A few from Henri

I'm running around this morning and don't have time to write my usual early morning rambling sort of post.  I'll be back later in the day with some of my own thoughts.  In the meantime, here are the first of many great throughts from Henri Nouwen that have backlogged in my email inbox over the last few months.

The Healing Touch


Touch, yes, touch, speaks the wordless words of love. We receive so much touch when we are babies and so little when we are adults. Still, in friendship touch often gives more life than words. A friend's hand stroking our back, a friend's arms resting on our shoulder, a friend's fingers wiping our tears away, a friend's lips kissing our forehead --- these are true consolation. These moments of touch are truly sacred. They restore, they reconcile, they reassure, they forgive, they heal.

Everyone who touched Jesus and everyone whom Jesus touched were healed. God's love and power went out from him (see Luke 6:19). When a friend touches us with free, nonpossessive love, it is God's incarnate love that touches us and God's power that heals us.

Travelling With the Eyes of God


Travelling - seeing new sights, hearing new music, and meeting new people - is exciting and exhilarating. But when we have no home to return to where someone will ask us, "How was your trip?" we might be less eager to go. Travelling is joyful when we travel with the eyes and ears of those who love us, who want to see our slides and hear our stories.

This is what life is about. It is being sent on a trip by a loving God, who is waiting at home for our return and is eager to watch the slides we took and hear about the friends we made. When we travel with the eyes and ears of the God who sent us, we will see wonderful sights, hear wonderful sounds, meet wonderful people ... and be happy to return home.

Daily 5 - Day 242

Today's Daily 5:

1. So glad that I subscribe to the services at Bethel - so refreshing to be able to load their worship or sermons anytime.
2. The crazy juxtaposition of life and death, joy and sorrow this afternoon, and allowing myself to be present with friends in each.
3. Still had the rental car, so it was easy to do errands.
4. My dad replaced the seatbelt in the car I bought last week, now I just need to get an inspection, insurance, and registration, and then I can start driving it.
5. Shared hugs with a few different friends today.

Daily 5 - Day 214

Today's Daily 5:

1. House Church gathering this afternoon
2. Cuddled a baby for quite a while during the gathering - kind of fun to cuddle him, feed him a bottle in the middle of worship.
3. Got a lot done this morning, including some more unpacking stuff, and all the laundry.
4. Clean sheets and pajamas for crawling into bed tonight.
5. Got a hug from a friend at the house church gathering
6. pizza for supper
7. chocolate and coconut
8. beautifully scented candles
9. Got through a very detailed budget update
10. heading for bed earlyish

Daily 5 - Day 211

Today's Daily 5:

1. iphone shopping!  Just debating contracts and plans and providers.  But will definitel become the owner of one sometime in the next year (pending a contract that doesn't expire for 7 months yet if I decide I do indeed want to change providers.)
2. It was house church night.  And the night once a month where we all contribute and have a meal together.  There was so much food.  And it was GOOD!
3. Got a hug, too, from a girl there.  I'll have to tell her sometime how much I appreciate those hugs goodbye once a week as I head out the door.  With so many of the friends from whom I collect hugs far away, and being one who appreciates touch, it means a lot to get that hug every week or two.
4. Had a full sized "Kit Kat" bar today - haven't done that in ages.  Still one of my all-time favorites.
5. Had a productive day at work.  I'm up to my neck in details for the conference we have coming up just after Easter, and today was a day full of details, but I feel like I made some headway on them, even if my "to do" list didn't necessarily get as many checkmarks as I would have liked.

Daily 5 - Day 183

I was wondering earlier tonight if I was going to find anything to write for this list tonight.  It was just that kind of day, where the battle to really choose to live joyfully felt like a bit of a losing one.  It's amazing how perspective can shift if you're willing to let God work, and if I'm willing to really choose to try to see things differently.  It shocks me every time.

Today's Daily 5:

1.  I lost my coffee break to an errand for a lunch event I didn't want to attend.  I can choose to think about it that way, or I can remember that it was a really sunny, temperate, Chinooking February day, and because of the errand I got in a ten minute walk in the bright sun.
2. I accomplished one of the "goals" on my list for the year, and learned how my roommate makes frittata.
3. The potluck lunch at work which I was dreading, and in many ways didn't enjoy, had great food.  I'm choosing to be thankful for a tasty, free lunch.
4. After work I showered and styled my hair curly.  I always feel prettier when it's curly, and more like myself, and it was nice to feel that way since home church was tonight.
5. Hugs from two friends at home church.
6. Sharing just a little about the upcoming transition, and the ongoing health ramifications from my accident, and being prayed for.  Honestly, those few minutes, surrounded by some really loving ladies, were the highlight of my day.  I pray nearly constantly a lot of days, but I have always found there is something incredibly calming to my spirit when it is hurting, racing, or wounded, in hearing the verbal prayers of someone else for me.  It's like it is in those moments that I am able to quiet the other noise, and let my spirit truly receive from God.
7. Chatting with a new friend about Haiti, and friend of a friend connections.
8. One of my new friends is a midwife who is licensed in the states, and not Canada, and isn't ablet to work as a midwife here, and she was present when her sister gave birth last week.  It was fun to see the joy and amazement in her face as she shared her pleasure at being able to witness a birth again.
9. Chatting with a friend at work for a bit this afternoon.  The day was so rough, and it was nice to just talk about some mundane stuff of life, and not think about the intense stuff for a bit.
10. Some encouraging emails and thoughts over the last several days from a dear friend.

Daily 5 - Day 88

Today's Daily 5 (or 10):

1. A number of hugs from my mom
2. The understanding of L, my brother's girlfriend, when I discussed how my day had been going
3. a really honest (even if I'm feeling very awkward about it now) conversation at church this morning
4. My brother J. (we don't have the best relationship) deliberately coming over to greet me before he left church this morning.
5. hugs from L, and a gentle back rub as I cried
6. thankfulness for an understanding roommate, who also hugged me when she emerged from her bedroom this morning to find me in tears (are you sensing a theme to my day???)
7. I'm incredibly thankful that not all my days are like today
8. Plans to go to the zoo on Wednesday with T and L. (someone asked me this morning what I was looking forward to right now, and I couldn't come up with anything I was so down... I'm really grateful to have something to look forward to!)
9. green beans from the farmer's market in the fridge waiting to be cooked. A gift from my mom, who is plying my hurting soul (and tight budget) with food this week.
10. that I am nearly at the end of the first two week budget cycle. That I resisted the urge to blow the effort I've put into that budget by shopping my blues away today. That though I'm still getting used to the restrictions, the budget seems to be laid out well enough to cover my needs, a few wants, and still let me make debt payments.
    

Daily 5 - Day 71

In some ways, I'm trying to choose moments to see differently (more joyfully) from all different parts of my day. It would usually be easy (depending a little on the evening) to choose 5 moments from the time after I leave the office each day. Those are usually the best moments of my day. But in this continual push to change ingrained mindsets and patterns of thought, I am trying to find moments to be thankful for even amidst the things I struggle with. I think that makes my daily 5 lists a bit schizophrenic in nature at moments, scattered, even, but it's rather important to me that I find ways to work on seeing differently, and that means the hard stuff, not just the pretty moments.

Today's Daily 5:

1. Feeling, if not at rest, at least relatively calm amidst a huge number of major issues at work today
2. Feeling like I was pretty as I dressed for and went to the concert I worked at/attended tonight
3. Wearing dove earrings
4. Steve Bell in concert - always worth it (plus, fun to catch up with some friends I don't see often, laugh a little, and even collect a few hugs)
   
5. being respected by a friend, who called to ask my permission to share bits of my story in the midst of a challenging situation, and to refer the person to whom he was speaking to me if they wanted further details.
   

Daily 5 - Days 59 - 68

As promised, I am updating the daily 5 lists that I kept in my journal while I was away. I think there was one day that I missed. I'm hoping to write some about the trip, and maybe even upload a few pictures in the next little while, but as I mentioned this morning, this week is incredibly busy and I'm not certain quite when I'll carve out the time to do that.

October 9 - Day 59

1. A flight without the illness and panic that has accompanied so much of my travel the last two years
2. Hugs from A.
3. Finally on vacation
4. Working on memory verses (if not making much progress) on the flight
5. Plans coming together for a great holiday

October 10 - Day 60

1. Standing on the highest observation deck in the world at the CN Tower
2. A quick early morning walk to the library with A.
3. The name of the subway station we'll be using all week being St. Clare West
4. Sleeping (sort of well) last night
5. Laughter and hugs from friends

October 11 - Day 61

1. Buying a cute sweater at Kensington Market
2. Visiting Casa Loma
3. Random adventure in eating Peruvian food for dinner
4. So much laughter with friends
5. Being calm and peaceful and joyful in the midst of a slightly trying adventure in being locked out of the apartment

October 12 - Day 62

1. A hug from S.
2. A beautiful day celebrating Thanksgiving with friends
3. Learning a bit of Spanish from Alex
4. Laughing and being with people I love
5. Fall colors everywhere as we drove.

October 13 - Day 63

1. Seeing the Dead Sea Scrolls on display at the Royal Ontario Museum
2. The Ten Commandments scroll being on display the one week we were in Toronto
3. Dinner and a long chat with A. while L. was at dinner with a friend from New Zealand
4. A simple supper (and late night snack!) of chicken cesar salad
5. Being with friends like A. where pretending and being guarded isn't necessary

October 14 - Day 64

1. Prayer time together with A. and B.
2. The lavender shop in the Distillery district - it smelled so lovely... and buying sachets to bring home.
3. Sharing meals together with friends
4. Walking through some older neighborhoods - Cabbagetown, the Danforth (Greek Town), and the U of T Campus
5. The blessing of good weather, if a bit cool, all week

October 15 - Day 65

1. Ice wine tasting at Jackson Triggs Winery
2. riding the Maid of the Mist
3. Driving through beautiful terrain to get to Niagara
4. No major hitches with the rental car service
5. customer service at the hotel being flexible

October 17 - Day 66

1. Seeing Lake Huron with S. and L.
2. Vietnamese leftovers for dinner
3. A long day of driving with friends and beautiful scenery
4. The fun of having a much anticipated giving of a gift be well received
5. laughing with friends

October 18 - Day 67

1. "Fresh Wind"
2. Being at Stratford all day
3. Praying with S.
4. Crowns, swans, slides, leaves, laughter
5. twirling by the river

October 19 - Day 68

1. A goodbye hug (though tearful on my part) from S.
2. A funny conversational partner on the plane home
3. managing to sleep a bit on the plane
4. Shopping at the bookstore in Mississauga and getting recommendations from the man who works there
5. Home, to sleep in my own bed
   

Daily 5 - Day 54

Today's Daily 5:

1. Being really grateful that my parents live near enough that when the mechanic I've visited because my regular mechanic is closed, and says they're busy, and it will be two-three hours of waiting to get a couple of signal light bulbs changed, I can just get him to sell me the bulbs and call dad and invite myself over and let him do the quick fix on my car.
2. Finally getting one of the remaining two bookings we needed to take care of for our trip done, and having firm plans to finish the last bit of planning on Tuesday evening.
3. Shopping for a gift for a friend, and finding something that I think will work well
4. a hug from my mom
5. Visiting the gorillas this morning
   

Daily 5 - Day 45

Today's daily 5:

1. a long evening drive through dusk, sunset, and darkness, through autumn colors and lovely foothills and forest, with my brother T.
2. jeans at work today
3. collecting hugs from a few different family and friends
4. having time to read through tons of news stories and see what hit me
5. the beauty of the fields and chatting and listening to music with T. as we drove
   

Huh.

This was another one of those days. It turned out better than I thought it might, but it was hard.

I'm really looking forward to tomorrow morning and collecting a hug from a dear friend.

And I'm thankful that I have one more day off before I return to work.

I could use a few more than that still, but I'll take what I can get.

Meltdown

My mom called me mid-afternoon today, and I lost it. Just melted into a puddle of sobs right there where I was sitting. It's been building for a while, the combination of exhaustion and stress and loneliness. And, upon hearing my mom's voice, after just completing a particularly trying call with a utility company, I couldn't contain it any more.

(And, just as an aside, no matter how good they make it sound, don't EVER use Telus TV. Their service is less than stellar and has quite a few hidden stipulations that are currently making my moving life even more complicated than it needs to be.)

I cried for quite a while, and the tears are still very close to the surface (so close they well up behind my eyes if I even admit that they're there.)

Mom is coming over shortly to spend an hour helping me pack. An hour is all I have the energy for. My throat is still sore, I'm still feeling quite listless, I've got a headache, and I'm fairly certain I'm also running a fever.

I'm pretty sure I'll melt again as soon as I see her. But the plus side is that I'll get to collect a hug. I haven't had enough of those lately. And the people I'd really like to collect them from live too far away for that to be a regular occurrence, so I'll take what I can get.

Friday Smile List

Well, it's Friday again, and we all know that I like Fridays. However, sometimes they start out really great, and by the time I make it home in the evening, I'm starting to feel lonely, crabby and exhausted. So, I thought I'd start the process of gratitude and choosing joy nice and early today, and share a few things that are making me smile.

• Jeans at work
• a mug of passion tea, a leftover donut, and a tin of canned peaches for breakfast
• sunshine outside my window
• a great quote for the day (see my earlier post) on the calendar that was a gift from a friend
• the memory of a greeting card I purchased recently. (I'm sure one of you will get it in the mail from me.) The front has a picture of some trees and a large grey "hill" and reads "Everyone should believe in something bigger than themselves." You open it and discover that the "hill" is a part of an elephant, and read "I believe in elephants." This is my rather twisted and deadpan sense of humor. When I saw this one, I had to purchase it.
• the large raven that just flew by my window
• the fact that I have an office window
• hemp lip balm from the body shop
• the audio book I'm currently listening to as I drive to and from work
• a very cute and comfy hoody
• the prospect of a long weekend
• plans to do a bit of shopping after work, and then head home and engage in my favorite decadent pasttime by hanging out in a nice hot bubble bath with a mineral mask on my face, watching last night's season finale of Grey's Anatomy on the internet
• owning an ipod, which lets me listen to such a wide variety of things while I'm driving to and from work
• a fun conversation this morning with a coworker
• plans to go for a nice long drive and listen to a much more heavy audiobook tomorrow while enjoying the scenery of the mountains and foothills.
• the fact that I was actually sort of hungry to eat breakfast this morning
• the memory of a prayer a friend emailed to me the other night, where she asked God to arrange for me to get some hugs this week - I have gotten a few - a few really heartfelt ones, and one really awkward one, but I'll take them any way they come!

And with that, I'm off to start what promises to be a very full day!

The Healing Touch

This thought from Henri Nouwen struck me yesterday.

These days, almost all of the people who offer this sort of healing touch live far away. But in the moments when we get to be together, I soak it in.

I used to be one of those people who hated hugs or touch. Somewhere along the way, I realized that a hug is one of the most healing and encouraging things in my world, and that, when I haven't had one for a long time, I am the worse for it.

I'm grateful to have people in my life who offer very healing hugs and touch, even when I can't collect on them very often.

The Healing Touch

Touch, yes, touch, speaks the wordless words of love. We receive so much touch when we are babies and so little when we are adults. Still, in friendship touch often gives more life than words. A friend's hand stroking our back, a friend's arms resting on our shoulder, a friend's fingers wiping our tears away, a friend's lips kissing our forehead --- these are true consolation. These moments of touch are truly sacred. They restore, they reconcile, they reassure, they forgive, they heal.

Everyone who touched Jesus and everyone whom Jesus touched were healed. God's love and power went out from him (see Luke 6:19). When a friend touches us with free, nonpossessive love, it is God's incarnate love that touches us and God's power that heals us.

Hugs

On Friday morning at 9 am, my friend M. picked me up. We went for a quick breakfast at Tim Horton’s (she ate, I just drank apple juice), went shopping for an hour (bought two fantastic new tops and a great pair of earrings), and then she drove me to the airport and said goodbye.

I got on a plane and flew across the country to collect on a promise of a hug from a dear friend.

It was absolutely worth it. Each and every moment. The hours and hours of conversations. The relaxed (though full) schedule. The really special moments, and time spent praying together. The laughter.

And especially the hugs.

There was the hug at the airport (a warm-up really). And the one at the side of the road, after standing together in a river while she prayed. And others… several others. She gives the best hugs. The kind that inherently say to the person who receives them that they are deeply loved and valued. The kind that are healing, that bring wholeness and peace.

And the best part is, when we can’t physically be together to collect on the hugs, she sends them to me in words. In emails and chats online and phone calls.

I find myself continually amazed that the Lord gifted me with a friendship with her. At the way our hearts have connected. At the gift she’s been as I’ve navigated what has been a tumultuous journey of life and faith through this last year. I'm so thankful for our relationship.

It was absolutely worth it. And I’m already looking forward to the next time we get to be together.