Struggling

I'm not sure what to say right now.

I came home from work at noon, made a few essential phone calls, and went to bed.

I don't have the flu or a cold, but I'm so completely emotionally and spiritually exhausted that I decided to call it a day.

I cried twice in the first half-hour of the day. All it took was for someone to ask me how my weekend was. (For the record, it wasn't bad, though quite hard at moments.)

Several people took one look at me and asked if I was okay.

The answer right now is no.

I'm wrestling with some very large issues, and some very loud voices.

The tears and throbbing pain have numbed a bit just at the moment, but I have no doubt they'll surface hugely again.

I need to make some decisions, but I have no idea how to attempt that. I'm actually scared to do that from this emotional space where I'm not able to process or think clearly.

I'm also staring an anniversary in the face this week. An anniversary that is usually full of hope. I'm not really sure what it holds this year, and in some ways I'm asking if there is anything left to celebrate. And that, my friends, is the most discouraging thought I've faced in the last four years.

I've been trying very hard to hold life together, and it's not working right now. Trying so hard to find the joy and the positives, to change entrenched patterns of thought. And I've had a few successes, but it's exhausting and seems larger than life, and nearly hopeless.

So, I'm going to sit, and cry if the tears will flow, and try to pray. And work to trust that Jesus sees and hears and holds me in this space, and not just in the joyful ones where I am able to perfectly fall in line with his voice.