Exhausted

I'm tired this morning, and not feeling well.

My mouth aches.  I have two enormous canker sores inside of it.  I get them a few times a year, with no apparent rhyme or reason, though rarely do I get two at once.  In this case, they picked Friday to flare.  And they're bad.  My lip is swollen on one side, not so much on the other.

Sleep was kind of non-existent last night, in that way it sometimes is when you've been overstimulated for too long and your body and brain just can't shut down.  Three very long days of being with people were overstimulating for this introvert, and last night I paid for it with a lack of sleep.

I'm thinking this morning about an odd dream I woke from yesterday morning, before the wedding.  A dream in which my grandpa made an appearance.  That was something new and different.

I'm thinking about my brother's face as he looked into his bride's eyes yesterday and made vows.

I'm thinking about how we don't live in a culture that necessarily believes in permanence of vows.

But mostly I'm just tired.

Spent, emotionally and physically.

Happy to have been a part of such a special celebration.

And entirely relieved that it has come to an end.

That today can be about the mundane stuff of getting through a day at work, nursing a cold and my aching mouth.  About stopping at the library to pick up a new audio book, and starting at my finances.

That it only has one wedding related thing on the agenda, and that thing will be quick, and will include a hug from my mom.

I'm also immensely glad that I am only working four days this week, and that then I get a break.  I'll be staying at my parent's house, keeping an eye on things while they're out of town for several days.  And I'll be off work for most of the time I'll be there, allowing me to rest and relax, away from the stresses of my life at Grandma's.

I'm exhausted, but grateful today.

Tired

Overnight a minor flare-up of "I'm tired of all the crap-itis" turned into a full blown case.

I'm tired of the many, many curve balls that life has thrown my way this last while.

I'm tired of the the politics and the maneuvering and the bending of morals and standards in my place of employment.  There hasn't even been a recent influx of those things.  Just a build-up of long term exhaustion.

I'm tired of relationships that have to be carefully managed.

I'm tired of living (well, it feels like hiding sometimes) in the basement at Grandma's.

I'm tired of trying to come up with ways to smile and laugh at all the ridiculous things that life has thrown at me in the last few months.

I'm tired of feeling like I have to pretend.

I'm tired of being around people (my grandma especially) where I have to carefully watch every word I say.

To be honest, I'm not sure I'll post this, or, if I do, that I'll leave it up.

It's not the choosing differently attitude that I'm trying to embrace these days.

It's more of a wallowing.

And I'll be honest in saying that life circumstances are definitely making this choosing joy and choosing life thing a lot more challenging at the moment.

I'm weary.

I'm even tired of myself.

Tired

I had really good intentions of making today productive.

But, it seems upon waking and doing a couple quick and necessary errands, that it's likely going to be a day to just recover.

This last week took a toll on me.

I wasn't necessarily wise in managing my time commitments, and was out nearly every night of the week.

My body can't do that yet.

I'm so grateful for the chances I had to be with friends.  They were life-giving, each in their own ways.

But I said yes to too many things.  I knew it was a risk, and I decided to take it.

It angers me in moments like these that my health is still not where I want it to be.  That I function like a funny old lady, needing to stay at home more often than not.

I try to remind myself that six months ago even being committed one night a week was too much.  Now I can manage house church and one other social thing on a weeknight.  It's progress.  It just doesn't always feel like enough progress.

So, today will likely be for reflecting, praying, and hopefully resting.

A little bit of yoga if my shoulder is up to it (still pretty sore from falling down that flight of stairs).

And grocery shopping later, simply so that I can have a free evening in this coming week.

And maybe some cleaning and reordering of things.  Because sometimes that is the best way I know how to pray.

Thankful it's Friday

I yawned as I wrote the title of this post.

This has been an exhausting week.

I'm very drained - physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

And incredibly thankful that it's Friday.

I'm wearing jeans.

I haven't melted down into a puddle of tears (though I've felt like it.)

I phoned the government student loan offices this morning to confirm that a change to my banking information I'd requested be made had gone through.

For the first time in history the government did something right, and quickly to boot.

I'm thankful for that, too, because it means that this weekend I can wrap up this state of being between two different banks, and go back to only having one bank. I like it when projects like that are going to come off my list, and finally be finished. The longer term projects with dozens of little steps. It's always a good feeling to know that one of them is finished.

On Fridays I have lunch with a coworker. I think we're having Wendy's today. I'm looking forward to that grilled chicken sandwich and fries.

I'm listening to Kathy Mattea's "Good News" Christmas Album. Beautiful songs, some original, some not, a lovely progression of songs. It's one of the few Christmas music selections I can stomach for more than about ten minutes.

Did I mention that I'm wearing jeans? And my comfy knock-off "Ugg" boots. Fridays are good for that.

I'm exhausted, and close to tears, but I'm choosing to be thankful right now. Or trying anyway. Because all of those things I've listed, and, I'm sure, a myriad of other things are very positive moments in my life right now.

A Little Bit Frustrated

In a few minutes I'm going to show up here and write a "daily 5" list and talk about the fact that it was actually pretty good day.

But just in this moment, I'm feeling exhausted and frustrated.

I've mentioned off and on that I've been struggling with my health for the last couple of years. That has been particularly true in terms of having an almost zero energy level. I quite literally think about every social commitment I make, and how every decision to be away from home for the evening or for part of the day or all of a day on a weekend will affect my ability to function for the next week. (For those of you who had been part of my social life prior to the last couple of years, and have been less so during the last few years, well, I still love you, I've just been severely limiting my commitments!)

It has meant that I can't be on my feet for more than a couple of hours at a time.

It has meant that most nights I need to be home and in bed early. Often I'm in bed, winding down by nine, with my lights out by ten.

It has meant that I try to schedule only one or maybe two evenings out a week, recognizing that more than that takes energy that I simply don't have to expend.

I've been oh so slowly noticing signs of improvement, but tonight I'm feeling just a bit discouraged.

I spent the day with family, doing some baking, and some grocery shopping and christmas decorating with my mom. I was on my feet for much of the day, but not in an overly strenuous way. I enjoyed the day quite a lot.

But...

I'm exhausted. Completely done in to the point of crying.

To be fair, there are memories and dates and other little things that were already making this weekend emotional.

But I'm drained, and I find it discouraging to discover that the ground gained with my health is still quite minimal, and that the process is still so very slow. I wish for more or different. I long and pray for the days to return when I don't approach life with the energy level of an 80 year old. (Actually, I think my 80 year old grandma has more energy and a far busier social life than I do!)

I'm not going to focus on this for very long. Because, like I said, it was a decent day. But I do want to pause, just for a moment and acknowledge that I'm frustrated and discouraged by my health at times still. And that I'm committed to keep taking steps towards healing and praying for restoration.

rattled...

I'm feeling pretty spent right now.

A bit hurt and angry, and in need of a session venting. My blog is definitely not the place for that today.

I've had some pretty unfair and hurtful labels and accusations thrown my way today.

It's been a long time, maybe never, since I've stood truly alone (in human terms anyway... bearing in mind that Jesus is with me) on an issue.

I'm feeling rattled, struggling a bit to concentrate, and I'm tempted to say more here than I'm certain is appropriate.

So I think I'll stop now.

I'm having tea with a long time friend after work tonight. Perhaps I'll vent a bit to her. Or maybe I'll save the venting for my journal, and just collect a hug and some laughter from her. Because I could use both today.

Not quite sure...

I am trying to rest.

Stillness is hard.

My body physically refused to allow me to clean and putter tonight. I got home from work and a few after work errands, and collapsed. Thankfully, my roommate had made dinner. I ate, showered, and then, as my roommate put it "blobbed out" on first my bed, and then the couch.

My heart shies away from being still right now. I think I'm a bit afraid of what further depths of Jesus could mean. And yet, I long for Him...

Actually, my heart literally feels skittish, like it's skirting around the edges, but unwilling to draw near.

I woke at a very specific hour in the middle of the night (one of many times I woke through the night, but this one stood out) and found myself having thoughts of regret. Regret that I'd made a particular vow to Jesus. Regret that I needed to continue to live that vow out. The lines from the Bruggemann prayer I posted earlier today came back, as I considered what it was to once again discover the "hard deep obedience".

so, I'm again trying to find ways to choose life in the midst of this exhaustion... to find joy...

Weary

My roommate just ordered me to bed. We were talking, I expressed how weary I've become, she took a closer look at me and ordered me to go to bed. "You don't look well."

I'm not well. I think I will be again. But I'm not in this moment.

I'm exhausted. I've been buoyed through the many challenges of these last few months by prayers, adrenaline, and few brief oasis moments. And I'm pretty spent, with two days of work left this week, then another challenging and draining trip over the weekend, and then three more days of work before I finally have a little bit of jealously guarded and carefully scheduled down-time.

I made a decision last night that I think will ultimately bring some freedom and relief, at least for a time. But right now it's a decision that, as right as it seems to be deep within me, is causing pain and grief as well.

I've had enamorment, and deep hatred in turns for 24/7 prayer, but tonight, tonight my mind is being drawn back to a line from "The Vision" that Pete Greig wrote, "my feeble, whispered, faithless prayer invokes a thunderous, resounding, bone-shaking great 'Amen!' from countless angels, from heroes of the the faith, from Christ himself..."

I sort of need that to be true tonight. I need to be buoyed on the prayers of the saints, on the voices of angels, on the faith of others. Because tonight I'm feeling feeble, barely able to summon even a whisper, and most definitely exhausted and faithless.

Comfort Food

I'm feeling pretty tired and emotionally drained still today.

Just needing to get through the day, and make it home where I have told myself that tonight my "to do" list doesn't need to be addressed. I can simply lay on the couch, read, surf the internet, or watch television.

And I've promised myself comfort food for supper. It's actually incredibly motivating.

I suppose I may have an odd definition of comfort food though, because high on my list, and, as promised to myself for tonight, is chicken fingers and french fries!

I'm actually very excited about this!

At a loss for words...

I can't even begin to explain what the four days that encompass Saturday through this evening have contained. I mean, I know I said I was feeling discombobulated, but really, I can't even begin to describe the immensity of the things that those four days have held.

And, they haven't stopped, even at night. My dreams have been full and intense again as well, and coming with increasing regularity.

All that to say that just in this moment, I'm pretty exhausted.

It's one of those rare moments where I really just want to call my mom, just to hear her voice, even knowing that I'd probably burst into tears at the sound of it, for no apparent reason whatsoever. But, my mom is on the other side of the planet just at the moment, so I'll be settling for a journal, and some chocolate.

I feel like I've been moving non-stop for four straight days, from one emotionally draining thing to another.

The truth is that I was so sick yesterday that I spent a good part of the day sleeping.

And that I spent a good part of Sunday doing very little (though to be fair, that was somewhat emotionally draining, as a good part of that time was spent journaling and processing the wild events of last week.)

I'm thankful for an evening off tomorrow night, and thinking I may just ignore the myriad of things on my "to do" list for a night, and simply rest. (Or perhaps make a trip to "my" park to pray and walk and think.)

My heart is tired, and could use a little bit of restorative time with Jesus (whether at home or the park...)

And, in the interests of my own health, I have a few emails to write, and then my plan is to be in bed EARLY (for me at least).

Tomorrow is Wednesday, and somehow, those always take a lot of energy.

BUT, I do have one piece of good news! I have a place to live at the end of the month, with a landlord who seems great. In a location that's convenient for both my roommate and I. In a quiet building near a lovely old park. And it looks like we'll be able to move in a bit before the first of July, which would be so helpful in terms of our stress levels, and not needing to take time off of work to move, since our other roommate is getting married on July 4th, and we'll have to travel to another city for that as well.

On the edge of a precipice

I am broken and overwhelmed.

A friend of mine has a lyric that reads "the lie, the lie is becoming convincing".

The lies are overwhelmingly strong today. And they are becoming convincing.

There is very little strength to stand, and even less to fight.

I had a disturbing dream just before waking again this morning, and the vivid nature of this one has carried with me into the day.

I dreamt that I was standing on the edge of a precipice, trying to prevent myself from falling into pitch darkness and danger. There were only two spike like stalagmites, one on either side of me to hold on to to prevent the fall. I had no choice but to hold them, but they are like razors, and slice my hands when I do. I was in pain and my hands were bleeding, and I was working to prevent the fall into nothingness...

It haunts me today, the image of my bloody and painful hands, gripping a razor like object for dear life.

Exposed

This finding freedom business is even harder work than I thought.

And there is yet more to walk through.

More things surfacing.

I'm feeling exhausted, raw, exposed, naked. In front of God, and a close trusted friend.

It's not a safe feeling yet, to stand so exposed, even in front of Jesus, who I know knew it anyway.

I pray one day it will be a safe place. I believe one day it will.

In the meantime, I'm committed to keep standing there.

Even when it seems to be tearing me apart.

Even when the rawest of wounds is being ripped open.

As a friend pointed out on the weekend, it's better than letting them fester.

And I continue to pray for broken things to be restored. People. Hearts. Relationships.

My heart has shattered, and there is yet more surfacing, more to walk through.

And yet, this freedom that seems to come at so high a cost, that seems to be so painful to achieve, is something my heart longs for, and so I keep walking, one tiny little halting, sometimes, limping, sometimes crawling step at a time, with many tears shed, towards it.

Mid-day

I'm tired, and it's making me feel ill.

Sleep was a non-event mostly again last night.

Half-way through what promises to be another long day.

I'll be so glad for the weekend to arrive.

I just find myself wishing I didn't need to attend a work function on Sunday night, right before having to head back to work on Monday. Oh well... such is life I guess.

At the end of a very long day

I am at the end of a very long day.

I'm wearing sweats and a favorite hoodie, and curled up on my couch with plans to watch some television, eat dinner, and hopefully head for bed early. Somewhere in there I have a few little things on my "to do" list.

Some things today were unexpected. And yet, once they began, they were very much the way I expected that they would.

Other things were pretty much how I knew they'd be, from the moment I woke up this morning.

I have a bad headache - and it's making me a bit nauseous.

I'm laughing in a cynical, ironic sort of way at some of the things I've explained today, and the way various things I've thought about have come up.

I'm so tired. Not at all hopeful or joyful in the space of watching and waiting, the way I was this morning. Just praying for a less interrupted sleep, and glad that I get a hug from a very dear friend tomorrow night.

So. We'll start again tomorrow.

Sigh

The day is over.

Grey's Anatomy is on.

I'm wearing pjs and curled up on the couch.

Grey's Anatomy, and then bed. Maybe paint my fingernails somewhere in there.

I have a dear friend who regularly reminds me that I am loved, and that, with her at least, I fit. Funny how that helps, even on the days when it can't quite penetrate fully.

One more day of work.

And then some little things that are helping me believe tonight that I'm going to make it.

Words of hope spoken at an event I attended.

A new book, purchased at the event I attended, that I'm looking forward to curling up with. "Bent Hope" it's called.

The promise of a hug tomorrow night from the friend who reminds me so regularly that I am loved.

A plan to spend some time with some kids I love this weekend. I'm still amazed by just how calming and healing the hugs and laughter of children can be.

Time spent with my "baby" brother tonight - the one member of my immediate family with whom I feel totally safe being myself. (And one who has learned much wisdom in suffering. He made a point tonight that will stick with me as I step into this weekend and these next weeks.)

Lunch plans at work with a friend and coworker tomorrow.

Casual Friday - jeans to work.

Tired. Quiet.

Quiet. Tired.

Those two words pretty much sum it up right now.

My thoughts are actually not that quiet. They’re racing and wrestling, they’re just not forming written words very much at the moment. Or at least not written words that are suitable for public consumption.

Tired.

Well, tired says it all. Moving is a much more exhausting process than I remembered. I don’t understand those people who love moving, and do it frequently.

My roommate and I are taking it slowly wherever we can. I got rid of my much admired “loft bed” and desk in the process of this move, and, while not precisely regretting it, am definitely not going to be able to handle sleeping on my mattress on the floor for very long. I want some sort of captains bed – with drawers or a bookshelf underneath to give the bed some height and me some storage space. My roommate and I are going to Ikea tonight in a hunt for a number of little items we need to make our new space homey and liveable. I need to look at a bed, she needs a duvet. We jointly need things like picture hanging hooks. I need lavender scented candles.

Also high on my list of priorities will be to buy and put up blinds or curtains in my bedroom. My bedroom faces east, and with no window covering, I’ll be up with the birds all summer if I don’t resolve the situation. I have enough trouble sleeping without adding that.

We’ve declared tonight a “slow night”. We’ll visit Ikea when we meet up after work. We’re cooking pork chops with a cinnamon peach sauce, and probably some frozen veggies and either potatoes or couscous for dinner. We’re going to sit on our couch and watch either a movie or television for the evening. I’ll unpack the bookshelf in our living room. While we’re sitting we’ll collapse all the filing boxes and their lids that I purchased for moving, and then we’ll store them in our basement for the next time (which will hopefully not be for a while.)

Hopefully internet at home will be up and running by tomorrow morning, and I can back to a more regular schedule of blogging, reading the news, and checking emails.

Home

The day finally ended.

I'm done work for something like the next 5 weeks.

I'm doing laundry so that I can pack tomorrow and laying on a couch, trying to recover from a day without eating.

Gatorade is a girl's best friend sometimes.

Tired is a good descriptor right now.

Needing to accomplish some stuff, but not entirely sure I have the energy to do it all. Going to have to push through.

I'm at home.

Still Tired

I'm still tired, though in a less soul-numbing exhausted sort of way...

Sleep remains an elusive thing, full of dreams and moments of wakefulness. I was explaining to someone today how, over the course of years of sleeping poorly, your body adapts, and you learn what it is to function at a competent level with only 4 or 5 hours of sleep a night.

I talked about how the periods in my life when sleep seems the least are always the ones where it seems I could use the sleep the most. The ones where I'm walking through intense things personally, or walking alongside some really broken and messy people.

I explained, too, how in the moments when I most need the strength to meet with someone who's broken, in those moments when I know that there is nothing of myself left to care for that person, the strength is always there. Just in that moment, Jesus always sends just enough energy, just enough words, just enough patience and wisdom and discernment. And when that moment ends, the strength usually goes with it... and that's okay too.

So, I'm tired, and I'm stressed, and trying to get 8 million things accomplished before my last day of work on Tuesday, and before I leave Calgary on Thursday and fly out on Friday, but I'm going to be okay. Because the strength is there in the moments when it's really important, and the rest of it, well, it's just stuff, and the world won't end if my laundry doesn't get folded immediately, or if my dishes aren't washed right this second.