Saturday, December 05, 2009

A Little Bit Frustrated

In a few minutes I'm going to show up here and write a "daily 5" list and talk about the fact that it was actually pretty good day.

But just in this moment, I'm feeling exhausted and frustrated.

I've mentioned off and on that I've been struggling with my health for the last couple of years. That has been particularly true in terms of having an almost zero energy level. I quite literally think about every social commitment I make, and how every decision to be away from home for the evening or for part of the day or all of a day on a weekend will affect my ability to function for the next week. (For those of you who had been part of my social life prior to the last couple of years, and have been less so during the last few years, well, I still love you, I've just been severely limiting my commitments!)

It has meant that I can't be on my feet for more than a couple of hours at a time.

It has meant that most nights I need to be home and in bed early. Often I'm in bed, winding down by nine, with my lights out by ten.

It has meant that I try to schedule only one or maybe two evenings out a week, recognizing that more than that takes energy that I simply don't have to expend.

I've been oh so slowly noticing signs of improvement, but tonight I'm feeling just a bit discouraged.

I spent the day with family, doing some baking, and some grocery shopping and christmas decorating with my mom. I was on my feet for much of the day, but not in an overly strenuous way. I enjoyed the day quite a lot.


I'm exhausted. Completely done in to the point of crying.

To be fair, there are memories and dates and other little things that were already making this weekend emotional.

But I'm drained, and I find it discouraging to discover that the ground gained with my health is still quite minimal, and that the process is still so very slow. I wish for more or different. I long and pray for the days to return when I don't approach life with the energy level of an 80 year old. (Actually, I think my 80 year old grandma has more energy and a far busier social life than I do!)

I'm not going to focus on this for very long. Because, like I said, it was a decent day. But I do want to pause, just for a moment and acknowledge that I'm frustrated and discouraged by my health at times still. And that I'm committed to keep taking steps towards healing and praying for restoration.