I had really good intentions of making today productive.
But, it seems upon waking and doing a couple quick and necessary errands, that it's likely going to be a day to just recover.
This last week took a toll on me.
I wasn't necessarily wise in managing my time commitments, and was out nearly every night of the week.
My body can't do that yet.
I'm so grateful for the chances I had to be with friends. They were life-giving, each in their own ways.
But I said yes to too many things. I knew it was a risk, and I decided to take it.
It angers me in moments like these that my health is still not where I want it to be. That I function like a funny old lady, needing to stay at home more often than not.
I try to remind myself that six months ago even being committed one night a week was too much. Now I can manage house church and one other social thing on a weeknight. It's progress. It just doesn't always feel like enough progress.
So, today will likely be for reflecting, praying, and hopefully resting.
A little bit of yoga if my shoulder is up to it (still pretty sore from falling down that flight of stairs).
And grocery shopping later, simply so that I can have a free evening in this coming week.
And maybe some cleaning and reordering of things. Because sometimes that is the best way I know how to pray.
Showing posts with label energy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label energy. Show all posts
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Baby it's cold outside...
I was all set to complain loudly about the cold (it's -28 C with a windchill of -33C), until I read Hope's post. She lives in regions even further north, and it sounds like it is WAY worse there.
But seriously, have you heard the term "cradle of civilization"? As I was getting ready to go out into the cold last night I was reflecting on the fact that the birthplace of the human race was in the middle east. Do they have snow or cold there? Not so much. Human beings are just not designed for this kind of weather as far as I'm concerned.
And it won't stop snowing here. Days and days without seeing the sun now. I miss the sun, even though here, in the winter, if the sun is out, it is often colder, because cloud cover holds in some warmth.
Since I'm needing to lay low today (at least until the event on my schedule for tonight) I did one quick errand this morning, and now I'm going to do a bit of baking (and fill my house with yummy smells), find something to eat for lunch, and then spend the afternoon wrapped in a blanket, reading and thinking and praying. With lots of candles lit in my bedroom to warm up the air. And a big mug of rooibos tea.
And if I'm feeling really creative, I'll make a birthday card or two, and several Christmas cards.
Or I might just take a nap.
I mostly slept last night, the last two nights actually, but even the brief trip out this morning has sapped my somewhat limited energy and right now a bit of baking, some lunch, and a nap is sounding pretty good to me.
But seriously, have you heard the term "cradle of civilization"? As I was getting ready to go out into the cold last night I was reflecting on the fact that the birthplace of the human race was in the middle east. Do they have snow or cold there? Not so much. Human beings are just not designed for this kind of weather as far as I'm concerned.
And it won't stop snowing here. Days and days without seeing the sun now. I miss the sun, even though here, in the winter, if the sun is out, it is often colder, because cloud cover holds in some warmth.
Since I'm needing to lay low today (at least until the event on my schedule for tonight) I did one quick errand this morning, and now I'm going to do a bit of baking (and fill my house with yummy smells), find something to eat for lunch, and then spend the afternoon wrapped in a blanket, reading and thinking and praying. With lots of candles lit in my bedroom to warm up the air. And a big mug of rooibos tea.
And if I'm feeling really creative, I'll make a birthday card or two, and several Christmas cards.
Or I might just take a nap.
I mostly slept last night, the last two nights actually, but even the brief trip out this morning has sapped my somewhat limited energy and right now a bit of baking, some lunch, and a nap is sounding pretty good to me.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
A Little Bit Sorry for Myself
Okay, I admit it, I'm sitting here feeling just a little bit sorry for myself.
I have a commitment tonight that I don't particularly want to attend because of some of the people who will be there, but need to attend, because I care about the person it's honoring.
Incidentally, I had to laugh last night when, while discussing tonight's plans with my mom, she asked the reason I wasn't looking forward to being around this particular group of people. My answer? "Because they're so christian!" We both got a good laugh out of that, especially since my mom has met a few of these people, and knows me well enough to know that what I was referring to was a particular strain of conservative, sheltered naivete that makes me a little bit crazy after a while. The sort of naivete that makes me a very shocking person (and those of you who know me, know that "shocking" isn't particularly a word that's regularly applied to me!)
But I'm feeling just a little bit sorry for myself because of the demand of tonight's commitment.
Because, you see, this is a very low energy weekend. This week was draining, and I came into the weekend knowing that I'd need to really limit my commitments. That I'd keep the ones I had planned (massage, banking, tonight, and tomorrow night) and that it would likely not be wise to add any more.
No big deal, except that there is another commitment, a gathering of the house church network I'm becoming involved in, tomorrow. And based on how I'm doing at the moment, and the knowledge that tonight will likely be a later night, and that I have a family commitment tomorrow night, it's unlikely that it would be wise for me to attend said gathering.
And, at the moment, that's making me a little bit grumpy and resentful. Grumpy because it's the event I'd definitely rather attend. And resentful because at 26, I really shouldn't have to make decisions like this based on health and energy levels.
I think it's actually been harder to be accepting of the energy level and health struggles over the last month. I've been feeling a little bit better. There are signs of life within me again. For the first time in a long time, I'm finding that I want to re-engage with the world. To be a bit social, make new friends, and seek out community again. And it has been frustrating me that sometimes even the most basic day to day things can exhaust me, and that the necessity is that the weekends are a time when I conserve energy a bit, to make it through the work days that pay my bills.
I'm telling myself that things are slowly getting better. (And they are.) And that it took a long time to get this overwhelmingly fatigued, so I certainly can't expect to heal overnight. (Also very true.)
But I'm still just a little bit grumpy. I'll get over it.
And who knows, maybe it'll be an earlier night than I think tonight, and I'll have one of those rare fantastic sleeps, and I'll be able to attend the gathering and my family event tomorrow evening.
If not, I'll choose joy in the morning somehow, and pray for those who are gathered, that it would be a time of great blessing and laughter and joy.
I have a commitment tonight that I don't particularly want to attend because of some of the people who will be there, but need to attend, because I care about the person it's honoring.
Incidentally, I had to laugh last night when, while discussing tonight's plans with my mom, she asked the reason I wasn't looking forward to being around this particular group of people. My answer? "Because they're so christian!" We both got a good laugh out of that, especially since my mom has met a few of these people, and knows me well enough to know that what I was referring to was a particular strain of conservative, sheltered naivete that makes me a little bit crazy after a while. The sort of naivete that makes me a very shocking person (and those of you who know me, know that "shocking" isn't particularly a word that's regularly applied to me!)
But I'm feeling just a little bit sorry for myself because of the demand of tonight's commitment.
Because, you see, this is a very low energy weekend. This week was draining, and I came into the weekend knowing that I'd need to really limit my commitments. That I'd keep the ones I had planned (massage, banking, tonight, and tomorrow night) and that it would likely not be wise to add any more.
No big deal, except that there is another commitment, a gathering of the house church network I'm becoming involved in, tomorrow. And based on how I'm doing at the moment, and the knowledge that tonight will likely be a later night, and that I have a family commitment tomorrow night, it's unlikely that it would be wise for me to attend said gathering.
And, at the moment, that's making me a little bit grumpy and resentful. Grumpy because it's the event I'd definitely rather attend. And resentful because at 26, I really shouldn't have to make decisions like this based on health and energy levels.
I think it's actually been harder to be accepting of the energy level and health struggles over the last month. I've been feeling a little bit better. There are signs of life within me again. For the first time in a long time, I'm finding that I want to re-engage with the world. To be a bit social, make new friends, and seek out community again. And it has been frustrating me that sometimes even the most basic day to day things can exhaust me, and that the necessity is that the weekends are a time when I conserve energy a bit, to make it through the work days that pay my bills.
I'm telling myself that things are slowly getting better. (And they are.) And that it took a long time to get this overwhelmingly fatigued, so I certainly can't expect to heal overnight. (Also very true.)
But I'm still just a little bit grumpy. I'll get over it.
And who knows, maybe it'll be an earlier night than I think tonight, and I'll have one of those rare fantastic sleeps, and I'll be able to attend the gathering and my family event tomorrow evening.
If not, I'll choose joy in the morning somehow, and pray for those who are gathered, that it would be a time of great blessing and laughter and joy.
Saturday, December 05, 2009
A Little Bit Frustrated
In a few minutes I'm going to show up here and write a "daily 5" list and talk about the fact that it was actually pretty good day.
But just in this moment, I'm feeling exhausted and frustrated.
I've mentioned off and on that I've been struggling with my health for the last couple of years. That has been particularly true in terms of having an almost zero energy level. I quite literally think about every social commitment I make, and how every decision to be away from home for the evening or for part of the day or all of a day on a weekend will affect my ability to function for the next week. (For those of you who had been part of my social life prior to the last couple of years, and have been less so during the last few years, well, I still love you, I've just been severely limiting my commitments!)
It has meant that I can't be on my feet for more than a couple of hours at a time.
It has meant that most nights I need to be home and in bed early. Often I'm in bed, winding down by nine, with my lights out by ten.
It has meant that I try to schedule only one or maybe two evenings out a week, recognizing that more than that takes energy that I simply don't have to expend.
I've been oh so slowly noticing signs of improvement, but tonight I'm feeling just a bit discouraged.
I spent the day with family, doing some baking, and some grocery shopping and christmas decorating with my mom. I was on my feet for much of the day, but not in an overly strenuous way. I enjoyed the day quite a lot.
But...
I'm exhausted. Completely done in to the point of crying.
To be fair, there are memories and dates and other little things that were already making this weekend emotional.
But I'm drained, and I find it discouraging to discover that the ground gained with my health is still quite minimal, and that the process is still so very slow. I wish for more or different. I long and pray for the days to return when I don't approach life with the energy level of an 80 year old. (Actually, I think my 80 year old grandma has more energy and a far busier social life than I do!)
I'm not going to focus on this for very long. Because, like I said, it was a decent day. But I do want to pause, just for a moment and acknowledge that I'm frustrated and discouraged by my health at times still. And that I'm committed to keep taking steps towards healing and praying for restoration.
But just in this moment, I'm feeling exhausted and frustrated.
I've mentioned off and on that I've been struggling with my health for the last couple of years. That has been particularly true in terms of having an almost zero energy level. I quite literally think about every social commitment I make, and how every decision to be away from home for the evening or for part of the day or all of a day on a weekend will affect my ability to function for the next week. (For those of you who had been part of my social life prior to the last couple of years, and have been less so during the last few years, well, I still love you, I've just been severely limiting my commitments!)
It has meant that I can't be on my feet for more than a couple of hours at a time.
It has meant that most nights I need to be home and in bed early. Often I'm in bed, winding down by nine, with my lights out by ten.
It has meant that I try to schedule only one or maybe two evenings out a week, recognizing that more than that takes energy that I simply don't have to expend.
I've been oh so slowly noticing signs of improvement, but tonight I'm feeling just a bit discouraged.
I spent the day with family, doing some baking, and some grocery shopping and christmas decorating with my mom. I was on my feet for much of the day, but not in an overly strenuous way. I enjoyed the day quite a lot.
But...
I'm exhausted. Completely done in to the point of crying.
To be fair, there are memories and dates and other little things that were already making this weekend emotional.
But I'm drained, and I find it discouraging to discover that the ground gained with my health is still quite minimal, and that the process is still so very slow. I wish for more or different. I long and pray for the days to return when I don't approach life with the energy level of an 80 year old. (Actually, I think my 80 year old grandma has more energy and a far busier social life than I do!)
I'm not going to focus on this for very long. Because, like I said, it was a decent day. But I do want to pause, just for a moment and acknowledge that I'm frustrated and discouraged by my health at times still. And that I'm committed to keep taking steps towards healing and praying for restoration.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Today...
It was my turn to leave early on the long weekend.
I was feeling the need for a little bit of self-care, and had booked an appointment for a pedicure and my first ever manicure. Will I ever be the kind of girl who does this all the time? No. Will I continue doing it every two or three months for relaxation? Yep. An hour or so where I could just let my mind be blank, focusing only on the girl massaging my legs, painting my nails, and massaging my hands was very much needed today.
I followed it up with several trip related errands, then home to do a bit of organizing (my energy levels are requiring me to take it pretty slow in the evenings these days), eat some dinner and do some emailing.
I've been watching a bit of a Jesus Culture conference from Redding, California online tonight. I quite enjoy Bill Johnson's teaching, and that church is one of the ones on my list of "I'd like to spend a Sunday there sometime." It's been nice to have the conference session playing in the background as I've moved around the house tonight.
I made a quick trip to my parent's place, and ended up crying and chatting with my mom. After I'd finished crying through an email exchange with a very dear friend who is in so many ways the mother of my heart. I had to laugh, because while these two women are usually quite different, they were saying the same things to me tonight!
So, that's my evening. Rest, tears, some encouragement, and a conference live via the internet.
It will be pretty quiet around here for the next three days. I'm driving to another province to attend a wedding on Sunday. It'll be a bit of a challenging wedding for me to attend thanks to the guest list and a few other circumstances. So, I'm praying for a God-given ability to find joy and peace. To truly push into being myself. To not let the circumstances push me into being a smaller person - being less of who I am. But mostly for joy. And safe travels, since George is old, and it's a rather long trip. My roommate is making the trip with me, and serving as my "date" to the wedding. We'd definitely appreciate your prayers for safety and all of the other things.
I've scheduled at least one post to go up each day I'm gone, and quite frankly, some of it I had a hard time not publishing immediately when I was getting it ready! It's unlikely that I'll have access to the internet while we're away, so I'll be back to blogging live and in person on Monday night. See you then!
I was feeling the need for a little bit of self-care, and had booked an appointment for a pedicure and my first ever manicure. Will I ever be the kind of girl who does this all the time? No. Will I continue doing it every two or three months for relaxation? Yep. An hour or so where I could just let my mind be blank, focusing only on the girl massaging my legs, painting my nails, and massaging my hands was very much needed today.
I followed it up with several trip related errands, then home to do a bit of organizing (my energy levels are requiring me to take it pretty slow in the evenings these days), eat some dinner and do some emailing.
I've been watching a bit of a Jesus Culture conference from Redding, California online tonight. I quite enjoy Bill Johnson's teaching, and that church is one of the ones on my list of "I'd like to spend a Sunday there sometime." It's been nice to have the conference session playing in the background as I've moved around the house tonight.
I made a quick trip to my parent's place, and ended up crying and chatting with my mom. After I'd finished crying through an email exchange with a very dear friend who is in so many ways the mother of my heart. I had to laugh, because while these two women are usually quite different, they were saying the same things to me tonight!
So, that's my evening. Rest, tears, some encouragement, and a conference live via the internet.
It will be pretty quiet around here for the next three days. I'm driving to another province to attend a wedding on Sunday. It'll be a bit of a challenging wedding for me to attend thanks to the guest list and a few other circumstances. So, I'm praying for a God-given ability to find joy and peace. To truly push into being myself. To not let the circumstances push me into being a smaller person - being less of who I am. But mostly for joy. And safe travels, since George is old, and it's a rather long trip. My roommate is making the trip with me, and serving as my "date" to the wedding. We'd definitely appreciate your prayers for safety and all of the other things.
I've scheduled at least one post to go up each day I'm gone, and quite frankly, some of it I had a hard time not publishing immediately when I was getting it ready! It's unlikely that I'll have access to the internet while we're away, so I'll be back to blogging live and in person on Monday night. See you then!
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
White Scarf Day
The fact that I'm wearing a particular white scarf today isn't going to mean much to most of you.
Some of you will know that this scarf has a variety of meanings and reminders for me.
Meanings like:
Some of you will know that this scarf has a variety of meanings and reminders for me.
Meanings like:
- I'm praying
- I'm exhausted and in need of covering and shielding
- Surrender (or just plain "giving up" depending on your perspective)
I'm having a white scarf sort of day. For all of those reasons.
I'm on my third night of minimal sleep. Last night the frustrations from day had apparently not dissipated before I slept, and I either dreamt about them, or woke to them all through the night.
I'm definitely running on a low tolerance level for stupidity. Which is not a good thing when you consider what I'm about to tell you next!
My ability to filter my thoughts for appropriate content before they come right on out of my mouth in audible form is low. Which I've demonstrated by having at least one conversation (and probably more) where, as I heard the words come out of my mouth, my brain then chimed in with "I can't believe you just said that, and why are you still talking??!!" It chimed in too late... I definitely made comments that I normally would not have made out loud - at least not to that particular person!
My dad and I had a conversation last night about horizontal spaces in people's lives. He defined horizontal spaces quite literally - any space that is horizontal and used for storage etc. (tables, desks, etc.) and commented that if the horizontal spaces that belong to a person were in disarray, it was probably a good indicator of how their day, week, month, or year was going. (He was making the comment because he's having some horizontal space issues this week!) I just chuckled as I imagined the horizontal space issues that would be awaiting me when I returned to my desk at the office this morning. And, they've multiplied. In fact, I'm fairly certain that paper has become sentient and discovered a way to procreate/recreate itself on my desk. There is crap everywhere awaiting my attention.
At least I've got someone to cover my lunch hour today, so I'll get at least a bit of a break from the madness. A few minutes to play a game online, or read the book I brought with me.
Then a couple quick errands on the way home, cooking dinner, and I'm settling in for a quiet evening. Although there remains much packing and sorting to be done in our house, I may ignore it for one more evening. I need to allow myself some down time, I think. I also need to make the yoga workout that I was just to exhausted to force myself to do last night a priority tonight. And maybe, just maybe, I'll do some sorting while I watch a movie or a dvd. It's a possibility, but I think I'm also needing to give myself permission for that not to happen as well. It feels like pressure, since most of what is left to be sorted is mine to deal with, and I'm aware that I may not be in town this weekend to tackle it in big or small chunks (I also need to make a fairly important decision surrounding that tonight). I feel guilty, because my roommate has to also live with the remaining disorder. But at the same time, I'm needing to recognize that the last month and a half has taxed my energy limits and that if I don't create time and space to rest, I'll be in even bigger trouble in the days and weeks to come.
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
Tired of moving?
Are you tired of hearing about my move yet? I'm getting tired of the unpacking thing, and there's a long way to go still...
My mom came over for a bit this afternoon, to help me go through some things and do a bit of unpacking. Two thirds of my books are now on shelves, and I pared the selection down just a little bit more. Once I buy a bed frame (hopefully early next week) I'll be able to really make progress on the sorting and unpacking.
In the meantime, I've declared tomorrow to be a day off from all things unpacking (at least that's the plan). I need to paint both my fingernails and toenails for the wedding I'm attending on Saturday. Since I have plans for Friday evening to have dinner and see a movie with a friend, that makes tomorrow the night for all things pampering for Saturday related.
I'm still struggling with a few health issues. And my energy levels remain quite low. I'll be glad for a bit of down time.
I've been quite lonely this week too. Missing some of the people I care about deeply. And missing having meaningful contact with the people who know my heart well.
Trying to rest, wait, watch, and pray. Longing for freedom to ever increase.
My mom came over for a bit this afternoon, to help me go through some things and do a bit of unpacking. Two thirds of my books are now on shelves, and I pared the selection down just a little bit more. Once I buy a bed frame (hopefully early next week) I'll be able to really make progress on the sorting and unpacking.
In the meantime, I've declared tomorrow to be a day off from all things unpacking (at least that's the plan). I need to paint both my fingernails and toenails for the wedding I'm attending on Saturday. Since I have plans for Friday evening to have dinner and see a movie with a friend, that makes tomorrow the night for all things pampering for Saturday related.
I'm still struggling with a few health issues. And my energy levels remain quite low. I'll be glad for a bit of down time.
I've been quite lonely this week too. Missing some of the people I care about deeply. And missing having meaningful contact with the people who know my heart well.
Trying to rest, wait, watch, and pray. Longing for freedom to ever increase.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Updating...
We survived the move. We've now officially slept in the new place for two nights.
It's entirely in chaos. I can't find my favorite pair of flip-flops (here's hoping they turn up soon!) But we're there. The goal for tonight is to unpack our kitchen, so we can at least start eating like normal human beings again.
The injury count was low, belonging wise. The glass on one framed photograph broke, but that's quite easily fixed sometime soon. (We're nowhere near being ready to hang our artwork anyway.
As for me, well, I've decided that I bruise more easily than fruit! I have deep, ugly bruises across both legs, both arms, and several on my hips and torso. I also have a small cut, high up on my torso, that I have no idea how I sustained.
I also managed to roll my right ankle, and pull my left hamstring, on the same move, while carrying a piece of furniture down the stairs out of our old house. As I stepped off the bottom step, my ankle rolled under me, and I pulled the hamstring compensating for rolling the ankle! I've spent several chunks of time over the last few days, reclining on my bed, with a bag of frozen peas on either my ankle or my hamstring. Looking a bit ridiculous, but thankful that the injuries weren't more serious.
I did make it to church Saturday night. And to the mountains yesterday.
Tonight I'm doing some errands for work, before returning home to attack the unpacking of our kitchen.
Tomorrow night is scheduled for grocery shopping and a trip to Ikea for a few essentials we've discovered are missing in our new place.
Wednesday I'm off work all day, and am hoping to take care of a number of errands, as well as make a dent in the unpacking. Wednesday is also the day that I should finally have internet access in our new house - something I'm most definitely looking forward to.
I'm a bit worn out, and still a bit frazzled, but overall, I felt the prayers of those who were praying. I made it through moving day, with it's high stress and high demands on energy levels I don't really have with only one minor meltdown mid-afternoon. I am, however, still managing to get at least some sleep, and that is most definitely helping.
It's entirely in chaos. I can't find my favorite pair of flip-flops (here's hoping they turn up soon!) But we're there. The goal for tonight is to unpack our kitchen, so we can at least start eating like normal human beings again.
The injury count was low, belonging wise. The glass on one framed photograph broke, but that's quite easily fixed sometime soon. (We're nowhere near being ready to hang our artwork anyway.
As for me, well, I've decided that I bruise more easily than fruit! I have deep, ugly bruises across both legs, both arms, and several on my hips and torso. I also have a small cut, high up on my torso, that I have no idea how I sustained.
I also managed to roll my right ankle, and pull my left hamstring, on the same move, while carrying a piece of furniture down the stairs out of our old house. As I stepped off the bottom step, my ankle rolled under me, and I pulled the hamstring compensating for rolling the ankle! I've spent several chunks of time over the last few days, reclining on my bed, with a bag of frozen peas on either my ankle or my hamstring. Looking a bit ridiculous, but thankful that the injuries weren't more serious.
I did make it to church Saturday night. And to the mountains yesterday.
Tonight I'm doing some errands for work, before returning home to attack the unpacking of our kitchen.
Tomorrow night is scheduled for grocery shopping and a trip to Ikea for a few essentials we've discovered are missing in our new place.
Wednesday I'm off work all day, and am hoping to take care of a number of errands, as well as make a dent in the unpacking. Wednesday is also the day that I should finally have internet access in our new house - something I'm most definitely looking forward to.
I'm a bit worn out, and still a bit frazzled, but overall, I felt the prayers of those who were praying. I made it through moving day, with it's high stress and high demands on energy levels I don't really have with only one minor meltdown mid-afternoon. I am, however, still managing to get at least some sleep, and that is most definitely helping.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Pity, party of one...
I'm laying here having a little tiny pity party.
I'm a terrible sick person. And when I'm overly tired it's worse.
So, I'm laying here feeling sorry for myself.
I'm thinking about the fact that June has presented certain challenges for the last several years. Challenges where the pace of transition in my life has stepped up dramatically, creating in my heart the need for greater time alone, or with those who know the deep places in my heart. Usually June prevents either, and I become crankier and crankier, and then I become ill.
Ill is arriving right on schedule.
I'm going to somehow have to find a significant chunk of time to get away alone. In a time when that time alone isn't taking away from a thousand other things that need to be done. And preferably not on an evening, when I need to be thinking about the fact that the next day I'll need energy for work.
Unfortunately, once we finally move, the first weekend will be taken up with a wedding... and the inevitable time necessary for settling in to a new home.
So, just at this moment, I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself. It seems one set of symptoms had only begun to clear up (and has since returned) and I got hit with another one. And somehow, despite the fact that each of the things I did this weekend were at least somewhat enjoyable, together they've managed to destroy my energy reserves.
I'm musing about things like the fact that a normal person would just go to bed right now, but, because of my disturbed sleep abilities, I daren't go to bed this early unless I want to be wide awake at 2:00 tomorrow morning, and on into the rest of the day. (Can I just say that that thought isn't really doing anything to add cheerfulness to my disposition either?)
I'm lonely too. Missing some of the people with whom my heart connects most deeply.
I'm watching my own temper closely too. The little pet peeves are seeming bigger in the face of exhaustion, illness, and too many people. I think I've successfully managed to keep from lashing out at anyone, but I'm not loving the attitudes I'm finding within myself.
So, I'm off to have a shower, and maybe read in bed. Or maybe I'll just start packing boxes. I definitely can't stay on the couch... wedding central has returned, re-invaded, and I'm off to find some quiet.
I'm a terrible sick person. And when I'm overly tired it's worse.
So, I'm laying here feeling sorry for myself.
I'm thinking about the fact that June has presented certain challenges for the last several years. Challenges where the pace of transition in my life has stepped up dramatically, creating in my heart the need for greater time alone, or with those who know the deep places in my heart. Usually June prevents either, and I become crankier and crankier, and then I become ill.
Ill is arriving right on schedule.
I'm going to somehow have to find a significant chunk of time to get away alone. In a time when that time alone isn't taking away from a thousand other things that need to be done. And preferably not on an evening, when I need to be thinking about the fact that the next day I'll need energy for work.
Unfortunately, once we finally move, the first weekend will be taken up with a wedding... and the inevitable time necessary for settling in to a new home.
So, just at this moment, I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself. It seems one set of symptoms had only begun to clear up (and has since returned) and I got hit with another one. And somehow, despite the fact that each of the things I did this weekend were at least somewhat enjoyable, together they've managed to destroy my energy reserves.
I'm musing about things like the fact that a normal person would just go to bed right now, but, because of my disturbed sleep abilities, I daren't go to bed this early unless I want to be wide awake at 2:00 tomorrow morning, and on into the rest of the day. (Can I just say that that thought isn't really doing anything to add cheerfulness to my disposition either?)
I'm lonely too. Missing some of the people with whom my heart connects most deeply.
I'm watching my own temper closely too. The little pet peeves are seeming bigger in the face of exhaustion, illness, and too many people. I think I've successfully managed to keep from lashing out at anyone, but I'm not loving the attitudes I'm finding within myself.
So, I'm off to have a shower, and maybe read in bed. Or maybe I'll just start packing boxes. I definitely can't stay on the couch... wedding central has returned, re-invaded, and I'm off to find some quiet.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Quotes and other thoughts
From the Saturday edition of the calendar that sits on my desk:
"We can never have too much hope in God. He gives in the measure we ask." (Saint Therese of Lisieux)
I may possibly need to start asking for larger measures of hope again.
~~~
It was a very full weekend. In so many ways. And I find myself exhausted as I'm sitting here on Monday morning, facing another long week.
I have this tendency to forget just how much energy it takes for me to be around people these days. It's becoming quickly apparent that I'm going to have to make it a priority on an evening this week to escape to the park by myself for an hour or two, to walk and pray and simply be alone.
I'm missing church, too. A few weeks back I found a place that I think I want to attend regularly for a while. I'm not sure exactly what that looks like right now, but there was a certain prompting from God to at least consider this as a resting spot on the journey for a while. It was a surprising prompting, as the church was pretty much everything I wasn't looking for, or generally don't want in a church, and yet, God has met me there quite powerfully every time I've attended (6 or 8 times) in the last year and a bit. I wasn't able to attend this weekend for a variety of reasons, and I found myself regretting that as I drove to work this morning. Regretting that there hadn't been that corporate time of pausing for worship and teaching. I likely won't make it there next weekend either, and I'm regretting that as well.
I'm grocery shopping with my roommate tonight. At the life-sucking mega store. And it's not a small shop either. We're out of a number of staple items. I hate the life-sucking mega store. Give me smaller, tidier, and slightly more expensive any day of the week. Hopefully, because it's a week-night, it won't be terribly busy, they'll actually have items in stock, and we'll be able to get in and out relatively quickly.
The thoughts and processing in my head and heart are wild and swirly, below the surface and confusing. In much the way I'm praying our weather finally settles into a thunderstorm that clears and cools the air, I'm praying for either a calming or the explosion that brings calm in my heart as well. For that deep and quieting encounter with Jesus.
And now, now it's time to start to tackle my "to do" list for the week.
"We can never have too much hope in God. He gives in the measure we ask." (Saint Therese of Lisieux)
I may possibly need to start asking for larger measures of hope again.
~~~
It was a very full weekend. In so many ways. And I find myself exhausted as I'm sitting here on Monday morning, facing another long week.
I have this tendency to forget just how much energy it takes for me to be around people these days. It's becoming quickly apparent that I'm going to have to make it a priority on an evening this week to escape to the park by myself for an hour or two, to walk and pray and simply be alone.
I'm missing church, too. A few weeks back I found a place that I think I want to attend regularly for a while. I'm not sure exactly what that looks like right now, but there was a certain prompting from God to at least consider this as a resting spot on the journey for a while. It was a surprising prompting, as the church was pretty much everything I wasn't looking for, or generally don't want in a church, and yet, God has met me there quite powerfully every time I've attended (6 or 8 times) in the last year and a bit. I wasn't able to attend this weekend for a variety of reasons, and I found myself regretting that as I drove to work this morning. Regretting that there hadn't been that corporate time of pausing for worship and teaching. I likely won't make it there next weekend either, and I'm regretting that as well.
I'm grocery shopping with my roommate tonight. At the life-sucking mega store. And it's not a small shop either. We're out of a number of staple items. I hate the life-sucking mega store. Give me smaller, tidier, and slightly more expensive any day of the week. Hopefully, because it's a week-night, it won't be terribly busy, they'll actually have items in stock, and we'll be able to get in and out relatively quickly.
The thoughts and processing in my head and heart are wild and swirly, below the surface and confusing. In much the way I'm praying our weather finally settles into a thunderstorm that clears and cools the air, I'm praying for either a calming or the explosion that brings calm in my heart as well. For that deep and quieting encounter with Jesus.
And now, now it's time to start to tackle my "to do" list for the week.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
I Should Have Known Better...
I should have known better.
I was in a fantastic mood. I'd gotten up slowly, visited the zoo, the farmer's market, and a great bakery before coming home to have breakfast.
There is a grocery store that I particularly hate. Unfortunately it has the best deals in town, so we shop there regularly. As stores go, it's huge and warehouse like. The floors are rarely clean, and it's even more rare that we don't have to go to another shop afterwards, because this store, despite it's good prices, rarely has everything we need (including staples like milk!) in stock. And, they're chronically short-staffed.
I'm sensitive to places, and this store is life-sucking. But, it saves us significant amounts of money, so we continue to shop there.
But, with all of that, I should have known better than to go grocery shopping there on a day I was in a good mood, and was supposed to be resting.
It was a bad move on my part. Within moments of stepping in the door, my mood had plummeted into crankiness.
Anyway... obviously I still need some work on the whole managing my energy and sabbath thing.
Here's to doing a better job of that next weekend.
I was in a fantastic mood. I'd gotten up slowly, visited the zoo, the farmer's market, and a great bakery before coming home to have breakfast.
There is a grocery store that I particularly hate. Unfortunately it has the best deals in town, so we shop there regularly. As stores go, it's huge and warehouse like. The floors are rarely clean, and it's even more rare that we don't have to go to another shop afterwards, because this store, despite it's good prices, rarely has everything we need (including staples like milk!) in stock. And, they're chronically short-staffed.
I'm sensitive to places, and this store is life-sucking. But, it saves us significant amounts of money, so we continue to shop there.
But, with all of that, I should have known better than to go grocery shopping there on a day I was in a good mood, and was supposed to be resting.
It was a bad move on my part. Within moments of stepping in the door, my mood had plummeted into crankiness.
Anyway... obviously I still need some work on the whole managing my energy and sabbath thing.
Here's to doing a better job of that next weekend.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
End of Day
The day is drawing to a close.
I was hoping to go to bed early tonight. But I took a nap late this afternoon that will likely preclude that.
I'm not feeling very well today. Physically anyway. Just kind of icky and lethargic.
And I have to be out the door really early tomorrow. Since George is still in the shop, it will necessitate taking the bus and then the train to work. I have not missed taking the bus and train, can I just say that? Not even a little bit. Ah well, hopefully I'll hear from my mechanic and have George back by the end of the day tomorrow.
I've done such fascinating things today as searching online to discover when our garbage collection day is. We're never home when the garbage collectors come by, and so we had no idea, but Calgary is putting in a recycling service, and it begins in my neighborhood this week, so I needed to know when garbage day is, so I know what day I have to put the big blue bin out in the back alley for pick up.
I really hadn't realized how housebound I must have been feeling before I got a car. My energy levels have been so low that doing errands by bus takes everything out of me. The short walk I made yesterday to a fair trade shop and home again left me exhausted and in need of a nap. It's no wonder I felt trapped so often before owning a car. I've struggled with that just this weekend, knowing I couldn't do some errands I'd hoped to get done, and knowing I'd have to push them to an evening during the week. And just feeling trapped, unable to go out and pick up a cup of tea or rent a movie, or browse a bookstore for a little escape from the mundane.
Here's hoping that George is repaired soon. Very soon.
I was hoping to go to bed early tonight. But I took a nap late this afternoon that will likely preclude that.
I'm not feeling very well today. Physically anyway. Just kind of icky and lethargic.
And I have to be out the door really early tomorrow. Since George is still in the shop, it will necessitate taking the bus and then the train to work. I have not missed taking the bus and train, can I just say that? Not even a little bit. Ah well, hopefully I'll hear from my mechanic and have George back by the end of the day tomorrow.
I've done such fascinating things today as searching online to discover when our garbage collection day is. We're never home when the garbage collectors come by, and so we had no idea, but Calgary is putting in a recycling service, and it begins in my neighborhood this week, so I needed to know when garbage day is, so I know what day I have to put the big blue bin out in the back alley for pick up.
I really hadn't realized how housebound I must have been feeling before I got a car. My energy levels have been so low that doing errands by bus takes everything out of me. The short walk I made yesterday to a fair trade shop and home again left me exhausted and in need of a nap. It's no wonder I felt trapped so often before owning a car. I've struggled with that just this weekend, knowing I couldn't do some errands I'd hoped to get done, and knowing I'd have to push them to an evening during the week. And just feeling trapped, unable to go out and pick up a cup of tea or rent a movie, or browse a bookstore for a little escape from the mundane.
Here's hoping that George is repaired soon. Very soon.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Not Much to Say
I survived another day at work.
I received some disappointing news today. Nothing catastrophic, just something I'd hoped for (and at the same time been afraid to hope for) that didn't pan out. I shed a few carefully hidden tears and then moved on.
My roommate and I chatted about that tonight. She had a similar, shed a few tears, then pull yourself together moment today.
I'm heading out in a little while to have coffee with a friend I haven't seen in at least a year, likely longer. If I'm not mistaken, she's travelled the world since I last saw her, so there should be lots to share.
I feel like I don't have a whole lot to say.
The weekend I had took a toll on my energy. I think that the outcomes of the weekend will ultimately be good, but right now I'm exhausted, and facing another week of work at a place that is immensely emotionally and spiritually draining.
I've been sleeping several hours a night lately. A supplement that a friend recommended seems to be helping. The flip side of that is that I've been sleeping deeply enough to have all sorts of wild and crazy and disturbing dreams. Not sure whether I prefer the sleepless nights or the dreams at this point, though a friend assures me that physically it's better for my goal to get my health back under control to be sleeping.
Anyway. I'm a rather boring person at the moment, so I think I'll stop here! There are thoughts percolating for better posts to come this week, but I need a free evening and a bit more energy to form them into words.
I received some disappointing news today. Nothing catastrophic, just something I'd hoped for (and at the same time been afraid to hope for) that didn't pan out. I shed a few carefully hidden tears and then moved on.
My roommate and I chatted about that tonight. She had a similar, shed a few tears, then pull yourself together moment today.
I'm heading out in a little while to have coffee with a friend I haven't seen in at least a year, likely longer. If I'm not mistaken, she's travelled the world since I last saw her, so there should be lots to share.
I feel like I don't have a whole lot to say.
The weekend I had took a toll on my energy. I think that the outcomes of the weekend will ultimately be good, but right now I'm exhausted, and facing another week of work at a place that is immensely emotionally and spiritually draining.
I've been sleeping several hours a night lately. A supplement that a friend recommended seems to be helping. The flip side of that is that I've been sleeping deeply enough to have all sorts of wild and crazy and disturbing dreams. Not sure whether I prefer the sleepless nights or the dreams at this point, though a friend assures me that physically it's better for my goal to get my health back under control to be sleeping.
Anyway. I'm a rather boring person at the moment, so I think I'll stop here! There are thoughts percolating for better posts to come this week, but I need a free evening and a bit more energy to form them into words.
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