Sunday, June 21, 2009

Pity, party of one...

I'm laying here having a little tiny pity party.

I'm a terrible sick person. And when I'm overly tired it's worse.

So, I'm laying here feeling sorry for myself.

I'm thinking about the fact that June has presented certain challenges for the last several years. Challenges where the pace of transition in my life has stepped up dramatically, creating in my heart the need for greater time alone, or with those who know the deep places in my heart. Usually June prevents either, and I become crankier and crankier, and then I become ill.

Ill is arriving right on schedule.

I'm going to somehow have to find a significant chunk of time to get away alone. In a time when that time alone isn't taking away from a thousand other things that need to be done. And preferably not on an evening, when I need to be thinking about the fact that the next day I'll need energy for work.

Unfortunately, once we finally move, the first weekend will be taken up with a wedding... and the inevitable time necessary for settling in to a new home.

So, just at this moment, I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself. It seems one set of symptoms had only begun to clear up (and has since returned) and I got hit with another one. And somehow, despite the fact that each of the things I did this weekend were at least somewhat enjoyable, together they've managed to destroy my energy reserves.

I'm musing about things like the fact that a normal person would just go to bed right now, but, because of my disturbed sleep abilities, I daren't go to bed this early unless I want to be wide awake at 2:00 tomorrow morning, and on into the rest of the day. (Can I just say that that thought isn't really doing anything to add cheerfulness to my disposition either?)

I'm lonely too. Missing some of the people with whom my heart connects most deeply.

I'm watching my own temper closely too. The little pet peeves are seeming bigger in the face of exhaustion, illness, and too many people. I think I've successfully managed to keep from lashing out at anyone, but I'm not loving the attitudes I'm finding within myself.

So, I'm off to have a shower, and maybe read in bed. Or maybe I'll just start packing boxes. I definitely can't stay on the couch... wedding central has returned, re-invaded, and I'm off to find some quiet.