Saturday, December 12, 2009

A Little Bit Sorry for Myself

Okay, I admit it, I'm sitting here feeling just a little bit sorry for myself.

I have a commitment tonight that I don't particularly want to attend because of some of the people who will be there, but need to attend, because I care about the person it's honoring.

Incidentally, I had to laugh last night when, while discussing tonight's plans with my mom, she asked the reason I wasn't looking forward to being around this particular group of people. My answer? "Because they're so christian!" We both got a good laugh out of that, especially since my mom has met a few of these people, and knows me well enough to know that what I was referring to was a particular strain of conservative, sheltered naivete that makes me a little bit crazy after a while. The sort of naivete that makes me a very shocking person (and those of you who know me, know that "shocking" isn't particularly a word that's regularly applied to me!)

But I'm feeling just a little bit sorry for myself because of the demand of tonight's commitment.

Because, you see, this is a very low energy weekend. This week was draining, and I came into the weekend knowing that I'd need to really limit my commitments. That I'd keep the ones I had planned (massage, banking, tonight, and tomorrow night) and that it would likely not be wise to add any more.

No big deal, except that there is another commitment, a gathering of the house church network I'm becoming involved in, tomorrow. And based on how I'm doing at the moment, and the knowledge that tonight will likely be a later night, and that I have a family commitment tomorrow night, it's unlikely that it would be wise for me to attend said gathering.

And, at the moment, that's making me a little bit grumpy and resentful. Grumpy because it's the event I'd definitely rather attend. And resentful because at 26, I really shouldn't have to make decisions like this based on health and energy levels.

I think it's actually been harder to be accepting of the energy level and health struggles over the last month. I've been feeling a little bit better. There are signs of life within me again. For the first time in a long time, I'm finding that I want to re-engage with the world. To be a bit social, make new friends, and seek out community again. And it has been frustrating me that sometimes even the most basic day to day things can exhaust me, and that the necessity is that the weekends are a time when I conserve energy a bit, to make it through the work days that pay my bills.

I'm telling myself that things are slowly getting better. (And they are.) And that it took a long time to get this overwhelmingly fatigued, so I certainly can't expect to heal overnight. (Also very true.)

But I'm still just a little bit grumpy. I'll get over it.

And who knows, maybe it'll be an earlier night than I think tonight, and I'll have one of those rare fantastic sleeps, and I'll be able to attend the gathering and my family event tomorrow evening.

If not, I'll choose joy in the morning somehow, and pray for those who are gathered, that it would be a time of great blessing and laughter and joy.