Wednesday, July 15, 2009

White Scarf Day

The fact that I'm wearing a particular white scarf today isn't going to mean much to most of you.

Some of you will know that this scarf has a variety of meanings and reminders for me.

Meanings like:
  • I'm praying
  • I'm exhausted and in need of covering and shielding
  • Surrender (or just plain "giving up" depending on your perspective)

I'm having a white scarf sort of day. For all of those reasons.

I'm on my third night of minimal sleep. Last night the frustrations from day had apparently not dissipated before I slept, and I either dreamt about them, or woke to them all through the night.

I'm definitely running on a low tolerance level for stupidity. Which is not a good thing when you consider what I'm about to tell you next!

My ability to filter my thoughts for appropriate content before they come right on out of my mouth in audible form is low. Which I've demonstrated by having at least one conversation (and probably more) where, as I heard the words come out of my mouth, my brain then chimed in with "I can't believe you just said that, and why are you still talking??!!" It chimed in too late... I definitely made comments that I normally would not have made out loud - at least not to that particular person!

My dad and I had a conversation last night about horizontal spaces in people's lives. He defined horizontal spaces quite literally - any space that is horizontal and used for storage etc. (tables, desks, etc.) and commented that if the horizontal spaces that belong to a person were in disarray, it was probably a good indicator of how their day, week, month, or year was going. (He was making the comment because he's having some horizontal space issues this week!) I just chuckled as I imagined the horizontal space issues that would be awaiting me when I returned to my desk at the office this morning. And, they've multiplied. In fact, I'm fairly certain that paper has become sentient and discovered a way to procreate/recreate itself on my desk. There is crap everywhere awaiting my attention.

At least I've got someone to cover my lunch hour today, so I'll get at least a bit of a break from the madness. A few minutes to play a game online, or read the book I brought with me.

Then a couple quick errands on the way home, cooking dinner, and I'm settling in for a quiet evening. Although there remains much packing and sorting to be done in our house, I may ignore it for one more evening. I need to allow myself some down time, I think. I also need to make the yoga workout that I was just to exhausted to force myself to do last night a priority tonight. And maybe, just maybe, I'll do some sorting while I watch a movie or a dvd. It's a possibility, but I think I'm also needing to give myself permission for that not to happen as well. It feels like pressure, since most of what is left to be sorted is mine to deal with, and I'm aware that I may not be in town this weekend to tackle it in big or small chunks (I also need to make a fairly important decision surrounding that tonight). I feel guilty, because my roommate has to also live with the remaining disorder. But at the same time, I'm needing to recognize that the last month and a half has taxed my energy limits and that if I don't create time and space to rest, I'll be in even bigger trouble in the days and weeks to come.