Tired

Overnight a minor flare-up of "I'm tired of all the crap-itis" turned into a full blown case.

I'm tired of the many, many curve balls that life has thrown my way this last while.

I'm tired of the the politics and the maneuvering and the bending of morals and standards in my place of employment.  There hasn't even been a recent influx of those things.  Just a build-up of long term exhaustion.

I'm tired of relationships that have to be carefully managed.

I'm tired of living (well, it feels like hiding sometimes) in the basement at Grandma's.

I'm tired of trying to come up with ways to smile and laugh at all the ridiculous things that life has thrown at me in the last few months.

I'm tired of feeling like I have to pretend.

I'm tired of being around people (my grandma especially) where I have to carefully watch every word I say.

To be honest, I'm not sure I'll post this, or, if I do, that I'll leave it up.

It's not the choosing differently attitude that I'm trying to embrace these days.

It's more of a wallowing.

And I'll be honest in saying that life circumstances are definitely making this choosing joy and choosing life thing a lot more challenging at the moment.

I'm weary.

I'm even tired of myself.