Thanksgiving

It's only 10 am, and I'm curled up in the student centre, with a jacket over my legs, and a scarf around my neck.  I've been here for over two hours, since the early morning class that I scraped myself out of bed for was cancelled.  I found myself a comfy spot, with my tea and scone and settled in.  As I've sat here, I've watched the sun creep up - a dull, wintery sun, fighting hard to break through the clouds that are the remnants of a winter storm overnight.

It's been quiet in this space lately, and, quite frankly, it's probably going to stay that way for a awhile longer.  A casualty of school and life has been writing publicly.  I'm barely finding time to write privately - to process in my journal, and keep up with dear, far-away friends by email.  And right now, the focus of my life needs to be on school, and on honoring some quiet places of pondering, processing, and exploring.  So I walk forward with that.

It's Thanksgiving today for my American friends and family, and it reminds me that I've been less than faithful in keeping up with daily 5 posts as well.  The truth is, after much pondering, I'm saying goodbye to that daily habit - or more accurately, to the daily habit of recording my thanksgiving and smiles in this space.  In the over three years that I've kept daily count, the habit of choosing joy has begun to be deeply ingrained in my soul.  It has altered my internal monologue, taught me the value of choosing gratitude, and given me the ability to celebrate each moment of happiness.  There isn't a day that passes where I don't pause multiple times to mentally note a moment of joy or gratitude.

I think I'll still be here occasionally with those lists, and maybe someday I'll resurrect the daily practice of recording them, but today, I'm saying goodbye to that practice, and ushering it out with a list of smiles that stand out from the last several days.  It seems a good thing to do on a day that one half of my family lineage and so many of my dear friends use to pause and give thanks.

Daily "5":

1. The boy who walks his dog in my neighborhood while riding a unicycle
2. Thanksgiving for a sound mind - especially after two rough hospital shifts caring for a patient with dementia
3. a quiet spot to curl up on this cold morning
4. Anything that has color in the grey colorlessness of winter
5. watching the sun climb the sky today
6. moments of rest
7. a food awesome cooking successes this last week
8. an extra large tea and a wonderful scone for breakfast
9. bus drivers that make it possible for me to avoid winter driving
10. dear sweet friends who have gone out of their way to encourage, pray for and with, and journey alongside me

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Rambling Thoughts

It's Monday morning and I've been awake for half an hour or so.

Usually I write these Monday posts at some point on the weekend, so they're all ready to go, long before I wake.

I was too tired last night to accomplish that.  It was the last thing on my list, and I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

So I'm writing now, propped on pillows, still semi-reclined in bed.

This is one of those Monday's when I don't have anything burning to say.  No story from the deep internal moments of my life.  No half rant, half exposition of my thoughts on something I've learned at school, and why I can't quite agree with it.  Today there's just my slightly sleepy ramblings.

I'm thinking about how much I appreciated the quiet of the weekend.  How much I enjoyed the silent spaces that I sat in, even when I filled those silent spaces with work.

I'm thinking about my body, and long-term health goals.  About the moments when I see little bits of progress towards those goals.  About the ways that I am working to change my thinking, to make these goals long term habits, and not about short term gain.

I'm thinking about the fact that life threw major bumps at me last week, all in twenty-four hours.  Major financial challenges, the emergency hospitalization of a couple people very close to me, all while I was battling illness.  I'm thinking that I'm proud of how I handled those 24 hours.  That I'm thankful for the friend who let me rant a bit in the midst of them, and the friends who hugged me and prayed with me at house church.  I'm thinking about how the way I would have weathered this a year ago would have been different, and how I see immense healing and growth in the way I handled it now.  And I'm proud of that, and thankful for it.  I'm thinking about how it reflects my word for last year "heal" and my word for this year "still" in that I see healing in my response, and I was able to hold onto that internal peace and stillness even amidst the tossing of life's waves.

I'm thinking that there is always something to think about, and that I'm thankful for a Monday ahead of me with very few scheduled commitments, and lots of space - even space from school work, since I accomplished most of the homework and reading for this week already, and don't have to devote more than an hour or two of today to it.

I'm thinking that slightly sleep thankfulness and exploring rambling thoughts feels like the perfect way to begin this day.  And so, I'm off to crawl out of bed and begin it in earnest!

Thanksgiving

I'll be sleeping (I hope anyway!) when this post goes live.  That is the beauty of a holiday long weekend.  No 5:30 am wake-up calls.

And for those of us in Canada, today is our Thanksgiving.  We space our big turkey dinners out a bit more up here!

And so, in the spirit of thanksgiving, let me just list a few things I'm thankful for:

• for healing that's happening
• for days that seem more settled
• for wise voices in my life
• for growing friendships
• for a house church I love
• for a job that's paying bills for the moment
• for television that's available online
• for time to read on the bus commute
• for text messages from house church friends
• for skype and hours spent chatting with people I love
• for reasons to laugh
• for a growing desire to indulge in creativity
• for new things
• for supplements and medications that make my days smoother because of health
• for happy memories
• for upcoming good things

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

What are you thankful for today?

Shifting Perspective

Monday was a hard day for a whole collection of reasons, not the least of which was the eight inches of snow that fell in the six hours between when I went to bed Sunday night, and when I walked out the door to catch a bus on Monday morning.

As I stood at the last bus stop of the day, after nearly falling on the slick ground, I thought to myself, "Yep, if I fell and hurt myself, that would just be the perfect capper to this crappy day."

And then I stopped.

Because, well, it had been a crappy day.  But my internal voice kicked in.  The voice that is honed by a year and a half of choosing to notice the little things and be grateful.

I think this was the first time that voice really took on a life of it's own.

For every complaint I came up with for the day, it had a response.

I said, "The weather was nasty, and my first class almost got canceled after I hauled my butt out of bed to get there, and then it was a waste of time.  I sat there and a librarian told me how to search for journal articles.  I learned that, umm, ten years ago, when I actually was a first year student, not a student taking first random first year classes ten years later."

The voice reminded me, "But the class didn't get canceled.  And, instead of paying attention to the librarian, you used the time to research for the project due later this week, and emailed yourself several potentially very useful journal articles that will apply to TWO different projects."

I said, "Ugh, I got word of another marriage ended.  My heart hurts and I'm tired of all these shattered relationships."

The voice reminded me of several friends held dear, and of the fragility of marriage, and entreated me to lift their marriages up in prayer.

I said, "Well fine, but that other class did get canceled.  What a waste in the middle of my day."

The voice said, "Umm... but that canceled class let you attend the worship gathering on campus, and on a really hard day, have 40 minutes to really quiet your heart and let it rest.  And you miss corporate worship, remember?"

I said, "My evening plans changed.  And it made me cry.  In the hallway.  Over plans I wasn't even very attached to."

The voice commented, "But you get to rest instead.  And join a friend to watch a show that always makes you laugh."

I said, "I almost fell in this dang snow that's everywhere!"

The voice said, "But you didn't."

Dang, that inner voice of mine got wise when I wasn't looking!

It had an answer for everything.

And more than that, it was right.

Yes, the day on Monday presented a great deal of challenges (some far less trivial than canceled classes, by the way).  And the temptation was to see the day as a disaster.

But the practice of making those Daily 5 lists seems to have paid off.  I'm less willing to write off a whole day as a disaster, and more able to see the balance of beautiful and ugly, painful and joyful.

It's a shifting perspective that's beginning to assert itself, and I'm making room in my heart to make it a cozy spot.  I want it to stick around.

Monday Morning Simplicities

I woke with yesterday's migraine seeming to have dissipated.  This is a blessing, since I need to be at work today, and that would be hard to manage if I couldn't open my eyes or be upright for more than 10 minutes at a time.

I slept at mom and dad's again last night, unusual for a Sunday night, a function of how miserable I was feeling.  It meant I slept later, and actually saw daylight on my way to work.  This is a blessing in a season when the days continue to grow shorter, and I often leave before the sun is fully up, and return home after it's gone down, and spend my days in a windowless office.

I'm thankful for a day that isn't crazy at work, though it will be full.  That's a blessing since I'm still not feeling 100%.

I'm thankful for a job I love right now.

I Speak English

My major job at work right now is phoning families that have been referred to us by other agencies to set up appointments for them to come in and "shop" for toys for their children for Christmas.  It's fabulous, as it basically means that all day every day I'm making people happy. 

However, making these phone calls all day has made me incredibly aware of how much of a blessing it is to be living in a place where I speak the dominant language fluently.  Most of the people I phone are immigrants with varying degrees of ability to speak English.  I can't even imagine how difficult it would be to navigate a new culture on a daily basis, knowing people are trying to communicate important information to you about appointments, about your immigration status, about your health and children, and have to struggle to understand.

That said, there have been some moments of general hilarity, or deep poignancy.  The woman who was so relieved when I called, and admitted she was having a hard day.  She'd lost a baby recently, and was grieving.  She told me that she was so happy I called because she was doing enough grieving, and she didn't want her living child to also grieve.  Being able to provide Christmas for her child was a miracle in her day, and I got to be a part of it.  There was one woman who turned down my offer of an appointment, telling me that while her income was still low, she could provide for her children, and she'd rather the gifts go to a family who was in the place hers had been a few years ago.  And then there was the woman who, when I asked her to spell her last name, did so emphatically, in her thickly accented English, and had me working hard not to burst into laughter.  Her response?  "It's Fu.  Eff.  You!"  I cracked up as soon as I hung up the phone.  The whole thing was made far funnier by her complete lack of awareness as she proudly spelled her name for me, ensuring we were communicating smoothly!

These are my days, and I'm glad I speak English.  It's something I took for granted, and patiently calling these people day after day is making me re-think that.  It's a blessing to speak the dominant language of the country in which you live.  And it's one I'll remember, if, as I dream of, I one day find myself transplanted to some place where I am no longer fluent in the dominant language.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 102

Today's Daily 5 (the American Thanksgiving Edition!):

1. Having a Chinook (terrible for headaches, but great for weather in the winter.  35 C change in temperature overnight)
2. Not having to wear multiple layers of clothing over my entire body to be outside
3. Having the strength to get out of bed on the hard mornings
4. my iphone
5. Cute and cozy boots
6. wearing jeans at work
7. an encouraging conversation with sympathetic friends yesterday
8. "First, he loves me, second, he loves me, third, he loves me..."
9. A job I'm really enjoying, that, to top it off, is indoors (can't imagine having outdoor work in the winter here)
10. A roof over my head at night, however dubious my ridiculous living situation
11. sweet friends who offer love and care and prayers
12. coworkers I enjoy
13. email - what a blessing to be able to instantly keep in touch with friends so very far away
14. Skype - ditto to email, but with voices and sometimes even video!
15. a smooth move of offices to the building across the street today
16. having lunch provided today
17. chocolate
18. wise counsel from trusted friends and family
19. an inspiring conversation this afternoon about living out God's calling on our lives with one of the volunteers who works with the agency I'm working for this month
20. ease of access to necessary services like banking and medical care
21. speaking the dominant language of the society in which I live fluently.  I spend all day right now talking on the phone with immigrants who are struggling with English, and I think it's such a blessing to be able to freely communicate
22. being in full possession of my mental faculties (again, some of the people I encounter at work these days, not so much, and I feel for them)
23. starbucks caramel apple spice and cranberry bliss bar (those bars are TASTY)
24. Subway for supper
25. a smaller group at house church that made for really good, honest discussion,
26. shifting dynamics at house church that remind me that God is moving amongst us
27. closing the evening by simply sharing honestly and praying a bit for each other
28. the promise of a weekend retreating a bit, staying at mom and dad's for a break
29. a new glass water bottle, with a silicone sleeve, to help prevent breakage
30. finishing up an audio book (Kabul Beauty School) that was a fascinating "read" (gotta love unabridged, well read audio books)

Thanksgiving

When I woke this morning, I was feeling pretty dejected.  It wasn't the greatest night for restful sleep (though I did sleep, so hard that I forgot to take my glasses off, and woke with them still on this morning.)  And some of the more challenging realities of life right now remain most present in the late night and early morning hours when I am laying, alone, in the dark and quiet, and not filling time and space with distractions.

And then I remembered that today is Thanksgiving in the United States.

One of the bonuses of having dual citizenship is that I get my pick of holidays from two different countries (not as formal days off, but as things to celebrate and acknowledge), and it's rather nice to celebrate Thanksgiving not once, but twice.  And, the best part is, I don't even care about the meal.  Turkey and pumpkin pie don't do a lot for me, so I just get to celebrate the happy internal part, without the feast that leaves you feeling overfull and sick for the next two days!

And that's what I'm doing today.  Pausing to give thanks.  To think, as I move through my day, about the things I'm grateful for, and focus on those instead of on all the challenges of life right now.  My goal is to have a nice long daily 5 list at the end of the night tonight of all the things that come to mind today for which to give thanks.

So, today I'm virtually waving "hello" to my American friends and family, and wishing you a very Happy Thanksgiving.  I'd give each of you a hug if I was nearby.  May you know rich blessings of joy and peace and grace today, and have many, many things for which to give thanks.

Immediate Thanks

This is definitely one of those days where it's a bit harder to keep the hard stuff at bay.  I'm in need of an immediate thankful list, before even writing tonight's daily 5.

5 Things I'm Thankful for Right This Minute:

1. Sitting in the sun at the bus stop
2. Managing to eat breakfast
3. a deep resolve to face this day, whatever it holds
4. Sleeping last night, relatively peacefully
5. being greeted with a hug

Passion Fatigue

I appreciated this brief article that Pete Greig wrote for the 24-7 Prayer website last week.

It's still challenging for me to read stuff from 24-7.  I have a very mixed history with them, from really meeting God deeply and discovering a heart for intercession in various prayer rooms, to some really rough experiences that took me to a place where it was well over a year before I was even able to venture into a prayer room again.  (And then, the first time I ventured back to one, I sat alone in the basement, quelling all the fears and memories and trying to really enter into worship in that space, and a fight quite literally broke out upstairs above me!)  That said, I am continually challenged by the lives and writing of some of those deeply involved in 24-7, and these days I work to be thankful for the good things that movement added to my faith, and not focus on the really painful memories.

I know the feelings that Pete is describing, though I think sometimes I get tired reading of all the reports of God's work and goodness simply because I'm not living in a place right now where I get to see much of that first hand.  After a while about reading about the things God is doing elsewhere, I get dissatisfied with the ways that I know he is working here.  I want "bigger and better."

And yet, I was struck by Pete's conclusion, as he spoke about the couple who simply wanted him to help them thank God.  Because that moment is one that is deeply moving, I think, and it reminds me to carry that contentment and thankfulness that I've been working to develop and carry with me.

Thankful

The kind of week I've had this week, with it's crazy ups and downs, it's internal struggles causing distraction amidst the need for intense focus, reminds me to be thankful.  To celebrate the little things.  Things like:

1. The fact that it's not even 11am on Friday morning and I've finished making all of the anatomy chapter notes that I set out to accomplish this week.  There's lots of review left, but the notes are done.
2. Hugging friends
3. chocolate
4. a hot shower in between bouts of studying - so thankful that my "office" these days is in mom and dad's basement and comes equipped with a shower and a yoga mat, and three meals a day, plus snacks, all for the low price of some chores around the house and cooking a few of those meals.
5. little notes from friends and family that have brought smiles
6. wearing comfy slippers
7. playing simple games on the internet for a break or a distraction
8. blogging friends
9. favorite quotes.
10. pumpkin cookies
11. a day where focus comes more easily, and the distractions recede for a while
12. falling asleep to and waking up to worship and preaching online from a church I love in California
13. sunshine (finally!)

I'm going to choose to celebrate the simple things that are bringing smiles today.  And remember how grateful I am for each of those little blessings.

Slightly Recovered

I'm doing slightly better than this morning.

Emails and comments from a few friends brought smiles.

The roses that are still hanging in there on my desk helped.

Booking a pre-wedding manicure and pedicure for Saturday helped.

A sandwich for lunch full of this beef filling that my mom makes, and I rarely get these days helped.  (My mom gave me a container of the filling last night.)

Settling into a few tasks at the office helped too.

I'm still tired, still distracted, still feeling a bit overwhelmed by the curve-balls of life.

But I'm doing slightly better.

And for that, I'm thankful.

Blessed

I took the "Poppy Test" this morning, and these were the results, which made me smile.  I'm not totally sure I am that person.  But in some ways (except maybe for being my own best teacher - I rather prefer feedback from others) this is the sort of person I'm aiming to be.  More happy, more thankful, more aware that I really am blessed.

You Are Blessed

You are a naturally grateful person. You believe it's important to be thankful for whatever you have. You've gained the most by traveling down your own path in life. You are a naturally spiritual person. You are your own best teacher. You try to figure out what you need and then give it to yourself. On a good day, you really shine. Luckily, most of your days are good days.

The Poppy Test

Blogthings: If Quizzes Are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Take Quizzes

3000 - Thankful

This is the 3000th time in just over 5 years that I've shown up here.

That number seems crazy and immense to me.  That 3000 times in the last five years I've felt like there was something worth sharing, or, sometimes, that I simply needed a place to show up and be myself.

It's way too early to be awake on a Saturday, and I've been lying here already for an hour and a half.  I felt better about that early waking when I remembered that I went to bed very early last night, and, counting backwards, waking interruptions aside, realized I still slept for close to eight hours.  Sweet.

It will be a full day.

Errands this morning.

A much needed appointment for a massage.

Time with family.

A bridal shower for L. tonight.

Almost daunting, from the perspective I have still half-laying in bed, so early in the day.

And yet, I'm thankful.

Thankful for what the outcome of the errands will be.

Thankful for an email from a dear friend, advising of her safe return.

Thankful for eight hours of quiet, if not of sleep, even if they ended sooner than I would have preferred.

Thankful for the timing of a badly needed massage appointment.

Thankful that tonight I get to participate in celebrating L, and her upcoming marriage to my brother.

Thankful for this blog space, that I've been able to show up at and be myself.  3000 times in the last five or so years.

I think it's going to be a good day, but even if it all goes sour, I can pause and remember these moments, in the dawning of the day, where there was and is so much to be thankful for.

Easter Monday thoughts

It's Easter Monday and I'm at the office alone.  We're technically closed today, but I had a lot to do, and decided to work for at least a portion of today, and earn some lieu time for later.  It's actually kind of nice to be here alone.  It's so quiet, no phones ringing.  I'm wearing jeans, and have worship music playing.  It's maybe one of the more peaceful places I've been in a while (ironic if you know much about the drama that often consumes my workplace.)

If I'm honest, Easter felt disappointing.

I wanted it to be some triumphant overcoming thing.  To bring some dramatic shift in a number of things in my life that are really challenging at the moment.  To bring change.  Instead, it was quiet.  A celebration of resurrection, to be sure, but no tangible change, not even in hope.  A day that ended up draining what little energy reserves I had remaining, so that, by the end of the evening, all I could think was how badly I wanted a hug, and how badly I wanted to live closer to a dear friend, and just let her hold me while I sobbed out all the stress and exhaustion.

So, this morning I'll start again.

Fight again.

For hope.

And joy.

And thankfulness.

Because even after pushing for that for months and months, it doesn't seem easy most days.

I'll start by enjoying the quiet here at the office.

And the fact that I am legitimately away from the tensions of my living situation. 

And the fact that though I'm working extra hours, I'll receive equal hours sometime in the future, at a time when others will be working.

And the wearing of jeans.

And my cup of passion tea.

And with that, I'm off to tackle the first on the longish list of tasks that I came here to accomplish today.

At Rest

At some point in the coming days, I want to write a bit about the process of this move, how it was that I've decided to live in my Grandma's basement at nearly 27 years of age.  I want to talk about the very unique challenges that this move is creating in me.

But for tonight, I'm trying to rest.  I have to go out one more time, a bit later, to pick up my grandma's truck so that it's at my house and ready to be loaded when the people who are helping me move arrive in the morning.

About half way through the morning today I realize that I was pretty much useless at the office thanks to my distraction and fairly high stress level.  After a quick chat with my boss I'd gained permission to take a half a personal day on incredibly short notice.  That meant that the load of stuff I was supposed to move tonight was moved this afternoon, and then I was able to come home, move quickly through the vast majority of what remained for packing tasks, do a few little cleaning things, and now I can rest.

I don't think I can quite express how grateful I am right now for my boss' flexibility this morning.  It's an invaluable thing to me to be able to rest and sit quietly for a bit tonight, reflecting a little, praying a little, and just breathing. 

If you've been around this blog through the last three moves, you know that my struggle with panic tends to greatly intensify in times of massive change - and particular when I'm moving.  I've been so grateful to see a degree of healing in that this time.  Yes, the panic is still lurking close by, but thanks to the help fo friends and family, I think tomorrow will actually be a fairly quick, one, maybe two load process, followed by some cleaning.  My thoughts aren't in overdrive right now (though I am conciously stopping myself from moving, and forcing myself to take advantage of the opportunity to rest.).  The very lack of thought overdrive is a total blessing, and an answer to prayer.

So, for the moment I'm resting, and thankful.

Grateful

I've been waking up around 5:30 or so for the last several weeks.  Not intentionally, it just seems to be when I wake.  It is not usually a happy thing.

This morning though, I woke, did some quick calculations, and just felt grateful.  I'd slept for 6 straight hours.  After a week that contained dreams, a horrific nightmare, and a night where I was awake ill and in immense pain, at 5:30 those six hours felt like an incredible blessing.  Especially since I could close my eyes, roll over, and drift in and out of sleep for another couple of hours.

Today I'm moving another load of belongings to my Grandma's house.

While I'm there, I'll check out the paint job.  Apparently she loves to paint, and she called me at work yesterday to tell me that the painting is done.  I'm a little concerned that she only did one coat, so we'll see, but even if I have to do one more coat, I'm grateful for the help.

Then it'll be on to mom and dad's house, to get a treatment from my mom, hang out and watch some olympic action, and likely borrow a car to accomplish some errands.

A pretty mundane day all in all, but I'm not really sorry for that.  It's been a really exhausting few weeks, and there are a few more weeks like that in the works, so I'll be grateful for the slower pace.  And, there's maybe even a trip to the mountains in the works for Monday.  I would love a little bit of time in the mountains.

So, this morning I'm grateful.  For sleep.  For a family that is so helpful.  And for a much needed long weekend.

Daily 5 - Day 167

Today's Daily 5 (the mostly accident edition!):

1. I'm thankful that the driver who I hit was very kind.  We waited nearly an hour for the police to arrive (EMS and Fire had come and gone in that time), and it was cold out this morning.  He welcomed me to sit in his truck (which was warm, since George really wasn't).  We chatted and made sure each other were okay, traded insurance information, and just generally managed to stay calm and make the necessary phone calls.
2. I'm thankful that though George is no more, I am not seriously injured.
3. I'm thankful that the fire after the accident was quickly put out by a passing motorist who stopped, and had a fire extinguisher in his vehicle.  That also could have been so much more serious than it was.  I'll be carrying a fire extinguisher in my vehicle from now on I think!
4. I'm also thankful for the quick thinking motorist who stopped and put out my fire!
   
5. I'm thankful for a generous policeman who kindly warned me to leave more following space, instead of issuing me a very expensive ticket.
6. I'm thankful for the tow truck arriving quickly (they said expect it in an hour, but it arrived in 20 minutes!) and for the tow truck driver being friendly and efficient, and willing to ferry me along with my car to the mechanic.
7. I'm thankful for my dad, who took numerous calls from me as events progressed, and then met me at the mechanics, showing up with a hug for me, questions for the mechanic as we quickly made the decision that George was a goner, and then took me home to my mom.
8. I'm thankful that I live in the same city as my parents, and that when my dad asked if I wanted to go home or to their house, I could go to their house.  
9. I'm thankful for my mom who greeted me with another hug, let me cry a little, gave me a short treatment to immediately help with healing, brought me painkillers and an ice pack, fed me lunch, and let me lay on her couch and soothe my jangled soul with dozing to the Food Network on their satellite television.
10. I'm thankful for both of my brothers and T's fiance who in their own ways let me know that they were concerned about me today, were praying, and loved me.
11. I'm thankful for all the friends who sent notes and left facebook comments, or sent text messages or emails, telling me they were praying, and making sure I was okay.
12. I'm thankful for lasagna for supper - I actually cooked, but also for a roommate who was more than willing to do the cleanup as by that time my left shoulder was letting me know that movement was no longer a good option.  I'm also thankful that she is more than willing to do the cooking tomorrow night.
13. I'm thankful that my work was very understanding of the fact that I was not coming in today, and that I can be confident that if I wake up in the morning too sore to move, they'll give me another day or so to recover as well.
14. I'm thankful for the incredible peace that I've felt today.  That's really unusual for me after an accident (I've had a couple previous ones, as well as some very scary near misses, mostly involving ice and snow).  I feel like I've been buoyed by Jesus' love and the prayers of so many, and I'm really grateful for that.  Especially since I've been struggling for the last several days with anxiety again, and working on getting the supplements evened out again.  It's been such a blessing to not be feeling that today.
15. I'm thankful that tomorrow is another day, and one that won't hold a car accident!  :)
    

Choosing Thanks

I'm very tired this morning.

Sleep was a bit fleeting again.  It has been most of this week.

And it's been a busy week, and it's going to be busier as I hit the weekend.

It's snowing again, but I drove to work anyway.  I simply couldn't face the added coordination of myself that it would take to get myself and my roommate (with no warning) to the train.  I'm hoping it sticks to the "light snow" that's forecasted, and that trying to get home tonight isn't a disaster.  I need to get home for a while in between work and plans to spend the evening with family.  If I don't make it home, I won't have bedding tonight, and I'll be moving four tires out of my trunk in the quest to find the sleeping bag that's buried somewhere in the back.  I put all of my sheets in the washer this morning, and if I don't get home, they won't make it to the dryer.  I'd definitely prefer to not have to go through the rummaging through my trunk to find a sleeping bag scenario.

I'm choosing thankfulness this morning.

I mentioned in last night's daily 5 post that driving home from house church after a long conversation with a new friend about the challenges I've dealt with for the last two years, that I was thinking about something she'd shared a few months back.  She'd talked about the process of being refined, and it struck me deeply.  Driving home last night it hit me in a fresh way that despite some of the rather hellish relational and health struggles that I've had for the last two years, I don't think I'd trade away those things if I also lost the changes within me.  It has been a fight that at times I wasn't sure I'd survive.  But I am surviving.  And I realized in a fresh way last night that I am emerging from this into new places, and that I like the person that I've become and am becoming.  I really like her.  And for me, that's huge, and hope giving and life giving.  To really like this person God is shaping me into.

So this morning, despite really cranky people in the office, and my own exhaustion, I'm choosing to be thankful  Thankful for the friend who listened to my story.  Thankful for her words a month or so back about being refined.  Thankful for the changes I'm sensing in myself, and the hope that they're giving.  And maybe even thankful for all of the really painful things (not quite sure I'm there yet), because they have been the things that have formed and birthed these changes within me.

Daily 5 - Day 155

Today's Daily 5:

1. I'm thankful for a landlord who responded really promptly.  By the time I got home tonight, our kitchen sink drain was once again functioning.
2. I'm thankful for this house church I'm becoming a part of.
3. I'm thankful for the little ways I saw God confirm tonight that this is a group that is interested in seeking his heart
4. I'm thankful that though I'm definitely lagging and feeling the effects, I've been able to enjoy the company of friends several nights in a row.  That my health is being restored.  A year ago there is no way I could have had plans 4 nights in a row.
5. I'm thankful for the unplanned extra 20 minutes of alone time in my car, listening to an audio book while I waited in the line for the car wash tonight.
6. I'm thankful to have a little bit of money that I can give to things I really care about.
7. I'm thankful that my roommate cooked supper for us tonight.
8. I'm thankful for clean water to drink, and enough food to eat
9. I'm thankful for a safe place to live.
10. I'm thankful for a job that provides for my needs, even on days like today where it's really challenging for me to set my opinions aside and do a job in a way I don't like.  I'm grateful to have a job.