Not About Me

A while ago a dear friend of me sent me a link to a post that Sarah Markley had written.  I loved the post, and immediately subscribed to Sarah's blog, and have been loving it ever since.

Late last week Sarah posted this post "It's SO not About Me".

And oh, boy, do I identify.

I work to hide it, and I rarely vocalize it, but I'm totally insecure.

If I haven't heard back from a friend about something, I do not immediately assume that they're busy or out of town.  My thoughts immediately go to, "I must have done something," or "they're avoiding me" or "I'm an obligation and they don't really want to spend time with me."

And then I talk myself down to "oh, they're really busy, or out of town or whatever."  Sort of successfully.

It's almost never totally successful until I actually hear from that person that they've been busy or away or whatever.

I liked Sarah's solution of offering grace.

Lately, the big lesson has been learning to offer that to myself. 

To have the security to believe that I am loved.  That my friends aren't friends with me because it's an obligation.  That I am surrounded by people who are loving on me, caring for me, and supporting me.

It's a lesson in grace - and a reminder "It's not about me."

Seeing Myself

This was today's Garfield cartoon.  It made me smile, and then pause to reflect just a little.  Because I haven't always been a big fan of myself.  In fact, it's something I still struggle with.  Just before I turned 25, a dear friend and I were talking about self care, and self image, and seeing oneself as the creation of God, and she assigned a task to me.  She asked me to make a list of 25 Things I Love About Myself.  Not things that connected to other people, but things that were actually about me.  The very idea made me cringe.  I finally sat down one Sunday afternoon a few months before my 26th birthday to complete the task she'd been strategically reminding me of all year.  If I'm being totally honest, I completed it partly because she told me I owed her an extra item for each birthday that passed before I completed the list, and the idea of needing even one more item when 25 was so hard was daunting.

I won't share the list here, as it's rather personal, but the excercise forced me to look at myself just a little bit differently.  To celebrate little things that are unique to the way God created me.  It's an ongoing process, and I was reminded of that process, of the progress that's been made, and the distance left to come as I read this cartoon this morning.  I think I'm going to print the cartoon out and stick it up on my wall at work, and at home, as an ongoing reminder that the quest to see differently includes seeing myself differently.

Daily 5 - Day 162

Today's Daily 5:

1. Eating together as a house group - how fun to share a meal we'd all contributed to, and laugh and talk while enjoying it with some nice wine.
2. A long conversation with S. a new friend.  It was special for me to have the chance to share some of the story of the challenging last two years of my life to someone who chose to simply listen attentively.  I was really grateful for that actually.
3. now have replacement glass water bottles for the two original flawed ones.
4. Thinking about a line from an audio book I've been listening to, a mother speaking to her daughter, "you deserve to love yourself."  Thinking about the conversations similar to that where a dear friend has spoken those things to me.  Realizing that I'm slowly falling in love with life again, and that I'm beginning to feel excited about the person that I've become and am becoming in the midst of these difficult years.
5. Thankful that in a week that has presented a few health challenges, I've been able to manage a relatively busy schedule without the complete exhaustion and emotional collapse that has sometimes happened.  Yes, I'm exhausted, but I'm hopeful and peaceful.  That is progress.  It's small, but for me, tonight, worth celebrating.
   

Who Are You to Yourself?

This quiz title made me smile.  Mostly because it seemed like a good quiz for the beginning of a new year.  The questions made me smile because they were all based around waves and being near the ocean - I've had many, many discussions about waves the last few years, and I love oceans, and large bodies of water in general.  The results were actually fairly accurate of me as well.

You Take Yourself Seriously

You see yourself as a thoughtful and introspective person. You are very intelligent. You think other people see you as friendly, happy, and charming. You tend to get along well with everyone. You want to see yourself as independent and free wheeling. You'd like to do your own thing more often. You identify as a compassionate and accepting person. You pride yourself on being forgiving.

Who Are You to Yourself?

Blogthings: Our Quizzes Weren't Written By Bored 12 Year Olds

Not quite ready to share...

I started writing a long post this morning on the topics of self-love and rest.

I'll probably finish it eventually, but I'm feeling pretty raw in those areas this week and needing perhaps process for a while longer, alone and with a few dear friends, so I'm going to leave it for now.

This has been a week that has in many ways highlighted failures in some key things in my life right now. I don't think that has been a bad thing - I'm certainly very aware of the areas that are needing my attention in the coming days. But it is a tiring thing, and for me, a constant battle to balance the conviction from God that those things have carried, with the self-condemnation not from God that they have also stirred.

I received a phone call last night from a long time friend that may carry some interesting consequences as well. Perhaps some tiny chance at healing and forgiveness and reconciliation regarding a situation we were both part of at a home church we attended quite a number of years back. I pray there is healing and release for us as things play out, whether or not they also carry reconciliation.

I am attending a prayer conference tonight and all day tomorrow, and right now that is feeling like a colossal risk. I registered on a whim when it was mentioned one night at the church I've been sort of kind of attending for a while now. I knew of the speaker, had heard glowing recommendations of his work from some trusted friends, and felt the prompting to register. Right in this moment, that is scary to me. After this week I'm feeling the need to meet with Jesus deeply, and I believe this conference offers the potential for that. But I'm also afraid - afraid that he won't show up, afraid that he will.

If you're the praying type, I'd appreciate your prayers. This has been a very hard week. Not bad, but hard. Many things coming home deeply to me. And the need to find a way forward amidst that.

Are you sitting up straight?

I read this article this morning, and felt the sudden urge to work on my posture. Apparently it's important, and linked to self-confidence.

I'll admit to chronically slouching. Mostly because I'm quite short, and furniture never fits me. If I sit straight up on most chairs or couches, with my back against their back, my feet likely don't touch the ground. So I slouch or sit cross-legged to compensate for size and comfort.

Though I think now I'll probably make the effort to sit up a bit straighter!