Friday, October 23, 2009

Not quite ready to share...

I started writing a long post this morning on the topics of self-love and rest.

I'll probably finish it eventually, but I'm feeling pretty raw in those areas this week and needing perhaps process for a while longer, alone and with a few dear friends, so I'm going to leave it for now.

This has been a week that has in many ways highlighted failures in some key things in my life right now. I don't think that has been a bad thing - I'm certainly very aware of the areas that are needing my attention in the coming days. But it is a tiring thing, and for me, a constant battle to balance the conviction from God that those things have carried, with the self-condemnation not from God that they have also stirred.

I received a phone call last night from a long time friend that may carry some interesting consequences as well. Perhaps some tiny chance at healing and forgiveness and reconciliation regarding a situation we were both part of at a home church we attended quite a number of years back. I pray there is healing and release for us as things play out, whether or not they also carry reconciliation.

I am attending a prayer conference tonight and all day tomorrow, and right now that is feeling like a colossal risk. I registered on a whim when it was mentioned one night at the church I've been sort of kind of attending for a while now. I knew of the speaker, had heard glowing recommendations of his work from some trusted friends, and felt the prompting to register. Right in this moment, that is scary to me. After this week I'm feeling the need to meet with Jesus deeply, and I believe this conference offers the potential for that. But I'm also afraid - afraid that he won't show up, afraid that he will.

If you're the praying type, I'd appreciate your prayers. This has been a very hard week. Not bad, but hard. Many things coming home deeply to me. And the need to find a way forward amidst that.