Saturday, October 03, 2009

I was wrong...

I need to say this here.

I screwed up yesterday.

In the midst of my frenzied thoughts about the parking situation at work, I stopped listening for God's voice, and started listening to the voice of my fears.

I ignored the prompting to have a conversation with my boss and express my concerns, and listened instead to the voice that said I must have lost my mind, since I was clearly the only person who was at all disturbed by the situation.

I let the passive aggressive, defeatist behaviors that drive me crazy infect me, and I listened to the voice that said "why bother expressing your concerns - it's not like strong moral decisions are ever made around here anyway."

The truth is that it doesn't matter if nothing changes. And it doesn't matter that the tendency towards morality hasn't exactly been strong lately. None of those things are reasons for me to have not obeyed the inner prompting to speak up.

I was wrong.

I was wrong to show up here and gripe about the situation without any intent of addressing it in the manner I should have.

I was wrong to ask blog readers and others to affirm something Jesus had already told me was right, and for that I want to apologize.

I was wrong to let the lack of agreement with my position convince me that I really had lost my mind this time, and to ignore the reminders that sometimes (or often I suppose) the place Jesus invites us to is the less than popular one, the one that leads to persecution. (Not that I expected persecution, just indifference mostly.)

I spent part of the morning walking in my park, in the first snowfall of the season, confessing that to Jesus, and asking for his forgiveness. It's a lovely thing that he offers grace, that our sins are forgotten.

I'm tired now, and sad. Sad at my own failings, and sad that I was so easily shifted from what I knew to be right. Yes, I know I'm forgiven, and yes, I'll forgive myself, but at this moment I remain saddened by the reminder that this has been a pattern at times in my life.

So, I'm seeking to choose differently.

On Monday, I'll speak with my boss, and perhaps take one other step that I'm still considering and praying about.

I've removed a couple of links from other places to the two posts from yesterday, a few incredibly passive aggressive methods of catching the attention of certain people. I may yet remove the posts themselves, though I'm still praying through and considering that option.

And I'm determined that this will not steal a desperately needed weekend of rest and peace. That I will not spend the next two days obsessing about a conversation on Monday that will undoubtedly be challenging for me to follow through with. That I will not spend this entire weekend cursing my failings. That I will somehow quiet the voices that in this moment are strong, and reminding me of each and every failure, and some that perhaps weren't failures. That I will ask Jesus to show me how he sees those moments, and that mostly, I will ask Jesus to draw near and hold me, like a papa cradling a cherished daughter.

Because I've forgotten about that this week, and that too was something I confessed this morning. I became caught in the pull of a number of different deep places, in the wake of moments of prayer and intercession and various journeys. And I failed to balance my own need to seek Jesus first with the demands of those other things on my time and energy. And I have paid dearly for that again this week as well.

So, I'll find ways to rest. To restore my flagging spirits, my spent energy, and I'll spend time with Jesus. Because that's really all I know to do in this space.