Thursday, October 01, 2009

Testing the lesson from Stan (Can I have more of you?)

This has been a trying week.

I'm feeling stressed on a number of fronts, but mostly the work front.

It's been a week of out of control tensions, whispered conversations, frustrated moments, reminding myself that those are "inside thoughts", and generally just barely making it through to the end of each day.

I'm needing to remind myself that there are other factors playing into this week. That I normally rest well on the weekends, giving me energy to get through another week, and that last weekend I didn't sleep nearly at all, and had very strenuous days as well. That I've been feeling unwell all week, and that that never helps my mood or energy level or ability to cope.

It's been a week of testing my commitment to the lesson I learned via Stan in August. The lesson about not postponing joy. And, I'll readily admit that a lot of that testing has been a failure. That I've spent most of the week longing for the end of the work day to arrive, so that I could head home, and not much of the week looking for the moments of joy in the midst of the challenging work days I've faced.

And yet, my heart is different than it used to be.

The song lyrics that stick in my head are often very telling of my heartspace. In this case, instead of the total overwhelming feeling that is engulfing most of my days this week, in the brief moment this morning when I managed to get quiet and still, I was surprised to discover that the refrain playing through my head was from a Kim Walker song, a simple cry "Can I have more of you?"

That, is a change.

Because generally I would blame a crazy week like this, the combination of the wild emotional and spiritual atmosphere at my office, the sleepless nights, and the resulting exhaustion firmly on God, and be in more of a "Stay away from me" headspace, than an headspace inviting more of Jesus.

And yet, that shift excites me. Because it speaks of changing attitudes. Of positive results from the sometimes exhausting commitment to change long ingrained patterns of thought and action into something that is more focused on joy.

You can hear the entire song that's playing in my head here.

In the meantime, let me leave you with these lyrics, and the challenge to not postpone joy until later, no matter how trying the circumstances.

Because you are good, beyond measure
And my heart longs to give you pleasure
You fulfill all my longings
And all my life I will sing:

God I love you and all you do
your joy lives inside and does me good
Can I have more of you?