Daily 5 - Day 231

Today's Daily 5:

1. An apologetic enmax employee on the phone - still didn't resolve the issues that have been going on for nine months, but at least she felt bad for how they had been handling the situation and was polite to me instead of rude like several of their employees have been.
2. Health treatment tonight (hoping it helps me sleep tonight too)
3. Chocolate
4. Laughing at a bad joke this morning.  (What do you call eight rabbits walking backwards in a row?  A receding hareline!)
5. Tray baked pork chops and roasted vegetables with apple for dinner tonight at Mom and Dad's

Morning Mood

With so little sleep, my already, less than a morning person nature is really getting a chance to shine.

I'm spending a good deal of time each morning reminding myself that those are "inside thoughts, Lisa.  Inside thoughts."

Sometimes it works, sometimes not so much.

I'm so tired that I fell asleep briefly on the bus yesterday afternoon.  That's pretty much unheard of - me sleeping in a public place.

I have a natural health treatment tonight.  Though I doubt he can do a lot about the nightmares, I'm hoping he can help at least a little with the sleep.

In the meantime, I'm working on my morning mood.  It ain't such a pretty thing!

Daily 5 - Day 230

Today's Daily 5:

1. 230 days of making these lists
2. Started the newest book by Sara Miles on the bus ride home tonight
3. Took the bus home again - so nice to have that quiet space.  Tonight I read, and dozed, and listened to an audio book for a while.
4. Updated my budget - love that this is still working so well for me.  And love seeing the results as my debt slowly decreases and my savings slowly grow.
5. Got a phone call from my bank checking on if I had any questions about my accounts - that was great, because I did have a question about my line of credit but definitely haven't been able to find time to call them
6. Productive day at work
7. Got through several "to do's" at home tonight as well
8. Made some tentative Easter weekend plans with my family
9. Have been denying myself chocolate all evening, and promising myself a piece as a treat before bed - totally anticipating that.
10. Think I'll actually be in bed kind of early tonight.  Hopefully that'll give me a better chance at actually getting a bit of rest.

Linking to Some Good Stuff

Check out these posts today:

Donald Miller's piece on how the greatest impact you may have can come from your pain.

Susan wrote a lovely piece "Life and Lifelessness" that rang true for me on so many levels as I ponder my own life.

Slightly Manic

I'm feeling slightly frenzied today.

It's probably partially the result of a continuing struggle to sleep.  One good night on the weekend just doesn't cut it when it comes in the middle of something like ten mostly sleepless nights.

Six working days until the conference, and some of the details are coming together in an even more last minute fashion than usual.

Seems like a gazillion details are left to complete, and I'm feeling the pressure of actually being in charge of them this year.

And I'm sort of manically planning my evening, too.

I'm going to take the long bus home again, I think, and cook a quick supper - pasta with marinara sauce.

Then a bunch of little things - budget update (finally - been waiting to get paid, and it will feel good to be on top of that agan), some writing, some various tasks around my space and the internet.

And with that, I'm off to tackle the long list I made for the day.  I'm determined to conquer most of it before leaving the office at the end of the day.

Daily 5 - Day 229

Today's Daily 5:

1. Full moon tonight.
2. Holy Week
3. Took the long way home on the bus tonight, got some much needed quiet and space for reflection.  Thinking I might try it again tomorrow.
4. The quiet space left me free to actually accomplish things when I got home - I love the feeling of checking things off of a list
5. Figuring out how to slice piping hot pizza when the knife options are limited to a dull paring knife with a 2 inch blade or a serrated bread knife that I'm pretty sure is as old as the house (like maybe 40 years).  And being able to laugh at how ridiculous it seems is that a month ago I lived with a roommate in a well-equipped kitchen because we both loved to cook, and now I live in my grandma's house where pizza gets baked on odd pans because there's no pizza pan in sight, and it gets sliced with a dull 2 inch paring knife, because that's more functional than a decades old bread knife!
6. Finished (and wrote the review for) the book it's felt like I've been slogging through for a while now.
7. Anticipating starting to read a book I purchased a few months back.  Looking forward to starting this title, Jesus Freak by Sara Miles, particularly during Holy Week.
8. Trading a few emails with a dear friend
9. Wrote a snail mail card for another friend, ready for mailing tomorrow.  I love sending (and receiving for that matter) real mail.
10. Thinking about the story of Hagar, and the God who sees.  Something profound in that as I walk through some very uncertain moments right now.

Review: The Hole in Our Gospel by Richard Stearns

The Hole in Our Gospel is the story of Richard Stearns, formerly a CEO in corporate America, now president of World Vision USA.  Essentially he challenges the reader to consider the idea that a Christian faith without an emphasis on caring for the world’s poor, is not much of a faith at all.

I had high hopes for this book.  I care passionately about issues of poverty, but to be honest, the book fell flat.  There was nothing here that was new information for someone who’s taken the time to educate themselves on issues of poverty and social justice.  At times it felt a bit as if Stearns had taken it upon himself to preach the same set of tired facts, and I found myself wishing that the book has been more of the memoir of his transition from corporate CEO to president of World Vision, as the book jacket copy seemed to promise, and less of the sermon it turned out to be.  It’s usually stories that inspire me to action, not facts, and this book was light on stories and heavy on facts.  That said, it would be a good read for someone who had very little concept of the poverty crisis facing the world today.

Disclaimer:  This book was provided to me free, for review, by Thomas Nelson Publishers via their booksneeze.com program.

New Recipe Project: March #2

The second new recipe for March was Mediteranean Beef Pitas.

All the fixings, lettuce, parsley, lemon, hummus, tzatziki, feta, the beef, and pitas.

The beef.

My assembled pita.

Waves

Emotions seem to come in waves at the moment.

They came that way all weekend.

Anger.

Despair.

Compassion.

Hatred.

Worry.

I received some very unsettling news on Friday evening, and a clarification (sort of) of that news on Saturday.  News that will likely have a drastic impact on my life in coming days.  I can't share it yet, but will as it becomes more clear.

This morning I'm feeling a bit tossed around by the waves.

Last night there was deep compassion for some of those involved.

Today there is anger, that all of this can be happening in the first place.  That things have come to this.

And so, I pray and wait.

I try to let the more positive waves carry me, and push the dark and heavy ones far from me.

And even in this I choose.

And in these moments when I again really feel as if I'm sinking, I remember the quote from Kelle Hampton that I posted on the weekend, "Every time I begin to sink, I remind myself that I am a rockstar. And rockstars know that life is beautiful. Life has challenges. Life teaches you things. And life is all how you look at it." (Kelle Hampton)

I'm a rockstar.

I can do even this.

Daily 5 - Day 228

Today's Daily 5:

1. Zoo Trip.
2. Thankful for praying friends and encouragement from them.
3. Thankful for a dear friend who instinctively knew, upon reading an email, what most would not, just how very hard it was to open that part of my life to a number of people.  Her knowing that meant so much more than just hearing that she was praying for the situation the email discussed (though that is a very special thing to hear as well.)
4. A hamburger from one of my favorite fast food places for lunch
5. Picked up a new audio book at the library - excited about this one
6. Did a bit of walking in the (rather windy) spring day of Palm Sunday
7. Actually slept a bit last night, without nightmares
8. Within striking distance of actually finishing the book I've been sort of slogging through reading
9. Got some photos printed - a deal on 5x7 prints.  They turned out beautifully.
10. Doing some little, self-care things, like painting my toenails and using a facial masque for my skin.

Palm Sunday Zoo Trip

Because yesterday I managed to accomplish many of the things that have become my Sunday morning norms, I was able to sleep late today, and then head out for the zoo.  I hadn't been in a couple of months, and I'd been missing it.  It was great to spend some time just watching creation again.  Per usual, I spent most of my time in the African exhibits, finally getting to see the baby giraffe (it's hard to refer to something as a baby when it is taller than you are at birth), and visiting "my" gorillas.  I made a quick stop in South America as well, to get a giggle over the Giant Anteater too.  The full album is on facebook, here.  But these were a few of my favorites from the day.

Palm Sunday

This quote made me stop and think when I came across it this morning:

This day that they waved the palm branches, I'm thinking about living palms up. Position of body dictates position of heart. - Bob Goff

Daily 5 - Day 227

Today's Daily 5:

1. 2921 posts here over the last nearly 5 years
2. Reading Renee's Lenten Daily Grateful 5 lists on facebook each day.
3. Discovering that there are only about 80 pages left to read in a book I'm slogging through for the purposes of writing a review
4. Made the second new recipe for March tonight: Mediterranean Beef Pitas
5. Went to Palm Sunday mass
6. had a frank conversation with my parents regarding some stuff that affects my living situation.  Was grateful that they were open in answering my questions.
7. A hug from mom
8. Actually getting a bit of sleep last night
9. Slow, lazy morning, but also quite productive
10. Grandma being out of the house all day... so much less tense for me, and I got most of my usual Sunday tasks done, meaning that I think I can probably go to the zoo tomorrow.  It's been too long since I've visited "my" gorillas, and I still haven't seen the newest baby giraffe.
11. The "I am a rockstar" reminder I posted earlier, from Kelle's blog post tonight.

Enjoying the Small Things

I've linked to Kelle's blog a few times recently.

I liked this post today. 

Especially this line:  "Every time I begin to sink, I remind myself that I am a rockstar. And rockstars know that life is beautiful. Life has challenges. Life teaches you things. And life is all how you look at it."  I needed to be reminded of that perspective tonight, when I'm feeling a bit like I'm sinking in the sense of being overwhelmed at all of the recent changes in my life, and how very hard they really are.  So, I'm going to remind myself tonight that I'm a rockstar, and I know life is beautiful!

The Call

I'm liking this song right now...

Particularly these lines:

Just because everything's changing doesn't mean it's never been this way before

and

But just because they can't feel it too doesn't mean you have to forget.

Those bits resonate today as I ponder some recently received information about my living situation. As I think about my journey of faith. And as I try to rest into a place of peace.

Daily 5 - Day 226

Today's Daily 5:

1. Jeans at work
2. Friday
3. ordered shoes online for the bridesmaid dress
4. have a friend who is willing to do my taxes for me
5. getting a tax refund this year (even if it does seem little after all those years of tuition carryforwards)
6. T's choir concert tonight was good
7. got my money back for the shoes that won't work
8. An almond joy bar - much needed solace after a long cry tonight
9. plans I think I'll enjoy for tomorrow
10. Nelly - my longest standing "friend" - a teddy bear that has been with me since birth, and gives great hugs on the really rough days.

Worth Checking Out

Donald Miller has been posting some great stuff lately.  Go to his blog, read today's post, and then scroll back and read a bunch from the last week or two.

Finally Friday

It's finally Friday.

There are only 7 hours left until the weekend officially starts for me.  And one of those hours is my lunch break.

I'm really tired this morning after what is now basically a full week of sleepless nights.  I have a headache, and I'm struggling not to be in a really grumpy mood.

So, here are some good things I'm trying to focus on:

• Last night at house church I spent probably an hour sitting next to and/or holding a very cute young man named Morgan.  Morgan is seven months old, with very blond hair that makes him look kind of bald, has huge cute eyes and an infectious smile.  He thinks I'm great because I always have something on my clothing that tastes good, and, as long as I know the clothing is clean, I'm pretty laid back about letting him chew on it.  Last night he thought that my velcro watch band was particularly tasty, but he also really liked the strings on my hoodie, my bracelet, and my glasses (didn't let him slobber on those, though!).
• I've had a bridesmaid shoe dillemma for the last couple of days that I've been sort of obsessing about.  So much so that the idea of shopping for shoes, which I usually LOVE, was seeming like an overwhelming chore.  I think I solved that problem today.  I ordered these, online.  Not only do they fit all the criteria I needed (patent shiny leather, low heel, closed toe), they also fit my personal criteria (not too pointy a toe, something I might actually wear again, good price).  Got to clearance bargains, and right now I'm also loving the relief that comes from being fairly certain that I've solved this particular problem, or at least that I don't have to think about it until these arrive and I can see if they work.
• I'm wearing jeans at work.
• I'm going to my brother's final spring choir concert tonight (this is his last year in choir.)
• I will have the house to myself all day tomorrow, and I've got plans to attack the last of the unpacking and organizing.

Ok.  I'm going to try and focus on those things.

And with that, I'm off to tackle another crazy day at work.

Daily 5 - Day 225

Today's Daily 5:

1. Got through another very busy day at work, and was even complimented on how I've managed the crazyness of this week
2. Made it to house church tonight - it was good to be with friends
3. Got a few blog comments today from friends - always fun to get comments
4. There is only one day left before the weekend, and on Saturday Grandma is out of the house basically all day.  I'm really looking forward to that.
5. Enjoying the audio book I've been listening too this week, even if I can't quite manage to focus my full attention on it at times.

And on it goes

This week seems like the unending stream of crazy, and it's starting to wear on me.

Work has been nuts, and today is no exception.  The list of things to accomplish is huge.  And some of them are key - like, say, payroll.

I've now not slept in four nights either, thanks to disturbing dreams.

One night in particular I spent the whole night dreaming that there were Daddy-Long-Legs spiders crawling all over me, but particularly all over my face and arms.

I've definitely hit the wall of my ability to absorb and process without some down time, and my sleep is reflecting that.

At least it's very nearly the weekend.  This week in particular I'm really anticipating Saturday and Sunday.

Daily 5 - Day 224

Today's Daily 5:

1. Having someone play with my hair for a lengthy period of time tonight.  I love that feeling.  (We were doing practice hair for the wedding, so the girl who is going to do all of our hair was practicing on mine tonight.)
2. Chinese food for supper
3. Bought a really cute pair of brown kitten heels
4. Had fun shopping for wedding shoes, though they're turning out to be a bit harder to find than I thought they would
5. Wednesday is over.  Only two days until the weekend.

Go and do likewise...

I haven't had time to read this book yet, but I got the following quote in an email and loved it:

Jesus is real, and so, praise God, are we. Every single thing the resurrected Jesus does on earth he does through our bodies. You're fed, you're healed, you're forgiven, you're pronounced clean. You are loved ... Go and do likewise.


- Sarah Miles, from her book Jesus Freak

Train Thoughts

I kind of feel like whining this morning.  Complaining about the fact that my neck and shoulders and back ache, that I woke up with a headache, AGAIN, and that sleep has been, umm, disturbed for the last several nights.  (The night before last I dreamt there were daddy-long-legs spiders crawling all over me.  Really pleasant as dreams go.  Really.)

Instead of whining, (or at least whining extensively!) let me tell you about something that happened on the train this morning. 

When you take the bus and train at exactly the same time every day, you begin to recognize people.  There is the scowling lady on the bus, and the lady who limps whose face seems shaped into a permanent sneer, accentuated by bright red lipstick, the young guy in the baseball cap who looks like he's mean, but always gives up his seat for the sneering, limping lady.

There is a guy I've noticed on the train several mornings too, often sitting in the empty bench seat across from him.  He seems to be of middle eastern descent, and mostly he stood out for his odd behaviours, seeming to be mentally ill, sometimes rocking forward and back with his eyes closed, covering his face with his hands, his lips forming words without sounds.

I sat across from him this morning, too.

Only today it was different.  Today for some reason, it became clear. 

What looked like mental illness was prayer.  He is very likely Muslim, and the change came over him as we turned the corner out of downtown.  As soon as the train began to travel East, the rocking and moving lips began.  A ritual that I've seen repeated several days now.  We take the train just as the sun is beginning to rise, and it made sense in some tiny moment this morning that he would say his morning prayers, facing east, as he travelled to whatever his destination is.

It made a difference, somehow, to see prayers instead of mental illness.  Mental illness is not really frightening to me, but leaves me watchful.  I've had some eventful encounters on the train with mentally ill people, and I watch carefully if that seems to be what I'm encountering, carefully judging if my safety is at risk.

This morning it was different.  I sat quietly as I always do, but today I wanted to honor his prayers and devotion.  And as he prayed, I prayed for him, quietly, too.  That the man Jesus, who people of his faith know as a prophet would come to him, and reveal himself as Saviour.

It was an odd deep space, to sit there and pray for this person with whom I've never exchanged conversation, and likely never will, given that his prayer time comes in the brief moments we travel together some mornings.

An experience that I'll ponder and hold within myself as the day goes on.  Praying blessings over this man who expresses devotion publicly, praying silently but physically on the train each morning.

Daily 5 - Day 223

I feel a bit like I'm grasping to find words this week.  A bit like I'm living with feet in two different worlds, and that I'm not particularly functional in either.  In any case, it's somewhat grounding to show up here each night and make a daily 5 list.  To remind myself that however much I'm feeling overwhelmed as I try to process the things going on inside of me, the things external to me, the tough challenges some that are dear to me are facing right now,  and as I work to reintegrate my worlds again, that I can be grateful.

So, here's today's daily 5:

1. 2910 posts here.  How crazy is it to think that over the last quite a few years, I've shown up here 2910 times with something to say or to share?
2. Hanging out with my friend A. tonight
3. Cheap pasta night at Chianti's.  Thanks to lots of hot, fresh bread, served with a plate of olive oil and balsamic vinegar for dipping, my single order of pasta, costing me about $10 including tip, was a satisfying supper, and will feed me for lunch tomorrow as well.
4. Went through some stuff that has moved with me through all of the moves I've made the last several years.  Pared WAY down.
5. Water.  For swimming, showering, drinking, sitting by.  Love water.

Treasures from Henri

Amidst the busyness of the last few weeks, a few more treasures from Henri Nouwen have collected in my inbox, just waiting to be shared.

An Honest Being-With


Being with a friend in great pain is not easy. It makes us uncomfortable. We do not know what to do or what to say, and we worry about how to respond to what we hear. Our temptation is to say things that come more out of our own fear than out of our care for the person in pain. Sometimes we say things like "Well, you're doing a lot better than yesterday," or "You will soon be your old self again," or "I'm sure you will get over this." But often we know that what we're saying is not true, and our friends know it too.

We do not have to play games with each other. We can simply say: "I am your friend, I am happy to be with you." We can say that in words or with touch or with loving silence. Sometimes it is good to say: "You don't have to talk. Just close your eyes. I am here with you, thinking of you, praying for you, loving you."

The Virtue of Flexibility


Trees look strong compared with the wild reeds in the field. But when the storm comes the trees are uprooted, whereas the wild reeds, while moved back and forth by the wind, remain rooted and are standing up again when the storm has calmed down.

Flexibility is a great virtue. When we cling to our own positions and are not willing to let our hearts be moved back and forth a little by the ideas or actions of others, we may easily be broken. Being like wild reeds does not mean being wishy-washy. It means moving a little with the winds of the time while remaining solidly anchored in the ground. A humorless, intense, opinionated rigidity about current issues might cause these issues to break our spirits and make us bitter people. Let's be flexible while being deeply rooted.

Not Breaking the Bruised Reeds


Some of us tend to do away with things that are slightly damaged. Instead of repairing them we say: "Well, I don't have time to fix it, I might as well throw it in the garbage can and buy a new one." Often we also treat people this way. We say: "Well, he has a problem with drinking; well, she is quite depressed; well, they have mismanaged their business...we'd better not take the risk of working with them." When we dismiss people out of hand because of their apparent woundedness, we stunt their lives by ignoring their gifts, which are often buried in their wounds.

We all are bruised reeds, whether our bruises are visible or not. The compassionate life is the life in which we believe that strength is hidden in weakness and that true community is a fellowship of the weak.

Claiming the Sacredness of Our Being


Are we friends with ourselves? Do we love who we are? These are important questions because we cannot develop good friendships with others unless we have befriended ourselves.

How then do we befriend ourselves? We have to start by acknowledging the truth of ourselves. We are beautiful but also limited, rich but also poor, generous but also worried about our security. Yet beyond all that we are people with souls, sparks of the divine. To acknowledge the truth of ourselves is to claim the sacredness of our being, without fully understanding it. Our deepest being escapes our own mental or emotional grasp. But when we trust that our souls are embraced by a loving God, we can befriend ourselves and reach out to others in loving relationships.

Sharing Our Solitude


A friend is more than a therapist or a confessor, even though a friend can sometimes heal us and offer us God's forgiveness.

A friend is that other person with whom we can share our solitude, our silence, and our prayer. A friend is that other person with whom we can look at a tree and say, "Isn't that beautiful," or sit on the beach and silently watch the sun disappear under the horizon. With a friend we don't have to say or do something special. With a friend we can be still and know that God is there with both of us.

Scribbled Circles Test

I thought that the results of this one were fairly accurate, actually.

You Are Consistent

Of all the types, you are the most disciplined and the most ethical. You have high ideals. You thrive when you are able to be an advocate for causes that you believe in. Some people may say that you are a bit stubborn and inflexible, but you're more tolerant than they realize. You do your best to live a principled and just life - which can make you a bit tense and critical at times.

The Scribble Circle Test

The First Rule of Blogthings Is: You Don't Talk About Blogthings

Catch-Up

It's only Tuesday morning and this week is overwhelming me already.

Work was nuts yesterday with the receptionist out of the office.  In between answering the phones (which picked yesterday to ring off the hook), I was frantically trying to make calls to people who are notoriously hard to reach to schedule two last minute conference calls.  I managed to handle both, but that's about all that got done yesterday.

After work I unexpectedly had the opportunity to head to mom and dad's for dinner and a treatment from mom.  So much for the "to do" list for last night.

I'm playing catch-up already.

This morning at work is for catching up if at all possible on the "it just didn't happen" tasks from yesterday.

As for the personal "to do" list, well, I'm out every night for the rest of the week, so most of that will probably have to wait for Saturday.

Daily 5 - Day 222

Today's Daily 5:

1. 222 days of this.  Mostly just because 222 is a fun number.
2. Got a treatment at Mom's tonight.  It helped my aching neck and shoulders.
3. Actually finished a chapter in the book I'm reading for review.  (It's like the never-ending book, so I'm pleased when I finish a chapter.)
4. Bought groceries for the week and carted them home via transit (and via a stop at Mom and Dad's).  Found everything I needed, got great service from a clerk in the vegetable department, and managed to fit it all in my backpack for the train trip to Mom and Dad's.
5. Supper at Mom and Dad's - handmade BBQ'd bratwurst (in buns) from the tiny German butcher shop in the town Mom grew up in, and roasted vegetables.
6. The feeling of a hot shower at the end of a kind of rough day
7. Checked my aeroplan miles tonight.  I have with 100 miles of enough for a trip either East or West later this year, depending on which destination I decide that I prefer.  This is a totally exciting prospect to me - free (or almost anyway) flights!
8. Still loving Anis Mojgani's "Shake the Dust"
9. Got caught up again on The Amazing Race tonight.  My favorites are still the cowboys, but I'm liking the police detectives too.
10. Mom had a blow dryer, with a diffuser to lend me for a bit.  This is fantastic news since basement living in the (very) early spring has made it a bit less of an option to let my hair air dry, and because my blow dryer quite literally sparked and nearly blew up while I was using it last night.  At least with a borrowed option, I don't have to rush out to buy one, and can wait until my next pay cheque.  I was thankful, too, that when sparks quite literally flew last night, neither my hair, nor the carpet was even singed.

Wavin' Flag

I was thinking about Haiti again tonight, and came across this video that a friend had posted on facebook.  A number of young Canadian recording artists came together and recorded K'naan's "Wavin' Flag" with the proceeds going to relief work in Haiti.  I'd already heard the song, but I enjoyed seeing the video, and the reminder that life goes on in Haiti, that the work of rebuilding and recovering is really only just beginning in these moments when Haiti no longer makes the news.

Held for Questioning

Had to laugh a little at today's cartoon at nakedpastor.  Mostly because I remember having that feeling.  Like I was anathema to the church because I asked questions.

New Recipe Project: Update

One of my goals for this year was to cook at least two new recipes a month.

These are the latest results:

The second recipe of the month for February was Chocolate Chip Pecan Blondies

The first recipe for the month of March was Arroz con Pollo with Apple

I'm still really pleased with this goal.  The food I've made so far has all been quite tasty, and I'm getting the chance to expand my recipe repertoire and my cooking skills.  Plus, I'm having the chance to feed lots of other people.

After I moved into Grandma's and cooking became a bit more of a challenge, I was wondering if this goal would have to die only two months in.  Instead, I got a little bit creative, phoned my mom, and asked if she'd be interested in me cooking dinner at their place twice a month.  Since both of my parents work from home and tend to be fairly busy, and mom has never particularly loved to cook (though let me add that she is a good cook) she jumped at the opportunity, and even volunteered to buy the groceries since I'll be feeding any number of extra people.  Her only stipulation was that she wanted to invite my brothers and their girlfriends to come for the meals from time to time.  In any case, cooking at mom and dad's is how I'll likely be finishing out the new recipe challenge for the year.

Back in the Office

It's Monday morning, and I'm back in the office.

I'm wishing I could be curled up someplace warm, instead, near a fireplace, and spend the day writing and processing.  There's a lot shifting within me, and I'm wishing I had the time to really entertain that, to sit with it and honor it.  But this week is the busiest one on my schedule in probably the last year.

I forgot that our receptionist has the day off today, so I'm doing double duty.  My job and hers. 

And it's Monday morning, and all the calls that were stored up over the weekend are coming in.

If I can steal a few moments to write, I will.

I'll sit quietly on the bus tonight.  I'm taking two buses to get home tonight - it'll take a long time, really, but I wanted to give myself that time and space.  I needed to grocery shop after work, and there is a bus stop just outside the grocery store.  So I'll sit and listen and read as I take the bus for a few hours to get home.

In the meantime, I was just tasked to make a large number of phone calls, trying to track down people who are elusive at best, and get them to commit to two conference calls within the next week.  This, in addition to answering the phones all day, and my general duties.

It'll be an interesting day, it seems.

Daily 5 - Day 221

Today's Daily 5:

1. A Sunday evening at home, and Grandma was out!  So great to just relax and enjoy the quiet and move about the house freely.
2. Leftover Sweet Chili Chicken for supper
3. Took a longish walk this afternoon in the sun, to do an errand or two
4. Had a really productive day, with lots of time to think.
5. trying to think and choose differently again.  Not easy, but hopefully worth it.
6. freshly painted fingernails and toenails
7. Loving the smell of freshly washed sheets
8. took a long (for me anyway), refreshing shower tonight while Grandma was out.  Able to do it without wondering if she was sitting on her perch in the living room, timing how long I was in there, and feeling guilty and rushing.  
9. Caught up on some stuff that I was WAY behind on.
10. Lighted candles scattered around my room.

You'll Need Tissues

Not so long ago I posted a link to Kelle Hampton's blog, "Enjoying the Small Things"

I'd fallen in love with the stories she was telling, and it was clear that she'd only recently and unexpectedly given birth to a baby girl with Down's Syndrome.  But I'd never had time to go back and read the back story, the story of beautiful Nella's birth. 

Until today, when Donald Miller posted Kelle's post about Nella's birth on his blog.

You will, as Donald warns, need tissues as you read this beautiful story.

I've been so challenged as I've been reading Kelle's blog, to continue to find life and joy and beauty, even in the midst of the hard stuff.

And it made me smile, somehow, to see that she too had read and been challenged by Miller's "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years."

I need to write more thoughts, sometime soon, on Miller's book.  I've been thinking about it a lot again lately, about what kind of story I'm telling with my life.  I was thinking about it again just this afternoon, as I was out walking, and how it inspired some of the things that are on my list of goals for this year.

More to come...

Sunday. First Day of Spring.

Sunday mornings are becoming habitual in this odd new life at Grandma's. 

I try to sleep late.  For me that means maybe 9:00.  It's slightly easier to do in the dark basement.

Then I lay quietly in bed, watching a movie or television on dvd, or maybe playing a game.  Waiting.

Once I know that's Grandma has left for church, I roll out of bed and start my own day.

I do the things that are just easier to do when she's not watching and critiquing.  Laundry - sheets and towels, and my clothes.  Taking out the garbage (on a week when my bedroom garbage can is full) and the recycling.  Breakfast.  On Sunday mornings I treat myself to something different than the granola bar or pastry I eat the rest of the week.  Usually that means frozen waffles, popped in the toaster, and then slathered with butter and maple syrup.

I love these Sunday mornings when the house is empty.  When I can stand in the kitchen waiting for my breakfast to cook without having to pay attention to Grandma's end of a mostly one way conversation, making sure I add a one or two word response in the right place. When I can move fairly freely around the house, enjoying space and quiet.

Today, though, I'm thinking about how I enjoy, too, the feeling of productivity.  Of marking things off of my list for the day or for the week.

Today is the first official day of Spring.

And I'm trying to think differently.

I spent a lot of time with various people in my life yesterday.  People I hadn't seen since the move.  People with whom I could be bluntly honest about the many challenges of life at Grandma's. 

But it didn't really make me feel better to share all the grumpy honesty, though I thought it would.  Mostly it just made me feel like crying, feel buried in the grossness of this situation that I just don't know how to adapt to.

And I'm thinking about spring, and new seasons this morning.

About the fact that 220 days ago I started making daily 5 lists in an effort to choose joy more consistently in my life.

About a sermon I listened to, the day I met Stan last summer.  The one that talked about postponing joy.

And I'm wondering if I've been doing that again?  If the looking forward to living elsewhere, the negative motivations ("well, at least I have lots of incentive to pay off my debt!") are not postponing joy in the moment?

There's a renewed thought in me that it's time to find the best in this again.  To choose viciously to be thankful that I have a place to live.  That this will help me pay down debt.  That there is a car coming my way just after Easter.  That I am healthy, and that I have friends who are providing time away from my odd new living situation.  That my health is now letting me be out more often.

A friend of mine sent me a notepad at Christmas.  Across the top in colorful letters is emblazoned the word "HOPE".  I pulled it out this morning and made my list for the day on it, and somehow, that word reminded me that I need to choose that hope and joy again.

I'm pretty sure it'll be one of the biggest challenges around.  But it's quite literally a new season today, and maybe I'm up for the challenge.  (Maybe I can start by choosing not to hate that I have this new challenge to face?)

And I'll start by having a day that balances productivity and necessary rest.  Because that, too, seems like a good place to start.

Daily 5 - Day 220

Today's Daily 5:

1. 220 days of showing up to make a list like this.
2. Pie Jesu performed at the classical voice recital of a friend that I attended tonight
3. Lunch and a movie with a friend I've known since 10th grade
4. Wore a purple scarf all day.  I'm starting to feel like wearing scarves again lately, and that's definitely a reassuring sign that someday I will feel like "me" again, that I'll adapt to these latest curve balls of life and be me - just a me with even more ability to cope and face tough stuff under my belt.
5. chocolate.

Full Weekend

I'm spending a portion of today with a long time friend, a portion of the day with my family, and a portion of the day at a music recital.

I looked at my calendar for the next month or so last night and was a bit shocked at how full it is.

I'm not sure how that will work.  I still don't have a lot of energy.

But the things on the calendar are things that I want to have there.

So, I'll figure it out as I go, trying to enjoy the time with friends and family, take in the teaching from church and conferences that I'm scheduled to attend, and work to create the space for rest as it's necessary.

Daily 5 - Day 219

Today's Daily 5:

1. Safe driving - 6 hours of it on my own - to and from my meeting
2. The meeting was really great - I love the girl who is my counterpart at the hotel, and it'll be great to work closely with her in the next few weeks to pull this thing off.
3. Mom picked me up from the rental car place, so I didn't have to haul my meeting stuff through a half hour walk, and then an hour on the train.
4. Evening with L., her baby sister in from out of town to visit, and her maid of honor, talking bridesmaidy stuff.  I really wasn't sure what to expect, especially after a long and very tiring day, but it was lots of fun to laugh with them tonight.
5. Something so great about just collapsing into your own comfortable bed after a very long day.  I've been laying here so comfortably, just catching up on all the blogs I follow, and tonight it feels so good to do that.

Quiet Here

By the time this post goes live, I'll be behind the wheel of a rental car, making the drive to Edmonton for a meeting.  That's how I'm spending my Friday.  3 hours of driving, a lunch meeting, a tour of the conference facility we're using, and then three hours of driving home.

Pray for me if you're so inclined.  Driving like that makes me nervous at the best of times, and given that I've hardly driven at all in the nearly two months since my accident, 6 hours of driving on my own is a bit nerve wracking. 

It'll be quieter than usual here today.  This is the only post I had time to schedule.  Look for the regular daily 5, sometime late tonight.  (It will be late since after I get back to the city, I have a bridesmaid committment to attend to!)

Daily 5 - Day 218

Today's Daily 5:

1. Last day in the office for this week since I have meetings in another city tomorrow.
2. Got a sweet rental car to drive to and from Edmonton for the day
3. Really nervous about all that driving, but thrilled that I'm getting paid to listen to audio books or scripture or sermons or music for six hours tomorrow.
4. egg rolls for supper (simple pleasures)
5. made a trip to the library and picked up a whole variety of new audio books.  can't wait to listen to a few over the next weeks.

Great Quote on Anxiety

"Anxiety is nothing but repeatedly re-experiencing failure in advance.  What a waste." 

Found as the major portion of a brief post at Seth Godin's blog this morning.

Sort of an interesting thought, given the night I spent, snapping awake anxious, and then relaxing.  Sort of an interesting thought anyway, for someone who struggles deeply with anxiety. 

Dan Barber: How I fell in love with a fish

My current love for food and cooking is well documented (actually, you can expect an update sometime soonish on the progress on the new recipes goal for this year.)

I actually don't eat fish or seafood, but I loved this video from TED.


Dan Barber: How I fell in love with a fish | Video on TED.com

Shouldn't I feel better?

I slept last night.  Sort of, anyway.  None of the crazy dreams, or weird horrifically dark "encounters" of the previous couple of nights.  The things that had made me terrified to turn out the lights in my bedroom last night (I contemplated a nightlight for the first time in 15 years, and did end up leaving my laptop screen on, instead of turned off the way I normally have it.)

So shouldn't I feel better this morning?

Because I don't.  I'm still exhausted and edgy.

It seems funny, because each time I woke in the night all I felt was relief.  There was nothing stirring in my bedroom.  Sort of that deep sigh that comes from the relief of waking on edge, and then realizing you can actually breathe a little.

Though, I suppose, given the fact that I woke on edge each time, there was likely adrenaline coursing through my body even as I slept, and coursing adrenaline probably doesn't do a whole lot for actual rest.

The relief, remains this morning.  Last night I simply did not feel up to fighting the battle of the previous few nights, and I was relieved to find in those moments I woke that it didn't seem to need to be fought.

But here's the thing that's niggling - it comes down to trust for me.

I felt God's peace descend a bit as I was getting ready to turn out the lights last night.  As I sat propped in bed and quietly read Psalm 91 aloud.  And the overarching promise of my life, the one that I want to have tattooed in visual form on my back, is a verse from Genesis 15, where God speaks to Abram and says this, "Do not be afraid, Abram.  I am your shield, your very great reward."  I'm one of those people who believes that God speaks, and I believe he spoke those words over my life in the midst of a very challenging season a number of years back, "I am your shield."  I believe that, but I have a hard time trusting it.  And I failed at trusting last night.  I knew that peace, and yet couldn't accept it, rest into it, trust it.  And this morning, because I couldn't trust and rest in that, I'm paying the price for a night that held more sleep than usual for me - a night that could have been restful and restorative, but was instead filled with the surge and crash of adrenaline as I'd wake on edge and then realize I was still safe, and could rest.

I should feel better this morning, but I don't particularly.

I'm left pondering lessons in trust still to be learned.  It's been a theme for these last two and a half very hard years, and apparently it will continue to be a theme for a while.

And as I wonder what to pray, as I confess my lack of trust, I'm reminded again of the father of the demon possessed boy, and the plea he cried out to Jesus, and today I pray that with him, "Lord, I believe.  Help my unbelief."

Daily 5 - Day 217

This was sort of a harder day, mostly because of the really rough night last night.  The sort of day when I need to make even more of an effort to find happy things.  The things I'm thankful for or the things that make me smile.

Today's Daily 5:

1. Thankful for a few valued friends who I know will pray if I email and ask.  Who I know pray anyway, but are definitely willing when there is something specific.
2. Thankful for the insulated mug, especially designed for loose tea that I used for the first time tonight.  A parting gift from L., and one I will enjoy.
3. Lemon Mango fruit infusion loose tea
4. Carrying light to dark corners
5. A lit candle flickering on my dresser
6. Made it through the day - after the rough night last night, there were points of the day where I wasn't certain I would make it, at least without loosing it, but I did.  And that was a simple blessing.
7. Listening to and enjoying an audio book the whole way home.  I'm still finding it hard to read in the traditional way for any length of time (working on gaining that attention span and concentration lost to the health struggles back)  But I'm loving the use of audio books, because listening I can do, and I have an hour or more each day, coming home via public transit, that I can devote to listening.  And I'm loving the way it's causing my brain to kick in again.  To analyze, anticipate, and engage with the stories.  To examine their effect on me and my own thoughts and beliefs.  To broaden my knowledge.
8. TED videos - I'm loving these for the same reason as audio books right now.  Mostly, I play them in the background while I'm working, but by listening, I can expose myself to a whole variety of fascinating thinkers and ideas.  It feels good to be challenged in that way again, to feel an appetite for knowledge and engagement with the world returning to me (though perhaps tempered by the experiences of the last few years.)
9. A brief phone conversation, and laughing with my mom tonight
10. Still really enamored by just having cooked well the other night - had the last of that food for dinner tonight, and it was so tasty all over again.  And, my body is thanking me for healthier food choices these last few days.
11. (Bonus!) Green grapes

St. Patrick

It's kind of a tradition for me to post St. Patrick's Breastplate Prayer every year on St. Patrick's Day, and this year it's a prayer I feel I especially need, given the night that I had.  It's comforting in some deep ways.

But first, a "bad joke" that I found this morning:

What do you call a fake stone in Ireland?
A sham rock!

Okay, well, it made me laugh, and today, that counts for something!

So, St. Patrick's Breastplate Prayer:

I bind to myself today

The strong virtue of the Invocation of the Trinity:
I believe the Trinity in the Unity
The Creator of the Universe.

I bind to myself today
The virtue of the Incarnation of Christ with His Baptism,
The virtue of His crucifixion with His burial,
The virtue of His Resurrection with His Ascension,
The virtue of His coming on the Judgement Day.

I bind to myself today
The virtue of the love of seraphim,
In the obedience of angels,
In the hope of resurrection unto reward,
In prayers of Patriarchs,
In predictions of Prophets,
In preaching of Apostles,
In faith of Confessors,
In purity of holy Virgins,
In deeds of righteous men.

I bind to myself today
The power of Heaven,
The light of the sun,
The brightness of the moon,
The splendour of fire,
The flashing of lightning,
The swiftness of wind,
The depth of sea,
The stability of earth,
The compactness of rocks.

I bind to myself today
God's Power to guide me,
God's Might to uphold me,
God's Wisdom to teach me,
God's Eye to watch over me,
God's Ear to hear me,
God's Word to give me speech,
God's Hand to guide me,
God's Way to lie before me,
God's Shield to shelter me,
God's Host to secure me,
Against the snares of demons,
Against the seductions of vices,
Against the lusts of nature,
Against everyone who meditates injury to me,
Whether far or near,
Whether few or with many.

I invoke today all these virtues
Against every hostile merciless power
Which may assail my body and my soul,
Against the incantations of false prophets,
Against the black laws of heathenism,
Against the false laws of heresy,
Against the deceits of idolatry,
Against the spells of women, and smiths, and druids,
Against every knowledge that binds the soul of man.

Christ, protect me today
Against every poison, against burning,
Against drowning, against death-wound,
That I may receive abundant reward.

Christ with me, Christ before me,
Christ behind me, Christ within me,
Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ at my right, Christ at my left,
Christ in the fort,
Christ in the chariot seat,
Christ in the poop.

Christ in the heart of everyone who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks to me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in every ear that hears me.

I bind to myself today
The strong virtue of an invocation of the Trinity,
I believe the Trinity in the Unity
The Creator of the Universe.

Check These Out

Another spate of daily links:

• Anne Jackson's post "Instead Of".  I think I'm going to print her list of statements.  They strike me as a list that I would like to see developed in my own life as well.
• In some strange way, Seth Godin's post "Not for Me" struck me in conjunction with Anne Jackson's.  And in conjunction with some of the messes of daily life that I deal with due to work at "The Soap Opera".  Plus, I found the differentiation in thought between "not for me" and "not for anyone" to be quite striking and helpful.
• And finally, Haiti remains heavily on my heart.  The Livesay's posted this article from CBS news this morning, and I found it powerful and important to read as well.

Seriously?

It was a weirdly eventful night, thanks to dreams and other sensitivities again.  A fact that is more frustrating given that I made the effort to turn my lights out early in the hopes of catching up after several weeks of rough sleep.

I woke this morning and the first thought that passed through my head (well, maybe the second, after a groaning realization that it was, in fact, morning) was to revert to a long-term habit of quoting Meredith Grey, "Seriously? Seriously?"

A few hours later, that's still pretty much where I'm at. 

I woke with a headache, too, so I'm trying to fight that off, preferably without drugs if possible.

And I have a ton to do, but the weirdness of my last few nights keeps reaching for me, drawing me towards it. 

And all I can say is, "Seriously?"

Daily 5 - Day 216

Today's Daily 5:

1. CEO is out of town this week at work.  It's amazing how much less tension there is in the office when he's away.  And so much less posturing too.  It's almost peaceful, and that is definitely worth celebrating at the soap opera!
2. Had Indian food for dinner with Faye tonight.  Twas a good selection.  I liked a few, found the rest relatively edible.  I do have to say though, that while Indian food tastes and smells good, it's got to be one of the grosser looking cuisines out there.  Or at least the stuff on this buffet was.  Sort of universally brown sauces - quite unfortunate looking, though lovely to taste.  And I liked the fresh naan bread too.
3. Also walked around a park for a while with Faye, talking and catching up.  It was nice to enjoy the added daylight for a bit, while walking and laughing.
4. Grandma was actually out when I got home - which was great - because Faye needed to borrow something from me, and could come in without facing the interrogation, or me facing it later.  And it meant I had 20 blessed minutes to shower and relax and enjoy knowing I was ALONE before she got back.
5. Sounds so ridiculous, but I was just as happy about the food I cooked last night when I ate it again for lunch today.  It was so nice to be eating "real" food, home made, and healthy.  I felt better just thinking about it!

Another Good Read

I loved this post on Seth Godin's blog this morning:  Driveby Culture and the Endless Search for Wow

Sometimes it's the little things

I woke this morning from crazy, unsettling dreams.  The kind of waking that made me hesitant to glance at the clock, fearful that there would still be hours left in the night, fearful that there wouldn't be.  The themes varied crazily, but enough to make me pause and think, "Clearly I'm still working through this and that."

Sometimes it's the little things that make life doable.

The tiny bit of hope I found in actually cooking a proper meal in Grandma's kitchen last night.  I'd realized over the weekend that because I mostly avoid the upstairs, and the inevitable conversations that end in me biting my tongue on "I don't care" responses, I've been eating rather unhealthily.  Grabbing snacks and supplementing them for meals.  Take-out.  Frozen pizza.  Basically anything that I could get on a plate in less than ten minutes, making for a quick escape back down to the basement.  Last night I cooked.  Healthy food.  (My body thanked me.)  And Grandma mostly left me alone.  Yes, while the food was in the oven I still escaped - to the shower, and back to the basement, relying on my watch timer to let me know that the food needed to be checked on.  But it was mostly okay.  And somehow, that tiny bit of normalcy - real food, prepared by me, and then carrying my plate to sit in front of my laptop and catch up on a bit of television viewing, that tiny bit of normalcy carried hope.

There was a little bit of hope in taking the cardboard away, just for the evening, from the window in the corner of my basement world.  In the tiny bit of fading dusk peeking through a window not really positioned for allowing light in.

There is an odd little bit of hope in cradling a mug of passion tea this morning, and listing these seemingly little things, especially after a morning with weird dreams, and a cold commute in the dark.

Daily 5 - Day 215

Today's Daily 5:

1. Stopped on my way home at the natural food store that's near the train station and restocked vitamins and some great organic dried fruit and nuts that they sell.
2. Cooked a proper, nutritious dinner for the first time since moving into Grandma's.  I've been avoiding the kitchen because it's upstairs and definitely in "her domain".  My body was letting me know that this wasn't working, so tonight I cooked.  Italian chicken over couscous, with oven roasted asparagus, mushrooms and cashews, sprinkled with sea salt.  I think my whole body sighed in relief at the normalcy of eating a relatively balanced meal, while catching up on some online TV.  And, there's enough left that I can have it for lunch tomorrow, and then one more meal - likely supper on Wednesday.
3. Caught up on the latest episode of The Amazing Race online tonight.  The travel fanatic in me loves watching that show.
4. Grandma mostly just let me do my thing while I was cooking.  That was such a blessing.
5. I've managed lately to keep up on my Lenten readings - that hasn't been easy to remember in my fairly exhausted state, so it makes me happy to know that I've managed to be a bit more consistent with it this last week.

Good Stuff

I've been loving this blog lately - a relatively new addition to the list I'm hooked on:  Enjoying the Small Things

This post, shared with me by a friend on facebook was brilliant and striking:  I am Still a Pentecostal - An Honest Response

Monday Thoughts

It's Monday morning, and I am sitting in my office, wearing two of the three extra "outer" layers that I wear for the train and bus commute to and from the office.  It's freezing in here.

It's always cold in the morning, because the thermostat for my office is in the office next door, and he turns the heat off overnight.  Monday mornings are the worst, because the heat has been off for a few days in a row.

I'd turn it on, but there is a meeting in that office, and I can't interrupt at the moment.  And anyway, one of the people in the meeting next door overheats at the drop of a hat.  He's the bane of my coworker's existence, since she shares a thermostat with him, and when she turns the heat on, instead of coming to her when he gets to warm, goes and complains to our boss.

So I'll wait for an opportune moment to slide next door and turn up the heat.  And in the meantime I'll wear several layers.  Would it look unprofessional for me to put my toque back on?  Because really, it's my head that's the coldest part of me, and we lose the most heat through our heads, so maybe if I put my toque on, I'd be warm?

I listened to the end of one sermon and the beginning of another on the bus and train this morning.  The second sermon had a portion that made me giggle aloud.  I was thankful that the giggling portion came while I was making the solitary hike across a mall parking lot, empty at that time of day, and not while I was still on the bus or train.

We're having Chinook weather again.  That means that it will be warm, but in the meantime the winds are high, and not so warm yet.

And somehow in my head, the time change over the weekend had seemed to me to mean that it would be daylight instead of dawn when I left the house to catch the bus this morning.  Boy did I miscalculate that one.  It was dark.  All the streetlights still on, having a hard time negotiating across the blackness of the basement to the stairs and door dark.  I know, I know, it'll be light later into the evening now.  But I live in a basement, where natural light doesn't penetrate, so I was kind of hoping for that earlier morning light, for the light during that long first hour of the day that I'm outside.  Because light can make even the coldest and most exhausted mornings seem somehow just a little bit cheerier.  Instead, the last few streetlights just clicked off outside my office window, nearly a full two hours after I left the house.

So, I'm going to wrap my hands around a mug of hot tea, and remember to be grateful.  For daylight that is coming, and spring that is hinting.  For God working in changes, even the ones I really don't like.  And for indoor heating, even when I can't get to the thermostat to make it useful.

Daily 5 - Day 214

Today's Daily 5:

1. House Church gathering this afternoon
2. Cuddled a baby for quite a while during the gathering - kind of fun to cuddle him, feed him a bottle in the middle of worship.
3. Got a lot done this morning, including some more unpacking stuff, and all the laundry.
4. Clean sheets and pajamas for crawling into bed tonight.
5. Got a hug from a friend at the house church gathering
6. pizza for supper
7. chocolate and coconut
8. beautifully scented candles
9. Got through a very detailed budget update
10. heading for bed earlyish

The Journey

 Both Renee and Anne Jackson have posted this poem in recent days.  I'd never read it before, but it struck me deeply both times it appeared, and I wanted to share it here as well.

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice -
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations -
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice,
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do -
determined to save
the only life you could save.
*(Mary Oliver – Dream Work)

Lazy, Productive

Sunday mornings at Grandma's house are turning out to be both lazy and productive, especially these days when I don't have a car.

They start lazily, mostly because I tend to stay downstairs, in bed, until I know that Grandma's left for church.  It's easier to sleep a bit later than usually for me now that I'm living in the basement, too, since it's dark down here.

And then they get productive, because once she's left, I tend to dive into the necessary housekeeping tasks that I'd rather she not be looking over my shoulder while I accomplish them.  Things like my laundry, taking the garbage and recycling out, those sort of things.  The kind of things you perhaps do differently at age 80 than at 26.

Later this afternoon I'm attending a gathering of all of the house churches in the network that my house church is a part of.  There are speakers from Rwanda today. 

But in the meantime, I'm doing laundry, and taking the garbage out, and still working on unpacking the last few boxes.  The boxes that are left are ones that need to be sorted through, things eliminated, the rest likely stored.  That, and I need to put my scrapbooking supplies onto their shelves, and set up my table with a place to sit and work on those projects.

Daily 5 - Day 213

Today's Daily 5:

1. Had a much needed and very much anticipated (I'd had to reschedule it three times) massage today.  It was great!
2. peanut m&m's
3. time with my family
4. bought some food I buy normally, on sale, at the grocery store, but they were also bonus point items, meaning that on a sale where I would have normally earned 52 points (25 aeroplan miles), I earned 372 points.  I like anything that means aeroplan points and being closer to having enough for a free flight.
5. Got some reading done.

From Henri Again

A few more thoughts worth considering have collected in my email inbox from Henri Nouwen, so I thought I'd share again.

Freedom from Judging, Freedom for mercy


We spend an enormous amount of energy making up our minds about other people. Not a day goes by without somebody doing or saying something that evokes in us the need to form an opinion about him or her. We hear a lot, see a lot, and know a lot. The feeling that we have to sort it all out in our minds and make judgments about it can be quite oppressive.

The desert fathers said that judging others is a heavy burden, while being judged by others is a light one. Once we can let go of our need to judge others, we will experience an immense inner freedom. Once we are free from judging, we will be also free for mercy. Let's remember Jesus' words: "Do not judge, and you will not be judged" (Matthew 7:1).

Our Unique Call


So many terrible things happen every day that we start wondering whether the few things we do ourselves make any sense. When people are starving only a few thousand miles away, when wars are raging close to our borders, when countless people in our own cities have no homes to live in, our own activities look futile. Such considerations, however, can paralyse us and depress us.

Here the word call becomes important. We are not called to save the world, solve all problems, and help all people. But we each have our own unique call, in our families, in our work, in our world. We have to keep asking God to help us see clearly what our call is and to give us the strength to live out that call with trust. Then we will discover that our faithfulness to a small task is the most healing response to the illnesses of our time.

The Spirit of Jesus Listening in us


Listening in the spiritual life is much more than a psychological strategy to help others discover themselves. In the spiritual life the listener is not the ego, which would like to speak but is trained to restrain itself, but the Spirit of God within us. When we are baptised in the Spirit - that is, when we have received the Spirit of Jesus as the breath of God breathing within us - that Spirit creates in us a sacred space where the other can be received and listened to. The Spirit of Jesus prays in us and listens in us to all who come to us with their sufferings and pains.

When we dare to fully trust in the power of God's Spirit listening in us, we will see true healing occur.

Musings

Yesterday was one of the infamous "soap opera days" at my office.  This time it was mostly me caught in the melee, because of my particular position in the company, and my current role organizing our big upcoming annual conference.  There were tensions flying between two in management, both upset because of a variety of double standards, some moral, and some not so much.

My choice in handling it?  I did the little that was necessary in terms of speaking with the people involved, tried to remain steadfastly neutral, and spent the rest of the day in my office, working.  Buckled down, tackling the long list of remaining details for the conference that is now just under a month away.  Oh, and I sent a humorous email to L., off in Scotland at the moment, describing the events of the day.

I wish sometimes that I could share in this forum the details of some of these crazy situations I get caught in at work.  But I remain cognizant of the fact that it would be less than professional or discreet to do so.  And that sometimes my desire to rant about my job comes from a certain sense of self-righteousness.

It's days like yesterday when it really hits home that my roommate is now on another continent, and I can't come home in the evening and vent a little before setting aside the stuff of my day.  There are many good reasons that we dubbed my Christian place of employment "the soap opera" and on days when those reasons assert themselves, it's nice to have someone to talk to who has met the people, knows the history, and understands.

I wonder, sometimes, if my place of employment has colored my opinions on working with other Christians.

In any case, the events of the day made me incredibly glad when the weekend arrived.  Incredibly glad that one of the involved people will be out of the office for all of next week as well.

And I am sitting, propped in bed on a quiet Saturday morning, pondering the fact that I need to rise soon, shower, style my hair, grocery shop, and then make my way to a massage appointment that I've got scheduled.  The day holds various other plans as well - some time with my family, and hopefully the chance to watch my brother lead worship and sing in the choir at a local church service tonight.  That's the plan - a mostly quiet day.  A needed quiet and rest.

Daily 5 - Day 212

Today's Daily 5:

1. Jeans at work
2. Mostly hid in my office and got stuff done.  Moods were umm... unhappy around the office today thanks to another flare of soap opera drama, so I quietly mostly stuck to my office and was quite productive as a result of looking to avoid getting caught in the flaring tempers
3. Costco with Mom tonight - not my favorite place, but the one advantage of living with Grandma is freezer space, so I bought a few things I haven't eaten regularly since I moved out of Mom and Dad's house years back and didn't have freezer space anymore except for the mini fridge freezer
4. Dinner at Mom and Dad's - grilled pork loin
5. Caught up on Grey's again
6. Mom and Dad loaned me a car overnight, to let me do some errands in the morning and then make it to and from my massage appointment without needing 4 or 5 different buses
7. Started a new audio book that I'm also enjoying
8. It's the weekend!
9. peanut M&M's
10. A soft throw blanket wrapped around me in bed.

The Horse Boy

The day before yesterday I finished listening to an audio book that captured my attention fully for the week and a half or so of afternoon commutes that it took to work my way through it's contents.

The book?  "The Horse Boy: A Father's Quest to Heal His Son" by Rupert Isaacson.

The Chapters website offers this synopsis of the book: "When his son Rowan was diagnosed with autism, Rupert Isaacson was devastated, afraid he might never be able to communicate with  his child. But when Isaacson, a lifelong horseman, rode their neighbor''s horse with Rowan, Rowan improved immeasurably. He was struck with a crazy idea: why not take Rowan to Mongolia, the one place in the world where horses and shamanic healing intersected?


THE HORSE BOY is the dramatic and heartwarming story of that impossible adventure. In Mongolia, the family found undreamed of landscapes and people, unbearable setbacks, and advances beyond their wildest dreams. This is a deeply moving, truly one-of-a-kind story--of a family willing to go to the ends of the earth to help their son, and of a boy learning to connect with the world for the first time."
 
I found the book fascinating and just a bit disturbing.  Mental health, of course is a topic I have long been intrigued by, as is healing, and I love horses, though rarely do I get the chance to ride or be around them.  The idea of travel and pilgrimage is also close to my heart, and this book combined all of those elements.
 
However, I do admit that I find myself somewhat disturbed in my world-view, as one deeply sensitive to spiritual things, when I pause to consider the healing that Isaacson's son found as a result of the Shamanic ceremonies.  I've believed for a number of years now that healing is possible through an intervention of the supernatural, but had never really paused to consider healing as a result of spiritual forces that I, as a Christian, would consider to be "dark" or "evil."
 
There were times, too, over the course of listening to this book, that, given my great sensitivity to the spiritual realm, I seriously considered setting the book aside.  These moments came particularly during the descriptions of the various shamanic rituals.
 
I'm left struck again by the power of the spirit realm, and thinking about the ideas of evil masquerading as good.  The grey areas.
 
The book was compellingly written, and Isaacson reads well, with the added plus of a British accent tempered by years in other places. 
 
Wrapping up a review like this is the hardest part, especially when I am left with much to process, as in this case.  If I'm honest, I was most definitely rooting for Rowan to be healed, but I would have preferred other means than a series of shamanic rituals.  I sympathized with the struggles of Isaacson and his wife in parenting their severely autistic son.  And I was left with much to consider in terms of the impact of the spirit realm, and the grey areas the book stirred in the area of my thought on what is "good" and what is "evil".

News to No One

The results of this quiz will be news to no one who knows me, but they made me laugh a little, so I thought I'd share them anyway.

You Are a Thinker

You are a dreamer and an idealist. You are much more concerned with how things should be than how they actually are. You believe that what people do is much more important to what people say. You take careful notice of everyone's actions. You tend to be quite rational. You try to think with a clear head, and you don't like it when your emotions get the better of you. You confront challenges head on. You actually enjoy solving problems - even when they seem impossible.

What Kind of 'Er' Are You?

Blogthings: A Fine Line Between Insight and Stupidity

Brownies for Breakfast

I slept pretty well, for me anyway, so it was surprising in those moments upon waking when I realized that I had a very bad headache, and that every muscle in my neck and back that I'd injured in the car accident and fall down the stairs, after a week or two of seemingly benign behaviour, had tightened painfully.

Ibuprofen and a heat pack are the order of the day as I sit in my office today.

And because I was feeling just a little bit miserable, I had brownies for breakfast.  With a cup of pomegranate green tea.  Because caffeine is supposed to be good for the headache, and chocolate eases most woes in life.

And with that, I have much to tackle today - hoping to have a day that is productive like yesterday, but demonstrably with checkmarks on my to do lists.

Daily 5 - Day 211

Today's Daily 5:

1. iphone shopping!  Just debating contracts and plans and providers.  But will definitel become the owner of one sometime in the next year (pending a contract that doesn't expire for 7 months yet if I decide I do indeed want to change providers.)
2. It was house church night.  And the night once a month where we all contribute and have a meal together.  There was so much food.  And it was GOOD!
3. Got a hug, too, from a girl there.  I'll have to tell her sometime how much I appreciate those hugs goodbye once a week as I head out the door.  With so many of the friends from whom I collect hugs far away, and being one who appreciates touch, it means a lot to get that hug every week or two.
4. Had a full sized "Kit Kat" bar today - haven't done that in ages.  Still one of my all-time favorites.
5. Had a productive day at work.  I'm up to my neck in details for the conference we have coming up just after Easter, and today was a day full of details, but I feel like I made some headway on them, even if my "to do" list didn't necessarily get as many checkmarks as I would have liked.

Trip Hazard

I loved the newest cartoon at nakedpastor this morning.  Because, yes, the cross has definitely often felt like a tripping hazard.

Star Wars Alpacas

I came across this one this morning, and while truly ridiculous, it made me laugh pretty hard!

Routine

This remains a sort of plodding week.

So I'm sticking to the routines that have served me well, and just trying to move through the days.

Worship or a sermon on the bus in the morning (thankful for an ipod, and, as much as  I miss my car for the convenience of it, for the commutes to and from work, I've been enjoying not having to watch the road.  I may stick with the train several days a week, even after getting a car.)

An audio book (or sometimes a sermon) on the train on the way home.

Playing a game online at lunch, and then a trivia game online with a coworker to end the lunch hour.

Home.  Quiet.  Emails and maybe chatting online or a phone call.

Trying to make space to read.

The few little "certain" engagments of the week, like house church.

And looking for moments of joy.

I know that routine isn't always helpful.

But sometimes it lets me survive until I can thrive again.

Daily 5 - Day 210

Today's Daily 5:

1. Pizza for lunch and supper courtesy work, and therefore free.
2. Got a new watch battery, so hopefully I'm set for a while again.
3. Banana Cream Pie (I know, it's made the list several times this week, but I bought a little 6" one on the weekend - a rare treat - and I've quite enjoyed it.)
4. Remembered to take my pills with me today - quite astounding the difference they make
5. Quiet evening, likely going to be in bed early(ish!)

Curled up in Bed

I'm catching the cold/sore throat that's been going around my office and family for a couple of months now.

Tonight's plan, after a quick stop at the library on the way home, is to shower, put on my pajamas, eat something for dinner, and then crawl into bed.  I plan to spend the evening in bed, resting, reading, watching some videos, catching up on some emails, playing a computer game.  But basically moving as little as possible.

Because I'm tired, and I'm trying really hard to not let this cold become the full blown thing.

And right now the best sounding idea in the world is an evening curled up in bed.

Start Again

By the time I went to bed last night, I was well and truly done.  Complete emotional and physical exhaustion.

My head is reminding me that I missed so many supplements yesterday, and that they make a huge difference in my ability to cope. 

My heart is reminding me that bad days happen, and that I can be gentle with myself and have a bad day (or several) without panicking that depression is returning.

That was a gift of insight that came over the weekend.  That the pulling inward and the self protection in the face of this hard transition are things I need to keep an eye on, but that having some really hard emotional days doesn't mean that depression is returning, and that I don't need to fear that pulling inward, those bad days.

It's sort of easier said than done.  But I'm trying.

At least I got a bit of sleep last night.  That I'm thankful for.

And our out of town staff is in the office this week, and the company is providing lunch for everyone - that's been nice too.

I visited with one of the wives of those staff members for a while this morning.  A sweet old colony Mennonite lady that I get to see once or twice a year.  It's always fun to chat with her.

This morning I managed to (mostly) set aside the things I've been worrying around in my mind the last few days while I was on the bus and focus on the worship music I was listening to.

So there are a few good things, and I'm choosing to focus on those.

Start again.

New mercies every morning.

That's what I'm reminding myself of.  And that's what I'm on the lookout for today.

Daily 5 - Day 209

To be honest, the last thing I feel like doing right now is coming up with 5 or more things that made me smile or that I'm thankful for tonight.  Mostly what I want to do is bawl my eyes out, and wallow.  Deeply and miserably.  Since that doesn't seem like a productive option, may I present, 

Today's Daily 5:

1. Blackberries and raspberries as part of my supper
2. Skype chat with A. tonight.  Was so good to catch up a bit. To share what's going on in our lives, the fun stuff and the challenges.  We know the questions to ask, and since our time is precious, we talk about the important stuff, celebrating the good and promising to pray for each other through the challenges.  (Definitely having one of those, all the people I love and who love me live way too far away moments, though.)
3. Managed to arrange a ride to house church for Thursday night - doesn't seem like much, but in my current carless state, that ride is a lifeline, because it lets me be at the house church gathering that I've come to appreciate so much.
4. Got through the day without melting down, even without my supplements.  That's a pretty big victory.  (It also helps to know that part of how I'm feeling right now is because I had a third of what I normally take in the supplement that deals particularly with anxiety and mood regulation.)
5. It felt so good to shower tonight.
6. Sort of managed to keep the obsessing about a particular, hard situation/conversation at bay.  Sort of managing that is a victory for me.
7. using the pillows my roommate left me.  hers are much nicer than the ones I had been using.
8. Caught up on "The Amazing Race" online tonight.  Totally cheering on the cowboys - loved the line from one of them in the episode I watched tonight where they found themselves outside some strip clubs in Germany, looking for a clue, and one said to the other, "We ain't in the bible belt no more."  Made me laugh.  Plus, I couldn't believe his cowboy hat stayed on when he bungee jumped.  Now that's a tight fitting hat!
9. still really enjoying the audio book I've been listening to, though it's challenged me a bit at points.  I'm nearly done now (will likely finish it up tomorrow) and then I'll post about it.
10. Got a chapter read in the book I'll eventually be reviewing here.  I'm slogging through this one, and it always feels like an accomplishment to mark another chapter off the list as I count down towards being done.  Let's just say that I'll be picking a shorter book for my next free review, just in case I manage to pick another, um, "challenging" read.
11. Oh, and bonus - Banana cream pie.  So good.

Shower

It's been a long time since the first thing I did when I got home was to try to shower away a very bad day.

I stood there, under the hot water and visualised all the gross things from this day, this season, washing off of me.

The fear and anxiety and panic.

The sense of homelessness.

The anger and resentment.

The worry.

The obessessive neuroses.

I stood there and thought about those things being washed free from me, about being washed clean.

And I wondered, too, in the corner of my mind, if Grandma was thinking that I was taking too long in the shower.

Because one of the things she told me quite incredulously when I first took a shower in this house, was how the previous tenant had showered for 20 minutes, without turning the fan on, and now look, the finish on the bathroom door was ruined. 

And I laughed inwardly, because, though I don't know why she didn't turn the fan on, to save the finish on the door, 20 minutes didn't really seem that excessive to me, but I supposed that to someone who was 80, a child of the great depression, and currently often simply bathes herself at the sink, it seemed like a ridiculous luxury.

So I stood there and washed myself clean, and tried to laugh, remembering the incredulous tone. "20 minutes, can you imagine?"

And somehow, it helped, and I felt freer, moving on to supper, to pills (so grateful that the day was kind of okay without my usual supplements, so thankful to be able to take the suppertime dose), and to anticipating talking with A.

Freer, it seems, feels good.

Tonight

Tonight the plan is to use skype to talk with A.

A. and I have been friends for many years now - she's one of the longer standing ones.  There are two or three of that vintage, all ones I hold dear.  And only a very, very few of an older vintage.

I stayed with A. and her husband B. in Toronto last fall, when L. and I were experiencing autumn for the first time.  We spent a week camping in their living room.

Some of the most restful sleeps I've had in the last year were during that week on her living room couch.

A. is from Columbia, beautiful and graceful.  Trained as a professional dancer.  She moves with grace, but not just the grace of a dancer.  The grace of one who knows and loves Jesus, and who somehow lets that light ooze from her very motions.

And tonight, I get to talk with her.

I'm anticipating it, on this day that has been full of challenges.  This day that has at moments seemed unmangeable.

Because I have been lonely in these days of transition, and she is one who sees me, who knows my heart, and even the struggles and loves anyway.  Because we almost always pray together and for each other as we close our conversation.  Because tonight it will do my heart good to converse with a dear friend.