It's been a little bit of an unexpected day around the office.
Tensions are flying a bit high, and I'll be glad to leave in half an hour or so, when we close early.
It'll be interesting to see if it blows over, with a day or so off, or if it'll pick back up again on Thursday.
It'll be interesting (and possibly hard) to see how it all shakes out.
In the meantime, I have a house to unpack, laundry to do, a wedding gift to buy, groceries to shop for and a prescription to refill. And I don't plan on thinking about work in the midst of doing all of that over the next day or two.
Hopefully the internet will also be installed in my apartment tomorrow. If so, I'll be around. If not, it'll be quiet here until Thursday. See ya next time!
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Spiritual Courage - from Henri
another challenging thought from Henri Nouwen...
Spiritual Courage
Courage is connected with taking risks. Jumping the Grand Canyon on a motorbike, coming over Niagara Falls in a barrel, or crossing the ocean in a rowboat are called courageous acts because people risk their lives by doing these things. But none of these daredevil acts comes from the centre of our being. They all come from the desire to test our physical limits and to become famous and popular.
Spiritual courage is something completely different. It is following the deepest desires of our hearts at the risk of losing fame and popularity. It asks of us the willingness to lose our temporal lives in order to gain eternal life.
Spiritual Courage
Courage is connected with taking risks. Jumping the Grand Canyon on a motorbike, coming over Niagara Falls in a barrel, or crossing the ocean in a rowboat are called courageous acts because people risk their lives by doing these things. But none of these daredevil acts comes from the centre of our being. They all come from the desire to test our physical limits and to become famous and popular.
Spiritual courage is something completely different. It is following the deepest desires of our hearts at the risk of losing fame and popularity. It asks of us the willingness to lose our temporal lives in order to gain eternal life.
Always Forward!
My roommate's plans changed last night, and she didn't come home until later, and after a while of attacking the disaster zone of our house by myself, I needed to escape the chaos for a while.
I've discovered that having the internet at my easy disposal helps with the sense of feeling trapped. Not having it in the house right now is something I know I shouldn't complain about, but also something that I'm finding to be quite challenging.
I needed a break from our house, from the mess of moving, and from feeling confined and lonely.
So I went to the library, and spent about an hour doing some things online. Catching up on a few emails and blogs and so forth.
Then I took myself out for dinner (Wendy's - high class, I know!) before heading home. By that point my roommate was home, had made slightly more progress in the kitchen disaster zone, and we chatted through a few further needs and options before we both headed for bed.
Because tomorrow is a holiday (Canada Day, for those of you who don't live in the Northern climes I call home), my office is closing early this afternoon. My plan is to head home, do some laundry, and a bit more cleaning and organizing, and then, tonight, my roommate and I are headed out to buy some groceries, and pay a visit to the dollar store, and to Ikea, searching for some items that we need to help us restore order to the chaos we're currently living in.
For the moment, I'm enjoying the fact that I'm sitting in my office, which has absolutely no boxes or bags to unpack, no chaos whatsoever, and sipping tea. I'm off to dive into the "fascinating" world of checking some data entry work, and I'm contemplating the following quote, which appeared today on the calendar that a friend gave me, that sits on my desk:
"Always forward!" (Saint Maria Chaira's life motto and dying words)
A good motto in the midst of the craziness that has marked my life these last few weeks, and, indeed, for much of the last two years.
I've discovered that having the internet at my easy disposal helps with the sense of feeling trapped. Not having it in the house right now is something I know I shouldn't complain about, but also something that I'm finding to be quite challenging.
I needed a break from our house, from the mess of moving, and from feeling confined and lonely.
So I went to the library, and spent about an hour doing some things online. Catching up on a few emails and blogs and so forth.
Then I took myself out for dinner (Wendy's - high class, I know!) before heading home. By that point my roommate was home, had made slightly more progress in the kitchen disaster zone, and we chatted through a few further needs and options before we both headed for bed.
Because tomorrow is a holiday (Canada Day, for those of you who don't live in the Northern climes I call home), my office is closing early this afternoon. My plan is to head home, do some laundry, and a bit more cleaning and organizing, and then, tonight, my roommate and I are headed out to buy some groceries, and pay a visit to the dollar store, and to Ikea, searching for some items that we need to help us restore order to the chaos we're currently living in.
For the moment, I'm enjoying the fact that I'm sitting in my office, which has absolutely no boxes or bags to unpack, no chaos whatsoever, and sipping tea. I'm off to dive into the "fascinating" world of checking some data entry work, and I'm contemplating the following quote, which appeared today on the calendar that a friend gave me, that sits on my desk:
"Always forward!" (Saint Maria Chaira's life motto and dying words)
A good motto in the midst of the craziness that has marked my life these last few weeks, and, indeed, for much of the last two years.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Another Day...
It feels funny to be stopping in here again before the evening is out, but I wanted to stop in one more time, and I won't have access to the internet once I leave the office.
It's odd, but a relaxed day at the office has helped. There were things to do, but nothing desperately urgent.
And being away from the incredible disarray that is our house just presently is also helpful. I'd forgotten just how much disorganization and disarray stresses me out!
Ah well, I'll have to get used to it! It's likely going to look this way for a little while, since, as I mentioned last week, my commitment is to take the unpacking slowly, sort through the belongings, and really and truly purge and simplify.
I'm looking forward to a trip to Ikea tomorrow night. Along with a few essentials that we've discovered are missing in our new place, I'm also planning to finish pricing out bed frame options. I have a pretty good idea of what I want, I'm just hoping to see it on display. And then, sometime early next week, I'll be purchasing that, and truly able to begin to get my bedroom neatly into shape!
I have an errand or two to do for work tonight, before I head home. Then home, and attacking the kitchen, so at least that space is navigable, and that we're able to cook, and have someplace that isn't in disarray to sit down for a few minutes here and there.
And, I'd forgotten, but work is ending early tomorrow as well, since we often close the office a few hours early on the day before a statuatory holiday. That is also VERY exciting news for me!
And with that, I'm off to tie up some loose ends, and head out for the evening.
It's odd, but a relaxed day at the office has helped. There were things to do, but nothing desperately urgent.
And being away from the incredible disarray that is our house just presently is also helpful. I'd forgotten just how much disorganization and disarray stresses me out!
Ah well, I'll have to get used to it! It's likely going to look this way for a little while, since, as I mentioned last week, my commitment is to take the unpacking slowly, sort through the belongings, and really and truly purge and simplify.
I'm looking forward to a trip to Ikea tomorrow night. Along with a few essentials that we've discovered are missing in our new place, I'm also planning to finish pricing out bed frame options. I have a pretty good idea of what I want, I'm just hoping to see it on display. And then, sometime early next week, I'll be purchasing that, and truly able to begin to get my bedroom neatly into shape!
I have an errand or two to do for work tonight, before I head home. Then home, and attacking the kitchen, so at least that space is navigable, and that we're able to cook, and have someplace that isn't in disarray to sit down for a few minutes here and there.
And, I'd forgotten, but work is ending early tomorrow as well, since we often close the office a few hours early on the day before a statuatory holiday. That is also VERY exciting news for me!
And with that, I'm off to tie up some loose ends, and head out for the evening.
Updating...
We survived the move. We've now officially slept in the new place for two nights.
It's entirely in chaos. I can't find my favorite pair of flip-flops (here's hoping they turn up soon!) But we're there. The goal for tonight is to unpack our kitchen, so we can at least start eating like normal human beings again.
The injury count was low, belonging wise. The glass on one framed photograph broke, but that's quite easily fixed sometime soon. (We're nowhere near being ready to hang our artwork anyway.
As for me, well, I've decided that I bruise more easily than fruit! I have deep, ugly bruises across both legs, both arms, and several on my hips and torso. I also have a small cut, high up on my torso, that I have no idea how I sustained.
I also managed to roll my right ankle, and pull my left hamstring, on the same move, while carrying a piece of furniture down the stairs out of our old house. As I stepped off the bottom step, my ankle rolled under me, and I pulled the hamstring compensating for rolling the ankle! I've spent several chunks of time over the last few days, reclining on my bed, with a bag of frozen peas on either my ankle or my hamstring. Looking a bit ridiculous, but thankful that the injuries weren't more serious.
I did make it to church Saturday night. And to the mountains yesterday.
Tonight I'm doing some errands for work, before returning home to attack the unpacking of our kitchen.
Tomorrow night is scheduled for grocery shopping and a trip to Ikea for a few essentials we've discovered are missing in our new place.
Wednesday I'm off work all day, and am hoping to take care of a number of errands, as well as make a dent in the unpacking. Wednesday is also the day that I should finally have internet access in our new house - something I'm most definitely looking forward to.
I'm a bit worn out, and still a bit frazzled, but overall, I felt the prayers of those who were praying. I made it through moving day, with it's high stress and high demands on energy levels I don't really have with only one minor meltdown mid-afternoon. I am, however, still managing to get at least some sleep, and that is most definitely helping.
It's entirely in chaos. I can't find my favorite pair of flip-flops (here's hoping they turn up soon!) But we're there. The goal for tonight is to unpack our kitchen, so we can at least start eating like normal human beings again.
The injury count was low, belonging wise. The glass on one framed photograph broke, but that's quite easily fixed sometime soon. (We're nowhere near being ready to hang our artwork anyway.
As for me, well, I've decided that I bruise more easily than fruit! I have deep, ugly bruises across both legs, both arms, and several on my hips and torso. I also have a small cut, high up on my torso, that I have no idea how I sustained.
I also managed to roll my right ankle, and pull my left hamstring, on the same move, while carrying a piece of furniture down the stairs out of our old house. As I stepped off the bottom step, my ankle rolled under me, and I pulled the hamstring compensating for rolling the ankle! I've spent several chunks of time over the last few days, reclining on my bed, with a bag of frozen peas on either my ankle or my hamstring. Looking a bit ridiculous, but thankful that the injuries weren't more serious.
I did make it to church Saturday night. And to the mountains yesterday.
Tonight I'm doing some errands for work, before returning home to attack the unpacking of our kitchen.
Tomorrow night is scheduled for grocery shopping and a trip to Ikea for a few essentials we've discovered are missing in our new place.
Wednesday I'm off work all day, and am hoping to take care of a number of errands, as well as make a dent in the unpacking. Wednesday is also the day that I should finally have internet access in our new house - something I'm most definitely looking forward to.
I'm a bit worn out, and still a bit frazzled, but overall, I felt the prayers of those who were praying. I made it through moving day, with it's high stress and high demands on energy levels I don't really have with only one minor meltdown mid-afternoon. I am, however, still managing to get at least some sleep, and that is most definitely helping.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
A Courageous Life
Another challenging thought from Henri Nouwen...
A Courageous Life
"Have courage," we often say to one another. Courage is a spiritual virtue. The word courage comes from the Latin word cor, which means "heart. A courageous act is an act coming from the heart. A courageous word is a word arising from the heart. The heart, however, is not just the place where our emotions are located. The heart is the centre of our being, the centre of all thoughts, feelings, passions, and decisions.
When the flesh - the lived human experience - becomes word, community can develop. When we say, "Let me tell you what we saw. Come and listen to what we did. Sit down and let me explain to you what happened to us. Wait until you hear whom we met," we call people together and make our lives into lives for others. The word brings us together and calls us into community. When the flesh becomes word, our bodies become part of a body of people.
A Courageous Life
"Have courage," we often say to one another. Courage is a spiritual virtue. The word courage comes from the Latin word cor, which means "heart. A courageous act is an act coming from the heart. A courageous word is a word arising from the heart. The heart, however, is not just the place where our emotions are located. The heart is the centre of our being, the centre of all thoughts, feelings, passions, and decisions.
When the flesh - the lived human experience - becomes word, community can develop. When we say, "Let me tell you what we saw. Come and listen to what we did. Sit down and let me explain to you what happened to us. Wait until you hear whom we met," we call people together and make our lives into lives for others. The word brings us together and calls us into community. When the flesh becomes word, our bodies become part of a body of people.
What Colored Glasses?
I liked these quiz results too...
You See the World Through Blue Colored Glasses |
 You live your life with tranquility. You have faith that things will work themselves out with time. You judge all your interactions through the lens of hope. You try to get all the facts before forming your opinion. You face challenges with wisdom. You know that all bad things pass, and you have the confidence to see problems through. You see love as the utmost expression of trust. Your relationships tend to be peaceful and stable. At your worst, you can be cool, melancholy, and detached. You sometimes have to step back from emotionally charged situations. You are at your happiest when you are able to reflect and relax. |
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Funky Inner Hair Color
Because these quiz results just made me chuckle...
| Your Hair Should Be Purple |
 Intense, thoughtful, and unconventional. You're always philosophizing and inspiring others with your insights. |
Quotes of the Day
A few more great quotes from the calendar that sits on my desk at work and challenges me nearly every day...
Let us refuse nothing to God's love. He humbled himself and suffered for us - let us be glad to show him we are willing to suffer whatever he deigns to ask of us. (Blessed Mary MacKillop)
I wish to be little, so very little, that Jesus is forced to hold me in his arms. This is what gives me confidence: I know that he will not let me fall. (Sister Francoise-Therese (Leonie Martin) )
Let us refuse nothing to God's love. He humbled himself and suffered for us - let us be glad to show him we are willing to suffer whatever he deigns to ask of us. (Blessed Mary MacKillop)
I wish to be little, so very little, that Jesus is forced to hold me in his arms. This is what gives me confidence: I know that he will not let me fall. (Sister Francoise-Therese (Leonie Martin) )
Friday, June 26, 2009
Packing, Packing, Packing...
It's 10:30 p.m.
I've been home from Dad's birthday party for about an hour and a half. I'd say we're now 90% packed, with the other 10% being easily accomplished and contained.
The biggest challenge for tomorrow will be simply to get our furniture moved.
I'm feeling pretty good about this.
Wound up a bit.
Exhausted a lot.
But feeling okay about it.
And with that, I'm off to finish packing my bedroom, and then perhaps take a very quick shower before heading for bed.
Praying for a deep and restful sleep tonight.
Like I said, posting will likely be a bit scarce around here. I've got a few posts scheduled for the weekend, and if I get a chance to grab internet access somewhere, I'll add an update or two, but if not, look for that on Monday!
I've been home from Dad's birthday party for about an hour and a half. I'd say we're now 90% packed, with the other 10% being easily accomplished and contained.
The biggest challenge for tomorrow will be simply to get our furniture moved.
I'm feeling pretty good about this.
Wound up a bit.
Exhausted a lot.
But feeling okay about it.
And with that, I'm off to finish packing my bedroom, and then perhaps take a very quick shower before heading for bed.
Praying for a deep and restful sleep tonight.
Like I said, posting will likely be a bit scarce around here. I've got a few posts scheduled for the weekend, and if I get a chance to grab internet access somewhere, I'll add an update or two, but if not, look for that on Monday!
Friday, End of Day
This day has felt interminable.
It's our slowest season right now, and the workload today reflected that.
It didn't help that my mind is a thousand other places, focusing on everything that must be accomplished in the next 24 hours.
I think there's about half an hour left in the work day. Half an hour that needs to be filled.
And then, on into the crazyness the weekend promises to hold.
Like I said this morning, the panic (for the moment at least - please keep praying!) seems to have receded, and in it's place is the simple awareness of the many, many things that need to be accomplished in a short span of time, and the desire for those things to go smoothly, without too many hitches, thus allowing my stress level to slowly begin to recede.
I'll see you on the flip side!
It's our slowest season right now, and the workload today reflected that.
It didn't help that my mind is a thousand other places, focusing on everything that must be accomplished in the next 24 hours.
I think there's about half an hour left in the work day. Half an hour that needs to be filled.
And then, on into the crazyness the weekend promises to hold.
Like I said this morning, the panic (for the moment at least - please keep praying!) seems to have receded, and in it's place is the simple awareness of the many, many things that need to be accomplished in a short span of time, and the desire for those things to go smoothly, without too many hitches, thus allowing my stress level to slowly begin to recede.
I'll see you on the flip side!
Purging
We moved another large load of belongings last night.
I'd read this blog post earlier in the day, and, in combination with things I was already thinking about, as I moved items from the basement of our current home, to the living room of our new home, I stared at the piles of belongings and made a decision. I informed my roommate that I was going to unpack a bit more slowly this time, and really go through the things in the boxes.
I'm feeling a need to purge. To simplify. To create space and newness.
There are things I've rarely used, and I think I'm ready to let some of them go finally. Some of them have moved twice or three times with me, and hardly been touched in between the moves.
There are things that are old friends. Books and such like. Those won't be purged, but will be handled lovingly. The many, many "reminder" stones that have rested on my various shelves won't be purged either, but carefully displayed in a way that they do indeed serve their purposes.
But there are definitely other things that can go.
Because of the health problems I've had this year, I've lost a significant amount of weight. I want badly to go through my closet and purge the items I rarely wear, or the items that just don't quite fit. L and I talked yesterday about considering the questions (for those items that are perhaps slightly too large now) "would I wear this if it fit?" or "do I love this?" If the answer is yes, then I'll keep the item, and possibly even see if I can get it altered. If the answer is no, it's going to the thrift store for someone else to enjoy.
There are clothes, too, that I've kept for a specific purpose. "I wear that camping." Let's talk about the fact that I haven't been camping in at least five years. Or that I generally hate camping - it wouldn't be my idea of a good time. Or that I have absolutely no plans to be anywhere that will require me to sleep on the ground in a tent anytime in the next year either. I think that "camping" clothing can probably go.
I think it likely that for a while, our living room will have piles for the garbage, for recycling, and for transport to goodwill.
My bedroom is probably 90% packed.
When I get home tonight, before heading over to my parents' house for my dad's birthday celebrations, the plan is to pack an overnight bag. This is key to my survival for the next few days. There are a few items (some medications, a piece of jewelry I wear almost daily, and value highly, my journal, Nellie the bear, and others) that I absolutely must be able to locate tomorrow night to be comfortable and to rest in our new home.
After the birthday party, we need to pack our kitchen. Friends and family will start arriving to help us move the last boxes and belongings around 9:30 tomorrow morning. I'm hoping that the moving of belongings will be done by around 2:00 tomorrow afternoon, giving me several hours to do some basic unpacking and settling in before I head out to church.
The blog will likely be quite a bit quieter than normal until after July 1st. Once we've moved, I won't have internet access in my house until late in the day on the 1st. I may try to schedule some posts to go up on the days when I won't have access, but it all depends on how busy my day today is. I may also be paying visits to Starbucks in the evenings once or twice, to access email and so forth there.
Thankfully, I managed to sleep for several hours last night, relatively peacefully. I'm not feeling the panic I was feeling about all of this earlier in the week, just the pressing knowledge of much to do. And I really can't explain just how much of a relief that that shift is. Thank you to those who've been praying this week. It's helping.
And now, on into the day...
I'd read this blog post earlier in the day, and, in combination with things I was already thinking about, as I moved items from the basement of our current home, to the living room of our new home, I stared at the piles of belongings and made a decision. I informed my roommate that I was going to unpack a bit more slowly this time, and really go through the things in the boxes.
I'm feeling a need to purge. To simplify. To create space and newness.
There are things I've rarely used, and I think I'm ready to let some of them go finally. Some of them have moved twice or three times with me, and hardly been touched in between the moves.
There are things that are old friends. Books and such like. Those won't be purged, but will be handled lovingly. The many, many "reminder" stones that have rested on my various shelves won't be purged either, but carefully displayed in a way that they do indeed serve their purposes.
But there are definitely other things that can go.
Because of the health problems I've had this year, I've lost a significant amount of weight. I want badly to go through my closet and purge the items I rarely wear, or the items that just don't quite fit. L and I talked yesterday about considering the questions (for those items that are perhaps slightly too large now) "would I wear this if it fit?" or "do I love this?" If the answer is yes, then I'll keep the item, and possibly even see if I can get it altered. If the answer is no, it's going to the thrift store for someone else to enjoy.
There are clothes, too, that I've kept for a specific purpose. "I wear that camping." Let's talk about the fact that I haven't been camping in at least five years. Or that I generally hate camping - it wouldn't be my idea of a good time. Or that I have absolutely no plans to be anywhere that will require me to sleep on the ground in a tent anytime in the next year either. I think that "camping" clothing can probably go.
I think it likely that for a while, our living room will have piles for the garbage, for recycling, and for transport to goodwill.
My bedroom is probably 90% packed.
When I get home tonight, before heading over to my parents' house for my dad's birthday celebrations, the plan is to pack an overnight bag. This is key to my survival for the next few days. There are a few items (some medications, a piece of jewelry I wear almost daily, and value highly, my journal, Nellie the bear, and others) that I absolutely must be able to locate tomorrow night to be comfortable and to rest in our new home.
After the birthday party, we need to pack our kitchen. Friends and family will start arriving to help us move the last boxes and belongings around 9:30 tomorrow morning. I'm hoping that the moving of belongings will be done by around 2:00 tomorrow afternoon, giving me several hours to do some basic unpacking and settling in before I head out to church.
The blog will likely be quite a bit quieter than normal until after July 1st. Once we've moved, I won't have internet access in my house until late in the day on the 1st. I may try to schedule some posts to go up on the days when I won't have access, but it all depends on how busy my day today is. I may also be paying visits to Starbucks in the evenings once or twice, to access email and so forth there.
Thankfully, I managed to sleep for several hours last night, relatively peacefully. I'm not feeling the panic I was feeling about all of this earlier in the week, just the pressing knowledge of much to do. And I really can't explain just how much of a relief that that shift is. Thank you to those who've been praying this week. It's helping.
And now, on into the day...
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Slightly smooth...
I'm feeling likes things are a bit smoother right now.
After the latest trip to the new place, I'm feeling much calmer about the move - like it's far more in hand than I thought.
A shower helped, and plugging in my noise cancellation headphones and curling up on the couch with my laptop, some emails, a game, and a few episodes of M*A*S*H*.
And, I did decide to go with my dad to the airport a bit later tonight to pick up my brother. I'm needing that normalcy still.
Then, hopefully, a restful night of sleep for a change, and on into the rest of the days in my crazy schedule to come.
After the latest trip to the new place, I'm feeling much calmer about the move - like it's far more in hand than I thought.
A shower helped, and plugging in my noise cancellation headphones and curling up on the couch with my laptop, some emails, a game, and a few episodes of M*A*S*H*.
And, I did decide to go with my dad to the airport a bit later tonight to pick up my brother. I'm needing that normalcy still.
Then, hopefully, a restful night of sleep for a change, and on into the rest of the days in my crazy schedule to come.
Whirlwind
I feel like I'm living a bit in the midst of a whirlwind of change, and movement and transition just at the moment, and that's not something I'm coping with well. This is the ugly side of me. I'm working on it, and I'm better than I used to be (those of you who've seen or talked with me this week are wondering now how bad it used to be!). I know in my head that all of these things are well in hand. That we're organized, and that the move will likely go smoothly. My head is having a great deal of trouble convincing the rest of me, and I'm living in a massively speeded up world because of it.
But, just to give you a glimpse, here's some of what I've got going on for the next week and a bit:
First, because we have an out of province person in to do some work with our accounting department at work this week, I've been mostly covering my own lunch hours. Which means I'm not really getting a break in the middle of the day. No chat with a good friend who usually shares the lunch coverage of the phones with me. No relocating to her office for half of the lunch hour. And just a few frantic trips out to pick up something to eat, in 15 minutes or less so that I can get back to covering the phones.
Tonight my mom is coming over and we're taking another load (two vehicles full this time) of belongings to our new apartment. Then I'll likely come home and do a bit more packing, and carrying things that will need to be moved up from the basement.
Quite late tonight my brother and his girlfriend arrive home from a trip to visit her family. I don't have to go to the airport, but I think I may join my dad to pick them up, as I could desperately use a bit of a normalcy break. I'd like to do something, even just for a little bit, that doesn't revolve around packing and moving and transitioning.
Tomorow night is my dad's birthday dinner. So I'll be there, and then I'll be back at my current house, boxing the things in our kitchen so that we're ready for the major move on Saturday.
Saturday is the big move. If it's done in time, I'm desperately hoping to go to church. I'm longing to be around other believers.
Sunday I'm going someplace, at least for a few hours, by myself, to have a conversation with God, and get the divorce that I mentioned earlier this week. I'm actually hoping that the move will have gone very smoothly, and I'll be able to take most of the day for this. I'm not sure right now, given how the last few days have gone, how my panic levels and energy levels have been, that I'll be up to going to the spot I'd really like to, but I'm hoping for that.
Monday will bring the return of work, and in the evening settling in to our new house.
Tuesday will look pretty much like Monday.
Wednesday I'm off work for Canada Day. I have an installer coming sometime between 8 and 10 in the morning (who I have to refuse at the door - LONG STORY) to solve our internet and telephone and television issues. That day will also likely see the bulk of the unpacking work around the house.
Thursday and Friday will be much like Monday and Tuesday - work, and unpacking and cleaning.
Somewhere in there I also need to get out and accomplish some errands: groceries, a wedding gift, the bank, insoles for a couple of pairs of shoes, basic toiletry needs.
Saturday morning I'm driving to a city three hours north with my brother, to take in my roommate J's wedding. T and Dad are driving back Saturday night, while mom and I will be staying in the city for the wedding reception.
Sunday brings the three hour drive home, and then, quite likely, collapse.
I think the evenings and weekend that will follow all of that will finally bring the desperately needed down-time.
So, I'm living in the midst of the whirlwind, and doing my level best to stay upright. As opposed to previous times, I have in fact managed to eat something three times a day each day. This means that I have slightly more energy to offer than previous years. I did get a few hours of sleep last night before the tormenting started. That helps too. I wasn't too proud to admit that I need help and phone mom to ask her to pray. That's kind of a big step. My head knows, even if the rest of me doesn't, that I'm going to survive all of this, and be just fine, and that the move is well in hand. Usually I can't even convince my head of that. AND, I'm trying to find ways to inject just the tiniest bit of normalcy (like going to the airport tonight to greet my brother). That will hopefully help too.
But, just to give you a glimpse, here's some of what I've got going on for the next week and a bit:
First, because we have an out of province person in to do some work with our accounting department at work this week, I've been mostly covering my own lunch hours. Which means I'm not really getting a break in the middle of the day. No chat with a good friend who usually shares the lunch coverage of the phones with me. No relocating to her office for half of the lunch hour. And just a few frantic trips out to pick up something to eat, in 15 minutes or less so that I can get back to covering the phones.
Tonight my mom is coming over and we're taking another load (two vehicles full this time) of belongings to our new apartment. Then I'll likely come home and do a bit more packing, and carrying things that will need to be moved up from the basement.
Quite late tonight my brother and his girlfriend arrive home from a trip to visit her family. I don't have to go to the airport, but I think I may join my dad to pick them up, as I could desperately use a bit of a normalcy break. I'd like to do something, even just for a little bit, that doesn't revolve around packing and moving and transitioning.
Tomorow night is my dad's birthday dinner. So I'll be there, and then I'll be back at my current house, boxing the things in our kitchen so that we're ready for the major move on Saturday.
Saturday is the big move. If it's done in time, I'm desperately hoping to go to church. I'm longing to be around other believers.
Sunday I'm going someplace, at least for a few hours, by myself, to have a conversation with God, and get the divorce that I mentioned earlier this week. I'm actually hoping that the move will have gone very smoothly, and I'll be able to take most of the day for this. I'm not sure right now, given how the last few days have gone, how my panic levels and energy levels have been, that I'll be up to going to the spot I'd really like to, but I'm hoping for that.
Monday will bring the return of work, and in the evening settling in to our new house.
Tuesday will look pretty much like Monday.
Wednesday I'm off work for Canada Day. I have an installer coming sometime between 8 and 10 in the morning (who I have to refuse at the door - LONG STORY) to solve our internet and telephone and television issues. That day will also likely see the bulk of the unpacking work around the house.
Thursday and Friday will be much like Monday and Tuesday - work, and unpacking and cleaning.
Somewhere in there I also need to get out and accomplish some errands: groceries, a wedding gift, the bank, insoles for a couple of pairs of shoes, basic toiletry needs.
Saturday morning I'm driving to a city three hours north with my brother, to take in my roommate J's wedding. T and Dad are driving back Saturday night, while mom and I will be staying in the city for the wedding reception.
Sunday brings the three hour drive home, and then, quite likely, collapse.
I think the evenings and weekend that will follow all of that will finally bring the desperately needed down-time.
So, I'm living in the midst of the whirlwind, and doing my level best to stay upright. As opposed to previous times, I have in fact managed to eat something three times a day each day. This means that I have slightly more energy to offer than previous years. I did get a few hours of sleep last night before the tormenting started. That helps too. I wasn't too proud to admit that I need help and phone mom to ask her to pray. That's kind of a big step. My head knows, even if the rest of me doesn't, that I'm going to survive all of this, and be just fine, and that the move is well in hand. Usually I can't even convince my head of that. AND, I'm trying to find ways to inject just the tiniest bit of normalcy (like going to the airport tonight to greet my brother). That will hopefully help too.
Untitled
My thoughts are all over the place still.
Fairly late last night I realized that I wasn't having any success slowing my racing mind and spirit, calming them, in the hope that I could sleep. I phoned my mom, and broke down again. I phoned her and asked her to pray for me. I needed to hear someone's voice, talking to Jesus on my behalf. Mom wouldn't always be my first choice for that, but the pickings around me are slim these days, and she is reliable in her willingness to care for me in that way.
It helped a little. For the first four or five hours of the night I mostly slept. The time after that was a bit more challenging. I spent a lot of time tossing and turning, quoting scripture or old hymns as the panic, fear and voices encroached.
The last time I woke, I was choking and dry heaving. Some combination of the encroachment of the fear and the fact that I'm still struggling with this cold and my throat had completely dried out overnight, plus my sinuses had begun to drain. I stumbled to the bathroom and sat leaning against the bathtub, waiting to be able to breathe again, for the moment to pass, before returning to bed to await the beginning of the day.
I suspect that I was thrashing in my sleep again, too. Upon waking I discovered a deep purple bruise, about the size of a nickel, on my left knee. It wasn't there when I went to bed last night. I often wake with bruises that can't be explained, particularly along the left side of my body, but they're usually the shallow, yellowy-green sort that fade after a few days. This new one is quite and purplely-blue, and seems to still be coming to it's full color.
I'm listening to a recording of a long list of classic hymns. I was raised on these, and my affinity for the deep beauty of their lyrics and melodies has never faded. I'm particularly enjoying this particular recording by Jon Buller and friends.
I also watched this again this morning. A dear friend sent it to me the other night, chuckling at the timing given the rather challenging conversation we were having that day. I needed to hear it again this morning, and suspect I'll play it once or twice more before the day is out.
The fluctuations of my body temperature tell me that I'm likely still running a fever. I'm watching my newest piercing closely, as it's showing signs of trying to develop an infection in the midst of this week where my immune system seems to be refusing to function.
And with that, I must re-direct my attention to other matters! Until later...
Fairly late last night I realized that I wasn't having any success slowing my racing mind and spirit, calming them, in the hope that I could sleep. I phoned my mom, and broke down again. I phoned her and asked her to pray for me. I needed to hear someone's voice, talking to Jesus on my behalf. Mom wouldn't always be my first choice for that, but the pickings around me are slim these days, and she is reliable in her willingness to care for me in that way.
It helped a little. For the first four or five hours of the night I mostly slept. The time after that was a bit more challenging. I spent a lot of time tossing and turning, quoting scripture or old hymns as the panic, fear and voices encroached.
The last time I woke, I was choking and dry heaving. Some combination of the encroachment of the fear and the fact that I'm still struggling with this cold and my throat had completely dried out overnight, plus my sinuses had begun to drain. I stumbled to the bathroom and sat leaning against the bathtub, waiting to be able to breathe again, for the moment to pass, before returning to bed to await the beginning of the day.
I suspect that I was thrashing in my sleep again, too. Upon waking I discovered a deep purple bruise, about the size of a nickel, on my left knee. It wasn't there when I went to bed last night. I often wake with bruises that can't be explained, particularly along the left side of my body, but they're usually the shallow, yellowy-green sort that fade after a few days. This new one is quite and purplely-blue, and seems to still be coming to it's full color.
I'm listening to a recording of a long list of classic hymns. I was raised on these, and my affinity for the deep beauty of their lyrics and melodies has never faded. I'm particularly enjoying this particular recording by Jon Buller and friends.
I also watched this again this morning. A dear friend sent it to me the other night, chuckling at the timing given the rather challenging conversation we were having that day. I needed to hear it again this morning, and suspect I'll play it once or twice more before the day is out.
The fluctuations of my body temperature tell me that I'm likely still running a fever. I'm watching my newest piercing closely, as it's showing signs of trying to develop an infection in the midst of this week where my immune system seems to be refusing to function.
And with that, I must re-direct my attention to other matters! Until later...
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Exhausted and Wound Up.
I'm completely exhausted. My body is shouting at me to stop moving.
My brain isn't having anything to do with that idea.
There are a thousand things running through my head, packing that has to be done, the thousand and one errands that must be accomplished. The process of settling into the new place. The slight shortage of able bodies to carry furniture on the weekend.
I'm making myself stop for a few minutes. Just sit, check emails, watch a bit of M*A*S*H*, play a game on my laptop for a minute.
Then I'll head back to bedroom, pack a bit more and eventually go to bed.
I'm praying for a quiet mind and heart as I fall asleep tonight... and for the ability to sleep in the midst of everything going on.
My brain isn't having anything to do with that idea.
There are a thousand things running through my head, packing that has to be done, the thousand and one errands that must be accomplished. The process of settling into the new place. The slight shortage of able bodies to carry furniture on the weekend.
I'm making myself stop for a few minutes. Just sit, check emails, watch a bit of M*A*S*H*, play a game on my laptop for a minute.
Then I'll head back to bedroom, pack a bit more and eventually go to bed.
I'm praying for a quiet mind and heart as I fall asleep tonight... and for the ability to sleep in the midst of everything going on.
On My Mind...
It is my prayer that as I continue to journey through life, my body will learn that it doesn't need to freak out every time we come up against a week or two that are more stressful than normal. Because my body freaking out doesn't exactly reduce the stress level if you know what I mean.
I'm thankful these days that I can recognize many of the symptoms as stress reactions, and ignore them as much as possible. That I can remind myself that this is how my body tends to respond to stress. (These days that is meaning that I'm forcing myself to eat inspite of a dramatically decreased appetite, and a certain degree of nausea.)
I'm still fighting off the terrible cold that kept me home in bed for most of the day on Monday. The sore throat lingers, and the sneezing and constant nose blowing are enough to drive a person batty.
I'm not sleeping properly again (so what else is new when I'm stressed), and the neck and shoulder problems I aggravated about three weeks back are still causing daily headaches.
And yet, somehow, today, I'm coping.
We take possession of our new apartment tonight, and will take the first load of boxes over. We'll also likely take a load or two of boxes tomorrow night, doing everything we can to minimize the amount of loads and moving required for the major move on Saturday, when all of our furniture will move to the new house, and we'll officially be living there.
Unfortunately, because of the debacle with my internet/telephone/television provider that I mentioned on Monday (and let me just say it again, in case you missed it - DON'T EVER get Telus TV), we won't have telephone or internet access in our new home until Wednesday, July 1st. A fact I find incredibly frustrating due to the nature of my conversation with Telus on Monday, but hey... It's only four or five days, right? (Is it terrible that I'm hoping I can pick up an open wireless signal somewhere in our building? If not, I'll likely be making the occasional evening trip to Starbucks to keep up on my emails.)
Tonight I'll also be making a trip to the library (my roommate has books to return) and to the bank, and to some sort of store (any store really) to pick up a roll or two of packing tape. Oh, and after we take a load of boxes and stuff over to the new place, I'll also be spending a bit of time progressing on the packing in our old place.
I'm not actually stressed about the process of moving. At the moment I'm feeling like we have that well in hand. I think I'm simply reacting to the stress of transition. I think I've told this story here before, but I had an adventure-loving friend once ask me, "Don't you ever just feel like you have to get out of your comfort zone?" My answer? A resounding, "NO!" Usually, many months after the transition, I begin to be grateful for it. But mostly, I'm not a fan. I like a pretty staid, boring, routine life. It makes me happy. And so, last night, I was awake much of the night, with the thoughts of transition running through my head.
Like I said, these days I'm thankful that I can recognize the fears and lies. That I can identify them. And I'm praying for the day when they simply won't be there anymore.
I'm thankful these days that I can recognize many of the symptoms as stress reactions, and ignore them as much as possible. That I can remind myself that this is how my body tends to respond to stress. (These days that is meaning that I'm forcing myself to eat inspite of a dramatically decreased appetite, and a certain degree of nausea.)
I'm still fighting off the terrible cold that kept me home in bed for most of the day on Monday. The sore throat lingers, and the sneezing and constant nose blowing are enough to drive a person batty.
I'm not sleeping properly again (so what else is new when I'm stressed), and the neck and shoulder problems I aggravated about three weeks back are still causing daily headaches.
And yet, somehow, today, I'm coping.
We take possession of our new apartment tonight, and will take the first load of boxes over. We'll also likely take a load or two of boxes tomorrow night, doing everything we can to minimize the amount of loads and moving required for the major move on Saturday, when all of our furniture will move to the new house, and we'll officially be living there.
Unfortunately, because of the debacle with my internet/telephone/television provider that I mentioned on Monday (and let me just say it again, in case you missed it - DON'T EVER get Telus TV), we won't have telephone or internet access in our new home until Wednesday, July 1st. A fact I find incredibly frustrating due to the nature of my conversation with Telus on Monday, but hey... It's only four or five days, right? (Is it terrible that I'm hoping I can pick up an open wireless signal somewhere in our building? If not, I'll likely be making the occasional evening trip to Starbucks to keep up on my emails.)
Tonight I'll also be making a trip to the library (my roommate has books to return) and to the bank, and to some sort of store (any store really) to pick up a roll or two of packing tape. Oh, and after we take a load of boxes and stuff over to the new place, I'll also be spending a bit of time progressing on the packing in our old place.
I'm not actually stressed about the process of moving. At the moment I'm feeling like we have that well in hand. I think I'm simply reacting to the stress of transition. I think I've told this story here before, but I had an adventure-loving friend once ask me, "Don't you ever just feel like you have to get out of your comfort zone?" My answer? A resounding, "NO!" Usually, many months after the transition, I begin to be grateful for it. But mostly, I'm not a fan. I like a pretty staid, boring, routine life. It makes me happy. And so, last night, I was awake much of the night, with the thoughts of transition running through my head.
Like I said, these days I'm thankful that I can recognize the fears and lies. That I can identify them. And I'm praying for the day when they simply won't be there anymore.
From Henri again...
continuing some of the thoughts from Henri Nouwen that I've shared the last few days...
Flesh Become Word
The word must become flesh, but the flesh also must become word. It is not enough for us, as human beings, just to live. We also must give words to what we are living. If we do not speak what we are living, our lives lose their vitality and creativity. When we see a beautiful view, we search for words to express what we are seeing. When we meet a caring person, we want to speak about that meeting. When we are sorrowful or in great pain, we need to talk about it. When we are surprised by joy, we want to announce it!
Through the word, we appropriate and internalize what we are living. The word makes our experience truly human.
Flesh Become Word
The word must become flesh, but the flesh also must become word. It is not enough for us, as human beings, just to live. We also must give words to what we are living. If we do not speak what we are living, our lives lose their vitality and creativity. When we see a beautiful view, we search for words to express what we are seeing. When we meet a caring person, we want to speak about that meeting. When we are sorrowful or in great pain, we need to talk about it. When we are surprised by joy, we want to announce it!
Through the word, we appropriate and internalize what we are living. The word makes our experience truly human.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Divorce
I'm going somewhere on Sunday to get a divorce. I don't know where yet. It'll depend on how much energy I have after moving, and whether George is feeling cooperative. I know where I'd like to go... but we'll see...
oh, right, you have no idea what I'm talking about.
Well, I can't quite go into all the details... too much personal struggle and pain tied up in this mess.
Remember how I read the book "Angry Conversations With God" by Susan Isaacs? I just finished listening to it in audio form this afternoon. The book in both forms has been profoundly used by God on my already rather bruised heart the last few weeks.
The passage below should explain, at least a little, my plan for Sunday. (Though I'll be going alone...)
I began my couples counseling with God in the fall of 2003. A year later, God walked out. It took me nearly six months of further counseling, but in the spring of 2005, I walked back into Rudy's office with my decision.
Susan: I've thought a lot about the cost. I've come to a decision. I want a divorce.
Rudy was taken aback for a moment.
Susan: I can't ask the real God back until I've divorced my old gods: the drill-sergeant Father, the wimpy Jesus, the drive-by Holy Spirit. They're not real anyway.
Rudy: You realize you'll have to accept the real God on God's terms?
Susan: Yes. I'll have to love him for himself, not for his money or what he can do for me.
Rudy: You know, most married couples hit a stage of profound disillusionment. Most of them quit. But the ones who work through it reach a whole new level of love. And I think you're going to have that.
Susan: Okay, then, divorce me. But wait!
Rudy: What?
Susan: I just had this horrible vision of God "blessing" me with another life-torching hardship.
Rudy: Stop it! That's no second-honeymoon gift... But if he does bring another hardship your way, it will be for a good reason, and you'll know the reason. Right? Stop cringing!
Susan: Okay. Let's do this.
Rudy prayed over me. He prayed that I would let go of the old gods and allow room for the real God. He prayed that when the exes came knocking at my door (and they would, because they don't give up easily), I'd recognize them for who they were: ciphers of my old distorted imagination. And then he prayed that I would learn to recognize the real God. That I would trust him.
Rudy: By the power vested in me by the state of grace, you are officially divorced from your wimpy jackass fake gods.
I sat still for a moment
Rudy: That's okay. Just take a moment; then ask him back.
I'd been on a few silent retreats where you don't talk all weekend. The first couple of hours were always torture. But by the end, I found so much beauty in the silence that I hated breaking it with words. (Although I got over it.) That's how I felt now. Sure, I'd cried to God along; I'd even sensed his anger or sorrow. And then I'd heard him speak my name. I didn't want to sully the moment with my own imaginings. Yet I had to take the risk. After all, it was when I dared to imagine that I sensed God enjoying me.
An image came to my mind: I was walking along the bluffs toward the beach. There were flowers along the path, but the sky was in shadow, the flowers were muted, like there was a severe solar eclipse. I kept walking toward the beach and, I guessed, toward God? Soon I walked past the line where the eclipse ended. Everything beyond was full of light and color: not some fake, Thomas Kinkade neon, but real color, real light. Real water. And there, on the beach, stood my husband. My Maker. The Lover of my soul.
Rudy didn't know why I was crying. But I could see them - the Trinity. I could feel their embrace, all three of them. Don't ask me what they looked like. I wasn't looking. You only need to see blue once to know what blue looks like.
Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me. See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come. (Song of Songs 2:10-12)
(Angry Conversations with God, pgs. 235-237)
oh, right, you have no idea what I'm talking about.
Well, I can't quite go into all the details... too much personal struggle and pain tied up in this mess.
Remember how I read the book "Angry Conversations With God" by Susan Isaacs? I just finished listening to it in audio form this afternoon. The book in both forms has been profoundly used by God on my already rather bruised heart the last few weeks.
The passage below should explain, at least a little, my plan for Sunday. (Though I'll be going alone...)
I began my couples counseling with God in the fall of 2003. A year later, God walked out. It took me nearly six months of further counseling, but in the spring of 2005, I walked back into Rudy's office with my decision.
Susan: I've thought a lot about the cost. I've come to a decision. I want a divorce.
Rudy was taken aback for a moment.
Susan: I can't ask the real God back until I've divorced my old gods: the drill-sergeant Father, the wimpy Jesus, the drive-by Holy Spirit. They're not real anyway.
Rudy: You realize you'll have to accept the real God on God's terms?
Susan: Yes. I'll have to love him for himself, not for his money or what he can do for me.
Rudy: You know, most married couples hit a stage of profound disillusionment. Most of them quit. But the ones who work through it reach a whole new level of love. And I think you're going to have that.
Susan: Okay, then, divorce me. But wait!
Rudy: What?
Susan: I just had this horrible vision of God "blessing" me with another life-torching hardship.
Rudy: Stop it! That's no second-honeymoon gift... But if he does bring another hardship your way, it will be for a good reason, and you'll know the reason. Right? Stop cringing!
Susan: Okay. Let's do this.
Rudy prayed over me. He prayed that I would let go of the old gods and allow room for the real God. He prayed that when the exes came knocking at my door (and they would, because they don't give up easily), I'd recognize them for who they were: ciphers of my old distorted imagination. And then he prayed that I would learn to recognize the real God. That I would trust him.
Rudy: By the power vested in me by the state of grace, you are officially divorced from your wimpy jackass fake gods.
I sat still for a moment
Rudy: That's okay. Just take a moment; then ask him back.
I'd been on a few silent retreats where you don't talk all weekend. The first couple of hours were always torture. But by the end, I found so much beauty in the silence that I hated breaking it with words. (Although I got over it.) That's how I felt now. Sure, I'd cried to God along; I'd even sensed his anger or sorrow. And then I'd heard him speak my name. I didn't want to sully the moment with my own imaginings. Yet I had to take the risk. After all, it was when I dared to imagine that I sensed God enjoying me.
An image came to my mind: I was walking along the bluffs toward the beach. There were flowers along the path, but the sky was in shadow, the flowers were muted, like there was a severe solar eclipse. I kept walking toward the beach and, I guessed, toward God? Soon I walked past the line where the eclipse ended. Everything beyond was full of light and color: not some fake, Thomas Kinkade neon, but real color, real light. Real water. And there, on the beach, stood my husband. My Maker. The Lover of my soul.
Rudy didn't know why I was crying. But I could see them - the Trinity. I could feel their embrace, all three of them. Don't ask me what they looked like. I wasn't looking. You only need to see blue once to know what blue looks like.
Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me. See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come. (Song of Songs 2:10-12)
(Angry Conversations with God, pgs. 235-237)
These hit hard...
I'm walking through a lot of deeply personal stuff these days. Thoughts that may one day make their way in some form or other to this blog, but for the moment carry with them much uncertainty, anger, and pain. I've been feeling stretched past the limits again, and nearly unable to pray.
Anne Lamott wrote that the one prayer God always answers is, "Help!" I told a friend this morning that I was hoping that that is true, as it's about all I can manage to pray right now.
The following two quotes, one that was waiting in my inbox from Henri Nouwen, and one that was waiting on my desk in the calendar given to me by a dear friend, both struck my heart deeply today, for similar and different reasons.
From Henri:
Words That Come From the Heart
Words that do not become flesh in us remain "just words." They have no power to affect our lives. If someone says, "I love you," without any deep emotion, the words do more harm than good. But if these same words are spoken from the heart, they can create new life.
It is important that we keep in touch with the source of our words. Our great temptation is to become "pleasers," people who say the right words to please others but whose words have no roots in their interior lives. We have to keep making sure our words are rooted in our hearts. The best way to do that is in prayerful silence.
From the calendar:
"If you cannot pray by effort, then you will pray by endurance. In such an extremity, turn your face toward the Blessed Virgin, or toward any of the saints. Beg them to make your prayer for you, or to grant you some share in that prayer which they utter forever in heaven." (Saint Jane Frances de Chantal)
Anne Lamott wrote that the one prayer God always answers is, "Help!" I told a friend this morning that I was hoping that that is true, as it's about all I can manage to pray right now.
The following two quotes, one that was waiting in my inbox from Henri Nouwen, and one that was waiting on my desk in the calendar given to me by a dear friend, both struck my heart deeply today, for similar and different reasons.
From Henri:
Words That Come From the Heart
Words that do not become flesh in us remain "just words." They have no power to affect our lives. If someone says, "I love you," without any deep emotion, the words do more harm than good. But if these same words are spoken from the heart, they can create new life.
It is important that we keep in touch with the source of our words. Our great temptation is to become "pleasers," people who say the right words to please others but whose words have no roots in their interior lives. We have to keep making sure our words are rooted in our hearts. The best way to do that is in prayerful silence.
From the calendar:
"If you cannot pray by effort, then you will pray by endurance. In such an extremity, turn your face toward the Blessed Virgin, or toward any of the saints. Beg them to make your prayer for you, or to grant you some share in that prayer which they utter forever in heaven." (Saint Jane Frances de Chantal)
From Henri...
a few thoughts from Henri Nouwen that have once again been collecting in my inbox...
The Fruit of the Spirit
How does the Spirit of God manifest itself through us? Often we think that to witness means to speak up in defense of God. This idea can make us very self-conscious. We wonder where and how we can make God the topic of our conversations and how to convince our families, friends, neighbors, and colleagues of God's presence in their lives. But this explicit missionary endeavour often comes from an insecure heart and, therefore, easily creates divisions.
The way God's Spirit manifests itself most convincingly is through its fruits: "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, trustfulness, gentleness and self-control" (Galatians 5:22). These fruits speak for themselves. It is therefore always better to raise the question "How can I grow in the Spirit?" than the question "How can I make others believe in the Spirit?"
Right Living and Right Speaking
To be a witness for God is to be a living sign of God's presence in the world. What we live is more important than what we say, because the right way of living always leads to the right way of speaking. When we forgive our neighbours from our hearts, our hearts will speak forgiving words. When we are grateful, we will speak grateful words, and when we are hopeful and joyful, we will speak hopeful and joyful words.
When our words come too soon and we are not yet living what we are saying, we easily give double messages. Giving double messages - one with our words and another with our actions - makes us hypocrites. May our lives give us the right words and may our words lead us to the right life.
Growing into the Truth We Speak
Can we only speak when we are fully living what we are saying? If all our words had to cover all our actions, we would be doomed to permanent silence! Sometimes we are called to proclaim God's love even when we are not yet fully able to live it. Does that mean we are hypocrites? Only when our own words no longer call us to conversion. Nobody completely lives up to his or her own ideals and visions. But by proclaiming our ideals and visions with great conviction and great humility, we may gradually grow into the truth we speak. As long as we know that our lives always will speak louder than our words, we can trust that our words will remain humble.
Words That Become Flesh
Words are important. Without them our actions lose meaning. And without meaning we cannot live. Words can offer perspective, insight, understanding, and vision. Words can bring consolation, comfort, encouragement and hope. Words can take away fear, isolation, shame, and guilt. Words can reconcile, unite, forgive, and heal. Words can bring peace and joy, inner freedom and deep gratitude. Words, in short, can carry love on their wings. A word of love can be the greatest act of love. That is because when our words become flesh in our own lives and the lives of others, we can change the world.
Jesus is the word made flesh. In him speaking and acting were one.
The Fruit of the Spirit
How does the Spirit of God manifest itself through us? Often we think that to witness means to speak up in defense of God. This idea can make us very self-conscious. We wonder where and how we can make God the topic of our conversations and how to convince our families, friends, neighbors, and colleagues of God's presence in their lives. But this explicit missionary endeavour often comes from an insecure heart and, therefore, easily creates divisions.
The way God's Spirit manifests itself most convincingly is through its fruits: "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, trustfulness, gentleness and self-control" (Galatians 5:22). These fruits speak for themselves. It is therefore always better to raise the question "How can I grow in the Spirit?" than the question "How can I make others believe in the Spirit?"
Right Living and Right Speaking
To be a witness for God is to be a living sign of God's presence in the world. What we live is more important than what we say, because the right way of living always leads to the right way of speaking. When we forgive our neighbours from our hearts, our hearts will speak forgiving words. When we are grateful, we will speak grateful words, and when we are hopeful and joyful, we will speak hopeful and joyful words.
When our words come too soon and we are not yet living what we are saying, we easily give double messages. Giving double messages - one with our words and another with our actions - makes us hypocrites. May our lives give us the right words and may our words lead us to the right life.
Growing into the Truth We Speak
Can we only speak when we are fully living what we are saying? If all our words had to cover all our actions, we would be doomed to permanent silence! Sometimes we are called to proclaim God's love even when we are not yet fully able to live it. Does that mean we are hypocrites? Only when our own words no longer call us to conversion. Nobody completely lives up to his or her own ideals and visions. But by proclaiming our ideals and visions with great conviction and great humility, we may gradually grow into the truth we speak. As long as we know that our lives always will speak louder than our words, we can trust that our words will remain humble.
Words That Become Flesh
Words are important. Without them our actions lose meaning. And without meaning we cannot live. Words can offer perspective, insight, understanding, and vision. Words can bring consolation, comfort, encouragement and hope. Words can take away fear, isolation, shame, and guilt. Words can reconcile, unite, forgive, and heal. Words can bring peace and joy, inner freedom and deep gratitude. Words, in short, can carry love on their wings. A word of love can be the greatest act of love. That is because when our words become flesh in our own lives and the lives of others, we can change the world.
Jesus is the word made flesh. In him speaking and acting were one.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Conglomeration
I didn't sob when my mom showed up and hugged me.
I did cry again once she left.
I'm probably 60% packed now. The vast majority of my possessions are books, and we packed about 18 boxes worth of those tonight, powering quickly through three large bookshelves and one small one.
In my head I'm feeling less stressed about this move than I was earlier. But the rest of me hasn't caught on yet.
I think we're taking possession of the new place on Wednesday night, and will move a load or two that night, and another load or two on Thursday night.
I follow a blog with photos of Rome, and came across this post the other night. If memory serves, it's taken very near where we stayed in Rome, and, despite the many things that have come from that trip, it was somehow a hopeful thing for me to see. A hopeful memory.
I've also been following my friend LP/CA's updates on her current travels. Looking at her photos and hearing her stories have once again re-awakened my travel itch. I think I'll just tuck myself into her carry-on bag the next time she travels and tag along! Or maybe I'll spring for an airplane ticket!
I'm tentatively hoping to get outside of the city on Sunday, post moving crazyness. I'm feeling the smothering of the city again, and need to find some time alone and away from Calgary for a few hours. I'm not sure George is up to it, but I think I'll head out anyway.
And with that, I think I'm going to curl up for a while and read some Psalms, and maybe journal just a bit. The tears are still flowing every few minutes, and I need to rest. I think I'll be in bed within the hour.
I did cry again once she left.
I'm probably 60% packed now. The vast majority of my possessions are books, and we packed about 18 boxes worth of those tonight, powering quickly through three large bookshelves and one small one.
In my head I'm feeling less stressed about this move than I was earlier. But the rest of me hasn't caught on yet.
I think we're taking possession of the new place on Wednesday night, and will move a load or two that night, and another load or two on Thursday night.
I follow a blog with photos of Rome, and came across this post the other night. If memory serves, it's taken very near where we stayed in Rome, and, despite the many things that have come from that trip, it was somehow a hopeful thing for me to see. A hopeful memory.
I've also been following my friend LP/CA's updates on her current travels. Looking at her photos and hearing her stories have once again re-awakened my travel itch. I think I'll just tuck myself into her carry-on bag the next time she travels and tag along! Or maybe I'll spring for an airplane ticket!
I'm tentatively hoping to get outside of the city on Sunday, post moving crazyness. I'm feeling the smothering of the city again, and need to find some time alone and away from Calgary for a few hours. I'm not sure George is up to it, but I think I'll head out anyway.
And with that, I think I'm going to curl up for a while and read some Psalms, and maybe journal just a bit. The tears are still flowing every few minutes, and I need to rest. I think I'll be in bed within the hour.
Meltdown
My mom called me mid-afternoon today, and I lost it. Just melted into a puddle of sobs right there where I was sitting. It's been building for a while, the combination of exhaustion and stress and loneliness. And, upon hearing my mom's voice, after just completing a particularly trying call with a utility company, I couldn't contain it any more.
(And, just as an aside, no matter how good they make it sound, don't EVER use Telus TV. Their service is less than stellar and has quite a few hidden stipulations that are currently making my moving life even more complicated than it needs to be.)
I cried for quite a while, and the tears are still very close to the surface (so close they well up behind my eyes if I even admit that they're there.)
Mom is coming over shortly to spend an hour helping me pack. An hour is all I have the energy for. My throat is still sore, I'm still feeling quite listless, I've got a headache, and I'm fairly certain I'm also running a fever.
I'm pretty sure I'll melt again as soon as I see her. But the plus side is that I'll get to collect a hug. I haven't had enough of those lately. And the people I'd really like to collect them from live too far away for that to be a regular occurrence, so I'll take what I can get.
(And, just as an aside, no matter how good they make it sound, don't EVER use Telus TV. Their service is less than stellar and has quite a few hidden stipulations that are currently making my moving life even more complicated than it needs to be.)
I cried for quite a while, and the tears are still very close to the surface (so close they well up behind my eyes if I even admit that they're there.)
Mom is coming over shortly to spend an hour helping me pack. An hour is all I have the energy for. My throat is still sore, I'm still feeling quite listless, I've got a headache, and I'm fairly certain I'm also running a fever.
I'm pretty sure I'll melt again as soon as I see her. But the plus side is that I'll get to collect a hug. I haven't had enough of those lately. And the people I'd really like to collect them from live too far away for that to be a regular occurrence, so I'll take what I can get.
Horizontal
I went to work for an hour this morning, to take care of some things that absolutely had to be done today.
The cold/flu symptoms I was experiencing yesterday seem to have intensified overnight.
I'm spending the rest of the day horizontal, in my nice dark bedroom, either sleeping, or just waking from sleep, or just going back to sleep.
More thoughts later, perhaps, when I'm concious.
The cold/flu symptoms I was experiencing yesterday seem to have intensified overnight.
I'm spending the rest of the day horizontal, in my nice dark bedroom, either sleeping, or just waking from sleep, or just going back to sleep.
More thoughts later, perhaps, when I'm concious.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Pity, party of one...
I'm laying here having a little tiny pity party.
I'm a terrible sick person. And when I'm overly tired it's worse.
So, I'm laying here feeling sorry for myself.
I'm thinking about the fact that June has presented certain challenges for the last several years. Challenges where the pace of transition in my life has stepped up dramatically, creating in my heart the need for greater time alone, or with those who know the deep places in my heart. Usually June prevents either, and I become crankier and crankier, and then I become ill.
Ill is arriving right on schedule.
I'm going to somehow have to find a significant chunk of time to get away alone. In a time when that time alone isn't taking away from a thousand other things that need to be done. And preferably not on an evening, when I need to be thinking about the fact that the next day I'll need energy for work.
Unfortunately, once we finally move, the first weekend will be taken up with a wedding... and the inevitable time necessary for settling in to a new home.
So, just at this moment, I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself. It seems one set of symptoms had only begun to clear up (and has since returned) and I got hit with another one. And somehow, despite the fact that each of the things I did this weekend were at least somewhat enjoyable, together they've managed to destroy my energy reserves.
I'm musing about things like the fact that a normal person would just go to bed right now, but, because of my disturbed sleep abilities, I daren't go to bed this early unless I want to be wide awake at 2:00 tomorrow morning, and on into the rest of the day. (Can I just say that that thought isn't really doing anything to add cheerfulness to my disposition either?)
I'm lonely too. Missing some of the people with whom my heart connects most deeply.
I'm watching my own temper closely too. The little pet peeves are seeming bigger in the face of exhaustion, illness, and too many people. I think I've successfully managed to keep from lashing out at anyone, but I'm not loving the attitudes I'm finding within myself.
So, I'm off to have a shower, and maybe read in bed. Or maybe I'll just start packing boxes. I definitely can't stay on the couch... wedding central has returned, re-invaded, and I'm off to find some quiet.
I'm a terrible sick person. And when I'm overly tired it's worse.
So, I'm laying here feeling sorry for myself.
I'm thinking about the fact that June has presented certain challenges for the last several years. Challenges where the pace of transition in my life has stepped up dramatically, creating in my heart the need for greater time alone, or with those who know the deep places in my heart. Usually June prevents either, and I become crankier and crankier, and then I become ill.
Ill is arriving right on schedule.
I'm going to somehow have to find a significant chunk of time to get away alone. In a time when that time alone isn't taking away from a thousand other things that need to be done. And preferably not on an evening, when I need to be thinking about the fact that the next day I'll need energy for work.
Unfortunately, once we finally move, the first weekend will be taken up with a wedding... and the inevitable time necessary for settling in to a new home.
So, just at this moment, I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself. It seems one set of symptoms had only begun to clear up (and has since returned) and I got hit with another one. And somehow, despite the fact that each of the things I did this weekend were at least somewhat enjoyable, together they've managed to destroy my energy reserves.
I'm musing about things like the fact that a normal person would just go to bed right now, but, because of my disturbed sleep abilities, I daren't go to bed this early unless I want to be wide awake at 2:00 tomorrow morning, and on into the rest of the day. (Can I just say that that thought isn't really doing anything to add cheerfulness to my disposition either?)
I'm lonely too. Missing some of the people with whom my heart connects most deeply.
I'm watching my own temper closely too. The little pet peeves are seeming bigger in the face of exhaustion, illness, and too many people. I think I've successfully managed to keep from lashing out at anyone, but I'm not loving the attitudes I'm finding within myself.
So, I'm off to have a shower, and maybe read in bed. Or maybe I'll just start packing boxes. I definitely can't stay on the couch... wedding central has returned, re-invaded, and I'm off to find some quiet.
Worse for wear...
It has been a long day (and it's only 5:30ish).
I treated myself to Macdonalds for breakfast on the way to church this morning. Not something I do often, but worth it for the treat and pick me up I needed.
Then church. Lots of pictures from my parents trip.
Steak lunch at their house afterwards to celebrate father's day. A few gag gifts and funny cards. Lots of laughing and visiting.
But somewhere along the way I started to get sick. I've got a pretty sore throat, and the muscles in my neck, back and shoulders are badly acting up again.
I mowed the front lawn, but not the back one when we finally got home.
And then I promptly put my pajamas on and collapsed on the couch with a wheat bag around my neck and another on my lower back. I'm not moving unless I have to for the rest of the evening. With the possible exception of a hot shower. And maybe a little bit of tidying, sorting or packing. There are a few things I need to accomplish (like list-making) that can be done while I'm laying here. But mostly, I'm going to watch M*A*S*H*, catch up on a few emails, and maybe read a little... and rest.
I treated myself to Macdonalds for breakfast on the way to church this morning. Not something I do often, but worth it for the treat and pick me up I needed.
Then church. Lots of pictures from my parents trip.
Steak lunch at their house afterwards to celebrate father's day. A few gag gifts and funny cards. Lots of laughing and visiting.
But somewhere along the way I started to get sick. I've got a pretty sore throat, and the muscles in my neck, back and shoulders are badly acting up again.
I mowed the front lawn, but not the back one when we finally got home.
And then I promptly put my pajamas on and collapsed on the couch with a wheat bag around my neck and another on my lower back. I'm not moving unless I have to for the rest of the evening. With the possible exception of a hot shower. And maybe a little bit of tidying, sorting or packing. There are a few things I need to accomplish (like list-making) that can be done while I'm laying here. But mostly, I'm going to watch M*A*S*H*, catch up on a few emails, and maybe read a little... and rest.
Sunday Morning Again...
In an hour I'll leave for church. Not the church I'd prefer to attend, but the church I grew up in.
My parents are speaking about their recent ministry trip to Africa, and that somewhat necessitates my presence.
Hopefully a few of the people with whom I've always had good relationships will be there, letting me at least visit and catch up with them.
Then, this afternoon, after church I'll be at Mom and Dad's house, celebrating Father's Day.
Father's Day is always a bit hard on my heart. My relationship with my dad, though a bit better in recent months, has always been a challenging one. My relationship with a heavenly father is so mixed up at times in my relationship with my earthly one.
I bought a father's day card recently. It was awfully hard to find an appropriate one, and I went with the fallback of a humorous one. It was the most appropriate to our relationship.
Anyway... time to find clothing to replace my pajamas, and breakfast.
My parents are speaking about their recent ministry trip to Africa, and that somewhat necessitates my presence.
Hopefully a few of the people with whom I've always had good relationships will be there, letting me at least visit and catch up with them.
Then, this afternoon, after church I'll be at Mom and Dad's house, celebrating Father's Day.
Father's Day is always a bit hard on my heart. My relationship with my dad, though a bit better in recent months, has always been a challenging one. My relationship with a heavenly father is so mixed up at times in my relationship with my earthly one.
I bought a father's day card recently. It was awfully hard to find an appropriate one, and I went with the fallback of a humorous one. It was the most appropriate to our relationship.
Anyway... time to find clothing to replace my pajamas, and breakfast.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
News...
A few headlines catching my attention tonight...
US Girl Burnt in Voodoo Ritual
Huge Blaze Leaves One Dead After CN Train Derails Near Chicago
UN Calls for Peru Clash Probe
US Girl Burnt in Voodoo Ritual
Huge Blaze Leaves One Dead After CN Train Derails Near Chicago
UN Calls for Peru Clash Probe
We treasure what you end...
I read this prayer by Walter Bruggemann this morning, and it touched me deeply. Particularly the lines about being of two minds - treasuring what is ending and fearing the new things God is bringing. And yet, my heart, as with this prayer, cries out to trust God still...
"We treasure what you end"
We confess that we are set this day in the midst
of your awesome, awful work.
We will, because we have no alternative,
be present this day
to your dreadful work of termination.
We watch while you pull down
and dismantle
that with which you are finished.
We will, because we have no alternative,
be present this day
to your dream-filled work
of evoking,
imagining,
forming,
and inviting.
We are double-minded in your presence,
because we treasure what you end
and we fear what you conjure -
but we are your people
and trust you all this day
in your awesome,
awful work.
Override our reluctance
and take us with you
in justice
and mercy
and peace.
Take us with you in your overriding,
that our day may be a day of joy
and well-being
and newness
from your very hand.
In the name of your decisive newness,
even Jesus. Amen.
"We treasure what you end"
We confess that we are set this day in the midst
of your awesome, awful work.
We will, because we have no alternative,
be present this day
to your dreadful work of termination.
We watch while you pull down
and dismantle
that with which you are finished.
We will, because we have no alternative,
be present this day
to your dream-filled work
of evoking,
imagining,
forming,
and inviting.
We are double-minded in your presence,
because we treasure what you end
and we fear what you conjure -
but we are your people
and trust you all this day
in your awesome,
awful work.
Override our reluctance
and take us with you
in justice
and mercy
and peace.
Take us with you in your overriding,
that our day may be a day of joy
and well-being
and newness
from your very hand.
In the name of your decisive newness,
even Jesus. Amen.
Ongoing themes...
The same things have been popping up over and over again in my life the last few weeks. Variations on only a very few themes. In the places in my heart that the books I've been reading and listening to touch. In the conversations I've had. In the things that have caused my heart to ache, or the moments when I've felt profoundly out of place.
I'll be sitting later this morning with a journal, working through just a few of the most recent of those variations on the themes.
It always surprises me to find life deeply, fully, weirdly interconnected. To find how few themes seem to underlay the many moments that make up my days.
And so, I'll work through more of those moments in writing later, and share them with a few dear friends to garner other thoughts and prayers and aid the process of processing. To gather sight from outside my field of vision.
But, just in this moment, I need to change from my pajamas, do something about my hair and get ready to head out the door. My roommate and I are going to try a new crepe restaurant. We've been meaning to try it for months as a celebration of sorts. The moment we were celebrating came and went nearly a month and a half ago, but is still an excellent excuse to have an indulgent breakfast, followed by a bit of shopping.
I'll be sitting later this morning with a journal, working through just a few of the most recent of those variations on the themes.
It always surprises me to find life deeply, fully, weirdly interconnected. To find how few themes seem to underlay the many moments that make up my days.
And so, I'll work through more of those moments in writing later, and share them with a few dear friends to garner other thoughts and prayers and aid the process of processing. To gather sight from outside my field of vision.
But, just in this moment, I need to change from my pajamas, do something about my hair and get ready to head out the door. My roommate and I are going to try a new crepe restaurant. We've been meaning to try it for months as a celebration of sorts. The moment we were celebrating came and went nearly a month and a half ago, but is still an excellent excuse to have an indulgent breakfast, followed by a bit of shopping.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Finished
The bed is disassembled.
The mattress is back in my bedroom, and there is bedding back on it so I have a place to sleep tonight.
I have an invitation to join some very good friends for the evening. I'm waiting to see if my roommate wants to take along.
I'd like to see them I think. The one friend I've been trying to connect with for weeks now, and it would be great to see him. And time hanging with him and his roommates and whoever else has showed up is always full of laughter and fun. And, since the rest of my plans for the weekend have basically fallen through, it sounds like it wouldn't be such a bad thing to join them for a few hours, even if it does mean driving across the city.
And then, then I think I'll spend at least part of tomorrow putting books in boxes. And wrapping breakable items in newspaper and putting them in boxes as well.
The mattress is back in my bedroom, and there is bedding back on it so I have a place to sleep tonight.
I have an invitation to join some very good friends for the evening. I'm waiting to see if my roommate wants to take along.
I'd like to see them I think. The one friend I've been trying to connect with for weeks now, and it would be great to see him. And time hanging with him and his roommates and whoever else has showed up is always full of laughter and fun. And, since the rest of my plans for the weekend have basically fallen through, it sounds like it wouldn't be such a bad thing to join them for a few hours, even if it does mean driving across the city.
And then, then I think I'll spend at least part of tomorrow putting books in boxes. And wrapping breakable items in newspaper and putting them in boxes as well.
Mid stream
I've stopped for a few minutes to eat dinner.
I managed to accomplish the things that needed to be done in order for my bed to be disassembled and picked up tonight.
The plan is to make a true dent in the packing this weekend.
And later, later I just might go to Ikea's midnight madness sale - just for something fun to do, since I love Ikea.
The weekend that I thought would be quite full is turning out to be quite empty. So I may actually make that dent. Or I may make it to finding some time off alone by myself somewhere to think and read and write and pray.
I managed to accomplish the things that needed to be done in order for my bed to be disassembled and picked up tonight.
The plan is to make a true dent in the packing this weekend.
And later, later I just might go to Ikea's midnight madness sale - just for something fun to do, since I love Ikea.
The weekend that I thought would be quite full is turning out to be quite empty. So I may actually make that dent. Or I may make it to finding some time off alone by myself somewhere to think and read and write and pray.
Where credit is due...
My first thought upon waking this morning was "Thank you God." It's a nice first thought to have.
After several very restless, pain filled, and mostly sleepless nights, I was praying prayers of desperation as I fell asleep last night, knowing my body (and by extension my mind and emotions) badly needed the restorative nature of a full night of sleep. I have to say that I don't always stop to give credit where credit is due, and that sometimes I wonder if God really cares about all the petty little things we pray about, but this morning, on waking, all I could think was "Thank you." Because there was no reason other than the blessing of a caring Father that I should have slept.
I read the following passage from Philippians 4 just before I went to bed last night, and found it's simplicity in the call to prayer and peace encouraging:
Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
(Philippians 4:6-7 NLT)
"Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace." How very simple and non-formulaic. And yet, last night, I know without doubt that God heard my request (as well as some prayers of thanksgiving) and offered peace and rest in the form of a full night's sleep.
And it really has helped with perspective. For the first time all week I'm feeling physically much better - not nauseaous, and mostly pain free. And emotionally stable, instead of strung out, hormonal, and wondering what sort of wild ride through the stuff of life the day will bring.
I listened to the first album my friend Karla Adolphe recorded as I drove to work this morning. Her lyrics (particularly the song "Jude") also touched raw places in me and brought peace.
And now, now I'm at the office, and preparing to start the day. I'm wearing jeans - which is always a good thing. I'm off to make tea and toast with peanut butter (I'm in one of those odd phases my body hits where I crave protein.) I have a plan for the day (well, mostly for the after work portion of the day, since work is nearly always completely unpredictable), and I know how I'm going to execute the plan. That, I have to say, also adds to my sense of peace.
After several very restless, pain filled, and mostly sleepless nights, I was praying prayers of desperation as I fell asleep last night, knowing my body (and by extension my mind and emotions) badly needed the restorative nature of a full night of sleep. I have to say that I don't always stop to give credit where credit is due, and that sometimes I wonder if God really cares about all the petty little things we pray about, but this morning, on waking, all I could think was "Thank you." Because there was no reason other than the blessing of a caring Father that I should have slept.
I read the following passage from Philippians 4 just before I went to bed last night, and found it's simplicity in the call to prayer and peace encouraging:
Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
(Philippians 4:6-7 NLT)
"Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace." How very simple and non-formulaic. And yet, last night, I know without doubt that God heard my request (as well as some prayers of thanksgiving) and offered peace and rest in the form of a full night's sleep.
And it really has helped with perspective. For the first time all week I'm feeling physically much better - not nauseaous, and mostly pain free. And emotionally stable, instead of strung out, hormonal, and wondering what sort of wild ride through the stuff of life the day will bring.
I listened to the first album my friend Karla Adolphe recorded as I drove to work this morning. Her lyrics (particularly the song "Jude") also touched raw places in me and brought peace.
And now, now I'm at the office, and preparing to start the day. I'm wearing jeans - which is always a good thing. I'm off to make tea and toast with peanut butter (I'm in one of those odd phases my body hits where I crave protein.) I have a plan for the day (well, mostly for the after work portion of the day, since work is nearly always completely unpredictable), and I know how I'm going to execute the plan. That, I have to say, also adds to my sense of peace.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Ongoing thoughts...
I'm still struggling with some health problems. They're not unexpected, or even concerning - more the result of some medication changes that my body is taking a while to adapt to - but they are a bit of a nuisance. I haven't been feeling well, I've been having some problems with pain, and it's affecting my sleep (which had been finally semi-regular and semi-controlled). I'm praying that they will settle out shortly, and that tonight I will be able to rest deeply.
I had dinner and did an errand with a friend tonight. Yet another shifting relationship, and one I'm struggling with in some ways. It seems so much exists beneath the surface, left unsaid. It was a very controlled conversation, with her avoiding the unsaid things, and me steering the conversation away from those topics that cause the areas wounded by the unacknowledged things to ache.
Then home, and the first official bit of packing. I've sold my bed frame to a coworker, who wants it for her son's bedroom. She and her husband will be coming tomorrow night to take it apart and take it home with them. Which means I needed to empty it of the clothes and books and things I'd stored within it. So I packed, and I have a bit more to do before they arrive tomorrow evening.
It will, I think, be a full weekend. More full than I'd prefer, and likely not all that restful. But I'm hoping to find a few moments for rest, or a little bit of time to sneak away by myself and simply be. I rather desperately need to find time to simply breathe. I desperately need to encounter Jesus and let his peace envelope me again.
And with that, I'm off very soon to bed.
I had dinner and did an errand with a friend tonight. Yet another shifting relationship, and one I'm struggling with in some ways. It seems so much exists beneath the surface, left unsaid. It was a very controlled conversation, with her avoiding the unsaid things, and me steering the conversation away from those topics that cause the areas wounded by the unacknowledged things to ache.
Then home, and the first official bit of packing. I've sold my bed frame to a coworker, who wants it for her son's bedroom. She and her husband will be coming tomorrow night to take it apart and take it home with them. Which means I needed to empty it of the clothes and books and things I'd stored within it. So I packed, and I have a bit more to do before they arrive tomorrow evening.
It will, I think, be a full weekend. More full than I'd prefer, and likely not all that restful. But I'm hoping to find a few moments for rest, or a little bit of time to sneak away by myself and simply be. I rather desperately need to find time to simply breathe. I desperately need to encounter Jesus and let his peace envelope me again.
And with that, I'm off very soon to bed.
From the calendar today...
Another quote from the calendar that sits on my desk - a gift from a dear friend.
"Dear Lord, I do not ask to see the path. In darkness, in anguish and in fear, I will hang on tightly to your hand, and I will close my eyes, so that you know how much trust I place in you, Spouse of my soul." (Blessed Maria Elizabetta Hesselblad)
"Dear Lord, I do not ask to see the path. In darkness, in anguish and in fear, I will hang on tightly to your hand, and I will close my eyes, so that you know how much trust I place in you, Spouse of my soul." (Blessed Maria Elizabetta Hesselblad)
Not at our beck and call
As planned, I closed last evening with more of the prayers of Walter Bruggemann. As anticipated, they spoke again to and from the deep places of my life. And I have another to share with you this morning, as I head (with exhaustion) into what promises to be a very busy day.
Not at our beck and call
We call out your name in as many ways as we can.
We fix your role towards us in the way we need.
We approach you from the particular angle of our life.
We do all that, not because you need to be identified,
but because of our deep need,
our deep wound,
our deep hope.
And then, we are astonished that while our names for you
serve for a moment,
you break beyond them in your freedom,
you show yourself yet fresh beyond our utterance,
you retreat into your splendor beyond our grasp.
We are - by your freedom and your hiddenness -
made sure yet again that you are God...
beyond us, for us, but beyond us,
not at our beck and call,
but always in your own way.
We stammer about your identity,
only to learn that it is our own unsettling
before you that wants naming.
Beyone all our explaining and capturing and fixing you...
we give you praise,
we thank you for your fleshed presence in suffering love,
and for our names that you give us. Amen.
(From "Awed to Heaven, Rooted in Earth" by Walter Bruggemann)
Not at our beck and call
We call out your name in as many ways as we can.
We fix your role towards us in the way we need.
We approach you from the particular angle of our life.
We do all that, not because you need to be identified,
but because of our deep need,
our deep wound,
our deep hope.
And then, we are astonished that while our names for you
serve for a moment,
you break beyond them in your freedom,
you show yourself yet fresh beyond our utterance,
you retreat into your splendor beyond our grasp.
We are - by your freedom and your hiddenness -
made sure yet again that you are God...
beyond us, for us, but beyond us,
not at our beck and call,
but always in your own way.
We stammer about your identity,
only to learn that it is our own unsettling
before you that wants naming.
Beyone all our explaining and capturing and fixing you...
we give you praise,
we thank you for your fleshed presence in suffering love,
and for our names that you give us. Amen.
(From "Awed to Heaven, Rooted in Earth" by Walter Bruggemann)
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
The rains came...
We had truly beautiful thunderstorms yesterday afternoon and again this afternoon. The lightning was stunning to watch from my office window. Rain pouring down on thirsty ground, bringing clean air.
My heart needed the rains to come. I find myself praying for that washing clean within me as well.
There was a time I'd have found these ancient lyrics gruesome, but I have been listening to the song here, and letting my heart be ministered to and deeply encouraged by them tonight. "Redeeming love has been my theme, and shall be 'til I die."
My plans for the evening actually didn't change too much from what I formulated this afternoon.
I replaced comfort food with Vietnamese take-out, and substituted a short shower for the planned longer one.
During the brief stop at my parent's home, my dad made me laugh with his eagerness to share a fact with me that he'd learned during the first aid class he is taking all day today and tomorrow. Apparently, if I ever have heart problems, and require the aid of a defibrillator, and still have my navel piercing (which he and mom found out about on Sunday after arriving home from Africa, and promptly rolled their eyes at), I'm likely to have a burn where the piercing is, because the metal attracts and conducts the electrical current! Such lovely information, but his eagerness to share it with me, while grinning at me did make me laugh. That and his story about the teacher's rather unfortunate and completely unknowing miss-use of a word.
There was a funny little moment when I showed Dad the new business cards that arrived for me last week. He wanted to know if he could keep it. And then mom wanted one too. She wants to put it on the refrigerator. Their response made me smile. Because in a funny way it was them telling me in a way that I could hear (and that hasn't always been the case!) that they love me and are proud of me. And oh, my heart needed to hear that from some of the people I love today.
Monty Python was brilliant. Just the right mix of intelligence and sillyness, with a British accent. (Everything really does sound better in a British accent!) I'd forgotten just how much great historical and political humor "The Holy Grail" contained. I'd even forgotten that it contains so much that one of my political science professors in university actually showed bits and pieces of it as illustrations in class. It was also just the right length. Just as I was thinking that I'd hit my tolerance point for that sort of humor for one night, it came to an end.
I caught up on facebook, and played a computer game while I watched.
I ate some childhood candy favorites that I picked up at the grocery store recently (cola bottles and peanut m&m's).
I'm feeling relaxed and sort of peaceful (there are things stirring under the surface) for the first time in a while.
I felt my focus shift. Looking forward.
We're still waiting to confirm the date, but it's quite likely (and preferable really) that we'll be moving a week from Saturday or Sunday. That means it's time to get down to the details of packing and sorting.
I've sold my current bed frame, and the people who bought it are likely coming over to disassemble and pick it up on Friday night. Which means I need to empty the storage in it, and do some packing. And that I need to clean my bedroom a bit so that maneuvering in there is possible.
It means I need to call the thrift store and find out when they accept donations, and where to drop them off.
It means that a few minutes from now I'll be heading for my bedroom to do at least a little bit of cleaning before curling up in bed with a book for a bit.
I'm quite looking forward to closing my day with more of the achingly beautiful prayers from the book I quoted this morning. I need the sort of deep honesty and beautiful, but plain spoken words they're providing these days. My heart is just a bit at a loss for words of it's own right now, feeling hurt and tired, and finding my own voice in echoing someone else is helpful.
So I'll clean for a while - because that too, is a prayer. A prayer for order and peace and restoration. And then I'll read scripture and some prayers, and let my heart find a voice for a little while before praying for rest.
My heart needed the rains to come. I find myself praying for that washing clean within me as well.
There was a time I'd have found these ancient lyrics gruesome, but I have been listening to the song here, and letting my heart be ministered to and deeply encouraged by them tonight. "Redeeming love has been my theme, and shall be 'til I die."
My plans for the evening actually didn't change too much from what I formulated this afternoon.
I replaced comfort food with Vietnamese take-out, and substituted a short shower for the planned longer one.
During the brief stop at my parent's home, my dad made me laugh with his eagerness to share a fact with me that he'd learned during the first aid class he is taking all day today and tomorrow. Apparently, if I ever have heart problems, and require the aid of a defibrillator, and still have my navel piercing (which he and mom found out about on Sunday after arriving home from Africa, and promptly rolled their eyes at), I'm likely to have a burn where the piercing is, because the metal attracts and conducts the electrical current! Such lovely information, but his eagerness to share it with me, while grinning at me did make me laugh. That and his story about the teacher's rather unfortunate and completely unknowing miss-use of a word.
There was a funny little moment when I showed Dad the new business cards that arrived for me last week. He wanted to know if he could keep it. And then mom wanted one too. She wants to put it on the refrigerator. Their response made me smile. Because in a funny way it was them telling me in a way that I could hear (and that hasn't always been the case!) that they love me and are proud of me. And oh, my heart needed to hear that from some of the people I love today.
Monty Python was brilliant. Just the right mix of intelligence and sillyness, with a British accent. (Everything really does sound better in a British accent!) I'd forgotten just how much great historical and political humor "The Holy Grail" contained. I'd even forgotten that it contains so much that one of my political science professors in university actually showed bits and pieces of it as illustrations in class. It was also just the right length. Just as I was thinking that I'd hit my tolerance point for that sort of humor for one night, it came to an end.
I caught up on facebook, and played a computer game while I watched.
I ate some childhood candy favorites that I picked up at the grocery store recently (cola bottles and peanut m&m's).
I'm feeling relaxed and sort of peaceful (there are things stirring under the surface) for the first time in a while.
I felt my focus shift. Looking forward.
We're still waiting to confirm the date, but it's quite likely (and preferable really) that we'll be moving a week from Saturday or Sunday. That means it's time to get down to the details of packing and sorting.
I've sold my current bed frame, and the people who bought it are likely coming over to disassemble and pick it up on Friday night. Which means I need to empty the storage in it, and do some packing. And that I need to clean my bedroom a bit so that maneuvering in there is possible.
It means I need to call the thrift store and find out when they accept donations, and where to drop them off.
It means that a few minutes from now I'll be heading for my bedroom to do at least a little bit of cleaning before curling up in bed with a book for a bit.
I'm quite looking forward to closing my day with more of the achingly beautiful prayers from the book I quoted this morning. I need the sort of deep honesty and beautiful, but plain spoken words they're providing these days. My heart is just a bit at a loss for words of it's own right now, feeling hurt and tired, and finding my own voice in echoing someone else is helpful.
So I'll clean for a while - because that too, is a prayer. A prayer for order and peace and restoration. And then I'll read scripture and some prayers, and let my heart find a voice for a little while before praying for rest.
The Plan
Have you all figured out yet that I'm a much happier individual when there is some semblance of planning and order in my life? It can be a totally flexible plan, and can change completely upon arrival at the time for execution of the plan, but I'm a less stressed, happier person if there is some sort of plan in place as a starting point.
That said, I have a plan for the evening.
I will drive from work to the library branch where they are holding a copy of a DVD that I requested.
(I may stop at my parent's house, depending on a returned phone call, to pick up any mail that may be waiting for me there.)
From the library I will go home, pre-heat the oven, and toss in some comfort food. (In my case, tonight that likely means chicken fingers and french fries.)
While said comfort food is cooking, I will likely take a long, hot shower, and then put on my comfy pajamas.
Theoretically neither of my roommates, nor the fiancee tag-a-long who is a near constant presence in our home these days, will actually be at home for the greater portion of the evening.
Thus, following my shower, I will settle in the living room with my laptop, and my plate of comfort food, wrap my pajama clad self in a blanket, and put the dvd I will have picked up from the library in the dvd player. I will then spend a few happy hours watching Monty Python and the Holy Grail, while surfing the internet, or playing a computer game. This will be followed by some reading, and a hopefully early bedtime.
Of course, these plans are entirely flexible and subject to change depending on a wide variety of circumstances, and my own mood, but just at this moment, I can't think of anything I'd enjoy quite so much as an evening of British humor (quirky, and oddly intelligent and appealing to the history/poly sci major that lurks within me) while curled up on a couch in my pajams. Except possibly conversations with one of a very few people. Those would definitely be better than Monty Python!
That said, I have a plan for the evening.
I will drive from work to the library branch where they are holding a copy of a DVD that I requested.
(I may stop at my parent's house, depending on a returned phone call, to pick up any mail that may be waiting for me there.)
From the library I will go home, pre-heat the oven, and toss in some comfort food. (In my case, tonight that likely means chicken fingers and french fries.)
While said comfort food is cooking, I will likely take a long, hot shower, and then put on my comfy pajamas.
Theoretically neither of my roommates, nor the fiancee tag-a-long who is a near constant presence in our home these days, will actually be at home for the greater portion of the evening.
Thus, following my shower, I will settle in the living room with my laptop, and my plate of comfort food, wrap my pajama clad self in a blanket, and put the dvd I will have picked up from the library in the dvd player. I will then spend a few happy hours watching Monty Python and the Holy Grail, while surfing the internet, or playing a computer game. This will be followed by some reading, and a hopefully early bedtime.
Of course, these plans are entirely flexible and subject to change depending on a wide variety of circumstances, and my own mood, but just at this moment, I can't think of anything I'd enjoy quite so much as an evening of British humor (quirky, and oddly intelligent and appealing to the history/poly sci major that lurks within me) while curled up on a couch in my pajams. Except possibly conversations with one of a very few people. Those would definitely be better than Monty Python!
Achingly beautiful...
Did I mention last night that I stopped yesterday at the used Christian bookstore in town? They'd called to let me know that they'd tracked down a book I'd requested, so I stopped to pick it up. While I was there I browsed the usual sections I wander through, pulling a simple book of poetic prayers off the shelf because I recognized the name of the author.
I'll admit it - sometimes I judge a book by it's cover. And this particular book had all the right ingredients on the cover. A lovely looking picture. A great title, and the name of an author I like and respect. I read two or three lines from the inside, glanced at the price ($6.00!!!) and made the rather immediate decision to purchase the book.
I closed the day yesterday by reading several of the prayers contained in this book. And I marveled at their beauty. A beauty that made my heart ache, and long for so much more.
I'm tired this morning, after another night of restless tossing and turning. I'm frustrated by my body's inability to sleep, as I was sleeping deeply, and well through most of the last several weeks. I'm struggling with some health issues again, trying to wait them out, and feeling less than well in the midst of that. And quite frankly, I'm feeling just a bit tired of myself right now.
So, rather than begin this day by whining, let me share one of the achingly beautiful prayers that the book contained.
At the Dawn
Our first glimpse of reality this day - everyday - is your fidelity.
We are dazzled by the ways you remain constant among us,
in season, out of season,
for better, for worse,
in sickness and in health.
You are there in watchfulness as we fall asleep;
You are there in alertness when we awaken...and we are glad.
Before the day ends, we will have occasion
to flag your absence in indifference...
but not now, not at the dawn.
Before the day ends, we will think more than once
that we need a better deal from you...
but not now, not at the dawn.
Before the day ends, we will look away from you and
relish our own fidelity and our virtue in mercy...
but not now, not at the dawn.
Now, at the dawn, our eyes are fixed on you in gladness.
We ask only that your faithfulness
permeate every troubled place we are able to name,
that your mercy
move against the hurts to make new,
that your steadfastness
hold firmly what is too fragile on its own.
And we begin the day in joy, in hope, and in deep gladness. Amen.
(From "Awed to Heaven, Rooted in Earth: Prayers of Walter Bruggemann")
I'll admit it - sometimes I judge a book by it's cover. And this particular book had all the right ingredients on the cover. A lovely looking picture. A great title, and the name of an author I like and respect. I read two or three lines from the inside, glanced at the price ($6.00!!!) and made the rather immediate decision to purchase the book.
I closed the day yesterday by reading several of the prayers contained in this book. And I marveled at their beauty. A beauty that made my heart ache, and long for so much more.
I'm tired this morning, after another night of restless tossing and turning. I'm frustrated by my body's inability to sleep, as I was sleeping deeply, and well through most of the last several weeks. I'm struggling with some health issues again, trying to wait them out, and feeling less than well in the midst of that. And quite frankly, I'm feeling just a bit tired of myself right now.
So, rather than begin this day by whining, let me share one of the achingly beautiful prayers that the book contained.
At the Dawn
Our first glimpse of reality this day - everyday - is your fidelity.
We are dazzled by the ways you remain constant among us,
in season, out of season,
for better, for worse,
in sickness and in health.
You are there in watchfulness as we fall asleep;
You are there in alertness when we awaken...and we are glad.
Before the day ends, we will have occasion
to flag your absence in indifference...
but not now, not at the dawn.
Before the day ends, we will think more than once
that we need a better deal from you...
but not now, not at the dawn.
Before the day ends, we will look away from you and
relish our own fidelity and our virtue in mercy...
but not now, not at the dawn.
Now, at the dawn, our eyes are fixed on you in gladness.
We ask only that your faithfulness
permeate every troubled place we are able to name,
that your mercy
move against the hurts to make new,
that your steadfastness
hold firmly what is too fragile on its own.
And we begin the day in joy, in hope, and in deep gladness. Amen.
(From "Awed to Heaven, Rooted in Earth: Prayers of Walter Bruggemann")
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Tuesday Evening
I think I only slept about three hours last night. And I dreamt a lot in those three hours.
After work tonight, I ran errands. Picking up a book. A Father's Day gift and a birthday gift for my dad. Some quiet browsing in Ikea, looking for a new bed frame. (I've sold my current bed frame, and will be purchasing something new after we move.)
When I finally got home, I popped dinner in the oven, and headed for the shower, upon completion of which, I decided it was time to be wearing pajamas. The comfy new pajamas I bought recently.
I'm planning to be in bed early tonight. Hopefully with the plan to sleep many more hours and much more restfully than last night.
In the meantime, a little bit of M*A*S*H*, and a little bit of reading, and a little bit of writing.
After work tonight, I ran errands. Picking up a book. A Father's Day gift and a birthday gift for my dad. Some quiet browsing in Ikea, looking for a new bed frame. (I've sold my current bed frame, and will be purchasing something new after we move.)
When I finally got home, I popped dinner in the oven, and headed for the shower, upon completion of which, I decided it was time to be wearing pajamas. The comfy new pajamas I bought recently.
I'm planning to be in bed early tonight. Hopefully with the plan to sleep many more hours and much more restfully than last night.
In the meantime, a little bit of M*A*S*H*, and a little bit of reading, and a little bit of writing.
What's Your Gift?
Again, fairly accurate...
| Your Gift is Sensitivity |
 You are easily moved, and you have a strong emotional reaction to almost everything. Your sensitivity helps you get a lot out of life. You appreciate every moment more. It's hard for you to divorce yourself from your feelings. You notice every little thing around you. You're the type of person who finds empathy and compassion easy. |
What Carnival Ride Are You?
Not totally accurate, but not totally inaccurate either :)
| You Are a Log Ride |
 You prefer to live a fairly calm, relaxed life... with a few surprises thrown in. You don't tend to get yourself worked up easily. You can roll with what life throws at you. In relationships, you are steady and solid. You maintain a pretty broad perspective on what's going on. That's not to say you can't get swept away. You're emotions run as deep as anyone else's. Your life seems like it has been remarkably easy so far. But that's due to how you manage it. You never stretch yourself too thinly, and you think out your decisions carefully. Taking the time to enjoy each day is important to you, and you don't let your emotions rule you. You stay the course and do what's right... knowing it will all work out in the end. At your best, you are tolerant and understanding of other people's quirks. You take "go with the flow" to the extreme. Even if you don't like where you're going. At your worst, you repress your feelings and end up being a little tightly wound. You definitely have some explosive emotions that occasionally come to the surface! |
Monday, June 15, 2009
Evening Again
I survived the soul-sucking grocery store. And bought a new pair of pajama pants in the process.
I've caught up on some necessary emails.
I've researched the possibility of taking a yoga class for eight weeks over the summer. (Not sure yet on that one.)
I've showered.
I've realized that I will most definitely need to take time this week to go to the park by myself and pray, and quite like to go shopping or browsing somewhere by myself and just let myself be without all of the heavier stuff on my mind. To give myself a bit of space.
I've been to the bank, and paid a bill or two online.
And now? now I think I'm going to put on those comfy new pjs, and head for bed.
I'm still having problems with my neck and shoulders, and those problems are still causing headaches.
I think I'll read for a little while, maybe journal just a little, and then sleep. At least sleep is the hope and the prayer.
Good night.
I've caught up on some necessary emails.
I've researched the possibility of taking a yoga class for eight weeks over the summer. (Not sure yet on that one.)
I've showered.
I've realized that I will most definitely need to take time this week to go to the park by myself and pray, and quite like to go shopping or browsing somewhere by myself and just let myself be without all of the heavier stuff on my mind. To give myself a bit of space.
I've been to the bank, and paid a bill or two online.
And now? now I think I'm going to put on those comfy new pjs, and head for bed.
I'm still having problems with my neck and shoulders, and those problems are still causing headaches.
I think I'll read for a little while, maybe journal just a little, and then sleep. At least sleep is the hope and the prayer.
Good night.
Fascinating Article
I found this article on sleep at Time Magazine's website absolutely fascinating. Apparently, if you're sleep deprived, it is easier for your brain to percieve negative emotions like anger and fear than positive ones, and if you've had REM sleep, it becomes easier to percieve positive emotions.
Definitely an interesting set of thoughts for someone who struggles with both emotional balance and sleep issues.
Definitely an interesting set of thoughts for someone who struggles with both emotional balance and sleep issues.
Quotes and other thoughts
From the Saturday edition of the calendar that sits on my desk:
"We can never have too much hope in God. He gives in the measure we ask." (Saint Therese of Lisieux)
I may possibly need to start asking for larger measures of hope again.
~~~
It was a very full weekend. In so many ways. And I find myself exhausted as I'm sitting here on Monday morning, facing another long week.
I have this tendency to forget just how much energy it takes for me to be around people these days. It's becoming quickly apparent that I'm going to have to make it a priority on an evening this week to escape to the park by myself for an hour or two, to walk and pray and simply be alone.
I'm missing church, too. A few weeks back I found a place that I think I want to attend regularly for a while. I'm not sure exactly what that looks like right now, but there was a certain prompting from God to at least consider this as a resting spot on the journey for a while. It was a surprising prompting, as the church was pretty much everything I wasn't looking for, or generally don't want in a church, and yet, God has met me there quite powerfully every time I've attended (6 or 8 times) in the last year and a bit. I wasn't able to attend this weekend for a variety of reasons, and I found myself regretting that as I drove to work this morning. Regretting that there hadn't been that corporate time of pausing for worship and teaching. I likely won't make it there next weekend either, and I'm regretting that as well.
I'm grocery shopping with my roommate tonight. At the life-sucking mega store. And it's not a small shop either. We're out of a number of staple items. I hate the life-sucking mega store. Give me smaller, tidier, and slightly more expensive any day of the week. Hopefully, because it's a week-night, it won't be terribly busy, they'll actually have items in stock, and we'll be able to get in and out relatively quickly.
The thoughts and processing in my head and heart are wild and swirly, below the surface and confusing. In much the way I'm praying our weather finally settles into a thunderstorm that clears and cools the air, I'm praying for either a calming or the explosion that brings calm in my heart as well. For that deep and quieting encounter with Jesus.
And now, now it's time to start to tackle my "to do" list for the week.
"We can never have too much hope in God. He gives in the measure we ask." (Saint Therese of Lisieux)
I may possibly need to start asking for larger measures of hope again.
~~~
It was a very full weekend. In so many ways. And I find myself exhausted as I'm sitting here on Monday morning, facing another long week.
I have this tendency to forget just how much energy it takes for me to be around people these days. It's becoming quickly apparent that I'm going to have to make it a priority on an evening this week to escape to the park by myself for an hour or two, to walk and pray and simply be alone.
I'm missing church, too. A few weeks back I found a place that I think I want to attend regularly for a while. I'm not sure exactly what that looks like right now, but there was a certain prompting from God to at least consider this as a resting spot on the journey for a while. It was a surprising prompting, as the church was pretty much everything I wasn't looking for, or generally don't want in a church, and yet, God has met me there quite powerfully every time I've attended (6 or 8 times) in the last year and a bit. I wasn't able to attend this weekend for a variety of reasons, and I found myself regretting that as I drove to work this morning. Regretting that there hadn't been that corporate time of pausing for worship and teaching. I likely won't make it there next weekend either, and I'm regretting that as well.
I'm grocery shopping with my roommate tonight. At the life-sucking mega store. And it's not a small shop either. We're out of a number of staple items. I hate the life-sucking mega store. Give me smaller, tidier, and slightly more expensive any day of the week. Hopefully, because it's a week-night, it won't be terribly busy, they'll actually have items in stock, and we'll be able to get in and out relatively quickly.
The thoughts and processing in my head and heart are wild and swirly, below the surface and confusing. In much the way I'm praying our weather finally settles into a thunderstorm that clears and cools the air, I'm praying for either a calming or the explosion that brings calm in my heart as well. For that deep and quieting encounter with Jesus.
And now, now it's time to start to tackle my "to do" list for the week.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
New Hair
I spent two and a half hours getting my hair done this afternoon. Not the best picture ever, but it'll do. It'll only be straight for a couple of days, since I've never mastered the art (or necessary coordination) of using a straightener myself.I love my hair stylist. I've been seeing her for quite a few years now, and she always does a fantastic job. More importantly, I can have a totally general idea of what I want done, and she'll run with it and leave me feeling beautiful.
I showed up today and simply said that I wanted the red and blond highlights back for the summer. She, as usual, had a better idea, picked out three colors (including the red and blond, and another coppery blond) and two and a half hours later I had beautiful hair again.
Sunday, mid-afternoon
I made it to the part of the day where I'm almost ready to move around.
And then I moved around.
And discovered that the hike I did yesterday was quite a bit harder on my body than I thought. Let's just say that walking is a bit of a challenge today.
I spent the morning doing a bit of laundry and cleaning, but mostly just sitting and writing.
I was part of a conversation at the office the other day that unexpectedly left parts of me feeling quite shaken. Even I was surprised at the things that poured out of my pen as I sat with my journal.
I told a friend this morning that "when it rains, it pours." It seems like so many unexpected parts of my heart are suddenly at the forefront again. And I've got to tell you, that while I'm glad to be wading through some of this, it hasn't been any "walk in the park". And, every once in the while, when the processing is so thick and intense, I just get sick of myself and the things I'm walking through. I wish for healing to have come fully.
So, today, today I'm thankful for roommates off hiking, and a quiet house.
And I'm thankful that on a day when I badly need a brainless break and some pampering, I have a hair appointment (made through a fluke cancellation) for a couple of hours of pampering, and cutting and coloring this afternoon.
And then, later tonight, I get to collect hugs from my parents. I'll pick them up at the airport, arriving home from their trip to West Africa. I'm looking forward to those hugs. For as much as there are oh so many challenges in my relationship with my parents, after the few weeks I've had, I'll be enormously happy to collect hugs from people who love me deeply.
And then I moved around.
And discovered that the hike I did yesterday was quite a bit harder on my body than I thought. Let's just say that walking is a bit of a challenge today.
I spent the morning doing a bit of laundry and cleaning, but mostly just sitting and writing.
I was part of a conversation at the office the other day that unexpectedly left parts of me feeling quite shaken. Even I was surprised at the things that poured out of my pen as I sat with my journal.
I told a friend this morning that "when it rains, it pours." It seems like so many unexpected parts of my heart are suddenly at the forefront again. And I've got to tell you, that while I'm glad to be wading through some of this, it hasn't been any "walk in the park". And, every once in the while, when the processing is so thick and intense, I just get sick of myself and the things I'm walking through. I wish for healing to have come fully.
So, today, today I'm thankful for roommates off hiking, and a quiet house.
And I'm thankful that on a day when I badly need a brainless break and some pampering, I have a hair appointment (made through a fluke cancellation) for a couple of hours of pampering, and cutting and coloring this afternoon.
And then, later tonight, I get to collect hugs from my parents. I'll pick them up at the airport, arriving home from their trip to West Africa. I'm looking forward to those hugs. For as much as there are oh so many challenges in my relationship with my parents, after the few weeks I've had, I'll be enormously happy to collect hugs from people who love me deeply.
Too Early Again...
I'm awake too early a few mornings in a row.
This morning, though, I'm crabby about it.
My roommates are generally considerate people, but they are incapable of coming home and getting ready for bed, or getting ready to go out in the morning at anything but top volume. And our house has hardwood floors, which magnifies the noise.
None of these would be problems if I was better at sleeping.
And they wouldn't be a problem today, if they hadn't loudly arrived home from a pre-wedding celebration for the one at 2 am.
And then loudly began banging around in our kitchen again only 5 hours later to prepare for a hike they're headed out on.
I was awake for quite a length of time at 2 am due to their preparations for bed and my inability to fall quickly to sleep.
And unfortunately, they were loud enough this morning that it became clear that making it back to sleep wasn't going to happen.
So, I'm ensconced again in the living room (the internet isn't working in my bedroom), checking a few emails and blogs, and planning to journal for a while. (And wishing we had a comfortable couch.)
This morning, though, I'm crabby about it.
My roommates are generally considerate people, but they are incapable of coming home and getting ready for bed, or getting ready to go out in the morning at anything but top volume. And our house has hardwood floors, which magnifies the noise.
None of these would be problems if I was better at sleeping.
And they wouldn't be a problem today, if they hadn't loudly arrived home from a pre-wedding celebration for the one at 2 am.
And then loudly began banging around in our kitchen again only 5 hours later to prepare for a hike they're headed out on.
I was awake for quite a length of time at 2 am due to their preparations for bed and my inability to fall quickly to sleep.
And unfortunately, they were loud enough this morning that it became clear that making it back to sleep wasn't going to happen.
So, I'm ensconced again in the living room (the internet isn't working in my bedroom), checking a few emails and blogs, and planning to journal for a while. (And wishing we had a comfortable couch.)
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Night
It's been a long, full, day.
Good and bad.
Hard and easy.
The mountains were lovely. But I was very glad to be home at the end of the day.
I went to hear my brother sing tonight. Which was unremarkable until the chorus sang Ave Maria to close the evening.
Tomorrow will be another full day, but will also hopefully hold some time for rest.
Good and bad.
Hard and easy.
The mountains were lovely. But I was very glad to be home at the end of the day.
I went to hear my brother sing tonight. Which was unremarkable until the chorus sang Ave Maria to close the evening.
Tomorrow will be another full day, but will also hopefully hold some time for rest.
Mountains Again
It's funny, you know.
I'm going to the mountains today, and I've been looking forward to this for a few weeks.
But today, after the week I've had, it's the last place in the world that I want to be.
I'm not looking forward to all the driving (which I have to do because of the vehicle we're taking), or to being in the places I'm going to. Quite frankly I'd like to stay at home, hole up alone in my bedroom and cry.
The girls I'm going with know me well, and I don't have to totally hide my headspace. But there is a certain need to be "on". To have energy. To be into conversation instead of needing to process quietly in my own head.
I'm praying for the energy and ability to enjoy this day.
Because at the moment, I'm dreading it.
I'm going to the mountains today, and I've been looking forward to this for a few weeks.
But today, after the week I've had, it's the last place in the world that I want to be.
I'm not looking forward to all the driving (which I have to do because of the vehicle we're taking), or to being in the places I'm going to. Quite frankly I'd like to stay at home, hole up alone in my bedroom and cry.
The girls I'm going with know me well, and I don't have to totally hide my headspace. But there is a certain need to be "on". To have energy. To be into conversation instead of needing to process quietly in my own head.
I'm praying for the energy and ability to enjoy this day.
Because at the moment, I'm dreading it.
Insecure
I'm awake way too early.
Granted, I have to be out of the house by 9:15 on my way to the day's plans, but this is too early.
And I'm feeling neurotic and insecure.
I shared some rather vulnerable thoughts with a dear friend last night (and, to clarify up front, the response was fine).
But, even when the response was fine, the neuroses and insecurities rise up. The voices get loud, and sometimes they gain power.
I always forget that that's going to happen when I share myself, particularly the deeper parts of me, in writing. But it happens every time. I think it's kind of like how they say that women forget the pain of labor so that they'll have another child. If I remembered how strong the voices of insecurity would become, I'd be less likely to share.
These days I'm better at combatting them, and the lies they tell. In fact, I was quite amused as I journaled about one of the lines they were using last night. It was, I wrote, both the most difficult, and the easiest to counter.
They get loud, and for a day or two I'm neurotic.
In any case, I liked this line that Hope posted to her blog last night. You can find it here. I'm praying for my authentic self to appear.
Granted, I have to be out of the house by 9:15 on my way to the day's plans, but this is too early.
And I'm feeling neurotic and insecure.
I shared some rather vulnerable thoughts with a dear friend last night (and, to clarify up front, the response was fine).
But, even when the response was fine, the neuroses and insecurities rise up. The voices get loud, and sometimes they gain power.
I always forget that that's going to happen when I share myself, particularly the deeper parts of me, in writing. But it happens every time. I think it's kind of like how they say that women forget the pain of labor so that they'll have another child. If I remembered how strong the voices of insecurity would become, I'd be less likely to share.
These days I'm better at combatting them, and the lies they tell. In fact, I was quite amused as I journaled about one of the lines they were using last night. It was, I wrote, both the most difficult, and the easiest to counter.
They get loud, and for a day or two I'm neurotic.
In any case, I liked this line that Hope posted to her blog last night. You can find it here. I'm praying for my authentic self to appear.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Friday night...
My office closed an hour early today.
I was hoping to make it to the park to walk and pray for a while before I needed to be home.
Traffic had other plans.
After I'd been driving for an hour, and it was clear that the park would be out of the question, I gave up on the audio book I was listening to and decided to give praying in the car a shot.
(Usually when I'm in that space, I need to be walking to concentrate enough to pray.)
It helped. Quite a bit.
So I'm thankful for a God who shows up, even when I'm cranky and stuck in traffic.
And I'm thankful for time sitting with a journal to process the last few days.
And for the fact that it was one of the rare nights when my roommate was doing the cooking, so I could simply come home, shower, and curl up with my journal.
I'm thankful for the steak and potatoes she barbequed, and for an evening hanging out with a movie playing while I did some writing and caught up on emails.
It's been a long week, and I'm thankful that it's the weekend, and I have a few days that are a bit lower key.
I was hoping to make it to the park to walk and pray for a while before I needed to be home.
Traffic had other plans.
After I'd been driving for an hour, and it was clear that the park would be out of the question, I gave up on the audio book I was listening to and decided to give praying in the car a shot.
(Usually when I'm in that space, I need to be walking to concentrate enough to pray.)
It helped. Quite a bit.
So I'm thankful for a God who shows up, even when I'm cranky and stuck in traffic.
And I'm thankful for time sitting with a journal to process the last few days.
And for the fact that it was one of the rare nights when my roommate was doing the cooking, so I could simply come home, shower, and curl up with my journal.
I'm thankful for the steak and potatoes she barbequed, and for an evening hanging out with a movie playing while I did some writing and caught up on emails.
It's been a long week, and I'm thankful that it's the weekend, and I have a few days that are a bit lower key.
Continuing from yesterday...
Continuing thoughts from Henri Nouwen from yesterday... still hitting my heart quite painfully...
Empowered to Receive Love
The Spirit reveals to us not only that God is "Abba, Father" but also that we belong to God as his beloved children. The Spirit thus restores in us the relationship from which all other relationships derive their meaning.
Abba is a very intimate word. The best translation for it is: "Daddy." The word Abba expresses trust, safety, confidence, belonging, and most of all intimacy. It does not have the connotation of authority, power, and control, that the word Father often evokes. On the contrary, Abba implies an embracing and nurturing love. This love includes and infinitely transcends all the love that comes to us from our fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, spouses, and lovers. It is the gift of the Spirit.
Empowered to Receive Love
The Spirit reveals to us not only that God is "Abba, Father" but also that we belong to God as his beloved children. The Spirit thus restores in us the relationship from which all other relationships derive their meaning.
Abba is a very intimate word. The best translation for it is: "Daddy." The word Abba expresses trust, safety, confidence, belonging, and most of all intimacy. It does not have the connotation of authority, power, and control, that the word Father often evokes. On the contrary, Abba implies an embracing and nurturing love. This love includes and infinitely transcends all the love that comes to us from our fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, spouses, and lovers. It is the gift of the Spirit.
Random Thoughts
I can't handle writing an acutal post this morning. My thoughts are all over the place and most of them aren't that pretty. There is a temporary truce or lull in the ongoing conversation with God this week, while I sort some things out, and the temptation to simply go silent for a while is strong. But, I know it is rarely a helpful thing for me to store everything inside of me, so I'm here this morning, to loose at least some of the things that are on my mind.
Yesterday, in itself was a hard day. Part of a string of two or three weeks now that have been full of processing and struggle. I had plans last night to see my brother and his girlfriend. T had invited me to join them for dinner and then hang out for the evening.
It was just the sort of evening that was rather badly needed. Some of the things that have been going on in my life have a tendency to become all-consuming, and they've also been things I've been able to discuss with only a limited number of people. T and L (his girlfriend) have been two of those people. But last night, last night I made a deliberate choice and effort not to bring them up. I didn't want to go there. I wanted a night off. So we talked a bit about work (T is working at three different and very varied part time jobs just presently) and T harrassed me about how "professional" my newly arrived business cards make me sound. I let them feed me dinner. I let T plan the evening. All I had to do was take the money he handed me and make a quick trip to the video rental place to pick up the movie he'd suggested for the evening. He offered to make L and I ice cream cones, and we accepted. We watched a kids movie ("Bedtime Stories" with Adam Sandler) and laughed the whole way through. (I think we'd all recommend this one.) We talked a bit about some funny books I've been reading lately too. I needed a night off.
I came home and went nearly straight to bed.
This morning I find myself wishing for more moments like those, and less of the whole "dealing with reality" thing.
I'm thinking about a variety of other things too.
Like the fact that my navel piercing is itchy today. Which I know is a good sign. It means that healing is definitely in process now. But it's itchy, and it also means I'll have to work harder to not disturb it.
And the fact that I'm having trouble breathing. I discovered the reason for this when I got into my car this morning and noticed the thick dusting of yellow pollen covering George. Right. Spring allergies.
These two items mean there is a trip to the drugstore in my future. I need epsom salts for bathing my belly button (apparently taking 5-10 minute baths in well salted water aids the healing process) and I'm going to require allergy drugs to allow for better breathing and better sleeping.
And with that, I'm headed into the day. I'm thankful it's Friday. I'm thankful I'm wearing jeans. I'm hopeful that we'll get rain, and possibly even a thunderstorm later today.
Yesterday, in itself was a hard day. Part of a string of two or three weeks now that have been full of processing and struggle. I had plans last night to see my brother and his girlfriend. T had invited me to join them for dinner and then hang out for the evening.
It was just the sort of evening that was rather badly needed. Some of the things that have been going on in my life have a tendency to become all-consuming, and they've also been things I've been able to discuss with only a limited number of people. T and L (his girlfriend) have been two of those people. But last night, last night I made a deliberate choice and effort not to bring them up. I didn't want to go there. I wanted a night off. So we talked a bit about work (T is working at three different and very varied part time jobs just presently) and T harrassed me about how "professional" my newly arrived business cards make me sound. I let them feed me dinner. I let T plan the evening. All I had to do was take the money he handed me and make a quick trip to the video rental place to pick up the movie he'd suggested for the evening. He offered to make L and I ice cream cones, and we accepted. We watched a kids movie ("Bedtime Stories" with Adam Sandler) and laughed the whole way through. (I think we'd all recommend this one.) We talked a bit about some funny books I've been reading lately too. I needed a night off.
I came home and went nearly straight to bed.
This morning I find myself wishing for more moments like those, and less of the whole "dealing with reality" thing.
I'm thinking about a variety of other things too.
Like the fact that my navel piercing is itchy today. Which I know is a good sign. It means that healing is definitely in process now. But it's itchy, and it also means I'll have to work harder to not disturb it.
And the fact that I'm having trouble breathing. I discovered the reason for this when I got into my car this morning and noticed the thick dusting of yellow pollen covering George. Right. Spring allergies.
These two items mean there is a trip to the drugstore in my future. I need epsom salts for bathing my belly button (apparently taking 5-10 minute baths in well salted water aids the healing process) and I'm going to require allergy drugs to allow for better breathing and better sleeping.
And with that, I'm headed into the day. I'm thankful it's Friday. I'm thankful I'm wearing jeans. I'm hopeful that we'll get rain, and possibly even a thunderstorm later today.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Irony...
I talked with a dear friend for a while last night, catching up a bit, and sharing some of the things I'd been wrestling with lately. It was a teary conversation because of the subject matter, and because some of the things I've been wrestling with and feeling pulled to pray for lately incite a sting within me that brings tears.
I had to laugh, though, at one point, as I looked down at the current book I'm reading, that was sitting beside me as we talked.
I commented to her that it seemed just a bit ironic that in the midst of this rather teary conversation about the places of prayer I've been occupying lately, the title of the book I'm currently reading is "The Happy Intercessor"!
I needed to remember that laugh today, and laugh again. Because laughter at that irony was definitely a better option than tears.
I had to laugh, though, at one point, as I looked down at the current book I'm reading, that was sitting beside me as we talked.
I commented to her that it seemed just a bit ironic that in the midst of this rather teary conversation about the places of prayer I've been occupying lately, the title of the book I'm currently reading is "The Happy Intercessor"!
I needed to remember that laugh today, and laugh again. Because laughter at that irony was definitely a better option than tears.
Worth It
I can't go into all the details, but this week has been truly unique in the sorts of conversations I've been having with Jesus. We've done rather a lot of arguing, because some of things he's been asking have been painful, and seemingly worthless, pointless, and invoking of unnecessary trauma and tears.
I had a rough night last night. Dreams and emotions. I'm working hard today not to sob, and fighting a headache that's been present all week but has spiralled into something truly to be reckoned with this morning. The drugs seem to just be starting to touch it, and I'm praying their effect grows. I have a full day ahead of me, and the ability to concentrate on something other than the pain would be helpful.
It's been the sort of week where I've been quietly (and sometimes very loudly) asking the Lord again if all of this is really worth it?
Just now, as I finished a task I'd been praying about and struggling with, the following song from Rita Springer started playing on my ipod. It's one that has a long back-story for me, but let's just say that the timing of the lyrics this morning was particularly poignant (and funny in a way.)
I don't understand Your ways
Oh but I will give You my song
Give You all of my praise
You hold on to all my pain
With it You are pulling me closer
And pulling me into Your ways
Now around every corner
And up every mountain
I'm not looking for crowns
Or the water from fountains
I'm desperate in seeking, frantic believing
That the sight of Your face
Is all that I need
I will say to You
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it all
I believe this
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it all
I believe this
You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it all
I believe this
You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it all
I believe this
I had a rough night last night. Dreams and emotions. I'm working hard today not to sob, and fighting a headache that's been present all week but has spiralled into something truly to be reckoned with this morning. The drugs seem to just be starting to touch it, and I'm praying their effect grows. I have a full day ahead of me, and the ability to concentrate on something other than the pain would be helpful.
It's been the sort of week where I've been quietly (and sometimes very loudly) asking the Lord again if all of this is really worth it?
Just now, as I finished a task I'd been praying about and struggling with, the following song from Rita Springer started playing on my ipod. It's one that has a long back-story for me, but let's just say that the timing of the lyrics this morning was particularly poignant (and funny in a way.)
I don't understand Your ways
Oh but I will give You my song
Give You all of my praise
You hold on to all my pain
With it You are pulling me closer
And pulling me into Your ways
Now around every corner
And up every mountain
I'm not looking for crowns
Or the water from fountains
I'm desperate in seeking, frantic believing
That the sight of Your face
Is all that I need
I will say to You
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it all
I believe this
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it all
I believe this
You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it all
I believe this
You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it all
I believe this
Oh My...
I'm in an odd space this morning (more about that in a post coming shortly), and these two reflections from Henri Nouwen (but particularly the second one) hit my heart deeply.
Empowered to Be
Who are we? Are we what we do? Are we what others say about us? Are we the power we have? It often seems that way in our society. But the Spirit of Jesus given to us reveals our true spiritual identities. The Spirit reveals that we belong not to a world of success, fame, or power but to God. The world enslaves us with fear; the Spirit frees us from that slavery and restores us to the true relationship. That is what Paul means when he says: "All who are guided by the Spirit of God are sons [daughters] of God, for what you received was not the spirit of slavery to bring you back into fear; you received the spirit of adoption, enabling us to cry out, 'Abba, Father!'" (Romans 8:15).
Who are we? We are God's beloved sons and daughters!
Empowered to Call God "Abba"
Calling God "Abba, Father" is different from giving God a familiar name. Calling God "Abba" is entering into the same intimate, fearless, trusting, and empowering relationship with God that Jesus had. That relationship is called Spirit, and that Spirit is given to us by Jesus and enables us to cry out with him, "Abba, Father."
Calling God "Abba, Father" (see Roman 8:15; Galatians 4:6) is a cry of the heart, a prayer welling up from our innermost beings. It has nothing do with naming God but everything to do with claiming God as the source of who we are. This claim does not come from any sudden insight or acquired conviction; it is the claim that the Spirit of Jesus makes in communion with our spirits. It is the claim of love.
Empowered to Be
Who are we? Are we what we do? Are we what others say about us? Are we the power we have? It often seems that way in our society. But the Spirit of Jesus given to us reveals our true spiritual identities. The Spirit reveals that we belong not to a world of success, fame, or power but to God. The world enslaves us with fear; the Spirit frees us from that slavery and restores us to the true relationship. That is what Paul means when he says: "All who are guided by the Spirit of God are sons [daughters] of God, for what you received was not the spirit of slavery to bring you back into fear; you received the spirit of adoption, enabling us to cry out, 'Abba, Father!'" (Romans 8:15).
Who are we? We are God's beloved sons and daughters!
Empowered to Call God "Abba"
Calling God "Abba, Father" is different from giving God a familiar name. Calling God "Abba" is entering into the same intimate, fearless, trusting, and empowering relationship with God that Jesus had. That relationship is called Spirit, and that Spirit is given to us by Jesus and enables us to cry out with him, "Abba, Father."
Calling God "Abba, Father" (see Roman 8:15; Galatians 4:6) is a cry of the heart, a prayer welling up from our innermost beings. It has nothing do with naming God but everything to do with claiming God as the source of who we are. This claim does not come from any sudden insight or acquired conviction; it is the claim that the Spirit of Jesus makes in communion with our spirits. It is the claim of love.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Wedding Central Again
We're now officially in the last month before the roommate wedding.
And tonight our house has been taken over by bridesmaids needing their dresses fitted.
Lots of giggling, and comments about weight and shoes, and what bra is the right one to wear under the dress.
It's wedding central again, and for the moment, I'm more amused than stressed by it. Let's pray that it stays that way for the rest of the month, especially when the stress of the impeding move starts stacking up as well!
And tonight our house has been taken over by bridesmaids needing their dresses fitted.
Lots of giggling, and comments about weight and shoes, and what bra is the right one to wear under the dress.
It's wedding central again, and for the moment, I'm more amused than stressed by it. Let's pray that it stays that way for the rest of the month, especially when the stress of the impeding move starts stacking up as well!
Quoting Again...
From the calendar on my desk, which apparently has picked the month of June to deeply strike and convict my heart...
"Faith is a gift of God. It is a pure gift, and only he can bestow it. At the same time, he passionately desires to give it to us. He wants us to ask for it, because he can only give it to us when we ask for it." (Catherine de Hueck Doherty)
"Faith is a gift of God. It is a pure gift, and only he can bestow it. At the same time, he passionately desires to give it to us. He wants us to ask for it, because he can only give it to us when we ask for it." (Catherine de Hueck Doherty)
Musings...
I have some thoughts in process... my drive in to work this morning was full. Sometimes I wish you could all spend a day in my head, and see the way the thoughts carry me around, see the different connections. Sometimes the connections and directions surprise even me.
There are many places I could go this morning, but I think I want to write them out somewhere other than a public space first.
I'm thinking about imperfection. About friends traveling. About transition. About discerning character.
I'm thinking about the shallower things too. Like the fact that the skirt I wore today may perhaps be a bit higher waisted than I thought, and could cause some discomfort through the day thanks to my piercing adventures on the weekend. And the fact that I dress differently for work when I'm meeting outside clients or sales reps. And the fact that I'm really bored with this "eating 3 meals a day" concept, but am sticking to it anyway. And the fact that my house is going to be invaded by the "attack of the bridesmaids who need dresses altered" again tonight, which means it'll be loud and obnoxious (and our internet still isn't working properly, preventing me from hiding in my bedroom.) And the fact that it's Wednesday, which means this could be a total gong show of a day.
More later!!
There are many places I could go this morning, but I think I want to write them out somewhere other than a public space first.
I'm thinking about imperfection. About friends traveling. About transition. About discerning character.
I'm thinking about the shallower things too. Like the fact that the skirt I wore today may perhaps be a bit higher waisted than I thought, and could cause some discomfort through the day thanks to my piercing adventures on the weekend. And the fact that I dress differently for work when I'm meeting outside clients or sales reps. And the fact that I'm really bored with this "eating 3 meals a day" concept, but am sticking to it anyway. And the fact that my house is going to be invaded by the "attack of the bridesmaids who need dresses altered" again tonight, which means it'll be loud and obnoxious (and our internet still isn't working properly, preventing me from hiding in my bedroom.) And the fact that it's Wednesday, which means this could be a total gong show of a day.
More later!!
Tuesday, June 09, 2009
Is it really only Tuesday?
This is the question I find myself asking nearly constantly, "Is it really only Tuesday?" The last two days in some ways feel like they've encompassed an entire week.
Both yesterday and today at work have been filled with the little snafus that add up to frustration. I have a very long list of things that need to be accomplished, and the vast majority of them are on hold, dependent on responses from other people, or work from other people. I've also run out of things to give to the morning receptionist to occupy her time as well (again, because I'm waiting for some things to come back to me.)
I'm still loving my job, but every so often you have those days that just seem to drag, and seem to be riddled with minor frustrations that add up to major headaches.
I'm looking forward to an evening at home tonight (and planning to enjoy the fact that my roommates, the fiancee who's a constant presence in our house, and the current houseguest will all be out for a while, and I'll get to enjoy the quiet.)
I've had a heat pack on my neck off and on all day, attempting to alleviate the muscle knots that seems to have developed from unwittingly tensing the muscles in my neck and back while I sleep to prevent rolling onto my stomach and causing pain at the site of my new navel piercing. The knots are in a spot that's a continual problem, and I could badly use a massage.
I did however, incite laughter at the office today when I commented that I could use a massage quite badly, but wouldn't be able to lay on my stomach long enough to get one! It would seem that there's not a whole lot of sympathy for my predicament! (Of course, if it was me on the other end, I wouldn't be offering sympathy either, and I'm actually finding the whole situation personally amusing as well!)
In any case, I'm looking forward to spending an evening reading, and maybe doing a bit of cleaning. To catching up on some emails, and hopefully heading for bed nice and early. And to the nice dinner of kabobs, salad, and bread that we've got planned. Light, and so easy to prepare!
(But I'm still wondering, "Is it really only Tuesday?")
Both yesterday and today at work have been filled with the little snafus that add up to frustration. I have a very long list of things that need to be accomplished, and the vast majority of them are on hold, dependent on responses from other people, or work from other people. I've also run out of things to give to the morning receptionist to occupy her time as well (again, because I'm waiting for some things to come back to me.)
I'm still loving my job, but every so often you have those days that just seem to drag, and seem to be riddled with minor frustrations that add up to major headaches.
I'm looking forward to an evening at home tonight (and planning to enjoy the fact that my roommates, the fiancee who's a constant presence in our house, and the current houseguest will all be out for a while, and I'll get to enjoy the quiet.)
I've had a heat pack on my neck off and on all day, attempting to alleviate the muscle knots that seems to have developed from unwittingly tensing the muscles in my neck and back while I sleep to prevent rolling onto my stomach and causing pain at the site of my new navel piercing. The knots are in a spot that's a continual problem, and I could badly use a massage.
I did however, incite laughter at the office today when I commented that I could use a massage quite badly, but wouldn't be able to lay on my stomach long enough to get one! It would seem that there's not a whole lot of sympathy for my predicament! (Of course, if it was me on the other end, I wouldn't be offering sympathy either, and I'm actually finding the whole situation personally amusing as well!)
In any case, I'm looking forward to spending an evening reading, and maybe doing a bit of cleaning. To catching up on some emails, and hopefully heading for bed nice and early. And to the nice dinner of kabobs, salad, and bread that we've got planned. Light, and so easy to prepare!
(But I'm still wondering, "Is it really only Tuesday?")
Waiting
It's funny how it goes.
I feel like the Lord has me in a season of waiting. Not a passive thing, where I just sit there, and he's silent. More of an active thing, where he's definitely speaking in various ways, where my emotions are churning and processing is happening in a wild sort of way.
I had a dream last week about shoes. Shoes often speak about transition for me - they've been a symbol of that for much of the last few years. And ever since the dream, I haven't been able to get the following lyric from a gospel song by High Valley out of my head "You don't wear your old shoes on your brand new feet..."
So I'm waiting. Because I think changes are coming again. In more than just the typical transitions that have marked June/July for the last few years. More than just moving, and a game of musical roommates. I'm hoping and praying that a new season is truly coming.
For the first time in a while, as I drove to work this morning, I found myself praying aloud. Making my "requests and petitions known to God." Prayers for myself, and for some I love. Prayers for the changes I feel happening within me. Prayers for blessing - even for those I struggle with (at one point I found myself telling God that I knew what I was asking was a bit of a selfish prayer, but would he translate the words because I genuinely desired to pray blessing from a heart that is right before him.)
As I climbed out of my car at the office, I "heard" again the scripture that goes, "See, I am doing a new thing, do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert, and streams in the wasteland."
And my heart lept, just a little, in that cautious way it does after a long and bleak season, when it seems that hope may be presenting itself again. "Yes, Lord, I'm longing for that new season, for a way in the desert and streams where there is only barrenness."
I'm thinking too, about the line from Hosea, where the Lord speaks and says, "I will make the valley of trouble a door of hope."
I'm waiting and looking for doors and new things. And praying the same for many that my heart holds dear.
I feel like the Lord has me in a season of waiting. Not a passive thing, where I just sit there, and he's silent. More of an active thing, where he's definitely speaking in various ways, where my emotions are churning and processing is happening in a wild sort of way.
I had a dream last week about shoes. Shoes often speak about transition for me - they've been a symbol of that for much of the last few years. And ever since the dream, I haven't been able to get the following lyric from a gospel song by High Valley out of my head "You don't wear your old shoes on your brand new feet..."
So I'm waiting. Because I think changes are coming again. In more than just the typical transitions that have marked June/July for the last few years. More than just moving, and a game of musical roommates. I'm hoping and praying that a new season is truly coming.
For the first time in a while, as I drove to work this morning, I found myself praying aloud. Making my "requests and petitions known to God." Prayers for myself, and for some I love. Prayers for the changes I feel happening within me. Prayers for blessing - even for those I struggle with (at one point I found myself telling God that I knew what I was asking was a bit of a selfish prayer, but would he translate the words because I genuinely desired to pray blessing from a heart that is right before him.)
As I climbed out of my car at the office, I "heard" again the scripture that goes, "See, I am doing a new thing, do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert, and streams in the wasteland."
And my heart lept, just a little, in that cautious way it does after a long and bleak season, when it seems that hope may be presenting itself again. "Yes, Lord, I'm longing for that new season, for a way in the desert and streams where there is only barrenness."
I'm thinking too, about the line from Hosea, where the Lord speaks and says, "I will make the valley of trouble a door of hope."
I'm waiting and looking for doors and new things. And praying the same for many that my heart holds dear.
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