One Last Post for 2007

I've been trying all day to figure out what to write, how to end this year off on my blog.

I don't really know what to say. Tomorrow I'll reflect backwards, and then turn and look forwards, but tonight, there aren't quite words.

I'm sitting here in the semi-dark. In a few minutes I'll go back to the episode of Grey's Anatomy I'm watching on dvd. But for a few minutes I paused the dvd, and crept up into my stairwell.

My upstairs neighbors are African - Christians we're quite sure, though we've never met them except to smile and greet in passing on our way to and from our respective apartments. I sat in my stairwell in the dark, on my side of the door and wall that separates my home from theirs, and listened. They are singing and praying and worshipping in the New Year. Such beautiful harmonies, accompanied only by a tambourine, and such passionate prayer, though all in a language I'll never understand. I crept up the stairs to listen, to sit in the dark and let their prayers flow over me because I recognized the tune, if not the language, to one of the songs they were singing. "Oh How I Love Jesus." So beautiful.

I'm glad, I think, that the people who live above me bathe their home in worship and prayer. Tonight it makes me feel safe, and cozy as I stay alone this week while my roommate is out of town. I live in a building that (at least half of it anyhow) is regularly bathed in prayer. Beautiful.

Happy New Year!

The Long Way Around

I was thinking today about how the path I'm choosing in life right now isn't really all that traditional. How most of the people I went to high school with are all in graduate school becoming academics, or pursuing high paying careers in various fields. How I have a degree, but I'm working as a a receptionist in an unrelated industry, and dreaming of travel and coffee shops, and praying with friends all over the country and the world. How a new year is coming and my dreams are becoming stronger, rather than fading with a sense of growing responsibility and settledness. How in eleven days I'm leaving Canada for a month to start pursuing those dreams.

I was driving around earlier, doing errands, and listening to the country station on the radio (and singing loudly - since I believe that one should always sing loudly along with the radio while driving alone), and the song "The Long Way Around" by the Dixie Chicks came on. I can never actually decide what I think of the Dixie Chicks and their in-your-face political statements, but I do love a few of their songs, and this is one of them. Today, a few of the lyrics grabbed my attention, spoke of my journey, and gave me hope.

Well, I fought with a stranger and I met myself
I opened my mouth and I heard myself
It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself
Guess I could have made it easier on myself

But I, I could never follow
No I, I could never follow

Well, I never seem to do it like anybody else
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down
If you ever want to find me I can still be found

Taking the long way
Taking the long way around
Taking the long way
Taking the long way around


----------------
Now playing: Dixie Chicks - The Long Way Around
via FoxyTunes

Why I Make Smile Lists

I had a moment this morning, standing in the shower and talking with Jesus that reminded me again of the reason I've cultivated the habit of making mental (and sometimes written) lists of the things I'm thankful for - the things that make me smile.

I was standing in the shower and talking with Jesus. Working off residual crankiness from the past few days. I was complaining once again about having to go to church, and teach Sunday school, which I was feeling particularly unmotivated to do this morning. (I have quite a lot of Sunday morning conversations in the shower with Jesus, that mostly involve me informing him that since he hasn't given me permission to leave this church, he'd better help me out with the motivation and attitude to get me through the morning.)

And, as I was griping, a list began forming in my mind. A list of the reasons I actually end up enjoying teaching these girls most weeks. A list that included:

• that I love being a voice a little different from what they hear other places
• they make me laugh
• they remind me, just a little, each time I teach of that awkward and pivotal time in life that happens as you begin high school, and your world is suddenly growing, and you are beginning to figure out your place in the world
• that three individual personalities come together in that room as we sit on the carpet as they seek to understand more about Jesus
• that in spite of being raised in the church that also raised me, these girls are looking for glimpses of Jesus in a personal way, not just out of a sense of religious obligation
• that they challenge my way of thinking and engaging
• that when we do "best thing/worst thing" (highlight and lowpoint of our week) they are always thoughtful and willing to celebrate the good, and that the good is almost always more defining than the bad

I cultivated the habit of making smile lists because in the moments when I most need a change of attitude, an ability to be grateful in the midst of something that feels miserable, the lists begin forming in my head in spite of myself. And that makes me smile, too.

Truth and fiction

I'm sitting here, just presently, with the movie "School of Rock" playing on television in the background (and incidentally I love this movie in the way only someone who went to an incredibly uptight, academically driven high school can) and thinking about the difference between fiction and non-fiction.

The way I learned the difference was this - non-fiction is truth, fiction is made-up and therefore not truth.

The trouble is, something's been tricked out of that definition.

I read far more fiction than non-fiction. Mostly because I find it more readable as a general rule.

But here's the thing - I've often felt guilty for preferring that which wasn't true to that which was.

And so, today, I've been thinking about the difference between fiction and non-fiction.

And I realized something - the definition I grew up with is wrong. The difference isn't truth, it's facts. Non-fiction recounts facts. Fiction recounts fables. Both can contain profound truth.

Take, for example, the novel I just finished. "The Kite Runner" by Khaled Hosseini. A good novel, though not superbly profound. There was, however, one paragraph that took my breath away with the truth it shed on a particular relationship in my life.

This past year I've kept track of only the non-fiction books I've read, essentially a very small percentage of my total reading. I think, in the new year, I'll keep track of everything.

A friend of mine was sharing with me recently about her commitment to live a life without lines. Without lines separating things. This year I'm not going to draw lines around what contains truth. I'm going to look for truth wherever I can find it - in a memoir, or in the words of an Afghani novelist.

dreaming

I went to bed at 2 am. I set my alarm for 9:30 am. I woke up for the first time at 6:30am. Rolled over, realized it was 6:30 (when I normally get up for work), thought "no way in hell," rolled back over and went back to sleep.

Going back to sleep was my mistake. The dreams that had been below the surface came roaring into my reality.

Which is why it's now 8:45am, and I'm sitting here blogging and watching Grey's Anatomy on dvd. When I woke up again for the second time I just couldn't face going back to the dreams.

I work at being okay with the dreams, but every once in a while, I just don't quite know what to do with them. Today is one of those days. Not sure what to do about the things I saw. Not sure I understand most of them, but knowing there are things from them that are probably important.

Here's my thing. I think, that if the Lord is going to give someone dreams, He should also give them the gift of dream interpretation.

I'm tired of this. Tired of the dreams, and wondering what they mean. Tired of the confusion. Tired of how vividly real they are, and how they add to the load I'm already carrying.

I knew this would probably happen when I went to bed last night. There's something about talking to the friend I spoke with on the phone that always pulls me into a place of deeper awareness of the spiritual realm. That, plus, by the end of the night I knew I needed to spend some time praying and going to the deep places for a couple of situations. Going there generally means that I'll end up having a night like I did.

So, I knew it would likely happen. And I'll be okay. But right now, I'm tired, and an hour away from spending time with a friend that will probably end up being intense and requiring me to engage, to see and hear and be willing to go to the deep places for and with her. Right now I'm wishing I wasn't carrying the added load of dreams.

So I'm laying here, and giving my brain a rest by watching Grey's Anatomy. And in a little while, I'll get up, and get dressed, and pray, and head into my day.

Still Cranky (but improving)

It was a long day. (well, literally, I suppose, since it's after midnight, and I'm just sitting down to write). It's been a long week.

I'm not the biggest fan of the holiday season. It stirs stuff up. In me. In others. Not so pleasant stuff. Big stuff.

This has been the week where everything has come in flashes of intensity. Nothing simple and easy. Just intensity.

There have been moments of intense intercession for various people and things.

Mostly, though, there have been the moments of being intensely exhausted and angry, and working hard to shut God out, to not listen when I know that He's prodding me.

I was thinking, tonight, about how many people in my life have deep needs again. And how exhausting that can be for me. I'm trying to figure out which friends to see before I leave for Malta, and I find myself hesitating over the list. Trying to gauge and conserve energy. "If I see that person, I probably can't afford to see that other person." There aren't many on the list that I'd desperately love to see because I know that the time together would give life instead of taking it from me. And a few of them are busy. One lives out of province, but we'll try to connect by phone.

And then, I feel guilty. Guilty for ignoring God, for shutting Him out. Guilty for not wanting to see people I care deeply about, because I don't want to deal with the drain on my energy. Guilty because I know that if I see these people, I'll have to stop ignoring God.

I talked on the phone with a dear friend for over four hours tonight. We mutually vented, laughed as we discovered the rather similar spaces we're occupying this week, and I'm feeling better - lighter and somewhat less cranky for having shared these things with a friend. I value this particular friend deeply - our relationship was completely unexpected, but has been one of the greatest gifts of God to me in this crazy season of life I've found myself in. She offers perspective, a listening ear, things I have not often had access to in the past. We laugh together, which I love. And I'm always delighted to listen and offer whatever I have to give in return.

In one of the few moments of prayer that I had this week, I was reading further in the book of Daniel. I came across this passage in Chapter 10, and went back to it tonight, as I was chatting with my friend, and then sitting here, thinking and beginning to pray once again...

Daniel 10: 15-18
While he was speaking to me, I looked down at the ground, unable to say a word. Then the one who looked like a man touched my lips, and I opened my mouth and began to speak. I said to the one standing in front of me, "I am filled with anguish because of the vision I have seen, my lord, and I am very weak. How can someone like me, your servant, talk to you, my lord? My strength is gone, and I can hardly breathe."

Then the one who looked like a man touched me again, and I felt my strength returning. "Don't be afraid," he said, "for you are very precious to God. Peace! Be encouraged! Be strong!"

As he spoke these words to me, I suddenly felt stronger and said to him, "Please speak to me, my lord, for you have strengthened me."

I am praying this passage for some friends, but I am also praying it for my life.

I am praying for strength to return to me. I have felt this week the way Daniel describes at the beginning of the passage - unable to utter a sound. I have said to the Lord, "I am filled with anguish, and I am weak." I have been frustrated and exhausted, and I have desperately needed to hear the whisper of the Lord, "Don't be afraid. You are precious to me. Peace and encouragement on you. My strength I give you."

I think I'm beginning to hear that whisper, just the tiniest tickle from far away, and I am asking the Lord for it to grow louder, and for my strength to be restored.

I find myself thinking again, of that exclamation from earlier in the book of Daniel which so captured me (and continues to capture me) earlier this month. "There is no other God who can rescue like this!" (3:29b)

I need my God to be the one who offers that sort of rescue. The one about whom I can exclaim, "No one else could do this!"

I long for that rescue, that restoration, that peace.

Send it quickly, Lord.

Smile List - Friday Edition

Things that are making me smile...

• 1 hour, 10 minutes until the end of the work day
• casual Friday
• a new t-shirt from Billabong's Design for Humanity Line that was a great deal on Boxing Day
• the prospect of a quiet weekend
• 5 1/2 work days left before Malta
• lip balm from the Rocky Mountain Soap Company
• the prospect of Corn Dogs for supper tonight. Corn dogs are an occasional guilty pleasure of mine.
• U2's 40 playing on my ipod
• a cup of passion tea this morning after the rocky start to my day
• bottled water
• an almost completed manual for training the temp who is going to my job while I'm in Malta
• an email from my aunt last night, promising unexpected financial support for my trip
• Vietnamese food leftovers for breakfast this morning
• Blue sky visible out the nearby window
• half-day of work on Monday
• comfy clothes
• cute shoes
• friendly little old men who are volunteers with our company calling me on the phone at work
• a funny card from a friend that's sitting on my desk
• the promise of phone calls with various good friends that live far away over the next few days and weeks
• an empty house right now while my roommate is out of town
• milk chocolate
• a good novel that I'm in the midst of at the moment

That should do it for now. I need to do the outgoing mail for the day before the day ends!

Later!

Rocky Start

My day did not start well.

Unless you consider racing to the bathroom to hug a porcelain throne starting a day well.

Danged over-sensitive gag reflex first thing in the morning. Just start coughing a little, and boom. Not Good.

Mentally, I feel cloudy.

Like I've lost my equilibrium, and don't quite know how to get it back.

I'm unmotivated.

I should probably pray, but my attitude sucks, and I'm kind of "enjoying" wallowing.

If I start talking to Jesus, the wallowing will have to go.

I should probably pray. Okay, more than probably.

This is one of those days when I'm going to have to make a smile list.

Or several smile lists.

I'm going to read a favorite Psalm and pray.

I can't handle a full 8 hours at the office when I'm feeling like this.

I need to stop wallowing.

Overthinking

I am...

overthinking.

Crap.

I'm going to bed.

I am...

I am…

• Wearing mostly new clothes with a favorite old sweater on top.

• Glad that tomorrow is Friday

• Perpetually curious

• Bad at sleeping

• Often tired

• A lover of many things green

• Convinced that you are happier when you wear color and variety, than when you wear only black and white, or a uniform

• One who has experienced healing

• One who longs to see healing worked in the lives of others

• A perpetual book buyer

• The owner of well over a thousand volumes (and growing!)

• One who reads with a pen in hand, marking all my favorite bits for easy access later on

• Addicted to memoirs

• Constantly thinking out loud

• Easily distracted

• More likely to drink water than just about anything (except perhaps tea)

• A lover of beauty

• Short (or more nicely put, petite)

• Going to Malta in two weeks

• Rebooking my plane ticket from Malta to London, to let me spend a few days with friends in London before returning to Canada

• A control freak

• In love with cute shoes

• Unable to pass up a bargain

• Convinced that milk chocolate is how chocolate was meant to be – creamy and sweet, and that dark chocolate is just a bit too medicinal to truly be considered chocolate

• A person with texture and smell issues when it comes to food

• A lover of Jesus

• An occasional mystic

• Completely pragmatic

• A loner who loves people

• An introvert who eventually gets tired of herself

• A television lover for the way it (usually) lets me disengage my over-active brain for an hour or two

• More likely to fall asleep if there is a book on tape playing nearby

• Fond of simple things

• A daughter

• A sister

• A granddaughter

• A cousin

• A friend

• An (occasional) writer

• Happily single (with rare exceptions)

• Not a lover of children (with five exceptions and room for more as certain friends begin having families)

• Good at my job (but ready for a break from it)

• Currently sporting shorter hair than I have in a while and dyed eyelashes

• A fan of clean clothes and sheets, but a loather of doing laundry (well, actually, folding laundry) and changing sheets

• Part of a crazy inter-connected group of people spread across the country who love to pray

• At turns quiet and at turns very, very loud

• A lover of U2

• Rather tone deaf, and unlikely to be caught singing where you can hear me

• Completely convinced that singing along with the radio while driving alone is the only way to go

• A country music fan

• Intuitive

• One who cares deeply

• Eventually going to get a masters degree from a seminary in counseling

• A dreamer

• Loved

• Learning what it means to be thankful on a daily basis

• Slightly odd

• Completely sarcastic in a deadpan sort of way in all the wrong moments

• Constantly having to explain that I was being sarcastic when someone takes an outrageous deadpan remark of mine seriously

• An idealist

• happiest when I'm comfortable

• constantly being stretched

• learning to be okay with things that I've known are true about myself for a very long time

• a lover of truth

• often accused of being blunt

• not always quick enough to filter the thoughts before they burst out of my lips

• not usually a poet or a reader of poetry, but every once in a while something fantastic comes along, and I read it, or write it, and fall in love with words and poetry and beauty all over again.
  

• at rest, peaceful and filled with joy tonight.

Another Day

I did the praying I intended last night, and as I suspected it might, it carried into my sleep. Weird dreams. Tossing and turning. And an early morning to get my roommate to the airport on time.

Oddly, though, I'm okay with the turn my life has taken. I'm okay with knowing my soul prays incessantly while I sleep. I'm even kind of okay with the dreams.

There is a certain nearness of Jesus in this space, and for that I am grateful.

So, I'm sitting here at my desk, about to begin another work day, staring at the venti passion tea I picked up at Starbucks after I dropped my roommate at the airport, and I'm grateful. Grateful for a Lord who speaks (even in the middle of the night!).

Snapping into that space

Ever had a day where you were completely not in a certain space, and then someone says something that pulls you immediately into that space?

I was really relaxed today. Peaceful, at rest. (and this sounds bad to say.) Not engaging at all in a spiritual or moral way with the world. I did completely random things today. Went boxing day shopping with my brothers, my roommate, and a friend for several hours this morning. Came home, watched an episode or two of Grey's Anatomy. Popped in a movie I borrowed from my brother (Step Up) and fell asleep on the couch for an hour. Went to the mall and mailed some letters to New Zealand for my roommate, bought a book, and found some great deals on shoes. Picked up vietnamese for dinner, watched the end of my movie, and crashed on the couch. Let my roommate talk me into letting her dye my eyelashes (her alternative to putting mascara on all the time), and then painted my toenails.

I got two emails today that have pulled me into two separate spaces.

One from someone very close to me. Criticizing an action I made the other day. One that I'm not sure how I feel about. It pulled me into a guilty, uncomfortable, angry, self-evaluating state.

One from a relatively new friend. That one came just a little while ago. Pulled me into a space where I need to pray. I'll finish the tv show I'm watching, and hole up in my room.

I'm not going to think about the fact that I need to leave my house before 7 tomorrow morning to drive my roommate to the airport, and then go to work. I'm not going to think about the whole day of work that's facing me. I'm just going to hole up and pray.

Which is probably how I should have responded to any number of things today, including both of those emails.

Confuddled

There are a lot of things racing around my head tonight.

Some tension with my dad.

Whether or not I need to do something about the tension with my dad.

The various things I purchased in Boxing Day sales today.

The value of doing girly things and indulging the feminine parts of me more often.

How early I have to get up to drive my roommate to the airport tomorrow.

That I get to wear jeans to work for the rest of the week.

How truly, bone-weary, tired I'm feeling right now.

How excited I am for my trip to Malta.

How many things I still need to take care of before Malta (and how I need to make a list of those things to make sure they get done.)

How I'm missing certain friends, and looking forward to spending time with them in the coming year.

How I should really be productive and fold laundry while I watch tv, but that would require me moving from my spot on the couch.

How glad I am that there aren't too many work days left before I leave. Work is making me feel weary these days.

How annoying the e-harmony television commercials are.

How I don't want to wait to read the new book I bought today to take to Malta with me.

How I'm feeling WAY overwhelmed in terms of sensory input, and want to hide out somewhere silent for days, but am afraid, too, of what I'd encounter in the silence.

What my dreams and plans are for the next year.

Too many things floating around my brain at once tonight. I'm feeling confuddled. Or possibly discombobulated. I do love the word discombobulated.

Good night!

Resting before the crazyness

I'm tired again.

I survived a half-day of work today. Kind of pointless, not much accomplished. No one very motivated to be there. It took all my energy to haul myself out of bed for that this morning. I'm glad for the next couple days off.

I'm crashed on the couch, playing games on my laptop, and rewatching a past season of Grey's Anatomy on DVD.

I think I might just let myself drift off to sleep for a while.

I have to be at mom and dad's at 6:00 tonight for the family stuff.

My roommate and I may go to mass somewhere later.

yep, I think I'm going to sleep.

New Books

I've added a couple of books to the list in my sidebar in the last few days.

Both of them were memoirs. "The Year I Got Everything I Wanted" by Cameron Conant, whose blog I also link to, and "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert.

I liked both.

I particularly liked the following short passage from Gilbert's book. I liked the word she describes, because I understand, just a little, that idea of "living at the border". She writes:

I was reading through an old text about Yoga, when I found a description of ancient spiritual seekers. A Sanskrit word appeared in the paragraph: ANTEVASIN. It means "one who lives at the border." In ancient times this was a literal description. It indicated a person who had left the bustling center of worldly life to go live at the edge of the forest where the spiritual masters dwelled. The antevasin was not one of the villagers anymore - not a householder with a conventional life. But neither was he yet a transcendent - not one of those sages who live deep in the unexplored woods, fully realized. The antevasin was an in-betweener. He was a border-dweller. He lived in sight of both worlds, but he looked toward the unknown. And he was a scholar.

Christmas Church

Mostly, if you know me, you know that I really don't get that into Christmas, or Christmas music. There are just other seasons and holidays I like better.

BUT

I love the last church service before Christmas. We always have great music, and a good time with each other. Today my brother is directing a choir. I've heard his school choir sing the song they're performing, and I'm looking forward to hearing the church members do it. And a "cookie buffet" after the service - how cool is that? Everyone brings a plate of Christmas goodies to share.

So, that's where I'll be this morning. Getting into the Christmas spirit, and eating cookies.

Then I'm coming home to experiment with my roommate at making a traditional dessert that they have at Christmas in New Zealand.

See ya later!

hungry

I swear my body runs on a weird cycle sometimes... I have weeks with absolutely no appetite, where I force myself to eat, and get a stomach ache every time I force something down. Then, I have days like yesterday and today, where everything makes me hungry. I eat big meals regularly, and I'm still hungry.

Today I've eaten quite a lot, and I still find myself hungry.

I've made good food - full of healthy ingredients, and all I can think at this moment is, "I need another meal."

Vegetables. I'm craving vegetables. Or maybe ichiban soup, with vegetables in it. I have steamed veggies in my fridge - maybe I'll eat those in a while.

Funny how life is like that in so many ways - you can be barely able to eat, to take things in for a long time, and then, suddenly, you find yourself unable to satisfy your appetite.

My devotional life can be like that. For weeks or months I "eat" the minimum, and then, suddenly, I find myself "starving" for the word of God.

I'm hungry right now, in more ways than one.

P.S. I Love You

My roommate and I went to see the new movie, "P.S., I Love You" last night. SO fantastic!

I haven't laughed that hard in a very long time. Great humor.

And then, in the next second, I was crying. Touching moments, pathos, beautiful.

Plus, hardly any crude language, hardly any extraneous sex. (While I cope with other movies that have too much of those things, I'm always happy to come across a great movie that doesn't have them!)

Lemon Shortbread

My roommate and I saw a movie tonight. More on that tomorrow - it deserves it's own post!

After we got home, we congregated in the kitchen, doing some Christmas baking. She's making some sort of hazelnut biscotti, and I mixed up the dough for lemon shortbread. It's chilling in rolls in my fridge at the moment, waiting to be sliced, baked and iced at various points over the course of the day tomorrow. It's a tradition. I make it every year. My brothers hate it (they have issues with fruit flavors in things that aren't, well, fruit), but everyone else seems to love it. Which is funny, because I could take it or leave it. But I make it every year!

Good night!

The Belt

Lately I'm all about embracing the little things.

The changes, the items, the things that underscore for me personally what I see the Lord doing in my life, or the places where I see myself moving towards the lifestyle I dream about.

Today, the little thing is a belt.

I bought a fantastic belt yesterday. I was shopping for my mom's Christmas present, but found something great for me as well.

It's a coppery brown leather, printed with funky cream colored daisies. Some of the daisies have rhinestone centres, and the rest have these cool silver studs.

It's my hippie, embracing the feminine, fun parts of me belt, and I love it!

wordless

This week has been one of those ones again where the words just aren't there. Where the parts of me that are sometimes alive and bubbling over with creativity have been silent. Where the part of my soul that immediately begins the mental writing process whenever something the least bit intriguing catches my eye, has stubbornly refused to kick into gear.

I am still thinking about rescue. About a piece of a verse in Daniel chapter 3 that says "There is no other God who can rescue like this." I wrote a personal essay in my journal about this verse on the weekend, and if I ever get around to typing and revising it, it might appear here. I feel like rescue and healing (and sometimes, to be honest, they're synonymous in my head) are things that I am crying out to Jesus so desperately for over various things and situations. Sometimes that desperation for rescue and healing in my own life and in the lives of friends spills into my conversations, and that has created one or two intense and occasionally awkward moments this week.

I am thinking that sometimes I'm far too practical for my own good. That the things I think about are far too grounded in reality. A few months ago someone was describing his personality a bit to me, as a precursor to answering a question I'd asked him. He told me that he was going to answer from his head, and that if I asked a different friend, the answer would be totally different. In the course of describing that to me, he said, "I'm not a mystic like you and so and so and so and so," naming a few other friends. I didn't really respond - no one had called me a mystic before - but all I was thinking was, "I live in my head WAY too much of the time to ever have the term 'mystic' accurately applied to me."

In the spirit of that practicality, I really appreciated this blog post that I came across late last week. I found myself greatly encouraged by the author's practicality, and by her take on the question Mary asked, "How will this be, since I'm a virgin?"

And with that, I'm going to take the very practical step of washing dishes, and then maybe lying in a hot bath for a while.

I'm tired. I've had my lights out by 11pm two nights in a row this week, and I think tonight may well be the third. I can't remember the last time that happened. Now, if I could just manage to sleep deeply and without dreams.

Later!

Seeing God for Others - Henri Nouwen

Seeing God for Others

The experience of the fullness of time, during which God is so present, so real, so tangibly near that we can hardly believe that everyone does not see God as we do, is given to us to deepen our lives of prayer and strengthen our lives of ministry. Having experienced God in the fullness of time, we have a lifelong desire to be with God and to proclaim to others the God we experienced.

Peter, years after the death of Jesus, claims his Mount Tabor experience as the source for his witness. He says: "When we told you about the power and the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ, we were not slavishly repeating cleverly invented myths; no, we had seen his majesty with our own eyes ... when we were with him on the holy mountain" (2 Peter 1:16-18). Seeing God in the most intimate moments of our lives is seeing God for others.

The 19th

So, my baby brother is no longer a teenager. He turned 20 today. That makes me feel just a little bit old. We were laughing together at his party tonight - I told him it made me feel old, and he said it made him feel just a bit old too.

Happy Birthday T!

The Fullness of Time and The Mountaintop Experience - Henri Nouwen

Two more great reflections from Henri Nouwen:

The Fullness of time

Jesus came in the fullness of time. He will come again in the fullness of time. Wherever Jesus, the Christ, is the time is brought to its fullness.

We often experience our time as empty. We hope that tomorrow, next week, next month or next year the real things will happen. But sometimes we experience the fullness of time. That is when it seems that time stands still, that past, present, and future become one; that everything is present where we are; and that God, we, and all that is have come together in total unity. This is the experience of God's time. "When the completion of the time came [that is: in the fullness of time], God sent his Son, born of a woman" (Galatians 4:4), and in the fullness of time God will "bring everything together under Christ, as head, everything in the heavens and everything on earth" (Ephesians 1:10). It is in the fullness of time that we meet God.

The Mountaintop Experience

At some moments we experience complete unity within us and around us. This may happen when we stand on a mountaintop and are captivated by the view. It may happen when we witness the birth of a child or the death of a friend. It may happen when we have an intimate conversation or a family meal. It may happen in church during a service or in a quiet room during prayer. But whenever and however it happens we say to ourselves: "This is it ... everything fits ... all I ever hoped for is here."

This is the experience that Peter, James, and John had on the top of Mount Tabor when they saw the aspect of Jesus' face change and his clothing become sparkling white. They wanted that moment to last forever (see Luke 9:28-36). This is the experience of the fullness of time. These moments are given to us so that we can remember them when God seems far away and everything appears empty and useless. These experiences are true moments of grace.

Random Facts about Me

So, just because I was thinking about some of these things, here are some random facts about me...

• I could eat potato at just about any meal, in just about any form. Except mashed. I'm not that crazy about mashed potatoes.
• I say that about potatoes, because that's what I felt like eating tonight. Potatoes. So I made a spiced hashbrown type dish that I often make, and a few strips of bacon.
• Continuing in the food vein for a second, let me just say that I don't like breakfast foods. At least not for breakfast.
• I do however, eat breakfast for supper every once in a while. This is something my very straightlaced roommate finds odd. I come home, and make pancakes, or french toast, or hashbrowns and bacon. I grew up eating breakfast for supper occasionally. It's a Pippus family tradition. One which my roommate finds weird.
• I love almost any television that's not written for the dumbest possible viewer. Unless it's really crude, or really physical comedy.
• I love everything I've ever seen written by Aaron Sorkin. Sport's Night. The West Wing. Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. The American President.
• My phone rings so rarely that I'm always a little surprised when it does ring.
• I'm a sucker for impulse buys - particularly if they're practical items that I use regularly. I may not need the item at that moment, but if it's somewhere where I can grab it on impulse, and it's a good deal, I'll probably buy it.
• I'm also a sucker for sales.
• I have favorites of all kinds of things. Favorite jeans. Favorite socks. Favorite product lines. Favorite make-up.
  
• I have to be in exactly the right mood to shop for clothes. If I'm in the wrong mood, then I could try on the most perfect outfit, and I'll still hate it.

Okay, well, I can't think of any more particularly random facts at the moment, so I'm moving on to other things for the evening... see you around!

Tuesday Morning

There are several things I'm randomly thinking about this morning, that I'll probably eventually explore here further:

• the idea of rescue - I wrote a personal essay on this topic Sunday afternoon...
• that walmart at Christmas, even late at night, when it should be slow, is always a bad idea. I was there for 40 minutes last night. 20 minutes of that was standing in line to pay. And they didn't have most of what I needed to buy.
• 11 work days left before Malta. Crazy.
• if I lived in a city with great public transportation and a good climate (does such a city exist?) I'd wear skirts year round, and never drive anywhere again. Walking is very therapeutic.
• as per usual for this time of year at work, there are dozens of little projects on my desk, all urgent, and all being delayed by the slow response times of others, and I'm feeling the pressure to get them done before Christmas, and particularly before Malta.
• I'm having dinner with a friend tonight, but am looking forward to being home relatively early for a change.
• tea is almost always a good idea
• need to make decisions about a couple of upcoming things. things that make me nervous. need to spend some time sitting quietly in the next few days praying through those decisions.
• need some slow time for my brain to catch up to my body and soul - I'm dreaming every night again, the same dream for a whole night, in repetition, with different dreams every night. Not the spiritually significant sort of dreams that I sometimes have, but lots about the stuff of daily life, the stuff I'm thinking about. And lots of airports. Air travel seems to be a theme in my dreams - in the significant ones and the non-significant ones.
• mandarin oranges are a gift of god. even though I'm allergic to them, and they make my skin hyper-sensitive and hyper-reactive. How can you have Christmas without mandarins?
• the phones at work rang off the hook yesterday. Renewal season in progress, and grumpy policy holders and representatives are calling to tell us what we're doing wrong!
• and with that, there are things on my desk that rather desperately need attention, but first, I need to make a cup of tea!

See ya later!

In the thick

Things at work remain out of control busy. I think they'll be this way until I leave. My last day is January 8th. Only 12 days of work left.

The first half of this week is a little wild, too, with Christmas engagements and trying to see friends before everyone scatters for the holidays and I leave town for five weeks.

So, if it's quiet around here until Thursday, that's why!

See you around!

A Quick Tour

Okay, I know what some of you are thinking, "A tour of what?"

Well, let me tell you. I was walking through my house tonight, which most of you have never visited, and was thinking, there are some things I really love about this house that I rent, that I want to share with people, because if you don't have my eyes, you might miss the things that make our house special.

So, I'm still learning the ins and outs of my new camera, but I walked around and took a few pictures of a few of the special things in my house, and now I'm sharing them with you!

This would be me, sporting newly shortened hair, new jeans, and comfy new waffle weave hoody, and smiling for the camera (which is also relatively new). You can see a bookcase behind me. There are four bookcases in my bedroom of varying sizes, and one in my living room. Bookcases are one of my favorite things (especially when they're full to overflowing like mine are!)
This is the chair in which I sit to read and pray. It's my retreat spot, and I generally try to keep it clutter free so that it's always peaceful and ready when I need a moment to rest. It's one of my favorite places in my house, and it's located in a corner of my bedroom. It's also where I usually sit for the marathon phone conversations I have with my friend Shelley. I like a chair I can curl up in. Though I've got to admit, that last night during a phone conversation, I propped my feet up on the bookcase you see on the right of the photo there.

This is the spot I can generally be found when I'm not curled up in the previous chair. I do a lot of my lighting of candles type praying in our living room. You can't tell from the picture, but there are six tea lites burning on my coffee table tonight. You can also see my favorite blanket in which to curl up in on the couch there, my laptop - always an essential, and the couple of books I'm reading currently, topped with a pen, because I find it nearly impossible to read without a pen in hand - I mark almost all non-fiction books that I read - which means I buy rather than borrow most of my non-fiction.
These are the photos of Paris that hang on my living room wall. This is NOT a good picture. And it's too long a story to explain why these are something that speak deeply to me, but they do, and they hang prominently on the main wall of my living room.


And this, this is my kitchen. Here's my favorite feature of my kitchen. There is always a kettle on our stove, ready and waiting to boil water and serve tea. I have a bit of a reputation for serving tea. Last week, when I hosted a Bible study, and was completely confuddled due to dealing with ridiculous customer service issues with Air Canada, and didn't have everything out in time, the kids who came just headed for my kitchen, put water on to boil, and rummaged in the cupboards for tea. I love that I have a kitchen that is always ready for tea. Tea is so important in my life - is that weird? It's a way that I calm myself, and it's a habit, and sometimes, when there just aren't any words, it's a prayer.

Well, those are just a few pictures from my house. A few things I'm thankful for tonight... come visit me sometime, and I'll show you some others.

Later!

45 Minutes

I have 45 minutes to pull myself together.

45 minutes to go from a bathrobe and wet hair going in every direction to nicely dressed, with styled hair and makeup.

45 minutes to treat my traumatized dry skin with lotion.

45 minutes to convince myself that I really do WANT to do the two things that I've scheduled for today, and that I'll enjoy them, and that I'm not doing them out of guilt and obligation.

45 minutes to shake the ghosts of dreams from a restless night, and pull myself into a space that will engage with Jesus when I sit down on that stacking chair at church.

45 minutes to pray for a meeting I'm having this afternoon. One that I'm anticipating and dreading in nearly equal parts.

45 minutes to decide if I can eat something this morning, or if I'm going to have to pack some snacks that will get me through the day.

45 minutes to make a cup of tea to-go.

45 minutes until I need to walk out my front door, with a smile on my face, and engage the day.

Good Food

I cooked a dinner that tasted fantastic tonight.

Baby carrots, bok choy, yellow and orange peppers, snow peas, broccoli and chicken all stir-fried with just the right sauces, and served over rice vermicelli.

I just thought I'd share that with you. And show you pictures!

A challenging quote

I received the following quote in a daily email that I received from Sojourners yesterday, and found in to be worth passing on, so, here it is!

We still need prophets to summon us back to the spiritual roots of wholeness and peace. We still need broadcasters of God’s word and magnifiers of God’s truth, so that we will understand and turn and be healed.

- Kenneth L. Waters, Sr.
I Saw the Lord

Saturday Calm

I love unscheduled Saturdays.

I went to the Farmer's Market this morning. Bought sausages, baby potatoes, broccoli, snow peas, and baby bok choy.

The bottle depot came next. I made $6.20 on my recycling. Basically paid for the two bags of baby potatoes.

Then I went to the library.

And the grocery store - bought some special appetizer treats for our annual Christmas eve feast. Pastry wrapped brie and cranberries. Hot spinach and artichoke dip.

Dropped the Christmas eve goodies at mom and dad's house, and headed back home.

I'm satisfied fully with the little things. I made a perfectly lovely grilled cheese sandwich for lunch, and some cucumber

I may do some baking this afternoon. Hard to say.

I'm going to make a fantastic stir-fry for dinner with the fresh vegetables I bought this morning. I'm tired of cooking just for myself, so I'll probably feed my roommate as well.

I'm folding laundry and doing some cleaning this afternoon. Watching the latest Harry Potter movie to be released on dvd while I putter around the house.

In the division of labor that has evolved in our house, I am responsible for floors, while my roommate does the bathroom every week or two. So, I need to sweep our bathroom, laundry room, kitchen and stairs today. I also need to mop our stairs, which are getting rather grubby from the tracking in of snow and dirt from the outside world. I'll probably vacuum our living room and dining room and landing as well.

At some point I'll probably curl up in the bathtub with a good book and soak my sore muscles away.

I love the calm and quiet of Saturday's like this. I feel so very restful and at peace. I don't get very many days like this, so I rather cling to the ones I do get.

And with that, I'm going back to my laundry.

Later!

tea and plans

I'm sitting crosslegged on the desk chair in my bedroom, staring at my laptop screen propped on the desk in front of me, and sipping a tall mug of vanilla rooibos tea. (I happen to think that tea should be made in large mugs - not tiny cups. Why do you get coffee in such a large quantity, but tea, which is equally, or in my opinion more, delicious, comes in a tiny cup? I make my tea in tall mugs that I can cradle with both hands, savoring the smell and the warmth of the mug in my hands.)

This has been a pretty good day.

Work was uneventful for a change - almost peaceful. We accomplished a major goal, and to celebrate, our manager let most of us leave an hour and a half early.

I took the bus home, enjoying the quiet and seeing the sun. I've been arriving at work as the sun is still rising, and leaving as it begins to set each day, so it was nice to see it for an hour or so on the bus. I read a bit more of "Eat, Pray, Love" and a bit more of the novel I'm currently working my way through. I daydreamed, and dozed against the window for a while.

On my way home I stopped at the mall. I was on a mission to replace some jeans. I discovered this week that both my favorite and second favorite pairs of jeans had holes in the same inopportune location. So I went to the store where I bought my favorite jeans, and bought another pair, as well as a different pair, which I also loved.

Bought a few more things at a couple of other locations in the mall before heading home... things that make me feel pretty...

I'm feeling peaceful tonight. Anticipating a weekend where I've plans to pretty much (with a few exceptions) do only the things I find life-giving and restful.

I'm wearing new clothes, and that's always fun.

I'm debating the merits of making a late dinner, but thinking I'm not that hungry.

I'm going to the farmer's market in the morning. I'm sure I'll buy beautiful ingredients and feel inspired to cook.

On Sunday I'm going to my favorite tea shop in a funky, artsy neighborhood near downtown. One of my favorite places to wander, though I don't get there nearly often enough.

I love the places like the farmer's market and this neighborhood that inspire the artistic parts of my soul. The bohemian, hippie part of me feels awakened in those sorts of places - places full of color and beauty and truly interesting people. I feel a bit more alive, a bit more myself, and like there's someplace I fit in those spots.

I'm going to read and clean, and watch movies for the rest of the evening and most of the day tomorrow. I'm going to make a thank you card for someone, and light candles and spend time praying. I'm going to restore order in my bedroom - turn it back into my peaceful retreat instead of the disaster zone it's become over these last two exhausting weeks. I'm going to make some lists - things I need to do, things I have to take care of before travelling. I may do the recycling, or go somewhere to take photos. I'm probably going to cook something lovely, though it's certainly more fun to cook when there's someone else to cook for... I might bake lemon shortbread, with this tangy lemon icing - my brothers hate it, and it's actually not my favorite either, but everyone else I've ever shared them with loves it - I'll take it to work, and to the church cookie buffet on the 23rd. I'll put some out for our Christmas eve finger food feast, and give some to my dad, because he really likes it.

I'm going to embrace the earthy, practical, sometimes artsy parts of me this weekend.

I'm going to phone my brothers and see what they think about an idea I had for a Christmas gift for our parents.

I'm probably going to go to the library.

I may go to church Sunday morning, or I may sleep in and cherish a morning with no commitments.

I'm going to keep drinking tea.

Good night!

Friday morning beauty

I'm really glad it's Friday. I'm rather desperately in need of a weekend to catch up on some things (including rest!).

I was thinking about the things that inspire me this morning - the things that challenge me to live more fully and deeply. The things that strike me as beautiful.

Lately, in the midst of crazy and often painful times, the Lord has gifted me with an ability to see something beautiful in even the most common and ugly moments.

So, in the spirit of lists, here are some things that are inspiring me lately:

• morning train commutes. yes, I hate the general idea of public transit, but most days, the walk and train ride are times of deep quiet for me. times to think and pray, and listen to the words the Father is speaking to my heart for the day.
• some beautiful sunsets
• an unexpected email from a friend who I respect for living her dream, encouraging me as I pursue one of mine by heading for Malta next month
• twinkle lights strung around the trees at Olympic plaza
• music from Jacob and Lily
• emails from various friends
• great writing - in various forms - on a television show I've been watching on dvd (Sports Night) - in a book I've been reading (Eat, Pray, Love)
• Christmas lights on my tree
• lit candles in my living room
• hanging out with some of my youth kids who are artists and seeing the world a little through their eyes
• anything that makes me laugh

These are only some of things, but they're the ones that spring immediately to mind this morning - the ones I'm choosing to focus on today.

I'm really glad it's Friday. I need the weekend, but in the eight hours between now and when the weekend begins, I'm going to try and remember the places I see beauty, and live in that space.

ufff....

This has been one of those days.

I had problems all day with Air Canada, working to change a flight. Finally accomplished it half-way through the Bible study I was leading tonight. Air Canada is not on my list of customer service winners tonight. I'm still waiting to hear from Air Malta on another flight I'm working on changing.

I'm exhausted. I've only eaten about one meal a day for the last week. It's all my stomach has tolerated.

I have a headache, a stiff neck and back, and a desperate need for a full night of sleep. My usual Thursday night television routine is a re-run tonight. I think I'm going to crawl into bed early with a good book, and hopefully sleep for quite a while.

I lived with less than 100 percent as I led a Bible study tonight. It was okay. It would have been better if I hadn't been so personally challenged by the chapters of Velvet Elvis we were studying that I never wrote coherent discussion questions. But hey, we had a good discussion anyway, and I'll have to go back through the chapters again, since they were speaking much to my heart.

ufff... a good statement of feeling for tonight. See you tomorrow.

Anticipating the Vision - Henri Nouwen

Another thought from Henri Nouwen:

Anticipating the Vision

The marvelous vision of the peaceable Kingdom, in which all violence has been overcome and all men, women, and children live in loving unity with nature, calls for its realisation in our day-to-day lives. Instead of being an escapist dream, it challenges us to anticipate what it promises. Every time we forgive our neighbor, every time we make a child smile, every time we show compassion to a suffering person, every time we arrange a bouquet of flowers, offer care to tame or wild animals, prevent pollution, create beauty in our homes and gardens, and work for peace and justice among peoples and nations we are making the vision come true.

We must remind one another constantly of the vision. Whenever it comes alive in us we will find new energy to live it out, right where we are. Instead of making us escape real life, this beautiful vision gets us involved.

Reflecting on where I'm at...

I would like to be able to approach everything in life at 100%.

The reality right now is that I can't.

Today, for the first time in a couple of weeks, I'm feeling a bit like my energy is coming back.

I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel in terms of work stress.

I'm wishing I could approach every ministry commitment, every coffee date with a friend, every family commitment, every prayer I pray with 100% energy and strength, but I'm learning to be okay when I can't.

I talked a few days ago here about the fact that my soul feels quiet right now - and that that unsettles me, but seems to be a good thing.

I go home at night right now and collapse on the couch for the evening, too tired to attack the dozens of things around my house that need doing.

My bedroom, normally my place of rest and refuge, a place I generally keep tidy and peaceful, looks like a warzone, the debris of clothing and paperwork and weekend trips from the last few weeks strewn everywhere. It bothers me, but I haven't had the energy to fix it.

I haven't been eating much lately either. My stomach doesn't handle stress and exhaustion well. I've been managing to keep down maybe one full meal a day, and a few snacks here and there. Today I'm trying to only eat when I'm really hungry, and see if I can con my stomach into accepting a bit more food.

I've been collapsing into bed at night - falling asleep in the middle of pages of my novel or whatever I happen to be reading.

Last night, as I flipped open my bible to do my nightly reading before sleep, I felt Jesus prompting me to read something more challenging for a change. I've been reading the Psalms for months now. It's all I've felt up to reading - and the Lord has been speaking deeply to my heart as I read them. But last night I felt the prompting to move my reading outside of the Psalms and begin to challenge myself a little more deeply again. So I started reading the book of Daniel. And I think I'll probably go back to reading some of the Gospels again - saturating myself in the words and actions of Jesus.

I'm sharing unexpectedly about my trip to Malta in a staff meeting this afternoon. I work for a Christian company, and circulated my prayer letter to our staff by email, but this morning my boss asked me if I would talk a little about the trip in our meeting. This isn't that unusual for our company, but was unexpected today. I'm asking Jesus for just the right words to communicate my excitement and my heart for the trip.

The quietness of my soul is beginning to permeate my life. Today, for the first time in a week, my body doesn't completely ache with stiff muscles. I slept better (and longer) last night than I have in a while. I'm carrying deep in my heart prayers for friends who are struggling. I'm feeling slightly restored today - like I can face the remainder of the week, and the ones that come after it. Like I can face the holidays, and the time demands of preparing to leave for Malta just after the new year.

I'm taking the bus home tonight. I'm going to read the chapters of Velvet Elvis that I'm teaching a Bible study on tomorrow night. I'm going to cook myself dinner tonight - fresh baby potatoes and asparagus. Maybe salad and some chicken or pork. I'm going to treat myself to an evening in front of the television, but I'm going to multi-task and do laundry and catch up on some administrative stuff like my budget at the same time. And I may invite a friend over to watch television with me. I'm going to take a long shower, and style my hair so that I can wear it down tomorrow morning. I may even start cleaning my bedroom.

I'm feeling quiet, but I feel my strength coming back in a way it hasn't been for a few months. My heart is at rest within me for the moment, and I feel a sense of peace. I'm feeling like this is a crazy, stretching, but really good space to be occupying.

More from Henri Nouwen

I got a few more good thoughts from the Henri Nouwen society the last couple of days, and thought that I'd pass them along to you.

The Peaceable Kingdom

All of creation belongs together in the arms of its Creator. The final vision is that not only will all men and women recognise that they are brothers and sisters called to live in unity but all members of God's creation will come together in complete harmony. Jesus the Christ came to realise that vision. Long before he was born, the prophet Isaiah saw it:

The wolf will live with the lamb, the panther lie down with the kid, calf, lion and fat-stock beast together, with a little boy to lead them. The cow and the bear will graze, their young will lie down together. The lion will eat hay like the ox. The infant will play over the den of the adder; the baby will put his hand into the viper's lair. No hurt, no harm will be done on all my holy mountain, for the country will be full of knowledge of Yahweh as the waters cover the sea. (Isaiah 11:6-9)

We must keep this vision alive.

Energizing Visions

Are the great visions of the ultimate peace among all people and the ultimate harmony of all creation just utopian fairy tales? No, they are not! They correspond to the deepest longings of the human heart and point to the truth waiting to be revealed beyond all lies and deceptions. These visions nurture our souls and strengthen our hearts. They offer us hope when we are close to despair, courage when we are tempted to give up on life, and trust when suspicion seems the more logical attitude. Without these visions our deepest aspirations, which give us the energy to overcome great obstacles and painful setbacks, will be dulled and our lives will become flat, boring, and finally destructive. Our visions enable us to live the full life.

Quiet again

I feel like a lot of parts of my life are quiet right now. In a weirdly intense kind of way.

Like there just aren't a lot of words to go around the things that are going on in me.

I don't know how I feel about that.

I kind of want the control of being able to name exactly what I'm experiencing.

On the other hand, I know that the things I'm going through are deep and beautiful, and worth experiencing, even if they can't be named or controlled.

So, I'm quiet again.

Tired...

Have you ever had those times when you're so chronically behind on sleep that even when you've had a decent night's rest, you still feel fuzzy and completely exhausted? I'm there right now, though I've only had about 2 proper nights of sleep in the past couple of weeks.

Work remains crazy. I told someone this morning, "I'm really good at multi-tasking, but right now, if anyone asks me for one more thing, my brain may implode." I am a methodical, linear thinker by nature. I like to do one thing, from start to finish, or at least to a good stopping point, before I start the next thing. This is an impossibility at the moment, and it's taxing my limited mental reserves.

I'm wondering where I'm going to find the energy to read and write a Bible study about chapters 5 and 6 of Velvet Elvis before Thursday night when I have to lead a Bible study about said chapters. I tried to read a novel that I've read several times previously just for a few minutes last night, and fully fell asleep making the attempt. Not sure how I'm going to manage to stay awake and think coherently enought to create discussion questions around 2 full chapters of a book.

The stress and exhaustion are affecting my appetite again. I'm subsisting on mandarin oranges and crackers, and even those aren't sitting all that well. I'm also eating chocolate, because it's appealing, my body doesn't seem to be rejecting it, and it gives me the little sugar rushes I've been needing. (I know - SO not healthy, but I'm working on it!) I'm drinking water by the gallon as well.

I need a nap - or to stay home from work for a day and do nothing but sleep. I can't do either. I don't have time.

One month from today I'll be on a plane to Malta - how crazy is that?

Until later!

Perspective

Someone asked me this morning why, if I hate my job so much, I don't just quit.

Here's the answer. I don't hate my job in general. I hate my job right now. I hate the stress. I hate the time crunch, and being the last person in line to receive the items, but the one who has to do the most to them to get them out the door. I hate being blamed for things I can't control, and being the punching bag for other people's stress. I hate my boss' current pushing of an attitude of "I will try my hardest to get that done" instead of "It won't be done today." I'm a realist - I will always try my hardest, but if I tell you it won't be done today, it probably won't be done today.

I have perspective. I know that in a week or two it will calm down around here again. I know that a month from tomorrow I will be getting on a plane to go to Malta for a month. I know that I will train a temp to do my job while I'm in Malta, and that I'll miss the busiest time of year for my job (with the exception of the next couple weeks). I know that, sometime in the spring or summer, when I make the next overseas trip, I won't have this job to come back to. That means this season is coming to an end, and I can stick it out (even when I really hate it) for the next while until the season really does end.

Liked this article...

It's been a while since I linked to any stories from my daily morning perusal of the news, but I came across this article on Rob Bell on the TIME magazine site this morning, and found it interesting, and thought I'd link to it for the rest of you!

The Hipper-Than-Thou Pastor

Tired...

I'm heading for bed. Or at least to read in bed.

I'm really tired. Weeks of sleeping only 4 or so hours most nights is catching up to me. Last night I stayed with some friends. I normally sleep well at their home for whatever reason - something I can't say about very many places. Last night wasn't unsettled, I just hardly slept.

I crashed for two hours on the couch this afternoon, and I'm still exhausted.

I did something to the muscles in my left shoulder and neck yesterday. They're painfully stiff. I'm laying with a magic bag draped behind me.

I'm dreading going back to work tomorrow. I feel guilty for dreading it, but I'm so done with the stress, and other's stress, and the negative emotions flying high, and having enough work for three people, when I'm only one person. I'm tired of being blamed for things that aren't my fault, and doing the work for a manager who has a staff, and for whom I don't even really work for.

I could use a week off.

This last while has been full of stressors. People stuff. Work stuff. Personal direction in life stuff. I could use a week where all that was on my agenda was laying on the beach with a really good book. Or laying on my couch with a really good book. Or laying in a bathtub with a really good book. (are you catching the theme here?)

This week, however, remains busy. Full of all the stressors. So, I'm choosing to trust - that Jesus walks with me and shields me. That I will survive (and possibly thrive). I'm choosing to be thankful for the beautiful things, and to try not to carry the ugly ones with me.

And I'm going to bed early.

Good night!

Sunday Afternoon

I drove home from Canmore this morning, stopped at my house long enough to change clothes, and headed for church. I taught Sunday school, stopped at the grocery store, and now I'm home.

Yesterday was great. I'm sure I'll write more about it at some point...

For today, I'm just relieved to be home, and on my couch. I'm tired.

I'm eating crackers, and leftover Chinese take out.

I've lit candles.

I'm watching Alpine skiing on the CBC.

I have four books within easy reach. 3 memoir type books, and a novel.

I'm planning a long, hot bath later this afternoon.

I may watch "Finding Neverland" (possibly in the style my dad spends Sunday afternoons - watching from behind my eyelids...)

I'm wearing sweats and wrapped in a blanket, propped against a couple pillows on the couch.

I'll eat a mandarin later, and maybe some cucumber and carrots.

I'm resting - enjoying Sabbath for a while.

feeling good

I feel good today. Amazing what not having the stress of knowing you have to go in to work does for a person.

I'm wearing my favorite bohemian top and my favorite jeans - the ones with just the tiniest spot on the left knee from an intimate moment of prayer and annointing with a dear friend. I did my new haircut by myself for the first time, and as much as I love the way my hairstylist flatirons it for me, I think I love this wavy/curly look more. I put on some makeup, and my favorite perfume, and I'm ready to head into the day.

I'm going to the mountains to spend the day with a good friend and her family. What better way is there to spend a day off?

See you around!

On my mind...

Here are just a few of the things I'm thinking about tonight, written in my preferred, rambling sort of fashion.

My dad and I had an argument the other night about idealism. He says that it is never a good thing, that it is just something that you have when you are young, and that it comes to no good. I maintain that it is a beautiful thing, and brings much good, though, when pressed, I admit to struggling to come up with the sorts of practical, concrete examples he was looking for.

I am just presently engaged in the re-reading of a number of books in the "Anne of Green Gables" series by Lucy Maud Montgomery. I've loved these books since I was a child, and I love them still. Unlike many, though, my favorites are not the ones where Anne is a precocious child, but the later ones, the coming of age stories, where Anne is a young woman, teaching, and negotiating life and relationships, finding her way in the world.

I was rereading a blog post I wrote back in October tonight, and a few lines caught me. I wrote, "I allowed Jesus to draw me deeper into Himself, and thus make me more fully myself, for I've discovered that the moments when I'm most alive, most myself, are the moments when I am most deeply connected to what Jesus is doing in a time or place." I wonder if I realized the truth in that statement as it rolled off my fingertips? The moments when I have felt most at home (and completely alien at the same time!) in my own skin are the moments when I have been most lost in Jesus, and the things He is doing.

Have you ever had an encounter with a complete stranger, where, though no words were exchanged, it made you pause? I had an encounter like that on the train this morning. I was listening to my ipod, and generally allowing my mind to drift in the fashion I often do early in the morning, when, at one of the stops, an older man stepped on the train. He was carrying tools with him, and had the hard, weathered look of one who has done manual labor in all sorts of weather for many years. He was completely unremarkable, like dozens of other commuters I see each day, and yet, something about him made me pause. I blame it on the prayer I prayed not so long ago, asking Jesus to truly let me "see". I couldn't tell you what I saw, but I puzzled on it for a couple stops. Finally, I prayed simply in my head, "I see you. I don't know what you are, but I see you. And I carry Jesus with me." He got off at the next stop. A strange non-encounter sort of encounter, completely forgettable, and yet, it's stuck with me all day.

I'm reading a book right now, and while I'm only 60 or so pages in, can I just say that so far I heartily recommend it? The title? "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. How can you go wrong with those done in combination? Funny, how, even though the author is not a Christian - her journey of spiritual discovery ultimately (at least according to the copy on the back of the book - I'm still in the "eat" section) takes her to a yogi and an ashram somewhere in India, I am hearing Jesus in some of her descriptions. I read the conversations she has with herself, and hear Jesus speaking back to her. Her description (chapter 4, I think, should you happen to pick the book up) of the first time she prays was beautiful, and tonight, I came across the following paragraph, in which she is describing her experience of severe depression and coming to the point of admitting that it is true of her, and that she needs help, and I understood, oh so perfectly, the emotions she expresses. She writes:

"When you're lost in those woods, it sometimes takes you a while to realize that you are lost. For the longest time, you can convince yourself that you've just wandered a few feet off the path, that you'll find your way back to the trailhead any moment now. Then night falls again and again, and you still have no idea where you are, and it's time to admit that you have bewildered yourself so far off the path that you don't even know from which direction the sun rises anymore."

And with that thought, I think I'm going to leave you for the night. I'm going to curl up in bed, read a little more, and then sleep.

See you around!

Quiet Friday

I know I said I was going to read tonight. I may still do that. But, to be honest, I was so exhausted when I finally made it home from work that I couldn't bear the idea of immediately engaging my brain. Soooo... I'm watching a bit of television...

I also picked up a car from my parent's house.

In a while, I'll crawl into a nice, hot bath, and read.

I'm also going to prep a Sunday school lesson tonight.

I'm pondering the timing of the arrival of an information package that I requested from a seminary well over a month ago, the day after I found out that the job I was planning on is not going to be mine.

Tomorrow, you ask?

Tomorrow I'm going to pick my baby brother up just before nine, and drive him to a church on the way out of town. He's writing a royal conservatory music theory exam. I'm heading to Canmore to spend the day with a good friend. I can't wait.

I'm so glad this week is over. At about three this afternoon I honestly thought it was never going to end. On the bus on the way home, there was brand new driver again - for the second time this week, and the third time since I've been riding the route. A driver who needed directions on where to turn. Why Calgary transit puts rookie drivers on one of the longest and most complicated routes in the city without training them on the route first, I'll never understand.

But, it's the weekend, and I'm going to enjoy friends and family. I'm going to rest, and pray, and light candles. I'm going to try and not think about my job - and how next week promises to be even more crazy and stressful than this week. I'm going to read, and maybe do some baking. I'm going to talk with Jesus. I'm going to relax, breathe, take sabbath. It's so cool that I can do that.

With the wind...

I found out yesterday that I won't get the job I was so certain I'd get after all.

And I'm okay with that.

I'd prayed hard before making the decision to apply, and it seemed God was leading in that direction, so I went with it.

Within a week of applying, though, I found out some more details about possible future travel plans (next summer), and realized that if I wanted to follow my heart on the traveling, I couldn't make the time commitment to the job.

So, I let things sit in limbo, and waited for my employer to bring it up.

Yesterday morning, as we discussed the unpaid leave time that I'm taking to go to Malta, it came up.

I also found out that while they'll generously grant me leave for Malta, that's the only time they'll do it. The next time the Lord asks me to make a trip around the world somewhere, I'll be out of a job.

I wrote a friend last night to tell her about the job situation.

As I was writing, I realized that I really am okay.

I feel so many things changing still in my life... I am being pulled outward to the world, and sense that there will be many opportunities to travel in this next season. Possibilities (vaguely for some, less vague for others) exist on my radar for trips to Rwanda, Peru, India/Pakistan, and Europe.

I told my friend, "I want to be blown with the wind for this next while, not settled." I want to go wherever Jesus takes me and hang out with friends in locations spread across the country and across the globe.

I leave for Malta in just over a month.

I'm ready to float on the wind...

Quiet evening

I got my hair cut tonight, but I'm too lazy to take a picture to show you. 3 or 4 inches cut off. Layers. Bangs - albeit long ones. Generally it has a shape again. 6 months is too long in between cuts. But moving out and and a few other things made it less feasible to spend the money for a really good cut for a while there.

I wandered in the mall for a little while before I had the hair appointment. Mostly I hung out in the bookstore.

I've been in bookstores a little too often this week for the good of my budget.

I picked up two new titles tonight. Both were one's I was surprised to find in a secular, large chain bookstore. "Starving Jesus" by Craig Gross and J.R. Mahon, and "The Year I Got Everything I Wanted" by Cameron Conant. I've been reading Conant's blog for a while now (I link to it in my sidebar) and was delighted to find his book in the store tonight.

If this week ever actually ends (a fact I'm sort of doubting since it feels like one of the longest on record), I'm going to spend tomorrow evening curled up with lit candles, a cup of tea (or several) reading. I have at least three titles purchased this week that I'm looking forward to diving into. And a magazine. I have a magazine too. And probably a hot bath. The books would be good while soaking in sweetly scented salts for an hour or so.

For the moment, though, I'm going to enjoy watching Grey's Anatomy, then I'm going to try and catch some sleep. Not something I've been doing that well this week, but still worth the effort...

Surviving Thursday

I've hardly eaten today. I don't know exactly what's been going on with my body the last few days, but it's NOT happy with me at the moment. I'm inescapably nauseous just at the moment, and sipping tea and water as if my life depended on it.

I still need to get through three more hours of work, the evening commute, and a haircut before I get to be home for the night. If I can survive the time at work, then I'll make it.

The atmosphere in the office feels heavy again today, and I'm not sure why. There's not the usual things that are connected to that. It's making me more tired (and probably more ill) than usual.

I'll be glad when this week ends.

In the meantime, here are a few things I'm clinging to as things that are making me smile and remember that life is so much more about the things outside the walls of my office building.

• a fair degree of certainty about a job uncertainty that had been hanging in the balance for several weeks. (more on that another time).
• a surprise lunch with Kari since the highway was closed to clear up an accident
• the fact that my siblings and I each decided to purchase our own ticket to a Rascal Flatts concert in March, and make that our Christmas gift to each other - an evening out in March.
• a haircut scheduled for tonight.
• a venti passion tea sitting on my desk.
• a warm polar fleece sweater.
• that I get to take the bus home tonight instead of the train.

Odd Wednesday

In the tradition of Wednesday's lately, this one is bringing strange surprises.

I'm having some odd physical symptoms. Slightly blurred vision that comes and goes in my good eye. (concerning since my left eye is lazy, and my brain basically doesn't recognize the visual input from it, so I rely on my right eye to be able to see.) Oddly stuffed, buzzing, staticy sensation in my right ear. And a few other things that I won't mention for the moment.

I'm not particularly worried. It's a Wednesday after all. Weird things that are connected to the spiritual realm in ways I don't understand happen on Wednesdays.

It's snowing pretty heavily again, too. Should make the commute to my parent's house for a church leadership meeting kind of nasty later.

With that said, I'm going back to staring at spreadsheets and transferring tiny numbers to new columns. (Always fun with occasionally blurred vision!)

See ya later!

Wednesday Morning Smiles

Because it's Wednesday, 8:40 a.m., and the day already feels a bit crazy. Here it is... this week's edition of the things I love/that I'm thankful for/that are making me smile.

• passion tea
• that the Lord is speaking to my heart - even when it's in dreams and taking up part of my night's sleep
• nature valley sweet & salty granola bar for breakfast
• for friends that have aided and abbetted God as He's broadening my heart to the world
• for not waking up cold this morning
• for longjohns that let me survive the cold commute
• for figuring out an inner pocket so that my ipod doesn't freeze and stop working on the commute
• music that lifts my heart
• "The Elf's Lament" by the Barenaked Ladies and featuring Michael Buble from the album "Barenaked for the Holidays". Makes me crack up every time I hear it (and I play it a lot). So completely intelligent and subversive and funny. My new favorite lines? "Full indentured servitude can reflect on one's attitude, but that silly red hat just makes the fat man look outrageous." and "I make toys but I've got aspirations." I've taken to quoting that second one in all of the moments when I'm tired and sarcastic and nervous and stressed and am lacking for other words... makes people stare at me oddly!
• for a forecast that's supposed to get a bit warmer by the weekend
• for a haircut scheduled for tomorrow night. six months is too long in between haircuts. my hair is too long, and completely unmangageable. 3 or so inches coming off tomorrow night baby!
• for plans to hang out in the mountains with a dear friend for the day on Saturday.
• for a presentation about Malta that went smoothly at church on Sunday.
• for a level of relief from lingering dread that a conversation I had a few weeks ago stirred in me, and for the friend who saw clearly enough to pray for me when I described that conversation to her.
• for finding the perfect ornament to add to my collection started by our parents, symbolizing something significant from each year of our lives. (and what, you ask, did I buy to symbolize this year? a dove. If you want to know what that symbolizes for me (and it's not peace!) you'll have to ask me!)
• for the fact that I get to wear jeans to work every day this week because it's renewal season and I'm doing a lot more slightly dirty, up and down manual work.
• for the time saved every morning in not having to pack a pair of dress pants to change into once I get to work - I commute in jeans - they're warmer than a thin pair of dress pants, and they take the beating from the snow and slop that exists in the winter season better to.
• for mandarin oranges
• for smoked gouda
• for a working pair of headphones
• for music from Jacob and Lily
• for warmth and light

Tuesday evening...

I'm curled up in my praying chair, in the corner of my bedroom. There are candles lit, the scent of incense in the air because I was burning it earlier. A mug of tea within easy reach - mango rooibos is the brew of choice tonight. Soft instrumental piano music playing quietly on my laptop - a cd of old hymns.

The clutter around the room is bothering me, but I don't have the energy or drive to clean it tonight... maybe tomorrow, maybe not...

As I was driving home from the grocery store earlier tonight, I was searching for a word to describe how I've been feeling lately.

The word I came up with is "displaced".

I remember telling a friend towards the end of the summer that I was so tired of feeling as if my whole life was in transition all the time. The transitions have smoothed out, but there isn't yet the sense of comfort, of knowingness that comes with time and patience.

Displaced sounds like a bad thing. I don't mean it that way at all. I just mean that I am feeling as if I am slightly in between spaces. I'm no longer in the old (boring) comfortable and familiar space. I'm not quite fully into the new spaces I've begun to sense the Lord asking me to occupy. So I'm inbetween, slightly displaced. And I think it's a very good spot to be.

I had salad for supper (and at lunch, too, come to think of it). I can't remember the last time I had salad twice in one day. Probably before I moved out of mom and dad's house. Not being a huge lover of lettuce, I don't buy the stuff, and rarely make salads for myself, preferring to get my daily dose of vegetables in other forms. But today, it tasted really good.

I bought two books and a magazine tonight. Reading related purchases always make me happy. One of the books is the book on Africa that I started reading three weeks ago - I have to return my copy to the library, and wanted to purchase my own, and mark a few things I'd flagged before I returned the copy to the library. The other is a memoir about life and spirituality. Can I just say that memoirs make for some of my favorite reading of all-time? Particularly those that fall into the genre one of my university professors described as "spiritual autobiography." The magazine is one that looked like it might have some fun, uncomplicated Christmas ideas among other things, and will, if nothing else, probably provide some great clipping for collage projects in the future.

I'm thinking that I'll probably need to make a list of things that are making me smile either tonight or tomorrow morning. I'm in need of the reminders of the beautiful things in life at the moment...

Well... I think I'll read, and finish sipping my tea for a few minutes, then maybe watch a bit of television before bed...

until next time!

Nurturing the Eternal Life Within Us - Henri Nouwen

Nurturing the Eternal Life Within Us

The knowledge that Jesus came to dress our mortal bodies with immortality must help us develop an inner desire to be born to a new eternal life with him and encourage us to find ways to prepare for it.

It is important to nurture constantly the life of the Spirit of Jesus - which is the eternal life - that is already in us. Baptism gave us this life, the Eucharist maintains it, and our many spiritual practices - such as prayer, meditation, spiritual reading, and spiritual guidance - can help us to deepen and solidify it. The sacramental life and life with the Word of God gradually make us ready to let go of our mortal bodies and receive the mantle of immortality. Thus death is not the enemy who puts an end to everything but the friend who takes us by the hand and leads us into the Kingdom of eternal love.

The Motorcycle Diaries, Take 2

I fell in love with the beauty of South America all over again last night.

One of the kids I watched the movie with commented as it ended, "Crap, now I have to buy it, and I really want to go to Peru..."

I watched the faces of the two young artists sitting in my living room, as much as I watched the movie.

I watched and thought about the need for breath, such a strong theme in the movie. The need to overcome, the strength for change that comes in finding breath.

I watched and thought about breath, and prayed for the two sitting in my living room, that the things in their lives that stifle - the anxieties, the illnesses, the fears, the stuff of everyday boredom too - would lift, and that they would push through and find strength.

And I prayed for Peru, for this country that has a tiny portion of my heart. I prayed that Jesus will continue to speak to my heart, that he will make clear the timing of that trip, that the right companions for traveling will present themselves.

The Motorcycle Diaries...

I'm crashed on the couch, watching "The Motorcycle Diaries" again, with two of my youth kids.

Every time I watch this movie, I fall in love with South America from a distant, and hear again the call on my heart to travel to Peru.

The kids I'm watching with are both artist types... I know they'll see some of the beauty I see every time I watch this movie...

So I'm laying here, letting the Spanish flow over me, and praying for Peru again...

Monday

Today was a little bit crazy at the office.

Seems like almost nothing has gone smoothly with the transition of software systems that we're in the midst of, and today continued that stretch.

There are stressed out people everywhere, and some of my normal duties are suffering because people are dropping last minute high priority items on my desk. Leaving parts of my job undone stresses me out a bit.

I fell asleep for a little bit on the bus on my way home, in that head-bobbing, not quite fully asleep, but definitely can't make yourself wake up kind of way.

I'm having coffee with one of my youth kids in a few minutes.

Time spent praying, with lit candles is probably on my agenda for the evening.

Then hopefully an early bedtime...

More thoughts from Henri Nouwen

In the interests of clearing out my "to be followed up" email folder, here are two more reflections from Henri Nouwen that I had flagged to share with all of you.

Our Lives, Sowing Times

Our short lives on earth are sowing time. If there were no resurrection of the dead, everything we live on earth would come to nothing. How can we believe in a God who loves us unconditionally if all the joys and pains of our lives are in vain, vanishing in the earth with our mortal flesh and bones? Because God loves us unconditionally, from eternity to eternity, God cannot allow our bodies - the same as that in which Jesus, his Son and our savior, appeared to us - to be lost in final destruction.

No, life on earth is the time when the seeds of the risen body are planted. Paul says: "What is sown is perishable, but what is raised is imperishable; what is sown is contemptible but what is raised is glorious; what is sown is weak, but what is raised is powerful; what is sown is a natural body, and what is raised is a spiritual body" (1 Corinthians 15:42-44). This wonderful knowledge that nothing we live in our bodies is lived in vain holds a call for us to live every moment as a seed of eternity.

The wonderful knowledge, that nothing we live in our body is lived in vain, holds a call for us to live every moment as a seed of eternity.

The Dilemma of Life

Do we desire to be with Christ in the resurrection? It seems that most of us are not waiting for this new life but instead are doing everything possible to prolong our mortal lives. Still, as we grow more deeply into the spiritual life - the life in communion with our risen Lord - we gradually get in touch with our desire to move through the gate of death into the eternal life with Christ. This is no death wish but a desire for the fulfillment of all desires. Paul strongly experienced that desire. He writes: "Life to me, of course, is Christ, but then death would be a positive gain. ... I am caught in this dilemma: I want to be gone and to be with Christ, and this is by far the stronger desire - and yet for your sake to stay alive in this body is a more urgent need" (Philippians 1:21-24). This is a dilemma that few of us have, but it lays bare the core of the spiritual struggle.

Curled Up...

I wish you could see my house through my eyes tonight.

The tracklights that light our living room are dimmed, and there are candles lit on my coffee table - 6 tea lights and two pillars.

The tracklights are casting just the right glow on the photos of Paris hanging on the main wall of our living room.

My favorite throw blanket is strewn across the couch, where I can easily curl up in it.


On my tv, the movie "The Holiday" is playing. A feel-good, love story, Christmassy movie.

My kitchen smells great, because my roommate made brownies this afternoon, and I am cooking a favorite dinner - potatoes and sausages. The sausages are "turkey mango" homemade by a local butcher and purchased at the farmer's market last weekend, and they taste fantastic.

There are some books within arms reach of the spot on the couch where I am curled up (while not in the kitchen cooking).

I can hear the dryer tumbling in the background. I'll have warm, clean smelling pj's to crawl into later tonight.

My Bible is nearby, because I want to spend some time with it and a journal later, talking with Jesus about the upcoming week.

I'm planning for a long, hot bath later.

My Christmas tree is lit.

I wish you could see it all through my eyes, because I see home, and peace, and rest, and joy and deep beauty in all of these simple things.

Africa Wounded

I read a beautiful blog post, by a woman who seems to have spent much of her adult life as a missionary in Africa today. I've stolen her title, and I'll telling you that you need to go here and read her post.