Reflecting on where I'm at...

I would like to be able to approach everything in life at 100%.

The reality right now is that I can't.

Today, for the first time in a couple of weeks, I'm feeling a bit like my energy is coming back.

I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel in terms of work stress.

I'm wishing I could approach every ministry commitment, every coffee date with a friend, every family commitment, every prayer I pray with 100% energy and strength, but I'm learning to be okay when I can't.

I talked a few days ago here about the fact that my soul feels quiet right now - and that that unsettles me, but seems to be a good thing.

I go home at night right now and collapse on the couch for the evening, too tired to attack the dozens of things around my house that need doing.

My bedroom, normally my place of rest and refuge, a place I generally keep tidy and peaceful, looks like a warzone, the debris of clothing and paperwork and weekend trips from the last few weeks strewn everywhere. It bothers me, but I haven't had the energy to fix it.

I haven't been eating much lately either. My stomach doesn't handle stress and exhaustion well. I've been managing to keep down maybe one full meal a day, and a few snacks here and there. Today I'm trying to only eat when I'm really hungry, and see if I can con my stomach into accepting a bit more food.

I've been collapsing into bed at night - falling asleep in the middle of pages of my novel or whatever I happen to be reading.

Last night, as I flipped open my bible to do my nightly reading before sleep, I felt Jesus prompting me to read something more challenging for a change. I've been reading the Psalms for months now. It's all I've felt up to reading - and the Lord has been speaking deeply to my heart as I read them. But last night I felt the prompting to move my reading outside of the Psalms and begin to challenge myself a little more deeply again. So I started reading the book of Daniel. And I think I'll probably go back to reading some of the Gospels again - saturating myself in the words and actions of Jesus.

I'm sharing unexpectedly about my trip to Malta in a staff meeting this afternoon. I work for a Christian company, and circulated my prayer letter to our staff by email, but this morning my boss asked me if I would talk a little about the trip in our meeting. This isn't that unusual for our company, but was unexpected today. I'm asking Jesus for just the right words to communicate my excitement and my heart for the trip.

The quietness of my soul is beginning to permeate my life. Today, for the first time in a week, my body doesn't completely ache with stiff muscles. I slept better (and longer) last night than I have in a while. I'm carrying deep in my heart prayers for friends who are struggling. I'm feeling slightly restored today - like I can face the remainder of the week, and the ones that come after it. Like I can face the holidays, and the time demands of preparing to leave for Malta just after the new year.

I'm taking the bus home tonight. I'm going to read the chapters of Velvet Elvis that I'm teaching a Bible study on tomorrow night. I'm going to cook myself dinner tonight - fresh baby potatoes and asparagus. Maybe salad and some chicken or pork. I'm going to treat myself to an evening in front of the television, but I'm going to multi-task and do laundry and catch up on some administrative stuff like my budget at the same time. And I may invite a friend over to watch television with me. I'm going to take a long shower, and style my hair so that I can wear it down tomorrow morning. I may even start cleaning my bedroom.

I'm feeling quiet, but I feel my strength coming back in a way it hasn't been for a few months. My heart is at rest within me for the moment, and I feel a sense of peace. I'm feeling like this is a crazy, stretching, but really good space to be occupying.