Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 196

Today's Daily 5:

1. Bus drivers that crank the heat in cold weather
2. bookstore browsing (I seriously love just looking at books.  I added a bunch of titles in the travel and memoir sections to the list of books to check out someday that I keep in my phone.  I was also proud of myself for resisting the temptation to purchase books.)
3. Wireless access at school & watching last night's episode of The Amazing Race between classes (my team, the cowboys, are still in it!  I was a bit worried there after last week's cliff hanger.)
4. There's this really good little food stall in the student center that serves Vietnamese.  It had just opened in my last year of university the first time around, and I was delighted that it's still there.  It's definitely going to be a staple in my at school diet for any time that I'm a student to come.
5. Chocolate discovered in a pocket of my backpack at just the right moment
6. Italian wedding soup, passion tea (the old kind, not the new kind), and brownies for supper
7. A beautiful new scarf purchased in the Middle East by a friend
8. A package full of palm trees from the same friend (I had such big smiles when it showed up today and I opened it up!)
9. unpacking after being away for a while
10. the first time wearing cozy purple sheepskin lined slippers that L. brought from New Zealand.  (I'd requested a pair of slippers after loving a pair that a previous roommate had brought for me, and was delighted when L. gifted them to me yesterday.)
11. It was Bachelor night, baby!
12. the comfort of settling into my own bed for the first time in a week and a half
13. marking items off of lists
14. not having to drive on a day when the roads were admittedly sketchy
15. loving the novel I'm reading right now about life in Kabul

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 195

Today was a good day.  I got a hug today from one of my closest friends.  One I hadn't seen in a year since she insists on living on a different continent from me.  (Actually, I was counting, and she's been to four of the seven continents, plus a few places that aren't actually part of proper "continents", in the last four months!)  I went to dad's church this morning solely because I knew she would be there, and it was so much fun to be engrossed in conversation with someone, look up, and find her grinning at me and waiting for that hug.  I'll probably write more about that kind of friendship in the next day or two, but let me just tell you that today was good, in large part because I spent a good portion of it laughing with someone I love dearly.

So, today's Daily 5:

1. A hug from L.
2. The worship team sang an old 90s worship song that I love this morning "I Will Not be Shaken".  I love the lyrics to that song, and some of the memories of places I've been where we sang that.  It was a big one at the summer camp I worked at the summer I first really felt God speak and prompt me to speak and share something with someone, long before my life took the "crazy charismatic" turn it took some years later, towards the space in which I now exist.
3. Sharing communion at church
4. Lunch with L, sharing Vietnamese (according to her a very "Calgary thing to eat") and laughing
5. Introducing L. to a movie I've come to love, "Arranged", and talking about cultures and travel
6. Getting behind the wheel of a car and driving for the first time in probably five months, and while it was still stressful, it wasn't quite as panicky as it has sometimes been.  Thankful, too, for good road conditions today.
7. A hot bath and losing myself for a bit in a novel that transported me across the world and into a totally different culture
8. doing homework curled up in bed
9. the moments when words flow easily, even if it is just for a boring homework assignment
10. watching something snarky a friend directed me towards and laughing at her suggestions for assigning bits of it to a sticky situation I'm dealing with these days, as a way of laughing at the situation instead of being frustrated and stressed out and angry because of it.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 194

This was the kind of slow day where things to add to a Daily 5 list flowed easily.  A day where blessings seemed full and rich, and the pace was one that allowed for them to be savored.  The kind of day that is, in itself, a blessing, an item to add to the list.  The kind of day I love, because so many days it is hard to find even five reasons to smile, but sometimes, on days like today, they flow, and I see deep, rich grace in that.

Today's Daily 5:

1. A day where the blessings to count were full, rich, numerous, and able to be savored
2. Sleeping in a familiar and comfortable bed after time away from home
3. a banana for breakfast
4. attending my first yoga class in a week and a half
5. green grapes
6. peanut butter toast
7. fortune cookies (I seriously need to buy a box of these things - I love them!)
8. Sunshine
9. list making (I had several lists on the go today, to do items, and those sorts of things)
10. Pretty mittens
11. clean water
12. the man on the bus, resting his hand gently on the shoulder of the woman in the wheelchair he was accompanying, his words, his eyes, his demeanor, speaking love and grace for her.
13. Those moments when the bus becomes a holy space
14. worn-in, comfortable jeans
15. words that capture the intangible thoughts brewing beneath the surface
16. Books that transport me abroad
17. a soothing shower, offering rest and time to think without other noise
18. clean smelling pajamas and a towel to wrap my wet hair in - all still warm from the dryer
19. A line in The Amazing Race that made me laugh "I'm from Oklahoma - I don't do water.  I don't even take baths."
20. making a new brownie recipe
21. buttery popcorn
22. a day of catching up
23. sharing time with family
24. magic bags
25. curling up comfortably in bed with my laptop

Like Tea Bags

I came across this quote today, and had to share:

"Women are like tea bags; you never know how strong they are until they're put in hot water."
(Eleanor Roosevelt)

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 193

Today's Daily 5:

1. Sitting in a warm sunbeam, relaxing
2. watching Grey's Anatomy
3. waiting quietly for a flight - time to think, process, rest, pray
4. the beauty of flying over the mountains on a sunny day
5. the miracle of flight - what would be an 8 hour drive took 50 minutes in the air
6. time to chat with family
7. Chinese take-out
8. a hot shower after traveling
9. watching Kim Walker lead worship online
10. catching up on some favorite television shows.

Homeward Bound

In a couple hours I'll be getting on a plane, bound for home.

I'll be at my parent's place for the weekend, meaning, I suppose, depending on your definition, and mine is odd and ever changing, that I'll be truly home on Monday night.

Classes start again with a vengeance on Monday, and I'm mentally starting to gear up for that a bit.

It has been good to have some breathing room, to be away from the crazy realities of my day to day life, to hang out with friends, get hugs from a baby, watch some favorite movies, and rest a bit.

I have a list of things to accomplish this weekend that is, well, long. (Though most of them are relatively painless and can be done while sitting or reclining in bed.)

I plan to maintain the attitude of rest through the weekend.  I still feel the need for that.  It just might have to be a more active form of rest.

Sometime in the next several days I'll have the chance to see one of my favorite people in the world, my former roommate, L.  She'll be in Calgary for a visit for the next couple weeks, and while we have plans to spend a full day together late next week doing decadent things in the mountains, (afternoon tea service at a beautiful, historic hotel anyone?) I'm hoping to see her sometime before that day as well.

Tomorrow morning I'm going to take my first yoga class in a week and a half.  I expect my body will be protesting that on Sunday, but I think it will be worth it to round out my week of rest by stretching and resting.  I'm looking forward to the warm room and the peaceful nature of the class.

But for now, I'm catching up on a few things online, and chatting with my friend, across the table, and getting ready for my flight.  It looks like a clear (though very cold) day, and that should make for a beautiful view flying back across the mountains.  I'm not one of those people who has anxiety when flying - I actually love to fly, and always want a window seat, so that I can see what we're flying over

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 192

Today's Daily 5:

1. Watching the movie "Arranged" last night with a friend (have you seen this movie?  I might have to devote a whole post to it!  I LOVE it!)
2. Popcorn
3. Getting a comment on my blog from an author I really respect, and whose books are always some of my favorites
4. the wonders of an e-boarding pass for my flight tomorrow (here's hoping it goes smoothly at the airport!)
5. Pizza
6. Cinnamon buns

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 191

Today's Daily 5:

1. ordering a necklace with my "one word" for the year on it
2. sitting in sunbeams through a window
3. lazy mornings
4. a restaurant with palm tree decorations that made me laugh
5. a child's laughter

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 190

Today's Daily 5:

1. 1 Year, 190 days of making these lists
2. laying in bed for a long time after waking in the morning
3. catching up on emails
4. the welcome warmth of a shower
5. a great salad for dinner.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 189

Today's Daily 5:

1. Raisin toast
2. Bright sunshine warm on skin through windows
3. Reading with a baby
4. Pomegranate green tea
5. Reading a magazine for nothing but fun, slowly, with no specific purpose
6. Magazine quote
7. Story of a mermaid tail
8. iPhone for notes and sharing
9. A Creative ad in the magazine
10. 20 questions article
11. Dozing on the couch to Monty python
12. "Hi Pizza! Hi Pizza" - I've been renamed!
13. Sharing dinner with friends
14. Girl's time out
15. A mellow day

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 188

Today's Daily 5:

1. Attending church with friends
2. lazy, sunny, Sunday afternoons
3. brownies
4. a kit-kat bar
5. enjoying worship live online while puttering

Resting

I'm on vacation, away from home for a week.

If it's quiet around here, that's why.  I left yesterday, and quite frankly, didn't have the energy before I left to do what I usually do and take time to schedule posts for the days I'll be away.

I'll be here every night for the daily 5, and maybe even in between some days, but I need to rest, and I'm giving myself permission to not push to have something to say here every day if I just don't feel like I have anything to say.

So, I'll see you for the daily 5's and I'll see you at the end of the week.

If you're the praying sort, please pray for this time away to be refreshing.  After a hard year, I'm rather deeply in need of some rest, and I'm excited to have this brief break in the class schedule that has allowed me to escape my city for a bit and be with friends.  So, please pray for rest and healing and restoration.  Thanks all!

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 187

Today's Daily 5:

1. the first shave with a new razor, so smooth, and without irritated skin on my legs
2. a tea biscuit from Tim Horton's
3. Comfy clothes to travel in
4. flying over a mountain range on a sunny day (so beautiful)
5. being greeted with a hug at the airport
6. time and long conversations with friends

Thinking About Safety

I've been thinking a bit lately, about following Jesus, and safety.

Francis Chan talked a bit about it in Crazy Love, writing:

People who are obsessed with Jesus aren't consumed with their personal safety and comfort above all else.  Obsessed people care more about God's kingdom coming to this earth than their own lives being shielded from pain or distress. (pg. 133)

and

A person who is obsessed with Jesus is more concerned with his or her character than comfort.  Obsessed people know that true joy doesn't depend on circumstances or environment; it is a gift that must be chosen and cultivated, a gift that ultimately comes from God (James 1:2-4). (pg. 146)

I read this blog post about it the other day, and it struck deeply as well.

I find myself incredibly challenged, just presently, by this message that isn't really new, and yet feels incredibly fresh.

This message that says that if I am following Jesus, if I am living in the midst of his will for me, then it is the safest and most perfect place I can be.  But that that safety doesn't necessarily include my physical safety.

I've heard some personal stories lately that have really challenged me in this too.  Stories that have caused me to ask again if I am willing to surrender even this, this "right" to my safety.  If I am willing to trust Jesus with this most fundamental of things.  If I am willing to trust that if I value my life, he values it so much more.

It's not an easy question to answer, but it's one that is working in stretching and challenging and wonderful ways in my heart right now.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 186

Today's Daily 5:

1. Finishing the last assignment due before reading break
2. loved the outfit I was wearing today - jeans from New Zealand (hand me down from one of my former roommates), cute green sweater from my favorite store, the new scarf I bought yesterday (circle scarf from American Apparel), my black semi cat-eye "conservative" glasses, and cozy knock-off Ugg boots (because I'm way too "broke student cheap" to buy the real thing).
3. recognizing that sometimes it helps to just say it
4. chocolate
5. my student loan funding finally landed in my bank account
6. taking the train today because my time was short made me grateful that most of the time my time isn't short, and I can take the much quieter, much more comfortable bus
7. water flowing under the ice and the reminder of lessons learned a few years back from Steve Bell's song "The Water Runs"
8. an unexpected text message and promise of a coffee date in the near future from the friend who was with me the night I was healed from depression
9. a good appointment
10. the unique lighting of a late winter afternoon
11. coconut with chocolate (though Bounty, the Canadian option, is no substitute for Almond Joy)
12. fruit juice
13. a rush hour bus that wasn't overcrowded
14. dinner out with mom and dad
15. crashing in bed and enjoying the relief that comes in watching Grey's Anatomy and shutting off my brain for a bit

I am learning...

I am learning about choices and perspective and proportional response.

I'm learning that my responses become disproportionate when I haven't slept well, or eaten properly, but especially when I haven't slept.

I'm learning that I can choose whether or not something is a setback. That I can choose how I respond. That the grade that is lower than I prefer can be a day-ruining disaster, or that I can acknowledge that I probably should have studied more, and choose to do that the next time.

I'm learning that chocolate really is essential, and that being thankful for the little things really does make a difference.

I'm learning that humbling myself enough to admit the struggle is huge. That so often the internal cease fire comes when I stop to write it down or share it with a trusted friend.

I'm learning that writing or sharing it can restore proportion.

I'm learning to recognize those ever more frequent moments when my internal dialogue shifts and my heart voice begins to quiet the voices of fear and shame and guilt that have taken up residence in my head and some sort of equilibrium is restored.

I'm learning that so often that shift of voices comes when I humble myself and ask the ones I trust to pray.

I'm learning that I am held on the breath of those prayers, heard or unheard by my ears.

I'm learning that the shift of voices, the humbling, the breathy prayers, usher me onto holy ground, if I will only let them.

I'm learning to let them.

Because I'm learning to believe that it is there that healing is coming.

Squirrel Underpants!

Last weekend I was out with a friend and we stopped in a toy and novelty shop.  This product was too funny not to take photos of.

I'm not sure how well you can read that, but the top part on the back says "A portion of the proceeds from this product will be donated to the Small Animal Decency Fund which seeks to rid our neighborhoods of any potentially offensive naturally occurring indecent exposures."

For some reason this goofy product made me remember signs by the beaches I visited in California, warning people not to feed squirrels, and a funny conversation my friend and I had about those signs and about things like finding squirrels as a display in a foreign zoo.

And so, I present to you, Squirrel Underpants!

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 185

Today's Daily 5:

1. Only taking one bus (no transfers!) to get to a far away destination.  Yes, it would have been faster if I'd made a couple of transfers, but honestly, I was quite happy to be out of the cold, and sit and read my book, and I had the time today, so why not?
2. Reading a book whose words my heart can taste
3. a sunny (if incredibly cold) day
4. a long bath
5. an email from L. planning our upcoming time together
6. buying a new scarf
7. trading emails with a new friend
8. more palm tree photos arrived in my email inbox today from the other side of the world!
9. packing for my upcoming trip (not staying at grandma's tomorrow night, so needed to pack tonight)
10. a mostly good day

Discerning Voices

Earlier this week, over the course of one evening, I came across these two blog posts.

This one.

And this one that my friend Karla wrote.

Karla's words struck me because I have also been on a journey of sorting out the things I have been falsely agreeing with, and thus giving them power.

But it was these questions,  some of the ones from the first post I linked to, about discerning which voices should be allowed to speak into our lives, that really struck me.  I think I was caught by these questions, and I'm listing them here because this is a process I have very much been working through - the discernment of the voices in my life, and whether or not they are healthy.  Whether they give life, or suck it from me.  And, as I've been working through this process, I've made changes in which voices are part of my life.  I've chosen to limit or eliminate some unhealthy ones, and invited some new, and very healthy ones to the table.

And so, the questions:

• Does the source evidence character/integrity?
• Does the source evidence wisdom and understanding?
• Does the source bring inspiration into my life?
• Does the source evidence intellect and knowledge?
• Does the source model a life I desire?
• Does the source have a selfless agenda?
• Does the source genuinely love me? 

It's worth it to click through and read the descriptions and details included with the questions.

The question of voices and what they speak is challenging to me.

What voices am I listening to that need to go?

What voices are healthy at their source and helping me to become healthy?

And you?  What are you agreeing with?  What are the voices speaking into your life saying?  Are those good things?  Or are there voices that need to go?

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 184

Today was a harder day in which to assemble a daily 5, and I think I only made it to 6 items for the first time in quite a while, but here goes nothing.

Today's Daily 5:

1. After a really challenging morning, when I finally landed at mom and dad's this afternoon, I called it quits.  I landed myself for the next hour or so in a hot bath, with a novel, desperately in need of that bit of escapism, and it was so lovely.
2. Went to a yoga class tonight - again, definitely needed the relaxation and focus.
3. And, after healthily sweating for 90 minutes, I decided what I really needed was comfort food.  So I had Macdonalds!
4. I spent a bit of time watching a couple of the videos done to accompany "One Thousand Gifts", the book I'm reading right now.  I particularly appreciated the video (and the chapter) for chapter two.
5. I took the time to paint my finger and toenails tonight
6. Getting a surprise call from a friend who knew it had been a challenging day.  So good to chat for a bit, catch up on each other's lives with voices, and laugh together.

Water

It's been a while since I've posted one of these quizzes, but this one actually described me fairly accurately in some ways, and made me smile, so I thought I'd share it!  I suppose in some ways these are the darker, moodier elements of my personality, but to some extent they are very true of me.

Your Dark Element is Water

You are a peaceful and solitary person. You truly enjoy spending time alone. You take time for reflection and contemplation. You savor philosophical introspection. You have a private side to you, and you don't let others in easily. You can be stoic and overly serious. You're not the type of person who wants to lighten up.

What's Your Dark Element?

Blogthings: Free Quizzes for Everyone

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 183

Today's Daily 5:

1. Sleeping in a bit (sleep has been more of a challenge again lately, so the days when I can greet the day slowly and a bit later are a blessing)
2. Doing admin work in my pajamas in bed
3. wearing a cute hat
4. Needing to wear less layers of clothing just for the day (thanks for coming, Chinook!)
5. waiting for the bus in the sun
6. a great home-made salad with chicken and blue cheese and peppers and almonds and sunflower seeds among other things
7. a good customer service experience (Disney Movie Club - still trying to sort something out with them regarding a fraudulent charge made to my credit card.  It's hard to get through all the computer prompts to get to talk to a human, but once I did, she was really lovely.)
8. curly hair day
9. Vietnamese food at school
10. reading on the bus
11. getting home before dark - the days are finally getting a bit longer!
12. another friend facebooked me a palm tree photo.  (I think I'm going to start printing them all out and come up with a fun way to add text with their locations and then create a palm tree collage for my wall or something!)
13. wearing my California scarf.  (Ironically, given where I bought it, it's my coziest and warmest scarf!)
14. finished up my Greek assignments for the week, now I just have to review for the quiz on Friday
15. sweetly scented candles in my bedroom

Oh, and as a bonus, here's a couple photos of me today, since I was wearing that cute hat and had curly hair and was wearing the California scarf and all. 

Feeling Good

Having days where I feel good physically and emotionally have been a bit of a rarity lately, and are worth celebrating!

So, I'm sitting here waiting for my class to start, having a curly hair day, wearing a cute hat and handmade orange earrings with turquoise butterflies on them, and eating my favorite Vietnamese dish. Hooray for feeling good, and for blogging from my iPhone!

Mini Reviews (Part 3)

Safe People: How to Find Relationships that are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't (Dr Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend)

I have no idea, honestly, how to sum this book up.  A friend suggested it to me back in September of last year, I resisted, eventually ordered it, and spent several of my late fall bus reading sessions working my way through it.  In the last few weeks I've taken the time to go back through, reading the parts I marked in the fall, and making notes, taking note of what struck me at the time I first read it, and why it struck me then, and how those things were sitting with me now.  It was a relatively easy read, in the sense of being a book that is not technical, but easy to understand and apply.  It was not at all an easy read in that, for me, it spoke deeply, convicting, challenging me, speaking into questions and parts of my life that were very much relevant and helpful.  If you are asking questions about friendships, or other relationships, or have experienced a number of less than healthy ones, I really can't recommend this book enough.  The development of safe, healthy relationships has been something I've struggled with, often choosing profoundly unhealthy and even abusive relationships because I was desperately seeking to be loved and accepted.   The book explored not only what makes a relationship safe or unsafe, but also the reasons that can contribute to choosing unsafe relationships. I found this book to be profoundly helpful as I worked through some difficult relational issues, made some hard decisions, and ultimately believe it has contributed to me moving towards a far more healthy place.  I may have to come back and talk about it at length at some point in the future.

Dreaming in Hindi: Coming Awake in Another Language (Katherine Russell Rich)

To be honest, this book was a disappointment.  It seemed like my dream book - a memoir about travel and learning a new language and culture, while incorporating ideas from linguistics about the process of language acquisition, and exploring the changes on the world stage following 9/11.  (The author, a native New Yorker, landed in India to begin her year of language school, just days before 9/11.)  Everything that I'm theoretically fascinated with, all rolled up into one book.  Unfortunately, it fell short.  It read like a disjointed stream of consciousness, moving back and forth from linguistic theory to personal anecdote, and I felt like there was never anything to grasp on to.  In many ways, it felt aimless, as if it really was a dream, drifting and wandering without ever particularly arriving at a conclusion.  The characters were vague, in fact the author herself seemed vague about the impact of this year on her psyche.  There was no conclusion, no definitive timeline to follow, no way to keep the progression of events straight.  I can't say I'd recommend this one to anyone.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 182

Today's Daily 5:

1. Laughing with a fellow student this morning over how ridiculous a particular class we're taking really is
2. A smoothie and wrap for lunch from Jugo Juice
3. my midterm went smoothly
4. Knowing the answer to one of the essay options cold and being able to write it confidently
5. After listening to some girls on the bus talk about delaying gratification by prolonging a smoke for an hour when a craving hit, I was struck by how grateful I am that I don't suffer from some of those addictions
6. Mom treating me to an iced passion tea lemonade at starbucks tonight
7. A Kit Kat bar
8. A roasted chicken dinner
9. listening to the newest album that my friend Karla was part of (Check out The Emporiums!)
10. knowing enough yoga now to make up my own short practice instead of using a video tonight, allowing me to protect my still sore knee
11. crawling into a bed with clean sheets and pajamas
12. a clean bedroom - because I'm here so rarely, clutter had built up, and I'd hit my tolerance point, and it was bothering me, but I'd been too lazy to do anything about it.  Tonight I cleaned, and it's lovely.
13. marking several necessary tasks off my list.
14. starting Ann Voskamp's new book on the bus after class today
15. laughing and snarking at The Bachelor with a friend.
16. Getting an email from a far away blog reader with the first in a series of pictures of palm trees - totally made me smile!  Thanks Jenny!

Coming Into Herself

It's no secret that Grey's Anatomy has played a huge role in my life and journey for the last seven years.

God has spoken to me over and over and over again through the years in the various episodes.

And, in a lot of ways, I feel like my journey has very much paralleled that of the characters, particularly of Meredith.  That sort of coming of age, and growing into oneself, and healing and overcoming the "dark and twisty" pasts.

I was thinking about that journey again on Saturday night as I watched last week's episode of Grey's, transcribing the monologue for the blog I maintain with the various monologues from each episode on it.

It wasn't so much the monologue that caught me in that episode, as the decision Meredith had to make.

She had her choice of two clinical trials to participate in.  One was seeking a cure for the Alzheimers, the disease that her mom died of.  The other, being pushed at her by the chief of surgery, was working to cure diabetes, and was being promoted as her "birthright" - her legacy.  It was based on research left behind in her mother's journals, and she was being told that it was really very much hers to carry on her mother's work.

And so I watched as she wrestled with the decision.  With the pressure coming from the chief, and, to a great extent, the pressure of her terrible relationship with her deceased mother, and all the years of wounding and healing that that had led to.

And I watched, as, at the end of the episode, she walked back into the chief's office, finds him poring over her mother's old journals, listens to his pitch one more time, and then calmly handed back to him the folder of information on his proposed trial.  "You knew the woman who wrote them.  That's why I gave them to you.  I was happy to read them and to understand her better, but the woman I knew was different.  But I am starting to realize how scared she must have been.  That had to be why she was writing everything down.  She must have been so scared.  So please, go ahead, I think it's right that you continue her work, but I really, just, want to cure her disease.  Good night, Chief."

I'm having trouble finding words for it, but watching that scene was a moment of clarity for me.  In a way that her character hasn't before, she was able to say, "No.  Despite all these other things, present and past, this is who I am, and I don't want to carry on her legacy, I just want to prevent the thing that killed her from killing others."

She stepped into herself, and in watching that I felt Jesus reminding me that I am learning to do this to.  That on the same night I watched that episode, I'd had a realization of an area in which I needed to step into myself again.  That that night I was able to see a decision that needed to be made, and make it.

It's an interesting thing, this coming into oneself.  This thing where it becomes about me and God, not me and all the people I try at times to please.  Not me and all the fears and guilt and pressures.  But me and God, and He offers me the chance to step into myself.  To heal a little tiny bit more (because that is my one word for the year).  And if I turn Him down, it's disobedience, and sin.

And so I'm choosing to step into myself in this moment.  To make that choice, to be obedient.  And I'm looking forward to seeing the results.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 181

Today's Daily 5:

1. Spending a large portion of the day in my pajamas
2. Sunday morning watching Top Chef on the Food Network - rapidly becoming a favorite part of my week
3. a LONG bubble bath reading a novel this afternoon
4. thankful that though my knee is quite sore from where I hurt it yesterday, it's not bruised, and seems to be responding to ice and a natural health treatment.  The pain is decreasing already, which is fabulous, since I have to do a bunch of walking tomorrow.
5. studying in bed for a midterm.  if you have to study, bed is a good place to do it!

Crazy Love

For the last number of months (five or so, I think), my house church has been reading and studying Francis Chan's book, "Crazy Love," together.  Just this last week, we finished it.  It's been (in my opinion) a really good thing for our house church to read and study like this together, and Crazy Love has been an ideal fit for us, since there is also a very affordable DVD curriculum available, with one 8-10 minute video for each chapter, and included discussion starters.

To be honest, I'm more excited about what studying together has done for our little house church, than I am about the actual content of the book.  Reading and studying together has stirred discussion, has brought out opinions from some of the quieter people, has inspired people to step up and agree to lead discussion, or to read and get involved.

The content of the book itself, didn't feel new to me.  That said, I read fairly widely, and have read several titles that challenge the reader to take the call of the gospels to follow Christ seriously.

There were two chapters I found particularly striking, however.

The first was chapter 4 - Profile of the Lukewarm.  It wasn't so much that the information was new, just that it was presented in a way that was a hard to ignore - a way that caused me to stop again and consider how I'm living, to stop and pray and ask the Lord what I need to be aware of.  Using the parable of the seeds and the sower, Chan cautions readers, "Do not assume you are good soil."  (pg. 67)  He goes on to list a number of characteristics of the lukewarm.  Characteristics like:

Lukewarm people give money to charity and to the church...as long as it doesn't impinge on their standard of living.  If they have a little extra and it is easy and safe to give, they do so.  After all, God loves a cheerful giver, right? (pg. 69)

Lukewarm people don't really want to be saved from their sin; they want only to be saved from the penalty of their sin.  They don't genuinely hate sin and aren't truly sorry for it; they're merely sorry because God is going to punish them.  Lukewarm people don't really believe that this new life Jesus offers is better than the old sinful one.  (pg. 70)

Lukewarm people love others but do not seek to love others as much as they love themselves.  Their love of others is typically focused on those who love them in return, like family, friends, and other people they know and connect with.  There is little love left over for those who cannot love them back, much less for those who intentionally slight them, whose kids are better athletes than theirs, or with whom conversations are awkward or uncomfortable.  Their love is highly conditional and very selective and comes with strings attached.  (pg. 73)

Lukewarm people are continually concerned with playing it safe; they are slaves to the god of control.  This focus on safe living keeps them from sacrificing and risking for God. (pg. 77)

Lukewarm people do not live by faith; their lives are structured so they never have to.  They don't have to trust God if something unexpected happens - they have their savings account.  They don't need God to help them - they have their retirement plan in place.  They don't genuinely seek out what life God would have them live - they have life figured and mapped out.  They don't depend on God on a daily basis - their refrigerators are full and, for the most part, they are in good health.  The truth is, their lives wouldn't look much different if they suddenly stopped believing in God. (pg. 78)

Challenging, huh?

The other chapter (Chapter 8 - Profile of the Obsessed) that caught me did so for much the same reasons.  Instead of profiling the lukewarm, it profiles the one who is obsessed with Christ, and includes statements like these:

People who are obsessed with Jesus aren't consumed with their personal safety and comfort above all else.  Obsessed people care more about God's kingdom coming to this earth than their own lives being shielded from pain or distress. (pg. 133)

People who are obsessed with Jesus live lives that connect them with the poor in some way or another.  Obsessed people believe that Jesus talked about money and the poor so often because it was really important to Him (1 John 2:4-6; Matt. 16:24-26). (pg. 135)

Obsessed people are more concerned with obeying God than doing what is expected or fulfilling the status quo. (pg. 136)

People who are obsessed are raw with God; they do not attempt to mask the ugliness of their sins or their failures.  Obsessed people don't put it on for God; He is their safe place, where they can be at peace. (pg. 144)

A person who is obsessed with Jesus is more concerned with his or her character than comfort.  Obsessed people know that true joy doesn't depend on circumstances or environment; it is a gift that must be chosen and cultivated, a gift that ultimately comes from God (James 1:2-4). (pg. 146)

I read this second chapter the same week I was challenged by some stories of people in real life who really were learning what it meant to live obsessed - to not be certain of safety or comforts, to live in obedience.  The combination of Chan's words and these stories I'd encountered was powerful and convicting.

All in all, I'd say Crazy Love is very much worth the read.  Yes, it didn't have a lot that was brand new material, but Chan's heart is sincere, his words are challenging, and for me, anyway, God used this book to challenge how I think about my life and faith and how that gets lived out.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 180

Today's Daily 5:

1. sleeping in a bit this morning
2. peanut butter on toast
3. a GREAT yoga class.  it was really fabulous today.
4. getting some necessary errands done
5. finding a collection of reasons to laugh
6. leftover Chinese food.  Have I mentioned that Asian food is really my favorite?  Particularly Chinese and Vietnamese.
7. Finishing a long, undone project
8. Coming to an important realization about fear and power
9. homemade popcorn
10. reading a novel for a little while

Comfort Zone

Do you watch The Big Bang Theory?  The nerd humor cracks me upon a regular basis!

In any case, in a recent episode, this exchange appeared:

Penny: "Okay, but let's try to get you out of your comfort zone."

Sheldon:  "Why would we want to do that?  It's called a comfort zone for a reason!"

I laughed pretty hard.  These are my feelings on a comfort zone.  Why leave it?  It's called a comfort zone for a reason.

That said, I've spent a lot of time outside of mine lately, and I will concede that there is much to be learned outside of it as well.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 179

Today's Daily 5:

1. Finally figuring out a weekend packing/transporting my stuff system that means I don't have to carry everything I need for the weekend with me all over the city on Friday's before I arrive at mom and dad's
2. a tiny, cute girl who was so proud to be getting on the bus with her grandpa that she was grinning
3. Odd banana sightings - someone had taken the time to drape a banana peel over a hand rail at the university, and then a few hours later, in a totally different part of the city, I spotted another whole banana laying in the snow... the two totally random sightings made me giggle
4. a good appointment
5. walking through the train station just as the busker playing there today hit the chorus of "Mighty to Save".  I needed that reminder today, as I continue to wrestle with some discouragement "He is Mighty to Save, Mighty to save..."
6. a quick change of plans that ended up with Chinese food in a food court, but still included a fun evening hanging out with my friend F and her daughter A, catching up, and wandering the mall.
7. cracking up over "Might have negotiated for keeping my maiden name!"
8. finished up a book I was reading that I was aiming to finish.  I had lots of time to do that today, since between school, an appointment, and meeting a friend, in three different corners of the city, I spent close to five hours of the day riding the bus.
9. coming home to find lots of entertaining emails waiting for me
10. honestly, tonight number 10 is very much just the relief of collapsing into bed after a fairly exhausting (mostly good, but exhausting) day.  pajamas, a comfy bed, my laptop, magic bags on my feet/back, those are all really relieving things tonight.

The Opposite Problem

Convincing my head and heart to be on the same page is an ongoing problem for me.  It's a problem when you are both intellectual, and yet intuitive.

Usually, in my case, my head knows something is good long before that deep interior part of my heart is convinced.

Today I'm having the opposite problem.

My heart is fully on board, and my head is not at all convinced.

Reverb 11!

Remember Reverb 10, all through December?  I got an email with a prompt from them the other day.  Once a month over the course of 2011, there will be a prompt coming my way to help me stop to pause and reflect.

This is the new prompt for February:

One month into 2011, what question(s) are you living? Are there any prompts/questions that arose during #reverb10 that are still resonating in your life? Are you living new questions?

So much of reverb10 has played into this new year, particularly as I've chosen my "one word" of heal.

The posts from reverb10 that continue to stand out to me are these three:

• Day One - One Word - the post in which I inadvertently, a month ahead of time,  went with my gut instinct and named the word that I wanted to define 2011.
• Day Eleven - 11 Things I Could Live Without - to be honest, I remember this as being one of the hardest, but also most fun posts to write.  I like the list I came up with, and some of the little things from that list have very much shaped the little personal steps I'm taking towards healing in this new year. 
• Day Eighteen: Try - the list of things I wanted to try in this new year.  I've actually made progress on some of them.  Yoga, for example - I've fallen in love with yoga.  

These are the posts that are still resonating.  The ones that I think about when I stop for a minute to consider this year that is only a month old.  I'm looking forward to this year, however hard it has already been.  I'm curious to see what healing comes, and how it comes.  I'm looking forward to living the things I named in those posts - and living without the ones that I also named!

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 178

Today's Daily 5:

1. Making friends via my blog
2. Got two proposals for papers/projects for school done today
3. listening to my body and realizing when I needed a break today
4. making a new recipe - I made my own viniagrette dressing for the salad I took to our house church potluck dinner tonight
5. wine - you have no idea how wonderful a glass of wine was tonight
6. chocolate cake
7. Learned an important life lesson - don't wear cute earrings to house church
8. reasons to laugh
9. having a brief venting session
10. talking wedding plans with a friend

Wishbone/Backbone

Right around the new year, someone I know had this as her facebook status:

So and So has her wishbone where her backbone should be.

I read it and cracked up.

And related.

How many times have I sat around wishing for something to work out, when what I probably needed was to collect myself, grow a backbone, and make it happen?

No more wishbone where my backbone should be.

When I read that facebook status, I was in the process of making decisions that would shape 2011, and the status, however humorous, actually shaped those.  It's funny, the things God has used to challenge me.  Facebook statuses, time with friends, books.  God speaks in funny ways to me.  And I'm so thankful that I'm learning to listen for those prompts, even when they come in humorous facebook statuses.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 177

Today's Daily 5:

1. Laughing because my morning bus driver totally looked like the guy with the long grey hair who sings or used to sing with the Gaither quartet (and yes, you can mock me for knowing what a member of the Gaither quartet looks like!)
2. Sunshine
3. Sweet blog comments from a variety of friends
4. Tea biscuits from Tim Horton's (a regular treat purchased for eating during class)
5. Solidifying a topic that will be used for a term paper in one class and a presentation in another (I totally managed to choose a topic that was entirely inspired by a scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail - who else do you know that has written/will write academic papers with that sort of inspiration?)
6. feeling lighter - like life came easier today
7. making progress on a couple different reading projects
8. vietnamese take out with friends before attending a lecture together
9. having the privilege to attend a lecture on "harm reduction" that was fascinating and so important, and that I will be blogging about very soon
10. the feeling of crawling into bed for the evening and knowing that while there is homework to be done, there are no classes tomorrow, and I can breathe a bit easier for a day or so

Shifting Perspective

Monday was a hard day for a whole collection of reasons, not the least of which was the eight inches of snow that fell in the six hours between when I went to bed Sunday night, and when I walked out the door to catch a bus on Monday morning.

As I stood at the last bus stop of the day, after nearly falling on the slick ground, I thought to myself, "Yep, if I fell and hurt myself, that would just be the perfect capper to this crappy day."

And then I stopped.

Because, well, it had been a crappy day.  But my internal voice kicked in.  The voice that is honed by a year and a half of choosing to notice the little things and be grateful.

I think this was the first time that voice really took on a life of it's own.

For every complaint I came up with for the day, it had a response.

I said, "The weather was nasty, and my first class almost got canceled after I hauled my butt out of bed to get there, and then it was a waste of time.  I sat there and a librarian told me how to search for journal articles.  I learned that, umm, ten years ago, when I actually was a first year student, not a student taking first random first year classes ten years later."

The voice reminded me, "But the class didn't get canceled.  And, instead of paying attention to the librarian, you used the time to research for the project due later this week, and emailed yourself several potentially very useful journal articles that will apply to TWO different projects."

I said, "Ugh, I got word of another marriage ended.  My heart hurts and I'm tired of all these shattered relationships."

The voice reminded me of several friends held dear, and of the fragility of marriage, and entreated me to lift their marriages up in prayer.

I said, "Well fine, but that other class did get canceled.  What a waste in the middle of my day."

The voice said, "Umm... but that canceled class let you attend the worship gathering on campus, and on a really hard day, have 40 minutes to really quiet your heart and let it rest.  And you miss corporate worship, remember?"

I said, "My evening plans changed.  And it made me cry.  In the hallway.  Over plans I wasn't even very attached to."

The voice commented, "But you get to rest instead.  And join a friend to watch a show that always makes you laugh."

I said, "I almost fell in this dang snow that's everywhere!"

The voice said, "But you didn't."

Dang, that inner voice of mine got wise when I wasn't looking!

It had an answer for everything.

And more than that, it was right.

Yes, the day on Monday presented a great deal of challenges (some far less trivial than canceled classes, by the way).  And the temptation was to see the day as a disaster.

But the practice of making those Daily 5 lists seems to have paid off.  I'm less willing to write off a whole day as a disaster, and more able to see the balance of beautiful and ugly, painful and joyful.

It's a shifting perspective that's beginning to assert itself, and I'm making room in my heart to make it a cozy spot.  I want it to stick around.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 176

Today's Daily 5:

1. "provocative snit mode"
2. sleeping in a bit this morning (even if the night wasn't that restful, it was nice to not have to rise early, and snag any extra little bit of rest)
3. booking flights for an escape that is less than two weeks away
4. I French braided my hair today, just for a change.  I liked how it looked.
5. glancing down and catching sight of the pretty bright, deep pink color that I painted my toenails last night
6. wearing earrings I hadn't worn since the day I spent wandering the LA garment district with a dear friend in September.  I love those earrings, and the memory of that September day was lovely too.
7. corn bread with honey butter (have you ever had honey butter?  SO good)
8. coming home from school to find a tasty supper prepared and waiting
9. thankful that when I fell on some ice today, it wasn't at all serious
10. a good natural health treatment tonight.

Lesson Learned

Today I learned that attempting to read a memoir about India and learning Hindi, while fighting off a drifting off to sleep, and attempting to filter out the voice of the woman sitting behind me on the bus, talking loudly in an unidentified language (not Spanish, probably Portuguese or Tagalog), is enough to make one's head spin.

I was also reminded that if I am drifting off to sleep every time I get on the bus and sit still for a while, then I perhaps need to take aim at an earlier bedtime to compensate.

Praying Out Loud

I hate praying aloud.

Hate it.

Even blessing the food at a meal.

Please don't ask me.

I will do anything I can to avoid it.

Years ago, when I was in the twelfth grade,  my young life leader caught wind of just how much I hated praying aloud.  (Actually, at the time, I would have used the word "hate" for prayer in general.)  She, being wiser than I'd care to admit at times, forced the issue.  I no longer had a choice.  She could control me with her eyes.  If we were in a small group setting, and praying aloud was optional for everyone else, she'd tell me with her eyes (and sometimes with her words) that it was not an option for me.  If we were sharing a meal together, guess whose job it was to bless the food?

It's been a decade since that year I spent being forced into prayer by a loving friend.  These days prayer, the silent kind anyway, is as natural as breathing, and one of the things God has consistently asked of me and gifted me for. 

But I still hate praying aloud.

I've been thinking of it more often lately, that perhaps it's a discipline I need to cultivate again.

But I hadn't really felt any great drive or conviction until last week.

Last week I met with a long-time friend of mine who is the pentecostal chaplain at the university that I'm attending.  We spent an hour or so catching up, and, as I looked at my watch and realized that I needed to head off to class, he closed our time together by praying for me.

I walked away from that time refreshed.  It's not often these days that I am prayed for in person, and I had forgotten how encouraging it can be simply to hear someone lift me before the Father.  And as I walked away, I began to tell God how thankful I was for that time, for that needed encouragement.

And as I told him that, I felt God reminding me that perhaps I should be more willing to offer that encouragement and blessing to others.

I haven't figured out what that looks like, yet.  I'm not often in settings where prayer aloud would be appropriate.  Perhaps, in my case, it looks like asking one or two of my far away friends if we can close our phone conversations and skype dates by praying together, for each other.

In any case, I feel that strong internal nudging, that reminder to be willing, and so I'm seeking to be obedient to that, and aware of opportunities to life others before the Father, in their hearing.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 175

It was a nasty sort of day, and I was in full meltdown mode by about 3:00 this afternoon.  A long, weird day had ensued, the weather was awful, and a phone call informing me of a change of evening plans that I hadn't even been particularly invested in was the tipping point.  I found myself talking on my cellphone, in a green tiled university hallway, with tears welling up, and not even understanding why there were suddenly tears.

I ended up deciding that what my bruised and weary soul needed was a night of nothingness, and that's what I gave it.  Brainless entertainment, laughter in several forms, and a moratorium on homework.  Oh, and chocolate and my favorite soup (now discontinued, and slowly dwindling in my freezer.)

It's the kind of day when a Daily 5 list is important, and the kind of day when it's harder to write.

Here's what I came up with for Today's Daily 5:

1. A late night exchange last night with my former roommate, L, about the nasty weather we were expecting overnight.  I wrote her commenting "Why on earth do I live here?"  Her response made me laugh out loud, and basically involved her telling me that she'd wondered that herself when she was living here!
2. That the city had actually cleaned their portion of the sidewalk that I had to walk to get to the bus this morning.  That doesn't sound like much, but when you're slogging through 8 inches of dense, newly fallen snow, a shovelled walk is a blessing.
3. Cozy mittens
4. Recognizing choices differently
5. Being able to duplicate some work from one class for another class, thus saving myself hours of research time
6. a class getting canceled that allowed me to attend a Monday noon-hour worship gathering led by my chaplain friend on campus.  I needed that 40 minutes of worship and quiet space fairly badly today.
7. the reminder, via some hard things, to be praying for some friends
8. my last class of the day ended early
9. both of my current favorite targets for sarcasm and snarking were out in full force this evening, allowing for brainless entertainment and laughter
10. "watching" The Bachelor with a far away friend tonight and laughing together
11. wearing a cute scarf and earrings to school today
12. giving myself a pass on something I'd told myself I should do, but is absolutely unneccessary
13. Italian wedding soup for supper
14. good drinking water
15. going to bed early tonight, in my own bed, and knowing I don't have class early tomorrow at all, and can thus sleep in without setting an alarm, and hopefully feel a bit recovered when I emerge to face the world tomorrow

Not Sure What I'd Do

On Saturday, Rachel Held Evans posted this guest post, written by Lisa McKay.

The post, entitled "The Blessings of the Bai Si" intrigued me. 

First, because I am fascinated by culture, and am particularly sensitive to the spiritual realm.

And second, because I'm not entirely certain what I would do in that sort of situation.  How comfortable I would be in a setting that involves a clear interaction with the spiritual realm.

And so, I've been pondering culture, and being sensitive to that, while still being true to my own faith.

And I honestly don't have an answer for you.  Not a single one.

Two years ago, even, I would have probably refused to be part of a ritual like the one that McKay described.

Now, I don't know.

Because I'm sensitive to the spiritual realm, and have wrestled with that sensitivity for years, I feel uncomfortable with the idea of knowingly involving myself with a ritual that emphasizes those interactions.

And yet, I am increasingly aware that I do not need to fear the darkness.  That I can walk amongst it, and be protected.

And that sometimes, it really just is about the blessing.  That God can allow me to receive the honor and blessing being conveyed to me, while protecting me from any evil that is also being conveyed, however unintentionally.

I don't know what I would do, but I'm curious to hear your thoughts.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 174

Today's Daily 5:

1. sleeping in
2. pajamas until well past noon
3. watching Top Chef
4. a glass of wine at the superbowl party I attended
5. making the cake that was the hit of the party
6. a friend who willingly made a couple of changes to help me out with something
7. sleeping at mom and dad's.  saves me an hour and a quarter in commuting time to get to school tomorrow morning
8. finding reasons to laugh
9. snarky emails traded with a friend
10. going to bed early, after sleeping in

One More from Benson

One last paragraph from "In Constant Prayer" by Robert Benson, that I wanted to offer up for consideration and discussion:

"One of the reasons it's hard for us to say the daily office is that on most days, prayer is more like weeding a flower bed for the third time this month than it is some divine and mystical experience.  The truth is that for most of the time - for all time, according to the ones that have gone before us - the office has a kind of mundane, everyday sort of feeling.  There is a blessed ordinariness to it.  The daily office is not called daily for nothing, you know.

There is a temptation for all of us to feel as though worship is not really worth much unless we are personally moved by it.  If we are not somehow emotionally touched, then our worship does not seem spiritual to us.  It helps to remember that liturgy is the work of the people, not the magic wand of God." 

(Robert Benson, In Constant Prayer, pg. 56-57)

I so relate to the temptation he mentions to feel as though worship is meaningless unless I am somehow emotionally moved by it.  As if my acts of devotion are worthless unless they carry a momentous emotional experience with them.  How easy it is for me to forget that the worship is not about me, at all, but about the one being worshiped. 

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 173

Today's Daily 5:
(an introduction to the Daily 5 can be found by clicking the link in the sidebar on the left)

1. Easy access to the yoga studio by city bus
2. trying out a new recipe (that's actually three this week!)  Today I made "Almond Joy Cake" - a fun cake interpretation of my favorite chocolate bar treat
3. Productivity without feeling rushed.
4. Pushing through something hard but good when the motivation was very much lacking
5. Licking the bowl, spatula and spoon after making up the final layer of my almond joy cake
6. Getting a whole pile of things marked off my list for the day/week

The Age of the Personal

Late last night I posted a review of "In Constant Prayer" by Robert Benson.  Over the next few days I have a few bits and pieces from the book to share here, starting with this lengthy quotation which struck me as a rather accurate, humorous and profound assessment of the western obsession with individuality.

"We live in the age of the personal, I think.  At least, I like saying it that way better than I like referring to myself as a member of the Me Generation.

We have personal soundtracks on portable personal sound systems so we can sort of clear out our own personal space whenever we happen to be out there among the human race.

We have personal computers, and we can hire personal shoppers - though I have to confess that I am still personally up to the task of disposing of my personal income myself.  We have personal identification numbers and some of us have personalized license plates.

I heard on the radio an advertisement that says I have a personal banker, though we have never actually met.  And if you met me, you could tell by looking at me that I clearly have a personal style that fits comfortably around my persona.

Once a quarter, I get a personal invitation in the mail to have my car's oil changed and engine belts checked by my personal mechanic, the one who works for the dealership that services my ultimate personal driving machine.  Actually, my car was made in Germany for someone else in 1986; it says so in my mechanic's personal files that he keeps on the personal driving habits of all the persons who have ever owned this car.

I take personal responsibility whenever I should, or at least when I have to, and I am personally convinced that I am on the planet to be my own person.

So it is not really a surprise that my personal prayer to my personal Savior is all too often about one person.

We live in the age of the personal.  And personally, I am tired of it." 

(Robert Benson, In Constant Prayer, pg. 53-54)

What do you think?  Are you tired of the age of the personal?

A Review of "In Constant Prayer"

I was delighted when "In Constant Prayer" popped up as an option for a review on booksneeze.com and immediately requested a copy.  Prayer is one of my favorite topics, and by far the most helpful book I've ever read on the subject (Living Prayer) was also written by Benson.  He has become one of my favorite authors, and this book, like all the others of his that I've read, was excellent.  "In Constant Prayer" is part of The Ancient Practices series, exploring the ancient traditions of the church and whether they are applicable to modern culture.  In Constant Prayer examines the tradition of fixed hour prayer, or praying the offices.

Benson writes in a style that engages the reader, and, though I've never heard him speak, as I began to read, I could "hear" his voice - the familiar (and now much beloved) voice and tone from his other books begin to draw me in, and couldn't help but smile.

As an introduction to praying the offices, this is fabulous -engaging and easy to follow, while providing enough history and narrative to draw the reader into the idea of joining in a millenia old concert of prayer.  I did found myself wishing for a more examples of the actual structure of the offices, but am confident that I'll be able to find these in the recommended titles that Benson included at the end of the book.

This book is well worth the read - both for those who already believe a life of prayer is important, and for those who are just beginning to wonder if perhaps there is something to the idea of praying regularly, joining with the saints.

note: In Constant Prayer was provided to me at no charge by booksneeze.com.  I was not required to write a positive review.  All opinions expressed here are my own.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 172

Today's Daily 5:

1. waking up after a rough night and realizing that my usual escape for the weekend starts today
2. a nectarine for breakfast
3. birds actually singing in the trees on the university campus
4. finally (after several stops) finding a place that could process my student loan documents.  there should be money arriving in my bank account in about a week or so, so that I can pay off the line of credit with which I temporarily paid my tuition.
5. made a new recipe for dinner, and made the cake for tomorrow's new recipe attempt.
6. realizing that the sting I was expecting wasn't in some things.

Weekend To Do's

Just because I feel the need to write this stuff down, somewhere, preferably public, because I have a thing about saying publicly that I'm going to do something and then not doing it, that tends to lend to actually accomplishing the items on my list:

• yoga workout at home on Friday
• yoga class on Saturday
• bake an Almond Joy Cake using the recipe a friend who knows me well sent my way
• go to the post office to get student loan documents processed
• finish reading and write a review for my latest booksneeze book
• make significant headway on, if not finish, making notes on a reading project I completed a while back
• budgeting
• finish up the Greek assignments for this week
• update my resume and apply for some jobs
• watch the newest episode of Grey's Anatomy and transcribe the monologue
• watch the newest episode of Private Practice
• do some online research to create a term paper topic/thesis statement for one of my history classes (is it bad that I'm leaning towards choosing a topic solely because there's a Monty Python quote that I'd like to work into the paper?)
• Finish up the reading from this week for my random introduction to social sciences class
• Make some progress on reading the latest travel memoir I'm tackling - I have a time limit on this one since it's borrowed from the library.
• Attend a ladies gathering with some women from my house church and other house churches

Those are the big things.  A couple of them are totally flexible.  Some of them absolutely have to get done.  But really, I'd like to manage some productivity and get most if not all of these done over the course of this afternoon, evening, tomorrow and Sunday.

Technological Friendships

Those of you who know me well, or who have been reading here for a while know that my closest friends are scattered around the planet.  It's a rather inconvenient way to conduct friendships, when you can't sit and sip tea together, and give and get hugs.  But, we make it work, thanks to technology.

Yesterday I spent two hours talking to one of my closest friend on skype.  We even had video.  Most of the time we can't be together in person, and, as we talked, we were actually experiencing two different days.  It was Thursday afternoon for me, and Friday morning for her.  But, thanks to skype, we shared a meal - I'd just finished lunch, and she was having a late breakfast, and we hung out and laughed for two hours or so.

And, one of the things we talked about was this - how thankful we are for technology and the way it allows us to maintain friendships.  We can email and know that the other is going to get the message the same day.  We can use text messages or facebook.  We can phone and skype and know that we'll have a decent connection - the ability to hear each other and maybe even see each other.

And I'm so thankful for that.

Thankful that I can share the day to day stuff of life with my dear ones who are so far away.

Thankful that I can quite literally have a coffee date with a friend on another continent.

Thankful that technology lets these far away people that I love stay in contact with me, and me with them.

It means a lot when your dearest ones are scattered primarily at great distances from you, to know that there is a way to stay more easily connected.

I'm thankful for it.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 171

Today's Daily 5:

1. blog comments exchanges on other blogs - I love when there is a reply to a comment I've left
2. a lazy morning on a day with no classes
3. breakfast in bed
4. my neck pillow
5. the sweet smell of my favorite fabric softener on a clean hoodie
6. skyping with L this afternoon
7. laughing. hard.  so good to have a friend to laugh with.
8. an unexpected chance to accomplish an errand
9. cooking a new recipe with some of my favorite music playing (little bit of Kristene Mueller, David Crowder Band, Sara Groves, Kim Walker, Amanda Falk, Karla Adolphe)
10. working on a scrapbook page for my one little word - managed to mostly finish January, now on to February

10:10 am Thursday

It's 10:10 am on Thursday morning as I sit to write this post.

I'm still in my pajamas, still in bed.

I have, however, had breakfast, and spent 45 minutes with my SAD lamp.  (I like that lamp - I really think that starting my day with it every morning, while I'm still in bed, just puttering online, is making a difference.)

By 11:00 I will be at a bus stop, waiting to head to mom and dad's for the day.

Because that is what I do on days when I am not attending class.  Because their house is a better place for puttering than the one in which I technically live.

Today needs to be a productive day, full of things like making a budget (read: how little income can I actually survive on?), updating a resume (read: I realized the other day after applying for several jobs, that my most recent Christmas stint at the charity isn't there, and it should be), applying for jobs (read: money is dwindling and I need to be able to pay rent), and doing greek homework (there's nothing to read into this, greek homework is just, well, greek homework.)

In between though, there are things to look forward to:

• There is a skype call this afternoon with one of my favorite people on the planet - one of the ones with whom I laugh most easily
• There is making dinner - another new recipe to try.  Chicken and portobello mushroom paninnis.  (And, a sweet friend who knows me very well sent me a recipe for "Almond Joy Cake" - that is going to be a project for this weekend!)
• There is house church tonight, which, upon consideration, holds all it's usual promise of friends and laughter, and perhaps the promise of just a bit more laughter than usual tonight.
• And there are weekend things - things like new episodes of Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice which will air tonight and be online for me to enjoy tomorrow night.
• Oh, and a superbowl party on Sunday.  Not that I have any enjoyment of football, but, well, Green Bay is playing, and I wouldn't be the daughter of a Wisconsin farm-girl if I didn't at least pretend to be interested.  Plus, there will be VERY good food there.  I know who's cooking and they're the real reason I'll be attending!

And, with that, it's probably time to pull myself out of bed, so I make that bus, and can kick off the "need to be productive" part of my day!

See you tonight for the Daily 5!

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 170

Today's Daily 5:

1. ibethel.tv - such a great thing to able to watch/listen to fantastic worship and teaching live or archived online (this is what I play at night when I'm at home instead of at mom and dad's to help me sleep through the crazyness that is grandma's house)
2. taking time to process and work through a book I read a while ago
3. a nectarine for breakfast
4. 1 year, 170 days of making these lists
5. having wireless internet access at school
6. Cheetos puffs - yep, normally a healthy food kind of girl, or a least a real food kind of girl.  But I have a weakness for the soft, airpuffed, bright orange cheezies.  So good!
7. lunch with my friend A. from house church today
8. yoga class tonight - different teacher again, but still good
9. how fun is it that the lay there and relax at the end of the yoga practice music tonight included Johnny Cash's rendition of "Hurt" - I seriously love that song.  Plus, the other teacher, who does provide a better workout than the teacher tonight, always plays this song that starts with chanting of "hare krishna" and then transitions into Amazing Grace, before transitioning back to the chanting.  It drives me crazy that they combine the chanting with Amazing Grace, and it drives me more crazy that the dang chanting then gets stuck in my head all week.  Not okay with that.  So, "Hurt" - definitely a way better option on multiple levels!
10. smooth bus connection to get home after yoga
11. chocolate chip cookie reward post yoga
12. comfy pajamas
13. a surprise phone call from a friend
14. finding reasons to laugh
15. crashing and resting

From the Bus

I don't have much to say this morning, really, but thought I'd stop in here anyhow.

I'm writing this on my phone while riding the bus. I should be reading a history text book, but I'm having a hard time motivating myself to crack open a rather dry tome, and am totally using the fact that I can access the Internet on my phone as an excuse for procrastination.

But, the bus ride is halfway done, so I should probably get to it. Sigh. There are so many things that are more interesting, but most of them won't improve my GPA!

Here's hoping you all have fabulous days!

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 169

Today's Daily 5:
(an introduction to the Daily 5 can be found by clicking the link in the sidebar on the left)

1. The bus shelter this morning that not only got me out of the brutally cold wind, but aided in warming me by the effect of magnifying the meager heat of the sun through the plexiglass onto my black touque.  It was actually quite pleasant, and I was so thankful for the shelter from the wind.
2. Wearing cute earrings made by a friend.
3. Russian salad dressing... mmm... so good
4. Brilliantly blue skies
5. cute mittens
6. wearing my "Audrey Hepburn" makes me feel classically elegant winter coat
7. getting a book order from Amazon that I'd been expecting
8. thinking I'd permanently lost one of the aforementioned cute earrings because it had fallen out of my ear, and then finding it in a very unexpected location
9. finally getting some prints that have been around forever in the frames I bought for them, and on display
10. reading until I began to drift to sleep in the sun on the bus this afternoon (don't worry, didn't fall asleep, but it was nice to read something just for fun, to that state of relaxation after classes)

Discombobulated

It's a new month, and I find it hard to believe that January has already passed by.

Changes continue as I work to adapt to school, and to other ever changing aspects of my life.

Waiting continues, too.  Waiting to hear about student loans.  Waiting on other fronts as well.

Honestly, the start of 2011 has been hard, and I'm struggling to know how to talk about it here.  For a variety of reasons, this blog, my safe place for the last six years, has been less safe for me the last several months, and I've pulled back, in some ways, from sharing the bits and pieces I'd like to share.  It makes me sad to admit that.  I've made some wonderful online and real life friends because of this little space, and I'm working to sort out a new normal in my approach to what is shared here.

I'm feeling discombobulated, undone.

I'm struggling a bit with discontentment.  It's been a harder month in the ongoing journey to be at peace with my crazy living situation.  Some months seem smooth, others not so much.  It cycles.  And this has been the hard end of the cycle.

It's the same thing with loneliness.  I'm blessed with some very dear friends, some near, most far away.  Most months I can successfully juggle my friendships, leaving myself at peace with the balance of the near and far.  These last few weeks that juggling act has not been so successful, and I find myself longing for in person time with my safe people, scattered across at least three countries and two continents.  (I'm reminding myself that one of my dear friends who is currently farthest away will be visiting at the end of this month, and pushing myself to contact some who are near, in the meantime.)

I'm figuring out the juggling act, too, of content and discontent.  I'm struggling with the realities that are mine.  Struggling hard.  And yet, I've received several emails in the last 24 hours, from friends both near and far, that remind me that in relative terms, my situation could be so much worse.  This is perhaps the most bizarre juggling act of all to me.  This one that holds in one hand the realities of my own that are far less than ideal, and in the other hand the reality that I have oh so much to be thankful for.  I haven't figured it out yet.  I wonder some days if I ever will.  And I'd love to hear some thoughts if you have any to share.

I'm craving simplicity again, and it shows in my daily "to do" lists which include things like cleaning, purging, sorting, repairing, and breathing.  Sorting out the delicate balance of consumption and over-consumption.  I haven't figured this one out yet either, though I'm getting better at it.  (I'm better at it when there is no money coming in, quite honestly.  Figuring it out when there is steady income that more than meets my basic needs will be a whole other thing, I suspect.)

And so, there it is, my discombobulated self, and my discombobulated update.  Leave me a comment telling me what's up in your worlds these days.  I haven't heard from some of you in a while.

Most Read Posts January 2011

The month of January was almost all about my one little word.  Here are this month's most read posts:

One Word: 2011 - the announcement of what my word for the year was going to be.

Two from Henri Nouwen on Baptism - some of the many tidbits of Henri Nouwen's wisdom that I've shared here through the years

One Word 2010 Meets One Word 2011 - on the intersection of my word from this year (heal) on my word from last year (story)

Feel Good - my fun new way to aid in both my one word and in self-care

Thirteen Days In - in which I report on how "heal" was not looking at all like I expected it to

Thursday in Rome - a story of day in Rome (duh!)

Lot's Wife - another one word post, and quite possibly the favorite post I've written in a very long time.

A Healing Story: 2011 Goals/Hopes/Dreams - the list of goals to go with my word for the year.

Not Easy - Grey's Anatomy and my one word, all rolled up into one little post!

Facebook Status Updates that Will Never Make It - a very old post, written in a fit of sarcasm, after a very bad day at work.  Always gets lots of google traffic.