Not Sure What I'd Do

On Saturday, Rachel Held Evans posted this guest post, written by Lisa McKay.

The post, entitled "The Blessings of the Bai Si" intrigued me. 

First, because I am fascinated by culture, and am particularly sensitive to the spiritual realm.

And second, because I'm not entirely certain what I would do in that sort of situation.  How comfortable I would be in a setting that involves a clear interaction with the spiritual realm.

And so, I've been pondering culture, and being sensitive to that, while still being true to my own faith.

And I honestly don't have an answer for you.  Not a single one.

Two years ago, even, I would have probably refused to be part of a ritual like the one that McKay described.

Now, I don't know.

Because I'm sensitive to the spiritual realm, and have wrestled with that sensitivity for years, I feel uncomfortable with the idea of knowingly involving myself with a ritual that emphasizes those interactions.

And yet, I am increasingly aware that I do not need to fear the darkness.  That I can walk amongst it, and be protected.

And that sometimes, it really just is about the blessing.  That God can allow me to receive the honor and blessing being conveyed to me, while protecting me from any evil that is also being conveyed, however unintentionally.

I don't know what I would do, but I'm curious to hear your thoughts.

Hiding Out, or Burrowing In

I'm in bed.

I might just stay here all day.

Curled up and insulated from the outside world.

No world gearing up for halloween.

No walking by the house near the train station that has seen fit to include severed limbs in their flower beds.

"Decorations," you know.

For me, they're actually quite literally the stuff of nightmares, those severed limbs.

It's not my favorite "holiday" - can you tell?

Maybe I'm overly sensitive, or maybe I thought this year would be different.

I've been taking baby steps, trying to sort out which reactions are simply fear, and which come from an incredible sensitivity to things spiritual.

I've made progress.  Done things I wouldn't have done a year ago, and enjoyed them.

But nope, this is still something I'm overly sensitive to.

And quite frankly, it makes me want to burrow deeper into my bed and just stay here until Monday comes.

It's ironic, that the one big "moment with God" that I celebrate each year falls on November 1st.  All Souls Day.

The day after Halloween.

And that every year, the days leading up to that anniversary of my healing from depression are filled with nightmares and avoiding images on the streets, on television, and everywhere, of the things that often occupy my nightmares. They're filled with this feeling of wanting to curl up in a hole and pull blankets over me and hide.

Can I use the word "oppression" without someone freaking out and calling me an over-sensitive Christian?

And so I'm hanging on until Monday.

Today I'm going to hang out at home.

Tomorrow I have a few appointments to attend.

Sunday I think I'll go to dad's church, since my baby brother is preaching.

And then I'll hole up, turn out the lights in the house, and let the evening pass.

And on Monday, on Monday I'm going to celebrate healing.  5 years of it.

I'm just going to burrow in until then.

To fight hard for good days, and to push back the darkness that becomes heavy, threatening, and overwhelming at this time of year.

I'll fight for it, because it's worth it.  Because I'm worth it.

And Monday I'm going to celebrate!

One of Those Days

This has been one of those days.

Where everything hits you in ways that you didn't expect.

Where everything is connected to something.

(You might say "everything is spiritual" - or at least my friend Shelley might say that!)

I've got a couple of long thought posts brewing in my brain. Coming soon.

Later.