Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 138

The last daily 5 list for the year 2010.  A year that held some days that were truly fabulous, where lists flowed easily, and a year that held some completely horrible days, where finding five things that made me smile or that I was grateful for to put on a list was the hardest thing in the horrible day.

So, without further ado, today's daily 5:

1. Getting in and out at the passport office in ten minutes (can't believe it went that quickly!  government stuff is never quick!)
2. taking the train to a stop I'd never been to before (new adventures!)
3. some sweet deals at a couple of craft stores
4. A sunny day
5. pondering (and completely changing!) what my "one word" for 2011 will be
6. realizing that I wasn't forcing joy, but actually wanted to smile and felt joyful
7. This quote from a facebook status that made me laugh and smile very wryly in recognition of the sentiment, "so and so has her wishbone where her backbone should be."
8. a smoothie for breakfast
9. getting a bunch of errands done with mom
10. trading in some old, no longer wanted books, for credits at two different local used bookstores, and picking up a few new treasures along the way
11. a great deal on Living Social today for yoga classes
12. having reasons to laugh
13. making soup from scratch
14. banana cream pie
15. a totally relaxing evening to end the year that included pie, passion tea, Top Chef, Grey's Anatomy, and reading a novel in a bubble bath.

Reverb 10: Day 31 - Core Story

Today's Reverb 10 Prompt:

December 31 – Core Story

What central story is at the core of you, and how do you share it with the world? (Bonus: Consider your reflections from this month. Look through them to discover a thread you may not have noticed until today.)

(Author: Molly O’Neill)

I think this prompt is my favorite of the questions that have been posed over this month of reverb10.

The central story at the core of me is this:

I am known and loved by the creator of the universe, a God who heals and who offers wholeness, who is perfectly constant, unchanging, and desires to draw all of creation into a deep joy and to bring redemption and resurrection to broken and dead things. 

It's quite the story, and I've been years learning it, and expect to be learning it for the remainder of my life.

That part about being not just known, but loved - that was big this year.

I've also discovered that what I thought healing, redemption, and resurrection looked like, is quite often not at all what they end up looking like.

I've seen this story play out in crazy ways this last year.

In the unexpected way in which I suddenly found myself duckless, with no ducks left to gather in a row.

In a job loss and a housing change and a total change in career directions.

In a car accident.

In a house church that turned out to be a safe place to land.

In a funeral, and a wedding.

In a road trip with my dad, and a week in California.

In visits to the zoo.

In books I've read.  Especially a kid's book.

In celebrating the fifth anniversary of my healing from depression.

In conversations over tea and phone calls and emails and blog posts.

In unexpected decisions and actions taken.

I've seen redemption and resurrection and healing in the most unexpected places.

And I'm so grateful for them.

Because they are at the core of my being, and are making themselves at home there in new ways that excite and challenge me.

Do it Differently

I have long proclaimed New Year's Eve to be my least favorite holiday of the year.  All of the other big holidays tend to be about family, but New Year's is about partying with friends.  This is challenging when you don't particularly like to party, and the vast majority of your closest friends live far away.

I've spent most of the last 5 New Year's Eve's alone, and tonight won't be any different.

However, this year I've decided that lonely and melancholy can take a hike!

I'm quite looking forward to a quiet evening alone at mom and dad's (my parent's are going to a party - they have more of a social life than me - how funny is that!)

My plans for the evening involve a Top Chef marathon on the Food Network, maybe a funny movie or some Grey's Anatomy on DVD, Vietnamese take out, cozy pajamas, writing, reflecting, dreaming, a cup of tea, puttering around online, maybe painting my toenails, and maybe even a bubble bath.

I'm actually almost giddy with anticipation at the prospect of a nice evening in, alone, with a show I like being played in marathon format on the Food Network, and just chilling and having time to be peaceful and reflect and pray and plan for the year to come.

This is a day that finds me smiling, and not dreading the evening ahead.  I don't know when that happened, but I'm rather delighted to be doing it differently this year!

Stay tuned tonight for the final reverb 10 post, the final daily 5 post of 2010, and tomorrow for posts about my one little word, and plans for the year to come!

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 137

Today's Daily 5:

1. Not having to drive on icy roads (the upside to my bad luck with car accidents)
2. quick and efficient packing for the weekend when I was running behind this morning
3. a sweet banana and a cup of pomegranate green tea for breakfast
4. donating the leftover toys from work to an agency that will make good use of them over the coming year
5. "Apparently not in Canada!"
6. watching and transcribing the monologues from two episodes of Grey's last night
7. a good last day at work
8. making popcorn and watching food network while puttering online all evening
9. the gift of a SAD lamp from mom
10. having the house to myself for an evening

Reverb 10: Day 30 - Gift

Today's Reverb 10 Prompt:

December 30 – Gift

Prompt: Gift. This month, gifts and gift-giving can seem inescapable. What’s the most memorable gift, tangible or emotional, you received this year?

(Author: Holly Root)

Is it lame to talk about an emotional gift to myself as being the most memorable?

Because if we're talking about emotional gifts, the gift of allowing myself to rest and be cared for (by myself and others), and also to believed that I am lovable and loved top my list for this year.  Honestly, I can't quite describe the difference that that has made in my life.  Nor can I describe the wonder at discovering that I am loved, and then being able to begin to love myself.

But if we're talking about tangible gifts, well, I'm going to go with a few different options.  I have two hoodies (both of which I wear at least once a week) that were given to me by my brothers and the women in their lives.  One was a birthday gift from all four of them.  The second was a Christmas gift from two of them.  A dear friend sent me a beautiful book of art for my anniversary of healing in November - art that so perfectly suits that occasion.  I got two fun and memorable gifts in the last week as well - the first was a Konad stamping nail art kit from my parents for Christmas.  I'm looking forward to many hours of playing with this, since one of my favorite ways to pamper myself is to paint my toenails.  It's going to be even more fun now that I have this totally slick way to add art to the pedicure.  The second gift my mom handed to me today when I walked into her house after work.  It was a SAD lamp, and I'm excited to see if it does make a difference in the way my mood and energy levels tend to lag in the long dark winter months.

There you have it, tangible AND intangible!

The End is Coming

I find it incredibly hard to believe that tomorrow is the last day of 2010.

It seems like this year has held a multitude.  Like it has been the longest, and perhaps also the shortest year on record.

It's definitely been one of the crazyest.

It hit me this morning that I need to find time in the next 48 hours or so to sketch out a framework for the year to come.  I'm going to participate in the one word challenge spurred on by people like Alece and Ali Edwards.  (I'll reveal the word I've chosen in a day or two.)  But, participating in that challenge requires creating a framework for how to do that.  How to live that word for the next year.

It helps me to have a framework.

So, sometime tonight or tomorrow, I'll sit down with a pen and a journal and create that, on paper first, and then likely transfer some of it to the blog.  I've been reading (as I'm sure many of you have) article after article about living more meaningfully, about making and keeping resolutions, and about goal setting as the year draws to a close.  I have some thoughts and ways to make some commitments more tangible that I'm working on too.  Ways to chronicle the journey more intentionally than haphazardly.

In the meantime, the end is coming!

I can't believe the year is ending.

I can't believe a month of writing reverb 10 posts is also drawing to a close.  I'm going to miss having those daily prompts that forced me to stop and reflect, sometimes from angles I wouldn't have considered.

Has 2010 flown by for anyone else?  It really does seem like only yesterday that I was staring at a screen making a list of goals for the coming year.  And now I'm doing it again, only they're going to look immensely different.  Crazy.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 136

Today's Daily 5:

1. waking from dreams and having them spur prayer and understanding instead of fear and terror
2. listening to music from my friend Karla Adolphe
3. getting my favorite seat on the bus this morning
4. connecting briefly with a few people at work today (kind of a skeleton crew, but I was glad to see a few people)
5. 10 minute yoga

Reverb 10: Day 29 - Defining Moment

Today's Reverb 10 Prompt:

December 29 – Defining Moment

Describe a defining moment or series of events that has affected your life this year.

(Author: Kathryn Fitzmaurice)

I've struggled with how to answer this question, sitting here, staring at a blank post.  There are a few defining moments from this year that I can share here, but the far more profound ones are ones that are deeply personal, and not yet (and perhaps not ever) for public consumption.  Things that are private decisions I've made, that are dramatically shaping the landscape of my life.

On the very public front, a major defining moment was the sudden loss of my job.  It was never going to be a permanent job.  It was supposed to be my "work to pay bills until I figure out what I want to be when I grow up" job.  Losing it forced my hand on the "what do I want to be when I grow up" front.   It unexpectedly led to sensing God's leading and direction towards a career in nursing, and that has had dramatic impact on my life for the rather obvious reasons associated with a complete change of career.

I'm still staring at the screen, trying to wrap this up.  Wrestling with all of the thoughts around defining moments that the time is not ripe to share.  The personal defining moments have all been about decisions - decisions to value myself, to do things differently, to allow growth to happen in very unexpected ways.  And it's these moments that I really treasure.  It's those personal, internal defining moments that are giving flesh to the public ones like housing changes and job losses and new career directions.  Because it's the private moments that are shaping the character and spirit and emotion and voice that I lend to the public moments.

In the Office

I'm back at work today and tomorrow, fufilling the last two days of my temporary contract.

I can't quite express how much of a gift this job was in this season.

It was a gift in that it provided financially for me, but also in that, amidst all the things going on in my life that I can't talk about explicitly here, God knew I needed a distraction.  That another month of sitting around at home for most of each day wouldn't have worked.

It was a gift in that it was redemptive.  After a long season of working for an organization that was founded on Christian principles, but seemed to bend those as needed to allow for maximum profit, it has been incredibly redemptive to work for an organization that exists to meet very real and specific needs for the underprivileged in my city.  It's been a blessing to get to be the hands that met some of those needs.  It's been special to get to spread some tangible joy and relief, especially in the Christmas season when (even for me) those are so often lacking.

And so, I'm in the office today and tomorrow, doing administrative clean-up after the last month of crazyness.

And I'm thankful.

I'm making plans for Friday and next week (starting with a trip to the Canadian passport office early Friday morning), but mostly I'm enjoying a quieter day at the office, marking a few tasks off my list, and having some time to sit quietly and thank God for this job, and pray blessings on the organizations future, as well as begin to turn my heart toward my own future plans.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 135

Today's Daily 5:

1. A pretty mellow day to round out my time off before heading back to work tomorrow morning for the last couple days of my temporary contract
2. going to bed in freshly washed pajamas
3. watching the Anne of Green Gables movies over the last couple of days
4. a long hot shower
5. a free sample of body butter that came in the mail, and slathering it on my legs after my shower
6. wearing my hair curly two days in a row
7. smooth sorting out of a problem with my VISA card 
8. getting some errands (including a few I wasn't expecting to do) done
9. Spending $8 total for a really cute new hat and a pair of great earrings
10. going shopping with mom - time with her, and a small purchase was her birthday present
11. a natural health treatment
12. getting a ride home, with all my stuff, after being at mom and dad's for several days in a row
13. hemp lip balm from The Body Shop
14. a glass water bottle, with a silicone protector around it.  love that I have a glass bottle
15. really good homemade fried rice for supper
16. getting passport photos taken, at a very affordable cost, for BOTH of the passports I need to apply for/renew in the next month or so
17. a big mug of tea upon my arrival home, while unpacking, cleaning, and tackling other tasks
18. working on marking items off a list
19. 10 minute yoga
20. Lindt hazelnut chocolate balls

Reverb 10: Day 28 - Achieve

Today's Reverb 10 Prompt:

December 28 – Achieve

What’s the thing you most want to achieve next year? How do you imagine you’ll feel when you get it? Free? Happy? Complete? Blissful? Write that feeling down. Then, brainstorm 10 things you can do, or 10 new thoughts you can think, in order to experience that feeling today.

(Author: Tara Sophia Mohr)

I'm not a big achievement driven person.  At all.  In fact, I'm quite possibly the least motivated by competition, winning, and achievement person that you'll ever meet.

It's why I generally hate games. (Among other things, anyway.)  I just don't care about the outcome.

That said, when I read this prompt, an answer immediately sprang to mind.

The thing I would most like to achieve in 2011 is to be admitted to nursing school.

That will hopefully happen either in the first week of 2011 (possibly requiring a miracle), or it will possibly happen in September.

I don't know, honestly, what I'll feel, when that happens, other than perhaps relief and joy.  And maybe some excitement.

And that combination of feelings, well, it's not one I really want to experience today, or every day, so the part of this prompt that suggested I brainstorm ways to replicate that feeling (can you replicate something that hasn't happened yet?) is the part of the prompt that I am going to ignore.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 134

Today's Daily 5:
(an introduction to the Daily 5 can be found here)

1. A very uncharacteristically good sleep.  (I was horizontal for almost nine hours, and asleep off and on for much of that.  That number is almost unheard of for me, and worth celebrating.)
2. toast with butter and jam
3. a lazy but productive morning
4. finished writing my Christmas cards (sent off 14 more today)
5. doing laundry
6. a hot shower
7. pomegranate green tea
8. making lists
9. crossing things off of those lists
10. sunshine
11. curly hair
12. a brisk walk
13. unexpectedly knocking errands off my list
14. some excellent snarking material for emails with a friend
15. sharing a quiet evening with my parents, each of us doing our own thing, but in the room together, all resting, since all of us have been feeling under the weather

Reverb 10: Day 27 - Ordinary Joy

Today's Reverb 10 prompt:

December 27 – Ordinary Joy

Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments. What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year?

(Author: Brené Brown)

Ordinary Joy.

It should be an easy theme for me.  It's basically what I make a list about each evening when I write the daily 5.  (In fact, today's daily 5 in my iphone, just waiting to be transferred to the blog, is filled with very ordinary joys from the last 24 hours or so.) 

Dictionary.com defines ordinary as, "of no special quality or interest; commonplace; unexceptional."

I thought quite a bit today about what moment I was going to use here tonight.

I have two.


The first is an afternoon spent in a bookstore.  It was only a few hours really.  A brief stop on a road trip home from Ontario, with my dad, and my baby brother and his wife of approximately two weeks.


Dad and I planned the stop before we ever left Calgary to drive in the opposite direction.  I had the address for this store written in my little notebook, so that Emily, the GPS lady, could guide us directly there.  It was the destination we set when we left my sister-in-law's childhood home and headed back towards our own city.


The store is basically a clearing house for seconds from two big Christian publishing houses - slightly damaged or off-kilter or slightly misprinted books, still perfectly good, but not saleable to retailers, sold for a pittance.  


It's heaven for a book lover, and my dad, brother and I were in bliss.  Dad and my brother were busy stocking up on commentaries for their professional libraries, while I happily searched shelves with the joyful ease of one who is convinced that heaven will look and smell like a bookstore.  We shared finds, bought a few duplicates, adding multiple volumes to each of our libraries, and just generally baffled my poor sister-in-law, who enjoys reading, but perhaps not to the same book nerdish extent of her new husband and some of his family members.  It was delightful.  Such a simple activity that it was ordinary, and completely out of the ordinary at the same time, since we likely won't be back in that place for a long time.


The other afternoon I'm thinking of happened in California in the fall.  After a full morning of church related activities, we spent the afternoon comfortably, in pajamas, sorting a giant bucket of the little metal monopoly tokens that had been given to my friend for sale in the Sunday school rewards store.  Basically, we spent the afternoon laughing, talking, taking turns picking questions to mutually answer from a book full of fascinating prompts.  It was perhaps one of my favorite parts of that trip, because it was simple.  We weren't touring around or doing anything extravagant or unique to that area, we were just getting to know each other better, enjoying each others company without pretense, resting, talking and laughing.


I suppose it's not all that ordinary to sort a giant bucket full of thousands of monopoly pieces, laughing and exclaiming over some of the stranger ones, and some of the funny ones, but the afternoon felt ordinary, natural, and beautiful.


And perhaps that's the key to ordinary joy.  It's certainly the key to the things that make my daily 5 lists night after night.  They are the things that may or may not happen regularly, but seem natural, and beautiful and carry smiles and laughter and joy within them.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 133

Today's Daily 5:

1. Wearing the fun new hoodie that my brother J and his girlfriend R gave me for Christmas
2. a few brief moments in worship at church this morning
3. getting to take communion as Christmas draws to a close and the new year grows close
4. I'm still doing the operation world daily prayer for a country, and loving it.
5. trying out the new nail art kit mom and dad gave me for Christmas on my toenails.  Let me tell you, I'm going to have some fun and professional looking toes from here on in!
6. magic bags (I'm fighting a cold, and having a hard time getting warm, and these have been fabulous)
7. the freedom to say no to a set of plans for the evening, in favor of recognizing what my desires and needs really were
8. a long hot bath, reading a novel
9. writing the reverb 10 post for today, and remembering some of the great food I've eaten this year
10. the simplicity of a chef salad for supper, after a few days of nothing but very rich foods.
11. catching up on my email inbox (now totally caught up!)
12. ordering a movie online that I can't wait to collect some friends to watch together
13. time with family, but also time alone.
14. smiling at mom's face when her family called her from their get together, just as their football team (they're from Wisconsin, guess which "cult" they're a part of?) won their game today
15. having a spot to curl up in mom and dad's basement for the evening, free from the pressures of my living situation at grandma's, and close to family, but still alone.

Reverb 10: Day 26 - Soul Food

Today's Reverb 10 Prompt:

December 26 – Soul Food

What did you eat this year that you will never forget? What went into your mouth & touched your soul?

(Author: Elise Marie Collins)

Anyone who reads my daily 5 lists on a regular basis knows that food has an amazing power to make me smile and that it often makes the list of things I'm thankful for.

That said, a couple of meals this year stand out.

I've had some pretty great food prepared by family members this year, including yesterday's turkey dinner.  (And I say that as someone who actually doesn't like turkey!)  I have a cousin who is training to be a chef, and the food he and his mom have been preparing for our family gatherings has been pretty incredible.  Yesterday's meal included appetizers, a soup course, a salad course, and then the main buffet dinner, and it was fantastic, particularly the spinach salad my cousin made.  So good.

I ate some "new" foods this year, including the "butter burger" from Culver's in Wisconsin and Minnesota.  My dad had been raving about that burger for a while, and I have to tell you, it was pretty tasty.

Some of my favorite food memories from this year involve friends, and the best of those happened during my trip to California.  One of the first things we did after I met my friend in the airport was go for lunch at the Old Spaghetti Factory.  My friend introduced me to a dish called Mizithra, and, well, I may have fallen in love.  (So in love that I was absolutely delighted to discover that I can get that particular delicacy here in Calgary, and that I found a friend who would indulge my tastes and meet me at Old Spaghetti Factory here for dinner!)  In California I also ate the best steak dinner I've ever had, some fantastic authentic Mexican food, and what was quite possibly the best cheesecake I've ever eaten (and I say that as someone who doesn't like cheesecake very much!)  Oh, and I almost forgot, but I had these crazy good chicken bite things for breakfast on the way to Disneyland.  I can't remember the name of the fast food place where we got them, but they were TASTY, and I've wished since that I could find them here.

And then, there's the comfort food category.  For me, that includes Almond Joy bars, Vietnamese, Subway, and Macdonalds.  Almond Joy bars fall into a unique category, because they can't be purchased in the part of Canada that I live in, so any Almond Joy in my possession is either purchased when I travel, or sent/delivered to me by friends who live in the United States, or travel there for work or pleasure.  The other three categories are simple, because I order the same things every time.  At Vietnamese restaurants I always order "bun" - rice vermicelli with veggies, pork, and spring rolls.  At Subway, it's always a turkey breast sub on honey oat bread, with lettuce, cucumber, sub sauce, sweet onion sauce, and light mayo.  At Macdonalds, it's some combination of a cheeseburger, fries, and mcnuggets.  These are the foods I eat when I want familiar and happy.

I love that taste has the ability to make me smile, and I look forward to meals, particularly when I can share those meals with the people who are dear to me.  There's something unique and beautiful about sharing fabulous food and conversation with loved ones that I can't quite put words to, except to say that it is fabulous, and I long for more of those moments.

Such Relief

I read this passage the other day, and was so struck by the "out" it offers.  Such relief in not having to work to make myself respectable.

Hebrews 9:15 (The Message)

"Through the Spirit, Christ offered himself as an unblemished sacrifice, freeing us from all those dead-end efforts to make ourselves respectable, so that we can live all out for God."

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 132

Today's Daily 5:

1. Dad's "famous" hashbrown breakfast
2. good times with family (even with changing dynamics that I sometimes struggle with)
3. fun giving presents
4. opening a few different gifts that made me smile
5. opening apples to apples after almost picking it up at work yesterday in exchange for a donation.  I would have taken it, but my brother gave it away to a client, and while I wasn't that disappointed, I did harass him about giving away "my" game all day yesterday.  Then I opened the gift he and his wife purchased for me this morning and turns out he'd given it away yesterday so as to not ruin their gift for me today!  Oh, we laughed!
6. watching "A Charlie Brown Christmas" for the first time ever - I loved it! (so thankful for the friend who gifted it to me earlier in the week)
7. great food prepared by my cousin (training to be a chef) and his mom (the one from whom he got the passion for great food)
8. tried something new food wise (didn't like it, but working on being open to expanding my palate and horizons and willing to try new things)
9. stealing a few minutes to just read quietly
10. curly hair - I loved the way my hair turned out today, with minimal effort

Merry Christmas All!  I hope your day was filled with many blessings!

Reverb 10: Day 25 - Photo

Today's Reverb 10 Prompt:

December 25 – Photo – a present to yourself

Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you.

(Author: Tracey Clark)

I spent a few minutes scrolling through photos from the last year and realized that this was definitely a year where I spent a lot more time behind the camera than in front of it.  Since I find photography therapeutic, that's not really all that surprising, but it does make it interesting to try to find an image that best captures me from within the past year.

I narrowed it down to these three images.

A dear friend who I met in person because of this blog took the first shot.  It's taken at the beach at Coronado, and I love the smile that I'm wearing.  It's a smile that reflects the fact that I was resting, that this trip was an escape, to find joy and to pray.  I love the ocean and being near the ocean on a sunny day in early fall was just about perfect.  I also love that I'm wearing a scarf in this photo.  I wear them most days, and almost all of my scarves have a meaning or a place attached to them.  That particular scarf was a gift for my 27th birthday, and was purchased in Germany and mailed to me from the Czech Republic by my dear friend and former roommate, L.

The second photo was a self-portrait, taken in either Bragg Creek or Kananaskis, on a late fall day.  I was out hiking with my mom and her cousin, and I was happy.  I love being in the mountains, and as I recall, that day was particularly lovely.

The third portrait is also from California, and was taken by a mutual friend of myself and the other LP/CA, the friend I flew to California to meet.  I love that this photo shows a friendship that has been full of laughter, and that it showcases some very happy memories.  That particular day we attended a Moroccan Tea, and that tea is one of my favorite memories from that trip.

Merry Christmas!

A dear friend sent me this late last night, and it made me smile.  It seemed the perfect addition to yesterday's cute children's re-telling of the nativity.

Merry Christmas to all of you!  Hugs and Prayers and Many Blessings for each of you today!

Reverb 10: Day 24 - Everything's Ok

Today's Reverb 10 Prompt:

December 24 Prompt – Everything’s OK

What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?

(Author: Kate Inglis)

This has been such a year of nothing being "ok" that I don't think I can pick a moment, really, that proves the opposite.

But there have been moments of peace - walking into a hug at an airport in California.  The relief that came after following through for the first time on a decision I'd made.  The deep internal knowing that the path of choosing nursing has been confirmed in odd little ways that really only mean something to me.

Everything may not be okay, but I'm going to be.  Somehow I know that, even without a moment that can be pinpointed.  This has been a year of learning to trust that thing deep inside me, to trust Jesus with that.  And it's that trust that I want to carry forward into 2011.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 131

Today's Daily 5:

1. twinkling christmas lights left on overnight, still shining in the early morning
2. an early morning moon in a clear sky
3. no wind chill factor in the outside temperature today
4. having the art of packing to spend several days at mom and dad's down to a quickly accomplished art
5. Christmas greetings on facebook and email
6. getting my favorite seat on the bus
7. the beautiful colored silk lanterns lit up in the window displays at 10,000 Villages
8. a very low key day at work
9. getting off work early
10. Christmas Eve food - love the tradition of just making appetizers.  so yummy.

The Christmas Story

I came across this video last night, and thought it would be the most appropriate thing possible for my blog on Christmas Eve.

Stop and take a few minutes to appreciate these very cute kids with accents that made me smile and reminded me of my two former roommates, also from New Zealand where the movie was made!

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 130

Today's Daily 5:

1. 1 year, 130 days of making these lists
2. going to bed laughing last night after talking with a friend, after an evening that absolutely could have gone the opposite direction.  And, I'm very certain that laughter helped me sleep decently, instead of the rough night that sometimes comes from the harder emotional stuff.  But transitioning from the hard stuff to laughter was such a blessing last night.
3. A postcard that came yesterday with a surfing kangaroo on it.  Still making me smile, a day later.  This one might be destined to land on my wall of smiles!
4. starting the day with an email that came all the way from New Zealand, and was from a dear friend and former roommate
5. not having to worry about the stresses of winter driving since I don't own a car and take the bus or train everywhere I go
6. drop in day at work.  It was absolutely nuts, but fun, too.  I mean, how many people out there can say that they were directly involved in providing Christmas gifts for over 200 families (and counting since I left before they closed) covering nearly 500 children, in one day?  It was so cool to be able to bless people that way, and so many left wishing us blessings and Merry Christmas!
7. a great staff with just the right mix of people.  Very important since probably 150 of those families went through in the first four hours!
8. the slight feeling of vindication upon successfully stopping one woman who was intent on getting more gifts for her child, even though we'd served her earlier in the week.  It's not that I feel particularly vicious, just that I find that little bit of justice satisfying, since we know we had others who probably quite likely did cheat the system today, leaving less for families that were genuinely needy, or coming for the first time.
9. getting home early, taking a night off, and curling up in my pajamas in bed with a mug of tea.
10. hemp lip balm from The Body Shop
11. loving my iphone and the functionality of the apps I use.  It's so brilliant for me to be able to make lists for the daily 5, have my calendar, all my contacts, my grocery list, my to do list, my email, my phone, and even a few games and health and fitness tracking things in one place, always accessible!
12. trading texts with a number of good friends today at various points, and loving being able to share bits and pieces of our days in that way.
13. the constant presence of my parents these days, particularly as I navigate my tricky living situation and wait to see what comes for school.
14. more snarky emails - just too fun to trade these with a friend, laughing and sarcastic and poking fun at whatever is our topic of choice.
15. thankful that the weather today wasn't any colder than it was.

Reverb 10: Day 23 - A New Name

Today's Reverb 10 prompt:

December 23 – New Name

Let’s meet again, for the first time. If you could introduce yourself to strangers by another name for just one day, what would it be and why?

(Author: Becca Wilcott)

I've thought about this prompt off and on since it popped into my email inbox late last night.

My thoughts run in several directions.

There's the friend I once met who was a telephone information line operator.  They didn't use their real names, so she'd pick a new name for each day.  One day she would be Faye, and the next Kathy, and so on.  A new person, every day.

But the thought that is most prominent is that it's taken me an awfully long time to make peace with my name, and I don't think I'd change it.

My parents named me Lisa Christine.  They picked the name for it's meaning.  Lisa, a derivative of Elizabeth, means consecrated or dedicated to God.  Christine, quite simply, means "Christian."  It was a name they felt appropriate for their firstborn - "A Christian, consecrated (set apart) to God."

I hated that meaning for a lot of years.  It felt like a heavy burden, particularly during the many years as a teenager that I struggled with depression and wanted nothing so much as to escape as far as possible from the Christian upbringing that felt burdensome and lacking in joy.

It's hard to be the one questioning God when your day is a pastor and your parents decreed you a believer, set apart for God, from birth.  I felt like I was failing not only God, but disappointing my parents with my inability to live within the boundaries of my name.

It's only in the last couple of years that I've begun to see my name as the blessing my parents intended it to be.  Hopes and dreams for their child, spoken over me.  A blessing and prayer spoken each time they called my name.  In those years I've met Jesus deeply, and today I can truly declare that my heart's desire is indeed to be follower of Christ, set apart unto him.

Having finally made peace with that name, I don't think I'd change it.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 129

Today's Daily 5:

1. A giant early morning moon smiling at me as I waited to catch the bus to work this morning
2. colored lights twinkling through windowpanes visited by Jack Frost
3. a bit longer and relatively peaceful sleep last night than I've been having lately
4. using my iphone on the bus
5. Yesterday over lunch I mentioned to a friend that I felt slightly deprived because I'd never seen the seemingly iconic Charlie Brown Christmas cartoon.  I was feeling that I'd missed a cultural phenomena or something.  Today my friend popped by my office just for a minute to drop off a copy of the cartoon that she'd purchased for me as a Christmas gift.  It totally made me smile, and I'm already plotting when in the next several crazy days I can find time to curl up with a blanket and watch it.
6. escaping work a bit early this afternoon
7. prepping the favorite family appetizer for Christmas Eve
8. the fact that my job is very much redemptive in both my life, and in it's purpose
9. getting to meet the lady who goes with my favorite humorous language barrier work story from this year.
10. many, many brilliant snarky emails traded with a friend
11. conversation and laughter on the phone with a dear friend
12. dreaming a bit of travel while writing the reverb 10 post for tonight
13. getting a few Christmas cards in the mail (the rest will just have to be for new years!)
14. that tonight will be an early to bed night, since tomorrow will be a very early morning
15. clean drinking water (so random, but I think about it a lot, since water is my beverage of choice and I really do enjoy good, clean, filtered water)

Reverb 10: Day 22 - Travel

Today's Reverb 10 Prompt:

December 22 – Travel

How did you travel in 2010? How and/or where would you like to travel next year?

(Author: Tara Hunt)

This was actually a kind of slow travel year for me.

I made two trips.

The first was in May.  A cross country road trip with my dad, after unexpectedly losing my job, to attend the Ontario wedding reception for my brother and his wife, and see a friend.  The trip is pretty much a blur in my mind, hazy from the pain and shock of the sudden job loss.  I was moving through life pretty much shell-shocked, and I'm sure it showed.  On the way to Ontario, the conversation was pretty minimal.  I slept a lot.  Dad and I had one conversation the first night about the circumstances that had me accompanying him, and that was about it.  The rest of the conversation centered around whether or not we should keep driving, where we should stop for the night, and where we should eat.  The answer to where we would be eating while driving through Wisconsin or Minnesota, by the way, is Culvers, for a Butter Burger.  The answer to whether or not we should keep driving was almost always yes (we're sort of long-haul road trip fans, dad and I).  That answer actually led to us spending a night sleeping in our seats in the truck in a rest stop parking lot, after all the hotels in the small town where we'd decided to stop were filled up with people in town for a state-wide high school tennis tournament. 

The highlight of that trip was stopping at the Eerdman's Publishing House Clearance centre in Grand Rapids Michigan on the way home.  My brother and sister in law drove back home with Dad and I and I think my poor sister in law was wondering what she'd gotten herself into when she experienced three book nerds in a store that we would define as "heavenly".  The poor girl just kind of sat while the three of us went a little nuts shopping at extreme bargain prices, without the trouble of airplane luggage weight restrictions!

The second trip was to California, in mid September, to meet a friend in person for the first time, after a few years of conversing on my blog and by email.  I wrote about it quite extensively in several posts.  (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6)  That trip was also an escape, a chance to pause and pray and consider steps of healing and rebuilding.  It has very much shaped the way the months since then have played out, and I'm so incredibly thankful for that change of scenery and time with a dear friend.  I'm also still amazed that palm trees actually do grow outside!  I think in my head I really was convinced that it was all a photo-shopped marvel, and to see that they do exist was quite shocking to me, followed by a prompt falling in love.  I'm now convinced that my life will not be complete until I've lived for at least a period of time in a place where palm trees live outdoors!

As for travel and 2011, my dream travel year would be this:  A repeat visit (at least one!) to California.  Time in Europe with my dear friend and former roommate, L, who is now living over there, and then a stop in North Africa or maybe even the middle east.  South America remains on my list, but the timing for that doesn't seem right just yet.  So, if I could go anywhere this year (aside from California, which is the only one that might fit my budget!), it would be some European adventures with a friend and proven excellent traveling companion, and then some time in North Africa.

Busy Days

I'm grabbing a couple of minutes to eat, and to stop in here.  Today and tomorrow will be absolutely nuts as we wrap up the Toy Shoppe here at work.

Pray for us, that we will have patience and grace with people who are upset, and that we will have strength through the crazy busyness of the next few days.

I'll be back later tonight with the daily 5 and today's reverb 10 post.  I think the reverb 10 topic for the day is travel - always one of my favorite discussion topics!

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 128

When I woke up this morning, I had a brutal headache that I medicated before even turning the overhead lights on. (That's pretty rare, since I try not to medicate them whenever possible.)  I was pretty convinced that it was going to be a rough day.  Turns out that the headache meds worked and I only needed them this morning.  (Thank you, God.)  And the day was pretty great too.

So, here's today's daily 5:

1. The surprise chance to grab a quick lunch with a friend
2. A gift of Almond Joy bars, loving delivered from the US, with the promise of a few more after her next trip a few months from now
3. Introducing a coworker to the wonder that is Almond Joy
4. A chance encounter at the bus stop that led to a fun conversation with a Mexican immigrant lady who is also a Christian, while we rode the bus together
5. Getting paid to go shopping for gifts for kids on work time
6. finishing my own Christmas shopping in the process
7. an immense joy in my heart this season, instead of the angst of previous Advent seasons
8. a full heart
9. warm and cozy boots
10. snarky email laughter
11. that I was commuting by bus instead of train this morning when the trains weren't running unexpectedly
12. A beautiful hand made Christmas card arriving in the mail (seriously stunning, and makes me almost embarrassed for the ones I've made)
13. a big mug of tea 
14. a bowl of Italian wedding soup
15. crawling into my pjs early and catching up on my at home work from bed
16. flickering candlelight
17. listening to a mix cd that was a Christmas gift last year from my brother J while I work

Reverb 10: Day 21 - Future Self

Today's Reverb 10 Prompt:

December 21 – Future Self.

Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? (Bonus: Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?)

(Author: Jenny Blake)

Ugh.  I'm notoriously bad at the whole "what do you want life to look like five years from now" question.  I think I'm even less confident in my ability to answer that sort of question after spending 2010 watching the complete deconstruction of the answers I once would have given to those sorts of questions.

That said, the advice I'd give my current self for the year ahead is to just keep trusting.  To rest.  To be patient.  To continue to get better at allowing change to happen without the formerly obligatory meltdowns.  I'd advise me to study well, and put effort into school, because it will make a difference in the job I end up in, and the fulfillment of dreams.

It's a little easier to answer the question of what I'd say to myself five or ten years ago.  The big one would be to study a little harder that last semester of university.  Yes, the people you're supporting are important, but those grades are going to have an impact that you really can't imagine a few years down the road, and it would be worth it to study a bit harder.

I'd tell myself that it's okay to seek out joy, and live amidst that.  I'd tell myself that healing is coming in radical ways, and that I could probably speed the process up if I'd be a bit more willing to ask for help.  I'd tell myself to choose relationships that feed the soul instead of sapping energy from it.  I'd tell myself that the church I'm attending doesn't matter so much as whether or not God put it in my path.  I'd tell myself that some of the things coming wouldn't look anything like what I'd dreamed they would, but that the wounds they carried with them would eventually heal.  I'd tell myself to soak in the atmosphere in Europe, and not be so overwhelmed, to be joyful instead of afraid.  I'd tell myself to be gentle with myself, to have an opinion, to please people a little less and recognize my own needs a little bit more.  And I'd tell myself that I have time to learn all these things, and that it's okay if I don't get them right away.

Take the Mercy, Accept the Help

This passage encouraged me deeply when I read it yesterday, as I pondered some of the things going on in my life, and I wanted to share.

Hebrews 4:14-16 (The Message)
"Now that we know what we have—Jesus, this great High Priest with ready access to God—let’s not let it slip through our fingers. We don’t have a priest who is out of touch with our reality. He’s been through weakness and testing, experienced it all—all but the sin. So let’s walk right up to him and get what he is so ready to give. Take the mercy, accept the help."

A Review of "A Time to Embrace" by Karen Kingsbury

A Time to Embrace is an older Karen Kingsbury novel, published originally in 2002.  It continues the story of John and Abby Reynolds that began in A Time to Dance.  It tackles issues of love, commitment, intimacy, and forgiveness and does so with a deft hand, effortlessly weaving truth into the story line without feeling overly preachy.

I am a self professed lover of story, and, as Christian novelists go, Karen Kingsbury is a master storyteller.  I am most happy when profound truth is communicated in the form of a story, and Kingsbury has mastered this art.  Her novels, and this one was no exception, are encouraging and uplifting, though I would warn that they almost always fall into the "tear jerker" category!

In this case, I read A Time to Embrace in about three sittings, but only because I couldn't carve out a large enough chunk of free time in a busy weekend to read it in one.

What made me particularly happy was the fact that, since this book ended a series, it didn't leave the reader with questions.  Loose ends were tied up, and one was able to mentally picture the desired "happily ever after" ending, without wondering about the "what if's" and "but what about...'s"

I would wholeheartedly reccomend this one to anyone who's in the mood for a bit of happier reading for a change.

Note: This book was given to me at no charge by Thomas Nelson Publishers via their booksneeze.com program.  I was not required to provide a positive review, and am not being compensated for the review.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 127

Today's Daily 5:

1. Thankful that I've had a collection of cross-cultural experiences in the past.  When a crazy situation in the Toy Shoppe developed today, I'm confident that it was those experiences and the shared experiences of friends that kept me from exploding.  Instead, I was able to calmly but firmly handle the situation.
2. Finishing work on time after what was an admittedly CRAZY day.  It may be the only day this week that that happens, so it's definitely worth celebrating!
3. Leftover Chinese food for dinner
4. time with my brother T, chatting quietly while we split a pannini for lunch at work
5. snarky moments of laughter
6. getting to meet some really interesting and fabulous people who show up to volunteer for us at work
7. a hot shower
8. making a list of "must be dones" for the week to tackle
9. actually accomplishing a chunk of the list despite other time demands tonight
10. freshly painted toenails

Reverb 10: Day 20 - Beyond Avoidance

Today's Reverb 10 prompt:

December 20 – Beyond Avoidance.

What should you have done this year but didn’t because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?)

(Author: Jake Nickell)

I have in the past been the self-dubbed queen of avoidance.  It's a particular skill of mine, avoidance.

But this year was not a year that it actually saw a lot of practice.

Circumstances made the things I would have rather avoided pretty much impossible to ignore.

I mean, when you lose a job you'd thought totally secure, the day after your baby brother's wedding, well, it has a way of forcing your hand.  That one forced the "stop and pray and listen to hear what direction to go next" thing that I'd been putting off for far too long.

My moving into grandma's house brought some, um, interesting family stuff to light.  No avoiding there either.  I was living in the middle of it.

And, this year I made a decision I'd been consciously avoiding for at least five years on one level or another.  I'm glad I made that decision, too.  (And yes, I am avoiding saying what that decision was!  A girl has to have some secrets to share in long skype conversations, or chats over coffee!)

All in all, I'd say it's actually been a year for the opposite of avoidance.

Weird for the self-declared queen.

But a good weird.

Maybe avoidance is a skill that is actually better off collecting dust.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 126

Today's Daily 5:

1. peanut butter toast
2. pomegranate green tea
3. being there in a moment when it was needed to pray for someone I love
4. unexpectedly getting an errand done
5. a restful afternoon
6. a family gathering that mostly included laughter
7. angry birds (yep, finally downloaded it, and now slightly addicted.  may have also managed to addict my sister in law and baby brother)
8. still loving the reverb 10 prompts
9. really enjoying the latest book I'm reading for booksneeze
10. chinese food for supper
11. a long conversation at dad's church this morning with someone who has been a friend/mentor for years
12. getting a christmas card/picture from a favorite family at dad's church to add to my wall of happiness when I get back to my place tomorrow night.

Reverb 10: Day 19 - Healing

Today's Reverb 10 prompt:

December 19 – Healing.

What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011?

(Author: Leonie Allan)

I feel like of all the prompts so far, this one should really be the easiest one for me to form an answer to.  I mean, I talk about healing, and my own journey of healing in this space on at least a weekly, if not a daily basis.   Healing in general, in all its forms, is one of my favorite topics of discussion, writing, and conversation.  And yet, I spent a good chunk of time today wondering how I was going to answer this because so much of the answer is still too deeply personal and internal to share in this public place where people I know, and people I don't show up and read each day.

Here's what I can say - healing came in unexpected forms and places this year.  It came in conscious choices.  It came mostly in the latter part of the year.

I have particularly found healing in some decisions I made after escaping to California in September.  The complete change of scenery gave me the mental, emotional and spiritual space to re-evaluate many things and make decisions about moving forward.  I made conscious choices to involve some others in my journey of healing.  To seek help where I needed it, and to draw a very unexpected group of people around me to pray and love and support me as I sought to heal.  I found incredible healing in discovering that the messyness of life was known by these people, and that I was deeply loved for who I am, and not for what I contribute.  I found healing in conversations and prayer, and a continual commitment to seek it out.

I have found healing in the job I'm working at right now.  It was another unexpected God thing - He knew before I did that I really needed to be employed for these six weeks, and not trying to fill time at home.  I think He knew, too, long before I discovered it, that I needed to be working for a Christian organization that really does put God at the center of what they're doing.  An organization that seeks to live out the scriptures that talk about feeding and clothing, and about doing justice and loving mercy and walking humbly with God.  After so many years in the position I lost, in a place where in some ways the faith label was just there to garner business, and a lifetime as a pastor's kid, I have found it healing to live in a place where a love for God really is something that is lived out and plays out all around me each and every day.

Honestly, as 2011 comes, I pray that the healing that has begun in 2010 continues.  That it comes in ways that surprise me, like this job, and that it comes in those same relationships and choices that have also blessed me.

I Did It Again

Some time ago now I wrote about a classic foot in mouth moment in my life. It was one of the more ridiculously humorous moments I've had.

I did it again this morning at the same church, with the same person. Perhaps not quite as badly, but it was definitely a case of "same story, second verse."

Sigh.

My internal voice started warning me the second I walked in the door. She was standing right there, waiting. The long time nemesis to my ability to be gracious. The one who has the unique ability to bring forth in me a raging case of foot in mouth disease.

And so my internal voice was talking. "Be careful. Smile. Be polite. Minimal words. Filter."

It didn't work.

I seem to possess the unique ability to shock this woman, even when the things I say aren't all that shocking.

"Are you ready for Christmas," she asked.

I laughed, cheerfully, and answered lightly, honestly, "Nope!"

So far so good.

"Well you know it's going to come anyway, whether you're ready or not!"

(In retrospect, who says something like that?)

Even as I responded again, my internal voice was screaming those same warnings it had been sounding since I entered the building, "Lisa Christine, be polite! Smile! Filter!"

And then the train derailed, though I didn't know it yet.

My mouth opened, ignore the warnings still sounding within me, and I spoke, still with a cheerful tone, "That's okay, I'm not its biggest fan. It can come and go and it will be fine."

Honesty is not the best policy. Sharing a bit of ambivalence over someone's pointed cheer is bad news.

And the shock registered on her face.

I wasn't even going for shock. I've been guilty of shooting for that in the past, but today I was going for the opposite.  In this case, I was simply expressing the thought that crossed my mind - that though Christmas is special, I'm just a bit ambivalent about it.  Glad for it, but not all that worried about it's coming and going.  It really didn't occur to me that this would be a piece of news that would be shocking, or offensive. 

But it was.

Sigh. Sometimes I just can't win.

At least this one won't require a report to mom and dad to allay the tattling concern of a well meaning busy body. That, in nearly three decades of navigating this stony pastor's kid journey is a blessing all its own!

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 125

Today's Daily 5:
(an introduction to the Daily 5 can be found here)

1. waking from an odd dream that would have once fallen into the nightmare category and realizing that instead I found it weirdly fascinating and oddly funny more than anything else
2. being caught up on the reverb 10 posts
3. getting a ride to work
4. getting to work with my brother T and his wife L today (fun that we could hire them)
5. a really good appointment this afternoon that has left me pondering
6. the smile of anticipation on the face of a father who confessed to me in broken English that he really should have brought his two daughters to choose for themselves, but he really wanted to surprise them for Christmas, and so he was there to pick the gifts out. (couple this with the joy of knowing that between us we helped him pick out gifts that his daughters will likely really enjoy.)
7. watching episodes of Grey's from this year while I sat to make Christmas cards
8. a great line from one of the episodes of Grey's:  "I'm not GI Jane!  I'm Attachment Barbie!"
9. Christmas cards are now all made.  Just need to be written in and mailed.  Yes, they're going to arrive for new year's.  oh well.
10. feeling safe - not always something I've experienced this year, and a gift to be able to rest quietly and easily each weekend on these little escapes to mom and dad's house.

Reverb 10: Day 18 - Try

Today's Reverb 10 Prompt:

December 18 – Try

What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn’t go for it?

(Author: Kaileen Elise)

My list of goals for 2010 was completely and entirely derailed.  Life took crazy turn after crazy turn, and I didn't manage to complete almost anything on that list, including things like trying 2 new recipes a month, taking a real yoga class, oh, and seeing U2 live.

Next year I want to try to live deeply and fully - whatever twists life brings.

I want to settle into a new place.

I want to try cooking new things, and maybe even eating a few new things.  (Scallops, I'm going to try scallops.)

I still want to try taking a yoga class live and in person, instead of the video workouts I use.

So basically what I'm saying is that I want a "do over" on 2010's list of things to try.

I want to be more aware of my own needs.  That's a big thing for me to try to work on.

Oh, and I want to try to see U2 live.  That concert from 2010 that didn't happen has technically been rescheduled for 2011, so barring Bono having more unexpected back surgery, or more crazy life twists in my life, in 2011 I want to see U2 live in concert.

A few fun links

It's been a little while since I linked up to other bits and pieces, but here are just a few that have caught my attention in recent days:

While I'm not at all a fan of the trend in the last few years of putting "catchy" little pun type phrases on church signs, I have to admit that this one at Jesus Needs New PR did actually make me chuckle.  At least it was a little bit creative! (Or I thought so anyway, I hadn't seen that one before!)

I've written before about Gretchen Rubin's The Happiness Project, and I smiled at this post on her blog when I read it last night.  I think her advice to "treat yourself like a toddler" is advice that I'm going to keep in mind.  Because I think the whole "being a grownup" thing does cause us to ignore basic needs or things that make us happier, better functioning individuals, and thinking about the fact that everyone benefits when I am well cared for is helpful for me in a quest to be better at self-care.

Reverb 10: Day 17 - Lesson Learned

This is the last in my attempt to catch up! Tonight I'll be writing the prompt for today, in the meantime, here's yesterday's reverb10 prompt:

December 17 – Lesson Learned

What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward?

(Author: Tara Weaver)

I've learned this year that I am far more resilient and stronger and able to handle major changes in life than I gave myself credit for.

It's not just the physical stuff of circumstances either.  While I have weathered a car accident, the loss of a job that I'd had semi long-term, and a crazy living situation,  I've also weathered quite a lot of internal turmoil.  Deep wounds exposed.  Changing and shifting relationships.  Things settling into patterns that are new and entirely unexpected.

And if you had told me a year ago that I would be sitting here and feeling joyful (in fact, in many ways more joyful and at peace than I've ever been) after all of those things occurred, I would have told you you were crazy.  Nuts.  Loco.  That you'd lost it completely.

But here I am.  I've not only survived, I've occasionally thrived.

I'm getting better (though I'm by no means an expert, and I'd be very okay if I didn't have to practice any more for a while) at rolling with the punches life has thrown.

And in the midst of all of that, I've met Jesus in a way that amazes me.  When all those other things were stripped away, He was the constant, and I'm coming to know and love him deeply.  I can say today that I really do trust Him.  I think of Job, so desperate, in his misery, crying out, "I know that my Redeemer lives... and even if my flesh is destroyed, I'll see him.  I'll see him for myself.  With my own eyes."  I feel like I understand in an even greater way the deep hope and trust of Job's cry.  It's a passage that has always grabbed my heart, one that meant a lot in the many years of depression, but it's one that speaks even more deeply to me now, in this crazy year of deconstruction, but a year where my confidence that God is present and I will see him, with my own eyes, has grown in ways that words can't quite describe.

And that ability to trust, to adapt, to lean into Jesus as constant?  That's something I want to cultivate, to carry with me, to let bloom inside me in new ways as I move forward into the coming year.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 124

Today's Daily 5:

1. being treated to dinner last night
2. sleeping in a bit this morning (working the 10-6 shift was nice after the really long days I've had the last two days)
3. Eavesdropping this morning on two old men flirting with an old lady (she informed them she was 84) on the bus.  It was quite the scene, complete with awkward flirting attempts, and it was all I could do not to give away my eavesdropping by cracking up!
4. getting to work with my brother - we've hired him, and it was fun to spend some time together
5. a bowl of Italian wedding soup from M&M
6. laughter
7. still loving the benefits of my job, and the chance to really bless people by meeting a desire that they have to provide a special time for their children at Christmas
8. a long hot bubble bath, reading the latest book that booksneeze sent me to review
9. my usual weekend escape
10. studying the reverb 10 prompts and getting ready to get them caught up
11. having things to be thankful for

Reverb 10: Day 16: Friends

The December 16th Reverb 10 prompt:

December 16 – Friendship

How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst?

(Author: Martha Mihalick)

This has been a year for shift and change in friendships.

There have been the new friendships at house church.  The settling into a rhythm there, being welcomed, laughing, talking about who we are as a group, about faith and life and all the goofy little things of life.  They've shaped my perspective as I've thought about mission, and about humility.  They've been the people who've come around me in some really challenging moments this year, hugging me when I cried, laughing with me, giving me space to share the honest truth about how I'm really doing, and even helping me a bit financially in some challenging moments.  They made me welcome and gave me a home to land in for my faith, and I can't imagine my week without that Thursday night gathering.  I miss it when I'm away from it.

There have been shifting friendships, old ones rekindled, and new ones born.

There has been a group of friends who have honored my request to come around me and pray with me and journey with me through some tough stuff.

There was the adding of voices and personality that came when I flew to California and spent a week in person with a friend who'd already become dear via blogging and emailing.  Her voice, already among my trusted friends before that trip, has been important in the journey of healing that this year of crazy deconstruction has encompassed.  It's the checking in at night and rating the day, the trading of snarky emails, the moments of humor (ridiculous or dark), the shared love for the world, for Jesus, and for books that has made it fun.  The trading of book recommendations particularly makes me smile - there are few people who have managed to successfully recommend books to me, but she has made numerous timely suggestions that I've loved!

I don't know how to describe, exactly, the way friendships have changed me this year.  But I can say with great certainty that they have.  That I have been blessed with friends who I love, and who love me in return.  With people who have been there in a year that hasn't exactly been filled with triumphant moments.  Who in the moments I was least able to believe myself loved and lovable, came around me and showed me in tangible and intangible ways that the truth was the opposite of what I felt and believed.  They taught me that I could struggle, and need support and encouragement and prayer, and not be a burden, the way I was so convinced I was.  That was a thought that drove me to hide the broken bits, or the severity of the hard days.  The people I'm privileged to call friends have been carriers of God's love for me this year in ways that I truly can't wrap words around, and I'm so grateful for them.

A Chuckle

I get the daily Garfield cartoon by email, and have for years.  It's been a while since I've posted one here, but this one really did make me smile when I read it:

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 123

So, today was not quite as long and crazy as yesterday, but it had its moments, and I'm not caught up on the reverb 10 project.  Hopefully over the weekend!

In the meantime, here's today's daily 5:

1. waking up at mom and dad's after a mid-week sleepover due to last night's late night and today's early morning, much easier public transit access from their house
2. collecting some wrapping paper scraps from the toy shoppe at work for a project I'm working on
3. incredible joy and smiles on people's faces as they shop for their kids
4. having great joy at work, even amidst some really chaotic moments
5. House church Christmas dinner tonight
6. some really great conversations with friends
7. a steak sandwich (red meat was just what I needed as this crazy week has been sapping some energy!)
8. home decently early
9. a few good hugs from friends
10. feeling joy in the holiday season - not generally my favorite time of year at all, but this year I'm learning about anticipation and excitement, instead of painful, dragging, waiting through Advent, and it's a lovely change.

Reverb 10: Day 15 - 5 Minutes

Yesterday's (December 15th) Reverb 10 prompt:

December 15 – 5 Minutes

Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010.

(Author: Patti Digh)

Okay, I'm taking this literally, after pausing for a few minutes to reflect on what I'd want to include, and I'm setting a timer for five minutes.  These are the things I want to remember:

• that this was the year my life changed completely
• the year I lost my car
• saying goodbye to L when she moved countries
• the year I started seeing a couple different natural health practioners in an attempt to balance things out and really get physically healthy after several rough years
• the year Tim got married, and the chance to be part of his wedding party
• the day I lost my job.  I'd like to forget the negative emotions that are still left, but not that day.  There were some moments of grace in that, and it was a day that is ultimately a blessing in the midst of a very, very ugly disguise
• reading Robert Benson and thinking about being duckless
• being forced into praying, and realizing that God was calling me to enter nursing as a profession
• the crazy summer of studying (I never want to repeat this, and if I forget it, I just might!)
• California, palm trees, disneyland, and the friendship that took me there
• making choices to pursue healing
• discovering the wealth of supportive friends around me when the bottom of my world dropped out
• the funnier aspects (and not the awful ones) of the drama of life at grandmas
• finding reasons to laugh in the really dark moments
• lots and lots of tears, but lots of hugs too

And that's it.  Not a bad list for five minutes.  A whole lot of things to remember.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 122

Today's Reverb 10 post will come sometime tomorrow or the next day.  Today I worked 9 hours, and then 5 more at a benefit concert, and I have to be back bright and early tomorrow and am opting for sleep instead of writing!

In the meantime, here's the brief version of today's daily 5:

1. Opening day at Toy Shoppe
2. The wonder of a huge donation of fabulous toys
3. helping to choose gifts for a baby to be born any day now (the mom was 5 days overdue, and shopping for her two older children as well as the baby)
4. Macdonalds for a fast supper
5. hugs from friends
6. The origin of "hi" - it's a contraction of hello, which is a contraction of the old English phrase "whole be thou" - such a lovely blessing to wish someone as you greet them.

Amidst Darkness

I so deeply appreciated this morning's advent devotional reading from Richard Rohr:

Our Christian wisdom is to name the darkness as darkness, and the Light as light, and to learn how to live and work in the Light so that the darkness does not overcome us.


If we have a pie-in-the-sky, everything-is-beautiful attitude, we are in fact going to be trapped by the darkness because we are not seeing clearly enough to separate the wheat from the chaff. Conversely, if we can only see the darkness and forget the more foundational Light, we will be destroyed by our own negativity and fanaticism, or we will naively think we are apart from the darkness.

Instead, we must wait and work with hope inside of the darkness—while never doubting the Light that God always is—and that we are too (Matthew 5:14). That is the narrow birth canal of God into the world—through the darkness and into an ever greater Light.

Adapted from Preparing for Christmas with Richard Rohr, pp. 23-24

Opening Day

An hour and a half from now, our first client is scheduled to arrive to "shop" for Christmas gifts for their children.

A month of preparation, and it seems a bit crazy to recognize that this day is actually here.

I fully expect the day to be full of joyful chaos.  And I'm planning to soak it in.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 121

Today's Daily 5:

1. Watching the season finale of The Amazing Race (and having my favorite team win!)
2. That the word of God truly is living and active
3. the security and rhythm of catching the bus at the same time each day
4. anticipation of coming days and forthcoming plans
5. learning how to make pretty snowflakes for the first time ever
6. being ready to go for tomorrow's shop opening at work
7. the Christmas lights on Stephen Avenue
8. Subway for supper
9. Zoolights with a friend
10. Caramel apple spice from starbucks
11. crawling into my pajamas early

Reverb 10: Day 14 - Appreciate

Today's Reverb 10 prompt:

December 14 – Appreciate

What’s the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?

(Author: Victoria Klein)


Naming one thing I appreciate most is a challenging prospect for someone who makes a daily practice of listing the things from that day that caused gratitude within me.

But, if I'm choosing, I think I'd say that the one thing I appreciate most from this year is finding myself surrounded by supportive friends from a wide variety of places, and in some really unexpected arenas of my life.

In the last several months in particular, I've discovered the depth of supportive friendships that I have, and have been so grateful for the way my friends have come around me this year where my life has fallen apart.  They've taught me and are teaching me that I am deeply loved, and that is no small feat for someone who considered herself essentially worthless in the eyes of the world.

To those friends, gratitude comes in emails and cards, in gifts of time and returning a listening ear.  And in hugs.  I pay much gratitude out in the form of hugs!

Thinking About Friends

I'm thinking about friends this morning, some blogging buddies, and some "in real life" friends, and praying for them as I ride the bus.

About Ian, a blog acquaintance by chance, whose posts I always look forward to. He and his wife are walking some dark valleys in these days, and I find them often on my mind and in my prayers.

About Lois, who I still always want to refer to as Lovely, since that was the blog pseudonym she used when we first became online acquaintances. She is ending the year by counting joys and giving thanks, and I am loving her thanksgiving and joy lists.

About Jenny, a regular "anonymous" commenter here, who always signs her name.  I was praying for her this morning, too, for an Advent that is full and rich, and a Christmas season that is joyful.

About Karla Adolphe, my real life friend.  Karla and her husband Gary have been friends for a while, and I was delighted to get the news yesterday that Karla has teamed up with another musician (Aaron Strumpel) to record a new album.  You can see some footage of the two of them performing together live here.  And you can support and follow the progress of the new album here.  Karla's music has often been uniquely used by God in my life, and I'm always excited when there is more music forthcoming!
There are so many others on my mind and heart too.  And so I spent the bus trip this morning, with Karla's music playing quietly on my ipod, praying.  May God be near each of you and supply you with immense hope and joy in this day and this season!

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 120

Today's Daily 5:

1. Waking smoothly (no bad dreams for a change)
2. Wearing my favorite white blouse
3. Colossians 2 in The Message
4. 1 year, 120 days of making these lists
5. mentally planning the christmas cards I'm going to make at some point this week
6. a natural health treatment
7. marking a few things off my list for the day/week
8. drinking tea from the mug I hand-painted on an excursion to a paint your own pottery shop with a friend a few weeks ago
9. curling up in a warm bed
10. that when a breaker flipped in my bedroom tonight, it was still early and I could find help to flip it back, since that was a new problem!

Reverb 10: Day 13 - Action (What's Next?)

Today's Reverb 10 prompt:

December 13 – Action

When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step?

(Author: Scott Belsky)


What's next? If that isn't a loaded question in my life these days, I don't know what is.

The answer is, I mostly still don't know.

I know that I will be a nursing student at some point in the future. What I don't know is if that will be in 4 weeks, or more like 9 months. (Wait lists are a somewhat nerve racking thing, and in this case we're praying for a miracle spot in the program to open up sometime before January 6th or so.)

I know with some degree of certainty that whether or not I'm accepted into the nursing program, I will be enrolled in classes at the local university come January. I know that I will either be in the nursing program, or that I will be taking 2-3 as yet undetermined classes to pull up my GPA and make the next application to the nursing program a smoother process.

I know that my living situation needs to change, but I also know that my living situation is contingent upon my job and income situation, which is contingent upon finding out what exactly my school situation will be come January!

Clear as mud, right?

The short answer to "what's next?" is "I don't really know."

And so I continue to wait and watch and pray. Some days more patiently than others!

Full Days Ahead

I'm thinking this week is going to be a little bit wild.

The Toy Shoppe program that I'm working for actually opens this week, and there are a whole lot of last minute details to take care of before that happens.

I've booked several evenings as well, with social events or health appointments, and am anticipating a few longer days of work than usual as we get things underway.

The days promise to be full!

That said, I'm anticipating them eagerly, knowing that they will carry surprises, and most likely joy.

See you tonight for the daily 5 and reverb 10 posts!

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 119

Today's Daily 5:

1. solving a pesky little blog design problem that had been bugging me for months
2. friends who pray
3. breakfast in bed
4. piles and piles of heavy blankets to curl up under
5. the soapy clean smell of my skin after a shower
6. finishing several nagging tasks all in one morning
7. accomplishing an errand (low priority but necessary) that had been on my to do list for several weeks
8. a relatively decent family gathering this afternoon
9. dad's hashbrowns - a dish that normally only makes a once annual appearance on Christmas morning, but appeared by special request for the extended family brunch today.
10. a great skype call with a dear friend
11. watching Sister Act II - such a childhood comfort movie - I can still quote most of the dialogue right along with the characters.
12. making paper snowflakes for the first time in years, just for the fun of seeing what I could come up with
13. crawling into bed under freshly washed, sweet smelling sheets
14. eating leftover Vietnamese food for supper
15. moments of laughter (even, and perhaps especially when some of the humor is dark)

Reverb 10: Day 12 - Body Integration?

Today's Reverb 10 prompt:

December 12 – Body Integration

This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?

(Author: Patrick Reynolds)

Ugh.  I've struggled to answer some of the other prompts here, but I've always had a sense of where I was going when I sat down and started writing.  Usually it's been a gut instinct, first thing that comes to mind sort of response.

But this prompt?  I've got nothing.

I don't know that I really ever think of myself as being mind and body.  I think a lot of the time I'm not highly aware of my body at all, unless it happens to be malfunctioning.

I think the moment this year when I was most aware of my body was in the days immediately following my January car accident.  I was dumb enough to show up at the office the day after the accident.  That plan only lasted about half a day before I went home, napped, and landed in a walk-in clinic to make sure that since everything hurt, nothing was seriously injured.  I was relieved when the doctor told me to take the remainder of the week off of work, but didn't believe it would be possible when he told me that all I should do the following day was sleep.  It was all I did.

But I don't think of my mind and body as things that aren't integrated.  Maybe I'm just different from most people?  Do you all feel separate from your body a lot?  It usually takes trauma for me to feel that way, as if I'm living in one place and time internally, and a wholly different place and time physically.

I do, however, have moments of clarity, when I feel fully present - moments when it seems like time stops and colors brighten and I take in everything in a different sort of way.  There were some of those this year.  Moments like watching my baby brother's face as he spoke his wedding vows to the woman he loved.  The moment I lost my job was like that - burned into my consciousness.  The moment I first read Robert Benson's line about ducks in a row and thought to myself "I don't even have ducks."

If those are the moments when body and mind are integrated, well, then, I've listed a few for you.

But I still maintain that I don't feel as if my body and mind are separate most of the time, and integration of the two is rare.  I'd say that it is the lack of unity between the two that is the far more unique occurrence in my life.

A Few Changes

In an effort to streamline the loading of my blog, and collect a few things into one place, I made some little changes this morning.

I moved the reading list from my sidebar to it's own page, linked still in the left sidebar.  There you will find not only the most current list, but also the other reading lists I've collected here, dating back to 2007.

I also added a page where each month I'll link to a post with the top ten most read posts from the previous month.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 118

It's kind of a list-heavy day around here, huh?  I honestly didn't realize this morning when I wrote out my list of plans for the day that tonight's reverb10 post would also be a list, and that I'd then be topping it up with a daily 5 list!  Ah well, some days are just like that, I guess, and I have often professed my love for lists, so this is just going to have to be the sort of day where I really and truly prove that love!

Today's Daily 5:

1. Google reader - seriously, how did I not discover this before September?  It's revolutionized my blog reading, and I love it!
2. sleeping in
3. dreams that don't terrify
4. cleaning up my email inbox while lazing in bed
5. making lists (seriously, added this to the daily 5 list I keep in my phone, early this morning, when I was making my list for the day, long before I knew that all three posts on the blog today would be lists!)
6. A funny quote from Thursday's episode of The Big Bang Theory, "The only alternative [to forward thinking] is thinking backwards, and that's just remembering!"
7. wearing slippers
8. eating a Christmas orange.  I'm actually allergic to oranges, but it's a mild allergy that doesn't make me stop breathing or anything like that, so I cheat on it every once in a while, mainly at Christmas, when there are mandarins everywhere, tempting my self-control.  That makes the few I eat an incredible treat!
9. A really good turkey and swiss with cranberry mayo pannini for lunch
10. homemade christmas baking
11. A good appointment this afternoon
12. a bus route where the bus runs more than once or twice an hour
13. Spotting Christmas light designs on the skyscrapers downtown
14. reading a novel
15. coconut scented bubble bath from The Body Shop

Reverb 10: Day 11 - 11 Things I Can Live Without

Today's Reverb 10 Prompt:

December 11 – 11 Things

What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?

(Author: Sam Davidson)

I feel like this prompt requires me to mentally change directions in a way the others thus far have not.  Suddenly I'm thinking about 2011, instead of looking back at 2010.  I'm not sure I'm ready to set aside the processing of this year yet, even for only one evening, but, on the other hand, looking forwards and anticipating new things is probably important too.  I'm not sure I'll make it to 11 things that I can live without, quite honestly, but I'll give it a shot.

1. Fear.  I actually think this could be items one through six or seven at least, since fear has been and continues at times to be an all encompassing and paralyzing force in my life.  However, I'm recognizing that I'm making decisions differently these days.  That I'm more able to recognize the voice of fear, and choose to ignore it's warbling, disconcerting advice.  That that is carrying with it an ability to sit more comfortably in my own skin.  To continue journeying to a place of living without fear, will take decision after decision.  It will take building a history of listening to God and the wisdom of those I trust most.  It will take the continued growth of my ability to trust myself.  And it will take a willingness to risk, even if I may fail, or be hurt.
2. A transient lifestyle.  Packing up every weekend to escape the craziness of Grandma's world is a temporary solution that has been immensely helpful, but I'll be more than happy to see it go.  Showering in a different house than the one I sleep in most nights of the week seems a bit wild.  Eating in a whole variety of spots, and buying groceries to accommodate simple, unrefrigerated snack meals needs to go.  The solution to this will hopefully come once a few final details play out in the coming several weeks.  Once schooling issues are solved, employment issues can also be resolved.  And once employment issues are resolved, budgeting can happen in earnest and apartment hunting that suits my needs and that budget can commence.  
3. Over-consumption.  I am continually challenged these days by the idea of simplicity.  By the idea that the clothes I wear only once or twice a year don't need to be in my closet.  By the idea that excess tends to add complications, not happiness.  By the idea of not wanting to waste.  And by how completely inconsistent I am at sticking to all of these principles that are growing within me.  I want to buy groceries once a week, or once every few days, and only buy what I'll be able to eat.  I want to do a better job of purging and simplifying.  I want to recycle even more consistently.  I want to only spend money on things or experiences that I'll really love, that will add value to my life.  And I want to consider things like whether or not my food is organic, and where my clothes and other purchases are made.  Who and what do they benefit? Who and what do they harm?
4. Self-Doubt.  No more believing that I am worthless and unloved or unloveable.  Yes, it's a lesson that began in earnest this year, but it's one that needs to carry on into 2011, and really, every year that follows.
5. People Pleasing.  No more doing things in an attempt to garner affection and love from others.  It's not worth it.  It's a habit well ingrained from years of being a pastor's kid, and it's one that can go. 
6. Bad haircuts.  This list needed some levity, don't you think?  In all seriousness, though, I have a great hair stylist, who I love, and who always makes my hair look fabulous, but I've "cheated" on her this year with a few other stylists, hoping to find someone equally fabulous at a lower price.  Didn't work.  2011 can hold some penny pinching and trips to the stylist who does the best!
7. Things that Cause a Loss of Independence.  2010 saw the loss of a car, an apartment, and a job.  Not sure I can control this one, but it would sure be nice if 2011 let me live a little more freely!
8. Bad dental hygiene.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm not disgusting or anything, but I have really sensitive teeth, and because of that I definitely do the minimum necessary to protect them.  Flossing hurts, and brushing my teeth is something I've hated ever since I was a kid.  Peer pressure as an adult, and concern for appearances definitely keeps me on the straight and narrow when it comes to carrying for my pearly whites, but I could and should do more.
9. Talking myself into something I know I hate.  The only exception to this is when it's the only chance I'm going to get to be with someone I love - then a little self-sacrifice is the name of the game.  That or when it really will mean a lot to someone I care about - again, a little self-sacrifice never hurt anyone, and I'm always thankful when others do the same for me.  But, I'm taking a lesson from reading Gretchen Rubin's The Happiness Project this year, and giving myself permission to not enjoy certain things, and not force myself to do them just because others around me love them.
10. Getting really stressed out over things I can't control.  Sounds pretty self explanatory, no?  I'm actually getting better at this.  That is one of the benefits of the whole year of crazy that 2010 has thrown my way.  I'm recovering from the big "bumps in the road" that are beyond my control quite a bit more quickly these days, and I hope that those coping skills continue to grow and go with me into the rest of my life.
11. Crazy drama that I can't control.  Next year I plan to be fully in control of any and all drama that happens in my life!  No, actually, this isn't really one that I can do a whole lot about, but it is a wish for 2011, following 2010, that comes with much bemused chuckling and a grateful heart.  I've learned a lot from all the drama and curve balls and bends in the road in 2010, and they've hugely shaped me, but if the drama slowed down a bit, or came to a halt for a while, I'd be oh so grateful for that too!

Well, look at that, I made it all the way to eleven!  And, actually, I had a great deal of fun sitting here and pondering what things are the ones that are important to me.  What are the things I'd like to change or do differently, or continue to see differently as a new year rolls around?

As a general rule in life, I've always hated journaling prompts.  Always hated them.  But I have to say that I'm loving the exercise of working through these reverb 10 prompts this year.  It's a fabulous way to really stop and take stock as they new year begins.  I'm so glad I stumbled across them and decided on a whim to sign up!