Mourning and Thankful

I was doing pretty well with the whole New Year's Eve thing until I chatted briefly with a dear friend on the other side of the country.  Then, the tears flowed for a while.

I find it hard not to mourn the relationships that have so changed, or been so broken.

I wrestle with the appropriate way to grieve those changes without being caught permanently in the brokenness of the moments.

So, I cried, and then I got up, and showered, and straightened my hair (not an easy task, or one I'm particularly good at yet.)

In a little while I'll head over to my parent's home for the evening.  I'll spend some time with them and their friends, and I'll likely be home early (for new year's anyway.)

I'll take the baking that I haven't yet managed to give away, and see if I can get more of it enjoyed by others.

And I'll remember the many blessings of the year, even while mourning the broken moments.

I'll be back later with a daily 5 - maybe before midnight, or maybe not.

Happy New Year.

A Few New Year's Thoughts

I think, after the busy day I had yesterday, today is probably going to be a mostly "at home" day.  (Though I think I'm going to make a quick trip to a local scrapbooking store to see if anything catches my eye and inspires me to create a bit.)

I need to do some cleaning, and some reading, and some resting.

I was reading facebook statuses this morning, and people are so excited for the new year and the new decade.

I suppose I am excited, and tomorrow, when it's actually here, I likely will be excited, given that I do have that often professed love for newness and new beginnings.

But New Year's Eve is one of my least favorite holidays of the year.  Actually, it's probably absolutely the least favorite.  I like it even less than Valentines Day!

I think it's because, of all the "holidays" in a year, New Year's Eve is the one that seems to be the most about being with friends, or with a significant other.  I think it's also a holiday where it definitely helps to be a bit extroverted, and to love a party.

It's New Year's Eve that I probably most feel the change of relationships in my life over the last couple of years - the loss of some valuable friendships, and the changes in others.  That I feel the most isolated and alone.  It's probably the night that I feel the most out of step with the people around me, too, preferring by personality a quiet evening shared with perhaps a few close friends, or watching a movie, over a boistrous party and games.

Last year was a particularly challenging New Year's Eve.  I think I spent a very large portion of it in tears, wrestling within me over brokenness, before quietly forming a communion of my own and heading for bed long before the midnight change of years.

I've been invited to join my parents and some of their friends tonight.  And I probably will for a while anyway - for some food and some laughter.  But if I was guessing, I'd say that I'll still be home long before midnight, and, that if I'm up at midnight, I will be quietly welcoming a new decade with prayer and possibly tears.

Don't get me wrong - I'm looking forward to the newness.  Dreaming about what the year to come may hold.  But today I'm also feeling a bit the melancholy of things that have ended, and it's a funny balance within my heart.

So with that, I'm off to take in at least part of the day.  See you later!

Daily 5 - Day 140

Today's Daily 5:

1. A really productive day
2. Discovering that I have good credit and being granted the line of credit I was hoping for
3. A really helpful, polite guy at the bank
4. Take out Chinese food
5. time with family
   

A Very Good Meeting

I had a very good meeting at the bank this afternoon.

Actually, I've had a very productive day all around.  I went to the bottle depot and returned the empties I'd collected from work and home and emerged about $9 richer.  I did the recycling.  I grocery shopped.  I bought supplies for George, and filled George's gas tank.  I bought hair styling product to help straighten my hair.  I updated my budget - twice.  I paid a bunch of bills.  I made jello, and bought Chinese take-out for lunch.  I put some important letters in the mail.  I got my daytimer/calendar for 2010 in useable, working order.  And I had the meeting at the bank.

Turns out that in spite of a decent amount of debt - the credit card debt I mentioned this morning, and government student loans, I have very good credit.  So good, in fact that the line of credit I applied for was immediately approved.  Apparently, according to the guy I met with, that's very rare.  And I have a credit score that's one of the highest he's seen.  Sweet! 

I was so thankful for the guy I met with.  While I appreciated the lady I met with at the beginning of the month to open my new accounts at this bank, she was a little bit demeaning in her manor, and not very patient with my infinite number of questions in an attempt to make sure I understood exactly what was happening with MY finances.  (I personally think it's fairly reasonable that I would want to understand that!)  The guy today was totally not like that.  He answered all of my questions quite patiently, showed me what I needed to see, and went above and beyond as far as I was concerned.  He was personable, and amiable, and generally didn't make me feel at all like I was stupid or an inconvenience for having questions.

So, in a couple of days, once a payment I made this morning (pre-line of credit) goes through on my credit card, and I have an exact balance, I'll be credit debt free!  Or at least credit card balance free.  Since I'll still owe the money and everything.  But hey, the line of credit is less than half of the interest rate I was paying on my credit cards, so that should be absolutely fantastic in terms of helping with my goal to get rid of all of that debt as soon as possible.  And for that, I'm also so incredibly grateful.

It's been a good day - the kind I'm always thankful for.  And I'm especially grateful that I have had this week off of work to catch up on these myriad of other tasks that would have eaten whole portions of much needed evenings and weekends otherwise.  It's nice to be able to accomplish all of these little things, but to do them at a pace that doesn't leave me feeling frantic or exhausted at the end of the day.

Congested with a Chance of Snow

I suppose it was inevitable.  At work, everyone was sick.  At Christmas, at least three or four relatives had ugly head colds, including two immediate family members.  And now, I seem to have caught it as well.

Thankfully, at the moment, it seems to be restraining itself to the mild annoyance sort of head cold, and I'm praying that it will limit itself to this, and not feel the need to really go for broke and make me feel sick and miserable for my last several days off.  To that end I've beefed up my already extensive vitamin routine, and, like I said, I'm hoping and praying for the best.

In other news, it's snowing.  Because the feet of the white stuff we've already had this winter wasn't enough.  Should make doing errands for a large portion of this day good fun.

My paycheque (after a bit of worrying and trepidation) actually made it via direct deposit into my new bank account overnight.  Which means that today I can do things I've been putting off, to make sure there remained enough money in my bank account to cover rent, just in case.  Things like buying a few groceries, getting a few supplies for maintaining George, and other super exciting moments.  Groceries, recycling, an auto parts shop, the bottle depot - all of these are definitely favorite locations of mine.

Oh, and the bank.  I have a meeting at the bank today, to inquire about loans or lines of credit.  Because, you see, after returning a few years back from my trip to Malta, I sort of relied on my credit cards to live for a while, until paycheques started coming regularly again.  And the credit card debt sort of spooled from there a bit, and now I'm paying huge interest as I budget and try to pay that debt off.  So I have a meeting at the bank today to see if I can get a line of credit or a loan, to reduce the interest percentage I'm paying, and hopefully get out of debt quite a bit faster.  Sweet.  Here's hoping it's someone personable that I meet with, and not someone who treats me a little bit like a fool for having credit debt in the first place, or for not being some incredibly financially savvy individual.  Because I've met a few of those types of people as I've been navigating some of these banking changes, and there's nothing quite as frustrating as being demeaned by a person you're sort of dependent on for service.

And after all those things, I'll be home again, tackling more items on the list for the week, and updating my budget.  I think I may have been a bit overzealous in my list making, so I'm trying to pick out the things that I really think are priorities.  The rest can be relegated to evenings and weekends in the coming month.  Especially since some of them are just things that I want to accomplish before the quite likely reality of moving again at the end of February.  Things like going through clothing and belongings and paring down a bit again.  And sorting through some grocery and snack food items that have sort of collected, so that they can be eaten before more are purchased.

And with that, I'm going to venture up and out and start doing things like online banking, and errands.  Or maybe I'll just start by crawling out of bed, where I've been sitting and eating my breakfast while writing this post.  Clothes instead of pajamas would be good - they'll probably help my chances of not being treated demeaningly at the bank later.  And brushing my hair, that'll also probably help.  And then I'll start doing things like online banking and budget updates and errands.

Daily 5 - Day 139

Today's Daily "5":

1. My cheques finally arriving in the mail.  Since they were supposed to be here well over a week ago, and I was needing to write some first of January cheques for a few people (including my rent!) I was getting a little nervous and scheming about backup plans.
2. Straightening my hair on my own for the first time - not stellar results, but not bad either.
3. Lunch and shopping with a friend from high school
4. new sweater - suitable for work or casual wear
5. instructions from dad on what little items I need to purchase before he shows me a few things about maintaining George later this week
6. watching a movie while I worked on a bunch of stuff tonight
7. finally being able to write postdated rent cheques to our landlords and leave them for pick up - so nice to have that item off of my list
8. really enjoying having the house to myself this week that I'm off while L. is out of town
9. laughing at little ironies
10. thankful that the cold I've caught (quite a few people were sick at Christmas) has for the moment stayed in the mild annoyance range, instead of becoming a problem.
    

Not a Bad Way to Spend an Evening

I'm spending the evening doing exciting things like writing post-dated cheques, updating my budget, addressing an insurance claim, and various and sundry other little necessities that have stacked up.

I spent 25 minutes on the phone with the phone company, working to get a bill adjusted.  (They were going to charge me an extra $200 as a non-return fee for something I mailed back to them in October, and still had a copy of the tracking number and bill of lading as proof.)

I'm sore today - clearly my massage therapist did a good job on the muscles in my neck, shoulders and back yesterday.  They're still much looser, but they hurt like I've been through a long workout.

So I'm sitting here, working on a long list of little things that I want to accomplish this week while I'm off work, and watching a movie all at the same time.

It's not a bad way to spend an evening really.

Light and Darkness

I really appreciated this post that Allie Dearest wrote this morning.

Particularly this first bit:  "I notice that people who grew up in the light, so to speak, like to play around with darkness a whole lot more than people who've lived in it."

Makes me think about so many people I know.  And about choices I've made too.  Stirs the heart to confession and prayer.

Blue Ideas

First, let me just say that this is a fairly accurate description of how I think.  And secondly, I love the color blue.  I love lots of colors, but I once had a blue bedroom.  And it was my favorite bedroom ever.  I loved the color - it was so comforting to me.  It's now my dad's office, and I live in an apartment, but I still like the color blue.

Your Ideas Are Blue

When you think, you tend to have very detailed, well thought out ideas. You take your time with your thoughts. You are a deep thinker who likes to explore every possibility. Your ideas tend to be very innovative and perceptive. It's amazing what your mind can come up with. Your mind is energetic and alert. You are "always on" and thinking of new things. It's hard for you to relax.

What Color Ideas Do You Have?

Blogthings: We Have a Quiz for Almost Everything

Daily 5 - Day 138

Today's Daily "5":

1. Sleeping late, and having a slow, lazy morning
2. picking out a hair straightener (I apparently got rid of my old one the last time we moved, and needed one now that my hair is shorter again) that didn't seem to be on sale and getting to the cashier and discovering it was on sale for a very good price.
3. massage appointment
4. bumping into T. at the library (we were at the same branch, independently, and I just happened to run into him there), and chatting for a few minutes
5. coming home from the library with some interesting potential reads
6. manicure/pedicure - probably won't return to this particular nail salon, but enjoyed soaking my feet, and having someone else pamper me a bit.
7. bacon and peas pasta dish for dinner
8. my own home-made jam drop cookies
9. chatting with a dear friend for a while tonight
10. making some progress on my "to do" list for the week, and feeling good about what I've accomplished today.
    

A Few Quick Links

I have a few links to share with you.

I liked this blog post that someone linked to on Facebook this morning.  Particularly the quote in the middle of the post from the rabbi, but the bulk of the post as well.

I was also flipping through a few of my blog archives this morning, and came across a link to this cartoon at Naked Pastor.  I chuckled as I remembered what I was going through when I first saw it, and how relevant it was then, and I chuckled again as I recognized the new moments and situations and how it continues to be rather relevant now.

Monday Morning, Year End Musings

On mornings like this, when I am not working, and have stayed up later than normal, I'm grateful that my bedroom window faces south, and looks out onto the apartment building next door.  When I woke this morning, around 8:30 or 9:00 or so, my bedroom was still dimly lit, and conducive to sleep.  Under my door, from the hallway I could see bright light.  This is a sunbeam, from my roommate's east facing bedroom window.  Her bedroom may be larger, but mine stays nice and dark.

Incidentally, I wish my days ran on a different schedule.  My body seems to thrive on slow mornings, and later nights like I've been having because of the holidays.  This is clearly not an option when I need to rise early in the morning to be at work on time, and I regret that.  Some of my most clear thinking and productive hours seem to come in the time after I already need to be in bed when I have to work the next day.

As it is, at the moment I'm still in my pajamas, sitting in bed, eating a banana for breakfast and planning out my day.  I made a call to confirm a massage appointment for later this afternoon (gotta use up that insurance coverage before the end of the year!), and I'm contemplating spoiling myself just a little by going for a manicure sometime today or tomorrow as well.  I need to do some cleaning around our house, but other than that, the day is looking pretty low key.

I got my new calendar/day planner for 2010 a few weeks back, and I made myself save it for this week that I'm off.  I love going through a new calendar and filling in important dates.  Birthdays and anniversaries and other fun stuff.  I love staring at all of the blank dates and thinking of the wonderful possibilities to fill them.  I love dreaming about what might come.  Because the dreams, at least, don't cost anything.  Yes, my budget is tight, but that doesn't need to impede the dreaming.  And the dreaming is the truly fun part anyway - it's a bonus (an extra special one, I'll admit) when the dreams become some sort of reality.

I like looking forward.  I'm thinking about the things I'd like to do in the new year.  Not goals or resolutions persay, but things I'd like to try, or see or do.

So this week, while I putter around the house, and around the city, there's time reserved for dreaming.  For looking forward.  For waiting and hoping and praying.

I'm thinking about some friends down in Mexico this week.  They left on boxing day to make the drive down and spend some time building a house for a family who desperately needs one.  I don't know many on the team, just their leader.  A chaplain at the university I attended who managed to impact my life simply by caring about how I was doing on a day to day basis.  I still enjoy the occasional coffee with him, catching up on things.  He's been leading these teams for years - students from two local post-secondary institutions, Christian or not, and I have at least one friend who met Jesus simply because she was stunned to encounter him in this team of people she'd joined over the Christmas semester break to do something humanitarian.  I'm grateful for people like my chaplain friend, loving on students who really need it, and introducing them to Jesus gently with his life as much as with his words.

And with that, I'd better crawl out of bed and head into the day.  There are at least a few things I should really try to accomplish today, and this week, starting with a list of what needs to be accomplished today/this week!

Hope your day is fabulous!

Daily 5 - Day 137

Today's Daily "5":

1. Turkey Chili for lunch at mom and dad's
2. A blog redesign
3. Listening to the personalized mix cd that was part of J.'s Christmas gift to me while I worked on the blog this afternoon - loving the music on it!
4. Watching the movie "Bedtime Stories" with Mom and Dad tonight - I'm increasingly a fan of funny, creative, imagination inspiring kid's movies.
5. Thankful for a car that is still getting me from place to place safely
6. Incredibly thankful that I am still off of work for another week
7. Loving checking out photos of friends Christmases on blogs or facebook - especially a few friends who were celebrating the first Christmases for their new little ones
8. playing simple games on facebook
9. grateful for the healing in my relationship with my parents that is letting me truly enjoy all the time we've been spending together
10. sipping a cup of mango rooibos tea
    
11. 137 days of writing lists of things that make me smile... it's crazy to think I've been doing this that long!
    

New Look

Well, since the template I was using for my blog sort of self destructed and erased the pretty blue flowers that were in my header, and replaced them with a particularly ugly warning message, I figured it was probably time to switch things up again.

I'm liking the new look.  The template is called "echo history" which seems somehow appropriate for someone who is a history geek!  Plus, it reminded me of some of the fonder memories of my time in Europe, and stirred the longing to go back to Rome in particular, and I'm always grateful for those reminders and stirrings.

And, since in the process of changing the template, I had to rebuild my entire list of links, I've updated it and added several new links that weren't there before.  Check some of the blogs out - even the ones that haven't been updated recently have some really great content in their archives.

And now, having spent close to three hours fixing the blog, I'm off to find something to eat for supper.  I'm hungry!

And let's all pray that this template lasts a while, and doesn't require changes, because I'm not in any hurry to repeat that tedious project again anytime soon!

Quiet Sunday

I went to my parent's church this morning, and then accepted their invitation to join them for a turkey chilli lunch.  (Not, by the way, made from Christmas dinner leftovers, but from ground turkey.)

During and after lunch I engaged in the time honored tradition on Mom's side of the family (she's from Wisconsin) of watching the Green Bay Packers play football.  And the even more time honored tradition of falling asleep while you're supposed to be watching football.

If I'm going to watch professional sports, football is definitely my preference.  However, I've always said that football is also the best for falling asleep to.  Hockey commentators get too excited and yell a lot at the unexpected twists and turns of a hockey game, and make it harder to lull yourself into sleep!

This afternoon I have a little work to do on my blog, and then, well, who knows...

If the weather stays nice and I can recruit someone to tag along, I might go check out zoo lights tonight.  Or I might head back to mom and dad's and watch another movie.

But I'd imagine the day will stay pretty low key!

Daily 5 - Day 136

I almost forgot that I needed to still stop in here and write a daily 5 post.  Whoops!

So, here's today's list:

1. fresh clean sheets on my bed again
2. watching two movies with mom and dad at their house today
3. moments of laughter
4. cleaning up the kitchen a bit
5. beginning the process of restoring order to my chaotic bedroom after all of the Christmas creating.
   

Quick Question

Has the pretty floral header image on my blog disappeared on your computers?  It's disappeared on mine and been replaced with an obnoxious message, and I'm wondering if that's just mine, or all computers?

And, if you see the obnoxious message, is anyone out there savvy enough to fix the problem and get my header image back???

Low Key Christmas Day

I wrote yesterday afternoon that we were having a pretty low key afternoon, and that I'd looked up from my laptop and had to chuckle because most of my family was scattered around the living room, reading.  As my brother said, "It's quality family time if you're reading in the same room, isn't it?"

I took a couple photos of the readers, and am pleased to share!

Like I said, it was pretty low key!

Boxing Day

It's 9:30 a.m., and I am still sprawled in bed.

Unusual for me, but necessary, after two nights long past midnight in a row.  (Sleep issues mean I usually aim for bed by 10:30 at the latest, giving myself as long as possible to be horizontal and rest, knowing that I often struggle with sleep.)

It's kind of nice.

A few years back, my brothers and I would haul ourselves out of bed early in the morning, aiming to hit the sales at all of their favorite surf and skate shops.  (I was usually after a hoodie, or something I wouldn't normally buy in those shops where prices are higher.)  I asked them both yesterday if they would be shopping today.  One rolled his eyes and commented that he didn't want to be anywhere near places for shopping at this time of year.  The other commented that he was broke, but had promised to accompany a friend who wanted to shop, so he'd keep his word.  None of the three of us could convince ourselves that there was anything we needed badly enough to get out of bed and brave crazy lines and crowds in the cold.

So here's how my boxing day is going to look:

I'm going to lay in bed just a little bit longer.  And probably grab something to eat for breakfast.

Then I'm going to get up, do a load of laundry, and take a shower.

There is a stack of empty baking containers in my kitchen sink that need washing - remnants from the manic packaging of several weeks worth of baking into present form yesterday morning.

At some point I'll likely migrate to my parent's house, where the agenda will likely be either watching a movie, or one of the Plantet Earth dvds that my dad received as a Christmas gift.

Low key.

So good.

~~~

I'm thinking too, about the fact that the church recognizes the feast of St. Stephen today. 

I've always loved the story of Stephen, the first martyr.  It has moved me in ways I really can't explain.

I've loved, too, the introduction it offers to Paul - as the one standing there, offering his approval to this vicious killing, by holding the cloaks of those doing the stoning, so they wouldn't have to get dirty while engaging in such a dirty task.

So today, amidst my quietness, I'm thinking again about the cost of following... Not a bad thing to consider, I suppose, as I go about my quiet day.

Daily 5 - Day 135

Today's Daily 5:

1. Christmas with my family
2. Laughing with the extended family over the game "What?"
3. Great food
4. giving and receiving heartfelt presents
5. grateful for the "family" of my heart, scattered, and praying for them.
   

Merry Christmas

 I wrote last year about the fact that Christmas as an adult seems so different from Christmas as a child.  As a child, Christmas day was always filled with activity, long past the end of the unwrapping of presents.

A few minutes ago I took some hilarious photos that I'll have to upload later or tomorrow.  I'm sitting here with my laptop, catching up on emails, and sending emails to a few treasured friends who are really more like family, scattered around the country.  My dad, T. and my mom are all sitting around the living room with various books.  The tree lights are on, and there is Christmas music playing, but we're a pretty low key bunch today.  Things will liven up again with a few more gifts when J. returns with his girlfriend in tow (there were a few gifts for the two of them together, or for her that didn't get opened this morning with the rest of the presents.)

Quiet and reflective it is.  I actually think I like it better this way.  As my brother joked, "It's family time if we're all reading in the same room!"

Later we'll join the extended family for the big dinner, cooked by my aunt who's been a bit of a gourmet hostess for years, and her son, who is studying at a prestigious local cooking school and wanted to host all of us this year.  But, for the moment, we're just hanging out, having silent "family time".

Praying you all enjoy the beauty and peace and joy of Christmas today and through the coming weeks and year.  This is a season where hope comes in the tangible form of a baby, and that, perhaps, is my favorite truth of all.

Charlie Brown Christmas

I saw this on another blog this morning and really liked it. (I've actually never seen the classic Charlie Brown Christmas that everyone talks about... I'll have to rectify that.) Anyway, thought I'd share! Merry Christmas.

Immanuel

Just moments after midnight, and shortly after arriving home from the evening's family gathering, I lit the Christ candle.  I'd lit each of the other candles - hope, peace, love, and joy - just before midnight.

Immanuel.  God with us.

Merry Christmas.

Daily 5 - Day 134

Today's Daily "5":

1. Done work for almost 10 days.
2. Laughing while making bacon "thingys" with T.
3. Finally lighting the Christ candle on the advent wreath
4. the prayers of Walter Bruggemann
5. laughing with family
6. appetizer feast for dinner
7. playing a game that required some quick and humorous thinking with my family
8. a few quiet moments here and there
9. taking photos using dad's camera
10. small gift that my roommate left on the table for me before she left to catch a very early morning flight today.
    

Mid-Morning, Christmas Eve

The office is quiet this morning.  I think the phones have rung once in the two or so hours that we've been open.  I'm here until noon, and then headed to my parent's home until late this evening.

There are the requisite "bacon thingy's" (we're not sure what to call them) to make with my brother this afternoon for the Christmas Eve family appetizer feast (and for Christmas dinner appetizers tomorrow at my aunt's house.)  Basically you take whole water chestnuts, make an extremely thick paste of brown sugar and teriyaki sauce, soak the water chestnuts in the paste, wrap the water chestnuts in bacon, secure with toothpicks, and then bake until they're hot and the bacon is cooked.  My brothers would be quite distressed if these "once a year" treats I've been making for years now didn't appear.

Then dad's church is holding a short service, at my parent's house tonight (the church rents a school, not available on Christmas eve.)

And that will be followed by eating, laughing and talking with my family.  The five of us, plus the boys girlfriends, and maybe my grandma.  Christmas Eve is one of my favorite nights of the year for this reason - it's rare, these days especially that the five of us are in one place, and in a good mood.  It's fun to just laugh and talk and be together, sometimes playing games, sometimes just hanging out.

Tomorrow will be filled with a little bit more family time, and a lot of extended family time.  But tonight is the night I look forward to.

Advent draws to a close after today.

Late tonight I'll return home from my parents, with gift wrapping still to be done, and perhaps an ornament to be constructed for myself, but I'll pause and light the advent candles again, this time lighting the Christ candle in the centre.  Last year my Christ candle became a gift to some friends, a symbol of four weeks of prayers and longings.  This year I'm looking forward to it remaining on my dresser, ready to be lit in various moments through the year, moments of praying and remembering the longing for the coming of a Savior.  Imannuel - God with us.

A few years ago I found I could pray only single words.

Those words still hold deep meaning to me today. 

Hallelujah. (Glory to God.)
Immanuel. (God with us.)

Hallelujah.  Immanuel.  Hallelujah.

For Fun

This particular quiz is actually quite accurate in describing me in some ways.  And it made me smile.

You Are Christmas Eve

You are a patient person, and you would agree that anticipation is sometimes better than the main event. There's something magical about the night before Christmas - when it feels like anything could happen! You are a somewhat quiet and spiritual person. You need a lot of alone time to process what's going on around you. You are optimistic and idealistic. You can't help but feel like things are going to work out.

Are You Christmas Eve or Christmas Day?

Blogthings: Take a Quiz. Annoy Your Friends.

There is a time to be born, and it is now

This prayer, from "Awed to Heaven, Rooted in Earth" by Walter Bruggemann seems appropriate for today, the last day of Advent.

~~~

There is a time to be born and a time to die.
And this is a time to be born.
So we turn to you, God of our life,
God of all our years,
God of our beginning.
Our times are in your hands.
Hear us as we pray:
For those of us too much into obedience,
birth us to the freedom of the gospel.
For those of us too much into self-indulgence,
birth us to discipleship in your ministry.
For those of us too much into cynicism,
birth us to the innocence of the Christ child.
For those of us too much into cowardice,
birth us to the courage to stand before
principalities and powers.
For those of us too much into guild,
birth us into forgiveness worked in your generosity.
For those of us too much into despair,
birth us into the promises you make to your people.
For those of us too much into control,
birth us into the the vulnerability of the cross.
For those of us too much into victimization,
birth us into the power of Easter.
For those of us too much into fatigue,
birth us into the energy of Pentecost.
We dare pray that you will do for us and among us and through us
what is needful for newness.
Give us the power to be receptive,
to take the newness you give,
to move from womb warmth to real life.
We make this prayer not only for ourselves, but
for our school at the brink of birth,
for the church at the edge of life,
for our city waiting for newness,
for your whole creation, with which ye yearn
in eager longing.
There is a time to be born, and it is now.
We sense the pangs and groans of your newness.
Come here now in the name of Jesus. Amen.

Daily 5 - Day 133

Today's Daily "5":

1. Pumpkin cookies that I baked last night.  I forgot how good those things are.  May have to keep a few of those instead of giving them away.
2. A really quick, simple chicken recipe (with roasted green beans) for supper that was so tasty
3. An hour of laughing and chatting with my hairstylist while she made me hair look great again.  I love chatting with her.  Such random conversations, but always lots of laughing.
4. Only 1/2 day of work left until holidays :)
5. sticking to my budget, even in the face of an awesome sale tonight.
6. (Bonus tonight!) Walking next to the air ambulance helicopter when it landed on the nearby helipad.  Which would have been cool anyway, but was totally a crazy experience thanks to the feet of snow everywhere that the rotor blades kicked up.  Instant white-out conditions, and man did that snow sting as it pelted into my face at high speed.
   

Haircut!

Can I just say that I LOVE my hairdresser?  And that I love that I have good hair again right before Christmas.  (Though it'll never be this straight again until the next time I get it cut!)  Six months is definitely too long to go between cuts with my super thick wavy hair.  I've got to stop doing that!

Pausing

I'm pausing, just for a moment, to catch my breath.

We're on pace for a record number of credit card payments to be put through via the phone today.  Guess who gets to take those calls and record all the information?  Yah.  That would be me.

I was so looking forward to getting my hair cut tonight.  It's been about six months, and I'm desperately in need of some hair help.  I'm still looking forward to it, but my excitement is slightly dulled by the realization this morning that my hairdresser is located in a mall.  I have to go to a mall, and find parking, two days before Christmas.  Gross.

And, I have to resist temptation while doing it.  Because one of my favorite shops - where I buy all my skin care, hair care, and generally self-pampering products - is having a stupidly good sale.  Any 3 items in the store for $30.  Could be three $20/each items.  I could have them all for thirty bucks.  But my budget doesn't have room for this, and when they had this same sale about a month ago (unheard of by the way - clearly there is some recession selling going on), I stocked up on the items I regularly use.  So there's no real need to buy more.  Sigh.  Everything within me rebels at not taking advantage of the sale.

And now, after this brief pause for sanity, I must return to the busyness of the day.

4 hours to go (though one of them is my lunch!).

Then the train home, make dinner, and head out to find parking at the mall.

But after that comes an hour or so of pampering, and I'll walk out of there with really great hair.  That I'm definitely looking forward to.

And then maybe beginning to package up Christmas baking for wrapping and giving.

I'll be back later today, with a daily 5 list, and, if I have time, with a great prayer, fitting for this season, from Walter Bruggemann.  That'll come tomorrow if I don't get to it tonight.

Totally Superfluous

I'm going to be totally superflouous just for a few mintues, because my day is a little bit busy, and well, this is a quick thing to post, and it's sort of accurate to me, and made me chuckle a little.

You Are Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

You are a natural leader, though sometimes you are reluctant to step up to a leadership role. You see the world more clearly than most people, and often, you are the only one who can guide others. People may doubt your talents at first. You tend to be underrated and underappreciated. But once others see what you are truly capable of, they feel like fools for ever having doubted you.

What Christmas Character Are You?

The First Rule of Blogthings Is: You Don't Talk About Blogthings

Daily 5 - Day 132

Today's Daily "5":

1. Finally finishing all of the Christmas baking that I'm giving as gifts (pumpkin cookies and peanut butter bars tonight!).  Now just the packaging of all of it remains to be done.
2. Getting the Christmas cards that needed to be mailed to the US written and sent.  (Yes, they'll be late, oh well!)
3. Writing the Christmas cards that get mailed within Canada, and having them ready to be sent tomorrow.  (I love writing cards, just have to motivate myself to do it.  I take pleasure in finding words to tell friends that I'm thinking about them and love and miss them.)
   
4. Full day at work, but not a stressful one.
5. Subway for lunch - it was a nice break from the leftovers I've been eating for lunch most of the time
6. Enjoying the house to myself while I baked and puttered tonight.
7. a lit candle in my oil burner, making my bedroom smell lovely
8. Ephesians 3:14-21 NLT
9. listening to a sermon from Bethel Church in Redding, CA while I was baking
10. chicken fingers and french fries - comfort food - for supper after work.
    

Thoughts on Waiting

Two different blogs that I follow had posts on the theme of waiting today.

Both are worth a read.

You can find them at Lois's blog here.

And at Ian's blog here.

From Henri

It's been a while since I posted anything from Henri Nouwen, but I liked this thought that arrived today, and found it particularly appropriate as Advent is drawing to a close.

Light in the Darkness

We walk in a "ravine as dark as death" (Psalm 23:4), and still we have nothing to fear because God is at our side: God's staff and crook are there to soothe us (see Psalm 23:4). This is not just a consoling idea. It is an experience of the heart that we can trust.

Our lives are full of suffering, pain, disillusions, losses and grief, but they are also marked by visions of the coming of the Son of Man "like lightning striking in the east and flashing far into west" (Matthew 24:27). These moments in which we see clearly, hear loudly, and feel deeply that God is with us on the journey make us shine as a light into the darkness. Jesus says, "You are the light of the world. Your light must shine in people's sight, so that, seeing your good works, they may give praise to your Father in heaven" (Matthew 5:14-16).

Relatively Joyful

Not that I'm counting or anything, but I have 2.5 work days left until I'm off for about 10 days. And that is definitely contributing to a good mood this morning.

But mostly, I woke somewhat joyful. I like the mornings like that - when you wake with the sense that joy is somehow possible in the midst of that day, in the midst of the myriad of crazy circumstances that surround me.

And on it goes.

Another busy day at work.

I need to write and get in the mail (though they'll all be late now) several Christmas cards, some with little gifts tucked inside.

Tonight I'm baking pumpkin cookies, and cooking some sort of dinner for myself.

The week is full and busy, and I'm definitely counting down to time off. But today I feel somehow hopeful, and joyful amidst the longing anticipation of advent.

And for that I'm grateful.

Holding them close to his heart

Image via Wikipedia

Reading this long-time favorite verse in Isaiah 40 tonight, and comforted by it:

He will feed his flock like a shepherd. He will carry the lambs in his arms, holding them close to his heart. He will gently lead the mother sheep with their young. (Isa. 40: 11 NLT)

Carried close to his heart, and gently lead. So encouraging today.

Daily 5 - Day 131

Today's Daily 5

1. Making it through a long list of tasks at work, some of which were time sensitive, while still managing to answer phones for a large chunk of the morning and manage the front desk.
2. A small, very thoughtful Christmas gift from a friend received as we had lunch together today - an item I'd looked at a number of times, but never purchased.
3. Hearing her say that she'd bought them because they made her think of me. That was deeply encouraging because my relationship with this friend has been uncertain, and I've often felt like she didn't know or understand me well, but this gift was a very thoughtful indication that she does "see" me at least a little, and that was encouraging to me today.
4. One more baking task finished.
5. A grocery trip where everything was in stock (went by myself to a different store than usual)
6. finished making a small gift for another friend
7. curled up in bed playing a game on my laptop
8. emails that are completely caught up at the moment
9. knowing that I'm getting very close to ten days or so in a row off of work
10. the joy of making gifts and anticipating giving them
    

Shortest Day of the Year

It's officially the shortest day of the year here in the Northern hemisphere.

Very few hours of daylight, but lots to do.

Our receptionist is off this morning, and the phones are ringing off the hook.

I have several Christmas projects left to accomplish, and increasingly little time to do them in.

And tonight I need to grocery shop. Because there is a specific appetizer that I make every year for the family Christmas Eve appetizer extravaganza, and my brothers will be rather upset if they don't appear. (T. did offer to help me make them on the afternoon of the 24th.)

Near as I can tell there are three baking recipes left to be accomplished. And a bunch of Christmas cards to write. Large baking gifts to be assembled. An ornament to be made, and a gift to assemble. And those are just the Christmas related items.

The list for work, just for the day, is equally long.

So, I'd better start working on it!

This shortest day officially means we're moving towards spring! The days get longer from here (though maybe not warmer for a while yet!)

Daily 5 - Day 130

Today's Daily "5"

1. Visiting the gorillas early this morning, and watching as they ate and played
2. watching the hippos eat breakfast and then sort of waddle and ease themselves back into their pool. So funny.
3. Enjoying T's girlfriend leading worship at church this morning.
4. Enjoying the choir from the church, with T conducting, both at church and at a nursing home this afternoon
5. One more baking job finished. Only two or three to go, and then packaging all the goodies up.
6. time with family today
7. finding time to journal and somewhat release the dream that I woke from this morning
8. lighting the 4th advent candle, and pondering love and friendships all day.
9. an encouraging note about my weekly photos on facebook of my advent wreath from someone I've known most of my life
10. being genuinely greeted by a number of people at church this morning. it's not always the case at that church - that I am able to relax and and not feel pressure to perform, but today it was nice to be welcomed by a few people.
    

Fourth Advent: Love

Four Advent Candles have now been lit in the wreath that sits on my dresser. Only the Christ candle remains unlit, waiting for the coming of Immanuel.

The fourth candle is love.

Over the last four Sundays I've lit candles for hope, peace, joy, and now tonight, love.

The timing as usual is profound.

I've spent much of the day pondering again how much love requires. The giving up of rights. The surrendering. I didn't know that tonight's candle was love, that I would come home, and finish up the baking for the day, and light a candle symbolizing love. I just spent my day thinking about some of those things, because they were what was on my mind.

Funny how God does that.

So four candles burn on my dresser wreath, and I am waiting.

I am waiting for Christ, the true embodiment of love to come. For in his love are the hope and peace and joy that I've already lit candles, waiting in expectation for each of their fulfillment as well.

I am waiting, come, Lord Jesus, come.

Later Sunday

I woke this morning, as I mentioned from a dream. The dream was shaking and painful, so I did the only thing I could, rose and began the day.

Hours later, I'm glad that that is the approach I took.

I sorted vitamins for the coming week (a regular Sunday morning task).

And then I headed out.

First stop was the zoo. I arrived earlier than I usually do, and the animals were quite active, some still being fed. I watched the gorillas eat and play, and stopped in fascination as the hippos ate breakfast (kind of like watching an enormous chomping vacuum cleaner) and then eased themselves back into the water.

Then I went to church. I've been trying to hear my brother sing Christmas music for several weeks, and weather has always gotten in the way. (One evening we spent three hours trying to make our way across the city to hear them sing and just never made it. Another event was cancelled because it was to be held outdoors and the temperatures were frigid that day.) This morning he was conducting the church choir he's formed, and I decided to go hear them sing. I used the sermon time to journal just a little (as I listened) about the dream I'd had.

In the afternoon, the church choir was singing at a nearby nursing home, and my mom and I went to hear this longer performance.

I then borrowed mom's much more spacious kitchen to roll out some cookie dough I'd pre-made and brought with me, and to bake the cookies.

And now I'm home, having just finished a comfort food dinner (tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich) and I'm planning to assemble sandwich cookies for a while, and then simply rest.

The animals at the zoo soothed my jangled spirits. The worship at church spoke a bit of peace to my hurting soul. The joy in the elderly people's faces as they enjoyed the choir renewed just a little bit of hope.

The losses have been great, but there have been gains as well.

And for that, I'm grateful.

Just, "Will you hold me?"

I wrote a post earlier this week thinking about unity and friendship.

I'm thinking about that again this morning. I've been thinking about it in one way or another for most of this week that has passed.

In that earlier post I shared a line I penned as a part of a poem in the summer of 2008. A line that has stayed with me ever since. "...no John 17 goodness left in me..."

I woke this morning from a painful dream.

It's been a little while, a week or so maybe, since I've had a dream of this intensity.

And this one hurt.

Full of friendships that have changed. And full of goodbyes.

And I find myself thinking again of that poem I penned two summers back, and of two of the stanzas that surround that line that has so haunted me.

Stanzas that read:

goodbye
hard words to say
not the cry for unity
that I'd desired
no John 17 goodness
left in me

just Abba, Father,
my heart hurts
"Would you hold me?"
(copyright 2008)

That's how I feel this morning. That prayer, "Abba, Father, my heart hurts, would you hold me?"

Really hold me. In the way you have in the past, and the way I know you will again in the future.

I don't know how this will all play out.

I know these thoughts hurt more at this time of year. At this time of year when you celebrate family and friendships.

I've in many ways lost some of both in the last few years.

Not the cry of unity my heart desired. Not the cry of unity my heart desires.

Just the remnants of a dream this morning, and a prayer that requires some trust. "Abba, Father, I hurt, come and hold me."

Daily 5 - Day 129

Today's Daily 5:

1. Finding what I needed at Michaels this morning after a bit of hunting.
2. George (after being sort of temperamental last night) worked well today.
3. No longer between banks. Down to just one. Old accounts closed. New one working.
4. Watching Julie and Julia while I puttered around the house this afternoon.
5. Filing done, though bedroom not quite cleaned up yet.
6. Making peanut butter puffed wheat - part of the Christmas "to be gifted" selection
7. Laughing with family tonight at the joint party for Mom and T's birthdays today and tomorrow
8. Good food - family dinners almost always have those
9. Thankful for a warm apartment, and no huge heating bills.
10. Thankful for a very productive day, that was still restful and quiet.
    

Saturday List

If you'll indulge me for a few minutes, it's early, I'm needing to clear the fog in my head, I love lists, and I'm going to make my list for the day here, since the laptop is handy, and a pad of paper and a pen aren't at the moment.

Today I need (and/or want) to:

• Go to Michaels. Return an item I bought earlier in the week that won't work for the Christmas gift I have in mind. Buy an item that will work.
• Go to old bank. Close out accounts. Get a bank draft for these amounts. Make sure that I can still have access to online banking for credit card that is still at this bank.
• Go to new bank. Deposit bank draft into new account. Hope and pray that the information I was given was accurate, and they will not put a hold on a bank draft, or I'm in big trouble. Deposit change rolls that have been collecting in my change jar (I think almost $20 now!). Deposit work reimbursement cheque. Withdraw cash for birthday gift for T. who turns 22 today. Book appointment for during time off to meet with someone about loan to reduce interest payments on debt - hopefully by half. Also to discuss a tax free savings account.
• Go to office supply shop - check price of a small legal size filing box. Buy one if it isn't too expensive.
• Go to Husky. Feed George. He could use the nourishment. He's been temperamental lately. (pray that he takes me to all these other places safely.)
  
• Home again, home again, jiggetty jig.
• Make peanut butter puffed wheat squares, and maybe another one of the sugar cookie recipes. If going to make one of the rolled out recipes, add a stop at mom's to borrow a rolling pin to the earlier list.
• Make Christmas gift mentioned in item one.
• Work on "Certificates" to be part of another Christmas gift.
• Write several Christmas cards for mailing in the next few days.
  
• Wrap birthday gift for mom (her birthday tomorrow) and write card.
• Put $$ for T. in birthday card. write card.
• Remember to rest and treat myself gently. Maybe do this by putting a clay mask on my face for a while.
• Watch the newly purchased "Julie & Julia" dvd while working on some of these projects.
  
• Clean bedroom. Especially do filing. This will be easier if filing box isn't too expensive.
• Wade through accumulation of emails.
• Do online banking, to ensure that newly deposited money is in right accounts and budget can be appropriately updated.
• Update budget.
• Show up here at least once more today to write a Daily 5 list.
  
• Attend joint birthday party for Mom and T tonight.

Oh my. That list is longer than I thought it was. And it starts with me crawling out of bed and having some breakfast. Guess that's what I'm off to do! Have a great last Saturday before Christmas everyone!

And I Burst Out Laughing

I have to tell you this. Just now I opened an email from a mailing list that I'm on. I opened it because it said it had a Christmas Offer for me. (I would have opened it eventually anyway, but hey, I love free stuff, and free Christmas stuff at that!) But I had to laugh. Inside it said something to the effect of "Merry Christmas! Please enjoy a complimentary copy of..." (I'm eagerly looking for the book title now - free books - even better!) "...Tortured for Christ..." And, I burst out laughing.

Because, while I'm certain that it's an excellent and important book, and I think the world in general needs to be more aware of just how much persecution of Christians goes on, it was just so not what I was expecting.

I mean, it's like it was saying, "This Christmas, spread the love and joy with a copy of a book on persecution and torture."

Maybe my sense of humor is twisted, or maybe it's simply that I went to bed LATE and I'm up quite early. But it struck me as incredibly ironically funny.

To be fair, I think this particular book give-away is a paid advertisement for an organization that works against the persecution of Christians around the globe, and to raise awareness of that persecution in North America where we tend to turn a blind eye to it. I've certainly received the offer to receive this book a number of times before, in various emails, from various mailing lists that reach a fairly wide spectrum of the Christian world. It was just the presentation of this particular one that caught me as funny. the "We have a Christmas Gift for you - a book about torture" motif that made me laugh.

Like I said, maybe I'm twisted... who knows...

Daily 5 - Day 128

Today's Daily 5:

1. Friday!
2. Wearing jeans and my comfy knock-off "ugg" boots at work all day
3. Watching episodes of "The Amazing Race" online - if I'm going to watch reality television, this is definitely the show I find the most interesting
4. Freshly washed sheets, towel and pajamas
5. Bought the "Julie & Julia" dvd tonight - and planning to watch it tomorrow while I do some Christmas gift prep. Really looking forward to that.
6. Vietnamese take out for dinner
   
7. Fun delivering a few baking gifts to coworkers today
8. Got to love doing payroll when you get to process your own raise and some back pay - thankful for that coming through on my end of the month cheque
9. counting down the days until I have 10 days off of work. 4.5 days to go.
10. Quiet evening at home, doing little things that needed to be done.
    

Thankful it's Friday

I yawned as I wrote the title of this post.

This has been an exhausting week.

I'm very drained - physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

And incredibly thankful that it's Friday.

I'm wearing jeans.

I haven't melted down into a puddle of tears (though I've felt like it.)

I phoned the government student loan offices this morning to confirm that a change to my banking information I'd requested be made had gone through.

For the first time in history the government did something right, and quickly to boot.

I'm thankful for that, too, because it means that this weekend I can wrap up this state of being between two different banks, and go back to only having one bank. I like it when projects like that are going to come off my list, and finally be finished. The longer term projects with dozens of little steps. It's always a good feeling to know that one of them is finished.

On Fridays I have lunch with a coworker. I think we're having Wendy's today. I'm looking forward to that grilled chicken sandwich and fries.

I'm listening to Kathy Mattea's "Good News" Christmas Album. Beautiful songs, some original, some not, a lovely progression of songs. It's one of the few Christmas music selections I can stomach for more than about ten minutes.

Did I mention that I'm wearing jeans? And my comfy knock-off "Ugg" boots. Fridays are good for that.

I'm exhausted, and close to tears, but I'm choosing to be thankful right now. Or trying anyway. Because all of those things I've listed, and, I'm sure, a myriad of other things are very positive moments in my life right now.

Daily 5 - Day 127

To be honest, I really don't feel like making a list of 5 or more things that I am thankful for, or that make me smile today. I want to cry, or at least whine a little. I have a few thoughts on the idea of community and belonging to share, but I think I'll let those percolate for a night or so, and re-approach tomorrow or sometime future. And I'll come up with a Daily 5 list, because that was the whole point anyway - to come up with things that help me change my perspective to a more positive, joyful, and life-giving one.

So, here it is, today's Daily 5:

1. I'm thankful that the annual review is over for another year, that it was mostly positive, and that in a time when money is tight it does come with a bit of a raise.
2. I'm thankful that I attended the christmas party for the house group I'm becoming involved in tonight. It was very challenging to be there after the day I had, and the week I've had, but I'm glad for the few laughs and the brief moments of conversation.
3. I'm thankful that work was far less explosive today than it could have been.
4. I'm thankful for leftover ravioli lasagna in the fridge tonight for a quick, easy, and tasty supper in between work and house group
5. I'm thankful for all the other bloggers who've been writing challenging and inspiring or simply just funny stuff this week while I've been so bogged down in the stuff of life.
   

Challenging Day

This has been a very challenging day.

Besides the thought processes I discussed this morning, the deeply personal wrestles, it is a day that on a practical level has had immense potential for explosion.

An annual performance review this morning had me feeling very uncertain. Thanks to some particularly challenging inter-office dynamics, my last one was less than stellar and had me looking for new work. The office dynamics changed about 8 months ago, and my new position has been much better, but I was still very uncertain about the review. Thankfully it was mostly positive, and I'm excited about some of the potential for growth and training in my position that will come in the new year.

Other office dynamics have become explosive again this week, and the tension around the office has been increasing all day, and explosions are threatening or still seemingly imminent.

So it's been a mixed and very challenging day.

Thankfully my mood has been relatively peaceful, but I'm feeling the drain of the tensions, and am quite exhausted at the moment.

I'm going to a Christmas party with a group of new friends tonight. I'm not certain I'm anywhere near the Christmas spirit, but I'm sure going to try to just relax and enjoy myself.

And I'm incredibly grateful that tomorrow is the last day of work for the week.

A weekend will be a blessing after the week I've had.

John 17 Goodness

The words of Jesus are so hard. The cost is high, and, when I was talking about that with my roommate this morning, her simple question was, "but is it worth it?"

I had to admit that sometimes I just don't know.

I'm thinking about unity this morning. Unity in a body of believers, unity among a small community of Jesus loving friends. It's a topic I've given a lot of thought to over the last few challenging years, and it is one that is once again rearing it's head.

I'll come out and say it. I'm not sure sometimes that I long for unity anymore. I mean, I long for it in the "it should have been" kind of way. But not in any kind of way that still wants to invest time and energy, and pay the cost of seeing it formed or restored.

The words of Jesus haunt me. John 17, his great prayer for unity. "I pray that they will all be one...may they experience such perfect unity that the world will know that you sent me, and that you love them as much as you love me."

In the summer of 2008, in the midst of an extremely challenging day, a moment where I was deeply broken, and weeping, a poem formed on the page that was in front of me. One of the lines from my own writing, from that poem has stayed with me ever since. "...No John 17 goodness left in me..."

I'm feeling like that this morning. I don't really want unity, I want to walk forward, to be free, to move on from the things that have weighed so heavy. No John 17 goodness left in me.

And yet...

I feel the hard deep pull of obedience (to loosely quote Walter Bruggemann).

The strength of Jesus' words.

Because if he prayed this, than he truly desired it.

And if he desired it, then I need to align my heart with his.

And that is harder still.

In fact, I think, the more I follow, the harder it is at times to align my heart to that call for obedience, to align my heart to his.

Because the longer I follow, the more I realize that this will cost me everything. That it will hurt more than anything I've ever known. (Though even as I write that, my heart reminds me that in following Jesus there have also been the moments of deepest joy that I have ever known.)

I'll drink this cup too, if he asks, this dying again to my own desires, to self. And I drink it knowing there is a cost. And sometimes, sometimes I hate that cost (though I suppose that too is sin to be confessed and surrendered...)

Jesus, let my heart align with yours. Guide my steps this day. There's no John 17 goodness left in me, would you fill my heart with yours?

Daily 5 - Day 126

Today's Daily 5:

1. Another batch of cookies baked
2. Getting through a particularly challenging day
3. thankful for deep prayerful spaces, even the particularly painful ones
4. thankful for a shift to somewhat warmer weather
5. thankful for a quiet (if at times hard) evening at home.
   

Advent Prayer

I loved the Advent prayer that Ian posted this morning.

You can find it here.

Juxtaposed

I'm experiencing a sharp juxtaposition today.

My heart is elsewhere, praying for some friends.

My body is at work. Our receptionist is out sick today, meaning I'm responsible for the work of two different positions for this day. It's been a little bit crazy already.

And I'm not feeling well to boot. Quite ill actually.

My body and heart are in different places today.

Juxtaposed.

The Lord Cares Deeply

Psalm 116:15 NLT "The Lord cares deeply when his loved ones die."

And they are all his loved ones.

Praying this for many around me tonight, and some specifically.

Daily 5 - Day 125

Today's Daily 5:

1. I'm thankful I did my errands at lunch, even if they were a bit rushed, instead of after work, since I drove today, and traffic was quite bad again.
2. I'm thankful that the weather is warming up
3. listening to Misty Edwards again lately, and being deeply moved by it
   
4. mixing up a triple batch of sugar cookie dough. First type of cookies baked tonight, dough stored in the fridge, more to come in coming days
5. I was thankful to do yoga after work tonight. I've been getting my 20+ minutes of exercise in the last little while by doing a lot of walking (added bonus of taking the train - get the workout for the day in). But I've missed the yoga, and how much better my muscles feel after stretching them out.
6. I was thankful that I didn't have to make dinner, but still got to eat a delicious meal.
7. working on Philippians memorization in the car this morning
8. lots of quiet moments today, pausing to pray
9. having the supplies to finish making all but one Christmas present... that last one is stumping me... not sure what to do about it yet.
10. sorting through my budget, and realizing that even though things will be tight these next couple weeks, I'm going to get through Christmas for the first time in quite a while without accruing debt that would need to be paid off.
    

Tuesday Morning Praying

I've committed to praying specifically over a period of time for some friends who are in the midst of some pretty challenging circumstances right now. That period of time is drawing to a close soon, but for the next few days, that is where my thoughts will largely be.

In the meantime, I've been reading Anne Jackson's blog for a little while now, and really appreciating. I was delighted this morning to read her post on beginning treatment for bipolar disorder. A close relative of mine suffers from bipolar disorder, and because of lifestyle choices and addictions, is usually off of his medications, and often living on the streets. I've read through some of Anne's archived posts about depression and as someone who suffered from depression for many years found them to be a lovely balm for a soul that has often hesitated to expose those parts of my journey because of the stigma attached to them.

So, go read Anne's blog today! And come back here then, because (as I said yesterday), I will be eventually posting more substantive posts again!

Daily 5 - Day 124

Today's Daily "5":

1. Surviving a bit of a crazy and odd Monday.
   
2. A new "last minute lasagna" recipe experiment for supper (uses ravioli stuffed with cheese instead of lasagna noodles) that was really tasty.
3. Weather that warmed up a bit, making the train ride and walk home a lot less painful than the ride and walk this morning.
4. Unexpectedly getting my least favorite household "chore" (grocery shopping) of the week out of the way tonight because I realized I needed to drive my car for a little while, just to warm it up in this cold.
5. A grocery shopping trip that was really quick and smooth, and almost enjoyable.
6. Knowing that grocery shopping unexpectedly tonight means that I have an entire, unscheduled free evening tomorrow night.
   
7. Driving an old car that may have it's quirks, but starts like a charm in these ridiculous temperatures, without being plugged in at night.
8. wrapping a simple birthday gift and card for a friend, as well as a Christmas card for her and her husband in preparation for mailing tomorrow.
9. finding several more recipes that all look delicious and can be made with the same base sugar cookie dough.
10. enjoying a few games on facebook for bits and pieces of the evening.
    

Pause, mid-afternoon

It's been a busy day.

I'm pausing just for a moment.

I just checked the weather outside. Including wind-chill, it's a full 10 degrees warmer than it was when I was walking this morning. That is very good news for the walk at the end of this day.

I've been having odd sorts of days lately.

I feel like I haven't been saying very much of substance here, talking mostly about the weather, or some of the minutiae of daily life.

Truth is that the things going on in and around me are somewhat deep and unsettling, and that though some are impacting me immensely, I can't really talk about them here without betraying the confidences of others.

Instead of writing substantive thoughts, I've been spending a lot of time thinking and praying and sitting in the quiet with questions and concerns.

Advent does this to me sometimes. This silencing and waiting. This year it simply seems compounded by the things that must be held in confidence.

So, for the moment, I'm going to keep talking about the weather, and the daily minutiae of life.

Cold Monday Thoughts

I'm wearing at least two layers of clothing over my entire body. Three and four layers in some cases.

The walk this morning was brutal. You know it's cold when the idea that it will warm up to -22C today makes me cheerful. It means the walk home will be slightly less painful. Or at least that's the hope.

I'm having a Monday.

I have my hair down today, which is fine, except that I wore a toque and a face wrap to get here without dying of cold this morning. Which would both also be fine, if I'd remembered to throw a hairbrush into my purse. As it is, I'll just have to live with somewhat unruly hair today.

I also forgot to bring business appropriate shoes. Ah well, tromping around the office in my boots won't hurt anything, and at least my feet are fairly warm. It's not like I have any business meetings today that I need to be really professionally dressed for.

And with that, there are a myriad of little things waiting for my attention. More thoughts to come later.

Daily 5 - Day 123

Today's Daily 5:

1. One flopped baking attempt, and one not quite as planned attempt, but still smiling, and with one edible container of sweet goodness to show for the efforts
2. Spending time making Christmas cards and gift tags tonight
3. Finishing a very good book (Bent Hope by Tim Huff) that I've been working on for a couple of weeks... more thoughts on it to come...
4. Having the house to myself for the vast majority of the day
5. sipping a glass of ice wine and lighting three advent candles.
   

Sometimes flops (Rejoice)

As I write this, I'm happily eating a bowl of slightly mangled Chinese dumplings for dinner. I've loved these little things for years and every once in a while I'll make a whole meal out of them, and there is a local grocery store that sells bags of them, frozen, just needing to be cooked. My mom has mastered the art of cooking them until they're perfect. Me? Not so much. But hey, they're tasty, even slightly mangled.

The slightly mangled nature of the dumplings is pretty indicative of my cooking and baking attempts today.

I tried two new cookie recipes. One was an unrescueable flop (though very nice smelling), and ended up in the garbage can. The other is quite edible, but definitely not all that pretty to look at.

I think, today, I'm okay with the flops. They amuse me.

They feel indicative of life. You try, you enjoy the process, and well, sometimes you fail a little bit anyway, or maybe it isn't a failure, but it sure doesn't look anything like what you were expecting.

I'm glad I stayed home today, though yesterday I was so longing to attend the house church gathering.

My energy levels, true to form, have fluctuated through the day, and it's been nice to be able to simply retreat to my bedroom in quiet.

I still find myself praying deeply for some things, and that too, is drawing energy.

I was grateful that I was home because it meant that I got to trade a few emails with a very dear friend. Emails that encouraged my heart in the midst of the spaces that it's currently occupying.

In a little while, I'll light the third candle of the advent wreath, and let my heart be again quiet and praying. Tonight's candle is joy, or rejoice. Seems somehow appropriate, even though this has been a day where I have walked again the line between joy and sorrow.

It was a day of minor culinary failures, and yet, the time itself, spent cooking and baking has felt sacramental. A prayer offered. Love taking the form of food (even if I am the only one who will see or eat some of that food.) Amidst those moments, my heart rejoices and gives thanks.

You know it's cold when...

...Everyone's facebook status starts to discuss nothing but the cold...

Some from various friends that I saw this morning:

ok...-28 today, REALLY!!...no one should inhabit this land...let's give it back and head south...

...is cheering on global warming... (this one had the following comment by another friend, which was also quite amusing to me: "I think I may go idle my car for a while in support of your stand. Stay strong brother.")

...did not realize she had signed up for " -28 C but feels like -42 C". Where do I unsubscribe from this?

Baby it's cold outside...

I was all set to complain loudly about the cold (it's -28 C with a windchill of -33C), until I read Hope's post. She lives in regions even further north, and it sounds like it is WAY worse there.

But seriously, have you heard the term "cradle of civilization"? As I was getting ready to go out into the cold last night I was reflecting on the fact that the birthplace of the human race was in the middle east. Do they have snow or cold there? Not so much. Human beings are just not designed for this kind of weather as far as I'm concerned.

And it won't stop snowing here. Days and days without seeing the sun now. I miss the sun, even though here, in the winter, if the sun is out, it is often colder, because cloud cover holds in some warmth.

Since I'm needing to lay low today (at least until the event on my schedule for tonight) I did one quick errand this morning, and now I'm going to do a bit of baking (and fill my house with yummy smells), find something to eat for lunch, and then spend the afternoon wrapped in a blanket, reading and thinking and praying. With lots of candles lit in my bedroom to warm up the air. And a big mug of rooibos tea.

And if I'm feeling really creative, I'll make a birthday card or two, and several Christmas cards.

Or I might just take a nap.

I mostly slept last night, the last two nights actually, but even the brief trip out this morning has sapped my somewhat limited energy and right now a bit of baking, some lunch, and a nap is sounding pretty good to me.

Daily 5 - Day 122

Today's Daily 5:

1. An event tonight that was much more enjoyable than I thought it would be
2. Safe driving across the city and back in freezing cold weather and on slightly sketchy roads
3. Getting a good handle on the banking stuff that is in progress today, and feeling good about the change of banks, and like I understand it and it will really be quite beneficial for me.
4. I am enjoying the music that Susan has on her player. (and I was delighted to see a new post up tonight too!)
5. An afternoon holed up in my bedroom, doing paperwork, but also somewhat resting.
   

A Little Bit Sorry for Myself

Okay, I admit it, I'm sitting here feeling just a little bit sorry for myself.

I have a commitment tonight that I don't particularly want to attend because of some of the people who will be there, but need to attend, because I care about the person it's honoring.

Incidentally, I had to laugh last night when, while discussing tonight's plans with my mom, she asked the reason I wasn't looking forward to being around this particular group of people. My answer? "Because they're so christian!" We both got a good laugh out of that, especially since my mom has met a few of these people, and knows me well enough to know that what I was referring to was a particular strain of conservative, sheltered naivete that makes me a little bit crazy after a while. The sort of naivete that makes me a very shocking person (and those of you who know me, know that "shocking" isn't particularly a word that's regularly applied to me!)

But I'm feeling just a little bit sorry for myself because of the demand of tonight's commitment.

Because, you see, this is a very low energy weekend. This week was draining, and I came into the weekend knowing that I'd need to really limit my commitments. That I'd keep the ones I had planned (massage, banking, tonight, and tomorrow night) and that it would likely not be wise to add any more.

No big deal, except that there is another commitment, a gathering of the house church network I'm becoming involved in, tomorrow. And based on how I'm doing at the moment, and the knowledge that tonight will likely be a later night, and that I have a family commitment tomorrow night, it's unlikely that it would be wise for me to attend said gathering.

And, at the moment, that's making me a little bit grumpy and resentful. Grumpy because it's the event I'd definitely rather attend. And resentful because at 26, I really shouldn't have to make decisions like this based on health and energy levels.

I think it's actually been harder to be accepting of the energy level and health struggles over the last month. I've been feeling a little bit better. There are signs of life within me again. For the first time in a long time, I'm finding that I want to re-engage with the world. To be a bit social, make new friends, and seek out community again. And it has been frustrating me that sometimes even the most basic day to day things can exhaust me, and that the necessity is that the weekends are a time when I conserve energy a bit, to make it through the work days that pay my bills.

I'm telling myself that things are slowly getting better. (And they are.) And that it took a long time to get this overwhelmingly fatigued, so I certainly can't expect to heal overnight. (Also very true.)

But I'm still just a little bit grumpy. I'll get over it.

And who knows, maybe it'll be an earlier night than I think tonight, and I'll have one of those rare fantastic sleeps, and I'll be able to attend the gathering and my family event tomorrow evening.

If not, I'll choose joy in the morning somehow, and pray for those who are gathered, that it would be a time of great blessing and laughter and joy.

Numbers and Such Like

I started my morning with a massage.

It was a pretty good way to start the morning.

After that, well, most of the rest of my day is going to be about numbers.

I had a meeting at a new bank to open some accounts and start the process of changing banks.

I went to my current bank to deposit a couple of cheques so that I can pay some bills.

And now I'm home, and wrapped in a blanket.

It's -34 Celsius out there with the windchill today. That's -29.2 Farenheit for those of you who don't think in Celsius. So I'm wrapped in a blanket, curled up with my laptop.

And I'm dealing with banking and financial stuff. Will probably be doing that for most of the rest of the afternoon.

Not my favorite way to spend a day, but it's stuff that needs to be done.

And at least it's warm inside.

Daily 5 - Day 121

Today's Daily "5":

1. Dinner invitation from Mom. Though I do sometimes turn these down, it's rare. Mostly because on the nights when I would have onlly been cooking for myself, it's nice to not have to cook.
2. Climbing out of a long hot shower and putting on pajamas still warm from the dryer.
3. clay mask on my face for a while
4. freshly washed towel for after my shower, and freshly washed sheets on my bed to climb into shortly
5. the scent of myrhh filling my bedroom (oil burning in my oil burner tonight)
6. A friend's facebook status that I came across tonight which made me chuckle. It read: ...is having a hard time making lemonade with life's lemons today. Maybe we should kill all the lemon trees? I'd rather make wine anyway!
7. not having to sit in traffic for hours thanks to another successful train ride
8. sipping a cup of mango rooibos tea.
9. getting lots of little domestic things done while still enjoying a quiet evening with an empty house
10. being in a space of prayer deeply, even though it's uncomfortable and rather exhausting, I'm glad for the moments when Jesus deeply draws my heart to pray.
    

A Christmas Light

I really appreciated this cartoon at The Naked Pastor today.

That's it? A baby? That's all we get?

Great questions!

The Spirit Groans

Romans 8:26-27
And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will."

My somewhat tongue-in-cheek facebook status this morning reads: Lisa is so thankful for that verse that talks about the spirit praying with groanings for us when we have no words, but sometimes wishes either that my spirit would save its groanings for the waking hours, or that my body could figure out how to sleep while my spirit talks to God.

Like I said, it's somewhat tongue-in cheek.

Last night was one of those "groaning" nights. I lay awake most of the night, knowing that my spirit was talking to Jesus, and thankful for that, but also slightly grumpy that on a night when I was rather badly in need of some sleep, I was awake and praying.

I'm still working out (sometimes, as Paul writes, with literal "fear and trembling") this faith thing.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'd change it. (Well, other than the sleep thing.) I've been through some really difficult things in the last several years, and my relationship with Jesus is far deeper than it has ever been and for that I'm truly grateful.

But the practical daily outworking of living out this prayer and faith and life and intercession thing? I don't have a handle on that most of the time.

And this is a day of "groaning". Which I suppose fits nicely in the advent season. This season of longing and waiting for birth. And the process of birth itself, so deeply marked by groanings. But today, more than some days, I feel that groaning deeply. I feel it for my own life, but particularly for the lives of some I love who are facing some very challenging and painful moments these next days. And I'm grateful for a Spirit that intercedes for me, and for them, with groanings beyond words. Because, right now, I think the groanings are perhaps the most appropriate form of communicating those longings.

Daily 5 - Day 120

Today's Daily 5:

1. The little moments I listed in a smile list this morning, simple moments of beauty taking the train
2. Smiles and greetings at the house church I'm slowly becoming part of tonight. It was nice to be welcomed
3. leftover pasta for lunch... one of my favorite meals
4. managing to drive safely to and from the house church meeting tonight on somewhat icy roads
5. chatting with one of the girls at the house church that I'd like to get to know a bit more... it was good to have a few minutes to chat with her...
   

Quoting on Change

I received the following quote in an email this morning and found myself quite struck by it.

"When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves." (Victor Frankl)

A good thought, no?

Though I admit to still mostly holding a dislike for change, both in situation and in myself, I think I am getting better at this. I think that desired changes are slowly happening within me, and for that, I'm grateful.

Thursday Rhythms

I have a general like of Thursdays.

I'm not sure why, exactly, other than perhaps, in the general rhythm of my life, Thursdays tend to be positive days. If Wednesdays are the day when I struggle the most with sadness, with energy, with the general weight of the world, than Thursdays are the breath of fresh air and newness. The day that comes with the sense of relief that another weekend is now well and truly near, that another week has nearly been conquered (not that I particularly think about conquering my weeks, but, right now, for me there is a certain sense of accomplishment in each week that ends without major collapse or calamity.)

The rhythms at work on Thursdays are nice too. There are tasks that I like that get done on Thursdays.

Watering the plants is one of those. I have one plant in my house, that I continually forget to water, so it's constantly in a state of disarray. At the office, however, I am responsible for probably about a dozen plants, and they are thriving. On Thursdays I spend 20 mintues or so watering and plucking and generally loving on those plants.

As I'm sitting here this morning, I'm smiling. An odd thing for me, especially given that the window next to me tells me that the snow is still falling, it's still windy and cold.

I took the train this morning. It would seem that that was a good decision, given what I'm hearing from other staff members about the state of the roads.

It felt like a good decision to me as I was doing it. While I'm generally not a fan of public transit in Calgary, right now I'm even less of a fan of the high stress that winter driving creates in me. On transit, if my commute takes an hour and a half, I can be reading a book, and not having to worry about the icy roads.

And so, I have a very brief smile list to start this day, comprised of little moments of beauty that I noticed as I walked and took the bus and train this morning:

• I loved the reflection of lights on all the snow... soft colorful glow from neon signs... in one spot I walked through, the whole world was pink, and it was lovely.
• I loved having the chance to sit and focus on some stories in the book I'm reading. The nights this week have been full, and I haven't had the time to sit down with this book and really enjoy it. This morning on the train I managed to read two chapters and really savor them.
• I liked that I got some exercise walking to the bus stop, and then walking from the train to my office. It's not a day that I had exercise scheduled for, but I felt good getting a bit of walking in this morning.
• It took me the same approximate amount of time to take the bus and train and walk this morning as it usually does to drive, and I was grateful for that as well.

Daily 5 - Day 119

Today's Daily "5":

1. Making it home safely in very snowy weather. It took an hour and a half, but I was really just so grateful to have made it home in one piece and without any problems. (I think I'm going to take the train tomorrow... never thought I'd voluntarily do that!)
2. I'm pleased that even after a frustrating drive home, I found the motivation to follow through on a commitment to myself to really fight for my health, and to still do the yoga workout I had planned. That is a change in me that I would never have predicted - voluntarily exercising.
3. I'm thankful that in the midst of really dark days, there is hope.
4. I'm thankful for seasons like Advent and Lent that remind me what it is to really and truly long for the Light to Come.
5. Someone told me today that I seem "cheerier" and "more myself" the last month or so. That was really encouraging, particularly on a day when I was really struggling with sadness.
6. I'm thankful that I had a bit of quiet time to myself tonight before my roommate got home with a friend in tow.
7. I'm thankful for mango rooibos tea, and a couple of the cookies I baked on the weekend.
8. I'm thankful for the smile that came when a friend was teasing me about my plans to take the train tomorrow, reminding me of all the "adventures" I have collected over the years on the train.
9. I'm thankful that I can catch up on all the episodes from my favorite television shows online
10. I'm thankful for the little things (email from a friend, phone call from a family member, chats with a coworker) that remind me that I am loved and not alone.
11. (BONUS ITEM!!) I'm thankful for an ipod, which makes driving for an hour and a half to travel 15 kilometers a much more bearable undertaking. Tonight I listened to one sermon, and one and a half interviews with some of my favorite authors/speakers. It was good times, despite the nasty roads and the slighly frozen windshield wipers that made seeing out the front window a bit challenging!