Daily 5 - Day 172

Today's Daily 5:

1. Making it through the night.  This morning, as dawn came, and I managed to drift off to catch a couple hours of sleep, it felt like a remarkable blessing to have made it through the night.
2. Mini bananas for breakfast - have you ever eaten these things - they're tasty!
3. Hanging out with my grandma, aunt, mom, and sister-in-law to be while shopping for dresses for the upcoming wedding.
4. This afternoon while we were shopping, L. quietly drew me aside, and told me that she and T. had wanted to ask me together, but he is out of town this weekend and my aunt's planned dress shopping trip had tipped their hand, and that they would like me to be a bridesmaid for their wedding, and I wouldn't need to shop for a dress today.  That was a really special moment for me - very healing and affirming in lots of ways I can't quite explain.  It was fun, too, to trade a few texts with T. later in the day, just thanking him for including me as well.
5. Talking for just a little while this afternoon, a few stolen minutes alone in a car, with my mom, who understands what it is to battle fear and anxiety, and blessed me by simply understanding, without making me feel bad for what I was experiencing, or trying to "fix" me.

Stigma: Being Understood

I was reminded again today, that despite the growing awareness and effort that so many are making, things that fall into the category of "mental illness" are easily stigmatized.

And the reason?  Well, my theory is that it's simply impossible for someone with thought patterns and brain chemistry that are "normal" to understand, and that makes it just a bit weird and scary.

I was thinking about it again because I was talking with someone who did understand.  For five minutes this afternoon I talked about how I passed last night, pushing the anxieties and fears away.  I talked with someone who understood how something that can be combatted quite rationally in the middle of the day becomes incredibly overwhelming, and can't be rationalized away when it is keeping you awake at 3 am.  Someone who understood that well meaning advice like "get back on the horse" isn't really all that helpful because what you're dealing with isn't rational, but that you can't get mad at the person giving the advice either (even though it stings) because you know that they really do care about you, but just can't understand.

It was nice, just for a few minutes to be with someone who understood.

Kick at the Darkness

I woke at 3:30.  Blogged yesterday's daily 5 sometime around 4.  At 5 I rolled over again to stare at the clock, and wondering when the night would come to an end, or sleep would finally return.

In the darkness, all of the rational things that help during the day seem to lose power.  I lay there, panicking, exhausted, feeling helpless, praying desperately.

Somewhere in the midst of the night, a Bruce Cockburn lyric I've often heard quoted returned to me "Got to kick at the darkness until it bleeds daylight."

That's what last night felt like.

Somewhere around dawn I drifted off for a few more hours of restless sleep.

I googled the lyric this morning, and it seems apt, especially when you add the line just before it:

Nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight
Got to kick at the darkness until it bleeds daylight.

Maybe that lyric returning to me was the whisper of God.  I don't know.  But it helps a little.

Because I lay there frustrated and angry that I was feeling the way I was.  It's been months since I've had a panic episode like this, and I was beginning to be able to believe that they were a thing of the past.  I still pray that one day they will.  That like the depression I struggled with for so many years, there will be healing.

It reminds me, in some ways, that line about kicking at the darkness of the phrase from scripture that played over and over in my head the day I was healed from depression a little over four years ago.  That phrase involved kicking too.  And the image it conjured was one of scarred and bloody feet, but not scars that were fresh - scars that were healing.  There is so much more to that moment, and that story.  It can be shared another time.  But the simple conjuring of that memory by a piece of lyric in the middle of the night was somehow hopeful.  Hopeful that this too can end.

"Nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight."

At three and four and five this morning it felt like a fight that would never end.  And really, it hasn't yet.  But daylight is here, and there is some respite in that.  Time to regroup, to remind myself again of truths.  To push back the darkness that overwhelms and entangles, and grab onto truth and light.  To trust that Jesus will somehow bring peace again.

Daily 5 - Day 171

It's 3:52 am, and I'm laying here, wide awake, fighting panic, and feeling like my world is spinning just a little bit out of control as all of the changes coming in the next month and months seem huge and overwhelming.  In the middle of the night all of those things that I know for certain in the daylight flee, and it is oh so much harder to fight this battle.  And it's this moment that I realize I was so distracted last night by the panic and the hope I could simply sleep it off, that I forgot to write the daily 5 list.  It's these moments that I most need these lists, these middle of the night panic filled moments.  It's these moments, too, where it's hardest to make this list.

Today's Daily 5:

1. Time with L. shopping for and sorting out wedding invitations.  Just need to nail down the details of when and where, and then we can do the last bit of designing, and begin the assembling and mailing.
2. Laughing with Mom and L. as we looked through my parent's wedding pictures, and some family pictures.  It was fun to see her face she saw the hairdos of some people she's met in our family and some baby pictures of T. that she'd never seen before.
3. Natural health treatment.  Hoping it really does help the healing process.
4. Reminding myself that it really does seem that God has lead me to move into Grandmas.
5. Thankful for rides to and from various places with my rather understanding family.

What It's Like... (anxiety and panic)

My roommate stared at me blankly tonight as I tried to explain.

We were talking about the fact that I haven't been behind the wheel of a car yet and I mentioned that the very idea of it is enough to start panic and adrenaline racing through my system.

"Oh, just go to a quiet neighborhood, and I'm sure in five minutes you'll be fine."

I've been through this before.  Twice before.  Each time it took at least a month before I didn't feel instantly panicky on getting behind the wheel.  Manageable panic, but still panic.  Lots of clenched teeth prayers for help - for me, and for safety, and lots of gritted teeth refusal to let the fear win that round.  This was the worst accident yet.  I'm telling myself it doesn't have to be the same, that I am stronger, and getting better at facing and dealing with the panic all the time, but the very idea of being the person in control of a car makes me want to sob on the spot.

"You just need to get back up on the horse."

She can't know how words like that sting.  That a "normal" person would simply hear that as sage advice.  She doesn't know that all week people have been telling me about how God allows the bad stuff as well as the good, and how those words, even though I believe them, are grating on my already raw nerves.  She's smiling, and I see that, teasing me, wanting to cheer me up.  She cares about me, and for all of those reasons I don't say anything in response.  Just a simple "I will."  (And I will, likely tomorrow.  Maybe the next day.  Probably with my mom or someone with me, to help calm my nerves.)

But it leaves me feeling isolated again.  Alone with the pink elephant in the corner of the room.  The one I'd so like to ignore -  that panic and fear that only I can see.

I don't quite know how to describe this reality that is sometimes mine.

I've found a natural supplement that works well to manage it, and it's rarely a daily occurence anymore - it takes something big to tip the balance.  I'm working on controlling it, and facing it.  I'm winning more and more of the battles with that silent pink elephant these days.

But today, today I'm losing a bit.

Ironic, isn't it, that I spent a chunk of the afternoon looking at car ads with my dad?

The triggers are hard to predict.  It was a conversation with my roommate about plans for tomorrow, and for the coming week.  I happened to mention that I hadn't driven yet, and the panic rose up like a monster, and there it was.  The elephant in the room.

So, tonight I'm praying again for peace.  I'm using all of the coping strategies that I know work.

I'm acknowledging that I'm afraid.  And also that I am strong.  That this week I have walked the balance of some difficult circumstances and emotions and needed to care for myself.  That I have coped with the aftermath of this accident (my third, not counting a few serious near misses - got to love icy roads) so much better than previous ones (and this has been the worst.)  I'll get behind the wheel of the car, and I'll choose to find ironic humor in the fact that my prayer life will be consistent, perhaps slightly panicked and very regular for a while.  And I'll choose to remember that it does get better.  I'll drive even more carefully.  And eventually the panic will fade again.

Reading Update

A quick update on the progress I'm making on my goal to read (or listen to an unabridged audio version) at least one non-fiction book a month.

This week I finished a book of essays on faith and life.  Titled "The Best Catholic Writing 2004", it was a good read, though some essays were definitely slower than others, and, because of the time frame in which the book was compiled, at the height of the abuse scandals that rocked the church, the book was a bit heavy on content dealing with that scandal, and the way forward for the church.

I also finished listening to the audio book I've been listening to for the last couple of weeks.  Titled "Traveling with Pomegranates" by Sue Monk Kidd and Anne Kidd Taylor, this is one I'd highly recommend.  It's basically the story of several trips a mother and daughter made together, but it's so much more.  Laced with Greek mythology, faith, illness, and themes of transition in life, it was a truly beautiful story.  I had to laugh at the way some of the themes I was listening to were paralleling conversations I'd been having with a dear friend.  It was definitely a timely "read" and one I'll be listening to again, as well as possibly purchasing in book form.

The Scoop

So, here's the scoop.

My parents will loan me the money to buy another beater car.  Which is more debt, but very arguably very necessary debt at this point, since we're all agreed that three hours a day on transit is not a practical solution to my transportation needs.

I'm going to move into my Grandma's basement.  It is by no means my ideal situation, but it's doable for a while.  Especially if I paint the room I'm moving into (it's currently covered in very dark wood paneling, and isn't super well lit, so a coat of white or off white paint will work wonders) - and Grandma said I could paint.  The room is large, and at the back of the basement, and will give me space to still set up my couch/loveseat so I can have friends over, as well as having an open area in front where I can put my table and chairs (since I often have friends come for dinner).

It will be interesting to see how it goes, since my grandma and I are about as opposite in personality as humanly possible.  She is maybe the most chatty person alive, loves being with people, talks on the phone for hours, is very nosy, and likes to know everything about everyone she ever meets.  She can also give you all the details on the life of someone she ran into at the grocery store the other day who you may have met, once, or whose sibling you went to school with some thirty years prior.  I on the other hand, am an introvert who LOVES silence and privacy - lots of silence and privacy.  This personality conflict was the biggest reason I was hesitating to move in in the first place, and it will definitely be the largest challenge of living there.

To be honest, I'm still a bit discouraged and angry at how things have played out.  Mostly just frustrated at the loss of a car, but also a little frustrated to have to give up this apartment.  Of the three places I've lived since moving out of my parent's home, this has definitely been my favorite, the most convenient for my work commute, and for my life in general.  I've really loved living here, and it's hard to give that up.

I'd already been mostly planning to live with Grandma.  It was the idea that wouldn't go away as I mulled and prayed over what on earth I was going to do when L's visa expired and she had to leave the country.  Especially as each of the options for replacement roommates that had seemed so certain fell away.  So, in that sense, I'm confident that this is a "right" step.  I guess I'm struggling with the "my will vs. God's leading" conundrum.  Because this "right step" is most certainly NOT the one I would have chosen.

Living with Grandma makes economic sense as well.  I will save probably somewhere between 100 and 150 dollars a month in expenses - money that can go towards debt to pay it off sooner and set me free.  Or money that can pay the likely increase in my car insurance payment thanks to another accident on my record.  I guess it's hard for me, though, because I am far more of a dreamer than a person who wants to live with the reality of numbers, and living at Grandma's is definitely going to be a challenging sacrifice for the sake of my finances.

To be fair, I'm not afraid to admit that these circumstances are somewhat of my own making.  It was my choices that led to the debt that means I can't afford my own place.  And it is my choice in how I handle this next season, waiting and paying down debt, and moving forward.  I know that these things are mine alone to own.  But I'm struggling a little with that too.  Because it would be nice to blame the debt on the circumstances that led to my spending.  On some of the disasters of life in the last couple of years that meant I relied on my credit card for groceries in order that I could make a rent payment from my chequing account, or that left me devastated and looking to buy happiness wherever I could.  But I made those choices - the attempted purchases of happiness especially.

To quote the irritating old saying, "I made the bed, and now I've got to lie in it."  (Which is really a horrible saying, and quite ruins the beauty I enjoy each week of making my bed with freshly washed sheets and then crawling into it at the end of the night!)

So.  In the next month, here's what's happening in my life.

• I need to pack all of the belongings in the current apartment, relocate them to Grandma's basement, and unpack them there.
• I need to get a Grandma approved paint color, some primer, and paint the incredibly dark 1970s wood paneling to a lighter and more liveable shade of white or beige.  (So thankful that all of my furniture is a nice bright white color as that will help immensely as well!)
• I need to shop (with my dad's help) for a replacement for George at some sort of affordable price.
• I also need to tackle the challenge of getting back behind the wheel of a car again.
• I will be involved in wedding planning with my brother and L.
• I'll be working full time, and planning a major conference for work, to take place in early April, just after Easter.
• I'll be hoping and praying my body gets back to normal post accident.

Those are just the immediate and major tasks.  There's quite a lot of them to be honest.

That's the scoop.  I'm still tired and frustrated.  I'm working on readjusting my expectations to what my new reality is going to be.  I'm a bit overwhelmed at the seeming enormity of the tasks in front of me, especially at a time when I know that I'm not physically well (I was still having health problems before the accident, and I've now compounded them.)  I'm working at finding that peace again.  At accepting what the next section of my life is going to look like.

Daily 5 - Day 170

Today's Daily 5:

1. 170 days of showing up here to write daily 5 lists!
2. Swimming today - I don't know how well known a fact it is, but I was a synchronized swimmer for twelve years (and the last 5 of those years I also coached).  I quit formally involvement with swimming in any form at the end of high school, and in many ways have felt like that love of being in the water was something that was lost or stolen as I became buried in depression.  A few years ago as I was sitting near the Mediterranean Sea, I felt like God was telling me that He was restoring to me that love of being in/near water.  I still don't swim very regularly, and today, to be honest, was painful (I was after all, there for therapeutic reasons, post accident), but even as I swam for the twenty minutes or so that I could manage, I felt hope, and that love and comfort that comes from being held in the water stirring in me again.
3. Family - today I'm very thankful for my family.  I wrote this morning's first post mid-meltdown, and by about an hour later, I was feeling a little better.  My dad had called me, we'd talked logically through some of the challenges presented by my forthcoming move and lack of a vehicle, and my financial situation, and we'd decided that I need to buy a car.  That living with my grandma still makes all of the financial sense it did before the accident, but that because of the way our city is laid out, and the location where I'll be living, a car is pretty much a necessity.  My parents have also offered to loan me the money necessary to get a vehicle, thus helping me avoid further interest charges and debt.   
4. My mom also helped me out today.  She picked me up from the swimming pool (I'd taken the bus from my apartment to get there) and took me to do some errands, including a stop at the bank, for groceries, and at the library to pick up some books I'd requested before my car's life was tragically ended.  It was so great to do each of those things, since all of them are in locations that are quite difficult to access by transit.
5. New audio book from the library, since I'm apparently going to be spending time on transit for a bit until I can find a car to buy
6. I'm choosing to be thankful that I do have a place to move to, that will help me financially, even if it isn't my ideal situation.
7. A long online conversation with a dear friend.
8. A few friends who checked in on me in various ways after discovering I was feeling quite discouraged today.
9. Knowing that I am being held in the prayers of many this week - can't quite explain how much I appreciate that.
10. A new friend leaving me a note this morning to simply say that I'd been missed at the house church gathering I was unable to attend last night.

Everyone Out

They're used helicopters to airlift the last of the tourists stranded at Machu Picchu by mudslides earlier this week to safety.

Overwhelmed and Discouraged

Okay, so, here's the scoop.

I got the final confirmation this morning that I will definitely be moving at the end of February (barring the miracle provision of a roommate in the next two days).  Even though I knew that that news was likely coming, it was sort of the final straw, and I've been bawling off and on ever since.

I seem to have lost the ability I've relied on for the last couple of days to hold it together.

I've known I was likely moving for quite some time, and I'd made my peace with it.

What I hadn't expected was to have to move into a new location without the freedom that having a car provides.

I hadn't talked about it here yet, because it was never my ideal situation, but I was/am looking at moving into my Grandma's basement for a while.  It wasn't the ideal situation because my grandma and I are about as opposite in personality as humanly possible, and I was pretty concerned about having privacy and freedom in that situation.  A car made it a doable thing, not only in terms of freedom, but in terms of the ability to get to and from work conveniently.  Grandma's house is convenient to where I work if I'm driving.

And then Tuesday happened.  And I suddenly don't have a car, or really any prospect of purchasing one in the next couple of months based on my finances.

And so I find myself staring at the reality that the only living situation I can really afford on my own right now is to live at Grandma's.  But that I've lost the vehicle that made living there a seemingly doable prospect.  Living there now, without a vehicle, will mean about three hours a day on city transit.  It will mean that to get anywhere I need to go, I can plan on it taking at least an hour by transit.  To get to my parent's home - a five minute drive - would likely take close to an hour by transit because of the way the connections work.

I don't really know what to do, and I'm feeling like there really aren't a lot of options.  And that all hit home this morning, so I've been busy bawling.

I'm overwhelmed and discouraged, and a bit lonely as well.

(oh and did I mention that even though my parents have been generous in offering to let me borrow a car for short periods of time, right now the idea of getting back behind the wheel is enough to spark panic attacks and a fresh round of tears?)

I'll snap out of it eventually.  I always do.  But, in the moment, I can't stop crying.  (maybe that's okay...)

Daily 5 - Day 169

Today's Daily 5:

1. Thankful that we'd cooked the last few days, and for various reasons I hadn't eaten the lunches I'd packed.  It means that I got through today without having to cook - something I definitely didn't have the energy to do.
2. Reading coverage about medical supplies and shortages in Haiti, and the extreme conditions continues to leave me thankful that I live in a country where medical care is easily accessible.  It also leaves me thankful all over again that I was not seriously hurt, and that, even though I've been in quite a bit of pain today, it's been mostly manageable with over the counter painkillers.
3. Have I mentioned yet that I'm thankful for the doctor who told me I could stay in bed for a couple of days?  Because I didn't even feel like moving until about 11 this morning, and then I was only up for a couple hours before I crashed all over again.
4. Thankful for my community of online facebook/blog friends.  Some of you have sent notes or left comments on the blog or my facebook wall, and you really have no idea how timely and encouraging those have been today.
5. Thankful that I will be able to get out of the house for at least a little while tomorrow.  Feeling like I could use the break, and will be glad to go for a short swim, or even just hang out at mom and dad's for a bit.

A Bit Discouraged

I'm feeling a little bit discouraged tonight, as the reality that I will likely be moving in a month, and won't have a vehicle begin to hit home.

I haven't really cried since the accident - I was too busy holding it together, convincing myself that I was okay, making necessary phone calls, handling details.

Tonight I've cried, and am crying.

I'm sure it's some combination of exhaustion, left-over adrenaline, pain (yesterday it wasn't too bad, and I only took painkillers a couple of times, today I've been clock-watching, waiting for the four hours to be up so that I can take the next dose), and shock, but I also feel a bit of discouragement and loss of freedom.

The reality is that there are not many apartments in a price range I can afford, and even fewer of those are in a location that won't have me spending 3-4 hours a day commuting via public transit.  I don't really want to take on more debt to buy a car right now, and my savings certainly won't pay for a vehicle.

Tomorrow, I'm sure things will somehow look more hopeful, and an hour from now, I'll show up here and make a list of things that I'm thankful for from today, or things that made me smile, but just in this moment, I'm feeling discouraged, and if the tears will flow, I'm going to let them.

Train to Machu Picchu Closed

Apparently there's been quite a lot of rain and landslides in Peru recently, and the rail link to Machu Picchu is closed.  This, of course, caught my attention, given my fascination with Peru, and my longing to go to Machu Picchu someday.

Another Miracle

Another young woman was found alive in the rubble in Haiti yesterday.

Resting

I woke for the first time at 4 am, feeling pretty good.  By the time I woke again at 7 or so, the painkillers had worn off and all I could think was that I could have kissed the doctor who said I could stay in bed today.

I'm still thinking that.  The painkillers are doing a pretty good job, thankfully, but I'm exhausted, so I spent most of the morning sleeping.

I've been up for a little while now, done a few things that needed to be done, and now I'm thinking it's time for another nap.

So thankful for the doctor who told me to rest.  So thankful for a job where it is possible for me to spend a couple of days in bed without repurcussions. 

And with that, I'll be back later.  I'm off to take another nap.

Daily 5 - Day 168

Today's Daily 5:

1. Work being flexible about me only staying half a day
2. Thankful for my parents who got me to and from a clinic
3. Thankful for confirmation from the doctor that I'm in okay shape, just shaken up and sore
4. Really relieved at the news that I can spend the next couple of days in bed, resting
5. Simple foods for various meals
6. Lots of care from the people I work with
7. Little messages of encouragement from around the facebook and internet world
8. A new book arrived in the mail, just in time for a couple of days spent on my back
9. Thankful for my penchant for large scarves - meant I had something to turn into a sling when I needed one today.
10. A doctor who was brusque but kind and really did make sure I was okay before sending me home.
    

Accident Stories and Laying Low

I wore a sling at work today.  That drew quite a lot of attention to the fact that I'd had an accident yesterday, meaning I told the story of what had happened over and over and over.  I now officially don't ever want to tell it again.

I've discovered, too, that when you are hurting from a car accident, everyone on the planet suddenly has advice for you, or a horror story about some injury or other that got missed because the person "thought they were ok".  This was rather disconcerting.  I spoke briefly with EMS at the accident scene yesterday, and saw my mom (who is a natural health practioner) and was feeling pretty good about the decision to not see a doctor.  I was quite confident that I was ok.

Until I heard all the stories.   And the many incredulous, "you didn't see a doctor's??"

I came home at noon, slept for a couple of hours on an ice pack, and then phoned my mom to discuss the situation, feeling rattled and generally exhausted.  We agreed that if for nothing more than my peace of mind, it would probably be a good idea for me to get checked out, and then spent the next 20 minutes calling each other back and forth while we tried to locate a walk-in clinic where I wouldn't have to wait for hours. (My family doctor now does mostly maternity care, and is notoriously hard to get hold of, and get an appointment with, so we decided that rather than wait until almost a week post accident - Monday being likely the earliest I could get in - I'd just go to a clinic, giving me peace of mind much sooner.)

She picked me up around supper time, dropped me at the clinic, and a few hours later, when I was finished, I called home and my dad picked me up from the clinic and drove me home.

The doctor informs me that nothing is broken, that I will hurt for 5-6 days or more, that I likely don't have a concussion, but that those can take up to 6 weeks to appear, so just keep an eye on things and get myself to a hospital if I start having weird symptoms.  He wrote me a presciption for painkillers if I need them, and a referral for physio if I need that, and informed me that if I was smart, I'd stay home from work for the rest of the week (he gave me a note for that as well) and just lay low.  His exact instructions for tomorrow were to "sleep all day."

If you had told me last night that I needed to stay home for the rest of the week, I'd have laughed at you, and told you that I was just a bit sore, and would tough it out.  After the half day today, I was more than a little relieved to hear that I had medical permission to just lay low, not move too much, and take care of myself for a few days.

So, that's the plan.  Sleep, ice, maybe a little swimming in a couple of days (the doc recommended swimming a bit if I'm feeling up to it, just to gently move the sore muscles).  A treatment from my natural health guy on Saturday, and then I'll head back to work on Monday.  At this point, that plan is such a relief, and I'm also feeling much better knowing I'm not needing (thanks to all the "horror" stories I heard) to obsess about random undetected serious injuries.  It's like I thought - I'm sore and will be for a while, but nothing is broken, and I'll recover.  And for those blessings, I'm thankful.

The Day After

I woke up this morning feeling pretty good.  Not too sore after a night of relatively decent sleep and relaxed, unused muscles.

Then I started moving around.

I made it into work, but I think I'm only going to stay for half a day.  After that, the plan is to head home and hang out with an ice pack again.

My left shoulder, which caught the brunt of my fall a few weeks back, caught the brunt of my seatbelt and the impact yesterday.  It hurts badly.  However, I've improvised a sling (a new useage for my favorite white scarf!) and that is making it somewhat doable.

Daily 5 - Day 167

Today's Daily 5 (the mostly accident edition!):

1. I'm thankful that the driver who I hit was very kind.  We waited nearly an hour for the police to arrive (EMS and Fire had come and gone in that time), and it was cold out this morning.  He welcomed me to sit in his truck (which was warm, since George really wasn't).  We chatted and made sure each other were okay, traded insurance information, and just generally managed to stay calm and make the necessary phone calls.
2. I'm thankful that though George is no more, I am not seriously injured.
3. I'm thankful that the fire after the accident was quickly put out by a passing motorist who stopped, and had a fire extinguisher in his vehicle.  That also could have been so much more serious than it was.  I'll be carrying a fire extinguisher in my vehicle from now on I think!
4. I'm also thankful for the quick thinking motorist who stopped and put out my fire!
   
5. I'm thankful for a generous policeman who kindly warned me to leave more following space, instead of issuing me a very expensive ticket.
6. I'm thankful for the tow truck arriving quickly (they said expect it in an hour, but it arrived in 20 minutes!) and for the tow truck driver being friendly and efficient, and willing to ferry me along with my car to the mechanic.
7. I'm thankful for my dad, who took numerous calls from me as events progressed, and then met me at the mechanics, showing up with a hug for me, questions for the mechanic as we quickly made the decision that George was a goner, and then took me home to my mom.
8. I'm thankful that I live in the same city as my parents, and that when my dad asked if I wanted to go home or to their house, I could go to their house.  
9. I'm thankful for my mom who greeted me with another hug, let me cry a little, gave me a short treatment to immediately help with healing, brought me painkillers and an ice pack, fed me lunch, and let me lay on her couch and soothe my jangled soul with dozing to the Food Network on their satellite television.
10. I'm thankful for both of my brothers and T's fiance who in their own ways let me know that they were concerned about me today, were praying, and loved me.
11. I'm thankful for all the friends who sent notes and left facebook comments, or sent text messages or emails, telling me they were praying, and making sure I was okay.
12. I'm thankful for lasagna for supper - I actually cooked, but also for a roommate who was more than willing to do the cleanup as by that time my left shoulder was letting me know that movement was no longer a good option.  I'm also thankful that she is more than willing to do the cooking tomorrow night.
13. I'm thankful that my work was very understanding of the fact that I was not coming in today, and that I can be confident that if I wake up in the morning too sore to move, they'll give me another day or so to recover as well.
14. I'm thankful for the incredible peace that I've felt today.  That's really unusual for me after an accident (I've had a couple previous ones, as well as some very scary near misses, mostly involving ice and snow).  I feel like I've been buoyed by Jesus' love and the prayers of so many, and I'm really grateful for that.  Especially since I've been struggling for the last several days with anxiety again, and working on getting the supplements evened out again.  It's been such a blessing to not be feeling that today.
15. I'm thankful that tomorrow is another day, and one that won't hold a car accident!  :)
    

A few links

As the day continues to go on, I'm becoming more and more sore (duh!).  I can't move my left arm/shoulder much at all.  So, I'm propped against pillows on my bed, doing a little bit of typing with both arms, but mostly using my much less sore right arm to work the mouse and catch up on various blog reading and news articles.  Here are a couple of links worth checking out.

I've never read anything by Seth Godin, but after reading his guest post at Anne Jackson's Flowerdust blog today, I put a few of his books and audio books on hold at the library.

Also, I was both stunned and thrilled to hear that another person was pulled alive from the rubble in Haiti today.  You can check out the BBC article here.

That's all for now folks!  I'll be back a bit later with the daily 5 - and you can believe that I have a lot that I'm thankful for today!

Bad Start

So, I talked myself into getting out of bed this morning.  I wasn't feeling great, but definitely not bad enough to stay at home.  I'm wishing I'd stayed at home.

I never made it to work.  I was one exit from my stop when I got into a pretty bad car accident.  George (who used to look like this) now looks like this:

The airbag deployed and hit me in the face, so my nose and lip are pretty sore, and all of the aching muscles that had just sort of nicely returned to normal after my fall down the stairs a couple of weeks ago are now in much worse pain, but I'm okay and really grateful to be that way.

I'm also vehicleless, which will bring some unique challenges into my life for a while, but I'll figure those out as they crop up.

And, I've got to say that if you're going to start the morning by destroying your car and slamming into someone's rear end, it's nice if that person is really nice about it.  The guy I hit was really nice to me, and while we waited the hour or so for the cops to show up, we sat in his warm truck, (which I was thankful for, since my car had no power - the firefighters disconnected the battery after making sure that the flames - oh yes, it was on fire, did I mention that? - were out.)

So, not the best start to the day, and if I'd taken that sick day I considered this morning, I probably wouldn't have spent it talking to policemen and mechanics and insurance adjusters, but hey - they were all very nice to me.  And my dad, who I shocked into awakeness with an early morning phone call met me at the mechanic's after I'd been towed (Oh - another blessing - because of my old car, I have AMA and pay for the membership with towing - so no tow bill!)  Dad took me back to their place where mom was waiting with a hug, and a brief treatment to help with some of the muscle trauma, and food and prayers.  I made all my calls from their house, and dozed on their couch for a bit watching the Food Network (fun, since I love to cook and don't have cable at my house), and then they brought me home.

So, in general I'm thankful, if a little shaken up still.  It could have been so much worse, and it wasn't.

Now that I'm home, I'm comfortably in sweat pants, wrapped in a blanket, and planning to spend the rest of the day moving fairly little, and in the company of an ice pack.  My left shoulder in particular (took the brunt of my fall a few weeks ago, and the brunt of the seatbelt etc. today) is quite sore, and I don't think I'll be doing yoga again anytime soon!

Daily 5 - Day 166

Today's Daily 5:

1. A busy, but productive day at work.  Payroll.  Vacation updates.  Reference checks. Credit card payments.  And working on negotiating an entertainment contract for the upcoming spring conference.
2. Beef stir-fry for supper.  Apparently I was craving red meat tonight.
3. Really quiet evening.
4. Getting through the "to do" list for the evening
5. Yoga
6. An email from my friend N. in Winnipeg
7. Watching as a few congratulations for T & L pop up on facebook
8. Glass water bottle that doesn't leak
9. putting a rejuvenating mask on my face for a while
10. knowing that I should start feeling a bit better in the next week or so again
    

Powerful

This blog post is stunning.  I came across it via a link on twitter tonight.  To be honest, I'm not even entirely certain how I feel about the death penalty.  And as much as I preach a gospel of caring for the poor, if I'm honest, the homeless and prisoners scare me, and I'll probably go out of my way to avoid contact.  And yet, these words, this article is stunning.  It hits the heart deeply and make me question yet again the things I care about.  And maybe, after all, that's the point - to stir deep consideration, and to stir prayer.

The Feast of the Conversion of St. Paul

Today is the day that the Catholic Church commemorates the conversion of Paul.

The quote on the calendar on my desk today reads, "God's love is too deep for words to express." (Blessed Mary MacKillop)

It seems to me that the conversion of Paul is like that - a stunning expression of God's love that almost defies words.

You can read a little about the feast day here.

I've just recently started receiving a daily email devotion written by Richard Rohr, who had the following to say about Paul's conversion this morning:

Every person has to come to the God experience on their own. Conversion is a foundational change in life position, perspective, and finally, one’s very identity. After the transformation God is not out there any more. You don’t look at God as a separate identity; you look out from God who lives in you and through you and with you. That is a major shift, probably the most major shift possible for humans.



Like Paul, a converted person becomes convinced that they are participating in something bigger than themselves. After conversion you know you are being used, you know you are being led, and above all you realize your life is not all about you! You are about life! It is happening inside of you and all God needs is your “yes” and your participation. It is likely the hardest yes you will ever utter, because your years of habit will all shout “not possible,” “not me,” and “not worthy.”  (Richard Rohr)
 
You look out from God who lives in and through and with you after conversion.  That is a reminder that I needed today.

Tis Monday

Monday.

Snowing.

I woke up every 2 hours last night.

The weekend wasn't particularly restful, but I did manage to cram in some down time, thankfully.

Even if it wasn't restful, it was full of joy and celebrating with T and L.

I'm going to be a sister-in-law!  How cool is that?

I'm still staring at my mostly empty calendar for the coming week and rejoicing in it.

I have a myriad of little tasks to be done at home that have been waiting for my attention.

And I have a need for rest that is also needing some attention.

It'll be a full day today at work. 

End of the month payroll is due, and that's the payroll that takes the most time.

So, I'll work, I'll drive home, I'll do yoga and make dinner, and then I'll settle down to the list for the evening, which includes some restful reflective things, and some "just need to power through it" items.

Daily 5 - Day 165

Today's Daily 5:

1. Getting to be part of the big announcement of T. & L's engagement at church this morning.
2. I'm not going to be the only girl anymore!  I don't know if I've mentioned this, but I have two brothers, and all male cousins on both sides of the family.  I am quite literally the ONLY girl.  But now I get a sister-in-law and a little extra estrogen power :)
3. Went to T's choir concert tonight - was nice to finally manage to hear them sing.  And the music always moves me.
4. It was a day where I collected lots of hugs
5. Curly hair - my hair has been well behaved lately, and I've been able to wear it curly.  I love when my hair is curly.  It always makes me feel sort of pretty.
6. Wore one of the new pairs of jeans today - I feel really good in them.
7. Lots of moments for laughter
8. Realizing that some things I was quite nervous about are actually going to be really positive changes
9. The chance to journal this morning during the sermon
10. Actually slept a bit last night for the first time in a week.
    

Exciting News

I can now officially share with all of you that I am going to be a sister-in-law.

T. proposed to L. on Friday morning, and they made a public announcement at church this morning.  I've had the privilege of being with them to celebrate several times over the course of the weekend.  To make the occasion particularly meaningful, T. brought L's parents in from Ontario for the weekend, so that they were waiting for her with our parents when he brought her back to the house after proposing.

T. asked a mentor of his from the church, a friend of our family who has a great sense of humor if he'd like to help break the news to the congregation and our friend lept at the chance.

I managed to catch the whole thing on video this morning (tough to circumspectly have a camera ready when you're not supposed to know that anything will happen to interrupt the normal flow of the service!) The quality isn't great, but you can catch the important parts - especially how thrilled this congregation that has watched T. grow up and has delighted at having him on staff with Dad for the last few years were at the news.

Another Haiti Article

I'm sitting here checking facebook and catching up on some article reading, and came across this article from the New York Times about Haiti that a friend had posted to facebook.  It's definitely worth the read.

Daily 5 - Day 164

Today's Daily 5:

1. Had a treatment this morning - hopeful that means I'll start feeling more like myself again in the next day or two.
2. Appreciated the love in my mom's eyes as I admitted some lingering irrational fears while we were doing errands together.  The love and the knowledge that she knows what it is like to have to face those fears.
3. Appreciated a conversation with a dear friend this morning too.  The words stung, but they will resonate, and help to shape my heart, and that is something that these days I find a blessing, albeit a painful one.
4. Thankful to have gotten the grocery shopping for next week done today - means I can simply be at home most evenings next week.
5. Spent a few hours clipping from magazines and listening to some podcasted radio interviews that I had a backlog of - still amazed at which things are catching my eye to clip.
6. Took a garbage bag of clothes I no longer wear to the thrift store today
7. Hamburgers and a really great Asian salad for lunch
8. Lavender in my oil burner
9. Holing up in my bedroom for the last 6 hours or so, and simply being
10. Got the budget updated - it's tight this month, but I'm going to manage to stay within it.
    

Alive, After 11 Days

Rescuers pulled a man, alive, from the rubble in Haiti today, 11 days after the earthquake.

The Call of Christ - Danita Estrella

I saw this on a friend's blog, and found the words of it stunning, and decided I really needed to share it here as well.

Saturday

At about 4:00 I curled up in my bedroom.

The plan is to be here for the rest of the day.

To deal with some budgeting and paperwork.

To read.

To write.

To pray.

To rest.

The day was full. 

A health appointment this morning with my natural health practioner.

Then errands for a while with my mom.

Then home, a quick lunch, and the spur of the moment decision to grocery shop for the week to come with my roommate.  That decision was made because I'm trying to jealously guard my free evenings in the coming week, to guard the margin space, the time for rest that I've created.  I didn't want to give up one of those evenings to a task so odious as grocery shopping at the soul-sucking mega store.

So I'm sitting here, curled up, sipping a lemon-mango fruit infusion tea, and smelling lavender burning in my oil burner.

And this is where I plan to stay, emerging only very occasionally, until bedtime.

And tonight I'm hoping for sleep, because tomorrow will also be full.

I'll be back later with the daily 5, and maybe one or two other posts as well.  See ya then!

Daily 5 - Day 163

Today's Daily 5:

1. Friday. 
2. Jeans at work.
3. Clean pajamas and sheets to crawl into at the end of the day
4. Did my hair curly for going out tonight.  Even got a compliment from my brother.  Was nice to feel like I looked pretty, even though what I was really feeling was complete emotional and physical exhaustion.
5. Got a great text message today.
6. Have an alternative living plan sort of in place (needs some refining) if I end up not finding a roommate and needing to move.
7. Enjoyed being with my family tonight
8. Collected lots of hugs.
9. Big family milestone moment
10. loving the glass water bottle I purchased this week.
11. (Bonus!) Hamburger for supper - but homemade.
    

Looking at Blank Calendar Squares

There are exactly 4 hours left until my weekend begins.

I'm half-way through Friday.

Not that I'm counting or anything.

Because even though this weekend promises to be full, at least it's a weekend.

I'm hoping to get my groove back a little.

To catch some rest.

And do some laughing.

I looked at my calendar for next week this morning, and it is blessedly empty.

Only house church on the schedule.

I'm sure I'll fill it in with a few bits and pieces.

But mostly I'm glad for a week to just spend evenings at home.

Resting.

Cleaning.

Organizing.

Because it really does look like I'll be moving at the end of February.

And I'd like to get a head start on that a bit.

To go through a few things that I've been intending to go through since the last move.

Some magazines.  (Clipping things I want to keep, recycling the rest.)

Some files.

Some notes from university.

That's probably how I'll spend the evenings next week.

Wrapped in a blanket, with a cup of tea, propped up against pillows, surrounded by paper.

Doesn't sound too bad, really.

Choosing Thanks

I'm very tired this morning.

Sleep was a bit fleeting again.  It has been most of this week.

And it's been a busy week, and it's going to be busier as I hit the weekend.

It's snowing again, but I drove to work anyway.  I simply couldn't face the added coordination of myself that it would take to get myself and my roommate (with no warning) to the train.  I'm hoping it sticks to the "light snow" that's forecasted, and that trying to get home tonight isn't a disaster.  I need to get home for a while in between work and plans to spend the evening with family.  If I don't make it home, I won't have bedding tonight, and I'll be moving four tires out of my trunk in the quest to find the sleeping bag that's buried somewhere in the back.  I put all of my sheets in the washer this morning, and if I don't get home, they won't make it to the dryer.  I'd definitely prefer to not have to go through the rummaging through my trunk to find a sleeping bag scenario.

I'm choosing thankfulness this morning.

I mentioned in last night's daily 5 post that driving home from house church after a long conversation with a new friend about the challenges I've dealt with for the last two years, that I was thinking about something she'd shared a few months back.  She'd talked about the process of being refined, and it struck me deeply.  Driving home last night it hit me in a fresh way that despite some of the rather hellish relational and health struggles that I've had for the last two years, I don't think I'd trade away those things if I also lost the changes within me.  It has been a fight that at times I wasn't sure I'd survive.  But I am surviving.  And I realized in a fresh way last night that I am emerging from this into new places, and that I like the person that I've become and am becoming.  I really like her.  And for me, that's huge, and hope giving and life giving.  To really like this person God is shaping me into.

So this morning, despite really cranky people in the office, and my own exhaustion, I'm choosing to be thankful  Thankful for the friend who listened to my story.  Thankful for her words a month or so back about being refined.  Thankful for the changes I'm sensing in myself, and the hope that they're giving.  And maybe even thankful for all of the really painful things (not quite sure I'm there yet), because they have been the things that have formed and birthed these changes within me.

Daily 5 - Day 162

Today's Daily 5:

1. Eating together as a house group - how fun to share a meal we'd all contributed to, and laugh and talk while enjoying it with some nice wine.
2. A long conversation with S. a new friend.  It was special for me to have the chance to share some of the story of the challenging last two years of my life to someone who chose to simply listen attentively.  I was really grateful for that actually.
3. now have replacement glass water bottles for the two original flawed ones.
4. Thinking about a line from an audio book I've been listening to, a mother speaking to her daughter, "you deserve to love yourself."  Thinking about the conversations similar to that where a dear friend has spoken those things to me.  Realizing that I'm slowly falling in love with life again, and that I'm beginning to feel excited about the person that I've become and am becoming in the midst of these difficult years.
5. Thankful that in a week that has presented a few health challenges, I've been able to manage a relatively busy schedule without the complete exhaustion and emotional collapse that has sometimes happened.  Yes, I'm exhausted, but I'm hopeful and peaceful.  That is progress.  It's small, but for me, tonight, worth celebrating.
   

A few more links

Steve Bell wrote another very good post on Haiti, and included some simple, creative ways to help.

Anne Jackson (I know, I've been linking to her a lot lately, but I've been really appreciating her posts) wrote a post about forgiveness and reconciliation.  Those are topics I've thought a lot about due to some pretty intense relational hurdles that have come up in a whole variety of areas of my life the last two years.  They're issues that I've spent hours prayerfully considering, that I've shed tears over, that I've had a myriad of conversations about, and that I still often feel like I'll never have a handle on.  I've learned a lot about forgiveness, and I appreciated Anne's comments about it being unilateral.  I've also come to believe that even when it seems the most crazy thing imaginable, my heart still longs for reconciliation.  I think it's a God-longing.  Jesus prayed for unity in his body on earth just before going to the cross, and somehow, I feel like that longing is one that's been embedded in my heart as well.  In the way that Ecclesiastes says that Eternity has been put in the hearts of men.

Kitchen Essentials

I've been doing a lot of dreaming lately.

One of the things I've been thinking about is what things I would like to eventually buy for my kitchen.  Pots and pans, appliances, whatever.

I increasingly love to cook, and try new recipes, and I've been thinking about what high quality, one-time purchase type items I'd like to have someday.

It's mostly dreaming.  I'm still very focused on paying down my debts, and managing to save some money for the future, but I'm thinking about what things I'd like to eventually make carefully planned (paid in full upfront) purchases of down the road.

And it's got me wondering - what do you have in your kitchen that you can't live without?  What would be on your dream kitchen list?  I'd love to hear!

Foggy, with signs of hope

Usually I can see downtown and the mountains from my office window.  Today all I can see is thick white fog.  It descended last night, and remains this morning.

I woke, though, oddly hopeful and prayerful this morning, perhaps a remnant from last night's benefit concert.

I was grateful, too, to realize that I'd mostly slept between somewhere a little after midnight when I fell into bed after arriving home later, and 6 or so this morning.  Sleep has been an immense rarity this week, and it is nice to wake, even after a short night, somewhat rested.

And really, I was so encouraged to see the body of Christ in action last night.  About 2000 people were in attendance at the benefit concert.  Together, we donated $115,000.  Which the government of Canada will match.  How impressive is that?  I was so incredibly moved to hear that number, not because of the money, but because of the hearts it represents.  2000 or so people who have chosen not to look away, who have chosen to give because they believe that Jesus loves Haiti, and that as his body, we need to love Haiti too.  Wow.  I've been encouraged all week as I've followed blogs and a few facebook groups, and have seen people step up, but for me, there was something special in seeing that united effort - people from across the city's churches coming together to bless the broken.

I'm storing that feeling within me - that incredible hope and unity.  Unity has been something that has been central to much brokenness that I've experienced, and for me it was incredibly restorative to see it exist, instead of being shredded, so I'm choosing to hold that within me.

It may still be a foggy journey, but there are signs of hope.

Daily 5 - Day 161

Today's Daily 5:

1. Thankful, actually, to have made it through the day.  It was definitely one of those "push through, hard slogging" kind of days, and I'm really thankful to be at the end of it and in okay (if exhausted) shape.
2. Safe driving home tonight in the fog - I came out from the event I was attending to discover super thick pea soup like fog blanketing the entire city.  I had to drive a friend home in an unfamiliar neighborhood, and was quite grateful for safe driving.  Things like thick fog are really challenging for me as they make it a whole lot harder to compensate for my limited depth perception.
3. A smooth exchange process for the two water bottles I purchased yesterday, both of which turned out to have flaws.  I have one new one, and a refund for the second, since they only had one more in stock.
4. Some interesting thoughts and conversations about my living situation, a potential new living situation, and another potentially financially wise opportunity.
5. Haiti Benefit Concert tonight.  If you're my facebook friend, and live in or near Calgary, you likely heard about this from me.  For me, it was sort of a gift to let Haiti, which has so underlied my thoughts all week, simply be my focus for the evening.  To listen to some stories from a Calgarian team from Compassion Canada that landed only an hour before the quake, and from a Haitian woman living in Calgary.  To let the songs flow over me and lift my prayers.  To let Haiti be at the forefront tonight, instead of the "one more thing" underlying everything else going on in my life.  And Calgary - you showed up!  Way to pack that church out, and way to give.  $115,000 was raised tonight for the work of Samaritan's Purse in Haiti, and those funds will be matched by the Canadian governement!  $230,000 dollars!  That number made my night.  Well, to be honest, it made my night to simply be in a room with people who cared, but I was so impressed at how much the church stepped up.  It gave me such a great deal of hope in the church and humanity that I don't always have, and that has left me deeply impacted tonight.  So thankful, too, for the artists like Steve Bell and Carolyn Arends that flew in, and all the others that donated their time to pull this event off so well on such short notice.  It was a beautiful evening.
   

The Adorable Babies A.

Last week I got to hang out with a few adorable baby girls, and their parents.  I think I could definitely grow into this happily doting and cuddling "Aunt Lisa" role!

Let me show you the babies "A".

 

 

 

Things I Liked

This post at Brian's blog was needed encouragement today.  Just hang on.

This post at Marko's blog made me happy.  I loved Sara Miles' first book and can't wait to order this new one and add it to my reading list for the year.

I liked the video in this post at Pete Wilson's blog too.  Fun question: If you could have anything happen by the end of today, what would you choose?

The Whole Earth Groans

I feel like that this morning.

Like I can feel the whole earth groaning.

I hardly slept last night.

In the little time I was asleep, I had an incredibly vivid and intense dream.  A dream about a situation I've been part of for a long time now.

I woke from this dream stunned, and lay for a few moments in the dark, praying desperately.

The first thing I do when I wake is check emails.

The first email I read this morning informed me that at 6:00 this morning, Haiti was hit with a 6.1 magnitude aftershock.

That stunned me all over again.

For a week now it's been like I've been feeling the groans of the Haitians in my spirit.

I feel them still today, maybe even stronger.

I "twitched" this morning.  A weird "spiritual" remnant from my trip overseas, but one that doesn't often happen these days.  (A fact for which I am oh so thankful.)

The day promises to be an incredibly intense one anyway.

Some health challenges again.

Full schedule at work.

Meeting a friend going through the challenge of watching her mother sucuumb to cancer.

And then attending a benefit concert for Haiti.

A later night than I can usually manage.

All on minimal sleep.

I feel the groaning of the whole earth this morning.

I feel that groaning within my own spirit.

And I am reminded again of the verse I was working to memorize a day or two ago "For I know that as you pray for me, and the Spirit of Jesus Christ helps me, this will lead to my deliverance."  Pray, trust the help of the Spirit, and be free.  That is how I'm going to live this groaning day.

Aftershocks

There were intense aftershocks this morning in Haiti.

BBC article here.

Blog post from a family living in Haiti here.

Daily 5 - Day 160

Today's Daily 5:

1. Day 160!  How cool is that?
2. Laughing through a conversation with my roommate tonight.  I've been pretty stressed out lately, and feeling pretty irritated with her, so it was nice to just laugh and talk for a while.
   
3. actually getting stuff done off my list, without getting too stressed out.  (did a bit more purging of stuff - some shoes this time...)
4. Working on a notebook that I'm going to use for lists, and for organizing and sort of tracking some of my goals for the year
5. dreaming about ways to live more simply, and greenly
6. searching my heart and being a bit surprised at what some of the priorities in it are right now
7. got another yoga workout in
8. found two glass waterbottles today - hoping to make the switch from plastic.  really hoping they're durable... will have to see!
9. Got a bit of reading in, and actually have a list of some books that I want to go through in audio form.
10. really thankful for a night off.  no social stuff.  wasn't my turn to cook dinner.  so nice to just work my way through the things I needed to do, but slowly.
    

The New Recipes Challenge

One of the goals for 2010 that I mentioned at the beginning of the year was that I would cook at least 2 new recipes a month in an effort to expand my repertoire a bit.

So far, I've managed to make three new recipes, and I have photographic proof!

Steak with Spinach Couscous

Hasselbeck Potatoes

Feta Chicken with Zuchini

Hippo

Bet you thought this was going to be another post about one of my multiple visits to the zoo, huh?  Nope it's the latest quiz result.  Apparently the African animal that I am most like is the hippo!  And, while no woman likes to be told she's a hippo, the description really did make me chuckle.  Because quite a lot of it is uncannily accurate!

You Are a Hippo

You are sensitive and deep. You have a spiritual side to you that's hard to deny. You naturally bring out the best in people. You are a true healer. You have a strong power over others. You've learned to harness this power to make their lives better. You tend to have intense dreams where important things are revealed to you.

What African Animal Are You?

Blogthings: Learn Something Surprising About Yourself

Random Thoughts

My thoughts are all over the place this morning.

I'm thinking largely about Haiti.  And praying.

I'm thinking about being a better steward.  Of my finances.  Of the environment.  Of my time and energy.

I'm thinking about hope.  And broken hope, restored.  A dear friend once mailed me a resin plaque that forms the word "hope".  It arrived with the letter "h" broken off.  I carefully glued it back together, and unless you know precisely where to look, it's impossible to see the broken place.  It's become a symbol for us.  Broken hope restored.  And it's the cry of my heart this morning too.

I'm thinking about health.  And healing.  And praying for increase of that.  For so many I care about.

And I'm thinking about the day and days ahead.  The things they're full with.  The moments that aren't yet filled, but will be.

And in the midst of all these scattered thoughts, I'm quietly praying, and longing.

On Haiti

Tomorrow night I'll be attending a benefit concert for Haiti relief.  If you're in Calgary, and interested in attending, let me know and I'll give you the details. The funds raised go to the work of Samaritans Purse and Compassion

In the meantime, Steve Bell had a great article about Haiti on his blog this morning.

And these two headlines caught my attention:

Plush Golf Club Houses 50,000 Refugees

Floating Hospital Provides Succour for Few

Daily 5 - Day 159

Today's Daily 5:

1. totally random Olympic Torch experience.  Not sure yet if it's annoying or just funny, especially since I really wanted to avoid seeing it for a lot of reasons.  But I did have to laugh at the irony of trying to avoid it and then being right next to one of the transfers.
2. Made another new recipe tonight and it turned out fairly well.
3. Got a treatment from my mom.  Hoping that will help me sleep tonight, and balance out some of the other health stuff until I see my regular practitioner on Saturday.
4. Managed to fit a bit of reading in while trying to convince my computer that it wanted to stay connected to the internet, and not only stay connected (wireless is finicky tonight), but upload photos.  (Watch for some more photo posts in the days to come.)  Was really glad to at least get the reading in though.
   
5. Pleased to be at verse nineteen in my memorization.  Also pleased that the memorization is very much a forced meditation on the scripture, and I am getting the chance to consider Philippians verse by verse in a way I never would have.

Olypmic Torch

To be really honest, I knew the Torch relay was passing near where I lived today, and I knew it was going to be happening right around rush hour when I would be driving home, and I was desperately hoping to avoid the whole kit and kaboodle. 

Instead, I got totally stuck in traffic.  And not just stuck in traffic.  Basically parked.  About 10 feet from one of the spots where a Torch relay exchange was happening.  Since I had my camera in my purse, I took a few photos.

Waiting for her turn to carry the flame

almost there - see it coming?

the handoff

and she starts running too.

Tips on Simplifying

It's no secret around here that for the last several months I've been aggressively using a budget, and trying to simplify life a little bit to get my finances under control and eventually give me more freedom to do the things I'm really passionate about.

I've been following all sorts of blogs with tips on living simply, being environmentally friendly, handling money wisely, and living generously.

I've also been personally convicted the last little while of a need to revamp what I am able to give financially.  Especially since, at the moment, my health is preventing me from committing a huge amount of my time to service projects.

In any case, I appreciated this post at Anne Jackson's blog this morning, dealing with some of these issues. 

My one added tip, that I left in her comments:  If you're struggling with credit card debt, look into getting a bank loan or line of credit and pay off your credit card with this.  You'll likely pay far less interest, and that means you'll pay down what you owe much more quickly.  I recently did this and am now paying less than half the interest rate that I was paying the credit card companies.

Someone asked me the other day about my student loans, but the interest I pay the government on the student loans is even lower than what I am now paying the bank.  Plus, that interest is tax deductible.  So, for the moment, I'm going to maintain my current student loan payments, and send most of my extra cash towards paying down the line of credit that now holds my other accumulated debt.

Oh, one other great tip for those of you who live in Canada and have been collecting HBC rewards points at The Bay, Zellers, and Home Outfitters for years.  I recently checked my points balance and realized that I had accumulated enough points that I could trade them in for a $25 online Chapters credit and a $10 gift card for Itunes.  I'm saving them for a month when money is a little bit tight and it will feel good to buy something just for me.  There's nothing quite like the feeling of a guilt-free book and music purchase!

The Sandwich Test

This one really made me chuckle.  I love turkey sandwiches.  And as for mortal enemies, in the sandwich world, tuna would most definitely be at the top of the list.  I am also very introverted and mostly prefer to blend in.

You Are a Turkey Sandwich

Conservative and a bit shy, you tend to stick with what you know and trust. You are very introverted, and you prefer to blend in whenever possible. Though you may be hard to know well, anyone who does know you considers you a true friend. Your best friend: The Ham Sandwich Your mortal enemy: The Tuna Fish Sandwich

What Kind of Sandwich Are You?

Blogthings: Take a Quiz. Annoy Your Friends.

Verse 19

It is most definitely Monday.

I pretty much didn't sleep last night.

I knew that I might be in trouble when, an hour after taking the supplement that lets me sleep, I was still wide awake.  It usually knocks me out within 20-30 minutes.

I got up this morning and realized my face had decided to explode overnight.  A zit.  Which is no big deal since I usually get them around the edges of my face, where my hair hides them, and since they're usually pretty little.  Nope.  Right between my cheek and my chin.  And volcanic.  Lovely.

I'm also having crazy symptoms again as I work out the finer points of figuring out how to balance my totally out of whack body chemistry. 

So.  It's Monday.

It's taken an hour and a half, but I feel like I've mostly organized myself, and have a sense of what needs to be accomplished at work, and what needs to be accomplished at home this week.  That's a good thing.

I'm still working on memorizing Philippians.  (That, you'll recall, was one of my goals for 2010 - finish the project I began late in 2009 of memorizing the entire book by the of 2010.)

There are 104 verses in Philippians.  I have now memorized about 19.  That works out to about 18 percent for those of you who are counting.  (I'm counting!)

This morning I worked on verse 19 as I drove to work.  (My strategy for memorizing involves an audio bible and my morning commute.  I find this works for me, repeating it alone, and with the audio bible, and that it helps my mindset for the day to spend that 20 minutes or so focusing on scripture intensely.)

Meditating on the verse I'm working on for the day, or the entire portion of the book I'm running through is unavoidable due to constant repitition, and this morning I find myself caught by verse 19:  "For I know that as you pray for me and the Spirit of Jesus Christ helps me, this will lead to my deliverance."

Such confidence.  You pray, Jesus will help, and I'll be okay.  Paul was in prison when he wrote that.  Knowing that he likely wasn't getting out, and his life would likely end.

Somehow, that's sticking with me this morning, as I consider some challenges that exist in my life.  Others pray (and I know of many who lift me in prayer, thank you!), the Spirit of Jesus will help me, and I'll be delivered.  That is a very comforting way to start an off-kilter Monday.

Tragic Numbers

At least 70,000 have already been buried as death toll climbs...

The numbers hurt my heart.

Daily 5 - Day 158

Today's Daily 5:

1. A slow Sunday
2. Grocery shopping is done for the week - I asked my roommate if we could please do this today, so that I can free up an evening this week, recognizing that I need to have a bit of down time this week.
3. Used a kit and made tandoori beef and basmati rice tonight.  It was actually pretty tasty.  Indian food can be totally hit and miss for me.  I tend to really like the idea of it, and then sit down to eat it and realize that while I love the idea, and even some of the smells, I don't always love the taste.  It was nice to have the idea and the taste mesh tonight.  Plus, the kit was a bonus points item at Sobeys yesterday.  About $4 for the kit, and I got 40 bonus points, which translates to 20 aeroplan miles.  (Have I mentioned I'm eager to travel again???)
4. Yoga.  I was in the midst of a downward funk this morning and needed to do something to distract myself.  I chose to do a yoga workout and then take a long shower.  It helped.
5. Finishing a book.  I mentioned that in my previous post, but I've been reading this particular book off and on for a number of months and it was sort of a goal for the weekend to finish it up.  I was really pleased to accomplish that goal, and also that the book really did remind me to continue thinking joyfully and choosing differently.
6. Playing the worship service from a church I follow online while I worked in the kitchen tonight.  Love that the internet lets me have church come to my kitchen.
7. Did a crossword puzzle online.  Love the challenge of sorting out words.  I feel like it's good for reawakening my mental capacities.
8. I actually had a very productive day, and still managed to rest.
9. Painting my fingernails and toenails.
10. A clean bedroom for the coming week.
11. (bonus!) The scent of lavender from my oil burner.  I've been burning it in large doses lately, and loving how beautiful my bedroom has been smelling because of it.
    

2009 Reading List

As I've done in previous years, I'm moving the reading list from the recently ended year out of my sidebar and into a blog post where I can refer to it in the future. 


I finished my first book of 2010 tonight (even if I did read a fairly large portion of it in 2009 - I count it for the year it's finished in), and that means it is time for the annual migration of old list to a post, and new list into place in the sidebar.


I use this list as a way of tracking my goal of reading/finishing (or listening to the unabridged version) of at least 1 non-fiction book a month.  I made the goal last year, and feel like I'm off to a decent start for this year.

2009 Reading Completed (Most Recent First)

• Awed to Heaven, Rooted in Earth: Prayers of Walter Bruggemann
• Bent Hope: A Street Journal (Tim Huff)
• Sin Boldly: A Field Guide for Grace (Cathleen Falsani)
• A Million Miles in a Thousand Years: What I Learned While Editing My Life (Donald Miller)
• Julie & Julia (Julie Powell)
• Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith (Anne Lamott)
• Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life (Anne Lamott)
• Angry Conversations with God (Audio Version - Susan E. Isaacs)
• Angry Conversations with God: A Snarky but Authentic Spiritual Memoir (Susan E. Isaacs)
• Laughing Without An Accent (Audio Version - Firoozeh Dumas)
• Funny in Farsi (Audio Version - Firoozeh Dumas)
• Take This Bread: A Radical Conversion (Sara Miles)
• Places Along the Way (Martin E. Marty)
• Journeying Through Lent with Luke (Nancy Koester)
• The Year of Living Biblically (Audio Version - A.J. Jacobs)
• Between the Dreaming & The Coming True (Robert Benson)

Tired

I had really good intentions of making today productive.

But, it seems upon waking and doing a couple quick and necessary errands, that it's likely going to be a day to just recover.

This last week took a toll on me.

I wasn't necessarily wise in managing my time commitments, and was out nearly every night of the week.

My body can't do that yet.

I'm so grateful for the chances I had to be with friends.  They were life-giving, each in their own ways.

But I said yes to too many things.  I knew it was a risk, and I decided to take it.

It angers me in moments like these that my health is still not where I want it to be.  That I function like a funny old lady, needing to stay at home more often than not.

I try to remind myself that six months ago even being committed one night a week was too much.  Now I can manage house church and one other social thing on a weeknight.  It's progress.  It just doesn't always feel like enough progress.

So, today will likely be for reflecting, praying, and hopefully resting.

A little bit of yoga if my shoulder is up to it (still pretty sore from falling down that flight of stairs).

And grocery shopping later, simply so that I can have a free evening in this coming week.

And maybe some cleaning and reordering of things.  Because sometimes that is the best way I know how to pray.

Daily 5 - Day 157

I know I started this morning by saying I was pondering some good thoughts, and I'd likely be back later to share them.

Oops.

I had the best kind of Saturday.  A little bit of time with my family.  A few successful errands.  A lot of quiet time alone in the house (I actually really needed that after the week I've had.)  Some reading.  Some creative stuff.  It was good.

I'm still pondering those good thoughts.  Maybe I'll write about them tomorrow.  We'll see.  I want to let them settle within me for a while and make themselves at home before I share them with the world.

So, in the meantime, here's today's daily 5:

1. Got the oil in George changed.  My brother J. is out of work at the moment and agreed to change the oil for me for what I normally pay my mechanic.  It thrilled me to have that item off of my to do list.
2. Hung out with T for a while.  Fun to talk with him, and then with our dad and J. as well about our lives and changes coming for us.
3. Love dollar days at Sobeys.  Contrary to popular belief, I actually don't hate grocery shopping, I just have a strong dislike for the store that we shop at on a weekly basis.  Sobeys has a much better atmosphere, and they had a sale this week.  Things like 3lbs of bacon for the price of one.  Sweet deal.  I went this morning and stocked up on a number of items.
4. I very consciously spent about 40 minutes reading this afternoon.  Lately, reading for me has been in kind of snatched moments here and there (I actually do a lot of reading in the bathroom!)  It was nice to spend 40 straight minutes working through a book I'm trying to finish.  It was better still that God was speaking and encouraging my heart in what I was reading.
5. I spent a good chunk of the afternoon clipping words, pictures, articles and recipes out of magazines so that I could recycle everything I don't need from the magazines.  It was so relaxing to sit and clip things, and sort of enlightening, too, to consider which words and phrases are catching my attention right now, and to consider how those reflect shifts in how I'm dealing with life, and the desires of my heart for the coming year and beyond.
6. I woke up this morning with this spot running through my mind.  I heard about it in an audio book I'm working my way through, and think that this is a place I'd really love to visit.  Anyone want to make a trip to Turkey with me?
7. the color pink
8. oil burner with lavender and lavender scented candles lit all around my house today.
9. organic dried pineapple - tasty!
10. playing a few games online... fun way to turn my brain off for a bit.
    

Apparently I'm a Thinker (The Book Test)

The idea that I'm a thinker is news to exactly no one who's ever met me.  (Though one person did read something I wrote once and come up to me and ask where on earth it came from, because I was quite quiet and reserved, and she'd sort of made the assumption that there was little beyond the surface in me.  That conversation has amused me ever since...)

In any case, here are the latest quiz results to make me chuckle...

You Are a Thinker

You tend to have your feet on the ground. You think about what's actual, and you love facts. You are a rational person. You like to think through ideas, and you like the thoughts that books spark. You are a person with a few deep interests. If you're drawn to something, you learn everything about it. You are a person who values your possessions. You tend to have fewer things but of higher quality.

The Book Test

Blogthings: Free Quizzes for Everyone

Come Church Arise

www.lovehaiti.com from Joe Jones on Vimeo.