Daily 5 - Day 110

Today's Daily 5:

1. getting home in one piece, and roads that weren't nearly as icy as Friday's disaster
2. quiet evening at home
3. a budget strategy that is still working for me
4. sitting quietly with lit candles
5. pondering the stories of homeless youth in the book I'm currently reading (more on this to come sometime soon)
6. yoga workout followed by a hot shower
7. a few handfuls of peanut m&m's
8. Jeremiah 20:7-9
9. Enjoying an evening of having the house to myself
10. Watching the movie "August Rush" while I sewed buttons and updated my budget. Such a beautiful movie. Such beautiful music and art.
    

Quiet (Slow Recovery)

I made it in one piece to my parent's house, though it took far longer than it normally would.

Thankfully the roads were more sloppy than icy today, though I drove through nearly white-out conditions at times with the falling and blowing snow.

Then off to pick up George. (He's in one piece, and much more driveable with winter tires.)

Home.

Yoga and a hot shower.

Then dinner comprised of leftover pizza, and an evening of quiet.

There are candles lit, and I'm doing the little things that need to be done.

Sewing buttons.

Updating a budget.

Quiet things.

It's a slow recovery from the drain of the last week and the weekend.

And I am grateful for an evening that will allow quiet and a slow recovery.

Snowing

It's snowing, and has been for several hours.

The roads that I can see from my office window don't look too bad, and we thankfully didn't have rain or wet snow first, to coat the roads with ice the way they were on Friday.

Who knows how long it'll take me to get home today. Or more accurately, to my parent's house, since I need to return their vehicle and then get a ride to go and pick up George from the mechanic.

I'm leaving the office a bit early, so hopefully that will help.

From Miscellaneous Emails

Because I am a collector of words and quotes and history, I'm on quite a few daily email lists. Here are a few bits and pieces from the last few days...

A quote from Mother Teresa: "Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing." (I think I'll try to smile a little more often...)

I liked this paragraph of thoughts that appeared in today's "Saint of the Day" email, about St. Andrew, one of the apostles. "As in the case of all the apostles except Peter and John, the Gospels give us little about the holiness of Andrew. He was an apostle. That is enough. He was called personally by Jesus to proclaim the Good News, to heal with Jesus' power and to share his life and death. Holiness today is no different. It is a gift that includes a call to be concerned about the Kingdom, an outgoing attitude that wants nothing more than to share the riches of Christ with all people." (I like this description of holiness...)

Sleep, panic, and into the week...

Last week was really hard. The weekend was also hard. This week is not looking much better, though there are thankfully quite a few less plans for my evenings this week, meaning it is likely that I will be able to at least hibernate through the evenings to catch up on my mental and emotional drain.

I fell asleep last night amidst tearful whispered prayers. "Jesus I just can't stand in that gap, I can't pray tonight, I can't be that intercessor tonight. I will, you know I will, but can I please just have one night off? One night of sleep without dreaming or hours of waking to pray in ways I don't quite understand?"

I'm thankful that I was, in fact, able to sleep for several hours without dreaming or the intensity of prayer. I would have been okay if it hadn't happened, but I was oh so thankful it did.

The forecast for tonight is similar to Friday night's havoc creating weather. I read that and panic rose within me. I'm still shaky from Friday evening, and I am hoping that tonight will be nothing at all like that. I am still pushing away the panic, reminding myself that I am shielded and protected, and, more practically, that we won't know what the weather will be like until the time to drive home comes at the end of the day, and what will I gain by worrying? Panic is not a particularly practical thing, nor does it respond well to the practical, but I am fighting it with every tool at my disposal today, and the practical is one of them.

And so another week begins. Another week of choosing differently. Of fighting to be joyful. Of choosing life. And it is not at all easy, but perhaps it will grow easier with time, as patterns change and habits shift. And in the meantime, I'll somehow summon the energy to continue to fight for it. To fight for me.

Daily 5 - Day 109

It's another day with a 9 in the counting of it. Two actually, if you consider that it is not only day 109 of these daily 5 lists, but also the 29th of November.

This has been an incredibly challenging weekend. Full of fears and facing fears, and standing in the midst of them. Some things that are good. Some that were just hard. I've been fighting tears all day. Not because of anything in particular, but simply because I am completely and totally spent. The entirety of last week was full and busy, one of the busiest in weeks. It was one of the hardest weeks at my office in months, and the weekend was very, very full of challenges. And I am reminding myself that it is okay to be spent after a time like that. That even a "normal" person would be spent, and that my health and energy levels are still compromised from two straight years of intensity, and I am only slowly recovering, and that it is okay to simply be tired today.

And so, I'm writing a daily "5" (not sure how many I'll accumulate today), and reminding myself of the moments of joy, the moments or things that made me smile, touched my heart deeply in some way, or for which I am deeply grateful:

1. I attended mass tonight at the cathedral downtown, as I sometimes do. It was lovely to sit again in the midst of quiet ritual and let the liturgy flow over me. I arrived about half an hour early, and sat in the quiet, prayerful church, fingering the rosary I bought nearly two years ago now at the Vatican, and letting my heart slowly quiet and seek out Jesus.
2. I was moved deeply by the older Indian lady who sat next to me during mass. Moved as I noticed her devotion, the way she fingered her rosary and wiped tears from her eyes as she knelt to pray after receiving the Eucharist.
3. I was moved by this post, these prayers, at shallowfrozenwater today.
4. I am thankful for the prayers of a friend last night. We've never spoken of the promise of shielding me that Jesus made to me a while back. Of the those things, but as we prayed together last night, and he prayed for me, he prayed simply that Jesus would teach me how to hold my shield. Words that spoke deeply to my heart, since he couldn't know of the promise they touched on.
5. I'm thankful for "The Feast of Seasons" - Steve Bell's Advent/Christmas album. Years of working in retail have left me with mostly disgust for Christmas music, but this album soothes the soul whenever I play it, at any time of year, but particularly as advent begins.
6. I'm thankful for the arrival of Advent (though I suppose I dread the pull of it as well). For the new year in the church calendar that it enters in.
7. I'm thankful for the moments where I am slowly learning to be gentle with myself. To not berate myself for simply wanting to fall apart in exhaustion. To not succumbing to overwhelming fear in the moments when I am so exhausted and teary and broken that those things mark something larger, perhaps a return of depression, rather than simply being the results of an incredibly challenging week.
8. I'm thankful that my parents live nearby, and were willing to loan me a car for the day tomorrow while George is being repaired, making in unnecessary for me to triple the length of my commute by taking public transit.
9. I'm thankful for a short chat with my brother this afternoon, laughing about his school work, and just generally enjoying a few minutes of each other's company.
10. I'm thankful that I made it to number 10 on this list! That there were 10 things that moved me or made me smile or made my heart thankful today. So many days it is such a challenge to find those 10, and today, despite the exhaustion was relatively easy, and that, too, is a blessing.
    

2500

I sort of feel like my 25ooth post should be something deeply profound.

But, I've got nothing.

I had a rough night again, full of dreams and prayers and odd experiences, and I'm feeling unsettled, uneasy, and just generally uncertain of what this day will hold.

I'm headed out shortly to attend another cooking demonstration.

The plans for after that are pretty low key, though sometime, late this afternoon, I'll drive to my parents, pick up my winter tires, and then one of them will follow me to the mechanic I use, where I'll drop off George to spend tomorrow being repaired, and borrow a vehicle from my parents so that my trip to and from work tomorrow is still smooth as well.

Other than that, I'm debating the possibility of attending mass tonight at the cathedral I sometimes go to. It's the first Sunday of Advent (more thoughts on that later, perhaps) and I am feeling drawn towards mass and remembering and preparing again.

Daily 5 - Day 108

I'm really tired. It was a unique day. A unique evening. I think I'll stick to just 5 tonight again...

1. I'm thankful for good sales at Sobeys
2. I'm thankful for my friend J. who has been through all sorts of things together, and for time spent praying together with him tonight
3. I'm thankful for eyes that see differently
4. I'm thankful for lessons learned in the midst of pain, for the growing ability to stand, and for the odd places where healing is breaking out.
5. I'm thankful for a reminder prayed by J. tonight of the shield promise spoken over my life
   

Into the Evening

I'm heading into the evening, uncertain what it will hold, other than that I will get to enjoy the company of a long time good friend, and that for that, I am grateful.

We have a plan, but when we have plans, they rarely turn out as planned.

So I'm headed into the evening, and we'll see how it goes from there.

An Icy Drive

I had a pretty rough night, full of bad dreams.

Mostly dreams having to do with icy roads and sliding vehicles and terrible accidents.

At least I don't have to wonder why those were muddled around in my subconsious. The five hours I spent in a vehicle last night watching sliding vehicles, near misses, and a few accidents quite nicely explains that.

I will not be driving anywhere today unless it is absolutely necessary.

We had freezing rain yesterday that coated the roads, and then froze, turning roads into skating rinks, making hills impassable, and generally creating traffic chaos.

I've never liked driving to begin with. I do it because, well, it's convenient, and Calgary's public transit system is so very not.

I got my "learner's license" at 16. (Two years later than you're first legally allowed to obtain it.) I only finally got a full fledged license days before my twenty first birthday, motivated simply by the fact that the learners was going to expire and I didn't want to pay to renew it, and then pay again a short time later for a new license.

My new license was what Alberta calls a "graduated" license. I held that for a full five years, until this past summer, just days before my 26th birthday, where I scheduled a second road test to get rid of the conditions. Again, the motivation was simply that my license was going to expire, and I figured it was as good a time as any to take the test, rather than paying to renew a license and then paying several months later to upgrade it.

Winter driving is definitely my least favorite, and often leaves me shaky. Though I've seen terrible roads, I've not, in the years I've been driving, seen roads as icy as they were last night.

It doesn't help that my first accident ever happened because of winter road conditions. Or, that, months later, when I was finally able to get behind the wheel without feeling a surge of panic, I was driving home from a friend's rural home, hit some black ice at a notorious location on a major highway, and did a 360 degree spin in my rental car, starting in the right lane of traffic, and ending just barely on the road on the left shoulder. It was only by the grace of God that I wasn't hit by oncoming traffic. I drove for two more hours to get home that night, through terrible conditions. And then, last winter, after another heavy snowfall, I again hit some black ice on a major city road, and slid quite nicely into a guard rail, banging up the front end of my car, but again, thankfully, not getting hurt, or hitting any other vehicles.

So five hours (even if I was only the driver for two) on severely icy roads last night wasn't that helpful.

We've had a mild winter so far, and budgetary concerns have meant that I delayed having my winter tires put on. They're going on on Monday (only two days from now!), along with a few other repairs I've been waiting to have done. So I was driving on old, slightly bald summer tires on the iciest road conditions I've ever seen for two hours last night.

And, since Calgary doesn't salt, plow, or sand residential roads, and I live at the top of a hill, I won't be going anywhere by car until we have a bit of a thaw (predicted for tomorrow). My dad managed to get my car from the spot I'd temporarily abandoned it last night, to a safe parking spot in front of my house, and it is going to stay there until the roads thaw. I'll take transit to the one or two places it is absolutely necessary for me to go today. Because anything is better than getting behind the wheel again on those roads. I relived them all through the night, I have no desire to relive them in my waking reality today.

Daily 5 - Day 107

I think I'm only going to write 5 today, not 10 the way I have been... it's not that it was a bad day, just very, very long, and the things I'm grateful for are large and simple tonight.

1. I'm thankful to have made it home in one piece. On an evening where the roads were like skating rinks, it took me two hours to drive to meet my parents, I had to abandon my car because I couldn't get it up an icy hill, and then we spent three more hours trying to get to my brother's Christmas choir concert before finally giving up (turns out only 11 choir members made it there either!), going so my dad could rescue my car, and get both me and George home, I'm just grateful that there weren't any accidents, and I was incredibly relieved to be out of a moving vehicle and in the safety of my own house.
2. I'm thankful for three hours in a car with my parents. Lots of chatting and catching up.
3. I'm thankful for the changes in my body that let me know that I'd missed dinner while sitting in a car for five hours. It used to be that my appetite was so suppressed that I didn't even notice if I skipped a meal. While I was by no means starving, I was definitely hungry by the time I finally made it home tonight.
4. I'm thankful that there are almost no plans for tomorrow that are pressing, and that the few that are somewhat pressing can be accomplished with relative ease via public transit.
5. I'm thankful for the comforting warmth of my own bed.
6. (oh, and a bonus) I'm thankful my dad rescued my car. while I could have walked from where I live to get it once the roads thaw, I definitely feel better about it being parked outside my apartment building instead of along a relatively abandoned street near a local park.
   

Having Reverence and Respect for the Body

Another challenging thought from Henri Nouwen...

Having Reverence and Respect for the Body

In so many ways we use and abuse our bodies. Jesus' coming to us in the body and his being lifted with his body in the glory of God call us to treat our bodies and the bodies of others with great reverence and respect.

God, through Jesus, has made our bodies sacred places where God has chosen to dwell. Our faith in the resurrection of the body, therefore, calls us to care for our own and one another's bodies with love. When we bind one another's wounds and work for the healing of one another's bodies, we witness to the sacredness of the human body, a body destined for eternal life.

Seriously? Seriously?

It was a rough night.

A full of dreams kind of night.

A finally have to give in and take painkillers in hopes of catching just an hour or two of sleep kind of night.

I think I slept about three hours. Maybe.

I'm still bemused by the events of yesterday. I wish I could share them publicly, but I can't at the moment. Suffice it to say that you would all have a very good laugh at my expense. Because God really does have a sense of humor.

Just as a taste, in the midst of a challenging conversation with a dear friend yesterday, we were talking about our hearts being changed, made new. I knew that I was in for an adventurous next little while when, driving home from work after the conversation, I got stuck for quite a distance behind a vehicle with custom license plates that read "NUHEART".

This is one of those backwards days at the office. I'm going to be hauling dirty boxes and totes full of mail for most of the day, and really should be wearing grubby clothes. However, I don't have time for a wardrobe change after work, and I need to be wearing nice clothes to meet my parents for dinner and attend the Christmas choir concert that my brother is a part of tonight. Figures that the one day of the week where I could be casual and grubby at work, I need to look nice for after work. I compromised with jeans and boots, a tanktop, blazer, and cute necklace and bracelet. Here's hoping I don't get the blazer too grubby while I'm hauling totes all day.

I think it's going to be an interesting weekend. Unique in oh so many ways.

In the meantime, I find myself returning to my Grey's Anatomy loving self and regularly looking heavenward, thinking of God's sense of humor and irony as currently on display in my life, and with a rather sarcasticly chuckling tone, quoting one of my favorite Meredith Grey lines, "Seriously? Seriously?"

Daily 5 - Day 106

Today's Daily 5 (or so):

1. Bemused laughter at the incredible nature of some events that rather fully displayed God's deeply ironic sense of humor to me today
2. a relatively decent day at work
3. "NUHEART"
4. grocery shopping for this pay period (even with some extras for all the baking I've been doing) coming in at just (barely - like $3) under budget
5. making it through the tightest pay period yet on my budget and still having enough for what I needed, and even for some wants
6. freshly washed sheets, pajamas and towels
7. news of a very good sale tomorrow at a shop that I use items from daily, and realizing that I can find time in the midst of a very busy schedule to get there (I know sales are common in the States the day after thanksgiving, but tomorrow is just another day here in Canada, and it was nice to get news of a great sale.)
8. maple chicken and yams for supper - new recipe, turned out quite well, and I'll definitely be making it again
9. A grocery shopping trip that didn't involve drama. Everything was in stock for a change, and I didn't leave the store in a homicidal mood (though, I was quite distracted and amused/bemused by other events of the day, so that probably helped)
10. chuckling with a couple different friends over the events of the day.
    

I Liked These

This post at Pete Wilson's blog. Particularly the Thomas Merton quote.

This post at the (In)Courage blog that Angie Smith wrote.

Thanksgiving

Some of you know that I hold dual Canadian/American citizenship. It's Thanksgiving in the states today, and I'm claiming rights as an American and declaring a day of thanksgiving for myself as well.

The quote for the day on the calendar on my desk this morning seemed appropriate. It read:
"Know that gratitude for God's benefits is one of the riches of the soul, and that ingratitude dries up the fountain of divine graces. Give your tribute of gratitude often to the most loving Jesus." (Saint Frances Xavier Cabrini)

This morning was one of the rare moments when I was the first one to arrive at our office. On those mornings I usually spend a few minutes walking the hallways, the perimeter of the floor, and praying aloud for the day and for the company. I like those days. I don't know if it's just the place my heart starts the day in, or if the prayers truly do shift things in the building, but those days do have a tendency to be just a bit smoother.

I'm also extremely grateful to report that for the first time in probably 3 months or so, I slept for about 6 straight hours last night, and without disturbing dreams. Since that is such a rare occurrence in my life, it's worth celebrating.

It's a new day, and I'm going to choose thankfulness today.

Daily 5 - Day 105

Today's Daily "5":

1. I'm thankful for another night off from cooking, but still getting to eat a tasty homemade meal
2. I'm thankful for insurance coverage that pays for the occasional massage, especially in weeks like this one where the hour of relaxation it provides is truly a blessing
3. I'm thankful that I made it through the day relatively in-tact. There were a lot of moments when I wasn't sure that that was going to happen
4. I'm thankful that every day will not always be this hard.
5. I'm thankful that my heart is slowly in a place of being softened, every so slowly again, for others who are hurting and broken
6. I'm thankful for music and lyrics that move my heart, or simply stir laughter or joy
7. I'm thankful for morning drives to work that are being spent memorizing scripture with the help of an audio bible
8. I'm thankful for the first 10 or 15 minutes each morning when I arrive early at the office, and sit and journal thoughts from the day before, pondering dreams, and plans looking at the day ahead
9. I'm thankful for the various books I've read lately and am reading currently, and for the way they're stirring my heart to new things again.
10. I'm thankful, too, for the renewed desire to read. For the little bit of discipline that is restoring attention span and reminding me again why I have always been moved by the written word.
    

Because I Needed a Chuckle Today

I came across this joke this morning, and it provided a much needed chuckle, so I thought I'd share.

Ready… Aim...

A bishop, a priest, and a deacon, were about to be executed for preaching the Gospel in a foreign land.

They bring out the bishop first and the guard shots, “Ready… aim…” and suddenly the bishop yells, “EARTHQUAKE!” When everyone looks around, the bishop runs off.

Next they bring out the priest. They guard shouts, “Ready… aim…” and suddenly the priest yells, “TORNADO!” When everyone ducks, the priest runs off.

By then, of course, the deacon had it figured out. They bring him out and when the guard shouts, “Ready… aim…,” suddenly the deacon yells, “FIRE!”

Going to Fight for It

Yesterday was actually a fairly decent day at work.

But I really, really fought for that.

I don't think I realized how hard I fought for it until I stepped out of the building at the end of the day, breathed a sigh of relief, and almost melted into a puddle of tears and exhaustion.

I slept restlessly again last night, and I'm even more tired today.

I had a bit of a shock when I woke up this morning, that made me catch my breath, and spun me just a little.

I'm going to fight for another good day.

I know after yesterday that it's a battle I CAN win.

But it's a bit more of an overwhelming thought today.

There is none of yesterday's blind determination today.

Just the knowing that it is indeed an incredible fight.

And I will fight for it.

But the very thought makes me want to melt in a puddle of tears.

I don't realize all the time just how exhausting the process of changing thought patterns is. How hard it is to make choice after choice after choice to see the world differently from that which is the most natural and habitual way of seeing for me.

Or just how draining it is to keep all of the negative energy, the anger, tension and stress that floats around my office from affecting me.

Or how I get tired of working my butt off without being thanked.

You know those "love language" things? I'm totally a words of affirmation and gifts girl. Someone thanking me or offering a compliment or a word of encouragement really does make an incredible difference in my day. Someone seeing how hard I'm fighting and taking the time to comment really does give strength for the battle. And, while I'm working on finding that true affirmation primarily in Jesus, that identity and worth only in Him, those words of encouragement still really do help.

Thankfully I don't see every day how difficult it is to do all those things differently, to see and think and choose and be different.

So, here I go.

I'm going to fight for it.

We'll see how it goes.

Daily 5 - Day 104

Today's Daily "5":

1. Going over and over the scripture I'm working on memorizing using an audio bible in the translation I'm memorizing from, while I was driving to work this morning
2. Fighting through, and actually managing to have a good day
3. A phone message I left actually being returned (and resulting in booking a massage at a new and highly recommended massage therapist for a few weeks from now)
4. Dinner with a friend - chatting and catching up (penne giardiniera con pollo... mmm... so good too!)
   
5. Pondering Proverbs 25:29 in the New Living Translation (I'm still loving Proverbs)
6. Finding out I made the list of trusted babysitters - You really should take me up on it - I'd love to do it :)
7. a handful of peanut m&m's
8. getting out of the office for a bit of a walk at lunch
9. a mostly smooth day at work
10. wearing one of my current favorite tops to work - at least I'm warm and feel pretty in it all at once!
    

The Muppets: Bohemian Rhapsody

I had to share this (because I secretly actually really like "Bohemian Rhapsody") because it gave me a good chuckle tonight.

Almost at Lunch - Going Well

It's nice when I can report that a day is going well.

I'm almost to the beginning of my lunch hour, and I haven't had any great need to yell or kick and scream.

Mostly I've been working. Hard. Quite a lot busier than usual.

But I feel productive. And that feels good.

I've kept up with the department that's piling stuff on.

I've processed payroll for the upcoming payday.

I've booked catering for the staff Christmas party.

And various and sundry other little things.

But mostly, I'm just glad that things have definitely been more peaceful today.

I needed a better day.

Over lunch, I'm going to go for a walk. I can't squish yoga into my schedule today, so I'm going to go for a walk instead. Which will also be a nice break from the office.

And hey, it's cheap pasta night at Chianti's and I'm meeting a friend there after work for an evening of pasta and catching up. Should be great!

Determined

I sat in my car in the parking lot this morning and decided that today was going to be a good day.

I'm determined.

I'm going to ignore all of the things I disagree with today. Or all of things that are pretty much ridiculous.

I'm going to find the humor in the fact that I work in a workplace that is at times shockingly similar to the one depicted at the naked pastor this morning. (I printed out the cartoon and stuck it to my office wall to add laughs through the day.)

I'm going to have a good day.

I'm going to play music in my office and just generally ignore the rampant bad moods floating around the building.

I'm going to try not to focus on the minimal sleep that I got again, and be grateful that it was a night that wasn't marked by the disturbing sort of dreams.

And I'm likely going to escape the office for 20 minutes or so over lunch, to go for a walk and get my exercise for the day in. And to maintain my sanity.

It's going to be a good day.

I'm determined.

Daily 5 - Day 103

This has been an incredibly discombobulating day. Work was gross, and is likely to stay that way all week, and maybe well into next week. The dreams from this morning are still lingering. Other thoughts and things read over the day are stirring or rankling just a little.

So, today's daily 5 or so:

1. I'm thankful that it was not my turn to make supper tonight.
2. I'm thankful for a yoga workout that helped burn off the stress of the day, and was followed by a hot shower.
3. I'm thankful that my usual weekly stop at the gas station went way more smoothly this week than last week.
4. I'm thankful that not all days are like this day was.
5. I'm thankful that I spent an hour out of the office this morning doing work errands, and left about 20 minutes early today to do another work errand. It was a helpful break in the midst of a terribly difficult day
6. I'm thankful for internet access in my home, and the ability to communicate with friends scattered around the world with ease.
7. I'm thankful that not all of the dreams are nearly as disturbing as last nights, and that some are quite beautiful.
8. I'm thankful for cranberry scented home fragrance oil from The Body Shop.
9. I'm thankful for friends who pray
10. I really enjoyed having a banana with peanut butter for breakfast.
    

Sin Boldly

Cover of Sin Boldly: A Field Guide for Grace

Late last night, after slowly reading for a few weeks, and reading in giant gulps of thirst for grace while cocooned yesterday afternoon, I finished "Sin Boldly: A Field Guide for Grace" by Cathleen Falsani.

To be honest, I didn't know what to expect when I started reading this one. I bought it because I recognized the author's name from a radio interview I'd heard. But mostly I bought it because it looked vaguely interesting, and was on the clearance table at the local Christian bookstore with an additional 25% off the lowest price sticker pasted to the front cover. (I'm a sucker for a bargain, even when it comes to books - one of the few things I regularly pay full price for.)

I was pleasantly surprised.

Though by no means a brilliant work, the stories are beautiful, and Falsani has done an excellent job of portraying grace.

And for me, there was grace simply in the timing of reading this book. In needing those reminders of beauty and hope in the midst of a really challenging moment.

I underlined here and there (the mark of a book that is really grabbing my attention) - especially various quotes, and I'm sure that some of those will eventually appear here amidst all the other bits and pieces that make up my blog.

But for the moment let me just say I'm thankful for the hope and grace Falsani's book offered in the moments I needed it yesterday, and that if you love stories about real life and hope and joy and grace, written with a slightly humorous twist that doesn't take anything more seriously than necessary, than I heartily recommend this book to you as well.

Monday Morning

My day started with dreams of animals and attack. Not all that pleasant a way to enter a new week of work.

I'm feeling passionately opinionated about anything and everything today. Not that unusual, but this is one of those days where the words just might spill out of my mouth without much pause to consider the finer points audience reception.

It's going to be a crazy day and week at work. So I'm settling in, buckling down, and figuring out how to face it.

I do, at least, feel semi-restored for my afternoon of reading and cocooning yesterday. Thankful for the influx of at least a little bit of peace.

And the decision making I was going to do yesterday, so that it wasn't hanging over my head all week. Well, as I melted down and then cocooned and prayed, I realized that it wasn't going to work to force a decision, and I really don't have to know what I'm doing until the end of the week, so, I'm not going to see it as hanging over my head. I'm going to set it aside, except for in a few specific moments of prayer, and wait and see what comes.

It's Monday morning... on into the week!

Daily 5 - Day 102

This is the sort of day that I need to make these lists, and today there are some things that are really and truly making me smile amidst the pull of other pain...

1. The funny memory of using a wine bottle, still partially filled, as a rolling pin in a baking experiment that was ultimately a disaster. But it was fun to improvise for a rolling pin upon realizing that I don't own one. (And won't be rushing out to buy one since this was the first time in three years I've lived on my own and needed one!)
2. I'm grateful for some minor relational conflict today that reminded me that I do not need to fear that all relational conflict will end in the destruction of the relationship. I'm thankful for the reminder that it can be dealt with through conversation, a request for a boundary to be honored, and that we could then move on and continue to enjoy relationship.
3. I learned a new trick for dicing onions in the cooking class today. It was worth it for that alone. I hate chopping onions. I watched my mom's knife slip on the membrane of an onion once when I was a kid, and cut her finger very badly, and I've been a bit paranoid about knives, and particularly chopping onions ever since. I never chop onions into really small pieces for that reason, but I think, with the trick she showed us today, I might actually attempt it.
4. I'm thankful for wine poured out.
5. I'm thankful for other writers, who have used their gifts with words to encourage in the moments I can't find that encouragement for myself
6. I'm thankful for utilities that are included in our rent. I have memories of very short showers overseas because of the cost of water and heating that water, and on days like today when my muscles ache, I'm grateful for a shower that will stay warm as long as I stand under it, without costing me anything.
7. I'm thankful that one of the two cookie experiments I attempted today turned out. (Cooking is definitely more my forte than baking!)
   
8. I'm thankful for the testimonies of those being baptized at a church service last week that I'm watching via video online, and for the testimonies of healing from another service last week that I also watched online tonight. There is something deeply encouraging about people crying out to be made new, and others giving testimony to the works of God in their lives where man could do nothing.
9. I'm thankful for the prayers a friend wrote out and prayed over me by email this afternoon... for the tears that her words gave permission to fall... for the enforced stoppage and cocooning towards rest and restoration
10. I'm thankful for those of you who stop by from time to time and leave comments on the blog... they always make me smile, and remind me that there are so many other beautiful people journeying alongside, scattered around the country, continent and globe.
    

Cocooning

I am, at the present moment, and have been, for the last 3 hours or so, holed up in my bedroom.

I am cocooning.

It is warm, and dimly lit, only one small lamp (enough light to read by) and about a dozen or so tealights. It smells lovely in here, thanks to the oil burner and softly scented oils.

I'm in need of a little bit of metamorphosis today. And a lot of grace.

So I'm cocooning.

(Emerging, every so often, to finish tasks in the kitchen, but mostly cocooning.)

I have cried deeply.

And when the tears began to end, and peace to re-enter, made makeshift communion from the snack of mango juice and home-made pita chips that I'd collected before the storm began, in the moments when I thought I was going to spend my afternoon sorting my recipes into a more practical form, instead of curled up, searching for grace.

My heart is tired. Of myself at times, and the struggles to choose differently. And of some of the situations I've been part of that seem to go on and on and on.

And today my heart bears also the weight of things from this week. Of a friend's mom whose days are now marked by cancer. Of a boy who died too young. Of things that make me want to scream out "This is not how it was supposed to be."

This is not how it was supposed to be.

A dear friend prayed, and that helped.

Lighting candles helped too. A sacrament of sorts for me. It's rare, these days that they are all lit, scattered across the two "altar spaces" in my room, full of prayers and memories.

Cocooned. Wrapped, and warmed, and letting my heart be slowly transformed, drawn again to a place of grace and peace.

Those two words, grace and peace. I listened to a sermon recently that pointed out that these were some of the most common greetings in Paul's letters. Grace and peace to each of those churches to whom he wrote. Grace and peace to each of those who sits and reads those letters now.

I find myself in need of those today.

As my thoughts cleared and focus returned, I picked up the book I've been reading in little bits all week. Stories rather than definitions. A book that seeks to portray grace, a book that stirs the desire to hunt for it in the most unlikely of places.

Not so very different from the daily lists of 5 or 10 that I've been making for just over 100 days now. But more flowing, and encompassing the world, from the funeral of Pope John Paul II, to a slum in Kenya, to the room of a lovely Chicago nun named sister Annuziata. Stories that find life and hope.

I've needed those today. Those words that stir hope and joy in a heart that was only feeling their absence.

And stories like these make me grateful for my interminable habit of book buying. I bought this one ages ago because I recognized the author's name, and hey, it was on sale.

I only picked it up a week or two ago, and have been reading slowly.

And the book itself is a measure of grace. One that sat on my shelf until the urge came to read it. That internal nudge. But also the slow traverse through it, until this afternoon, when I needed to internalize, to read, to "eat" and be reminded of grace in large and sweeping portions.

The candles flicker off the various items scattered around my "altar"... pottery wine goblets, and gifts from a friend. An empty wine bottle, a cross formed from palm leaves, a plaque, a few stones, a remembrance day poppy or two, and a photo of myself, captured in the midst of a very deep moment. And as they flicker, and I sit in my cocoon, I am reminded that those moments, though many hold, in their own way, some measure of pain, also hold joy, and life. They hold grace and peace.

And tonight I'm thankful for the quietness of an empty house. For a cocoon, and for measures of grace, slowly restored, and transforming my heart again.

Psalm 23:4

I received word today that the mother of some friends of mine has a far more serious cancer than was initially thought. The doctors are not speaking in terms of cure, but control, and hopes that they can give her a year.

The news came in the midst of some other things, already breaking my heart, and I've set aside what I'd planned to do this afternoon in favor of tears, lighting candles, writing and praying.

When the email came this morning, I thought immediately of some lines from a book called "The Word on the Street". The author, Rob Lacey, rewrote much of the Bible during a battle with cancer. He was eventually healed, lived a number of years before the cancer recurred, this time claiming his life.

The lines that came to my mind this morning were his rendition of Psalm 23:4... I can hear them as he wrote them, because there is also an audio version of the book (I recommend it). There is a rhythm to them, and today they are playing through my head as a prayer.

I crawl through the alley of the shadow of cancer
I know you know the answer
And the battle won't rattle me.
You're around, and I've found
There's something about your empathy
Your symphony of sympathy
That comforts me.
You're with me
You comfort me.

I find myself praying this today, for this woman as she fights cancer, for my friends, and their siblings, and their dad. For all those their family has loved and made their own (they do that, you see.) I pray they will know the empathy, the symphony, the comfort of Christ in the midst of all of this.

Timing, Cooking Classes, and on into the day

The timing of some things just makes me laugh. Mostly because if I didn't laugh, I'd probably pull my hair out. These sorts of things always seem to come at the end of weeks like this last one, where my energy is low, I'm tired, and probably a bit too emotional, and they become really challenging moments. Can you tell that I am in the midst of one of them again?

The Naked Pastor posted this today. Boy do I relate to that question.

And my latest blogthings quiz, "What Chess Piece Are You?" produced these results. A pawn. Yep. That was another "okay, I'm going to laugh about this" moment. Because I've actually described to a friend that I have at times felt like a pawn in some situations I've been involved in.

So.

I'm spending some time praying today, because I have a decision to make. Again.

But, I'm also going to enjoy my day, to carry on with the plans I'd already made. I'm attending a cooking class/demonstration with my roommate this morning. I think the title is actually "Knife Skills" which is kind of humorous in an ironic and twisted way, given the times I've felt so frustrated about some of these situations. In any case, I'm looking forward to taking part in this one, and several more over the next few weeks.

I'll probably read for a while.

I have some baking to do.

And a project to organize the recipes I've collected into a more accessible format.

And maybe some cleaning.

And for sure a bit of exercise. (Got to get those 20 minutes in!)

So, I'm going to enjoy the day. I'm going to pray, and probably make the necessary decision, but I'm going to figure out how to enjoy this day. I'm determined to do that. But to also be flexible and give myself lee-way.

Daily 5 - Day 101

Image by Lumiago via Flickr

Today's Daily 5 (or so), plus a picture I liked:

1. chocolate cake for breakfast
2. errands that went well (plus, I like doing errands and crossing things off of lists)
   
3. bonus points at Sobeys (they become aeroplan points, and the more bonus points there are, the more miles there are, and the closer I am to being able to get on a plane to somewhere)
4. Grocery shopping with mom
5. Making these very tasty pumpkin cream sandwich cookies
6. a day that was mostly good after a bit of a rough start
7. reading for a while from the book I'm currently enjoying
8. spending time with my family
9. being successful in not trying to "buy" joy today
10. reminders in various forms that I am loved.
    

Buying joy...

It was an odd night again. Some combination of waking and sleeping.

Some mixture of dreaming and seeing and praying.

This morning I am fighting the exhaustion a bit more than usual. A week of nights like that has left me tired, and perhaps a bit more emotional than I'd prefer.

Weeks like this make the fight to find joy, to see life differently, to write a better story, that much harder. When the exhaustion comes crashing in, and the days and nights have blurred into a constant fight, it is hard to not fall prey to those negative voices. It is hard to not wallow in tears and exhaustion, and find every little thing to be discouraging.

Days like this make budgeting hard. It's the last week of a paycheque and money is tight. But when I feel like this, I want to make it easier to be joyful. I want to shop, or drive somewhere far away, or buy an airplane ticket. I want to try to "buy" joy.

It works, you know, for a little while, buying joy. There is a temporary satisfaction, a boost, that is hard to match. Yes, it fades, but for a little while it works.

Today, though, I'm not going to do that (other than buying groceries, and that hardly counts).

I'll actually probably clean. Cleaning seems like something that would help today.

I'll clean and think and pray. I'll do a few errands (some for work, and some for me). I have a treatment scheduled at the natural health practitioner I'm seeing in an effort to get my health issues under control. I have some projects that have been on my "to do" list for quite a few weeks and months, so maybe I'll tackle one of those. Or maybe I'll see if there is anything interesting playing at the movie theatre, and take myself on a solo movie date. The day has possibilities.

And, quite frankly, because I don't feel like cooking breakfast just for myself, and the tight budget means that the "treat" of a macdonalds breakfast that I would often bribe myself with is not such a great option, I'm going to start this day with chocolate cake. Chocolate cake and vitamins. Because I take vitamins with every meal.

If I can't buy myself joy today, I'm going to have to find it someplace free, and chocolate cake for breakfast seems as good a place as any!

Daily 5 - Day 100

Day 100! Crazy.

Today's Daily 5 (or so):

1. Friday!
2. Jeans at work
3. lunch with a coworker
4. freshly washed sheets and pajamas
5. soaking in a bathtub and watching Grey's on the internet (love having a decadent Friday evening)
6. Chinese food for dinner
7. wading through joy and sorrow amidst memories and yet being peaceful
   
8. pampering myself tonight (clay face mask, newly painted fingernails and toenails)
9. the smell of a freshly washed towel when I climbed out of the shower
10. hope - hope is precious, especially in a week that has been filled with deep, hard, odd moments.
    

Praying...

Praying tonight, for this family.

Friday

I am VERY glad it's Friday.

I had to laugh last night. After years and years of sleep challenges, I forget what it sounds like to a "normal" person when I comment that I typically only sleep 3-5 hours a night (though I try to be horizontal for a whole lot more hours than that.) I mentioned that fact rather off-handedly to a new aquaintance, explaining my need to head home for bed, and had to smile (internally anyway) at the shock and instant concern. Yes, I'm working on solutions to the problem, but it's been a long term problem, and I'm sort of used to functioning on minimal sleep, with low energy. In any case, the response made me chuckle.

A full weekend away from the schizophrenic moods of the office is rather needed at the moment. Not that it's been a particularly bad week (or at least no worse than usual...), but just that my own week has felt intense, and dealing with my own intensity, less than usual sleep, and the schizophrenic office moods all at once can get a little wearing by the time Friday rolls around.

I am wearing jeans today, and my favorite ballet flats, and a sweater I bought in Kensington Market on my recent holiday in Toronto. The sweater is a new favorite, so cosy, and cute besides!

The list of stuff that needs to be done tonight after work is long, but mostly enjoyable. It includes things like painting my fingernails and toenails, putting a clay mask on my skin (it really does help keep me from breaking out if I do it at least weekly), and putting freshly washed sheets back on my bed. I'm going to stop by my parent's house and pick up my mail, and stop by the mall and pick up a pair of pants I left at the tailor's to be shortened. I'm going to find (or make - not sure yet) a birthday card for a friend, and I'm going to hang out and catch up on Grey's Anatomy online. And I'm going to enjoy an empty house.

Have I mentioned that I'm incredibly thankful it's Friday?

A Bit More on Waiting

Another thought on waiting arrived from Henri Nouwen in my inbox this morning...

Waiting with Patience

How do we wait for God? We wait with patience. But patience does not mean passivity. Waiting patiently is not like waiting for the bus to come, the rain to stop, or the sun to rise. It is an active waiting in which we live the present moment to the full in order to find there the signs of the One we are waiting for.

The word patience comes from the Latin verb patior which means "to suffer." Waiting patiently is suffering through the present moment, tasting it to the full, and letting the seeds that are sown in the ground on which we stand grow into strong plants. Waiting patiently always means paying attention to what is happening right before our eyes and seeing there the first rays of God's glorious coming.

Daily 5 - Day 99

Today is day 99, and I can't quite believe I've been doing this for that long. Without further ado, here are today's daily "5":

1. I'm thankful, today, on a day with 9s for the friend who started pushing me towards changing thought patterns to more positive ones in the first place, who has pushed me to choose life and joy. (It was her pushing that led to the eventual idea to make these lists every day.)
2. I had an unexpectedly decent evening - some good conversations. I think I'll go back to this house group.
3. I found joy tonight both in the feeling of wearing makeup and looking pretty, and in the freshly washed feeling of taking it off several hours later.
4. Smoked Gouda, homemade pita chips, and hummus for a quick, simple, on-the-fly dinner
5. laughter - in various moments through a crazy day
   
6. the pleasure of praying with other believers
7. chocolate cake in bed to finish up the night
8. a constant refrain that is slowly bringing peace, and hope
9. Tomorrow is Friday! (a little anticipating the joys to come!)
10. feeling welcomed in the midst of a situation that could have been incredibly awkward
    

Henri on Waiting

I found this in my inbox from Henri Nouwen AFTER I wrote this morning's post. Funny how that works...

Active Waiting

Waiting is essential to the spiritual life. But waiting as a disciple of Jesus is not an empty waiting. It is a waiting with a promise in our hearts that makes already present what we are waiting for. We wait during Advent for the birth of Jesus. We wait after Easter for the coming of the Spirit, and after the ascension of Jesus we wait for his coming again in glory. We are always waiting, but it is a waiting in the conviction that we have already seen God's footsteps.

Waiting for God is an active, alert - yes, joyful - waiting. As we wait we remember him for whom we are waiting, and as we remember him we create a community ready to welcome him when he comes.

Maybe, in the future

I don't know exactly what to write.

I feel like this has been a deeply internal week, and I'm just not sure how to share it.

I'll be incredibly glad when tomorrow afternoon comes, and at least the work portion of the week is at an end.

It's been three nights in a row of intense dreams now. Some remembered, some not so much. Nights of (more than usual) interrupted sleep.

I had a meeting this morning that will necessitate another meeting. One that's likely to be a bit challenging. I guess I'll deal with that when it comes.

Susan posted some really beautiful thoughts here. Her story reminded me of this post I wrote in April. Of memories that, months later, are still fresh, and for which I'm still very grateful.

I'm going to check out a church option tonight. A small house gathering. While I'm not by any means as panicky as I sometimes feel about things like that (I'm quite peaceful about it, really), I have to admit that after a week like I've had, the last thing I really want to do tonight is to take my introverted self to a new place and spend the evening with a group of strangers. But I'm going to do it. Because I've missed the community I once had, and it's slowly becoming clear that the changes to that which I once had are more permanent than I had hoped.

"Don't neglect gathering together" the author of Hebrews wrote. It's a hard verse. Because while Jesus is appealing, sometimes his people are so very unappealing. Sometime I am so very unappealing. And yet... my heart, as much as it hesitates, and reminds me of past hurts, past church disasters, remains hungry for that fellowship, that community with others who love Jesus.

I feel like it's a bit of a waiting game this week.

Caught between memories, present reality and dreams for the future.

And Ingrid Michaelson's "Maybe" has become the underlying voice to my week. The answer to everything seems to be "...maybe, in the future..."

So, I'm waiting to see what the future will bring. What tonight, and tomorrow, and the weekend, and weeks, and months and years from now will hold.

...maybe, in the future...

Daily 5 - Day 98

Today's Daily "5":

1. feeling relatively peaceful, despite two rather intense days and two rather intense nights in a row
2. the chicken gumbo I made last night was tasty!
3. grocery shopping went relatively smoothly (read: I didn't leave the store in an incredibly foul mood)
4. Wendy's for lunch - I was in the mood for a grilled chicken sandwich and some fries, and it was ultimately quite satisfying
5. "Maybe" by Ingrid Michaelson (played it on repeat almost all day)
6. both of my parent's calling me within 10 minutes of each other to tell me that a package had arrived for me (I get my mail at their address still - easier than changing addresses every time I move)... it was really quite funny to have them both call to tell me exactly the same thing, and added a chuckle to my day
7. telling funny childhood "word" stories at coffee break... those moments when as a parent or grown-up you just really want to laugh, but shouldn't.
8. chocolate cake
9. a few games of bejeweled blitz on facebook (sort of a nice way to relax)
10. finishing up my four days in a row of exercise for the week, and knowing I'm coming up on some days where I don't have to rush home from work and cram yoga in before cooking dinner.
    

Feels like a long week

It feels like it should be Thursday at the very least. It's only Wednesday.

I'm listening to Ingrid Michaelson's "Maybe" on repeat this morning. The refrain, "maybe, in the future..." plays over and over in my thoughts.

I discovered this morning that Jason Upton is doing a conference in a small city only 3 hours drive from here this weekend. I'm far too broke to attend, which is disappointing.

Tonight is grocery shopping night. That means that I'm already praying for a peaceful experience there. (Have I mentioned that while I don't mind grocery shopping, I have a strong dislike for the discount warehouse type store we do most of our grocery shopping at? I refer to it as the "soul-sucking mega store".)

I started my four days of exercise a day earlier than usual this week. (I read a brief study that suggested that one way to increase seretonin in your brain was to do 20 minutes of moderately aerobic - they suggested yoga - exercise for at least four days in row. Apparently if you do this, there was an increase of seretonin levels in the brain shown over a period of sixty days.) Because I started a day early this week, that means tonight is my 4th day, and that I'm actually kind of excited about.

My budgeting strategy is being put to the test tomorrow. One of my favorite shops is having a sale. A good sale. 20% off everything for members instead of 10%. And it's very tempting to go stock up on the products I buy there (which include my skin care products and hair care products). But I bought what I needed, and a bit extra fairly recently, and my budget is already a bit stretched, so I think tomorrow I'm going to quietly ignore the sale. (Which hurts the bargain loving part of me that rarely pays full price for things...)

I'm really looking forward to eating the chicken gumbo I made last night for dinner tonight. It looked pretty tasty, and it's rather nice to know that on a night that will already be busy, there is a full pot sitting in the fridge, just waiting to be heated up and consumed.

I'm still in the midst of odd, deep spaces, and am thus sharing mostly the ephemera of life at the moment. I hope you'll bear with me as I sort through memories and ponder the events of my days (and nights) more quietly.

The dreaming has been thick lately, and has carried memories with it, and I'm feeling the need to process deeply and internally before sharing with the world (or perhaps never sharing with the world.)

It feels like a long week. How is it possible that it's only Wednesday?

Intelligence Is Glamourous

This one made me chuckle... Partly because it's fairly true... I really do appreciate intelligence... And partly because some of the things in the results are also true (though I think most people appreciate politeness etc.)

You Think That Intelligence is Glamourous

You find nothing more disappointing than a gorgeous person who is completely vapid. You can't respect anyone who doesn't exercise his or her mind. There's something incredibly appealing about someone who can speak intelligently about any subject at any length. You also appreciate people who are well mannered and well behaved. Politeness goes a long way for you. The most glamourous people you know totally have it together. Allure is never skin deep for you.

The Glamour Test

Blogthings: Waste Time at Work!

Daily 5 - Day 97

Today's Daily 5 (and more):

1. quiet evening at home
2. pancake sandwich for supper (peanut butter and blackberry jam)
3. long hot shower and spending longer than usual caring for my skin and hair afterwards
4. trying a new recipe (chicken gumbo) while pre-making tomorrow night's supper
5. cranberry scented room oil for burning in my oil burner
6. updating my budget - though I don't love the work of it, right now I'm loving how much less stressed I'm feeling about money (one of the easiest stressors for me) because of needing to stick to a set budget for a while.
7. listening to Ingrid Michaelson
8. crawling in bed early, catching up on things
9. sending an email that may lead to a slight risk, and to checking out a house church this week or next
10. looking at the pictures we took last night (see below!) with F. and baby A. and enjoying them and the memory of cuddling A. all over again.

I don't wanna be the one to say goodbye (maybe, in the future)

A friend of mine posted this video on facebook tonight, and I loved it. I found it creative and beautiful. I've liked quite a few of Ingrid Michaelson's songs over the last year, the lyrics speaking deeply, and in some ways, this song too, speaks to where my heart is at.

Odd Deep Spaces (heart prayers)

My heart is in an odd spot today, sort of deep, unexplainable places. It started with a dream, and waking to find a note in my email inbox that spoke to the same themes as the dream in inexplicable ways. And it has carried on through the day...

Today my heart is praying:

• with the memory of deep prayer for a group of young people half a world away; remembering and lifting up those who are grieving the death of one who was far too young.
• while sipping passion tea and eating blackberries
• from the place of waking from dreams and pondering
• looking forward and looking back
• while remembering words spoken and asking questions
• while considering the warmth of the child I held in my arms last night
• for friends that are now distant, as well as those who remain close
• while aiming to offer genuine forgiveness
• for wholeness
• and health
• and healing
• for alternatives that work
• and times of rest to be poured out
• for provision just in the moments it is most necessary
• for the release of control
• because even in the moments I can't quite believe, I still long for restoration
• as specific thoughts and cares weight heavy
• seeking release and freedom
• remembering flocks of birds - real and seen only with the eyes of my heart
• in odd deep spaces with the gratefulness for a spirit who groans beyond words
• amidst a busy day at work
• watching
• waiting
• wondering
• and sometimes even trusting
• because my heart simply cannot help but cry out to Abba.

Peru's Sacred Glacier is Melting

I found this photo essay about Peru to be quite fascinating.

Praying today (again) for that country, and the opportunity to be there.

Two More Calendar Quotes

The quotes from yesterday and today on the calendar that sits on my desk:

"O most sweet God of my life and the only love of my soul, your overabundance of mercy has led me through the many obstacles I have placed in the way of your love." (Saint Gertrude the Great)

"As in heaven your will is punctually performed, so may it be done on earth by all creatures, particularly in me and by me." (Saint Elizabeth of Hungary)

Daily 5 - Day 96

This was an incredibly off-kilter icky sort of day, but it ended really well, and I had a great evening cuddling a beautiful sleeping eight week old baby girl. You'll have to forgive me if several of today's daily list come from my evening plans!

Today's Daily 5 (or 10):

1. Topping today's list (which are generally in no particular order and are only numbered so I know when I reach 5 or 10 without stopping to count) is spending a few hours with baby A. cuddled against me. And she was asleep almost the whole time.
2. Laughing with A's mom, at the funny way she stretches and sprawls in her sleep - at one point she was laying in my lap, with both arms straight out to either side. No swaddling for this baby to sleep, she fights and kicks until she gets free!
3. Visiting over dinner and catching up with my friend F. We were involved in Young Life together in high school, which makes her one of my longest standing relationships. At that time she was already dating the guy she eventually married, and it's fun (if somewhat surreal) to have a friendship that has spanned, high school, university, jobs, figuring out careers, a little traveling on each of our parts, her marriage, and now the birth of her daughter. (We're grown-ups! When did that happen???)
   
4. Pea and bacon pasta, with garlic bread for dinner.
5. Cooking for a friend - I love cooking for other people, but particularly for the friends who I know really appreciate it because they don't cook much for themselves, or cook very simple meals.

   Cover via Amazon

6. Having the kid's Christmas book I bought yesterday as a baby gift be one my friend didn't have (always a gamble with a friend who LOVES Christmas, and is also an elementary school teacher who's been collecting kids' books for almost as long as I've known her.) The book, by the way, is "The Christmas Miracle of Jonathan Toomey" and is definitely my all-time favorite kid's Christmas book. The illustrations are beautiful, but more importantly, the story is absolutely fabulous.
7. Yoga tonight - it was good to stretch a bit
8. watching A. smile in her sleep
9. Seeing how well F. has adapted to being a "mom" and loving getting to see her in that role.
10. Curling up in bed, reflecting on how, even after a pretty crappy day, (from the moment I woke to when I finally made it home after work), I was able to have a really beautiful evening, and that's what I'm going to remember from this day, more than all the hard or crappy or really off-kilter moments.
    

Monday Morning

My day started with a bit of a shock, reading something unexpected on facebook. Not bad, just a surprise - a quotation that hit hard, some deep places that are still very raw. It pulled me into a place of memories, and I'm still feeling a little off balance from beginning my day that way.

My roommate didn't hear her alarm, and I had to wake her, a good 40 minutes after she is usually up and about. Since I am her ride to the train, that means I was running behind as well. We managed to get out of the house only about 10 minutes later than usual.

The work day has already been just a little bit crazy, and it's only an hour old.

The work week is likely to hold some "adventures" and probably some flaring tempers. Things are running behind (due to totally uncontrollable circumstances) and I think people are starting to get stressed.

For now, though, my goal is to get to the end of the day. Tonight I get to meet and cuddle the 2 month old daughter of a good friend. A little girl who was born on Rosh Hashanah and unknowingly gave me hope. I'm looking forward to cuddles with the baby, and catching up and laughing with her mom - hearing all about her new life as mommy. I'll enjoy making dinner for them, and hosting them in my home. I'm choosing to get through this day (looking for joy along the way) and anticipate deep joy tonight.

It's a Monday, but I'm going to get through it somehow.

Daily 5 - Day 95

Today's Daily 5 (and more...):

1. A walk in Nose Hill Park
2. baking a marble cake with chocolate icing (mostly because I'm having company tomorrow, but also because I felt like cake today)
3. home made pancakes for breakfast
4. finding two birthday gifts for a very affordable price while at the mall
5. discovering my favorite obscure (but really beautiful) children's Christmas story at a small local bookstore - a gift for a friend who has just recently had her first child and loves books. (here's hoping she doesn't have this one yet!)
6. a slow morning, getting out of bed a bit later than usual
7. chatting for a little while with a dear friend
8. taking a few photos again, and having them turn out not too badly
9. reading Proverbs... I've been reading this book off and on for a couple of months now, and I'm very struck by it.
10. curling up in bed with a book...
    

Experimenting with Visuals

Taste & See by lpippus featuring Tarina Tarantino jewelry

Items in this set:
Tarina Tarantino brooch
Sxc.hu
Gilek.com

Holding Onto You

I'm thinking tonight about a lyric my friend Karla Adolphe penned...

My heart is praying these words tonight, for myself and some dear friends... and hearing in the last few lines a quieting response from Jesus...

Holding Onto You

I see a million broken pieces on the floor
I can't believe you'd like to add one more
Meet me where I'm living, meet me where I am
All the stars have melted from my eyes
Only you know how many tears I've cried
Meet me where I'm living, meet me where I am
Holding onto you,
I'm holding onto you,
I'm holding onto you right now

Hush little baby don't say a word
Daddy's coming to get his little girl
Hush little baby, don't do a thing
Daddy's coming he's going to fix everything...

(to buy the song, click here, and scroll to the album "The Cathedral" to find the song)

Daily 5 - Day 94

Today's Daily 5 (and more):

1. Waking with the line "Taste and see that the Lord is good" playing through my head
2. finding just a few words for my heart space in an email to a dear friend
3. a day spent with a friend, even if the relationship has changed deeply over the last year
4. mini ham and cheese croissants from the farmer's market for breakfast
5. going into my favorite clothing store and discovering several items that I'd been planning to go to a used clothing store to look for on clearance - 2 tops and a pair of pants for about $31 - very good news for a girl on a tight budget
6. getting to see the mountains again
7. getting a particular vitamin refill that I'd been hunting for for several weeks in a row
8. making fruit salad again for the coming week
9. a quiet relaxing morning
10. a day mostly focused on remembering to taste and see that Jesus is good
    

Taste and See

I woke up this morning at 5 am with two lines of scripture running through my head. They were still running through my head when I finally got up around 9.

"Taste and see that the Lord is good."

"His love endures forever."

Today is a day where I'm experimenting with tasting and seeing. A new way of choosing joy.

Daily 5 - Day 93

Today's Daily 5 (and more):

1. Wearing jeans to work
2. Getting back some photo prints I'd ordered, and being really happy both with how they turned out, and with the memories they captured
3. A Friday night that went as planned for the first time in weeks
4. Enjoying an episode of Grey's Anatomy
5. Relaxing in a hot bath...
6. Bourbon Street Grill for dinner
7. Laughing with family and friends
8. curling up in bed with magic bags spread across my feet and against my achy back
9. really feeling peaceful tonight after a bit of a challenging afternoon
10. the satisfaction of working through my budget and knowing that it is workable for right now
    

One more on the Communion of Saints

One more thought from Henri Nouwen...

Heart As Wide As the World

The awareness of being part of the communion of saints makes our hearts as wide as the world. The love with which we love is not just our love; it is the love of Jesus and his saints living in us. When the Spirit of Jesus lives in our hearts, all who have lived their lives in that Spirit live there too. Our parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents; our teachers and their teachers; our pastors and their pastors; our spiritual guides and theirs - all the holy men and women who form that long line of love through history - are part of our hearts, where the Spirit of Jesus chooses to dwell.

The communion of saints is not just a network of connections between people. It is first and foremost the community of our hearts.

Friday morning

Well, I must have slept last night, because I certainly dreamt. Weird snippets of conversations and relationships and people and emotions, all mixed up and slightly twisted. It wasn't precisely the night I was hoping for, but I suppose it'll do.

So, I'm sipping tea, and glad that it's Friday. I'm wearing jeans, and that's helping too.

Mostly, I'm just thankful that it's Friday. That in 7 hours, I'll be off work for a couple of days.

That tonight I'm going (barring any unexpected internet connection issues) to be watching Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice and doing very domestic stuff and resting.

Daily 5 - Day 92

Today's Daily 5 (or more):

1. Getting a blog award - very fun! (see my previous post)
2. The smell of the roses on my desk at work
3. really good roasted baby potatoes and yam, green beans and "tuscan chicken sausage" from the farmer's market for supper tonight
4. finishing day 4 of yoga/exercise - week 2
5. accomplishing a number of things on my to do list tonight
6. daily dose of a trivia game at lunch hour with a coworker
7. sorting through photos, ordering a few to be printed, some for me, and some to send to some friends
8. a long hot shower tonight after yoga
9. knowing that tomorrow is Friday - this is a very good thought right now
10. magic bag draped across my cold feet in bed.
    

Honest Scrap Award

Susan at Weaving a Life presented me with the Honest Scrap blog award today! I think that might be the first time I've ever gotten a blog award!

These are the rules apparently:

1. Tell 10 honest things about myself

2. Pick 10 honest bloggers to pass it on to

3. Tell who gave you the award in the first place

Well, I've got number three covered about with the link to Susan.

Ten Honest Things About Myself...

1. If you had asked anyone who knew me, even two years ago, if my preference for health treatments would be the most natural products available, they'd have laughed at you. It still makes me laugh to think about it almost every day as I'm swallowing one of the myriad (I think it's close to 15 pills - a variety of about six supplements) of pills that I take at any given meal.
2. I love my nose piercing, even two years on. I got it to commemorate the 2nd anniversary of my healing from depression, and that's still what it reminds me of every time I look in the mirror.
3. I'm not so keen on my latest piercing - a navel one I got about 4-5 months ago. I love the way it looks, but it's taking forever to heal, and is kind of getting annoying. If it's still like this at the one year mark, I'll probably get rid of it. (I actually think about taking it out probably at least twice a week.)
4. Mental illness doesn't scare me in other people, but is a terrifying thing in me. Every time things are a bit out of whack with me, I start freaking out, wondering if depression is returning.
5. I'm very slowly learning that God's gift of healing is a constant thing - that I don't need to freak out about the depression.
6. I'm also learning that that healing is not an excuse to not take proper care of myself. Thus the recent changes in diet and exercise habits, the attempt to sleep, and the myriad of supplements that I'm using to try and bring a restoration of the physical health that stress has totally trashed over the last two years.
7. I've made two "mission" trips in my life - both to countries that start with M. (Mexico and Malta). Both trips had a very shaping impact on my life. If you ask me if I'll ever make another "mission" trip, I'll probably tell you that it's unlikely. I do still love the idea of traveling and praying with friends though, and am dreaming of several trips like that still to come. (I've also learned to ask LOTS of questions about the trip before making it.)
8. I place an immensely high value on hugs. I really appreciate the friends who can get past the sort of distant, non-touchy north american thing, and express affection with a hug. I've also quite literally gotten on a plane and flown across the country just to collect a hug from a dear friend. (It was totally worth it.)
   
9. I pick almost all music based on the lyrics. Words are my thing, and if the lyrics don't move me in some way - if they don't make me laugh or cry, or deeply touch my heart, then I'm probably not all that interested in the song.
10. Email is one of my favorite forms of communication. But I've recently been feeling the limitations of it a bit as well.
    

Ten Honest Bloggers (really just some of my favorites - since most of the blogs I read are very honest - that's why I love them! In no particular order, and keeping in mind that a lot of my favorite honest bloggers are not exactly known for blogging on any kind of regular basis, but there's great stuff in their archives if you're willing to look!)...

1. LP/CA (a private blog, but one of my favorites)
2. Ian at Shallowfrozenwater
3. Dana at Ofwoolandwater
4. Alliedearest at The Grey Albatross
5. Hootenannie
6. Claudia Mair Burney at The Ragamuffin Diva
7. Hope
8. Renee
9. Faye
10. Lisa at Let's Put the Kettle On
    

It Kind of Feels Like Monday

Having a holiday in the middle of the week was great yesterday while it was still the holiday.

It's still great today, but today does feel slightly like a monday as a result.

I'm feeling discombobulated, and not sure what to tell you.

I'm still loving the roses on my desk - a gift from a co-worker earlier this week.

I can't quite figure out how to describe how I'm feeling today, other than weird. Slighty jumpy and very adrenaliney but not panicky. A doable feeling in the middle of the day, not so much a doable feeling while I was trying to sleep last night.

As a result, I'm yawning a lot today.

It kind of feels like a Monday. I'm glad it's really a Thursday, and that the weekend is coming soon.

More on the Communion of Saints from Henri

A few more thoughts from Henri Nouwen on the communion of saints...

The Large Network of God's People

The saints are God's holy people. The apostle Paul speaks about all those who belong to Christ as "holy people" or "saints." He directs his letters to "those who have been consecrated in Christ Jesus and called to be God's holy people" (1 Corinthians 1:2; see also Ephesians 1:1). This sanctity is the work of the Spirit of Jesus. Paul again says: "All of us, with our unveiled faces like mirrors reflecting the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the image that we reflect in brighter and brighter glory; this is the working of the Lord who is the Spirit" (2 Corinthians 3:18).

As saints we belong to that huge network of God's people that shines like a multitude of stars in the dark sky of the universe.

In Memory of Jesus and the Saints

Belonging to the communion of saints means being connected with all people transformed by the Spirit of Jesus. This connection is deep and intimate. Those who have lived as brothers and sisters of Jesus continue to live within us, even though they have died, just as Jesus continues to live within us, even though he has died.

We live our lives in memory of Jesus and the saints, and this memory is a real presence. Jesus and his saints are part of our most intimate and spiritual knowledge of God. They inspire us, guide us, encourage us, and give us hope. They are the source of our constant transformation. Yes, we carry them in our bodies and thus keep them alive for all with whom we live and work.

Daily 5 - Day 91

Image via Wikipedia

Today's Daily 5 (or so):

1. Zoo visit with T. & L.
2. Seeing my first ever anteater. Man that is one weird looking creature. You've really got to picture God laughing when he created that... I mean the thing has the longest nose, well ever, and this thing that looks like a feather duster for a tail. (just check out the picture I've added to the right.)
   
3. Visiting the gorillas again after a few months absence
4. A treatment today that went well
5. laughing with my family as we celebrated my brother J's birthday tonight (two months after the actual date - it's getting a little harder to coordinate schedules now that we're all working and/or in school and both boys also have girlfriends schedules that also need to be coordinated.)
6. a day off work
7. a slow lazy morning... laying in bed, reading, watching a dvd, and just generally resting
8. getting to borrow dad's camera and take pictures at the zoo today
9. family stories - all the funny ones. (and I appreciated not being the butt of nearly as many jokes as I often am)
10. memories that I'd forgotten resurfacing, and mixing with other memories, re-arranging themselves in my heart, and settling out into new shapes and forms within me.
    

Flander's Fields

Image via Wikipedia

It's kind of a tradition for me to post the following classic war poem on Remembrance Day. I've been thinking a lot more than usual about the importance of pausing to remember this year. The particular religious group that I work for refuses to acknowledge Remembrance Day, or participate in the national poppy campaign to raise money for veterans. They are pacifists, and argue that acknowledging this holiday legitimizes and glorifies war. I feel just the opposite - that while I generally hold pacifist principles, it is the contribution of those who fought that lets me hold those principles. So, this year, like each and every other year, I present to you, "Flander's Fields" by John McCrae and "We Shall Keep the Faith" by Moina Michael.

In Flanders Fields

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep,
though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

We Shall Keep the Faith

Oh! you who sleep in Flanders Fields,
Sleep sweet - to rise anew!
We caught the torch you threw
And holding high, we keep the Faith
With All who died.

We cherish, too, the poppy red
That grows on fields where valor led;
It seems to signal to the skies
That blood of heroes never dies,
But lends a lustre to the red
Of the flower that blooms above the dead
In Flanders Fields.

And now the Torch and Poppy Red
We wear in honor of our dead.
Fear not that ye have died for naught;
We'll teach the lesson that ye wrought
In Flanders Fields.

Daily 5 - Day 90

I have this friend who loves the number 9. Because of her, I always think reaching milestones like 90 days of showing up here and making a list of things I'm grateful for, or basically any milestone with a 9 in it, are good ones!

So, here's today's Daily 5 (or more):

1. Talking on skype (even with some technical difficulties) for about an hour with A. tonight, and having time to pray together as well
2. A nice quiet day at work
3. Listening to some good preaching while I signed Christmas cards at my desk for an hour or two this afternoon
4. A grocery shopping trip that was relatively calm (something I actually prayed would be true in the time I lay awake before rising this morning)
5. Another night of getting yoga done (2 more days left in this 4 day exercise cycle)
6. getting to turn off my alarm for tomorrow morning, since tomorrow is a holiday for me
7. shared humor with a friend
8. home made cookies from the weekend
9. pizza for dinner, and leftover pizza for a later night blogging snack
10. reaching ninety days of showing up and writing a list like this of things I'm grateful for, or things that are making me smile.
    

Fond Childhood Reading Memories - the Giant Pink Sea Snail...

Did you ever read the Dr. Dolittle books? Not the Eddy Murphy modernized movie versions, but the classic children's books set in England? I read them all as a child, and loved each and every one of them. There was something fascinating to me about the round little doctor who used to doctor humans, before he learned to speak various animal languages and found doctoring animals to be so much better work.

I was thinking about those books just now, because a favorite scene popped into my head.

I have no idea what stirred the memory, but I was thinking about the scene where Dr. Dolittle and his entourage are ferried beneath the sea by the giant pink sea snail. The details are blurry in my head, but I remember being fascinated by the idea of this snail, and traveling safely to the other side of the sea within it's shell. There is this image of warm and cozy pinkness engrained in my memory, imparted somehow as I read.

A funny, fond memory to rest in this afternoon as I sit at my desk puttering. Childhood reading has left me with such fond memories, and it's always fun when a particularly fond, if somewhat random one such as this springs to mind. Especially since one usually leads to another... As a voracious reader that read close to 200 books some years as a child, there are so many fond memories of escaping into various literary worlds. (I'm already pondering Pippy Longstocking memories, and others from there...)