Worth it

I woke up this morning and was trying to decide what to listen to on my ipod on the morning walk and train commute. As I scrolled through the myriad of options, I stumbled across an album I haven't listened to in a while, and kind of felt that internal prodding that I am beginning to recognize as God prompting me to put that one on. So I did. "Effortless" by Rita Springer.

The first song spoke volumes to a melt-down I had last night. It's still speaking volumes to where I'm at this morning, recovering from the melt-down. It's titled "Worth it All"

I don't understand Your ways
Oh but I will give You my song
Give You all of my praise
You hold on to all my pain
With it You are pulling me closer
And pulling me into Your ways

Now around every corner
And up every mountain
I'm not looking for crowns
Or the water from fountains
I'm desperate in seeking, frantic believing
That the sight of Your face
Is all that I need
I will say to You

It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it all
I believe this
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it all

I believe this
You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it all
I believe this
You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it all
I believe this

Letting Go of Our Fear of God - Henri Nouwen

Another interesting reflection from Henri Nouwen...

Letting Go of Our Fear of God

We are afraid of emptiness. Spinoza speaks about our "horror vacui," our horrendous fear of vacancy. We like to occupy-fill up-every empty time and space. We want to be occupied. And if we are not occupied we easily become preoccupied; that is, we fill the empty spaces before we have even reached them. We fill them with our worries, saying, "But what if ..."

It is very hard to allow emptiness to exist in our lives. Emptiness requires a willingness not to be in control, a willingness to let something new and unexpected happen. It requires trust, surrender, and openness to guidance. God wants to dwell in our emptiness. But as long as we are afraid of God and God's actions in our lives, it is unlikely that we will offer our emptiness to God. Let's pray that we can let go of our fear of God and embrace God as the source of all love.

Thankful

I need to make a things I'm thankful for list this morning. I need the perspective.

I'm thankful for:

• the fact that even though a couple of inches of snow fell overnight, it is not correspondingly freezing cold.
• the fact that I work for a company that exists, at least in part, to donate a large portion of it's profits to Mennonite Central Committee Alberta - essentially funding works of justice all over the world
• chocolate cupcakes left over from yesterday's staff meeting, for breakfast.
• g-mail chat
• eyes that see
• lunch being provided for us at work today
• the long-time friends like James, who hung out even when he wanted to strangle me, when I was the crankiest, nastiest person to be around, in the midst of the worst of my depression
• friends with a huge heart for various parts of the world, like Megs and Marty and Kari
• a sense of the nearness of Jesus in the midst of this painful season of Lent
• my friendship with Shelley, who laughs at my sarcasm, makes me laugh in return, won't let me avoid anything, and generally holds me accountable to being the person God seems to be calling me to be
• a friend at work who laughs in all the right places when I'm sarcastic and cranky, or have a "blond" moment, and dishes back just as much as I give out
• mandarin oranges from Pakistan
• bottled water
• home-made muffins
• Passion tea
• Vanilla rooibos tea
• a job that promises not to be "slow and boring" anytime soon
• all the little things that remind me to pray
• having found the "nearly perfect" journal for processing my trip in a couple of weeks ago
• suddenly having the burning desire to write again - constantly. my journals usually take two years or so to fill. the new one was begun on February 14th and is now 1/3 full, with no signs of slowing
• dreams of future travels - Israel, Peru, Pakistan/India, back to Europe, and yes, probably Africa
• moments of redemption, big and small
• the moments when the words begin to pour from my heart onto a page, and release is granted for my soul
• incense (in stick and pebble form)
• candles
• skirts that fit, even when my dress pants don't
• scarves - I love scarves.
• cute earrings
• a best friend who brings me things like scarves and bracelets and earrings from all over the world
• friends who are committed to prayer
• various things from all over the world that surround the corner of my bedroom where I sit to pray, and remind me of my ever-growing heart for the nations

Lent Hurts

I wrote the following couple lines in an email to a friend tonight, and realized, as I looked back over them, that I want to share them, here, too, because they are strongly definitive of my journey, and of who I am and the space I'm presently occupying.

"I've decided that Lent hurts. That for me this year, it's about ripping things down, things I've held on to for too long. About not avoiding, but diving right smack dab into the center of the turmoil and the pain, and then hoping for the strength and ability to swim."

Defining Hope

A friend and I are batting around the questions, "how is hope defined?" and "what is hope?", and I've decided to solicit your opinions.

Leave me a comment telling me how you would answer one or both of these questions.

Creating Space for God - Henri Nouwen

Another challenging reminder from Henri Nouwen.


Creating Space for God

Discipline is the other side of discipleship. Discipleship without discipline is like waiting to run in the marathon without ever practicing. Discipline without discipleship is like always practicing for the marathon but never participating. It is important, however, to realize that discipline in the spiritual life is not the same as discipline in sports. Discipline in sports is the concentrated effort to master the body so that it can obey the mind better. Discipline in the spiritual life is the concentrated effort to create the space and time where God can become our master and where we can respond freely to God's guidance.

Thus, discipline is the creation of boundaries that keep time and space open for God. Solitude requires discipline, worship requires discipline, caring for others requires discipline. They all ask us to set apart a time and a place where God's gracious presence can be acknowledged and responded to.

Lenten Reading

I have a couple of good links for you, if you're interested in reading what are people are reflecting on through this Lenten Season.

First, this article by Winn Collier.

Second, Phyllis Tickle has a Lenten blog, which you can find here. I particularly enjoyed the entries for February 24, and February 25.

Quiet Thoughts

Funny how we vascillate to extremes.

For most of the last week I avoided silence - filling every space with background noise. Last night a friend pushed me into creating a space of time that was filled with nothing but silence, stillness, prayer. Today I find myself pulling back from noise (internal and external).

I came home from work at noon. I was feeling queasy, achy, exhausted, and had a headache and probably a fever (I don't actually own a thermometer, so it was kind of hard to confirm that). I thought I had the flu. Maybe I do - who knows? But usually when I have the flu, I get the extraordinarily high fever and constant puking for three days kind. I was hungry when I got home. So I made chicken fingers and french fries for lunch (a favorite comfort food AND a quick meal) ate, and then fell asleep on my couch.

I slept on and off for two hours on the couch. What does it say about the way I've been able to sleep lately that I've slept something like 7 hours in the last 24, and two of them were on the couch in the middle of the afternoon when I should have been at work?

So, I'm laying here, enjoying quiet.

Funny the things you notice in the quiet.

Like how the heat vents in our house are actually really creaky. And how the neighbors upstairs don't often walk - they run from place to place in their house. Or when they do walk, it's heavy-footed and purposeful.

I'm enjoying quiet.

I bless the starless night

I recently put the song "Dark Night of the Soul" by Steve Bell (adapted from the poem of the same title by St. John of the Cross) on a playlist I created for a dear friend. Every song on the list had deep significance to my journey of late except that one. Song lyrics speak to me, often give words that I just don't have for the deep places of my heart, and I'm committed to sharing those deep places with this friend. So, every once in a while I stick some songs on a cd, and send them to her, with a list of their titles, and a few words of commentary on why that song.

I couldn't figure out why I put "Dark Night of the Soul" on the latest disc. Not sure I know exactly even now. I pressed the skip button at least twice today, as I was listening to that playlist on my ipod at work.

But just now, as I spent some time alone, silent, still, and ultimately on my face, I could not get bits of the song out of my head. I entered into a deep quiet, where my thoughts mostly ceased, but the melody kept playing...

I understood, just a little, when I finally emerged and looked up the lyrics. Three bits in particular caught me, and are catching me...

I went out by myself
Seen by no one else
A somewhat reckless journey from the start
Pressing through the night
Without light or guide
Save the fire that consumed my heart

I bless the starless night
A night by far more lovely than the dawn
Oh happy chance
To discover in the barren dark
The one I knew so well

And there with my love I rested
Fanned by a cooling wind
Wounded by love's caresses
Suspending all my senses...

Wardrobe Issues

I’m having wardrobe issues, and financial issues. The financial issues are exacerbating the mild stress I’m feeling over my wardrobe issues.

It would seem that the weight I inadvertently lost while traveling (astounding given the fact that I ate meals consisting primarily of pasta, bread, meat and chocolate), in combination with the bit of weight I lost due to stress and illness before I left to begin traveling, has rendered all of my dress pants basically unwearable. I can wear one pair with a belt, if I wear a long top over it to hide the bunches of fabric. The other main pair doesn’t even have belt loops, and now sits on my hips in approximately the way a pair of low rise jeans would – which would almost be wearable, except that sitting that much lower has now rendered the pants about two inches two long.

I own many skirts, and thankfully, most of those seem to fit. However, those of you who know what winter is like in Alberta will realize that someone who commutes via walking and public transportation is not able to just wear a skirt. That someone will require tights, and possibly boots to wear with the skirt. I presently own one pair of tights, and one pair of boots. Both in brown. Which is fine, but only matches half of my clothing. So, despite the fact that I have only about $100 to my name (and all but $100 of the paycheque I receive this week will go to bills – travel is wonderful isn’t it??), I am going to be forced to spend $10-15 on a pair of black tights (in order to expand my work wardrobe options), with the logic that it is better to spend $10-15 on tights when money is tight, than $40-60 on a new pair of dress pants.

Ah, well… I suppose clothes being too big is a problem most women would jump at having… I’m certainly not upset about the weight loss, just the financial difficulties of the inability to wear certain key pieces of my wardrobe!

Good thoughts from Henri Nouwen

Some good emails that arrived in my inbox over the weekend from the Henri Nouwen society...

What Is Most Personal Is Most Universal

We like to make a distinction between our private and public lives and say, "Whatever I do in my private life is nobody else's business." But anyone trying to live a spiritual life will soon discover that the most personal is the most universal, the most hidden is the most public, and the most solitary is the most communal. What we live in the most intimate places of our beings is not just for us but for all people. That is why our inner lives are lives for others. That is why our solitude is a gift to our community, and that is why our most secret thoughts affect our common life.

Jesus says, "No one lights a lamp to put it under a tub; they put it on the lamp-stand where it shines for everyone in the house" (Matthew 5:14-15). The most inner light is a light for the world. Let's not have "double lives"; let us allow what we live in private to be known in public.

Bringing Our Secrets into the Light

We all have our secrets: thoughts, memories, feelings that we keep to ourselves. Often we think, "If people knew what I feel or think, they would not love me." These carefully kept secrets can do us much harm. They can make us feel guilty or ashamed and may lead us to self-rejection, depression, and even suicidal thoughts and actions.

One of the most important things we can do with our secrets is to share them in a safe place, with people we trust. When we have a good way to bring our secrets into the light and can look at them with others, we will quickly discover that we are not alone with our secrets and that our trusting friends will love us more deeply and more intimately than before. Bringing our secrets into the light creates community and inner healing. As a result of sharing secrets, not only will others love us better but we will love ourselves more fully.

Hidden Greatness

There is much emphasis on notoriety and fame in our society. Our newspapers and television keep giving us the message: What counts is to be known, praised, and admired, whether you are a writer, an actor, a musician, or a politician.

Still, real greatness is often hidden, humble, simple, and unobtrusive. It is not easy to trust ourselves and our actions without public affirmation. We must have strong self-confidence combined with deep humility. Some of the greatest works of art and the most important works of peace were created by people who had no need for the limelight. They knew that what they were doing was their call, and they did it with great patience, perseverance, and love.

Quick thoughts...

Can I just say that when I set my mind to cooking, I'm very good at it? I had a fantastic dinner last night... Sweet chili beef and peppers and onions, done in a wrap, with lettuce, and tzatziki sauce. (And carrot sticks on the side). So good.

Also, I made significant progress on my list of "things still to do today" from my last post. Over half-way done (which is way more than I expected.)

I got some good time in journalling. I lit candles, and made my bedroom back into a peaceful, prayerful space, instead of a dumping zone for my belongings. I have a list of things that need to get done this week (yes, I'm back to using the list method of organizing my life.) I gracefully extricated myself from a committment I never wanted to be a part of anyway, giving myself one more free night to be at home, resting and writing this week. (The need for rest and quiet has been huge lately, and writing wise, my brand new journal, purchased the day after I returned home, and begun on Valentines Day is nearly a third full. The words have been coming - on paper at least - since coming home.) I burnt incense (a gift from Shelley) for the first time since coming home... I needed to smell it last night. I needed the reminders it carries with it.

And, I think I slept for almost 5.5 hours. Still tons of dreams. There hasn't been a night without the dreams since coming home, but, even though they remained full and intense last night, I don't feel quite as exhausted this morning.

Plus, I had a walk and train ride into work that was full of interesting thoughts for further exploration, all of which I quickly jotted in my journal on the last leg of the train ride.

This could actually be an okay Monday!

Today

Things I've Done Today

• Gone to church.
• Speak at church and show slides from Malta.
• Initiate the possibility of a late spring retreat in Canmore with my youth kids
• Send several emails
• Eat leftover pancakes and a slice of back bacon for lunch
• packaged a birthday gift for a friend
• written a birthday card to go with the gift
  
• bought a notebook to keep in my purse for those "I have to write that down" moments
• gone to the post office to mail the birthday gift and card
• hung out on my couch
• bought some really great greeting cards (have you seen the Fresh Ink line from Hallmark? so suited to my sense of humor and that of my friends)
  

Things I Should Still Do Today (and may or may not accomplish)

• bake muffins
• wash dishes
• clean my bedroom
• work on a couple different writing projects
• change the sheets on my bed
• wash the dirty set of sheets
  
• grocery shop
• make some thank you cards
• cook something (anything really) containing either fruit or vegetables
• go through a stack of mail that accumulated while I was away
• return the dvds I rented on Monday
  

Reverting

My sleep schedule is completely messed up. And I've been home for two weeks now, so I can't blame it on jet lag.

I blame it on a couple of friends. They know who they are.

They messed up my life by introducing me to some really deep things. And now, I don't sleep. I dream, I see things, but I don't do a lot of sleeping. (Although, to be fair, I've never been known for my ability to sleep.)

But that's not the point of this post. The point is, I like weekends.

On weekends, I can take life slow, and I can revert to my natural night owl state. I can be sitting here, at 12:43 am, writing a post for you, instead of lying in bed, attempting sleep. I don't have to worry (too much) about the next morning, because I usually don't have plans. Or, if I do have plans, I can always take a nap later in the day. (Have I mentioned that I liked the whole "siesta" thing from noon-4 every day in Malta?)

Tomorrow night I'll attempt to be in bed by midnight, with my lights out. Because that's about when I normally go to bed. But tonight? the sky's the limit baby!

(okay, so, this is the last thing I'm doing, with the possible exception of reading a bit of a novel before sleep, but I COULD stay up if I wanted to!)

Real thoughts to come after sleeping... good night!

One of Those Days

This has been one of those days.

Where everything hits you in ways that you didn't expect.

Where everything is connected to something.

(You might say "everything is spiritual" - or at least my friend Shelley might say that!)

I've got a couple of long thought posts brewing in my brain. Coming soon.

Later.

Lenten Resolutions

I almost quit my job yesterday. My second day back was that bad. Thankfully today went slightly more smoothly.

I came home from my trip with the realization that what had been stripped from me over the course of five weeks, and magnified as Lent began, was the ability to disengage, to hide from the painful things, or to avoid them. These days, when I employ avoidance tactics, all I can think about is how I'm avoiding something.

I'm thinking the Lenten season could be LONG this year.

My Lenten resolution this year? To take care of myself for a change.

I am often guilty of pouring myself out for others, putting them well before my own needs. (Not that this is bad.)

I've just come from a really intense trip, and I find myself walking personally through some very intense things. For a little while I need to take care of me. I need to make decisions to do things that are life-giving for me. I need to do things that are not done out of pure obligation.

I'm going to make choices that are caring for myself for a little while. To try and set some new habits - ones that will serve me well long term. I'm going to eat more conciously, instead of grabbing whatever is handy. I'm going to try and exercise a bit more regularly. I'm going to spend time daily writing in my journal.

For just a while I'm going to take care of me, and it feels really selfish to say it, but I think it's necessary.

True Intimacy - Henri Nouwen

I received another very challenging email from Henri Nouwen this morning... speaks to some things I've been thinking about lately...

True Intimacy

Human relationships easily become possessive. Our hearts so much desire to be loved that we are inclined to cling to the person who offers us love, affection, friendship, care, or support. Once we have seen or felt a hint of love, we want more of it. That explains why lovers so often bicker with each other. Lovers' quarrels are quarrels between people who want more of each other than they are able or willing to give.

It is very hard for love not to become possessive because our hearts look for perfect love and no human being is capable of that. Only God can offer perfect love. Therefore, the art of loving includes the art of giving one another space. When we invade one another's space and do not allow the other to be his or her own free person, we cause great suffering in our relationships. But when we give another space to move and share our gifts, true intimacy becomes possible.

Tears

Came across this "cartoon" today. Thought it was beautiful. Loved his title, too. "No Words."

Discombobulated

I’m feeling sort of discombobulated today.

Could be the five(ish) hours of sleep I got last night, or the dream I had before waking. Could be any number of things.

I’m missing the button on my pants. It came off as I was getting dressed. I have it in my pocket, since I didn’t have time to sew it back on. I’m not even sure I own a needle and appropriately colored thread at this point. I put a belt on instead. Hiding the way the waistband of my pants gaps, and effectively keeping my pants up.

I was just in the bathroom here at the office, and a glance in the mirror reminded me that I am also missing a set of earrings. I have two piercings in each ear lobe. Yesterday I wore funky dangly earrings to work instead of the basic gold posts I wear probably 85% of the time. I never put my posts back in when I got home last night, and today, I am earringless – which only matters when you consider that I have posts in my top piercing, but not my bottom one.

I’m making mental lists. Things I need to do today. Things at work that need to be done today. Things at work that need to be done this week. Things that need to be done at home, but not necessarily today. Emails I need to write. Journal thoughts that need to be recorded. I’m mentally working through the lists – almost to the point of putting them on paper – working to sort and prioritize and figure out what needs to be done when. I’m out of practice at sorting and prioritizing, and it’s taking a lot of mental energy.

Coming back to the office after five weeks away is a bit of a challenge. New people, some gone. A mess on my desk because apparently my replacement did a less than stellar job of filling my job.

There was one day in Rome where I spent the whole day fighting a mental and spiritual battle. Wandering through a beautiful place, with dear friends, and only half-way engaged with what I was seeing and doing. It was an old battle, one I’ve fought before, and one I expect to fight again.

I’m feeling a little of that battle today. And it’s making me discombobulated.

Monday afternoon thoughts

It's my last day of freedom. Tomorrow I go back to work, and to what I suspect is going to be quite a mess.

I'm sitting here, ensconced on the couch in our living room, as I have been for much of the time since I got home last Tuesday evening. Comfortable, with books and a journal within easy reach, and writing (which I've spent great chunks of time engaged in since returning home as well).

My roommate just went out for a bit, taking our recycling with her. She has errands to run for a while, and I'm meaning to make the most of a quiet house to accomplish one last push of journaling before returning to work and being unable to devote long chunks of my day to writing, thinking, praying.

She and I, and my brother, T., went to Elbow Falls this morning for a while. A place I love to go - close to the city, but no longer in it - in what can rightly be referred to as wilderness. I don't think I can live in the city much longer. I think I need a break. A slower pace of life. I want to live somewhere where I can walk to the grocery store - where I can walk within 30 minutes to most of the places I would need to be. I want to live somewhere with friends and community. I'm not ready to transplant myself just yet (I don't want to go through any more transitions for a little while) - there's even a neighborhood in Calgary that I've loved for a long time that would fit a lot of my qualifications. I'm not ready to move anytime soon, but I'm starting to think about it, to pray about it, to wait for Jesus to direct my next steps.

And with that, I'm off to work on the writing...

Appearance and Comfort

Can I be completely shallow for a few minutes and tell you that I looked really good today?

That I wore a really cute jean skirt, and one of my favorite slightly bohemian tops, with great earrings and a scarf from Malta. That I paired the skirt with comfy tights (since it's winter) and these really cute suede boots that I also bought in Malta.

That I showered and did my hair. That I wore my favorite perfume, and took time to carefully do my makeup.

That I felt pretty, and it was nice to feel that way.

Can I also just say that I am just presently taking great pleasure in the fact that I've come home for the evening, scrubbed my face clean of the make-up, re-applied some lip balm (my lips are dry since returning from the Mediterranean), and changed clothes. I'm comfortable and happy. I'm wearing my favorite yoga capris, and a flowy east indian top that someone gave my roommate, and she was wearing yesterday to clean our house. I commented on the top, and she asked if I wanted it, since she didn't particularly like it, and would never wear it out of the house. I jumped on the chance, and am already figuring out how to debut it in my everyday wardrobe, but, for the moment, I'm wearing it with yoga capris and relaxing comfortably on the couch.

Pretty is great. But comfortable is pretty good too.

drained

Tired is a good way to describe how I'm feeling today. Drained.

Still occupying those raw spaces from yesterday - thinking they're not going away for a while. Thinking I'm actually mostly okay with that, though just at the moment they feel a little overwhelming.

Spent time with people today.

Tea/Coffee with a friend this morning. So good. To talk openly about my trip, not the sanitized results driven version that I'll share with most. Sharing God stories. The promise of more time together, of time to pray for and with each other.

Then mom picked me up. We had a good conversation.

Went to a baby shower for a young friend of mine who gave birth three weeks ago while I was in Malta. It was so good to see this tiny little girl she brought into the world. A gift of new life.

Funny how drained I feel. A combination of the raw spaces and jet-lag I think.

Praying for deep sleep tonight. Restful sleep.

Needing it badly.

Raw

I'm feeling really raw right now.

Engaged in some deep places. Looking to avoid some others.

Feeling some deep wounds - some new some older - and hoping to see healing in all of them.

writing and space

Spent several chunks of today just sitting with a journal. I'm beginning to suspect that few of the really important things from my trip are going to make it onto this blog. They'll have to be saved for face-to-face or phone conversations if you really want to hear them. Some of them will probably not even make it to that point.

I'm so glad (despite my griping at my inability to schedule time with friends) that I was unable to fill the time I've had this week, and that I scheduled the time for processing before returning to work.

Part of what I'm committed to in Lent this year is pursuing writing in my journal again. Hopefully on a daily basis. I'm committed to processing the things that have begun within me over the course of the last five weeks, and I think that needs to happen first on paper, before it ever makes it to this blog.

So I'll still blog, but maybe not with the depth I've sometimes applied. You may see more thoughts from others, more links to articles, more humor, and less of my own essays.

I need to make sure I take this space. That I let Lent work in me again this year.

Headlines and Articles

Since I got up half-hour ago or so, I've been browsing news headlines and various articles, and thought I'd return to the tradition of sharing the ones that have caught my attention with all of you... So...

Avoiding Hollywood's Lure

A Generations' Epidemic

Gunman Kills 6 at US University

HIV Vaccine Research Hits Impasse

Trafficking: A Very Modern Slavery

AIDS Patients Hit by Kenya Crisis

Grief Haunts Peru Quake Survivors

Peru's Potato Passion Goes Global

To be blessed...

I know, I know, after a month of hardly writing, I've put lots of little things up today. But I've been catching up, and some of the things I've come across have just been too beautiful not to share.

My friend Faye, of the ever challengingly honest posts wrote a post in poem form recently - a meditation of sorts on candles and life. I love the way Faye thinks and writes. So deep and personal, and yet integrating her coursework, the things she happens to be reading and listening to, whatever's been going on in her world. She used colors in this one the way she always does, and they add something to her posts. They work for her in ways they'd never work for me were I to attempt such a thing. You can find the whole post here, but, I'm going to steal just a few lines from it, and put them on my own blog - giving her credit of course - because they caught me where I'm at today, as I work to process the impact of five weeks away from home, in the midst of intense situations.

John says:
"Jesus breathed on his disciples"
before his ascent-
"a blessing".
We generally avoid being breathed on.
Breath is stinky,
wet,
contagious,
a violation of our personal space.
Maybe we need to be violated
to be blessed.

In Honor of Valentine's Day...

In honor of the day, I thought I'd share one picture from my recent trip to Rome. This, my friend's is the purported skull of St. Valentine. Just in case you were unclear that it was St. Valentine from the sign nearby labeling it as such, make sure you note the lovely piece of tape across the skull, making sure you know just exactly whose bones you're looking at!



Happy Valentine's Day Everyone!

Bless the Darkness

Was reading through some archived posts of mine, and came across this quote, which I thought I'd pass along all over again, because it is speaking to places I have found myself over the course of the last month.

Bless the darkness around you.
That’s why you’re a poet.
As the night presses inward
you radiate beams of light.

Voznesekií

Pictures

So, I just spent probably 2 hours putting a bunch of my photos from the trip up on facebook albums... If you're interested in seeing them, you can either look me up on facebook, OR, follow the links below.

Malta 1
Malta 2
Malta 3
Malta 4
Malta 5
Malta 6
Malta 7

Rome 1
Rome 2
Rome 3
Rome 4

London

Suffering Amidst Gemstones

Was catching up on my blog reading this morning and came across this post.

Loved the dream this guy had, and the image that came from it.

Reminded me of conversations with a friend over the course of my trip. Reminded me of Lent, and ducking my head in St. Peter's Basilica in Rome as a Priest sprinkled ashes across my head, saying (in Italian, I think) some variation of, "Remember that you are dust and to dust you will return. Turn away from sin and be faithful to the gospel." Something so deep and profound in that moment shared with two friends and hundreds of strangers. Something I am still struggling to bring words to.

Mostly Asleep

Just wanted to let you all know that contrary to my first night home, when I went to bed at 9:30, slept until 1:30 am, was up from 1:30-4:00, and then slept from 4:00 until 8:30 or so, last night I fell asleep reading somewhere around 10 or 10:30, and stayed in bed, mostly asleep until 7:30 this morning. Jet lag is slowly going away... very, very glad for that!

Updated Reading List

Added a few titles to the reading list for 2008 in my sidebar. One of those books I've actually read twice already this year, and am in the midst of reading a third time (Echoes). One of them will get it's own post in the next week or two, as it's been vastly inspiring and challenging, and will require me to read it at least once more as well (Take This Bread).

To be lifted...

One of my friends has this as her facebook status update...

"...... is praying for heavy hearts and tired arms to be lifted."

Love that as an update. Love that she's praying for that.

Thinking I'm going to go light some candles, and lay in a hot bath, and join her in her prayers.

A List Post (To Prove I'm Really Home!)

Two lists for you today - "Things that are Making Me Smile" and "To Do List"

Things that are Making Me Smile

• clean jeans after wearing the same ones nearly every day for close to five weeks
• long shower
• the possibility of taking a shower and a bubble bath in the same day, without adversely affecting anyone's water bill (thankful for utilities included in our rent)
• Matt Redman's song "Salvation" which kind of defined chunks of my trip
• slow, lazy schedule
• an email from Shelley
• a fortune from the fortune cookie that came with my Vietnamese food last night "your lucky number this week is nine" - kind of an inside joke, but a great smile reminder anyway!
• quiet, empty house while my roommate is at work
• the prospect of purchasing a new journal today
  
• a house where you don't have to wear 5 layers of clothing indoors (no marble floors in sight!)
• central heating
• my own bed
• prospects of reconnecting with some friends and family now that I'm home
• no need for socks for sleeping (or for walking around the house) - bare feet are where it's at today
• fresh snow outside - that I don't have to go out into unless I want to, but it sure looks pretty!
• a beautiful rosary and crucifix purchased in Rome, and an icon purchased in Malta
  

Things to Do in the Next Day or Two

• go to the bank and exchange currency back to Canadian dollars
• buy a new journal
• buy a baby gift
• sort out the gifts from my trip for various people
• unpack
• burn a cd for a friend
• get over jet-lag
• buy cough drops
• laundry
• change voicemail message to indicate I'm back in the country
• call my best friend, M.
• call my baby brother, T.
• learn how to use the chat feature in g-mail
• write a blog post (oh, wait, that one's nearly done)
• cook - food that is post travel upset stomach friendly
• light candles
• burn incense
• long walk in the park
  

Home

Made it home. Finally.

Not exactly sure how I feel about that yet, but looking forward to sleeping in my own bed tonight, and not sharing a bed/bedroom for the first time in a month.

More thoughts/some pictures later.

Oh, and if you're looking for a great place to visit - I highly recommend Rome.

New Things

Not sure what to write. I leave Malta at 5:55 am tomorrow morning. I think it's going to take me a long, long time to understand the things this trip has done in my heart and life.

There are new things springing up within me. Sometimes they scare me, sometimes they excite me. Generally they feel as if they are going to bring both great pain, and great beauty. But I think that all the really beautiful things in life do that.

I had a beautiful moment in a field yesterday, with two friends. One that was just for me, and not be shared. One I've needed, full of grace and healing and peace.

Tomorrow I head for Rome for a few days, than London for a few days, before heading home to Calgary. I also head into Lent tomorrow. I'm beginning the process of having a conversation with the Lord about what Lent will look like this year. It tends to be a profound season in my life.

I'm grateful for the places, the people, the things I've experienced over the last month. But I still feel as if there aren't many words for it. I'm thankful that several of my dearest friends have been here with me, sharing the experience with me. It would be hard to have gone through this trip alone - to have no one to hash it over with upon my return to Canada and the world of day to day life.

I think transitions are probably coming when I get home, too. Not ready to give voice to those yet, but quite sure they're in the works.

I'm going home with a renewed desire to experience life deeply. To pursue the things I'm interested in.

I'm going to take yoga, and photography. I'm going to learn Spanish. I'm going to continue to dream of ways to make it possible to continue to travel like this for lengths of time. I'm going to plan a trip to Peru. I'm going to work at allowing my heart to be open to the world. I'm going to pray about a trip to Africa. I'm going to figure out what it means to walk out who I really am in the context of my day to day life, and not just in the context of a month away from my routines, on the other side of the planet. I'm going to spend time with the friends I really value, and work on developing relationship with a few that I'd like to know better. I'm going to find people in Calgary to pray with on a regular basis.

Okay... I think I'm done for now... I have a few emails to send before heading into the city to do some last minute shopping...

Internet probably won't be that accessible for the rest of my trip, so this may be it until I get home. See you in a week or so!

Full week, no words....

This is me, on the wall at Floriana... can't tell you a lot about this moment right now, but it was a really good one...
These are the "girls" (minus Kari) from the trip... Dar, Bree, Shelley, Me, and Bethany.

This has been a very full week. No words for you right now. My friend Shelley says I'm avoiding things - it's probably true. Thought you might like to see a couple of photos, though...

High Places

The walk this morning was great. Beautiful. I'll try to put pictures up sometime soon.

I continue to witness things. Not often understanding, not always seeing clearly, but always witnessing.

Until later...