Daily 5 - Day 50

50 Days. How crazy is that? At what point do I stop numbering these posts, and just start dating them? I kind of like the numbers, though. They remind me that I've hit milestones of time. That I'm making little steps towards positive changes within myself. They help me feel like something is being achieved in showing up here each day. 50 days seems like a pretty good milestone.

In any case, here's today's daily 5:

1. Two sets of great deals while at the mall tonight. One at the Body Shop on products I wasn't out of, but use constantly. And one at my favorite clothing store, where, for about $90 of products, I only spent $45, since they gave me a $20 discount just for trying on a coat (that I loved but didn't buy), and since I had a gift card left over from my birthday to cover another portion of the bill. Plus, the two tops, cute sweater, and scarf that I bought will likely all become wardrobe staples for me.
2. Freshly laundered sheets, pajamas, and towels. I do love that clean, fresh smell.
3. Having a night off from cooking dinner and eating the great food that L. cooked for us
   
4. A quiet free evening with no commitments, and just time spent shopping with L.
5. That today was slightly (if only slightly) smoother at work than the previous two days this week.
   

3 From Henri

Three thoughts from Henri Nouwen surrounding baptism and eucharist.

Baptism, the Way to Community

Baptism is more than a way to spiritual freedom. It also is the way to community. Baptising a person, whether child or adult, is receiving that person into the community of faith. Those who are reborn from above through baptism, and are called to live the life of sons and daughters of God, belong together as members of one spiritual family, the living body of Christ. When we baptise people, we welcome them into this family of God and offer them guidance, support, and formation, as they grow to the full maturity of the Christ-like life.

Baptism, a Call to Commitment

Baptism as a way to the freedom of the children of God and as a way to a life in community calls for a personal commitment. There is nothing magical or automatic about this sacrament. Having water poured over us while someone says, "I baptise you in the Name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit," has lasting significance when we are willing to claim and reclaim in all possible ways the spiritual truth of who we are as baptised people.

In this sense baptism is a call to parents of baptised children and to the baptised themselves to choose constantly for the light in the midst of a dark world and for life in the midst of a death-harbouring society.

Eucharist, the Sacrament of Communion

Baptism opens the door to the Eucharist. The Eucharist is the sacrament through which Jesus enters into an intimate, permanent communion with us. It is the sacrament of the table. It is the sacrament of food and drink. It is the sacrament of daily nurture. While baptism is a once-in-a-lifetime event, the Eucharist can be a monthly, weekly, or even daily occurrence. Jesus gave us the Eucharist as a constant memory of his life and death. Not a memory that simply makes us think of him but a memory that makes us members of his body. That is why Jesus on the evening before he died took bread saying, "This is my Body," and took the cup saying, "This is my Blood." By eating the Body and drinking the Blood of Christ, we become one with him.

Surgery, Dreams, Atmosphere...

I'm still deeply pondering the things I talked about here.

Someone I've seen a few times in rather significant dreams is having surgery this morning to remove a cancerous mass, so that they can take next steps in treatment. The mass is the size of an apple, under their sternum. I don't know them well, only that they've appeared in some incredibly deep and memorable dreams. Their family has been through much, and a cancer diagnosis was almost unbelievable. So this morning I find myself praying as they wait through the surgery, and wait for results.

Today's saint of the day is St. Jerome. I sighed just a little as memories hit as I read Jerome's biography. He reminds me of some others I know or have known, people I love and pray for. The temper, the sometimes vitriolic writings, and the immense commitment to truth. Truth be told, as I write that, I recognize some of those tendencies in my own heart as well. And so I am praying for some of those others, and for those tendencies within me to be curbed by a heart that truly seeks to live in surrender and obedience to Jesus.

I'm thinking a lot about atmosphere, too. Some of you will know that I have become remarkably sensitive to the spiritual atmopshere in people and places over the last few years. All week this week I've been unable to get warm. I've worn extra layers, sat with magic bags around my neck, sipped tea, and been freezing. But mostly only at the office. A quick hot shower when I got home could usually shake the mess. This morning I was in an incredibly prayerful space as I drove to work, praying for the person having surgery, and for those whom St. Jerome had called to mind. Maybe because I was in an even more sensitive space than usual, I felt the shift. I went from being warm and comfortable, to cold, as I stepped into the building.

It shouldn't surprise me. I've known all week that something was up here again. There have been more than the usual numbers of flaring tempers, incompetence, and spikes in the nearly constant levels of tension. But this morning it was incredibly noticeable.

So, I'm praying prayers of shielding and asking for peace, and I'm hoping for a day that is a bit crazy than the last two have been.

And in between all of these things, I'm still pondering Sunday's trip. A day spent in the Southern part of the province, walking and praying and seeing and experiencing. A day that I don't have a lot of words for yet.

Daily 5 - Day 49

Today's Daily 5:

1. A pretty sunrise, and sun that wasn't shining directly in my eyes as I drove to work this morning
2. A night last night where I actually got a few hours of sleep.
3. Making hamburgers for supper and using the George Foreman grill that my parents gave me for my birthday for the first time. I'll definitely be using it regularly.
4. Peak Freans Fruit Creme Cookies (the originals, not the new "healthy" version)
5. getting grocery shopping out of the way tonight, and knowing that means that I can have tomorrow evening off
   

Stacking Up in my Inbox Again

I've had a few thoughts and quotes and things stacking up in my inbox again, waiting to be shared, so, while I'm waiting for my roommate to get home, so that we can grocery shop, I thought I'd seize the opportunity to clean up my inbox and share these bits and pieces with all of you!

~~~

Spirituality is about being ready. All the spiritual disciplines of your life—prayer, study, meditation or ritual, religious vows—are there so you can break through to the eternal. Spirituality is about awakening the eyes, the ears, the heart so you can see what’s always happening right in front of you.

— from Jesus' Plan For A New World

~~~

Jesus, sometimes I lose hope and cling to the darkness. Give me the courage to trust that you are present—even where I am broken and stagnant—bringing life out of death, hope out of despair and joy out of grief.

— from What Jesus Said and Why it Matters Now

~~~

The Moravian Daily Text Reading from Sunday:

Thus far the Lord has helped us. 1 Samuel 7:12

Paul wrote: The Lord stood by me and gave me strength, so that through me the
message might be fully proclaimed. 2 Timothy 4:17

Thank you, dear God, for your patience in teaching us your ways. Thank you for
helping us even when we did not want or ask for your help. Impart to us your
patient and loving ways that we may proclaim, with compassion and mercy, your
ways to others. Amen.

Half-Way

The work day is half-way over.

I finished all twelve parts of the first project. The one that I'll be re-doing all twelve parts of sometime in the next couple of weeks.

I've heard all about the ridiculous comments someone made regarding someone else's performance. If only they weren't going to be official. Have I mentioned that kissing butt is a particular skill of a couple of staff members? And that they always get their way, no matter how ridiculous it is?

I'm moving on to frustrating phone calls and otherwise less than stimulating projects.

It's that kind of day.

But, it's half-way over, and I am making hamburgers for dinner tonight.

And doing some planning stuff for my upcoming trip.

And just generally not being at the office.

And all of those things are worth celebrating!

Untitled (Because I'm Lacking Creativity This Morning)

I'm still pondering the things I was pondering yesterday, though thankfully the weightiness of yesterday seems to have receeded a bit.

The quote for the day on the calendar on my desk yesterday read, "Give me a heart as big as the universe!" (Saint Frances Xavier Cabrini) Which in the space I was in yesterday made me cringe just a little. I think my exact thoughts as I read were something along the lines of, "Shoot, I just prayed that as I read it. I don't want that. Especially not today when I'm finding just the little space around me overwhelming!" I'm vascillating today between wanting to pray for an ever expanding heart, and wanting desperately to avoid that very idea.

It's definitely autumn now. The weather is dry, and chilly.

I lack the ability to heat my body thoroughly on good days, but the last few days have been brutal. As I sit here writing I have two magic bags wrapped around me and a cup of passion tea at the ready. I caved to the changing weather (and the being tired of being an ice cube all day) and wore knee socks this morning too.

The last two hours of work yesterday were brutal, and produced a long list of extremely ridiculous demands on my time for today. Nothing like completing a project for a clueless manager who sucks up well, knowing that you'll have to redo the entire project sometime within the next two weeks because the requirements for it are being modified again. And I have two or three of those little numbers sitting on my desk today. Hooray! (Can you picture my eyes rolling?)

But, with all that on my plate I'd better get at it I guess... See ya later...

Daily 5 - Day 48

Today was not an easy day in any respect, making it more challenging to sit here tonight and come up with a daily 5, but here I am! Perhaps tomorrow I'll post a few photos from yesterday's wanderings...

Today's Daily 5:

1. Discovering inadvertantly that someone else is taking up the daily 5 habit definitely made me smile.
2. Seeing my mom for a treatment after work that helped to relax incredibly tight shoulder and neck muscles a bit
3. A long hot shower, and letting the shower ease the sore muscles even further
4. A quiet evening, sorting and uploading photos, while watching Grey's Anatomy on dvd
5. home made chocolate chip cookies to round out the evening
   

Exhale...

It was an incredibly long day at the office today.

Flaring of various issues.

Controlling and manipulative people.

Passive agressivity.

Exhale.

It was good to get out of that atmosphere.

And better that I had a pre-arranged treatment at Mom's to help relax my overly tight muscles.

Exhale.

And keep breathing. And start again fresh tomorrow.

Of dreams, rebellion, surrender, and choosing differently

I am having a not so good morning, and right now, what I want to do more than anything is go home and lay in bed feeling sorry for myself. Probably not the most productive possibility, but it sure sounds good right now.

For much of the last two years, I've been existing in a space that was more dead than alive. Just under 50 days ago, I encountered Jesus (again) in a powerful way, and decided to start making some different choices. I decided I wanted my life back, that it could no longer be stolen by the powerful forces that I'd lived at the whim of for so long. I decided I was going to choose to really live. And, in the midst of that, to choose to be joyful, even in the midst of the really hard moments. To tackle the incredibly negative internal dialogue and try to see the world differently. The "Daily 5" lists that have been showing up regularly here on my blog are a part of that attempt to encounter the world differently, to be less overwhelmed by the seemingly negative, and to focus on the positive things in life.

There have been very smooth days, and very hard days in that process.

Today is a hard day.

I've not rested (though I've slept just a bit) in two nights.

I woke this morning from clear and disturbing dreams, touching deeply on themes of forgiveness, healthy boundaries, human relationships, family, friendships and hurt. Themes that lead to ongoing thoughts pondering the subjects of rebellion and surrender.

I dreamt indirectly of a particular couple that I grew up with. One of those really challenging couples if you're a pastor's kid. Very demanding, doesn't take "no" well, must know everything about your life and business. That kind of couple.

I dreamt of them (her actually) once before. About 5 or 6 years ago. In that dream my frustration was evident, as was my newly discovered ability to say "no." I distinctly remember waking from that dream, shocked, because I'd told her to f*** off. Not language I tend to use. Certainly not language that is common in my dreams. The dream unsettled me then, and the similar themes of boundaries, rebellion, and un-forgiveness of last night's dream (though minus the swearing) were just as unsettling today.

My definition of rebellion is becoming infinitely more subtle than it once was. It used to only include the overt behaviours - the "out loud" things of life. The two year old pitching a temper tantrum in the toy store because he was told he can't have his way. These days I wonder if rebellion is not a far more subtle thing. If it is not somehow rebellion each and every time I choose to harbor something because I feel it is my "right" to be hurt or indignant. If it is not rebellion that I choose at times to hold on to these things, when I know it is clearly not the way of Jesus.

Surrender is never easy. That letting go of my rights in favor of something bigger. And it doesn't seem to matter how many times I do it, it never gets much easier. It remains a challenge. Maybe it's that I have a strong sense of justice (imparted by my dad), and surrender rarely seems just. And yet, it seems somehow necessary.

Tears flowed, this morning, as I condsidered all these things, and listened to the song playing on the stereo as I drove. And even that listening was an act of surrender. Because I wasn't in the mood to surrender. I wanted to listen to the song that talked about the ooey-gooey love of Jesus for me, to feel good about myself, when I knew I was harboring some less than holy thoughts. The last song I wanted to put on was one with the rather telling title of "I Surrender." So I played the song and let the tears flow. Because my heart hurts and I really wanted to hang on to those hurts. Because I am exhausted and I never cope well with the world in those moments. Because inbetween two sleepless nights I had an eleven hour marathon of traveling and prayer and intensity yesterday, and I'm feeling spent. Because the justice I want will never be mine, and I will need to once again (to quote DC Talk!) "give up the rights to myself."

A friend reminded me in an early morning email that today is Yom Kippur - the day of Atonement. The holiest day of the year for Jews. I'd known it was coming, even commented to my roommate that the timing of my trip yesterday, the day before Yom Kippur was unique, but I'd forgotten in the crazyness of sleepless nights and a very full day.

The reminder hit hard, and is continuing to carry a certain weight with it as I pray and ponder the day. As I consider the dreams of last night, and my own broken heart, and a commitment to move forward with life. To choose joy amidst very trying circumstances. To see differently.

I have been challenged recently by the need to see differently. To take things like the dreams and thoughts and hurts to Jesus and ask "How do you see this?" or "What are you doing about this?" It's a series of thoughts that I'll perhaps write more about at a future time.

For the moment, I'm going to quietly go about my work day, let the themes of rebellion, surrender, forgiveness, atonement, and joy sit within me. And I'm going to ask Jesus "How do you see this? What are you doing about this? What are you asking me to do?" And I'm going to pray for ears that are able to hear his answers.

Daily 5 - Day 47

Today's Daily 5:

1. Laughing with L. along the course of our 11 hour journey
2. The perfect sunshine, fall sky, and lighting for walking and photo taking
3. That George handled the nearly 500 kilometers we put him through without a hitch
4. moments that confirmed in the funniest ways that only I could know that I was walking where I needed to be today
5. The comfort of my pjs and bed after a VERY long and full day. I'm really excited about being in the pjs and in bed.
   

Early

It's Sunday morning, fairly early, and I'm awake.

Partly because my alarm just went off, reminding me that I need to be out the door in an hour, with a full day ahead.

Partly because I slept minimally all night. Tossing and turning, trying to quiet my brain. And dreaming in the few moments I did sleep.

I thought of two other friends who struggle with sleep as I lay awake at one point, and prayed that I was the only one of the three of us awake. Sort of one of those odd prayers where you tell God that if I have to be awake, can I have their struggles to, so that they can sleep?

I have a very full day ahead. Lots of driving, and some walking and thinking and praying. I'll perhaps talk more about it tonight. A day that feels a bit weighty to me. Like a step backwards towards some things that nearly destroyed me, and yet also a step forwards towards a calling and dream from God.

It's early, and I'm lying here in the dark, putting off my day for just a few more minutes. Catching up on the lives of friends around the blog world. Thinking, praying, waiting.

Time to get up.

Daily 5 - Day 46

Today's Daily 5:

1. Encouraging words from a dear friend, reminding me that I am seen and deeply loved, by others, and by Jesus
2. A reminder from Jesus while I was at church of moments he has been with me, protecting me, even when I didn't know it at the time
3. simple and satisfying meals - raisin toast, turkey sandwiches, nachos...
4. sleeping a bit longer than usual this morning... even with the dreams the extra bit of rest was helpful
5. a quiet afternoon spent thinking, writing, praying, and watching Grey's Anatomy on DVD
   

Saturday Sorts of Thing

I did errands this morning. Groceries, and the vitamin store. A trip to the electronics shop to get a USB hub for my laptop.

At various points in between I've been home. To make breakfast and sort out vitamins. To make lunch. To rest.

I managed to get through a 25 minute yoga dvd, all the while working on not cursing or dropping out of the poses too soon due to pain and trembling muscles. It would seem some of my flexibility has disappeared in the last couple of years.

And, just for those of you who wondered if I was really serious when I said I needed a system to sort my vitamins, I took a picture while they were all spread out across my coffee table, during the weekly process of sorting into the thrice daily containers I pop into my purse each morning. Plus, I think there are a few, that I take only at bedtime, and thus don't have to sort, that are missing!

Good Morning World

I was thinking that I'd be able to take this Saturday morning nice and slow, and spend it in my pjs on the couch.

And then I realized that I have neither food for breakfast, nor some of the vitamins necessary to take with breakfast, and that I'll need to run errands, sooner than later, in order to get the necessities. And they are necessities if you know me well, both the food (who'd have ever thought that I'd consider breakfast a necessity???) and the vitamins. It's also a necessity to take them at certain times of day, which I'm already pushing a bit.

So, I'm up. and I'm off.

I put a "ruby" in my nose today. I just felt like rubies today.

More later.

Daily 5 - Day 45

Today's daily 5:

1. a long evening drive through dusk, sunset, and darkness, through autumn colors and lovely foothills and forest, with my brother T.
2. jeans at work today
3. collecting hugs from a few different family and friends
4. having time to read through tons of news stories and see what hit me
5. the beauty of the fields and chatting and listening to music with T. as we drove
   

Catching Up on the News

I read quite a few news stories this morning, and the following ones caught my attention for a variety of reasons, funny or more serious.

Canadian Young Adults Greener, Better Traveled, and More Free-Spirited Than American Counterparts - this one just made me smile, since I hold dual Canadian/American citizenship, and I'm not totally sure which category I'd fall into!

Wall of Smoke Leaves Calgary Area in a Haze - I've definitely noticed the smoke, particularly on Wednesday, and the smell that came with it. I'm not complaining too much, though, since it's brought beautiful sunrises and sunsets as well.

Christian Group Condemns Zoo's Elephant Sculpture - I didn't know quite how to respond to this one. I do visit the zoo often, and to be honest, anyone who knows anything about world religions would be able to recognize that this statue is modeled after Ganesh, even if the zoo claims that they had all the religious symbolism removed. I knew immediately the first time I saw it that I was looking at an image of a Hindu deity, and I'm not even all that familiar with Eastern religions. I mostly think the statue is kind of ugly, and I certainly won't be posing with it anytime soon for a picture. However, I would object to the suggestion that the grounds of the zoo become a place for educating the public on world religions, and I cannot imagine a cross and all the other things that the article suggests erecting on the zoo grounds as well. I have to wonder why we as Christians can't be content with the fact that the very scriptures we seek to proclaim talk about all creation crying out and speaking of it's creator. Seems to me that hundreds of animals, beautiful gardens, and park-like grounds that are all constantly "speaking" of their creator means that we've got one slightly ugly sculpture outnumbered anyway. The whole thing makes me think of that famous quote from St. Francis of Assisi "Preach the gospel at all times, and if necessary use words." I just kind of wish Christian groups would stop making a fuss about things like this, and do things like getting involved somewhere. If you're concerned about the zoo, become a volunteer. They have tons of volunteers. Get involved and teach kids about the beauty of the animal world that cries out about it's creator.

Indonesian Baby Weighs in at 19.2 Pounds - Mostly, this one caught my attention because of the picture of the "little" guy between two other babies in the nursery. He's so large that the picture was, to me anyway, truly comical!

New Jersey Woman Celebrates 100th Birthday by Showing up for Work As Usual - How inspiring! This lovely old lady is still going strong. And imagine all the changes she's weathered since her life began in 1909! Even the very fact that she survived the 1918 flu epidemic is fascinating to me (being the history geek that I am!). Think young!

To Vaccinate or Not to Vaccinate - Because Joel Stein almost always has a line or two that makes me laugh. My favorite line this time? "Feder really sees the good side of life-threatening disesases."

A TIME magazine interview with Chuck Colson - Colson is definitely not my favorite voice, but he has demonstrated a consistent integrity, and a commitment to social justice issues through his prison ministry. Would I likely go about things the same way? No. Do I agree with a lot of what he says? No. But do I respect his integrity and believe that if more of the "Christian Right" in North America lived in this way, they'd have a better reputation? Yes. As such, I found it interesting to read his responses to the interviewer.

Two from Henri Nouwen on Baptism

Baptism remains a subject close to my heart, one that I contemplate often... Here are two thoughts from Henri Nouwen on that subject that have recently arrived in my inbox...

Baptism and Eucharist

Sacraments are very specific events in which God touches us through creation and transforms us into living Christs. The two main sacraments are baptism and the Eucharist. In baptism water is the way to transformation. In the Eucharist it is bread and wine. The most ordinary things in life - water, bread, and wine - become the sacred way by which God comes to us.

These sacraments are actual events. Water, bread, and wine are not simple reminders of God's love; they bring God to us. In baptism we are set free from the slavery of sin and dressed with Christ. In the Eucharist, Christ himself becomes our food and drink.

Baptism: Becoming Children of the Light

When Jesus appears for the last time to his disciples, he sends them out into the world saying: "Go, ... make disciples of all nations; baptise them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit" (Matthew 28:19).

Jesus offers us baptism as the way to enter into communion with God, Father, Son, and Spirit, and to live our lives as God's beloved children. Through baptism we say no to the world. We declare that we no longer want to remain children of the darkness but want to become children of the light, God's children. We do not want to escape the world, but we want to live in it without belonging to it. That is what baptism enables us to do.

Daily 5 - Day 44

Today's Daily 5:

1. A night of sleep last night where I only woke once, and didn't have crazy dreams.
2. A simple meal of pasta and homemade cookies for dinner
3. Lavendar scented candles
4. getting to watch the season premiere of Grey's Anatomy
5. Only one day left until the weekend
   

Thursday Evening Plans

After work and a few quick errands, I made it home.

I made bowtie pasta with sweet basil marinara meat sauce for dinner.

There are chocolate chip cookies baking in the oven.

And, I discovered that the season premiere of Grey's Anatomy is on at a reasonable hour tonight, so, instead of watching it online tomorrow or the next day, I have plans to crash on the couch for a couple of hours and watch my favorite television show live.

It's a good way to spend the evening, I think.

Encouraged, and kind of rested

I wrote a dear friend this morning, laughing, because my first thought on waking was to celebrate something as a miracle and massive blessing from Jesus, but it was something that most people experience as "normal".

I woke at about twenty past six this morning, and my first thought, upon glancing at the thought and discovering the time was a rather stunned, "I slept!" After several nights in a row with incredibly minimal sleep, that thought alone was stunning. As I lay there, I realized that not only had I managed to catch some sleep, but I'd only woken once in the eight hours since I'd gone to bed, and, while I'd dreamt, they were "normal" sorts of dreams, rather than the intensely vivid sorts of spiritual experiences I've been having for most of the rest of the week.

A sleep with any one of those things - eight hours, waking only once, or "normal" dreams, is something I would celebrate. A sleep with all three of those things at once definitely falls into the miraculous blessing category for me.

It's interesting to me how the littlest things can be a reminder, and an assurance. How, when I was willing to continue walking out some of the more intense nights and seasons and themes of the last week, but was also feeling exhausted and a bit beaten down, Jesus let me sleep. To me it was a reminder that he loves me deeply, that he sees me and cares for my needs. That I am important to him, even amidst the larger themes and moments.

I'm kind of rested. My muscles are still knotted and causing me pain, and I could use at least another eight hours of peaceful sleep, but I am feeling so encouraged this morning by the simple miracle of having rested deeply for a time. I'm sitting here, sipping tea, considering the joy in me that comes from simply having been seen by Jesus and offered just a bit of rest.

I fell asleep last night on the thought (prayer) that it would be so nice if Jesus would simply hold me and let me rest for a few hours. And perhaps, that is just what he did, letting me rest my head in his lap like a daddy, and turning away all comers that would have sought to disturb my rest. It's kind of a lovely thought to ponder as I head into the day.

Daily 5 - Day 43

My headache remains persistent, and my muscles are still protesting my very existence, but I am finding several things to list as part of today's daily 5:

1. Newly painted finger and toe nails. The toes are bright red this week. Last week I painted them emerald green, which I eventually got used to and loved, but for the first 24 hours, I couldn't decide if it was pretty, or if it just looked like I had a really awful fungus!
2. A quiet evening spent relaxing on the couch.
3. Time spent digging into scriptures that have been playing over and over in my head, in preparation for some plans on the weekend
4. A great frittata that my roommate made for dinner. That is how eggs should always be cooked - in such a way that you mostly can't taste (or more importantly, feel the texture of) the eggs. Plus, I got a night off from cooking!
5. Spending an hour or so sitting in a sunbeam on the "wrong" (the visitor) side of my desk at work this afternoon, perusing promotional catalogs in search of some gift ideas for our volunteers.
   

Pray the Devil Back to Hell

I found this article quite interesting. It talks about this movie, which I would like to see, I think.

A Mish-Mash Again...

Jesus, Living Water, help me trust the surprising and unexpected ways that I encounter you. My thirst brings me to desert places where you are the stranger at the well.

— from "What Jesus Said and Why it Matters Now"

Jesus, help me move beyond my guilt and shame. Teach me to love myself with an unconditional love that heals, transforms and reconciles.

— from "What Jesus Said and Why it Matters Now"

Today's Daily Text Reading from the Moravians:

Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be afraid, for I am your God.
Isaiah 41:10

We will devote ourselves to prayer and to serving the word. Acts 6:4

Dear God, if we pray, why do we fear? If we fear, why bother to pray? Help us to
remember to pray first and then to serve without fear. Help us to trust you to
take care of the rest of our troubles. Amen.

And today's "Saint of the Day" was Padre Pio... whom I've done some reading on, and find to be quite fascinating.

Mid-Afternoon Lull

I guess I can't really blame the lull on the fact that it's mid-afternoon.

Thanks to the headache I woke up with, I've been feeling listless and unmotivated all day.

Only about an hour or so of work left, and then I'm heading home.

I've got a fairly quiet evening planned.

L is cooking tonight, and I believe we're eating frittata, so I don't have to worry about that. I can just go home and get going on some other stuff. I'd like to accomplish at least a few items from my "to do" list for the week tonight.

I also need to do a bit of research and studying in preparation for some upcoming stuff.

But mostly I'm aiming for rest and a peaceful evening.

It'll be good to do that after a listless sort of day. Reorient, refocus, and refresh. And hopefully sleep tonight so that tomorrow is smoother.

Oww.

I forgot something, when I talked about "weird intercessor days" yesterday.

I forgot that they can become "weird intercessor nights", a phenomenon that generally involves very little sleep, and waking up in a less than functional mode.

I had a weird intercessor night last night. It was compounded by the fact that every muscle in my neck, shoulders and back seems to have tightened overnight, and that I woke with the worst headache I've had in months.

So, high-functioning is not a particularly accurate description of me today.

The painkillers are helping, and so is putting a magic bag around my neck for periods of time.

But mostly I find myself moving a bit as if I'm in a fog. Having trouble focusing.

I was thankful that the plan for this morning was to spend at least part of it out of the office, doing an errand. That helped a bit. At least for that I didn't need to be staring at a screen and pretending to focus.

So, I'm back at the office, and in between moments of focus, I'm writing a blog post for all of you.

And thinking "oww."

Daily 5 - Day 42

Today's Daily 5:

1. A quick surprise visit at the office from Hope. And a couple of hugs. I love collecting hugs.
   
2. A walk with my roommate, and then a meander through the mall that ended with us signing up for a free one morning cooking class at one of the shops in the mall.
3. A quieter day, filled with time enough to indulge my "weird intercessor space" and think and pray
4. Watching themes build, receiving confirmations, listening and sharing
5. really good roasted baby potatoes and asparagus for dinner (I was extra hungry because the gamble that I'd packed for lunch didn't turn out, and I threw more than half of the frozen quesadilla's I'd bought at the grocery store away because they tasted so nasty)
   

Weird Intercessor Space

I'm in what my roommate teasingly refers to as "weird intercessor space" today.

I don't really know how to describe it, except to say that it happens from time to time, usually as themes begin to converge around me. (Also, that it is happening more frequently again of late...)

The less important details of day to day life just sort of take a back seat. For example, as we drove this morning we were trying to remember what it was that we'd decided we were making for dinner tonight. Since I'm doing the cooking, it was sort of important that I know what I was cooking. But, the space I was in was preventing me from any ability to recall what we'd planned, other than that I knew we'd had a conversation about it last night, and I was pretty sure I'd taken meat out of the freezer in anticipation of it. There was much laughter as we finally realized that it is pot-roast, baby potatoes, and asparagus tonight.

I woke in this space from a night of dreaming, and there was much that played out before I ever left the house to fuel it. And it has carried with me, on into the day.

So, I'm thinking and praying today:

• for two friends who both gave birth to baby girls, both with flower names, on the days of Rosh Hashanah over the weekend, and for their new daughters, who are speaking to me of new life and so many other things right now.
• as I'm thinking about stones and tracing themes from scattered thoughts and dreams
• as I'm looking towards the weekend, and a short trip to pray and tour and walk...
• sipping tea and thinking about purple and remembering
• for friends preparing for travels and prayer
• for provision for some who desperately need it
• against fear and anxiety that can become overwhelming
• with the words of the song "I Surrender" by Kim Walker running through my thoughts
• as I consider lions and the spots they've popped up lately
• thinking about warmth and cold and changes in temperature
• with anticipation of the new season just beginning
• with gratefulness for the new year also just beginning
• as I see "symbols" of sorts that brings friends to mind and cause me to lift them before Jesus
• for changing mindsets and patterns of thought and internal dialogue
• for joy and peace and life

What Does Your Part Say About You?

Okay, first of all, can I comment that it took me nearly two minutes to figure out what side I part my hair on? It's sort of an instinctive thing, and I had to pretend I was staring in a mirror to figure it out (no part in the way I'm wearing my hair today).

Secondly, while I'm not entirely sure that this one is accurate right now, I hope it is growing ever more so. That I am becoming more and more comfortable in my own skin. And that creativity is growing within me.

Your Left Part Says You're Creative and Funky

You are naturally artsy and a little kooky. You do and see thing in a very unique way. Forget marching to the same beat as everyone else... you don't even hear the same beat as everyone else. You have always been a very independent person. Years ago you stopped even trying to fit it. Your very comfortable in your own skin. If people can't handle your eccentricities, that's their problem... not yours!

What Does Your Part Say About You?

Work is Hard. Time for Blogthings!

Daily 5 - Day 41

Image by Vicki's Nature via Flickr

Today's Daily 5 (and a picture, just because I loved it):

1. Grocery shopping trip to the "soul-sucking mega store" that was far more peaceful than usual
2. A simple but delicious dinner of turkey souvlaki kebabs and coleslaw
3. Finally managing to warm up, after grocery shopping (I was absolutely freezing all day. Nothing I did to get warm at either home or the office worked... but somehow, after groceries, I was warm. go figure. especially given my great love of grocery shopping!)
   
4. A truly ridiculous laugh over a blogthings quiz (see my previous post)
5. Making trip plans for next month with my roommate and realizing a new that the much needed and longed for vacation really is going to happen!
   

Changing Leaves

I've got to tell you that usually the results of the Blogthings quizzes I do are fairly accurate to my personality, and personality style quizzes always amuse me, so I do many of them. Given my current love affair with fall, and the changing season this year, I was definitely looking forward to seeing the results of the "What Part of Fall Are You?" quiz when I came across it.

Well, the results weren't particularly indicative of anything, but they were so blunt and ridiculous that they made me laugh quite hard. See?

You Are Changing Leaves

Pretty, but soon dead.

What Part of Fall Are You?

Blogthings: If Quizzes Are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Take Quizzes

Monday Morning

So far, I've got to tell you, I'm having a Monday.

Even if today weren't the official first day of autumn, I'd have been convinced that autumn was here when I went outside this morning. What has, for the last several weeks, been simply a thick and heavy dew on my windshield, was frost this morning, requiring scraping so that I could see enouch to safely drive. I've been looking forward to fall, and I'm loving it, but I really could live without the scraping of the windshield for a few more months.

I forgot to bring my journal with me to work this morning, which isn't really a problem, other than that it throws off my usual routine of spending the fifteen or twenty minutes before the work day begins reflecting on the day before, and the night of dreams. I like routine. (It also means that I need to find time tonight to write instead.)

I wore capri pants to work, thinking that I would probably be okay for warmth. I'm still wearing my jacket, sitting cross legged so as to have as much skin covered for warmth as possible, and, when I'm not typing, I'm clutching a mug of tea. I'm absolutely freezing!

And I woke from weird dreams about water and family, and being inadequate and unable. Funny how those feelings come after a day yesterday that assured me of things in the opposite spirit.

So, it's Monday, and I'm diving into the new week. Our bookkeeper is on vacation, which, in the past, would have meant that I basically didn't get a lunch hour for that week, but, thanks to our newest hire, I have the freedom to still have a lunch hour this week, and that, in my mind is worth celebrating.

Daily 5 - Day 40

I always like it when I hit the 40 day milestone in something. Such an important number in scripture, and I've also read that it takes 40 days for a habit to be built.

For forty days now I've been making a concerted effort to choose life and joy. Some days have definitely been harder than others. When I woke this morning, it seemed that it was going to be a harder day, I didn't know what it might hold. But it was lovely, and here I am, showing up for the 40th time to celebrate life. And joy has begun to bubble within me, and it is oh so welcome here.

Today's daily 5:

1. the birth of a baby daughter to some friends I've know for years
2. hugs from friends I get to see rarely
3. moments of victory, big and small, and being reminded that there is more strength within me than I know, thanks to Jesus
4. a beautiful fall drive, filled with confirmations of purpose and life
5. "I Surrender" by Kim Walker - a song I'd never heard before, playing at just the right moment for my heart.
   

New Life...

It's raining today, and my first instinct was to groan. I'll be doing some highway driving, never my favorite thing today, and the thought of doing it in the rain felt just a bit daunting.

And then I remembered that it is a new day. A new week, and that we are on the last day of the celebration of Rosh Hashanah, and a new year.

And that all summer I've been loving the rain. Feeling joy and hope in it. Seeing in it new life. The promise of the spring that would finally break the seemingly unending winter I've seemed to be living in.

So, in a day that seemed bleak, and a day that is full of uncertainties, I am choosing to find hope in the rain. To find joy and peace and rest in it.

I received news this morning that is granting much hope and strength. Some long time friends (I've known them since we were all in Young Life together in high school) celebrated 9 years together earlier this week (6 dating, 3 married), and this morning, my friend brought their first child, a little girl into the world. Her name is Annabella Fleur, and the birth of this precious much anticipated little flower is a miracle of new life that I needed to hear about today.

So, I'm going to celebrate new life today, and remind myself of that as I see what the rest of the day will hold.

Daily 5 - Day 39

Today's Daily 5:

1. The joy theme popping up in various settings all day
2. Communion tonight
3. "Salvation is Here"
4. A long chat with a friend while George was being fixed this morning
5. unexpected time with nothing to do but sit and read in a parking lot while I waited for the mechanic to open
   

New Year, and other thoughts

Image by _Bonnie_ via Flickr

Yes, I know what you're thinking. It's September, the new year isn't for a while yet. Unless you're Jewish, or sensitive to the Jewish calendar. In that case, Rosh Hashanah began at sunset last evening.

I ate the traditional apples and honey (for the sweetness of a new year) along with my supper last night, and enjoyed a quiet evening, watching a dvd, relaxing, caring for myself, and resting.

I'm loving the idea of a new year right now, particularly since I seem to have been in the midst of a season of deep change, and I've been so anticipating fall. Celebrating a new year as a new season is beginning seems right somehow, and I am praying for beauty and blessings as the seasons and year progresses.

I was up and out of the house by 7:30 this morning. I dropped L on the other side of the city for 8, and then drove to my mechanic. George has been in need of an oil change for a while, and I decided earlier this week that one day or another I'd get that done this weekend. Turns out my mechanic doesn't open until 9. So, I picked up breakfast at a nearby Tim Hortons (and I know I'm about to betray my Canadian heritage, but I've gotta say that I really think I like Macdonalds breakfast better than Tim Hortons), and sat in a parking lot and read the book I'm working on currently for 45 minutes or so, before returning to the mechanic.

I spent the next hour chatting with his wife (who I've known since I was a child) while George's oil was changed and he was generally checked out. The good news is that the mechanic is pretty sure he found the cause of a bit of a problem we've been watching. The bad news is that it's going to cost me a couple hundred bucks again. However, this is where having an honest and trustworthy mechanic comes in handy. He told me that it was no big deal to put it off for a month or two, since most of my little bit of expendable cash right now is going towards my vacation next month. And, he came up with a fix that will be significantly less expensive than the fix that most places would do for me. Sweet! So, sometime after I get home from vacation, George will be visiting the shop for some repairs that will hopefully keep him in running order for a while to come!

Being up so early has left me feeling a bit groggy and uncertain what to do with my day until my next plans this evening. So, I think I'll probably crash on the couch, and either read or watch a dvd. Maybe inspiration for adventure will hit, and maybe it will just be a day of rest. Rest isn't such a bad plan, since tomorrow definitely still holds the potential for some wilder moments.

In any case, I'm off to enjoy this new year with a bit of chocolate, and quite possibly a nap!

Peace on Earth

The first U2 song I ever heard, and one whose lyrics struck me deeply all over again today.

Daily 5 - Day 38

Today's Daily 5:

1. This line in an email from a friend we'll be staying with on our upcoming trip made me laugh and laugh: "What I don't have is sheets, pillows or towels. I do have sleeping bags that we could set up on top of the bed and couch. And I have large tea towels that could be used for when you shower. Or we just won't shower and be in tune with the local smells. Hahahaha." I laughed so hard before I wrote her back and told her it would be no problem for use to bring towels with us. (It's probably funnier if you know that this particular friend is a dancer, who, even when she's quite casually dressed, seems elegant, and would probably never be "in tune with the local smells.")
2. Listening to U2 turned up as I drove to and from work today
3. Watching the beautiful sunrise as I drove to work
4. Wearing jeans at the office
5. the laughter of children playing outside my office window.
   

Bits and Bobs...

Some quotes and other stuff that I've found encouraging and/or challenging this week...

Lord, let the thick skin that covers me not be a hindrance to you. Pass through it. My eyes, my hands, my mouth are yours. This sad lady in front of me: here is my mouth for you to smile at her ... This smug young man, so dull, so hard: here is my heart, that you may love him, more strongly than he has ever been loved before.

- Madeleine Delbrêl,
Missionary and activist (1904-1964)

Yesterday's Daily Text Reading from the Moravians:

So God led the people by the roundabout way of the wilderness towards the Red
Sea. Exodus 13:18

And having been warned by God in a dream not to return to Herod, the magi left
for their own country by another way. Matthew 2:12 (NASB)

Holy God, we often want to follow the easy way. Help us to listen and to follow
your leading. Although it may not be the path we would choose, help us to trust
that you are taking us by the safest route. Amen.

The more you are afflicted the more you ought to rejoice, because in the fire of tribulation the soul will become pure gold, worthy to shine in the heavenly palace.

— from Quiet Moments With Padre Pio

The initial response the proclamation of the reign [of God] produces...is one of joy and happiness. Later, there will be a call to live up to the values of the coming reign.

- Juan Ramón Moreno,
Jesuit priest murdered in El Salvador in 1989.

Friday, U2, and other musings

It's Friday morning, and I am wearing jeans at the office. I know I celebrate that every week, but it really is such a great treat. So nice to be really comfortable.

Plus, it's Friday morning. And I can't tell you how relieved I am to be nearly at the end of the work week right now. I have no idea what this weekend will hold (except that it has immense potential for challenging moments). But I'm thankful to be done (or nearly done) with the work portion of the week. I'm anticipating time spent doing some errands and other things tomorrow night. And time spent with Jesus.

A dear friend of mine sent me a photo text message last night that made me both incredibly happy and incredibly jealous all at once. It was an (albeit blurry) photo of the stage at the U2 concert she was in the midst of attending. I loved getting it, and totally wished I was there. If I had such a thing as a formal "bucket list" or a "things to do before I die list", seeing U2 play live would be near the very top of the list. It's one of the things I dream about, and it just hasn't been possible yet for me to make it to one of their concerts.

Inspired by her concert attendance, I listened to the very first U2 album I ever purchased as I drove to work this morning. "All That You Can't Leave Behind". I bought the album when I was in high school. I'd attended a Young Life city wide club where the speaker talked about peace and used the song "Peace on Earth" as an illustration. I don't remember much about the club talk, but I'll never forget the impact of hearing that song. I fell in love with a band because of that song, bought my first U2 album because of that song, and have bought quite a few other albums in successive years. But that first album is still probably my favorite, and I played it loud and sang along this morning as I drove.

Last night was rough again, hard and full of the darker moments. I remember waking at one point and saying aloud "You can't be here. I'm sheltered by Jesus. Go away." I've gotta tell you that I don't do that very often these days, though there were weeks and years where I probably needed to do that every night, but lacked the knowledge or courage to follow through.

Usually a night like that would leave me lagging. A night like that often left a deep weight hanging over me, of fear and anxiety and oppression.

This morning I'm feeling buoyed by a deep joy welling from within me. I loved the sunrise as I drove. I loved U2 as it played. But the joy is deeper than all those contributing things. And for that I'm inexpressibly grateful.

Daily 5 - Day 37

Today's Daily 5:

1. A much quieter day at the office
2. Being way more "okay" than usual after a particularly rough night
3. Sharing a dinner provided by some church members because of a major renovation that has gutted my parents kitchen, with my parents, and laughing with them.
4. A quiet evening, home alone, long hot shower, and taking the time to do my finger and toe nails.
5. An episode or two of Grey's Anatomy, and some time reading as well.
   

Thankfully Quiet Thus Far

This has been a day that has been remarkably quiet.

I'm not certain I can communicate just how much of a blessing that is today.

In about 40 minutes, I'll leave the office, do a few errands, and then head for home.

I'm looking forward to a quiet evening of self-care, prayer, and rest.

Wild Week, Thursday Morning

I have a collection of thoughts and quotes I'll likely share later today. Things that arrived in my inbox yesterday or today, carrying much needed encouragement.

This has been a bit of a wild week so far.

Since Sunday, the following rather wild and unsettling "big" events have happened (this is completely ignoring the myriad of smaller things):

• I've been at the scene of a stabbing, and had the image of a blood spattered bike path rather ingrained into my brain
• I received news that someone who has appeared a few times in dreams that have led me to pray received a cancer diagnosis, complete with an apple sized tumor, and is undergoing further tests to determine the appropriate course of aggressive treatment
• I listened as a coworker began choking and nearly stopped breathing, saved only by the quick thinking first-aid skills of another coworker. I've had the sounds of her gasping to breathe and trying to call for help ingrained into my brain. I also dealt with the panic and adrenaline, and later the immense adrenaline crash that came with that event.

It hasn't been a great week sight and sound wise for someone rather susceptible to those things.

Sleep last night was disturbed. Dark things near me. It happens from time to time, and to be honest, in some ways, as exhausted as I am this morning, I'm encouraged, too, by the night I had. I was far less concerned through the course of the night than usual on these occasions, and actually managed to get some rest. And, this morning, the lingering fear and panic that also often come on the tails of rough nights like that are far diminished.

I am exhausted, but relatively peaceful. I have within me a growing trust that Jesus will draw near and hold me in those terribly dark moments.

I have, however, somewhat good naturedly, declared that today must be a quiet day. That it is not allowed to have any crises, because my body is not up to any more of those this week.

The plan is to do a few errands after work tonight, and then return to an empty house (my roommate will be out for the evening) and slap a clay mask on my face, and recline on the couch, watching some of the newest season of Grey's Anatomy on DVD, and painting my finger and toe nails. Time for a little self-pampering. (Also for drowning the very good natured jealousy I'm feeling towards a friend who is fulfilling one of my life-goals and seeing U2 live in concert tonight.)

Daily 5 - Day 36

Today's Daily 5:

1. I'm thankful that today's choking incident didn't ultimately end up being any more serious than it was (I'll probably write about this tomorrow.)
   
2. I'm thankful for the return of a tradition I was pretty sure was dead - Vietnamese, freezer cake, and Grey's Anatomy on the couch with a good friend cringing at every moment "is he dead? what happened? who's that?"
   
3. I'm thankful for the calm and quick actions of one of my coworkers, very much preventing more serious consequences for another coworker
4. 3 little circles of freezer cake. chocolate, with chocolate icing.
5. A smooth and uneventful drive home, and plans for a fairly early bed-time to recover from the exhaustion and adrenaline crash of the day.
   

Contrasting News

These two news stories both caught my attention today. Both center around food, but could not be more different.

This one speaks food's prominence to Peruvian culture and an attempt to spread that to the world stage.

This one reminds us of the gap between wealthy and poor, and points out the number of "hungry" in the world is at an all time high, while funding for organizations that meet this need is dwindling.

New Mercies

For a couple of weeks now, I've been waking with the passage that talks about God's mercies being new each morning running through my head. And let me tell you, I've been clinging to that reminder as I go through the days, determined to find those mercies amidst what have been some fairly challenging days.

Changing mindsets and long ingrained patterns is, I've discovered, incredibly challenging and exhausting. God has been gracious in inviting me into the healing of some very damaging mindsets and ingrained patterns of thought and action, and I've been so grateful for that, and for the small ways I see those changes beginning to take effect, but I've also been tired.

This week, in particular is really stretching my ability to press into those new things. To choose joy and life and hope and peace. To remember some of the things I've learned and am learning, and work to not postpone joy in the face of the dread of some upcoming moments. Because there are a number of really challenging moments coming this week. I'm fighting hard to choose to live in the moment I'm existing in, and find joy in that space, and not succumb to dread. And I'll be honest and say that thus far it hasn't exactly been a winning battle. I'm doing a "so-so" job at best.

So I was grateful to wake again this morning to the thought of new mercies.

To remember the mercies offered yesterday and look forward to the ones to come today.

There was a mercy in a visit with a long-time friend last night. We'd had a scheduled coffee date, but by the time he arrived at my house, he was ravenous. L and I fed him some of the soup that we'd made for dinner, with slightly burnt toast. We laughed as he consumed marmite (a favorite of L's that I consider anathema!) for the first time, and then let him talk both of us into joining him at a great Irish pub downtown for more food, laughter and conversation.

There was a mercy in the fact that the conversation with him led to a great conversation with L. once we got home, that let me begin to put words around some things that have been stirring in my heart. That lets thoughts form words as I wrestle through changing thoughts and definitions surrounding rebellion and surrender.

And there was a mercy, when I arrived at the office this morning, sat with my journal, and was honest about the fact that I'm really struggling and feeling like I'm losing the battle for these new things in my life this week. There was mercy in the honesty, and mercy in the timing of the quote on the calendar that sits on my desk, a gift from a dear friend who issued the challenge and invitation to walk into some of these new places in the first place.

The quote for today reads, "Christ will guard his own." (Saint Agnes)

I needed to hear that this morning as I've reached the part of the week that will begin to hold the things that are causing such challenges in my struggle to choose joy and peace. I needed the merciful reminder that I will be guarded, that "He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty."

Daily 5 - Day 35

Today's daily 5:

1. laughing over dinner and drinks with my good friend J. and my roommate L.
2. being around a friend who reminds me that I'm not nearly as weird as I feel some days
3. thoughts surrounding rebellion and surrender and realizing the state of my own heart
   
4. remembering the "If" statements of Amy Carmichael and being challenged again by them
5. the change of not having to cook dinner when I got home from work.
   

Nearly Done

I'm thankful that this has been a bit of a lower key day at the office.

I slept very poorly last night, and had a night full of vague, odd, or just generally disturbing dreams. The night left me feeling foggy for most of the day.

I've actually accomplished a number of important tasks on my list, but I'm thankful that none of them were urgent or needed to be attacked in a rushed sort of manner. My brain just doesn't have the capacity for rushed today.

I'm having coffee tonight with a long-time dear friend. The friend who was with me the night I was healed. There are changes coming in his life, and we've hardly seen each other all summer, so I'm looking forward to collecting a hug, and spending some time catching up.

And with that, I have one or two things left to do for the day, and then I'm heading out to do an errand or two before going home for dinner and out again to meet my friend for coffee.

Articles and Links and Other Stuff

Apparently sleeping too many hours a night can be a contributing factor to developing dementia. So, that works in my favor :)

I voted for a losing candidate last night. Again. The riding I live in went even more conservative than usual. Still an upset, since the ruling party in Alberta politics had held that riding since the early 1970s. Ah well, at least my candidate only lost by a couple hundred votes this time. That's the closest the margin has ever been.

This cartoon at ASBO Jesus hit home hard today.

I liked this quote from Padre Pio: "Do not anticipate the problems of this life with apprehension, but rather with a perfect hope that God, to whom you belong, will free you from them accordingly." I rather needed that reminder this morning.

The calendar on my desk has a quote from Clare of Assisi today that included the line, "Watch and pray at all times." I'm fond of Clare, and those words are indicative of the state in which I've been living the last couple of days.

And with that, I'm headed into a full and busy day. It was a rough night again, but I'm glad for morning, and seeking the new mercies promised for the day.

Daily 5 - Day 34

Today's Daily 5:

1. A phone call from a long-time close friend, with the likelihood of coffee tomorrow night to catch up
2. The realization that I didn't need to be as overwhelmed as I was feeling - recognizing that it was hormone levels that were magnifying things
3. laughing and planning for our trip with my roommate
4. This post at shallowfrozen water, and the reminder it was of a story from a friend
5. Bacon and peas in cream sauce over bow tie pasta for dinner - one of our favorite quick fall-back meals because it is always tasty and turns out well.
   

Coping Mechanisms

I'd almost forgotten what it felt like to have a day like this.

For about 4 and a half months now, I've been taking a huge assortment of natural supplements, three times a day, designed to help me cope more effectively with life, boost my flagging energy levels, and help regulate some hormone and chemical imbalances that were wreaking havoc on my general ability to cope with the challenges of day to day life.

I've known for probably three of those 4 and a half months that the supplements were making a significant difference, particularly in regulating mood and my ability to cope, and I learned through some trial and error that it makes a huge difference when in the day I take certain supplements. That is, my ability to arrive at evening and the end of the workday without being near meltdown is definitely affected by my taking the breakfast and lunchtime portions of my supplements, and taking them around the same time each day.

I forgot (for the first time in probably three months) to throw my supplements for the day into my purse today, so I had none until I got home from work and ate supper.

I wasn't noticing as much of a difference as I'd expected until I was driving home from work, and the adrenaline from a full day at the office had begun to fade.

It's not my favorite thing to admit, but because I was exhausted and run down, and in the midst of constant stressful situations for nearly a year and a half straight leading up to when I began taking supplements, my body had shut down in a lot of ways. I was basically existing in panic mode. In a constant state of physical and emotional exhaustion.

I noticed it again today, as I was driving home. It's that level of exhaustion that takes even the smallest things, and magnifies them, making them huge, daunting, terrifying and overwhelming. It makes the task of cooking dinner seem impossible, or the necessity to drive to a polling station and cast a ballot seem the most draining thing on the planet. It creates panic and anxiety.

Thanks to the supplements, it's been a while since I've experienced that. What was a daily fact of life for nearly two years has become something that happens rarely. I found myself grateful tonight, for the perspective and changing internal dialogue that let me remind myself that I didn't need to be overwhelmed by the week before it had hardly begun. That I could figure out what my roommate and I were eating for dinner once I'd arrived home, and didn't need to spend my commute obsessing about it. I was grateful for the dialogue that reminded me of some good things that also happened today, and not just the shocking, saddening, or frustrating things.

And I'm oh so grateful that I've found something that works for me. That is making a noticeable difference in my ability to enjoy life without feeling anxious and panicked about every moment of it. That I know that tomorrow will likely be more manageable than today was, because the pills I need for tomorrow have already been placed in my purse.

I suppose, if you haven't lived in that constant state of exhausted anxiety, it's hard to describe how much of a relief it is to find it now a manageable thing. To have moments like tonight where I can truthfully tell myself that tomorrow really will be better, and that the things that are feeling large and threatening are feeling that way because I missed out on my coping mechanisms. But oh, I'm grateful that Jesus sent a friend my way who gave me a list of supplements to try. And I'm grateful that they are working for my body and letting me find rest and peace and joy just a bit more easily these days.

And one more article

We could be in the swing of yet another federal election campaign by the weekend, since a confidence motion will be voted on on Friday.

Catching My Thoughts

A few articles that caught my attention today:

These articles, here, here, and here, about the stabbing in the park that we sort of came upon yesterday. Or saw the fresh blood spatters on the path from, anyway.

This article about a local by-election that I have to vote in tonight.

And this article about a review of nuns and non-cloistered religious orders in the United States. This one I'll be particularly interested in seeing the results of, since one of my aunts is a nun who doesn't wear a habit, doesn't live in a convent, and worked a secular job for many years, either teaching in an inner city setting or using her masters of counseling and working in a methadone clinic. She currently works for her order, providing spiritual and pastoral care to the other nuns in the region that she's responsible for.

Daily 5 - Day 33

Today's Daily 5 is mostly a list of things for which I'm grateful today:

1. I'm thankful for a roommate who listens and understands - who "gets" me and let's me process outloud at times, and then helps to offer perspective
2. I'm thankful that the stabbing situation that Mom and her cousin and I bumped into in "my" park tonight, didn't happen earlier in the day, when I was alone in the park writing and thinking... I'm also thankful that we were safe as we were walking. (waiting for the news outlets to have more details on this... but the long and short is that there was a strong police presence right where we were walking, and the police helicopter circling, and when we walked down one particular path, there were spatters of fresh blood so we turned around and headed the other direction... a newspaper photographer we talked with briefly on our way back to the car told us that there had been a stabbing)
3. I'm thankful for new knowledge of family, and a sense of belonging, even in the midst of a new layer of woundedness
4. I'm thankful for the leftovers that mom sent home with me, that fed me for supper and will also cover my lunch tomorrow.
5. I'm thankful for quiet, joyful moments at the zoo this morning, watching the baby gorilla play with a blanket and explore a little.
   

Family and Belonging

This has been a week full of family. There have been visitors from my mom's family in town, and that is a rarity that I tend to soak up when it is available.

It hit me in a new and deep way, that I'm not quite sure what to do with yet, that I come from an enormous family, that I have a tremendous network of roots, and yet I know nothing of them. That is hard for someone who sees the world as a historian, and who also places tremendous value on family - the kind that comes by blood, and the kind that comes by heart.

There have been hard questions raised within me on the fronts of both types of family.

I was stunned, in a good way, by some of the things my mom's cousin shared. Facts about my grandma, and great grandparents and their families. I know very little about my mom's family, because mom's childhood was less than ideal, and it has always felt that talking with her about her family was somewhat of a taboo topic. I didn't realize until mom's cousin began to share, how deeply that lack of information, the lack of roots, bothered me.

There have been themes of family and belonging in much of what I've been walking through with Jesus lately, seeking healing and rest.

I found some of that this week. Some new wounds, but also a sense of rootedness, a bit of belonging. I come from a family of strong and stubborn women, who didn't always walk the exact path set out for them. I loved hearing that, since I knew very little about these women, and even less of that was positive. There was a sense of "oh, I'm not so strange as I've been feeling" in hearing about some of these ladies.

I learned too, about family of the heart this week, as I dealt with some decisions that needed to be made. I was surprised at discovering that there are some who my heart still considers family. I was surprised by the moments, decisions, and situations I encountered because of that.

And yet, in the midst of a week where the wounded places of family and belonging have been prominent, I have felt Jesus incredibly near. Offering healing even amidst uncovering new wounds. Offering assurance that small healings are happening, and will continue to grow within me. Showing me places where reserves of strength and joy I didn't know I had existed and will continue to grow.

And so, as I thought about all of this, laying on my stomach on the creek bank in "my" park this afternoon, writing and journaling and praying, I found that the most prominent emotion of the moment was thankfulness.

I am thankful for the nearness of Jesus. For the joy that He has offered, and the strength He has given. And I am thankful that He is continually close, offering healing.

A Mish-Mash of Quotes and Other Things

A few lovely and/or challenging thoughts that have been collecting in my inbox again.

Yesterday's daily text from the Moravians:

Who is a rock besides our God? Psalm 18:31

Paul said, "Now I commit you to God and to the word of his grace, which can build you up and give you an inheritance among all those who are sanctified."
Acts 20:32 (NIV)

O God, how grateful we are that you are the rock of our salvation and not the shifting sand of our human leaders. We commend all the leaders of our world to
your care and your leadership this day. Give to them your wisdom and compassion that they may rule in their tiny, human kingdoms as you do in the entire universe. Amen.

Several thoughts from Quiet Moments With Padre Pio

By loving God the soul is certain of possessing him. When a person loves money, honors, and good heath, unfortunately, he does not always possess what he loves, whereas he who loves God possesses him at once.

The more numerous your enemies become, the more you ought to abandon yourself with complete trust in the Lord. He will always sustain you with his powerful arm so that you may not stumble.

Let us take care to mortify our selfish spirit which puffs us up, makes us impulsive, and leads to aridity of the soul.

Raise your mind to the Lord and implore him to guide your mind himself, to speak to your heart and move your will.

Daily 5 - Day 32

This was a very full day. And one that I'm finding hard to put to words, even inside myself right now. Full of truths and laughs and realizations about family and place and belonging. And all of those things are leaving me struggling for words, and very near tears, the slightly overwhelmed, slightly joyful, slightly sad, slightly exhausted sorts of tears that at times sit just below the surface. But it is a day with moments of joy that must be captured, so I'm here, choosing to see and revel in them for a moment or two, and write down the daily 5 for the day.

1. The farmer's market with Mom's cousin M., and L.
2. Hearing stories about my grandma (who I hardly knew, since she passed away when I was quite young) over lunch
3. Leftovers for supper at mom and dad's house after church,
4. an encouraging email from a dear friend
5. dulce de leche banana cream pie
   

Saturday Morning...Waiting to See What Comes

It wasn't the most peaceful of nights. But, given the slighly surprising circumstances, the challenges and the unexpected news received not long before bed, that was almost to be expected. What was beautiful is that it wasn't nearly as unsettled, as restless as it has usually been. Letting me wake with the thought that perhaps strength and healing really are growing within me.

And that thought is kind of a lovely one to wake to.

My weekends have been full for a while now. After five or six unexpected encounters with Jesus, you kind of start approaching the weekends wondering what's coming. Where Jesus is going to show up, what healing he'll bring in the midst of that.

Daily 5 - Day 31

Today's Daily 5:

1. Air conditioning in my office that managed to cool me off enough to keep me from throwing up.
2. That our current apartment is the shortest commute I've had yet, on a day when I was feeling supremely unwell
3. A bag of microwave popcorn
4. the smell of clean sheets and a clean towel, fresh from the dryer
5. A quiet Friday evening on home alone.
   

The Butterfly Circus

A friend of mine sent me the link to this film this morning. She came across it via a mutual friend. And, much in the way she told me that she'd needed to see this today, I feel the same way, after a rough day, and coming home and collapsing on the couch, and remembering my promise to check the film out. I needed to see it today. It is a thing of great hope and beauty.

Rough Day

I've had a bit of a rough day. Not work wise, or emotionally, but physically it's been a challenge.

I've been rather ill all day. More at some points than others. And in pain. I've been fighting with muscle problems in my neck and shoulders for a few weeks now, and they kicked up into a fury today. I've also had a severe headache for much of the day.

This has created a unique set of things that I'm grateful for, which will likely be reflected when I write the daily 5 later tonight.

In the meantime, I'm thankful that the work day is within ten minutes of drawing to a close, and that I don't need to run any errands tonight, but can go straight home to my couch to rest. I'm greatly looking forward to a quiet evening, since my roommate will be out, and plan to spend most of it laying on my couch, being gentle with myself. Probably treating myself to a face mask. Definitely reading or watching a video. But mostly just doing whatever seems to induce rest on my weary body.

A Few More From Henri on Choosing Life

A few more thoughts from Henri Nouwen on choices and blessings...

Choosing Words Wisely

Words are very important. When we say to someone: "You are an ugly, useless, despicable person," we might have ruined the possibility for a relationship with that person for life. Words can continue to do harm for many years.

It is so important to choose our words wisely. When we are boiling with anger and eager to throw bitter words at our opponents, it is better to remain silent. Words spoken in rage will make reconciliation very hard. Choosing life and not death, blessings and not curses often starts by choosing to remain silent or choosing carefully the words that open the way to healing.

Speaking Words of Love

Often we remain silent when we need to speak. Without words, it is hard to love well. When we say to our parents, children, lovers, or friends: "I love you very much" or "I care for you" or "I think of you often" or "You are my greatest gift," we choose to give life.

It is not always easy to express our love directly in words. But whenever we do, we discover we have offered a blessing that will be long remembered. When a son can say to his father, "Dad, I love you," and when a mother can say to her daughter, "Child, I love you," a whole new blessed place can be opened up, a space where it is good to dwell. Indeed, words have the power to create life.

Blessing One Another

To bless means to say good things. We have to bless one another constantly. Parents need to bless their children, children their parents, husbands their wives, wives their husbands, friends their friends. In our society, so full of curses, we must fill each place we enter with our blessings. We forget so quickly that we are God's beloved children and allow the many curses of our world to darken our hearts. Therefore we have to be reminded of our belovedness and remind others of theirs. Whether the blessing is given in words or with gestures, in a solemn or an informal way, our lives need to be blessed lives.

Choosing the Blessings

It is an ongoing temptation to think of ourselves as living under a curse. The loss of a friend, an illness, an accident, a natural disaster, a war, or any failure can make us quickly think that we are no good and are being punished. This temptation to think of our lives as full of curses is even greater when all the media present us day after day with stories about human misery.

Jesus came to bless us, not to curse us. But we must choose to receive that blessing and hand it on to others. Blessings and curses are always placed in front of us. We are free to choose. God says, Choose the blessings!

Daily 5 - Day 30

30 days. That's crazy. I wish I could say that it was getting easier to show up here and come up with a daily list of 5, but in some ways it's getting harder. As my general enjoyment of life has increased a little with some of the changes happening within me, it's easier to say that, "it was a good day" and harder to pick out the specific beautiful moments. But, it's a discipline that for the moment anyway, I'm appreciating, so I'll keep giving it a shot.

Today's Daily 5:

1. Dinner at mom and dad's (hamburgers!)
2. Laughter, and great conversation with people I love over dinner... books, god, life, philosophy, theology... I love a conversation that goes beyond the surface to the things that I feel passionate about or find stimulating
3. laughing with my roommate
4. the "my zoo" game on facebook - I just really enjoy this one, and the fun little breaks of time spent playing it
5. coming away from the evening with a couple of book titles I'm interested in checking out.
   

Stop and Breathe

Today, like every other day in the office this week, has been packed full.

Between working on a major project that the goal is to have out the door by tomorrow afternoon, and training our new receptionist, as well as handling the various other responsibilities that come with my job, I get to the end of the receptionist's work day (she is working shorter days, not quite full-time), and realize that I've hardly stopped to catch my breath since I arrived at the office hours and hours before.

So, I'm taking just a moment to stop and breathe, to promise that the blog will eventually get back to having more than these "I'm insanely busy" style posts. Maybe on the weekend. Or next week. If life slows down. Which it definitely should quite soon now. Until then, I'll just keep taking moments to stop and breathe, and promise that I am still reading the various blogs I follow, whether or not I'm commenting. And many of you are saying great stuff, or funny stuff, or just stuff that I've enjoyed, so keep writing!

And I'll be back to writing properly soon too. I hope.

Daily 5 - Day 29

I can't quite believe I've shown up here once a day for 29 days, but I have. Crazy.

So, without further ado, here's today's daily 5:

1. A quick grocery shopping trip that included a dulce de leche banana cream pie
2. a smooth conversation with a utility company, and a $42 flight credit for the next time I need to book a flight
3. newly painted fingernails and toenails
4. A day at work that went more smoothly than anticipated
5. Remembering all day the scripture verse that talks about new mercies every morning, and trying to remember to watch for those mercies.
   

Quotes and Other Stuff...

I appreciated today's "Saint of the Day". Partly because a dear friend of mine hails from Cartagena. And partly because I loved how his faith spurred action. The description caught at me when I read it early this morning.

I also liked this quote from Padre Pio that arrived in my inbox this morning:
I recommend to you to have a firm and general proposal to always serve God with all your heart; do not worry about tomorrow. (from Quiet Moments With Padre Pio)

And with that, I'm off to eat supper and grocery shop

09/09/09

I had a very large project that must be out of the office before closing on Friday dropped on my desk at 4:10 yesterday afternoon. It's adding some complications to my day.

I'm continuing to train our new receptionist, and that, thankfully is continuing to go well. If you could have worked with the particularly challenging coworker who left us a while back, causing the chain of events that led to my job promotion and the ultimate need for a reception replacement, you'd appreciate how truly ecstatic my department is to have hired someone who seems like she will be a good fit for our team.

Tonight is grocery shopping night at the soul-sucking mega store. It's been two weeks, since we haven't been around much to cook together, but L. and I looked at each other last night and realized that if we didn't shop, there would be nothing in our house left to eat after today. So, we'll eat a frozen (well, when we eat it it won't be frozen anymore!) pizza for dinner, and do our menu plan for the next week or so. And then we'll head out. This will also include dropping off our recycling since the depot we use is in the parking lot of the grocery store. All in all, not terribly bad... it means that I'll have food to eat for breakfast tomorrow, and that, I think, is a good thing.

I remain, however, exhausted, and a trip to the grocery store is less than an exciting prospect in my world. Necessary, but not exciting. So we'll get it done as quickly as possible, sticking closely to our list, and then I'll likely have a quiet evening and early bedtime.

Oh yeah, and, it's 09/09/09 today. I like dates like that. They amuse me. This one also makes me think of a dear friend who has a fondness for the number nine. Just thought I'd mention that too :)

Daily 5 - Day 28

Today's Daily 5:

1. Tea with T's girlfriend L.
2. A good first day with my trainee at the office
3. Sharing Jesus stories, and being amazed again at the workings He is doing in my life right now.
4. A simple pasta supper
5. The recognition of differences within me that feel right, even when the things leading to them are exhausting.
   

Stories, tea, exhaustion

I'm in that place where exhaustion has hit in a major way.

But my insides are speeded up and running in circles, refusing to be still.

The running on adrenaline place.

I had tea with T.'s girlfriend tonight to catch up after a summer in which we've both been incredibly busy.

As we talked, and I listened to my own recounting of the month of August, I was stunned at everything that has gone.

Most days I just sit in the slightly spun awe at the way my world is shaped right now.

At the crazyness of God and life and everything in between. (Though, as I write that, something wonders if there is really a need for any of those distinctions, if God and life and the inbetween aren't really one ineffable, undefinable whole...)

I told God stories and was amazed. I listened to her recountings and was equally empathetic and amazed.

But I am tired.

I told my roommate at dinner that if I had my way, I'd already be on my way to bed. You need to know me to understand that statement. I am definitely a night owl.

It's not yet 9 pm. I'll be in bed by about 9:15, with my lights out by 10, barring anything unforseen.

The plan is to do something quiet and still. To maybe read a little, watch a dvd, or just lay and let music play.

Because I need to still the spinning of my mind. The thousand directions it's going in the midst of this crazy, beautiful, incredibly busy time. If I can still it just a little, I may sleep. And sleep would be lovely.

Training Days

I'm spending my days mostly away from my own desk this week, just popping in to my office every once in a while to check on my emails.

This week I have the priviledge of training my successor in my previous job. After four months, we've finally hired a permanent replacement, and I'm ecstatic!

I'm also BUSY!

But loving every minute of it so far.

Add to that more than usual social and family committments in the hours outside of the office, and I'm already feeling slightly insane. But it's a happy insanity :)

And, with that, I'm back to what I need to accomplish today. It's 3:00 on the first work day of the week, and I'm just now sitting down to create my own "to do" list for the week. Better get on that!

Daily 5 - Day 27

Today's daily 5:

1. Meeting "new" relatives from the extended family
2. a spontaneous trip to Elbow Falls
3. Lighting candles in my bedroom for the first time in our new apartment
4. Finally cleaning my bedroom so that it's a restful haven again
5. Homemade peach pie and laughter with family
   

Striking...

I wish I could say that I didn't understand this particular cartoon from personal experience, but, well, I would be lying. As usual, there is a certain stinging brilliance in the truth protrayed today at the Naked Pastor.

A Stack of Quotations

I've had a whole stack of quotations collecting in my inbox from various sources over the last little while, just waiting for the right moment to be shared. And, since I'm not feeling particularly pithy this morning, and because I've yet to figure out what I'm going to do with the blessing of a holiday Monday, I thought that rather than share about nothing, I'd share the profound thoughts from others that I've been collecting.

"Nobody trips over mountains. It is the small pebble that causes you to stumble. Pass all the pebbles in your path and you will find you have crossed the mountain." (Author Unknown)

"Strange how a good dinner and feasting reconciles everybody." (Samuel Pepys)

Resolve: Generously and with no half-hearted, timorous dread of the opinions of Church and men to manifest my mission ... You have no time to occupy your thoughts with that complacency or consideration of what others will think. Your business is simply, “What will my Father in heaven think?” (St. Katherine Drexel, founder of the Sisters of the Blessed Sacrament)

In order to hear the voice of God, one has to have silence in one's soul and to keep silence; not a gloomy silence, but an interior silence; that is to say, recollection in God. One can speak a great deal without breaking silence; and, on the contrary, one can speak little and be constantly breaking the silence. (Saint Faustina Kowalska)

Action springs not from thought, but from a readiness for responsibility. (Dietrich Bonhoeffer)

Perhaps it is not after all so difficult for a man to part with his possessions, but it is certainly most difficult for him to part with himself. To renounce what one has is a minor thing; but to renounce what one is, that is asking a lot. (St. Gregory, Homilies on the Gospels)

"Learn to pray to God in such a way that you are trusting Him as your Physician to do what He knows is best. Confess to Him the disease and let Him choose the remedy. Then hold tight to love, for what He does will cut and sting you." (Augustine of Hippo)

God leaves us free to accept or reject his love, and we make that choice every day, building on the choice we made the day before. (from Love in the Little Things)

We sustain our love by growing older in close company with the object of our love. This is true of marriage, and it's true of our life of faith. (from Love in the Little Things)

The fruits are the last things to appear on a tree, so it will take you time to develop these as you grow in the spiritual life. (St. Thomas Aquinas)

If we pray, we can do twice as much in less time because we are not doing it, God is. (Mother Teresa)

I have committed myself to joy. I have come to realize that those who make space for joy, those who prefer nothing to joy, those who desire the utter reality, will most assuredly have it. We must not be afraid to announce it to refugees, slum dwellers, saddened prisoners, angry prophets, Now and then we must even announce it to ourselves. In this prison of now, in this cynical and sophisticated age, someone must believe in joy. (Richard Rohr, OFM)