Well, the conference I've been helping plan for work for the last two months is here, and I leave the office at eleven to head home and pick up my bags, meet Kari (who's coming as my "spouse" for the weekend) and head out to the hotel and take care of the last minute sorts of details.
It'll probably be pretty quiet here until Monday or so, since I'm not sure I'll have internet access, or time to write while I'm away.
See you then.
Oh, and if you want something great to read, go to Faye's blog (in my links) and read here post about "Garbage-Picker God." A great tale of redemption.
Friday, March 30, 2007
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
I'm Tired...
I am tired of people with all the answers. Especially when they’re answers to questions no one seems to be asking, or when they’re answers that are trite and refuse to engage the depth inherent in the questions.
I am tired of the people who want to move past suffering into victory. What use is victory if you don’t acknowledge that over which you are victorious.
I am tired of the people who think victory is always blue skies and roses. Seems to me that the most important victory of them all – the one that we celebrate in just over two weeks, happened in darkness and blood, on a Friday.
I am tired of the people who are afraid of messyness. Seems to me that the most interesting people I’ve ever met were very messy.
I am tired of people who hide from honesty. The foundation of our faith is in truth, and truth, by its very nature requires a frank honesty.
I am tired of being told that everything that is not overtly “Christian” stems from the devil.
I am tired of attitudes of fear and evil about mental illnesses. Seems like we’d make so much more of a difference if we’d work to see people instead of a label and a stigma.
I am tired of being told that depression is terrible, sinful even. While I am grateful that God chose to heal my depression, I am beginning to see what a gift those years truly were. How much beauty there was in learning to acknowledge pain. How much grace is really found in healing. How I can speak from a place of empathy and understanding to those who are suffering.
I am tired of the people who want to move past suffering into victory. What use is victory if you don’t acknowledge that over which you are victorious.
I am tired of the people who think victory is always blue skies and roses. Seems to me that the most important victory of them all – the one that we celebrate in just over two weeks, happened in darkness and blood, on a Friday.
I am tired of the people who are afraid of messyness. Seems to me that the most interesting people I’ve ever met were very messy.
I am tired of people who hide from honesty. The foundation of our faith is in truth, and truth, by its very nature requires a frank honesty.
I am tired of being told that everything that is not overtly “Christian” stems from the devil.
I am tired of attitudes of fear and evil about mental illnesses. Seems like we’d make so much more of a difference if we’d work to see people instead of a label and a stigma.
I am tired of being told that depression is terrible, sinful even. While I am grateful that God chose to heal my depression, I am beginning to see what a gift those years truly were. How much beauty there was in learning to acknowledge pain. How much grace is really found in healing. How I can speak from a place of empathy and understanding to those who are suffering.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Taking it Slow
I'm doing laundry tonight, and as little else as humanly possible.
All of the sleepless nights and the busyness and stress at work, plus fighting off some sort of cold/flu bug for the last couple weeks are catching up to me.
I have to remind myself every once in a while not to schedule every minute of my time, to make sure I'm taking "Sabbath" time. Time for me, and for God. Time to not think. Time to pray, to read or write, to lay in a bath-tub, to light candles, or to simply watch television.
I'm trying to be a bit careful with the time I have in the evenings tonight, since I won't have the normal weekend to rest up. I'm at a conference for work this weekend - Friday and most of the day Saturday. Since the conference is at a really beautiful hotel in Kananaskis, I invited my friend Kari to join me as my "spouse" for the weekend, and I'm taking advantage of lower corporate rates to stay an extra day and hang with her. Can't wait to see her, but have to admit that I'll be really grateful when all the stress of planning this conference for work is over, and the piles of stuff involved in planning and carrying it out are off my desk.
And with that, I'm off to check on my laundry, and keep on doing "nothing" for the night!
All of the sleepless nights and the busyness and stress at work, plus fighting off some sort of cold/flu bug for the last couple weeks are catching up to me.
I have to remind myself every once in a while not to schedule every minute of my time, to make sure I'm taking "Sabbath" time. Time for me, and for God. Time to not think. Time to pray, to read or write, to lay in a bath-tub, to light candles, or to simply watch television.
I'm trying to be a bit careful with the time I have in the evenings tonight, since I won't have the normal weekend to rest up. I'm at a conference for work this weekend - Friday and most of the day Saturday. Since the conference is at a really beautiful hotel in Kananaskis, I invited my friend Kari to join me as my "spouse" for the weekend, and I'm taking advantage of lower corporate rates to stay an extra day and hang with her. Can't wait to see her, but have to admit that I'll be really grateful when all the stress of planning this conference for work is over, and the piles of stuff involved in planning and carrying it out are off my desk.
And with that, I'm off to check on my laundry, and keep on doing "nothing" for the night!
Monday, March 26, 2007
The surprising sacred moments
I'm thinking, just now, about finding the sacred in the most commonplace of happenings, even in the things that are disappointing.
I was supposed to be fasting today, part of a commitment to seek God's face through this Lenten season. I'd already planned to make it shorter than normal, because of some health and physical energy issues I've been having lately, but ended up having to break the fast by noon, instead of at dinner as planned. I was developing a fairly severe headache, and the fruit juice I was drinking to bring my blood sugar wasn't putting a dent in it. But, you know, I found God anyway, in little ways through the day.
In conversations, in enjoying the food, since I knew it was a treat to be consuming it. In dinner out with my best friend. In chatting about the stuff of life, her hospital stories (she's a nurse), a few of my recent "blond" moments at work. In flipping through some pictures she hadn't seen from a road trip we took together last fall. In the book I'm reading. In the U2 I was playing at work today. In a compliment from my boss.
I met Jesus in lots of little places today, and I'm grateful for the surprising sacred moments.
I was supposed to be fasting today, part of a commitment to seek God's face through this Lenten season. I'd already planned to make it shorter than normal, because of some health and physical energy issues I've been having lately, but ended up having to break the fast by noon, instead of at dinner as planned. I was developing a fairly severe headache, and the fruit juice I was drinking to bring my blood sugar wasn't putting a dent in it. But, you know, I found God anyway, in little ways through the day.
In conversations, in enjoying the food, since I knew it was a treat to be consuming it. In dinner out with my best friend. In chatting about the stuff of life, her hospital stories (she's a nurse), a few of my recent "blond" moments at work. In flipping through some pictures she hadn't seen from a road trip we took together last fall. In the book I'm reading. In the U2 I was playing at work today. In a compliment from my boss.
I met Jesus in lots of little places today, and I'm grateful for the surprising sacred moments.
Saturday sighting
So just as a random, Monday morning story, I thought I’d mention something that I spotted on Saturday.
A group of us were walking along 17th Avenue (the infamous “Red Mile” in Calgary) to get some lunch, and a well-dressed guy in a suit, bigger sort of guy, with a shaved head walks by. Something seems funny, and we all clue in at once. This man, in a suit, walking along a major downtown street, has a very large, very alive snake wrapped around his neck. And he is acting as if it is perfectly normal to do your Saturday afternoon errands with a snake of this sort wrapped around your neck.
I admit that we were rather incredulous, and there was definitely some pointing and exclaiming, as we watched him walk further on, and waited for a light to change so we could cross the street. Somehow, snakes and things just don’t belong on the major downtown street, unless they’re dead and have been made into shoes or bags!
A group of us were walking along 17th Avenue (the infamous “Red Mile” in Calgary) to get some lunch, and a well-dressed guy in a suit, bigger sort of guy, with a shaved head walks by. Something seems funny, and we all clue in at once. This man, in a suit, walking along a major downtown street, has a very large, very alive snake wrapped around his neck. And he is acting as if it is perfectly normal to do your Saturday afternoon errands with a snake of this sort wrapped around your neck.
I admit that we were rather incredulous, and there was definitely some pointing and exclaiming, as we watched him walk further on, and waited for a light to change so we could cross the street. Somehow, snakes and things just don’t belong on the major downtown street, unless they’re dead and have been made into shoes or bags!
Sunday, March 25, 2007
In the tension
I am thinking a lot, lately, about living in the tension between two realities, about being willing to exist in that space, instead of fighting against it in both directions.
I went to the seminar yesterday, and quite enjoyed myself. There was one really awkward moment, as I was walking with the lady who was teaching it, and a bunch of others along a busy downtown street, to pick up some lunch. She asked which sponsoring church I was a part of. I flinched a little, inside. Then I answered very calmly that I wasn't part of any of them. I'd gone to one (and I named it for her to give her context) but I wasn't going there any more, and I said it was a bit of long story. That was it.
But here's why I started this entry by mentioning that I've been thinking about living in tension lately. That's kind of why I left the church in the first place. I was frustrated with the unwillingness, or inability of some people to live with some very clear tensions in the lives of a number of people I was involved in caring for, and in my own life. When it became clear that things weren't going to change for a while, I spent hours and hours in prayer and conversation with a wide variety of people, and left for new spaces with a great deal of peace and rest about the decision, but frustration over the unresolved tensions.
I do not like conflict. I like to solve things. I want to clear them up, and most of the time, I want it to go "my" way. I become very easily convinced of my own "rightness."
So as I was driving to the seminar yesterday, I was praying. (I pray out loud a lot as I drive, especially since I had the car accident in December. I probably look a little like the crazy people I would laugh at as teenagers, talking to themselves, alone in their cars at traffic lights, but I'm okay with that!) I was praying, talking to Jesus about how much I was dreading what I perceived as a situation likely to be very awkward, and I was getting a bit angry that I was finding myself in this situation, and as I was praying, I felt like God was reminding me that I had done everything possible from my end to create resolution in the relationships that were damaged when I left the church, and to speak the things He had laid on my heart. More than that though, I felt like he was asking me how I could expect those I was angry with to live in places of tension that they found hard, if I wasn't myself willing to live in the tension of my obedience to what I felt him speaking, and the resulting relational strains.
So, I sit here today, staring at my computer screen, with candles lit behind me, Jason Upton singing on my stereo, and I resolve again to be willing to live in the tension. To spend tomorrow's time of Lenten fasting seeking the patience necessary for that sort of living in tension. Not just this one relational tension, but the tension of knowing God is calling me out, but that he has also asked me to walk through a season of waiting. Of knowing that God has called me to youth ministry for a time, and knowing that my personality is not always suited to youth ministry. Of knowing that there will be relational tension from time to time as I seek to walk God's path for me. Of knowing that God's path for me is NOT his path for everyone.
The mystery of the kingdom - already and not yet.
I went to the seminar yesterday, and quite enjoyed myself. There was one really awkward moment, as I was walking with the lady who was teaching it, and a bunch of others along a busy downtown street, to pick up some lunch. She asked which sponsoring church I was a part of. I flinched a little, inside. Then I answered very calmly that I wasn't part of any of them. I'd gone to one (and I named it for her to give her context) but I wasn't going there any more, and I said it was a bit of long story. That was it.
But here's why I started this entry by mentioning that I've been thinking about living in tension lately. That's kind of why I left the church in the first place. I was frustrated with the unwillingness, or inability of some people to live with some very clear tensions in the lives of a number of people I was involved in caring for, and in my own life. When it became clear that things weren't going to change for a while, I spent hours and hours in prayer and conversation with a wide variety of people, and left for new spaces with a great deal of peace and rest about the decision, but frustration over the unresolved tensions.
I do not like conflict. I like to solve things. I want to clear them up, and most of the time, I want it to go "my" way. I become very easily convinced of my own "rightness."
So as I was driving to the seminar yesterday, I was praying. (I pray out loud a lot as I drive, especially since I had the car accident in December. I probably look a little like the crazy people I would laugh at as teenagers, talking to themselves, alone in their cars at traffic lights, but I'm okay with that!) I was praying, talking to Jesus about how much I was dreading what I perceived as a situation likely to be very awkward, and I was getting a bit angry that I was finding myself in this situation, and as I was praying, I felt like God was reminding me that I had done everything possible from my end to create resolution in the relationships that were damaged when I left the church, and to speak the things He had laid on my heart. More than that though, I felt like he was asking me how I could expect those I was angry with to live in places of tension that they found hard, if I wasn't myself willing to live in the tension of my obedience to what I felt him speaking, and the resulting relational strains.
So, I sit here today, staring at my computer screen, with candles lit behind me, Jason Upton singing on my stereo, and I resolve again to be willing to live in the tension. To spend tomorrow's time of Lenten fasting seeking the patience necessary for that sort of living in tension. Not just this one relational tension, but the tension of knowing God is calling me out, but that he has also asked me to walk through a season of waiting. Of knowing that God has called me to youth ministry for a time, and knowing that my personality is not always suited to youth ministry. Of knowing that there will be relational tension from time to time as I seek to walk God's path for me. Of knowing that God's path for me is NOT his path for everyone.
The mystery of the kingdom - already and not yet.
Friday, March 23, 2007
A Dilemma
I'm trying to decide if I'm going to attend a seminar of sorts tomorrow morning. It runs from 10-2, and the topic is journalling and creative writing. I attended a similar seminar by the woman instructing a number of years ago, and quite throughly enjoyed it. None of this is part of the dilemma.
The thing is, the event is partially being put on by the church I left. They're doing it in conjunction with a number of other groups in Calgary, but it's being held in their building, and a number of their leaders are heavily involved.
This always creates an awkward space for me. I feel like so much was unresolved in my decision to move on from that church, and yet, I still believe in the things they do, and I have tried (though unsucessfully in some cases) to maintain friendships with a number of people there. I ever worked a number of times to meet with leaders in order to resolve some of the unresolved things, but they chose never to respond, and I'm left unsure how to handle it. I have a whole lot harder time ignoring the relational rift when we're together than they do.
I usually try to find someone to go to these sorts of events with. I had planned to go with my best friend, but because of her work schedule, she can't drive me now, and will probably come late. When I go with someone else to these things, at least there's a bit of a buffer zone. It's a lot harder to go on my own. I'll probably still go, but uggh... in some ways I dread the relational tension I know I'll feel, and I wonder if this is really a good way to spend a Saturday?
The thing is, the event is partially being put on by the church I left. They're doing it in conjunction with a number of other groups in Calgary, but it's being held in their building, and a number of their leaders are heavily involved.
This always creates an awkward space for me. I feel like so much was unresolved in my decision to move on from that church, and yet, I still believe in the things they do, and I have tried (though unsucessfully in some cases) to maintain friendships with a number of people there. I ever worked a number of times to meet with leaders in order to resolve some of the unresolved things, but they chose never to respond, and I'm left unsure how to handle it. I have a whole lot harder time ignoring the relational rift when we're together than they do.
I usually try to find someone to go to these sorts of events with. I had planned to go with my best friend, but because of her work schedule, she can't drive me now, and will probably come late. When I go with someone else to these things, at least there's a bit of a buffer zone. It's a lot harder to go on my own. I'll probably still go, but uggh... in some ways I dread the relational tension I know I'll feel, and I wonder if this is really a good way to spend a Saturday?
Joy, work, and girly stuff
I was thinking (and writing) some more on the train on the way home from work yesterday about how beautiful it is to experience emotions.
Particularly, if you had told me in the midst of my years of depression that I could experience deep, unexplainable joy and peace in the middle of crazy circumstances I would never have believed you. But I’ve been experiencing it lately, at the oddest moments – this sense of rest in the knowledge of God’s overwhelming love, and it bubbles into a smile, and a sense of calm.
Work remains crazily busy, but I am, at just this moment at a standstill. I have dozens of things left to do to prepare for the conference next weekend, but can’t move on most of them until my boss finishes some things I need to have to move on to my next step.
And, I enjoyed the thoroughly girl pleasure of shopping for wedding dresses last night. Now, before you all have a heart attack and think that I’ve suddenly up and met a boy and decided to get married, let me just say that it was for a girl in my youth group. (She’s a bit older than the rest of the girls.) Her parents are missionaries in Thailand, and her fiancé is still finishing up school in Thailand, but she’s in Calgary, working, and quite alone, so it is my very great pleasure to help her with wedding plans, and particularly, in the absence of her mom and sister, to take her shopping for wedding dresses. So, we went to a dress shop, and she tried a couple on. We have plans to hit a few more stores after church on Sunday. After the dress shop, we headed for the local chapters, plopped ourselves down in the magazine aisle and looked at bridal magazines. Money is tight for her right now, so I treated her to a couple just for fun, because every girl deserves to have girly wedding magazines to flip through for ideas.
I mentioned to a friend earlier in the week that I was excited about shopping for a dress with this other friend, and the first friend thought I was being sarcastic. Apparently, since I’m not particularly interested in dropping everything in my life to find a guy and get married right this second, I’ve developed a reputation for not being into the really girly stuff like wedding plans. Hello! I’m still female, and I love to indulge my girly side once in a while. Plus, who better to help plan a wedding than someone who worked as a gift registry and wedding consultant for two years? So there!
And with that, I’m back to work, if my boss gets here soon, and finishes her stuff…
Particularly, if you had told me in the midst of my years of depression that I could experience deep, unexplainable joy and peace in the middle of crazy circumstances I would never have believed you. But I’ve been experiencing it lately, at the oddest moments – this sense of rest in the knowledge of God’s overwhelming love, and it bubbles into a smile, and a sense of calm.
Work remains crazily busy, but I am, at just this moment at a standstill. I have dozens of things left to do to prepare for the conference next weekend, but can’t move on most of them until my boss finishes some things I need to have to move on to my next step.
And, I enjoyed the thoroughly girl pleasure of shopping for wedding dresses last night. Now, before you all have a heart attack and think that I’ve suddenly up and met a boy and decided to get married, let me just say that it was for a girl in my youth group. (She’s a bit older than the rest of the girls.) Her parents are missionaries in Thailand, and her fiancé is still finishing up school in Thailand, but she’s in Calgary, working, and quite alone, so it is my very great pleasure to help her with wedding plans, and particularly, in the absence of her mom and sister, to take her shopping for wedding dresses. So, we went to a dress shop, and she tried a couple on. We have plans to hit a few more stores after church on Sunday. After the dress shop, we headed for the local chapters, plopped ourselves down in the magazine aisle and looked at bridal magazines. Money is tight for her right now, so I treated her to a couple just for fun, because every girl deserves to have girly wedding magazines to flip through for ideas.
I mentioned to a friend earlier in the week that I was excited about shopping for a dress with this other friend, and the first friend thought I was being sarcastic. Apparently, since I’m not particularly interested in dropping everything in my life to find a guy and get married right this second, I’ve developed a reputation for not being into the really girly stuff like wedding plans. Hello! I’m still female, and I love to indulge my girly side once in a while. Plus, who better to help plan a wedding than someone who worked as a gift registry and wedding consultant for two years? So there!
And with that, I’m back to work, if my boss gets here soon, and finishes her stuff…
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Feeling Anew
I’ve been thinking this week about one of the most beautiful things about the experience of living a life that is depression free after so many years of depression. It’s this – I can feel again.
For all those years of depression, I lived in a constant state of pain that eventually numbed my ability to feel anything but the pain. I lived in a state of numbness, unable to truly enter into any emotion fully. I knew I was miserable, but that was it. That was the normal reality of life.
I reconnected with an old friend for coffee earlier this week, and was sharing the story of God’s healing in my life, and it hit me again how beautiful it is to be able to feel things.
I suppose it seems ridiculous to someone who has never experienced a lengthy loss of the ability to experience a breadth of emotion, but these days, I celebrate every tear, every moment where I am overcome with laughter, every momentary sensation of awe. At times, the wide breadth of emotion leaves me feeling like I have entirely lost any sense of equilibrium. I cry at EVERYTHING these days, but I laugh at everything too. It seems weird to me, even a year and half later, that I can again feel things. In fact, I was so numbed, that it took probably the first year for me to truly understand what I’d been missing, and why I was suddenly so “emotional” about everything.
And so, this morning I sat on the c-train on my way to work, and marveled at the beauty of the mountains in the early morning sun. I smiled as I felt the sun work to warm my face. A few months ago, I celebrated the ability to grieve.
I love that I feel things deeply. Emotions are such a blessing of God, such a beautiful act of healing in my life!
For all those years of depression, I lived in a constant state of pain that eventually numbed my ability to feel anything but the pain. I lived in a state of numbness, unable to truly enter into any emotion fully. I knew I was miserable, but that was it. That was the normal reality of life.
I reconnected with an old friend for coffee earlier this week, and was sharing the story of God’s healing in my life, and it hit me again how beautiful it is to be able to feel things.
I suppose it seems ridiculous to someone who has never experienced a lengthy loss of the ability to experience a breadth of emotion, but these days, I celebrate every tear, every moment where I am overcome with laughter, every momentary sensation of awe. At times, the wide breadth of emotion leaves me feeling like I have entirely lost any sense of equilibrium. I cry at EVERYTHING these days, but I laugh at everything too. It seems weird to me, even a year and half later, that I can again feel things. In fact, I was so numbed, that it took probably the first year for me to truly understand what I’d been missing, and why I was suddenly so “emotional” about everything.
And so, this morning I sat on the c-train on my way to work, and marveled at the beauty of the mountains in the early morning sun. I smiled as I felt the sun work to warm my face. A few months ago, I celebrated the ability to grieve.
I love that I feel things deeply. Emotions are such a blessing of God, such a beautiful act of healing in my life!
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Bono and Bill Hybels
I had a chance tonight to watch an interview that Bono did last summer with Bill Hybels for the Leadership Summit 2006. It was being shown at a local church, and my best friend was going, so I tagged along with her.
It was fantastic. If you get the chance to see it, you should. And if you know me, and would like to see it, let me know. My dad has a copy, and I'm thinking of setting up a viewing for a bunch of friends.
It was funny, profound, and even musical - basically all the things that are best about that famed Irish rock star named Bono. And it raises some beautiful questions.
My favorite line (loosely paraphrased)? "We need to stop asking God to bless what we're doing, and start looking for where he's already working and go there, because He is blessing that."
It was fantastic. If you get the chance to see it, you should. And if you know me, and would like to see it, let me know. My dad has a copy, and I'm thinking of setting up a viewing for a bunch of friends.
It was funny, profound, and even musical - basically all the things that are best about that famed Irish rock star named Bono. And it raises some beautiful questions.
My favorite line (loosely paraphrased)? "We need to stop asking God to bless what we're doing, and start looking for where he's already working and go there, because He is blessing that."
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
More on T's Wrist
Hi all... To go with what I posted yesterday, requesting prayer for my brother, here is an emailed prayer request/update that he sent out to our church family today. It made me cry, because I know the depth of emotion attached to this for him, and because we are very close as siblings. It hurts me that my baby brother is suffering in this way, and I really would appreciate your prayers for his healing. (Also, he has had to give up not only guitar, but volleyball, basketball, and several other sports activities that he has always enjoyed.)
Hello church family, its been a few months since I last updated you on my wrist, so here we go again. In the past few months i've had physio therapy, x-ray, bonescan, MRI, and chiropractic treatment, and unfortunutely nothing has helped me. The specialist is still unable to diagnose my problem, thus treatment is nearly impossible. I talked to one of the heads of the Music Department at Rocky (my college) today, and she told me (understandably) that I can't stay in the music program if my wrist doesn't heal. I would ask you to pray for healing, but also for me to accept this situation with Joy. I am praying for God to transform my attitude so that I can honestly be joyful and say I am blessed despite my circumstances. However, I am finding this to be a difficult goal. My inability to play both guitar and the sports I love is causing me a great deal of pain and struggle. I would greatly appreciate your prayers for my healing and growth through this time.
Your brother in Christ
T.
Hello church family, its been a few months since I last updated you on my wrist, so here we go again. In the past few months i've had physio therapy, x-ray, bonescan, MRI, and chiropractic treatment, and unfortunutely nothing has helped me. The specialist is still unable to diagnose my problem, thus treatment is nearly impossible. I talked to one of the heads of the Music Department at Rocky (my college) today, and she told me (understandably) that I can't stay in the music program if my wrist doesn't heal. I would ask you to pray for healing, but also for me to accept this situation with Joy. I am praying for God to transform my attitude so that I can honestly be joyful and say I am blessed despite my circumstances. However, I am finding this to be a difficult goal. My inability to play both guitar and the sports I love is causing me a great deal of pain and struggle. I would greatly appreciate your prayers for my healing and growth through this time.
Your brother in Christ
T.
Monday, March 19, 2007
Prayer Request
Hey all, if you have a minute, I'd appreciate it if you'd pray for my baby brother (and by baby, I mean 18 years old, 6 feet tall!)
He's a music student at a local school. For the last semester, he hasn't been able to play his guitar because of a wrist injury. The doctors have now exhausted nearly all options (we're waiting on one more test and then there's a few really expensive, shot in the dark type medication options) and can't figure out what's wrong, or how to treat it.
T. is getting pretty discouraged because of this. Guitar has always been his passion, and he's facing the possibility of losing it right now. He's struggling deeply, as he very carefully sought God's direction before entering music school, felt that God was directing him to go ahead, and within four months found himself unable to play his instrument.
I asked him the other day if it was something where he could simply go back to playing, and simply ignore the pain. It isn't.
So, if you have a minute, and are so inclined, I'd appreciate your prayers for my brother.
He's a music student at a local school. For the last semester, he hasn't been able to play his guitar because of a wrist injury. The doctors have now exhausted nearly all options (we're waiting on one more test and then there's a few really expensive, shot in the dark type medication options) and can't figure out what's wrong, or how to treat it.
T. is getting pretty discouraged because of this. Guitar has always been his passion, and he's facing the possibility of losing it right now. He's struggling deeply, as he very carefully sought God's direction before entering music school, felt that God was directing him to go ahead, and within four months found himself unable to play his instrument.
I asked him the other day if it was something where he could simply go back to playing, and simply ignore the pain. It isn't.
So, if you have a minute, and are so inclined, I'd appreciate your prayers for my brother.
Stiff neck
I'm regretting whatever position it was that I slept in last night (though sleep is a strong word for what actually occurred!). However I slept, my neck is making me pay for it today! Oh, well, these are the moments when it's probably a good thing to have a mother who is a massage and cranio-sacral therapist - I can probably get her to fix it up for me tonight!
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Restored Perspective?
I am generally experiencing a sense of relief at the moment.
While I am still concerned, and wrestling with a number of the issues I mentioned in yesterday's post, I am feeling a sense of renewal, and (perhaps the best word would be) eased perspective.
Church today was not a complete washout. I had the chance to chat with some of the girls, to simply giggle inappropriately at all the wrong moments with them, and to enjoy their company. I sat with a number of them during church.
I came home and took a nap on the couch while watching curling on television with my dad (does it make me weirdly Canadian that I actually ENJOY watching curling?).
We had a meeting with the youth leadership team tonight. It consists of the pastor and I, and three kids from the group in whom we've identified leadership potential, and already existing roles of leadership within the group of young people that we work with. Together, the five of us plan the events, and evaluate the things we do as a group. It helped me to hear their perspective. They saw things quite differently from me in some ways, and it helped me to see the positives of the group of young people we work with through their eyes. It helped me to hear the things they're excited about, and the ideas they presented for ways we could better meet needs.
I feel a bit relieved.
It's not even 8:00pm. and I'm already wearing my pyjamas. This is indicative of the level of exhaustion I've been feeling lately. Tomorrow is another day of Lenten fasting for me, and back to the extreme busyness of my job these days. So, for the rest of the evening, my plan is to hide out, to watch some TV, maybe do a little reading, send a couple of emails, maybe do some crocheting, and just generally breathe and relax, and prepare my mind and heart for the week to come.
While I am still concerned, and wrestling with a number of the issues I mentioned in yesterday's post, I am feeling a sense of renewal, and (perhaps the best word would be) eased perspective.
Church today was not a complete washout. I had the chance to chat with some of the girls, to simply giggle inappropriately at all the wrong moments with them, and to enjoy their company. I sat with a number of them during church.
I came home and took a nap on the couch while watching curling on television with my dad (does it make me weirdly Canadian that I actually ENJOY watching curling?).
We had a meeting with the youth leadership team tonight. It consists of the pastor and I, and three kids from the group in whom we've identified leadership potential, and already existing roles of leadership within the group of young people that we work with. Together, the five of us plan the events, and evaluate the things we do as a group. It helped me to hear their perspective. They saw things quite differently from me in some ways, and it helped me to see the positives of the group of young people we work with through their eyes. It helped me to hear the things they're excited about, and the ideas they presented for ways we could better meet needs.
I feel a bit relieved.
It's not even 8:00pm. and I'm already wearing my pyjamas. This is indicative of the level of exhaustion I've been feeling lately. Tomorrow is another day of Lenten fasting for me, and back to the extreme busyness of my job these days. So, for the rest of the evening, my plan is to hide out, to watch some TV, maybe do a little reading, send a couple of emails, maybe do some crocheting, and just generally breathe and relax, and prepare my mind and heart for the week to come.
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Where I'm at...
It has been an interesting sort of week, one that in reality is the culmination of a couple of months worth of things. I’ve spent a chunk of the day trying to figure out in my mind how to sum it up. I spent an hour sitting with my computer in my lap this afternoon, writing – ranting really – about the state of my life just presently. And I’m sitting here now, getting ready to clean and condense those rants into something I can put here, to frame them thoughtfully, and hopefully truthfully. So, I’m sitting here with only the light of the computer screen, and the three candles I’ve taken to lighting lately when I want to do some thinking and meditating. I’m intensely aware of my surroundings, of the noise of someone attempting a skateboard trick over and over in the parking lot across the street, of the reflections of the light from my screen onto my glasses, of the dampness of the hair at the base of my neck, because I’ve just come from laying in a hot bath to read, of the heat generated by the computer warming my thighs as it rests on my lap.
Here’s the best I can do: I’m really struggling right now. I’m feeling somewhat over my head, somewhat discouraged, somewhat angry, and just plain exhausted. And I’m tired of feeling all of these things, and I wish I could avoid them entirely, but they continue to make themselves known quite regularly.
I’m wrestling, this week in particular with some church related things. If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you’ll know that I made a major church switch last fall, from a church that had been my home and family for nearly three years, to the church in which I grew up, the church my dad pastors. There were lots of reasons for the switch, it was a long, complex and deeply painful decision making process, and I felt nothing but relief when it finally came to a close.
I’m not feeling that relief any more. I was always hesitant about returning to my dad’s church. It had been the source of many wounds and sore spots over the years, but, after many hours of prayer and seeking the guidance of God, and many long conversations with those I trust as friends and advisors, I went ahead.
It has been very hard. I have spent much of my life looking for a place to belong, for a sense of acceptance and community. That existed in some small extent in my previous church. It doesn’t in my dad’s church. I am volunteering with the youth, and rediscovering how different my personality is from your standard youth leader. I hate the surface things, and I hate youth events. I’ve always hated youth events – especially as a teenager. I tolerated them then, because my youth leader made a point to drive me home last, and we usually got twenty minutes or so of meaningful conversation in at the end of the night. When I was a teenager, I worked to enjoy those sorts of things, the crazy skits, the loud games, the boisterous group conversations, because I thought I was abnormal for hating them. Then, I went to university, found out that I wasn’t alone, or even abnormal, and came into my own skin a little. I vowed never to find myself pushed into those sorts of situations again – and then I became a youth leader.
I’m working to model the level of caring and relationship that so impacted me for the girls I am caring for, but it doesn’t seem to be going well. These girls actually LIKE the crazy games, and events. They’re “cool” in a way that I never was and will never actually attain. And I wonder sometimes if I will (am) actually make a difference in their lives.
The trickiest bit is that the deep longing of my heart for many years now has been to find a community of believers in which their existed a solid structure of spiritual friends, and especially of spiritual parents. I long to live in community with people who share the deep desires of my heart to seek after God, to live a life of prayer, from which stems justice and mission, to seek the voice of God, and live in obedience to what He asks. I haven’t found that. I haven’t even made friends. I am the only person attending the church in my peer group, and many of my closest friends from other places, who would fit this bill live in other cities, or are simply busy with the stuff of life. I feel at times that I am walking this journey quite alone, and I wonder if that will ever change.
And then, there is the whole issue of direction for the future. It seems that at the times in my life when I knew that Calgary was the place I was supposed to be, when I was completely settled, and unable, or no supposed to transition, there were always exciting options available. Now, as I am seeking God’s direction for the next season of my life, as I am completely convinced that it is time to make a transition, that He is calling me outwards, He is depressingly silent as to the actual direction. Doors that had been open have been closed, and things that had seemed to be imminent possibilities suddenly seem very far off.
And, that, my friends is the update. I’m actually doing okay. I’m a bit lonely, a bit frustrated, but I believe strongly that something incredible is coming. I guess I’m just getting a bit tired of waiting, and in a week when I am forced to confront more than one distressing reality at once, I get pretty tired, pretty angry, pretty frustrated with God and with humanity too.
Here’s the best I can do: I’m really struggling right now. I’m feeling somewhat over my head, somewhat discouraged, somewhat angry, and just plain exhausted. And I’m tired of feeling all of these things, and I wish I could avoid them entirely, but they continue to make themselves known quite regularly.
I’m wrestling, this week in particular with some church related things. If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you’ll know that I made a major church switch last fall, from a church that had been my home and family for nearly three years, to the church in which I grew up, the church my dad pastors. There were lots of reasons for the switch, it was a long, complex and deeply painful decision making process, and I felt nothing but relief when it finally came to a close.
I’m not feeling that relief any more. I was always hesitant about returning to my dad’s church. It had been the source of many wounds and sore spots over the years, but, after many hours of prayer and seeking the guidance of God, and many long conversations with those I trust as friends and advisors, I went ahead.
It has been very hard. I have spent much of my life looking for a place to belong, for a sense of acceptance and community. That existed in some small extent in my previous church. It doesn’t in my dad’s church. I am volunteering with the youth, and rediscovering how different my personality is from your standard youth leader. I hate the surface things, and I hate youth events. I’ve always hated youth events – especially as a teenager. I tolerated them then, because my youth leader made a point to drive me home last, and we usually got twenty minutes or so of meaningful conversation in at the end of the night. When I was a teenager, I worked to enjoy those sorts of things, the crazy skits, the loud games, the boisterous group conversations, because I thought I was abnormal for hating them. Then, I went to university, found out that I wasn’t alone, or even abnormal, and came into my own skin a little. I vowed never to find myself pushed into those sorts of situations again – and then I became a youth leader.
I’m working to model the level of caring and relationship that so impacted me for the girls I am caring for, but it doesn’t seem to be going well. These girls actually LIKE the crazy games, and events. They’re “cool” in a way that I never was and will never actually attain. And I wonder sometimes if I will (am) actually make a difference in their lives.
The trickiest bit is that the deep longing of my heart for many years now has been to find a community of believers in which their existed a solid structure of spiritual friends, and especially of spiritual parents. I long to live in community with people who share the deep desires of my heart to seek after God, to live a life of prayer, from which stems justice and mission, to seek the voice of God, and live in obedience to what He asks. I haven’t found that. I haven’t even made friends. I am the only person attending the church in my peer group, and many of my closest friends from other places, who would fit this bill live in other cities, or are simply busy with the stuff of life. I feel at times that I am walking this journey quite alone, and I wonder if that will ever change.
And then, there is the whole issue of direction for the future. It seems that at the times in my life when I knew that Calgary was the place I was supposed to be, when I was completely settled, and unable, or no supposed to transition, there were always exciting options available. Now, as I am seeking God’s direction for the next season of my life, as I am completely convinced that it is time to make a transition, that He is calling me outwards, He is depressingly silent as to the actual direction. Doors that had been open have been closed, and things that had seemed to be imminent possibilities suddenly seem very far off.
And, that, my friends is the update. I’m actually doing okay. I’m a bit lonely, a bit frustrated, but I believe strongly that something incredible is coming. I guess I’m just getting a bit tired of waiting, and in a week when I am forced to confront more than one distressing reality at once, I get pretty tired, pretty angry, pretty frustrated with God and with humanity too.
Friday, March 16, 2007
One of those weeks
This has been one of "those" fabled weeks. Seems like all sorts of things have gone haywire, the stress has piled right on, and generally I've been hit by all kinds of personal struggles as well.
I think I'm glad it's Friday afternoon. Not too much of the day left, then two whole days to forget about work and just vegetate at home for a while!
I've also been sort of sick. Not sure exactly what's going on, but while a semi-positive attitude has held up fairly well under the stress, my body hasn't done quite as well. I took a half-day sick day yesterday, left work at noon, and went home, and laid in bed for the rest of the afternoon. (Seems I don't sleep in the afternoon these days either.)
Seriously, if you know any good sleep remedies, let me know. I woke up five times last night between 3:20 and 6:30 when I finally had to get up. The only saving grace was that I actually slept solidly for about 4 hours before the waking up started. The whole insomnia thing has never been that uncommon for me, but this stretch (2 and a half months now) may be the longest I've ever experience without sleeping properly through the night. Some nights as I fall asleep, I literally beg God to let me sleep a whole 5 or 6 straight hours. Seems crazy, even to me!
And with that, I'm back to work. There's mail to sort, and things to do!
A longer, more "meaningful" post coming tonight or sometime over the course of the weekend, I promise. I've been doing lots of thinking this week, I just need to find the time to process it all enough to write it down.
I think I'm glad it's Friday afternoon. Not too much of the day left, then two whole days to forget about work and just vegetate at home for a while!
I've also been sort of sick. Not sure exactly what's going on, but while a semi-positive attitude has held up fairly well under the stress, my body hasn't done quite as well. I took a half-day sick day yesterday, left work at noon, and went home, and laid in bed for the rest of the afternoon. (Seems I don't sleep in the afternoon these days either.)
Seriously, if you know any good sleep remedies, let me know. I woke up five times last night between 3:20 and 6:30 when I finally had to get up. The only saving grace was that I actually slept solidly for about 4 hours before the waking up started. The whole insomnia thing has never been that uncommon for me, but this stretch (2 and a half months now) may be the longest I've ever experience without sleeping properly through the night. Some nights as I fall asleep, I literally beg God to let me sleep a whole 5 or 6 straight hours. Seems crazy, even to me!
And with that, I'm back to work. There's mail to sort, and things to do!
A longer, more "meaningful" post coming tonight or sometime over the course of the weekend, I promise. I've been doing lots of thinking this week, I just need to find the time to process it all enough to write it down.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
filling time
It hit home for me today how much I have always used novels to hide from the messier or more stressful realities of daily life. As I was taking the train home, I was contemplating how much I'd like to curl up in a hot bath and read the evening away. And then I realized that I don't even have any novels around, because I've given them up for Lent, along with a weekly bout of fasting.
So, tonight I made a trip to the craft store. I've taken up crocheting, and I'm making a scarf just presently. Something to do with my hands while I watch a bit of TV, listen to music, or a sermon.
I like the feeling of creating, of watching something appear where there wasn't anything, of making something beautiful and practical.
I miss the novels, particularly after a day like today, which was full of stress, and created a knot of tension that took quite a lot of crocheting (and a liberal dose of chocolate) to loosen.
But this might be a good alternative... we'll have to see.
So, tonight I made a trip to the craft store. I've taken up crocheting, and I'm making a scarf just presently. Something to do with my hands while I watch a bit of TV, listen to music, or a sermon.
I like the feeling of creating, of watching something appear where there wasn't anything, of making something beautiful and practical.
I miss the novels, particularly after a day like today, which was full of stress, and created a knot of tension that took quite a lot of crocheting (and a liberal dose of chocolate) to loosen.
But this might be a good alternative... we'll have to see.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Tired Brain and an Ethical Dilemma
My youngest brother and my dad and I sat around our dinner table for nearly two hours after we finished eating tonight. We got involved in a wildly ranging theological, ethical and moral discussion that started with the topic of tongues, but quickly (though I'm not sure how) moved to a discussion of ethics, stemming from the following question, with the included presuppositions. Let me know what you think. I should, theoretically be able to tell you all about the ethics of it, but to be honest I'm not entirely certain I followed our conversation, which travelled in quite a number of circles before coming to a conclusion. (We did however, wander our way through an illustration of all of the events of world history as a five act Shakesperean play, with the five fingers on a hand as a visual... I found it very helpful in terms of some big picture stuff!)
So, here's the question: If someone you know was going to have an abortion (and, assuming that you oppose abortion, you've made your position very clear to them, but they're still going to have the abortion), and if you don't accompany this person, they'll be alone, would you drive her? And why?
So, here's the question: If someone you know was going to have an abortion (and, assuming that you oppose abortion, you've made your position very clear to them, but they're still going to have the abortion), and if you don't accompany this person, they'll be alone, would you drive her? And why?
Should have stayed in bed...
Today is going to be one of those days. I can tell. I know it's Tuesday, but it's worthy of a Monday.
The snow is dumping down, and we had a whole pile overnight. Heavy, wet, spring snow, that's nasty to be out walking in.
Someone broke my photocopier yesterday. The tech guy came and fixed it, but it broke again this morning, in exactly the same place, plus some new and crazy thing. I'm waiting for another tech guy.
I'm feeling kind of lousy - stiff muscles, queasy stomach, and sleepy.
I should have gone with my initial instinct upon waking this morning, and stayed firmly curled up in my nice warm bed!
The snow is dumping down, and we had a whole pile overnight. Heavy, wet, spring snow, that's nasty to be out walking in.
Someone broke my photocopier yesterday. The tech guy came and fixed it, but it broke again this morning, in exactly the same place, plus some new and crazy thing. I'm waiting for another tech guy.
I'm feeling kind of lousy - stiff muscles, queasy stomach, and sleepy.
I should have gone with my initial instinct upon waking this morning, and stayed firmly curled up in my nice warm bed!
Another article to read...
In my ongoing struggle with questions over war vs. peace and so on, I came across this article on TIME magazine this morning. Since most of you know that I also have a strong interest in mental health issues (due to my own background, and the growing awareness that various friends have brought), you won't be surprised that the findings of the article are disturbing to me. Particularly when you consider that the age group the increased rates of mental illness caused by time at war is most dramatically affecting are those who are my peers.
Anyway, give it a read and let me know what you think!
Anyway, give it a read and let me know what you think!
Monday, March 12, 2007
Amusing Headline
"Ant Infestation Tests Non-violence of Buddhist Monks in Malaysian Temple"
It made me chuckle a little. While I definitely feel non-violence is a good option for behavior towards other humans, I don't think my committment extends to poisonous stinging ants!
It made me chuckle a little. While I definitely feel non-violence is a good option for behavior towards other humans, I don't think my committment extends to poisonous stinging ants!
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Pasta and Chocolate
I had somewhat of a frustrating evening, long, and, because of the exhaustion from last night's lack of sleep, emotional.
I made a quick trip to the grocery store tonight, and, while contemplating what to pack for lunches this week, spotted some pasta that drew my attention (spinach and cheese ravioli). A quick trip to the aisle with sauces, picked up some sun-dried tomato pesto, and at the check-out stand a Kit-Kat bar, and headed for home. Some quick cooking left me with a satisfying meal, so I pulled on my pygamas, curled up in my chair with the plate of pasta, and watched an episode of Gray's Anatomy on my laptop.
This was exactly what was needed, for I had hit the point in exhaustion where everything makes me want to cry, and I needed the quiet, the rich food, the chocolate, and the little bit of melodrama to relax my brain and chill out for a while.
And, with that, I'm off to bed. I'm tired, work promises to continue at a dizzying pace this week, and I'd like to read a bit before making yet another attempt at sleep (with prayer first this time!) See you all tomorrow or the next day!
I made a quick trip to the grocery store tonight, and, while contemplating what to pack for lunches this week, spotted some pasta that drew my attention (spinach and cheese ravioli). A quick trip to the aisle with sauces, picked up some sun-dried tomato pesto, and at the check-out stand a Kit-Kat bar, and headed for home. Some quick cooking left me with a satisfying meal, so I pulled on my pygamas, curled up in my chair with the plate of pasta, and watched an episode of Gray's Anatomy on my laptop.
This was exactly what was needed, for I had hit the point in exhaustion where everything makes me want to cry, and I needed the quiet, the rich food, the chocolate, and the little bit of melodrama to relax my brain and chill out for a while.
And, with that, I'm off to bed. I'm tired, work promises to continue at a dizzying pace this week, and I'd like to read a bit before making yet another attempt at sleep (with prayer first this time!) See you all tomorrow or the next day!
The price of a re-learned lesson
(wrote this before church this morning)
Did you ever have one of those lessons that you keep having to learn over and over, even though it should have become obvious by this point, because it affects a central area of your daily life?
I was reminded of one of those again last night.
I went to an evening of worship put on by some friends last night, out for drinks with them afterwards, and then home to bed. Thanks to the time change, I was already short an hour of sleep.
Here’s the lesson: I forgot (again!) to pray God’s protection over my mind as I slept. Not a good mistake to make, especially after I’ve engaged in worship, and my spiritual awareness is heightened.
This time I paid the price and only got about 3-4 hours of sleep. Thanks to the combination of daylight savings, waking up every hour or so, and three consectutive versions of the same nightmare, stacked one on top of the other with slight variations to create variety, I am now sitting on the back row of church, watching the worship team set up and begin to practice for the service, and wondering how I’m going to keep my eyes open for the rest of the day. (And can I just say that if scientists and screenwriters could find a way to tap into my brain as I sleep, they could write some serious blockbuster style action-adventure dramas! And people wonder why I don’t watch many of that style of movie – why feed the fire? I come up with enough scary images all on my own!)
Let me just say that I WILL be praying protection over my mind tonight before I go to sleep!
Did you ever have one of those lessons that you keep having to learn over and over, even though it should have become obvious by this point, because it affects a central area of your daily life?
I was reminded of one of those again last night.
I went to an evening of worship put on by some friends last night, out for drinks with them afterwards, and then home to bed. Thanks to the time change, I was already short an hour of sleep.
Here’s the lesson: I forgot (again!) to pray God’s protection over my mind as I slept. Not a good mistake to make, especially after I’ve engaged in worship, and my spiritual awareness is heightened.
This time I paid the price and only got about 3-4 hours of sleep. Thanks to the combination of daylight savings, waking up every hour or so, and three consectutive versions of the same nightmare, stacked one on top of the other with slight variations to create variety, I am now sitting on the back row of church, watching the worship team set up and begin to practice for the service, and wondering how I’m going to keep my eyes open for the rest of the day. (And can I just say that if scientists and screenwriters could find a way to tap into my brain as I sleep, they could write some serious blockbuster style action-adventure dramas! And people wonder why I don’t watch many of that style of movie – why feed the fire? I come up with enough scary images all on my own!)
Let me just say that I WILL be praying protection over my mind tonight before I go to sleep!
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Reevaluating
I'm going to spend some time this week praying and re-evaluating the whole girl's Bible study thing. I talked with the pastor I work with this morning, since he was at my house for a meeting with the church board anyway. We're going to meet sometime this week and do some re-evaluating. I think I may do girl's hang out nights or something for a while, something to build some relationships and create some community among the girls, hopefully bust through some of the pre-existing cliques and create a larger sense of belonging.
I had one girl show up this morning. We skipped the study in favor of breakfast at Denny's. Pancakes, hashbrowns, sausages, and good conversation. A good chance to connect and talk to her about the things that have been going on in her life the last while.
I'm not sure where this will go next... have to spend some time figuring that out.
I had one girl show up this morning. We skipped the study in favor of breakfast at Denny's. Pancakes, hashbrowns, sausages, and good conversation. A good chance to connect and talk to her about the things that have been going on in her life the last while.
I'm not sure where this will go next... have to spend some time figuring that out.
Compliments?
I was thinking yesterday about giving and receiving compliments.
I wore my hair in a different way than usual to work, by virtue of the fact that I overslept in the morning, and woke to curly hair going in every direction. With some quick work, I twisted it and piled it on top of my head in a fashion that looked cute (to me, in my bleary eyed early morning state, staring blankly at the mirror!) and seemed to show off the various red and blond shades that I paid a great deal of money to have added to my natural colors over a three hour time slot last weekend.
Apparently, however, the new style paid off, and I received a number of compliments on the style, and on my choice of clothing (also quick and utilitarian - designed around the fact that I had known I would be spending a large chunk of yesterday afternoon re-potting the office plants, and mucking around in the dirt).
However, there was one coworker (whom I generally find rather difficult to respect) who may have been trying (on two different occasions) to pay a genuine compliment, but came off as basically telling me that I should dress and wear my hair in this manner more regularly, because this looked "pretty" and the other ways and clothes do not.
The whole situation reminded me of the need to frame words carefully - to pay attention to even things like the tone with which they are delivered. I'm not sure this coworker in any way intended to be rude and critical (though he does have a general tendency to be tempermental and concerned about everything but his own job), but he came off this way none-the-less.
I wore my hair in a different way than usual to work, by virtue of the fact that I overslept in the morning, and woke to curly hair going in every direction. With some quick work, I twisted it and piled it on top of my head in a fashion that looked cute (to me, in my bleary eyed early morning state, staring blankly at the mirror!) and seemed to show off the various red and blond shades that I paid a great deal of money to have added to my natural colors over a three hour time slot last weekend.
Apparently, however, the new style paid off, and I received a number of compliments on the style, and on my choice of clothing (also quick and utilitarian - designed around the fact that I had known I would be spending a large chunk of yesterday afternoon re-potting the office plants, and mucking around in the dirt).
However, there was one coworker (whom I generally find rather difficult to respect) who may have been trying (on two different occasions) to pay a genuine compliment, but came off as basically telling me that I should dress and wear my hair in this manner more regularly, because this looked "pretty" and the other ways and clothes do not.
The whole situation reminded me of the need to frame words carefully - to pay attention to even things like the tone with which they are delivered. I'm not sure this coworker in any way intended to be rude and critical (though he does have a general tendency to be tempermental and concerned about everything but his own job), but he came off this way none-the-less.
Friday, March 09, 2007
Procrastinating
Right at this moment I should be preparing a Bible study. I have to teach one to a bunch of senior high and university girls tomorrow morning, and at this moment, with about 12 hours to go (hopefully some of those spent sleeping!) I have no earthly idea what we're going to talk about. We're supposed to be working our way through the Gospel of Mark, or at least that was my original plan, but I'm feeling somewhat uninspired about that plan just presently.
I'm finding it a rather immense challenge to lead a study for this group of girls. I never know who's coming from one week to the next, whether I'll have one girl, or three, or more (though I've never had more). The girls who had been regular attenders to this point can't make it tomorrow for an assortment of reasons, so it'll be a completely new bunch, with only one confirmed to be attending so far. Sometimes I wonder if we jumped into the whole study thing too soon? The youth pastor I'm working with was keen to get something started for the girls (he had the guys angle covered) but I have to wonder at times if it wasn't just that he wanted something to be happening for girls too? We may have rushed it a bit. I don't have huge levels of relationship or trust with most of the girls yet (though I do with some of the guys - mostly because I watched them grow up, while the girls are all new to the church). I'm just not entirely sure that this study is producing anything worthwhile, and that we shouldn't simply be organizing times of getting to know each other better, having coffees, shopping, and doing the things girls do together that still allow for great conversation, but take the pressure off...
Hard to say...
Well, now that I've lit candles around my room (maybe atmosphere is good for inspiration?) and procrastinated by writing a blog post, I suppose I better go do some praying, and see what I can come up with.
Is it really bad that I'm kind of hoping only one girl will show up, and then we can scrap the study entirely in favor of heading to a coffee shop to spend some time getting to know each other a bit better?
I'm finding it a rather immense challenge to lead a study for this group of girls. I never know who's coming from one week to the next, whether I'll have one girl, or three, or more (though I've never had more). The girls who had been regular attenders to this point can't make it tomorrow for an assortment of reasons, so it'll be a completely new bunch, with only one confirmed to be attending so far. Sometimes I wonder if we jumped into the whole study thing too soon? The youth pastor I'm working with was keen to get something started for the girls (he had the guys angle covered) but I have to wonder at times if it wasn't just that he wanted something to be happening for girls too? We may have rushed it a bit. I don't have huge levels of relationship or trust with most of the girls yet (though I do with some of the guys - mostly because I watched them grow up, while the girls are all new to the church). I'm just not entirely sure that this study is producing anything worthwhile, and that we shouldn't simply be organizing times of getting to know each other better, having coffees, shopping, and doing the things girls do together that still allow for great conversation, but take the pressure off...
Hard to say...
Well, now that I've lit candles around my room (maybe atmosphere is good for inspiration?) and procrastinated by writing a blog post, I suppose I better go do some praying, and see what I can come up with.
Is it really bad that I'm kind of hoping only one girl will show up, and then we can scrap the study entirely in favor of heading to a coffee shop to spend some time getting to know each other a bit better?
Thursday, March 08, 2007
An Affinity for a Dreaming King
I just came home from the final gathering of a Bible study that I've been a part of off and on since September. It's been taught by a brilliant teacher (though the group was entirely awkward) and we've been doing a basic survey of the Old Testament.
We worked our way through part of Daniel tonight, reading chronologically, rather than in the order the chapters are laid out.
I feel a definite affinity and sense of empathy for King Nebuchadnezzar and all his troubles with dreams. I laughed internally as we read of his fury at his advisors - "Tell me my dream and what it means, I'm greatly disturbed." Boy, do I know that feeling! There have been so many mornings over the course of my life and particularly lately where I come awake, and know I've been dreaming, for it has left a sense of disturbance, and even fear at times in my emotions, but I have no idea why. I'd love to have someone who could tell me what I dreamed and what it meant. And then he dreams again, and this time he can remember the dream, and repeat it, but still can't quite figure it out. Been there, done that. (Just ask the friends who regularly get emails from me asking if they have any insight into this dream or that dream!) I understand this guy, who suddenly finds himself blindsided in his sleep by God, and can't quite figure out what to do with it.
Did you know that I haven't slept through the night (more than 4 or very occasionally 5 straight hours) in at least two months now? I don't dream every night - but I do dream most nights. I don't retain most of the dreams, just the damage they do to my emotional and spiritual equilibrium. The ones I do retain, I rarely seem to understand. I'm thrilled that God is speaking. (But I really would like to sleep at least a couple times a week.) Often I wake to voices, though I rarely retain the words, strong pictures, things repeating over and over again as I toss and turn through the night, but not ingraining themselves strongly enough that I can remember and respond when I wake.
Like I said, I feel a certain empathy for this Babylonian king who was ambushed by God Most High while he slept.
We worked our way through part of Daniel tonight, reading chronologically, rather than in the order the chapters are laid out.
I feel a definite affinity and sense of empathy for King Nebuchadnezzar and all his troubles with dreams. I laughed internally as we read of his fury at his advisors - "Tell me my dream and what it means, I'm greatly disturbed." Boy, do I know that feeling! There have been so many mornings over the course of my life and particularly lately where I come awake, and know I've been dreaming, for it has left a sense of disturbance, and even fear at times in my emotions, but I have no idea why. I'd love to have someone who could tell me what I dreamed and what it meant. And then he dreams again, and this time he can remember the dream, and repeat it, but still can't quite figure it out. Been there, done that. (Just ask the friends who regularly get emails from me asking if they have any insight into this dream or that dream!) I understand this guy, who suddenly finds himself blindsided in his sleep by God, and can't quite figure out what to do with it.
Did you know that I haven't slept through the night (more than 4 or very occasionally 5 straight hours) in at least two months now? I don't dream every night - but I do dream most nights. I don't retain most of the dreams, just the damage they do to my emotional and spiritual equilibrium. The ones I do retain, I rarely seem to understand. I'm thrilled that God is speaking. (But I really would like to sleep at least a couple times a week.) Often I wake to voices, though I rarely retain the words, strong pictures, things repeating over and over again as I toss and turn through the night, but not ingraining themselves strongly enough that I can remember and respond when I wake.
Like I said, I feel a certain empathy for this Babylonian king who was ambushed by God Most High while he slept.
Pants!
Okay, so this may be the least profound post ever, but I just wanted to let you all know that I bought a pair of pants last night. This may seem very ordinary, but I seem to be in between sizes at the moment, and have been having great difficulty locating a pair of pants that fits properly (and I rather desperately needed pants - can't keep wearing the same two pairs in rotation to work for weeks on end!).
Now all I have to do is shorten them by six inches or so (blast the fact that girls pants don't come in lengths like guys do), and then I'll be happily wearing them around town!
Now all I have to do is shorten them by six inches or so (blast the fact that girls pants don't come in lengths like guys do), and then I'll be happily wearing them around town!
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Lent, two weeks in
I realized tonight that I am enjoying this season of Lent, that it is doing things in my heart yet again, that God is working, even where I didn't expect him.
I'm fasting once a week, and I've stopped reading fiction for the course of this season. Both things that I felt God was asking me to do without for a while, in order to more fully listen to his voice. Both food and novels are ways I hide from the world, and often from the more painful realities in my own life, and the painful things God is doing.
Here's the thing, while the fasting isn't that easy, and I can't quite figure out what to do with my time now that I'm not reading two or three novels a week, I feel certain things shifting in me. I feel parts of me coming alive again, in ways they haven't been alive for a quite a while now. I am listening more, instead of filling the space in my head with false realities. I am hearing God, and voices of people I trust. I'm checking out sermons, reading works of theology and biography, and watching things that challenge me. I am feeling inspired to create again, and to write. I haven't particularly wanted to write this last while - not the blogging sort of writing, but essay writing, and working on a book project I started last fall. I want to create beauty again, rather than just enjoy other's creations from a distance.
Today, as I took the train to work, I was writing in the journal that has rapidly become my c-train book (it's smaller than my other journal, more portable, and pretty - orange silk with a cool decoration - a gift from a friend's trip to China last year). As I was writing, I began to reflect on the various things I'd learned in four weeks of fasting on Mondays. I'm not going to share those things here, yet, and maybe never, but as I wrote I came to the conclusion that even if God does not provide the clarity and direction I'm seeking over the course of this fast, I won't regret it. I value the things I am learning about myself, about God, and about my relationship with God.
Sometime in the next few days I'm going to post some "Jesus stories" here. The latest discussion topic on Marty's blog has got me thinking, and I definitely have some stories to tell - some I'll tell there, some I'll tell here.
See you then!
I'm fasting once a week, and I've stopped reading fiction for the course of this season. Both things that I felt God was asking me to do without for a while, in order to more fully listen to his voice. Both food and novels are ways I hide from the world, and often from the more painful realities in my own life, and the painful things God is doing.
Here's the thing, while the fasting isn't that easy, and I can't quite figure out what to do with my time now that I'm not reading two or three novels a week, I feel certain things shifting in me. I feel parts of me coming alive again, in ways they haven't been alive for a quite a while now. I am listening more, instead of filling the space in my head with false realities. I am hearing God, and voices of people I trust. I'm checking out sermons, reading works of theology and biography, and watching things that challenge me. I am feeling inspired to create again, and to write. I haven't particularly wanted to write this last while - not the blogging sort of writing, but essay writing, and working on a book project I started last fall. I want to create beauty again, rather than just enjoy other's creations from a distance.
Today, as I took the train to work, I was writing in the journal that has rapidly become my c-train book (it's smaller than my other journal, more portable, and pretty - orange silk with a cool decoration - a gift from a friend's trip to China last year). As I was writing, I began to reflect on the various things I'd learned in four weeks of fasting on Mondays. I'm not going to share those things here, yet, and maybe never, but as I wrote I came to the conclusion that even if God does not provide the clarity and direction I'm seeking over the course of this fast, I won't regret it. I value the things I am learning about myself, about God, and about my relationship with God.
Sometime in the next few days I'm going to post some "Jesus stories" here. The latest discussion topic on Marty's blog has got me thinking, and I definitely have some stories to tell - some I'll tell there, some I'll tell here.
See you then!
Good Read
Check out this article (on RelevantMagazine.com) by Jason Upton's drummer. I appreciated the reminder of the importance of the "ordinary" events.
Monday, March 05, 2007
Glad for Distance
The vast majority of my extended family lives far away. I see them once every four or five years, or in between if some of them happen to visit Canada.
There have been moments that I’ve resented this distance – this separation from an entire part of my heritage. I’m a historian. I can’t help it. I value family and family heritage quite highly.
But what I really need to admit is that most of the time I’m very glad that they live in another country. That particular part of my family is the very epitomy of the word “dysfunctional.” I once described certain members of that side of my family to a friend who is never without a joke. After I finished, he kind of stared at me for a second, paused, and wryly said, “There’s just no punchline – they’re their own punchline.” To be honest, I think the constant drama, the constant issues, the emotional and spiritual tension would weigh on me far more heavily than it already does at times if I lived nearby. I feel called to love broken people, and break silences that oppress, but a lot of the time I struggle to extend that compassion to my own family, so mired in silence, so seemingly beyond restoration.
May God grant me a growing heart of mercy and restoration not only for the world, but for those within my own family.
There have been moments that I’ve resented this distance – this separation from an entire part of my heritage. I’m a historian. I can’t help it. I value family and family heritage quite highly.
But what I really need to admit is that most of the time I’m very glad that they live in another country. That particular part of my family is the very epitomy of the word “dysfunctional.” I once described certain members of that side of my family to a friend who is never without a joke. After I finished, he kind of stared at me for a second, paused, and wryly said, “There’s just no punchline – they’re their own punchline.” To be honest, I think the constant drama, the constant issues, the emotional and spiritual tension would weigh on me far more heavily than it already does at times if I lived nearby. I feel called to love broken people, and break silences that oppress, but a lot of the time I struggle to extend that compassion to my own family, so mired in silence, so seemingly beyond restoration.
May God grant me a growing heart of mercy and restoration not only for the world, but for those within my own family.
Saturday, March 03, 2007
Good Friends
I thought I'd stop in long enough to mention how much I value the people in my life, even the ones I only see once every month or too because of location differences, or schedule differences, or just lack of major effort.
I went to Kari's birthday party last night. I came home feeling bathed in love and restored in spirit. (When was the last time you could say THAT about a birthday party?) It wasn't that anything particular happened, it wasn't that there were stunning moments, it was just that I was with people who I knew were actually interested in my life, and in the conversations we were having. We didn't talk about anything earth-shaking, just the variety of things we hold in common and the things we don't. We even talked for a while about who (up to 5 people living or dead) we'd invite to our ultimate dinner party. Everyone from Bono to someone's mom were mentioned!
I am grateful for these friends, who challenge me to keep pushing for more things in life. I am grateful for hugs - I've discovered a huge affinity in the past year for physical contact, particularly the hug. And these people give them freely. I'm grateful for invitations to other events, for friends who share interests and friends who don't, and thus broaden my own interest.
I came home feeling warm and happy, and this is a rare occurrence for me after a big social gathering.
Thanks, Jesus for good friends.
I went to Kari's birthday party last night. I came home feeling bathed in love and restored in spirit. (When was the last time you could say THAT about a birthday party?) It wasn't that anything particular happened, it wasn't that there were stunning moments, it was just that I was with people who I knew were actually interested in my life, and in the conversations we were having. We didn't talk about anything earth-shaking, just the variety of things we hold in common and the things we don't. We even talked for a while about who (up to 5 people living or dead) we'd invite to our ultimate dinner party. Everyone from Bono to someone's mom were mentioned!
I am grateful for these friends, who challenge me to keep pushing for more things in life. I am grateful for hugs - I've discovered a huge affinity in the past year for physical contact, particularly the hug. And these people give them freely. I'm grateful for invitations to other events, for friends who share interests and friends who don't, and thus broaden my own interest.
I came home feeling warm and happy, and this is a rare occurrence for me after a big social gathering.
Thanks, Jesus for good friends.
Red and Blond
This is my new haircut. Not a great picture, you can't see the blond and the red really well, but I thought I'd share it because it made me smile.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Skirt Weather Coming Our Way?
I just glanced at Enviroment Canada's five day forecast for Calgary. There is skirt weather coming our way, possibly by Saturday!
Spacy
I just thought that I'd share with you all that my late night in combination with the cold/stomach bug I've been fighting for a week or two now have caught up with me, and I am having blond moments left right and center. In that spacy, can't quite believe the lapse in intelligence kind of way that I specialize in.
The Winter Blahs
I’m over winter. I mean really. 6 cm short of record snow-fall in February. I heard somewhere that we had 3 times the average snowfall this February. I picked my best friend up at the airport last night from a flight that was about 2 hours late due to bad weather where she was flying from complicated by bad weather in Calgary. As we brushed the four day accumulation off of her car in my driveway at midnight last night, she commented, “Who moves to a place where they have weather like this all the time?” I laughed at her, because she moved from the much more temperate West Coast to Calgary. She’s just sensitive because she got used to all that nice weather in Pakistan.
Now me, on the other hand – I have full complaining rights. I am a born and bred Calgarian, and like any good Calgarian, I do love to hate the weather. Have I mentioned in the last week or so that one of my goals in life is to live somewhere where I can wear skirts year-round without the risk of frostbite? My work wardrobe is severely limited when the weather and necessity of walking to and from the train confines it to pants and sweaters!
Do you think it will help if I declare the official end of winter? (I’m jealous of Nolan and his plans to leave for California soon – much better weather there!)
Now me, on the other hand – I have full complaining rights. I am a born and bred Calgarian, and like any good Calgarian, I do love to hate the weather. Have I mentioned in the last week or so that one of my goals in life is to live somewhere where I can wear skirts year-round without the risk of frostbite? My work wardrobe is severely limited when the weather and necessity of walking to and from the train confines it to pants and sweaters!
Do you think it will help if I declare the official end of winter? (I’m jealous of Nolan and his plans to leave for California soon – much better weather there!)
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