- A good conversation tonight with my brother J. while he worked on building a retaining wall at my parent's house. The time was that we couldn't be in the same room with each other without fighting, and if I'm being honest, he's the one who's made the effort to patch things up between us. In any case, conversations like the one we had tonight make me grateful for healing of relationships.
- cookies I picked up at the grocery store the other night. so good to have a sweet snack on a study break.
- thankful for a mellow week
- thankful that I kind of even understood the stats concepts I studied today (this is not always the case!)
- loving that I'm eating at my parent's these days (and that they're letting me). We're eating way better food than I generally cook for myself, simply because it's easier to shop and cook for three or more people than it is for one. More variety, and nicer cuts of meat are making me a happy lady. Tonight was grilled chicken salad for supper. So good.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 321
Today's Daily 5:
Mellow Week
I'm having a kind of mellow week, and it's a nice change.
Studying is slower. I'm moving slowly forward in Stats, but anatomy is at a place where I'm simply reviewing, waiting for the official start date so that I can submit the first assignment, take the first quiz, and write the first midterm.
My evenings have been slow and mellow, too. Full of time sprawled on my bed, reading or playing a game online. And full of time spent listening to worship services and teaching from various churches online or by podcast.
It's a nice change of pace, since I know that next week things will kick into crazyness again. But for this week, I'm loving the slower, more mellow pace. Especially given the crazy internal stuff that went on last week in particular. It's nice to simply feel quieter, inside and out.
Studying is slower. I'm moving slowly forward in Stats, but anatomy is at a place where I'm simply reviewing, waiting for the official start date so that I can submit the first assignment, take the first quiz, and write the first midterm.
My evenings have been slow and mellow, too. Full of time sprawled on my bed, reading or playing a game online. And full of time spent listening to worship services and teaching from various churches online or by podcast.
It's a nice change of pace, since I know that next week things will kick into crazyness again. But for this week, I'm loving the slower, more mellow pace. Especially given the crazy internal stuff that went on last week in particular. It's nice to simply feel quieter, inside and out.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 320
Today's Daily 5:
- coffee and studying this morning/early afternoon with my new friend M.
- that coffee and studying also included a walk by the reservoir, and lunch outside on a blanket in the shade of mom and dad's backyard, followed by more studying together, sprawled on the aforementioned blanket.
- steak filled pita wraps tonight for supper
- a ride home from mom and dad's (it doesn't happen often, but when it does, it's always nice)
- quiet, mellow evenings at home right now, just chilling, playing games online, trading emails with friends, reading, snacking, watching sermons or worship services or conferences online... it's restful, and needed.
A Mish-Mash of Stuff Worth Reading
I have a completely random collection of links absolutely worth checking out for you tonight.
My friends Ang and Kevin are in Angola. Ang works as a labor and delivery nurse when she's in Canada, but in Angola her nursing duties become so much broader still. Recently she wrote about an experience she had while scrubbing in on a c-section with an Angolan doctor (she often works with a Canadian doc who runs the clinic there). Her words about the attitude of the doctor and Angolan men about their wives struck me deeply as I paused to consider that last week I was receiving emails about the meeting of the G20 in Toronto, and the goal of gaining more dollars in aid for maternal health care. I think it's hard for that aid to be effective until we can also change the mindset that women are property. You can read Ang's story "The Ugliness of Inequality" here. I also loved this quote that they have on the sidebar of their blog, "If you've come here to help me, you're wasting your time. But if you've come because your liberation is bound up with mine, then let us work together." -- Australian Aboriginal Elder Lilla Watson
Kirsten wrote about sacred space, and creating that in her home. As someone with "altars" scattered all around my bedroom, and even spilling over in a small way to the study space I'm occupying at mom and dad's house these days, I loved her thoughts. Actually, these days I'm just rather enjoying following her blog in general, and have been quietly for quite some time.
I liked some of the thoughts that Kris Vallotton shared here. Particularly this bit: "Pray unceasingly. Give sacrificially. Dream unreasonably. Serve wholeheartedly. Love unashamedly. Walk innocently. Believe undoubtingly. Live powerfully.
Per usual, I loved Kelle's latest post, found here. Particularly the way they celebrated her husband's birthday by letting their older daughter wander a dollar store, picking out the things she was certain her daddy would love. Check out, especially, the birthday card she picked out! A friend and I who both read Kelle's blog were talking tonight about how reading makes us just want to head on down to Florida and spend a day with Kelle and her family, cuddling her daughters and laughing.
Your turn. What have you been reading lately (around the web, in book form, magazines, whatever!) that's inspiring you, challenging you, making you laugh?
My friends Ang and Kevin are in Angola. Ang works as a labor and delivery nurse when she's in Canada, but in Angola her nursing duties become so much broader still. Recently she wrote about an experience she had while scrubbing in on a c-section with an Angolan doctor (she often works with a Canadian doc who runs the clinic there). Her words about the attitude of the doctor and Angolan men about their wives struck me deeply as I paused to consider that last week I was receiving emails about the meeting of the G20 in Toronto, and the goal of gaining more dollars in aid for maternal health care. I think it's hard for that aid to be effective until we can also change the mindset that women are property. You can read Ang's story "The Ugliness of Inequality" here. I also loved this quote that they have on the sidebar of their blog, "If you've come here to help me, you're wasting your time. But if you've come because your liberation is bound up with mine, then let us work together." -- Australian Aboriginal Elder Lilla Watson
Kirsten wrote about sacred space, and creating that in her home. As someone with "altars" scattered all around my bedroom, and even spilling over in a small way to the study space I'm occupying at mom and dad's house these days, I loved her thoughts. Actually, these days I'm just rather enjoying following her blog in general, and have been quietly for quite some time.
I liked some of the thoughts that Kris Vallotton shared here. Particularly this bit: "Pray unceasingly. Give sacrificially. Dream unreasonably. Serve wholeheartedly. Love unashamedly. Walk innocently. Believe undoubtingly. Live powerfully.
Per usual, I loved Kelle's latest post, found here. Particularly the way they celebrated her husband's birthday by letting their older daughter wander a dollar store, picking out the things she was certain her daddy would love. Check out, especially, the birthday card she picked out! A friend and I who both read Kelle's blog were talking tonight about how reading makes us just want to head on down to Florida and spend a day with Kelle and her family, cuddling her daughters and laughing.
Your turn. What have you been reading lately (around the web, in book form, magazines, whatever!) that's inspiring you, challenging you, making you laugh?
Carrying Safety
I loved the apartment I lived in before I moved in with my Grandma.
I loved all the funny quirks like the tiny, nearly counterless kitchen, the smoke detector that was too close to the kitchen and overly sensitive. I loved the location of it, and the roommate I was living with (a dear friend). But what I really loved was the sense of peace there. It was peaceful, and it felt safe, and that, to, was a treasure.
I didn't realize it until I moved into Grandma's basement.
I didn't realize just how special that peace, that sense of safety, was, until it was suddenly gone, and I found myself facing some crazy family situations, personality conflict with my grandma, the quirks of living with someone who is nearly 81, and, oh, did I mention the incredibly dark spiritual atmosphere that I suddenly encountered in this house?
Within a week I was desperate and longing for that safety I'd loss.
Sleep had become non-existent thanks to nightmares and oddly demonic encounters.
I didn't have the refuge of a good friend to come home to and share what was going on inside me at the end of the day.
And I was letting the world (or at least those close to me in my world) know that I was less than pleased with this particular turn of events, especially since I believed (and believe) that God had led me to this place, to move into this home.
A dear friend of mine responded with a challenge I didn't really hear at the time. It took a few months of misery for the truth of her words to really sink in. She told me that safety isn't found in location, that it's found in a deep understanding of the presence of Christ with us, wherever we are. That it is something we can carry with us. And then, in a way that made her point sink in, she joking quoted a line from a pastor that we've both appreciated. A line that sort of annoys me in both it's truth and my own lack of sleep. The line goes like this, "You have authority over any storm you can sleep through," and is of course referring to Jesus sleeping in the boat in the midst of the storm, and then rising, bewildered at the disciples' panic, to speak calm to the storm.
I was caught in the midst of a storm, and I knew it. I definitely wasn't sleeping through it!
It's been a journey. For months now, as I've lived in this crazy set of life circumstances, I've felt God teaching me about finding safety in him alone. About the fact that because He never leaves me, I am safe wherever I go. About the fact that I can exercise authority over some of the storms in my life, simply by choosing to trust his words.
It's been a journey of learning to trust. I talked recently about the many changes in direction my life has taken in the last six months. I don't know that I would have been in a place to step with trust into the uncertainty of pursuing nursing without the lessons of riding out the storms.
And these days? These days, after a whole lot of praying, and anointing my bedroom with oil, and a whole lot of just ruthlessly ignoring and trusting, I'm sleeping through some of the storms. The nightmares have mostly receded. I'm thankful for that more than I can say. But mostly I'm thankful that I've learned and am learning that I can trust the risky, crazy, safety of Jesus, and that it goes with me, through all kinds of dark places and lovely places too.
I loved all the funny quirks like the tiny, nearly counterless kitchen, the smoke detector that was too close to the kitchen and overly sensitive. I loved the location of it, and the roommate I was living with (a dear friend). But what I really loved was the sense of peace there. It was peaceful, and it felt safe, and that, to, was a treasure.
I didn't realize it until I moved into Grandma's basement.
I didn't realize just how special that peace, that sense of safety, was, until it was suddenly gone, and I found myself facing some crazy family situations, personality conflict with my grandma, the quirks of living with someone who is nearly 81, and, oh, did I mention the incredibly dark spiritual atmosphere that I suddenly encountered in this house?
Within a week I was desperate and longing for that safety I'd loss.
Sleep had become non-existent thanks to nightmares and oddly demonic encounters.
I didn't have the refuge of a good friend to come home to and share what was going on inside me at the end of the day.
And I was letting the world (or at least those close to me in my world) know that I was less than pleased with this particular turn of events, especially since I believed (and believe) that God had led me to this place, to move into this home.
A dear friend of mine responded with a challenge I didn't really hear at the time. It took a few months of misery for the truth of her words to really sink in. She told me that safety isn't found in location, that it's found in a deep understanding of the presence of Christ with us, wherever we are. That it is something we can carry with us. And then, in a way that made her point sink in, she joking quoted a line from a pastor that we've both appreciated. A line that sort of annoys me in both it's truth and my own lack of sleep. The line goes like this, "You have authority over any storm you can sleep through," and is of course referring to Jesus sleeping in the boat in the midst of the storm, and then rising, bewildered at the disciples' panic, to speak calm to the storm.
I was caught in the midst of a storm, and I knew it. I definitely wasn't sleeping through it!
It's been a journey. For months now, as I've lived in this crazy set of life circumstances, I've felt God teaching me about finding safety in him alone. About the fact that because He never leaves me, I am safe wherever I go. About the fact that I can exercise authority over some of the storms in my life, simply by choosing to trust his words.
It's been a journey of learning to trust. I talked recently about the many changes in direction my life has taken in the last six months. I don't know that I would have been in a place to step with trust into the uncertainty of pursuing nursing without the lessons of riding out the storms.
And these days? These days, after a whole lot of praying, and anointing my bedroom with oil, and a whole lot of just ruthlessly ignoring and trusting, I'm sleeping through some of the storms. The nightmares have mostly receded. I'm thankful for that more than I can say. But mostly I'm thankful that I've learned and am learning that I can trust the risky, crazy, safety of Jesus, and that it goes with me, through all kinds of dark places and lovely places too.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 319
Today's Daily 5:
- Skype with L, my former roommate. She's hanging out in Scotland at the moment, and it was lovely to chat (and see!) with her for an hour or so today
- cookies!
- a mellow day, deep in thought, working through the bittersweet thing, but still peaceful
- watching Kim Walker-Smith teach about worship and reaping the fruit of putting in the time now online tonight. I'd planned something totally different for the evening, but it was a message I really needed to hear.
- laughing at various things through the day - at things from the teaching I watched online, and at various family things, and just generally funny comments from friends via email etc.
Bittersweet
If my thoughts are as random as the items on my desk right now, it's no wonder that I'm feeling a little bit scattered this morning. My desk has items ranging from cookbooks, a model of a human skull painted in bright colors, a birthday party invitation, and all the various ephemera that accompanies my current lifestyle as a full time student.
Come to think of it, my thoughts might be less random than that. They're fairly specific, actually.
I'm thinking about some people I met a few years back, in the midst of what would become the beginning of the most challenging and painful and questioning portion of my life. I'm thinking about how I've found facebook to be a fabulous way to connect and stay connected with the lives of friends, but how it can also be bittersweet. I looked at some photos this morning and my heart hurt a little as I thought of what was, and what I wished could have been. It's funny how those little twinges come at moments, even over two years later, how the heart hurts, even after things have moved on, and life has moved on.
As far as broken relationships go, I wonder sometimes if there isn't always going to be that thought of "maybe if I just reach out that one more time", even when there is the deep knowledge within me that what was will likely never be again.
I spent the weekend at my parent's house. And by that I mean that I slept here, too. I haven't been at Grandma's since Friday morning. It was a nice break. Not one that I'm likely to repeat really regularly, but a nice break. A needed one. And it let me do things like staying up late last night to watch a movie with mom and dad - to laugh, and then still have a place to sleep.
I went to dad's church yesterday morning and chatted with a variety of people. People who are always well-meaning and want to know what's going on with my life. Some who I was happy to share with, and some whom it would have been rude to rebuff. I haven't yet gotten used to answering the "are you still working at...?" question yet. And the myriad of questions that come with it when I respond with "no." It's weirder still to explain that right now I'm spending my days buried in textbooks, working towards admission to a nursing program. Because there are definitely questions that come with that as well. (It's also the reason there is a brightly painted model of a skull sitting on my desk today!)
I guess I'm feeling bittersweet today. Peaceful and bittersweet. Missing in some ways, the things that used to be, and looking forward to the things that are coming, and waiting, living in the present, and feeling what comes with each day - the joy and sorrows equally.
Come to think of it, my thoughts might be less random than that. They're fairly specific, actually.
I'm thinking about some people I met a few years back, in the midst of what would become the beginning of the most challenging and painful and questioning portion of my life. I'm thinking about how I've found facebook to be a fabulous way to connect and stay connected with the lives of friends, but how it can also be bittersweet. I looked at some photos this morning and my heart hurt a little as I thought of what was, and what I wished could have been. It's funny how those little twinges come at moments, even over two years later, how the heart hurts, even after things have moved on, and life has moved on.
As far as broken relationships go, I wonder sometimes if there isn't always going to be that thought of "maybe if I just reach out that one more time", even when there is the deep knowledge within me that what was will likely never be again.
I spent the weekend at my parent's house. And by that I mean that I slept here, too. I haven't been at Grandma's since Friday morning. It was a nice break. Not one that I'm likely to repeat really regularly, but a nice break. A needed one. And it let me do things like staying up late last night to watch a movie with mom and dad - to laugh, and then still have a place to sleep.
I went to dad's church yesterday morning and chatted with a variety of people. People who are always well-meaning and want to know what's going on with my life. Some who I was happy to share with, and some whom it would have been rude to rebuff. I haven't yet gotten used to answering the "are you still working at...?" question yet. And the myriad of questions that come with it when I respond with "no." It's weirder still to explain that right now I'm spending my days buried in textbooks, working towards admission to a nursing program. Because there are definitely questions that come with that as well. (It's also the reason there is a brightly painted model of a skull sitting on my desk today!)
I guess I'm feeling bittersweet today. Peaceful and bittersweet. Missing in some ways, the things that used to be, and looking forward to the things that are coming, and waiting, living in the present, and feeling what comes with each day - the joy and sorrows equally.
Daily 5 - Day 318
Today's Daily 5:
- Slept at mom and dad's last night and going to again tonight
- Peanut butter toast for breakfast, where the heat of the toast melts the peanut butter into a gooey, liquidy level of delicious
- quiet afternoon, just resting
- visiting with a relatively new friend at mom and dad's church this morning
- a full evening of extended family, and laughter
- watching an older movie "Shanghai Noon" that was filmed in and around the Calgary area, and laughing so hard at some of the lines
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Live Like It
I've been reading the Sermon on the Mount this week, in the Message, just for a change of pace. As I started through it yet again this morning, the following verse caught my attention:
"In a word, what I'm saying is, Grow up. You're kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you." (Matthew 5:48, The Message)
"In a word, what I'm saying is, Grow up. You're kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you." (Matthew 5:48, The Message)
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 317
Today's Daily 5:
- farmer's market with mom this morning
- home-made hummus from the farmer's market
- hanging out at Riley Park and the wading pool with A. and A. this afternoon
- Being outside in the sun a lot today
- time enjoying family and friends
Friday, June 25, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 316
Today's Daily 5:
- got an early start today - was nice to get some stuff done fairly early in the day
- spent the afternoon with my friend J. from high school. We are actually exactly the same day (we share a birthday!) and it was fun to catch up on the changes in both of our lives since we were last together (and there were quite a few!) and to just talk about life and the issues we're both working through
- falling asleep to and waking up to worship/teaching from a church in California that I love... I really think it's been useful and helpful in terms of sleeping more peacefully.
- loving my iphone, and playing games on it occasionally
- accomplished what was my goal, study wise, for the week
Thankful
The kind of week I've had this week, with it's crazy ups and downs, it's internal struggles causing distraction amidst the need for intense focus, reminds me to be thankful. To celebrate the little things. Things like:
- The fact that it's not even 11am on Friday morning and I've finished making all of the anatomy chapter notes that I set out to accomplish this week. There's lots of review left, but the notes are done.
- Hugging friends
- chocolate
- a hot shower in between bouts of studying - so thankful that my "office" these days is in mom and dad's basement and comes equipped with a shower and a yoga mat, and three meals a day, plus snacks, all for the low price of some chores around the house and cooking a few of those meals.
- little notes from friends and family that have brought smiles
- wearing comfy slippers
- playing simple games on the internet for a break or a distraction
- blogging friends
- favorite quotes.
- pumpkin cookies
- a day where focus comes more easily, and the distractions recede for a while
- falling asleep to and waking up to worship and preaching online from a church I love in California
- sunshine (finally!)
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 315
Today's Daily 5:
- popcorn with lots of butter
- house church - and watching (again for me, the first time for others) Rob Bell's "The God's Aren't Angry"
- it was just a "good" day, without some of the internal confusion that the last few days have held
- got lots of studying done, on track for where I want to be by the end of the week, and starting to really hit a groove for being productive.
- laughing with friends tonight over my "should have kept my mouth shut" moment from earlier in the week, and their shared stories of similar woes.
Sad to Read This
Some of you know that Peru is a nation that God has placed on my heart for a whole lot of reasons, and I tend to follow any international news headlines that come up from Peru fairly closely.
There was an article that I came across in the BBC news today that made me sad on several levels. On the level of someone who cares about the rights of indigenous people, and on the level of someone who prays for the country of Peru, and on the level of someone who cares in increasing amounts about environmental destruction and sees the refusal of the Peruvian president to sign this bill into law as an open door for destruction of the Peruvian amazon, clothed in the guise of "development."
Peru Leader Rejects Indigenous Land Rights Law
There was an article that I came across in the BBC news today that made me sad on several levels. On the level of someone who cares about the rights of indigenous people, and on the level of someone who prays for the country of Peru, and on the level of someone who cares in increasing amounts about environmental destruction and sees the refusal of the Peruvian president to sign this bill into law as an open door for destruction of the Peruvian amazon, clothed in the guise of "development."
Peru Leader Rejects Indigenous Land Rights Law
Steve Jobs' 2005 Stanford Commencement Address
I quite enjoyed this particular speech. Well worth the fifteen minutes to watch or listen.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
I am Hutterite by Mary Ann Kirkby
“I am Hutterite” by Mary-Ann Kirkby tells the story of the author’s early childhood in a reclusive Hutterite colony in Manitoba, and of the extraordinary transition necessary for her family when her parents chose to leave community life and everything they’d known behind for a life outside the colony.
This was a fascinating story. Perhaps because it appealed to the religious history geek in me – the person enthralled by groups like the Hutterites and Mennonites and Amish that emerged after the reformation. And perhaps simply because at each trip to the local farmer’s market I see Hutterites selling their farm goods (usually some of the nicest available) and I felt like this book opened up the closed world of the Hutterite colonies in a way that is both sympathetic and challenging. “I am Hutterite” presented a challenging perspective on life both within and without of a community of faith, and is well worth the read.
Disclaimer: “I am Hutterite” was provided to me free of charge via Thomas Nelson publisher’s booksneeze.com blogger review program. I was not compensated in any way for this review, nor compelled to write a positive review.
Daily 5 - Day 314
Today's Daily 5:
- thankful for praying friends
- peanut m & m's
- games on my iphone
- studying that went well today. even the stats went fairly smoothly, and I'm very much on track for where I want to be this week.
- really grateful for an evening that didn't require me to study at all. spent some time on the couch at mom and dad's after dinner, and crawled into bed as soon as I got home tonight, and put on a conference live online via a church in California that I really enjoy.
Healing: New Birth
I'm feeling distracted again, and internally focused.
Some stuff has come up in my internal life over the last week or two that is demanding some time and attention.
It's stuff I'd rather not deal with if I'm being honest. The kind of thing I wish would "just go away."
Healing, it seems, doesn't work like that all that often.
Yes, I had a miraculous experience of healing from depression, and it went, seemingly overnight (quite literally, in fact.)
But a lot of the time, it seems to be a process.
It's a process I've been thinking about a lot this week.
Because of the things going on inside of me.
Because I'm spending hours a day buried in a textbook, studying the intricacies of the body.
Because I'm remembering again various conversations about healing and a powerful dream about healing that I had.
Because I'm spending hours a day studying due to the desire birthed within me to take up nursing as a career. To spend my life aiding in healing - physically or spiritually, practically or miraculously.
Healing is a process.
And usually a messy one, if you think about it.
We use the metaphor, sometimes, of birth. "Something new is being birthed within" as you're being healed.
True.
But have you stopped to think about birth lately? It's not exactly a tidy and pain free process.
I've been hanging out with friends in nursing, and a friend who is a midwife, and friends who just simply have babies. Birth is a painful, scary, bloody process that results in new life.
I'm desiring new birth within some areas of my life and heart right now, and I'm terrified of the process and sometimes even making excuses to avoid facing the reality that this is a necessary process to walk through if I truly desire the freedom I say I do. I'm admitting some ugly realities out loud, and then watching as they echo around me and seem to take on size and life and strength of their own. And mostly, I want to cower in a corner, or stuff them back where they came from.
I don't particularly feel like facing the fight.
And yet, the distracted days I've been having this week are forcing me to come to terms with the fact that the messy, fighting, painful birthing within of healing might be the only way for something new to emerge.
And yep, I'm scared.
But I'm also forcibly choosing trust. To believe that if Jesus has led me to this place, he's going to stay and walk through it with me. That he'll hold my hand and somehow we're going to do this thing together. And I'll emerge freer, and more whole. And though the process scares me, I long for it's end results.
Some stuff has come up in my internal life over the last week or two that is demanding some time and attention.
It's stuff I'd rather not deal with if I'm being honest. The kind of thing I wish would "just go away."
Healing, it seems, doesn't work like that all that often.
Yes, I had a miraculous experience of healing from depression, and it went, seemingly overnight (quite literally, in fact.)
But a lot of the time, it seems to be a process.
It's a process I've been thinking about a lot this week.
Because of the things going on inside of me.
Because I'm spending hours a day buried in a textbook, studying the intricacies of the body.
Because I'm remembering again various conversations about healing and a powerful dream about healing that I had.
Because I'm spending hours a day studying due to the desire birthed within me to take up nursing as a career. To spend my life aiding in healing - physically or spiritually, practically or miraculously.
Healing is a process.
And usually a messy one, if you think about it.
We use the metaphor, sometimes, of birth. "Something new is being birthed within" as you're being healed.
True.
But have you stopped to think about birth lately? It's not exactly a tidy and pain free process.
I've been hanging out with friends in nursing, and a friend who is a midwife, and friends who just simply have babies. Birth is a painful, scary, bloody process that results in new life.
I'm desiring new birth within some areas of my life and heart right now, and I'm terrified of the process and sometimes even making excuses to avoid facing the reality that this is a necessary process to walk through if I truly desire the freedom I say I do. I'm admitting some ugly realities out loud, and then watching as they echo around me and seem to take on size and life and strength of their own. And mostly, I want to cower in a corner, or stuff them back where they came from.
I don't particularly feel like facing the fight.
And yet, the distracted days I've been having this week are forcing me to come to terms with the fact that the messy, fighting, painful birthing within of healing might be the only way for something new to emerge.
And yep, I'm scared.
But I'm also forcibly choosing trust. To believe that if Jesus has led me to this place, he's going to stay and walk through it with me. That he'll hold my hand and somehow we're going to do this thing together. And I'll emerge freer, and more whole. And though the process scares me, I long for it's end results.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 313
Today's Daily 5:
- beef stew and jasmine rice for supper
- took little breaks in studying to take a walk, and later to do yoga. it helped with focusing which was a definite challenge today.
- got through three stats sections, and part of a chapter of anatomy
- remembering to be thankful at moments I normally wouldn't
- choosing healthy snacks for study breaks, instead of filling my face with chocolate all day.
Oldest Image of Christ's Apostles Found
Have I mentioned recently that I loved the brief time I spent in Rome a couple years back? That the church historian in me could quite happily spend days and weeks and years there? That I had a number of profound experiences with God there, including experiencing Ash Wednesday mass in St. Peter's?
I liked Rome. A lot.
It made me smile, today, then, to see this headline in the BBC news about an ancient image of some of the apostles that was uncovered just recently in one of the catacombs in Rome. (The catacombs are definitely on my list for the next trip.)
I liked Rome. A lot.
It made me smile, today, then, to see this headline in the BBC news about an ancient image of some of the apostles that was uncovered just recently in one of the catacombs in Rome. (The catacombs are definitely on my list for the next trip.)
Having One of Those Days
I'm having one of those days...
The distracted kind.
The kind where the painful personal stuff on my mind looms far bigger than the stuff (school work, mostly) that I really need to be focusing on.
The kind where you know the personal stuff needs some attention, but you just don't know exactly what kind of attention to give it, or what the next step in giving it attention, and stepping towards healing, is.
The fact that I'm less than engaged with the studying I've been buried in this morning - statistics - isn't helping.
I am not a math person. Or at least not a "any math that involves more than basic addition or subtraction" kind of person.
And statistics requires formulas. Lots of them. I find myself constantly turning pages, knowing I should know what that letter in the formula represents, and that the problem contains the value to fill that letter in. But I just can't remember what the letter is.
It's going to be a very good thing that you can bring a double-sided sheet of notes and formulas into the exams for this class. It's really my only hope.
And so, I'm off to give the personal a little attention. I'll walk to the mailbox to mail a letter, and pause to just listen and pray. I want to walk before the threatening thunder shower comes.
And hopefully, if I pause to pray and listen, the personal stuff will feel quieted, and I can focus.
Because I have many hours of studying ahead today. And then a couple hours of a leadership training course tonight.
And distracted and discombobulated doesn't work well for either of those pursuits.
The distracted kind.
The kind where the painful personal stuff on my mind looms far bigger than the stuff (school work, mostly) that I really need to be focusing on.
The kind where you know the personal stuff needs some attention, but you just don't know exactly what kind of attention to give it, or what the next step in giving it attention, and stepping towards healing, is.
The fact that I'm less than engaged with the studying I've been buried in this morning - statistics - isn't helping.
I am not a math person. Or at least not a "any math that involves more than basic addition or subtraction" kind of person.
And statistics requires formulas. Lots of them. I find myself constantly turning pages, knowing I should know what that letter in the formula represents, and that the problem contains the value to fill that letter in. But I just can't remember what the letter is.
It's going to be a very good thing that you can bring a double-sided sheet of notes and formulas into the exams for this class. It's really my only hope.
And so, I'm off to give the personal a little attention. I'll walk to the mailbox to mail a letter, and pause to just listen and pray. I want to walk before the threatening thunder shower comes.
And hopefully, if I pause to pray and listen, the personal stuff will feel quieted, and I can focus.
Because I have many hours of studying ahead today. And then a couple hours of a leadership training course tonight.
And distracted and discombobulated doesn't work well for either of those pursuits.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 312
Today's Daily 5:
- Lunch with a very good friend and her husband who live on the other side of the country
- Confirmation of the news that said friend and husband will be moving back to Calgary come September
- Proud of myself. Was having a really hard time with a statistics equation, and starting to get frustrated, but managed to calm down and figure out where the answer was coming from. And realized that for me to be really successful at this (numbers are so NOT my thing!) I'll need to make careful notes of the formulas and what each term in the formula is on the study sheet I can take into exams.
- I was invited this morning to take part in a focus group tonight via an online research panel that I've been a part of. So, I headed downtown to the office, discussed some kind of interesting stuff about the city, with some interesting people, and made $75 for two hours of my time. Sweet deal, and any little bit of income is a blessing right now.
- Mom offered me a ride home to grandma's tonight, and that was welcome too, though I've got the bus route and timing to and from mom and dad's and grandma's down pretty well.
- Laughing at a few of the responses I got to the piece I posted this morning about speaking my mind when it definitely would have been a better idea to remain silent.
I Should Have Kept My Mouth Shut!
You know those moments, the ones where you realize just a few seconds too late, that it was definitely a bad idea to say that, whatever that is? I had one recently.
Mine was the sort of epic fail that makes pastor's kids or other children of people in some sort of public life the world over cringe in sympathy.
It involved a church lady.
Not just any church lady, but that one. You know, the one who wears the skirt where the waist sits just a little bit too high, the skirt that reaches quite properly to just below the knee, with the button down blouse tucked into it. She always has pantyhose on. And pumps. But she doesn't like the clicking noise that the pumps make on the wooden floor of the gym, so she kind of tiptoes around - sort of like she's creeping up on you. (I do an excellent impression of this tiptoeing, and I'd be happy to share with you all in person sometime.) She's the one who is very well meaning, but incredibly nosy. The one who is an administrator (that's the nice "Christian" word for "control freak," right?) The one that doesn't hear "no" very often, mostly because she's a fan of either guilt or "voluntelling" - whatever works.
There is one of these ladies in my life. This particular one has made me cringe since, well, childhood, for all of the reasons listed above, magnified by the fact that my father is her pastor.
Every time I have a conversation with her (and these days, they're thankfully rare), I forget that it's probably not wise to be my usual bluntly honest self, and my mental filters kick in just a moment too late.
The last time it happened was about two weeks back.
It started innocuously. I got the usual "It's so good to see you here, Lisa." (I get that a lot when I visit my dad's church. It's part of the deal when you're the pastor's kid. It's an even bigger part of the deal when you're the only child of said pastor to have decided to find a spiritual home someplace other than the church your dad pastor's.) Outloud I returned some sort of pleasantry. In my head, I was reminding myself that this was not a guilt trip comment (even though it often feels like one). I was telling myself that this lady was trying to be genuinely nice, and that I needed to receive it that way, whatever my issues were.
Perhaps I should stop having conversations with myself when busy having a conversation with people with whom many years of experience have taught the neccessity of careful filtering of all comments made aloud.
Because, you see, she wasn't done. The "what are you doing now" nosyness had kicked in.
"Are you still living with your grandma?"
(for you to appreciate the full magnitude of what was to come, you should know that my grandma rather proudly attends this church, is sort of buddy-buddy with this particular person, and had, based on the number of questions I got from her buddies, clearly told all of her friends how delighted she was that I was moving into her basement, back when I was moving into her basement.)
"yes, I'm still living there."
"And do you like it?"
"No, I hate it."
Less than a second after those words came out of my mouth, that internal voice was screaming at me, not just chiding. "Lisa Christine! What did you just say??? And to who did you say it? What were you thinking? Look at her face!"
Her face was slightly stunned and then highly disappointed.
Her recovery was quick though, and prying, "Oh! I thought it would be such a good arrangement!"
A pause.
A painful, life flashing before my eyes, I'm twelve again and going to get in trouble for this, pause.
"You just prefer living on your own?"
"Mmm..."
You see, my filters had kicked in. Mono-syllables, no real words. Always the best bet.
The worst part is, experience has taught me that this particular church lady is the sort who would quite possibly go straight to my parents with her disappointed concern.
And that left me only one option.
Confession.
To both of my parents, in various conversations through the afternoon.
Just in case some damage control needed to be done.
(I don't think it has, by the way).
My parents know the lady, and were sympathetic, and laughed at my description of my conversational gaffe.
But I have thought of it many times in the following weeks.
I prefer a policy of honesty, all the time, often a bit blunt.
In that case, though, it would have been so much better, for everyone involved, if I had just kept my mouth shut!
Mine was the sort of epic fail that makes pastor's kids or other children of people in some sort of public life the world over cringe in sympathy.
It involved a church lady.
Not just any church lady, but that one. You know, the one who wears the skirt where the waist sits just a little bit too high, the skirt that reaches quite properly to just below the knee, with the button down blouse tucked into it. She always has pantyhose on. And pumps. But she doesn't like the clicking noise that the pumps make on the wooden floor of the gym, so she kind of tiptoes around - sort of like she's creeping up on you. (I do an excellent impression of this tiptoeing, and I'd be happy to share with you all in person sometime.) She's the one who is very well meaning, but incredibly nosy. The one who is an administrator (that's the nice "Christian" word for "control freak," right?) The one that doesn't hear "no" very often, mostly because she's a fan of either guilt or "voluntelling" - whatever works.
There is one of these ladies in my life. This particular one has made me cringe since, well, childhood, for all of the reasons listed above, magnified by the fact that my father is her pastor.
Every time I have a conversation with her (and these days, they're thankfully rare), I forget that it's probably not wise to be my usual bluntly honest self, and my mental filters kick in just a moment too late.
The last time it happened was about two weeks back.
It started innocuously. I got the usual "It's so good to see you here, Lisa." (I get that a lot when I visit my dad's church. It's part of the deal when you're the pastor's kid. It's an even bigger part of the deal when you're the only child of said pastor to have decided to find a spiritual home someplace other than the church your dad pastor's.) Outloud I returned some sort of pleasantry. In my head, I was reminding myself that this was not a guilt trip comment (even though it often feels like one). I was telling myself that this lady was trying to be genuinely nice, and that I needed to receive it that way, whatever my issues were.
Perhaps I should stop having conversations with myself when busy having a conversation with people with whom many years of experience have taught the neccessity of careful filtering of all comments made aloud.
Because, you see, she wasn't done. The "what are you doing now" nosyness had kicked in.
"Are you still living with your grandma?"
(for you to appreciate the full magnitude of what was to come, you should know that my grandma rather proudly attends this church, is sort of buddy-buddy with this particular person, and had, based on the number of questions I got from her buddies, clearly told all of her friends how delighted she was that I was moving into her basement, back when I was moving into her basement.)
"yes, I'm still living there."
"And do you like it?"
"No, I hate it."
Less than a second after those words came out of my mouth, that internal voice was screaming at me, not just chiding. "Lisa Christine! What did you just say??? And to who did you say it? What were you thinking? Look at her face!"
Her face was slightly stunned and then highly disappointed.
Her recovery was quick though, and prying, "Oh! I thought it would be such a good arrangement!"
A pause.
A painful, life flashing before my eyes, I'm twelve again and going to get in trouble for this, pause.
"You just prefer living on your own?"
"Mmm..."
You see, my filters had kicked in. Mono-syllables, no real words. Always the best bet.
The worst part is, experience has taught me that this particular church lady is the sort who would quite possibly go straight to my parents with her disappointed concern.
And that left me only one option.
Confession.
To both of my parents, in various conversations through the afternoon.
Just in case some damage control needed to be done.
(I don't think it has, by the way).
My parents know the lady, and were sympathetic, and laughed at my description of my conversational gaffe.
But I have thought of it many times in the following weeks.
I prefer a policy of honesty, all the time, often a bit blunt.
In that case, though, it would have been so much better, for everyone involved, if I had just kept my mouth shut!
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 311
Today's Daily 5:
- A day of rest. I declared today off limits for any studying, and really anything but basically resting and enjoying family.
- Dozing on the couch, "watching" golf and soccer with dad and my brother J. this afternoon.
- worked outside in the sun - we finally had some. I did a whole bunch of weeding for mom.
- family supper for father's day, and a few rounds of bocce ball with dad and the boys
- I spent the whole morning in bed, just reading and resting. I think I stayed in bed until almost noon, and it was wonderful.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 310
Today's daily 5:
- actually made the progress I was hoping for in anatomy. stats is a slightly different matter, but I'm so thankful that anatomy is now getting less boring, and is becoming easier to retain. I was fascinated by some of what I studied today, and it was just a chapter on skin.
- studying anatomy (even the boring bits) is reminding me of the passages that talk about God knitting us together in our mother's womb, and about being "fearfully and wonderfully made".
- chocolate at just the right moments
- there was finally some sunshine, and I even managed to sit in it for a little while and read a novel.
- girl talk, and things that made me laugh on a day where I felt very internally discombobulated and was struggling with some of the stuff God is doing in my life.
- good news from a dear friend about a forthcoming little person - can't wait to see and hug the momma to be in person next week!
My Spell-Checker Hates Me
The spell-checker built into Microsoft Word was clearly not designed by biologists.
It's having heart attacks over my word useage as I spend hours a day sitting and typing anatomy notes.
The pages are full of words marked with that annoying jagged red underline.
On the other hand, that annoying underline does make me double-check the spelling of the word that I've copied directly from my textbook.
But the spell checker? It hates me just presently.
It's having heart attacks over my word useage as I spend hours a day sitting and typing anatomy notes.
The pages are full of words marked with that annoying jagged red underline.
On the other hand, that annoying underline does make me double-check the spelling of the word that I've copied directly from my textbook.
But the spell checker? It hates me just presently.
Some Good Thoughts on Church History
I'm a fan of Carolyn Arends, and I became a bigger fan when I read her most recent article for Christianity Today magazine, detailing how church history gives context to our faith. It's no secret that I'm a history geek, and this article is worth spending a few minutes to read.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 309
The daily 5 started 309 days ago. For those of you who are newer here, you can find my initial introduction to the concept here. But the long and the short of it is this: I was needing to find ways to truly choose joy in my life, and one of the ways I came up with was to make a list of 5 items (these days it can be any number as long as there at least 5) that I was either thankful for, or that had brought a smile to my face that day. When I started, 5 was a huge number to attain. Some days it still feels huge. Other days it's no big deal to list 10 or more.
In any case, I've been doing this for what is now approaching a year, and it's made a difference. I watch for things in my day that bring smiles. I find myself making mental notes of simple, lovely things I notice as I traipse around the city on the trains and buses and on foot. It's made a difference in reminding me to continually choose joy. It's an ongoing journey. I'm still not, by nature a hugely positive person. But my heart is changing and being shaped and formed in this simple little daily discipline, and so I show up here each night and make a list.
And, without further ado, here's today's daily 5:
In any case, I've been doing this for what is now approaching a year, and it's made a difference. I watch for things in my day that bring smiles. I find myself making mental notes of simple, lovely things I notice as I traipse around the city on the trains and buses and on foot. It's made a difference in reminding me to continually choose joy. It's an ongoing journey. I'm still not, by nature a hugely positive person. But my heart is changing and being shaped and formed in this simple little daily discipline, and so I show up here each night and make a list.
And, without further ado, here's today's daily 5:
- 309 days of making these lists. (I like numbers that end in nine!)
- burgers for supper with dad from my favorite hamburger place (and on a 2 for 1 deal to boot!)
- figuring out just the right way to wrap myself in a thick blanket in my basement study space so that I'm actually warm, but the blanket isn't impeding my movement and making the studying more of a pain.
- getting through the chapter of the anatomy text book that seemed never-ending and moving into one that assured me that this process is going to move faster and be more interesting now that that one highly specific (and incredibly boring) chapter is out of the way.
- a box of chocolates that was a sweet (literally and figuratively) thank you gift from a friend
- actually managing to check some stuff off of my personal "to do" list (this week has been a bit consumed with studying, and the rest of my life was getting slightly neglected)
- feeling good about the fact that I'm managing to really discipline myself to study at length.
- chocolate
- amazed at how I'm adapting to and enjoying really challenging my brain again... apparently all those jokes I've made about happily being a career student if there was only money for it are true!
- interacting with blogging friends, new and old. I love that I've made and am making some friends via this medium. I love that I can show up here and share whatever is on my heart, and somebody somewhere stops in to see what I've been up to, and that I can stop in at their spaces and see what's going on in their minds and hearts as well.
A Slight Gripe
One of the two courses I'm taking this summer is statistics.
Let me say first that I have never particularly liked math. In fact, I have mostly had a rather hateful relationship with said subject.
And statistics is reminding me why. Words that make perfect sense in everyday life take on an extra head and a totally different meaning in math.
For example, one sort of graph that I was reading about in the stats textbook today instructed me that it was a curve. Okay, got a mental image of a curve? Well, think again. Apparently, this is a "curve" which is drawn by connecting various points with straight lines. There is no curvature whatsoever.
That said, having read and reacted to those ridiculous instructions, I'm probably not going to forget that you draw an ogive by connecting dots with straight lines, thus forming a "curve."
Let me say first that I have never particularly liked math. In fact, I have mostly had a rather hateful relationship with said subject.
And statistics is reminding me why. Words that make perfect sense in everyday life take on an extra head and a totally different meaning in math.
For example, one sort of graph that I was reading about in the stats textbook today instructed me that it was a curve. Okay, got a mental image of a curve? Well, think again. Apparently, this is a "curve" which is drawn by connecting various points with straight lines. There is no curvature whatsoever.
That said, having read and reacted to those ridiculous instructions, I'm probably not going to forget that you draw an ogive by connecting dots with straight lines, thus forming a "curve."
A Quote on Trust
A couple of nights ago in my daily 5, I linked to a few posts on trust.
A dear friend gave me a perpetual calendar a little over a year ago, with a different quote each day from a female saint. I love the calendar, and it has often been timely in the words of wisdom it has offered.
Today's quote deals with trust, and struck me as I journey right now, with only a very few plans, but very uncertain outcomes. It reads:
"Dear Lord, I do not ask to see the path. In darkness, in anguish, and in fear, I will hang on tightly to your hand, and I will close my eyes, so that you know how much trust I place in you, Spouse of my soul." (Blessed Maria Elizabetta Hesselblad)
A dear friend gave me a perpetual calendar a little over a year ago, with a different quote each day from a female saint. I love the calendar, and it has often been timely in the words of wisdom it has offered.
Today's quote deals with trust, and struck me as I journey right now, with only a very few plans, but very uncertain outcomes. It reads:
"Dear Lord, I do not ask to see the path. In darkness, in anguish, and in fear, I will hang on tightly to your hand, and I will close my eyes, so that you know how much trust I place in you, Spouse of my soul." (Blessed Maria Elizabetta Hesselblad)
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 308
Today's Daily 5:
- hugging a baby through most of house church
- encouragement from friends as I pursue this crazy, sudden journey of studying
- rooibos tea
- magic bags
- a novel to read and take a few minutes away from studying and relax
- home-made brownies at house church
- nachos, and baby cucumbers dipped in baba ganouj for lunch
- having a place other than grandma's to study at
- offers of help from knowledgeable friends for if I get stuck on various study topics
- finding a book I'd been talking about with a friend at a used bookshop today unexpectedly, for an affordable price, so I can send her a copy.
Rainy Thursday
It's raining. Again.
It's done so every day this week, and the forecast isn't particularly bright.
I'm wrapped in a blanket again, sitting in my corner of the basement.
It feels as if it has been weeks since there was sunshine. I think it's only been four days, but it feels like weeks.
I'm fondly remembering moments from other places and times. Moments full of laughter and joy and hope and peace. Full of family and friends that are really family. Full of sunlight.
I'm learning to, that some things just haven't changed since high school.
The same units I found boring in biology then are the ones I'm finding boring now.
I spent most of the day yesterday reading about the chemical level of organization, and making notes. Today is the cellular level of organization. I found them boring in high school, and they're still boring now.
I did, however, manage to get two sections of statistics out of the way already this morning, and that pleases me greatly.
So, I'm sitting here with magic bags and a blanket, listening to the rain hit the ground outside the window above my head.
And I'm off to read about cells.
Wishing you a lovely Thursday, and hoping at least some of you are enjoying sunlight!
It's done so every day this week, and the forecast isn't particularly bright.
I'm wrapped in a blanket again, sitting in my corner of the basement.
It feels as if it has been weeks since there was sunshine. I think it's only been four days, but it feels like weeks.
I'm fondly remembering moments from other places and times. Moments full of laughter and joy and hope and peace. Full of family and friends that are really family. Full of sunlight.
I'm learning to, that some things just haven't changed since high school.
The same units I found boring in biology then are the ones I'm finding boring now.
I spent most of the day yesterday reading about the chemical level of organization, and making notes. Today is the cellular level of organization. I found them boring in high school, and they're still boring now.
I did, however, manage to get two sections of statistics out of the way already this morning, and that pleases me greatly.
So, I'm sitting here with magic bags and a blanket, listening to the rain hit the ground outside the window above my head.
And I'm off to read about cells.
Wishing you a lovely Thursday, and hoping at least some of you are enjoying sunlight!
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 307
Today's Daily 5:
- These two posts, here, and here (read them in that order) about trust on Kirsten's blog. I've been quietly enjoying her blog for a while (loved the series about becoming Catholic for so many reasons), but particularly enjoyed reflecting on these latest two posts, especially given my own journey these last several years. In fact, I think I'll have to find time to write a post on trust one of these days.
- A mug of lemon-mango tea as I studied in the cold basement today.
- The memory of a lovely, special, sunny day by Lake Huron with a dear friend a few weeks back. I'm savoring memories of sun right now, since we've had almost two weeks of rain, and it poured again today.
- kit-kat bars
- butter chicken for supper. I'm learning to like curry! Maybe India (a place I've dreamed of traveling to) really will be doable someday!
Study Space
I have spent the day (since about 9:30 or so this morning) sitting here:
This is it. My study space in mom and dad's basement. (I've also spent a large portion of today wrapped in a thick blanket, since it's rainy and cold here, and the basement is therefore quite chilly.)
This sign used to sit in my office. It seems more appropriate hanging here, where I see it every time I look up from my textbooks and have to smile. Because my dreams came suddenly and unexpectedly, when I was ejected from the office that the sign used to sit in.
Curly Girl Designs put out a mini-calendar, and I ordered it at the beginning of this year, because I love the artwork it contains. I smiled when I pulled it out of the box of things I brought from my office and turned to the month of June. It reads, "She packed up her potential and all she had learned, grabbed a cute pair of shoes and headed out to change a few things." The smaller print reads, "Her heart glowed with a degree of happy assurance." I find it so funny, these little, odd timing things. These moments where it somehow seems perfect that this would be a quote for the month in which I make some life direction altering decisions.
Here you can see the calendar, with a couple of gifts from a dear friend. The cross reads "Hope" in the centre, and the book is a Catholic prayer book, an antique one, in Spanish. A gift from a friend who knows my heart deeply, knows my dreams of South America, and each time I pick it up, cradle it, read a prayer within it, my heart leaps and prays and dreams of things to come.
And these? These are the textbooks consuming my time at the moment. Just in front of them, where you can't see it, is a notepad, also emblazoned with the word "hope". A gift from a different friend, and my way of tracking the many things that must be done each day and week.
I've sat here all day, covering material that is sometimes fascinating, and sometimes incredibly boring. I've sipped tea and eaten lunch and checked emails. And I've studied. A lot. In the moments when I forget why this seemed like a good plan, to spend my days in a basement, reading and making notes, forcefully stuffing huge amounts of information into my brain in a short amount of time, I pause and re-read my own words here, or the comments so many sent me there, or by email, and I am reminded that though duckless, I am learning trust, and that I feel a deep peace, and that this is a step towards God's leading.
And somehow, that makes long days wrapped in a heavy blanket, cramming knowledge into my head, so much more doable.
I've sat here all day, covering material that is sometimes fascinating, and sometimes incredibly boring. I've sipped tea and eaten lunch and checked emails. And I've studied. A lot. In the moments when I forget why this seemed like a good plan, to spend my days in a basement, reading and making notes, forcefully stuffing huge amounts of information into my brain in a short amount of time, I pause and re-read my own words here, or the comments so many sent me there, or by email, and I am reminded that though duckless, I am learning trust, and that I feel a deep peace, and that this is a step towards God's leading.
And somehow, that makes long days wrapped in a heavy blanket, cramming knowledge into my head, so much more doable.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 306
(I just finished another post, so if you haven't seen that one, scroll down when you're finished with this one...)
Today's Daily 5:
Today's Daily 5:
- Hanging out at the zoo with F. and baby A.
- A peacock with it's tail feathers up - don't see that very often
- laughing at a lion with F.
- really diving into studying, starting to feel that "learning groove" that I love come back to me
- knowing that I have a "secret stash" of mini almond joy bars from my recent trip through the states tucked away where I can find them when I really need a study boost
- a ride home from mom and dad's tonight, instead of the bus or walking through the rain
- still loving my iphone
- got some great photos today, using dad's very nice digital SLR
- learning the clear difference in definitions between anatomy and physiology (never really thought about the difference before today, but anatomy refers to structure, and physiology to function.)
- loving having a schedule right now that fits my sleep schedule better. can stay up a bit later at night and sleep a bit later in the mornings
- fun emails from a few different friends today (and if you're one of them, the responses are coming tomorrow!)
Full Day
It was a full sort of day, and I'm just stopping in to tell you that. Tomorrow, I have plans to write at least one longer post. With pictures. I haven't had pictures in a while.
Today was full of a visit to the zoo with a friend and her daughter. Baby smiles, and mutually enjoyed sarcasm. Lunch, avoiding the rain, lots of animals, and a lion who was a little bit excited (leading to more mutually enjoyed sarcasm.)
Then back to my established study corner in mom and dad's basement, and a reality check. Studying. Lots of it. That really needs to be my life this summer. And I think really seriously opening the book for the first time brought home just how much time it's going to eat up. Which, I'm totally okay with. And, seeing the time some things took today, means I'm motivated to put in fairly full days with the textbooks for the next two or three days at least.
Dinner, a bit more studying, and then I attended the first session of a 7 week course in Christian Leadership principles that my dad is teaching. I was debating adding that to my life at the moment, but I think I'll stick it out. I'm pretty sure the material will be very good and useful in the long run of life.
So, with that, I'm going to write a daily 5, conveniently ignore some emails that I really should respond to tonight, but just don't have the brain cells for, and head for sleep. Tomorrow needs to start early, and be a full day of a different sort.
Today was full of a visit to the zoo with a friend and her daughter. Baby smiles, and mutually enjoyed sarcasm. Lunch, avoiding the rain, lots of animals, and a lion who was a little bit excited (leading to more mutually enjoyed sarcasm.)
Then back to my established study corner in mom and dad's basement, and a reality check. Studying. Lots of it. That really needs to be my life this summer. And I think really seriously opening the book for the first time brought home just how much time it's going to eat up. Which, I'm totally okay with. And, seeing the time some things took today, means I'm motivated to put in fairly full days with the textbooks for the next two or three days at least.
Dinner, a bit more studying, and then I attended the first session of a 7 week course in Christian Leadership principles that my dad is teaching. I was debating adding that to my life at the moment, but I think I'll stick it out. I'm pretty sure the material will be very good and useful in the long run of life.
So, with that, I'm going to write a daily 5, conveniently ignore some emails that I really should respond to tonight, but just don't have the brain cells for, and head for sleep. Tomorrow needs to start early, and be a full day of a different sort.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 305
Today's Daily 5:
- Reading a novel
- Coffee with a long-time friend
- setting up a study schedule and study area
- steak and potatoes and corn on the cob for supper at mom and dad's
- pretty smelling potpourri sachets tucked under the pillows of my bed that were a gift from a dear friend and remind me of her when their scent rises on the air.
Happy Thoughts
My heart is joyful this morning, and I'm thinking about and reveling in simple pleasures.
Things like:
Things like:
- wearing clean pajamas, and sleeping in my own bed, with my own pillows, after nearly a month away. I may not like my living situation at all right now, but it was so nice to be in my own bed.
- being thankful for a peaceful night's sleep
- the simple comfort of a basic white t-shirt and blue jeans
- feet that don't hurt because I actually sprung for decent walking shoes
- setting up a space to study in my parent's basement. they offered me a desk in a well-lit corner and I gladly accepted.
- seeing friends step up to meet some specific needs - really trying to serve.
- catching the bus just on time
- the smell of freshly cut grass (even if I am totally allergic to it, and it makes me sneeze - it just smells lovely)
- doing laundry at mom and dad's house in their high efficiency machines, and knowing that no one is looking over my shoulder to see how long it takes, or how quickly I transfer it from the washer to the dryer, or how much water I used
- tea
- quotes on a couple of calendars I pulled out this morning that made me smile hugely
- falling asleep last night with great worship and preaching from a favorite church (broadcast via the internet) playing over me
- waking early to make a necessary phone call, and then drifting back to sleep for an hour or two more of dozy rest
- kit-kat bars
- this incredible feeling of open doors in front of me, as today I embark on a whole new adventure starting today. As I dive into studying and new dreams.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 304
Today's Daily 5:
- Sharing a bit more broadly the new direction my life is taking as I prepare to start studying tomorrow.
- still loving the Jeff Deyo worship song that I posted earlier in the week
- Encouragement and prayers and feedback from a variety of friends as I move forward
- end of the house-sitting gig, which means back to Grandma's tonight. I'm not excited or smiling about the back to grandma's thing, but I'm thankful that I've actually only had to stay there one night in the last four weeks. The break has been really helpful for my sanity.
- quiet moments, reading, writing, praying, reflecting as I wrote the update that I posted earlier. I find it helpful at moments like this to pause and really notice the things God has been doing in my life.
A Change in Direction
So, I've been hinting all week that there was a change in direction coming in my life, and I'm finally ready to make it broadly public. I wrote the following update email for a number of friends who support me in prayer, and I'm posting it here as well, for those of you who have also become friends along the journey, and because it's a new and major thing in my life.
~~~
Hi Friends!
Tomorrow marks 4 weeks since I lost my job, and it feels a bit of an understatement to say that they have been surprising and powerful weeks.
When I last wrote to many of you, I had just lost the job and was heading out on an unexpected road trip across the continent with my dad. During the course of that trip (which, by the way, was a blessing in terms of time with my dad, but also just quiet time to rest and be restored), we stopped at a fabulous bookstore in Michigan that is connected to a few of the large Christian publishing houses and sells slightly damaged books that can't be shipped to stores at extremely discounted prices. (Just as an aside, I really think that heaven will look and smell like a bookstore!)
While at this store, I purchased a book with the title, "The Echo Within", written by a man named Robert Benson, whose books have had a profound influence on my life in the last year or two. I spent many of the remaining hours of our trip reading through this little book, written on the topic of discerning the calling voice of God in one's life. It seemed a timely topic given my state of unemployment and the open ended question of, "what comes next?"
One passage in particular stood out as I read (though if you ever page through my copy of the book, you'll find I've marked many, many passages.) In this passage, though, Benson writes:
I like my ducks in a row. I like my t's crossed and my i's dotted. I like, as the old revival song says, my old accounts to be settled. I like for things to go the way we drew them up on the blackboard, to go according to plan, to be right on the money.
These are things I have to be careful about when I am trying to listen for the calling voice of God. God does not seem to be particularly interested in whether or not my ducks stay in line. (Benson, pg. 141)
I read that passage and had to laugh. I am the sort of person that Benson is describing himself to be in that first paragraph. I like my ducks in line, and, as I read this passage, all I could think was, "I don't have any ducks left!"
Let me explain quickly. I am referring to "ducks" in the sense that all of the sorts of physical, "I've made plans and have my life in order," stuff of life that I counted on has changed. The first half of 2010 has been full of challenges, and I've seen the seeming crumbling of everything in life that I had counted on as firm and fixed. Just briefly, these are among the major changes and events that have shaped the first six months of this year:
And, in that place of (admittedly somewhat forced and desperate!) praying and listening, one idea began to stand out. Since I was a child, the books and television shows that have been my favorite have always been the ones with overtly medical themes. As I talked with trusted friends, and listened and prayed, I was reminded of that enjoyment, and a career that had always been a passing thought quickly became the thought that just WOULD NOT go away. It's a rather difficult thought process to explain, because so much of it was deeply internal, but I have a deep peace as I tell you that I've decided to pursue a degree and a career in nursing.
There are some very practical ramifications of that decision. The University of Calgary offers a two year route to obtaining a bachelor's of nursing and R.N. designation for students who already hold a university bachelor's degree. The next entry into this program is in January 2011. However, there are some necessary pre-requisite courses for this program that I did not take during the course of my undergraduate degree (somehow you just don't tend to study anatomy and physiology or statistics in a degree focusing on European church history, and, while the suggestion of a friend that I tell the nursing program that I'd studied the "Body of Christ" made me laugh and continues to make me laugh, I didn't think the nursing admissions people would go for it!). These pre-requisite classes must be completed by the end of August. What that means is that in the next two months, I need to complete an anatomy and physiology course that is normally taught over 8 months, and a statistics course that is normally taught over 4 months. Both courses will be done via distance learning, and I consulted with the professor who wrote the anatomy course, who assured me that it would be possible to finish the course in this accelerated fashion, though it will be time consuming. On a practical level, this means that my plan to seek full-time employment beginning immediately has been set aside. I will be looking for a part-time job, just to have a bit of income coming in, and will be studying full-time until September.
I'm incredibly excited at this sudden new direction my life is taking, and would ask for you to continue to pray for me as I try to be diligent and disciplined in my studies over the next two months or so. It will be a busy season, and my desire is to really excel as I study. Please pray, too, that an appropriate part-time job would present itself, so that I would have at least a small source of income. Pray for me to continue to be sensitive to God's calling voice in the midst of this new season. (Ideally, I'd like in future for it not to take my whole life coming to a halt for me to really make time to pause and listen for that calling!)
I'll be honest in saying that while I have grieved the loss of a job that had provided well for me over a long period of time, I have come to truly see God's leading and provision and blessing in the midst of what has been a very unsettling time. Health wise,, I'm realizing that my job had carried with it a much larger burden of stress and fatigue than I was aware of, and I've felt healthier and more rested in the last four weeks than I have in several years.
More than that, though, while my circumstances seem entirely discombobulated (admittedly a challenge for a person who likes their ducks in a row!), I sense the presence and leading of Jesus in a way that is deep and profound and that I can't quite find words to really describe. I know a deep peace and joy as I look toward the future, despite the uncertainties that still seem to exist, and for that I'm deeply thankful.
This note is long, and I'm going to close here. As always, I'd love to hear from each of you and know how I can be praying specifically for you.
With much love,
Lisa
~~~
Hi Friends!
Tomorrow marks 4 weeks since I lost my job, and it feels a bit of an understatement to say that they have been surprising and powerful weeks.
When I last wrote to many of you, I had just lost the job and was heading out on an unexpected road trip across the continent with my dad. During the course of that trip (which, by the way, was a blessing in terms of time with my dad, but also just quiet time to rest and be restored), we stopped at a fabulous bookstore in Michigan that is connected to a few of the large Christian publishing houses and sells slightly damaged books that can't be shipped to stores at extremely discounted prices. (Just as an aside, I really think that heaven will look and smell like a bookstore!)
While at this store, I purchased a book with the title, "The Echo Within", written by a man named Robert Benson, whose books have had a profound influence on my life in the last year or two. I spent many of the remaining hours of our trip reading through this little book, written on the topic of discerning the calling voice of God in one's life. It seemed a timely topic given my state of unemployment and the open ended question of, "what comes next?"
One passage in particular stood out as I read (though if you ever page through my copy of the book, you'll find I've marked many, many passages.) In this passage, though, Benson writes:
I like my ducks in a row. I like my t's crossed and my i's dotted. I like, as the old revival song says, my old accounts to be settled. I like for things to go the way we drew them up on the blackboard, to go according to plan, to be right on the money.
These are things I have to be careful about when I am trying to listen for the calling voice of God. God does not seem to be particularly interested in whether or not my ducks stay in line. (Benson, pg. 141)
I read that passage and had to laugh. I am the sort of person that Benson is describing himself to be in that first paragraph. I like my ducks in line, and, as I read this passage, all I could think was, "I don't have any ducks left!"
Let me explain quickly. I am referring to "ducks" in the sense that all of the sorts of physical, "I've made plans and have my life in order," stuff of life that I counted on has changed. The first half of 2010 has been full of challenges, and I've seen the seeming crumbling of everything in life that I had counted on as firm and fixed. Just briefly, these are among the major changes and events that have shaped the first six months of this year:
- In early January I slipped on some icy stairs at a train station and fell down a flight of them, badly wrenching some muscles in my neck and left shoulder.
- Three weeks to the day after I fell down the stairs, I had a car accident on my way to work, totaling my car, and re-injuring the muscles in my neck and shoulder that were only just beginning to heal.
- Days after the car accident, I received confirmation that my roommate and good friend would need to leave Canada due to visa restrictions. I would ultimately within the next month lose the blessing of sharing a home with a dear friend, as well as the apartment that had been a place of refuge, that I'd loved best of all the places I've lived since moving out of my parent's home a number of years ago.
- I made the decision to move into my grandma's basement at that time. It was a decision that I still believe was based in God's leading, but has turned out to have rather immense consequences. I had no idea how many ramifications would come from that one decision. While I was aware that there would likely be personality conflict issues to overcome, I couldn't have predicted the dramatic family and financial challenges that Grandma had been doing her best to keep hidden, nor could I have predicted the overwhelming spiritual darkness and demonic activity that I encountered in her home.
- Two months after moving into grandma's, I was given a very good price on a car to replace the vehicle that had been destroyed in January. I purchased the car, insured it, paid for a few minor repairs, and then, two weeks later received a call from my insurance company informing me that they had dramatically misquoted me, that my actual premium would be 5 times higher than what they had quoted - a number I was unable to afford. I quickly sold the car, and came to the realization that because of my driving record, it will likely be at least two years until I am able to own a vehicle again. I will be taking public transit for the next two years.
- And then, on May 17th, after three and a half year with the company that had employed me, I was told at the end of the day that my services, effective immediately, were no longer required, and lost my job and only source of income.
- The final straw, and one that I find actually immensely humorous if only because it really does seem that God was making a point, is this: I love the band U2, and it's been a long-time goal of mine to see them play live in concert. This year they are touring in Canada, and were playing a show in Edmonton, and I had tickets to the show, to fulfill a sort of life time dream. While I was in Ontario after losing my job, I received a phone call informing me that Bono had undergone emergency surgery, and the concert to which I had tickets had been indefinitely postponed. It was a humorous last straw as I realized that a calendar that had been quite full only days before was now entirely empty. The concert had been the last scheduled event on my calendar, and now it was gone, too!
And, in that place of (admittedly somewhat forced and desperate!) praying and listening, one idea began to stand out. Since I was a child, the books and television shows that have been my favorite have always been the ones with overtly medical themes. As I talked with trusted friends, and listened and prayed, I was reminded of that enjoyment, and a career that had always been a passing thought quickly became the thought that just WOULD NOT go away. It's a rather difficult thought process to explain, because so much of it was deeply internal, but I have a deep peace as I tell you that I've decided to pursue a degree and a career in nursing.
There are some very practical ramifications of that decision. The University of Calgary offers a two year route to obtaining a bachelor's of nursing and R.N. designation for students who already hold a university bachelor's degree. The next entry into this program is in January 2011. However, there are some necessary pre-requisite courses for this program that I did not take during the course of my undergraduate degree (somehow you just don't tend to study anatomy and physiology or statistics in a degree focusing on European church history, and, while the suggestion of a friend that I tell the nursing program that I'd studied the "Body of Christ" made me laugh and continues to make me laugh, I didn't think the nursing admissions people would go for it!). These pre-requisite classes must be completed by the end of August. What that means is that in the next two months, I need to complete an anatomy and physiology course that is normally taught over 8 months, and a statistics course that is normally taught over 4 months. Both courses will be done via distance learning, and I consulted with the professor who wrote the anatomy course, who assured me that it would be possible to finish the course in this accelerated fashion, though it will be time consuming. On a practical level, this means that my plan to seek full-time employment beginning immediately has been set aside. I will be looking for a part-time job, just to have a bit of income coming in, and will be studying full-time until September.
I'm incredibly excited at this sudden new direction my life is taking, and would ask for you to continue to pray for me as I try to be diligent and disciplined in my studies over the next two months or so. It will be a busy season, and my desire is to really excel as I study. Please pray, too, that an appropriate part-time job would present itself, so that I would have at least a small source of income. Pray for me to continue to be sensitive to God's calling voice in the midst of this new season. (Ideally, I'd like in future for it not to take my whole life coming to a halt for me to really make time to pause and listen for that calling!)
I'll be honest in saying that while I have grieved the loss of a job that had provided well for me over a long period of time, I have come to truly see God's leading and provision and blessing in the midst of what has been a very unsettling time. Health wise,, I'm realizing that my job had carried with it a much larger burden of stress and fatigue than I was aware of, and I've felt healthier and more rested in the last four weeks than I have in several years.
More than that, though, while my circumstances seem entirely discombobulated (admittedly a challenge for a person who likes their ducks in a row!), I sense the presence and leading of Jesus in a way that is deep and profound and that I can't quite find words to really describe. I know a deep peace and joy as I look toward the future, despite the uncertainties that still seem to exist, and for that I'm deeply thankful.
This note is long, and I'm going to close here. As always, I'd love to hear from each of you and know how I can be praying specifically for you.
With much love,
Lisa
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 303
Today's daily 5:
- fun with some friends today
- farmer's market trip
- pork and mango pitas for dinner
- a brief chat with a dear friend
- still very thankful for the role my family has been playing in my life lately.
Quieter
I know it's been quieter around here lately.
Good things are brewing. Things I'm almost ready to share. (I actually just need to find the time to sit down and write about them in a way that works for sharing.)
But, in the meantime, I find myself with less to share.
Without the job that I'm daily realizing was a way larger source of stress in my life than I ever thought or knew, I don't feel the need to gripe daily. And without that job, I don't have to curb my social life quite so significantly, and have been seeing people I know and love, and sharing the things on my heart with them, verbally.
And I suppose the blog has suffered for that.
In the meantime, well, I'm coming back, and making plans to be here more regularly again, with more than just the daily 5 lists.
But I'm also enjoying the quiet. I think I was pressuring myself to have something to say, or write, or gripe about. To show up 2-3 times a day. I'm not into having that pressure right now.
This is holding true in my email life, too. I'm hitting delete way more often, instead of forcing myself to read or reply to things I'm not all that interested in. I'm thinking about simpler, and quieter a lot.
So, I'm enjoying the quiet. But I'll be back!
Good things are brewing. Things I'm almost ready to share. (I actually just need to find the time to sit down and write about them in a way that works for sharing.)
But, in the meantime, I find myself with less to share.
Without the job that I'm daily realizing was a way larger source of stress in my life than I ever thought or knew, I don't feel the need to gripe daily. And without that job, I don't have to curb my social life quite so significantly, and have been seeing people I know and love, and sharing the things on my heart with them, verbally.
And I suppose the blog has suffered for that.
In the meantime, well, I'm coming back, and making plans to be here more regularly again, with more than just the daily 5 lists.
But I'm also enjoying the quiet. I think I was pressuring myself to have something to say, or write, or gripe about. To show up 2-3 times a day. I'm not into having that pressure right now.
This is holding true in my email life, too. I'm hitting delete way more often, instead of forcing myself to read or reply to things I'm not all that interested in. I'm thinking about simpler, and quieter a lot.
So, I'm enjoying the quiet. But I'll be back!
Friday, June 11, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 302
Today's daily 5:
1. Coffee and great conversation with two different friends, bookending my day.
2. Great leftover meals at mom and dad's
3. Accomplishing some stuff on my "to do" list
4. Great hugs
5. Laughter
1. Coffee and great conversation with two different friends, bookending my day.
2. Great leftover meals at mom and dad's
3. Accomplishing some stuff on my "to do" list
4. Great hugs
5. Laughter
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 301
Today's daily 5:
1. House church tonight
2. Got through a task I'd been procrastinating on for at least a week.
3. Made lasgna for supper at my parent's house tonight
4. Got a surprise in the mail today
5. Little steps towards following a dream
1. House church tonight
2. Got through a task I'd been procrastinating on for at least a week.
3. Made lasgna for supper at my parent's house tonight
4. Got a surprise in the mail today
5. Little steps towards following a dream
Procrastinating
I am procrastinating this morning.
The big "to do" item on my list for today is to fill out some government paperwork online.
A process that the website promises will likely take at least an hour.
So I'm procrastinating.
It's the first thing I'm going to do.
After I empty the dishwasher for my parents.
And make a cup of tea.
And eat a pumpkin cookie (I made another batch yesterday.)
After I read a few blog posts from around the world.
And after I stop in here, to mention that I'm procrastinating.
But it's the first thing I'm going to do.
Really.
The big "to do" item on my list for today is to fill out some government paperwork online.
A process that the website promises will likely take at least an hour.
So I'm procrastinating.
It's the first thing I'm going to do.
After I empty the dishwasher for my parents.
And make a cup of tea.
And eat a pumpkin cookie (I made another batch yesterday.)
After I read a few blog posts from around the world.
And after I stop in here, to mention that I'm procrastinating.
But it's the first thing I'm going to do.
Really.
Wednesday, June 09, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 300
Today's daily 5:
1. 300 days!!!
2. Dove into some future plans today. (details coming soon!)
3. Found a blog comment this morning on a recently written post from an author I very much admire who I'd quoted in the post. That definitely made me smile!
4. Prepared a really good pair of side dishes for supper tonight at mom and dad's. Deluxe mashed potatoes and roasted asparagus and mushrooms.
5. Coffee with a new friend. Another awesome connection that I'm looking forward to developing in the future.
1. 300 days!!!
2. Dove into some future plans today. (details coming soon!)
3. Found a blog comment this morning on a recently written post from an author I very much admire who I'd quoted in the post. That definitely made me smile!
4. Prepared a really good pair of side dishes for supper tonight at mom and dad's. Deluxe mashed potatoes and roasted asparagus and mushrooms.
5. Coffee with a new friend. Another awesome connection that I'm looking forward to developing in the future.
Bless the Lord
My brother T introduced me to this song, and I love how it builds towards the end... He led it in worship on Sunday with his new wife, and it was a powerful moment for me as I sat there...
Bless the Lord (Jeff Deyo)
For your beauty,
For your goodness,
And your wisdom.. Awesome God
Praise the Lord oh my soul, Praise the Lord.
For your power,
For your honor,
And your splendor... Mighty God
Praise the Lord oh my soul, Praise the Lord.
Praise the Lord oh my soul, Praise the Lord.
Chorus:
And I will worship you,
I will bless your name forever,
I will worship you,
Bless the Lord oh my soul, Bless the Lord
Bless the Lord oh my soul, Bless the Lord
For your Kindness
For your Favor,
For your Mercy.. Gracious One
Thank the Lord oh my Soul, Thank the Lord.
For your fire,
For your testing
And your Spirit... Holy One
Thank the Lord oh my Soul, Thank the Lord.
Thank the Lord oh my Soul, Thank the Lord.
Chorus
Bless the Lord oh my Soul,
Bless the Lord oh my Soul, Bless the LORD!
For your Suffering,
For your Anguish
And your sorrow.. humble King,
Bless the Lord oh my soul, Bless the Lord
Bless the Lord oh my soul, Bless the Lord
For your Victory
For your Triumph,
And you'll soon come and reign over all.
And I will worship you,
I will bless your name forever.
I will worship you,
Bless the Lord oh my Soul, Bless the Lord
And I will worship you,
I will bless your name forever.
I will worship you,
Bless the Lord oh my Soul, Bless the Lord
Bless the Lord oh my Soul, Bless the Lord
Bless the Lord oh my Soul,
Bless the Lord oh my Soul,
Bless the Lord oh my Soul,
Bless the Lord oh my Soul, Bless the Lord
Bless the Lord (Jeff Deyo)
For your beauty,
For your goodness,
And your wisdom.. Awesome God
Praise the Lord oh my soul, Praise the Lord.
For your power,
For your honor,
And your splendor... Mighty God
Praise the Lord oh my soul, Praise the Lord.
Praise the Lord oh my soul, Praise the Lord.
Chorus:
And I will worship you,
I will bless your name forever,
I will worship you,
Bless the Lord oh my soul, Bless the Lord
Bless the Lord oh my soul, Bless the Lord
For your Kindness
For your Favor,
For your Mercy.. Gracious One
Thank the Lord oh my Soul, Thank the Lord.
For your fire,
For your testing
And your Spirit... Holy One
Thank the Lord oh my Soul, Thank the Lord.
Thank the Lord oh my Soul, Thank the Lord.
Chorus
Bless the Lord oh my Soul,
Bless the Lord oh my Soul, Bless the LORD!
For your Suffering,
For your Anguish
And your sorrow.. humble King,
Bless the Lord oh my soul, Bless the Lord
Bless the Lord oh my soul, Bless the Lord
For your Victory
For your Triumph,
And you'll soon come and reign over all.
And I will worship you,
I will bless your name forever.
I will worship you,
Bless the Lord oh my Soul, Bless the Lord
And I will worship you,
I will bless your name forever.
I will worship you,
Bless the Lord oh my Soul, Bless the Lord
Bless the Lord oh my Soul, Bless the Lord
Bless the Lord oh my Soul,
Bless the Lord oh my Soul,
Bless the Lord oh my Soul,
Bless the Lord oh my Soul, Bless the Lord
Tuesday, June 08, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 299
Today's Daily 5:
- Two helpful advising meetings as I ponder things coming next
- Coffee with a long-time friend who also happens to be the Pentecostal chaplain at the university here (who I've known since I was a student at said university). It was great to talk with him about where my journey has taken me and where he and his family are at. And it was fun to talk about some of the more "spirit-filled" things that I don't get to talk about a lot with people in Calgary.
- My former roommate phoned from the UK today. We spent an hour catching up on each others lives and plans for the next several months. And we laughed, and talked about how God was working. It was so good to chat with her. I really miss her.
- Got a call about a potential job interview - another one of those clarifying questions before they decide who they're interviewing sort of things, but this one might actually fit well with some of what I'm dreaming about.
- Managed to get all the information I need to make some decisions, and mostly made the decisions - now I'm going to sleep on it for a night and finalize things tomorrow.
- Really enjoying reading some fiction again lately after about a 1.5 year hiatus for a variety of reasons.
- Had a natural health treatment tonight that confirmed that my body is actually significantly less stressed since I am no longer working at my previous employer.
- thankful for the advice of family as I navigate some interesting waters
- leftovers, but good food for several meals today
- hot apple cider while I met with my chaplain friend - haven't had that in ages, and this stuff was tasty!
How am I Choosing Joy?
These thoughts from Richard Rohr appeared in my inbox the other day. If you've hung around this blog long, you'll see why they made me laugh, and reel, and take a few days to absorb them. Choosing joy has been sort of a theme for me. A major theme and goal, really. Someday I'll write about just how impacting it was to me to discover that there was something of a choice in that...
But for now, I thought I'd share Richard Rohr's thoughts with you, and invite you to join me in "collapsing into joy."
But for now, I thought I'd share Richard Rohr's thoughts with you, and invite you to join me in "collapsing into joy."
| ||||
Monday, June 07, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 298
Today's Daily 5:
- This picture (the definition of irony in my opinion) viewed first on Ian's blog.
- Head butting against walls at times, but a little bit of progress made towards finding the information I'm needing to get. There's a time crunch, now, so tomorrow I'm taking the "in person" approach.
- Scheduled an interview at an administrative and finance placement agency for next Monday.
- Followed through on the whole "apply at Starbucks" plan
- some documents I've been waiting for actually arrived in the mail, and the reference letter was among them, and far more positive than I expected it would be.
- Brunch with a long-time friend, and catching up a little
- simple things, like filtered water at mom and dad's
- attacking the boring and tedious task of job hunting with a certain degree of discipline
- an email from a dear friend that made me smile
- picking up a bunch of books that I'd put on hold at the library
- refreshment of a shower
- getting a ride to brunch this morning, so only having to walk one way from the house-sitting gig, and thereby sparing the sore foot that I managed to injure while walking all that distance in unsupportive shoes last week
- chocolate
- pumpkin cookies
- leftover French toast stuffed with Canadian Bacon and Gouda as a mid-afternoon snack
Monday, 2:45
Monday, 2:45 p.m.
Things this day has held:
And, this week, I've scheduled time to see friends or family nearly every day. That will help make the job-hunting more bearable, I think.
Things this day has held:
- Lazyish morning, feed the cat, clean the litterbox at the house-sitting gig.
- Brunch with a long-time friend at a diner restaurant she recently discovered that uses mostly local suppliers
- Brunch included stuffed french toast - stuffed with gouda and Canadian Bacon
- A ride to mom and dad's
- research, research, research, as I work on moving a few things I'm dreaming about into a realm of concrete reality where I can discuss them more openly
- job applications. I'm kind of sick of job applications.
- one pre-interview clarification call on a resume I sent out, with the hint that they may call back to offer an interview
- Starbucks application - to be honest, right now, the idea of working in a coffee shop is highly appealing. I just like the idea of doing something totally different for a while. But seriously, the Starbucks application (the basic barista one, not the managerial one which I also filled out) is one of the most involved applications I've ever encountered. It included all kinds of work/personality questions and took probably 20 minutes or more to complete.
- A little bit of reading here and there.
- And now, now it's time to break for a snack (probably the leftovers from this morning's brunch date) before sending off a few more resumes.
- the arrival of a reference letter from my previous employer that was decidedly more balanced and positive than I'd expected it to be, based on my experience with that particular person.
And, this week, I've scheduled time to see friends or family nearly every day. That will help make the job-hunting more bearable, I think.
Sunday, June 06, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 297
Today's daily 5:
1. BBQ roast beef supper with the whole family
2. Unique spin on the sermon involving group interaction this morning.
3. Getting a hug and some encouragement from a long time friend/mentor at dad's church this morning.
4. Chatting with my sister-in-law and other brother's girlfriend
5. Digging dandelions with this cool new tool my parent's just bought.
6. Some sunshine
7. Walking with less pain thanks to my new walking shoes.
1. BBQ roast beef supper with the whole family
2. Unique spin on the sermon involving group interaction this morning.
3. Getting a hug and some encouragement from a long time friend/mentor at dad's church this morning.
4. Chatting with my sister-in-law and other brother's girlfriend
5. Digging dandelions with this cool new tool my parent's just bought.
6. Some sunshine
7. Walking with less pain thanks to my new walking shoes.
Saturday, June 05, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 296
Today's Daily 5:
- A stop at the library this morning
- Time with a good friend and her daughter at the farmer's market
- freshly baked pumpkin cookies
- pork roast with gravy (pork gravy is, I think, my favorite)
- A day mostly away from my computer (more thoughts on this to come in coming days)
Friday, June 04, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 295
Today's Daily 5:
- I bought decent walking shoes tonight. With this new life reality of taking transit everywhere, I've been doing a lot of walking. I've been doing even more walking than usual this week because of the location of where I'm house sitting, and I've noticed that my favored shoes just aren't cutting it. My feet and knees HURT. I've had problems with the tendons in my feet and calves since high school, and bad shoes are definitely not helping with all this extra walking. So, tonight I caved and spent money, even though spending money when I'm not employed kind of makes me want to throw up. My mom talked me into buying shoes, reminding me that it would be a better idea to buy shoes sooner than later so that I don't damage the tendons and muscles and bones while I'm busy walking all over the city in bad shoes, and she even offered to drive me to the shop where I could buy appropriate shoes for a decent price. I'll wear the shoes around indoors for a day or two to make sure they're going to work, but I'm optimistic that this pair will be the one I'll keep, and they were quite a bit less than I would have been ultimately willing to spend.
- I spent some more time dreaming about the future, and what I want to do with my life today. A plan is slowly taking shape within me. Something that somehow just feels right.
- Errands with my mom tonight, and dinner with both of my parents helped a bit with the feeling of spending too much time alone with my thoughts and not having enough human interaction.
- I again managed to send off quite a few resumes, and I have some ideas on tap for where else I want to send some over the next several days/week.
- I've only slept at my grandma's house once in the last three weeks or so. I realized today that I'm starting to miss my own bed, but that I'm not at all missing that location. I've not had nightmares in all these other places I've stayed. And, to some extent, the fact that I've flexibly stayed and slept in a whole variety of other locations over the last three weeks is encouraging to me. I used to only be able to sleep in my own bed in my own room. In the last three weeks I've slept in an SUV parked at a highway rest stop, at my parents house, three different hotels - including one very bad hotel cot, on a couch at the home my sister in law grew up in, at a relative's house, in the place where I'm house sitting, and at a friend of a friend's. And I've actually slept, not just laid awake all night, in each of those locations. That's a miracle to me, and a huge growth thing for me to acknowledge, and celebrate.
3100
3100 blog posts seems like a milestone.
I feel like I should have something profound to say.
(I never seem to have anything that feels profound to say when the milestone posts roll around.)
Instead I'm just going to acknowledge that I've written 3100 posts. That I've been showing up here consistently for over 5 years now, and writing about whatever happens to be on my mind at the time. And I'm going to talk a little about my day.
Today is just one of those days.
I sent out a pile of resumes, and I have a pile more to send.
I heard back from one place I applied yesterday, telling me that I was not going to be a candidate.
I did an errand or two with my mom.
I'm discovering the weird balance of being an introvert and needing human interaction. Apparently my previous job, however I felt about it, was meeting a need for some human interaction.
I'm finding myself tired of myself the last few days. Tired of being alone with my thoughts, and the battleground they can tend to be.
Tired, I think, of the ongoing neccessity to choose joy.
Tired of the deep internal wrestles I was walking through with God even before I lost my job and that tension was added to the mix.
And tired of too much time alone.
It's partly why I've been hanging out at my parents' house during the day. That, and their internet access is better for job hunting than the access at the place I'm house-sitting. Because they both work from home, I get a bit of human interaction as they come and go from their respective home offices.
Tomorrow I'm hanging out with a friend and her daughter for a while. I think the plan is for us to go to the farmer's market together. I'm flexible. I'll just enjoy time with a friend.
I've been hesitating to set up times to see various friends during the day, always wondering if I'll get a call for an interview, or be starting a job and have to cancel. I think I'm going to change that.
Since the majority of my job-hunting is online, I can be flexible in which hours of the day I apply myself to that (and I'm determined to apply myself to it for at least an hour or two a day or more.)
That means I can make time for friends.
Yes, I'll maybe have to cancel if a job or an interview comes up. But I'd rather have those things to look forward to, than stare at empty days. I'd rather feed my soul and be with people I love.
Because feeding my soul in that way seems wise. And it makes the choice for joy just that much easier. And it seems smart, somehow, to try to make what can be such a hard choice easier.
I feel like I should have something profound to say.
(I never seem to have anything that feels profound to say when the milestone posts roll around.)
Instead I'm just going to acknowledge that I've written 3100 posts. That I've been showing up here consistently for over 5 years now, and writing about whatever happens to be on my mind at the time. And I'm going to talk a little about my day.
Today is just one of those days.
I sent out a pile of resumes, and I have a pile more to send.
I heard back from one place I applied yesterday, telling me that I was not going to be a candidate.
I did an errand or two with my mom.
I'm discovering the weird balance of being an introvert and needing human interaction. Apparently my previous job, however I felt about it, was meeting a need for some human interaction.
I'm finding myself tired of myself the last few days. Tired of being alone with my thoughts, and the battleground they can tend to be.
Tired, I think, of the ongoing neccessity to choose joy.
Tired of the deep internal wrestles I was walking through with God even before I lost my job and that tension was added to the mix.
And tired of too much time alone.
It's partly why I've been hanging out at my parents' house during the day. That, and their internet access is better for job hunting than the access at the place I'm house-sitting. Because they both work from home, I get a bit of human interaction as they come and go from their respective home offices.
Tomorrow I'm hanging out with a friend and her daughter for a while. I think the plan is for us to go to the farmer's market together. I'm flexible. I'll just enjoy time with a friend.
I've been hesitating to set up times to see various friends during the day, always wondering if I'll get a call for an interview, or be starting a job and have to cancel. I think I'm going to change that.
Since the majority of my job-hunting is online, I can be flexible in which hours of the day I apply myself to that (and I'm determined to apply myself to it for at least an hour or two a day or more.)
That means I can make time for friends.
Yes, I'll maybe have to cancel if a job or an interview comes up. But I'd rather have those things to look forward to, than stare at empty days. I'd rather feed my soul and be with people I love.
Because feeding my soul in that way seems wise. And it makes the choice for joy just that much easier. And it seems smart, somehow, to try to make what can be such a hard choice easier.
Thursday, June 03, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 294
Today's Daily 5:
- Being back at house church for the first time in several weeks
- Watching "Blue Like Jazz Live"
- Watching some Rob Bell teaching films while I worked on job application stuff on my computer today
- chef salad for supper and great conversation with mom and dad
- encouragement via email, conversation, and blog comments and posts from various friends
Some Days are Just Easier
Some days are just easier than others.
Yesterday was one of those days.
A day where things flowed. It was sunny, I had an amazing coffee appointment with a new friend. I sent out resumes and felt hopeful about them. I knew deep joy and peace. I felt like myself. I laughed via email with a dear friend, and discovered a dream about the future deep within me. I talked about twirling and tattoos and the fact that the word hope in Spanish is nearly the same as Italian, and a friend had encountered that translated word in a place she'd recently revisited in Malta. I was laughing at the idea of ducks totally out of line, or missing entirely.
Today is a harder day.
A day where I kind of want to cry. It's raining and cold. I've been wrapped in a blanket since arriving at my parent's house this morning, eaten soup and a toasted cheese bun, and have my feet propped on the warm power adapter for my laptop, and I still can't get warm. I'm having a flair up of some health problems. I'm kind of lonely. I'm thinking about routines and revamping life, and kind of want to scrap everything and run away, even though I know deep within me that that won't fix anything. The dreams deep within have begun to be researched and I'm resigning myself to the knowledge that they likely won't be as instantly acted upon as I would like. Where I'm sending out resumes but having a hard time not being fatalistic about the job hunt, even though I've really only been actually putting my resume out there for a couple of days.
And I'm having to remind myself that this is how life works. That some days are just easier, but I'm responsible for choosing how I respond whether the day is easy or hard. That I have to choose joy and life on the cold, rainy, lonely days just as much as on the sunny, warm, flowing days. That just because it's harder and the circumstances seem huge doesn't mean that it's not still my choice. That sometimes routines are important, and perhaps I should re-engage them. But also that some need to go. That discipline, a word I've hated for years, a word that has been used as a weapon against me, describing all of my failings, maybe isn't a bad thing in every situation. That it might be a good thing here.
I'm having to remind myself that there are little things to celebrate even on the cold and lonely days. That I'm inside and warm. That I'm wrapped in a blanket. That I am loved - by God and by friends. That tonight I will get to join my house church for the first time in several weeks, and we'll talk and pray and enjoy each other's company, and meet with God. That there can be hugs in this day - spontaneous ones, but that there are people around who I can ask for a hug as well. That I'm housesitting, and thereby having a break from the challenges of life at Grandma's. That yesterday was beautiful and that beautiful days will come again. And that in between those truly beautiful moments, I can choose to find beauty, too. To find joy and hope and life.
Some days are just easier, and today isn't one of them. And that's okay too. Because I'm choosing to celebrate God anyway.
Yesterday was one of those days.
A day where things flowed. It was sunny, I had an amazing coffee appointment with a new friend. I sent out resumes and felt hopeful about them. I knew deep joy and peace. I felt like myself. I laughed via email with a dear friend, and discovered a dream about the future deep within me. I talked about twirling and tattoos and the fact that the word hope in Spanish is nearly the same as Italian, and a friend had encountered that translated word in a place she'd recently revisited in Malta. I was laughing at the idea of ducks totally out of line, or missing entirely.
Today is a harder day.
A day where I kind of want to cry. It's raining and cold. I've been wrapped in a blanket since arriving at my parent's house this morning, eaten soup and a toasted cheese bun, and have my feet propped on the warm power adapter for my laptop, and I still can't get warm. I'm having a flair up of some health problems. I'm kind of lonely. I'm thinking about routines and revamping life, and kind of want to scrap everything and run away, even though I know deep within me that that won't fix anything. The dreams deep within have begun to be researched and I'm resigning myself to the knowledge that they likely won't be as instantly acted upon as I would like. Where I'm sending out resumes but having a hard time not being fatalistic about the job hunt, even though I've really only been actually putting my resume out there for a couple of days.
And I'm having to remind myself that this is how life works. That some days are just easier, but I'm responsible for choosing how I respond whether the day is easy or hard. That I have to choose joy and life on the cold, rainy, lonely days just as much as on the sunny, warm, flowing days. That just because it's harder and the circumstances seem huge doesn't mean that it's not still my choice. That sometimes routines are important, and perhaps I should re-engage them. But also that some need to go. That discipline, a word I've hated for years, a word that has been used as a weapon against me, describing all of my failings, maybe isn't a bad thing in every situation. That it might be a good thing here.
I'm having to remind myself that there are little things to celebrate even on the cold and lonely days. That I'm inside and warm. That I'm wrapped in a blanket. That I am loved - by God and by friends. That tonight I will get to join my house church for the first time in several weeks, and we'll talk and pray and enjoy each other's company, and meet with God. That there can be hugs in this day - spontaneous ones, but that there are people around who I can ask for a hug as well. That I'm housesitting, and thereby having a break from the challenges of life at Grandma's. That yesterday was beautiful and that beautiful days will come again. And that in between those truly beautiful moments, I can choose to find beauty, too. To find joy and hope and life.
Some days are just easier, and today isn't one of them. And that's okay too. Because I'm choosing to celebrate God anyway.
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 293
Today's Daily 5:
- Coffee with a new friend. The kind of coffee where you're really not sure how it is going to go, and then you discover something of a kindred spirit and you talk and talk and talk and it spills over into the rest of your day and brings smiles.
- The sun is finally out and it was warm enough to walk today without a down vest and fleece jacket on.
- Dreaming just a little about a change in direction
- Feeling really okay for the first time in a little while... feeling like there is life coming amidst all the crazyness of my "never boring" life
- smiling at emails from various friends
- an invitation to have coffee next week with another new friend (thanks especially S. and LP/CA)
- free food at mom and dad's
- actually getting a few resumes out there, and having a number more to send off in the coming days
- rice krispy square and an iced passion tea lemonade at Starbucks
- walking, listening, praying
I don't even have ducks...
While I was away, one of the stops we made was at a wonderful publishing house clearance bookstore in Grand Rapids. While there I picked up a book by an author who has never yet steered me wrong. Every book of his that I've read has been profound, and this one, which I read in the car on the remainder of the (long) drive home wasn't an exception. This one was timely, too, as it's about finding one's calling, and, well, I'm unemployed and moving towards 30 years of age, and beginning to wonder if I shouldn't perhaps try to find a calling, or at the very least, a career, sometime soon.
In any case, I had the book with me today when I met a new friend for coffee. After we'd shared a little of our lives with each other, I knew I had to share with her a passage I'd marked in the book. (The book, by the way, is "The Echo Within" by Robert Benson.) And then I had to laugh at how it's message was hitting me all over again too.
Benson writes:
I like my ducks in a row. I like my t's crossed and my i's dotted. I like, as the old revival song says, my old accounts to be settled. I like for things to go the way we drew them up on the blackboard, to go according to plan, to be right on the money.
These are things I have to be careful about when I am trying to listen for the calling voice of God. God does not seem to be particularly interested in whether or not my ducks stay in line.
(Benson, pg.141)
I had to laugh. My calendar is quite literally blank. All of the things I had planned are gone. I like my ducks in a row. I like the security of that. Trouble is, right now, I don't even have ducks!
In any case, I had the book with me today when I met a new friend for coffee. After we'd shared a little of our lives with each other, I knew I had to share with her a passage I'd marked in the book. (The book, by the way, is "The Echo Within" by Robert Benson.) And then I had to laugh at how it's message was hitting me all over again too.
Benson writes:
I like my ducks in a row. I like my t's crossed and my i's dotted. I like, as the old revival song says, my old accounts to be settled. I like for things to go the way we drew them up on the blackboard, to go according to plan, to be right on the money.
These are things I have to be careful about when I am trying to listen for the calling voice of God. God does not seem to be particularly interested in whether or not my ducks stay in line.
(Benson, pg.141)
I had to laugh. My calendar is quite literally blank. All of the things I had planned are gone. I like my ducks in a row. I like the security of that. Trouble is, right now, I don't even have ducks!
I Liked This...
From today's "Americancatholic.org" Minute Meditation:
Embrace the Mystery
Learn the mystery of surrender and trust, and then it will be done unto you, through you, with you, in you and very often, in spite of you.
— from Things Hidden: Scripture as Spirituality
Embrace the Mystery
Learn the mystery of surrender and trust, and then it will be done unto you, through you, with you, in you and very often, in spite of you.
— from Things Hidden: Scripture as Spirituality
Tuesday, June 01, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 292
Today's Daily 5:
- Hung out with family again
- Discovered that there do seem to be a number of positions available that I would be qualified to fill
- slow, lazy morning
- going to get a lot of exercise house-sitting since the house is a 2km walk from the train station
- thinking it will be a quiet evening of either reading or bubble-bath or both tonight.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
