Daily 5 - Day 20

Today's daily 5:

1. Finishing a book (Julie and Julia)
   
2. A dream that unsettled, but also taught me about myself
3. The remembrance of words my friend J. spoke over me, telling me that God knew the desires and needs of my heart, and would provide, and seeing that happen a bit in the midst of this morning's dream.
4. dinner with a friend
5. The challenge of doing something new at work today - checking references. Adding experience to my resume, and learning a new thing.
   

An argument for community?

The quote for the day on the calendar that sits on my office desk:

"Learn to let others do their share of the work. Things may be done less well, but you will have more peace of soul and health of body. And what temporal interest should we not sacrifice in order to gain these blessings?" (Saint Rose Philippine Duchesne)

More peace of soul and health of body, huh? Sounds like a good argument for a life lived in community, relying and depending on others, and not just oneself...

Monday Morning Dreams...

It was another quite restless night.

I had a wild and crazy dream experience just before waking this morning. Not one I'll say a lot about, but one that hit me deeply.

A conversation that both raised and answered different questions.

Questions about who I am, and the strength within me.

Questions about relationships and toxicity.

Have I mentioned recently that I could really use a friend gifted in interpreting dreams?

Or that the last week has left me stunned in the various ways that God has spoken.

My insides are a confusing muddle just presently.

It sounds bad when I put it like that.

I'm actually doing significantly better than I have been in months.

I'm just feeling a bit spun around by the intensity of this current season of God speaking in my life.

I think, in the grand scheme of things, this is the kind of overwhelmed that I want to be feeling.

The kind where Jesus is deeply present, and overwhelming is somehow accompanied with peace.

Daily 5 - Day 19

Image by Darren Hester via Flickr

Today was a lovely day, filled with some moments that I will hold deeply precious within me for a while, though perhaps I'll eventually share.

In the meantime, here's today's daily 5:

1. the joy and laughter of children on the amusement park rides (that I was also riding!) at Heritage Park today
2. a big bag of really sweet, fresh green grapes, purchased at a very affordable price at the Harvest Sale
3. an incredible, God-ordained moment on another cemetery tour
4. finding just the right spot (while praying) to sit by the creek in the park for a while and write
5. wet feet!
6. (a bonus today!) Chinese take-out for dinner, after a quick stop at mom and dad's to give them the pineapples I'd picked up for them at the harvest sale (2 for $4!)
   

Sunday Morning Quiet

This has been kind of a crazy week for me and Jesus.

A good week, but a bit crazy, and, just in this moment, one that I don't have a lot of public words for.

I'm planning to spend today quietly, and by myself. I'm think I'll probably go to Heritage Park for a while. Ride the old fashioned amusement rides. Maybe take advantage of the Harvest Fruits and Vegetables Sale that's going on this weekend at turn of the (nineteenth) century prices.

My roommate went camping and hiking, and I don't expect her back until fairly late this evening.

So, I'm planning a quiet day. Maybe a few little excursions, and time in my favorite park. Maybe a movie. But likely mostly just quiet. Reading, resting, thinking, writing, praying, and cleaning. Maybe pulling some supplies off the shelves and doing something creative.

But quiet.

Other than the live webcast of Jason Upton at a church in Texas that's currently playing in the background. Because that is soothing my jangled soul as well.

Daily 5 - Day 18

Image by Dia™ via Flickr

So, eighteen days in...

This was a wild and crazy day within my heart, on the heels of a wild and crazy week. I just sent a long email to a dear friend detailing some of the things going on within me, and it took nearly an hour to write those thoughts out...

But it was a beautiful day, and good...

So, here's today's daily 5:

1. the surprise in the way God started speaking, catching me totally off guard, while I was at church tonight
2. an iced passion tea lemonade, and Macdonalds (one a typical beverage for when I need to pray, the other comfort food) consumed while I processed those things
3. a tour of a cemetery, and hearing some stories of the origins of Calgary
4. Hosea 2:14-16, 19-20, 23 NLT
5. Accomplishing some very necessary errands so that our home can truly begin to feel settled and like "home"
   

Order and Control

I liked these thoughts on order and control that Allie, Dearest posted last night. Rather profound in the grand scheme of what has gone on around me and in me for the last couple of years.

Saturday Morning... Looking Ahead...

We hung the art in our house last night. I know I mentioned that in last night's daily 5, but it really does please me. It was lovely to get up this morning and see things hanging on the walls, to not have the piles of bags and boxes that need to go to the thrift store. I'll likely take pictures of our house to share sometime soon - it could use a little cleaning first - neither of us has had the energy or motivation to keep things really tidy over the two months or so that we've lived here.

This morning's plans include a trip to the thrift store to drop off the trunkload of items I have in George.

Then we're going to the AMA to pick up tourism information, maps, and guidebooks for a trip we're beginning to plan.

After that, I'm not totally sure, though I think I'll likely take in a tour of one of the cemeteries I love. My roommate has been laughing at me all week for how excited I got upon discovering that they offer guided tours, discussing the history, of both of the cemeteries that I love to walk in.

Church tonight is also likely in the plans.

There will be food in there somewhere, and possibly a trip to the health food store to pick up some vitamins that I'm either out of, or nearly out of. (As a side note, I've decided that health is a far more expensive proposition than simply being unhealthy!)

In any case, I'm glad that our house is finally starting to feel like a home, and I'm looking forward to what I've got planned for the day. Looking forward to it with the ever present caution of knowing that I need to take time for sabbath on the weekends as well, and that my plans may have to give in favor of the need for rest.

Daily 5 - Day 17

Today's Daily 5:

1. Wearing jeans at work
2. Finally hanging art on the walls of our house - my roommate and I made a concerted effort, loaded the items for the thrift store into George's trunk to be dropped off tomorrow, and then hung all of our artwork. Our kitchen and living room look so much more settled now. I think we officially are done with the settling in!
   
3. A beautiful email from my friend A.
4. Cooking one of mom's recipes for dinner, and having it actually turn out. Also, getting to sit down and share a meal with my roommate and one of her friends.
   
5. A long walk in the park near our home this evening.
   

A few headlines

It's been a while since I've posted any headlines here, but these two articles are catching my attention today:

Ottawa Area Child Dies After Running Into Burning House
(This family is in my prayers today.)

Ted Kennedy's Quiet Catholic Faith

Settled Within Myself

I'm feeling settled today.

Anticipating the things to come, but settled, at peace within myself.

I'm not really sure how to explain it.

I guess I could tell you that there have been times during this incredibly difficult last year and a half where I have been quite convinced that the character of God was something less than good, and that my life had become some sort of great conspiracy of suffering. For every moment that seemed beautiful, every decision that seemed healthy, there were always immediate set backs. The moments colored by pain. The decisions marked by a falling or stumbling backwards into the mire.

I went through a lot of anger, and, in some ways it took me a long time to admit that I was absolutely furious with this God I'd tried to serve in obedience. Where was he as my life was falling apart because of a decision I'd thought (and am still convinced) was one made in obedience to something he'd called me to? I had a certain sense of entitlement in the promises of scripture that blessing comes through obedience, and I was furious that instead of blessing I seemed to be encountering only destruction.

I've struggled often with frustration over the way I pass so many nights. Over an inability to sleep. Over the dreams that I so often have. I think something within me had always assumed that when I was healed from depression sleep would now be mine. One of the things that marked the night I was healed was that, for the first time in probably five years, I'd slept for six straight hours without waking, and without nightmares. The getting to sleep thing, and the not dreaming thing hasn't panned out for me.

But today, I feel settled within myself.

I don't quite know how to describe the little shifts in mindset, or how those little things seem enormous to me. I'm not sure that it could be understood without having lived in my skin through the last year and a half, and maybe, particularly, through the last two months or so.

There are things that are encouraging to me.

Last night I was hungry. After dinner, and grocery shopping. I'm almost never hungry. My roommate was shocked. I was craving carbs and protein. I came home from grocery shopping, cooked a chicken breast, used it to fill a pita, added some lettuce and cucumber and mayo and enjoyed a second meal for the evening. I know from past experience that I only crave carbs and protein like that when I am in the midst of some sort of major transition in life - something that is requiring far more energy than my day to day diet is supplying.

There are other little shifts.

But mostly, I feel settled.

I don't feel right now that life is a conspiracy in ways to make me suffer.

I don't feel the anger that has defined so much of my life this last while.

I'm feeling hopeful again, moving forward towards new things and desires.

There are things in my life that I'm excited about again.

I'm planning a trip.

I'm learning about forgiveness.

I'm pondering choices, and thankful for experiences that are more fully letting me understand, from a different side entirely, some of the things God occasionally asks me to walk in.

I'm feeling a certain degree of acceptance of the way my nights go past. I'm grateful for the ones that are more peaceful, I'm learning to sort out which bits of dreams and moments of prayer need to be paid attention to, and I've discovered that they're far less exhausting if I take advantage of the hours in which I seem able to sleep, before the dreams begin, and far less exhausting if I simply choose to be okay with them, and figure out ways to cope and supplement my need for rest. (In my case this has meant learning to be okay with letting some things that would normally drive me crazy, be left undone in favor of a restful evening or weekend.)

I'm feeling settled within myself. And it's a really great feeling to have.

Daily 5 - Day 16

Today's five include:

1. The sense of accomplishment that comes from some legwork and research at work, that will end up saving the company probably close to 2 grand a year on our telecommunications needs, and receiving a compliment from my boss for discovering and pursuing this.
   
2. a much needed and very satisfying snack after grocery shopping
3. finding some time to catch up on journaling
4. having the energy to get through the day without feeling beat up, even after all the disturbed and short nights of sleep this week
5. a good customer service experience with our telephone/internet/television provider - this is an anomaly at times with this company, and a good experience is always one to be greatful for.
   

Solitude or Multitude

A quote that appeared recently on the calendar that sits on my desk at work:

It is an error to isolate oneself from men...If God does not call one to solitude, one must live with God in the multitude, make him known there, and make him loved.

Raissa Maritain

Odd sort of day

It's been an odd sort of day if the first time it hits me that I haven't stopped in at the blog to say something, anything really, is after noon.

Obviously today is that sort of day.

I was awake early. Too early. So early, in fact, that when I commented on a friend's facebook status, another friend replied with, "Lisa, why are you awake this early?"

The answer?

Explosive dreams.

Literally. Demolition. Fleeing for lives. And it's recurring and building on itself for a couple of days now. The last time a dream did that, it wreaked some serious havoc in my life. Some of the things that came from that one are still big giant question marks, while others still carry a sting.

It would be nice to understand these things I experience in the night. (Four days in a row again, not that I'm counting or anything...) But, these days I'm getting more and more used to the fact that this is my reality, that the nights for me are lively. That sometimes God speaks, and sometimes I encounter other things that are far less than "of God", and sometimes my brain is just so overloaded that it uses the night to process the events of the last days and weeks, but in some sort of bizarre way that I don't quite understand.

I was reflecting the other day, that if I ever do get married (something I'm in absolutely no hurry to have happen, if ever) it would be handy if my husband had the gift of dream interpretation. He'll also need to sleep like a dead person to weather my inability to sleep, but hey, dream interpretation and a supernatural gift of sleep - I'm not looking for much!

On the other hand, I was also asked yesterday, quite seriously by someone, if I'd ever considered becoming a nun. The answer to that question is also yes.

I spent the morning at the office doing all sorts of little tasks, and running out to do some errands - to deal with an errant cell phone, and to solve the crisis of coffee with no available cream or milk. (Does it seem funny to you that this is a crisis? It's funny to me. Perhaps because I don't drink coffee.)

I have probably a dozen more little tasks to tackle over the course of the afternoon.

I'm relishing the presence of a friend and coworker in the office right now. She's been away quite a bit lately, using up some vacation time, and the office is so much more bearable when she's there to share those moments of laughter AND those moments when you really must vent to someone or risk having your head explode.

Tonight is grocery shopping night at the soul-sucking mega store. But, I don't have to cook dinner before we shop. My roommate worked the early shift today, and will be home before I am (something that almost never happens) and will be doing the cooking. I think she's making some sort of thai beef red curry dish. I'm not a huge fan of curries, but I agreed to try this one. And, I really do need a grocery store trip - I'm nearly out of peanut m&m's, nearly out of toothpaste, and nearly out of the granola bars that seem to comprise my breakfast most of the time just currently.

And, with that, I'm off... time to get back to the list. Only a day and a half left until the weekend. For that I'm also incredibly thankful.

Daily 5 - Day 15

Today's daily 5:

1. Coffee and encouraging words this morning from a friend who has known me since the depression days.
   
2. Laughing over a few "pieces of flair" with the girls at work... I couldn't help it - you have to have spent a few years in our office, but there's something really funny about a button that reads "Everyone has the right to stupidity...you're abusing the privilege" if you work in the context that we have...
3. Vietnamese take-out for dinner (with left-overs for lunch tomorrow!)
4. A beautiful sunset spotted when I was picking up my roommate from her evening's activities
5. that progress seems to finally be being made towards filling a position in our office that will theoretically relieve some of the tensions we have, and will definitely make my role a whole lot easier to fulfill.
   

Evening Thoughts...

This has been the good sort of day.

Not for any particular reasons. Just because.

Joy, even amidst tears.

I'd cried twice before coffee break this morning. Tears that caught me off guard both times. But not the lingering, hovering, exhausting grief that is sometimes there. Just moments of sadness, of deep emotion. And then they passed.

I've never stopped being surprised when the tears come. So many years of depression where they wouldn't flow at all. This last year and a half of challenges, where they came rarely.

I wonder if other people know what a priviledge it is when their tears flow freely? How beautiful that is?

I find the tears surprising and beautiful. They've been coming often these days, and sometimes, I still try to hide them. Hide them because they expose my heart, and the things that touch me deeply, and it is embarrassing in a culture that values solitary strength to cry often and freely. But, in these days, when I don't seem to have a choice, when the tears appear unannounced and flow freely; when they color my voice and redden my eyes, I am learning that it is okay for my heart to be exposed. That most won't reject it when it shows. That even when it is misunderstood, it is still valuable, and that compassion can be beautiful.

So, it was a day filled with joy, sometimes colored by tears.

There was laughter with a friend at work.

And an encouraging (if unfortunately short by necessity) coffee with a long-time friend.

Many questions to ponder.

Vietnamese take-0ut.

A lovely sun set.

I think I'm off to journal, just as soon as I write one more post with the Daily 5.

There is so much going on in me, and in my life these days, so much to process that journaling is starting to feel a bit overwhelming. I'm making it a habit to write, at least something, on a daily basis right now. Often that means grabbing ten minutes first thing in the morning, after I arrive at work, and before the day officially begins to recount the night's dreams, and get them off my mind a bit. I'm needing to remind myself of yet another of the helpful lessons I picked up from Anne Lamott - writing only what fits in a 1" frame. Breaking it down into small assignments. Taking it "bird by bird" as it were.

So, I'm off to tackle just one "bird", one little frame of thought for the evening.

Just as soon as I write the daily 5. This is one of those nights where I think they'll come easily.

Exalts and Renews Us

From the calendar on my desk this morning, and very timely given many of the things I've been thinking about lately...

"But as we have brought suffering into the world, God does all he can, without taking away our free will and so taking away our humanity, to change suffering from something that bruises and destroys us into something that exalts and renews us."
(Caryll Houselander)

Wednesday Morning

Time moves quickly these days it seems.

Which I suppose is infinitely better than the moments that were so painful that time simply seemed to stand still, one day bleeding into the next with little to separate them from each other.

I've hardly slept in three nights. Some combination of prayer and dreaming.

I'm spending much time pondering a moment of prayer I received early this month, that I think is helping me to understand, just a little why my own prayers and my own willingness to surrender are important. I'm hoping to be able to write more about that in the times to come.

I cried just a little on the way to work this morning. One of those moments when a memory hit, and the tears spilled over before I'd even realized they hit. I'm ashamed, sometimes, of just how soft my heart is, and I feel embarrassed to admit that I was crying over a memory of our dog, Shiloh, who died on the weekend. And yet, I'm needing to remind myself that compassion for all living things is a blessing, too.

I have a post in the works, describing the weekends from the month of August. The weekends have been stunning in their variety, and in the way they've shaped the weeks that they surrounded.

It promises to be another full day, with variety galore.

I'm grateful that our bookkeeper is back in the office, meaning I get a lunch hour without being interrupted by the need to answer the phones and deal with customers. I always appreciate that short break in the day more when I haven't had access to it for a few days.

And with that, I'm heading into the day, waiting to see what it holds.

Daily 5 - Day 14

Today's daily 5 includes:

1. a conversation with a dear friend
2. time to just care for myself by painting my fingernails and toenails and putting a clay mask on my face
3. chicken pitas for supper
4. enjoying the book I'm reading right now - even when it raises some questions in my mind
5. dreaming a little with my roommate about what we'll do on a trip we're tentatively planning for the fall
   

What greeting are you?

I actually kind of liked this one... it seemed like the results were appropriate to who I am... Plus, the picture is cute :)

You Are "How Are You?"

When you ask someone what's going on in her life, you truly want to know. You are very genuine. You are a compassionate and empathetic person. You want the best for everyone. Your life is an open book, and you appreciate it when other people are open with you. Once someone is your friend, she'll be a friend for life. You value friendship that much.

What Greeting Are You?

Daily 5 - Day 13

I'm too tired to write much of an introduction. Today was a somehow very "normal" (not that there really is a status quo for me) day. There aren't many things from the day that stand out strongly. But maybe that's the point. To find joy in the everyday moments and little things? It's definitely harder to make the list on the "normal" days. But, I'm working at it anyway.

So, here's today's "daily 5":

1. Getting a chance to tell the husband of a friend how much I appreciated him. With the vast majority of my married friends, our relationship and conversation is quite different depending on whether or not their husband is present. With A. & B. , we would have exactly the same conversation whether or not he was with us. Both of them have made the effort to genuinely include the people who are part of their spouses' life, and both of them communicate with their words and actions that they genuinely care about you, and they brought these characteristics to their marriage. In any case, I felt privileged to have the chance to express to B. how much I'd appreciated that he has always made me feel valued.
2. a decent day at work, without too many stresses
3. great leftover pasta from last-night for both lunch and supper today
4. collecting a few hugs from A.
5. getting a compliment on my writing from a few unexpected directions.
   

Catch-up

Today has been a "catch-up" day so far.

All the things that didn't get done last week when I was insanely busy.

A catch-up meeting with my boss, filling her in on the issues that arose last week, and discussing plans and concerns for the coming week.

Making a long list of the things from home that also need to be caught up.

I'm going to a going-away party later tonight to catch up with friends who are about to move across the country before they embark on this newest adventure.

I'm hoping to catch up on some blogging thoughts from the last couple of weekends (both of which have been unusually full in their own ways) too.

Rose of Lima

Yesterday was the feast day for St. Rose of Lima. I have a particular affinity for this "first Saint of the New World" who comes from Peru, the country my heart is so drawn to.

You can read more about Rose of Lima here.

The calendar that sits on my desk, a gift from a friend, had the following quote from Rose, which I also liked for it's simplicity in restating what Jesus taught.

"When we serve the poor and the sick, we serve Jesus. We must not fail to help our neighbors, because in them we serve Jesus." (Saint Rose of Lima)

Daily 5 - Day 12

Today's daily 5:

1. Mt. Indefatigueable - seen above - I loved discovering that this was the name of the mountain I'd sat down across from today. It reminded me of a God who doesn't grow weary, and who invites all those who are weary to come to him and find rest.
2. The farmer's market - supplied my breakfast (bacon & cheese quiche), my lunch (mango thai chicken salad), and dessert for my supper (a "Sand Rose" - a pastry concoction with a chocolate crumb crust, filled with this delicious praline cream)
3. Driving (which is not my favorite thing) and listening to a collection of much needed sermons and music (which is why I appreciate the driving - it gives me uninterrupted time to listen that I don't find many other places in my life)
4. Mom being willing to give me a cranio-sacral treatment, to help ease my often sore neck and shoulders
5. A day spent hanging out with Jesus and filled with surprise object lessons, times of grief and tears and confusion, moments of beauty, and little confirmations that were much needed.
   

Hijacked by a guy named Stan

So, it seems that God had a bit of an object lesson in mind for me today.

As I drove out to the lake I was listening to a sermon preached by a guy named Graham Cooke on "Overcoming Negativity". One of the things I noticed in passing was a point he made about losing joy because we are putting it off. A mindset that says, "I'll be glad when such and such ends, or when so and so leaves."

Within minutes of settling myself on a blanket to write (I'd written less than two paragraphs!), a canoe quite literally beached itself in front of me. A canoe manned by a guy named Stan. The winds were too strong for him to make his way back to the spot on the other end of the lake where he was camped, and they forced him ashore.

Stan was a chatty individual, and, though I'd made it clear in the first five minutes of our conversation that I came out to spots like the one I'd made for myself this morning to get away from the city and people and just have some quiet, breathing space, he settled in to talk. Standing, sitting, squatting, kneeling - he chatted with me for a good 45 minutes.

I have been raised to be polite, so I very nicely answered all of his questions and even asked a few in return, but internally I was having a conniption fit. I knew what he could not - that I had planned a limited amount of time in my day for this quiet time of reading and writing before I needed to climb back into George and return to the city. I began to wonder when he'd leave, and God very promptly reminded me of the sermon I'd only just finished listening to, and of my ongoing goal to choose life and joy.

Let me tell you, it wasn't an easy thing. I'd really wanted that time alone, and I've never liked chatting with complete strangers in the first place.

Over and over again I forced myself to focus on Stan, and the conversation we were having, and not to think about the time I'd so desired that was being lost to me. It sort of worked. It certainly got my attention and brought focus to a lesson.

How often do I do that? Cheat myself out of joys in the moment because I'd rather be someplace else or with someone else? I think the answer is disturbingly often.

In any case, when Stan finally left I only had a little bit of time left to sit by the lake. I spent it finishing a few thoughts in my journal, eating the lunch I'd brought, reading a few pages in the book I'm currently working my way through, and taking photos. Because it would seem that Stan's canoe looked quite stunning against the grass and water and mountains and sky.

Breathing Space

I'm going to some mountains, to find a lake today (a different lake than usual) to sit by. I'm going to sit with my journal, a bible, a couple of books I'm reading, and get some breathing space.

Today is a day for memories. I'll probably write more about that later.

But it's also a day to remember, be thankful, and embrace life and joy.

I borrowed a really good camera again, because I'm still loving photography, and would like to capture the things I see and find beauty in.

So, I'm getting out of bed. I'll find some breakfast, and maybe pack a lunch. I need a blanket to sit on, and a bag with my books and journal. And then I'm heading out.

I've got some great teaching and music to listen to while I drive.

Sometimes Calgary starts to feel smothering, and, after this week, all the crazyness of the office, Shiloh, and some other stuff, I'm needing breathing space. I usually find that in the mountains, so today I'm going to a spot I've been to often since childhood, to find that breathing space.

Daily 5 - Day 11

So... this was a day of incredible contrasts. Sobbing as I talked on the phone with Mom and learned that Shiloh was gone. Laughing at my favorite play that "Shakespeare in the Park" puts on each summer. Time with people, and time alone. Joy and sorrow touch. Five things are a bit of a challenge today, but I'm going to give it a shot. In no particular order:

1. The "Ophelia drowning" scene done in reverse during "The Complete Works of William Shakespeare, Abridged"
2. a glass of wine while sitting, thinking, listening praying
3. mango Thai veggie salad
4. finding some fun new nail polish colors at the store tonight
5. laughing and crying with my mom over memories of Shiloh this morning
   

Shiloh

I received a call late yesterday afternoon from my mom. I was still at work, and it was absolutely the wrong space to call me and deliver that sort of news, but she was in a hurry, and didn't have a choice. She and my dad were calling each of us. J., T., and I, to let us know that the family pet, Shiloh, had been increasingly ill all week, and they were on their way to the veterinarian, where, if he was suffering at all, they would have him put down.

Shiloh has been with us since I was in seventh grade. My parents were big on responsibility, and when their three children began making noise about getting a pet, it became a teaching opportunity. There was research involved. We could each choose the sort of pet we were interested in, and we would then need to present our parents with a fact sheet on the pricing, care and supplies necessary for the type of pet we were interested in. J. famously researched a ferret, absolutely convinced that this would be the best pet ever. I believe that idea was shot down because ferrets aren't always the greatest with babies, and, at the time, mom was providing child care for a baby of a friend in our home a few days a week.

Fact sheets led to our first air-breathing pets (we'd had tropical fish for quite some time), given to us by friends. Brent and Jack were the first in a succession of hamsters, with whom we did all sorts of things. We put them in one of those clear plastic "hamster balls" and let them roll all over the house. (One of the hamsters, I don't remember which one, always headed straight for the stairs and rolled himself down the staircase.) There were the inevitable bites. The forcing them to squish up their bodies so that we could laugh as they crawled through the tubes from a roll of toilet paper. The fights over who's turn it was to clean the cages. The most famous incident in family hamster lore is the suicidal hamster, whose wheel was attached to the side of his cage. He would climb the wall of the cage like a ladder, lay on his back on top of the wheel, and roll himself off, headfirst. He was found one morning, in a little heap. The suspicion has always been that he landed just the wrong way while playing his dangerous little game one night, and broke his neck.

Somehow, the hamsters convinced mom and dad that we were capable of more responsibility, and, when I was in seventh grade, we started visiting the local animal shelter, looking for a dog. Dad had grown up with dogs, and I think he wanted that experience for his children as well.

Shiloh caught all of our attention. He wasn't crazy or barking, but genuinely seemed to like people. There was a waiting list, and we weren't the first, but we were delighted when we were called and told that we could come meet him privately, and see if he was a match. He was.

There are so many memories of Shiloh. We're fairly certain that he'd been abused and abandoned before we adopted him. When we first got him, we weren't certain how housebroken he was, and the first full evening we needed to go out, we shut him in the laundry room in the basement, where the cement floor wouldn't come to any harm should an "accident" occur. He panicked. We came home to no mess, but the back half of the door was chewed off to about half-way up. If we'd been gone much longer, he'd have made it through the front door.

There were years of fighting over who had to "scoop" - the dreaded job, especially in the spring when everything that had built up between snowstorms had melted to the grass.

And there were annoying moments. He was a lover of people, and a lover of people food. He stole more than his share of treats over the years (half the filling of TWO pumpkin pies, a bunch of fruitcakes, a variety of cookies, a few steaks, and other treats). He had this annoying habit of expressing his joy at seeing you by running at you full speed, barking with glee. (He scared a lot of little kids this way, despite being the most gentle animal ever.) He'd whine and beg if you didn't pay enough attention to him, and one of my favorite of his habits was the way he'd plant himself in front of you when you were sitting on the couch, and wait until you scratched his chest with your foot. If you did it a while, and stopped before he was ready, he'd lift a front paw and bat at your foot, with this look in his eye that said, "you still need to pay attention to me."

I'll be forever thankful that I stopped at my parent's house after work last night. I wasn't sure what I'd find, since I hadn't heard from them since mom had made that first call. They were at home, and so was Shiloh. The vet wasn't able to see them until 10 p.m. last night. I had dinner with mom and dad and an aunt and uncle and got to spend a few times saying goodbye to Shiloh, just in case. I asked mom not to call me last night. I didn't want the news right before needing to sleep.

I waited until an appropriate time this morning, and then I called to find out what had happened. Our pet died last night. Peacefully and quietly, at the vets office.

Mom and I cried together on the phone. Shared a few memories. And a few moments of laughter.

And, the we started talking about our plans for the day. And that was really the moment when I had to laugh instead of cry. One of the things mom was thinking about doing was returning a recently purchased, unopened bag of dog food. My imagination ran away with me as I pictured the scene, and I couldn't help but laugh at the thought of the poor clerk serving her today. "What's the reason you're returning this?" "Well, our dog died last night." I've worked retail for a lot of years, and I just wouldn't know what to say when presented with that as a reason for a product return. And mom and I laughed and laughed at the thought of that poor sales clerk!

Maybe my sense of humor is twisted, but I needed that thought this morning.

I must say that I found myself surprised at the capacity my heart had to love Shiloh. (Whom I mostly referred to in my fonder moments as baby.) To be honest, he was mostly an annoyance to me for the last several years. A leg injury a few years back, and some renovations in my parent's house shrunk his world until it really consisted of only the kitchen and backyard, and he made his inability to be with "his people" known through an annoying habit of whining and barking. I wasn't expecting to grieve quite like this for a pet.

But he's been part of our family for a lot of years. For most of the really and truly formative years of my life. And hearing my mom describe the last little bit of his life to me was both beautiful and heart-ripping.

Goodbye Shiloh. You were very much loved, a part of our family, and you'll be missed.

Musing, Waiting, Planning

I'm waiting for a phone call. News from my parents. I'll write about that later, probably, once I've heard.

I'm waiting for my roommate to get back from a run. She's running, and then she'll shower, and then we're going to the farmer's market.

I need to run to the AMA and pick up cheap movie tickets (I'm keeping my options for the weekend open.)

I'm probably going to attend a noon matinee of "The Complete Works of William Shakespeare, Abridged", put on by the Shakespeare in the Park Crew. Since I'll be downtown, near Eau Claire Market, I'll also probably stop at the Tibetan shop that I've often purchased favorite items from. (In fact, today I'm wearing the "twirling skirt" that I purchased there last summer.)

I'm sitting by the living room window, and there's a cool breeze blowing in. I'm grateful that the weather isn't predicted to be burningly hot today. Low to mid twenties. Perfect as far as I'm concerned.

I'm wearing scarves more regularly again, after a long hiatus. That speaks to deep shifts going on in my heart. I have this memory of being overseas, and someone speaking to me (though I don't remember what he said) of my scarves speaking about me, about my character. I haven't wanted to remember that. My scarves have so often been about prayer. About reminders of people and places and moments that have deeply impacted my heart. About intercession and living in the spaces that are so impossibly deep that at times it became impossible to understand the places where joy and sorrow mingled. I'm wearing scarves and color and light and joy more often. And that speaks to the deep changes going on within me.

Tonight I'll go to church, and then I'll come home. The house will be quiet - my roommate has plans. I'll come home and I'll probably put in "The God's Aren't Angry" - a teaching dvd Rob Bell did. I've watched it a couple of times this week. It's speaking to some of the things God is doing in my heart. Things I'm still holding close, mostly. So tonight, tonight I'll probably come home from church and let God speak to me through Rob Bell, and I'll probably sip a glass of wine while that happens.

Daily 5 - Day 10

I can't quite believe it's already the 10th day that I've stopped in here to list the five things that I've been grateful for, have found success, or even just a smile in over the course of the day. Today held the usual challenges and a few unexpected ones that I'll likely write about sometime over the weekend, but I'm so extremely grateful that it's now the weekend that I'm not really focusing on the challenges. I'm going to curl up on the couch and read for a while. And then I'm going to bed early. So, without further ado, today's daily five are:

1. Wearing jeans to work - love casual Friday
2. a standing lunch with a coworker
3. a hug from my mom amidst some other things
4. finding the children's book I was hunting for, and another book as a bonus
5. finally getting a number of things accomplished at work
   

Friday morning

I am so incredibly thankful that it's Friday.

This week has been insane, and I'm rather badly in need of a couple of days off.

I'm heading out to do errands after work tonight.

Ikea (we need an end table to put inside our front door, and a lampshade to put on the lamp we're going to put on the end table inside our front door.)

My parent's house to pick up mail.

Chapters - I'm looking for a particular children's book that is proving to be a bit difficult to track down.

I slept more peacefully last night than the previous few, but am feeling more tired and groggy this morning than the previous mornings.

I find myself playing the same songs and sermons on repeat these days. Needing to hear the encouragement, the challenges, the messages they offer to my heart over and over and over.

I'm debating weekend plans. Perhaps another afternoon movie? Or a trip to the mountains? The farmer's market for fresh produce? Maybe time spent doing something creative? A bit of cleaning? Hanging the art on our walls now that I've unpacked the last boxes? A trip to goodwill or some other thrift shop to donate the excess that I've pared down from the move? Maybe just sitting in my favorite park with my journal and a book? Church is in the plans, that much I know.

In any case, there is work to be accomplished at the office before any of those things can be truly considered, so perhaps it's time to focus and accomplish that!

What season is your soul connected to?

This result made me chuckle. Mostly because for the first time ever, this year I've been really looking forward to fall. Summer has been hard, and I've been looking forward to a change in season quite badly. Needing it in my personal life as well as in the day to day of the world. And looking forward to rains, cooler temperatures (though this summer has been thankfully full of rain and cool temperatures, much to the chagrin of most) and new things that come with a new season.

Your Soul Is Connected to the Fall

You are a somewhat sensitive soul with a tough exterior. You are street smart and wise about the world. You have the heart of a poet, but you're not too eager to let anyone else see it. You are very creative and deeply talented. You are still looking for the perfect outlet for your expression. You embrace change and think the cycles of life are beautiful. You don't shrink away from the darker elements of life.

What Season is Your Soul Connected To?

Daily 5 - Day 9

It was another day (though less so than the last three) that made it hard to find joyful and thankful things. So, I pondered rather hard, wondering about some of the challenges of the day, and what there was in them to be thankful for. I came up with a few, and then, because I've had a lovely and relaxing evening, am able to add a few more to round out my daily list of 5.

1. I am thankful that, on the days when I'm so scattered that I forget to pack food, or that I haven't grocery shopped, I am able to walk to any number of restaurants in a wide variety of ethnicities and styles of food, healthy and not, and feed myself. There are options, and that's something to be thankful for.
2. I unpacked the last box tonight from moving. There is still sorting and a bit of cleaning to do, but it is nice feeling of accomplishment to know that I could finally mark "unpacking" off my to do list.
3. I was able to care for myself tonight, and remember that caring for myself looks differently at different times. Sometimes it means stopping all activity. Tonight it meant accomplishing a fairly long list of little items that had been hanging over my head, but doing them at a leisurely and enjoyable pace.
4. I'm grateful for clean sheets to crawl into on my bed later tonight and clean laundry, and a washer and dryer in my apartment. I'm remembering what it was like when I unexpectedly did not have access to laundry for nearly a month while traveling a while back, and how great it is to have things like fresh sheets every week, and clean clothes when I need them.
   
5. Various products from The Body Shop made me smile tonight - a facemask, a shampoo and conditioner I love, my skin-care products and a number of other products that I use almost daily and am grateful for.
   

Slightly Passive Agressive

I am having the sort of week where nothing that I rather badly need to get accomplished is getting finished because I'm being stopped every 10-30 minutes by someone who desperately needs my help with some project or other. This is the reason I shut myself into my office this morning to accomplish the one major task that absolutely had to be finished this week. In the meantime, the constant demands for help and attention, and the totally scattered way in which this week has progressed is wearing on my nerves and beginning to inspire profanity (yes, I do occasionally use profanity - though I'm trying to curb it again, a process I've gone through every couple of years since junior high school.)

I just lectured a photocopier. There was a paper jam that someone else didn't bother to try to clear before calling me. Once I'd cleared it, I had two immediate mini-jams in succession. So, as I cleared them I lectured the photocopier about how I had things to do, none of which were being accomplished this week, and could it please work with me. It's laughable, really, and absolutely passive agressive, but funny in a way, when you consider that due to the fact that I was the receptionist for two and a half years before taking my current position, I know the photocopier here so well that it is typically referred to by other teasing staff members as either my baby or my boyfriend.

And, to be quite honest, I felt a little better for that ridiculous moment of lecturing and passive agression. Maybe just because I realized the ridiculousness of it, became thankful that the day is very nearly over, and was able to laugh.

Trying hard

I spent the morning shut up in my office, doing math. Those of you who know me will know that I am NOT a numbers sort of person, and that two plus hours of calculations will have left me exhausted.

I realized as I got up to grab my lunch, that I'd been so distracted by other things (laundry!) this morning that I'd forgotten to bring anything with me. I didn't bring lunch yesterday, either, because we were out of groceries. And I have a standing lunch appointment on Fridays that also requires a purchase of lunch. So much for "not eating out" as a cost cutting measure. However, there is enough left over from today's lunch that I won't have to cook dinner tonight, or that if I choose to cook dinner, I can have leftovers for lunch or dinner tomorrow or Saturday. It hasn't been a great day food wise - I realized this morning that I'd purchased the wrong granola bars (my usual breakfast) at the grocery store last night, and am facing a week or two of eating the less preferable option to use up the ones I purchased.

Happenings around the office continue to be wild and crazy. I have a list of items that I'll need to discuss with my boss when she returns to the office on Monday. Most of them are challenges that I've attempted to address several times this week, and haven't been able to get answers on, so I'll need to push them up the ladder. This morning saw more frustrations as I realized yet again how many communication problems we have in this office, and how one staff member in particular just ignores them rather than addressing them.

I'm looking forward to a quiet evening at home tonight. My roommate has plans to be out for the evening, and I will probably enjoy the quiet. I'll likely pop a few episodes of "The West Wing" or the latest Rob Bell teaching dvd in my dvd player, and go about my evening. I have some writing to do, and some laundry. Various bits of cleaning, a few emails to catch up on, and, quite frankly a need to pamper myself a little and also spend some time reading.

I'm trying hard. That's the phrase that feels like it sums up my days right now. Trying hard to excel at my job, without getting sucked into the ever present swirl of very real challenges that inspire anger, frustration and stress. Trying hard to remember to hunt for the things that make me smile. Trying hard not to harbor anger. Trying hard to process the many deep things going on in my heart these days. Trying hard to choose life and joy and hope and peace.

Trying hard is pretty exhausting. I've been in bed before 10:30 two nights in a row now. (An unheard of occurrence!) It hasn't made a huge difference, given the odd sleep experiences I've been having again, but I figure every little bit helps, and I just haven't had the energy to keep going past that time.

Odd Night

I've passed a couple of odd semi-waking, semi-sleeping nights in a row.

I honestly can't say if what I'm experiencing are dreams. I just don't know quite how to categorize them quite frankly. I'm concious enough to know that I'm in my own bed. Awake enough to be aware when I've become uncomfortable and need to shift positions.

And yet, I'm somewhere else entirely.

And often aware of praying for the people and things I'm experiencing.

Sometimes this is a disturbing and restless thing, leaving me exhausted on waking. Sometimes it isn't. I like the nights when it isn't exhausting the best.

Ah well, on into the day. It's looking like I will be able to hole up in my office this morning and get some things accomplished without interruption. And for that, I'm grateful.

Daily 5 - Day 8

Today was another challenging day. On the beautiful and smooth and restful days, you can choose any one of a myriad of options to make up a list of 5 things. It's a whole lot harder to find 5 things on the days that feel like they've beaten you up. And when you have several of those days in a row, when you're trying so hard to focus differently, to experience life more joyfully and positively, it can actually become quite discouraging. To be trying so hard, and then just feel like life is working extremely hard (and effectively) to test that resolve for change.

So, here are my 5 for today:

Image via Wikipedia

1. Re-stocking my stash of peanut m&m's
2. a moment of clarity while journaling early this morning
3. an evening that has been quiet and peaceful
4. a coworker and friend being back in the office today
5. a smooth grocery shopping trip tonight (the grocery store is huge, usually kind of dirty and disorganized, often has stock issues, and I refer to it as the "soul-sucking mega store" so when grocery shopping goes quickly and smoothly it is something to make you smile!)
   

Ufff...

Tomorrow morning I'm following through on what I've been threatening all week. I'm closing my office door for a couple hours, so that I can't be disturbed. This has been the week where suddenly everyone has needed a piece of my time and attention. I've rarely had a 20 minute span without someone stopping into my office or stopping me in the hallways to see about something that needs to be taken care of. So tomorrow morning I'm going to close the door for a bit and see if that helps. I badly need to get a project under control, and I can't think of another way to get it done.

I really do have some great things to blog about too, but this week has been so busy that I've been doing well to snatch 10 or 15 minutes either before work or during my lunch hour to jot a few thoughts in my journal, never mind to get to blogging them. And right now my journal is definitely needing to be a priority.

In the meantime, here are a couple of things that caught my attention today:

This blog post (which I read quite some time ago, and came across again today) about changing seasons - a powerful quote from Graham Cooke.

This blog post about self-pity.

Quote of the Day

I'm having another one of those crazy, run off my feet kind of days. That's three in a row now, if you happen to be counting (not that I am or anything.)

So, while I'm busy exclaiming "Holy Cannoli!" and reminding myself to smile and breathe, I'll leave you with a quote from the calendar that sits on my desk. While I don't quite agree with the extremity of her position, it did make me stop and ponder.

"I have long since come to believe that people never mean half of what they say, and that it is best to disregard their talk and judge only their actions."
(Servant of God Dorothy Day)

Daily 5 - Day 7

Today's 5 things:

1. Leftover mexican food for dinner.
2. a short phone call that left me slightly encouraged
3. having time to shower in between work and going out for the evening (not necessary, but refreshing after a difficult day)
4. a gift of a Jewish calendar that my roommate purchased for me on the weekend because she knew I'd really appreciate it.
   
5. our temporary receptionist volunteering to stay a bit longer than usual to cover the phones so I could have at least a bit of a lunch break.

I'm pretty tired, and I've had two very people and challenge filled days in a row. I think I'm off to curl up in bed, do some devotions, and then just fall asleep watching a dvd. I'm loving the fact that it's raining a bit again lately. The rain at least, is quite comforting. And I'm grateful that there is absolutely no particular reason for me to be up late tonight. Devotions, and then sleep. That's what I'm hoping for.

Holy Cannoli (Redux)

This has been an absolutely nutty day.

An all over the place roller-coaster, and there's still two and a half hours of work left, followed by an evening with a friend.

My g-chat status right now reads, "Breathe. Exclaim "Holy Cannoli!" Laugh at the ridiculous exclamation. Breathe again, and get back at it with a smile."

I think I need to add, "eat chocolate" before the bit about breathing again - it'll help with the smile.

And with that, I'm off to follow my own advice - find some chocolate, take another deep breath, and dive back in.

Challenging Morning

My "official" work day is not quite half an hour old, and I'm already having a challenging morning.

I've had a conversation in semi-official capacity, needing to encourage a particular (very new) staff member to stick it out. There was frustration over interaction with another staff member, and I needed to hold my own thoughts about that staff member in check, while communicating to the staff member I was talking to that there are definitely ways to work around the things that were discouraging her and causing her stress.

And then, then I got to deal with a lecture. Somewhat deserved I suppose. The way I responded to a particular question last night (though certainly unintentional) probably didn't present the best image to the person I was responding to, or to the client he was conversing with. So, I apologized, and I'll work on that in the future. But, at the same time, that moment underscored a far larger communication problem which the person lecturing me continually refuses to acknowledge.

So, I'm starting the day off already feeling frustrated. Which is making life more challenging these days, since I'm making a colossal effort to encounter life in a more joyful and positive manner.

It probably doesn't help that after a fantastic weekend, I found yesterday at the office to be particularly challenging in that regard. There are good reasons that my roommate has taken to referring to my place of employment as "The Soap Opera", and to some extent, those reasons were out in full force yesterday. It didn't help that because the staff person who usually covers my lunch breaks is away for a couple of days, there is really no one to replace her, and I essentially ended up working through my lunch hour yesterday as well (and probably will again today). I was definitely less than excited about the prospect of getting out of bed this morning and returning to the tensions of the office.

I went out for a very enjoyable dinner with a long-time friend last night, and ended up arriving home at exactly the same time as my roommate. We sat in the living room talking, and I found myself so exhausted from the day - from the challenges at work, from the various interactions with people, and from the colossal effort to not agree with all of the negative "voices" that habitually stir within me that I was once again in tears. My roommate has, thankfully, been very patient this summer as tears have continually spilled over. At least last night's stemmed mostly from exhaustion, and perhaps, just a little bit of discouragement over how difficult I'm finding this current challenge to make different choices.

So. I just had a telephone conversation that helped. I'm not feeling totally incompetent in my job. I'll watch the way I express myself.

And I'll remember that I had a really lovely and peaceful morning commute, listening to a sermon that eased my heart and reminded me that God is with me and will give strength even for these things that seem so disastrously hard. I'll sip tea. I'll choose to anticipate that my coworker (and friend with whom I vent a little to blow off the frustrations of the office) returns tomorrow. I'll play music that causes my heart to focus on all the beautiful (if challenging and hard) things that Jesus is doing in my heart right now. And I'll plan to play a good, encouraging, we believe in miracles, sort of charismatic sermon driving home again. Because by that time, I'll probably need it.

Daily 5 - Day 6

Today was a much more challenging day. Very hard to find the positive things. Very hard to find smiles and joy. And very, very long. So, instead of having time to write about yesterday, or taking time to write about today, I'm going to put both of those things off for another day or two, and go to bed.

But, first, today's daily 5:

1. Blackberries from the farmer's market
2. Mexican food for dinner
3. the company of a long time friend and lots of laughs
4. listening to a sermon driving home, while desperately in need of some encouragement and finding it there
5. wearing "hope" that a friend mailed to me recently around my neck all day (and receiving a few compliments on it, and the earrings that match it.)
   

Several from Henri

It's been a little while since I've shared from Henri Nouwen, but here are a few that I've been storing up in my inbox.

Keeping the Peace in Our Hearts

Whatever we do in the Name of Jesus, we must always keep the peace of Jesus in our hearts. When Jesus sends his disciples out to preach the Gospel, he says: "Whatever town or village you go into, seek out someone worthy and stay with him until you leave. As you enter his house, salute it, and if the house deserves it, may your peace come upon it; if it does not, may your peace come back to you" (Matthew 10:11-13).

The great temptation is to let people take our peace away. This happens whenever we become angry, hostile, bitter, spiteful, manipulative, or vengeful when others do not respond favourably to the good news we bring to them.

Hiddenness, a Place of Intimacy

Hiddenness is an essential quality of the spiritual life. Solitude, silence, ordinary tasks, being with people without great agendas, sleeping, eating, working, playing ... all of that without being different from others, that is the life that Jesus lived and the life he asks us to live. It is in hiddenness that we, like Jesus, can increase "in wisdom, in stature, and in favour with God and with people" (Luke 2:51). It is in hiddenness that we can find a true intimacy with God and a true love for people.

Even during his active ministry, Jesus continued to return to hidden places to be alone with God. If we don't have a hidden life with God, our public life for God cannot bear fruit.

Hiddenness, a Place of Purification

One of the reasons that hiddenness is such an important aspect of the spiritual life is that it keeps us focused on God. In hiddenness we do not receive human acclamation, admiration, support, or encouragement. In hiddenness we have to go to God with our sorrows and joys and trust that God will give us what we most need.

In our society we are inclined to avoid hiddenness. We want to be seen and acknowledged. We want to be useful to others and influence the course of events. But as we become visible and popular, we quickly grow dependent on people and their responses and easily lose touch with God, the true source of our being. Hiddenness is the place of purification. In hiddenness we find our true selves.

Clinging to God in Solitude

When we enter into solitude to be with God alone, we quickly discover how dependent we are. Without the many distractions of our daily lives, we feel anxious and tense. When nobody speaks to us, calls on us, or needs our help, we start feeling like nobodies. Then we begin wondering whether we are useful, valuable, and significant. Our tendency is to leave this fearful solitude quickly and get busy again to reassure ourselves that we are "somebodies." But that is a temptation, because what makes us somebodies is not other people's responses to us but God's eternal love for us.

To claim the truth of ourselves we have to cling to our God in solitude as to the One who makes us who we are.

Here We Go...

It promises to be a busy day.

But it's going to wrap up with Mexican food for dinner, with one of my oldest friends. Well, oldest in that I've known her the longest. Because actually, we share a birthday, and I'm just a few hours older than her. On the other hand, she's about a foot taller than me.

I'll be putting the procedure I wrote for work last night into action this morning. And then I suspect I'll be revising it yet again.

Ah well...

And with that, I'm diving in...

Here goes!

Goodnight world

I had really great intentions of stopping in here and talking in detail about my weekend, but that's not going to happen. I'm going to bed. Relatively early for me. And I feel like I just might sleep!

I'll talk about the weekend in the next few days, but, for the moment, let me just say that it was absolutely wonderful.

I can't remember the last time I could say that. It's been several months at least.

So I'm grateful, and peaceful, and feeling joy, and I'm headed for rest.

Goodnight world!

Daily 5 - Day 5

Image via Wikipedia

Today was fabulous, and I'll get around to writing about it eventually, but in the meantime, here are the daily 5:

1. Fresh, juicy, in-season blackberries from the farmer's market
2. another solo movie experience, and having the movie be fantastic (Julie & Julia - more thoughts on that coming soon too)
3. accomplishing most of the major things on my (long) list for the weekend, and yet feeling like I was rested and joyful.
4. getting my feet wet while journaling in "my" spot in the park
5. Hanging out with the gorillas at the zoo this morning and learning some new things about them from an interpretive talk.
   

Full Day, but good.

I have had a very full day. An oddly full weekend, actually.

But it has been good. Very good even.

I have lots to share.

Later.

Right now, I'm eating dinner, and going to tackle the work I brought home.

Then I'm going to finish up a writing project I've been working on all weekend, and probably do a bit of cleaning.

It's been a good day.

And that is a very nice change.

Catching my attention:

This post at Hope's blog grabbed me today, because of the lyrics she quoted (though I admit to not particularly enjoying the song) and because of a conversation I had earlier this week about St. Maximillian Kolbe (that video is most definitely worth watching.)

This article about rebuilding from an earthquake in Peru, two years on.

These lyrics. More on that coming sometime soon.

Daily 5 - Day 4

Today's daily 5 moments of joy etc.:

1. a fantastic and challenging sermon at church tonight
2. seeing a movie solo this afternoon
3. a day that felt quite peaceful for the first time in a while
4. plans to spend the next hour or so curled up in bed, writing a piece that's been stirring in my heart for several days
5. leftover vietnamese food for dinner
   

Couldn't Pass This Up (Church Signs)

I'll admit to being alternately mildly amused or mostly disgusted by the trend that has emerged in recent years for churches to put attempts at pithy humor on their signboards. (Has anyone ever actually visited a church because the sign read "God answers knee-mail"?)

In any case, as I was driving home tonight, I did a double take and began laughing out loud. May I recommend checking your spelling if you're trying to post wisdom on your church sign board for the world to read. There was a high degree of humorous irony when I read the following on a church sign board near my home:

God is perfect. People make misteaks.

I mean, you see these things on the internet from time to time, but it was just too funny to see this one in person. I'm debating going back tomorrow and taking a photo!

Saturday Mid-day

I'm having a fairly restful and peaceful Saturday. Sort of a nice change of pace actually.

I've done some errands (and have more to do).

I went and got a massage (so thankful for insurance coverage!)

I saw a movie solo.

And now, I think I'm going to take a nap. I made it home and my energy is waning. I'm hoping to go to church tonight, but right now, I think I need to sleep.

Daily 5 - Day 3

Today was officially nuts.

For the first time I've brought work home with me. Nothing too major, but a process and procedure that definitely needs to be rewritten before I have to rely on it on Monday morning.

I followed work up with a work related errand (and another one to come tomorrow), a stop at a bookstore (yep, came away with purchases, what else is new!), a quick grocery trip, and then an evening at my parent's house, letting my mom feed and love on me, and watching a movie together.

But, there were some great moments, so, without further ado, and before I head off to journal and hopefully sleep, here's today's daily 5:

Image via Wikipedia

1. Listening to the same song (Jesus Lover of My Soul: It's all About You) on repeat for my entire commute this morning, and letting it resonate in my heart.
2. Watching "Chariots of Fire" with mom (and dad at times) and being challenged again by the depth conviction of Eric Liddell, and moved by the music (and remembering the first synchro duet my partner and I ever choreographed and self-coached, performed to music from "Chariots of Fire")
3. A few blackberries snitched from the fresh ones mom bought at the farmer's market today, and mom being willing to make popcorn (a favorite snack of our family, consumed in enormous quantities) at my request, because it had been quite some time since I'd had good homemade salted and buttered popcorn.
   
4. Wearing jeans to work.
5. Waking up this morning and feeling like sleep had brought a bit of rest.
   

Yikes.

If yesterday was a bit of a "holy cannoli" exclamation day, today is triply so.

I cannot believe the number of things that have come my way this morning. I can't believe it's noon and I'm just now sitting down at my own desk after being involved in several other projects all morning. And I cannot believe the number of things left to do this afternoon. For one of the first times in the history of my employment I may be taking a bit of work home with me this weekend. It's fairly important that I spend a bit of time to re-order and re-vamp the new hire orientation, since it didn't work incredibly smoothly the last time I did it, and we have another new-hire coming in on Monday morning and requiring orientation.

I have a bunch of thoughts stirring and brewing to write some posts later today or over the weekend. And a few more quotes to share as well.

Daily 5 - Day 2

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Here are today's five moments of laughter, joy, smiling, success etc. The moments I'm celebrating and finding life in today:

1. A friend of mine had the following as her facebook status this morning, loosely paraphrased by me, "My daughter peed on the kitchen floor. She was trying to be a good girl and clean it up. Unfortunately, she used a broom." I laughed off and on all day as I pictured her rather precocious, curious daughter (who must be around 3 or so now) trying to fix her mistake and be "good" by helping to clean up the mess she'd made, but going about it in a less than helpful way!
2. Peanut M&M's are high on my list of things that satisfied and brought smiles today
   
3. A glass of red wine from a bottle left for me by a dear friend
4. A realization that certain things I've been struggling with don't have to make me a victim - that I have a certain degree of choice in that.
5. Finding a book that I am really enjoying reading, and feeling inspired to learn again, even if it was something as little as looking up the definition of protean (see my post earlier today) and reveling in the knowledge of a new word, rolling it around within me and letting the joy that came from a bit of a revival of a love of learning (I haven't felt that in a while) roll around inside me for a bit.

And, with that list of five, I'm off to finish up a few emails, and then curl up in bed with my journal and book, and then hopefully sleep deeply and well tonight.

Holy Cannoli

My current favorite exclamation when feeling slightly overwhelmed is "holy cannoli!" I don't know where it came from, but I find myself using it rather frequently these days.

I'm having a "holy cannoli" kind of day today. A bit shocked at the variety in the day. From moments of completely deadness, with nothing on my plate, to moments where the amount of things on my list seem to be overflowing.

In other news, I was reading over lunch since our server was down and I couldn't give my brain a rest by playing a game online. In the book I'm reading, I came across a word I was familiar with, but couldn't define, even given the context in which it was used. The word was "protean" and the definition can be found here, but it essentially means that something is flexible or changeable. (I hear some of you who know me well, jumping at the joke to be made here, the one that says no wonder that I didn't know the word, it would certainly never be applied to me!) Having read the defintion, the word makes total sense in the context in which it was used.

I'm noticing, already, a difference in me, by making the commitment I wrote about yesterday to show up here with a daily list of five things that in some way brought joy. I'm more aware of the little moments in the day that I'm laughing, of the things that truly made my insides smile. I'm more aware of the things I'm thankful for, because I'm focusing on them, jotting them down, so I can choose the best of them to make my list for the day later tonight.

One of those things that made me chuckle was a facebook status update from a friend (actually two different status updates have made me laugh today, but one is a serious contender for my list tonight, so I'll leave it for now). His status read: So and So used to have a handle on life, but it broke. And oh how I chuckled in knowingness.

And with that, holy cannoli! I've got things that must get done by the end of the afternoon, and I'm off to tackle the list!

A Variety of Quotes

There have been a variety of quotes stacking up in my inboxes, or in notes I've jotted to myself the last few days, all of which have hit my heart quite hard, and I'm feeling compelled to share at least a few here this morning.

This one, from an email I received, struck a chord, as I have been in the midst of so much relational upheaval, and finding both trust and the need to not lash out (I haven't been successful) a very challenging thing:

"Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none." (William Shakespeare)

This next one appeared yesterday on the calendar that sits on my desk. It didn't hit me quite so hard at the time, but as I revisited it this morning, it struck, as I've wrestled with what it means to love and bless, even when my heart is not in it:

"Did the Lord Jesus choose? Did he not offer his arms wide open to the nails of the cross so that no one might be excluded from his love, be that person the most selfish and most ungrateful of human beings. ... The Lord Jesus suffered and died for all. In the name of his love, all, without exception, have a right to your love." (Little Sister Magdeleine of Jesus)

Daily 5 - Day 1

My five things for today include:

1. Deep gratefulness for "church" held in sitting in a van on a side street tonight
2. The slippers that were a gift from my original roommate, lined with sheepskin, and covered in a pattern of kiwi fruit.
3. Clean sheets on my bed tonight
4. A much needed hug and smile from a friend
5. Hope that arrived by mail from a friend.
   

Daily 5: Introduction

I'm needing to refocus some things in my life. And I'm definitely needing help to find the moments of joy and gratitude in my life.

I've talked often and written often here about smile lists. About how I read once upon a time that making a list of things you were grateful for actually has the same effect on your brain chemistry as a mild dose of anti-depressant.

So, let me introduce you to the daily 5. Once a day for a while, I'm going to list 5 things I'm grateful for, or five things that made me smile that day, or 5 little successes or accomplishments from that day, or some combination thereof. And I'm going to do it here, because, well, it's my blog, and it seemed a good enough place for it. I'll probably be repetitive for a while too, and I'm okay with that. I'm a bit out of practice at searching for the joyful bits of life, and sometimes the same simple thing really does give me that little bit of a smile day in and day out.

Sometimes it's just in noticing that there is actually something that drew a smile, however minute that smile was, that the hope comes. I experienced that today. As I'd already mentioned, the weekend was hard, as I've already mentioned. Really hard. But today, for the first time in several days, I began to feel like I was emerging. There were little moments that drew a half smile, and even one out loud snicker. And it was such an unusual experience to feel that again that it caught my attention. It reminded me that there is hope, and that the growth within my heart that seemed to have been taken out in a massive landslide can grow again. That the things that felt stomped on can be cared for and receive light and nourishment and be revived.

So, watch for the daily 5, starting sometime later tonight!

What if I said it out loud?

What if I said it out loud? That's the question that's been echoing in my head for the last few days.

What if I said out loud that I am absolutely, madly in love with this God who will not let me go, and that, despite that, I am also terribly, burningly angry with that same God?

What if I admitted that I just don't know how to reconcile this lover who has so doggedly pursued me in the last two years with the God who has stood by while my life has fallen into chaos and despair?

What if I said that I understand the hope and desperation that Job was feeling when he cried out, "I know my redeemer lives and in the end he will stand upon the earth, and though my flesh be destroyed, I will see him with my own eyes. I myself, and not another." And then what if I said that I find myself saying "the hope of those moments is not enough when there is a Jesus who spoke of life abundant on earth."

What if I said that I am nearly equally convinced and unconvinced that there will be an end to all of this, that I will pull through this space that has been so tormented, and that I will find hope and joy and a beautiful, full, rich life?

What if I said that as much as it makes me cringe, and feels like a regimented legalism, I think I'm being asked to simply check some things off a list every day? To re-establish some habits that have died in the midst of this space.

What if I said that I don't understand how Jesus can promise a life abundant, and then stand by while the enemy torments those who have offered their lives to Jesus?

What would happen if I said all those things out loud, say in a public spot, like, oh, a blog?

Would the world cave in or come suddenly to a halt?

Would I be shamed for being less than whole?

What happens if I say it out loud?

The Soap Opera Relief

My roommate has fondly referred to my place of employment for some time now as "the soap opera."

Anyone who knows me well knows that my company has more than it's share of drama for such a small organization, and that we seem to attract all kinds of truly unique characters. Anyone who knows me well will also know that these tendencies have caused a rather high degree of stress in my life, especially over the last two years or so.

Thus, knowing those things, you'll understand why my mom totally cracked up, when, in the midst of a rather serious conversation we were having this evening, I somewhat dryly and sarcastically confessed, "Work was a welcome relief today. It was so nice to just focus on that for a bit and not think about all the other things." My mom, had the context of having phoned me at work first thing this morning, and caught me mid-way into my second meltdown of the day (within the first hour!), over things that have absolutely nothing to do with work. With that context, and her knowledge of all of the drama that my place of employment has encompassed, she found my comment particularly funny.

And it was funny to me too. For that moment we laughed together, before returning to the main conversation which once again had me in tears. The "soap opera" was a welcome relief! In fact, in some ways, that thought, and the memory of the conversation, of drawing that laughter with my tone, is still making me laugh. And tonight I definitely need the laugh!

Long Day, long weekend

Today at work was long. But, to be honest, it was kind of a nice distraction. It was nice to lose myself in what I was doing there, even the really mundane things, for a while.

I'm headed out tonight to grocery shop, and then to make a stop at my parent's place to pick up some mail and see my mom for a short treatment - one that will hopefully allow me to sleep better tonight, and feel a bit more rested and recovered tomorrow.

What does your walk say about you?

Forgive me for posting yet another quiz, but this one did make me smile.

Your Walk Says You're Approachable

You are intelligent, thoughtful, and even philosophical. You like to go unnoticed for the most part. Other people see you as humble and down to earth. You don't put on airs. You are careful, thoughtful, and detail oriented. You tend to test people's patience, but your patience pays off. You are a kid at heart. You love to have fun and believe that life is for living.

What Does Your Walk Say About You?

Saint Clare

I have a particular affinity for St. Clare of Assisi. Those of you who know me well will know that most days I wear a medallion with her image around my neck. That I often reach for it, that it speaks to me of hope and encouragement and joy.

Today is Clare's feast day, which is somehow oddly encouraging on a day when I am struggling deeply to find joy.

I followed this link, and read about her today, and was reminded of other bits and pieces I've read about her over the years. And somehow, this story, this simple young woman who lived a life devoted to Jesus, is touching my heart and giving just a little bit of hope again today.

Are you going to live like it?

Hope posted this today from a dream she'd had.

It was particularly deeply striking, after a conversation I'd had today.

What College Are You?

The results of this one made me chuckle. Partly because the statements are fairly true to who I am. But mostly because Reed is the school that Donald Miller talks about in "Blue Like Jazz". It's the school featured in one of my favorite scenes in that book - the confession booth scene - a scene that I loved for the backwardness of grace that it demonstrated.

You Are Reed

You love learning for its own sake, even more the most people. You believe that education is all about the experience... not about the degree. You prefer to go to an institution with other serious students and accessible professors. You rather be with people who are truly interested in ideas, not in showing how smart they are.

What College Are You?

Oh What a Day....

These song lyrics to "Oh What a Day" by Ingrid Michaelson have been resonating in some ways today since I heard it again while my roommate and I were driving in the mountains. While I certainly haven't kissed a bad love relationship goodbye, I'm feeling some of the sentiment in terms of the need to move on from some other things in my life.

Oh what a day is today
Nothing can stand in my way
Now that you've shipped out from under my skin
I think I'm ready to win

Oh what a night is tonight
I think I'm ready to fight
Now that my broken bones all have been healed
I think I'm starting to feel

Something good
Something good
Now that you're gone I can roll on to something good

Oh what a way that we died
Plenty of tears were supplied
My eyes are wrung out and dry as a bone
And I taste much better alone

Something good
Something good
Now that you're gone I can roll on to something good

Oh you know I moved away
From the other side of the door
I don't have to wait anymore for you to come home
Something good
Now that you're gone I can roll on to something good
Something good

Huh.

This was another one of those days. It turned out better than I thought it might, but it was hard.

I'm really looking forward to tomorrow morning and collecting a hug from a dear friend.

And I'm thankful that I have one more day off before I return to work.

I could use a few more than that still, but I'll take what I can get.

Plans changed again

So, this weekend, I'm having to be flexible with my plans.

Have I mentioned that that is not a strength of mine? I like plans. I usually build some leeway into them, but I definitely prefer them not to change.

This time away has been harder and less restful than anticipated for a variety of reasons.

I'm looking forward to collecting a hug from a very dear friend tomorrow.

In the meantime, I'm in no shape to drive, and badly needing to get out of the city, so my roommate and I are doing a bit of shopping, and then she's volunteered to drive us to a favorite spot of mine in the mountains so we can spend the afternoon there.

Rough Day (family, emotions, and choosing to say no)

I woke out of a disturbing dream this morning, surrounding some issues with family, and a deeply personal decision I've been trying to make for the last week or so.

My family is wonderful and I love them deeply, but they can also create a constant struggle within me at times. Mostly because they find my journey with God to be unconventional, confusing, and perhaps even heretical (though I doubt they'd use that word) at moments.

I listened to my mom tonight, as she related to me how she'd heard a speaker at a conference she'd attended the last few days who had deeply challenged her and made her realize how much her upbringing causes her, even still, after many years of healing from the deep wounds of her childhood, to struggle with the idea of works vs. grace, and to lean towards works, and I wanted to scream, "I know! You instilled those same tendencies in me, and I spend my days battling with fear of failure, with the desperate need to measure up because you taught me that. I carry so much fear and shame and panic because of the things you carry, and I'm thrilled you're finding healing and feeling conviction, but I don't know how to handle that, because it just feels like condemnation of the spaces in which I exist."

I know she doesn't intend for it to be condemnation. I know that she is speaking out of love for me and desire to see me live more fully. But it feels at times like condemnation.

A little over a year and a half ago, a deeply personal moment in which I encountered God, a moment witnessed by a few dear friends, was suddenly and carelessly exposed to the world. In all likelihood it's being exposed very soon in a much more broad form. It's initial exposure caused deep hurt and shattering, not only for me, in my sudden exposure, but for some who'd known of the things leading up to it and hadn't been included, and to some extent the shattering that it caused is such that I still feel it very deeply.

I have been praying about the timing of another deeply personal moment that I have felt Jesus inviting me into since shortly after that first moment. This week it became a possibility that the timing could be sometime during these days off. And, to be honest I really wanted this to happen. But I think I'm going to choose to wait. Because of the day I've had, and the dreams. Because exposure of this moment is also bound to happen (based on the number of people who know what I've been praying about), and, while it likely wouldn't be the careless exposure of the first time, it still holds the potential to deeply hurt those whom I love, who would perhaps not understand the choice to go forward.

I'll make the final decision tomorrow morning. And my heart is breaking in the knowledge that putting this off likely means delaying this for at least another year. But right now, right in this moment, as much as I long for it, I think I need to wait.

So, I'm sobbing a little. I'm shrugging, because I'm exhausted and so very not okay. I suppose I'll be okay again at some point, but I'm not right now. I collected a hug from my roommate tonight, who didn't know what to do other than listen a bit and finally just hug me. I think I'm just going to head for bed. Curl up with my devotional book (which has been hitting hard lately too) and my bible. Maybe spend some time in the Psalms. Maybe journal or read. And pray for sleep - because after days like this it is often fleeting and filled with disturbing dreams, and tonight, tonight I'd really like it if I slept dreamlessly, or if I met Jesus in my dreams, but I can definitely do without the disturbing bits.