31st

I thought I'd better stop in here. I think I have almost every day this month, and it doesn't seem right for the day or the month to end without me stopping in and saying a few words.

Except, I don't really have that much to say.

I had a full but mostly quiet day. Lots of errands. Lots of cleaning.

I'm already in my pj's in bed. I'm sipping tea I picked up at starbucks.

I'm going to read for a little while, and then sleep.

Oh, and I read this post at Annie Parson's blog today and loved it. Take particular note of her closing line. It struck me deeply.

Wounds

I have been reading a bit about the idea of Stigmata lately.

(And by the way, if you're looking for a fantastic novel that explores the concept, you should definitely check out "Wounded" by Claudia Mair Burney - which I read last fall and loved.)

In the meantime, tonight I read several articles about Padre Pio, a saint from the last century who had the stigmata, and thought I'd stick the links here for your interest, but mostly for my future reference.

Padre Pio's Saintly Return

The Stigmatist

Miracle Maker

Padre Pio, Pope Benedict: Soul Mates?

More Headlines

Northwest Basement Fire Claims Third Victim

God Showing up in Older Women (liked this essay)

Radical Love: The Sisters of Summit, New Jersey

Choosing Joy - Henri

Sometimes I think that whoever sends out the various daily emails I receive has been closely observing my life, eavesdropping on conversations. Then I decide that I'm being a bit paranoid, and that God just has a bit of a twisted sense of humor. Today's latest from Henri Nouwen plays right into ongoing conversations I've been having with God and with a dear friend.

Choosing Joy

Joy is what makes life worth living, but for many joy seems hard to find. They complain that their lives are sorrowful and depressing. What then brings the joy we so much desire? Are some people just lucky, while others have run out of luck? Strange as it may sound, we can choose joy. Two people can be part of the same event, but one may choose to live it quite differently than the other. One may choose to trust that what happened, painful as it may be, holds a promise. The other may choose despair and be destroyed by it.

What makes us human is precisely this freedom of choice.

Superpower

Your Superpower Should Be Mind Reading

You are brilliant, insightful, and intuitive. You understand people better than they would like to be understood. Highly sensitive, you are good at putting together seemingly irrelevant details. You figure out what's going on before anyone knows that anything is going on! Why you would be a good superhero: You don't care what people think, and you'd do whatever needed to be done Your biggest problem as a superhero: Feeling even more isolated than you do now

What Should Your Superpower Be?

More Headlines

No Worship on "Virgin Mary" Hill

Girl Shot Dead in Nigerian Delta

Locust Swarms "High" on Seretonin

Headlines

Calgary Area Elder and Veteran Left Lasting Legacy

Second Victim of Basement Fire

Suicides Among US Soldiers Hit New Peak

Healing Our Memories - Henri

another thought on healing and forgiveness from Henri Nouwen

Healing Our Memories

Forgiving does not mean forgetting. When we forgive a person, the memory of the wound might stay with us for a long time, even throughout our lives. Sometimes we carry the memory in our bodies as a visible sign. But forgiveness changes the way we remember. It converts the curse into a blessing. When we forgive our parents for their divorce, our children for their lack of attention, our friends for their unfaithfulness in crisis, our doctors for their ill advice, we no longer have to experience ourselves as the victims of events we had no control over.

Forgiveness allows us to claim our own power and not let these events destroy us; it enables them to become events that deepen the wisdom of our hearts. Forgiveness indeed heals memories.

Amazingly Restorative

Yesterday ended a bit better than it seemed it would.

I got home from work and took a shower. It was one of those days where you just feel slimy from the interactions of the day. Showers are amazingly restorative.

I ate perogies for dinner. Dipped in sour cream. Perogies are also amazingly restorative.

I had a coffee date with my brother's girlfriend in a favorite neighborhood in the city. I laughed at the odd coincidences of events also occurring in the coffee shop that night. We shared hearts and laughed together, and promised to pray for each other. Coffee with her was also amazingly restorative.

I'm still waiting on getting a real night's sleep.

I set a goal this morning of getting through the (work) day at least without sobbing. I felt like it was shooting high, but I'm almost half-way through, and am starting to feel like it could be an achievable goal.

Long Day

This has been one of those days that seems to go on interminably.

Some days I'm not really certain what is and is not mine to do. Of course, that doesn't stop someone from yelling when I guess wrong.

Someone jokingly asked me this afternoon if it was true that I was omniscient.

My response? "Of course I am. I'm god don't you know." (I did mention that my sense of humor is twisted and sarcastic, right?)

Since lunchtime my facebook status has read, "Lisa has the overwhelming urge to sob."

Some combination of exhaustion, and other factors, along with the fact that it is Wednesday. Some people have Mondays. I have Wednesdays. It's just been a while since I've had one on this scale.

I'm having coffee with a friend tonight after work, and then am hoping for some sleep. Despite the "miracle drugs" I haven't had much rest the last couple nights, and it would be very helpful for my overall disposition and mental health if that would change tonight.

Headlines

Feisty Lion Cub Greets Pope with a Roar

Victim of Basement Fire Dies

Pope Tries to Heal Rift with Jews over Holocaust Denier

More from Henri on forgiveness

more from Henri Nouwen...

Forgiving in the Name of God

We are all wounded people. Who wounds us? Often those whom we love and those who love us. When we feel rejected, abandoned, abused, manipulated, or violated, it is mostly by people very close to us: our parents, our friends, our spouses, our lovers, our children, our neighbors, our teachers, our pastors. Those who love us wound us too. That's the tragedy of our lives. This is what makes forgiveness from the heart so difficult. It is precisely our hearts that are wounded. We cry out, "You, who I expected to be there for me, you have abandoned me. How can I ever forgive you for that?"

Forgiveness often seems impossible, but nothing is impossible for God. The God who lives within us will give us the grace to go beyond our wounded selves and say, "In the Name of God you are forgiven." Let's pray for that grace.

Beaten with a Stick

(perhaps, just in case you're all new here, I should mention that my sense of humor is, shall we say, sarcastic).

Okay, with that disclaimer aside, let me share the verse of scripture that has provided much amusement to me today. But first the story that goes with it.

When we were teenagers, my middle brother (who also has a wicked sense of humor) used to go around informing us that "stupid people should be beaten with a stick." If we questioned him, he would tell us, "It says so in the Bible."

I was thinking about that verse the other day, in the midst of a rather trying encounter with another person, and it made me smile. So last night I emailed him, hoping that he still knew the reference for what had, at one point, been his favorite verse. He came through this morning, sending me an email with the reference, and the appropriate version to find his favorite translation of the verse.

It's making me laugh as I again deal with some rather trying people today. (I think I'm developing an affinity for the practical wisdom of Proverbs. It's been speaking to me on far deeper levels than this amusement lately as well.)

Proverbs 10:13 (Contemporary English Version)
If you have good sense,
it will show when you speak.
But if you are stupid,
you will be beaten
with a stick.

A Few Headlines

Were Fire Victims Trapped?

Spill Raises Concerns About Canmore's Water

Henri on Forgiveness and Healing

Another challenging thought from Henri Nouwen

Healing Our Hearts Through Forgiveness

How can we forgive those who do not want to be forgiven? Our deepest desire is that the forgiveness we offer will be received. This mutuality between giving and receiving is what creates peace and harmony. But if our condition for giving forgiveness is that it will be received, we seldom will forgive! Forgiving the other is first and foremost an inner movement. It is an act that removes anger, bitterness, and the desire for revenge from our hearts and helps us to reclaim our human dignity. We cannot force those we want to forgive into accepting our forgiveness. They might not be able or willing do so. They may not even know or feel that they have wounded us.

The only people we can really change are ourselves. Forgiving others is first and foremost healing our own hearts.

A Couple More Headlines

Mountain Gorillas Numbers in DR Congo Growing

In Pictures: Working to Heal the Wounds

US Woman Gives Birth to Octuplets

Auschwitz Decays

25 Things

A while ago a good friend of mine gave me some homework - a 25 item list. This is not that list. However, I am hoping it will help inspire me to work on that list.

There has been a 25 Random Things About Me survey/list floating around in the blog world and on facebook lately. And today I'm feeling just inspired enough to give it a shot, and tell you 25 random things about myself...

1. I think mint flavoring belongs only in toothpaste and gum. Anything else with mint is gross.
2. Everytime I pour myself a glass of wine, I get about two sips in and then I realize "I still don't like this very much." But I won't waste a perfectly good glass of wine, so I try to pawn it off on one of my roommates. If that doesn't work, I make myself drink it anyway.
3. High heels make me feel sexy.
4. I've had tendonitis in both feet and shins since high school, making it a bad idea for me to wear high heels very often.
5. I like most peach or watermelon flavored candies or beverages, but I don't actually really like fresh peaches or watermelons very much.
6. I like tea, but mostly herbal teas.
7. I don't like black tea, but do drink it occasionally. I can name for you each of the five times and locations in the world that I've had black tea in the last year or so.
8. I love getting real mail. Even though most of it still goes to my parent's house, and I have to stop by there to pick it up.
9. I also love getting email - especially from friends.
10. I have a bachelor's degree in European history, with a specialization in post-reformation church history, primarily, but not limited to groups such as the moravians and anabaptists.
11. One wouldn't think that this particular degree would be useful in an administrative assistant job, but because I work for a Mennonite company, the historical context that my degree has provided for the group of people I deal with every day has been invaluable.
12. I pick almost all music based on the lyrics, rather than the sound.
13. Despite having a passion for and a degree in history, I cannot spout off dates like an encyclopedia. I know the approximate date for many things, and can usually get you within a century, but as one of my history professor's helpfully pointed out in my first year of university, knowing exact dates is what reference books (or the internet!) is for.
14. I'm a fan of The Body Shop, and am currently quite enamored with their (unfortunately seasonal) Warm Amber Body Butter, which is scented with Myrrh.
15. I get annoyed when someone who is much younger than me gets treated like more of an adult than me, simply because she has a husband or a child.
16. I eat colored candies, fruit snacks, chocolates, etc. in the order of my color preference, from ugliest to prettiest.
17. I own a U2 special edition Ipod video.
18. I am absolutely a Mac girl instead of PC user.
19. I love taking photos
20. I will often scrap the idea of perfectly immaculate fashion for the sake of warmth and comfort in the winter.
21. I prefer clothing or accessories that are colorful, unique and possibly a bit hippy/bohemian.
22. I have recently become convinced that taking vitamins is actually helping me get my health and sleep levels back to 100%, after years of denying that this might actually be possible.
23. If I have painted toenails, it is generally a sign that I am in a good mental and emotional space, and that I have been engaging in self-care recently.
24. My toenails are not currently painted.
25. I was a synchronized swimmer. A fairly decent one. I swam for twelve years, and volunteered as a coach and choreographer for 5 and 6 year old girls for the last five of those twelve years. And I am absolutely convinced that synchronized swimming is in fact, a sport.

There you have it. 25 random facts about me. Wanna share some random facts about yourself? Leave a comment, or a link to your blog.

Catching My Attention

This blog post on my friend Rae's blog.

This post on lighting candles at Sally's blog.

This article on a fire that killed a small dog and injured four people critically yesterday here in Calgary.

This article on a train de-railment in Canmore.

Henri on Forgiveness and Freedom

more thoughts from Henri Nouwen. These ones hit home a bit given my ongoing thought process surrouding finding freedom.

Forgiveness, the Cement of Community Life

Community is not possible without the willingness to forgive one another "seventy-seven times" (see Matthew 18:22). Forgiveness is the cement of community life. Forgiveness holds us together through good and bad times, and it allows us to grow in mutual love.

But what is there to forgive or to ask forgiveness for? As people who have hearts that long for perfect love, we have to forgive one another for not being able to give or receive that perfect love in our everyday lives. Our many needs constantly interfere with our desire to be there for the other unconditionally. Our love is always limited by spoken or unspoken conditions. What needs to be forgiven? We need to forgive one another for not being God!

Receiving Forgiveness

There are two sides to forgiveness: giving and receiving. Although at first sight giving seems to be harder, it often appears that we are not able to offer forgiveness to others because we have not been able fully to receive it. Only as people who have accepted forgiveness can we find the inner freedom to give it. Why is receiving forgiveness so difficult? It is very hard to say, "Without your forgiveness I am still bound to what happened between us. Only you can set me free." That requires not only a confession that we have hurt somebody but also the humility to acknowledge our dependency on others. Only when we can receive forgiveness can we give it.

Forgiveness, the Way to Freedom

To forgive another person from the heart is an act of liberation. We set that person free from the negative bonds that exist between us. We say, "I no longer hold your offense against you" But there is more. We also free ourselves from the burden of being the "offended one." As long as we do not forgive those who have wounded us, we carry them with us or, worse, pull them as a heavy load. The great temptation is to cling in anger to our enemies and then define ourselves as being offended and wounded by them. Forgiveness, therefore, liberates not only the other but also ourselves. It is the way to the freedom of the children of God.

Re-Ordered

In my pursuit of mental quiet yesterday, I spent most of the day cleaning and reorganizing.

Often this helps re-organize my mental space as well.

I did a lot of laundry.

Changed the sheets on my bed.

I get excited about things like the first night in bed after you put on fresh sheets.

I like to sleep like I'm in a cocoon, so the first night or two, when the blankets are all still nice and tight and tucked in all the right places so that they just sort of swallow you when you crawl into bed are the best.

And (and I feel pathetic for being excited about this), I got a pillow to put underneath/between my knees while I sleep. My back was getting really sore all the time from the way I was laying to sleep, and the pillow between my knees is a great invention.

And I dreamt. Not disturbing so much as intense, and possibly vaguely profound. A nice change from the dreams I'd been having through much of the "noisy" mental week.

There will be more cleaning today, and a trip to the "Wedding Fair" with my roommates (one is getting married this summer). There will be more quiet, and writing - on paper, in a journal. And there will likely be pancakes. Probably for "brunch". Maybe for lunch or dinner instead, though. I don't believe in eating breakfast food for breakfast if it can be avoided.

Re-ordering the exterior helped with the interior again.

And for a while anyway, I am at peace.

Headlines

A few news stories catching my attention:

Migrants Escape on Italian Island

Pope move ignites holocaust row

Pursuing Quiet

My headspace has been way too loud and cluttered of late.

I've been bogged in stuff that I can't figure out, thrashing around, trying to find freedom in the midst of some gross stuff.

Late last night I decided that I needed my interior space to quiet down a little.

So today I'm doggedly pursuing quiet.

I'm being rather ruthless in what I will take in. What thought patterns I'm letting run their course. What I'm reading and listening to.

And I'm cleaning.

I'm not entirely sure if this is a needed thing, or just an elaborate method of avoiding that is working on a temporary basis.

But for now, I'm more peaceful.

And I decided that if I really do want to pursue freedom right now, it might be helpful to stop thrashing against the things that bind long enough for someone (Jesus I hope) to come and unbind them. It seems that it would be easier for unbinding to occur if I am still enough to make it a less difficult task.

Dumb Decision

I made a stupid decision today.

I was exhausted, and angry, and hurting, and broken, and frustrated, and I made a stupid decision.

Nothing life altering, thankfully. Just dumb.

Something I knew fairly quickly wouldn't solve the exhaustion, anger, hurt, brokenness, or frustration. That would in fact likely add to a couple of those categories.

I've told people for years when I've shared about the lessons I learned in the midst of depression that they shouldn't make any decisions when they're in a low.

I ignored my own advice today.

And I regret it.

On the edge of a precipice

I am broken and overwhelmed.

A friend of mine has a lyric that reads "the lie, the lie is becoming convincing".

The lies are overwhelmingly strong today. And they are becoming convincing.

There is very little strength to stand, and even less to fight.

I had a disturbing dream just before waking again this morning, and the vivid nature of this one has carried with me into the day.

I dreamt that I was standing on the edge of a precipice, trying to prevent myself from falling into pitch darkness and danger. There were only two spike like stalagmites, one on either side of me to hold on to to prevent the fall. I had no choice but to hold them, but they are like razors, and slice my hands when I do. I was in pain and my hands were bleeding, and I was working to prevent the fall into nothingness...

It haunts me today, the image of my bloody and painful hands, gripping a razor like object for dear life.

Exposed

This finding freedom business is even harder work than I thought.

And there is yet more to walk through.

More things surfacing.

I'm feeling exhausted, raw, exposed, naked. In front of God, and a close trusted friend.

It's not a safe feeling yet, to stand so exposed, even in front of Jesus, who I know knew it anyway.

I pray one day it will be a safe place. I believe one day it will.

In the meantime, I'm committed to keep standing there.

Even when it seems to be tearing me apart.

Even when the rawest of wounds is being ripped open.

As a friend pointed out on the weekend, it's better than letting them fester.

And I continue to pray for broken things to be restored. People. Hearts. Relationships.

My heart has shattered, and there is yet more surfacing, more to walk through.

And yet, this freedom that seems to come at so high a cost, that seems to be so painful to achieve, is something my heart longs for, and so I keep walking, one tiny little halting, sometimes, limping, sometimes crawling step at a time, with many tears shed, towards it.

That Kind of Day

Have you ever used the "pieces of flair" application on facebook? A lot of them are hilarious. I came across this one this morning. "Some days it's just not worth chewing through the restraints."

I'm having that kind of day today.

Catching My Attention

The photograph at the beginning of this article. (And the article itself.)

This post at Drew's blog about pain and becoming whole.

This "To Write Love on Her Arms" post (and beautiful tattoo) at Ragamuffin Diva - the blog of one of my all-time favorite novelists. (I think I need to start working on getting that tattoo I've been wanting again - there's been a few awfully beautiful ones at Ragamuffin Diva these last couple weeks.)

Community and Solitude - Henri Nouwen

another challenging thought from Henri Nouwen...

Community Supported by Solitude

Solitude greeting solitude, that's what community is all about. Community is not the place where we are no longer alone but the place where we respect, protect, and reverently greet one another's aloneness. When we allow our aloneness to lead us into solitude, our solitude will enable us to rejoice in the solitude of others. Our solitude roots us in our own hearts. Instead of making us yearn for company that will offer us immediate satisfaction, solitude makes us claim our center and empowers us to call others to claim theirs. Our various solitudes are like strong, straight pillars that hold up the roof of our communal house. Thus, solitude always strengthens community.

On Freedom (addendum)

On Sunday, I wrote here about freedom.

I was chatting on the phone with my friend Faye tonight, catching up a little, and planning a time to see each other next week, and was rehearsing some of the thoughts I wrote on Sunday for her.

I complained that no one ever tells you that to get to freedom, you have to wade through a lot of crap first. That it's not quite the instantaneous thing that it's made out to be.

Faye offered a comment in response that I found quite insightful. She said that she thinks the reason that no one tells you that, is that most people will settle for pseudo-freedom. That very few actually do all the hard work to get to real freedom, and that therefore, they simply can't tell you how painful, and how much hard work it is to get there, because they've never really experienced it.

I think I'm thankful for friends like the one who sort of pushed me headlong into the mess I waded through on the weekend. And friends like Faye who offer insights like that. Because, despite the pain of getting there, I think I'd rather have the real thing than settle for pseudo-freedom. (Though it might be hard to get me to admit that the next time I find myself with another mountain of crap to wade through in the journey to ever-increasing freedom!)

Henri on Solitude (I relate to this one)

Henri Nouwen on solitude...

The Voice in the Garden of Solitude

Solitude is the garden for our hearts, which yearn for love. It is the place where our aloneness can bear fruit. It is the home for our restless bodies and anxious minds. Solitude, whether it is connected with a physical space or not, is essential for our spiritual lives. It is not an easy place to be, since we are so insecure and fearful that we are easily distracted by whatever promises immediate satisfaction. Solitude is not immediately satisfying, because in solitude we meet our demons, our addictions, our feelings of lust and anger, and our immense need for recognition and approval. But if we do not run away, we will meet there also the One who says, "Do not be afraid. I am with you, and I will guide you through the valley of darkness."

Let's keep returning to our solitude.

Tuesday - Little Things

It's the little things, you know?

The little things that I'm thinking about tonight.

About how, a few weeks ago, I heard Jesus speak love to me through the voice of my dad. I was showing my parents a lovely new coat I'd purchased, that I was very excited about. I'd bought it because, when I looked at it in the mirror, I felt elegant. A particular word and description were stored in my mind, a secret feeling of beauty. No one could have known that word. I hadn't told anyone. And yet, as my dad complimented the coat, he used that word to describe it. And I heard in his voice, the whisper of Jesus saying "you really are beautiful."

About a moment last night, when the voice of another friend confirmed something I thought I'd heard Jesus say. I was purchasing a gift for a friend, wondering if she'd like it, but a particular word was associated with it immediately when I saw the item in the store, and that word meant something, so I went ahead and purchased the item. Later in the evening, I was showing my roommate and her fiancee the item. Her fiancee immediately used the word I'd "heard" when I'd first seen the item to describe it. It made me smile to hear God's whisper to me, his encouragement to pray, in the words of another.

I'm thinking about less serious little things too.

About taking control, and being proactive in the attempt to see some changes in my life.

About eating peanut M & M's. I feel that they must be eaten in a specific color order, though this order varies based on my mood. You always eat the ugliest or most boring color first, and the prettiest color last. Blue is always the prettiest color, with red the second prettiest. The order varies from there depending on my mood.

I haven't watched the innauguration address yet - I guess that's more of a big thing. But I'm planning to do that shortly here.

I have, however, in the last few days, enjoyed two older movies that always make me smile. The American President, and Sabrina (the version with Harrison Ford.)

It was nice to eat a properly home-cooked meal tonight. I made baked chicken breasts, and roasted baby potatoes, and peas.

Little things like sales on items that are a bit of a luxury, but are justifiable on sale.

Little things like three pure white candles, that smell like spring, lit most evenings on my dresser, near where I sit to read and write and think and rest and pray.

And little things like Anne Lamott's "bird by bird" story. I'm reading her book of that title right now, and I love the story that gives it the title - you should pick the book up and read it.

I told a friend the other night that that's my current motto. That for a while, I'm just going to take life "bird by bird".

Tonight I'm glad for the little things.

Martyrs?

This was an interesting read...

20 Missionaries Killed in 2008

Fire Again...

This article caught my attention today. I vaguely remember driving past this beautiful old building on the many times I've been in Waterton.

Waterton Lakes' Kilmorey Lodge Destroyed by Fire

More Thought Nuggets from Henri

A few more thoughts from Henri Nouwen that have arrived in my inbox recently...

Be Yourself

Often we want to be somewhere other than where we are, or even to be someone other than who we are. We tend to compare ourselves constantly with others and wonder why we are not as rich, as intelligent, as simple, as generous, or as saintly as they are. Such comparisons make us feel guilty, ashamed, or jealous. It is very important to realize that our vocation is hidden in where we are and who we are. We are unique human beings, each with a call to realize in life what nobody else can, and to realize it in the concrete context of the here and now.

We will never find our vocations by trying to figure out whether we are better or worse than others. We are good enough to do what we are called to do. Be yourself!

Finding Solitude

All human beings are alone. No other person will completely feel like we do, think like we do, act like we do. Each of us is unique, and our aloneness is the other side of our uniqueness. The question is whether we let our aloneness become loneliness or whether we allow it to lead us into solitude. Loneliness is painful; solitude is peaceful. Loneliness makes us cling to others in desperation; solitude allows us to respect others in their uniqueness and create community.

Letting our aloneness grow into solitude and not into loneliness is a lifelong struggle. It requires conscious choices about whom to be with, what to study, how to pray, and when to ask for counsel. But wise choices will help us to find the solitude where our hearts can grow in love.

Creating Space to Dance Together

When we feel lonely we keep looking for a person or persons who can take our loneliness away. Our lonely hearts cry out, "Please hold me, touch me, speak to me, pay attention to me." But soon we discover that the person we expect to take our loneliness away cannot give us what we ask for. Often that person feels oppressed by our demands and runs away, leaving us in despair. As long as we approach another person from our loneliness, no mature human relationship can develop. Clinging to one another in loneliness is suffocating and eventually becomes destructive. For love to be possible we need the courage to create space between us and to trust that this space allows us to dance together.

Not Much to Say

I survived another day at work.

I received some disappointing news today. Nothing catastrophic, just something I'd hoped for (and at the same time been afraid to hope for) that didn't pan out. I shed a few carefully hidden tears and then moved on.

My roommate and I chatted about that tonight. She had a similar, shed a few tears, then pull yourself together moment today.

I'm heading out in a little while to have coffee with a friend I haven't seen in at least a year, likely longer. If I'm not mistaken, she's travelled the world since I last saw her, so there should be lots to share.

I feel like I don't have a whole lot to say.

The weekend I had took a toll on my energy. I think that the outcomes of the weekend will ultimately be good, but right now I'm exhausted, and facing another week of work at a place that is immensely emotionally and spiritually draining.

I've been sleeping several hours a night lately. A supplement that a friend recommended seems to be helping. The flip side of that is that I've been sleeping deeply enough to have all sorts of wild and crazy and disturbing dreams. Not sure whether I prefer the sleepless nights or the dreams at this point, though a friend assures me that physically it's better for my goal to get my health back under control to be sleeping.

Anyway. I'm a rather boring person at the moment, so I think I'll stop here! There are thoughts percolating for better posts to come this week, but I need a free evening and a bit more energy to form them into words.

Things they don't tell you (freedom)

I spend a lot of time amazed at the things about life that no one bothers to tell you.

I wrote once on this blog about how I'd been having conversations with God about what freedom would look like, and he showed me a picture of myself in a beautiful skirt - a twirling skirt - spinning in a meadow.

Freedom is a word that's talked about a lot in the circles I hang out in. It's a great concept, and wonderful when it's been achieved.

But can I just say that I've never really heard it mentioned that it's a lot of hard work to get to. That it takes a lot of fighting and tears and hurt. A lot of gross moments of pulling things into the light and letting them be seen in all their disgustingness. A lot of struggle. A lot of moments when you're absolutely certain that nothing could be worth the price of what you're going through.

No one tells you that part.

No one tells you that freedom is rarely instantaneous.

No one tells you that often, when the Lord offers it, it still means you have to walk through all the shit to get to it. That you don't just sort of get airlifted over all the built up crap to the place of freedom, but that you have to negotiate your way over and around and through the crap to get there.

No one tells you that you might actually get there sometimes, and be so exhausted from the trip that you don't even realize you've temporarily arrived, and that you certainly don't have the energy to appreciate it.

It's an awfully beautiful thing, freedom, but no one tells you the cost.

I've been recognizing the cost again this weekend.

And maybe tomorrow I'll put on my twirling skirt and spin just a little to celebrate. But just at this moment, I'm caught by the fact that no one told me it would be this way. And I'm exhausted from the journey through it.

Did I shave my legs for this?

I was thinking this morning about the way music influences our lives. About the "soundtrack" of my life if you will. Much of mine could be played in country songs.

Now, before you all run away horrified that I do in fact not only listen to, but actually like country music, let me just say this: there is an awful lot of down to earth straight up truth and humor in some of those songs. And, just for the record, for all those authors who talk about how music influences their writing, let me just say that the soundtrack for the moments I'm writing is pretty much limited to dead composers, or artists who don't sing in English, so that their words can't interrupt the formation of my words. That means that these days I'm listening to a lot of Beethoven.

But I was thinking about one particular line from a country song I heard back in junior high today. I can't remember who sang the song, or even what it was really about, though I think it might have been Deana Carter, and I suppose the song must have been about a date that didn't go quite as expected. The line? "Did I shave my legs for this?" (in my head the emphasis is always on the "this".)

I heard it in the days before I was old enough to worry about shaving my legs, or really could have understood what the singer was referring to. But it made me laugh then, and it has stuck with me, coming back at all kinds of moments. It's come to symbolize the moments that just don't go quite the way you were hoping or expecting. When anticipation of one thing falls flat, and you find yourself dealing with something entirely other. It's become a mental category in my head - the "Did I shave my legs for this?" moments.

It's a wry sort of humor I suppose. But it works for me. To inject humor into situations that are often less than funny.

I was thinking about the line this morning (actually while I was shaving my legs!) and smiling ironically to myself.

I've been having a "did I shave my legs for this?" weekend.

It hasn't been the weekend I'd been hoping for or expecting. It hasn't necessarily been bad. Just different. And definitely in need of the injection of humor that comes from it being classified in the "did I shave my legs for this?" category of life.

Headlines - Saturday morning

I had another rough night. Just at the moment I'm not up to writing properly. So here are some headlines that are catching my attention, and drawing my heart to pray a little.

LRA Rebels Commit New Atrocities

Obama Begins Historic Rail Trip

Chinese Women Want More Babies

Iran Executes Two Men by Stoning

Threatened Pakistan Schools Close

Free Trade with Peru

Bush signs free-trade pact with Peru

Reading Lists

In an effort to clean up the sidebar of my blog, and make it load a bit quicker, I am removing all but the current 2009 completed reading list.

However, since I still feel a need to keep track of those books which I have read, I am putting them in a post, here. This post is just for me. You don't have to read through the list. But if you do, you'll find some good books!

2007 - Non-fiction Reading List
Eat, Pray, Love (Elizabeth Gilbert)
The Year I Got Everything I Wanted (Cameron Conant)
Contemplative Youth Ministry (Mark Yaconelli)
Leaving Church: A Memoir of Faith (Barbara Brown Taylor)
Stumbling Towards Faith (Renee Altson)
The Only Road North (Erik Mirandette)
Now and Then: A Memoir of Vocation (Frederick Buechner)
God On Mute: Engaging the Silence of Unanswered Prayer (Pete Greig)
Grace (Eventually): Thoughts on Faith (Anne Lamott)
Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith (Anne Lamott)
The Spiral Staircase: My Climb Out of Darkness (Karen Armstrong)
Simplicity (Mark Salomon)
The Vision and the Vow (Pete Greig)

2008 Reading List
The Life of the Virgin Mary (Ranier Maria Rilke, translated by Stephen Spender)
Living Prayer (Robert Benson)
Let Them Eat Cake (Sandra Byrd)
Between the Dreaming and the Coming True (Robert Benson)
The Atonement Child (Francine Rivers)
Wounded (Claudia Mair Burney)
With Daring Faith: A Biography of Amy Carmichael (Rebecca Henry Davis)
Cassidy (Lori Wick)
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (J.K. Rowling)
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (J.K. Rowling)
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (J. K. Rowling)
Trouble the Water (Nicole Seitz)
Summer Snow (Nicole Baart)
A Restless Soul (Henri Nouwen)
The Sign of the Cross (Bert Ghezzi)
The Insufficiency of Maps (Nora Pierce)
In All Deep Places (Susan Meissner)
Straight Up (Lisa Samson)
Embrace Me (Lisa Samson)
Healing Stones (Nancy Rue & Stephen Arterburn)
Cracked: Putting Broken Lives Together Again (Dr. Drew Pinsky)
I Heart Bloomberg (Melody Carlson)
Zora & Nicky (Claudia Mair Burney) x2
My Hands Came Away Red (Lisa McKay)
Quaker Summer (Lisa Samson) x2
Murder, Mayhem and a Fine Man (Claudia Mair Burney)
Kissing Adrien (Siri L. Mitchell)
Only Uni (Camy Tang)
Sushi for One? (Camy Tang)
A Promise to Remember (Kathryn Cushman)
The Shack (William P. Young)
Willow Springs (Jan Watson)
Good Grief (Lolly Winston)
Rilke's Book of Hours: Love Poems to God (Edited by Anita Barrows & Joanna Macy)
Every Secret Thing (Ann Tatlock)
Lost in NashVegas (Rachel Hauck)
Sabrina (Lori Wick)
Reconstructing Natalie (Laura Jensen Walker)
Amanda (Debra White Smith)
Wrestling With Angels: Adventures in Faith and Doubt (Carolyn Arends)
Someday (Karen Kingsbury)
Take This Bread: A Radical Conversion (Sara Miles)
Fire Dancer (Colleen Coble)
Echoes (Kristen Heitzmann) x3
Unforgotten (Kristen Heitzmann)
Secrets (Kristen Heitzmann)
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (J.K. Rowling)
Let Them Eat Cake (Sandra Byrd)

Henri Nouwen on Hope

I like Henri's definition of hope.

Living with Hope

Optimism and hope are radically different attitudes. Optimism is the expectation that things-the weather, human relationships, the economy, the political situation, and so on-will get better. Hope is the trust that God will fulfill God's promises to us in a way that leads us to true freedom. The optimist speaks about concrete changes in the future. The person of hope lives in the moment with the knowledge and trust that all of life is in good hands.

All the great spiritual leaders in history were people of hope. Abraham, Moses, Ruth, Mary, Jesus, Rumi, Gandhi, and Dorothy Day all lived with a promise in their hearts that guided them toward the future without the need to know exactly what it would look like. Let's live with hope.

What healing looks like.

As I have so often lately, I feel a general tearing in the universe and within my own heart, and am working not to dissolve into tears.

I try to confine the daily (sometimes several times daily) crying jags to the moments when I am alone in my house, or alone in my car, or laying in bed praying for rest.

I'm tired. Bruised. Shattered.

I'm remembering.

I'm looking backwards. And forwards.

I was surprised to find, in the midst of a conversation last night, that some olds wounds have healed. Or mostly healed. And I was surprised at the ones that still sting.

I'm waiting. To see. To hear. To know. To be finished.

I'm praying. With my own words. And words I've borrowed.

For myself. And the nations. And especially those I love deeply.

I'm lonely. And reminding myself that I am not alone.

I'm feeling ugly and unworthy of love. But reminding myself that these too, are lies.

Maybe this is what healing looks like?

Borrowed Prayers

I am praying tonight with borrowed words.

Words and heart cries borrowed from a shepherd crowned king, but still buried in adversity.

Words borrowed from the songs of pilgrims on their way to Jerusalem.

A mish-mash of words, borrowed from Psalms 55, 56, and 126.

These are the prayers of my heart tonight.

Listen to my prayer, O God.
Do not ignore my cry for help!
Please listen and answer me,
for I am overwhelmed by my troubles.
My heart pounds in my chest.
The terror of death assaults me.
Fear and trembling overwhelm me,
and I can’t stop shaking.
Oh, that I had wings like a dove;
then I would fly away and rest!
I would fly far away
to the quiet of the wilderness.
How quickly I would escape—
far from this wild storm of hatred.

selah

It is not an enemy who taunts me—
I could bear that.
It is not my foes who so arrogantly insult me—
I could have hidden from them.
Instead, it is you—my equal,
my companion and close friend.
What good fellowship we once enjoyed
as we walked together to the house of God.

But I will call on God,
and the Lord will rescue me.
Morning, noon, and night
I cry out in my distress,
and the Lord hears my voice.
He ransoms me and keeps me safe
from the battle waged against me,
though many still oppose me.
God, who has ruled forever,
will hear me and humble them.

Selah

For my enemies refuse to change their ways;
they do not fear God.
As for my companion, he betrayed his friends;
he broke his promises.
His words are as smooth as butter,
but in his heart is war.
His words are as soothing as lotion,
but underneath are daggers!

O God, have mercy on me,
for people are hounding me.
My foes attack me all day long.
I am constantly hounded by those who slander me,
and many are boldly attacking me.
But when I am afraid,
I will put my trust in you.
I praise God for what he has promised.
I trust in God, so why should I be afraid?
What can mere mortals do to me?
They are always twisting what I say;
they spend their days plotting to harm me.

Selah

You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book.
I praise God for what he has promised;
Yes, I praise the Lord for what he has promised.
I trust in God, so why should I be afraid?
What can mere mortals do to me?
I will fulfill my vows to you, O God,
and will offer a sacrifice of thanks for your help.
For you have rescued me from death;
you have kept my feet from slipping.
So now I can walk in your presence, O God,
in your life-giving light.
Restore our fortunes, Lord,
as streams renew the desert.
Those who plant in tears
will harvest with shouts of joy.
They weep as they go to plant their seed,
but they sing as they return with the harvest.

amen.

Hmm..

I need today to go well.

There are things happening today that I would really like to have go well.

But I'm peaceful at the moment, and for that I'm grateful.

I'm wearing my "alternate eyes" today. The more corporate and conservative ones instead of the usual purple and orange ones. When I bought two new sets of eyes last spring, I really thought it would be the conservative ones that I'd wear all the time. It isn't. I wear them maybe once a month. And today is that day.

I put an emerald in my nose today. I read somewhere that emeralds have long been a "symbol of hope". So today, in defiance of the odds, I'm choosing hope. And demonstrating it sneakily, with an emerald in my nose.

Building Inner Bridges

Another thought from Henri Nouwen that I found challenging

Building Inner Bridges

Prayer is the bridge between our conscious and unconscious lives. Often there is a large abyss between our thoughts, words, and actions, and the many images that emerge in our daydreams and night dreams. To pray is to connect these two sides of our lives by going to the place where God dwells. Prayer is "soul work" because our souls are those sacred centers where all is one and where God is with us in the most intimate way.

Thus, we must pray without ceasing so that we can become truly whole and holy.

Unceasing Thinking to Unceasing Prayer (this one hit home)

This thought from Henri Nouwen hit hard with a reminder this morning.

From Unceasing Thinking to Unceasing Prayer

Our minds are always active. We analyze, reflect, daydream, or dream. There is not a moment during the day or night when we are not thinking. You might say our thinking is "unceasing." Sometimes we wish that we could stop thinking for a while; that would save us from many worries, guilt feelings, and fears. Our ability to think is our greatest gift, but it is also the source of our greatest pain. Do we have to become victims of our unceasing thoughts? No, we can convert our unceasing thinking into unceasing prayer by making our inner monologue into a continuing dialogue with our God, who is the source of all love.

Let's break out of our isolation and realize that Someone who dwells in the center of our beings wants to listen with love to all that occupies and preoccupies our minds.

Still Small Voice of Love - Henri Nouwen

another helpful reminder from Henri Nouwen...

The Still, Small Voice of Love

Many voices ask for our attention. There is a voice that says, "Prove that you are a good person." Another voice says, "You'd better be ashamed of yourself." There also is a voice that says, "Nobody really cares about you," and one that says, "Be sure to become successful, popular, and powerful." But underneath all these often very noisy voices is a still, small voice that says, "You are my Beloved, my favor rests on you." That's the voice we need most of all to hear. To hear that voice, however, requires special effort; it requires solitude, silence, and a strong determination to listen.

That's what prayer is. It is listening to the voice that calls us "my Beloved."

Fire and Shootings (praying for hope)

I'm caught by these headlines this morning.

The new year is only 14 days old, and my city has already had 5 deaths by homicide. Gang violence is growing, and a shooting New Year's Day was shockingly close to my home.

Another Gang Shooting in Calgary Leaves One Dead, Two Seriously Injured

And a fire on a first nations reserve on Vancouver Island claimed the lives of five people overnight as well.

5 Dead in Vancouver Island House Fire

I'm tired. and death and it's accompanyment seem close today. so I'm caught by these headlines and find myself praying again. for protection. for health and strength. for peace. for joy. for hope.

Headline...

Pope Declares "Holy War" Against People who Falsely Claim to Have Seen the Virgin Mary

Words

I grow increasingly, daily more aware of the power inherent in words.

Of the way they can harm another.

Of the way that spoken out of turn, at the wrong time, they can wreak havoc and cause devastation.

Of the fact that words that are not chosen with care can expose and damage the hearts of others.

Just when I thought it was over...

Just when I thought it might finally be coming to an end. This year of madness and insanity. This year of deep brokenness. Just when I thought that it was over. That I was done. That it was finally going to be possible to move on, it kicked back into gear again.

More tears.

More exhaustion.

More disturbing dreams.

The growing distance. (I hate the distance.)

It's still going on all around me. It's still going on inside of me.

And the question is this: Can I be done? Or must it still be engaged? Can something that so deeply affects me, and those I care about deeply, be ignored until it really does go away? When will it all end? And what does living out life in the meantime look like?

And so, I'm back to waiting and praying. The tears spill over on a regular basis - a several times daily basis. My heart is shattered, and I wonder if it will ever be whole again. I wonder some days if whole is what I really want, or if shattered is maybe the thing that looks more like Jesus' heart anyway.

Hope.

Hope is a crazy word. A deeply important word in my life. A topic of many conversations. Something that I feel like I've lost in some spheres of my life lately. It's a prominent thing in my life. And it made me smile when I did the "What's Your Word?" quiz and got the following result:

Your Word is "Hope"

You see life as an opportunity for learning, growth, and bringing out the best in others. No matter how bad things get, you always have at least a glimmer of optimism. You are accepting and forgiving. You encourage those who have wronged you to turn over a new leaf. And while there is a lot of ugliness in the world, you believe that almost no one is beyond redemption.

What's Your Word?

Let me know what your results are.

As tall as the average Japanese woman...

What Your Height Says About You

You are a very vulnerable and spiritual person. Your emotions run deep. You have a philosophical and poetic soul. You think things through and are a bit of a skeptic. You tend to be very opinionated. You are a perfectionist with high standards. You prefer to work alone. You work hard, and you don't like interruptions. You are about as tall as the average Japanese woman.

What Does Your Height Say About You?

I like these goofy little quizzes from time to time, and this one made me laugh. It's also mostly true. Except that I'm not a huge perfectionist, and depending on the day, my preference for working alone, or with someone else changes.

Sleepless?

They've now proved scientifically that lack of sleep makes your body less able to fight off illnesses like flus and the common cold. You can read the study here.

Have I mentioned that I'm working on making sleep a more regular, and lengthy feature in my life these days?

Comfortably Situated

I am propped up in bed. With three pillows behind me, and another beneath my knees.

I have magic bags draped across both of my feet and ankles, which are desperately glad that I decided to set aside any and all tasks that required standing tonight. I slipped on some snow and ice yesterday and fell. Not badly really. Just a moment that was lacking in gracefulness. (And who can be graceful, really, in winter boots and coat, while walking down a slope on an icy, snowy lakeshore?) I didn't think it was all that bad at the time - I knew I'd twisted one ankle a bit, but upon waking this morning and attempting to move I discovered that it was perhaps a bit worse than I'd thought. It would seem that I actually managed to roll both ankles as well as twist my left knee. I climbed three flights of stairs this morning on my sore knee and ankles. I wasn't yet ready to acknowledge that I might be in pain, and I was avoiding someone who arrived at the building at the same time as me and was taking the elevator. I couldn't bear the idea that my first human interaction of the day would be an insincere conversation with said person. Taking the stairs was a mistake. I discovered today that limping is a difficult proposition when you can't take the extra weight on your opposite leg. So I kind of waddle for the moment. It looks goofy.

I'm sorting through bills. Catching up on some emails. Making lists. There are lit candles scattered around the room. That always makes me happy.

I'm still not feeling too great - I got quite ill at work on Friday, and though I've managed to eat at least one meal a day since, my stomach is still being choosy. So I had toast for dinner. Followed by blue jello. I love jello. Yes, I know what it's made of, but I love it anyway. (Just as a side note, if you've ever watched or participated in synchronized swimming - that stuff that makes their hair so shiny - clear gelatin. It's the dickens to wash out later, but does the trick for keeping your hair in place in a way that no hair gel will. And it actually makes your hair incredibly soft.)

Eventually here I'll get around to some reading - I have a new book to start, and I'm nearly finished re-reading a favorite from last year's list. I may even take some time to catch up on life and write in my journal. Or I might just watch last week's episodes of Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice online while semi-reclining, since I did go to all the trouble of getting comfortably situated.

Henri Again

The daily emails from Henri Nouwen have been uniquely challenging this last while, and the most recent ones are no exception...

Growing Beyond Self-Rejection

One of the greatest dangers in the spiritual life is self-rejection. When we say, "If people really knew me, they wouldn't love me," we choose the road toward darkness. Often we are made to believe that self-deprecation is a virtue, called humility. But humility is in reality the opposite of self-deprecation. It is the grateful recognition that we are precious in God's eyes and that all we are is pure gift. To grow beyond self-rejection we must have the courage to listen to the voice calling us God's beloved sons and daughters, and the determination always to live our lives according to this truth.

Trusting the Catcher

Trust is the basis of life. Without trust, no human being can live. Trapeze artists offer a beautiful image of this. Flyers have to trust their catchers. They can do the most spectacular doubles, triples, or quadruples, but what finally makes their performance spectacular are the catchers who are there for them at the right time in the right place.

Much of our lives is flying. It is wonderful to fly in the air free as a bird, but when God isn't there to catch us, all our flying comes to nothing. Let's trust in the Great Catcher.

The Spiritual Work of Gratitude

To be grateful for the good things that happen in our lives is easy, but to be grateful for all of our lives-the good as well as the bad, the moments of joy as well as the moments of sorrow, the successes as well as the failures, the rewards as well as the rejections-that requires hard spiritual work. Still, we are only truly grateful people when we can say thank you to all that has brought us to the present moment. As long as we keep dividing our lives between events and people we would like to remember and those we would rather forget, we cannot claim the fullness of our beings as a gift of God to be grateful for.

Let's not be afraid to look at everything that has brought us to where we are now and trust that we will soon see in it the guiding hand of a loving God.

Away

I'm out of town again. Back tomorrow, blogging shall recommence then. Or maybe Monday. When I get home tomorrow I might just sleep.

A Heart that's Seen

This has been a hard week.

My heart has been very unseen, and very misunderstood. My integrity has been questioned more than once, because of the unfortunate actions of another who lacks integrity, and with whom I have to work. I hadn't realized just how much of a toll that had taken on me until I arrived home last night, exhausted after spending over 2 hours in winter traffic, and tried to accomplish a very simple task.

My brain and body shut down, and I flew into panic mode. Granted, there were extenuating circumstances which added to the quick shift into panic, but there it was. I was fighting off a panic attack while still working with desperation to finish a simple and necessary task.

In the midst of that, two dear friends found me online. One hung around and talked me through the panic, while the other simply offered a few encouraging words, and promised to pray.

One reminded me of promises spoken, prayers prayed, and love shared.

The other simply told me, "you're a good woman, Lisa."

I needed to hear all of what both of them said.

Both told me in their own ways that I was loved, that my heart was seen, that I would be okay. Somehow, because of the source, my heart began to calm, and I was able to hear their words, and receive them. I was able to allow my heart to quiet enough to hear Jesus whispering the same things. That I am loved. That He is with me. That I will be okay.

I was reminded last night again of the importance and the gift of true friends. The sort who know you most deeply, who've seen you at your best and worst, and love your heart anyway. Who see the heart, and not the surface panic.

To the two of you who hung out with me online last night, thank you. Thanks for being Jesus to me in those moments, and letting him whisper to me through your love. I needed it - your love and his. And I'm carrying it with me today and on into the weekend and the weeks ahead.

Stepping Over Our Wounds

This thought from Henri Nouwen hit hard today. It speaks to where my heart is at, and to a direction in which I hope I'm finally headed. Here's to "travelling on!"

Stepping over Our Wounds

Sometimes we have to "step over" our anger, our jealousy, or our feelings of rejection and move on. The temptation is to get stuck in our negative emotions, poking around in them as if we belong there. Then we become the "offended one," "the forgotten one," or the "discarded one." Yes, we can get attached to these negative identities and even take morbid pleasure in them. It might be good to have a look at these dark feelings and explore where they come from, but there comes a moment to step over them, leave them behind and travel on.

Henri Again - hit me hard

A few more thoughts from Henri Nouwen... these ones hit pretty hard the last two days.

The Gift of Friendship

Friendship is one of the greatest gifts a human being can receive. It is a bond beyond common goals, common interests, or common histories. It is a bond stronger than sexual union can create, deeper than a shared fate can solidify, and even more intimate than the bonds of marriage or community. Friendship is being with the other in joy and sorrow, even when we cannot increase the joy or decrease the sorrow. It is a unity of souls that gives nobility and sincerity to love. Friendship makes all of life shine brightly. Blessed are those who lay down their lives for their friends.

Enough Light for the Next Step

Often we want to be able to see into the future. We say, "How will next year be for me? Where will I be five or ten years from now?" There are no answers to these questions. Mostly we have just enough light to see the next step: what we have to do in the coming hour or the following day. The art of living is to enjoy what we can see and not complain about what remains in the dark. When we are able to take the next step with the trust that we will have enough light for the step that follows, we can walk through life with joy and be surprised at how far we go. Let's rejoice in the little light we carry and not ask for the great beam that would take all shadows away.

Mennonite Tonight

A friend of a friend recorded this "song" recently. As someone who works for a Mennonite Insurance Company, in the same building as a provincial branch of the Mennonite Central Committee, I laughed hard when I watched this, and promptly circulated it to a few select individuals within the office.

Change Coming

There's change coming. I'm pretty sure there is. At least I hope there is. Can you believe that I just said that? I, Lisa, the one who hates change with a passion? I need some change. Some positive change.

A friend asked me a question last night that's niggling. "Do you still think it's a good idea for you to be friends with so and so? Everytime I've seen you there's been something going on with them that's making you unhappy." Is friendship really always about me being happy? Because, to be fair, there are a lot of my friendships that are in tough places right now, but I don't think I'm ready to write them off. But does there come a point when it really is more healthy, even if you still love the person, to let the friendship come to an end? Or at least to a pause?

My friend Karla Adolphe (of Jacob and Lily fame!) wrote the following lyrics on her first album:

I cannot stop the bleeding
the lie, the lie is becoming convincing
I'm tired, I'm tired of the nights with no sunrise
Oh inside, that's how I'm feeling

I sent them to a friend last night, commenting that they'd struck me deeply as I was driving home last night.

Yesterday was a rough day. A really rough day. I need to not have days like that quite so regularly.

I think my heart is in a good space. I know the nearness of Jesus in deep ways, and I feel him shifting things, making more and more room for himself. But it hurts an awful lot right now. I told another friend last night that I'm glad that God is working, but I'd be thrilled if things would even out for a little while to let me catch up on some rest.

I'm tired. And I'm ready for a change. (Preferably not a stressful one.)

From the ashes (Martina McBride)

Most of you know that I'm a country music fan. There's something about this song that is resonating tonight.

Particularly these lines:

For all that I'm losing much more will I gain
The hard part is choosing
To change what needs changed
My step will be much lighter
With these demons off my chest...

And I'll walk away stronger
I will be flyin'
Higher and truer
Than I've flown before

Headlines

Sisters Say Sibling was Victim of Homicide in the Philippines

French Motorcyclist Dies in Dakar Rally

How to Divorce and not Wreck the Kids

Epiphany/Theophany

Today is the Feast of the Epiphany.

You can read about it here.

Any feast which recognizes the manifestation of God in human form is probably worth pausing just for a moment or two to consider.

In the Western Church, we remember the coming of the Magi today.

The Eastern Church calls the feast Theophany, and commemorates the baptism of Jesus.

The details I read about this feast are fascinating.

And so, tonight, for a few minutes, as the last of my advent candles burns down, and I light the three pillars that symbolize the trinity, and that replace the advent wreath and Christ candle (given as a gift to a friend) that sat on my dresser throughout the period of waiting, I'm pausing, to pray, to listen, to be thankful for the coming of God in human form, and to remember what the Eastern church celebrates as a truly trinitarian moment - the baptism of Jesus.

I pause, and I'm thankful for a God who took on flesh. For a God who revealed his nature to us in way that made it possible for us to enter into the life he offered more fully and deeply.

Henri offers a bit more wisdom...

I found several challenging reflections from Henri Nouwen awaiting me in my inbox upon my return to work this morning, and thought I'd share them with you again...

Vulnerable, Like a Bird

Life is precious. Not because it is unchangeable, like a diamond, but because it is vulnerable, like a little bird. To love life means to love its vulnerability, asking for care, attention, guidance, and support. Life and death are connected by vulnerability. The newborn child and the dying elder both remind us of the preciousness of our lives. Let's not forget the preciousness and vulnerability of life during the times we are powerful, successful, and popular.

Fruits That Grow in Vulnerability

There is a great difference between successfulness and fruitfulness. Success comes from strength, control, and respectability. A successful person has the energy to create something, to keep control over its development, and to make it available in large quantities. Success brings many rewards and often fame. Fruits, however, come from weakness and vulnerability. And fruits are unique. A child is the fruit conceived in vulnerability, community is the fruit born through shared brokenness, and intimacy is the fruit that grows through touching one another's wounds. Let's remind one another that what brings us true joy is not successfulness but fruitfulness.

Living the Moment to the Fullest

Patience is a hard discipline. It is not just waiting until something happens over which we have no control: the arrival of the bus, the end of the rain, the return of a friend, the resolution of a conflict. Patience is not a waiting passivity until someone else does something. Patience asks us to live the moment to the fullest, to be completely present to the moment, to taste the here and now, to be where we are. When we are impatient we try to get away from where we are. We behave as if the real thing will happen tomorrow, later and somewhere else. Let's be patient and trust that the treasure we look for is hidden in the ground on which we stand.

Spiritual Choices

Choices. Choices make the difference. Two people are in the same accident and severely wounded. They did not choose to be in the accident. It happened to them. But one of them chose to live the experience in bitterness, the other in gratitude. These choices radically influenced their lives and the lives of their families and friends. We have very little control over what happens in our lives, but we have a lot of control over how we integrate and remember what happens. It is precisely these spiritual choices that determine whether we live our lives with dignity.

Causing my heart to pray...

Some headlines drawing me into a space of prayer tonight:

Women Banned from Baghdad Shrine

Tetris Helps to Reduce Trauma

Ethiopia Imposes Aid Agency Curbs

Tremors Hit Indonesia Quake Area

Earthquake Deaths Highest Since 2004

Bits and Bobs...

Headlines and other things that caught my attention today:

Strike on Gaza School Kills 40

Calgary's First Murder of '09 Victim Fled Violence in Somalia

Murder Victim Had No Link to Gangs

Calgary Family Trapped in Gaza

and this cartoon at "The Naked Pastor"

Close to the Brokenhearted

Psalm 34:18 (NLT)
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.

I'm drawing comfort in new ways from this tonight.

Fascinating Stories

A couple articles that caught my attention this morning...

Child Eloper's Africa Plan Foiled - ah, young love. this one made me smile.

How the City Hurts Your Brain - I found this article on the effects that living in an urban environment has on your brain to be quite fascinating.

(A Sort of) Quiet

Sunday night.
Curled up in bed.
one magic bag draped around my neck
the other spread across my feet
both bringing warmth
and easing pain.

music playing
a gift that came by mail
from a friend

from where I sit to write
I can see three roses
12 lit candles
and some that aren't lit
4 crosses
4 photos.

on my lips I can still taste
the sea salt
of Mediterranean extraction
that flavored my dinner
an accidental purchase
yesterday, while I was looking for roses
before the drive and gift of peace
an accidental prayer, really

this has been
a day of extremes
emotionally
physically
spiritually

and so I sit in bed
and wait.

much of the "today I'm going to"
(take control of my life)
list has been accomplished.
only a few things remain.

there are emails to return
one to someone with whom
relations have been strained
one to another continent
a reply to a long expected note
that unexpectedly tore a hole
in my heart
more pieces shattered
and piercing
one a thank you for the music
that arrived in yesterdays mail
handed to me when I stopped to
pick up a bottle of wine
at my parents
and two to well-meaning relatives
reaching out for relationship
that I don't quite know
what to do with.

then scripture
time with Jesus again
readying for another long week

trying the new vitamins
recommended by a friend as
a possible way to aid with sleep

thereby
closing out a day that began
with another crying jag
(they've been a daily thing of late)
and contained within it
laughter
anger
love
hurt
practicality
unease
and
rest
in mixed and uneven portions
sometimes not waiting for the previous
to leave before it arrived,
overlapping experiences of life.

tonight my heart has
(a sort of) quiet.

Things I Wonder About

I think I'm going to start a regular feature... just random thought statements that cross my mind. "Things I wonder about..."

I'm starting with this:

Who on earth came up with the name baby's breath for that particular flower? No baby I've ever held has had breath as foul smelling as this particular beautiful but entirely stinky flower. It smells more like animal pee than anything else... and why something so foul smelling is always paired with something as lovely as roses is yet another mystery to me...

Taking Control

There are certain aspects of life that have been rather rough lately, and I'm feeling the need to exert some control over the chaos again.

I had another crying jag this morning, and eventually managed to stuff it down enough to head out and do a couple of necessary errands. Then I came home and contemplated food and the need to exert some control.

So, I'm sitting at my kitchen table, with a number of things I love, and/or things I need to accomplish spread out around me.

I'm eating a pancake sandwich. Have you been introduced to this fantastic treat? You take leftover pancakes (I make FANTASTIC pancakes), and use them like the bread for a sandwich. For best results, you should fill your sandwich with smooth peanut butter and raspberry jam.

I'm also sipping at a cup of pomegranete green tea. Steeped for four minutes. Because the three minutes listed on the box just doesn't make it quite strong enough.

I have the roses I bought yesterday nearby.

A bottle of water.

Some vitamins that I'm working on remembering to take regularly.

A couple pens. Several books. My daytimer, Bible and journal. Several dvds and a CD.

A long list of things I want done today. Some relaxing, and some that are quite hard.

Like I said, it's time to exert a little bit of control. (Which, I think is a bad word.) So maybe I'll just say I'm taking charge, or that I'm exercising leadership over my own life. Is that a more acceptable way to put it?

Headline

Just one of several headlines catching my eye this morning.

Strong Earthquakes Hit Indonesia

Storm Quieted (A Heart at Peace)

A heart finally a bit at peace.

The day in a few images.

Triple Shooting and a Longer Year

A couple headlines that caught my attention today:

Triple Shooting Gets 09 off to a Deadly Start (this is rather near my home, which is concerning.)

Why 2008 Was a Long Year (just because there is a certain amount of humor in the fact that the year which seemed so long quite literally was longer!)

Joy and Sorrow: Our Spiritual Parents

another thought from Henri Nouwen:

Our Spiritual Parents

Joy and sorrow are never separated. When our hearts rejoice at a spectacular view, we may miss our friends who cannot see it, and when we are overwhelmed with grief, we may discover what true friendship is all about. Joy is hidden in sorrow and sorrow in joy. If we try to avoid sorrow at all costs, we may never taste joy, and if we are suspicious of ecstasy, agony can never reach us either. Joy and sorrow are the parents of our spiritual growth.

The Neighbor's Yard

Those of you who have been reading this blog for a while will know that I have two younger brothers.

We had a big back yard growing up, and we (well, mostly they) spent a great deal of time playing every game involving a flying ball or frisbee ever invented in said back yard. Our neighbors on one side (in the early years anyway) were a kindly old couple who didn't mind if we went into their yard to retrieve one of the balls or other flying objects that seemed to inevitably go "over the fence". We never fought about who had to retrieve things from their yard.

The neighbors on the other side however, were fearsome. A woman and her husband whose children had long since grown. An avid (almost obsessive) gardener, who got angry and yelled every time something inadvertantly went over her fence. (She also once yelled at us for "playing too loudly" while they were entertaining company on the patio in their garden.) She would threaten to keep anything that went over her fence, and stealth was required in it's retrieval. If she caught you in her yard, you were in for yet another tongue lashing. We fought regularly over whose fault it was when something went into her yard, and who was therefore obligated to try and retrieve it.

I remembered all this this morning when I read the following article, which made me smile:
Woman, 89, Who Kept Boy's Football Sues Parents

New Year

It's a new year. Actually, we're only a few short hours from already being on the second day of the new year.

I've wondered all day what I would write here. I wrote here the equivalent of nearly twice a day for the last 365 days. And all day I've wondered what I would say to you.

I didn't really celebrate last night. This last week has seen a coming to a head of some things I've struggled with and prayed about all year. I didn't receive any invitations to go out this year, and I'm not really all that sure that I would have accepted if I had. My heart was pretty shattered by the time I reached yesterday, and despite not having the energy or motivation to go out, I was lonely.

I spent a chunk of the evening praying. Quietly sitting in my living room. Sometimes crying. I had bread and wine, and orange and some chocolate. I shed a few tears, and read some scripture aloud, my voice echoing a little in our quiet house. I came back again to a Psalm that has been a particular favorite, that has marked much of my journey.

Psalm 116

1 I love the Lord because he hears my voice
and my prayer for mercy.
2 Because he bends down to listen,
I will pray as long as I have breath!
3 Death wrapped its ropes around me;
the terrors of the grave overtook me.
I saw only trouble and sorrow.
4 Then I called on the name of the Lord:
“Please, Lord, save me!”
5 How kind the Lord is! How good he is!
So merciful, this God of ours!
6 The Lord protects those of childlike faith;
I was facing death, and he saved me.
7 Let my soul be at rest again,
for the Lord has been good to me.
8 He has saved me from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling.
9 And so I walk in the Lord’s presence
as I live here on earth!
10 I believed in you, so I said,
“I am deeply troubled, Lord.”
11 In my anxiety I cried out to you,
“These people are all liars!”
12 What can I offer the Lord
for all he has done for me?
13 I will lift up the cup of salvation
and praise the Lord’s name for saving me.
14 I will keep my promises to the Lord
in the presence of all his people.

15 The Lord cares deeply
when his loved ones die.
16 O Lord, I am your servant;
yes, I am your servant, born into your household;
you have freed me from my chains.
17 I will offer you a sacrifice of thanksgiving
and call on the name of the Lord.
18 I will fulfill my vows to the Lord
in the presence of all his people—
19 in the house of the Lord
in the heart of Jerusalem.

Praise the Lord!

I was in bed, asleep, long before midnight.

~~~

I started the new year by making a visit to my park. "My" park. The spot I go to meet with Jesus. The spot I go when my heart hurts. I went praying that today he would have words for my heart, words of healing and comfort. To be honest, I kind of wanted the "big moment" that happens occasionally. My heart has felt dry and cracked and hungry, in need of a flood of sorts. God has called my heart to pray on behalf of others often recently, and I am tired. Not resentful, just in need of renewing. I felt guilty, to be completely honest, asking God if just this morning, for a few minutes he'd speak just for my heart, and not for those whom I care deeply about, and who I've been praying for. I'd felt him calling me to the park this morning, and I was hoping for those healing words. They didn't really come. There was silence mostly, the pull to keep walking in moments when I was ready to call it quits. I paused a few times, in the silence (not many people are out fairly early in the morning on New Year's Day) to watch the chickadees flit and play in the bare snow covered branches. A walk in the park is never a waste, but today, my heart had hoped for more.

After the park I went to the zoo to visit with the gorillas. Buying a zoo pass was one of the best things I did last year. I love to go early in the morning to the zoo, before it gets busy, and spend 20 minutes or half an hour watching the gorillas. This morning they were mostly resting too. But it is beautiful and warm in the enclosure, and one of the few places that I have found to be a place where, for those minutes that I spend there, my heart quiets and finds joy and peace.

I rounded out the day with a trip to the mall to return a birthday present I'd bought for someone that turned out to be "not quite right", and to continue the quest for a dressier winter coat. I bought one today. A pretty, sort of plaid black and white one, that has a high collar and falls nearly to my knees. I knew it was the one because I looked in the mirror and felt beautiful. Not the every day, doctored kind of beautiful, but elegant, in a classic, 1950s black and white movie, Audrey Hepburn sort of way.

I spent the rest of the afternoon cleaning my house, cooking lunch, showering. Doing the mundane sorts of things that are neither particularly relaxing, nor particularly tiring. I joined my parents and youngest brother for Chinese take out for dinner, and now I'm home, already in my pajamas, writing from bed. I'll read for a while, then hopefully sleep early.

I'm tired, and my heart still feels a bit disappointed. I am asking Jesus for direction, for the ability to dream again without fear of brokenness. I need to meet with Him deeply in the next few days. I need to start the new year off well. I need this year to be different than the last. To be marked with hope and joy and peace far more prominently than hopelessness, anguish, sorrow and brokenness.

It's snowing again, and my heart is tired of the cold. I long for warmth, and the coming again of spring.

I pray that the new year will be marked by warmth and beauty for each and every one of you, and that Jesus will encounter each of you deeply and beautifully as your year begins.