Trees, twirling skirts, mental health and dreams

I've been dreaming about trees nearly every night this week. Not trees of the leafy variety, full, blooming with life, but old and twisted trees, beautiful in their own, stately sort of way. Rugged, black and white sort of images - very Ansel Adams'esque. Trees that have faced the varied elements and challenges thrown at them by nature and still found a way to stand. I don't know what the dreams mean, why these images have reappeared over and over, but there is a deep beauty, peace and strength in the images. I'm putting a picture that I found on a google search in here, to give you a sort of idea of what I've been seeing every night as I sleep.



I'm thinking a lot this week about freedom. About really stepping out into that. Every time I talk with Jesus about freedom in my life lately, I begin to see the same picture. I am alone in a field, a sunlit, beautiful place. I am wearing a twirling skirt and dancing freely, spinning around and around and around in sheer joy. As I go through my week I find myself unconsciously looking for fields, wanting to spin, to dance, to step into that freedom. When I shop these days, I'm keeping my eyes open for a very feminine, bohemian sort of twirling skirt, for that coming moment of freedom.

I had a conversation with my mom tonight, and I'm thinking again about homelessness and mental health issues. It would seem that one of my uncles has again been arrested (this time for trespassing in a public place - sleeping in a bathroom), and instead of jail, they've committed him to a mental health facility for a length of time. He's bipolar, and had gone off his meds before this current episode. You kind of have to have all of the background, but my mom's family is full of weird dynamics and unstable people. You think rather differently about homelessness when one of your family members is living on the streets of some major US cities. You tend to think differently about mental illness when you've visited a family member in a mental health facility, because it was their last resort.

Those are the things on my mind tonight. Dreams, twisted trees full of strength and beauty. Freedom and twirling skirts. Mental health and homelessness.

(images are from here and here).

Retreat

Retreat
1. the forced or strategic withdrawal of an army or an armed force before an enemy, or the withdrawing of a naval force from action.

2.	the act of withdrawing, as into safety or privacy; retirement; seclusion.

3.	a place of refuge, seclusion, or privacy: The library was his retreat.

(dictionary.com)

Any good historian will tell you that there are times in the midst of battle in which one must retreat, withdraw, regroup.

I think that's where I'm living right now. Since the new year, my life has been a battle of proportions I've never before encountered, and at this juncture I find myself exhausted and in need of a chance to withdraw into safety, to find a place of refuge and seclusion.

I don't know anymore if that is the wisest course of action, but it is the course of action I've chosen for a bit.

I'm curled up inside myself, hiding from reality in novels, losing myself in the lives of characters for whom, if life does not turn out perfect, there is almost always a perfectly obvious redeeming characteristic or event readily available.

I'm regrouping, asking myself questions I thought long settled, that have been stirred by events of the past week. I'm wondering what my answers are to the questions "who am I?" and "what am I made for?" I would have told you that I could answer those, but someone close to me told me a week ago that I could not, that I used pretty words to answer, that served to cover "aimless maturing" and "unfocused passion". I am deeply stung by this accusation, and find myself questioning even the things that seem most simple and true in my supposed answers.

I am thinking this week about the story of the treasure buried in the field, and the pearl of great price, and the man who gave up everything to obtain that one thing. It feels as if there are things that will cost me dearly in front of me, in order that I might obtain that one true treasure.

I'm wondering at my own growing intuition and awareness of things that would seem to exist only in the spiritual realm. I was shopping in a trendy neighborhood with my mom last weekend, visiting a clothing consignment shop that shared space with a new age/occult bookstore and crystal shop. I noticed the sign advertising psychics in the back of the book portion of the shop, but paid little attention as I headed towards the door. My mom paused to look at something that had caught her eye, and I paused alongside her. A gentleman approached me and asked if I was "Nicole" (I think that's the name he used). Everything inside me instantly tensed, the spiritual part of me jumping back. This perfectly jovial, rotund late middle-aged gentleman had incited an unexpected response. Looking back, I'm quite sure that he was one of the advertised psychics. (Which brings to mind the old joke about psychics - "if he was truly psychic, why didn't he know who the person was that was to meet him?")

I'm surprised by the directions God has led my thoughts and prayers. I took a long walk on Saturday morning in Fish Creek Park, taking time to pray and prepare myself for an encounter I was dreading later in the day. I was slightly surprised to find myself unable to pray for that situation, and delighted as Jesus led me through a long period of interceeding for friends all over the world, before very naturally walking with me through my own requests for that day and the next weeks and months.

I feel in retreat. I'm taking a few moments to regroup, to try and rest, to focus less on the intensity of the things going on in my life. I'm working through the very mundane tasks on my "to-do" list for this week. Things like cleaning the bathroom, laundry, tidying my desk, emptying the garbage pail in my bedroom, watching a rented DVD, and updating the playlists on my ipod. I'm making space for reading and studying, but also space for novels, movies, and the relationships I'm involved in that are life-giving.

I feel oddly off balance when it comes to writing. Like there are a million things to say and at the same time absolutely nothing worth saying.

If the blog is quiet this next week or so, you now know why!

A Barrage of Henri Nouwen

Okay, so I haven't had time to post them before now, but here's a hole bunch of gems from Nouwen that have arrived in my inbox over the last week and a half. Hope you enjoy them!

The Breath of God Within Us

When we speak about the Holy Spirit, we speak about the breath of God, breathing in us. The Greek word for "spirit" is pneuma, which means "breath." We are seldom aware of our breathing. It is so essential for life that we only think about it when something is wrong with it.

The Spirit of God is like our breath. God's spirit is more intimate to us than we are to ourselves. We might not often be aware of it, but without it we cannot live a "spiritual life." It is the Holy Spirit of God who prays in us, who offers us the gifts of love, forgiveness, kindness, goodness, gentleness, peace, and joy. It is the Holy Spirit who offers us the life that death cannot destroy. Let us always pray: "Come, Holy Spirit, come."

Jesus' Freedom

Jesus was truly free. His freedom was rooted in his spiritual awareness that he was the Beloved Child of God. He knew in the depth of his being that he belonged to God before he was born, that he was sent into the world to proclaim God's love, and that he would return to God after his mission was fulfilled. This knowledge gave him the freedom to speak and act without having to please the world and the power to respond to people's pains with the healing love of God.

That's why the Gospels say: "Everyone in the crowd was trying to touch him because power came out of him that cured them all" (Luke 6:19).

Jesus' Compassion

Jesus is called Emmanuel which means "God-with-us" (see Matthew 1: 22-23). The great paradox of Jesus' life is that he, whose words and actions are in no way influenced by human blame or praise but are completely dependent on God's will, is more "with" us than any other human being.

Jesus' compassion, his deep feeling-with us, is possible because his life is guided not by human respect but only by the love of his heavenly Father. Indeed, Jesus is free to love us because he is not dependent on our love.

Jesus' Self-Portrait

Jesus says: "Blessed are the poor, the gentle, those who mourn, those who hunger and thirst for uprightness, the merciful, the pure in heart, the peacemakers, and those who are persecuted in the cause of uprightness" (Matthew 5:3-10). These words offer us a self-portrait of Jesus. Jesus is the Blessed One. And the face of the Blessed One shows poverty, gentleness, grief, hunger, and thirst for uprightness, mercy, purity of heart, a desire to make peace, and the signs of persecution.

The whole message of the Gospel is this: Become like Jesus. We have his self-portrait. When we keep that in front of our eyes, we will soon learn what it means to follow Jesus and become like him.

Jesus is Poor

Jesus, the Blessed One, is poor. The poverty of Jesus is much more than an economic or social poverty. Jesus is poor because he freely chose powerlessness over power, vulnerability over defensiveness, dependency over self-sufficiency. As the great "Song of Christ" so beautifully expresses: "He ... did not count equality with God something to be grasped. But he emptied himself, ... becoming as human beings are" (Philippians 2:6-7). This is the poverty of spirit that Jesus chose to live.

Jesus calls us who are blessed as he is to live our lives with that same poverty.

Jesus is Gentle

Jesus, the Blessed One, is gentle. Even though he speaks with great fervor and biting criticism against all forms of hypocrisy and is not afraid to attack deception, vanity, manipulation and oppression, his heart is a gentle heart. He won't break the crushed reed or snuff the faltering wick (see Matthew 12:20). He responds to people's suffering, heals their wounds, and offers courage to the fainthearted.

Jesus came to bring good news to the poor, sight to the blind, and freedom to prisoners (see Luke 4:18-19) in all he says, and thus he reveals God's immense compassion. As his followers, we are called to that same gentleness.

Softly...

This has been one of the more challenging weeks of my life in recent history, and I find myself somewhat at a loss for words to describe it, to help those around me understand.

I say that because I've tried to describe it in person to friends over the course of the week, and haven't been able to find the words. Only one has understood, and he understood because he has lived some similar experiences.

I promise that I'll make a stab at it for you in the next few days. Really, I'll make a stab at it for me, because this blog, if nothing else is a way for me to chronicle my life and the journey God has been taking me on.

My brain still feels quiet. Things moving softly. The processing more deep and internalized than it has been in a while.

I'd appreciate your prayers as I walk out some difficult situations. I'm asking God for courage, strength, patience and peace.

The End of a Balancing Act?

I feel like I’ve been walking this bizarre tightrope/balancing act in a whole bunch of arenas of my life for a very long time now.

The line between honoring God and honoring my parents.

The line between the intellectual and the experiential.

The line between the world I grew up in, and the world I find myself a part of.

The line between individualism and community.

I’m tired of the balancing. I never have liked middle ground – too exposed – being shot at from both sides. I’m wondering what would happen if I just let myself fall? What if I just picked a side, and tumbled off the tightrope? Can I do that? I don’t know if I can keep up the balancing act much longer…

Cryptic

Okay, I know that last post is cryptic...

It's been a rather long and interesting span of time between the end of work yesterday and now...

Pretty painful, lots of tears...

I promise an update sometime in the next few days...

For unnamed friends

There are no guarantees in life
Not for the present,
Nor for the future.
All I know is
That I'm here;
Don't know for how long.
I love the way
You live so intensely
Enjoy every minute of life
With space to swing
Your arms around
Laughing loudly

Unlike me
Unlike me
(Kate Havnevik - Unlike Me)

Random Wednesday Thoughts

Allergy season is in full bloom, and I’m sneezing my days away, dealing with itchy eyes and a stuffy nose, and (almost – not really) wishing for the calmer days of winter. Though that may not actually be that far away – they’re predicting that we’ll get snow again sometime in the next few days…

I’m having one of those fuzzy headed, tired, gray sort of days. I can’t wait until the work day ends and I can go home.

I’m cooking dinner at home tonight. It was a mother’s day gift for my mom. I told her I’d cook once a week between mother’s day and when my parents leave for Ukraine (June 4th – approximately 3 times cooking). I think I’m making a sort of Vietnamese dish tonight, rice vermicelli, with chicken and vegetables overtop, and either fish sauce or a ginger sauce. Quick to make, easy, and tastes pretty good. The most time consuming part is chopping the veggies. I just called home and reminded mom to take the chicken out of the freezer so that it thaws and cooks more quickly when I get home after work.

After that, maybe a trip to the library, or maybe just relaxing and watching television or a movie. A bit of reading may be in order, and sending some emails will probably get done too. And I have to proof a friend’s resume.

My back has stiffened up again. It seemed to have gotten better over the weekend, but in the last day it has tightened right back into a number of knots. The trouble this time is that I know that this is strongly related to some emotional/spiritual stuff, but I’m not sure how to release that stuff so that it stops plaguing my body.

I’ve never been good at just crying. Some people I know can just have a good cry and let it out. I need something to trigger the tears, and even then, they rarely last very long…

We’ll see… things seem to have gone underground again… maybe waiting for the right opportunity to surface. Self-examination seems to help – writing update type notes to the friends whom I really trust, and forcing myself to honestly evaluate where I’m at in various places in life tends to be helpful in releasing emotional tension. And since I need to write at least a couple of those emails this week, maybe I’ll try that!

Okay, well, I still don’t have anything to do here at work, but I guess I’ll go back to trying to find something to do!

See you later!

Personality Test

I took a personality test here.

Can I just say that I love personality tests? I'm fascinated by the idea that answering a series of yes or no questions can tell you a great deal about yourself, and to some extent accurately determine who you are as a person.

I tested as an INFJ. (which incidentally is what I usually test as).

You can read about INFJ's here. (Very interesting stuff...)

The Secret to Blog Hits

I've discovered the secret to blogging success (assuming of course that success is measured purely in numbers!) Just mention Patrick Dempsey's name on your blog, and your hits will go up overnight!

Seriously, that's what happened! I mentioned that Megs and I didn't like Patrick Dempsey's character in "Freedom Writers" which we watched last night, and my hit meter jumped overnight. Crazy.

This has now become a goal of mine... perhaps I'll try and work Patrick Dempsey into every blog post I write for the next while, even the deep spiritual ones. It could be a fun game!

Nightfall

It's getting late (in my grandma like world of weird sleeping patterns!), and I must be off to bed soon, but thought I'd do a little writing, a few snapshots of the day before I headed to bed.

I went shopping at the dollar store this afternoon. I bought something like 20 items, mostly things that I will need for establishing my own home, for around twenty-two dollars. That made me VERY happy.

I can now access wireless internet with my laptop anywhere in the house. Hello blogging in bed! Also blogging in the living room, emails in the easy chair, and facebook in the basement (to name a few).

I hung out with Megs tonight. We watched "Freedom Writers" and ate "sex in a pan." She drank coffee, and I had tea, and we buried ourselves under blankets (my basement is COLD) and had a great time. I really liked the movie. We were, however, both disappointed in Patrick Dempsey's character. So completely un "mcdreamy"!

Megs left a few minutes ago to work the night shift, and I'm heading off to do a little bit of reading before crashing for the night. Short work week this week. So good.

I'm thinking a lot about the tattoo that I'm hoping to get lately. I'll describe it here sometime. It's a picture God gave me a few months back, from some words that various friends spoke out over me. It's also becoming very symbolic of the place in life that I'm in. Rae is designing it, and we'll probably get tattoos (different ones) done together sometime over the course of the summer. (I'm totally wimpy, and have always sworn that there would never be anything that I'd want permanently etched on my body, but I really want this.)

On the whole tattoo note - can I just say that I think my generation is going to be the ugliest generation of old people ever? I keep picturing all of us with tattoos, and piercings, and those awful stretched out earlobes when we're eighty and everything is sagging all over the place. Hideously funny, I think!

Anyway, I'm off to bed. I wish the noise of the rain was there, like last night. It was so peaceful to fall asleep to...

Shut down

I feel somewhat shut down emotionally right now, and at the same time intensely aware. Does that make any sense at all?

The emotional stuff that I don't quite know how to handle is taking it's usual toll on my body. The muscles along my spine have tightened into painful knots, and my neck is perpetually stiff and sore. Add a bad bout of spring allergies to the mix and you've got all the makings of a good week.

I need to find some people to talk some of this out with sometime soon... The church stuff, the family stuff again. Trouble is that at the moment almost all of the people I would immediately pinpoint as people who could listen actively - that is, help me hear the parts of God and myself that I really need to hear in the midst of all of this - all of those people are on other continents or in other cities just presently! So I'll either be having some longish phone conversations in the coming days, writing epic length emails, or finding some new friends!

I came across a piece of writing I did on Christmas Eve last year this morning. I posted it on my blog then, and it rings so very true now. The time of transition has arrived, and like any great transition, I have absolutely no idea how it's going to play out.

I really am okay. I have this trust in Jesus right now that shocks me. I have this understanding of the deep level of healing he has brought in the past, and the hope that it too will come again soon.

Doing lots of praying these days. Lots of talking, and lots of listening too. Lots of waiting. (I'm not very good at waiting.) But I trust, and while that surprises me every time I pause and think about it, I think that it's a very good thing.

hmm...

I picked T. up from work tonight. We were supposed to meet a mutual friend who's headed out of the country this weekend. She didn't show. We waited for over half an hour, and nothing.

But we had a great conversation instead. T. and I are pretty close, and he's been gone for the last two and a half weeks on a tour with the choir from his school. It was great to catch up, to talk about life, about the spiritual stuff, about forthcoming changes. T. is the one member of my family that it feels safe to be completely honest about the things I'm thinking, the things I believe, who I really am. I'll miss conversations with him when I move out, but will simply have to be more intentional about hooking up with him to catch up.

Silent

The voice inside my head that translates thoughts into writing has been strangely silent the last few days. Almost like I dumped enough stuff out that it doesn't feel like my head will explode if I don't write down just that one more thing. (In case you're wondering, this is a VERY good thing! It means I'm feeling more at peace and less overwhelmed than I have in a while.)

I started reading a great book on youth ministry this week. It's explaining to me in a very clear way why I've been so unhappy and ill at ease in the church I attend and do youth ministry at. It's challenging me for the future (though I don't know if much youth ministry is actually in my future I know there will be counseling in my future, and I have a heart for young women, so I figure it applies). It's shaping my thoughts about life and faith.

I'll tell you all about it and give you some great quotes once I finish reading it.

In the meantime, I'm off to pick up my brother and hang out with a mutual friend who heads back overseas for a month this weekend.

See you soon.

Today's Headline

Anyone who knows me will know that I am quite fascinated by mental health issues. As such, the headline that caught my eye today should be no surprise. It deals with the mental health issues that have arisen in New Orleans, post Hurrican Katrina, and the lack of available facilities to treat them. You can find it here.

Something Died and Healing is Coming?

Sunday was an interesting day for me.

Those of you who know a bit about my journey this last while will know that I am struggling with some deep and somewhat harmful relational issues with my mom, and while I love her dearly, a day dedicated to talking about close relationships with mothers was somewhat trying.

On Sunday night I wrote a single line in my journal. "Something broke in me today." That was it. I was in the middle of a random conversation before church started, talking about a worship song the team was practicing in the background that I happen to dislike (hate would be a better word), and something snapped and died inside of me, and I started to weep, right in the middle of the conversation. (Not exactly the way to appear mentally stable!) Just like that, from one moment to the next, a season in my life came to an end. I'm not sure yet how that will pan out, what it means, what I'll do with it, but it's over. I wept twice more before the service was over - once while hiding at the back during the worship set, and once when someone I've known for a very long time, and have some level of trust with commented that I seemed down that day.

I watched a movie with my mom that night (great story, made me laugh, despite some plot gaps), but was still quite discouraged and worn down from the emotional nature of the day. I came upstairs after the movie ended, checked my email, and found a message from a dear friend. It was two sentences. "I love you. And I love your heart." I so desperately needed to hear that that day, when I was struggling so deeply with the way my heart was clashing against so many things in my immediate life. God's timing in my receiving that particular note was beautiful.

I wrote the following yesterday, as I reflected on the events of the weekend, and particularly on Sunday. I think it quite nicely sums up the present state of my life...

So, I'm back in the place of waiting, and wondering what comes next. There are some commitments that I need to honor for the remainder of this month, and for the month of June, before some things that have died in me can truly come to an end. There are great hopes and dreams for the time over the summer, for new things, new people, new places, new relationship with God and others. There is a growing urging to study and pray and meditate and write, to find some rhythms for my life. There is a sense of great discouragement, of grief and pain, of exhaustion, and even some anger. There is also a sense of great and ever growing hope.

I was reminded of a line from a Rita Springer song as I walked from the train to the office this morning, "I was made for war! I was made for battle, Lord!" I haven't felt up to the battle this last while, though I've been quite aware of it raging around me. I felt a sense of strength returning this morning, a hope for things to come, things worth doing battle for. A willingness to step in and really fight for the things I feel God speaking, not simply wait passively for them to arrive.

As I was writing this, I was reminded of a line from Scripture, "...My God shall supply all your needs..."

And one last line, from a Chris Tomlin song that God has repeatedly used to remind and encourage me this last while, "...I am loved by the King, and it makes my heart want to sing..."

The Promised Update

I appreciate your prayers over the course of the weekend, and I’ve been wondering how to find the right words to describe the goings on…

We arrived safely in Canmore, on schedule, checked in to the hostel, cooked dinner, and then gathered for our evening. The teaching (the bit I was most nervous about) went quite well, though the format was slightly different from what I pictured in my head, and I was thus less able to follow my well laid out notes, and was somewhat more scattered. To be honest, I have no particular idea if the things we talked about that evening hit home in any of the kids, but I pray that they were challenged and encouraged by some of the things that were spoken.

I did, however, choose to share a bit personally from my own journey as I spoke about the silence of God. I spoke with a great deal of frankness about the five years that I suffered from depression, telling these young people about how frustrated I found myself with the silence of God in that time of my life, and about the frank prayers I spent so many hours repeating in those years, asking to simply be allowed to die, for life seemed completely hopeless and without meaning. I wasn’t sure how this would go over, what the shock level would be, and I was quite carefully watching certain faces as I spoke about this time in my life. I have known some of these young people since they were toddlers, and knew that none of them would have been aware of this season in my life, as it was something I very carefully worked to conceal from the church and world at large during the time I was going through it, thanks to the stigma attached to things like depression, and the corresponding frustration and anger with God. The shock I knew I would see was quite evident on certain faces!

I did not get much sleep that night (though that will surprise few of you who know me well!), but felt very much at peace as I laid on a top bunk and surveyed the young women sleeping all around me in the room. I spent much time praying for them, and simply listening for the voice of God as I lay awake through a big chunk of the night.

Saturday was filled with hiking, and a little bit of wandering around Canmore. We paused a couple of times on the hike, asking the kids to reflect on various topics, and on where they see God at work.

What was perhaps most exciting for me was a number of conversations I was able to have over the course of the weekend. Two of the girls rode in my car on the way up and the way home (though they slept most of the way home) and we were able to chat about a wide range of topics, and speak fairly openly about a number of things.

While hiking down the mountain on Saturday, one of the guys approached me. This is one of the guys I’ve known since he was probably about three years old (he’s eighteen now) and one whose face had reflected shock as I spoke so openly the night before. For most of the way down, I answered his questions about that time in my life, and began to tell the story of the grace and healing from God that I encountered so powerfully. We didn’t manage to finish the conversation, but the option is there for the future, and I find that encouraging indeed.

I am rapidly discovering that perhaps the most powerful thing God has given me to speak is my own story of depression and healing. I am rapidly discovering that things such as mental illness are still much concealed in Christian circles, though very, very common. Every time I am given the freedom to share this part of my life it opens the door for unique and beautiful conversations. I am asking God to continue to allow me to share how overwhelmed I am at the grace he has poured out on my life in this manner with as many people as he would have me tell.

So, that’s the update…

There are other things to tell, things about the course of the weekend that don’t pertain directly to the youth retreat… let’s just say that I had a rather difficult and exhausting day yesterday… I’ll unfold those things over the next days and weeks as I begin to process them and come to terms with them.

The End of "Drink This Cup" (Henri Nouwen)

Last week I posted a series of three reflections from the Henri Nouwen society on the topic of “Drink This Cup”. I arrived at the office this morning and found the final two reflections in the series in my email inbox. Since they complete the thoughts from last week, I wanted to put them here as well.

Drinking the Cup
After firmly holding the cups of our lives and lifting them up as signs of hope for others, we have to drink them. Drinking our cups means fully appropriating and interiorizing what each of has acknowledged as our life, with all its unique sorrows and joys.

How do we drink our cups? We drink them as we listen in silence to the truth of our lives, as we speak in trust with friends about ways we want to grow, and as we act in deeds of service. Drinking our cups is following freely and courageously God's call and staying faithfully on the path that is ours. Thus our life cups become the cups of salvation. When we have emptied them to the bottom, God will fill them with "water" for eternal life.

Emptiness and Fullness

Emptiness and fullness at first seem complete opposites. But in the spiritual life they are not. In the spiritual life we find the fulfillment of our deepest desires by becoming empty for God.

We must empty the cups of our lives completely to be able to receive the fullness of life from God. Jesus lived this on the cross. The moment of complete emptiness and complete fullness become the same. When he had given all away to his Abba, his dear Father, he cried out, "It is fulfilled" (John 19:30). He who was lifted up on the cross was also lifted into the resurrection. He who had emptied and humbled himself was raised up and "given the name above all other names" (see Philippians 2:7-9). Let us keep listening to Jesus' question: "Can you drink the cup that I am going to drink?" (Matthew 20:22).

Stuff That Caught My Eye This Morning

Canadian Literacy Campaign for One

What is Stephen Harper Reading (follow up on the first article)

Because Wisconsin really is a STRANGE sort of place (I can say that because I have lots of family living there and long experience with the oddities of small town Wisconsin!)

Because I’m concerned about my ability to get to work if this happens


Because it made me think and I liked some of the thoughts it posed

Home, Update to Follow!

I made it home in one piece. Only three or so hours of sleep (youth retreat, in a hostel, yeah baby! especially when you already have a hard time sleeping). I promise a much more detailed account sometime in the next day or two... Thanks for praying!

The Cup of Life - from Henri Nouwen

Each week the emails I receive from the Henri Nouwen society follow a particular theme in his writing, that gradually develops over the course of the week.

Here are three of the reflections that I received this week and found particularly challenging.

The Cup of Life

When the mother of James and John asks Jesus to give her sons a special place in his Kingdom, Jesus responds, "Can you drink the cup that I am going to drink?" (Matthew 20:22). "Can we drink the cup?" is the most challenging and radical question we can ask ourselves. The cup is the cup of life, full of sorrows and joys. Can we hold our cups and claim them as our own? Can we lift our cups to offer blessings to others, and can we drink our cups to the bottom as cups that bring us salvation?

Keeping this question alive in us is one of the most demanding spiritual exercises we can practice.

Holding the Cup

We all must hold the cups of our lives. As we grow older and become more fully aware of the many sorrows of life - personal failures, family conflicts, disappointments in work and social life, and the many pains surrounding us on the national and international scene - everything within and around us conspires to make us ignore, avoid, suppress, or simply deny these sorrows. "Look at the sunny side of life and make the best of it," we say to ourselves and hear others say to us. But when we want to drink the cups of our lives, we need first to hold them, to fully acknowledge what we are living, trusting that by not avoiding but befriending our sorrows we will discover the true joy we are looking for right in the midst of our sorrows.

Lifting the Cup

When we hold firm our cups of life, fully acknowledging their sorrows and joys, we will also be able to lift our cups in human solidarity. Lifting our cups means that we are not ashamed of what we are living, and this gesture encourages others to befriend their truths as we are trying to befriend ours. By lifting up our cups and saying to each other, "To life" or "To your health," we proclaim that we are willing to look truthfully at our lives together. Thus, we can become a community of people encouraging one another to fully drink the cups that have been given to us in the conviction that they will lead us to true fulfillment.

Prayer Request Email

I sent out the following email to a number of friends who have supported me in prayer over the years tonight, but thought I'd put it here for all of you as well. I really would appreciate your prayers over the course of the weekend.

Hi All!
I haven’t talked to some of you in a while, and some of you I talk to all of the time, but you’re all friends, and I wanted to send out a quick update on what I’ve been up to lately, and to ask you to pray for an event I have going on this weekend.

I think a lot of you know that a number of months ago I very carefully and prayerfully made a decision to return to the church I grew up in for a season of time, and got involved in working with the youth group there. I can honestly say that this has been one of the most difficult, challenging and occasionally satisfying seasons of my life. As I’ve gotten to know these young people, God has given me a great heart for them, and to see them grow deeper in relationship with them.

So here’s where the prayer request comes in. This weekend we are taking them away on a retreat. Just a short, overnight Friday, back late afternoon on Saturday kind of thing, but I’d love it if you’d pray for us. You can pray specifically for me on Friday night, as I will be doing half of the teaching portion of the evening, talking about ways God speaks and how we can learn to hear his voice. This is a rather intimidating setting for me to broach this subject, as the church I grew up in is not particularly open to things of the Spirit. However, I strongly feel God’s leading as I have studied and prepared over the last couple of weeks, and am excited (and very nervous) to be presented with this opportunity. I believe that the Spirit has helped me put words around the things I want to communicate, and I am especially excited to talk about the times when God is silent, not speaking, since I know that a number of these students (and particularly some of the girls that I have been getting to know these last months) struggle with this at times. I am praying that God will give me complete freedom to speak what he’s laid on my heart for these young people, without worrying about whether or not this is exactly how the church I’m involved in would say it. I’m also asking God to give me many opportunities over the course of Saturday as we take the kids hiking and wander around the town we’re going to to have individual conversations with these young people and challenge and encourage them to continue pursuing the deep things of God. Pray specifically that any cliquishness that exists will be overcome, and that the group will really come together. As we’re hiking on Saturday, we’re going to pause a number of times along the way and invite the kids to journal (none of you should be particularly surprised that I get to give them a five minute introduction to why journaling is a useful spiritual tool) and begin to notice what God is saying or doing in the context of creation, their friends and families, and in their own lives.

For those of you who like specific details, we’re holding the retreat at a hostel in Canmore, Alberta. This is the most affordable solution we could come up with, and we were able to book a private meeting room on site for our gathering on Friday night. This will also allow us to cook together, and hang out in a relaxed setting. We think our teaching time will probably start around 9:30 p.m. or so, and I am teaching the second half, so probably starting around 10. Saturday we’re hiking in the morning, then wandering around town in the afternoon, returning to Calgary by around supper time.

Thank you all for your friendship and prayers. It’s greatly appreciated! I’ll be posting an update on how the weekend went on my blog at http://ofalltheliars.blogspot.com sometime after Saturday night (probably Sunday or Monday) if you’d like to find out how things go.

Blessings,

Lisa

One Word Quiz

Thought this was fun, so I did it and am passing it along.

1 Word quiz
You.
Can.
Only.
Type.
One.
Word.
Not as easy as you might think.
1. Where is your cell phone?: purse
2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend?: nope
3. Your hair?: ponytail
4. Work?: boring
5. Your father?: pastor
6. Your favorite thing?: books
7. Your dream last night?: didn’t
8. Your favorite drink?: tea
9. Your dream car?: anything
10. The room you're in?: office
11. Your pet?: dog
12. Your fears?: lots
13. What do you want to be in 10 years?: counselor
14. Where did you hang out last night?: Narnia
15. What you're not good at?: math
16. Eyebrow rings on the opposite sex?: unsure
17. One of your wish list items?: apartment
18. Where you grew up?: Calgary
19. The last thing you did?: lunch
20. What are you wearing?: clothes
21. what aren't you wearing?: socks
22. The website GoofyAuctions.com (filled with eBay spoofs)?: huh?
23. Your computer?: MAC
24. Your life?: good
25. Your mood? bored
26. Missing?: Kari
27. What are you thinking about right now?: speech
28. Your car?: non-existent
29. Your work?: boring
30. Your summer?: unplanned
31. Your relationship status?: looking...
32. Your favorite color?: green
33. When is the last time you laughed?: lunch
34. Last time you cried?: home
35. School?: yes

Youth retreat, moving out, and so on...

Okay, so I’ve caved and made a cup of tea. I’m freezing. For some reason I can’t seem to regulate the thermostat in my work area to a comfortable temperature. The rest of the building is fairly warm, but I’m cold (and I’m even wearing long sleeves today!) Oh well, tea it is… I was trying to not drink hot drinks in the mornings, in deference to the fact that it seems spring has finally arrived, and the weather has warmed, trying to stick to water and iced teas, but today, I’ve caved, and made a cup of hot tea.

And, while I was in the kitchen, someone gave me a couple of shortbread cookies to go with my tea that were extra food from what they’d brought in for a meeting. Fantastic!

I wrote the second half of my talk for the weekend last night. This part covered “God in the Silence,” and flowed much more easily than the first part. I think it quite nicely covers the points I’m hoping to draw the kid’s attention to. However, I still can’t figure out how to wrap the first part up and make some points. I’ve had no trouble figuring out how I want to tell the story of Elijah on Mt. Carmel, highlighting certain parts, but can’t figure out exactly how to turn from that story to a bit more practical application. So, my evening tonight will have to be devoted to packing, reviewing what I want to say, and figuring out how to wrap this up into a cohesive package… and I might preach it to myself in my bedroom, just to make sure that I’m around the right amount of time for what we’ve allotted for each section. Maybe no one will be at home tonight to hear my weird behavior!

If you have any big ideas, let me know!

Other than that, life moves right along. It’s beginning to look very possible that if I curtail my spending by a chunk (no more impulse purchases I guess!) I’ll be able to afford to move out in July (providing the roommate situation works out) and that I’ll also be able to add to my independence by buying a car. YAY! It might actually be better for building friendships anyway – lots of eating in, hanging out watching movies, instead of eating out (which I really do LOVE) and then just going our separate ways because we don’t know what to do next, or don’t have a place that works for inviting people over. Megs and I were talking about that last night – how we’re both looking forward to living in places where we feel comfortable inviting friends over, instead of in places where you have to wonder what your parents or in her case aunt and uncle, are doing, and whether you’re infringing on their plans. We’re looking forward to living in places where we don’t have to hole up in our bedrooms if we want to have a friend over and talk about personal stuff, but can have nice, open conversations on the couch in our living rooms. Whoo hoo! (And by the way, if I end up moving out, I’m accepting donations of furniture – so I have the aforementioned couch on which to have a conversation!)

Alright. I’m going back to work now. Not that I have all that much to do, just that I don’t particularly have anything further to say here right now.

If I don’t post tomorrow, please remember to pray for me this weekend. My great desire is that the words that come out of my mouth as I speak tomorrow night would be ordained by God, and directed by His Spirit to be the very words necessary for this group of young people to hear. Pray that I would feel free to be who I am, and not worry about what people will think.

Practical Application?

Okay, so I'm trying to figure out the practical implications of "God speaks in a big event" from the story of Elijah at Mt. Carmel to communicate to a bunch of teenagers on Friday night. That or some sort of personal story to make it more relatable (which is SO NOT a word, but hey, it's my blog, and I can use it if I want!) to their lives. I've got some ideas, but nothing is sparking in that "that's it" manner yet... so if you have ideas... let me know!

In the News

Okay, so I have a news story to tell you. I was listening to the news on the radio this morning, as I got ready for the day, and something caught my attention.

Apparently the major issue in the morning traffic commute was a herd of buffalo on a highway between Calgary and a small town just north of the city that many, many people commute from. What other city in the world of over a million people can you still find the major traffic issue being a herd of buffalo? It cracked me up, made me chuckle internally my whole train ride into work.

In other news, I found this article about high school dropouts in New York, and the successes in helping them graduate and succeed very interesting. Check it out.

Another Article

I came across this article about child mortality rates in Iraq after I posted the first set of articles this morning. It seems to fit the generally interconnected theme of all of the other articles from this morning, so I'm linking to it here.

Child Mortality Rate in Iraq Soars

Rethinking Church

I’m rethinking church. AGAIN.

I made a decision last fall, after talking with many trusted friends and advisors, people who know me well, and hear God well, to return to the church I grew up in. The church that my dad pastors. I sensed God leading in that direction, went back, got involved in youth ministry there, and have tried to settle in.

Except I haven’t settled in. At all. I mostly hate it. I feel like I’ve been fighting against all of the old reasons that I had left the church in the first place. The religious nature of it. The pressure to be someone I’m just not. The sense of expectation surrounding being a pastor’s kid. The lack of community with my peers (there aren’t any people my age at all). Most Sundays I haul myself out of bed and go out of obligation and guilt – I have a deal with the youth pastor I work with that I’ll be there 3 Sundays a month.

The last time I had a Sunday off, and stayed at home, it was the most spiritually profitable time I’d had in weeks, just sitting in an armchair with my bible and chatting with God.

I’m committed to working with the youth through until summer – probably the end of June. I’m planning to do some rethinking of the whole church thing over the summer. Maybe some church visiting – trying to find something that fits who I am a little better.

Or, here’s a thought. Maybe I’ll just take a break from church for a while. Is that blasphemous? It feels blasphemous because of the way I was raised. I know all about the importance of being in community with other Christians, but I have to wonder – if that need isn’t being met through the church I attend, is it worth it to go through the motions just for the sake of going to church somewhere? I actually really value worship and teaching times – I can’t imagine being away from church permanently, but right now, the idea of a bunch of quiet Sunday mornings, just hanging out alone with God is really, really appealing…

Thoughts? Ideas? Comments? I’d love to generate some dialogue around the issue of church – whether or not it’s important, if it is, why is it important, how do you define church, what is it exactly? If you want to help out in my thinking process by commenting, I’d be grateful!

Henri Nouwen, Again

Got another email from Henri Nouwen Society this morning, and am once again passing it along.

Sharing Freely Our Knowledge

Often we think that we do not know enough to be able to teach others. We might even become hesitant to tell others what we know, out of fear that we won't have anything left to say when we are asked for more.

This mind-set makes us anxious, secretive, possessive, and self-conscious. But when we have the courage to share generously with others all that we know, whenever they ask for it, we soon discover that we know a lot more than we thought. It is only by giving generously from the well of our knowledge that we discover how deep that well is.

Stressed...and restless

I’m having the sort of week (can you say that only two days in?) that feels really high in the stress level, and low in the patience level.

My job remains slow. It feels like such a waste of my time to be sitting at my desk pretending to be busy eight hours a day this week. I have so many other things that need to get done, that can’t be done while I’m sitting here pretending to be busy.

I’m realizing that I don’t really make enough money to have a social life, live outside of my parent’s home, and own a car. Not sure what I’m going to do about that… curtail the social life quite dramatically? Beg and plead for a raise even though I don’t have a yearly review until September? Live in “poverty” (keep in mind that I’m well aware of the way much of the rest of the world lives, but my salary with the expenses until September and then either get a raise or a new job? Carve time out of an already busy schedule and get a part-time job for a couple hours a week on weekends to supplement my income from my full-time job?

It kind of figures that I’d find myself living in one of the most expensive cities in the country to live in, just when I’m finally ready to exert some independence! And yet, someone asked me this morning why I don’t just leave Calgary, and I just can’t yet. I’ve spent a year wanting desperately to get out, and then, in the last few months, I’ve known that I’m still supposed to be here. One of my closest friends invited me to come live with her in Vancouver again recently, and while I said that I’d think about it, I really feel like I’m still supposed to be here for a while. Weird.

I made some progress on my list last night, after procrastinating for a while. I even wrote half of the talk I’m giving Friday night, though at this point I’m not happy with the ending of that bit yet. I’ll probably sit down and do the second half tonight.

There is a restlessness in me this week. An unsettledness as I prepare to make some changes in my life, as I wrestle with the fear of really speaking my heart this weekend. A desire to be doing something, anything really, other than sitting at my desk pretending to be busy.

Headlines that Caught Me Today

Palestinian Mothers That Become Suicide Bombers

New Leader of the Government in Northern Ireland

Peru Courting Canadian Oil Firms

Musicians Finding it Easier to Be Green

Tomb of King Herod Discovered

Is International Food Aid Working?

Here's a sampling of the stuff I read about in the news this morning. There's a rather international theme today, with all these various topics melding together in my head in a variety of interesting connections.

Avoiding my list

Okay, so I know I talked this morning all about how a list works for me. How it helps me not feel overwhelmed, to see what I have going on for a week, and plan it out nicely.

It's not working for me just at the moment!

In fact, I'm writing a blog post to avoid actually getting started on the things on my list, the biggest of which is writing a talk for the weekend.

Okay, okay, you've convinced me. I'm going to work. I'm going to change the sheets on my bed, and empty my garbage, and scrub a bathtub (well, maybe not the bathtub). The laundry is in progress, and I'm going to sit down for at least half an hour (hopefully more like an hour!) and study the stuff I'm supposed to be teaching.

See you tomorrow!

A Week in a Glance

"Personally I am always ready to learn, but I do not always like being taught." - Winston Churchill
I got this quote in an email this morning, and related a little. I feel like I’m living in that place a bit right now. Liking to learn, but not liking the process of being taught. Plus, I’ve always liked Winston Churchill – how geeky of a history major admission is that for first thing on a Monday morning?

So, here’s how my week looks:

Work: slow as has become the norm lately. Lots of surreptitious checking of email and facebook. Lots of writing blog posts in word to sneakily post by copying and pasting, thus minimizing the time that blogger is open on my computer. Getting really excited when there’s more than the usual amount of mail on a given day, because it means it might fill up a whole hour instead of only half an hour. Lots of tea drinking.

Youth: have to come up with something to say for half an hour on Friday night. What exactly was I thinking when I agreed to speak? Also, realizing that I hated this sort of retreat as a teenager, and I’m not looking forward to it all that much more as a grown-up person. I also need to attend the production of “The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe” at a local high school on either Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday (anyone want to go with me?) because one of my youth girls is starring as the White Witch, and another marginally connected youth girl is playing Mrs. Beaver.

Home: laundry. Change the sheets on my bed. At least five hours of studying (have to do something to figure out what I’m going to say for half an hour on Friday night). Little bit of cleaning. Trying to find a gift for mother’s day. Pick up the shoes I took in to have repaired on the weekend. Take some things I don’t need anymore to the local thrift shop for resale. A quick trip to the library. Pack for the youth trip. Revisit my budget and begin planning for moving out and car buying.

Friends: Lunch with Faye today. Lunch with Crystal either Thursday or Friday. Need to call Megs to find out when we’re getting together this week. Need to mail a card to another friend. Write a nice long newsy email to a friend I haven’t had time to catch up with since last fall. Find out when another friend leaves Calgary to go back to Thailand, and arrange to get together with her and my brother T. before she leaves.

This is a snapshot type version of the “To Do” list that I have begun to create as a way of organizing my week. It worked really well last week, so I’ve decided to try it again. There are a few left-overs from last week’s list that have spilled onto this week’s, but for the most part, I accomplished everything that was really important on the list, and am hoping that this will continue to be a successful way to bring some semblance of planning and order to my week. (It also helps me to have a big-picture list that lets me see everything for the week in one shot, and plan accordingly.)

I hope you all have a fantastic week!

Another Book

If you pay any sort of attention to these things, you'll notice that I've added another book to the list of completed readings in my sidebar. "Now and Then: A Memoir of Vocation" by Frederick Buechner. I really liked this one, but, for those of you who are keeping track, and know that I just added a book to that sidebar yesterday, let me be completely honest and admit that I borrowed this particular skinny little book from my brother late last fall, read over half of it then, and set it aside as I got involved in other books. I picked it up again yesterday afternoon, after finishing Pete Greig's book, and decided to finish it off.

It went much faster now that I've developed a strategy for reading borrowed books wherein I use little re-stickable flags to mark anything I want to take note of, and then go back and type it all into a reading notes file on my laptop for that particular book once I've finished. This is MUCH faster than my previous method of stopping every time I came across something noteworthy, and meticulously copying it by hand into my journal. It's also much easier to find the bit I want later on if I don't have to flip through weeks of journal entries!

And for those of you who are wondering what I liked about this particular book, here's a few little tastes:

Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery that it is. In the boredom and pain of it no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace. (pg. 87)

Part of what seems to happen in dreams – and what makes them prophetic – is that in them you lie out parts of yourself that have not yet entered your waking life either because you have never consciously recognized them or because for one reason or another you have chosen not to. Earthbound, you dream of flying. Inhibited, you dream of appearing in public stark naked. But it can be subtler than that, more profound and more telling, as dreams open out into the glimmering dusk of modes of being that you have not yet explored and may never explore but which are no less part of the mystery and the poetry of who you are. (pg. 99)

…If we really had our eyes open, we would see that all moments are key moments. That he who does not love remains in death. That Jesus is the Word made flesh who dwells among us full of grace and truth. (pg. 108)

Quick Reading Update

I finished Pete Greig's book, "God on Mute" this afternoon, and added it to my list of non-fiction reading on my sidebar. I'll probably write more about this eventually, particularly as I refer back to some of what Pete had to say as I prepare to teach my youth about the silence of God next weekend at our retreat, but for the moment, let me just say that overall I enjoyed this book that was so highly recommended to me by friends, and that I found what it had to say generally helpful, challenging and encouraging.

Lazy Saturday

I fully intend to do things slowly today, and manage to accomplish a lot.

I've done an hour of studying this morning, and now I'm headed out to do errands and shop for a couple of hours.

After that, home, a bit more studying, television watching, some cleaning, and basically, finishing off the things that are left on my list for the week, and maybe getting a start on preparing the list for next week.

I love the independence that comes when mom and dad are away, and I have a vehicle at my disposal. I can go anywhere I like, at any time I like. Or I can stay in and be a vegetable in front of the television, or both, or neither. FANTASTIC!

And with that, I'm off to find something to eat for breakfast, and to head out the door for my errands.

Rainy Friday Morning, but the weekend is coming!

Well, we set a rainfall record here in Calgary yesterday, almost doubling the record that had held since 1969.

However, even despite the onslaught of spring allergy season, I could smell the freshness in the air this morning as I walked to the train, and the weather forecast calls for sun to return to us tomorrow, with nice seasonally warm weather by the beginning of next week.

I’ve joined the world of Facebook, and am finding it equally as addicting as I was warned it could be. I’ve reconnected with a whole bunch of friends that I’ve valued and had lost touch with over the last couple of years. You can find me under “Lisa Pippus” if you’re interested in looking me up there.

There is a very strong possibility that I have located a room-mate, and could be out of my parents house by the beginning of July. Those of you who know me really well will know how significant this is to me on a spiritual, emotional, and just general mental sanity level! I’m excited that it could happen so quickly, and can’t wait to see what comes next, since I also intend to buy a car in July. Hello independence!

One of my friend’s is trying to design a tattoo for me. I’ve always loved the stuff she paints. I gave her a detailed description of what I wanted it to symbolize, and she’s working on drawing it. She goes to Australia in a week or two, and is asking God for the design for her own next tattoo while she’s there, and maybe for one for me as well. I told her that if I was going to get a design out of it, I’d be more than happy to pray that with her too. She wants to fly to Winnipeg, to get the tattoo done by another artist she really respects, and, since she’s a flight attendant, if she comes up with a design for me, I can probably tag along pretty cheaply and get mine done too. How random is that? Fly to Winnipeg to get a tattoo!

I’m looking forward to tonight and tomorrow… hanging out at home (and doing some errands). My parents are out of town, and so is my youngest brother, and the other brother is almost always out and about on the weekends, so I should have lots of time to just enjoy being on my own. Very refreshing when the whole family dynamics thing isn’t something I have to worry about, and I have to admit to loving doing errands and stuff like that on my own. Maybe I’ll rent a movie, or maybe I’ll just watch TV and hang out. I’ll do some studying (two hours left to meet the goal for this week), and some reading, and probably some prep for the youth retreat next week.

work, weather, and other grumpy things

I’m now on my third cup of mango rooibos tea for the day, and I’m eating the remainder of this morning’s box of smarties. Can I just say that I LOVE this tea? I love loose tea in general, and rooibos in specific, and this tin of tea, which I picked up at Oolong tea house in Kensington yesterday on my way to meet Rae for dinner is turning out to be a fantastic purchase.

The weather is truly miserable today. The skies are heavy and gray, and the rain is pouring down, broken up only by the occasional wet and heavy snowflake drifting by. Someone needs to tell mother nature that it is now May 3rd, and snow is just not acceptable any longer. We’re supposed to be basking in ever warming temperatures, not soggy grey skies with a touch of snow.

I hate days when the weather is like this, because it makes it very hard for me to pick my spirits up. Especially when it’s a day like today where I’m already battling spiritual and emotional stuff. Somehow, the sunshine makes it that much easier for me to find a reason to be happy.

I did some apartment pricing yesterday on the internet. It’ll definitely be a better deal to get a roommate, and there is a possibility on the horizon. I need to email her tonight and see if she’s interested. She arrives in Calgary next month, so if she’s interested we could possibly be in somewhere as soon as July 1.

I admit to complete boredom at my job just presently. The last project to cross my desk that was described by the person assigning it as “big” took me twenty minutes to complete. To be really honest, it only took 15, but I made it better than what he originally described to me, added some color and some features to make the table it contained more navigable, and that took an extra five minutes.

At least my direct supervisor appreciates me (though she’s only here a few days a week and I work full-time). To be honest, I’m fairly convinced that our general manager thinks I have no brain. I mentioned that to someone yesterday, and he laughed and reminded me that the general manager treats us all as if only he and two other people on staff have brains. This was only marginally encouraging.

I think, come September, unless my pay is dramatically increased, I’ll be looking for a similar sort of employment with a different company. I love my direct supervisor – our human resources manager, but I’m a bit fed up with all of the inter-office politics, and the people who have no inter-personal skills. I also know that there are lots of very similar jobs available in this field, that pay significantly better.

So, if anyone hears of anything fantastic in the human resources, reception, or administrative assistant fields, let me know!

Articles you should read

Relevant Magazine has recently posted a two part article that I found both challenging and poignant. It's written by a guy who is a pastor in a community of witches in the States. Very interesting stuff.

Read Part 1 here.

Read Part 2 here.

Mosaic Community - More from Henri Nouwen

Got this in my email this morning, and am passing it along.

The Mosaic That Shows Us the Face of God

A mosaic consists of thousands of little stones. Some are blue, some are green, some are yellow, some are gold. When we bring our faces close to the mosaic, we can admire the beauty of each stone. But as we step back from it, we can see that all these little stones reveal to us a beautiful picture, telling a story none of these stones can tell by itself.

That is what our life in community is about. Each of us is like a little stone, but together we reveal the face of God to the world. Nobody can say: "I make God visible." But others who see us together can say: "They make God visible." Community is where humility and glory touch.

Fear, a Youth Retreat, and Crepes for Dinner

I’m having a weird sort of day so far.

I’m sitting at my desk drinking mango rooibos tea, and eating smarties. (I eat them by color – is that slightly obsessive compulsive of me? And, before you ask, no I don’t “eat the red ones last.” I eat whatever I deem to be the “prettiest color” last – today that’s probably the blue ones. I eat them in order of color ugliness. Okay, yeah, that’s a little strange once you write it down.)

We had our planning meeting last night for the youth retreat we’re holding next weekend, and picked a topic. We’re going with a general theme of “How can we be more aware of God in our daily lives?” So, on the Friday evening we’re going to do some teaching around the theme of “How does God speak?” The pastor I work with will do the intro, and set the context of the scripture passage we’re using, and then will do “God speaks in a whisper”. After that, we take a short break, and then I’m doing “God speaks in a scream/big event” and “God speaks in silence/When God is silent”. The following day, we’re taking the kids hiking for 3 or 4 hours in the mountains near the town where we’re staying. Over the course of the hike and the rest of the day, we’ll stop three times for reflection, moving inwards, applying some of what we’ll have talked about the night before. We’ll ask them to do some journaling, and then to share a bit with the group. So we’ll start with “God in creation”, then “God in my family and friends” and finally “God in me”. My only teaching responsibility on the Saturday will be to intro the journaling portion at the beginning of the hike, explaining why journaling can be important or significant, and that it doesn’t necessarily encompass only writing sentences, could be drawing, or whatever.

I was really excited about this topic all through the meeting. I felt confident that God was leading us, and I was excited about the topics I’m going to be teaching on. However, almost as soon as the pastor I’m working with left my house, the fear and anxiety set in. The sudden “Oh my goodness, what have I agreed to do sort of feeling.”

I slept really poorly last night.

I woke up this morning with a pall of fear hanging over me. I don’t understand how I can at some moments walk in such spiritual freedom, and at others become so overcome by fear. Fear has always been a huge issue in my life, and has at times kept me from doing and becoming who I really want and feel called to be. To be honest, I think there is also some generational stuff involved in the fear over my life, and I’m not quite sure what to do about that either. Anyway, I’m really struggling with it this morning. I feel this fear and almost depression hanging over my head. It feels almost ridiculous to be struggling with this. Those verses people have quoted at me for so many years play through my head, “God did not give us a spirit of fear…” And I can’t help but wonder what sort of help people think it is to quote a verse in this manner. I always wanted to scream, “you think I don’t know that? And yet, I’m still afraid. So great, we’ve identified that God is NOT behind my fear, which means that Satan probably is. I’m still afraid, what are we going to DO about it?” I was always too nice to actually say that, but now, today, I’m in that “What do I do about it?” place. I’m thinking I need to arrange a time to hang out with some praying friends, and pray through some of the reasons that this keeps appearing so very strongly in my life.

However, besides the meeting (which was great until it ended and I realized what I’d agreed to) I had a great evening last night. At lunch with a friend yesterday, I discovered that another friend was in town for a few days, and was possibly free last evening. When I got back to work, I gave her a call, and we ended up meeting for dinner in Kensington. We stumbled into this tiny little basement hole in the wall restaurant, with funky decorations, that serves crepes. Seventy plus varieties of crepes. SO GOOD. I had this fantastic concoction filled with whipped cream, mango, and apple, and drizzled with a mango sauce. To die for. I’ll definitely be going back there.

Hanging out with Rae for the evening was a god thing. There’s been some family stuff going on in my life for the last year, and it intensified greatly over the weekend. To be away from home and miss the intense family dinner hour was very much a gift from God at a moment when I needed it. Plus, Rae is one of those friends with whom there is little point making small talk. We don’t see each other often enough for that, and quite quickly get to the heart of what God is doing in each of our lives. It was great to be able to have that conversation, to empathize with each other, to be grumpy in that not really grumpy sort of way at the ridiculous, painful, and yet beautiful ways God has been showing up in our lives lately. To really be genuine. I miss that – not too many friends living in Calgary anymore that I share that with.

This is a REALLY long sort of post. The trouble is, I’ve got nothing but time on my hands at work these days. So I sit and journal in my word processor so that it looks as if I’m actually working, and then I stick a lot of it here on my blog for you to enjoy. There’s been a lot on my mind lately, and I’ve been writing a LOT. So, kudos to you if you made it through this post, and all of the other lengthy posts I’ve been putting up here lately!

Random Wednesday Thoughts

So, here’s some of the random stuff I’ve been thinking about today.

For the first time in a month, I looked forward to coming to work this morning. The reason? My job has been incredibly slow for the last month. Other than answering the phones, I’ve had almost nothing to do. So why is today exciting? Because all of our managers are at all-day meetings offsite today. No pretending I have stuff to do, no looking over my shoulder, and surreptisiously checking my email or reading blogs. I can just relax and actually “do nothing.” And thus far, it’s been GREAT!

There is a noticeable difference in the atmosphere of the homes of people who are committed to prayer. I have two different couples who I am priviledged to call friends who are deeply committed to a lifestyle of prayer. I have noticed this atmosphere and peace in both of their homes. Particularly, I notice it at night. As you all know, I don’t sleep very well, and when I’m at home and startle awake, there is a certain level of stress, anxiety, even fear attached to it. In the nights I’ve spent in these people’s homes, when I’ve come awake, I’ve been struck by the noticeable calm, the peace that even envelops my restlessness. I’ve been thinking about this the last few days because I had the experience again on Friday night at Kirk and Darlene’s house, and it always surprises me when I’m awake in the middle of the night without the stress, anxiety and fear.

I had lunch with a friend today, and found out that another very good friend is in town this week on call for her job. We have tentative plans to get together after work tonight, as long as she doesn’t get called out to work in the next few hours.

I have the (much anticipated, possibly dreaded) planning meeting for our youth retreat later on this evening.

Getting together with my friend tonight is actually a bonus, because it gets me out of really uncomfortable “family dinners” for the first of two days in a row.

I’m beginning to price out apartments. There is a possibility of a roommate on the horizon in June, but even if it doesn’t pan out, I’m strategizing to figure out what I could possibly afford on my own. So, time will tell. All I know is that it’s more than time to create space outside of my parent’s home for a while.

News Headlines That Caught My Eye

This one, on the growing interest in faith among American university students.

This one, a very poignant story about a military chaplain, his tour in Iraq, and how it has impacted his faith.

Machu Picchu

This is where I dream of travelling and praying. This is the place that has been on my heart the last while, but sprang back to the forefront as I spent time in Scripture on Sunday morning. As I was studying tonight, I was wandering through some websites discussing the history of Peru and of Machu Picchu in particular.

Some things that piqued my interest in my wanderings?

The Peruvian government is pursuing legal action to re-obtain thousands of artifacts that the archaelogist who re-discovered the site in the early 1900's removed without permission.

The name "Machu Picchu" is from the Quecha, meaning "Old Peak".

It is a UNESCO World Heritage Site - a site deemed to have outstanding cultural or natural importance to the heritage of mankind.

It is "invisible from below and completely self-contained, surrounded by agricultural terraces sufficient to feed the population, and watered by natural springs." (from an article here).

It is believed to have been closely linked to the spirit world - it contains a historic sun dial made of stone. There are Shamanic legends suggesting that if a sensitive person touches their forehead to the stone, their vision will be open to the spirit world. (same article as the previous point)

Psalm 118:19-20
Open for me the gates where the righteous enter,
and I will go in and thank the Lord.

These gates lead to the presence of the Lord,

Matthew 7:13-14

“You can enter God’s Kingdom only through the narrow gate. The highway to hell is broad, and its gate is wide for the many who choose that way. But the gateway to life is very narrow and the road is difficult, and only a few ever find it."

Controversial but Powerful

So, this video, like the title of the post says, is controversial but powerful. Watch it, think about it for a while, and then tell me what you think.

Tuesday thoughts

This is one of those slightly foggy, off-balance kinds of days.

I had a strange encounter yesterday at lunch with an old man who had come to visit one of our employees. I don’t know why I told you that, other than that it sticks out in my mind as indicative of how the day went yesterday. He shook my hand, and without asking my permission, began to put his “reflexology” skills to work, informing me that my liver wanted “more good water.” It was an oddly frustrating and violating experience, one that left me slightly off-balance for the next couple hours. I spun out a bit emotionally, a 180 degree turn of how I was previously experiencing the day, from peace and joy to an almost depressive and hopeless state, and it took some praying, and deliberate refocusing of my thoughts to return to my previous equilibrium. It made me think about a conversation I had on the weekend, about being a burden-bearer, and being careful when you pray for and interact with people, that you don’t absorb their sicknesses or their problems. I’m wondering more about the transfer of spiritual things these days, because I seem to keep having experiences that would make this a very real possibility. For example, could what I experienced yesterday have spiritual connotations? Can that sort of transfer of emotion happen unsuspectingly, without deliberate intent? Am I overspiritualizing the fact that I was angry at this man’s intrusion into my life and personal space, after I’d told him that I would prefer that he didn’t do so?

I did errands for a couple hours directly after work last night. First up was a trip to Ikea to buy a piece of furniture for my bedroom. Ultimately, I bought two shelf-like bed-side tables, and stacked them on top of each other, slightly off-set to create a bookshelf. I needed to create some more space for books in my bedroom, and I needed to clean and organize a corner in which I can comfortably engage in the studying and prayer and meditation I have committed to engage in more frequently (see yesterday’s post). I also bought groceries, some office/studying supplies I’ve needed, and went to the library.

After I got home from my errands, I spent an hour studying, reading, and praying, and then I built the furniture I’d bought. (I built it by myself! Which is sometimes a challenge with Ikea furniture, and a slight mechanical ineptitude. The one time I bought a chair at Ikea, it took me a whole evening to build it, spread out on the living room floor, and my dad sat and laughed at me the whole time. He told me it was better than reality tv!) I ended up being up much later than normal, by the time the tables were built, my bedroom was rearranged to accommodate them, and the necessary cleaning that is required when you move furniture you haven’t moved in a while was accomplished (can you say DUST BUNNIES?!). I am very pleased with my new space, and while it will still require a bit of cleaning and organizing tonight, I’m greatly looking forward to lighting some candles, curling up in my chair, and reading and studying over the next while.

I’m trying something new this week. I’m organizing my life for the week by creating an extensive “to do” list. I work really well to lists. They help me organize my thoughts, keep track of the little things (in fact, as I wrote this sentence I remembered two other little things I need to do this week, and sent an email to my home address, reminding myself to add them to my list). And, if it’s on a list, I’m more likely to accomplish it. Plus, I get a great deal of satisfaction from actually crossing things off my list.

In this case, I’ve put everything from “organize dressing table” to “buy toothpaste” to more relational things like “plan youth hang out night”, “have dinner with Megs”, or church/business things like “have meeting to plan youth retreat” on my list. As I said, the purpose of the list is to give me a single sheet of paper that I can glance at and see what needs to be done over the course of the week, and then I can plan my week to accommodate as many of those things as possible.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not driven by the list. If things come up that are more important, the things on the list can wait. But this is a new way for me to organize my life, and create a more disciplined rhythm to my days, and I’m hoping it works out well.