I'm having trouble today processing whether or not I need to give voice to certain things I've been thinking and praying about for the last day or two. Things seen and heard and understood.
I'm having broader trouble lately, struggling with questions I want to ask, and wondering whether or not to give them voice either.
Some of the topics are sensitive. They have the potential to create backlash - to stir things up that should perhaps be left undisturbed. And I'm not one to knowingly invite unneccessary backlash. I'll settle for a lack of understanding instead. I'm a big fan of safe, and calm, unless the direction is very clear to stir things.
Plus, I've been the unwitting victim at times when other people have walked without care, and created a maelstorm for those around them to be caught in. It makes me hesitate to create my own maelstorm.
And yet, I'm not sure the questions would create a stir. And I'm not certain how to gain understanding and experience without asking the questions. But, to be honest, I'm not even sure how to phrase the questions, as the topics are new and uncertain ones for me as well.
And for those things that have been seen and heard and understood, while I am very certain of what has been seen and heard, I'm less certain of the understanding, and the response that must flow out of understanding. And yet, I lack confidence in my own discernment, to speak these things beyond myself.
Oh bother. This cryptic phrasing of real issues doesn't work very well for me. I think I'll stop writing now.
Showing posts with label speaking. Show all posts
Showing posts with label speaking. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Sunday, December 02, 2007
Gathering my nerve
I'm speaking for a few minutes at church this morning.
Sharing a bit about my upcoming trip to Malta.
Trying to figure out how to share the things on my heart with these people, many of whom have known me since I was an infant.
Figuring out how to be the person I am, and speak from that place, instead of being the person they expect me to be, and speaking from that place.
I'm frightened, I'll admit it. But I'm going anyway.
I didn't sleep much last night, and what sleep I got was tense. I can barely move my neck from that tenseness this morning. I nearly passed out in the shower from light-headedness. But I'm going to do this. (And I think I'm going to be all right.)
I have a pretty good idea of what I want to say, just hoping it comes out of my mouth in a way that the understanding in my head is clearly communicated.
I'm gathering my nerve.
Sharing a bit about my upcoming trip to Malta.
Trying to figure out how to share the things on my heart with these people, many of whom have known me since I was an infant.
Figuring out how to be the person I am, and speak from that place, instead of being the person they expect me to be, and speaking from that place.
I'm frightened, I'll admit it. But I'm going anyway.
I didn't sleep much last night, and what sleep I got was tense. I can barely move my neck from that tenseness this morning. I nearly passed out in the shower from light-headedness. But I'm going to do this. (And I think I'm going to be all right.)
I have a pretty good idea of what I want to say, just hoping it comes out of my mouth in a way that the understanding in my head is clearly communicated.
I'm gathering my nerve.
Monday, May 14, 2007
The Promised Update
I appreciate your prayers over the course of the weekend, and I’ve been wondering how to find the right words to describe the goings on…
We arrived safely in Canmore, on schedule, checked in to the hostel, cooked dinner, and then gathered for our evening. The teaching (the bit I was most nervous about) went quite well, though the format was slightly different from what I pictured in my head, and I was thus less able to follow my well laid out notes, and was somewhat more scattered. To be honest, I have no particular idea if the things we talked about that evening hit home in any of the kids, but I pray that they were challenged and encouraged by some of the things that were spoken.
I did, however, choose to share a bit personally from my own journey as I spoke about the silence of God. I spoke with a great deal of frankness about the five years that I suffered from depression, telling these young people about how frustrated I found myself with the silence of God in that time of my life, and about the frank prayers I spent so many hours repeating in those years, asking to simply be allowed to die, for life seemed completely hopeless and without meaning. I wasn’t sure how this would go over, what the shock level would be, and I was quite carefully watching certain faces as I spoke about this time in my life. I have known some of these young people since they were toddlers, and knew that none of them would have been aware of this season in my life, as it was something I very carefully worked to conceal from the church and world at large during the time I was going through it, thanks to the stigma attached to things like depression, and the corresponding frustration and anger with God. The shock I knew I would see was quite evident on certain faces!
I did not get much sleep that night (though that will surprise few of you who know me well!), but felt very much at peace as I laid on a top bunk and surveyed the young women sleeping all around me in the room. I spent much time praying for them, and simply listening for the voice of God as I lay awake through a big chunk of the night.
Saturday was filled with hiking, and a little bit of wandering around Canmore. We paused a couple of times on the hike, asking the kids to reflect on various topics, and on where they see God at work.
What was perhaps most exciting for me was a number of conversations I was able to have over the course of the weekend. Two of the girls rode in my car on the way up and the way home (though they slept most of the way home) and we were able to chat about a wide range of topics, and speak fairly openly about a number of things.
While hiking down the mountain on Saturday, one of the guys approached me. This is one of the guys I’ve known since he was probably about three years old (he’s eighteen now) and one whose face had reflected shock as I spoke so openly the night before. For most of the way down, I answered his questions about that time in my life, and began to tell the story of the grace and healing from God that I encountered so powerfully. We didn’t manage to finish the conversation, but the option is there for the future, and I find that encouraging indeed.
I am rapidly discovering that perhaps the most powerful thing God has given me to speak is my own story of depression and healing. I am rapidly discovering that things such as mental illness are still much concealed in Christian circles, though very, very common. Every time I am given the freedom to share this part of my life it opens the door for unique and beautiful conversations. I am asking God to continue to allow me to share how overwhelmed I am at the grace he has poured out on my life in this manner with as many people as he would have me tell.
So, that’s the update…
There are other things to tell, things about the course of the weekend that don’t pertain directly to the youth retreat… let’s just say that I had a rather difficult and exhausting day yesterday… I’ll unfold those things over the next days and weeks as I begin to process them and come to terms with them.
We arrived safely in Canmore, on schedule, checked in to the hostel, cooked dinner, and then gathered for our evening. The teaching (the bit I was most nervous about) went quite well, though the format was slightly different from what I pictured in my head, and I was thus less able to follow my well laid out notes, and was somewhat more scattered. To be honest, I have no particular idea if the things we talked about that evening hit home in any of the kids, but I pray that they were challenged and encouraged by some of the things that were spoken.
I did, however, choose to share a bit personally from my own journey as I spoke about the silence of God. I spoke with a great deal of frankness about the five years that I suffered from depression, telling these young people about how frustrated I found myself with the silence of God in that time of my life, and about the frank prayers I spent so many hours repeating in those years, asking to simply be allowed to die, for life seemed completely hopeless and without meaning. I wasn’t sure how this would go over, what the shock level would be, and I was quite carefully watching certain faces as I spoke about this time in my life. I have known some of these young people since they were toddlers, and knew that none of them would have been aware of this season in my life, as it was something I very carefully worked to conceal from the church and world at large during the time I was going through it, thanks to the stigma attached to things like depression, and the corresponding frustration and anger with God. The shock I knew I would see was quite evident on certain faces!
I did not get much sleep that night (though that will surprise few of you who know me well!), but felt very much at peace as I laid on a top bunk and surveyed the young women sleeping all around me in the room. I spent much time praying for them, and simply listening for the voice of God as I lay awake through a big chunk of the night.
Saturday was filled with hiking, and a little bit of wandering around Canmore. We paused a couple of times on the hike, asking the kids to reflect on various topics, and on where they see God at work.
What was perhaps most exciting for me was a number of conversations I was able to have over the course of the weekend. Two of the girls rode in my car on the way up and the way home (though they slept most of the way home) and we were able to chat about a wide range of topics, and speak fairly openly about a number of things.
While hiking down the mountain on Saturday, one of the guys approached me. This is one of the guys I’ve known since he was probably about three years old (he’s eighteen now) and one whose face had reflected shock as I spoke so openly the night before. For most of the way down, I answered his questions about that time in my life, and began to tell the story of the grace and healing from God that I encountered so powerfully. We didn’t manage to finish the conversation, but the option is there for the future, and I find that encouraging indeed.
I am rapidly discovering that perhaps the most powerful thing God has given me to speak is my own story of depression and healing. I am rapidly discovering that things such as mental illness are still much concealed in Christian circles, though very, very common. Every time I am given the freedom to share this part of my life it opens the door for unique and beautiful conversations. I am asking God to continue to allow me to share how overwhelmed I am at the grace he has poured out on my life in this manner with as many people as he would have me tell.
So, that’s the update…
There are other things to tell, things about the course of the weekend that don’t pertain directly to the youth retreat… let’s just say that I had a rather difficult and exhausting day yesterday… I’ll unfold those things over the next days and weeks as I begin to process them and come to terms with them.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Youth retreat, moving out, and so on...
Okay, so I’ve caved and made a cup of tea. I’m freezing. For some reason I can’t seem to regulate the thermostat in my work area to a comfortable temperature. The rest of the building is fairly warm, but I’m cold (and I’m even wearing long sleeves today!) Oh well, tea it is… I was trying to not drink hot drinks in the mornings, in deference to the fact that it seems spring has finally arrived, and the weather has warmed, trying to stick to water and iced teas, but today, I’ve caved, and made a cup of hot tea.
And, while I was in the kitchen, someone gave me a couple of shortbread cookies to go with my tea that were extra food from what they’d brought in for a meeting. Fantastic!
I wrote the second half of my talk for the weekend last night. This part covered “God in the Silence,” and flowed much more easily than the first part. I think it quite nicely covers the points I’m hoping to draw the kid’s attention to. However, I still can’t figure out how to wrap the first part up and make some points. I’ve had no trouble figuring out how I want to tell the story of Elijah on Mt. Carmel, highlighting certain parts, but can’t figure out exactly how to turn from that story to a bit more practical application. So, my evening tonight will have to be devoted to packing, reviewing what I want to say, and figuring out how to wrap this up into a cohesive package… and I might preach it to myself in my bedroom, just to make sure that I’m around the right amount of time for what we’ve allotted for each section. Maybe no one will be at home tonight to hear my weird behavior!
If you have any big ideas, let me know!
Other than that, life moves right along. It’s beginning to look very possible that if I curtail my spending by a chunk (no more impulse purchases I guess!) I’ll be able to afford to move out in July (providing the roommate situation works out) and that I’ll also be able to add to my independence by buying a car. YAY! It might actually be better for building friendships anyway – lots of eating in, hanging out watching movies, instead of eating out (which I really do LOVE) and then just going our separate ways because we don’t know what to do next, or don’t have a place that works for inviting people over. Megs and I were talking about that last night – how we’re both looking forward to living in places where we feel comfortable inviting friends over, instead of in places where you have to wonder what your parents or in her case aunt and uncle, are doing, and whether you’re infringing on their plans. We’re looking forward to living in places where we don’t have to hole up in our bedrooms if we want to have a friend over and talk about personal stuff, but can have nice, open conversations on the couch in our living rooms. Whoo hoo! (And by the way, if I end up moving out, I’m accepting donations of furniture – so I have the aforementioned couch on which to have a conversation!)
Alright. I’m going back to work now. Not that I have all that much to do, just that I don’t particularly have anything further to say here right now.
If I don’t post tomorrow, please remember to pray for me this weekend. My great desire is that the words that come out of my mouth as I speak tomorrow night would be ordained by God, and directed by His Spirit to be the very words necessary for this group of young people to hear. Pray that I would feel free to be who I am, and not worry about what people will think.
And, while I was in the kitchen, someone gave me a couple of shortbread cookies to go with my tea that were extra food from what they’d brought in for a meeting. Fantastic!
I wrote the second half of my talk for the weekend last night. This part covered “God in the Silence,” and flowed much more easily than the first part. I think it quite nicely covers the points I’m hoping to draw the kid’s attention to. However, I still can’t figure out how to wrap the first part up and make some points. I’ve had no trouble figuring out how I want to tell the story of Elijah on Mt. Carmel, highlighting certain parts, but can’t figure out exactly how to turn from that story to a bit more practical application. So, my evening tonight will have to be devoted to packing, reviewing what I want to say, and figuring out how to wrap this up into a cohesive package… and I might preach it to myself in my bedroom, just to make sure that I’m around the right amount of time for what we’ve allotted for each section. Maybe no one will be at home tonight to hear my weird behavior!
If you have any big ideas, let me know!
Other than that, life moves right along. It’s beginning to look very possible that if I curtail my spending by a chunk (no more impulse purchases I guess!) I’ll be able to afford to move out in July (providing the roommate situation works out) and that I’ll also be able to add to my independence by buying a car. YAY! It might actually be better for building friendships anyway – lots of eating in, hanging out watching movies, instead of eating out (which I really do LOVE) and then just going our separate ways because we don’t know what to do next, or don’t have a place that works for inviting people over. Megs and I were talking about that last night – how we’re both looking forward to living in places where we feel comfortable inviting friends over, instead of in places where you have to wonder what your parents or in her case aunt and uncle, are doing, and whether you’re infringing on their plans. We’re looking forward to living in places where we don’t have to hole up in our bedrooms if we want to have a friend over and talk about personal stuff, but can have nice, open conversations on the couch in our living rooms. Whoo hoo! (And by the way, if I end up moving out, I’m accepting donations of furniture – so I have the aforementioned couch on which to have a conversation!)
Alright. I’m going back to work now. Not that I have all that much to do, just that I don’t particularly have anything further to say here right now.
If I don’t post tomorrow, please remember to pray for me this weekend. My great desire is that the words that come out of my mouth as I speak tomorrow night would be ordained by God, and directed by His Spirit to be the very words necessary for this group of young people to hear. Pray that I would feel free to be who I am, and not worry about what people will think.
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Practical Application?
Okay, so I'm trying to figure out the practical implications of "God speaks in a big event" from the story of Elijah at Mt. Carmel to communicate to a bunch of teenagers on Friday night. That or some sort of personal story to make it more relatable (which is SO NOT a word, but hey, it's my blog, and I can use it if I want!) to their lives. I've got some ideas, but nothing is sparking in that "that's it" manner yet... so if you have ideas... let me know!
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