Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 77

Today's Daily 5:

1. Spending some time at church this morning chatting with my former roommate J and her husband
2. "Mighty to Save" and "God of this City"
3. Listening to T preach on the reformation
4. a couple of honest conversations with people who've known me forever at the church today
5. funny youtube videos
6. reading on the bus for a few hours again
7. the moment when the sun finally came out from behind the clouds
8. treating myself to fast food
9. laughing still over some emails
10. watching episodes of Grey's
11. praying friends
12. a "non-traditional" friendship, and the laughter and encouragement it has brought to my life
13. a relatively peaceful halloween
14. grace
15. big realizations about caring for myself

Re-formation

It's time for the post I seem to write every year on October 31st.
The "I celebrate Reformation Day and not Halloween" post.

So, let me start here - last year a friend of mine who is Catholic informed me that she really didn't appreciate Reformation Day any more than Halloween.  I believe her reasoning was something along the lines of "why celebrate the beginning of truly incredible schisms and disunity in the body of Christ?"

Fair enough.

To be honest, I think that's maybe a good point.

But it's not so much the great schism that I think about on this day, but the idea of being reformed.  Re. Formed.

Made again.

Made new.

This year especially, after all of the changes that have come, after finding my life entirely deconstructed and myself duckless, I am enamored with the idea of being re-formed and made new.

I think about this every year on the eve of my healing anniversary anyway.  Because if there was ever a day that was one of reformation, that day was it.

So today I'm thinking about being made new again.  It's not a new theme, really.  The idea of rebirth, of practicing resurrection has been coming up constantly for the last few weeks.  And I'm pausing today to think about it.

That said, the history geek in me thoroughly enjoyed hearing my baby brother preach on the reformation, and being people of the book and being made new this morning.  I don't often go to dad's church on Sunday mornings these days, but I did today, to hear my brother speak.  The part of my heart that loves the universal church, the Catholic church, celebrated that he didn't focus on the schism, but challenged the congregation to ponder whether they were still being reformed by their time in the scriptures.

The part of me that is a history geek, and spent four years getting a degree in church history, focused primarily on the church in the reformation period, though, had to laugh when he stopped by this afternoon and made sure to show me a funny youtube video on the reformation that he had come across while researching for his sermon this week.

And so, as I pause to consider being made new, I'm also laughing at this humorous retelling of history in polka form.



I don't really "celebrate" reformation day any more than halloween.  But I do want to continue to stop and ask Jesus to be making me new.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 76

An introduction to the daily 5 can be found here.

Today's Daily 5:

1. Hemp limp balm from the Body Shop
2. Watching a behind the scenes cooking show about Disneyland.  This I wouldn't have cared about before I went to California, besides finding it mildly interesting.  But, after touring my friend LP/CA's favorite escape, and hearing all her tidbits of behind the scenes trivia, it was totally fascinating to watch the show today, and made me laugh.
3. spending several hours on various random buses, reading.  I decided that taking a few different bus routes around the city for about three hours this afternoon would be the perfect way to accomplish some reading I needed to do, as well as be out and about a bit, and enjoying the sun.  it was lovely, and may become a regular feature of my Saturday routine.
4. Sunshine.  It wasn't warm today, really, but the sun was out, and there wasn't snow, and after this grey week, the sun was a lovely blessing
5. Allaying a fear
6. An appointment this morning that was good
7. Stopping at the Farmer's Market - good smells, bright colors, happy people, fresh food
8. getting a few necessary errands done
9. Some serious out loud laughter over emails traded with friends today
10. buying new slippers
11. eating a lovely meal for supper that I purchased at the farmer's market
12. Food Network - hey, a girl needs her escapist television, and some of my favorites involve food that looks so beautiful that I want to taste it, even if it's filled with stuff I would never eat in real life.
13. enjoying the book I was reading
14. bus connections that went smoothly
15. having a good day after a really rough night

A Few Links

I loved this brief post from Seth Godin:  Just Because He's Angry

And I loved this post from Christianne at Lilies Have Daydreams today.  I know this space she talks of, and today it encouraged me to reframe it as a place of having a heart that is tender, rather than one in pieces all over the floor.

Bus rides

I have a regular Saturday appointment on the opposite end of the city from where I live. It means that I spend at least two hours of most Saturday's on the bus.

This particular bus is always an experience. My favorite part is when, on the way north, we reach one particular stop in China Town. There is this sudden influx of very elderly Chinese women. The very air changes. What was a quiet ride is now filled with is suddenly filled with chattering in a foreign language, and the bizarre clash of cultural experiences nearly always makes me want to laugh.

There is "white people" bus etiquette. If there is an empty bench seat, take that one, not the one that already has someone sitting in it. Don't shout across the bus - stand or sit near the person you're talking to. Talk in low tones.

All of these "rules" go out the window when the bus hits China Town.

And the sudden mixture of cultural norms simultaneously makes me uncomfortable and happy. Because, on this bus, on the way to and from my appointment, I am reminded of the world I fell in love with, and I'm fascinated by and pray for the people and cultures I encounter.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 75

Today's Daily 5:

1. 1 year, 75 days of making daily 5 lists
2. This website "I Need Help" totally made me laugh today.  My favorite so far was "Help, I suffer from Ennui."  Try it!
3. frost on the grass looking beautiful and delicate this morning
4. having a plan for the day
5. toast with butter and jam
6. pomegranate green tea
7. laughing at a facebook status
8. escapist television
9. being thankful for flexibility on the other end of an awkward phone call I had to make
10. a truly funny text message exchange with my friend H.
11. being encouraged by blog comments
12. egg rolls and mozza sticks
13. pajama day
14. warm blankets to curl up under
15. a day of rest
    

Pajama Day

After the slightly rough start to my morning I decided to emerge from bed.

It turned out that simply giving myself permission to stay in bed was all I needed, and when I spotted the sunshine, a new plan formed.

The other day Hope made a comment in a blog post about liking to clean in her pajamas.

This morning, as I pondered the day ahead of me, I remembered that comment and inspiration hit.

I declared it a pajama day.

I made a list of things that either could or should be done today - some household stuff, and a lot of self-care stuff, and decided that I would do some or all of it, but that I was not changing out of my pajamas.

I recommend this as a way to spend a day.

And, to be honest, I didn't do much on my list.  Mostly I rested.  I got up and did a few things here and there, but mostly, escapist television, and tea and resting.

And I recommend it as a way to spend a day.

I needed this day.

A pajama day.

And I plan to continue resting, watching escapist television, and maybe doing a few little tasks here and there through the evening.

Oh, and praying.  I have some time set aside later to pray for some specific people, events and things.

It's been a good day.  (And it's been a while since I could say that, so it's really nice to say it today.)

Hiding Out, or Burrowing In

I'm in bed.

I might just stay here all day.

Curled up and insulated from the outside world.

No world gearing up for halloween.

No walking by the house near the train station that has seen fit to include severed limbs in their flower beds.

"Decorations," you know.

For me, they're actually quite literally the stuff of nightmares, those severed limbs.

It's not my favorite "holiday" - can you tell?

Maybe I'm overly sensitive, or maybe I thought this year would be different.

I've been taking baby steps, trying to sort out which reactions are simply fear, and which come from an incredible sensitivity to things spiritual.

I've made progress.  Done things I wouldn't have done a year ago, and enjoyed them.

But nope, this is still something I'm overly sensitive to.

And quite frankly, it makes me want to burrow deeper into my bed and just stay here until Monday comes.

It's ironic, that the one big "moment with God" that I celebrate each year falls on November 1st.  All Souls Day.

The day after Halloween.

And that every year, the days leading up to that anniversary of my healing from depression are filled with nightmares and avoiding images on the streets, on television, and everywhere, of the things that often occupy my nightmares. They're filled with this feeling of wanting to curl up in a hole and pull blankets over me and hide.

Can I use the word "oppression" without someone freaking out and calling me an over-sensitive Christian?

And so I'm hanging on until Monday.

Today I'm going to hang out at home.

Tomorrow I have a few appointments to attend.

Sunday I think I'll go to dad's church, since my baby brother is preaching.

And then I'll hole up, turn out the lights in the house, and let the evening pass.

And on Monday, on Monday I'm going to celebrate healing.  5 years of it.

I'm just going to burrow in until then.

To fight hard for good days, and to push back the darkness that becomes heavy, threatening, and overwhelming at this time of year.

I'll fight for it, because it's worth it.  Because I'm worth it.

And Monday I'm going to celebrate!

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 74

Today's Daily 5:

1. Getting in and out of an early morning downtown appointment quickly and easily
2. the new experience of being inside the American consulate here in Calgary
3. staying at mom and dad's, meaning that when a second unplanned trip downtown became necessary, it wasn't a several hours long endeavour.
4. eating leftovers from the lunch a friend treated me to yesterday for lunch today
5. nachos as a snack at house church
6. playing with baby M.
7. great discussion, and seeing the house church group really come together and get interested as we've embarked on a new study together
8. a long hot shower on a cold day, knowing no one is timing it, no one is worried about the water bill, and I could just stand there until I really relaxed
9. a hot mug of tea
10. listening to a sermon on the bus.

How You Doin'?

I watched a re-run of Friends yesterday, an old episode where Joey is coaching Rachel on how to ask a member of the opposite sex for a date.  His advice was something along the lines of "I just look a girl up and down and go 'How you doin'?'"

I laughed at it yesterday and thought of it today when a friend sent an email asking how I was.

I replied honestly that it has been a "mostly okay" day.

A few minutes after I replied I got a phone call that heightened an uncertainty, a "don't borrow trouble" moment that I'd been working hard to set aside.

And it reminded that this is my reality too.

That right now, even the good, or "mostly okay" days, have the potential to become unbalanced in moments.

I preface any conversation that has even the potential to be emotional (positively or not so much) these days with "Everything makes me cry right now, just ignore the tears."

I've discovered that when that downward swing hits, sometimes it lasts and sometimes I can corral it back into submission.

I've learned that exercising just as that swing hits can sometimes lead to successful corralling of it.  It just means I have to push through the onslaught of the downward swinging mood, and the fact that I hate to exercise.  Even yoga.  I rarely regret the exercise once I've done it, but I wouldn't ever say I enjoyed it (unless we're talking about say, a day walking all over a zoo, or a theme park, or the city with friends).

And I'm learning to trust that this weird emotional place I'm existing in won't last forever.  That as I heal and piece my life together again, it will pass.  And in the meantime, don't mind me - everything makes me cry these days!

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 73

Today's Daily 5:

1. Magic bags - I don't know who invented these, but they're brilliant, especially when you're cold and not feeling well
2. starting the day with a fruit smoothie and pumpkin muffin
3. the arrival by mail of a book I'd ordered and been expecting
4. an emailed photo from a friend that really did make me laugh out loud
5. lunch and errands with an old friend
6. some potentially good news in a phone call
7. lots of time just vegging, working on my laptop and watching television
8. tea
9. getting a bit of reading done
10. a warm, comfy bed, with freshly washed sheets to crawl in to at the end of the night
11. the way 10 minutes of yoga actually managed to help shift a panicky mood 
12. an unexpected phone call with good timing that meant I got to hear a friend's voice

Indoor Plans for a Grey Day

40 minutes ago I relocated from bed to the armchair in mom and dad's living room.

An hour before that, I said goodbye to mom and dad and settled in to enjoy a week of time alone, and away from Grandma's house.

I'm sitting here, in the recliner, watching an old episode of M*A*S*H* that happened to be on television, while I catch up on some emails and blog reading.

A bit later I need to fill out some forms for my appointment at the American consulate tomorrow morning.

I've got a mug of pomegranate green tea, and just finished eating a pumpkin muffin.

In a couple of hours, a friend is picking me up here, and we're going out for lunch.

It's a grey day again, snow threatening to fall, and some sitting on the ground.

I plan to spend it curled up indoors.

A book I've been expecting arrived, and I'm planning to settle in with it.

I started a novel yesterday.

And I have a chapter of the book my house church is reading together to conquer.

I came down with a sore throat yesterday, and a stuffy head feeling that tells me I'm once again battling a cold.

Curled up with a book or books and tea and blankets seems the best way to conquer this day.

Barring lunch with my friend, of course.

Days like this, where grey can be ignored, or muted with books and tea and long, hot baths are the sort I like.  If it's going to be grey, I like it when there are comforting indoor options.

Scandal Proof Your Church

Jonathan Acuff from Stuff Christians Like wrote this article on scandal proofing a church for the CNN belief blog.  Definitely worth reading.  And I'm not just saying that because he talks about pastor's kids and I am one!

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 72

Today's Daily 5:

1. Neck pillow - best dollar store purchase ever!
2. a government employment session that was way shorter and way less painful than anticipated
3. reading a bit of "The Silver Chair"
4. the comfort of sitting down to a bowl of chicken noodle soup after a cold weather day in which I developed a sore throat
5. chilling out and watching some food network tonight
6. finally checking out pictures of a crazy place in Asia that a friend had emailed me about.
7. managing to mark one or two nagging little things off of my to do list

The Silver Chair

I picked up C.S. Lewis' "The Silver Chair" again the other day. As a novel, it's probably my favorite of the Chronicles of Narnia. It's also the one where the child character I most identify with of the six who visit Narnia from England is introduced. It has these fabulous themes of journeying, of light and dark, good and evil, and the whole process of learning how to discern the voice of God amidst the confusing onslaught of a journey.  What follows is one of my all-time favorite passages in literature, just for the profound way it has always moved me.

To give context, Jill and Scrubb (Eustace) have found themselves suddenly in a strange land, and on the edge of a cliff. In the midst of the confusion and excitement at this new place, Jill is showing off at the edge of the cliff, and Eustace falls over the edge in an attempt to pull her back. A lion shows up, and Eustace is carried far away on the breath of the lion, leaving Jill behind, stunned. The lion then turns and disappears, and Jill bursts into tears.


~~~

Crying is all right in its way while it lasts. But you have to stop sooner or later and the you still have to decide what to do. When Jill stopped, she found she was dreadfully thirsty. She had been lying face downward, and now she sat up. The birds had ceased singing and there was perfect silence except for one small persistent sound which seemed to come a good distance away. She listened carefully and felt almost sure it was the sound of running water.


Jill got up and looked round her very carefully. There was no sign of the Lion; but there were so many trees about that it might easily be quite close without her seeing it. For all she knew, there might be several lions. But her thirst was very bad now, and she plucked up her courage to go and look for that running water. She went on tiptoes, stealing cautiously from tree to tree, and stopping to peer round her at every step.

The wood was so still that it was not difficult to decide where the sound was coming from. It grew clearer every moment and, sooner than she expected, she came to an open glad and saw the stream, bright as glass, running across the turf a stone's throw away from her. But although the sight of the water made her feel ten times thirstier than before, she didn't rush forward and drink. She stood as still as if she had been turned into stone, with her mouth wide open. And she had a very good reason: just on this side of the stream lay the Lion.

It lay with its head raised and its two fore-paws out in front of it, like the lions in Trafalgar Square. She knew at once that it had seen her, for its eyes looked straight into hers for a moment and then turned away - as if it knew her quite well and didn't think much of her.

"If I run away, it'll be after me in a moment," thought Jill. "And if I go on, I shall run straight into its mouth." Anyway, she couldn't have moved if she had tried, and she couldn't take her eyes off it. How long this lasted, she could not be sure; it seemed like hours. And the thirst became so bad that she almost felt she would not mind being eaten by the Lion if only she could be sure of getting a mouthful of water first.

"If you're thirsty, you may drink."

They were the first words she had heard since Scrubb had spoken to her on the edge of the cliff. Fro a second she stared here and there, wondering who had spoken. The the voice said again, "If you are thirsty, com and drink," and of course she remembered what Scrubb had said about animals talking in that other world, and realised that it was the Lion speaking. Anyway, she had seen its lips move this time, and the voice was not like a man's. It was deeper, wilder, and stronger; a sort of heavy, golden voice. It did not make her any less frightened than she had been before, but it made her frightened in rather a different way.

"Are you not thirsty?" said the Lion.

"I'm dying of thirst," said Jill.

"Then drink," said the Lion.

"May I - could I - would you mind going away while I do?" said Jill.

The Lion answered this only by a look and a very low growl. And as Jill gazed at its motionless bulk, she realised that she might as well have asked the whole mountain to move aside for her convenience.

The delicious rippling noise of the stream was driving her nearly frantic.

"Will you promise not to - do anything to me, if I do come?" said Jill.

"I make no promise," said the Lion.

Jill was so thirsty now that, without noticing it, she had come a step nearer.

"Do you eat girls?" she said.

"I have swallowed up girls and boys, women and men, kings and emperors, cities and realms," said the Lion. It didn't say this as if it were boasting, nor as if it were sorry, nor as if it were angry. It just said it.

"I daren't come and drink," said Jill.

"Then you will die of thirst," said the Lion.

"Oh dear!" said Jill, coming another step nearer. "I suppose I must go and look for another stream then."

"There is no other stream," said the Lion.

It never occurred to Jill to disbelieve the Lion - no one who had seen his stern face could do that - and her mind suddenly made itself up. It was the worst thing she had ever had to do, but she went forward to the stream, knelt down, and began scooping up water in her hand. It was the coldest, most refreshing water she had ever tasted. You didn't need to drink much of it, for it quenched your thirst at once.

(C.S. Lewis, The Silver Chair)

Grey

The sky keeps spitting white stuff today.  Nothing sticking to the ground like yesterday, but cold and damp white stuff.

It's not helping that my neck and back tightened up painfully overnight for some reason, and left me with a headache to fight off too.

I have a government employment insurance session to attend this afternoon.  One that may or may not be fully necessary, but is somehow mandatory. 

It's one of those things that highlights, somehow, this season of deconstruction.  Months after I lost my job, and am finally within reach of a new position, my government benefits kicked in a few weeks ago, and last week I got a letter informing me that I needed to attend this session.  And, now, after a crazy summer of studying, after a wild and ongoing emotional ride, going to a session like this is almost like having the deconstruction of my life waved in front of me like some sort of macabre flag.  "Look, your life looks like nothing you ever expected!"

I feel grey today.  Not particularly down, not black and blue.

Just grey.

Blah.

Like the skies outside.

Like the boredom of a government information session.

So, I'll take the train, and read a book, and maybe some scripture, and I'll look for color amidst the grey.  I'll make the effort to focus on the the things that remind me of joy and life.  And I might just come home from the session and spend the evening taking a bubble bath or sipping a big mug of tea.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 71

Today's Daily 5:
(An introduction to the Daily 5 can be found here.)

1. Waking up slowly, and semi-rested
2. mango juice box with a straw
3. homemade chocolate chip cookies
4. a very positive job interview
5. a great conversation over coffee with a M, a relatively new friend
6. marking things that needed to be done off of my list
7. packing for a week's break from grandma's while house-sitting at mom and dad's
8. playing a little part in this crazy movement to get the Blue Like Jazz movie made
9. chatting and laughing and snarking a bit while catching up with a dear friend
10. encouraging themes reappearing over and over the last several days

Monday

I'm laying flat on my back in bed, in a dark basement.

I'm wondering if upstairs, a call has come through from my grandma.  I realized as I woke this morning that I forgot to call her and tell her that my plans had changed - that I was staying elsewhere last night.  Oops.  Part of me feels guilty for that.  And part of me resents, just a little, a living situation that, at 27 years of age, requires me to report my plans and whereabouts.  I'm thinking about the fact that I'm sleeping there tonight, and that will be the last time for a week, since I've got a house-sitting gig starting tomorrow.

I'm wondering if this will be the week where the news about school will finally come.  I'm wondering how I'll handle that news if it's not an acceptance.  Especially given the fact that some key parts of my in Calgary support system will be away this next week.  I'm trying not to borrow trouble, or worry, but I really do fear that a little.  I'm working through it.

I have another job interview today. 

And coffee with a friend I met in a very unique set of circumstances late last fall.

I'm laughing a little as I lay here with a sermon playing in the background, laughing at something the speaker just said.  Everywhere I turn right now, the same themes are popping up over and over and over.  Value and worth.  Presence in darkness.  Over and over and over.

This is my week for official type appointments.

I need to fill out paperwork for those.

A meeting regarding government unemployment stuff tomorrow.

A meeting with the American embassy later in the week.

A few more meetings with friends.

It's Monday.  And the week holds things that excite me.  And things that make me quiver, just a little.

And I'm reminded of the overarching themes that preaching has held.  Of worth, and trust, of presence in darkness.

And I'm trying to hold on to that too...

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 70

Today's Daily 5:

1. 1 year, 70 days of making these lists
2. a funny old lady on the bus yesterday afternoon "I'm 88, but I know I'm lucky.  I know I only look 70!"
3. wearing a cozy scarf
4. sleeping in a little
5. eating a cinnamon twist for breakfast
6. hanging out at the zoo with my friend F. and her daughter A.
7. visiting palm trees, even if they were the kind that grow indoors
8. Going to hear Jason Upton with my friend H from house church
9. the peace of being able to greet someone who unexpectedly showed up with grace, and not have it throw a total wrench in my ability to meet with God for the evening
10. quotes from Jason Upton - "practice resurrection", "I'm with you in the valley," and "I see you in the simple things."

Adaptation

Every year I forget how long it takes to adapt to winter. The first cold days hit and I'm freezing. I forget that, like anything else in my life, winter requires adaptation, and that it's usually a slow adaptation.

By January, I'll be celebrating a day where the high is -1 C. The weather that is making me achy and cold and grumpy today will be a welcome relief in February.

And I'm stopping this morning to consider what other things in my life just need some time for adaptation? What else seems awful now, but will feel like a blessing later? What gifts are hidden in the time adaptation requires?

(That said, this morning I'm going to the zoo with a friend, to visit palm trees of the sort that grow indoors, and remind myself of warmer days!)

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 69

Today's Daily 5:

1. 3400 blog posts.  That's right.  Over the last five and a bit years, I've showed up here 3400 times.  Very cool.
2. Some reminders of truth late last night from a friend that I hung onto today as I walked some things out.
3. Laughing as I came out of an appointment this afternoon and discovered a text message with what is becoming a semi-daily random fact from a friend.
4. Laughing harder as the text message has been followed up with a number of ridiculous emails including more random facts
5. peanut m&m's
6. seeing God's hand in some little details I wouldn't have paused to consider, but found so very encouraging as I journey
7. my favorite country singer was the preacher at a local church tonight, and I had the chance to go hear him.  It was great to hear him share genuinely the things God has been sharing with him lately.  and very fun to get to hear him sing a relatively new song that he'd written in response to an overseas trip as well.
8. I loved this post from Allie Dearest today... I so know this place and it encouraged me to read the words of someone else describing it.
9. taking a brief break, and staying at mom and dad's tonight, in the midst of a busy weekend
10. finding reasons to laugh, and choosing joy, amidst exhaustion.

Too Funny

I came across this list of books that maybe shouldn't have been published today, and had to laugh.

Do you have any brilliant additions to the list?

On the bus

I seem to spend half my life these days on city transit, and today is no exception!

Given how much time I spend on the bus, I thought it was time to get an app for my iPhone that would let me blog easily while I'm traveling around the city.

This is it! The first post written on my phone! Hurrah for technology!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 68

Today's Daily 5:

1. A smooth job interview again this morning
2. watching the latest episode of Grey's Anatomy
3. taking a short nap this afternoon
4. scrambled eggs with ham and cheese for lunch (heavy on the ham and cheese, light on the egg - I like my eggs better when you can't taste them or experience their texture)
5. meeting a good friend and her daughter for dinner at The Old Spaghetti Factory
6. Mizithra at Old Spaghetti Factory (and leftovers for lunch tomorrow!)
7. sales on some things I needed at the grocery store tonight
8. being at home, in my own bed
9. the continuation of semi-daily random facts by text message that make me laugh again at the interesting people I know and the places they love
10. curling up under thick blankets

Linking Up

It's been a while since I've done a post sending you elsewhere, but today I'm going to.  Check out some of these posts, and then come back and tell me what you think, or leave a link for something fabulous that you've read recently.

Olfactory Girl Cartoon at Doghouse Diaries


Rent Free Headspace at Dana's Blog

Boobies (Seriously, check out this guy's thoughts on a recent bracelet trend that's been popping up)

Where are the Miracles? at Mandy Thompson's blog.  I loved the questions Mandy asked.  Especially this week, when I've been asking quite a few questions myself.  In a week where I attended a funeral where we were invited to practice Jesus' command to "raise the dead", I'm wondering again about where the miracles are.

Living Proof Video - Good stuff from the One Campaign.

Okay, those are some of the ones I came across today.  What have you been reading and what would you recommend?

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 67

Today's Daily 5:

1. A surprise skype call late last night that included video for the first time!
2. declaring a king of "people. are. weird"
3. being told that something I'd written was used by God at just the right time to encourage a friend
4. a job interview that went well
5. laughing and deliberately stomping on a leaf, just to hear it crunch
6. a really good evening at house church
7. seeing God at work in friends lives
8. nacho cheese
9. catching up with a friend I hadn't seen for a couple of weeks
10. laughing with baby M.

Slow Days

Life seems to move at a pace that is slow right now.

The waiting and limbo thing becomes intolerable at moments, and I am working to come up with ways to fill my days.

Today I'm waiting for a ride, so I'm puttering around my space in Grandma's basement.

I feel like words are coming slowly, too, as I wrestle my way through big issues.

Stuff that isn't formed for sharing, but more for pondering.

I make daily 5 lists throughout the day in my iphone, and add them to the blog at night.

I read blogs, and emails.  I write, though often not for public consumption.

And I move slowly, slowly, slowly forward.

Committed to that forward movement.

Maybe the slow days are okay right now, even when they're the brutally hard ones. 

Maybe I can live, and even thrive in this place.

Most days I'm not all that sure.  But today, on this particular slow day, I think it might be possible.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 66

Today's Daily 5:

1. Getting out of bed anyway (even when the day starts out hard)
2. A home-made hamburger
3. Finally printing up a "no escape" list of ideas for the days when escaping my weird living situation isn't as easy
4. a bit of understanding for a moment where God was catching my attention and the way it was rattling around inside of me
5. trading emails with a friend
6. several positive steps on the "looking for a job" front
7. frozen chocolate chip cookies - frozen cookies are SO good
8. finishing up the reading for house church tomorrow night
9. getting an unexpected ride home
10. candles lit around the room

Head Above Water

I read this article on Gretchen Rubin's blog the other day.  I've been slowly reading her book, "The Happiness Project" and have been quite enjoying both the book and her blog.

This is the line, though, that caught me from the article:

"So, if someone’s stubborn, “fake” refusal to acknowledge the dark side of life is annoying you, consider whether he or she might be struggling to stay afloat, to resist being dragged down completely by someone or something. We think we know people, but really, we usually know very little."

I make a list here, every night, of the things in that day that have made me smile in those last 24 hours.  If you talk to me these days, I'll be honest about the major challenges that I'm facing in life right now.  About the mess that my life is.  But I'm also probably going to try to laugh at them.  I'm probably going to try to get you to laugh with me.  To recognize the mess, but to laugh with me.  I'd hardly be declared "fake" in my glee and cheerfulness.  I'm not exactly known for that.  But for the last year and a bit, I've been making an effort to choose joy, daily, amidst some pretty crazy circumstances.

It so happened that I read Rubin's blog post on a day where I was barely staying afloat.  Where any ability to laugh at the current disastrous state of my life had deserted me.  And that day, I found myself nodding my head in agreement.  And knowing I wanted to share this thought with all of you.  To remind myself to be less hasty in judging that super cheery person, and pause to remember all the times I've joked recently, in a last ditch effort to keep my head above water.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 65

Today's Daily 5:

1. Starting the day by chatting with L, my former roommate, on another continent
2. the good news that in not so many months, I'll get to chat with her in person, since she's coming for a visit
3. laughing over a sign for a course in "Practical Intuition"  It feels like intuition should either be practical, or else those words are a complete oxymoron.  In any case, seeing the two words paired together made me laugh.
4. hugging several dear friends who have lost loved ones recently
5. attending a funeral that, hours later, continues to rattle around inside my head and heart, stretching my faith in ways I don't yet understand
6. a treatment to end the evening

Interruption in Routine

When I left for California, there were dozens of little routines that defined my day.

Check email.  Maintain the lives of various virtual animals on iphone games.  Write at least one "real" blog post along with the daily 5 list.  use a phone app to keep track of how much sleep I got the night before.  play such and such a facebook game.  Keep up on blog reading and facebook.

My crazy living situation added particular things to my routine too.  Get up.  Find out when the bus comes.  Catch the bus to mom and dad's.  Eat breakfast.  Make sure to fit a shower in sometime before going home.  Go through the day.  Figure out whether I have a ride home, or need to take the bus.

I like routine.  Routine doesn't change.  It feels safe.

And sometimes it smothers and adds pressure without me even noticing.

The only routine that came with me when I traveled was writing a daily 5 list, and that was different because I wrote that every night sitting across from a friend I'd spent the day with, laughing, and essentially co-writing it.

The interruption in routine was worth it.

I didn't realize that I was feeling pressured to cram things into my day.

When maintaining the life of a virtual animal in a game, and managing to check in at the right times of the day becomes a source of pressure, it's time for that to end.

When making sure to read every article (or at least skim them) in google reader becomes an obligation, it's time for some paring down of what's in google reader.

The interruption in my routine was a blessing.

It gave me breathing space.

It forced a step away from the routines.

The virtual farm, ranch, bird sanctuary, fish tanks and stores shut down.

I didn't miss reading every news headline from the bbc in google reader.

I came home and reevaluated.

Some of those routines I picked back up.  And some I let die.

And now I'm waiting.

Waiting to see what comes.  What new routines will be added.  What else needs to be subtracted.

But I've been thinking for weeks about that interruption in routine.  About the fact that I deliberately left home to create time to think and pray, but also that it forced a stop and restart of life here.  And I'm thankful for the relief from pressures I hadn't even noticed.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 64

Today's Daily 5:

1. Having an apology accepted
2. eating a banana for breakfast
3. An unexpected phone call from a friend on a really rough morning, inviting me out to lunch
4. an email from another friend that reminded me that I am loved
5. another email reminded me I am being prayed for and taking steps towards being really free
6. lunch and prayer with a dear friend
7. sunbeams
8. basil mayo and Mediterranean flat bread at the restaurant for lunch
9. learning a new word in Spanish
10. a long hot shower
11. leftover Chinese take-out for supper
12. dropping off a few resumes and getting an almost immediate call scheduling an interview for Wednesday afternoon
13. a day that was so much better than it seemed it would be upon waking
14. really great service (above and beyond) at the Blacks Photo location I went to to get photos printed
15. complimentary printed photos because of issues I'd been having with the website for Blacks this last week
16. lighting candles
17. spending a chunk of time sticking photos of people I love and of moments that are happy memories to a wall where I can see them easily.

Limbo

If I could take back the last hour and a half, I would.

Sometimes this living my entire life in limbo business catches up to me, and exhaustion piles up, and I stay stuff I regret.

out loud.  to people I love.

this was one of those nights, the sort of ridiculous capper on a day that actually wasn't too bad.

honestly, after moments like this I contemplate life as a hermit, and battle against feeling convinced that I don't fit in any sort of polite company.

and I speak out of this place of limbo.

and out of a place where the longer the limbo lasts, the more invisible and discouraged I feel at times.

and I battle some long held thought patterns.  lies mostly.

thankfully with a bit more help than I used to have. 

tonight I am reminding myself that I'm not a total disaster all of the time.

that for most of today I was not an emotional basket case (or that I at least didn't share my basket-case like feelings with the world at large.)

that not every day will be like this.

that I am taking steps in my life to make this better.

but today, right this minute, with tears running down my face, after having another tired, emotional and angry conversation with someone I love, I feel just a bit helpless and hopeless and alone.

and living in limbo feels like hell.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 63

Today's Daily 5:

1. peanut butter toast
2. a morning laying in bed without wondering if the noises upstairs were my sketchy uncle moving around, and wondering what he was doing
3. a reminder in a chocolate wrapper that it's okay to say "no" sometimes
4. reminding myself of truth in the midst of some really tough moments
5. watching a bit of food network early in the day

On Boss's Day

Someone sent me a link to this e-card the other day, and I had to laugh.  For those of you who remember reading the little I shared about the job I lost in May, you'll laugh too.  For those of you who don't have that context, well, my former roommates referred to that place of employment as "The Soap Opera" and would ask what had happened each day when I got home.

(just as a side note, I find quite a few of the cards on someecards to be funny, but a whole lot of them definitely cross my line into inappropriate and crude.)

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 62

Today's Daily 5:

1. Sitting in the sun at the bus stop this morning
2. laughing over a particularly goofy conversation involving yoga and downward dog with my parents
3. an appointment on the other side of the city only requiring one bus to get there (so nice when there are no transfers involved, and I can just settle in and get lost in thought.)
4. having GPS on my phone (made it so easy to find the right stop to get off the bus when traveling to my appointment at an unfamiliar location.)
5. laughing as the bus became a multi-cultural experience when it passed through China town and there was a sudden influx of very elderly, loudly chattering Chinese ladies.
6. giggling over a particularly feisty old lady at a different bus stop, who was giving directions to a couple of very lost tourists, and loudly informing us that she got around pretty well for someone who was 88, thank you very much!
7. a quiet evening at mom and dad's and staying here overnight
8. an unexpected phone call from my dear friend, A, just checking in
9. friends who offer deep encouragement and prayer
10. finding things to laugh about in the oddest of places

Immediate Thanks

This is definitely one of those days where it's a bit harder to keep the hard stuff at bay.  I'm in need of an immediate thankful list, before even writing tonight's daily 5.

5 Things I'm Thankful for Right This Minute:

1. Sitting in the sun at the bus stop
2. Managing to eat breakfast
3. a deep resolve to face this day, whatever it holds
4. Sleeping last night, relatively peacefully
5. being greeted with a hug

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 61

Today's Daily 5:

1. A palm tree smile in the funniest of locations
2. 5 minutes of sunshine after the unwelcome white stuff that fell from from the sky
3. marathon skype calls
4. praying with friends
5. wearing the scarf I bought in California and being cozy

Favorite Things

The other day was one of those days where I jotted every little thing that made me smile in a note in my iphone throughout the day in the hope that it would help improve my hard day to be focusing on those things.  I'm committed to showing up every night with a daily 5 list, even if it's been a really hard day.  A lot of days it helps to keep track of this, but when I came across this cartoon from ASBO Jesus late that night, I laughed and laughed and laughed.  Because it was just SO true.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 60

Today's Daily 5:

1. sleeping unexpectedly well, even after receiving sad news last night
2. French toast
3. mom taking me out for bruch
4. A sunnier day
5. good deals on a few groupons for future escapes
6. accomplishing some small tasks
7. A really funny text message that made me think again, "I know some really interesting people."
8. "People. Are. Weird."
9. "There are many shades of irony.  Mine just happens to be a very, very, very bright shade."
10. doing yoga again
11. cuddling baby M for a while
12. house church

Praying...

I'm pausing today to pray for friends who are grieving.

My friends F and N were with their mom as her battle with cancer ended yesterday.  I sat and wept when I got the news a year ago that cancer had invaded, and I sat and wept when I got the news last night that the battle was now over.  Each of them spoke of their mom's beautiful smile - a smile I've witnessed at various moments - most recently as she walked down the aisle with F and her dad at F's wedding in August.

I've known F and N for a long time.

I met N first.  At a church I used to attend.  In a time where I think we were both asking similar questions about this God we knew, and how a life of faith might look different from what we'd grown up with.  Questions about God speaking and miracles and hope.

He would read my blog, and come and find me at church on Sunday nights.  Especially during those bewildering months following my healing from depression, when my life turned upside down, and I was walking out a crazy journey of standing with others who were struggling, while simply trying to keep my head above water.  N. asked good questions. And, I remember one Sunday night in particular, when he simply prayed for me. 

Somewhere along the way, I met his little sister, F., and she became a very dear friend.  The sort of friend whom one can be perfectly honest with.  We shared a particularly twisted sense of humor (though I think hers is perhaps more refined, even, than mine!) and for the last several years have laughed our way through the craziest and deepest of conversations, checking in with each other from time to time, and trying to make it a priority to see each other once a month or so.  There were several times during the challenging last few years, where on a really hard day she'd show up unexpectedly at my office to see if I was free for lunch.  I remember one particular day, sitting in a Wendy's and laughing hard, as she reminded me I needed to "take pictures" of a coming weekend I was fearfully anticipating.  When I looked at her quizzically, her eyes glowed, and she described the sorts of "pictures" she was mentally seeing.  I still laugh every time I think about those "pictures" and the ridiculous twinge of humor they added to that weekend.  Those mental images got me through that challenging weekend.

Only a few months ago, just before her wedding, F and I spent some time together, and she reminded me again that she is the kind of friend with whom I can be completely honest, no filters necessary.  We were having our usual "what's up in our lives" catching up sort of conversation, and I was answering a sarcastic question she'd asked, "So how's that for you?"  I started to answer and stopped myself, wondering if she'd caught the change in direction of my words.  She waited patiently for me to finish and then paused, and asked, "You were going to say 'it's been hell,' weren't you?  You know you can say that, right?"  I did know, but that reminder has stuck with me, reminding me of the sort of friendship she has offered unconditionally, in the moments when I didn't seem to have much to offer in return.

I'm praying today, for F. and N. and their siblings and foster sibling and dad, and all of the many, many people who are grieving because their lives were touched by this family, and by F and N's mom.

And I'm sitting in thankfulness for their mom, and the children she raised, who have offered me parts of their lives and hearts.

May you know the peace of a God who is good, who offers mercy both harsh and tender.  And may you be surrounded by those who love you, and who's lives your mom touched.  May you know comfort in words, but also in silence.

Much love and tears to you and your family today.

Lisa

Goodbyes

I received two emails in the last hour or two.

One from a brother.

and one from his sister.

both of whom I'm privileged to call friends.

she is a very dear friend.

their family had been deeply on my heart this afternoon, though I didn't really know why.

today they said goodbye to their mom.

I read their words and wished I could gather each of them into a hug.

I will, I'm sure, in the coming days and weeks.

I read their words and wept.

at their love for their mother.

at the fact that they and so many they love walk now in the valley of the shadow.

with joy that, as one of them put it, "the end is not the end".

I sat and wept tonight.

Because it was all I knew to do.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 59

Today's Daily 5:

1. waking up in my own bed
2. a mostly peaceful sleep
3. talking on skype with a good friend
4. Watching the rescue of the Chilean miners (and the ascent of all the rescue workers).  What a moment to remember, and how emotional!
5. Chinese pork bun for lunch
6. ordering a book I've been wanting to read online
7. getting an encouraging note in response to a prayer request from my friend J. in the US
8. exercise and a long hot shower
9. a rice krispy square
10. replying to an email I'd been procrastinating on a reply to, because it stirred a bunch of confusion about my current life/job situation
11. cooking dinner at mom and dad's and making a new recipe for the first time in months
12. unexpectedly getting a necessary errand from my list for the week accomplished
13. hitting a good sale on toilet paper (hey - it is about the small things that make me smile, and having a necessary item on sale, when I actually needed it was fabulous!)
14. getting a treatment from mom
15. hanging out at home for an evening... in my space, with my stuff... sometimes it just feels good to be here, even if I don't like where my space and stuff are currently located.

From Other Voices

This has been a harder week, and I'm struggling quite a bit.

Some other's voices and images from around the blogging world struck me this morning, and since I'm feeling a lack of my own words, I thought I'd share those links with you.

Dead Weight - Alece's words about her heart "death gripping" struck me today, because I know that place well.

This photo that Dana posted hit hard.  I hope the journey depicted in this sculpture is the one I'm on.  I so desire freedom!

Ann's words about rain, and a wounded healer grabbed my heart today too.

and Jon Acuff's words about being loved were a bit like water for a very thirsty and tired soul.

And then there was this.  Annie's post about shopping for "girly things" and her crazy shopping experience.  That one just made me laugh out loud.  And that was maybe the best medicine of all for my weary heart today.  To picture that experience and giggle as it played out in my mind's eye.

So on this day when I'm tired, I'm pausing to be thankful for other people's words.  For the ones that made me feel less alone, for the ones that carried hope, and the ones that made me laugh.

And I'm pausing, too, to pray for friends.

For a few different ones facing some health challenges.

For marriages and babies.

For two I heard from last night who are watching the life of one dear to them draw to a close, barring the miracle so many are beseeching God for.  For their family, and the many who are connected to them and love them.  For comfort and grace and peace.  For that miracle.

For provision for myself and others who are struggling with tight finances.

Because maybe pausing to pray is one of the better things I can do for my heart today.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 58

Today's Daily 5:

1. 1 year and 58 days of making these lists.  Because the last few days have been hard, and showing up here for a year and 58 days is a big deal tonight.
2. sourdough toast with butter and blackberry jam
3. a smooth job interview
4. praying friends
5. driving to do a few errands this morning without having too much panic
6. errands that went smoothly
7. drinking a big mug of rooibos tea while wrapped in blankets and pausing, before the day got hard
8. watching a couple of kids movies
9. making some necessary calls that I'd been procrastinating on
10. being reminded in a couple different ways that tomorrow is another new day
11. Shake the Dust - I know, I've linked to it over and over the last year, but I watched it again tonight and needed to hear that.  "this is for the people who are told to speak only when spoken to and then are never spoken to."  Shake the Dust.

Thinking About This Song Tonight...

My Reality

I've been thinking a lot lately about the realities of my life right now.  Some of them are humorous, some of them are just hard, but they're all things that are part of my reality, things that I have to navigate each day.

My reality includes (among other things):

• A bathroom door that doesn't reach to the ceiling
• My bathroom is also missing a ceiling and a normal floor.  It has a broken toilet paper holder (grandma broke it a month or so ago when she decided my bathroom needed to be cleaned.).  And it has spiders sometimes.
• No bedroom door, just a curtain (a fact that needs to change.  soon.)
• Feeling kind of displaced as I spend my days at one home, and my nights at another.
• A bathroom light that has wiring challenges, meaning you have to flick the light on and off several times to get it to stay on.
• A basement window that doesn't latch, so grandma has jammed it shut with a butter knife
• Figuring out how to really engage life in the moments where it feels more like exile than real life
• odd dreams
• a weird lighting/wiring set-up in the basement that means I use my iphone as a flashlight every single night to make the trek from the front door, down the stairs and through the basement to my living space
• Because my grandma has a thing about saving money (LONG story) and has actually timed showers, most days I shower in a different house than the one I sleep in
• walking through hard personal stuff, day by day
• navigating some pretty odd family dynamics that have cropped up around my living situation
• waiting - to find out about what kind of job to look for, to find out if I've been accepted into school, and on a number of more personal fronts.
• and, most recently, figuring out the arrival of my somewhat sketchy uncle, now also living in the same home as my grandma and I.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 57

Today's Daily 5:

1. This joke made me chuckle when it arrived in my email inbox this morning: "After the death of a never married 94-year old spinster of his parish, the rector was given a note from her personal belongings. In the woman's handwriting were specific instructions for her funeral service. Along with the suggestions for Scripture readings and music were the following orders: "There will be no male pallbearers. Since they wouldn't take me out when I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.
2. Eating a fresh nectarine for breakfast 
3. arriving at mom and dad's just in time for an offer of dad making frittata for lunch with leftovers from yesterday's thanksgiving ham 
4. This facebook status from someone I know a little, which made me laugh out loud since I've been having a conversation with a friend about that very topic: "Some of my deep-thinking friends (and especially the Christian ones it seems) make me smile, and sometimes wince, because they just can't post a status update that is simply fun or happy. Everything's gotta be intense or profound it seems. Hope your lives are occasionally a bit lighter than your status updates my friends." 
5. an unexpected skype call with a dear friend in the midst of a day when I was struggling. the laughter and her gentle reminders of truth were oh so helpful this afternoon 
6. every historical village trip (like the one I made on Saturday) requires a visit to the old-fashioned working bakery. and purchases at said bakery. knowing that Thanksgiving was coming and that there would be leftover mean, Saturday's bakery purchase was a freshly baked loaf of sourdough bread. A loaf that smelled fantastic. A loaf that, when sliced, and made into a grilled ham and cheese sandwich with leftover ham from yesterday's Thanksgiving meal made for a divine sandwich. 
7. watching a few episodes of Grey's Anatomy on DVD 
8. catching up on blog reading 
9. laughing on skype this afternoon with my friend about last night's daily 5 (I miss having her be the peanut gallery across the room while I write those lists!) 
10. Being reminded over and over again lately that I am actually someone who is loved.

Not a Spirit of Fear

2 Timothy 1:7 (NLT)
For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.

The passage above is perhaps one of my least favorites in all of scripture.  Not because I don't think that it's an absolutely incredible promise and statement, because I do.  I don't like it because it has been used as a weapon.

If I had a dollar for every time that someone has quoted that passage to me as a supposed "solution to all my problems", I'd be rich.  The gist of their thinking is almost always along the lines of "Well, don't be afraid, fear isn't from God, you know."


Really?  I hadn't caught that in all those years I spent growing up in church.


That's your big solution to the overwhelming and paralyzing fear I sometimes struggle with?  Just "don't be afraid, it's not from God."  Thanks for that.  No really, thanks for the helpful advice.


Obviously I've never said any of these things out loud to whoever the well-meaning person quoting my "favorite" scripture verse to me was.  I'm polite like that.  And well-trained.  And I might have permanent bite marks on my tongue, too.


When you're buried in overwhelming fear, "stop being afraid" just doesn't seem like an option.  When fear overwhelms whole arenas of your life, you're generally aware that that fear likely isn't a godly thing, and someone reminding you of that fact just feels like rubbing salt in an open wound.


And then, in God's usual way, he used my least favorite thing as an object lesson recently.


I'd woken from a brutal dream, terrified, and trying to pray.


It was one of those moments when God borrows his own words from scripture to speak.


"I didn't give you a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and self-discipline."


There's something different about those words when they're being offered by the original author, and not being quoted as easy solutions to a problem that the person doing the quoting can't quite understand, and quite possibly fears themselves.


When God spoke them into the chaos of my heart that early morning, they carried an instant peace.  A knowledge that I was loved, and the One who loves me was intervening in the darkness that had encroached while I slept, and pushing it back.


That passage will probably never be one of my favorites.  There's an awful lot of cynicism built up in me about it.  But, when Jesus speaks it, I'm going to stop to listen.  Because when He speaks it, something special, something healing, is on it's way.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 56

Today's Daily 5:

1. Taking time to pause
2. marking things off a list
3. a quiet house
4. wearing favorite clothes
5. drinking mango juice from a juice box with a straw
6. listening to a mix cd from a friend
7. PTL - still laughing over the abbreviation of my favorite drink at Starbucks
8. "We're nice.  And there's no turkey."
9. dinner with family
10. laughing at a really lame movie at the cheap theatre with my brothers, the girls they love, one of my cousins, and a friend

Pause

Late last night as I was emailing with a friend, I answered a question she'd asked for clarification, and realized I needed to take time to just pause.

I sort of immediately declared that today, this morning, would be about pausing.

About sitting with Jesus for a while.

Praying about some complex situations and relationships in my life.

Praying for some friends who have very specific needs and have been heavily on my heart.

This morning is about taking that necessary time to pause.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 55

Today's Daily 5:

1. 1 year, 55 days of making these lists!
2. cracking up while wandering around in the "farmstead" section of the historical village I visited with mom's cousin today, and hearing a sudden yelp of "Oh my god" and looking up to see a young man about my age who'd obviously been caring for the pigs in the pen, sprinting for the gate.  Clearly he'd managed to inadvertently aggravate the pigs, and there were about six of them chasing after him.  It was hilarious!
3. spending a bit more time with mom's cousin
4. making an impromptu trip to Ikea to stock up on candles and buy frames for a few art pieces
5. eating potstickers for lunch, and dipping them in sweet chili sauce
6. The smell of the old fashioned bakery at the historical village
7. wandering through the village with mom's cousin, and talking history (basically, letting the geek in me out to play!)
8. having an iphone to have easy access to some many things
9. I can now add to my list of experiences that I have literally had a pair of earrings cut out of my ears with a wire cutter by my dad.  That whole scenario made me laugh too.
10. Talking movies and books over dinner

And on again...

It was a short night anyway.  The kind where I was up too late, because I got home late, and then turned my attention to a number of things, and I was up too late, knowing I needed to be up kind of early this morning.

I wasn't sleeping in my own bed.  It seemed easier to stay at mom and dad's, knowing I'd be home late, and need to be back at their house early.  It was easier to sleep here, than to try and get home late and then navigate an early morning bus on the Saturday bus schedule.

I don't usually have vivid dreams when I'm not in my own bed.

But I did last night.

Processing dreams.  Too much on my mind.

I dreamt of Kirsten.  She and her husband James are walking through the valley of the shadow right now.  Today is the funeral service for Ewan Eliezer.  Kirsten's words this week have been powerful, and yesterday morning, as I watched the slideshow in this post she wrote, I sat and wept for this family that I've never met, but whose life I've shared a little, online.  I wept as through the beautiful images a friend of their family took, I got to sit with them as they said goodbye to their son.  And today, this afternoon, I'll be praying for them as they attend the funeral for Ewan Eliezer.  I dreamt of Kirsten, images from some of her posts this week, and I woke praying.

I dreamt of other things too.  Of a challenging situation I find myself in the midst of right now.  Of so many things that require some thought and prayer.  The snarky, feisty person who was laughing because it was really the only choice other than cry before going to bed went into hiding overnight, apparently.  She'll come back, at some point, but I woke tired, and heavy-hearted.

the kind of day where I reach (and I rarely reach) for over the counter painkillers to numb the headache before I ever crawl out of bed.

Not really wanting a day filled with people.  I want a day of holing up somewhere to pray and think, and maybe wallow just a little.

But, in a moment, I'm going to crawl out of bed, and in half-an-hour I'm going to walk out the door, and set aside the dreams for the morning at least.  I'm going to spend the day with people and choose to enjoy them, to enjoy the things we do, even when everything in me wants to spend the day as a hermit.  Because that's my choice too.  To set aside those moments and just be.  To shake off the remnants of dreams.

and on it goes...

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 54

Today's Daily 5:

1. letting worship music flow over me as I sat in the car on the way to mountains today
2. eating baby cucumbers
3. throwing rocks into the creek, and giggling at the sound of their splash
4. listening to mom's cousin share her testimony at a ladies event
5. a long chat (and lots of laughing) on skype with a dear friend.
6. catching up with J, my former roommate, at length after the ladies event tonight

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 53

Today's Daily 5:

1. A slow, lazy morning
2. Walking to do errands, and loving the crunching sound of the fallen leaves under my feet
3. scheduling a job interview for next week
4. Leftover Vietnamese food for lunch
5. make your own pizza night at housechurch
6. laughing with house church friends
7. managing to catch up on some important stuff with a friend who'd been away for a while
8. collecting a really good hug
9. laughing at the incongruity of the guy sitting next to me on the bus who was screaming "non-conformist" and "anti-establishment" with his hair and clothing choices, and yet was sitting next to me playing solitaire on his smart phone.
10. chatting and laughing with the cashier and bag girl at the organic grocery store I stopped at to get some fruit for the week ahead
11. buying a few pretty things at 10,000 Villages to make my living space happy
12. finding the exact item I needed at the dollar store, instead of the more expensive office supply shop
13. a pretty decent day for one that didn't have my usual built-in escape plan

How to Fill a Day that Doesn't Hold an Escape

Every so often my parents very justifiably ask for a day when I don't invade their home in an effort to escape the crazy living realities of my own place of residence.  They need a day off and time to themselves too.  They generally give me a few days notice that on such and such a day, I need to make other plans.

Today is one of those days.

I've learned to make lists.  I spent a vast portion of yesterday jotting things down every few minutes or hours, as one sort of "oh, I should get that done" or other would cross my mind.  The list has far more on it than I can realistically accomplish in a day, but that's kind of the point. 

Options are important on the days when it is harder to escape the place I reside.  On the days where I can't just set up camp somewhere else with ease.

I came home last night and rearranged furniture, too.  The dvd drive on my laptop has been dying a slow death for a while now, and seems to have finally given up entirely.  That was having a serious impact on my ability to watch dvds while reclined on my bed.  I fixed that problem last night with a little bit of rearranging.  I moved my television and dvd player to someplace where I can see them while comfortably reclined.

I hung my map of the world back up last night, too, and began the process of sticking pictures of people I love and pray for up around the map.  I hung that where I can see it from my bed too.  (I spend a lot of my evenings sitting on my bed, propped up against the headboard, especially since I sold my couch and loveseat before my last move.)  One of the things I loved about the home of the friend I stayed with in California was that there were pictures of the important people in her life everywhere in her home.  I hadn't bothered to hang much of my art, or even to get new photos printed since I moved in here.  It was survival mode, and I figured why bother hanging stuff if I wasn't going to be staying?  But, I'm still unemployed, and I still don't know about school, and I can't make decisions about moving until those things are sorted out.  So, I'm going to get pictures printed, and put them up around the map.  I want the people I love around me right now, reminding me that I love and am loved in return.

Other things on my list of possibilities for a day that doesn't contain an easy escape include things like filling out Canadian and American passport paperwork, doing yoga, painting my toenails, attacking a mound of filing of important papers that I've essentially ignored for the last couple of months, just adding papers to the pile, reviewing my latest booksneeze freebie (a dvd this time), working on a new project I've been doing, calling my bank, making a pot of tea, doing some reading, sorting and cleaning and purging, trying a teeth whitening sample I recently ordered, stitching up a hole in something, and sewing on a button, watching some television on dvd, taking some photos of my crazy living situation, doing some exercises from a book I'm reading, and ordering photos to be printed online.

And, I'm going to head out to a store called 10,000 Villages.  It's a fabulous store, and I'm looking for a couple small, colorful, items to bring a larger taste of the world I can't afford to travel to right now, to my living space.  Things that will add life and color and warmth to this odd place that I inhabit.

I told you there was too much to do.  But the options are helpful.  It means I can evaluate what I feel like doing, instead of just having to pick something from a list I'm not excited about, for the sake of keeping busy.

And with that, I'm going to crawl out of bed long enough to grab the muffin I set aside for breakfast, the supplements that need to be swallowed with that breakfast, and then I'll eventually get up and walk to 10,000 Villages, thus getting some exercise in as well! 

I'm off to begin the process of filling a day that doesn't have an easy escape... I'm sure it will be an adventure all it's own!

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 52

Today's Daily 5:
(an introduction to the daily 5 can be found here)

1. sleeping in sweet smelling, freshly washed sheets last night
2. my unemployment benefits finally started and the first deposit landed in my bank account.  that will be helpful until I find work/find out if I've gotten into school.
3. waking up in my own bed - I'm always for the mental break that staying somewhere else provides, but it really is nice to wake up in my own bed.
4. grilled cheese sandwich made with aged Wisconsin cheddar cheese on whole grain bread.
5. Watching episodes of "Say Yes to the Dress" and "Iron Chef America" while vegging at mom and dad's this afternoon
6. listening and watching as a toddler giggle while jumping in piles of fallen leaves and playing with her mom
7. rearranging some furniture to make life in my crazy living situation slightly more accommodating for the moment.
8. hanging a map of the world back up, and beginning the process of sticking up photos of people I love and pray for all around it
9. working on a project/hobby for a while tonight
10. almond joy bar

A Familiar Feeling

Dana posted this quote from C.S. Lewis the other day.  In it, Lewis describes a feeling I'm finding rather familiar lately.  The pain of renovation is one I'm experiencing, and I found Lewis' description to be profound.  Being made into a palace is a reminder I can use right now, amidst the painful reconstruction.

Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised.

But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of — throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself. [Mere Christianity, C. S. Lewis]

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 51

Today's Daily 5:

1. sunshine
2. a day in the mountains with mom's cousin, who I really enjoy
3. hiking up to Grassi Lakes and then appreciating the waterfall on the way back down
4. eating lunch at a tea shop I'd always wanted to eat at
5. driving home the back way
6. Vietnamese for dinner
7. sharing dinner with a long time friend
8. sarcasm and laughter over dinner and a walk and curling up in the basement at mom and dad's to keep talking and laughing
9. praying with a good friend too
10. laughing at an inadvertent discovery that a friend and I who bought the same scarf together were both wearing them in our separate cities today, and both thought of texting the other to tell them, but never quite got to it.  the random coincidence made me giggle.

Mountains

I'm leaving shortly to spend the day in the mountains with my mom's cousin.

Thanks to my lack of a car, I don't get to "my" mountains very often these days.  I'm not sure I've been there at all this summer, actually.

In any case, I'm looking forward to going back, to reclaiming some things that have felt lost or stolen.

To walking in a place I love with a person I enjoy.

It should be a good day.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 50

Today's Daily 5:

1. 1 year, 50 days of making these lists
2. clicking send on an email containing a prayer request last night, and clicking back to my inbox to discover that another friend (without knowing any details, since she hadn't got the email yet) had already sent me a note containing some specific things she was praying for me.  It was such a "god timing" moment, and made me feel very loved and seen, and made me cry to know that even before I could ask, someone was lifting me up in prayer
3. getting some sleep last night, even if it did come with some hard dreams.  sometimes the dreams distract me from the fact that with treatments and some supplements helping, I do generally get at least 4 hours of sleep a night, and that, in the years I struggled so deeply with depression, I would have considered four hours of sleep in a row an absolute miracle.
4. going for a long walk in the autumn air with my mom's cousin who I really enjoy
5. 2 Corinthians 4:16 in the Message
6. laughing over a joke about palm trees and the fact that I live someplace sadly lacking in them
7. discovering that the final transcript I'd ordered for my pending university application had actually arrived as requested.
8. a decent treatment tonight
9. reading a powerful essay that a friend sent to me, that was highly applicable to this point in my life.

A Quick Update

A week or so ago I posted a prayer request for baby Ewan, son of Kirsten (a blog connection of mine) and James.

A few minutes ago I read this post.  It's a powerful read.

Kirsten and James said goodbye to Ewan Eliezer last night.

My heart is heavy for them today.

Please join me in praying with them as they walk out this new journey of grieving.

No Words, Really

I've been staring at a blank post for a while.

Not quite sure what to say.

Last night had some hard dreams again.  Sleep is a bit of a juggling act right now.  If I go to bed early, I tend to spend several of the early mornings hours laying awake and pondering.  If I say up late, I tend to sleep later in the morning, but have intense dreams.

I don't know what to say.

I'm tired of the sleeping problems, of having to pick between melancholy early morning hours, or painful dreams.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 49

Today's Daily 5:

This was a day that contained some particularly challenging news about my already challenging housing situation.  News that I will talk about once some details have been disclosed.  In the meantime, these are the things about the day that really were good things.

1. Almond Joy for breakfast (life has been a little crazy, and I'm going through the stash I brought back from California with me quicker than anticipated.  that might mean I need to make another trip!)
2. Enjoying worship at dad's church
3. lots of compliments on the very pretty scarf from Morocco that I was wearing today
4. greeting an out of town relative that I particularly enjoy spending time with at the airport
5. walking in the park with mom and our relative for an hour or so.  while it wasn't the ocean, it was nice to walk near water and enjoy happy conversation and fall colors
6. getting a ride home tonight

A Few Post Melancholy Thoughts

I...

• am wearing a favorite cute blazer, a scarf from Morocco, and very cute shoes in an effort to shake the early morning melancholy
• ate an almond joy and a scone for breakfast
• have earrings stuck in my ears that I can't get out.  I was going to change them, but can't get them out at the momen.
• am off to church and then the airport.

Sunday Morning Again

The last Sunday morning that I was laying in bed with my laptop on top of me, blogging, I was in California.

I'm having, in some ways, at least, another of those early mornings. 

This time I'm in bed at mom and dad's (I stayed here last night.).

I've been awake since 6.  My body seems to refuse to be asleep for longer than 4-6 hours at a time, and since I made the effort to go to bed earlier last night than I have been, I woke early.

And then laid here, wishing I was still sleeping.  Knowing my body could really use those extra couple of hours of sleep.

It's another of those (relatively rare in my life) Sunday's where I'm actually going to go to church.

To be honest, I'll probably go to church and, when the time comes where I'm supposed to be paying attention to the sermon, I'll likely pull out my journal so it looks like I'm taking notes, and just spend some time writing.  Is that horrible?  I've been using that ruse at a whole variety of churches for years.

I have an hour and a half or so to roll out of bed, dress for the day, eat something, and join mom on the way out the door.

I'm having early morning pondering and moments of frustration.

I'm reflecting on the irony of the fact that after a week in which I saw more close friends in person than I have in ages (and even managed to talk on the phone or skype with three of the closest who are far away), I'm feeling lonely.

I'm thinking about the things that the week to come will hold.

Time with family from out of town.

Hopefully connecting with a friend to get some important information I've been waiting on.

Is it shallow that one of the things I'm really looking forward to is catching the newest episode of The Amazing Race?

The week needs to hold time spent sending off some resumes.

And time spent quiet, and alone, writing and reading and praying.

It will hold one of my favorite house church events - the week that happens every month or two where we gather and cook and eat together, setting aside any agenda for the evening other than sharing food and enjoying each other's company.

So I lay here in bed, with a TV by internet show playing quietly in the background, and I'm working to shake off the early morning fears and melancholy.  I'll get up and smile and laugh.  I'll make the choice to enjoy the people I'm spending the day with.  I'll go to church and worship.

(And I'll wish, just for a second, that I was still laying in bed in California, and that when I got to church I was going to be greeted by a dear friend, and that there would be palm trees outdoors along the way!)

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 48

Today's Daily 5:

1. a night that mostly involved sleep
2. walking through crunchy, fallen leaves.  that crunching noise is indescribable, and definitely one of my favorite parts of fall.
3. Eating a Rice Krispy Square for breakfast
4. the smell of cookies baking
5. filing a government report online that I'd expected to be a hassle requiring a phone call to the government office, and having it go smoothly, without a phone call being needed.
6. wearing a t-shirt that had some painful connotations and realizing that I could just love the shirt, and it didn't need to be about the things it was connected to at one point
7. Venti Iced Passion Tea Lemonade
8. Noticing that the abbreviation for my favorite drink from Starbucks is PTL.  This made me giggle, given my very churchy upbringing, and my current quest to be more joyful and thankful.
9. spending a whole bunch of time working on a project that will likely become a new hobby for a while
10. enjoying a Coco Brooks BBQ chicken pizza for supper

Mid-Day Weekend Thoughts

I'm not sure why I qualify in the title that these are weekend thoughts.  My days all sort of blend together right now, without much to distinguish a weekend from the rest of the week.

I slept a bit late this morning, which was helpful, since I was up rather late last night, thinking through some things after having been out for a good chunk of the day with a friend.  It wasn't the most restful sleep, but any actual sleep (even the kind with odd dreams) is helpful.

I sat at the bus stop and made a list for the day.  A list that it seemed wouldn't be even kind of accomplished once I arrived at mom and dad's and discovered that their internet connection was down.  Thankfully, they managed to get it fixed quickly, and in the meantime, I did the non-internet sorts of things from my list.  Things like cleaning and baking cookies.

I'm hoping this will be one of those rare days where most things on the list for the day are actually accomplished.  It looks like that might actually happen, even with the addition of several items, extra chores to help mom out, but that she's willing to have me do to pay off a bit of money I owe her for some items she picked up for me at a store or two recently.  A few things that I thought would be time consuming or a pain in the butt to accomplish went smoothly and surprised me.  I love when that happens.

I figure it's a pretty good deal, this doing a few chores at mom and dad's in exchange for free food, and the occasional place to crash for a night, and usage of a table or desk most days as I putter around on the internet.  I have to remind myself, sometimes, how good a deal it is, when mom interrupts for the fourth time that hour with some two minute task that must be done.

And with that, I'm going back to my lists of tasks.  I needed to clear my head a little, by writing about the day, and now that that's done, I'm going back to work!

What about rain?

This quiz made me chuckle.  Some of it is true of me, some of it isn't.  I don't handle grey rainy days really well, but I do enjoy the quiet of them.

Rain Makes You Happy

You tend to move slowly, but you still get a lot done. You are steady. You tend to have your head in the clouds. You are a bit absent minded, and you're often lost in your thoughts. You are naturally content and happy. You can adapt to your environment easily. You prefer to be around people who are familiar and trusted. Your best friends are your oldest friends. You find peace when you are able to slow down. When you can just be, your life clarifies itself.

The Rainy Day Test

Blogthings: We're Not Shrinks, But We Play Them On the Internet

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 47

Today's Daily 5:

1. Google Reader - it really has revolutionized my blog reading, and I'm still loving it
2. finding a Henri Nouwen devotional type book I'd never seen before on the clearance rack at the bookstore
3. hanging out with my friend J - one of my longest standing friends - we've known each other since tenth grade
4. watching the movie "The Social Network" - fascinating movie, and very well done
5. giggling over some really horrible dresses in a very high end designer store.  Nothing like a polyester dress in a fabric that resembles one of those wind-breaker jackets from the eighties that costs $1500.
6. great dinner and conversation

Not Mine to Own

"Not 'if' you get in, but when.  We're going to say when.  I have a good feeling about this."

Her words were well-meaning, and I was trying to smile graciously, and look like I was thankful for her attempt at encouragement, but inside I was cringing.

In my head, she wasn't encouraging, she was just adding another layer of pressure.  Another standard to meet.

She was referring to the question of whether or not I'll be admitted to the nursing program that I've applied for.  It's a question that remains very much up in the air, and one that rather haunts my days right now.  A lot rides on that question, and it's answer.  A lot of my life remains very much up in the air until an answer comes - likely towards the end of October, but maybe even longer.

I have this performance mentality that is deeply ingrained within me.  This need to meet expectations, and the well meaning words I quoted just didn't help things.

She was trying to offer hope, a positive outlook, encouragement.

What I heard was, "It'll be such a disappointment if you don't get accepted.  Acceptance is the standard by which your worth is measured."

I was thinking about those words last night as I sat on a bus on my way to house church.

About that mentality that wants to minimize expectations, and thus minimize the sense of failure, and of disappointing others.  The mentality that is almost afraid to hope, afraid of what happens if that hope is dashed.

And as I sat on the bus pondering this insane need to meet invisible standards, a whisper echoed through my thoughts.

"That isn't yours to own."

huh.

God is doing a lot of crazy things in my life right now.

Changing mindsets and thought patterns.

Showing me things that are unhealthy.

And showing me a perspective that's different.

It's not mine to own.  My well meaning relative didn't know she was adding a layer of pressure to my already smothered in performance expectations, needing to please self.  But even if she'd known, her perspective, her perceptions, her expectations are not mine to own.

I'm responsible for me, and for God.

I'm reminding myself that I put the best effort I had into the courses I took, and that right now I have a choice.

I can wait in fear, or I can wait in hope.

I can fear rejection, or I can hope for admittance.

And I can choose to acknowledge that if I am not accepted, I will be disappointed.  I will ache, and likely cry.  I will probably fight the long standing battle of feeling like a failure.  And then, then I will pick up the pieces and pray some more, and apply for the next session.  And I can remember that the only person whose expectations I'm responsible for are mine.  And that I'm ultimately accountable to Jesus.

And all that other stuff?

The thoughts and expectations of other people - real or perceived?

It's not mine to own.

I might have to be reminded of that over and over and over again.

But it's not mine to own.

Daily Affirmations

I know, I know.  Two youtube videos in one week.  And not even new videos.  This one has been floating around for a while too, but it still makes me laugh.  I came across it again as I was waiting for my flight home from California last week, and it made me smile.  I'm needing a whole lot of reminders to simply affirm myself these days, and this little girl made me laugh.  I watched it several times in a row and flagged it to find again later.  And to share here!