Slow Days

Life seems to move at a pace that is slow right now.

The waiting and limbo thing becomes intolerable at moments, and I am working to come up with ways to fill my days.

Today I'm waiting for a ride, so I'm puttering around my space in Grandma's basement.

I feel like words are coming slowly, too, as I wrestle my way through big issues.

Stuff that isn't formed for sharing, but more for pondering.

I make daily 5 lists throughout the day in my iphone, and add them to the blog at night.

I read blogs, and emails.  I write, though often not for public consumption.

And I move slowly, slowly, slowly forward.

Committed to that forward movement.

Maybe the slow days are okay right now, even when they're the brutally hard ones. 

Maybe I can live, and even thrive in this place.

Most days I'm not all that sure.  But today, on this particular slow day, I think it might be possible.

Limbo

If I could take back the last hour and a half, I would.

Sometimes this living my entire life in limbo business catches up to me, and exhaustion piles up, and I stay stuff I regret.

out loud.  to people I love.

this was one of those nights, the sort of ridiculous capper on a day that actually wasn't too bad.

honestly, after moments like this I contemplate life as a hermit, and battle against feeling convinced that I don't fit in any sort of polite company.

and I speak out of this place of limbo.

and out of a place where the longer the limbo lasts, the more invisible and discouraged I feel at times.

and I battle some long held thought patterns.  lies mostly.

thankfully with a bit more help than I used to have. 

tonight I am reminding myself that I'm not a total disaster all of the time.

that for most of today I was not an emotional basket case (or that I at least didn't share my basket-case like feelings with the world at large.)

that not every day will be like this.

that I am taking steps in my life to make this better.

but today, right this minute, with tears running down my face, after having another tired, emotional and angry conversation with someone I love, I feel just a bit helpless and hopeless and alone.

and living in limbo feels like hell.