Daily 5 - Day 351

Today's daily 5:

1. time in Kensington for tea with a friend
2. Roman Provence Rooibos tea.  my favorite, and not available at all that many tea houses.
3. a natural health treatment this morning from a new practitioner I'm going to see for a while to see if she can help with some of the physical and emotional issues I'm working through at the moment.
4. I helped lay some sod today as part of an ongoing bit of landscaping my parents are doing.  It was nice to work outside for a while.
5. around the other things on my schedule, I managed to also get through an anatomy chapter that also needed to be accomplished today.

Random Anatomy Fact of the Day

A few weeks ago my fascinating fact had to do with the reason your nose runs when you cry.

Today's random anatomy fact involves obesity and high blood pressure.

If you have an increase in the number of blood vessels in your body, your blood pressure is higher.

The reason obese people tend to have high blood pressure is this:  For every extra kilogram of weight that a person puts on, the body develops approximately 650 kilometers of extra blood vessels.

650 km.  How crazy is that?

Daily 5 - Day 350

Today's Daily 5:
an introduction to the daily 5 lists can be found here.

1. made it through all of the anatomy material I needed to make notes on today.  And let me tell you, that is huge, because it was hard slogging a lot of the day.  my brain is pretty exhausted right now, and to keep pushing through and adding more and more material is becoming a huge daily challenge
2. 350 days of writing these lists.  15 days to go to the big 1 year!
3. lighting candles
4. using a bible reading plan that is designed to give you an overview of the entire biblical narrative in 100 days.  quite enjoying it actually.
5. especially enjoying mornings like today where I do the reading sitting in the sun, while I wait for the bus.  it's good whenever I get it done, but I particularly enjoy the days that start that way.
6. had the first mug of tea in a while this morning (it's been too hot for tea, but a friend of mine mentioned that she was off to get some this morning and it made me want some.)  it was pomegranate green tea, and was a good way to start the day.
7. didn't get everything on my list for the day done, but I made good headway and got through most of the important items.
8. spent 20 minutes just laying on the floor, using this thing my mom has that basically vibrates and loosens up your entire body.  so I laid there and got loosened up, and listened to a sermon at the same time.  it was a good way to reward myself for getting through all of the anatomy
9. steak and green beans and baby potatoes for supper
10. restful evening, with no school work.

On the agenda

Today's "To Do" List looks something like the following:
(and, I am, of course, procrastinating about actually tackling it, by recreating it in a blog post)

• Finish making notes on an anatomy chapter about blood
• Make notes on an anatomy chapter about the heart
• Finish the 4th of 6 stats assignments (only one question left!)
• at least begin to tackle some of the reading for the next session of the christian leadership class I'm also taking (I've had weeks to do it, and keep putting it off because I've been so busy, but one of these days the next session is suddenly going to appear on my schedule, and then I'll really be in trouble!)
• fill out some government employment paperwork
• RSVP to a couple of wedding/parties that I've been putting off RSVPing to
• do something that is healthy - exercise, or a treatment, or something.
• try not to be overwhelmed by the sheer volume of school work on this list
• stop procrastinating by writing blog posts, and actually start the list, aiming for the goal of a highly productive day.

Daily 5 - Day 349

Today's Daily 5:

1. that rare grin that comes in the middle of writing an exam when you realize you studied exactly that question, and can answer it with absolute clarity and certainty.
2. the relief of finishing an exam I'd dreaded
3. fresh blueberries
4. a postcard of the Sistine Chapel that L mailed to me from the Vatican.  She told me that she'd been told that if you spent only 1 minute looking at each individual piece of art in the Vatican museums, it would take 13 years to view all of the art.  This is a challenge I think I'd love to fulfill someday.  Does anyone know how I can bankroll 13 (more actually, factoring in the need to eat and sleep and have bathroom breaks) years in Italy doing nothing more than hanging out at the Vatican museums?
5. time spent in good conversation at house church tonight

Another Day

Schoolwork is somewhat all consuming at the moment.

Add that to limited energy again as I work through some emotionally draining stuff, and I'm finding myself generally with few words.

I'm struggling to find words even for those I share life with on a daily basis, online or "in real life" (or both!)

Last night I re-took an anatomy quiz from last weekend that did not go well.  I passed the retake, and that was pretty much all I was looking for.

This morning I wrote an anatomy midterm on the same material.

A week from today I write another anatomy midterm.  Before that midterm I have another quiz, and an assignment to submit.  And before the quiz and the assignment, I have five chapters of material to absorb.

All that to say that it might be a little quiet around here for the next week or so, again.  Unless I manage to find time on the weekend to schedule some posts.

But I am still reading emails and comments, and they're often making me smile.

So there's that, I guess.

Daily 5 - Day 348

Today's Daily 5:

1. passed a re-take of an anatomy quiz
2. turns out my actual anatomy tutor (not the substitute I've had for the last month) is really sweet and helpful.
3. took a long bath to relax (and study) this afternoon
4. laughing with missionary guests at mom and dad's
5. chocolate

The Only Problem I Have With These Mysteries

Yesterday I came across a song by Caedmon's Call that has long been a favorite, and feels appropriate for the journey I find myself walking out in the present season.

Sometimes I believe all the lies
So I can do the things I should despise
And every day I am swayed
By whatever is on my mind

I hear it all depends on my faith
So I'm feeling precarious
The only problem I have with these mysteries
Is they're so mysterious

And like a consumer I've been thinking
If I could just get a bit more
More than my 15 minutes of faith,
Then I'd be secure

My faith is like shifting sand
Changed by every wave
My faith is like shifting sand
So I stand on grace

I've begged you for some proof
For my Thomas eyes to see
A slithering staff, a leperous hand
And lions resting lazily

A glimpse of your back-side glory
And this soaked altar going ablaze
But you know I've seen so much
I explained it away

Waters rose as my doubts reigned
My sand-castle faith, it slipped away
Found myself standing on your grace
It'd been there all the time

Stand on grace

The only problem I have with these mysteries is they're so mysterious.  And I have explained so much away.  I heard this song and played it several times over, realizing anew what I've known and seen, and reminding myself again of grace, and the need to trust, even in the moments when it really does seem as if the very ground I'm standing upon is soft, and shifting.

A Prayer to End the Day

Another prayer from "Sounds of the Eternal: A Celtic Psalter" by J. Philip Newell:

It is in sleeping that my body is refreshed
It is in letting go that my soul is revived
It is in dying that I am born anew.
Bless to my my sleeping, O God,
bless to me my letting go,
bless to me my dying,
that tonight I may enter your stillness,
that tomorrow I may awake renewed,
that in the end I may be fully alive to you.
Tonight, tomorrow and always, O God,
may I be truly alive to you.

Daily 5 - Day 347

Today's Daily 5:

1. Hanging out with a friend I met when we were both bridesmaids at T & L's wedding
2. Feeling just a little bit better
3. eating supper at the table on the patio, fresh off the grill
4. making my way through the vast majority of another stats assignment
5. marking a few little niggling tasks that had been there for several days off of my list

Subject Lines and Fortune Cookie Wisdom

Have I ever mentioned that God has this tendency to send me email?  And talk to me with fortune cookies after Chinese takeout? I have a long history of awkward, funny, or convicting moments.

The following are some of the subject lines that popped up in my email over the weekend and the last day or two:

Tough Seasons Grow Us Up

A Wild Wilderness Ride

Have I found a way to take my struggles and pain to God?

Where do I abide?

You will be SAFE in the Eye of the Storm.

Then there were a few blog posts today that hit hard.

This quote from Walter Bruggemann at Marko's blog.  "Mature personhood does not come by pilgrimages of continuity, but by abrasion, disruption, and discontinuity which shatter our grasp of things and make us, at key points, not the initiators but the recipients of gifts and surprises that we often do not want to receive."

These thoughts on insecurity at Grit and Glory.

And there was the fortune cookie.  Keep in mind that I opened this fortune cookie, leftover from Chinese takeout the night before, after spending a good solid hour sobbing, talking with someone about some rampant insecurities, and self image/self confidence issues that are resurfacing in my life right now.

The fortune read: "Your qualities overshadow your weaknesses."

What made the fortune cookie even more hilarious is the fact that, as I paused to open it, I remembered several significant moments in the past where the fortune in a cookie like that has been a clear confirmation of direction.  I can't decide if I was hoping for encouragement this time, or just a dud.  Because I was definitely not really wanting to hear from God.  I was (maybe am still, depending on the moment) pretty mad at him, at his timing, at how my life is looking in the present moment.  And then my fortune confirmed what the person I'd been talking with had spent a good chunk of time trying to hear me.  And confirmed it in that, "this is not a coincidence" way, simply because I'd been reminded as I cracked open the cookie of just how often Jesus has decided to entertain himself by padding my fortune cookies with his messages to me. 

So, I guess that leaves me in a place of either trusting all these not-so-subtle messages, or of trying to ignore a point that is being clearly communicated.  My choice.  Probably not a hard one to make, though perhaps one that is harder to live, but again, an underscoring of the theme of choice that is making itself clear.

The Art of Choosing

I watched this video from TED yesterday and found it absolutely fascinating, and had to share.

Daily 5 - Day 346

Today's Daily 5:

1. Thankful that after waking from a bad nightmare at 4am, I managed to get a bit more sleep, without descending again into the nightmare.
2. Managed to get an exam that was supposed to be tomorrow rescheduled.  Necessary due to some complications, but I'm simply relieved that I was able to reschedule it for the date I was hoping for.
3. Several encouraging emails from friends, assuring me that I am not alone, that I am loved and being prayed for, and that there is an "other side" to the current battles my journey is caught in.
4. finished an assignment that I'd been sort of stuck on.
5. a day that felt a little less mired in crap, and a bit more hopeful

Wilderness or Battle: Tired of the Long Way

The weekend was brutal.  Really, the last two or three weeks have been brutal, but I haven't known how to describe them.

I still don't have words, really.

I'm sick today.  Most likely from stress, and a hangover of the many tears shed the last few days.

I had a brutal nightmare this morning at 4 am.

A vivid combination of processing some of the many hard emotions of the weekend, and the blatantly demonic.

At least I was able to fall back asleep for a while after this one.

I'm dealing with a particular icky manifestation of some of what had gone on in the past.

A manifestation that I thought gone, rather permanently.

And life is broken.

Because the weekend was rough, there aren't posts scheduled for this week.  Maybe I'll get to that, but I might not.  It might just have to be a sporadic blogging sort of week.

My heart aches.

I found myself thinking this morning about a post I wrote quite a while back, now. 

I talked about the Dixie Chicks song, "The Long Way Around".

I'm tired of taking the long way, today.  I'm tired of the journey of healing not being instantaneous.  My head reminds me that it usually isn't, that this is not unusual, and that I will walk through this, one step after another, if I can only just manage to keep walking.

It's been two long years now
Since the top of the world came crashing down
And I'm getting' it back on the road now
But I'm taking the long way
Taking the long way around
I'm taking the long way
Taking the long way around
The long
The long way around

Well, I fought with a stranger and I met myself
I opened my mouth and I heard myself
It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself
Guess I could have made it easier on myself
But I, I could never follow
No I, I could never follow
Well, I never seem to do it like anybody else
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down
If you ever want to find me I can still be found
Taking the long way
Taking the long way around
Taking the long way
Taking the long way around

It's actually been close to three years now, since the events that started some of the crashing in of my world.

And in my more generous moments, I can choose to see all the beauty that has also occurred in those three years.

Or to see the beginning of that crashing in as beginning the journey of healing.

In my more generous and faith and hope-filled moments.

The rest of the time (and even in some of those generous moments)?  I'm tired of taking the long way.

I read these rather telling verses in Exodus the other day, "When Pharaoh finally let the people go, God did not lead them along the main road that runs through Philistine territory, even though that was the shortest route to the Promised Land.  God said, 'If the people are faced with a battle, they might change their mind and return to Egypt.  So God let them in a roundabout way through the wilderness toward the Red Sea."  (Exodus 13:17-18)

"If they're faced with a battle they might change their mind."  He gave them a wilderness instead of a battle.  It doesn't seem like a better option, really.  And granted, the children of Israel aren't exactly known for their happy and compliant spirits. 

I'm tired of the long way.  But I'm not sure that I prefer the battle that seems to be the other option.  And so I find myself, standing, feeling somewhat paralyzed, as I wait to figure what step comes next.

Daily 5 - Day 345

Today's Daily 5:

1. fortune cookie wisdom (and a funny moment with one today)
2. church in the park
3. tears and a hug
4. British humor
5. a treatment from mom

Daily 5 - Day 344

Today's Daily 5:

1. kit kat bar
2. walking in the cemetery this afternoon.  (I paid a visit to a local Victorian cemetery that I love to walk in... it's a place I go when my heart is really aching, and I need time to walk and think and listen and pray.  I needed that today.)
3. pausing to notice flowers, and smile at them, try to let their beauty penetrate
4. taking photos as I walked... epitaphs that struck me, and flowers...
5. the brief moments when my racing thoughts settled, and there was quiet peace and I could breathe again
6. this beautiful post that Renee wrote, that my heart simply said, "yes" to, because I know that place she describes, in my own way, right now.
7. watching a British comedy/drama television series on DVD with mom and dad and laughing.  British humor really is to my taste.
8. recognizing in a fresh way a gift of grace offered to me in the midst of a challenging conversation last night
9. tears that finally flowed, no longer able to be contained
10. a quiet place to rest tonight at mom and dad's

Complicated

Apparently my fruit smoothie says I'm complicated!  The results of this one made me chuckle, especially since these days I start most days with a fruit smoothie.

You Are Complicated

You have many sides to your personality. You aren't exactly the easiest person to figure out. You are quirky and apt to contradict yourself. You are constantly evolving and changing. You have a unique take on life, and unlike most people, you're not too optimistic or pessimistic. You appreciate novelty and uniqueness. Most of your favorite things are acquired tastes.

The Smoothie Test

Blogthings: We Have a Quiz for Almost Everything

A Grown-Up Taste

It all started when I wrote a post about being well, and choosing to love anyway, even in the really hard moments.  I scheduled it to go live, and forgot about it.

Until the day it went live, and I discovered my own words were being used by God to convict me. 

That was new.

Until it happened again this week.  I wrote a post on the weekend, just some quick thoughts, forgot what day it was scheduled for, and, on the day it went live, spent the day eating the words I'd written.

I even wrote a post about eating my own words, complaining about being a grown-up, and having to make choices.

And then, with my own post about eating my words ringing in my ears, I made the mistake of chatting with a dear friend, and whining a little about this newfound method of God's voice and conviction speaking to me.  I sent her the post I'd written and her response was telling.

"Why do your words have to taste bad?"

umm... excuse me?

"If you write good words, and you eat them, why do they have to taste bad?"

I hate it when God borrows her voice.

I've been thinking a lot lately about "grown-up" tastes.  I love to cook, and these days I'm far more brave about the recipes I'll try.  I don't reject a recipe out of hand because it has one ingredient in it that I'm not necessarily fond of.  I learned to broaden my tastes because of compromise, and I learned compromise sharing a grocery budget with my roommate.  I can honestly tell you that these days I eat dishes with mushrooms, onions, and even cook regularly with ground beef because of her.  They are foods (well, not ground beef, that was just over-exposure as a kid) that to me, are grown up tastes.

My friend's word's resonated.

Why do your words have to taste bad?

I was whining about conviction.  She was pointing out that I pray regularly to hear God speak clearly, and I was now hearing him in my own writing, and complaining about it.  "Not like that, God.  You can't speak like that."

I talked in an earlier post about wrestling with the choices before me right now.  Choose life, not death.  Choose joy, not despair.  Choose healing, not festering wounds.  Choose forgiveness.  Choose to love even when it costs something.  About how those feel like really "grown-up" choices to have to deal with, and about how my default response is a favorite Meredith quote from Grey's Anatomy, in which in a rather stunned and panicked tone she cries out, "I'm an adult!  When did that happen, and how do I make it stop?"

But even in those moments I heard the echoes of scripture reminding me of Paul's words in 1 Corinthians, "When I was a child, I spoke and thought as a child.  But when I grew up, I put childish things away."

And I am struck, too, by these words from the author of Hebrews, "You have been believers so long now that you ought to be teaching others.  Instead, you need someone to teach you again the basic things about God's word.  You are like babies who need milk and cannot eat solid food. For someone who lives on milk is still an infant and doesn't know how to do what is right.  Solid food is for those who are mature, who through training have the skill to recognize the difference between right and wrong."

Maybe it's time to develop a grown-up taste?  Maybe the words God offers don't have to taste bad when I need to eat them.  Maybe it's time to develop a taste for the word of God - his conviction, guidance and direction - in whatever form they come in.  Even if it means eating my own words.

Daily 5 - Day 343

Today's Daily 5:

1. pancakes for breakfast (though, they were made with spelt and soymilk, so not quite as good as buttermilk pancakes, but still pancakes)
2. the bus driver saw me sprinting for the bus and stopped to let me on, rather than making me wait for the next one
3. chinese take out for supper
4. laughing with friends for the evening (and laughing at God's sense of humor in how we managed to spend the evening indirectly talking about all of the subjects I'd rather have forgotten about)
5. got a longish walk in when I discovered I'd have to sit for 40 minutes to wait for the bus to get home tonight, and realized I could walk the distance in less time than the wait would be.

Hope

"Until we walk with despair, and still have hope, we will not know that our hope was not just hope in ourselves, in our successes, in our power to make a difference, in our image of what perfection and wholeness should be. We need hope from a deeper Source.

Until we walk with despair, we will never uncover the Real Hope on the other side of despair. Until we allow the crash and crush of our images, we will never discover the Real Life beyond what only seems like death.

This very journey is probably the heart of what Jesus came to reveal."  (Richard Rohr)

I was digging through my backlog of thoughts, quotes and meditations I've wanted to share here at some point, and came across the above passage from Richard Rohr.

I've been thinking a lot about hope again in the last week or two.  Partly because I'm praying for some situations that seem, in the natural anyway, barring miracles, hopeless.  Partly because I've been working through some stuff from my past that came up again - stuff from a time that really did create a sense of despair.

Hope, if you know me well, is one of my favorite words.  And this week I'm thinking about it, scouring my life for it, and clinging to it with white-knuckled fingers just because it is what it is.

And it encouraged me to be reminded by this quote that hope shines brightest in despair.  That it is in despair that we discover how grounded our hope truly is.  And that Jesus is hope revealed, and worth clinging to.

Daily 5 - Day 342

Today's Daily 5:

1. I wrote my stats midterm today, and I think it went really well.  I was quite nervous about this one, but definitely felt God's hand on me as I wrote the exam, bringing clarity of thought and understanding.  I feel like it sounds weird to say that, but absolutely the only way I can explain the fact that this crazy math stuff is making some sort of sense to me is God's hand.
2. Thankful for friends who speak truth, even when I really don't want to hear it.
3. Thankful for late night conversations sitting in cars, and honest sharing
4. Thankful for laughter
5. the giggles of a baby... I love when I can elicit that response
6. knowing I have friends who care about how my week is going
7. Rob Bell's "The Gods Aren't Angry" DVD, and particularly the line "You don't have to live like this."
8. brownies at house church.  I hadn't had chocolate today, and brownies while watching Rob Bell was a great way to round out the evening
9. thankful for my own bed, even when I don't love the location it's in at the moment
10. thankful for words stirring and thoughts rumbling...

Eating My Words

The experience of writing blog posts on the weekend and scheduling them to appear through the week is turning out to be an illuminating one.

Mostly because I have this tendency to forget what I've scheduled for the day, and, when I go back and check, I'm tending to find myself rather deeply convicted by own words.  That, or needing to just eat them because the conviction is huge.

Today is one of those days.

When I wrote earlier in the week about wrestling with pigs (and scheduled the post to go live this morning), it was a revelation for my heart.  Turns out it was one that's going to take a bit more work.

I spent most of the day wrestling with my own internal pigs.  And getting dirty.

I don't recommend it.

I'm probably still doing it.  And I'm working on that.

Anger and fear and exhaustion among other things easy pigs to engage.

I'm struck over and over again by choices.

By the reality that I get to choose.

And I struggle with that reality of choice.

Choosing to forgive.  Choosing to love.  Choosing to be joyful.

Because I can make those choices, but they seem intangible.  And sometimes I make the choice and it doesn't seem to matter.  Or I make the choice and have to make it again 2 minutes later, and again a minute after that.

And that reality makes me crazy.  Because deep down, even though I'm totally an "embrace the mystery" kind of gal, I really just like some things to black and white.  And these kind of choices and their affects are so grey it makes me crazy.

I don't love, either, the way that making a choice drops the responsibility in my lap. 

Because I know better than anyone how little I should really be responsible for.   How much I'd rather shirk responsibility.

This whole discussion brings to mind a favorite line from Gray's Anatomy.  "I'm an adult, when did that happen, and how do I make it stop?"

And while I pause to laugh at a line from a show that has spoken to deep parts of me over and over, I hear the echo of scripture, too, "...put aside childish things..."

And I wonder how to adapt to this new place of life.  To making choices instead of having someone make them for me.  And I find myself again clinging with that white-knuckled trust that seems to be defining the last few weeks to the reality that God is somehow in this, too.  And that He will be faithful to hold me.

The Pigs Like It

I had to chuckle at this post on Michael Hyatt's blog the other day.

Especially the following quote:

"Don't wrestle with pigs.  You both get dirty, and the pigs like it."

It made me laugh ruefully, and then pause.

I think in the midst of the difficult couple of weeks I've been having, I've probably wrestled a few of my own personal pigs.  Dumb idea.

And not an idea particularly conducive to healing.

I know the quote (at least in the context that Hyatt used it) is referring to other people, but sometimes I think my thoughts are my own biggest critics.  How often do I wrestle with pigs brought on by pride, fear, anger, and even physical health issues, instead of choosing to abstain?  How often do I forget that passage in Hebrews that reminds me to "fix my eyes on Jesus"? 

In the New Living Translation of that verse (Hebrews 12:2), Jesus is described as "the champion who initiates and perfects our faith."

Huh.

Maybe if I remembered that, I'd do a little less pig wrestling.

Because after all, the pigs like it.  And I don't. 

Daily 5 - Day 341

Today's Daily 5:

1. natural health treatment tonight
2. cooking dinner - a favorite recipe from when L and I lived together
3. laughing over another email from L.
4. a productive day, in spite of many threatening distractions
5. honest conversation on some hard topics with a dear friend.

Shake the Dust

I was watching and listening to this video again from Anis Mojgani.

Shake the Dust.

For me (yes, in spite of the rougher language at moments) this is a powerful image.

Shake the dust.

From life.

Brush off the cobwebs.

These last few weeks have been full of deep aches and brokenness.

In my own heart, and in those around me.

Carrying deep burdens of prayer.

Choosing to love when I'd really rather not.

They've been hard weeks, and I've been feeling down.

Some of that is just physical.  A change in medications that my body is having trouble adapting to.  The wear on one's body and mind from the kind of intense weeks I've been having.

Some is emotional and some spiritual.

I feel cobwebby.  Trapped in this crazy circle of feeling miserable and overwhelmed.

And I came across one of my own old posts, and was reminded that I've been here before.

Shake the dust.

Choose to celebrate hope.

Choose joy and life and peace.

Choose to be grateful for the healing that comes and is coming.

Choose to focus on all of those things instead of the brokenness.

And choose to trust Jesus with the brokenness.

In me, and in all whom I love.

Shake the Dust.

And really, really live.

Daily 5 - Day 340

Today's Daily 5:
(If you're new here, an introduction to the concept of the daily 5 can be found here.)

1. The midterm went well, I think.
2. Marking things off of a to-do list this evening
3. trading emails about the little (and big) stuff of life with a dear friend
4. getting an email from L.  who is currently in Rome.  the email made me laugh and her location made me jealous.
5. chatting with my brother T. while he ate his lunch today.
6. rewarding my study and midterm efforts of the day with an almond joy bar.
7. lighting candles all around my basement bedroom at Grandma's.  Partially because the room is cold, and I wanted the added warmth.  And partly because for me, candles are a way to pray, and bring Light.  And I needed that light tonight.
8. Sitting in the sunshine for a little while on mom and dad's patio, after my exam this morning, reading a novel and eating my breakfast.
9. wearing the necklace I wear every day, a white gold chain with a St. Clair of Assisi medal.  It's a medal with great personal meaning for me, and Claire is a favorite saint.  Some days I notice the medal more than others, the odd comfort in it's presence, the reminder of hope and healing that it holds for me.  Today was one of those days.
10. the sweet, fresh scents of the candles around the room.
11. watching an intense thunderstorm through the windows over supper with mom and dad
12. getting a ride home instead of having to take the bus, because of the storm
13. the smell of the air outside during the rain
14. curling up in my pjs and a favorite hoodie and working on my "to do" list from bed.
15. making lists - to do lists for other days this week, daily 5's, mental lists.  I like the sense of organization and they offer, while knowing that I'm also learning to be far more flexible in not only their construction, but their execution!

Passion Fatigue

I appreciated this brief article that Pete Greig wrote for the 24-7 Prayer website last week.

It's still challenging for me to read stuff from 24-7.  I have a very mixed history with them, from really meeting God deeply and discovering a heart for intercession in various prayer rooms, to some really rough experiences that took me to a place where it was well over a year before I was even able to venture into a prayer room again.  (And then, the first time I ventured back to one, I sat alone in the basement, quelling all the fears and memories and trying to really enter into worship in that space, and a fight quite literally broke out upstairs above me!)  That said, I am continually challenged by the lives and writing of some of those deeply involved in 24-7, and these days I work to be thankful for the good things that movement added to my faith, and not focus on the really painful memories.

I know the feelings that Pete is describing, though I think sometimes I get tired reading of all the reports of God's work and goodness simply because I'm not living in a place right now where I get to see much of that first hand.  After a while about reading about the things God is doing elsewhere, I get dissatisfied with the ways that I know he is working here.  I want "bigger and better."

And yet, I was struck by Pete's conclusion, as he spoke about the couple who simply wanted him to help them thank God.  Because that moment is one that is deeply moving, I think, and it reminds me to carry that contentment and thankfulness that I've been working to develop and carry with me.

Daily 5 - Day 339

Today's Daily 5:

1. Trading my hated Monday vaccuming chore for the chore of cooking supper.  I definitely got the way better end of that deal in my mind.
2. A tall mug of pomegranate green tea
3. taking a long hot bath and reading
4. watching the movie "Stranger than Fiction" with Mom and Dad tonight.  such great lines in that movie, and really, just one of the generally most creative and lovely movies on my list of favorites.
5. sleeping at mom and dad's tonight, because it's easier to get downtown for my 9 am midterm exam tomorrow morning from their house, than it is from Grandma's house.

Motivation Lacking

On days like today I start hearing the word "discipline" in my head.

I can never quite decide if it's a dirty word, or a positive trait.

I heard it a lot going up.  It was touted by my dad as "the" character trait to develop.  "If you're just disciplined..."  Everything was approached with this sort of regimented plan.  Attacked if you will.  Struggling in your prayer life?  Discipline.  Want to lose weight or eat right?  Discipline.  You name the question, the answer was very often discipline.

It's not a word I like.  To me it's a word that carries connotations of failure.  Of not measuring up.  Of a regimented, planned, boring, lacking in deep experiences kind of life.

And I rebelled against that.  Especially in my spiritual life.

Because I was tired of feeling like a failure. 

I convinced myself that discipline was a dirty word, and that I'd just do what I felt like with life.

Trouble is, I usually didn't feel like doing any of those things that are good for me.

A friend told me recently that the discipline I was applying in some areas of my life was good to see, that it was a positive trait.

I reminded her that I wasn't fond of that word.

She pointed out again that it was a quality worth developing.

I've been thinking on that.

I'm thinking about it today, when the motivation to study for my first anatomy midterm is sorely lacking.  When I'm not feeling well, and what I really want to do is to crawl back into bed and sleep for a couple of days.  When I'm sitting here writing a blog post instead of reviewing anatomy notes, or vacuuming, or working on a statistics assignment, or a reading assignment for the Christian leadership course that I'm also taking.

I'm thinking I'd better apply myself, and use all the tricks in the book to make it work.  Rewards, little breaks.  Whatever it takes.  Because that midterm is tomorrow, and this grade is important.  How I do in these classes has an effect on my future.

So, I'm off to drum up some motivation.  And, if all else fails, I'll force the issue.

Maybe discipline isn't such a dirty word afterall?

Still Being Spoken

I've talked here before, and quoted from Robert Benson's "The Echo Within".  It's the book on calling that I picked up in Michigan, on the way home from Ontario, after I'd lost my job.  It's the book that shaped, to some extent, the process of discernment that led me to choosing this journey towards nursing.  And it's the book that inspired my thoughts on being "duckless."

I was flipping through this marvelous little book again the other morning, and came across the following two bits.

"We are, said Bob Mulholland, 'an incarnate word, spoken by God, still being spoken by God.'  And because we are still being spoken, the questions we have about calling, are, in part, questions about listening for the incarnate word whispered into us.  They are questions about learning to open up to and becoming the word that was whispered into us.  And is still being whispered into us." (pg. 13)

"Somewhere deep inside of me, perhaps in the truest and most holy part of me - the part of me that is the most me there is or ever will be - there is an echo of the Voice that spoke me into being and is still speaking the incarnate word who is Robert.  If I can learn to recognize that Voice, I may also learn to trust it." (pg. 14)

These two bits struck deeply as I pondered the last week or two.  It's been a swirl of reminders to trust, and a swirl of moments where trusting felt like clinging for dear life, with white knuckles and gritted teeth.

One of those moments involved finances, and working. 

I turned down a job offer the other day.  Not because I thought I'd dislike the job (I was pretty sure I wouldn't).  Not because the pay was poor (though it was.)  But because deep inside me, as I'd been pondering the whole "part-time work while in school this summer" situation, as I'd been praying, I'd reached the conviction that this summer needed to be about focusing on my studies and about rest.  That it was to be a time of recovery from the stresses of some major life challenges and of the toxic environment in which I worked for the last three years.  That it was time to rest, to heal, to be restored, to find health again.

Sounds good, right?

And practically, I'm financially okay to do this.  I'm even financially okay to not work a bit longer than that if nothing pops up immediately in September.

My head and heart sort of agree on this.  It's a good decision, one that I believe is God's leading.

But as soon as I made it, I descended into panicky sobs.

Because, you see, fear plays a role, too.

And in turning down a job I opened a deep fear - that there wouldn't be something else.  That being dismissed from my last job was actually a statement of my worth.  That clearly I didn't have value as an employee, and that was why I'd been fired.

It didn't really matter in that moment that I knew that none of those things were true.  In that moment I could list other examples for you.  Examples like losing a job during the depression years, basically because I wasn't "perky" enough. 

It didn't even matter in that moment that my heart could also recognize this as a wound that God was offering to heal if I would choose to trust again in his timing, his leading, his provision.

All I could really acknowledge was the fear, and the latent grief over the way my job came so suddenly to an end.  And I cried for a long time.  Then I forced myself to sit with a journal, and acknowledge "out loud" all of the things I was feeling.

And then I started reminding myself of all the reasons and confirmations along the journey, as I started this summer path of studying and resting.  As I started walking this new direction towards nursing.

And I thought of these lines from Benson, about trusting the voice that is speaking.  And about a word that is still being spoken.  My life is still being spoken, and it's being spoken by One whom I am increasingly able to trust.  One who's loving care and direction is something I see increasingly, and increasingly find rest in.

"Somewhere deep inside of me, perhaps in the truest and most holy part of me - the part of me that is the most me there is or ever will be - there is an echo of the Voice that spoke me into being and is still speaking the incarnate word who is Lisa.  If I can learn to recognize that Voice, I may also learn to trust it" (Benson, with a change of name to personalize for me.)

I am still being spoken.  And that, my friends, is one of the most comforting thoughts that I've encountered in quite some time.

Daily 5 - Day 338

Today's Daily 5:

1. actually managed to sleep in... (probably because I stayed at mom and dad's last night)
2. novel reading
3. going to a movie (How to Train a Dragon - so good) with mom and dad
4. laughter
5. turkey burgers

From Richard Rohr

Today's meditation from Richard Rohr was stunning, and I wanted to share it in it's entirety here:

Question of the Day:
What struggles have given me a deeper insight
into the workings of the Holy Spirit?

The best thing that I can possibly do as a teacher/preacher is to help people to recognize and trust their own deeper spiritual intuitions.  I am convinced this is what we would call the indwelling presence of the Holy Spirit.  We are not alone; guidance is always being offered. 

My great disappointment in so much of institutional religion is that I don’t think it helps people to trust their deeper spiritual intuitions.  So often it appears to be doing a non-stop flight over all of that.  Often we give people answers to questions they have not yet struggled with or suffered for.  So the answers that they finally have are not deeply understood or deeply felt.  They are not their own answers, and are forgotten easily.

(Richard Rohr, "The Authority of Those Who Have Suffered")

~~~

It feels odd to post a critique of institutional religion. I'm probably the biggest proponent of the organized church that I know.  And I don't particularly care what form it takes, either.  I've met Jesus powerfully at mass, and in a crazy charismatic church, and in a home church, and sitting in the dark in a car with a friend.  I feel strongly that each one of those moments, and everything in between encompasses the body of Christ.

That said, Rohr's words hit me strongly.  Because I've had people offer me answers to questions I didn't know I had, and they weren't my answers.  I needed to go through a lot of painful experiences to have answers to those questions.  I wrote, in one way or another, about some of those experiences here, here, and here over the last week.  I'm grateful for those experiences, and for the answers that came in the midst of suffering.

They've changed the way I pray.  Though I prefer to be left alone at times to simply live out my own "mysteries of faith", my nature is to fix it.  Quick answers.  "Easy" solutions.  Box that problem up into manageable sizes.  I've learned to really value the friends who ask me to listen for my own spiritual intuition (as Rohr puts it).  And I'm learning to emulate them as I walk with others through hard parts of their journeys.

Daily 5 - Day 337

Today's Daily 5:

1. Laughing over a text message exchange with a friend from my house church who was going sky-diving today
2. Actually managing to sleep in a little
3. A mellow day, some studying and reviewing for midterms next week, and a bunch of housework, but also resting.  Thankful for that - a day where the important stuff got finished, but rest was also involved.
4. Reading a novel I've read in the past and always enjoyed, and knowing it's only the second in a series of about seven, all of which are great reads.
5. coming across the "Value Tales" books on the shelves at mom and dad's.  thinking I'm going to have to spend some revisiting all of those wonderful, short biographies of incredible people, written to instill specific values and character traits in kids.  Seriously, these are some of the most wonderful kids books around if you can get your hands on them.

Before You're 30

In less than a month I'll be hitting my 27th birthday.

Last week I came across this article by Jason Boyett at Relevant Magazine's website.  9 Things To Know Before You're 30.

I read through the list and had to smile.  Some of those lessons I wish I'd learned in my early twenties.  For one or two I'm still paying the price-tag of the lesson.  And some, to me, seem to just be slowly coming naturally as I'm open to God working in my life and as I'm growing and changing as a person as well.

My question is this - what lessons do you wish you had learned earlier?  is it one on the list, or something totally different?  what's the best lesson you've learned?

Daily 5 - Day 336

Today's Daily 5:

1. feeling prompted to text message a dear friend (who rarely carries her phone) on the chance she had it with her right now,  and hearing back from her hours later, thanking me, and telling me that I'd also been on her heart.
2. a few honest conversations at the Stampede BBQ tonight.  not always a common occurrence when I'm at an event hosted by dad's church
3. learning about the "special senses" today, and collecting some really useful and fascinating (to me anyway) information about taste, vision, hearing, smell, and equilibrium.
4. crossing some things off my list that been weighing on my heart a bit this week.
5. a long hot bath this afternoon, while reading a novel.

Random Today Thoughts

This has been the sort of day I generally like best.  Things go smoothly, and get accomplished, but there is rest and joy and peace and humor amongst those things.

I needed a today like this.  Yesterday was anything but.  Full of hard moments and tears.  Just one of those days where all of the things being juggled come crashing to the ground and you stand there amidst the scattered bits and pieces of life and wonder if this is really what the beginning of healing looks like?  This shattered, broken, scattered thing?

Today's anatomy chapter was about the "special senses".  Taste, vision, hearing, smell and equilibrium.  It was a long chapter.  Vision and hearing in particular, it turns out, are rather involved processes.  I learned (or in some cases was reminded of) some facts that fascinated me.  Things like the fact that though your nose is able to distinguish something like 10,000 unique smells, there are actually only 5 distinguishable tastes.  Practically, this means that when you have a cold and your food seems tasteless, it's actually because your nose is plugged and you can't smell, and doesn't have much at all to do with the physical process of taste.  By far my favorite fact of the day is the reason you get a runny nose when you cry.  (Hey, I spent a good portion of yesterday crying, I had a vested interest in this piece of information!)  It turns out that your tear ducts actually drain into your nose.  So, when you cry, and your tear ducts are producing tears like crazy, instead of just lubricating your eye, they spill over your eyelids (and down your cheeks) and the excess drains into your nose.  Thus, a runny nose when crying!

The anatomy chapter too probably four hours to wade through and make notes and define terms, but stats went quickly today, though I'll need to attack another assignment over the next few days, and that is bound to be time consuming.  Other than that, though, and some serious memorizing and review, I don't have anything on the schedule school wise, for the weekend.  And that is a relief in and of itself.

I also spent an hour or so resting this afternoon.  Laid out in a hot bath, reading a novel.  A most excellent way to reward oneself for a long morning of anatomy, and to ease the edges of yesterday's painful remnants.

An email to my former roommate, catching her up on life, and another to the man in charge of my RRSPs from my former company rounded out the day.  Call me crazy, but I'm looking at changing financial advisors.  I'm just not comfortable with the close ties my financial advisor has to my former employer.  Ties professionally, but more uncomfortably, personally.  Ties like being the ex-husband of the woman who was formally my boss.  Though I know there is a code of professional ethics that he'd be a fool to break, I'll feel better if someone who doesn't talk to her regularly because of shared children, is in charge of a large sum of my money!

And with that, I'm off... dad's church is having a Stampede BBQ tonight, and if there's free food, that's usually where I can be found these days!  Food, likely laughter, and family.  Doesn't sound like a bad way to spend an evening!

Celtic Prayers

When I was in Michigan, on the way home from Ontario, just after losing my job in May, we stopped at a fabulous discount Christian bookstore, and one of the gems that I picked up was a little book called, "Sounds of the Eternal: A Celtic Psalter".  This book has truly proven itself a gem.  It's structured with prayers and scriptures for each morning and evening of the week.

To be honest, I really haven't looked at or read the morning prayers, but for several weeks now I've been cycling my way through the evening prayers for each day just before I go to sleep at night.

I'm finding the depth of these prayers to be stunning.  These ancient prayers are giving words to the cries of my heart in this season, and I wanted to share a few particular favorites with you.

Like light dappling through the leaves of a tree
and wind stirring in its branches,
like birdsong sounding from the heights of an orchard
and the scent of blossom after rainfall,
so you dapple and sound in the human soul,
so you stir into motion all that lives.
Let your graces of healing flow this night,
for my soul is wounded
and there is brokenness in my life.
Let your graces of healing flow, dear God,
for those whom I love are in need this night
and there are agonies in the life of the world.
There are agonies in the life of the world, O my soul,
and those whom I love are in pain.

~~~

Bless my body and soul this night
that I may be renewed in the forgetfulness of sleep.
Visit me in my dreams
that I may remember my birth in you.
Protect me with your angels of brightness, O God,
that I may awake to the freshness of the morning,
that I may awake to You as the new day's freshness

~~~

Bless me this night, O God,
and those whom I know and love.
Bless me this night, O God,
and those with whom I am not at peace.
Bless me this night, O God,
and every human family.
Bless us with deep sleep.
Bless us with dreams that will heal our souls.
Bless us with the night's silent messages of eternity
that we may be set free by love.
Bless us in the night, O God,
that we may be set free to love.

~~~

In sleep may my body be rested.
In sleep may my soul be renewed.
In sleep may my dreams be carriers of truth
borne by the night's visiting angels.
In sleep may I know you in love, O God,
in sleep may I be known by you,
the Lover of every living soul this night,
the Lover of my ever living soul.

Daily 5 - Day 335

Today was not a banner day.  I was in tears at least 5 separate times.  It was just one of those "life kind of stinks right now as I'm working through some stuff that will ultimately be good but hurts like crap at the moment" kind of days.

But, here are a few things that made me smile, or that I'm thankful for.  Today's Daily 5:

1. 335 days of making these lists
2. a moment tonight at house church where someone made an innocent but unfortunate comment in that it was easily twisted, and about six of us in the room simultaneously heard the twisted version, caught each other's eyes and dissolved into laughter
3. the giggles of a baby (also at house church)
4. hugs from a couple of friends
5. fresh French bread and spinach dip
6. understanding emails and praying friends

Between the Eyes

Clearly, choosing to love (whether I want to or not) is going to be the theme today.

I kind of knew that, based on the dreams I'd had, and the actions that seem likely and necessary stemming from them, before I ever opened my eyes this morning, but, just in case I needed some convincing, there were several things waiting for me in my email inbox.

Things like this quote from a daily email written by Richard Rohr:

"...love is not a feeling, but a decision, yet a decision that increases our inner freedom each time we do it.  You will know this only after you act on love. Jesus didn't say when you get healed, love; when you grow up, love; when you get it together and have dealt with all your wounds, then love. No, the commandment for all of us is quite simply, “Love!” Once we know it is not a feeling, but a grace empowered decision, we can all do it. And each time it is a growth in freedom—and flow."

And this quote from here that my friend Jenny posted on her blog this morning.  The first thing I read, after opening my eyes and noticing the email that she had a new post:

"You climb from winding sheets into the opening day. Gently, Love asks to occupy the throne of your heart—the very seat of motivation. The request is so familiar that you risk contempt, forgetting how your world grows rich when Love reigns supreme. As if on cue, Fear counters the offer. Spilling worry like filth from a foul pail, this usurper exchanges timidity for hope and urgency for peace. These bitter enemies meet daily to see whom you place upon your seat of motivation. For this seat fashions the essence of every thought and every action. You decide between Love and Fear when choosing who will rest upon your seat of motivation. Tomorrow will be decided early—as you climb from winding sheets."

And then I realized that my own words were bound to convict me, too.   I'd forgotten what post I'd scheduled to go live today.  Clearly God has a sense of humor.  I can just see Him giggling, knowing what would come within this week, as I wrote that post on Monday night.

I really do want to be well.  It's a sentence I say with an ever growing conviction.

It's also a sentence I'm saying this morning with the following add on.  I want to be well.  Even when it means loving by choice, when it's hard, when fear must be battled, knowing that it will likely hurt.

The theme is hitting me between the eyes today.

Love is a choice.  One with a cost.  And one so necessary to make today.

Be Well

I read this post that Allie, Dearest wrote the other day.  Her thoughts on being broken struck me, and drew to mind an ongoing conversation I've had the last few years with a dear friend.

We've been talking for a couple of years now about the passage where Jesus heals the lame man lying beside the pool.

Jesus asks a question of this man that is rather confusing and even haunting, "Do you want to be well?"

Seems like a crazy question, doesn't it?  The man has been laying by the pool for decades, never quite able to make it to the waters when they are stirred and miracles are possible.  Clearly he's after healing if he's spent so much time there, isn't he?

I think about that question sometimes when I consider my own life.  I think about how much time I spend hovering around the edges of "being well."  I think about how sometimes, even though it's miserable, broken seems a like better option.  It's familiar. Safe even.  How I can talk about wanting healing, but I'm sure not making any steps towards it.  Even when it's an open door in front of me.

I have a friend who was with me the night I was healed from depression.  He'd been around through some of the worst of it, and was patient.  I'm thankful that he was there that night.  For probably two years I'd been griping about my misery and fear and depression as he drove me home from various church events.  For two years he'd been quietly asking if he could pray for and with me, inviting me to come before God with him.  For two years I let fear rule the day.  "You can pray, but I'm not going to.  You can pray, but I'm going into the house now.  No, we're not praying tonight."  The night I was healed the desperation caught up to me, and even though I was scared of God, I was more afraid of continuing the miserable, hopeless and meaningless existence that I'd been inhabiting.  My friend was with me when I went from saying "I want to be well" to really and truly meaning it deep within me, and God met us in that place and healed my heart in ways that still leave me speechless, nearly five years later.

I've thought of that question of Jesus quite a lot again lately, as the ongoing conversation around that question has continued.  As I have had to be in the place of lifting my aching heart towards Jesus and really considering, "do I want to be well?"  Will I trust Jesus again with the process of healing, however it looks this time, whatever the results?  Do I trust Jesus with all of the others around me who are also broken, who I also want to be well?  Do I trust that he's big enough for all of that?

I've come over and over again to the conclusion that I really do want to be well.  And that I want that - physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, for so many others as well.  And that this is a question I will most likely be pondering and finding new depths to for the rest of my life.

"Do you want to be well?"

Daily 5 - Day 334

Today's Daily 5:

1. another day where things actually came off the list, instead of being added
2. major accomplishment tonight (in my mind at least) - I finished making a set of flashcards for a list of 60 or so muscles that I need to memorize a great deal of information about in a short period of time.  those flashcards were a time consuming task, and I was so delighted when I laid down the pen and was able to declare them complete.
3. I did some housework at mom and dad's today - weeding and washing a couple of windows.  Both of these tasks are actually quite amusing given my internal landscape lately, and the very thought of doing those acts today makes me chuckle
4. took the bus home tonight, and it was on time.
5. having time to catch up on reading and blog reading today.

Start with "He Loves Me"

In keeping with yesterday's post, I have another link, this time to a cartoon from NakedPastor.

It struck me deeply when I saw it first.  Largely because the last several days have been filled with the constant thematic reminder of God's deep love, for me, for his people, for the church, for the nations.  My heart has been full as I realize all of this again.

Not full in a way where that love makes the problems, the agonies disappear, but full in the way, that, like the "prayer from the cell" that I linked to yesterday, the reminder of the layers upon layers of His love is somehow enough to bring rest.

I will never forget, somewhere midway through the seven long years I suffered from severe depression, writing a dear friend, also not from a particularly experiential circle of Christianity if she knew, really knew that God loved her, deep inside her, not just in a head knowledge sort of way.  Her answer ("yes") surprised me, and spurred a quest of sorts.  I had honestly believed that God's wasn't something that could truly be felt or experienced, and then I'd met people who said it could, spurring the question I asked my friend.

In the intervening years I have come to know that love in immense ways, in startling ways, in healing ways.  I knew it first in the patience of friends who walked with me through depression, and then in that sudden and unexpected moment of healing.  I've known it as I've journeyed through the nearly five years since that moment of healing, through loss of deep relationships, through shattered dreams, through moments of great joy and answered prayer.  It has been a constant, an intangible constant, and somehow, that deep, constant truth, however hard it is at times to cling to, is enough.

And the cartoon?  "Start with, 'He loves me'" is an image that rings in my heart right now.  An only option.  A gentle direction.  A whispered shout.  It moved me deeply, as it played up against the themes building and playing through my waking life, and my nightly dreams this week, and I'm grateful for it.

Daily 5 - Day 333

Today's Daily 5 (intro to the daily 5 concept here):

1. the mingled smells of leftover campfire and fresh, rain cleansed air this morning as I walked to the bus
2. missing the bus I'd planned to take because it came early, but not needing to stress out about it, because this week is going more on schedule than last week
3. fruit smoothies - my parents have this crazy superpowerful blender called a Vitamix, and most mornings mom throws a variety of whole fruit in there, turns it on, and produces healthy and tasty concoctions that go quite wonderfully with whatever I am having for breakfast
4. I had a cup of pomegranate green tea this morning because it was cold and damp here today.  I haven't had a cup of tea in a couple of weeks, and it was wonderful to sip at while I made anatomy notes
5. had a job interview today.  I likely won't accept the position if it is offered, as, for the moment, it's looking like school needs to be my "job" until the end of the summer, and this particular job pays rather poorly anyway, but it was fun to dust off "professional Lisa" for a couple hours.
6. On the other hand, it was absolutely brilliant to arrive back at mom and dad's after the interview and put my jeans and hoodie back on.
7. had kind of an emotionally trying evening and mom invited me to spend the night
8. took advantage of spending the night at mom and dad's and relaxed with a novel in a hot bath, with a cup of rooibos tea.  apparently this was my day for tea.  long baths (or baths of any sort really, other than quick showers) aren't really a possibility at Grandma's so it's nice to take advantage of that at mom and dad's once in a while.
9. got a treatment from mom, too, which definitely helped with the need to just relax a bit.
10. thankful just for family - no questions tonight, just lots of love.

Silences and Scheduled Posts

I'm feeling less spontaneous in my writing these days.  Less like sharing every single thing that crosses my heart and mind.  I've been walking in some odd, deep, (scary, wonderful) places this last while, and they're not things that I can fully put words around.

And, I'm finding that I want to spend less time with my laptop open in front of me.  I sit in front of it for school, and I generally leave my email open when I'm nearby and home in the evenings, but in those inbetween times, on weekends or evenings, or when I'm out and about, I'm wanting to wonder less about what's going on in my online world.  I'm needing to rest from blogging and facebooking and twittering, and emailing, and I'm mostly doing it on weekends.

That means that I'm not showing up here three times a day or so the way I was before I lost my job.  It means that on a weekend the only post you might see on a day is the daily 5.

And, because I'm wanting to pause and be more contemplative in what I write, it means that for the first time ever, (other than when I've been traveling), I'm consistently scheduling posts.  I did that last night for the rest of the week.  There's something different that I wanted to share with you for each weekday morning.  And, I'm pleased with the posts, because, while they do contain links to other places, I had the time to sit and share my heart a bit, to tell stories and explain why those particular links are catching at me, how they're part of larger themes that God is building in my life.

So, you can expect posts on a regular basis still, but they may not be all that spontaneous.  I've been thinking more about writing lately, and feeling the need to craft it with care, not just spew whatever thoughts spring to the surface.  And, to be honest, in the midst of this new season, of studying hours and hours a day, and of working through internal woundings and walking and talking with various friends, I'm feeling the need to be careful in my word choices, to treasure some things within me until they really take root.

The daily 5 isn't changing, and neither is the fact that I love this blog and I'll be here regularly.  I'm just needing to share that the way I'm choosing to write here is changing too, as my heart changes and grows and is shaped by the various seasons of life.

Promises

It's been a while since I linked to one of NakedPastor's cartoons or blog posts, but Sunday's "Prayer From the Cell" was too good not to link.

Layers upon layers of promises.  This is enough.  May that be something that I am continually reminded of, and able to rest in, in the driest and hardest moments as well as in the moments filled with sunshine and laughter and joy.

Daily 5 - Day 332

Today's Daily 5 (for the introduction to the daily 5, click here):

1. starting the morning slowly
2. dreams that need prayer and pondering
3. a friendly and helpful government EI agent on the phone this morning
4. Mom called downstairs around 1:00 and said "I'm making you lunch, okay?"  so lovely to not only be mooching food, but have the treat of having a plate of food prepared for me
5. birds singing after a thunderstorm this afternoon
6. laughing as I pondered the singing birds and remembered a childhood song "worms after the rain - I guess they just love rainbows... I love each one of those sweet little worms after the rain..."
7. I finished reading another lovely book "Digging In" by Robert Benson this evening
8. I actually marked off everything on my list for the day - personal stuff and school stuff
9. listening to rain hitting the ground outside the window above my desk, and thunder in the background
10. a yoga workout and nice long shower
11. An evening with nothing on the schedule but reading, writing, prayer, and rest
12. rhythms and routines
13. brightly colored pens
14. talking about dreams
15. pondering memories and the way God works as I worked on some upcoming blog posts

Loved these...

I really want this and this.  How cool is that?  a daily, weekly etc. checklist for self-care.  and a deck of cards with the same sort of idea.  Things to brighten the day.  When I have income again, I'm totally going to order at least one, if not both of these.  And, for the list, read the blurb about how she came up with it.  So similar in concept to the reason I make a daily 5 list every day.

And, I totally identified with Susan in this post.  A couple years back, a dear friend of mine gave me some homework.  The job was to make a list of 25 things I loved about myself.  It took me nearly 10 months, and I finally finished it in part because she told me that every birthday that passed before I gave her the list would add an item to the list, and I was already finding it extremely difficult and couldn't imagine having to add extras to my list.  In any case, I loved what Susan had to say, and I loved the thing she likes about herself.  I think it's really cool when we get to see tangible growth in ourselves, since it's so often so intangible, and that's what Susan's words made me think of tonight.

Daily 5 - Day 331

Today's Daily 5:

1. Hearing my brother lead worship at church this morning
2. Listening to my sister-in-law preach her first ever sermon
3. playing "Trouble" at a family event tonight with a couple of my cousins
4. home made black-forest birthday cake
5. falling asleep on the couch during the world cup final game... so nice to take a brief Sunday afternoon nap

Daily 5 - Day 330

Today's Daily 5:

1. mini donuts (Stampede treat... so good...)
2. hanging out at the Stampede with mom.
3. spending the night tonight at mom and dad's
4. fresh, clean, drinking water
5. laughter

Pacifist

I did another quiz recently.  Apparently my coffee shop food and beverage choices indicate that I'm a pacifist.  The results made me chuckle, and I thought I'd share.  Let me know what your results are!

You Are a Pacifist

You seek peace in all aspects of your life. You get stressed out easily and have to avoid noise of all sorts. You are happiest when things are quiet, calm, and mellow. What other people find boring you find enriching. You are together and quite successful. You know how to excel in every aspect of your life. People envy your style and grace. They don't see all the hard work behind what you do.

The Coffee Shop Test

Blogthings: A Fine Line Between Insight and Stupidity

Daily 5 - Day 330

Today's Daily 5:

1. 330 days of daily 5 lists
2. getting back another stats assignment with a grade of 95%.  What you need to understand is that the last time I got a grade like that in math, I was probably 6 years old and just learning to add and subtract.  I barely scraped through math in high school with a grade that would get me admitted to university, and that grade was a blessing, since the year I wrote the diploma exam, the math one was being tested, for new curriculum, and was only worth 20% of our grade instead of the usual 50%.  So, to get a grade like the 88% I got back yesterday and the 95% I got back today really shocked me and encouraged me and gave me hope.  I've been absolutely slogging through stats this week, and wasn't at all confident in the work I was doing on these assignments, and to get those grades felt like such a gift and confirmation of this crazy path I'm pursuing these days.
3. managing to focus and study for probably close to nine hours today.  I really needed to feel well enough to put a day like that in, and I haven't all week, so it was a blessing to do so today.
4. a couple of really good chats in the last few days with a very dear friend
5. taking the evening (after about 8:00) off to just do nothing, putter online, etc.  Not bringing homework home with me tonight.
6. fresh cherries
7. peanut m&m's
8. 10 minute yoga for a third day in a row
9. finishing a third stats assignment today as well
10. walking home to grandma's after mom dropped me at the office supply store to get another assignment scanned.  After all those hours of studying, it was nice to just be outside (after the heat had dissipated a bit) and get a bit of exercise.

Learning

To be honest, at the moment, I'm a bit stressed out.  Everything has taken longer than planned this week, and, though I've built a bit of leeway into my study schedule for the summer, there's not a lot, and I'm probably two full days of studying behind where I'd like to be at this point.  I'm reminding myself, too, that some of the things I've given time to this week, some social things, were absolutely necessary.

It's easy to look at my schedule for the week and think, "I 'wasted' time with that coffee date, or seeing so and so."  But the time wasn't wasted.  It was time that fed my soul.  And that is so necessary as well.

It's just not easy to remember that I matter too, not just the self-imposed deadlines.

It's also a lesson to remember to check not just my social calendar, but my school calendar for the upcoming week or weeks before I schedule social engagements.  To work on balancing those out so that I don't have several social engagements in the midst of a painfully busy week.

I'm learning.  About myself, and how I handle stress.  About my moods and motivations and discipline.

And about anatomy and statistics too.

Daily 5 - Day 329

Today's Daily 5:

1. a very accomodating and helpful clerk at Office Depot this afternoon when I went to scan an assignment to pdf format for submission
2. Submitting said statistics assignment, getting it back, and getting a grade that made me smile in a very big way.  Mostly because I taught myself the material, and that assignment took me probably 4-6 hours of hard work, figuring out each example very carefully, and to get a grade of that caliber was always rare for me in math anyway, and to get it after teaching myself the material made me ecstatic.
3. went to house church tonight - we didn't meet last week, so it's been a couple weeks, and it was lovely to be together again.
4. encouraging words from friends
5. after house church the friend who is my ride home most weeks generously consented to my request for some help with a stats assignment (she's an accountant) and we stopped at a coffee shop, split two different flavors of cookies and did math.  More importantly, with her help we were able to solve the problem that had seriously stumped me, meaning I have another assignment ready for submission tomorrow.

The Bane of Household Chores

I meant to write this post on Monday, but things got a little busy.

One of the conditions of my current daily ensconcement at mom and dad's to study is that I help out around the house as needed.

For the first time in years, I have scheduled weekly chores.  The major one on this list is vacuuming.  Each and every Monday I vacuum the main floor of the house.  It's done on Mondays because Mom doesn't have clients on Mondays, and uses that day to clean up the house so that it's tidy when her clients show up for the remainder of the week.

I hate vacuuming. 

I hated it when I was 15 and it was the chore that rotated to me once every 3 weeks, and I hate it now.

It's awkward, time consuming, and nit-picky.  In mom and dad's house you have to move furniture, watch out for walls and corners and baseboards, and shake out and move area rugs.  I always end up hot and sweaty, and generally count it as my exercise for the day.

I have some strong opinions on the subject.

First, the whole main floor is either hardwood or tile.  Why are we still vacuuming?  Sweeping is so much less annoying a task.  Even mopping is preferable.

Second, if you're going to have a vacuum, and insist on using it to clean the hardwood in the nicely (and relatively recently) renovated main floor of the house, and you're concerned about said vacuum bumping into walls and corners and nicking the paint, why is said vacuum a canister vac on wheels with a long house trailing from the front, and a long power cord trailing from the back?  A device that is completely unable to be effectively maneuvered.  If one really must vacuum (anything really, but especially a particularly sensitive, newly renovated environment), then I'm telling you, an upright vacuum where I control everything except the power cord is the way to go.

My mom was shocked when she discovered that I hate vacuuming.  I didn't tell her initially.  She sort of stumbled upon the news.  Her words were, "but wouldn't you rather vacuum than clean a bathroom?"  No.  I'd rather scrub toilets.  Really.

Vacuuming, you see, is the bane of household chores in my opinion.

What household chore is the one you find particularly detestable?

Daily 5 - Day 328

Today's Daily 5:

1. Meeting a friend in person for the first time.
2. Hours and hours of wonderful conversation with two different friends over two different "coffee" dates today.
3. The kinds of conversations that feed soul, not just mind
4. A fantastic cup of Roman Provence Rooibos tea from Higher Ground coffee shop - seriously folks, I've had that particular strain of rooibos before, but this was the best cup of tea I've had in ages.
5. sitting in the sun, talking, praying, laughing
6. got a ten minute yoga workout in - it's amazing to me that I can move my neck and shoulders without pain.  I have horrendous bruises (that I admittedly showed to everyone I met today, simply because they amuse me greatly) from last night's cupping experience, but dang if it didn't really and truly loosen up muscles that my health care guy declared to have "knots on top of knots" only yesterday.
7. totally wasn't a day that was as productive as I would have preferred for studying, but there was much to feed my soul instead, and I'm going to choose to celebrate that and not worry about the longer days and time I'll need to put in on the weekend.
8. laughter
9. new friends - both of those I had coffee with are relatively new, and are relationships that I am encountering God's blessing in
10. getting out a little bit - in some ways I'm feeling a bit these days like my world has shrunk.  I spend most of my time buried in textbooks, I'm not killing hours sitting in front of a computer with little to do and I thus forget to check news headlines for days at a time, and I can go days or a week without seeing anyone except my family.  Days like today where I got out to go for coffee, and where I do a few errands with whichever parent is heading out that day, are a blessing right now for my slightly shrunken world.

New Experience. Bruised.

Last night I had an appointment with my natural health practitioner.  I'd been looking forward to this appointment as I had several questions for him, and I was even more relieved for the appointment to arrive because I've been fighting with some severely sore muscles and bad headaches for the last couple of days and knew enough to know that he would probably be able to relieve some of the symptoms.

This was a new one, though.  The muscles were so tight that he declared that "cupping" was the only thing that was going to quickly and effectively loosen the knots, giving me me relief.  (By the way, there was no bloodletting - which the article I linked to mentions!)

It worked, but let me tell you, you should see my back and shoulders.  They're much looser, and I have large, perfectly round bright reddish purple bruises where the cups were.  Ugly, big bruises.  Apparently this is from the release of toxins.  It wasn't all that painful, except for one, and even that was more of a growing pulling pressure than really pain.  But, let me tell you, I won't be wearing a bikini (or bathing suit of any kind really) or a low backed top, or really anything in which you can see the back of me anytime soon!

Daily 5 - Day 327

Today's Daily 5:

1. Pork and mango pitas for supper.  One of my favorite recipes, and one I've converted my parents to as well.  I cook it probably once every month or so at their house it seems.
2. The excitement and love in the eyes of a little boy in the window of a daycare I walked past this morning as he waved goodbye to his mom from the window.  Particularly fabulous was watching his face and realizing the moment when he suddenly knew for certain that she had seen him, and blew her a kiss.
3. The joy in the face of a little girl I saw peering through the window of her front door, staring at all the traffic and busyness on the street outside her house.
4. Thankful for buses that for the most part run on time
5. Mom often makes fruit smoothies in the morning as part of her breakfast, and when I'm there in the mornings (which is most days just currently), that means I benefit from the smoothie too.
6. Toast with peanut butter where the warmth of the toast has melted the peanut butter to an almost liquidy, ooey, gooey, goodness.
7. natural health treatment tonight that relieved some muscle problems I've had the last several days.
8. taking a short break this afternoon in the midst of a whole lot of stats to do a 10 minute yoga video and take a hot shower.
9. the sense of accomplishment in getting nearly (one question left that I need some help with) all the way through 2 stats assignments today.
10. making a random trip with my dad this morning to the fly fishing equipment outfitter he uses.  Just spending time with him.

Tuesday

Is it bad that it's only Tuesday and I'm already feeling a bit panicked about the way that the week is shaping up?

This is an incredibly busy week, and I absolutely, positively MUST accomplish the things on my list.  And there is a lot of stuff (mostly school work) on my list.  This is the first week that assignments can be submitted, quizzes written, and tests scheduled, and I've got some of all three on my list.

But it's going slower than I'd hoped.  Yesterday wasn't as productive as I would have liked (though it was productive) because I wasn't feeling well - I was busy fighting with a headache and aching muscles all day.  Today, well, a stats assignment that I'd hoped would take a couple of hours has taken most of the day.  I'm confident in the answers I've arrived at for the assignment, but it was time consuming.  Other than ten minutes of yoga, a few emails, a shower, and a brief lunch break, it's all I've done today.

You can imagine what kind of a good mood all those hours of math (with more to come - there are more assignments left to do!) has left me in.

Tomorrow is going to be a bit crazy.  Coffee with a friend from out of town will fill part of my morning.  And coffee with a different friend in the evening removes those hours from my day as well.

It's looking like it's going to be the kind of week where the weekend holds quite a lot of homework as well.  Ah, well.  Here's hoping that the hours left today, the hours I fit in tomorrow, and the hours of Thursday and Friday are highly productive.  Perhaps I won't have to cram too much into the weekend.  At least I'm hoping not anyway.

Daily 5 - Day 326

Today's Daily 5:

1. reviewing anatomy while laying in a bubble bath in mom and dad's big soaker tub - how fun is it that my study "office" comes with those kind of perks.  Mom and Dad were both out all day today, thus no clients of mom's coming and going, meaning I could use the big upstairs bathroom and do homework in the tub.
2. Having the whole day of quiet time, in a house that doesn't have all sorts of issues
3. managing to finish nearly everything on what was an admittedly rather long list for the day
4. working in little chunks - taking breaks here and there
5. the satisfaction that comes from planning my week, and then managing to take chunks out of my list early in the week.

List Making

It's Monday morning and I am getting a slightly later start to the day and week than I'd hoped.  Rest, however, seems to be essential, and I took the time to start moving pretty slowly this morning.  I'm feeling the affects of spending large chunks of the weekend out in the sun (doesn't matter how much water I drink, I always seem to end up with a headache after a couple of days of sun), and a couple of days of hauling bricks while helping to lay a paving stone driveway and sidewalk at mom and dad's.

My clothes are filthy, and all in the laundry (I stayed at mom and dad's all weekend again) and so I'm sitting here in my pajamas, writing a blog post, and making the lists that will govern my week.

Lists that include all the homework for the week, all the chores that must be done that I know of, and the various and sundry other must be done's as well.  I get a ridiculous amount of satisfaction out of making lists.  And an even greater satisfaction out of marking things off my lists.  So, I'm starting my Monday slightly later, but with list making.  Seems a good way to begin another week.

Daily 5 - Day 325

Today's Daily 5:

1. 325 days of making daily 5 lists.
2. lots of fun with my family working on a big landscaping project at mom and dad's house this weekend
3. sleeping at mom and dad's for a couple nights again, and not waking up at the systematically regular and specific hours I wake at grandma's.
4. laughter
5. weekend days that are mostly "unplugged" - not hours in front of a computer screen.  no obligation, just checking email on my iphone several times a day (and on my laptop at night) to make sure nothing urgent has arisen.  the rest can usually wait for Monday to be sorted through.

Beautiful Waves

It's been a while since I posted one of these quizzes here, but this one was somewhat irresistible.  A dear friend and I have been talking about waves literally and metaphorically for at least two years now.  It's one of our favorite symbols, or at least one of the ones most talked about between us.  When I saw a quiz titled "What kind of waves do you make?" pop up this morning, I had to take it, and the results made me smile and maybe even giggle a little.

You Make Beautiful Waves

Life would be boring if you just sat back and watched it unfold. You like to make things happen, but in a very ordered and interesting way. You don't really like chaos. You tend to plan throughly and execute your plans well. You are very creative, eloquent, and expressive. You know how to accomplish great things, even if you're just playing around.

The Waves Test

Blogthings: We'll Tell You The Truth... Someone Has To!

Daily 5 - Day 324

Today's Daily 5:

1. Mom picked me up from grandma's this morning - this was excellent, since I wasn't at mom and dad's yesterday, and had hauled my enormous anatomy textbook home with me on Thursday night.  It was nice to not have to haul that on the bus this morning.
2. Just hanging out, helping with a number of projects that are going on at Mom and Dad's this weekend
3. Sitting outside for large portions of the day
4. more good moments with my brother J.
5. sleeping over at mom and dad's tonight - makes tomorrow, when I need to be here all day for a variety of commitments so much easier.

Don't Tell Jamie Oliver

Nineteen times out of twenty, I'm devoted to the cause.  I think real people should cook real food.  Healthy food, made from real ingredients and not processed crap.  I definitely think people should be able to identify the difference between a potato and a tomato.  I eat real food, that I've generally prepared myself.  These days I'm even learning a bit about cutting back on or eliminating some of the white sugar and white flour in things.  I'm on board with the "Food Revolution"

But the twentieth time?  That time I just want Macdonalds.  And not one of their new salad options either.  I want a cheeseburger (no mustard, no onions, no pickles), and chicken mcnuggets, and french fries.  Preferably all consumed in the same artery clogging meal.  I still want chicken mcnuggets even after Jamie demonstrated how they're made and what they're made of last year on "The Food Revolution."

I had Macdonalds last night.  The very meal described above.  It motivated me all afternoon as I trekked across the city on foot and by transit, crossing errands off my list of things to do.  I plotted what I would order, and thought about how much I was going to enjoy it.  And I didn't even feel guilty about it (well, maybe a little guilty, but it was totally guilty pleasure!)

Today, I'll be back on the wagon.

Please don't tell Jamie.

(and, by the way, if you haven't watched Jamie's TED prize talk, you need to.  It's linked up above where I mention that I think it's important for kids to be able to identify vegetables correctly.)

Daily 5 - Day 323

Last night was pretty rough.  Some odd dream/vision things that meant that sleep was fleeting.  Various things heavy on my heart through the night mean I did a lot of praying and pushing through some stuff, and not a lot of sleeping.  Around 4:30 this morning I took an extra dose of the supplement I take to aid with sleep, and somehow managed to mostly sleep for about the next 4 hours or so.

I wrote to a dear friend, describing the night I'd had, and commenting that I was having a pretty slow morning because of it, and she wrote back, saying among other things that she hoped I'd find some interesting reasons to smile today.  When I finally managed to propel myself out of bed (which I think was sometime around noon - I did a lot of email/blog/internet stuff from a horizontal pose this morning!), I set out to do just that - find some interesting (to me at least!) reasons to smile.

And thus, here's today's daily 5:

1. not having major plans, thus allowing for a very much needed slow morning in bed after a rough night
2. compensating for my cold bedroom this evening by lighting tons of candles all around the room and enjoying their glow, and the warmth they're adding to the chilly air
3. solo zoo trip
4. the baby gorilla - and, I learned a new fact: gorillas nurse their babies for 3-5 years.
5. the colobus monkeys were really funny to watch today
6. It takes me between 27 and 35 steps to walk the length of a blue whale.
7. finished some reading for a Christian leadership course I'm taking (besides the school stuff) while I was on the bus.  it was nice to get this out of the way a day or two before it actually has to be done.
8. I revisited one of my favorite quotes, painted on the wall as you exit the rainforest exhibit where the gorillas are.  "Like water, be gentle and strong.  Be gentle enough to follow the natural paths of the earth, and strong enough to rise up and reshape the world." (Brenda Peterson)  It always reminds me of Jesus being called living water, and expresses rather nicely how I'd like to live - gentle and strong.
9. I made a rare visit to the downtown, central library branch, and spent a bit of time hunting for some books I had in mind.  It's more fun, somehow, when the books take up several floors.
10. The library had the entire series of three novels that I was looking to read soon in stock today.
11. I picked up a few books with various walking tours around the city.
12. I made it to the mall, and managed to get a whole list of errands out of the way.
13. I spent some very enjoyable time plotting the junk food supper I was going to treat myself to.
14. I walked, a lot, today.
15. knowing that my schedule was totally flexible, and it didn't matter in the grand scheme of things if the bus was 10 minutes or more late (which at least one was)
16. having junk food for supper (more on that tomorrow!)
17. thinking about all of the things I was doing as I did them, and keeping a mental running list of "interesting reasons to smile"
18. clean drinking water - there's something about this that just never gets old for me, especially since water is my beverage of choice.  I suppose I think too, about the many, many people who can't have it, and that makes it even more amazing to me.
19. the male peacocks at the zoo were displaying their feathers in full force today.  Since I usually go in winter, I don't see that often, and it really is a beautiful sight.
20. giggling just thinking about the giant anteater (one of my favorites, after the gorilla).  I didn't see it today, but just stopping to think about it really did make me smile outwardly and giggle inwardly.
21. a ten minute yoga video this morning (in retrospect, with all the walking I did today, the exercise was totally unnecessary, but it was a nice way to wake up when I did finally crawl out of bed)