- Managed to actually accomplish a couple of "scheduled" day to day reality of life things
- Hung out with the family, moving T & L into their new place and cleaning L's old place
- Chinese take-out for dinner courtesy of T & L
- Got a long walk in this morning
- another night of sleeping actually fairly well...
- housesitting, and thus, between family stuff and that, not being at Grandma's right now
- laughing with one of my cousins over a particular mannerism of our Grandma
Monday, May 31, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 291
Today's Daily 5:
Holy Tears
It seemed appropriate to share these thoughts (formulated a little for American Memorial Day today) from Richard Rohr that arrived in my inbox this morning. Especially given my teary experience at church yesterday.
~~~
As a young novice I only complained to my novice master once. We had to read a different life of St. Francis every month. I could not understand why St. Francis was crying all the time. He even invited Clare to visit and they spent the entire time crying “holy tears.” As a young nineteen-year-old male, this made no sense to me. Back in 1961 my novice master said to me, “you won’t understand it now, Richard, but you’ll understand it later.”
And now I do understand it. Tears can be a gift of the Holy Spirit. At the point when you can’t achieve the game of perfection, all you can do is offer to God who you are today, warts and all. Your willingness to offer your imperfect gift, knowing it will be totally received, brings you to tears—“holy tears.” There are many gifts of tears, however; sometimes you just cry for the pain and suffering of others, even though you yourself are not suffering at all. I am sure most of you have experienced such holy tears, maybe even today when we remember the many who have died so young, so alone, and sometimes so needlessly.
(Richard Rohr)
~~~
As a young novice I only complained to my novice master once. We had to read a different life of St. Francis every month. I could not understand why St. Francis was crying all the time. He even invited Clare to visit and they spent the entire time crying “holy tears.” As a young nineteen-year-old male, this made no sense to me. Back in 1961 my novice master said to me, “you won’t understand it now, Richard, but you’ll understand it later.”
And now I do understand it. Tears can be a gift of the Holy Spirit. At the point when you can’t achieve the game of perfection, all you can do is offer to God who you are today, warts and all. Your willingness to offer your imperfect gift, knowing it will be totally received, brings you to tears—“holy tears.” There are many gifts of tears, however; sometimes you just cry for the pain and suffering of others, even though you yourself are not suffering at all. I am sure most of you have experienced such holy tears, maybe even today when we remember the many who have died so young, so alone, and sometimes so needlessly.
(Richard Rohr)
Daily 5 - Day 290
Today's Daily 5:
- slept relatively peacefully last night
- tears in church
- more emails from a dear friend
- "you give and take away"
- time with family
Sunday, May 30, 2010
You Give and Take Away
I cried during worship at my dad's church this morning. I don't think that has ever happened before. I'm not actually sure I've ever cried during a worship service. You have to understand that tears don't flow easily for me, even now, all these years removed from depression.
But this morning I cried.
This processing the loss of my job is a weird thing.
Yes, I see it as a blessing. Yes, it also sucks.
But this morning, I cried.
The line that got me was one from a Matt Redman song that has long been one of my favorites. It's a song I fell in love with during depression. A song that somehow echoed the cry of my heart in those times. The cry that said, "even in these really dark spaces you, Jesus, are still worthy to be praised." It's a cry that is resonating deeply right now.
But the lyric that drew tears this morning was this:
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name
Because when I started this job, it was very much a gift from God. And somehow, the ending of it is also very much in the timing of God. And that is not always easy to reconcile.
And so I stood this morning as my brother led worship, and tried to sing, and settled for simply raising my hands and closing my eyes as tears came.
(Ironicly, if this had been a charismatic church that repeats a song a number of times as God moves through it, I'd have been in big trouble. I'm fairly certain I would have moved from quiet tears, subtly swiped away as the song ended, to full out sobs, less easy to keep out of the line of view of those around me.)
You give and take away, and still, your name is blessed.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 289
Today's Daily 5:
- The scent of frankincense and myrrh
- The glow of a candle
- An unexpected peace
- spent the day at mom and dad's, did laundry, mooched a wonderful lasagna supper.
- some challenging emails and wise advice from a dear friend as I worked through a challenge I'm facing today/tonight in particular
Daily 5 - Day 279 - 288
Can I be honest? I didn't keep daily 5 lists for the last 10 days or so. At least not on paper or here on the blog. I did sort of store them in my head and heart a bit, I guess.
I didn't actually do almost any of the things that were sort of part of the routine of my life. Suddenly and unexpectedly losing your job, and then taking off on a very unplanned (on my part - my dad had planned for it, I guess) road trip across the continent sort of have that effect on routine. And, I spent a lot of time in a car and/or sleeping.
But I have a list, a longish one, formulating in my head of the things that made me smile over the course of the time away, and I thought I'd give a shot to jotting it down here, and just consider that the "daily 5" for days 279 through 288.
We'll see how this rhythm pans out in the coming days... it's important to me to make these lists, but seems hard to focus on getting back into it. It feels like the sort of thing that seems lost in uncertainty at the moment. In the meantime, here's the longish list I was alluding to:
I didn't actually do almost any of the things that were sort of part of the routine of my life. Suddenly and unexpectedly losing your job, and then taking off on a very unplanned (on my part - my dad had planned for it, I guess) road trip across the continent sort of have that effect on routine. And, I spent a lot of time in a car and/or sleeping.
But I have a list, a longish one, formulating in my head of the things that made me smile over the course of the time away, and I thought I'd give a shot to jotting it down here, and just consider that the "daily 5" for days 279 through 288.
We'll see how this rhythm pans out in the coming days... it's important to me to make these lists, but seems hard to focus on getting back into it. It feels like the sort of thing that seems lost in uncertainty at the moment. In the meantime, here's the longish list I was alluding to:
- A corn dog at the gas station in Claresholm on our first day of traveling. Seems a weird thing, but I've always kind of enjoyed corn dogs, and they're a maybe once annually treat, so it was fun to have one on the very first day of driving.
- A smooth border crossing. Crossing into the states can be hit and miss. My dad says his all time worst border crossing ever (and he's travelled in Africa, South America, and Eastern Europe) was at the particular port of entry we were using. However, this day, the guard was friendly and joking with us.
- The occasional chances I had to check email and finding encouraging notes and blog comments from friends near and far
- The burger at Wendy's that was almost vegetarian. The lady working that night didn't usually work the evening shift and was really frazzled. She managed to get my order mostly right, but forgot to put the hamburger patty on the bun! It necessitated a quick trip back inside to get my meal rectified before we headed out.
- Unexpected adventures - we spent one night sleeping in the SUV at a rest stop in the middle of nowhere Montana. Mostly because when we arrived very late at the town we'd been heading for, we discovered there was a high school athletic event in town and every hotel was full.
- Applebee's salads. Also, Applebee's in general is way cheaper in the states.
- Visiting over lunch with an aunt and uncle I hadn't seen in probably 8 years, and seeing my cousin (hadn't seen him in at least 10 years) and meeting his 4 year old daughter for the first time.
- Lot's of quiet on the road. Not much need to talk, not even to listen too much to audio books or music. Just lots of space with our thoughts.
- Sleeping in the car. I sleep quite well in a moving car. Not deeply, but relatively restfully, and I spent a good part of the first few days simply sleeping.
- Emily. Emily is my dad's new GPS. She's delightfully British and has a horribly one track mind that gets very confused by food and bathroom and gas stops. We talked to her kind of a lot - usually when we were stopping and it wasn't in her plans.
- The Chicago detour. We managed to arrive on the outskirts of Chicago just at rush hour on a Friday. Bad move. But Emily takes traffic into account, and took us on this crazy detour. We drove through a part of Chicago we'd definitely never seen before, and saw the most beautiful cemetery and mausoleum. Seriously, the architechture on this mausoleum was stunning.
- Finally getting to see "The Blindside"
- Celebrating T & L's wedding all over again with her family and friends from a different part of the country.
- Spending about a day and a half with a very dear friend, talking, praying, being with some of her friends.
- A hug from this particular friend. It was so good to be in her arms again.
- A very special gift of an antique Catholic prayer book, in Spanish. But also the deep love and knowledge of my heart that was demonstrated in the giving.
- reading a couple different books, beginning to end. (reading list to be updated in the coming days.)
- being distant/separate from the routines of life while I began to process the sudden loss of my job, and the changes of life it will bring.
- Another smooth border crossing back into the US. Seriously, they were really good this trip, and while I've never had a terribly bad experience, the guards are rarely as kind and joking and good natured as they were this trip.
- A slight detour to Grand Rapids and the Eerdmans publishing house bookstore. Oh. My. Goodness. Can you just say heaven for three people who love books as much as my dad and T and I? I think poor L wasn't quite sure what to do with us, to be honest. Basically it's a bookstore attached to the headquarters of Eerdmans publishing house (one of the large Christian publishers) that carries their titles, but also titles from a whole variety of other Christian publishers (i.e. Zondervan etc.) as well. Books in general are cheaper in the states than in Canada, but the best part about this particular store is that they sell the "seconds" the copies of their books that have slight damage to the cover or whatever, and can't be shipped out to their retailers. And they sell these "seconds" at vastly reduced prices (think around $5 a book for a book generally sold for $20.) I spent about $100 and bought somewhere around 15 books. According to my receipt, I saved about $107. Sweet! It's probably a good thing I don't live anywhere near there!
- Time with more family. We spent a night with an aunt and uncle and two cousins of mine in Wisconsin. Another aunt, and my grandpa and his wife all came to join us for supper. It had probably been 8-10 years since I'd seen my grandpa, and he's aging (86 now, I think) so it was good to see him, as well as the rest of our relatives who we see/talk to quite rarely.
- Wisconsin cheese. Yes, I'm lactose intolerant. Yes, I had a stomach ache the next day. But that cheese was just SO good. Seriously, we just don't get cheese like that in Western Canada without spending quite a lot of money at a specialty shop, so it's always a treat to be in Wisconsin.
- listening to "Velvet Elvis" and "The Voyage of the Dawn Treader" on audio book while we drove
- Almond Joy bars
- Laughing at my dad's excitement to share "Culver's Butter Burger" with us. (Culver's is a mid-Western hamburger chain that we don't have in Western Canada, and that my dad really likes.)
- Safe travels the whole way, though we did leave temperatures of about 30C in Ontario and arrive back in Alberta to snow and temperatures hovering just above 0C.
- A very much needed and affordable break in action as I began to absorb the changes that have overtaken my life, and the added bonus of getting to see a very dear friend.
- Laughing at T's grin last night when Mom and Dad and I gave them the wedding gift we'd purchased. It was a particular pot set that he'd been teasing L about getting for months, and we'd gone ahead and bought it. It was fun to see his face as they opened it together. It was fun, too, to take pictures and watch as they opened their wedding gifts last night and shared the process with her parents in Ontario via skype.
- Robert Benson. I don't think I've ever been disappointed by one of his books. I read another one (rather timely I might add) that I bought in Grand Rapids in the car on the way home. I'm sure it'll be showing up here on the blog in due course.
- Reading my first novel in nearly 2 years. It had been a while, for a variety of reasons, but this trip someone seemed the right moment to begin to gently and carefully ease some of those mostly self-imposed restrictions, and it was refreshing to do so.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 278
Today's Daily 5:
- Encouragement from a variety of friends
- Closing off the loose ends with my unexpected change of employment yesterday
- the support of my parents
- a treatment from Mom
- that it will work out for me to make a road trip for the next couple weeks.
Big Changes
I sent the following update email out to a number of friends tonight. As you'll read, I'm unexpectedly leaving town tomorrow for the next couple of weeks. It'll be quiet here, as I likely won't have internet access. I don't have time to schedule posts, and I will likely have to keep track of my daily 5 in a journal for a couple weeks. See you on the other side.
Hi Everyone!
I'm beginning to feel like my life has taken on some kind of crazy force of it's own, but I'm now facing another huge change.
I lost my job yesterday. They didn't give me reasons for the dismissal, but did offer me an acceptable severance package. I prayed about it and discussed it with some close to me, and chose not to fight this legally, but to accept their package and move on. I signed off on that today.
I'm obviously quite stunned, but I really do believe that I'm going to be okay, and that God's hand is even in this.
I'd come to the realization late last week that it was once again time to begin pursuing other employment, and had set those thoughts aside while I celebrated my brother T's wedding to a lovely girl, and gained a sister over the weekend.
I had no warning that this was coming, but it came.
I spent a great deal of last night talking with my parents and crying and making decisions.
I'm choosing to see this as a blessing. As a chance to pursue better employment.
I have a safe financial cushion for a while, but will begin to look for work shortly. If you know of something in the administrative field in Calgary that you think might work for me, I'd love if you would let me know.
However, I'm first going to take a bit of time to rest and recoup from the incredible stress and challenges not just of the last couple months (that many of you are aware of) but of the last couple of years. I'm leaving around noon tomorrow to spend the next two weeks or so road-tripping with my dad. This is, in itself a miracle. God has brought much healing in my relationships with my parents over the last year or so, and I saw moments of incredible breakthrough even last night as they held me and prayed for me and as we discussed how I would handle this situation. He had already planned to make this trip, driving, to attend the Ontario reception for my brother and his wife (she's from Ontario, originally) and then drive them home from their Ontario honeymoon and reception to save them the cost of plane fair. Because I'm no longer employed, it has worked out for me to travel with him (my mom is flying out later in the week.) The trip also holds the likelihood that I will get to spend a bit of time with a very dear friend who lives not too far from where my sister-in-law grew up, and I'm very excited about that as well. I'm choosing to see this chance to spend time with my dad as a blessing - for greater healing in our relationship, but also as a chance for me to rest and heal from the many things that have come my way these last few years. While I've never liked driving, I've always loved being a passenger, and loved long road trips. A vehicle is one of the few places where I consistently manage to get in restful naps, as well.
There were many odd confirmations that this loss of my job, though a blow to my ego, is a blessing right now.
Funny little things, and some bigger things too.
Yesterday I received in my email inbox the "song of the month" written a friend of mine named Karla. I'd first heard her play this particular song a number of years back, and hadn't heard it since. When I'd first heard it, it had moved me deeply, challenging me to really pursue what God had placed within me, and really, just to pursue a depth and intimacy of relationship with Christ. It's arrival again yesterday in my inbox, with such ironic timing (I didn't discover what song it was that she'd sent until later last night) made me smile, feeling again like a confirmation from God to really continue to pursue relationship with him, and to trust Him to provide rightly.
So, I will be mostly out of contact (though I'll likely be able to check email or facebook occasionally) until the end of the month.
And then I'll be back from my trip, and will update my resume and begin the process of looking for work. I'm going to take the time I'm away to really think and pray for God's leading even in this, and would love if you would pray that with me.
I'd also love for you to pray for continued healing of my heart, and of my relationship with my dad as we travel together. In many ways it is becoming more and more unlikely that we will be able to make trips like these, and I really want to cherish this time and see it blessed and fruitful.
I'd also ask that you pray for the continued ability to choose to see this as a blessing, and joyfully. That bitterness over the unjust way I was treated will not be able to take root in my heart.
That I will know the ability to rest deeply in the trust that God has grown within me for him, and for his hands in my life.
I love you all, and am praying for each of you as well.
Hugs friends!
Lisa
Hi Everyone!
I'm beginning to feel like my life has taken on some kind of crazy force of it's own, but I'm now facing another huge change.
I lost my job yesterday. They didn't give me reasons for the dismissal, but did offer me an acceptable severance package. I prayed about it and discussed it with some close to me, and chose not to fight this legally, but to accept their package and move on. I signed off on that today.
I'm obviously quite stunned, but I really do believe that I'm going to be okay, and that God's hand is even in this.
I'd come to the realization late last week that it was once again time to begin pursuing other employment, and had set those thoughts aside while I celebrated my brother T's wedding to a lovely girl, and gained a sister over the weekend.
I had no warning that this was coming, but it came.
I spent a great deal of last night talking with my parents and crying and making decisions.
I'm choosing to see this as a blessing. As a chance to pursue better employment.
I have a safe financial cushion for a while, but will begin to look for work shortly. If you know of something in the administrative field in Calgary that you think might work for me, I'd love if you would let me know.
However, I'm first going to take a bit of time to rest and recoup from the incredible stress and challenges not just of the last couple months (that many of you are aware of) but of the last couple of years. I'm leaving around noon tomorrow to spend the next two weeks or so road-tripping with my dad. This is, in itself a miracle. God has brought much healing in my relationships with my parents over the last year or so, and I saw moments of incredible breakthrough even last night as they held me and prayed for me and as we discussed how I would handle this situation. He had already planned to make this trip, driving, to attend the Ontario reception for my brother and his wife (she's from Ontario, originally) and then drive them home from their Ontario honeymoon and reception to save them the cost of plane fair. Because I'm no longer employed, it has worked out for me to travel with him (my mom is flying out later in the week.) The trip also holds the likelihood that I will get to spend a bit of time with a very dear friend who lives not too far from where my sister-in-law grew up, and I'm very excited about that as well. I'm choosing to see this chance to spend time with my dad as a blessing - for greater healing in our relationship, but also as a chance for me to rest and heal from the many things that have come my way these last few years. While I've never liked driving, I've always loved being a passenger, and loved long road trips. A vehicle is one of the few places where I consistently manage to get in restful naps, as well.
There were many odd confirmations that this loss of my job, though a blow to my ego, is a blessing right now.
Funny little things, and some bigger things too.
Yesterday I received in my email inbox the "song of the month" written a friend of mine named Karla. I'd first heard her play this particular song a number of years back, and hadn't heard it since. When I'd first heard it, it had moved me deeply, challenging me to really pursue what God had placed within me, and really, just to pursue a depth and intimacy of relationship with Christ. It's arrival again yesterday in my inbox, with such ironic timing (I didn't discover what song it was that she'd sent until later last night) made me smile, feeling again like a confirmation from God to really continue to pursue relationship with him, and to trust Him to provide rightly.
So, I will be mostly out of contact (though I'll likely be able to check email or facebook occasionally) until the end of the month.
And then I'll be back from my trip, and will update my resume and begin the process of looking for work. I'm going to take the time I'm away to really think and pray for God's leading even in this, and would love if you would pray that with me.
I'd also love for you to pray for continued healing of my heart, and of my relationship with my dad as we travel together. In many ways it is becoming more and more unlikely that we will be able to make trips like these, and I really want to cherish this time and see it blessed and fruitful.
I'd also ask that you pray for the continued ability to choose to see this as a blessing, and joyfully. That bitterness over the unjust way I was treated will not be able to take root in my heart.
That I will know the ability to rest deeply in the trust that God has grown within me for him, and for his hands in my life.
I love you all, and am praying for each of you as well.
Hugs friends!
Lisa
Monday, May 17, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 277
Today's daily 5:
- Sunshine
- Buying a wedding gift with mom
- a long advice filled conversation about some life changes with my parents
- being held
- knowing a weirdly deep peace in some very unsettled circumstances
After I Feel the Sun on My Face
Whenever I'm walking on a warm spring day, thankful that winter seems to have receded, a lyric that my friend Karla penned tends to come back to me, especially if it's been a particularly rough season of time.
Karla wrote, "And after I feel the sun on my face/ my soul, it will sprout again/ and I might become a tangled mess of love and fear and faith..."
I think of that line, and pray for sprouting.
I think of that line and remember a moment overseas, walking with a friend, when that lyric first hit me. When I felt that stirring of growth within me, seemingly out of season.
I was thinking of both of those things today as I walked to get lunch and felt the sun on my face, restoring my exhausted body and soul.
I was thinking of how many things changed after that moment overseas, and how it seemed for a season that all growth had been snuffed out.
That there was only death and cold and winter.
I'm feeling the stirrings of growth within me again these days.
It's both a welcome and familar, and totally uncomfortable and unfamiliar feeling.
I was reflecting that it seems to have been a long process of germination, these years of time between those first stirrings and now. And how now I don't expect a sudden growth or sprouting, but more of a slow thing. I believe that the sudden sprouting can and may happen, but I don't think I invest myself fully in expecting that anymore.
And maybe that's okay too.
Maybe that, too, is growth.
In any case, as exhausted as I am. As challenging as some facets of life remain, I feel that stirring of growth.
And I welcome it.
Karla wrote, "And after I feel the sun on my face/ my soul, it will sprout again/ and I might become a tangled mess of love and fear and faith..."
I think of that line, and pray for sprouting.
I think of that line and remember a moment overseas, walking with a friend, when that lyric first hit me. When I felt that stirring of growth within me, seemingly out of season.
I was thinking of both of those things today as I walked to get lunch and felt the sun on my face, restoring my exhausted body and soul.
I was thinking of how many things changed after that moment overseas, and how it seemed for a season that all growth had been snuffed out.
That there was only death and cold and winter.
I'm feeling the stirrings of growth within me again these days.
It's both a welcome and familar, and totally uncomfortable and unfamiliar feeling.
I was reflecting that it seems to have been a long process of germination, these years of time between those first stirrings and now. And how now I don't expect a sudden growth or sprouting, but more of a slow thing. I believe that the sudden sprouting can and may happen, but I don't think I invest myself fully in expecting that anymore.
And maybe that's okay too.
Maybe that, too, is growth.
In any case, as exhausted as I am. As challenging as some facets of life remain, I feel that stirring of growth.
And I welcome it.
The Practice of Awareness
I received the following in my email from Richard Rohr this morning, and really appreciated it:
All spiritual teachers tell us “DO NOT JUDGE.” For those of us raised in a religious setting, this is very difficult. In a strange way, religion gave us all a Ph.D. in judgmentalism. It trained us very early in life to categorize, label, and critique. It told us all about worthiness and unworthiness. This judgmental mind told us what is right and wrong, who is gay or straight, and who is good or bad. This sort of mind never creates great people, because everybody has to fit into our way of thinking. At an early age our grid was complete. We had decided who fit in and who did not fit in. We fashioned our own little world.
Christianity that divides the world in this manner and eliminates all troublesome people and all ideas different from our way of thinking cannot be mature religion. It cannot see the multiple gifts of each moment, nor the dark side that coexists with it. This mind does not lead us to awareness, and above all, this mind will find it impossible to contemplate. To practice awareness means you live in a spirit of communion; your world becomes alive and very spacious, and not divided by mere mental labels.
(Richard Rohr)
All spiritual teachers tell us “DO NOT JUDGE.” For those of us raised in a religious setting, this is very difficult. In a strange way, religion gave us all a Ph.D. in judgmentalism. It trained us very early in life to categorize, label, and critique. It told us all about worthiness and unworthiness. This judgmental mind told us what is right and wrong, who is gay or straight, and who is good or bad. This sort of mind never creates great people, because everybody has to fit into our way of thinking. At an early age our grid was complete. We had decided who fit in and who did not fit in. We fashioned our own little world.
Christianity that divides the world in this manner and eliminates all troublesome people and all ideas different from our way of thinking cannot be mature religion. It cannot see the multiple gifts of each moment, nor the dark side that coexists with it. This mind does not lead us to awareness, and above all, this mind will find it impossible to contemplate. To practice awareness means you live in a spirit of communion; your world becomes alive and very spacious, and not divided by mere mental labels.
(Richard Rohr)
Exhausted
I'm tired this morning, and not feeling well.
My mouth aches. I have two enormous canker sores inside of it. I get them a few times a year, with no apparent rhyme or reason, though rarely do I get two at once. In this case, they picked Friday to flare. And they're bad. My lip is swollen on one side, not so much on the other.
Sleep was kind of non-existent last night, in that way it sometimes is when you've been overstimulated for too long and your body and brain just can't shut down. Three very long days of being with people were overstimulating for this introvert, and last night I paid for it with a lack of sleep.
I'm thinking this morning about an odd dream I woke from yesterday morning, before the wedding. A dream in which my grandpa made an appearance. That was something new and different.
I'm thinking about my brother's face as he looked into his bride's eyes yesterday and made vows.
I'm thinking about how we don't live in a culture that necessarily believes in permanence of vows.
But mostly I'm just tired.
Spent, emotionally and physically.
Happy to have been a part of such a special celebration.
And entirely relieved that it has come to an end.
That today can be about the mundane stuff of getting through a day at work, nursing a cold and my aching mouth. About stopping at the library to pick up a new audio book, and starting at my finances.
That it only has one wedding related thing on the agenda, and that thing will be quick, and will include a hug from my mom.
I'm also immensely glad that I am only working four days this week, and that then I get a break. I'll be staying at my parent's house, keeping an eye on things while they're out of town for several days. And I'll be off work for most of the time I'll be there, allowing me to rest and relax, away from the stresses of my life at Grandma's.
I'm exhausted, but grateful today.
My mouth aches. I have two enormous canker sores inside of it. I get them a few times a year, with no apparent rhyme or reason, though rarely do I get two at once. In this case, they picked Friday to flare. And they're bad. My lip is swollen on one side, not so much on the other.
Sleep was kind of non-existent last night, in that way it sometimes is when you've been overstimulated for too long and your body and brain just can't shut down. Three very long days of being with people were overstimulating for this introvert, and last night I paid for it with a lack of sleep.
I'm thinking this morning about an odd dream I woke from yesterday morning, before the wedding. A dream in which my grandpa made an appearance. That was something new and different.
I'm thinking about my brother's face as he looked into his bride's eyes yesterday and made vows.
I'm thinking about how we don't live in a culture that necessarily believes in permanence of vows.
But mostly I'm just tired.
Spent, emotionally and physically.
Happy to have been a part of such a special celebration.
And entirely relieved that it has come to an end.
That today can be about the mundane stuff of getting through a day at work, nursing a cold and my aching mouth. About stopping at the library to pick up a new audio book, and starting at my finances.
That it only has one wedding related thing on the agenda, and that thing will be quick, and will include a hug from my mom.
I'm also immensely glad that I am only working four days this week, and that then I get a break. I'll be staying at my parent's house, keeping an eye on things while they're out of town for several days. And I'll be off work for most of the time I'll be there, allowing me to rest and relax, away from the stresses of my life at Grandma's.
I'm exhausted, but grateful today.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 276
I think today's list is going to be wedding themed. Mostly because, well, my baby brother got married today, and provided me with the sister I spent years asking my parents for.
Today's Daily 5:
Today's Daily 5:
- Watching T.'s face as L walked up the aisle
- T's face as he was looking at L and making her vows. I was standing at the perfect angle to see this, and it totally wrecked my resolve not to cry at the wedding. One look at that face and I was a goner.
- So much laughter
- The divine providence of the photographer's assistant having sunscreen with her. I totally forgot to even think of that, and it was a really sunny day and my dress left a lot of skin exposed to the elements. I did still burn, but not nearly as badly as I would have without sunscreen.
- J's speech at the reception.
- lots of hugs
- new friends
- a beautiful sunny day that came off well
- really good food
- I can now officially say that I have a sister-in-law!
Full Day
By the time this post goes live on Sunday morning, I'll already be at the bride's house. There will be hours of hair and makeup to get all of us ready for the ceremony, and then a very full day.
Sometime late tomorrow night (tonight, I guess, by the time you read this) I'll be back with a daily 5.
In between, it'll be quiet here.
My baby brother is getting married. And, while I'm a little tired of wedding details, and will be glad when normal life returns, for this day I'm going to celebrate the marriage of my baby brother to the girl who is about to become the first of the sisters I always wanted and never got.
I'm going to wear a short purple dress that makes me look vaguely as if I'm with child. I'm going to catch my aunt's eye and we'll giggle a little over the jokes we were making about how I'll be the single older sister everyone wonders just a little about, especially since my dress does make me look a bit pregnant.
I'm going to absorb the changes to our family slowly.
I'm going to celebrate this moment of newness even as I think and pray for others. For some I know of who are struggling deeply in their marriages. For others who are grieving the loss of loved ones. I'm going to realize anew how cyclical and deep and interconnected life really is.
It will be a full and lovely and bittersweet and wonderful day, I hope.
Sometime late tomorrow night (tonight, I guess, by the time you read this) I'll be back with a daily 5.
In between, it'll be quiet here.
My baby brother is getting married. And, while I'm a little tired of wedding details, and will be glad when normal life returns, for this day I'm going to celebrate the marriage of my baby brother to the girl who is about to become the first of the sisters I always wanted and never got.
I'm going to wear a short purple dress that makes me look vaguely as if I'm with child. I'm going to catch my aunt's eye and we'll giggle a little over the jokes we were making about how I'll be the single older sister everyone wonders just a little about, especially since my dress does make me look a bit pregnant.
I'm going to absorb the changes to our family slowly.
I'm going to celebrate this moment of newness even as I think and pray for others. For some I know of who are struggling deeply in their marriages. For others who are grieving the loss of loved ones. I'm going to realize anew how cyclical and deep and interconnected life really is.
It will be a full and lovely and bittersweet and wonderful day, I hope.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 275
Today's Daily 5:
- 275 days of writing these lists
- Hanging out with my aunt this afternoon, putting together the bouquets for tomorrow
- laughing with the maid of honor at a bridesmaid gathering tonight
- a hug from my mom
- a ride to the bank
- manicure and pedicure this morning
- long hot shower
- a few quieter hours with no wedding details or obligations
- still pondering a good conversation I had with my dad yesterday
- Sunshine
Friday, May 14, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 274
Today's Daily 5:
- Wearing my twirling skirt
- Sunny weather
- a good conversation with my dad
- laughing with one of the other bridesmaids at the rehearsal dinner
- seeing T's smile
Smile!
A dear friend of mine had the following quote from Mother Teresa as her facebook status yesterday.
"Peace begins with a smile."
Given my penchant for making a daily 5 list of things that brought joy to my life, that made me smile, and seeing how that practice really has shaped the way I experience life and brought peace to my own heart, I loved the quote, and wanted to share it here as well.
"Peace begins with a smile."
Given my penchant for making a daily 5 list of things that brought joy to my life, that made me smile, and seeing how that practice really has shaped the way I experience life and brought peace to my own heart, I loved the quote, and wanted to share it here as well.
Friday Morning
Here's how this day is likely going to go.
In a minute or two I'm going to crawl out of bed and do some yoga. 10-20 minutes. I haven't decided which video I want to do. Probably the longer one to stretch everything comfortably out.
Then a shower and dressing for the day.
Some quick administrative stuff at home, and by 10 I'll have packed up my computer and I'll be heading out to catch a bus to my parent's house. I could probably get a ride from Grandma, but trust me on this, taking the bus, though less convenient, is far better for one's peace of mind. Most bus drivers aren't over 80 and, while they, too, sometimes take liberties with the rules of the road, it's not usually because of age or lack of eyesight.
At mom and dad's I have a wedding slideshow to finish up, and then I'll be helping with preparations for the rehearsal dinner tonight.
This afternoon will be about prepping for the first of two receptions on Sunday, and about set-up at the "church" (the church T & L attend meets in a local elementary school, so we're decorating the school gymnasium this afternoon.) Then the wedding rehearsal itself, and the rehearsal dinner.
It's going to be a very full day.
The kind of day that requires a twirling skirt, I think.
I'm scheduling a post or two to go live today, and I'll be back tonight with the usual daily 5.
And with that, I'm off to start the day!
In a minute or two I'm going to crawl out of bed and do some yoga. 10-20 minutes. I haven't decided which video I want to do. Probably the longer one to stretch everything comfortably out.
Then a shower and dressing for the day.
Some quick administrative stuff at home, and by 10 I'll have packed up my computer and I'll be heading out to catch a bus to my parent's house. I could probably get a ride from Grandma, but trust me on this, taking the bus, though less convenient, is far better for one's peace of mind. Most bus drivers aren't over 80 and, while they, too, sometimes take liberties with the rules of the road, it's not usually because of age or lack of eyesight.
At mom and dad's I have a wedding slideshow to finish up, and then I'll be helping with preparations for the rehearsal dinner tonight.
This afternoon will be about prepping for the first of two receptions on Sunday, and about set-up at the "church" (the church T & L attend meets in a local elementary school, so we're decorating the school gymnasium this afternoon.) Then the wedding rehearsal itself, and the rehearsal dinner.
It's going to be a very full day.
The kind of day that requires a twirling skirt, I think.
I'm scheduling a post or two to go live today, and I'll be back tonight with the usual daily 5.
And with that, I'm off to start the day!
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 273
Today's Daily 5:
- Seeing the trees start to bud
- Wearing flip flops for the first time this year
- needing to wear sunglasses in the morning because the sun was out and bright
- finding a yoga video taught by the instructor I'd been liking, that is only ten minutes long. I don't have the energy for the longer one these days with all the extra walking, and I don't need the workout as much, but my body has been missing the stretching.
- The sermon series that Mars Hill church has been doing surrounding the idea of water. Particularly the one titled "Salt in the Water"
- This was my Friday. I'm off work now for the weekend, and diving into wedding stuff.
- Humming a favorite worship song as I walked this morning, and then having it be sung tonight at house church unexpectedly
- First time ever having Vietnamese Subs for dinner. Very tasty.
- Being at house church
- Laughter
Ascension Day
Today is Ascension Day.
Christ rising to the heavens.
The day we remember the waiting.
The promise again of return.
It struck me today.
That waiting.
As I wait for so many things.
Come, Lord Jesus.
Christ rising to the heavens.
The day we remember the waiting.
The promise again of return.
It struck me today.
That waiting.
As I wait for so many things.
Come, Lord Jesus.
Worth Checking Out
In today's edition:
Today's post from Donald Miller on knowing your work style seemed timely, since I'm definitely in the middle of a period of frustration with my job again.
I loved this post: We are the Morning People
The recent knife attacks against Chinese school children, that are raising the issue of mental health in China continue to both sadden and fascinate me as they unfold.
Today's post from Donald Miller on knowing your work style seemed timely, since I'm definitely in the middle of a period of frustration with my job again.
I loved this post: We are the Morning People
The recent knife attacks against Chinese school children, that are raising the issue of mental health in China continue to both sadden and fascinate me as they unfold.
Seeing Myself
This was today's Garfield cartoon. It made me smile, and then pause to reflect just a little. Because I haven't always been a big fan of myself. In fact, it's something I still struggle with. Just before I turned 25, a dear friend and I were talking about self care, and self image, and seeing oneself as the creation of God, and she assigned a task to me. She asked me to make a list of 25 Things I Love About Myself. Not things that connected to other people, but things that were actually about me. The very idea made me cringe. I finally sat down one Sunday afternoon a few months before my 26th birthday to complete the task she'd been strategically reminding me of all year. If I'm being totally honest, I completed it partly because she told me I owed her an extra item for each birthday that passed before I completed the list, and the idea of needing even one more item when 25 was so hard was daunting.
I won't share the list here, as it's rather personal, but the excercise forced me to look at myself just a little bit differently. To celebrate little things that are unique to the way God created me. It's an ongoing process, and I was reminded of that process, of the progress that's been made, and the distance left to come as I read this cartoon this morning. I think I'm going to print the cartoon out and stick it up on my wall at work, and at home, as an ongoing reminder that the quest to see differently includes seeing myself differently.
A few from Henri
I'm running around this morning and don't have time to write my usual early morning rambling sort of post. I'll be back later in the day with some of my own thoughts. In the meantime, here are the first of many great throughts from Henri Nouwen that have backlogged in my email inbox over the last few months.
The Healing Touch
Touch, yes, touch, speaks the wordless words of love. We receive so much touch when we are babies and so little when we are adults. Still, in friendship touch often gives more life than words. A friend's hand stroking our back, a friend's arms resting on our shoulder, a friend's fingers wiping our tears away, a friend's lips kissing our forehead --- these are true consolation. These moments of touch are truly sacred. They restore, they reconcile, they reassure, they forgive, they heal.
Everyone who touched Jesus and everyone whom Jesus touched were healed. God's love and power went out from him (see Luke 6:19). When a friend touches us with free, nonpossessive love, it is God's incarnate love that touches us and God's power that heals us.
Travelling With the Eyes of God
Travelling - seeing new sights, hearing new music, and meeting new people - is exciting and exhilarating. But when we have no home to return to where someone will ask us, "How was your trip?" we might be less eager to go. Travelling is joyful when we travel with the eyes and ears of those who love us, who want to see our slides and hear our stories.
This is what life is about. It is being sent on a trip by a loving God, who is waiting at home for our return and is eager to watch the slides we took and hear about the friends we made. When we travel with the eyes and ears of the God who sent us, we will see wonderful sights, hear wonderful sounds, meet wonderful people ... and be happy to return home.
The Healing Touch
Touch, yes, touch, speaks the wordless words of love. We receive so much touch when we are babies and so little when we are adults. Still, in friendship touch often gives more life than words. A friend's hand stroking our back, a friend's arms resting on our shoulder, a friend's fingers wiping our tears away, a friend's lips kissing our forehead --- these are true consolation. These moments of touch are truly sacred. They restore, they reconcile, they reassure, they forgive, they heal.
Everyone who touched Jesus and everyone whom Jesus touched were healed. God's love and power went out from him (see Luke 6:19). When a friend touches us with free, nonpossessive love, it is God's incarnate love that touches us and God's power that heals us.
Travelling With the Eyes of God
Travelling - seeing new sights, hearing new music, and meeting new people - is exciting and exhilarating. But when we have no home to return to where someone will ask us, "How was your trip?" we might be less eager to go. Travelling is joyful when we travel with the eyes and ears of those who love us, who want to see our slides and hear our stories.
This is what life is about. It is being sent on a trip by a loving God, who is waiting at home for our return and is eager to watch the slides we took and hear about the friends we made. When we travel with the eyes and ears of the God who sent us, we will see wonderful sights, hear wonderful sounds, meet wonderful people ... and be happy to return home.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 272
Today's Daily 5:
- Sunshine
- leftover Chinese take-out
- getting out of the office for a little while this afternoon to run an errand for work
- finished reading another book
- making huge progress (nearly done now, just a few final tweaks) on the wedding slideshow
Stuff Worth Reading
I liked these:
Claudia Mair Burney's piece on "Listening to Your Illnesses" struck a deep chord as I remembered the long years of depression, and as I pondered the various situations I find myself in now.
This piece on "Letting Go of the Old to Embrace the New" stuck a chord for kind of the same reasons. Especially in a week when I've been thinking about changes that are coming to our family. And remembering how lovely my living situation was only a few months ago, versus how challenging it is at the moment.
And I just liked this piece on the numbering of our days and the value of a mentor at Pete Wilson's blog. Probably partly because one of my dearest friends is quite a bit older than I am, and offers an incredibly valuable perspective to me as I walk out life.
Claudia Mair Burney's piece on "Listening to Your Illnesses" struck a deep chord as I remembered the long years of depression, and as I pondered the various situations I find myself in now.
This piece on "Letting Go of the Old to Embrace the New" stuck a chord for kind of the same reasons. Especially in a week when I've been thinking about changes that are coming to our family. And remembering how lovely my living situation was only a few months ago, versus how challenging it is at the moment.
And I just liked this piece on the numbering of our days and the value of a mentor at Pete Wilson's blog. Probably partly because one of my dearest friends is quite a bit older than I am, and offers an incredibly valuable perspective to me as I walk out life.
Conversations Overheard
Snippets of conversation the last few days have left me wondering.
As I walked up the stairs to the train yesterday, a lovely middle-aged black woman was descending. I noticed her because she seemed regal. As she descended, a scruffy man, of around the same age, was following. At one point he simply stopped, and stared at the descending woman. His behaviour made me pause, because while, though I'm sure it's totally judgemental of me, it wasn't something totally out of the norm for what I'd expect of a man who looked the way this one did, it was simply so blatant. As my startled thoughts worked their way through "Is he really checking out her ass that blatantly?" my eyes jumped upwards, studying him, and without planning to, I made eye contact. As soon as he caught my eyes, he began speaking. As I pulled a headphone from my ear and heard what he was saying, I was grateful this lovely lady had nearly finished descending, and was farther from earshot. "Look at all that blubber, eh? So much blubber!"
Really? This is what you had to say about a lovely woman, who wasn't even particularly large. And I spent the rest of the train journey home wondering what it takes to form a person who sees others through that particular lense.
This morning I overheard two women, discussing another woman, who one of the two talking considered to be a good friend. There have apparently been frustrations in the relationship, and the first quizzed the second, "Well, if she's got this and this and this (boyfriend, car, job etc.), what does she need you for?" It seems the friend who isn't present hasn't been treating the other woman in the conversation that well, and the friend she was conversing with felt it would help to point out that the first friend was probably treating her poorly because she felt she no longer needed the support.
Really? That's how we judge relationships? On whether they meet basic needs? Having a boyfriend and a car and a job means that a person must be entirely fulfilled and therefore not need a friend. Not factoring in other circumstances that may have caused an ebb in their friendship for the time.
I'm feeling deeply introspective these days and conversations overheard like these are penetrating deeply as I again ponder life and relationships. As I work to sort out how I want to be, and how I believe Jesus desires me to conduct myself relationally.
What sorts of conversations are making you think these days?
As I walked up the stairs to the train yesterday, a lovely middle-aged black woman was descending. I noticed her because she seemed regal. As she descended, a scruffy man, of around the same age, was following. At one point he simply stopped, and stared at the descending woman. His behaviour made me pause, because while, though I'm sure it's totally judgemental of me, it wasn't something totally out of the norm for what I'd expect of a man who looked the way this one did, it was simply so blatant. As my startled thoughts worked their way through "Is he really checking out her ass that blatantly?" my eyes jumped upwards, studying him, and without planning to, I made eye contact. As soon as he caught my eyes, he began speaking. As I pulled a headphone from my ear and heard what he was saying, I was grateful this lovely lady had nearly finished descending, and was farther from earshot. "Look at all that blubber, eh? So much blubber!"
Really? This is what you had to say about a lovely woman, who wasn't even particularly large. And I spent the rest of the train journey home wondering what it takes to form a person who sees others through that particular lense.
This morning I overheard two women, discussing another woman, who one of the two talking considered to be a good friend. There have apparently been frustrations in the relationship, and the first quizzed the second, "Well, if she's got this and this and this (boyfriend, car, job etc.), what does she need you for?" It seems the friend who isn't present hasn't been treating the other woman in the conversation that well, and the friend she was conversing with felt it would help to point out that the first friend was probably treating her poorly because she felt she no longer needed the support.
Really? That's how we judge relationships? On whether they meet basic needs? Having a boyfriend and a car and a job means that a person must be entirely fulfilled and therefore not need a friend. Not factoring in other circumstances that may have caused an ebb in their friendship for the time.
I'm feeling deeply introspective these days and conversations overheard like these are penetrating deeply as I again ponder life and relationships. As I work to sort out how I want to be, and how I believe Jesus desires me to conduct myself relationally.
What sorts of conversations are making you think these days?
Seriously? Seriously?
I had another crazy dream this morning. Along similar lines to the one that so disturbed me last week, but not quite so disturbing. Still, something I could have lived without at the moment.
I feel a little like I'm banging my head against walls at work these days. So I stop banging and try not to care. To not think about the fact that if I do such and such one way, it's not right, but if I do it the other way, that's not right either. To not think about double standards and all that crap. I hate that defeated "it's not worth the fight" feeling. I mean, I know the value of "pick your battles", but these days it seems like there are so many battles that need to be ignored, because, in the grand scheme of things, if I'm going to take a stand, that's probably not the thing to stake my job on.
I think it makes me more upset that I'm dealing with all of this in a supposedly "christian" company. I mean, I'm not naive. I'm a pastor's kid and I've seen it all. I know that those who claim to follow Christ aren't inherently less sinful and more moral. But I think we should be trying for that - for a higher standard, beyond reproach. Not lowballing to see how much we can bend the rules before someone objects. It's terrible to say, but somehow, that bending of standards to suit one's purposes seems more acceptable, more expected, in a workplace that has a "secular" label. And, to be honest, some of the secular workplaces I've been employed in have a much higher standard of honesty.
All of that makes me sad, and then it makes me angry, and then it makes me feel helpless and powerless. Especially on the days when the double standards are out in force and I've stepped away from several battles before 9:00 ever rolls around.
So, I remind myself that I am doing my job. And that I do it well. That I'm only responsible for my own choices and actions and honesty, not that of others. And that I don't get to judge. Even when it seems easy and I really want to.
And then I kind of let out a big sigh. Because those reminders stink too. Even when they're coming from me to me, and not being hurled at me by someone else.
I set my facebook status this morning to one of my favorite quotes from Grey's Anatomy, "Seriously? Seriously?"
Because that's how I'm feeling about life these days.
I have a better day, and then I have a crazy dream.
I talk myself into being okay with work for another day, and something happens to set me off.
The give and take of life makes me crazy sometimes.
And all I'm left with is, "Seriously? Seriously?" as I trudge forward down whatever path God is leading and think about those scriptures that talk about "the narrow way" and how they weren't kidding when they said this journeying with God is hard and steep and dangerous.
I feel a little like I'm banging my head against walls at work these days. So I stop banging and try not to care. To not think about the fact that if I do such and such one way, it's not right, but if I do it the other way, that's not right either. To not think about double standards and all that crap. I hate that defeated "it's not worth the fight" feeling. I mean, I know the value of "pick your battles", but these days it seems like there are so many battles that need to be ignored, because, in the grand scheme of things, if I'm going to take a stand, that's probably not the thing to stake my job on.
I think it makes me more upset that I'm dealing with all of this in a supposedly "christian" company. I mean, I'm not naive. I'm a pastor's kid and I've seen it all. I know that those who claim to follow Christ aren't inherently less sinful and more moral. But I think we should be trying for that - for a higher standard, beyond reproach. Not lowballing to see how much we can bend the rules before someone objects. It's terrible to say, but somehow, that bending of standards to suit one's purposes seems more acceptable, more expected, in a workplace that has a "secular" label. And, to be honest, some of the secular workplaces I've been employed in have a much higher standard of honesty.
All of that makes me sad, and then it makes me angry, and then it makes me feel helpless and powerless. Especially on the days when the double standards are out in force and I've stepped away from several battles before 9:00 ever rolls around.
So, I remind myself that I am doing my job. And that I do it well. That I'm only responsible for my own choices and actions and honesty, not that of others. And that I don't get to judge. Even when it seems easy and I really want to.
And then I kind of let out a big sigh. Because those reminders stink too. Even when they're coming from me to me, and not being hurled at me by someone else.
I set my facebook status this morning to one of my favorite quotes from Grey's Anatomy, "Seriously? Seriously?"
Because that's how I'm feeling about life these days.
I have a better day, and then I have a crazy dream.
I talk myself into being okay with work for another day, and something happens to set me off.
The give and take of life makes me crazy sometimes.
And all I'm left with is, "Seriously? Seriously?" as I trudge forward down whatever path God is leading and think about those scriptures that talk about "the narrow way" and how they weren't kidding when they said this journeying with God is hard and steep and dangerous.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 271
Today's Daily 5:
- Reading the latest book I'm working through
- finding almost everything I needed while running errands tonight
- an updated and very workable budget
- a generally personally productive evening (I finally managed to check a bunch of stuff off of to do lists and shopping lists)
- Chinese take out
- Watching (a few days late, and evening knowing the results) the Amazing Race season finale. I thought the cowboys went out with class, which is more than I can say for some of the teams.
- Made sure I had all the clothes and stuff I need for the wedding, and that everything works together (this includes a pair of very mimimalist yoga shorts purchased tonight, since my bridesmaid dress is ummm... short, and I was a little concerned about displaying everything accidentally!)
- chocolate
- downloaded a new game onto my iphone (I'm all about the random free game apps at the moment)
- going to bed early!!
Slightly Recovered
I'm doing slightly better than this morning.
Emails and comments from a few friends brought smiles.
The roses that are still hanging in there on my desk helped.
Booking a pre-wedding manicure and pedicure for Saturday helped.
A sandwich for lunch full of this beef filling that my mom makes, and I rarely get these days helped. (My mom gave me a container of the filling last night.)
Settling into a few tasks at the office helped too.
I'm still tired, still distracted, still feeling a bit overwhelmed by the curve-balls of life.
But I'm doing slightly better.
And for that, I'm thankful.
Emails and comments from a few friends brought smiles.
The roses that are still hanging in there on my desk helped.
Booking a pre-wedding manicure and pedicure for Saturday helped.
A sandwich for lunch full of this beef filling that my mom makes, and I rarely get these days helped. (My mom gave me a container of the filling last night.)
Settling into a few tasks at the office helped too.
I'm still tired, still distracted, still feeling a bit overwhelmed by the curve-balls of life.
But I'm doing slightly better.
And for that, I'm thankful.
Slight Smile
This link brought a slight smile to my face.
And this article encouraged my heart a little. To at least keep picking myself up and pressing in.
And this article encouraged my heart a little. To at least keep picking myself up and pressing in.
Tired
Overnight a minor flare-up of "I'm tired of all the crap-itis" turned into a full blown case.
I'm tired of the many, many curve balls that life has thrown my way this last while.
I'm tired of the the politics and the maneuvering and the bending of morals and standards in my place of employment. There hasn't even been a recent influx of those things. Just a build-up of long term exhaustion.
I'm tired of relationships that have to be carefully managed.
I'm tired of living (well, it feels like hiding sometimes) in the basement at Grandma's.
I'm tired of trying to come up with ways to smile and laugh at all the ridiculous things that life has thrown at me in the last few months.
I'm tired of feeling like I have to pretend.
I'm tired of being around people (my grandma especially) where I have to carefully watch every word I say.
To be honest, I'm not sure I'll post this, or, if I do, that I'll leave it up.
It's not the choosing differently attitude that I'm trying to embrace these days.
It's more of a wallowing.
And I'll be honest in saying that life circumstances are definitely making this choosing joy and choosing life thing a lot more challenging at the moment.
I'm weary.
I'm even tired of myself.
I'm tired of the many, many curve balls that life has thrown my way this last while.
I'm tired of the the politics and the maneuvering and the bending of morals and standards in my place of employment. There hasn't even been a recent influx of those things. Just a build-up of long term exhaustion.
I'm tired of relationships that have to be carefully managed.
I'm tired of living (well, it feels like hiding sometimes) in the basement at Grandma's.
I'm tired of trying to come up with ways to smile and laugh at all the ridiculous things that life has thrown at me in the last few months.
I'm tired of feeling like I have to pretend.
I'm tired of being around people (my grandma especially) where I have to carefully watch every word I say.
To be honest, I'm not sure I'll post this, or, if I do, that I'll leave it up.
It's not the choosing differently attitude that I'm trying to embrace these days.
It's more of a wallowing.
And I'll be honest in saying that life circumstances are definitely making this choosing joy and choosing life thing a lot more challenging at the moment.
I'm weary.
I'm even tired of myself.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 270
Today's Daily 5:
- 270 days of Daily 5 Lists
- Had a treatment tonight with one of my natural health practitioners
- Editing photos for the slideshow
- A hug from and chat with my mom
- Finished an audio book today (Committed).
Coming Soon...
Have you seen this video yet? It's been popping up on blogs all over the place for the last week or so, and I finally stopped to watch it this morning. Too funny...
"Sunday's Coming" Movie Trailer from North Point Media on Vimeo.
House of Motherhood
I read this post on Kelle's blog in the wee hours of Sunday morning, after returning from a bachelorette party, and preparing for sleep, while thinking ahead to celebrating my own mom later in that day.
House of Motherhood. The post made me smile and laugh and cry, just a little. It's very worth the read.
House of Motherhood. The post made me smile and laugh and cry, just a little. It's very worth the read.
It's definitely Monday
Today marks the beginning of what promises to be a crazy week.
This coming Sunday my baby brother will be married. In the meantime, the entire extended family is consumed with wedding details, and tucking the stuff of day to day life in between the wedding details.
I had another weekend full of life curve balls. As I jokingly pointed out to a friend in an email last night, I could probably make a killing off my blog, in advertising, and readers, if I was only anonymous, and able to share the crazyness that life has been throwing at me lately in a public place.
I've been getting messages in my tea, lately, too. No, not that kind of message in my tea. I mean that, with the brand of green tea I've been drinking for my weekday morning "warm me up" beverage has little inspirational messages printed on the paper tag attached to the tea bag. They've been amusingly hard-hitting to various lessons I've been learning lately. Today's reminded me "You only give when you love."
I woke up this morning with a brutal head ache. Thankfully, the drugs I swallowed before I even turned on the lights seem to be making some headway.
I'm wearing my wedding shoes around the office today (and probably several more days this week.) I'm a little afraid of what will happen if I don't wear them for a whole lot of days, and then I have to wear them for ten or twelve straight hours on Sunday.
I have a list of blog posts planned, but finding time to write them this week will be the challenge. I want to talk a bit more about Sara Miles' "Jesus Freak" and a bit about the newest book that booksneeze.com sent me to review. I'm really enjoying this one "I am Hutterite" - it's a fascinating account, and is reviving my hope in Thomas Nelson - a hope that had been rather dented by the slogging necessary for a reading of "A Hole in Our Gospel". I want to talk again about Donald Miller's "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years", too.
But this week might be a week for purging my inbox of built-up quotes and various thoughts from Henri Nouwen. I have a wedding slideshow to tackle, and some wedding errands to do. A few personal obligations and some church obligations as well.
So, we'll play it by ear.
Which, at this moment, is all I can manage. Because it definitely feels like a Monday.
This coming Sunday my baby brother will be married. In the meantime, the entire extended family is consumed with wedding details, and tucking the stuff of day to day life in between the wedding details.
I had another weekend full of life curve balls. As I jokingly pointed out to a friend in an email last night, I could probably make a killing off my blog, in advertising, and readers, if I was only anonymous, and able to share the crazyness that life has been throwing at me lately in a public place.
I've been getting messages in my tea, lately, too. No, not that kind of message in my tea. I mean that, with the brand of green tea I've been drinking for my weekday morning "warm me up" beverage has little inspirational messages printed on the paper tag attached to the tea bag. They've been amusingly hard-hitting to various lessons I've been learning lately. Today's reminded me "You only give when you love."
I woke up this morning with a brutal head ache. Thankfully, the drugs I swallowed before I even turned on the lights seem to be making some headway.
I'm wearing my wedding shoes around the office today (and probably several more days this week.) I'm a little afraid of what will happen if I don't wear them for a whole lot of days, and then I have to wear them for ten or twelve straight hours on Sunday.
I have a list of blog posts planned, but finding time to write them this week will be the challenge. I want to talk a bit more about Sara Miles' "Jesus Freak" and a bit about the newest book that booksneeze.com sent me to review. I'm really enjoying this one "I am Hutterite" - it's a fascinating account, and is reviving my hope in Thomas Nelson - a hope that had been rather dented by the slogging necessary for a reading of "A Hole in Our Gospel". I want to talk again about Donald Miller's "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years", too.
But this week might be a week for purging my inbox of built-up quotes and various thoughts from Henri Nouwen. I have a wedding slideshow to tackle, and some wedding errands to do. A few personal obligations and some church obligations as well.
So, we'll play it by ear.
Which, at this moment, is all I can manage. Because it definitely feels like a Monday.
Sunday, May 09, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 269
Today's Daily 5:
- A long phone call from my former roommate L, to start the day. It was so good to laugh and talk and catch up on each other's lives. I really miss her.
- Standing in the kitchen, chatting with my dad and chopping vegetables for a veggie tray together, to take to tonight's big family Mother's Day gathering.
- emails from a few different friends today
- giving and getting a hug from my mom
- Making my way through a significant list of tasks this morning.
Roast Beef at Dawn
It was already Sunday when I went to bed.
After the murder-mystery bachelorette party, which was both every bit as awkward as I expected, and not quite as painful as I expected.
I woke again for the first time around 6:30.
Can I just say that the smell of roast beef cooking at 6:30 in the morning is a little incongruous?
I lay there in the dark, trying to figure out why the whole house smelled like roast beef, or if, perhaps, I was still dreaming.
I woke again a few hours later to the buzzing of my phone.
L was calling from England, and we passed about an hour laughing and talking and catching up on each other's lives.
There was something truly lovely about starting the day laughing and talking with a dear friend far away.
Eventually, after getting the laundry started, I ventured upstairs to make breakfast and discovered a leftover roasting pan.
Clearly, Grandma was making roast beef at 6:30 this morning.
The question of why this was a logical time to make a roast, remains unanswered.
Maybe it's just because she's 80.
There are a lot of things that happen in this house that seem to only happen because she's 80.
Roast beef before dawn is only the most recent installment.
You stop asking after a while.
And with that, I'm off to tackle the rest of the usual Sunday morning chores before heading out to spend the day celebrating my mom.
After the murder-mystery bachelorette party, which was both every bit as awkward as I expected, and not quite as painful as I expected.
I woke again for the first time around 6:30.
Can I just say that the smell of roast beef cooking at 6:30 in the morning is a little incongruous?
I lay there in the dark, trying to figure out why the whole house smelled like roast beef, or if, perhaps, I was still dreaming.
I woke again a few hours later to the buzzing of my phone.
L was calling from England, and we passed about an hour laughing and talking and catching up on each other's lives.
There was something truly lovely about starting the day laughing and talking with a dear friend far away.
Eventually, after getting the laundry started, I ventured upstairs to make breakfast and discovered a leftover roasting pan.
Clearly, Grandma was making roast beef at 6:30 this morning.
The question of why this was a logical time to make a roast, remains unanswered.
Maybe it's just because she's 80.
There are a lot of things that happen in this house that seem to only happen because she's 80.
Roast beef before dawn is only the most recent installment.
You stop asking after a while.
And with that, I'm off to tackle the rest of the usual Sunday morning chores before heading out to spend the day celebrating my mom.
Blessed
I took the "Poppy Test" this morning, and these were the results, which made me smile. I'm not totally sure I am that person. But in some ways (except maybe for being my own best teacher - I rather prefer feedback from others) this is the sort of person I'm aiming to be. More happy, more thankful, more aware that I really am blessed.
| You Are Blessed |
 You are a naturally grateful person. You believe it's important to be thankful for whatever you have. You've gained the most by traveling down your own path in life. You are a naturally spiritual person. You are your own best teacher. You try to figure out what you need and then give it to yourself. On a good day, you really shine. Luckily, most of your days are good days. |
Daily 5 - Day 268
Today's Daily 5:
- Lazy morning
- Taking photos of photos
- Dinner at Chili's
- Hanging out with my family
- Laughter
Saturday, May 08, 2010
Saturday Things
I started the morning lazily and slowly, laying awake in bed, puttering on my computer and watching some television online for several hours.
Fruit for breakfast. Raspberries and Blackberries.
A shower.
Some self-pampering.
Then mom picked me up, I helped with a bit of baking for the upcoming wedding.
I started the process of shortening a pair of pants.
I remembered why I haven't shortened pants myself in well over a year, and why I prefer to pay someone else to do it.
I remembered that I don't like ironing either.
(And I haven't even gotten to the hand-stitching part of the hemming process. That's the part I like the least.)
I cobbled together a costume for L's bachelorette party tonight.
Have I ever mentioned here that I am NOT a fan of games? Any games really.
Particularly role-playing or acting type games.
Or really anything that requires me to wear a costume and draw attention to myself.
I'll happily watch others play, but please don't make me play.
(Except maybe Dutch Blitz, and one or two word games. I don't mind those.)
We're doing a role-playing, acting, murder mystery game for the bachelorette, because she loves those sorts of games.
And I'm playing the role of a man.
Perfect.
(Can you feel my misery at the prospect?)
At least I get dinner at a restaurant I really enjoy out of the process.
Being in a wedding party, I've decided, is an expensive endeavor.
There are so many more gifts and clothes that must be purchased and parties that must be attended.
I did however try a new "instant" lunch that I'd purchased a while back.
Thai peanut rice noodles.
Very tasty, but could use some vegetables.
I'll add those next time for effect.
I also took photos of photos.
Scanning them didn't work out so well, so I photographed about 70 childhood photos of T and L.
Tomorrow and the remainder of the evenings that I'm free until their wedding will be dedicated to putting those photos and quite a lot of others into a slideshow for their wedding reception.
And with that, I'm off to find something to snack on, and maybe do a little bit of reading before I dive head-long into the unique "joys" of this evening's plans.
I'll be back later with a daily 5 list!
Fruit for breakfast. Raspberries and Blackberries.
A shower.
Some self-pampering.
Then mom picked me up, I helped with a bit of baking for the upcoming wedding.
I started the process of shortening a pair of pants.
I remembered why I haven't shortened pants myself in well over a year, and why I prefer to pay someone else to do it.
I remembered that I don't like ironing either.
(And I haven't even gotten to the hand-stitching part of the hemming process. That's the part I like the least.)
I cobbled together a costume for L's bachelorette party tonight.
Have I ever mentioned here that I am NOT a fan of games? Any games really.
Particularly role-playing or acting type games.
Or really anything that requires me to wear a costume and draw attention to myself.
I'll happily watch others play, but please don't make me play.
(Except maybe Dutch Blitz, and one or two word games. I don't mind those.)
We're doing a role-playing, acting, murder mystery game for the bachelorette, because she loves those sorts of games.
And I'm playing the role of a man.
Perfect.
(Can you feel my misery at the prospect?)
At least I get dinner at a restaurant I really enjoy out of the process.
Being in a wedding party, I've decided, is an expensive endeavor.
There are so many more gifts and clothes that must be purchased and parties that must be attended.
I did however try a new "instant" lunch that I'd purchased a while back.
Thai peanut rice noodles.
Very tasty, but could use some vegetables.
I'll add those next time for effect.
I also took photos of photos.
Scanning them didn't work out so well, so I photographed about 70 childhood photos of T and L.
Tomorrow and the remainder of the evenings that I'm free until their wedding will be dedicated to putting those photos and quite a lot of others into a slideshow for their wedding reception.
And with that, I'm off to find something to snack on, and maybe do a little bit of reading before I dive head-long into the unique "joys" of this evening's plans.
I'll be back later with a daily 5 list!
How Adventurous?
I actually thought the results of this one were semi-accurate to me. I like to have adventures. I just prefer that they're somewhat planned and not going on all the time!
| You Are Adventurous |
 You are quite adventurous and brave, but you are also reasonable about it. You don't have to be on an adventure 24/7. You have good judgment and balance. You like to try new and exciting things, but you also pay attention to risk. You're not the type of person who would throw your life away just to go on a new trip or have a new romantic partner. You like your thrills in small, safe doses. You are gutsy in all aspects of your life from career to relationships. |
Friday, May 07, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 267
Today's Daily 5:
- Wearing jeans at work
- the moment of waking up and realizing that it was Friday and I can turn my alarm off for the weekend
- Getting so distracted by checking email on my phone that I missed my bus stop and had to get off at the next stop, and discovered that the next stop is a shorter walk to the station where I catch the train.
- the roses I was given yesterday opening overnight and smelling lovely in my office
- sold my car today. this is kind of bittersweet.
- The insurance company actually admitted their mistake in quoting me. And, not only did they admit it, but because of it they waived some contractual fees, and instead of owing them money as they initially told me, I'm getting a refund. Sort of small consolation, but it is helpful.
- The Treasure Madness game on facebook
- iphone
- Kit-Kat bars
- green grapes
Lighten Up on Yourself
I am not Elizabeth Gilbert's biggest fan. I don't dislike her, but I've got to tell you, her book "Eat, Pray, Love", the major bestseller, underwhelmed me. I didn't really like it. And I LOVE that sort of spiritual/personal memoir genre. I read a ton of them every year.
I did really like the talk she gave on thinking creatively for TED.
I am enjoying (to some extent anyway) the audio book of her more recent memoir, "Committed".
But I really liked this article that I came across this morning, advising women everywhere that perhaps they can't be superwoman, and to maybe lighten up on themselves.
I did really like the talk she gave on thinking creatively for TED.
I am enjoying (to some extent anyway) the audio book of her more recent memoir, "Committed".
But I really liked this article that I came across this morning, advising women everywhere that perhaps they can't be superwoman, and to maybe lighten up on themselves.
Tattoos, Car sales and evening plans
I'm hanging out at my parent's house for a while tonight.
Mooching a free dinner.
Selling my car to my brother J.
For exactly what I paid for it.
He's getting an even better deal than I did, because I paid for a few minor repairs.
But I don't feel right selling it for more than I paid.
It was sold to me as a gift of sorts.
And it feels wrong to make a profit on someone's generosity to me.
Apparently I'm also going to get to check out J's new tattoo.
I found out about the tattoo in a text message this morning, informing me he'd show me tonight.
It seems the king of impermance has had something permanently inked on his body.
I'm WAY curious to find out what it is that made the grade for permanence.
I'm still hoping to get my first tattoo later this year.
Probably to celebrate the 5th anniversary of my healing from depression
And then home, and staring at a wedding slideshow.
Watching a little television via the internet while I putter with the pictures.
And then hoping for rest.
Mooching a free dinner.
Selling my car to my brother J.
For exactly what I paid for it.
He's getting an even better deal than I did, because I paid for a few minor repairs.
But I don't feel right selling it for more than I paid.
It was sold to me as a gift of sorts.
And it feels wrong to make a profit on someone's generosity to me.
Apparently I'm also going to get to check out J's new tattoo.
I found out about the tattoo in a text message this morning, informing me he'd show me tonight.
It seems the king of impermance has had something permanently inked on his body.
I'm WAY curious to find out what it is that made the grade for permanence.
I'm still hoping to get my first tattoo later this year.
Probably to celebrate the 5th anniversary of my healing from depression
And then home, and staring at a wedding slideshow.
Watching a little television via the internet while I putter with the pictures.
And then hoping for rest.
New Recipe Project Update
Here's the update on the new recipe project.
The goal is to make at least two brand new recipes a year (either something I've never eaten before, or a recipe I've had somewhere else, but never made on my own.)
For April, the new recipes were as follows (unfortunately, I don't have photographic proof of these ones at the moment... need to check my camera at home, maybe there are photos there!):
- Chocolate-Coconut Macaroons
- Hot-Crossed Buns
- Blackberry Cobbler
This is Tomato-Beef Chowder. L and I used to cook it all the time, but she always made it. It was her recipe. We were both surprised when I actually liked this soup. First, because I don't tend to like soup. Second, because it has ground beef and is tomato based, and I don't love either of those things either. But I really like it, and now that L. has moved to the UK for a while, I wrote her asking for the soup recipe. When she sent it, I immediately set out to make it as soon as possible. That was last on Wednesday. And it was so tasty!
A Good Way to Start a Morning
Fridays just tend to be good days.
They almost invariably start with one of my favorite sensations of all time. That moment, when, as you're groaning because your alarm has gone off and you're just not quite ready to face the day, you realize, as you reach to turn the alarm off, that, today, instead of just resetting it for 24 hours later, you can actually turn it off for the next 72 hours.
Then, there comes another of my favorite moments. The realization that this is the day I get to wear jeans at the office. It happens once a week, but every time it feels like a moment worth celebrating. This is the moment I've been planning for all week as I stare in my closet, trying to figure out what the heck I'm going to wear for another day of business casual at work. And then Friday arrives, and the only decision is whether I feel like dressing my jeans up or down that day. Because the favorite part of the outfit, my most comfortable pants, a pair of jeans, is already decided.
This particular Friday held a surprise, too, as I stepped out the door to begin the walk to the bus. There is blue sky. Hours later, the blue sky is already filling again with rain clouds, but that moment when I was greeted by the sun instead of the dull greyness of the last few weeks was lovely.
The roses my coworker gave me had opened more overnight, and greeted me when I arrived at my desk.
I started the morning with a bowl of apple cinnamon oatmeal and a mug of pomegranate green tea.
It's been a good way to start a day.
Here's to Friday, and the weekend it hints at!
They almost invariably start with one of my favorite sensations of all time. That moment, when, as you're groaning because your alarm has gone off and you're just not quite ready to face the day, you realize, as you reach to turn the alarm off, that, today, instead of just resetting it for 24 hours later, you can actually turn it off for the next 72 hours.
Then, there comes another of my favorite moments. The realization that this is the day I get to wear jeans at the office. It happens once a week, but every time it feels like a moment worth celebrating. This is the moment I've been planning for all week as I stare in my closet, trying to figure out what the heck I'm going to wear for another day of business casual at work. And then Friday arrives, and the only decision is whether I feel like dressing my jeans up or down that day. Because the favorite part of the outfit, my most comfortable pants, a pair of jeans, is already decided.
This particular Friday held a surprise, too, as I stepped out the door to begin the walk to the bus. There is blue sky. Hours later, the blue sky is already filling again with rain clouds, but that moment when I was greeted by the sun instead of the dull greyness of the last few weeks was lovely.
The roses my coworker gave me had opened more overnight, and greeted me when I arrived at my desk.
I started the morning with a bowl of apple cinnamon oatmeal and a mug of pomegranate green tea.
It's been a good way to start a day.
Here's to Friday, and the weekend it hints at!
Thursday, May 06, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 266
Today's Daily 5:
- Luke 8
- Feeling like something lifted overnight. Feeling hope rising again.
- Oatmeal for breakfast
- A friend and co-worker who knows how a rough a time I've had these last few weeks brought me a bouquet of a dozen pink roses at work this morning.
- Macdonalds for supper. No mocking me. Sometimes I just enjoy a really unhealthy meal. And tonight I did.
- Loving the newest book I'm reading - "I am Hutterite." As books that I'm reviewing for booksneeze.com go, this one is way more readable and engaging (at least for me) than "The Hole in our Gospel." (which, incidentally, I heard this week, won a "Christian book of the year" prize, so maybe I was the only one who didn't think it was all that great.)
- House Church tonight was fabulous. It was so great to be surrounded by friends, to pray for and with them, and be prayed for.
- Still loving the iphone
- I have an upcoming opportunity to escape Grandma's for a couple weeks and house sit. Still waiting on the details, but delighted by the timing.
- Tomorrow is Friday!
Look What Appeared in My Office This Morning!
A friend and coworker brought me this bouquet of roses to cheer me up amidst the rough week I've been having. I love them! (I loved the hug that came with them too!)
Good Stuff - Thursday Edition
Are you a slacktivist? at Donald Miller's blog raises some good questions.
I liked this Q & A with former First Lady, Rosalynn Carter, about the mental health crisis in America.
I liked this Q & A with former First Lady, Rosalynn Carter, about the mental health crisis in America.
Hope Rising
I don't know what it is yet, or how to explain it, but it feels like something shifted overnight.
Maybe it was just spending the evening with my parents, doing normal things. Making a new recipe. Chatting with them about their vacation. Buying groceries with mom. Getting a hug. There's something about a hug from mom that just makes the world seem better.
Maybe it was rediscovering all over again some favorite lines of Scripture, as I worked through the daily readings I'm doing right now on the train. (Hello, beauty of an iphone - don't have to cart a Bible with me.) Lines like, "Pay attention to how you hear..." and "When the woman realized that she could not stay hidden..."
Maybe it was a relatively okay sleep for a change.
Maybe my meds are finally kicking in and balancing things out again.
Maybe it was knowing that I can get a ride home from house church tonight, and the reassurance that gives me for all the weeks to come, in the days of not having a car.
Maybe it's the roses that a coworker and friend who knew how rough the last few weeks have been, showed up with as a gift for me this morning.
Maybe it's returning to the routine of oatmeal for breakfast, in my office. And taking vitamins that definitely help my mood management too. Especially since I forgot those same vitatmins at home yesterday.
Maybe it was laughing at childhood pictures of my brother and his soon to be wife. Pictures that I brought with me today to scan and use in the slideshow I'm preparing for their wedding.
Maybe it was some combination of all of those things.
Whatever it is, hope is rising. And that is the most hopeful feeling of all.
Maybe it was just spending the evening with my parents, doing normal things. Making a new recipe. Chatting with them about their vacation. Buying groceries with mom. Getting a hug. There's something about a hug from mom that just makes the world seem better.
Maybe it was rediscovering all over again some favorite lines of Scripture, as I worked through the daily readings I'm doing right now on the train. (Hello, beauty of an iphone - don't have to cart a Bible with me.) Lines like, "Pay attention to how you hear..." and "When the woman realized that she could not stay hidden..."
Maybe it was a relatively okay sleep for a change.
Maybe my meds are finally kicking in and balancing things out again.
Maybe it was knowing that I can get a ride home from house church tonight, and the reassurance that gives me for all the weeks to come, in the days of not having a car.
Maybe it's the roses that a coworker and friend who knew how rough the last few weeks have been, showed up with as a gift for me this morning.
Maybe it's returning to the routine of oatmeal for breakfast, in my office. And taking vitamins that definitely help my mood management too. Especially since I forgot those same vitatmins at home yesterday.
Maybe it was laughing at childhood pictures of my brother and his soon to be wife. Pictures that I brought with me today to scan and use in the slideshow I'm preparing for their wedding.
Maybe it was some combination of all of those things.
Whatever it is, hope is rising. And that is the most hopeful feeling of all.
Wednesday, May 05, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 265
Today's Daily 5:
- Miss Vickie's Sweet Chili & Sour Cream potato chips
- Pomegranate green tea
- Cooked my first new recipe for the month of May tonight at Mom and Dad's house
- A hug from my mom
- a quiet evening with my parents, cooking, visiting, and just generally feeling the reassurance that family offers in a way other people don't.
Messy
I think I recoil from being the messy one.
It's ironic, really. I've advocated for the value of honest and messy for years now.
But I have an aversion to it, too, from all those years of depression.
A learned response to being the person others drew back from.
It wasn't their fault, or mine. But it was and is hard to remember that.
That it wasn't me they were retreating from, so much as the questions and uncertainties my own issues raised within them.
The questions the seemingly unanswered prayers for help and healing raised.
I know about those questions. I lived them too.
But it's left me with a seeming aversion to messy.
I get tired of it quickly.
The emotional valleys. The swinging moods. The tears.
I hesitate to share it.
I tell myself that that is out of concern for others. I'd rather not stir their questions.
But more selfishly, I'd rather others not see my own questions, my own brokenness.
And I fear, too, a return to depression.
I have trouble leaning into, trusting, the promise of Romans, "The gifts of God are irrevocable."
Even my healing.
And I hide.
From myself.
And others.
I'm needing to make peace with messy again.
To remind myself of extenuating circumstances.
To lean into trusting.
To believe that this, too, shall pass.
To hope.
I started thinking about all of this simply because of a stupid goal.
I'd like to go a full day, sometime in the next week, without bursting into sobs.
Because I'd feel more together if I did that.
Less messy.
Time to reconcile with messy again, apparently.
It's never pretty, but sometimes so necessary.
It's ironic, really. I've advocated for the value of honest and messy for years now.
But I have an aversion to it, too, from all those years of depression.
A learned response to being the person others drew back from.
It wasn't their fault, or mine. But it was and is hard to remember that.
That it wasn't me they were retreating from, so much as the questions and uncertainties my own issues raised within them.
The questions the seemingly unanswered prayers for help and healing raised.
I know about those questions. I lived them too.
But it's left me with a seeming aversion to messy.
I get tired of it quickly.
The emotional valleys. The swinging moods. The tears.
I hesitate to share it.
I tell myself that that is out of concern for others. I'd rather not stir their questions.
But more selfishly, I'd rather others not see my own questions, my own brokenness.
And I fear, too, a return to depression.
I have trouble leaning into, trusting, the promise of Romans, "The gifts of God are irrevocable."
Even my healing.
And I hide.
From myself.
And others.
I'm needing to make peace with messy again.
To remind myself of extenuating circumstances.
To lean into trusting.
To believe that this, too, shall pass.
To hope.
I started thinking about all of this simply because of a stupid goal.
I'd like to go a full day, sometime in the next week, without bursting into sobs.
Because I'd feel more together if I did that.
Less messy.
Time to reconcile with messy again, apparently.
It's never pretty, but sometimes so necessary.
Really Good Stuff
It seemed like there was a plethora of good stuff out there in the blogging world today, as I made my morning rounds.
Stuff I liked included:
Seth Godin's post on consumer debt. Amen and amen. I did some calculating on the weekend, and, given my soon to be carless state, and assuming (a big assumption right now) that there aren't some sudden changes to my living arrangements, I will be out of debt (except for my student loans) within a year. That, even despite how crappy the situation is that is bringing it about, brought a huge smile to my face.
The post at Homestead Revival on the family budget. Let me just be clear - I have no intention whatsoever of raising chickens or goats to save money. (These would actually likely cost me money, since I rarely eat eggs and I don't drink milk.) I probably wouldn't use a lot of her listed tips. But, I like the idea of living more naturally and saving money while doing so.
The "Equal Weight" post at Gitzen Girl. I've only been reading Sara's blog for a little while, but I've come to appreciate her words, and I look forward to the moment when my blog reader lets me know that there's a new post up and ready to be enjoyed. And not just because I'm absolutely in love (given my daily 5 lists and ongoing goals for the year) with her tagline of "Choose Joy." I particularly liked this post today because of the message it spoke to. Yes, take risks, but consider them, too. I feel like that's a concept I've been weighing this last week as I've navigated the loss of a car that is coming within the next few days. What are the things that are positive in this? And am I letting myself properly grieve the losses too?
Today's "Serious Wednesday" post at Stuff Christians Like. Because I'm definitely guilty of resisting rest. I talked about that yesterday while reflecting on my friend's reminder to be gentle with myself. And because I'm in the process of figuring out a way to really set aside a much needed day or two to just rest sometime this month.
Stuff I liked included:
Seth Godin's post on consumer debt. Amen and amen. I did some calculating on the weekend, and, given my soon to be carless state, and assuming (a big assumption right now) that there aren't some sudden changes to my living arrangements, I will be out of debt (except for my student loans) within a year. That, even despite how crappy the situation is that is bringing it about, brought a huge smile to my face.
The post at Homestead Revival on the family budget. Let me just be clear - I have no intention whatsoever of raising chickens or goats to save money. (These would actually likely cost me money, since I rarely eat eggs and I don't drink milk.) I probably wouldn't use a lot of her listed tips. But, I like the idea of living more naturally and saving money while doing so.
The "Equal Weight" post at Gitzen Girl. I've only been reading Sara's blog for a little while, but I've come to appreciate her words, and I look forward to the moment when my blog reader lets me know that there's a new post up and ready to be enjoyed. And not just because I'm absolutely in love (given my daily 5 lists and ongoing goals for the year) with her tagline of "Choose Joy." I particularly liked this post today because of the message it spoke to. Yes, take risks, but consider them, too. I feel like that's a concept I've been weighing this last week as I've navigated the loss of a car that is coming within the next few days. What are the things that are positive in this? And am I letting myself properly grieve the losses too?
Today's "Serious Wednesday" post at Stuff Christians Like. Because I'm definitely guilty of resisting rest. I talked about that yesterday while reflecting on my friend's reminder to be gentle with myself. And because I'm in the process of figuring out a way to really set aside a much needed day or two to just rest sometime this month.
I Like Lemons, what else you got?
For the last week or so, I've been thinking about a quote that I read in the first of the "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" novels a number of years ago. Each chapter in that book started with a quote of some sort or other, and one chapter started with the following quote:
"If life hands you lemons, say, 'I like lemons. What else you got?'" (Henry Rollins)
Along the same lines, the following quote appeared in my email this morning:
"If life gives you limes, make margaritas." (Jimmy Buffett)
I've definitely had my share of lemons (or limes!) this last week. Like I wrote yesterday, it has seemed at times that the world has been conspiring against me. I was thinking about that supposed conspiracy again this morning as I trekked through the inch or so of snow that fell overnight again.
And yet, that quote has come to mind over and over.
"I like lemons. What else you got?"
Let's ignore for a moment that I actually don't really like lemon (or limes, or margaritas for that matter!), and focus on the sentiment.
Even in this, find joy.
Even in this, give thanks.
In my saner moments, I can do that.
I had been contemplating reducing my driving as much as possible anyway, because driving stresses me out, and because city transit really is better for the environment.
For the first time in my life, I'd been enjoying taking the train and bus. Finding transit a good place to think and rest and read.
The day before I got the call about my insurance, I bought an iphone, to make transit an even better experience.
I've felt cushioned at moments, from this latest blow.
Sort of at peace. In a moment when being at peace doesn't make sense.
That being said, my mom is back in town, and tonight, (if last night with my baby brother is any indication), I'll likely cry my eyes out in disappointment and exhaustion. Probably as soon as I hear her voice and collect a hug.
And then, then I'm going to pull myself back together, and try again to adopt the "I like lemons, what else you got?" attitude that I feel like Jesus has been placing before me for the last week and a bit.
I'll remind myself that every day is a day closer to feeling physically better as my medication has time to readjust my hormone levels to a manageable state. I'll remind myself that I'm only a couple days from a weekend, and I can do some sleeping and resting. I'll choose again to celebrate the happy things. And I'll probably pull my iphone out of my pocket and check my email or facebook. Because doing that on the go, anywhere I am, is still bringing a guaranteed smile to my face.
"If life hands you lemons, say, 'I like lemons. What else you got?'" (Henry Rollins)
Along the same lines, the following quote appeared in my email this morning:
"If life gives you limes, make margaritas." (Jimmy Buffett)
I've definitely had my share of lemons (or limes!) this last week. Like I wrote yesterday, it has seemed at times that the world has been conspiring against me. I was thinking about that supposed conspiracy again this morning as I trekked through the inch or so of snow that fell overnight again.
And yet, that quote has come to mind over and over.
"I like lemons. What else you got?"
Let's ignore for a moment that I actually don't really like lemon (or limes, or margaritas for that matter!), and focus on the sentiment.
Even in this, find joy.
Even in this, give thanks.
In my saner moments, I can do that.
I had been contemplating reducing my driving as much as possible anyway, because driving stresses me out, and because city transit really is better for the environment.
For the first time in my life, I'd been enjoying taking the train and bus. Finding transit a good place to think and rest and read.
The day before I got the call about my insurance, I bought an iphone, to make transit an even better experience.
I've felt cushioned at moments, from this latest blow.
Sort of at peace. In a moment when being at peace doesn't make sense.
That being said, my mom is back in town, and tonight, (if last night with my baby brother is any indication), I'll likely cry my eyes out in disappointment and exhaustion. Probably as soon as I hear her voice and collect a hug.
And then, then I'm going to pull myself back together, and try again to adopt the "I like lemons, what else you got?" attitude that I feel like Jesus has been placing before me for the last week and a bit.
I'll remind myself that every day is a day closer to feeling physically better as my medication has time to readjust my hormone levels to a manageable state. I'll remind myself that I'm only a couple days from a weekend, and I can do some sleeping and resting. I'll choose again to celebrate the happy things. And I'll probably pull my iphone out of my pocket and check my email or facebook. Because doing that on the go, anywhere I am, is still bringing a guaranteed smile to my face.
Tuesday, May 04, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 264
Today's Daily 5:
- A new phone cord at work. After years of one that tangles and pulls the whole phone set with it when I lean over to answer a call, this new, untangled one is truly lovely.
- I loved this. I might have to visit a village where books grow on trees! :)
- What was probably the last "brother/sister date" before my brother is no longer a single man.
- A drive outside the city.
- A baby foal, alongside it's mother
- just talking and driving
- doing a few errands together
- a sleep without a nightmare
- seeing deer as we drove
- knowing that even though it doesn't feel it, the meds will kick in soon, and I'll start to feel better.
Quoting the Saints
A collection of quotes from various saints that have built up in my inbox the last while...
Cling to his most sweet Mother, who carried a Son whom the heavens could not contain; and yet she carried him in the little enclosure of her holy womb and held him on her virginal lap. (Saint Clare of Assisi)
Advent is such a beautiful season. It is a time for renewal; it is especially a time for forgiveness, because God brings his forgiveness to us in the shape of his Son. (Catherine de Hueck Doherty)
Prayer is an uplifting of the heart, a cry of gratitude and love. (Saint Therese of Lisieux)
Mary's pregnancy is a period of unbroken contemplation, of continual attention to the Son. And yet, it is a time of action, for she went to Elizabeth in order to bring the Son to her, the gift she had received from God to hand on to others. (Adrienne von Speyr)
Those who hearts are pure at the temples of the Holy Spirit. (Saint Lucy)
You must refuse nothing you recognize to be his will. (Saint Jane Frances de Chantal)
To surrender oneself is more than to devote oneself, more than to give oneself, it is even something more than to abandon oneself to God. In a word, to surrender oneself is to die to everything and to self, to be no longer concerned with self except to keep it continually turned toward God. (Saint Marie-Victoire Couderc)
If you invoke the Holy Spirit with a humble and trusting heart, filled with good desires, he will descend with his blessed light and inflaming fire. He will come and penetrate into the very center of your heart, purifying it, changing it, enlightening it, inflaming it, and consuming it with the flames of his holy and divine love. (Saint Frances Xaveir Cabrini)
Our body is a cenacle, a monstrance: through its crystal, the world should see God. (Saint Gianna Beretta Molla)
I would advise those who practice prayer, especially at first, to cultivate the friendship and company of others who are working in the same way. This is a most important thing, because we can help one another by our prayers, and all the more so because it may bring us even greater benefits. (Saint Teresa of Avila)
Love is a mystery that transforms everything it touches into things beautiful and pleasing to God. The love of God makes a soul free. (Saint Faustina Kowalska)
Cling to his most sweet Mother, who carried a Son whom the heavens could not contain; and yet she carried him in the little enclosure of her holy womb and held him on her virginal lap. (Saint Clare of Assisi)
Advent is such a beautiful season. It is a time for renewal; it is especially a time for forgiveness, because God brings his forgiveness to us in the shape of his Son. (Catherine de Hueck Doherty)
Prayer is an uplifting of the heart, a cry of gratitude and love. (Saint Therese of Lisieux)
Mary's pregnancy is a period of unbroken contemplation, of continual attention to the Son. And yet, it is a time of action, for she went to Elizabeth in order to bring the Son to her, the gift she had received from God to hand on to others. (Adrienne von Speyr)
Those who hearts are pure at the temples of the Holy Spirit. (Saint Lucy)
You must refuse nothing you recognize to be his will. (Saint Jane Frances de Chantal)
To surrender oneself is more than to devote oneself, more than to give oneself, it is even something more than to abandon oneself to God. In a word, to surrender oneself is to die to everything and to self, to be no longer concerned with self except to keep it continually turned toward God. (Saint Marie-Victoire Couderc)
If you invoke the Holy Spirit with a humble and trusting heart, filled with good desires, he will descend with his blessed light and inflaming fire. He will come and penetrate into the very center of your heart, purifying it, changing it, enlightening it, inflaming it, and consuming it with the flames of his holy and divine love. (Saint Frances Xaveir Cabrini)
Our body is a cenacle, a monstrance: through its crystal, the world should see God. (Saint Gianna Beretta Molla)
I would advise those who practice prayer, especially at first, to cultivate the friendship and company of others who are working in the same way. This is a most important thing, because we can help one another by our prayers, and all the more so because it may bring us even greater benefits. (Saint Teresa of Avila)
Love is a mystery that transforms everything it touches into things beautiful and pleasing to God. The love of God makes a soul free. (Saint Faustina Kowalska)
Conspiring Against Me
(with my tongue in my cheek...)
Am I the only one who has moments of feeling like all of heaven and earth is conspiring against me, determined to keep me in a bad mood?
Because I've been feeling like that this last week or two.
My usual support system has temporarily dwindled, thanks to various travels of friends and family.
I was off the medication that helps regulate the hormonal bottoming out of my mood.
And to top it off, we've had almost no sunny weather. Like none. And we have a winter storm warning again today. As I look out my window it's snowing and grey. I'm sensitive to the weather, and, right at this moment, would give quite a lot for a sunny day.
For spring.
Which I believe is coming, and is here. But doesn't look anything like what I think spring should look like, or least doesn't look like that at the moment.
So, all totally random factors, but the combination thereof has been a little bit overwhelming.
(Read: All I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry and sleep for days.)
I'm sure that heaven and earth really aren't all that concerned about conspiring against me, but there are most definitely moments when I feel like they are!
Am I the only one who has moments of feeling like all of heaven and earth is conspiring against me, determined to keep me in a bad mood?
Because I've been feeling like that this last week or two.
My usual support system has temporarily dwindled, thanks to various travels of friends and family.
I was off the medication that helps regulate the hormonal bottoming out of my mood.
And to top it off, we've had almost no sunny weather. Like none. And we have a winter storm warning again today. As I look out my window it's snowing and grey. I'm sensitive to the weather, and, right at this moment, would give quite a lot for a sunny day.
For spring.
Which I believe is coming, and is here. But doesn't look anything like what I think spring should look like, or least doesn't look like that at the moment.
So, all totally random factors, but the combination thereof has been a little bit overwhelming.
(Read: All I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry and sleep for days.)
I'm sure that heaven and earth really aren't all that concerned about conspiring against me, but there are most definitely moments when I feel like they are!
Be Gentle with Yourself
Yesterday, after I'd shared the nightmare I woke from with a dear friend, one of her pieces of advice was to be gentle with myself physically. That, for me, is a helpful reminder. It seems like common sense. I'd been denied several hours of sleep, and gone through an adrenaline rushing, emotionally challenging experience - why wouldn't I care for myself. But, because sleep issues and even dreams are so often a part of my reality, I forget that sometimes it's okay to give myself a little bit extra grace.
I tried to do that yesterday.
It was, quite honestly, a pretty hard day. Even now, if I close my eyes and let it, the images and physicality of the dream return. The strange newness of a series of themes that have long been a part of my dream life. Their invasion from neutral space into very personal space.
I tried to focus on other things.
I took the advice of my friend, and prayed through some specific scriptures. Especially Psalm 91. I giggled when I emailed her later in the day to say that a passage from Acts had been coming to mind each time I prayed Psalm 91, and she wrote back to say that she'd also had that passage on her heart after hearing my dream, but hadn't shared it with me.
I ate red meat. That doesn't seem like much, but I don't actually eat a whole lot of red meat, and it's one of the things that sticks out from yesterday as a "thing done right". I've always preferred chicken to beef. But, when my body is depleted, when I'm physically exhausted, I tend to crave red meat. Steak preferably, or maybe a really good burger. So, last night, in my exhausted state, I sat in a pub with a friend, staring at the menu, debating options, and asked my stomach whether it would prefer chicken or steak. The resounding answer was steak. Which, in combination with the tomato-meat sauce over pasta that I had for lunch yesterday, means I had two full meals with red meat and hearty proteins.
I worked not to indulge in sugar, and continue to fight the cycle of feeding stress and exhaustion with chocolate, and then having an even worse energy crash when the sugar high bottoms out.
I still have my car for a few more days, but I looked at the weather forecast for today and gave myself permission not to drive last night. We're having snow and icy rain again, and I didn't want to drive in that last night, or this morning. So I left my car where it was parked at my parent's house, and took the bus home from the train station last night, and the bus to the train station this morning.
I gave myself permission not to freak out over the things left undone on my "to do" list for the day. Because there were quite a few. Not only because I was so drained, but because I had plans to meet a friend that would take some time. I'm sort of task oriented, and I get great satisfaction from checking items off my list. But last night that just didn't really happen.
When I got home earlier than expected, that, too, was a gift, giving me time to quiet myself and pray through my bedroom, to calm myself and find God's peace in such a way that I wasn't afraid to close my eyes and try again for sleep. And it was definitely better to use the time for that than for checking items off a list.
For those of you who prayed last night, thank you. I slept a bit better. I still woke around 4:30, and only sort of dozed after that, but I didn't have a repeat nightmare. Unless you've had these sorts of nightmares, I'm not sure you can fully understand how much of a gift of grace and blessing that really is. I'm still tired, still drained, but I see light. There are good things happening as this week progresses.
I came across this quote on Kelle's blog the other day, and it's what I'm aiming for as this week and life carries on:
"I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance; to live so that which comes to me as seed goes to the next as blossom and that which comes to me as blossom, goes on as fruit."
-Dawna Markova
I tried to do that yesterday.
It was, quite honestly, a pretty hard day. Even now, if I close my eyes and let it, the images and physicality of the dream return. The strange newness of a series of themes that have long been a part of my dream life. Their invasion from neutral space into very personal space.
I tried to focus on other things.
I took the advice of my friend, and prayed through some specific scriptures. Especially Psalm 91. I giggled when I emailed her later in the day to say that a passage from Acts had been coming to mind each time I prayed Psalm 91, and she wrote back to say that she'd also had that passage on her heart after hearing my dream, but hadn't shared it with me.
I ate red meat. That doesn't seem like much, but I don't actually eat a whole lot of red meat, and it's one of the things that sticks out from yesterday as a "thing done right". I've always preferred chicken to beef. But, when my body is depleted, when I'm physically exhausted, I tend to crave red meat. Steak preferably, or maybe a really good burger. So, last night, in my exhausted state, I sat in a pub with a friend, staring at the menu, debating options, and asked my stomach whether it would prefer chicken or steak. The resounding answer was steak. Which, in combination with the tomato-meat sauce over pasta that I had for lunch yesterday, means I had two full meals with red meat and hearty proteins.
I worked not to indulge in sugar, and continue to fight the cycle of feeding stress and exhaustion with chocolate, and then having an even worse energy crash when the sugar high bottoms out.
I still have my car for a few more days, but I looked at the weather forecast for today and gave myself permission not to drive last night. We're having snow and icy rain again, and I didn't want to drive in that last night, or this morning. So I left my car where it was parked at my parent's house, and took the bus home from the train station last night, and the bus to the train station this morning.
I gave myself permission not to freak out over the things left undone on my "to do" list for the day. Because there were quite a few. Not only because I was so drained, but because I had plans to meet a friend that would take some time. I'm sort of task oriented, and I get great satisfaction from checking items off my list. But last night that just didn't really happen.
When I got home earlier than expected, that, too, was a gift, giving me time to quiet myself and pray through my bedroom, to calm myself and find God's peace in such a way that I wasn't afraid to close my eyes and try again for sleep. And it was definitely better to use the time for that than for checking items off a list.
For those of you who prayed last night, thank you. I slept a bit better. I still woke around 4:30, and only sort of dozed after that, but I didn't have a repeat nightmare. Unless you've had these sorts of nightmares, I'm not sure you can fully understand how much of a gift of grace and blessing that really is. I'm still tired, still drained, but I see light. There are good things happening as this week progresses.
I came across this quote on Kelle's blog the other day, and it's what I'm aiming for as this week and life carries on:
"I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance; to live so that which comes to me as seed goes to the next as blossom and that which comes to me as blossom, goes on as fruit."
-Dawna Markova
Monday, May 03, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 263
Today's Daily 5:
- Fresh red bark mulch in a flower bed I walked by this morning
- Made it through a really challenging day
- The scent of frankincense
- A lit candle
- steak sandwich in a pub for supper
- dinner with a friend
- iphone
- wore my hair in leftover braids from the wedding hair practice today
- prayers and scripture and advice from a dear friend
- Remembering to somehow trust, even after a really rough day and night
Fear the Deer
Let me clear that I know nothing about whatever sport it is that has the "Fear the Deer" chant in Wisconsin. Actually, as I just demonstrated, I don't even know what sport it is that we're dealing with.
I am, however, always amused when crazy news stories come out of Wisconsin, mostly because my mom was born and raised there, and we love to tease her that those from Wisconsin are a truly strange and unique breed.
With that said, this news story made me smile today. (And send it via email for my mom's reading pleasure on her return from holidays later this week.)
I am, however, always amused when crazy news stories come out of Wisconsin, mostly because my mom was born and raised there, and we love to tease her that those from Wisconsin are a truly strange and unique breed.
With that said, this news story made me smile today. (And send it via email for my mom's reading pleasure on her return from holidays later this week.)
Thankful
It has taken me most of the day thus far to shake off the effects of this morning's dream.
It's still there, but with less strength, and I'm thankful for that.
I'm thankful for the reminder from scripture a dear friend sent to me, with advice on how to pray through this particular dream.
I'm thankful for a number of other friends who said they'd be praying for me today.
And I'm working to just keep pushing it away.
To remind myself that where there is light, there cannot be darkness.
Some times with more success than others.
But some success is worth being thankful for too.
It's still there, but with less strength, and I'm thankful for that.
I'm thankful for the reminder from scripture a dear friend sent to me, with advice on how to pray through this particular dream.
I'm thankful for a number of other friends who said they'd be praying for me today.
And I'm working to just keep pushing it away.
To remind myself that where there is light, there cannot be darkness.
Some times with more success than others.
But some success is worth being thankful for too.
Rough Start
I've been wide awake since 4:30 this morning.
A nightmare woke me.
A nightmare that has me thinking about the definition of "worst".
Because I would tell you that this was the worst nightmare I've had in quite some time.
It wasn't the most violent, or even the darkest.
But it was the most personal, and invasive, and I'm feeling that this morning.
I was finally at a place where I could possibly begin to relax into sleep again, and my alarm went off.
And that's how I started my day.
So, I'm here. Sitting at my desk. Sipping a mug of passion tea.
And trying to regroup.
To not let the nightmare steal my day, the joys possible in this day.
And yet, I'm entirely cognizant that I believe dreams have significance, and this one was a doozy.
So I'm working on how to respond to that as well.
And, in some ways, I'm grieving.
I feel that with the loss of the car (it'll likely be sold by the middle of this week), I've been greatly cushioned. In so many ways, I'm at peace.
But I'm grieving, too. And angry.
If only my insurance company had quoted me correctly in the first place.
If only I wasn't losing a freedom that so helped in making the challenging situation at Grandma's more liveable.
So.
Thankful.
Last night I started back on the medication that controls some of the hormonal problems that so affect my mood. I'd needed to be off it for a couple weeks.
Those weeks, when I could have used the support, just happened to be some really rough ones.
I'm back on it. And I anticipate less of a low mood by later this week, as it builds in my system.
It's a hopeful thing.
And there is sun outside my office window.
And I have a mug of tea to sip.
And plans to have tea in my favorite tea shop with a friend this evening.
I'll get a hug out of that.
I got a caring email from a dear friend (thankful, too, for the iphone that let me send the email she was responding to while I was on the train.)
But it was a rough start.
And I'm praying my day doesn't stay the way it started.
I'm fighting for that.
A nightmare woke me.
A nightmare that has me thinking about the definition of "worst".
Because I would tell you that this was the worst nightmare I've had in quite some time.
It wasn't the most violent, or even the darkest.
But it was the most personal, and invasive, and I'm feeling that this morning.
I was finally at a place where I could possibly begin to relax into sleep again, and my alarm went off.
And that's how I started my day.
So, I'm here. Sitting at my desk. Sipping a mug of passion tea.
And trying to regroup.
To not let the nightmare steal my day, the joys possible in this day.
And yet, I'm entirely cognizant that I believe dreams have significance, and this one was a doozy.
So I'm working on how to respond to that as well.
And, in some ways, I'm grieving.
I feel that with the loss of the car (it'll likely be sold by the middle of this week), I've been greatly cushioned. In so many ways, I'm at peace.
But I'm grieving, too. And angry.
If only my insurance company had quoted me correctly in the first place.
If only I wasn't losing a freedom that so helped in making the challenging situation at Grandma's more liveable.
So.
Thankful.
Last night I started back on the medication that controls some of the hormonal problems that so affect my mood. I'd needed to be off it for a couple weeks.
Those weeks, when I could have used the support, just happened to be some really rough ones.
I'm back on it. And I anticipate less of a low mood by later this week, as it builds in my system.
It's a hopeful thing.
And there is sun outside my office window.
And I have a mug of tea to sip.
And plans to have tea in my favorite tea shop with a friend this evening.
I'll get a hug out of that.
I got a caring email from a dear friend (thankful, too, for the iphone that let me send the email she was responding to while I was on the train.)
But it was a rough start.
And I'm praying my day doesn't stay the way it started.
I'm fighting for that.
Sunday, May 02, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 262
Today's Daily 5:
- Loving having my calendar, to do list, and shopping list all available at the tap of an icon on my new iphone
- Today was about wedding stuff - I spent the afternoon working with two of T & L's friends to pull together some pictures for a slideshow for at their reception. Now I just need to scan some of those photos, and order and sort the others into something fun. But it was a much more fun afternoon than I was expecting, to look through photos.
- Today was also the final practice session for my wedding hair. It's all still pinned up at the moment. I really like what the girl who is doing our hair (who is also one of the bridesmaids) came up with for my hair.
- Freshly washed sheets on my bed.
- The smell of candles that were lit all around my bedroom tonight.
Saturday, May 01, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 261
Today's Daily 5:
- Wearing my hair curly for the first time since I got it highlighted with a bunch of red again the other day.
- A very much needed, long, lazy morning in bed
- Spent about 8 hours with a friend from high school (saw a movie, did some shopping, went out for dinner, and walked for a while in my favorite park)
- Having surprising conversations of a whole new level of depth with this long-time friend
- Walking in my favorite park
- bought a great new top, and a pair of black dress pants for work, both on sale
- Really laughed at lot at the new J-Lo film "The Back-Up Plan"
- Movie theatre popcorn. With butter.
- A hug from my friend
- Setting up times to get together with some other friends and family over the next week or two, and knowing I'll get to collect hugs on most of those occasions as well.
What Color House?
I love green, and many of those things are true about me, or about the sort of place I dream of living in.
| You Should Live in a Green House |
 You are a peaceful person who always seeks out quiet and solitude. You love nothing better than a long walk, and you probably prefer to live near nature. You are a good listener, but you always need down time to recharge after being around others. You usually fit in anywhere. You blend well, and you're happy to sit back and observe. |
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