Daily 5 - Day 260

Today's Daily 5:

1. Friday
2. long bus ride home to think and rest
3. cooked steak wraps with peppers and tzatziki for supper
4. The weekend is here
5. catching up on some new episodes of favorite tv shows online
6. playing a game on my iphone
7. 260 days of daily 5 lists

If the storms of life, they come...

Dana and I have been having a mutual love affair lately for Brian and Jenn Johnson's "Love Came Down".  I got to attend a worship evening with Brian and Jenn a couple months back, and it was fabulous.  I'm loving their most recent album, but this song, "Love Came Down" in particular has been speaking to my heart deeply and fully lately.  This week, especially that first verse or so are hitting deeply again.

Stuff to Check Out

I want to write a post.  I really do.  But my brain is just done at the moment.  I'm emotionally and physically and spiritually exhausted.  There is, for the first time this week, sunshine streaming through my office window, and, while that is definitely a hope-filled thing for me, quite honestly, the warmth of it is just making me want to curl up in a ball and sleep the rest of the day away.  I'm mentally running through my list of friends and trying to figure out who I can talk into making a somewhat impromptu day trip to the mountains next weekend - maybe lunch in Canmore and the hotsprings, but they'll have to drive... I could use an escape to some breathing space.  Or maybe someone's interested in just going for a walk in a park here in the city?  Next Saturday, May 8th.  Let me know.

In the meantime, until I can summon the mental capacity to write down the things I'm thinking about, here is some stuff that made me laugh, made me cry, or made me think this morning:

Dana posted the Veggie Tales Cheeseburger song today.  It was just the right amount of ridiculous to make me smile.

Kelle shared the most beautiful two part account of her daughter Nella's birth, written by Kelle's father.
You can find part 1 here. 
And part 2 here.
I think I would have cried at the beauty even if I wasn't already a puddle of tears today.

This revised list of the 10 highest and 10 lowest produce items for pesticides both surprised and alarmed me.  I'm thinking I need to re-work my grocery purchases to include a few more organic items.

I'll add the caveat that I haven't watched the video yet, but I loved Donald Miller's post today about writing a storyline for your life instead of a mission statement.  Good stuff there.  I might even give it a shot tonight.

Daily 5 - Day 259

So, as days and weeks go, this one has kind of stunk.  And with that in mind, as I headed out to start my day this morning, I made special note of anything and everything that made me smile, jotting a bunch of the items on a notepad in my purse.  It was a worthwhile exercise I think, and certainly makes writing the daily 5 list tonight far easier.  So, today's daily 5:

1. two beautiful little Eastern European girls on the bus with their mom (aunt?) this morning.  They had infectious and mischievous smiles that brought a smile to my own face.
2. the doctor's appointment I had today went so much better than I was imagining it might.
3. I spent 15 minutes or so chatting with a random stranger at the bus stop, while we both stood in the stormy weather and waited for the bus to arrive.  What made me smile about this was not so much the conversation itself, but the fact that I was open to it, that I wasn't so lost within my self, so internal, that I wasn't aware of the other person, or choosing to ignore her.
4. The tech who drew my blood for the bloodwork my doctor ordered was really good.  I'm not excessively queasy, but I don't love needles, and she was very efficient and didn't hurt me too much.
5. The pharmacy had the meds I needed refilled in stock.  I've learned the hard way that I can't always expect this to be the case.
6. Because of the snow storm, my office got closed for the day.  So, what was going to be a half-day off to go to my medical appointments turned into a full day, and likely won't cost me the half-day of personal time I'd planned on.
7. Because I was in medical offices and a lab, I couldn't have my phone on.  Instead I sat and read "Jesus Freak" and loved what I was reading
8. Candles lit all around my bedroom this afternoon
9. Scented oil burning in the oil burner
10. a really helpful guy at the gas station tonight when I had some trouble with one of my tires
11. Feeling quite sheltered and cushioned by God amidst all the crazy life has thrown my way this week.
12. Finished reading "Jesus Freak".  So good, down to the last words.
13. organic dried apples
14. Just chatting on the phone with T. for a bit tonight.  There's something about talking with family on a really rough day that always helps for me.  (Of course it also almost always means that I cry, but I'm learning that that's not so unhealthy, or something I need to be embarrassed about either.)
15. Tomorrow is Friday.  I'm almost at the end of this goofy week.

On a Brighter Note

Lest the world think I'm totally bogged down (though I am somewhat overwhelmed) by the most recent challenge life is throwing at me with this car situation, let me share a few happy things.  (And, because I was already having a hard day when the day started, I was particularly careful to note the things that made me smile today, and have a long list for tonight's daily 5.)

I had my last medical appointment this morning.  Pending the results of some blood work I had done, I've been pronounced fit for another year of life.  I have instructions on a couple of little things (mostly dietary to see how they affect energy) to keep an eye on, and I'm good to go.

That this appointment went well was very encouraging.  I'd been dreading this one, particularly since the last time I saw one of the doctors at this clinic, they prescribed a particular medication that I was initially hesitant to go on, and ended up deciding not to use.  The physician I saw this morning was much easier to talk with, and we discussed some ways of managing the hormone imbalances that seem to create crazy lows in my mood from time to time, without going on medication long-term.  That made me very, very happy.  I like a doctor, who, however she feels about the more natural remedies that I prefer, will work with me, instead of demeaning me.

That appointment, one which I'd been dreading, left me encouraged, and relieved actually, and for that bright spot in a gross week, I'm grateful.

Rough Couple Days

Yesterday, around 4:00, I got a phone call from my car insurance company.  The car insurance company I just signed up with, when I got a car again.  Two weeks ago.  Yeah, that one.  Seems they reviewed the file, and because of my driving record (three at-fault accidents in the last five years), they needed to increase the premium.  Okay, no big deal.  I'd been expecting my rates would go up.  And then I choked.  Seems they will increase by 5x.  That definitely falls in the category of absolutely not at all financially feasible.  In any world of my finances, fantasy or reality.

I did some calling today, and it's looking like that is going to be the consistent story.  Because I got my license at an age quite a bit older than sixteen, and because of the accidents, the rates are going to be astronomical until one of the accidents is six years in the past (which is about two years away still).  Then they'll come down a little.  Still not great, but a bit.

What that means is that the car that I bought just over two weeks ago most likely needs to be sold, and the freedom I'd cherished is gone again.

In the good moments, I can find positives in this.  It's better for my financial situation.  It's that much more money (from insurance and gas) going to my debt every month, or to savings, or towards rent someplace other than Grandma's basement.  I can still rent a car for the occasional weekend.  It's summer (or will be when the crazy winter storm we're having right now blows over) and that makes walking and busing a much nicer option for the next 4-5 months or so.  I care about the environment and drove an old car that likely wasn't exactly low emissions, now I won't be driving it.  I get built in exercise, walking everywhere.  It gives me lots of thinking and alone time on transit - more fun, now, that I got the iphone.

To be honest, though, choosing to be thankful and joyful, even in this, kind of sucks right now.

My pride feels bruised, a little.  It was already smarting with the move into Grandma's (who moves back in with family at 26?  I've been teased a little for this, by some less than generous friends, and that hasn't helped with my pride), and knowing that I'll now be dependent on others for rides, likely for the next couple of years, is not helping the situation. 

What I'd really like right now is a hug from my mom and time to sob my eyes out.  (I have done my share of crying yesterday and today.)  But my mom is in Phoenix, and part of being a grown up means that I get to own even this.  This is my bad driving record.  It was my choice to put off gettting my driver's license until I was 20.  I'm not a great driver and I know it.  It's part of why I haven't been driving to work since getting this new car.  It stresses me out.  But it stings, and it's mine to own.  All of this is mine.  And I know that.  And I know that even in this I can survive and likely even thrive.

But just in this moment, it really sucks.

It helped a little, to get an email from a dear friend, understanding that this is a loss of a much needed freedom, given my current living situation, and reminding me that it's okay to feel sad

Tomorrow, I'll pick up the pieces and begin making arrangements to cancel the insurance policy and see if my brother is interested in buying my car.

Tonight, I'm going to enjoy driving it to house church for what will probably be the last time. 

And next week, when Mom is home, I'll probably cry on her shoulder a little, too.

Stuff to Check Out

I'll be here later with some more random thoughts on the day, but for the moment, here are a couple articles I found interesting...

This article about some knife attacks in China caught my attention.  Not just because of the violence against children, but because of the immense percentage of the adult Chinese population that is believed to suffer from undiagnosed and untreated mental illnesses.  17%.  That's huge.  It was interesting to me, too, that this is in large part attributed to the Cultural Revolution which frowned on psychiatry, and has created a subsequent social stigma, and huge lack of mental health professionals.

I laughed really hard at a post on "Stuff Christians Like" today.  The "You're Rich Globally" post.  Which is so totally true, but seriously, it was funny to see the satire in the post.

Daily 5 - Day 258

So, pretty much the last thing I feel like doing tonight is writing a list of any length at all of things that made me smile, or things I'm grateful for.  As days goes, this one really stunk.  Basically none of the things I would have liked to have happen did.  And I got some bad news concerning my car that likely means that I'll be back to having no car within the next week or two, probably semi-permanently (like for the next couple years).  More on that tomorrow, I'm busy trying not to think about it tonight.

So, anyway, these are the good things from today, however many I can scrape up, and actually, a day like this is probably the day it's most important for me to do this exercise anyway:

1. The antacid I took for whatever was going on with my stomach again this morning seemed to work.  I didn't feel good, but I could at least function for the day.
2. It was "pass out paystubs" day at work.  This is one of the best 10 minutes of every two week cycle of work for me.  Everyone is glad to see me on this day.  And I get such jovial thank you's from everyone when I drop off a piece of paper that says there will be money appearing in their bank account the following day.
3. The one thing that worked as planned tonight was I did make it to my hair appointment.  And I have these fabulous new highlights in a couple shades of blond and a coppery red.  And styled hair, which means, whatever tomorrow holds, I'm going to look nice for it.  I'll try and take a picture, or have someone take one for me tomorrow.
4. I got a hug from L. while I sobbed my eyes out in overwhelmed exhaustion after work.
5. I bought a new purse that I'm pretty excited about.
6. I really love my new iphone.  It was so cool to be able to check emails and facebook on the train, and at the mall tonight.
7. Even amidst all the sucky stuff, once I stopped sobbing I was able to just sit and let myself find some perspective, and even some things to be thankful for as life throws me yet another loop.
8. Because I'm having my hair put up for the wedding, my hairdresser just thinned it, and didn't cut it tonight after she colored it.  She recommended leaving it long for the girl who's putting it up.  That means that I have another hair appointment booked for in about three weeks time.  Sweet.  Next to massages, appointments with my hairdresser (and maybe pedicures) are my absolute favorite form of relaxation and pampering.
9. Because I have a medical appointment tomorrow morning, I have the morning off work and can sleep in by about an extra hour and a half.
10. I figured out how to connect my new phone to the free wi-fi in the mall.
11. I realized today that it's only about 2 more months until the U2 concert that I have tickets to!

Grey

After writing this morning about the morning posts full of random information seem to clear my head and make space for inspiration, I feel like I should be showing up here this afternoon with something profound to say.

The truth is this:  It's been snowing all day, I'm still not feeling well, coffee with my friend is likely off so he doesn't have to trek across the entire city in rush hour traffice and snowy roads, and these things combined, are leaving me less than inspired.

It is windy and snowy and wet outside, and in about an hour I'll make the 15 or so minute walk through that weather to the train.  I'll take the usual two trains to get to mom and dad's house, pick up my car, and head for the mall, wherein I'll be finding something that seems palatable as a supper option, and getting my hair done.

And somehow, in this grey weather, I'm okay with uninspired. 

I'll get pampered a little at the hair salon.

I'll find something I really enjoy to eat, even if I can't manage to eat very much of it.

I'll probably play with my new phone (I'm on a mission to update the calendar and contacts in it, and also to find a "to do list app" that I'll like and be able to use easily.)

I might read a bit more of Sara Miles' "Jesus Freak".

And I'll rest.

Because inspiration seems a stretch on a day like this, but rest and finding joy in some little things despite the greyness seems somehow attainable.

Chocolate and Depression

This article made me chuckle.  Seems they've finally done research that confirms that depressed people (both men and women) eat more chocolate than people who aren't depressed, but the jury is still out on why.

Owning Your Successes

Donald Miller had a fabulous post yesterday on "owning your successes."

I suck at this.  Tending to write off accomplishments of any sort.

Or to hesitate to take credit for them.

I think part of that is the Christian thing.

The, "you must be humble and never proud" thing.

I think I've been getting slowly better at this, and it's changing how I see myself.

And that is a very cool thing indeed.

In other news...

I was thinking that these random morning posts are becoming something like an exercise a bunch of my artistic friends used to do.  It was from a book by Julia Cameron, and called morning pages.  The whole idea was that if you started out your day by simply sitting down and writing 3 pages of just whatever was on your mind - shopping lists, things you're thinking about - whatever, then this regular practice stirred creativity.  I actually find that by stopping here and writing down the random things on my mind, I feel more free to really write at other times.  Like writing down the random things creates space for the deeper things stirring within me.

I'm sipping green tea and hoping it will calm my stomach.  I woke again with a terrible stomach-ache and heartburn.  It's been happening every few months, for no discernible reason.

It's raining outside and they're promising it will turn to a whole pile of snow by tonight.  Last week it was 20C and I was wearing skirts and capri pants to work.  Today we have a "winter storm warning" in effect.  Only in Calgary.

Actually, I blame my dad for the snow.  Everytime he leaves the country it snows.  Doesn't seem to matter what time of year it is.  He and mom are enjoying poolside weather in Phoenix with my aunt and uncle this week.  And we're having snow.  It's just how it works, I guess.

Yesterday's plans to have coffee with a long-time friend were postponed to today.  I'm hoping they happen today, anyway.  He can be a little bit flaky.  (He's actually forgotten that he was my ride home from somewhere.  Twice.)  But he's a great friend, the one who was with me on that odd night nearly five years ago now when my depression was healed so suddenly and unexpectedly.  And I hope I get to see him.  I could use some time right now with the kind of friend who has all the details.  Who's been around through it all, and we can just talk honestly with each other.  And a hug.  I could use a hug from that kind of friend too.

Last night, after months of deliberation and research, I joined the cult of iphone, and I'm quite looking forward to discovering all the fun things it will let me do.  I had thought that I was going to need to wait another six months, until my current phone contract expired, and then switch phone companies, as a different company had far better rates.  But, I called my phone company, and negotiated, and they decided customer loyalty (I've been with them for years) was worth rewarding, and comfortably matched the price the other company was offering.  So, I took the plunge, and I think I'm going to love it.

I also have a hair appointment tonight.  The annual getting other fun colors added to my existing natural state appointment.  I only do it once a year or so, because it's expensive, but it's always fabulous.  Getting my hair done and being pampered at the salon I use is right up there with getting a massage for me.  So relaxing and it makes me feel beautiful and feminine.  (Plus, being able to treat myself well, without feeling guilty for it, was on one of my lists of goals for this year, so any appointment like this is a step in the right direction.)

And with that, I'm off to dive into the stuff the day will require.

Back later!

Daily 5 - Day 257

Today's Daily 5:

1. Leftover pasta with peas and bacon from supper last night
2. Got an iphone!!! (which means my cell phone company was into customer loyalty and gave me a good plan discount to keep me from switching to a different provider)
3. a good conversation with our receptionist in the midst of a rough afternoon
4. reading "Jesus Freak" by Sara Miles
5. waffles for supper

Asking for Help (Thoughts from "Jesus Freak")

I read this passage from the "Healing" section of Sara Miles' latest book "Jesus Freak: Feeding, Healing, Raising the Dead" last night, and was struck deeply by it.

I was still terrible at asking for help...I was good at dismissing other people's hesitations, the endless cycle of excuses I heard all the time: I don't want to bother you. Nobody would understand. Other people have real troubles; my problems aren't serious enough. My problems are too serious; there's nothing anyone can do. I'm embarrassed. I'm OK. Nobody really listens anyway.


My own excuses were equally dumb. But they were so embedded in my self-image as a capable grown-up that I almost always chose to keep my problems to myself...Asking for attention, comfort, time, listening, prayers - that made my skin crawl.

And yet, when I could force myself to do it, I saw how getting to the point of asking was an essential part of my healing. As much as I might fantasize that my real friends, my most beloved family members, the best priest or teacher or spiritual director would guess just what I wanted and provide it, the fact was I had to ask. I had to put myself in a place of truth, of admitting that I needed help.

"What do you think I should do?" I'd finally say to Paul. I hated being told what to do.

"Honey, I'm worried," I'd finally say to Martha. I always wanted to be the one who told others not to worry.

"I'm afraid," I'd finally say aloud. "I'm upset. Hold me."

And then, usually, I'd discover - no matter whether the person I asked had the perfect response, whether the help disappointed or delighted - that something had changed. I wasn't alone with myself, with my ingrown desires and denials, with the thing that I'd been stewing about in private. I'd given myself over to a relationship.

These words hit me deeply.  I stink at asking for help.  I shared the passage with a dear friend by email late last night and chuckled, when, among other things in her response this morning, I read, "the 'capable grown up' - i actually thought those were your words at first... "

I've cultivated a certain independence.  And a certain pride.  Years of depression created an aversion to asking for help.  I got tired of being the one with problems, the one who just couldn't get it together, who couldn't be "fixed."

About a month ago I sent out a prayer request email to a number of friends, detailing a particularly challenging family and life circumstance that I am embroiled in and asking for their prayers and support as I navigate this difficult situation.  I received a wide variety of encouraging responses, but the one that meant the most was from the same dear friend who I emailed the quote from Sara Miles to last night.  Her response was to thank me for sharing and to acknowledge that she knew just how hard it was for me to break some of the silence that had encompassed this particular situation, and admit that I couldn't walk this journey out alone.

That capable grown up thing stings.  I'm nearly 27 years old, and two months ago I moved into my grandma's basement.  I've been teased by quite a number of people for that move.  At 26 you don't usually move back in with family, you move further away from family.  You definitely don't move in with your incredibly nosy, clingy, overbearing, smothering grandmother.  Especially when you're also lacking your own vehicle and she lives on a very inconvenient city transit route.

I moved in because I felt that was where Jesus was leading (a whole other story, I suppose.)  I moved in because the cheaper rent is allowing me more quickly pay down debts accumulated.  Debts that I have a strong desire to be free from.

And living there has been awful.  Not only for the expected personality conflicts, but for a whole variety of family and personal and spiritual reasons.  Plus, I've had to continually find that place of humility and ask for help.  I needed to ask for rides to and from necessary errands.  For advice in navigating some of the delicate situations that have arisen.  And I had to ask friends, near and far to pray for me and stand with me as I navigate this season of life.

I even had to admit to God that I didn't have it all together.

A few years back, Sara Miles' first book, "Take This Bread" offered language to the journey I was on.  It spoke deeply to the crazy experiences of life and relationship (with God and people) that I was walking through at the time.

I'm finding, two years later, that her newest book is doing the same thing.  The irony of that, the God sense of humor in the timing of my reading of these two books, makes me laugh.

In the meantime, I'm about half-way through "Jesus Freak" and I'd strongly recommend it.

Be Sick, Be Loved

I mentioned last week that I'd finished listening to the audio book "Stuff Christians Like" by Jonathan Acuff, and that I'd loved it.

I came across this video of him speaking at his blog this morning and let it play while I was working on some mindless tasks at my desk.  Definitely worth the time for the laughter and the message.

Be Sick, Be Loved from Foundry LA on Vimeo.

Crafty - Patsy Clairmont

This one made me laugh.  Because I tend to own crafts, rather than, umm, doing them, too.  Unless I'm in a particular mood.  Then I can bust out some basic jewelry or some great scrapbook pages.  But mostly, I tend to collect supplies, finding them inspiring in the Michaels aisle, and then stacking them on a shelf or in a box when I get home.

Random Tuesday

These are some of the random things I'm thinking about this morning:

• a passage from Sara Miles' "Jesus Freak" that I read last night (more on that later today, I think)
• q-tips can be a dangerous implement if you're clumsy and not quite awake yet. 
• After three mornings of starting work early, I've made up for the time I was late last week due to my eye appointment.  Thankfully, this week's Thursday morning medical appointment is already covered - I took half a personal day, and don't have to be in to the office until 1:00 that day.
• I had a really bad customer service experience at the Bell Store the other day.  I was trying to price iphone plans (looking at getting an upgrade!) and the guy behind the desk could not have been less interested in answering my questions.  In fact, he had a text book obviously spread open on the counter, and paused, while waiting for the computer as he looked up my account information, to make notes on a cue card.  (Can you say "final that I've not properly studied for tomorrow"?)  He then looked straight at me, punched up his tone with attitude, and said, "It doesn't matter anyway, we don't have any iphones in stock."  Oh, well, excuse me for offering you a sale if you'd just answered my questions.  I've left a message for the manager of the store to call me back.  I just wish I'd remembered to get his name.
• The trouble with reading blogs is that my list of books and music to check out becomes unmanageable.  Because I read blogs with people who have similar interests to me, when they recommend a title or an album, I generally jot the information on a post-it note, which eventually gets transferred to a notebook list of books and music that I keep at home.  I cannot read fast enough.  I'll never get through all of these books.  (Not to mention the nearly 200 titles sitting on my shelves at home that I've purchased and not read at all, or purchased and only partially read.)  I jotted down three more book titles and one album title just this morning.
• I'm wearing the softest scarf ever today.  I wish I had whole outfits made out of this material.

I'm sure there's more, but I'll leave it there.  There is stuff on my desk asking for my attention, and I should probably pay attention to it, since, you know, that's what I get paid for!

Back later, with thoughts on Sara Miles's latest book, and how her words are again giving form to my own journey.

Daily 5 - Day 256

Today's Daily 5:

1. reading Sara Miles' "Jesus Freak".  Much like when I read "Take This Bread" a few years back, her words are speaking deeply to my journey right now.
2. talked for a few minutes on the phone today with a long-time good friend.  It was so good to hear his voice and hear hope in it again, and I'm excited to hang out with him tomorrow and catch up properly.
3. cooked my own dinner tonight, and froze six meals for the future.
4. green grapes
5. The team of cowboys on "The Amazing Race" - totally love them!
6. Watched an interview with Bill Johnson on ibethel.tv tonight.  I was really impressed with his comments on setting boundaries around his family to protect them from the pastor's family fish bowl.
7. found some photos of T & L's first date that they had lost in a computer crash.  I had a copy of them on my hard-drive.
8. Wore my favorite ballet flats to work today
9. Did payroll at work - I like the challenge, and I love that because I do some work, our staff will have paycheques waiting in their bank accounts later this week.
10. Got my internet bill, and it was $0.  I wrote a letter complaining about poor service when I moved a couple months ago, and to thank me for my loyalty and keep my business, they're giving me two free months of service, which I thought was really cool, since I simply wrote the letter to let them know about some service issues they might want to correct, and I wasn't really looking for compensation, other than a credit they'd already given me for the few days of service I didn't receive.

Smile List (The Mid-Day Version)

I need to make a smile list.  It's just one of those days.  I'll be by later with the regular "daily 5" (which might have duplicates today).  But for now, I need to list some reasons to smile.

• Because it's been one of those days, and because of the "Sunday" hangover that I mentioned this morning, I decided on a whim to text one of my long-time friends (the only one really left in Calgary) and see if we could have coffee sometime soon.  I got a phone-call back almost immediately, and we have a coffee date scheduled for tomorrow night.  This is bringing a huge smile to my face.  I could badly use an evening with the kind of long-time friend who knows all the stories and all the crap, and wants to hang out anyway.
• I had left-over Vietnamese food for lunch.
• I spent the lunch hour playing a computer game I enjoy.
• It's payroll day!  I actually mostly enjoy the challenge of doing payroll, and that's what's on my agenda for the afternoon.
• I got an encouraging email from a dear friend today.
• There's not much on the agenda for tonight.  Some cooking, maybe some yoga.  That in itself is a relief.
• I've decided to scrounge in my budget to make massages a monthly event, and not a bi-monthly event.  That means half the year will be covered by my insurance, and the other half by me.  But it also means that I get a great massage once a month!

Sunday Hangover

Sunday's are hard days for me right now.

As much as I'm trying to embrace and really be okay with this whole "new normal" and routine that has come the last month or two since I moved into Grandma's basement, I'm just not there all the time yet.

I miss what I had.

I miss having a roommate to laugh and debrief the day with - one who I knew wouldn't share everything about my life with everyone she knew.

I miss the freedom of not feeling on edge all the time, waiting and watching.

I miss living in a peaceful apartment, without the crazy spiritual realities.

And I miss the routine.

And Sunday's underscore all of that.

Sunday used to be a day I guarded jealously.  That was my day for rest.  I didn't book social stuff on that day.  It was a day for me, or for me and God.

I went to the zoo early in the morning, just as it was opening, while it was still quiet.

I cooked a fancy breakfast at a leisurely pace.

Sometimes I shopped.

But I rarely did "work" or had a schedule.

In the new normal, Sunday is not a day of rest anymore. 

The zoo is out, at least in the early morning hours there that I loved, because I need Sunday mornings to accomplish all of the tasks that are just so much easier to do when Grandma is at church.  Laundry, cleaning, garbage.  All of the little things that she is nosy about, or has an opinion on, or handles differently that I do.

And I usually manage to start out with a brave face, but by the end of the day the things I miss, the things that feel like such huge losses, hit me.

Yesterday they hit particularly hard.

I went to bed with the sort of bad headache that comes from the combination of tears spilled and tears suppressed.

It's Monday.  A new start as a guy from the second floor reminded me as we boarded the elevator together this morning.

It's Monday, but I have a little bit of a Sunday hangover to fight off first.

Daily 5 - Day 255

Today's Daily 5:

1. Got my laundry done.  I love the smell of clean laundry.
2. Lit candles around my bedroom
3. A hug from my mom
4. Vietnamese take-out for supper
5. reading Sara Miles' "Jesus Freak"

Do You Want to be Well?

"Jesus brushes all our differences away.  He is, after all, healing us into himself, dragging us alongside all the other damaged, undeserving people into his body.  Healing with Jesus isn't New Age-y and gentle.  It is frequently about pain:  which might explain, I realized, why Jesus often asks the desperate people who come to him, Do you want to be well?  Do you want to be well if getting well hurts?  Do you want to be well if it separates you from your old identity?  Do you want to be well more than you want to stay the same?

Real healing means, more than anything, following the truth: and thus a call to change and conversion."

(Sara Miles, "Jesus Freak")

I read this today, and found her words deeply striking.

I've asked those questions.  Do I want to be well if it hurts?  Do I want to be well if it means I'm totally separate from what I was?

The words continue to grow stronger within me.  I want to be well.

So Sad

This article made me sad... that someone would poison young girls simply because they're attending school.

12:12

I'm pondering Romans 12:12 today:  "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."

Sunday Stuff

It's 10:00 on Sunday morning.

I'm propped in bed, waiting for the moment when silence upstairs tells me that Grandma has left for church.

Then, I spring into action.  Sort of.

Laundry.  Washing the sheets on my bed and towels in the bathroom.  Various cleaning tasks.  Taking the garbage out.

But it's Sunday, and I'm feeling reflective too.

Tired.  Longing.

Pondering the internal stuff.  The stuff that is shifting and changing inside me.  The stuff I'm still hesitating to say out loud, or even in writing, in fear that it will dissipate in the face of exposure to the world.

I'm thinking about timing.  About God's timing and mine.

And more of those "you want me to what?" moments.

I'm waiting and praying.

Remembering moments of laughter from last night, which was so much better and less awkward than I thought it would be.

Thinking about relationships, and the shifts inside of me that I'm feeling there too.

Later, there will be family stuff.  At least a little family stuff.

Some meal planning.  Cooking perhaps.

Possibly some yoga, to stretch the muscles that ache this morning, telling me that yesterday's massage really did work and ease the muscles in my shoulders, neck and back - leftovers from an accident that is now three months in the past.

Maybe a conversation with friends.

Or, if the weather permits, a walk at the zoo or in the park.  The weather likely won't permit today, but it's a nice thought.

It's Sunday, and this is my day. 

Not quite what my Sunday's once were, but quiet and routine in it's own, different way.

Daily 5 - Day 254

I kept a whole long list of good stuff for today on a notepad in my purse, but now that I've finally crashed into my bed, the notepad and purse aren't in reach, so I'll keep it short and sweet.

1. Slow, quiet morning
2. successful errands
3. a much anticipated and very helpful massage appointment.
4. Made another new recipe and it turned out really well
5. had great fun at a bridal/lingerie shower for L. tonight

Saturday Links

Just a few quick reads today:

Hope wrote about praying for compassion, and about silence and secrets, among other things.  Her words hit home this morning.

Seth Godin wrote about choosing your critics.  Another good piece of advice.

3000 - Thankful

This is the 3000th time in just over 5 years that I've shown up here.

That number seems crazy and immense to me.  That 3000 times in the last five years I've felt like there was something worth sharing, or, sometimes, that I simply needed a place to show up and be myself.

It's way too early to be awake on a Saturday, and I've been lying here already for an hour and a half.  I felt better about that early waking when I remembered that I went to bed very early last night, and, counting backwards, waking interruptions aside, realized I still slept for close to eight hours.  Sweet.

It will be a full day.

Errands this morning.

A much needed appointment for a massage.

Time with family.

A bridal shower for L. tonight.

Almost daunting, from the perspective I have still half-laying in bed, so early in the day.

And yet, I'm thankful.

Thankful for what the outcome of the errands will be.

Thankful for an email from a dear friend, advising of her safe return.

Thankful for eight hours of quiet, if not of sleep, even if they ended sooner than I would have preferred.

Thankful for the timing of a badly needed massage appointment.

Thankful that tonight I get to participate in celebrating L, and her upcoming marriage to my brother.

Thankful for this blog space, that I've been able to show up at and be myself.  3000 times in the last five or so years.

I think it's going to be a good day, but even if it all goes sour, I can pause and remember these moments, in the dawning of the day, where there was and is so much to be thankful for.

Daily 5 - Day 253

Today's Daily 5:

1. a little boy giggling loudly and contagiously on the train this morning.  I could hear his laughter through my headphones and turned to look and smile.
2. apple cinnamon oatmeal for breakfast
3. pomegranate green tea
4. wearing fun earrings today
5. Subway for lunch with a coworker
6. laughing and working on a project at work with our receptionist
7. booking off an extra day in June
8. getting a seat on the train on the way home (rare), giving it to a lady who had her entire leg in a brace, and then actually finding another seat.
9. quiet evening at home
10. early to bed

The After-Work List

On tonight's agenda:

• Take the train home.  Well, to mom & dad's home, where my car is parked.
• (Enjoy current audiobook while on train.)
• While at mom & dads:  check my mail.  cover brownies that mom baked but couldn't cover before she left.  check if package mom was expecting has been delivered since they left.
• Sobeys.  First day of the new flyer sale.  Get fresh produce for the week or so ahead.
• Home.
• Food.  It's undecided if this will involve the actual process of cooking, preparing food from scratch, or if it will simply involve digging some salad out of the bag I bought earlier in the week, and accessorizing it a little.  Plus maybe some chips and nacho dip.
• Attack to do list for the evening, while balancing with the need for rest.
• To do items may or may not include:  wrapping a shower gift for L and writing a shower card; writing a graduation card for L; flipping through cookbooks and consulting the list of current freezer contents to determine a meal gameplan for the next week; catching up on America's Next Top Model online; sending an email or two or three or more; painting my finger and toe nails; sorting through some scrapbook supplies in an effort to purge, sort and organize; updating my budget; and laundry.

When I look at my evening plans listed out like that, they sound pretty mundane.  But, I'm really looking forward to them.  I miss quiet evenings at home, tackling the stuff of life.  I've been busy lately, partly due to multiple committments, and partly because the discomfort of life at grandma's means that I've scheduled far more outings into my life than ever before.  And tonight will likely still hold some of that discomfort.  But it's still a quiet evening at home, and I'm looking forward to that.  To just doing stuff that needs to be done.  To watching trashy television online, and eating and resting.  To finding just the write words to communicate love for the girl my brother is marrying, and how delighted I am that she's joining our family and celebrating her Bible college graduation.  To resting into myself a bit.  Even with that slight edge of nerves that exists as part of life at Grandma's.  Because I'm learning about myself from that too - about what I carry with me, and that having a place of safety doesn't have to be dependent on location.  That I can carry that with me too.

It's the little stuff of life that I really love these days.  And I'm looking forward to an evening spent immersed in it.

This and That

A collection of stuff worth reading and watching this morning:

A video of Governor General Michaelle Jean's apology to Rwanda for Canada's indifference during their genocide.

An article about forced sterilizations and the impact of China's one child policy.

A blog post with a Christian perspective on stewardship of the environment.  I particularly liked the statement "Dominion should not equal destruction."

Anne Jackson on being exposed.

Donald Miller on telling the truth.

Dana linked to this very cool way of viewing the Sistine Chapel.  It brought back very fond memories of how profoundly that room touched me when I visited, and how I wished I could have spent hours simply taking it in, instead of the maybe 10 minutes that I was able to spend there.

This article on the fact that Jamie Oliver is putting his own funds behind his vocal campaigns for better food and eating.  I am so on board with this idea that if we stop eating processed crap and start eating more healthy, home-cooked meals, we can make a huge difference in some of the health crises that seem to be on the rise, and I love that Oliver is putting his money where his mouth is.

Friday!!!

I feel like "Friday" is a word that should be exclaimed.  Joyfully.

Friday in my world means jeans at work, and less than 8 hours until the weekend.

I actually count down the days all week as I'm figuring out my work wardrobe, calculating how many more days of "business" outfits I need to come up with before I can just wear the clothes that feel natural to me.

It's a funny sort of Friday in that my day will be very full, not just a winding down of the week that has passed, but a full day of tasks, followed by an evening full of little "must be dones" as well.

It's a funny sort of Friday in that I'll spend much of the day waiting for the news of the safe return of a friend who's been overseas.  Praying that her connection is made, and she isn't caught in the snarl of travellers stuck at Heathrow thanks to volcanic activity.

But it's FRIDAY!

And I have thoughts and posts and all kinds of fun things brewing inside of me.

And maybe a particularly lengthy daily 5 late tonight.  As the day goes on today, I'm trying to jot down the things that bring smiles

Daily 5 - Day 252

Today's Daily 5:

1. Coffee with a new friend today.  I love telling Jesus stories and this was a coffee (albeit one that was too short) full of them.
2. Back at house church tonight for the first time in about three weeks.  It was so good to be back.
3. laughing, eating, talking, sharing, and praying for and with each other
4. cuddling a baby
5. wearing my twirling skirt today
6. clean bill of health at the eye doctor (and I get to shop for new glasses!)
7. Having the freedom of a car to get myself to and from my appointment and house church and coffee date today
8. feeling like I am a welcome part of a community of believers again
9. Rob Bell teaching.  Really any Rob Bell teaching.
10. Filtered water.  I know I write this a lot, but I find myself incredibly thankful to have pure, healthy water readily available for drinking.

On my mind

This, will, I promise, be an entirely random collection of things that I'm currently thinking about.

• I'm wearing my "twirling skirt" today.  Because it just seemed like just the right outfit for today.  And because yesterday I felt like dancing.  This skirt always makes me want to dance.  And it's colorful and happy, so that helps too.
• My life for the next three weeks is rapidly becoming consumed with wedding details as T & L's big day draws closer.  They asked me to help out with another task last night - this time coordinating the slideshow for their wedding reception.  I was happy to agree, but as I was staring at my calendar, I was left trying to figure out where on earth the stuff of daily life is supposed to fit in as I navigate some medical appointments scheduled months ago, long before T & L's engagement, some appointments for the wedding - hair and so forth, and the just general busyness that comes from working full time and trying to be involved in a church community.
• All this wedding stuff is throwing me for a loop, too.  Much like when I was living in the midst of wedding central last year, I'm finding it far more challening to be content with my own single status.  And that's saying something, because I've got to be the most happily single person I've ever met.  But sometimes, all this wedding stuff can just make you lonely.  Don't get me wrong - I'd love to meet a guy and get married.  But loneliness is not something that's mostly on my radar.  At least not that kind of loneliness.  Lately, though, it has been a bit more.
• I'm working through my dislike of change, too, and being challenged by what's appearing in my life, in part because of this wedding.  Because this is a positive change in the life of our family.  It's a gain, not a loss.  And yet, I find myself having a hard time, sometimes, with the incredible way the face of our family will change with the marriage of the first sibling.  And I find myself challenged by how resistant I am feeling internally towards this change.  Especially since it's a change I'm in so many ways delighted by.  One that I know is not a negative thing.  It's odd to see my fears surfacing in this way.
• I'm debating whether or not I'll be able to attend an upcoming retreat with the house churches I'm a part of.  I really want to go.  The topic is one that I'd love to participate in.  But the retreat is the weekend right before the wedding.  And it's also over Mother's Day.  And with my various wedding related responsibilites, and the addition of Mother's Day, I'm kind of feeling like I need to hang out in Calgary instead of going away.  And while I know that that won't be wasted time, it makes me just a little bit grumpy to set aside what I really want for the sake of my family.  (Boy, this post is making me sound like a selfish jerk.)
• I'm still trying to navigate a very difficult living situation as well.  Life at Grandma's is incredibly challenging, and inconsistent, and that means that I am fighting in a huge way to find my place of rest internally, and not have it tied to a place or thing.  At the same time, I really miss some of the freedoms of having my own apartment.  Freedoms in cooking and cleaning.  And especially the freedom to invite friends over and feed them.  I'm sure that Grandma would be fine with me doing this, but I'm also certain that it would be a very bad idea.  Cooking a nice meal is a real challenge, and we'd need to eat it upstairs, as my space downstairs wouldn't accomodate eating or visiting.  And eating upstairs is a problem, because Grandma is there.  I love my grandmother, but she's the most nosy, talkative person on the planet, and having a genuine conversation with a friend in her presence would be impossible.

So, those are the things I'm thinking about today, among others, anyway.

Life feels big and crazy these days.  Not necessarily overwhelming, but like it's spinning fast, and bordering on out of control.  Like one of those jugglers who's doing really well and then, well, he adds that one last ball and drops everything.  I keep wondering what the last ball will be.

And in the midst of this I'm trying to let Jesus teach me lessons of peace.  Of really seeing people.  Of living joyfully.  Of resting, even in the midst of the storms.  They're pretty challenging lessons, to go with a pretty challening life.

Eyes

I only arrived at the office about 40 minutes ago.

Today began a stream of yearly medical appointments that will occur off and on for the next week or two.

This morning was for my eyes.  It's time for new glasses again.  And, apparently, as I get older, when I'm not wearing my glasses, I have less control over my lazy eye.  This explains why it is now much more difficult to read when for one reason or other, I'm not wearing my glasses.

And so I'm here, with eyes rather sensitive to light, and an hour and a half of work time to make up over the next week or so.

But other than the fact that it is indeed time for a new pair of glasses, my eyes are apparently in good shape.

Which is good news - I'm rather attached to them.

I'm actually more cognizant of vision than ever.  Especially now.  I've spent parts of a few days this week searching for information on Alberta labor laws and the required adaptations necessary to accomodate disabled people.  Specifically blind people.  One of our staff members was told quite recently that they are most likely going blind.  And it's my job to find out what accomodations we're responsible to make for that, and how we can help her with that process.

So I'm grateful today, for another year's clean bill of eye health.  And I'm grateful to see... in so many ways.

Daily 5 - Day 251

Today's Daily 5:

1. Got a bunch of shopping for gifts out of the way tonight
2. Found some great cards at the card shop
3. Was asked by T & L to coordinate a couple of their friends in creating a slideshow for their wedding reception
4. Was able to drive to do my errands tonight
5. curling up, wrapped in a warm blanket

Dance

The spring weather, and something about this particular day, about the atmosphere I'm sensing is making me want to dance.

Except I'm a terrible dancer, and horribly self-concious, so I just kind of dance inside, with a smile on my face.

I was thinking about dancing last week at the conference I was at.

There was definitely a lot of dancing going on.

But even there, busting loose is harder than it looks to achieve.

Unless you're holding a baby.  I think something about my conservative upbringing made it totally okay to dance and be silly if you're holding a baby, or the hands of a toddler perhaps.  Because then you're not just dancing for your enjoyment, you're spreading the wealth.

I have a favorite memory of being at a conference with Jason Upton, and he began playing a song he'd written for his children.  A fun song, designed to make you just wanna hop up and move around a little. 

I was sitting on the floor at the back of the room, with three little kids all around me.

It's a memory I cherish, dancing and singing with them in the back of the church.  3 special kids that I love.

I was thinking about that today as happy music played, and the sun crept through my office window, and something in the atmosphere made me want to dance.

Canada Apologizes to Rwanda

I found this article about Governor General Michaelle Jean apologizing to Rwanda on behalf of Canada for failing to intervene in their genocide to be quite powerful.

Stuff Worth Reading

Some things I came across today that are definitely worth the read:

Steve Bell wrote a lovely account of the impact a Catholic Priest had on him as a young boy and man.  In a time when nearly all the stories about priests in the media are dealing with the widespread abuse of power, and betrayal of trust, I'm sympathetic to the victims (I know a few personally.)  But I love the church - in nearly any form, and I think these positive stories must be told as well.  I'm so thankful for those who lived beautiful stories, and for those who choose to tell the stories marked with life and redemption.  Because that's what the church should really be about, isn't it?

I loved this piece at Gitz Bits today.  It reminded me of the lesson God began writing on my heart last week when my brother J. faced a challenging situation at work, and still managed to see the person, and not just a girl who was acting out and had bit him and spat in his eye.

And I loved these thoughts on grace over at Stuff Christians Like.  Also definitely a good reminder today.  (By the way, if you haven't taken advantage of the free audio book download of Stuff Christians Like at christianaudio.com, you really should.  I finished listening to it on the train yesterday, and it was fantastic!)

5 Years

Five years ago today, I wrote my very first blog post.  It was a slow start.

I opened a blogger account because a good friend of mine was in Sri Lanka, working for Samaritans' Purse, doing water relief work following the tsunami.  (As a side note, it's hard to believe that it's been over five years since that boxing day Tsunami, as well.)  He had a blog, and I couldn't comment on it without a blogger account of my own.

So I opened an account.

And the rest, as they say, is history.

In five years I've written 2989 posts.  That's the equivalent of showing up here 1.6 times a day, every day, for the last five years.

I've chronicled a journey beginning in the worst months of depression, through the moment of sudden healing.  I've written about life and faith and family and friends and shoes.

I've travelled a bit, and dreamed a lot.

I've shed a lot of tears.

And I've even made some friends out there in the blogging world.  One of them I even got to meet in person last year.

I'm thankful for this record of my life that has developed, and for each of you who have stopped in to say hi, or share your opinions, or journey with me.

Here's to another 5 years!

Daily 5 - Day 250

Today's Daily 5:

1. 250 days of Daily 5's
2. 22 years of journeying with Jesus
3. 1 year of eating 3 meals a day
4. a treatment tonight from a new practitioner.  I'll definitely feel a bit more comfortable with this one, I think.
5. Wendys for supper with my dad
6. thinking about fun plans for the weekend
7. filtered water
8. having a car to drive
9. finished the "Stuff Christians Like" audiobook and found it hilarious.  Also started a new audiobook.
10. listened to a great sermon by Shane Hipps on the John 4 story of the woman at the well

Leaving Church

Yesterday I linked to Donald Miller's article on leaving church.

Today, Pete Wilson is also talking about leaving church.

It's not an easy topic, and, as a pastor's kid, I've seen it from several angles.

I've seen the acrimonious church split from the inside.

I've seen the people come who are enthused, and then leave a few years later, because they've decided that something just won't do, and it's never their fault either.

It's never easy to watch someone you've cared about leave.  Especially as a pastor's kid in a small church when they're leaving because they're angry at something your dad did or didn't do.  How do you navigate your friendship with that person vs. their anger at someone dear to you?

And it's weird to negotiate those relationships later on, too.  I ran into someone recently who had been a youth leader when I was a young teenager.  She'd lived with our family for a time, as well.  My dad had conducted their wedding, and my brother was their ring-bearer.  And then, she and her husband left, angry at dad, over what I'm not even sure.  My dad worked to shield my brothers and I from some of that drama.  I've run into her from time to time over the years, and she's always been overly friendly.  An almost fake, over-compensating sort of friendly. (Or at least that's my perception of it.)  It's a weird thing - to negotiate this relationship that I consider quite damaged, and non-existent, while she's busy ignoring the history and the turmoil that she caused.  I saw her again just last weekend, and it was the same.  So odd.

I've left a church or two.

I've left the church that my dad pastors.  Twice. 

And I left a church that was home during a period of dramatic change and healing in my life.

I left dad's church the first time because I needed space - I was in the midst of a serious depression, and I needed to figure out this God thing without the incredible, watchful pressure that exists on a pastor's kid in a rather small congregation.  It's not easy to be watched, held up as "the example" when you're not even sure you believe anymore.  I needed to make that "do I actually believe this, or is it just because my parents told me so" journey.

I left the second time because, after returning for what was supposed to be a short stay, I'd stayed too long.  The move that was supposed to make it a short stay didn't materialize, and the smaller reasons I'd left in the first place - lack of peers, some theological disagreements, and the ongoing pastor's kid expectations, really hadn't changed.  It was also a season where I'd been deeply wounded by church and some close christian friends, and I needed a season of healing, away from prying eyes.

I left the church that had been home in between those stays at dad's church with many tears. I loved that place and the people there, but I felt cornered and unheard.  My concerns seemed to be dismissed.  I prayed and stayed, offering my voice wherever possible, but there came a time when God made it clear that it was time, now, to move on.  I left hoping that I could maintain some relationships that meant a lot there.  A few lasted, most did not.

It's not an easy topic, but I've appreciated the words of both Donald Miller and Pete Wilson on the topic these last couple days, and the various thoughts they've both stirred within me.

22 Years (and 1 Year)

When we were kids, once a year, we celebrated what our parents referred to as our "special birthday".  Essentially, they kept track of the day that we committed our lives to Christ, and honored that day once a year, reminding us of that moment.

It was 22 years ago today for me.  I was four.  To be honest, I think what I remember most is kneeling on the ugly, dark brown shag carpet that marked our living room in those days, next to the scratchy couch I'd been sitting on only moments before.  I know my mom was near me.  I've been told that there was a change in personality, that I'd wake joyfully in the coming days.

But I was four, and a lot of life has come between that moment and now.

A lot of questions.  A lot of recommitments.

And yet, every year April 20th arrives, and I can't help but think, "It's been such and such a number of years since I met Jesus."

Because in spite of all the years of questions.  The mental illness.  The depression and anxiety.  The bitterness.  The resentments and desire to wander.  The years of really challenging, faith-shaking moments.  In spite of all those things, Jesus just never left.  I didn't always see or sense him as I journeyed, but looking back I see him clearly.  And he just never left.  Even in the moments I wanted Him too, begged Him too.  He just never left.  22 years ago today I invited Him to spend my life with me, and yes, I was four, and couldn't grasp the full ramifications of that invitation, couldn't know the many things to come, but He began to walk so closely with me, and He's never left.  And 22 years of that is sort of worth remembering, I think.

~~~

One year ago today I'd just returned from a trip east to spend a few days with a very dear friend.  I'd been in very dark places for the year or so preceding that trip, and she knew it, and told me to come anyway.  I don't think I'll ever forget the conversations and moments we shared that weekend. 

I returned with a renewed committment to somehow find life again.  To ruthlessly, viciously choose life and joy instead of their alternatives.  I returned with her words, quoting Deuteronomy and God, ringing in my ears, "I have set before you death and life, blessings and curses, now choose life..."

One year ago today I ate three meals for the first time in years.  I started the process of combatting what was essentially an eating disorder that I'd developed as I walked through some dark and intense stresses emotionally, relationally and professionally.  My world had fallen apart and I'd stopped eating because I felt ill all the time.  I'd lost nearly 25 pounds after months of nausea from the stress, and I rarely ate more than 1 meal and a few snacks a day.  And during that season, I'd often felt, too, the call to fast.  From chocolate for weeks at a time.  From all food for a day or two here and there.  Between fasting and nausea, food wasn't exactly a high priority.

Tonight, at supper, I'll celebrated 365 days of eating three times a day.  Of taking vitamins and supplements that I believe have drastically helped balance out my body and begin restoring the reserves that the preceding years of intense stress had so depleted.

This has been a year's journey with Jesus too.  Of praying without the physical reminders of fasting that I'd sometimes come to rely on.  Of trusting him to heal and restore my exhausted and depleted body.  Of hoping and believing for the redemption of the many, many broken things that surrounded me.  Of conciously choosing, in different ways, life and joy.  Of counting progress day by day.  Marking meals with stickers in a little calendar in my purse.  Celebrating when I hit 10 days and 30 days and 90 days.

When I was out East a year ago, my friend gave me a calendar full of quotations from female saints.  I chuckled as I returned home and opened it.  I remember distinctly reading the quote that appears for yesterday, partly because of it's deep relevance to my journey at the time, and partly because it was the words of St. Clare of Assisi, a favorite saint of mine, one whose medal I wear most days on a little silver chain around my neck as a reminder of some deep moments with God.  I smiled again as I glanced at the calendar this morning.  I haven't yet turned today, but the quote seems somehow appropriate to round out this celebration of 22 years and 1 year, somehow appropriate as I look forward at the coming year, and desire to continue to choose life and joy.  Clare writes, "Melancholy is the poison of devotion.  When one is in tribulation, it is necessary to be more happy and more joyful because one is nearer to God."

Daily 5 - Day 249

For those who are curious, the background to the daily 5 can be found here.

Today's Daily 5:

1. Watching old episodes of ER on DVD
2. The funny little routines that have come to mark life at Grandma's
3. My dad unexpectedly having time to take my car to the mechanic for me today, instead of tomorrow as we'd planned, and calling me at work to offer to take care of that for me.
4. My "new" car passed the insurance inspection - I just have to fax in the paperwork tomorrow and it's all official.  Now I just need a name for it!
5. A mechanic who is very kind in what he charges me for - because he had done maintenance on the car for the previous owner, he didn't charge me for the inspection, just the oil change he also did today at my request.  I also love that he's really honest - he'll tell me if something is wrong with the car, and then he'll tell me if it needs to be fixed right away, or if it's something that can just be watched for the time-being.  It's so nice as a less than car savvy girl to have a mechanic who I know and trust.  I'd be in so much trouble if I ever move away from Calgary and my mechanic - I'm definitely the biggest target around when it comes to being dumb about car stuff!
6. I made pasta for dinner tonight and froze 4 meals.  It made enough for my supper tonight, lunch tomorrow, and four frozen meals.  Cooking for one is a pain, but if I can store a few favorite meals like this in the freezer, it should help with combating the less than healthy eating habits that have reared their ugly head since my arrival in Grandma's house.  I'm hoping to freeze a few other meals over the coming weeks, sort of cooking a "normal" sized (i.e. not for one person) meal, and then freezing several portions for work lunches or suppers on those nights when cooking is just too time consuming.  I'd specifically like to make some mini lasagna's to take out and pop in the oven.  The freezing thing works well for me, too, since I don't like to eat a ton of leftovers.  If I can pull it out in a couple of weeks, it's so much more likely to not get wasted.
7. I'm still really enjoying the audio book, "Stuff Christians Like" that I've been listening to most recently.  It's brought a lot of smiles as I've been sitting on the train and bus listening.  It's also the free audio book of the month on Christianaudio.com
8. I'm loving the book, "Jesus Freak" by Sara Miles that I've been reading as well.
9. Filtered water for drinking (from a glass bottle)
10. Watching a couple of movies in the background on my laptop in the last day or so, as I've been working on other stuff.

Great Article by Bono

It's no secret that I'm a fan of U2, not just for their music, but for Bono's work to use his fame as currency and raise awareness of the major issues of poverty and social injustice in our time.

He wrote a great Op-Ed piece for the New York times recently.  Definitely worth the few minutes it will take to read it, if only for the fact that it presents hope.

Dream

A friend posted this video tonight, and I found it lovely, and thought I'd share it with you.

On My Radar Today

Donald Miller wrote this great piece on "Asking People to Leave Church"

I loved this piece on new life at Ragamuffin Diva

And, as a dear friend of mine is currently in Malta, and was attending the Papal Mass, I've been following headlines about the pope's weekend visit to Malta.

Pope Cries in Malta Victim Meeting

Pope Reaches Five Year Mark with Church Mired in Scandal

Pope Cries with Church Abuse Victims in Malta

Pope and Church Satisfied with Papal Visit

Abuse Victims Say Meeting with Pope Gave Them Peace

Malta Set to Greet Pope Benedict

Pope Benedict's Historic Malta Visit Ends

Monday morning basics

I have a car now, did I mention that on the weekend?

But I still took the train to work today.  I find driving stressful at the best of times, and even more so since my car accident in late January.  So, I cut off the time I spend on the bus by driving my car to my parent's house, parking it there, and walking to catch the train.  They live about a 3 minute walk from a train station.  My plan is to still take the train 3-4 days a week, using this new method.  I've found I greatly appreciate that quiet time in the mornings and after work, time where I can simply worship, or listen to a sermon or audiobook.  Without the stress of focusing on the road while I listen, or worship or pray.

It was nice to sleep a bit later, and to dress for the day in a slightly less hurried fashion.  The advantage of not having to be at the bus stop by exactly 6:54 am.

If I take the train 3-4 days a week, I can justify the purchase of a bus pass.  I'm fairly certain that I'll save the cost of the bus pass in gas, and the bus pass is a tax deduction at the end of the year.  Not a huge one, but a deduction none-the-less.  And, not only is less driving less stress, but it fits well with my desire to live more simply, and more environmentally friendly.  Especially since my car is quite old, and probably not the most fuel efficient vehicle on the planet.

It's Monday and the air conditioner in our office building is broken.  There is a call in to the provider, and hopefully we'll get some movement on this today.  We've hit the first hot weather of the season, and we're on the top floor, and it is HOT in here.  (And if I'm saying it's hot, it really must be, since I'm generally always cold!)  I'm particularly invested in someone coming to fix the air conditioner because I'm the one on our staff that people will complain to and grump at because they're too warm.

I'm thinking, given the heat, that I'll skip my planned bowl of oatmeal for breakfast, and eat the mini cinnamon buns that I brought with me instead.  A tasty was to start the day.  I'll probably skip my mug of tea as well, though that I'll miss just a little bit more.

I'm just thankful that I went with the impulse to wear a skirt and short-sleeved top this morning.

So, it's Monday morning, and those are the basics right now.

Heat.  Water.  Finding ways to utilize my car, but still be less stressed.  Breakfast.  And maybe tea.

Daily 5 - Day 248

Today's Daily 5:

1. A beautifully white top, purchased to form an outfit.
2. Waking to an early morning phone call from my former roommate, L., in the UK.  It was lovely to be woken and spend a half hour laughing and catching up on each other's current situations.  And, she's acting as a live-in helper to a grumpy 90 year old gentleman, so there was much sympathizing for each other's particularly challenging and trying living situations involving elderly people just presently.
3. A short drive to do errands, in the sunshine.
4. Feeling like the day was quiet, but oh so very productive.
5. The best kind of Sunday, full of things I love, little joys of marking things off lists, conversation with friends and family, emails, good food, and rest.

Through the Rain

Kelle Hampton's blog is beautiful.

And tonight, these lines from her most recent post caught me deeply:  "it hit me...what a beautiful thing it is to be able to fully feel sadness and fear, annoyance and bitterness, loneliness and desperation and to know that they are real and meaningful feelings, but they are replaceable, reversible and recoverable--with time, and the more we submerge ourselves in little pleasures from avocado body butters to inhaling the tiny breaths of a snuggled newborn, the more we learn to accept the duration of the rain, to let it seep deep into our soul to renew parched roots, and to find richer beauty once it subsides and its rewards make themselves known."

may I be a person who learns to accept the duration of the rain, to find refreshing in it, and to let it grow things deep within my soul.

What Kind of Berry Are You?

A Sunday morning quiz!  Actually, I've never even tasted this particular berry, though I've heard of it, but parts of the description are very true of me!

You Are a Açaí Berry

On the one hand, you tend to be very controversial. People are always talking about you and trying to figure you out. On the other hand, you are quite wholesome and humble. You don't know what all of the fuss is about. You are unsettled in your life. You're not sure what you want yet, and you're a bit of a searcher. If there's one thing you know, it's that you crave adventure and travels. You want to see as much of the world as you can.

What Type of Berry Are You?

The First Rule of Blogthings Is: You Don't Talk About Blogthings

Daily 5 - Day 247

Today's Daily 5:

1. Drove my "new" car for the first time - a trip to get groceries.  Yes, it's a boring first drive, but after nearly three months of either borrowing a car, or taking the bus to do these errands, it was so freeing to just be able to do it on my own.  Only one insurance inspection hurdle left (no big deal, but couldn't do it on the weekend) and it's all officially official and I'll be back to driving free and clear.
2. Dinner at Mom and Dad's.
3. Watching "The Princess Diaries" with mom and laughing and laughing.
4. crazy worship all weekend at the conference I've been attending
5. buying some items for a creative project I'm going to try tomorrow

No Grid

I've been at a conference the last three nights.

If you ask, I'd probably tell you that I was getting my crazy charismatic fix for the next while.  I don't have a lot of opportunities to be in a more wildly charismatic environment in person these days, so I get my fill where I can.

But some of the evenings of the conference were even outside of my grid for processing.

I'm still laughing over last night's crazy worship party.  Though mostly because it turns out that the speakers, Georgian and Winnie Banov, were some of the people behind classic kids songs like "Bullfrogs and Butterflies" and "The Music Machine" and "Agapeland" kids tapes.  I loved those tapes as a kid, but let me tell you, the rather conservative church I grew up in, that sanctioned those tapes, had clearly never seen Georgian and Winnie live and in person.  Ever.  Because it was off the hook crazy.

And I've been laughing all day as I think about those lovely little kids tapes that were so sedate, and taught the fruits of the spirit (does anyone else remember that song about the snail, "Have patience, have patience, don't be in such a hurry..."), and then in my head I picture the scene from last night and start laughing all over again.  I'd shared the funny conflicting images with a friend of mine by email when I got home last night, knowing she'd likely remember the kids songs too, and find the image as funny as I did, and I laughed aloud when I read the following line in a reply from her this morning, "inwardly giggles...and hopes Lisa doesn't drink anything while Mr. Music Machine is bopping all over the stage because if something strikes her funny then laughing with a mouth full of water could get messy ;-) hee, hee"

(Just for your information, I didn't drink any water during worship at this morning's session, but I did laugh to myself a few times remembering your comment LP/CA !)

So, that's been my last few days.  Lots of experiences, basically all good, that I'm greatly amused by, and not quite certain how to absorb and process.

Daily 5 - Day 246

Today's Daily 5:

1. Holding baby A. for a while tonight at the conference.
2. Friday
3. Jeans at work
4. The deep sense of God's nearness, all day.
5. Late night conversations in a dark car with friends

You Want me to What?

Maybe I'm the only one, but I have a nearly constant internal narration or dialogue.

Years ago, I worked to cultivate that as part of my prayer life, and I try to be consistently internally dialoguing with God throughout my day.

Lately that dialogue has held a somewhat shrieky tone at times.

Usually just moments after God asks me to do something that seems, well, insane.

My response tends to be an internally shrieked, "YOU WANT ME TO WHAT???"  (As a side note, I wish I could add sound to my blog - I'd be happy to demonstrate the audio version of this particular statement.)

Because some of the requests have just been crazy.

And the results?  Well, they've been crazy too.

I had one of those conversations last night, about a particular situation.

To be fair, this time God gave me some advance warning.  He doesn't usually do that.  I had a bit of time between the request, and the execution, and it helped.

But a day later I'm still laughing at the fully ironic and ridiculous nature of what ensued in what was supposed to be just a quiet evening of me attending a conference with some friends, soaking up some time in God's presence in a different format than is readily available to me these days.  (Did I mention that I'd been looking forward to that evening for weeks, and God's plans were, umm, quite a bit different from what I'd had in mind?)

It's a good story for sharing over tea sometime - ask me, and I'll be happy to oblige.  With sound effects.

In the meantime, am I the only one screeching "You want me to what?" at God on a semi-regular basis lately?

Weighty Headspace

I'm in a weird headspace this morning.  A good one, but weird, in that it is rare and unusual.

I haven't felt like this since a particular lovely day last fall in Stratford, filled with a crazy church service, twirling beside the river, swans, and dear friends.  It's a funny, weight of God's presence very near, sort of headspace.  I hope it doesn't go away for a while, even if it does have me giggling at random moments as I sit here in my office.

I have blog posts brewing and bubbling inside me at the moment, too.  I'm not totally sure when in the next few days I'll get a chance to write them, but there are posts about things like a humorous potential new tagline for the blog, and moving into Grandma's house, and one with the title "You Want Me to What???"

In the meantime, I'm going to sit here and enjoy this weighty, joyful, peaceful headspace.  This presence of God near.  And I'm going to laugh at some of the crazy, ironic, "god has a bizarre sense of humor" events that have shaped my week, and wonder what else this week will hold.  And I'm going to make myself a cup of tea.  Because it seems like passion tea will go well with this headspace.

Daily 5 - Day 245

Today's Daily 5:

1. I ate good, healthy, home-made food for lunch again today.
2. I heard Heidi Baker speak, live, tonight.  Very fun.
3. Some definitely crazy God adventures today, that aren't quite ready for public consumption.
4. Thankful for friends who pray and listen and support me
5. I wore a skirt to work today - that means it must truly finally be sort of spring (no guarantees, I know, until like, umm, June).  But I love skirts, and it was fun to wear one today.

Stuff I'm Thinking About

I have a whole mish-mash of thoughts running through my head today, on a wide variety of issues, ideas and plans.

I'm definitely going to buy the stuff and try my hand at making one of these - how pretty is that?

I live in a dark basement where no plants can survive, but I've become a houseplant evangelist overnight, and as soon as I move to someplace that has light again, I'm going to buy a whole bunch.  In fact, I'm going to start by getting several for my office.  Why, you ask?  I read this article last night, that informed me that sometimes the air inside of the building is more toxic than the air outside, and that houseplants, and in particular certain plants, do an incredible job of removing those toxins from the air.  Very cool.

And, since I've been all about finding ways to live simply and "green" lately, as soon as I have a place of my own again, I'm going to give making my own household cleaners a try too.  I have some friends who have started doing that lately, and had good results, so I think I'll give it a shot.  I was always doubtful that you could properly clean something without chemicals, but it seems like investing in having less toxins in the air is probably good, not only for the environment in general, but for me, since I tend to be a bit chemically sensitive.  I found an article here with recipes for a bunch of basic homemade cleaning products, and I'm going to give it a shot.

I'm amazed by this story about how a volcanic erruption in Iceland is wreaking havoc on European air travel, and I'm thinking about a friend who flew through Heathrow the other day, and will be coming back through next week.

I'm scheming about ways to save money on groceries for a little while, and still eat healthy and I think I'm going to attempt to buy minimally and really use up the stuff I've collected in the pantry and freezer.  As best I can figure, I should really only have to buy some fresh veggies and fruit, and maybe some bread and chicken (just to break up the monotony of beef and pork that's in my freezer) for a while.  Maybe even a month or two.  Sweet.

I'm pondering how much harder it has been to keep up the habits of eating healthy since moving into Grandma's house because of the poorly equipped kitchen and the general lack of motivation to cook while being closely watched by my rather nosy Grandmother, and I'm trying to come up with ways around that, since I've definitely noticed the difference in how well I feel as my healthier habits have taken a nosedive.  I'm remembering how well it worked to cook two meals at once earlier this week and just stash them in the fridge for the remainder of the week, and I'm considering the merits of batch cooking and freezing a whole bunch of individual meals for myself.  If any of you are in Calgary and are interested in getting together some Saturday to cook several meals for freezing and easy access later, let me know, I'd love to cook with you!

Living in what has been an extremely challenging, and often toxic environment for the last nearly two months has left me thinking a lot again about what I want when I finally manage to have a home of my own.  Simple, and as enviromentally friendly as possible are what I'm leaning towards.

Also, I want to garden.  I want to grow herbs, and maybe some of my own vegetables, or check into Community Supported Agriculture, or at least patronize the Farmer's Market more regularly again.  That last one should be easier to do soon.  I'm within a week of having a car that is driveable again.

And with that, I'd better dive back into the many things demanding my attention.

He still sees a person

I mentioned yesterday that one of my brothers, J, currently works for a local social services agency, as an aide of sorts in a home for teenagers with severe emotional and behavioural issues.

On Tuesday, he was forced to restrain a teenage girl, to prevent her from harming herself or others.  In the process of restraining her (it took three grown men), she spat in J's eye, and bit him on his shoulder.

He's seen a doctor, who wasn't too concerned about the bite, and is getting bloodwork done, just to make sure she didn't transmit any diseases when she spat in his eye and bit him.  He's okay.

But his response is what struck me.

We traded text messages about the incident for a little while yesterday, and, after assuring me that he was fine, his response was this, "I understand the need to restrain her, but it still sucks, to have to hold her down, and to get spat at and bitten."

What struck me was this - he still sees a person.  Not someone evil who broke a lot of rules and is a danger to herself and others.  But a girl, who needs help.  A girl, who, while he'll restrain her to prevent injury to herself and others, is still a girl, and one who he regretted having to restrain.  He sees the person behind the issues in these teenagers, and that challenges me.

Because with that many issues, and after being bitten and spat at, I'd have a hard time seeing anything but a person who bit me and spat at me.

J. and I didn't get along for a lot of years, and it's only within the last year that we've begun patching together a tentatively functional friendship.  We are about as opposite as two siblings can be.

And yet, yesterday, with one line in a text message, Jesus borrowed his voice, and he taught me something.

He sees a person.

I think Jesus probably did too - when he was beaten and spat at and hanging on a cross.  He cried out "Father, forgive them, they don't know what they do."

I read a powerful post at Donald Miller's blog this morning about what kind of story you're telling, and what happens if you don't tell a good story.  And this morning I'm grateful for my brother, who told a story of love and acceptance.  Who saw a human being, and loved her, even when she bit him and spat on him.

Daily 5 - 245

Today's Daily 5:

1. I think this time I've finally gotten things straightened out with Enmax.  And, after ten months of fighting with them to sort out a billing problem, the supervisor I dealt with was surprisingly helpful and accommodating.
2. Picked out a great new purse on clearance at my favorite clothing shop tonight, and then got it to the cash register and found out it was ten dollars cheaper than the marked price.
3. Really enjoyed the butter chicken that I cooked last night when I ate it for lunch today.
4. Loving Sara Miles' "Jesus Freak" as I'm slowly reading it.
5. Loving the audio version of "Stuff Christians Like" as I'm listening my way through that as well.
6. Challenged by my middle brother
7. Glad to have heard that a friend who was traveling with some potential complications arrived safely at her destination
   

Worth Checking Out

Angie wrote this beautiful post the other day.

There's been lots of good stuff at Donald Miller's blog lately.  He's been posting far more regularly.  I particularly enjoyed today's post, "How I Learned to Like Exercise, and Like Some Other Things Too" (which I'm having trouble linking to, so you'll have to find it on your own!)

Rambly Thoughts

I'm feeling quite rambly again.

I'm thinking and praying, still, for a dear friend in transit on the other side of the world.  Wondering if she made her connections, or if there were problems, and waiting to hear.

I'm thinking about my brother, J., who works for a local social services agency, in a home for severely challenged teenagers.  Kids with emotional and developmental difficulties.  I need to text him later today and find out if he's okay.  He had to physically restrain a girl yesterday and came out a little the worse for the wear.  It took three grown men to restrain her, and J. was bit and she spat in his eye.  Last I heard he was headed for a clinic and a lab to get the wound cleaned out, and get some blood work done.  If I know J., within a week, he'll have found a way to make it a hilarious story.  He's uniquely talented for the job - where I would see only the rules, he sees and enforces the rules, but still finds a way to see the kids.  I think he's headed back to his usual summer landscaping job within a few weeks, but last I heard he was hoping to return to this agency in the fall, and work for them through the school year.  So, I'll wait a while, and then I'll text him and find out how he's doing.

I'm debating evening plans.  There's a conference going on at a local church that I want to attend, but I'm not feeling highly motivated to go alone tonight.  I have friends to attend with the next several days, but not tonight.  I might go anyway.  Or I might go shopping.  I need a good pair of walking shoes.  I've been putting it off, but I need to take care of that soon.  Or maybe I'll just go home and have one more evening of rest before diving into the busy rest of the week.

I'm still laughing over last's night's cooking adventures.  I mentioned in yesterday's daily 5 that since my grandma was out for the evening, I took advantage of the quiet and did a whole bunch of cooking, knowing that the remainder of the week would be crazily busy, and I wouldn't have a chance to cook, and just barely time to eat.  However, her knives are less than useful (a dull paring knife with a 2" blade, and a 30 year old serrated bread knife) and though I searched high and low, I couldn't find a frying pan to save my life.  I did however manage to cook butter chicken with couscous, and italian pork chops with sweet baby bell peppers and roasted potatoes.  And it all tasted great.  I only had a bite of the butter chicken last night, just to try it, and then had pork chops and potatoes for supper.  I'm quite looking forward to my lunch of butter chicken today.

I'm thinking about banking, because I need to do some at lunch.

And about payday, because I need to hand out paystubs to our staff today, and how that nice sum of money will "magicly" appear in my account in the morning.

I'm thinking about praying with oatmeal and tea and lots of funny little reminders to pray.

I'm wishing my former roommate, L., was only a phone call away, because I think she'd be fun to laugh with, over some of the many funny adventures I've had lately.  Cooking at grandmas, the attack of the stupid little dog, J. being bitten by one of his charges.  And because I'd love to hear about the places she's exploring overseas, and how her new job is going.  I guess I'll have to email her soon.

And I'm thinking about the friends I've made, scattered around the blog world, and praying for them too - the ones I've met in person, and the ones I've corresponded with via emails and blog comments.  And about how cool it is to connect in this way, in this sharing of hearts over the internet.

And with that, I'd better dive into my busy day!