It was my turn to leave early on the long weekend.
I was feeling the need for a little bit of self-care, and had booked an appointment for a pedicure and my first ever manicure. Will I ever be the kind of girl who does this all the time? No. Will I continue doing it every two or three months for relaxation? Yep. An hour or so where I could just let my mind be blank, focusing only on the girl massaging my legs, painting my nails, and massaging my hands was very much needed today.
I followed it up with several trip related errands, then home to do a bit of organizing (my energy levels are requiring me to take it pretty slow in the evenings these days), eat some dinner and do some emailing.
I've been watching a bit of a Jesus Culture conference from Redding, California online tonight. I quite enjoy Bill Johnson's teaching, and that church is one of the ones on my list of "I'd like to spend a Sunday there sometime." It's been nice to have the conference session playing in the background as I've moved around the house tonight.
I made a quick trip to my parent's place, and ended up crying and chatting with my mom. After I'd finished crying through an email exchange with a very dear friend who is in so many ways the mother of my heart. I had to laugh, because while these two women are usually quite different, they were saying the same things to me tonight!
So, that's my evening. Rest, tears, some encouragement, and a conference live via the internet.
It will be pretty quiet around here for the next three days. I'm driving to another province to attend a wedding on Sunday. It'll be a bit of a challenging wedding for me to attend thanks to the guest list and a few other circumstances. So, I'm praying for a God-given ability to find joy and peace. To truly push into being myself. To not let the circumstances push me into being a smaller person - being less of who I am. But mostly for joy. And safe travels, since George is old, and it's a rather long trip. My roommate is making the trip with me, and serving as my "date" to the wedding. We'd definitely appreciate your prayers for safety and all of the other things.
I've scheduled at least one post to go up each day I'm gone, and quite frankly, some of it I had a hard time not publishing immediately when I was getting it ready! It's unlikely that I'll have access to the internet while we're away, so I'll be back to blogging live and in person on Monday night. See you then!
Friday, July 31, 2009
Revisiting A Heart That's Seen
I've been thinking a lot about this post this week - from very early this year.
Remembering how nice it was in the midst of exhaustion and panic to be surrounded by two dear friends who were both far away. How nice it was to have my heart seen, and to be encouraged. How lovely it was to be loved by them. (How lovely it still is to be loved by them.)
In fact, earlier this week I went back and re-read the online conversations I had with both friends that night. The circumstances of that particular panic spell are deeply ingrained in my mind, and were close to the surface of my memory again this week, as I dealt with some things involving the same approximate situation.
The words of one friend in particular from that night have been buoying me this week, echoing in my heart a bit. "You're a good woman, Lisa." This particular friend, who I get to see far too rarely given that we live in the same city, has often said variations of these sorts of things to me. And sometimes, sometimes they just make me laugh. But sometimes, sometimes those words buoy me, in the weeks when I'm feeling attacked, questioned, and unseen. In the moments when my heart is weary from the fight his words come back, and I realize this person whom I respect deeply, who I know to be a man who loves God and people, and a man who lives with a deep morality and integrity, respects me too. Even though he's seen me at my some of my worst moments. And that, that is deeply encouraging to me this week.
Remembering how nice it was in the midst of exhaustion and panic to be surrounded by two dear friends who were both far away. How nice it was to have my heart seen, and to be encouraged. How lovely it was to be loved by them. (How lovely it still is to be loved by them.)
In fact, earlier this week I went back and re-read the online conversations I had with both friends that night. The circumstances of that particular panic spell are deeply ingrained in my mind, and were close to the surface of my memory again this week, as I dealt with some things involving the same approximate situation.
The words of one friend in particular from that night have been buoying me this week, echoing in my heart a bit. "You're a good woman, Lisa." This particular friend, who I get to see far too rarely given that we live in the same city, has often said variations of these sorts of things to me. And sometimes, sometimes they just make me laugh. But sometimes, sometimes those words buoy me, in the weeks when I'm feeling attacked, questioned, and unseen. In the moments when my heart is weary from the fight his words come back, and I realize this person whom I respect deeply, who I know to be a man who loves God and people, and a man who lives with a deep morality and integrity, respects me too. Even though he's seen me at my some of my worst moments. And that, that is deeply encouraging to me this week.
Smile List (Redux)
A few more items, because I'm still needing to remember to be thankful and joyful this morning, and remembering that is still a definite struggle...
- plans to get both a manicure and a pedicure after work tonight. I'm cringing just a little (with the very practical side of me) at the thought of spending money on something I can do for myself, but know that being pampered a little is probably a good thing right now.
- a mandarin orange for breakfast
- that it was easy to find the appropriate maps and directions for the trip I'm making this weekend
- that I did sleep for at least a few hours last night
- Friday casual day at the office - hello blue jeans and a nice t-shirt!
- my turn to leave the office early on a long weekend - someone else is manning the phones for the last hour and a half today
- "Revelation Song" by Kim Walker
- "Be Ok" by Ingrid Michaelson
- Hemp hand protector and Hemp lip balm from The Body Shop
- the art in my office (a post on that coming soon)
- that I'll only be working 3 days next week
- that George seems to be running well, and I won't need to rent a car for this weekend's trip
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Desperately needed smiles...
Because I'm desperately needing the reminders tonight, these are a few things I'm thankful for, things that are making me smile...
- good Chinese leftovers for lunch every day this week
- having our landlord decide to change the venting system on our dryer so that it no longer sets off our smoke alarm every time we use it.
- good sales at Ikea tonight (even though I'm having trouble assembling the product I bought)
- finding the music I was looking for available for download on itunes
- not having to cook dinner tonight
- an email exchange that reminded me that a dear friend knows my heart, even when I feel quite exhausted, buried, frustrated and invisible, and loves it.
- an email from my brother, wondering if he and his girlfriend could spend the evening of my birthday with me
- comfy pajamas
- much needed relief from the heat with a summer rain storm
- peanut m&m's
- a funny gift (a sleeping bag!) from my mom, who bought it at the grocery store yesterday of all places and then phoned me at work to tell me she'd bought me a present.
- potential plans to do something a bit "girly" and restful tomorrow afternoon after work
- that Jesus still speaks, even when I'm hiding for him, and wish he wouldn't speak.
Not quite sure...
I am trying to rest.
Stillness is hard.
My body physically refused to allow me to clean and putter tonight. I got home from work and a few after work errands, and collapsed. Thankfully, my roommate had made dinner. I ate, showered, and then, as my roommate put it "blobbed out" on first my bed, and then the couch.
My heart shies away from being still right now. I think I'm a bit afraid of what further depths of Jesus could mean. And yet, I long for Him...
Actually, my heart literally feels skittish, like it's skirting around the edges, but unwilling to draw near.
I woke at a very specific hour in the middle of the night (one of many times I woke through the night, but this one stood out) and found myself having thoughts of regret. Regret that I'd made a particular vow to Jesus. Regret that I needed to continue to live that vow out. The lines from the Bruggemann prayer I posted earlier today came back, as I considered what it was to once again discover the "hard deep obedience".
so, I'm again trying to find ways to choose life in the midst of this exhaustion... to find joy...
Stillness is hard.
My body physically refused to allow me to clean and putter tonight. I got home from work and a few after work errands, and collapsed. Thankfully, my roommate had made dinner. I ate, showered, and then, as my roommate put it "blobbed out" on first my bed, and then the couch.
My heart shies away from being still right now. I think I'm a bit afraid of what further depths of Jesus could mean. And yet, I long for Him...
Actually, my heart literally feels skittish, like it's skirting around the edges, but unwilling to draw near.
I woke at a very specific hour in the middle of the night (one of many times I woke through the night, but this one stood out) and found myself having thoughts of regret. Regret that I'd made a particular vow to Jesus. Regret that I needed to continue to live that vow out. The lines from the Bruggemann prayer I posted earlier today came back, as I considered what it was to once again discover the "hard deep obedience".
so, I'm again trying to find ways to choose life in the midst of this exhaustion... to find joy...
A Hard Deep Call to Obedience
I read this prayer by Walter Bruggemann just before I fell asleep last night, and felt the truth of it hitting my soul deeply as I prayed it back to Jesus...
You are the God who makes extravagant promises.
We relish your great promises
of fidelity
and presence
and solidarity,
and we exude in them.
Only to find out, always too late,
that your promise always comes
in the midst of a hard, deep call to obedience.
You are the God who calls people like us,
and the long list of mothers and fathers before us,
who trusted the promise enough to keep the call.
So we give you thanks that you are a calling God,
who calls always to dangerous new places.
We pray enough of your grace and mercy among us
that we may be among those
who believe your promises enough
to respond to your call.
We pray in the one who embodied your promise
and enacted your call, even Jesus. Amen.
You are the God who makes extravagant promises.
We relish your great promises
of fidelity
and presence
and solidarity,
and we exude in them.
Only to find out, always too late,
that your promise always comes
in the midst of a hard, deep call to obedience.
You are the God who calls people like us,
and the long list of mothers and fathers before us,
who trusted the promise enough to keep the call.
So we give you thanks that you are a calling God,
who calls always to dangerous new places.
We pray enough of your grace and mercy among us
that we may be among those
who believe your promises enough
to respond to your call.
We pray in the one who embodied your promise
and enacted your call, even Jesus. Amen.
Stillness
The ability to simply "be still", I'm discovering, is not the easiest thing to develop. That was the thought that hit me as I was driving to work this morning.
By all accounts, I should be good at "still." I'm an introvert, who prefers quiet and alone to noise and people. Most of my happiest moments are alone, or with the few people with whom my relationship is so natural that I feel as free as if I were alone. In fact, I force myself to schedule social events in my daily life most of the time, and, while I enjoy them as a general rule, there is still often the sense that time alone would have been equally if not more enjoyable.
There are moments where I am easily able to move into stillness. And moments when stillness is the space in which I am able to live.
These last few months have not held those moments.
I've felt the adrenaline coursing through my veins. The stress of hunting for a place to live, the relief of finding one relatively easily. The stress of packing, then moving, and then unpacking. The end of wedding central with a wedding out of town. Family obligations. Dealing with moving various utilities to our new house. Taking care of the need to upgrade and renew my drivers license. Wondering if the money would hold out in the midst of somewhat higher than usual financial obligations. Anticipating another out of town wedding that will hold both joy and some very big challenges for my heart. Working through some very challenging relational issues. Some frustrating health setbacks. And God working deeply in some very raw and painful spots in my heart. Intense and vivid dreams. Launching a new product at work, and this week having a week where because of a vacation, I'm juggling my own job and another job with full-time responsibilities. Hot weather that my body doesn't handle very well. All coupled with many weeks where sleep was fleeting if it came at all. I've felt almost manic in my desperate attempt to juggle it all, and my continuous reminders to myself to "not be stressed, these things don't matter hugely in the grand scheme of life."
There have been "oasis" moments. A conversation with a new friend in a coffee shop that unexpectedly went to the deep places quickly, and reminded me of the things my heart loves. A period of time sitting in a mountain-top meadow, praying. A beautiful wild rose, shielded by a stone and the roots of a tree, near my favorite lake. But the moments have been a bit fleeting, and I am weary.
I've known for a bit now that I was running on fumes. That I was becoming deeply soul weary. The crash came suddenly, but not totally unexpectedly last night. I'd simply been hoping that it would wait to come until after this long weekend full of obligations.
It didn't.
So. I'm thinking about stillness, and how, after a season that has been nearly manic, it's hard to settle back into that place of stillness. About how I'm banking on a few short days off to be restorative, but how I realized this morning that if I can't manage to find stillness before those days, I will be unlikely to find it then. About how I fear that though I desperately need to meet Jesus, he won't show up in the time I've set aside for that, and how I fear the bereft and broken way that will make me feel. About the rational voice that reminds me that I'm in trouble if I'm only meeting with Jesus in the rare times when I can carve out a few days for him, and that I'm not meeting with him in my daily life.
Stillness is not my best skill when I'm coming off a time of driving, nearly manic stress, but I'm going to make an effort at it for the next couple of days. I'm going to try to do things that my heart loves, and that I find restful. Please don't laugh at me when I tell you that one of those things is a trip to Ikea to buy some much needed organizational supplies, followed by unpacking. It's starting to bother me that there are things scattered around our living room, and it will help me to be still if I can get that last bit of unpacking off of my plate. So, I'm going to take my time shopping. I'm going to rest and read. I'm going to intentionally (more than ususal, since I do this nightly) spend some time in scripture. I'm going to restore order to some places where my stressful month has left havoc - physical and emotional spaces.
And I'm going to practice stillness, push into it, rather than backing away from it, remembering a moment just recently where my heart was nearly still, and I turned away from the calming things, back towards that driving mania and stress (and paid for it at the cost of a night of sleep.)
By all accounts, I should be good at "still." I'm an introvert, who prefers quiet and alone to noise and people. Most of my happiest moments are alone, or with the few people with whom my relationship is so natural that I feel as free as if I were alone. In fact, I force myself to schedule social events in my daily life most of the time, and, while I enjoy them as a general rule, there is still often the sense that time alone would have been equally if not more enjoyable.
There are moments where I am easily able to move into stillness. And moments when stillness is the space in which I am able to live.
These last few months have not held those moments.
I've felt the adrenaline coursing through my veins. The stress of hunting for a place to live, the relief of finding one relatively easily. The stress of packing, then moving, and then unpacking. The end of wedding central with a wedding out of town. Family obligations. Dealing with moving various utilities to our new house. Taking care of the need to upgrade and renew my drivers license. Wondering if the money would hold out in the midst of somewhat higher than usual financial obligations. Anticipating another out of town wedding that will hold both joy and some very big challenges for my heart. Working through some very challenging relational issues. Some frustrating health setbacks. And God working deeply in some very raw and painful spots in my heart. Intense and vivid dreams. Launching a new product at work, and this week having a week where because of a vacation, I'm juggling my own job and another job with full-time responsibilities. Hot weather that my body doesn't handle very well. All coupled with many weeks where sleep was fleeting if it came at all. I've felt almost manic in my desperate attempt to juggle it all, and my continuous reminders to myself to "not be stressed, these things don't matter hugely in the grand scheme of life."
There have been "oasis" moments. A conversation with a new friend in a coffee shop that unexpectedly went to the deep places quickly, and reminded me of the things my heart loves. A period of time sitting in a mountain-top meadow, praying. A beautiful wild rose, shielded by a stone and the roots of a tree, near my favorite lake. But the moments have been a bit fleeting, and I am weary.
I've known for a bit now that I was running on fumes. That I was becoming deeply soul weary. The crash came suddenly, but not totally unexpectedly last night. I'd simply been hoping that it would wait to come until after this long weekend full of obligations.
It didn't.
So. I'm thinking about stillness, and how, after a season that has been nearly manic, it's hard to settle back into that place of stillness. About how I'm banking on a few short days off to be restorative, but how I realized this morning that if I can't manage to find stillness before those days, I will be unlikely to find it then. About how I fear that though I desperately need to meet Jesus, he won't show up in the time I've set aside for that, and how I fear the bereft and broken way that will make me feel. About the rational voice that reminds me that I'm in trouble if I'm only meeting with Jesus in the rare times when I can carve out a few days for him, and that I'm not meeting with him in my daily life.
Stillness is not my best skill when I'm coming off a time of driving, nearly manic stress, but I'm going to make an effort at it for the next couple of days. I'm going to try to do things that my heart loves, and that I find restful. Please don't laugh at me when I tell you that one of those things is a trip to Ikea to buy some much needed organizational supplies, followed by unpacking. It's starting to bother me that there are things scattered around our living room, and it will help me to be still if I can get that last bit of unpacking off of my plate. So, I'm going to take my time shopping. I'm going to rest and read. I'm going to intentionally (more than ususal, since I do this nightly) spend some time in scripture. I'm going to restore order to some places where my stressful month has left havoc - physical and emotional spaces.
And I'm going to practice stillness, push into it, rather than backing away from it, remembering a moment just recently where my heart was nearly still, and I turned away from the calming things, back towards that driving mania and stress (and paid for it at the cost of a night of sleep.)
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Weary
My roommate just ordered me to bed. We were talking, I expressed how weary I've become, she took a closer look at me and ordered me to go to bed. "You don't look well."
I'm not well. I think I will be again. But I'm not in this moment.
I'm exhausted. I've been buoyed through the many challenges of these last few months by prayers, adrenaline, and few brief oasis moments. And I'm pretty spent, with two days of work left this week, then another challenging and draining trip over the weekend, and then three more days of work before I finally have a little bit of jealously guarded and carefully scheduled down-time.
I made a decision last night that I think will ultimately bring some freedom and relief, at least for a time. But right now it's a decision that, as right as it seems to be deep within me, is causing pain and grief as well.
I've had enamorment, and deep hatred in turns for 24/7 prayer, but tonight, tonight my mind is being drawn back to a line from "The Vision" that Pete Greig wrote, "my feeble, whispered, faithless prayer invokes a thunderous, resounding, bone-shaking great 'Amen!' from countless angels, from heroes of the the faith, from Christ himself..."
I sort of need that to be true tonight. I need to be buoyed on the prayers of the saints, on the voices of angels, on the faith of others. Because tonight I'm feeling feeble, barely able to summon even a whisper, and most definitely exhausted and faithless.
I'm not well. I think I will be again. But I'm not in this moment.
I'm exhausted. I've been buoyed through the many challenges of these last few months by prayers, adrenaline, and few brief oasis moments. And I'm pretty spent, with two days of work left this week, then another challenging and draining trip over the weekend, and then three more days of work before I finally have a little bit of jealously guarded and carefully scheduled down-time.
I made a decision last night that I think will ultimately bring some freedom and relief, at least for a time. But right now it's a decision that, as right as it seems to be deep within me, is causing pain and grief as well.
I've had enamorment, and deep hatred in turns for 24/7 prayer, but tonight, tonight my mind is being drawn back to a line from "The Vision" that Pete Greig wrote, "my feeble, whispered, faithless prayer invokes a thunderous, resounding, bone-shaking great 'Amen!' from countless angels, from heroes of the the faith, from Christ himself..."
I sort of need that to be true tonight. I need to be buoyed on the prayers of the saints, on the voices of angels, on the faith of others. Because tonight I'm feeling feeble, barely able to summon even a whisper, and most definitely exhausted and faithless.
Quoting Again
A couple great quotes I've come across recently:
"The matter is quite simple. The Bible is very easy to understand. But we as Christians are a bunch of scheming swindlers. We pretend to be unable to understand it because we know very well that the minute we understand we are obliged to act accordingly. Take any words in the New Testament and forget everything except pledging yourself to act accordingly. My God, you will say, if I do that my whole life will be ruined. "
- Søren Kierkegaard, Danish philosopher, theologian, and ethicist (1813-1855)"
And, from the calendar that sits on my desk:
"He will never fail you, but will help you in all your troubles, and you will find him everywhere."
-Saint Teresa of Avila
"The matter is quite simple. The Bible is very easy to understand. But we as Christians are a bunch of scheming swindlers. We pretend to be unable to understand it because we know very well that the minute we understand we are obliged to act accordingly. Take any words in the New Testament and forget everything except pledging yourself to act accordingly. My God, you will say, if I do that my whole life will be ruined. "
- Søren Kierkegaard, Danish philosopher, theologian, and ethicist (1813-1855)"
And, from the calendar that sits on my desk:
"He will never fail you, but will help you in all your troubles, and you will find him everywhere."
-Saint Teresa of Avila
In my purse...
I'm feeling decidely uninspired just at this moment for topics to write about.
So, I'm going to tell you about what kinds of things are residing in my purse these days, just because the list is a bit more unique than usual:
So, I'm going to tell you about what kinds of things are residing in my purse these days, just because the list is a bit more unique than usual:
- a stash of vitamins, generally covering whatever meals I'm away from home in a given day
- a nail file that was a promotional gift from the company that installed our office filing system (a file from the filing company! cute or lame, depending on your perspective!)
- a temporary drivers' license - basically a slip of paper that says I can legally drive, while I wait for the new card to come in the mail
- my passport, which makes me nervous to carry around. But, since I am sans a permanent drivers' licence just presently, I'm needing some form of photo ID, so, my passport is living in my purse.
- a daytimer and variety of other papers
- my ipod (and the cable that attaches it to a computer)
- headphones (in case I get the urge to go for a walk in the park after work)
- a paystub
- a checkbook
- a rosary that I purchased at the Vatican
- several pens
- and my prescription sunglasses
This is by no means an exhaustive list, but I can safely bet that almost no one else I know will have this combination of items residing in their purses right now!
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Cozy.
My roommate just came into the living room and remarked that I looked "cozy".
I suppose I am, though mostly it's the lamplight that's doing it. Throwing that atmosphere of cozy warmth, and compensating for the fact that it's now well past dusk, and too dark to count on natural light for seeing.
I finished another book tonight. I'll be adding it to the list in my sidebar shortly. Anne Lamott, was, I think, just what my heart has needed this last little while.
I made a quick trip to the scrapbooking shop after dinner tonight. I had a coupon, and wanted to buy something to organize my cardstock. I'm still working on sorting and unpacking the last several boxes. Most of what is left contains craft and scrapbooking supplies, and I am hoping that if I store it in a way that is organized, but also visible, I will feel a bit more regularly inspired to make use of some of it. Organizing what's left is going to require another trip to Ikea, but I know what I need now, and think it's totally doable to get this all sorted out.
It was a really nice break to not have to cook dinner tonight too. My roommate made frittata for us (and it was great). That meant that when I got home from work I could relax, instead of immediately diving into cooking and cleaning up in the kitchen. I sent a few emails, and did some reading.
The ability to relax like that created the mental space, too, to finally sit for a while with a journal. I've been avoiding my journal this week because there is so much going on in my mind and heart and it seemed overwhelming to try to write and capture it.
As I sat down to write, I remembered a piece of advice from Anne Lamott's "Bird by Bird: Some Thoughts on Writing and Life" and decided to just capture what fit within a "one inch picture frame". I gave myself permission to only journal about one pressing topic, and it is helpful to me to have finally written it, and prayed it out in writing in the pages of my journal. It feels someone more sorted within my head.
Yes, there are still many topics that I need to capture in those pages. And yes, there are still so many thoughts outstanding within my heart, so many deep things that Jesus is speaking and nudging and causing me to wrestle with as they surface, but for tonight, I captured that which was most pressing, and in that I found some rest.
And now, now I'm off to run through my nightly devotional routine, and then to rest. Sleep was deeply marked by intense dreams, filled with themes that grabbed at my heart last night, and I find myself tired. I'm praying for rest and dreams of Jesus tonight.
I suppose I am, though mostly it's the lamplight that's doing it. Throwing that atmosphere of cozy warmth, and compensating for the fact that it's now well past dusk, and too dark to count on natural light for seeing.
I finished another book tonight. I'll be adding it to the list in my sidebar shortly. Anne Lamott, was, I think, just what my heart has needed this last little while.
I made a quick trip to the scrapbooking shop after dinner tonight. I had a coupon, and wanted to buy something to organize my cardstock. I'm still working on sorting and unpacking the last several boxes. Most of what is left contains craft and scrapbooking supplies, and I am hoping that if I store it in a way that is organized, but also visible, I will feel a bit more regularly inspired to make use of some of it. Organizing what's left is going to require another trip to Ikea, but I know what I need now, and think it's totally doable to get this all sorted out.
It was a really nice break to not have to cook dinner tonight too. My roommate made frittata for us (and it was great). That meant that when I got home from work I could relax, instead of immediately diving into cooking and cleaning up in the kitchen. I sent a few emails, and did some reading.
The ability to relax like that created the mental space, too, to finally sit for a while with a journal. I've been avoiding my journal this week because there is so much going on in my mind and heart and it seemed overwhelming to try to write and capture it.
As I sat down to write, I remembered a piece of advice from Anne Lamott's "Bird by Bird: Some Thoughts on Writing and Life" and decided to just capture what fit within a "one inch picture frame". I gave myself permission to only journal about one pressing topic, and it is helpful to me to have finally written it, and prayed it out in writing in the pages of my journal. It feels someone more sorted within my head.
Yes, there are still many topics that I need to capture in those pages. And yes, there are still so many thoughts outstanding within my heart, so many deep things that Jesus is speaking and nudging and causing me to wrestle with as they surface, but for tonight, I captured that which was most pressing, and in that I found some rest.
And now, now I'm off to run through my nightly devotional routine, and then to rest. Sleep was deeply marked by intense dreams, filled with themes that grabbed at my heart last night, and I find myself tired. I'm praying for rest and dreams of Jesus tonight.
He Is.
A friend of mine posted these lyrics recently on her blog, and then was gracious enough to send the song on to me. I've been listening on repeat for the last day or so, needing to hear these words.
He Is
Father let the world fade away
Let me feel your presence in this place
Lord, I’ve never been so weary
How I need to know you’re near me
Father let the world just fade away
Till I’m on my knees
Till my heart can sing
He is
He was
He always will be
Even when it feels like there is no one holding me
Be still my soul
He is
Father let your Holy Spirit sing
Let it calm the storm inside of me
As I stand amazed
Lift my hands and say
He is
He was
He always will be
He lives
He loves
He’s always with me
Even when it feels like there is no one holding me
Be still my soul
Through every fear
and every doubt
and every tear I shed
Down every road
I’m not alone
No matter where I am
He is
He was
And He always will be
He lives
He loves
He’s always with me
Even when it feels like there is no one holding me
Be still my soul
Be still and know
Be still my soul
He is
Just when I thought...
Just when I thought that I was perhaps finally, after months of wrestling through a particular dillemma, close to an answer. Just when it seemed like it was settling out in my mind and heart and becoming clear, just in that moment, 2 days in a row now, things have happened. Things that are badly re-muddying a situation that was finally clearing.
Groan. Back to listening and rolling things around in my mind and heart like one of those little steel ball games, where you try and get all the bits and pieces to come to rest in the appropriate slots.
Groan. Back to listening and rolling things around in my mind and heart like one of those little steel ball games, where you try and get all the bits and pieces to come to rest in the appropriate slots.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Thoughts Scattered (At Rest)
Update:
A dear friend let me know that the image I've included with this post is not of the baptism of Jesus as identified below, but is actually of the resurrection. I'd wondered a bit when I posted it, as I'd seen a similar icon that I knew was not the baptism, but decided to go with the information provided with the image. In any case, I am still thinking a lot about baptism, and the image is deeply striking to me as well, for a wide variety of reasons.
~~~
I'm feeling fairly peaceful. A nice change given some of the many things that continue to swirl around me.
It's dusk outside the living room window near where I'm sitting now, and a streetlight is glowing orange.
And even at rest, even in the moments of peace, my thoughts are scattered.
I'm pondering bits and pieces of Lamott's writing - savoring the simple beauty she brings to ordinary life.
I'm thinking a lot about church. And about the fact that I need to at the very least journal, and possibly blog some of those thoughts in the coming days.
I'm letting my heart wind it's way around some thoughts from two separate sermons by Rob Bell that I've listened to recently. Thoughts that in their own way seem to be answering questions I'd only barely voiced.
I'm have an add on to blogger that suggests images based on the words in my posts. The image above came up for some reason tonight. An icon depicting the baptism of Jesus. I've thought a lot about baptism this last year, and encountered some of those thoughts again in passing yesterday.
And I'm thinking about mental illness, and a comment a friend made. About stigma and how it seems to go hand in hand with mental illness. I'm thinking about the fact that I've spoken strongly against this stigma, but also that I fall prey to it. That there is a pattern in myself of being unwilling to acknowledge the areas where I am unwell. A pattern of being unwilling in some ways to admit the struggles, even to myself. I would imagine that these thoughts, too, are ones that will be revisited.
And I'm still letting the words from the weekend, the thoughts about the state of my heart, about chopping versus pointing with the sword of truth wend their way through my life. I am noticing and seeking to be consciously aware of the places where my heart response is anger or hatred. Where I want to chop. I am finding them in the oddest of places and seeking to release even just those little bits of resentment in search of deeper freedom.
And now, now I'm going back to my book, and then to bed. It's a bit cooler tonight, and that will likely help with the sleeping situation.
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Short is an Advantage!
Finally an advantage to being short - at least according to these Korean researchers.
Height may play a role in Cancer Risk
Height may play a role in Cancer Risk
How Do You Paint the World?
You Paint the World with Calming Colors |
 You are a true friend. You are very dependable. Your friends can always count on you to be competent. You are good at anything you do. You are a truly successful person ... though sometimes it's hard for you to appreciate your success. You are quite cautious and conservative. You like to weigh risks carefully. |
Several thoughts from Henri Nouwen...
Bridging the Gap Between People
Our emotional lives move up and down constantly. Sometimes we experience great mood: swings from excitement to depression, from joy to sorrow, from inner harmony to inner chaos. A little event, a word from someone, a disappointment in work, many things can trigger such mood swings. Mostly we have little control over these changes. It seems that they happen to us rather than being created by us.
Thus it is important to know that our emotional life is not the same as our spiritual life. Our spiritual life is the life of the Spirit of God within us. As we feel our emotions shift we must connect our spirits with the Spirit of God and remind ourselves that what we feel is not who we are. We are and remain, whatever our moods, God's beloved children.
Overcoming Our Mood Swings
Are we condemned to be passive victims of our moods? Must we simply say: "I feel great today" or "I feel awful today," and require others to live with our moods?
Although it is very hard to control our moods, we can gradually overcome them by living a well-disciplined spiritual life. This can prevent us from acting out of our moods. We might not "feel" like getting up in the morning because we "feel" that life is not worth living, that nobody loves us, and that our work is boring. But if we get up anyhow, to spend some time reading the Gospels, praying the Psalms, and thanking God for a new day, our moods may lose their power over us.
Digging Into Our Spiritual Resources
When someone hurts us, offends us, ignores us, or rejects us, a deep inner protest emerges. It can be rage or depression, desire to take revenge or an impulse to harm ourselves. We can feel a deep urge to wound those who have wounded us or to withdraw in a suicidal mood of self-rejection. Although these extreme reactions might seem exceptional, they are never far away from our hearts. During the long nights we often find ourselves brooding about words and actions we might have used in response to what others have said or done to us.
It is precisely here that we have to dig deep into our spiritual resources and find the center within us, the center that lies beyond our need to hurt others or ourselves, where we are free to forgive and love.
The Dynamics of the Spiritual Life
Our emotional lives and our spiritual lives have different dynamics. The ups and downs of our emotional life depend a great deal on our past or present surroundings. We are happy, sad, angry, bored, excited, depressed, loving, caring, hateful, or vengeful because of what happened long ago or what is happening now.
The ups and downs of our spiritual lives depend on our obedience - that is, our attentive listening - to the movements of the Spirit of God within us. Without this listening our spiritual life eventually becomes subject to the windswept waves of our emotions.
A Window on Our Spiritual Lives
Even though our emotional and spiritual lives are distinct, they do influence one another profoundly. Our feelings often give us a window on our spiritual journeys. When we cannot let go of jealousy, we may wonder if we are in touch with the Spirit in us that cries out "Abba." When we feel very peaceful and "centered," we may come to realise that this is a sign of our deep awareness of our belovedness.
Likewise our prayer lives, lived as faithful response to the presence of the Spirit within us, may open a window on our emotions, feelings, and passions and give us some indication of how to put them into the service of our long journey into the heart of God.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Sunday evening
It was a full, but decent day.
I needed nature, color, creativity, and light. All done at a slow pace.
I accomplished all of those things with a trip to a beautiful waterfall on the edge of the mountains, followed by (mostly) window shopping my way through Kensington. Colorful items. Beautiful and creative things. And a bookstore, because it couldn't truly be a good day without a bookstore stop.
Then home, a bit of organizing, a trip to mom and dad's to pick up a tool, assembling a bookshelf, running out the door to church.
I have some thoughts on church coming soon I think. I've been having a lot of thoughts on that subject lately.
I re-listened to a sermon Rob Bell preached a while back as I drove today. It spoke to some things that have been close to the surface of my heart this last while. I think I'll be listening to it over and over again this week as I drive to and from work, and as I pray through these things. More thoughts on that are likely coming at some point too.
My vitamin schedule was wonky yesterday. It helped to have that back in the approximately normal times today. I'm still shocked by how much difference the many pills I'm taking these days make in my ability to cope with life. It's almost scary to me. And yet, it helps, so, other than griping about the fact that I'm swallowing approximately 17 pills a day, I'm going to stick to it for now.
I need to go to bed now I think. Well, to be fair, I need to do a bit of cleaning first. Time to tidy my space just a little to re-create peace. And then, maybe reading. I have a book to finish, and a new one I picked up today that I'm excited to read.
I needed nature, color, creativity, and light. All done at a slow pace.
I accomplished all of those things with a trip to a beautiful waterfall on the edge of the mountains, followed by (mostly) window shopping my way through Kensington. Colorful items. Beautiful and creative things. And a bookstore, because it couldn't truly be a good day without a bookstore stop.
Then home, a bit of organizing, a trip to mom and dad's to pick up a tool, assembling a bookshelf, running out the door to church.
I have some thoughts on church coming soon I think. I've been having a lot of thoughts on that subject lately.
I re-listened to a sermon Rob Bell preached a while back as I drove today. It spoke to some things that have been close to the surface of my heart this last while. I think I'll be listening to it over and over again this week as I drive to and from work, and as I pray through these things. More thoughts on that are likely coming at some point too.
My vitamin schedule was wonky yesterday. It helped to have that back in the approximately normal times today. I'm still shocked by how much difference the many pills I'm taking these days make in my ability to cope with life. It's almost scary to me. And yet, it helps, so, other than griping about the fact that I'm swallowing approximately 17 pills a day, I'm going to stick to it for now.
I need to go to bed now I think. Well, to be fair, I need to do a bit of cleaning first. Time to tidy my space just a little to re-create peace. And then, maybe reading. I have a book to finish, and a new one I picked up today that I'm excited to read.
Photos from Yesterday
As I mentioned yesterday, for the first time in a while I was feeling up to making an effort with my appearance, and was feeling like I looked nice. My dad took a couple of pictures and emailed them to me as evidence!
Hangover?
I slept some last night.
A funny, interrupted sort of sleep.
I got up at around 3 am, to close the windows in the kitchen and living room. It seemed there was a bit of a thunderstorm going on, and the rain pelting against my bedroom window told me that if we didn't want puddles to mop up this morning, I'd probably better get out of bed and close the other windows.
I'm feeling unsure what to do with myself today.
The extremes of emotion from yesterday have left me feeling a bit hung-over, and uncertain.
I think I'll probably go to places that invite color and light. Maybe a shop I discovered a while ago in Kensington. Maybe a walk along the bow river. Maybe a trip to the Tibetan shop where I've purchased a few different favorite things.
But I'm trying to be careful too. Because I know my own tendency to shop, simply to try to dispel leftover emotion. To seek joy in purchasing, instead of being able to rest into it.
So, I'm off to shake off another night of odd dreams, and the leftovers of emotion from a crazy day.
It might actually require a trip to the mountains. Or at least the forest or a park.
We'll see.
A funny, interrupted sort of sleep.
I got up at around 3 am, to close the windows in the kitchen and living room. It seemed there was a bit of a thunderstorm going on, and the rain pelting against my bedroom window told me that if we didn't want puddles to mop up this morning, I'd probably better get out of bed and close the other windows.
I'm feeling unsure what to do with myself today.
The extremes of emotion from yesterday have left me feeling a bit hung-over, and uncertain.
I think I'll probably go to places that invite color and light. Maybe a shop I discovered a while ago in Kensington. Maybe a walk along the bow river. Maybe a trip to the Tibetan shop where I've purchased a few different favorite things.
But I'm trying to be careful too. Because I know my own tendency to shop, simply to try to dispel leftover emotion. To seek joy in purchasing, instead of being able to rest into it.
So, I'm off to shake off another night of odd dreams, and the leftovers of emotion from a crazy day.
It might actually require a trip to the mountains. Or at least the forest or a park.
We'll see.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
End of Day
I feel like this has been an incredibly draining, but surprisingly okay day.
My Telus technician came this morning, and my Telus woes are now (I think!) over until September when I need to cancel my television service. (That should be fun...)
I spent a chunk of the morning writing, praying, doing emails, and crying. Pretty draining.
The panic last night hadn't dissipated, so I spent a large chunk of the day reminding that that it didn't get to hang out with me either. That always takes a lot of energy. Which isn't my strength on a good day right now, but is definitely a challenge when I've passed an almost sleepless night.
The driving tester was great. It was (almost) a fun process. The test was an hour long, and I passed! I'm now officially a fully licensed Alberta driver, with no conditions on my license. I have an interim license (basically a slip of paper) to prove it until my new license comes in the mail.
I bought myself roses - 2 dozen actually - because there was a good sale at the shop where I buy roses. I would have bought them whether or not I passed or failed, but it was rather sweet to celebrate with flowers.
I actually felt up to spending some time on my appearance, and for the first time in a while felt really pretty as I headed out to our family gathering. We were celebrating my Grandma's 80th birthday, and about 5 other birthdays as well. It was nice to feel that way again. My dad took a couple photos of me, and he'll email them to me, so that I can hopefully share them here.
The family gathering was less exhausting than usual too.
And there were some good laughs with my dad. He's on a kick right now where he's teasing me about being the only officially unattached sibling. He called me at work yesterday to update my contact information, and was teasing me about the blank for "spouse" in his contact database. I told him I was dating Jesus. He was teasing me again tonight about not securing a son-in-law for him, and I told him that other guys simply couldn't measure up. He laughed pretty hard and told me that my standards were too high. I asked him what father had ever told his daughter that her standards were too high? We laughed, and it was nice to just laugh with him. To not pay attention to all of the tensions in that relationship, and be able to laugh a bit...
And now, now I'm home, and absolutely exhausted, and needing to go to bed.
It was a good day. But very full, and very draining. And now I'm praying for sleep. And maybe some rain tomorrow, to cool the air in our apartment down a bit...
My Telus technician came this morning, and my Telus woes are now (I think!) over until September when I need to cancel my television service. (That should be fun...)
I spent a chunk of the morning writing, praying, doing emails, and crying. Pretty draining.
The panic last night hadn't dissipated, so I spent a large chunk of the day reminding that that it didn't get to hang out with me either. That always takes a lot of energy. Which isn't my strength on a good day right now, but is definitely a challenge when I've passed an almost sleepless night.
The driving tester was great. It was (almost) a fun process. The test was an hour long, and I passed! I'm now officially a fully licensed Alberta driver, with no conditions on my license. I have an interim license (basically a slip of paper) to prove it until my new license comes in the mail.
I bought myself roses - 2 dozen actually - because there was a good sale at the shop where I buy roses. I would have bought them whether or not I passed or failed, but it was rather sweet to celebrate with flowers.
I actually felt up to spending some time on my appearance, and for the first time in a while felt really pretty as I headed out to our family gathering. We were celebrating my Grandma's 80th birthday, and about 5 other birthdays as well. It was nice to feel that way again. My dad took a couple photos of me, and he'll email them to me, so that I can hopefully share them here.
The family gathering was less exhausting than usual too.
And there were some good laughs with my dad. He's on a kick right now where he's teasing me about being the only officially unattached sibling. He called me at work yesterday to update my contact information, and was teasing me about the blank for "spouse" in his contact database. I told him I was dating Jesus. He was teasing me again tonight about not securing a son-in-law for him, and I told him that other guys simply couldn't measure up. He laughed pretty hard and told me that my standards were too high. I asked him what father had ever told his daughter that her standards were too high? We laughed, and it was nice to just laugh with him. To not pay attention to all of the tensions in that relationship, and be able to laugh a bit...
And now, now I'm home, and absolutely exhausted, and needing to go to bed.
It was a good day. But very full, and very draining. And now I'm praying for sleep. And maybe some rain tomorrow, to cool the air in our apartment down a bit...
Truth (Chopping or Pointing)
A few weeks back I quoted Anne Lamott here, saying, "You don't always have to chop with the sword of truth. You can point with it too."
That line has been doing a number of things in my heart these last few weeks.
I find myself thinking about a number of situations that I've been involved in over the last while.
About the moments when it seems that truth has been wielded only as a sword, meant to cut, to "do surgery", to separate flesh and bone. All worthy things in their own right, but only when done rightly, and with permission. I think particularly about the idea of surgery, and realize that a surgeon, no matter how right he is, no matter how much he knows that without surgery the patient will be unwell, cannot operate without the patient's permission. And I think about how I've encountered surgery as a spiritual metaphor, and wonder if perhaps we shouldn't pause as Christians to consider those on whom we're "operating" - to ask their permission before wielding sword or scalpel.
But I've found myself struck, too, by questions of my own.
I have a strong affinity for truth, and for justice. It's a part of who I am. It's something I learned from my dad. It's also something deeply ingrained within my being. And I've been known to speak with something less than caution and gentleness in the pursuit of truth or justice, especially when the place where they are lacking is something I feel deeply - something that creates brokenness, or causes anger to well up within me.
So I find myself asking if there are moments, in the midst of the same situations I was already thinking about, where I too, chopped instead of pointed. While it is never my heart to cause injury, have there been moments when I spoke with something other than a gentle love? Have there been moments, when, intentionally or not, my words caused injury? Were there moments when my words were heard as a striking blow, even if that was not the tone in which they were intended? Have I paused in the words I've spoken, written, emailed, or simply thought, to prayerfully let my words be tempered by grace and gentleness, so that they can point clearly and bring healing, rather than chopping and causing further wounds?
And, even if they were never spoken aloud, how many times has my heart wanted to chop at certain people or situations, certain that if truth could only be understood, all would be restored.
It's the spirit within me that matters, almost as much, if not more than the spirit without.
I tend to be fairly controlled in my speech. It's rare that I become angry enough these days to truly lash out. And yet, maybe it's the spirit in my heart that counts?
"You must have heard that our ancestors were told, 'You must not murder. If you commit murder, you are subject to judgment.' But I say, if you are even angry with someone, you are subject to judgment! If you call someone an idiot, you are in danger of being brought before the court. And if you curse someone , you are in danger of the fires of hell." (Matthew 5:21-22)
Jesus took it that one step further, and made it about my heart. And that's the hard bit.
I came across a lyric from U2's latest single this morning via a link on facebook. And I wanted nothing so badly as to quote a line from the lyrics in a chopping sort of way to someone I know. To throw it at the person in a "why can't you understand this" fashion. "How can you stand next to the truth and not see it?" Bono sings.
And in that moment, as I read those lyrics, and thought about another question I'd been pondering yesterday, another set of someone else's words that I wanted to lob back at them, my heart was drawn back to Lamott's words, "You don't always have to chop with the sword of truth. You can point with it too." And to Jesus' words in the sermon on the mount, which, in other versions suggest that anger or hatred hidden in your heart is equally sinful and damaging to committing murder. And to the words that follow the passage I quoted above, that talk about wherever it is possible being reconciled.
Just now, as I was pondering all of these thoughts, I was reading a different book by Anne Lamott, and was struck by another comment that rather deeply pertains to this pattern of thought. She writes, "I've known for years that resentments don't hurt the person we resent, but that they do hurt and even sometimes kill us. I'd been asking myself, Am I willing to try to give up a bit of this hatred?"
And so, I'm left with this. A confession that my heart is not always gentle, and that sometimes I want truth more than I want to be gentle and loving towards others. A desire for that heart to change. And a wondering how one goes forward when it has become clear that some things cannot be reconciled, but will end, and end painfully.
That line has been doing a number of things in my heart these last few weeks.
I find myself thinking about a number of situations that I've been involved in over the last while.
About the moments when it seems that truth has been wielded only as a sword, meant to cut, to "do surgery", to separate flesh and bone. All worthy things in their own right, but only when done rightly, and with permission. I think particularly about the idea of surgery, and realize that a surgeon, no matter how right he is, no matter how much he knows that without surgery the patient will be unwell, cannot operate without the patient's permission. And I think about how I've encountered surgery as a spiritual metaphor, and wonder if perhaps we shouldn't pause as Christians to consider those on whom we're "operating" - to ask their permission before wielding sword or scalpel.
But I've found myself struck, too, by questions of my own.
I have a strong affinity for truth, and for justice. It's a part of who I am. It's something I learned from my dad. It's also something deeply ingrained within my being. And I've been known to speak with something less than caution and gentleness in the pursuit of truth or justice, especially when the place where they are lacking is something I feel deeply - something that creates brokenness, or causes anger to well up within me.
So I find myself asking if there are moments, in the midst of the same situations I was already thinking about, where I too, chopped instead of pointed. While it is never my heart to cause injury, have there been moments when I spoke with something other than a gentle love? Have there been moments, when, intentionally or not, my words caused injury? Were there moments when my words were heard as a striking blow, even if that was not the tone in which they were intended? Have I paused in the words I've spoken, written, emailed, or simply thought, to prayerfully let my words be tempered by grace and gentleness, so that they can point clearly and bring healing, rather than chopping and causing further wounds?
And, even if they were never spoken aloud, how many times has my heart wanted to chop at certain people or situations, certain that if truth could only be understood, all would be restored.
It's the spirit within me that matters, almost as much, if not more than the spirit without.
I tend to be fairly controlled in my speech. It's rare that I become angry enough these days to truly lash out. And yet, maybe it's the spirit in my heart that counts?
"You must have heard that our ancestors were told, 'You must not murder. If you commit murder, you are subject to judgment.' But I say, if you are even angry with someone, you are subject to judgment! If you call someone an idiot, you are in danger of being brought before the court. And if you curse someone , you are in danger of the fires of hell." (Matthew 5:21-22)
Jesus took it that one step further, and made it about my heart. And that's the hard bit.
I came across a lyric from U2's latest single this morning via a link on facebook. And I wanted nothing so badly as to quote a line from the lyrics in a chopping sort of way to someone I know. To throw it at the person in a "why can't you understand this" fashion. "How can you stand next to the truth and not see it?" Bono sings.
And in that moment, as I read those lyrics, and thought about another question I'd been pondering yesterday, another set of someone else's words that I wanted to lob back at them, my heart was drawn back to Lamott's words, "You don't always have to chop with the sword of truth. You can point with it too." And to Jesus' words in the sermon on the mount, which, in other versions suggest that anger or hatred hidden in your heart is equally sinful and damaging to committing murder. And to the words that follow the passage I quoted above, that talk about wherever it is possible being reconciled.
Just now, as I was pondering all of these thoughts, I was reading a different book by Anne Lamott, and was struck by another comment that rather deeply pertains to this pattern of thought. She writes, "I've known for years that resentments don't hurt the person we resent, but that they do hurt and even sometimes kill us. I'd been asking myself, Am I willing to try to give up a bit of this hatred?"
And so, I'm left with this. A confession that my heart is not always gentle, and that sometimes I want truth more than I want to be gentle and loving towards others. A desire for that heart to change. And a wondering how one goes forward when it has become clear that some things cannot be reconciled, but will end, and end painfully.
Panicking Again
I had a rough night again.
It would seem that I'm a bit more nervous about this driving test than I realized, and that the panic I struggle with at times took advantage of that fact.
It's such a spiritual thing, an entity of sorts, this panic that comes on me, and for me, it tends these days to come when I'm not fully conscious. So, while I most certainly wasn't sleeping, I wasn't really awake either, and that's when the panic set in.
I spent the whole night worrying about something with a really simple solution. I was conscious enough to even be aware of the solution, but it wasn't until around 5 am that I was awake enough to realize what was going on around me and simply begin to take a little bit of authority and tell the panic it couldn't hang out with me. After that I got about 2 hours of disturbed sleep (it's been really hot here this week, and our apartment is brutally hot).
It frustrates me that this remains an issue, and that it can prey on me when I'm only semi-conscious and seem unable to combat it.
I'm thrilled that the ability to combat it has gotten much stronger when I'm awake, but finding the other incredibly disheartening at moments.
In the meantime, I spent the entire night panicked over something that can be sorted out with one (or two, depending on the results of the first one) phone call. So annoying.
It would seem that I'm a bit more nervous about this driving test than I realized, and that the panic I struggle with at times took advantage of that fact.
It's such a spiritual thing, an entity of sorts, this panic that comes on me, and for me, it tends these days to come when I'm not fully conscious. So, while I most certainly wasn't sleeping, I wasn't really awake either, and that's when the panic set in.
I spent the whole night worrying about something with a really simple solution. I was conscious enough to even be aware of the solution, but it wasn't until around 5 am that I was awake enough to realize what was going on around me and simply begin to take a little bit of authority and tell the panic it couldn't hang out with me. After that I got about 2 hours of disturbed sleep (it's been really hot here this week, and our apartment is brutally hot).
It frustrates me that this remains an issue, and that it can prey on me when I'm only semi-conscious and seem unable to combat it.
I'm thrilled that the ability to combat it has gotten much stronger when I'm awake, but finding the other incredibly disheartening at moments.
In the meantime, I spent the entire night panicked over something that can be sorted out with one (or two, depending on the results of the first one) phone call. So annoying.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Friday Evening, Into the Weekend
I spent a few hours tonight driving around the city, with my roommate in the passenger seat coaching me on the "bad habits" I identified while taking a driving lesson the other night. Things like keeping both hands on the steering wheel at all times - things that probably are never going to matter again if I can just manage to pass the road test I've scheduled for tomorrow.
We also managed to smoke out our apartment while trying to make toast for sandwiches for dinner. Several smoke alarms later I'd managed to set up a fan to blow most of the smoke out an open window.
So, tomorrow morning I have a tech coming that I'll have to refuse at the door. (Again, let me say as I did at the start of the month, DO NOT EVER USE TELUS TV.) Hopefully that will finally settle all the details.
Then the road test in the early afternoon, a bit of down time, and then a big family shindig - the quarterly, "everyone who's had a birthday in the last several months or has one in the coming few weeks" (including me!) party.
Somewhere in there I need to do some cleaning, and build the utility shelf I bought at Ikea last night. And sort through my scrapbook supplies to put on the utility shelf, so that they're not just sitting in boxes on our living room floor.
Oh, and maybe I'll do a bit of reading. Hard to say at this point.
In any case, I haven't been feeling well today, and I think I'm heading for bed.
See ya tomorrow!
We also managed to smoke out our apartment while trying to make toast for sandwiches for dinner. Several smoke alarms later I'd managed to set up a fan to blow most of the smoke out an open window.
So, tomorrow morning I have a tech coming that I'll have to refuse at the door. (Again, let me say as I did at the start of the month, DO NOT EVER USE TELUS TV.) Hopefully that will finally settle all the details.
Then the road test in the early afternoon, a bit of down time, and then a big family shindig - the quarterly, "everyone who's had a birthday in the last several months or has one in the coming few weeks" (including me!) party.
Somewhere in there I need to do some cleaning, and build the utility shelf I bought at Ikea last night. And sort through my scrapbook supplies to put on the utility shelf, so that they're not just sitting in boxes on our living room floor.
Oh, and maybe I'll do a bit of reading. Hard to say at this point.
In any case, I haven't been feeling well today, and I think I'm heading for bed.
See ya tomorrow!
Smile List
It's been a while since I've made a "smile list" here. For the uninitiated, a smile list is exactly what it sounds like - a list of things that make me smile - things that I'm grateful for. I started making them ages ago, when I heard a speaker cite a trauma specialist who had done research suggesting that taking the time to list things you're thankful for each day had the same effect on your brain chemistry as taking a mild dose of an anti-depressant.
I've found through the years that making smile lists is also a good way for me to pull out of (or at least bring some control to) a rapidly downward spiraling mood.
I'm needing a little bit of help with that today. It's been a trying week at work thanks to ongoing bumps in the process of the introduction of a new product before the training and staffing were in place to make it a smooth introduction. And I've spent a good part of the morning discovering that the process I need to go through to book a road test and (hopefully) wrap up my drivers license situation permanently is one of the more complicated, red-tape filled, and expensive processes I've encountered in a long while. (All told, I'll be spending around $350 or more to take care of this mess.) And, I also discovered that agents at Alberta Registry offices are not the most pleasant people around - I've spoken with several by phone today, and almost all of them were, if not rude, abrupt and very disinterested.
So, a smile list...
The things that are making me smile (that I'm thankful for) today include:
I've found through the years that making smile lists is also a good way for me to pull out of (or at least bring some control to) a rapidly downward spiraling mood.
I'm needing a little bit of help with that today. It's been a trying week at work thanks to ongoing bumps in the process of the introduction of a new product before the training and staffing were in place to make it a smooth introduction. And I've spent a good part of the morning discovering that the process I need to go through to book a road test and (hopefully) wrap up my drivers license situation permanently is one of the more complicated, red-tape filled, and expensive processes I've encountered in a long while. (All told, I'll be spending around $350 or more to take care of this mess.) And, I also discovered that agents at Alberta Registry offices are not the most pleasant people around - I've spoken with several by phone today, and almost all of them were, if not rude, abrupt and very disinterested.
So, a smile list...
The things that are making me smile (that I'm thankful for) today include:
- a canning jar of daisies that a coworker brought me earlier this week
- casual Friday and jeans at work
- having a "hippy" day with my clothing (while still managing to appear business casual!)
- cream and brown wooden earrings - long time favorites
- a cream colored bracelet, formed from six resin roses
- that it won't be the end of the world if I don't get this driver's license mess sorted out in the next 24 hours
- Hemp hand protector and lip balm from The Body Shop
- the "Mennonite Tonight" video that Rik Leaf put up a while back. "you want passive but you like agressive..." or "a Menno good time costs $3.oo" (so great when you work for a Menno company full time)
- availability of clean, cool water to drink
- a toe ring on my right foot
- an office with a window that means I get natural light during the day
- lunch plans with a coworker
- that it's Friday!
- teasing from my dad who called this morning (I told him I was building another Ikea bookshelf this evening. Having seen the massive bruise I sustained while building the last one, his quick reply was, "Better have the bandages handy.")
- plans to make open faced turkey sandwiches with brie and nectarines, plus a salad on the side for dinner tonight
- that it was someone's birthday in the office today, and that meant that we got cake!
- that my latest piercing (though threatening a few times) has not become infected
- that I have family that loves me
- pictures of the new baby of some friends
- the memory of a conversation yesterday that made me chuckle (a conversation that centered around the fact that I carry a vial of annointing oil on my key-ring) "those are such old scents."
- An ikea trip that only cost me $55.
- the artwork in my office (more on that in an upcoming post)
- an email from a dear friend last night in a moment when I was feeling low and struggling deeply, reminding me that she loves me and was praying for me
- being called by name
That's not a bad list, actually. And it has helped. I'm in a less kerfuffled mood than I was. AND, I'm off to have lunch!
Not the God we would have chosen
Another prayer from Bruggemann's "Awed to Heaven, Rooted in Earth":
We would as soon you were stable and reliable.
We would as soon you were predictable
and always the same toward us.
We would like to take the hammer of doctrine
and take the nails of piety
and nail your feet to the floor
and have you stay in one place.
And then we find you moving,
always surprising us,
always coming at us from new directions.
Always planting us
and uprooting us
and tearing all things down
and making all things new.
You are not the God we would have chosen
had we done the choosing,
but we are your people
and you have chosen us in freedom.
We pray for the great gift of freedom
that we may be free toward you
as you are in your world.
Give us that gift of freedom
that we may move in new places
in obedience and in gratitude.
Thank you for Jesus
who embodied your freedom for all of us. Amen.
We would as soon you were stable and reliable.
We would as soon you were predictable
and always the same toward us.
We would like to take the hammer of doctrine
and take the nails of piety
and nail your feet to the floor
and have you stay in one place.
And then we find you moving,
always surprising us,
always coming at us from new directions.
Always planting us
and uprooting us
and tearing all things down
and making all things new.
You are not the God we would have chosen
had we done the choosing,
but we are your people
and you have chosen us in freedom.
We pray for the great gift of freedom
that we may be free toward you
as you are in your world.
Give us that gift of freedom
that we may move in new places
in obedience and in gratitude.
Thank you for Jesus
who embodied your freedom for all of us. Amen.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Shifting
This has been the sort of week where I'm very aware of changing relationships.
Of ones that seem to have ended (whether that was what I desired or not).
Of others that have changed dramatically in time and tone and scope.
Where I've been remembering still others, lost in memories and prayers at moments.
Where every thing, every place, every moment seems laden with things that tug at heart strings.
I hit a wall of exhaustion today. A moment in which I simply went, "I need a vacation."
We have a long weekend coming up, but I will be spending it in transit to and from a wedding that will also be rife with memories and oddly shifted or tense relationships.
The weekend following that I've arranged for two days (a Friday and a Monday) off work. I badly need some down time. Time just for me, to rest and recoup. Time that (mostly) isn't planned, organized, or otherwise structured. Time where I can simply ask Jesus what we're doing, and spend the day with Him, being loved. Time to consider, to grieve, to recoup after all of the shifting that has taken place in my life this last while. And time to wait for new direction for the future.
I'm really looking forward to that weekend. But, for the moment, I'll just be glad to make it to the end of the work day tomorrow, and have some down time. This weekend is a bit scheduled and planned, with lots of people things that are sure to be a bit draining. But I'm working to also build in moments of rest. There always need to be moments of rest.
Of ones that seem to have ended (whether that was what I desired or not).
Of others that have changed dramatically in time and tone and scope.
Where I've been remembering still others, lost in memories and prayers at moments.
Where every thing, every place, every moment seems laden with things that tug at heart strings.
I hit a wall of exhaustion today. A moment in which I simply went, "I need a vacation."
We have a long weekend coming up, but I will be spending it in transit to and from a wedding that will also be rife with memories and oddly shifted or tense relationships.
The weekend following that I've arranged for two days (a Friday and a Monday) off work. I badly need some down time. Time just for me, to rest and recoup. Time that (mostly) isn't planned, organized, or otherwise structured. Time where I can simply ask Jesus what we're doing, and spend the day with Him, being loved. Time to consider, to grieve, to recoup after all of the shifting that has taken place in my life this last while. And time to wait for new direction for the future.
I'm really looking forward to that weekend. But, for the moment, I'll just be glad to make it to the end of the work day tomorrow, and have some down time. This weekend is a bit scheduled and planned, with lots of people things that are sure to be a bit draining. But I'm working to also build in moments of rest. There always need to be moments of rest.
A Mixture of Things...
I'm thinking a lot about this verse today. It's the putting it into practice bit that can be so challenging at times.
Yesterday was the feast day for Saint Mary Magdalene. I feel a certain affinity for this woman who was delivered from much. Who knew deeply what the redemption offered by Jesus. I don't really mind whether or not it was her that annointed the feet of Jesus. The very fact that he had cast seven demons from her tells me that she knows what it is to experience the gift of freedom. And I love that, of all the people, important and simple, to whom he could have first appeared after his resurrection, it was this woman that he chose.
The First Nations have chosen a new national chief, and I am praying for him as he seeks to lead.
This article was curious and caught my attention.
I survived the driving lesson, and now need to book my advanced road test. At $130.00 a pop, I'm really hoping to pass this thing on the first go-round. Especially since the license renewal fee will be above and beyond that $130.
Because I work in the same building as a major charity, that my company is also partnered with, we occasionally get unique visitors. Today we had a group of Mennonite pastors from Asia - Malaysia, Thailand, Cambodia and North Vietnam, who are touring Mennonite institutions stop by the office for a few minutes. I'm always thankful for the reminders of the world that working in this building brings.
And with that, I'm back to the things that need my attention. This remains one of the weeks wherein I am helplessly busy all day every day, and yet feel like I've accomplished very little. Ah well. I guess they just go that way sometimes.
Yesterday was the feast day for Saint Mary Magdalene. I feel a certain affinity for this woman who was delivered from much. Who knew deeply what the redemption offered by Jesus. I don't really mind whether or not it was her that annointed the feet of Jesus. The very fact that he had cast seven demons from her tells me that she knows what it is to experience the gift of freedom. And I love that, of all the people, important and simple, to whom he could have first appeared after his resurrection, it was this woman that he chose.
The First Nations have chosen a new national chief, and I am praying for him as he seeks to lead.
This article was curious and caught my attention.
I survived the driving lesson, and now need to book my advanced road test. At $130.00 a pop, I'm really hoping to pass this thing on the first go-round. Especially since the license renewal fee will be above and beyond that $130.
Because I work in the same building as a major charity, that my company is also partnered with, we occasionally get unique visitors. Today we had a group of Mennonite pastors from Asia - Malaysia, Thailand, Cambodia and North Vietnam, who are touring Mennonite institutions stop by the office for a few minutes. I'm always thankful for the reminders of the world that working in this building brings.
And with that, I'm back to the things that need my attention. This remains one of the weeks wherein I am helplessly busy all day every day, and yet feel like I've accomplished very little. Ah well. I guess they just go that way sometimes.
Sky
The skies are odd today. Heavy and hazy and discolored. A color that belies the weather forecast for the day. Sunny and 27 degrees.
The sort of color that speaks of violence. It speaks of fires burning somewhere distant, swallowing land and forests, and sometimes houses, belongings, the stuff of people's lives. It speaks of threatening storms. Of hail and tornadoes and lighting strikes. And through the haze, the sun glowed bright red, just sort of hanging there listlessly.
The air hangs like that too. Thick and hot. Midsummer doldrums hanging over us.
And I am once again praying for rain and cooling and refreshing.
The sort of color that speaks of violence. It speaks of fires burning somewhere distant, swallowing land and forests, and sometimes houses, belongings, the stuff of people's lives. It speaks of threatening storms. Of hail and tornadoes and lighting strikes. And through the haze, the sun glowed bright red, just sort of hanging there listlessly.
The air hangs like that too. Thick and hot. Midsummer doldrums hanging over us.
And I am once again praying for rain and cooling and refreshing.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
How it is when we praise you...
From another prayer by Walter Bruggemann...
That is how it is when we praise you. We join the angels in praise, and we keep our feet in time and place... awed to heaven, rooted in earth. We are daily stretched between communion with you and our bodied lives, spent but alive, summoned and cherished but stretched between. And we are reminded that before us there has been this One truly divine (at ease with the angels) truly human...dwellers in time and space. We are thankful for him, and glad to be in his missional company. Alleluia. Amen.
(Awed to Heaven, Rooted in Earth, pg. 86)
That is how it is when we praise you. We join the angels in praise, and we keep our feet in time and place... awed to heaven, rooted in earth. We are daily stretched between communion with you and our bodied lives, spent but alive, summoned and cherished but stretched between. And we are reminded that before us there has been this One truly divine (at ease with the angels) truly human...dwellers in time and space. We are thankful for him, and glad to be in his missional company. Alleluia. Amen.
(Awed to Heaven, Rooted in Earth, pg. 86)
All Over Thoughts
This has been the kind of week where I've been hopelessly busy all day, every day at the office, and still feel like I've accomplished almost nothing.
A friend brought several of us at the office flowers this morning, since there's been quite a bit of stress going around the office since the launch of a new product last week. I have a bouquet of white daisies smiling at me from a canning jar on my desk today.
Whatever stomach bug I'd contracted over the weekend seems to have settled down, and I'm grateful for that. Eating is much more pleasurable when you don't immediately feel fairly violently ill after doing so.
I'm taking a driving lesson tonight. Yes, you read that correctly. Alberta has a graduated driver's license system in place, where, two years after you begin driving, you become eligible to take an advanced road test to earn a license free from conditions. (The major condition is that without taking the advanced road test, you must have a 0 blood alcohol limit - so, basically, no wine or drinks at dinner if you're going to be on the road again.) I've been eligible to take the advanced road test for a number of years, but have never bothered to do it. However, my drivers license expires on my upcoming birthday, and rather than pay to renew the license, and then pay the fee to upgrade it, I thought I'd simply do it all at once and only pay one fee. So, I booked a refresher driving lesson, to review what will be covered on the advanced road test and make sure there aren't any surprises.
There have been all sorts of office frustrations the last few weeks, mostly stemming from the launch of the new product, and from the fact that certain people seem to have a strong sense of selish entitlement. I suppose that could be said of everyone, everywhere to some extent, but it's been rather blatant in a few frustrating (and ultimately expensive) incidents the last little while.
My roommate likes to tell me that I work in a soap opera. There are a lot of days that I think it's true. Soap opera writers couldn't dream up crazier situations than some of what I've encountered the last few months and years.
But, for the most part I remain grateful to have a job that pays my bills. And I'm definitely grateful for the new position I moved into about three months back. I'm still enjoying what I get to do in that position, and the freedom that it brings.
And with that, I'm off to finish up a few last things before the day ends and I have to head out for this two hour driving lesson!
A friend brought several of us at the office flowers this morning, since there's been quite a bit of stress going around the office since the launch of a new product last week. I have a bouquet of white daisies smiling at me from a canning jar on my desk today.
Whatever stomach bug I'd contracted over the weekend seems to have settled down, and I'm grateful for that. Eating is much more pleasurable when you don't immediately feel fairly violently ill after doing so.
I'm taking a driving lesson tonight. Yes, you read that correctly. Alberta has a graduated driver's license system in place, where, two years after you begin driving, you become eligible to take an advanced road test to earn a license free from conditions. (The major condition is that without taking the advanced road test, you must have a 0 blood alcohol limit - so, basically, no wine or drinks at dinner if you're going to be on the road again.) I've been eligible to take the advanced road test for a number of years, but have never bothered to do it. However, my drivers license expires on my upcoming birthday, and rather than pay to renew the license, and then pay the fee to upgrade it, I thought I'd simply do it all at once and only pay one fee. So, I booked a refresher driving lesson, to review what will be covered on the advanced road test and make sure there aren't any surprises.
There have been all sorts of office frustrations the last few weeks, mostly stemming from the launch of the new product, and from the fact that certain people seem to have a strong sense of selish entitlement. I suppose that could be said of everyone, everywhere to some extent, but it's been rather blatant in a few frustrating (and ultimately expensive) incidents the last little while.
My roommate likes to tell me that I work in a soap opera. There are a lot of days that I think it's true. Soap opera writers couldn't dream up crazier situations than some of what I've encountered the last few months and years.
But, for the most part I remain grateful to have a job that pays my bills. And I'm definitely grateful for the new position I moved into about three months back. I'm still enjoying what I get to do in that position, and the freedom that it brings.
And with that, I'm off to finish up a few last things before the day ends and I have to head out for this two hour driving lesson!
92 days
Many of you will know that I have struggled greatly with my health in this last year and a half.
Some of you will know that those struggles were at least in part stress related, and were closely tied to my ability to eat. I felt nauseous most of the time, and it was not uncommon for me to skip one or two meals a day several times a week, or to eat very minimally to avoid the seemingly inevitable nausea and stomach pain that eating brought. At least once a month this would progress to stomach flu like symptoms, involving vomiting, or the complete inability to keep food down for several days in a row. All of this in combination with a number of periods of time where I felt God calling me to fast from various foods or to fast totally for short periods of time, resulted in a significant degree of weight loss and contributed at least in part to the ongoing challenges I've been facing with my energy levels as well. It could probably safely be said that I'd developed a mild eating disorder.
Just over three months ago I flew across the country to visit a dear friend. I knew I wasn't doing okay, and warned her of that in advance. She spoke a great deal of very blunt (and much needed) truth to me, and sent me home with instructions to "choose life" and directions to eat three meals a day even if I felt sick (a revolutionary concept for someone who hadn't regularly eaten breakfast since elementary school, never mind the other food challenges) to take lots of vitamins (I think the count is currently at around 17 pills a day) and a number of other things.
I'll be honest and say that if anyone but her had given me those directions, I'd have probably ignored them. And that I was less than motivated to comply, especially with the eating thing. In fact, I used stickers on a calendar as a stab at motivation to eat three times a day (eat three times a day - get a sticker!).
Eating remains a challenge. Stress still affects my stomach in odd ways. But, I reached a milestone a few days back that I'm rather proud of.
Monday marked 90 straight days of eating three full meals a day, whether or not I was feeling ill. (That, for those of you who are counting, makes today day 92).
Some of you will know that those struggles were at least in part stress related, and were closely tied to my ability to eat. I felt nauseous most of the time, and it was not uncommon for me to skip one or two meals a day several times a week, or to eat very minimally to avoid the seemingly inevitable nausea and stomach pain that eating brought. At least once a month this would progress to stomach flu like symptoms, involving vomiting, or the complete inability to keep food down for several days in a row. All of this in combination with a number of periods of time where I felt God calling me to fast from various foods or to fast totally for short periods of time, resulted in a significant degree of weight loss and contributed at least in part to the ongoing challenges I've been facing with my energy levels as well. It could probably safely be said that I'd developed a mild eating disorder.
Just over three months ago I flew across the country to visit a dear friend. I knew I wasn't doing okay, and warned her of that in advance. She spoke a great deal of very blunt (and much needed) truth to me, and sent me home with instructions to "choose life" and directions to eat three meals a day even if I felt sick (a revolutionary concept for someone who hadn't regularly eaten breakfast since elementary school, never mind the other food challenges) to take lots of vitamins (I think the count is currently at around 17 pills a day) and a number of other things.
I'll be honest and say that if anyone but her had given me those directions, I'd have probably ignored them. And that I was less than motivated to comply, especially with the eating thing. In fact, I used stickers on a calendar as a stab at motivation to eat three times a day (eat three times a day - get a sticker!).
Eating remains a challenge. Stress still affects my stomach in odd ways. But, I reached a milestone a few days back that I'm rather proud of.
Monday marked 90 straight days of eating three full meals a day, whether or not I was feeling ill. (That, for those of you who are counting, makes today day 92).
Labyrinth
Okay, how cool is this? (link via shallowfrozenwater)
I walked a labyrinth for the first time on Maundy Thursday this year. A friend had invited me to join her for a dinner and evening of prayer and reflection using a labyrinth at a local church. She sometimes goes to their permanently installed labyrinth during the week to walk and pray.
In discussing my thoughts afterwards, I commented that I was really in far too scattered a place emotionally and spiritually that evening to truly experience what I was doing, but even in the midst of that, in the midst of the walking, bits and pieces of Jesus' peace penetrated. I told her that I thought, given adequate preparation beforehand, time to quiet myself a little and to really desire to meet Jesus (I'll be honest in saying that in my scattered state that evening all I really wanted to do was go home to bed), I felt that walking a labyrinth could be a truly meaningful prayer experience for me.
So I loved the video I linked to at the beginning of this post when I came across it. Because I also love to walk near waves and pray. A labyrinth on a beach sounds kind of like my idea of heaven! Very cool!
I walked a labyrinth for the first time on Maundy Thursday this year. A friend had invited me to join her for a dinner and evening of prayer and reflection using a labyrinth at a local church. She sometimes goes to their permanently installed labyrinth during the week to walk and pray.
In discussing my thoughts afterwards, I commented that I was really in far too scattered a place emotionally and spiritually that evening to truly experience what I was doing, but even in the midst of that, in the midst of the walking, bits and pieces of Jesus' peace penetrated. I told her that I thought, given adequate preparation beforehand, time to quiet myself a little and to really desire to meet Jesus (I'll be honest in saying that in my scattered state that evening all I really wanted to do was go home to bed), I felt that walking a labyrinth could be a truly meaningful prayer experience for me.
So I loved the video I linked to at the beginning of this post when I came across it. Because I also love to walk near waves and pray. A labyrinth on a beach sounds kind of like my idea of heaven! Very cool!
A Few Headlines
A few news stories stirring my heart this morning:
Trying to Come to Terms with Mass Slaughter
Longest 21st Century Eclipse Wows Millions
California Apologizes to Chinese Americans
Tori Stafford's Body Found
First Nations to Vote for National Chief
Trying to Come to Terms with Mass Slaughter
Longest 21st Century Eclipse Wows Millions
California Apologizes to Chinese Americans
Tori Stafford's Body Found
First Nations to Vote for National Chief
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Tuesday Evening Quiet
I quite unexpectedly have had the house to myself for the entire evening. I love my roommate, but I will absolutely admit to having quite enjoyed the quiet and the freedom to roam the apartment in a more unfettered way than usual.
I cooked dinner for two. I'm not sorry I did, since it means I will have lunch tomorrow, and so will my roommate (in her case, likely dinner tomorrow as well, since I'll be out and she'll be on her own for cooking.)
I read this article tonight on depression and Christianity, and was glad that someone, somewhere is talking about these sorts of things.
Last night I finished reading a book for the first time in a while. "Bird by Bird" by Anne Lamott. Because it was Anne Lamott, there is really no question that I loved it. I quoted a line from it here earlier this month - a line about the sword of truth. That line is resonating in my heart still, touching deeper things, things that I'm slowly finding words for.
It's summer, and we live in an apartment. That means it gets HOT. Which requires a certain degree of planning. Open windows. Trying not to use the oven (we bought cookies at the grocery store last night instead of baking.) And, since my bedroom window doesn't have a screen, I prefer not to open it. That means using a fan to keep the room from becoming stifling while I sleep.
After dinner, I spent the evening propped on my bed, with a dvd playing on my laptop. I finished my yearly trip through the entirety of M*A*S*H* a little while back, and am working my way through the entirety of the The West Wing again. So I watched a few episodes of that, while sitting propped on my bed, and working on a sorting project.
I have three enormous plastic file storage boxes, containing mostly papers and documents from years ago that must be sorted. One contains carefully labelled folders with notes from a wide variety of classes that I took in university. (Those notes need to be taken with me to work, where I can scan them to a pdf format, and store them in my email for future use, thus dramatically reducing the required storage space.)
I went through the entirety of one box tonight. I'm rather proud of that accomplishment. I probably cut what was stored in it in half, those items I'm keeping staying in their files, and those items I'm disposing of placed in the recycling bin in the kitchen.
I also moved some boxes around in the living room, so, while not quite settled exactly, it looks liveable. There is a stack of boxes in the corner, mostly containing scrapbooking supplies, which I have a plan (involving another trip to Ikea) for storing in such a way that it doesn't just look like a stack of boxes. (Basically, I'm getting a shelf of some sort...)
Sorting and purging. Still engaging in the process of making things new.
And now, now I'm going to peruse my shelves. Because I seem to have a bit more time to read these days, and I have probably well over a hundred books in my possession that I've purchased and not yet read, or read only in part. And, since I finished a book yesterday, that means I get to select something different.
A little bit of reading. Some devotional time. And then an early bedtime. I seem to be fighting some sort of stomach bug, and sleep is still either fleeting, or filled with exhausting dreams, so I'm working at giving my body as much of a fighting chance as possible at rest.
And, speaking of rest, I also read this quote by Anne Lamott tonight (though not from "Bird by Bird), and loved it: "I live by the truth that 'No' is a complete sentence. I rest as a spiritual act." (Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith, pg. 174)
I'm off to engage in a spiritual act.
I cooked dinner for two. I'm not sorry I did, since it means I will have lunch tomorrow, and so will my roommate (in her case, likely dinner tomorrow as well, since I'll be out and she'll be on her own for cooking.)
I read this article tonight on depression and Christianity, and was glad that someone, somewhere is talking about these sorts of things.
Last night I finished reading a book for the first time in a while. "Bird by Bird" by Anne Lamott. Because it was Anne Lamott, there is really no question that I loved it. I quoted a line from it here earlier this month - a line about the sword of truth. That line is resonating in my heart still, touching deeper things, things that I'm slowly finding words for.
It's summer, and we live in an apartment. That means it gets HOT. Which requires a certain degree of planning. Open windows. Trying not to use the oven (we bought cookies at the grocery store last night instead of baking.) And, since my bedroom window doesn't have a screen, I prefer not to open it. That means using a fan to keep the room from becoming stifling while I sleep.
After dinner, I spent the evening propped on my bed, with a dvd playing on my laptop. I finished my yearly trip through the entirety of M*A*S*H* a little while back, and am working my way through the entirety of the The West Wing again. So I watched a few episodes of that, while sitting propped on my bed, and working on a sorting project.
I have three enormous plastic file storage boxes, containing mostly papers and documents from years ago that must be sorted. One contains carefully labelled folders with notes from a wide variety of classes that I took in university. (Those notes need to be taken with me to work, where I can scan them to a pdf format, and store them in my email for future use, thus dramatically reducing the required storage space.)
I went through the entirety of one box tonight. I'm rather proud of that accomplishment. I probably cut what was stored in it in half, those items I'm keeping staying in their files, and those items I'm disposing of placed in the recycling bin in the kitchen.
I also moved some boxes around in the living room, so, while not quite settled exactly, it looks liveable. There is a stack of boxes in the corner, mostly containing scrapbooking supplies, which I have a plan (involving another trip to Ikea) for storing in such a way that it doesn't just look like a stack of boxes. (Basically, I'm getting a shelf of some sort...)
Sorting and purging. Still engaging in the process of making things new.
And now, now I'm going to peruse my shelves. Because I seem to have a bit more time to read these days, and I have probably well over a hundred books in my possession that I've purchased and not yet read, or read only in part. And, since I finished a book yesterday, that means I get to select something different.
A little bit of reading. Some devotional time. And then an early bedtime. I seem to be fighting some sort of stomach bug, and sleep is still either fleeting, or filled with exhausting dreams, so I'm working at giving my body as much of a fighting chance as possible at rest.
And, speaking of rest, I also read this quote by Anne Lamott tonight (though not from "Bird by Bird), and loved it: "I live by the truth that 'No' is a complete sentence. I rest as a spiritual act." (Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith, pg. 174)
I'm off to engage in a spiritual act.
Lyrical Encouragement
There are many things I need to share at some point about the new route I drive on my morning commute. The number of things along the route that are deeply heart-stretching is really quite astounding.
In the meantime, this morning, as with several other mornings recently, I was listening to music by my friend Karla Adolphe (see also Jacob & Lily and Chair & Microphone Vol. 3 from Enter the Worship Circle). Some of her lyrics struck me deeply again, bringing encouragement to a tired heart:
These, from her first album "Come Home" from the song "Jude":
Somebody come and rescue me
from this desert that I am walking
Look in my heart, and do you see
this little girl, and baby is she talking?
Is she tired?
Is she worn?
Is she broken?
and is she torn?
But You lift me up again
Lift me up again
And You lift me up again
And then, these lyrics from "Chair and Microphone Vol. 3" the song "You are Mine"
Maybe I don't have the strength
Maybe I don't have the faith
You brought me here in forty years
When I know this trip should take a week
I've shed my tears and shed my blood
been out ran some by the flood
and winter steals my songs away
in all of this I've come undone
When you walk through the water
I will be with you
When you pass through the river
those waves they will not overtake you, and
when you walk on the fire
those flames they will not touch you
You are mine
You are mine
I've been a child
I've been a slave
I've grown bitter and learned to pray
I've packed my bags and started back
the cost is just too high to pay
When you walk through the water
I will be with you
When you pass through the river
the waves, they will not overtake you
When you walk on the fire
those flames, they will not touch you
You are mine
You are mine.
In the meantime, this morning, as with several other mornings recently, I was listening to music by my friend Karla Adolphe (see also Jacob & Lily and Chair & Microphone Vol. 3 from Enter the Worship Circle). Some of her lyrics struck me deeply again, bringing encouragement to a tired heart:
These, from her first album "Come Home" from the song "Jude":
Somebody come and rescue me
from this desert that I am walking
Look in my heart, and do you see
this little girl, and baby is she talking?
Is she tired?
Is she worn?
Is she broken?
and is she torn?
But You lift me up again
Lift me up again
And You lift me up again
And then, these lyrics from "Chair and Microphone Vol. 3" the song "You are Mine"
Maybe I don't have the strength
Maybe I don't have the faith
You brought me here in forty years
When I know this trip should take a week
I've shed my tears and shed my blood
been out ran some by the flood
and winter steals my songs away
in all of this I've come undone
When you walk through the water
I will be with you
When you pass through the river
those waves they will not overtake you, and
when you walk on the fire
those flames they will not touch you
You are mine
You are mine
I've been a child
I've been a slave
I've grown bitter and learned to pray
I've packed my bags and started back
the cost is just too high to pay
When you walk through the water
I will be with you
When you pass through the river
the waves, they will not overtake you
When you walk on the fire
those flames, they will not touch you
You are mine
You are mine.
We are children of another world
I'm still slowly making my way through a book of prayers by Walter Bruggemann, and was deeply struck as I read this one this morning:
For the mystery of the text,
and for the history of eyes to see
and ears to hear the text,
we give you thanks.
Our eyes are scaled
and our ears are uncircumsised
and we are children of another world.
We pray for the gift of perception.
We pray for energy and courage,
that we may not leave the text
until we wrench your blessing from it.
Amen.
For the mystery of the text,
and for the history of eyes to see
and ears to hear the text,
we give you thanks.
Our eyes are scaled
and our ears are uncircumsised
and we are children of another world.
We pray for the gift of perception.
We pray for energy and courage,
that we may not leave the text
until we wrench your blessing from it.
Amen.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Praying...
As the afternoon has gone on, I've found my heart distracted by the people and things I'm praying for. Today my heart is praying for:
- two friends who've just welcomed their long-awaited daughter into the world
- my grandma, celebrating 80 years of life
- a friend far away, who yesterday had to make the decision of whether or not to attend church, because he is in a part of the world where Christians are sometimes persecuted, and the church he was invited to attend and give a word at was one of several in the area that received a bomb threat
- a family I'm aware of that lost both mother and one son to cancer within a few days
- a friend looking for work
- and another who will soon be traveling home
- another two friends who are honeymooning,
- and two more with only two weeks to go before their wedding
- provision of just the right people in the office, preferably in a full time role
- some who's hearts are broken
- and others who are celebrating new opportunities
- restoration of family
- health
- and strength
- and daily bread
- for a few who are searching for a place to live
- in gratefulness that I have a cozy place to call home
- the person who comes to mind from a dream long ago
- deeper understanding of dreams, and ability to pray them out clearly.
- the ability to continually choose life, even in those moments it seems most impossible.
My heart is praying...
Scattered...
I am, thus far, having an incredibly scattered morning.
I've been pulled in a thousand different directions so far today, and that's just the work stuff. Never mind all the things floating around in my mind and heart.
I finally slept last night. I also dreamt odd and deep and pulling dreams. It does seem to be one or the other with me. Sleepless, or dreaming. To be honest, I'm not sure which I prefer.
Today is my grandma's 80th birthday. The plans to celebrate are for this coming Saturday, but I wanted to call her today to wish her a happy birthday. She wasn't home. Like so many of her generation, she hasn't quite figured out the total operation of her answering machine. The phone rings 10-12 times before her machine picks up, and then you typically get an annoyling electronic voice that treats each word as if it were a full sentence, "After. Tone. Leave. Message." Today I just got another electronic voice saying her answering machine was full. She also has a cell phone, that one of my aunts decided would be a good security measure for when she's out and about. Trouble is, she has even less ability to use that then her answering machine! She doesn't know the number, and no one else seems to have it either. But that doesn't matter really, since I'm fairly confident that she wouldn't have any idea how to answer a call if she ever managed to turn the phone on and receive one anyway!
My brain is running in a thousand directions. Still thinking about the events of the weekend. Still praying. Considering family, and relationships. Thinking about the dream I woke from this morning and remembering a similar and rather stunning dream a few years back. Realizing that it is once again time for the weekly trip to the soul-sucking grocery mega store. And that I also have to run a few other errands tonight. Running down the list of items remaining in our living room that I must sort through and either unpack or dispose of. Considering the people I need to be in touch with to arrange dinner or tea dates. And those are just the personal things, not the work things!
So, with that, it's back to the "to do" lists that surround me in various forms!
I've been pulled in a thousand different directions so far today, and that's just the work stuff. Never mind all the things floating around in my mind and heart.
I finally slept last night. I also dreamt odd and deep and pulling dreams. It does seem to be one or the other with me. Sleepless, or dreaming. To be honest, I'm not sure which I prefer.
Today is my grandma's 80th birthday. The plans to celebrate are for this coming Saturday, but I wanted to call her today to wish her a happy birthday. She wasn't home. Like so many of her generation, she hasn't quite figured out the total operation of her answering machine. The phone rings 10-12 times before her machine picks up, and then you typically get an annoyling electronic voice that treats each word as if it were a full sentence, "After. Tone. Leave. Message." Today I just got another electronic voice saying her answering machine was full. She also has a cell phone, that one of my aunts decided would be a good security measure for when she's out and about. Trouble is, she has even less ability to use that then her answering machine! She doesn't know the number, and no one else seems to have it either. But that doesn't matter really, since I'm fairly confident that she wouldn't have any idea how to answer a call if she ever managed to turn the phone on and receive one anyway!
My brain is running in a thousand directions. Still thinking about the events of the weekend. Still praying. Considering family, and relationships. Thinking about the dream I woke from this morning and remembering a similar and rather stunning dream a few years back. Realizing that it is once again time for the weekly trip to the soul-sucking grocery mega store. And that I also have to run a few other errands tonight. Running down the list of items remaining in our living room that I must sort through and either unpack or dispose of. Considering the people I need to be in touch with to arrange dinner or tea dates. And those are just the personal things, not the work things!
So, with that, it's back to the "to do" lists that surround me in various forms!
Being Blessed
Another great thought from Henri Nouwen
Being Blessed
Jesus is the Blessed One. When Jesus was baptised in the Jordan river a voice came from heaven saying: "You are my Son, the Beloved; my favour rests on you" (Mark 1:11). This was the blessing that sustained Jesus during his life. Whatever happened to him - praise or blame - he clung to his blessing; he always remembered that he was the favourite child of God.
Jesus came into the world to share that blessing with us. He came to open our ears to the voice that also says to us, "You are my beloved son, you are my beloved daughter, my favour rests on you ." When we can hear that voice, trust in it, and always remember it, especially during dark times, we can live our lives as God's blessed children and find the strength to share that blessing with others.
Being Blessed
Jesus is the Blessed One. When Jesus was baptised in the Jordan river a voice came from heaven saying: "You are my Son, the Beloved; my favour rests on you" (Mark 1:11). This was the blessing that sustained Jesus during his life. Whatever happened to him - praise or blame - he clung to his blessing; he always remembered that he was the favourite child of God.
Jesus came into the world to share that blessing with us. He came to open our ears to the voice that also says to us, "You are my beloved son, you are my beloved daughter, my favour rests on you ." When we can hear that voice, trust in it, and always remember it, especially during dark times, we can live our lives as God's blessed children and find the strength to share that blessing with others.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Childlike and Grownup
I told a friend in an email tonight that in some ways I spent the weekend revisiting some of the very few extraordinarily happy childhood memories I have. And, that in some ways, I spent the weekend dealing with the very adult realities of my day to day life. And that I walked and prayed amidst both of those spaces.
The route home from where we hiked and where I sat in a mountain meadow to pray yesterday goes very near a spot I loved in childhood. As a pastor's family, we weren't exactly well off, and, since my dad's vacation preference tended towards any place as far from other human beings as possible, we spent a lot of family vacations camping. I hate camping. But I have a few very fond memories of some moments spent in Peter Lougheed Provincial Park. Riding our bicycles along some stunning paths in the mountains to the Boulton store to get ice cream for an after supper treat on a sunny day. Riding on a cooler day to the interpretive centre and learning about this beautiful terrain we were staying in. Sitting around a campfire as dad made stories like the chronicles of Narnia come alive for us. (In fact, he made them so alive, that, when the first Narnia movie was released, when I was asked my opinion of it, my ultimate response was, "the characters were better in my head.) Those moments didn't last all that long - we grew older and the family dynamics changed. But there are precious memories for me in those moments with the five of us watching the chipmunks while eating icecream at Boulton, or sitting around the campfire, singing, or listening to dad read to us. In knowing the deep love and attention of my parents.
Whenever I get the chance, I revisit those memories just a little, with a stop at the Boulton store for ice cream. L and I stopped there, and at the interpretive centre yesterday afternoon.
I also have very fond memories of the amusement park rides at Heritage Park historical village. It's a little known fact that I love amusement park rides (unless the stated goal of the ride is to make me so dizzy, or flip me around so many times that I can't help but become ill.) And I'm just enough of a history geek to love the simple, old-fashioned rides at Heritage Park. L and I went to the park today to explore, and we went of some of my favorite rides. (I think the only one we really missed was the merry-go-round, and, since we bought season passes, I'm sure we'll catch it next time!) There are photos from that trip here. I remember specific moments on each of the rides as a child. But mostly I remember feeling very care-free in those moments. Sitting on the swings and feeling as if I was flying. Knowing deep joy.
It isn't that I had a particularly terrible childhood, just one that was full of other pulls and demands on my parent's time and attention. One that was shaped by the deep challenges they were facing as individuals and as a couple. I wrote here, some time ago now, about the shift that took place, about what it was like to see the changes from those carefree moments take hold. So those moments of pure love and joy and basking in the attention of family are precious to me. And I take time to remember them, to hold them close and rest in them for a moment.
And yet, those remembrances were juxtaposed this weekend with the very real grown up challenges of life. Of broken relationships, and aching hearts. Of struggling and wrestling and praying. Of paying bills and wondering how long my car will last, and where I'll ever find the finances to replace it. Of climbing a mountain in desperation to pray, because so many things weighed heavily on my heart.
And so, in the midst of that juxtaposition, I walk away from this weekend holding close the memory of hearing scripture prayed aloud, and of deeply hurting prayers scrawled in a journal. But also holding close the taste of ice cream melting on my tongue, and the feeling of flying and the laughter bursting forth as I was on the swings, or the moment when your stomach drops out for the first time on the ferris wheel.
Grown-up and childlike, all mashed together in a twisted, oddly, possibly hopeful mess.
The route home from where we hiked and where I sat in a mountain meadow to pray yesterday goes very near a spot I loved in childhood. As a pastor's family, we weren't exactly well off, and, since my dad's vacation preference tended towards any place as far from other human beings as possible, we spent a lot of family vacations camping. I hate camping. But I have a few very fond memories of some moments spent in Peter Lougheed Provincial Park. Riding our bicycles along some stunning paths in the mountains to the Boulton store to get ice cream for an after supper treat on a sunny day. Riding on a cooler day to the interpretive centre and learning about this beautiful terrain we were staying in. Sitting around a campfire as dad made stories like the chronicles of Narnia come alive for us. (In fact, he made them so alive, that, when the first Narnia movie was released, when I was asked my opinion of it, my ultimate response was, "the characters were better in my head.) Those moments didn't last all that long - we grew older and the family dynamics changed. But there are precious memories for me in those moments with the five of us watching the chipmunks while eating icecream at Boulton, or sitting around the campfire, singing, or listening to dad read to us. In knowing the deep love and attention of my parents.
Whenever I get the chance, I revisit those memories just a little, with a stop at the Boulton store for ice cream. L and I stopped there, and at the interpretive centre yesterday afternoon.
I also have very fond memories of the amusement park rides at Heritage Park historical village. It's a little known fact that I love amusement park rides (unless the stated goal of the ride is to make me so dizzy, or flip me around so many times that I can't help but become ill.) And I'm just enough of a history geek to love the simple, old-fashioned rides at Heritage Park. L and I went to the park today to explore, and we went of some of my favorite rides. (I think the only one we really missed was the merry-go-round, and, since we bought season passes, I'm sure we'll catch it next time!) There are photos from that trip here. I remember specific moments on each of the rides as a child. But mostly I remember feeling very care-free in those moments. Sitting on the swings and feeling as if I was flying. Knowing deep joy.
It isn't that I had a particularly terrible childhood, just one that was full of other pulls and demands on my parent's time and attention. One that was shaped by the deep challenges they were facing as individuals and as a couple. I wrote here, some time ago now, about the shift that took place, about what it was like to see the changes from those carefree moments take hold. So those moments of pure love and joy and basking in the attention of family are precious to me. And I take time to remember them, to hold them close and rest in them for a moment.
And yet, those remembrances were juxtaposed this weekend with the very real grown up challenges of life. Of broken relationships, and aching hearts. Of struggling and wrestling and praying. Of paying bills and wondering how long my car will last, and where I'll ever find the finances to replace it. Of climbing a mountain in desperation to pray, because so many things weighed heavily on my heart.
And so, in the midst of that juxtaposition, I walk away from this weekend holding close the memory of hearing scripture prayed aloud, and of deeply hurting prayers scrawled in a journal. But also holding close the taste of ice cream melting on my tongue, and the feeling of flying and the laughter bursting forth as I was on the swings, or the moment when your stomach drops out for the first time on the ferris wheel.
Grown-up and childlike, all mashed together in a twisted, oddly, possibly hopeful mess.
Yesterday...
This photo was taken as I sat in a meadow yesterday. There is something powerful for me, in speaking the words of scripture aloud in creation. I do it rarely, and only when my heart is deeply moved to that space. But yesterday was one of those days.
Because I was praying for a friend who was pilgrimaging, for many (myself included) who find themselves walking in the valley of weeping, and because I was in some ways pilgrimaging myself, it was Psalm 84 that was deeply on my heart. Particularly the bits I've made italic:
Psalm 84 (NLT)
How lovely is your dwelling place,
O Lord of Heaven’s Armies.
I long, yes, I faint with longing
to enter the courts of the Lord.
With my whole being, body and soul,
I will shout joyfully to the living God.
Even the sparrow finds a home,
and the swallow builds her nest and raises her young
at a place near your altar,
O Lord of Heaven’s Armies, my King and my God!
What joy for those who can live in your house,
always singing your praises.
Interlude
What joy for those whose strength comes from the Lord,
who have set their minds on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem.
When they walk through the Valley of Weeping,
it will become a place of refreshing springs.
The autumn rains will clothe it with blessings.
They will continue to grow stronger,
and each of them will appear before God in Jerusalem.
O Lord God of Heaven’s Armies, hear my prayer.
Listen, O God of Jacob.
Interlude
O God, look with favor upon the king, our shield!
Show favor to the one you have anointed.
A single day in your courts
is better than a thousand anywhere else!
I would rather be a gatekeeper in the house of my God
than live the good life in the homes of the wicked.
For the Lord God is our sun and our shield.
He gives us grace and glory.
The Lord will withhold no good thing
from those who do what is right.
O Lord of Heaven’s Armies,
what joy for those who trust in you.
In true "God" fashion, I comment to L, who accompanied me on the hike, that I wished I could read part of that particular passage from Eugene Peterson's "The Message" because I loved how he translated verses 5-7. I laughed aloud when L confirmed that I was thinking about the Message, and then dug in her bag to hand me a copy. The verses I was looking for read as follows:
And how blessed all those in whom you live,
whose lives become roads you travel;
They wind through lonesome valleys, come upon brooks,
discover cool springs and pools brimming with rain!
God-traveled, these roads curve up the mountain, and
at the last turn—Zion! God in full view!
As I finished reading these aloud as well, L. quietly wandered further down into the meadow, to give me some space to simply wrap myself in a shawl, and sit to journal, and pray and listen.
I'd Forgotten...
I'd forgotten what it was like to try to sleep with sunburn.
Especially when you're a side sleeper, who tends to move around quite a bit in their sleep.
I spent the night laying on my back, trying to be as still as possible, because every time I moved, I rubbed the bad burns on both shoulders.
Let's just say that I'm grateful for aloe vera gel, and that thankful only a few of the many spots on which I'm currently sporting sunburn, are severe.
Especially when you're a side sleeper, who tends to move around quite a bit in their sleep.
I spent the night laying on my back, trying to be as still as possible, because every time I moved, I rubbed the bad burns on both shoulders.
Let's just say that I'm grateful for aloe vera gel, and that thankful only a few of the many spots on which I'm currently sporting sunburn, are severe.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
From today...
Most of today will remain out of the spotlight of the blog, shared perhaps with a few dear friends, or simply held close to my heart.
It was a much needed day. Hard, full, rich, beautiful.
But here are a few thoughts I'm thinking at the end of the day, ranging from the very mundane, to the less mundane:
It was a much needed day. Hard, full, rich, beautiful.
But here are a few thoughts I'm thinking at the end of the day, ranging from the very mundane, to the less mundane:
- I've lived my whole life near the mountains. I've given others advice on how to dress and/or prepare for the mountain conditions. I've been hiking since I was a very small child. I have very fair skin, and quite recently reminded someone else that when they were climbing a mountain, they needed to take greater care to wear sunscreen, as you burn more quickly at altitude. Did I remember my own advice today? Well, yes and no. I did apply sunscreen, but apparently I did a rather haphazard job of it, and apparently didn't use a high enough SPF (another absolute rookies mistake I should know better than to have made.) The result is that I have badly sunburnt shoulders, semi-badly burnt arms, a badly burnt hand, and a semi badly burnt neck and upper chest (joys of a scoop neck tank top).
- The fortune from the fortune cookie that came with the Vietnamese take-out I picked up for dinner tonight read: You will step on the soil of many countries in your lifetime. I don't put any stock in those fortunes, but it did make me smile, as a sort of little way of confirming some things I talked with Jesus about today.
- I shouldn't be surprised that in many ways attending church tonight was a continuation of the conversation I'd been having with Jesus all day. I should have expected that I felt prompted to make it back to the city in time for me to shower (after hiking, I was, to use my kiwi roommate's phrase "grubby") and head for church. But I didn't expect it, and was caught off guard as the service went on.
- I'm thinking about a line from the Message translation of Psalm 84: "How blessed all those in whom you live, whose lives become roads you travel."
Not Quite as Planned (Pilgrimaging)
What I'm doing today is not what I'd planned for much of the last year to be doing today.
I was supposed to join a friend for the final leg of her pilgrimage journey, to join her in support and to pray for and with her. Due to a number of factors, practical and deeply personal, it's not going to be possible for me to join her.
Instead, I've chosen to make something of an annual "pilgrimage" of my own. I'm heading to a special spot on top of a mountain. A sort of hidden meadow. The plan is to hike up, and then simply sit for a while. There are, I think, tears that need to be shed (if they will only fall...). There is most definitely the need to pray. And there is a desperate longing and hope that in this place, which Jesus seems to call me to on an annual basis, I will be able to meet Jesus. That he will draw near, and if not speak, simply hold me, and my broken and exhausted heart.
And I'll be joining with my friend in spirit, praying for her as she makes the final leg of her journey, arrives at her destination, and also seeks to meet with Jesus and hear his heart for her. I'm grateful, at least, that God transcends time and distance, and that, at least in prayer, I can draw near to her today, when I can't join her physically.
I was supposed to join a friend for the final leg of her pilgrimage journey, to join her in support and to pray for and with her. Due to a number of factors, practical and deeply personal, it's not going to be possible for me to join her.
Instead, I've chosen to make something of an annual "pilgrimage" of my own. I'm heading to a special spot on top of a mountain. A sort of hidden meadow. The plan is to hike up, and then simply sit for a while. There are, I think, tears that need to be shed (if they will only fall...). There is most definitely the need to pray. And there is a desperate longing and hope that in this place, which Jesus seems to call me to on an annual basis, I will be able to meet Jesus. That he will draw near, and if not speak, simply hold me, and my broken and exhausted heart.
And I'll be joining with my friend in spirit, praying for her as she makes the final leg of her journey, arrives at her destination, and also seeks to meet with Jesus and hear his heart for her. I'm grateful, at least, that God transcends time and distance, and that, at least in prayer, I can draw near to her today, when I can't join her physically.
Funny Headline
Fierce Raptor Halts Mail Delivery in Moose Jaw
This one cracked me up, and made me smile just a bit wistfully, remembering an odd, deep moment with a hawk in a cemetery last summer...
This one cracked me up, and made me smile just a bit wistfully, remembering an odd, deep moment with a hawk in a cemetery last summer...
Friday, July 17, 2009
Lovely...
I had a lovely evening.
I met this long-time blogging friend, and we sat for two hours in a starbucks and talked.
It's been a long time since I've had a conversation that flowed freely and easily about the important things in life. About something more than the surface things. A conversation that felt free and honest (at least to me - since I suppose I can only speak for myself...)
It was for me a much needed gift tonight, after a long and wrestle-filled week. A soul-restoring thing.
And, while she couldn't have known it, I realized driving home that it was also a redemptive sort of thing for me to have that sort of conversation in a Starbucks. I've loved the tea and a few other drinks at Starbucks for a long time, but Starbucks has also been very tied to many of the struggles of the last year. So many funny and deep associations.
I didn't really think about all those things when we agreed to meet at a Starbucks. I didn't really think about it even as we were sitting there chatting. But as I was driving home, I realized that it was a redemptive thing for me. To have that enjoyment restored (even though I hadn't totally realized it was gone.)
So I'm saying thanks, to my friend for suggesting that particular location, and to God who somehow orchestrates the things I don't even know I need.
I met this long-time blogging friend, and we sat for two hours in a starbucks and talked.
It's been a long time since I've had a conversation that flowed freely and easily about the important things in life. About something more than the surface things. A conversation that felt free and honest (at least to me - since I suppose I can only speak for myself...)
It was for me a much needed gift tonight, after a long and wrestle-filled week. A soul-restoring thing.
And, while she couldn't have known it, I realized driving home that it was also a redemptive sort of thing for me to have that sort of conversation in a Starbucks. I've loved the tea and a few other drinks at Starbucks for a long time, but Starbucks has also been very tied to many of the struggles of the last year. So many funny and deep associations.
I didn't really think about all those things when we agreed to meet at a Starbucks. I didn't really think about it even as we were sitting there chatting. But as I was driving home, I realized that it was a redemptive thing for me. To have that enjoyment restored (even though I hadn't totally realized it was gone.)
So I'm saying thanks, to my friend for suggesting that particular location, and to God who somehow orchestrates the things I don't even know I need.
Quote from today...
The quote that follows was on the calendar that sits on my desk at work today - "Wisdom from Women Saints". A gift from a dear friend, and one that seems to speak deeply to my heart most days.
"We tend to pray with great intensity for the things we want, but do we ever think of praying for what God wants? It is very important that when we pray, we move with the current of God's will, and not against it. This is true even when we are praying for someone we love tremendously." (Catherine De Hueck Doherty)
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"We tend to pray with great intensity for the things we want, but do we ever think of praying for what God wants? It is very important that when we pray, we move with the current of God's will, and not against it. This is true even when we are praying for someone we love tremendously." (Catherine De Hueck Doherty)
Huh...
I say this as a person who is on the record as a strong hater of winter and all things cold. I want the cooler weather back. I want it to be dark past 6 am (the hour when I'm sometimes just drifting off to sleep after a rough night). This morning I woke absolutely soaking wet - while I have no recollection of being overheated in the night (usually that wakes me as well), I can only conclude that it must have been terrifically hot in my bedroom last night - that, or I was truly thrashing about in my sleep (or lack thereof...).
Last night was incredibly rough. Other than the aforementioned things, there were dreams, and, I woke in immense pain at around 1am, down the entire right side of my body. Not sure what that was about, but it necessitated pain killers, and a few desperate prayers.
So, it's morning.
And I'm at work.
And there have been some frustrations to deal with already. The sorts of things that call for patience, and setting a sense of justice and fairness aside in the face of someone else's entitlement. (If you can't set it aside, you'll go crazy.)
I'm trying to sort out weekend plans. They're fairly dependent on whether or not a phone call I've placed several times is returned. There is an alternate set of plans in place too.
I'm meeting a long time blogging friend in person after work tonight. That should be great fun! I think we've been trading comments and the occasional email since near the beginning of my blog 4 or so years ago, and it should be lovely to finally meet in person.
I'm laughing just a little, in an ironic sort of way, (given some of the things going on around me in the last year and a half) at this quote I came across yesterday, "Junior High called. They want their drama back."
I'm also laughing at the latest cartoon on the Naked Pastor. Perfect clarity indeed!
I'm still in pain this morning, though thankfully not nearly as intensely as last night.
I saw the funniest thing when I glanced in the rearview mirror while sitting at a stop light on my way to work this morning. I looked back and wondered "what the heck is she doing?" After watching for a while, I realized that the driver of the car behind me was taking advantage of the stoplight and using the time to pluck her eyebrows! I've never seen that one before!
For the lack of sleep I've had this week, I've hit some sort of place of hyper-awareness. I'm very aware of some of the things that are going on around me. The beautiful things and the painful things. In some ways, I'm feeling both incredibly aware of the spiritual again, and completely deaf at the same time. It's an odd sort of feeling.
And with that, I'll conclude this all over the place "huh" post and head on into my day!
Last night was incredibly rough. Other than the aforementioned things, there were dreams, and, I woke in immense pain at around 1am, down the entire right side of my body. Not sure what that was about, but it necessitated pain killers, and a few desperate prayers.
So, it's morning.
And I'm at work.
And there have been some frustrations to deal with already. The sorts of things that call for patience, and setting a sense of justice and fairness aside in the face of someone else's entitlement. (If you can't set it aside, you'll go crazy.)
I'm trying to sort out weekend plans. They're fairly dependent on whether or not a phone call I've placed several times is returned. There is an alternate set of plans in place too.
I'm meeting a long time blogging friend in person after work tonight. That should be great fun! I think we've been trading comments and the occasional email since near the beginning of my blog 4 or so years ago, and it should be lovely to finally meet in person.
I'm laughing just a little, in an ironic sort of way, (given some of the things going on around me in the last year and a half) at this quote I came across yesterday, "Junior High called. They want their drama back."
I'm also laughing at the latest cartoon on the Naked Pastor. Perfect clarity indeed!
I'm still in pain this morning, though thankfully not nearly as intensely as last night.
I saw the funniest thing when I glanced in the rearview mirror while sitting at a stop light on my way to work this morning. I looked back and wondered "what the heck is she doing?" After watching for a while, I realized that the driver of the car behind me was taking advantage of the stoplight and using the time to pluck her eyebrows! I've never seen that one before!
For the lack of sleep I've had this week, I've hit some sort of place of hyper-awareness. I'm very aware of some of the things that are going on around me. The beautiful things and the painful things. In some ways, I'm feeling both incredibly aware of the spiritual again, and completely deaf at the same time. It's an odd sort of feeling.
And with that, I'll conclude this all over the place "huh" post and head on into my day!
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