Smile List - Last Day of April Edition

Because this has been a week where I've rather desperately needed good things to cling to, and three days in I'm finally managing to see some, or at least spin some of the bad things more positively!

So, without further ado, here is the latest list of things I'm thankful for - Things that Make Me Smile!

• David Crowder Band's song "All That I Can Say" played on repeat
• showers where you don't have to worry about the hot water running out
• blackberries
• strawberries
• the Nooma film "Open"
• three new novels to read
• little reminders of things and people that I love, such as necklace made of shells
• clean smelling damp hair
• a new watch (since my previous one died this morning, and I rely on it for my alarm)
• 2 work days left
• lavender scented candles
• a favorite blanket to wrap up in for the evening, and curl up against my face while I sleep
• green apple lip balm from Rocky Mountain Soap Company
• a deepening friendship with my roommate
• an evening spent watching "America's Next Top Model," laughing, and eating mango with my roommate
• pink toenails
• curling up in my favorite chair
• a clean bedroom
• the crucifix I bought in Rome
• thirst
• that it's been nearly two weeks since we've seen or heard mice in our house
• comfort foods
• cheese
• Lamentations chapter 3 (in either "The Message" or The New Living Translation)
• a reprieve from the struggle and the foul mood I've been buried in all week
• that I actually took three major items off my "to do" list at work today
• Jason Upton's "Open up the Earth" album, particularly the spontaneous disk.
  

And with that, I think I'm going to head for bed. Maybe do a little reading, and then have my lights out early!

Praying for Rain

The skies today look the way my heart feels. Heavy and dark. But the rain (like my tears) won’t fall and bring refreshing.

Today, I’m praying for rain.

I Liked This

I liked this post on Drew's blog.

Waiting for the tears to fall...

The tears are sitting just behind my eyes tonight. Refusing to fall. I'm tired. More tired than I've been in a while. I came across this blog post tonight. Challenging if you go back through some of the blog archives and read their story.

I came across these lyrics from a new David Crowder Band song via the post mentioned above (the song is in the automatic playlist on that post if you want to hear it.) I needed the reminder it ends with.

Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while

And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down

Chorus:
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give

Bridge:
I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet

And this verse: Romans 15:13 "I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit."

I needed to hear all of these things tonight.

Now, I'm waiting for the tears to fall.

soul weary

Psalm 42
For the director of music. A maskil of the Sons of Korah. [a]
As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?
My tears have been my food
day and night,
while men say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"
These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of God,
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
among the festive throng.
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.
Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.
By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.
I say to God my Rock,
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?"
My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

I added the italics to certain parts of this Psalm, the bits that are really catching me at the moment.

I’m tired. And sick. Heart-sick.

I believe I’m going to make it through this season. At least I believe that most of the time.

I’m having a hard time figuring out what to write here.

It seems that there is much that can’t be said in a public forum right now. Much that is not safe to publicly voice.

I’m going to make it through. But the other side seems distant just presently.

I am clinging to hope with desperation and determination.

And to the belief that even here, He walks with me.

Henri Nouwen on writing again

Making Our Lives Available to Others

One of the arguments we often use for not writing is this: "I have nothing original to say. Whatever I might say, someone else has already said it, and better than I will ever be able to." This, however, is not a good argument for not writing. Each human person is unique and original, and nobody has lived what we have lived. Furthermore, what we have lived, we have lived not just for ourselves but for others as well. Writing can be a very creative and invigorating way to make our lives available to ourselves and to others.

We have to trust that our stories deserve to be told. We may discover that the better we tell our stories the better we will want to live them.

Reasons for Blogging

Some great thoughts on the value of writing your thoughts out as an exercise from Henri Nouwen.

Writing to Save the Day

Writing can be a true spiritual discipline. Writing can help us to concentrate, to get in touch with the deeper stirrings of our hearts, to clarify our minds, to process confusing emotions, to reflect on our experiences, to give artistic expression to what we are living, and to store significant events in our memories. Writing can also be good for others who might read what we write.

Quite often a difficult, painful, or frustrating day can be "redeemed" by writing about it. By writing we can claim what we have lived and thus integrate it more fully into our journeys. Then writing can become lifesaving for us and sometimes for others too.

Writing, Opening a Deep Well

Writing is not just jotting down ideas. Often we say: "I don't know what to write. I have no thoughts worth writing down." But much good writing emerges from the process of writing itself. As we simply sit down in front of a sheet of paper and start to express in words what is on our minds or in our hearts, new ideas emerge, ideas that can surprise us and lead us to inner places we hardly knew were there.

One of the most satisfying aspects of writing is that it can open in us deep wells of hidden treasures that are beautiful for us as well as for others to see.

From Henri Nouwen

Question from Above

What are spiritual questions? They are questions from above. Most questions people ask of Jesus are questions from below, such as the question about which of a woman's seven husbands she will be married to in the resurrection. Jesus does not answer this question because it comes from a legalistic mind-set. It is a question from below.

Often Jesus responds by changing this question. In the case of the woman with seven husbands he says, "At the resurrection men and women do not marry Ö have you never read what God himself said to you: 'I am God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob?' He is God not of the dead but of the living" (Matthew 22:23-30).

We have to keep looking for the spiritual question if we want spiritual answers.

Quiet, Sick

I was hoping today would look a little differently than it has thus far.

I visited a new church this morning. The service was LONG. Worship was actually good. There were moments where I began, at least, to meet with Jesus. The sermon, well, I'm not actually sure the guy had a point. I certainly couldn't find it. He did talk quite a lot about surfing - which is perhaps not the most useful illustration ever when preaching in a land-locked province.

I went to the park this afternoon. Hoping to walk and pray. To find some things growing in me again. Instead, nearly as soon as I arrived I began to get ill. I walked for probably less than 15 minutes before becoming increasingly ill and having to wait to catch a bus to come home.

So, I'm tired. I'm going grocery shopping with my roommate. Then I guess I'm going to rest.

I'm feeling quiet. And a bit discouraged and frustrated. And still a bit ill.

Tonight

I went with my youngest brother, T, and our friend Lydia to hear a woman named Angelina Atyam speak tonight.

It was the third African related event that I've attended in the last couple of months, and by far the best.

I don't have a lot of words for it yet. But it was beautiful. She was beautiful.

You can read a bit of her story here.

Update and Settling In

Since I'm sure you're all fascinated by my mundane life, I thought I'd give you an update!

Thus far today I have:

• eaten a tea biscuit
• taken a long bath with a novel, in nicely scented water
• mixed up banana bread from my mom's recipe (there are two loaves baking just presently, and making my house smell really good)
• swept my kitchen, hallway, and bathroom
• discovered that the mouse poison we put in the hot water heater closet is actually getting eaten (here's to no more mice popping out of my bedroom closet, or sticking their head under the water heater closet door while I'm sitting on the toilet)
• eaten leftover chicken, couscous, carrots and asparagus
• cleaned my fridge
• washed one sinkful of dishes, and put the ones that dried overnight from yesterday away
  
• played Jason Upton loudly through my whole house, while working at accomplishing some of the above things.
• mused about the fact that somewhere along the way, it has become normal for me to have an ongoing conversation with Jesus while I cook and clean and fold laundry

I'm not sure when that happened. The ongoing conversation, I mean. I think it's kind of like those stories where the atheist becomes a Christian because he looked at creation and knew there had to be someone to thank.

I feel kind of like that. I've always had an internal dialogue, and somewhere along the way I realized I wanted it to be more than a one-sided conversation. That I needed someone to talk to.

I have a friend who assures me that for many people encountering Jesus is a Sunday sort of thing, not a doing laundry, or washing dishes, or sweeping the floor or walking to the train kind of thing. I suppose that makes me weird. But I don't think I would trade it. It's kind of nice to have a conversational partner who really cares. Even when I don't like the things He says. Even when He's a terrible argument partner who just keeps repeating truth over top of my rationalizations.

And with that, I'm back to my list. And to sitting and soaking for a few minutes in the presence of Jesus.

Should vs. Am

Here are the things I should do today:

• fold laundry from last week
• wash and fold the laundry from this week
• clean my fridge
• eat leftovers
• cook something nice
• sweep the kitchen/hallway/bathroom/my bedroom
  
• vacuum the living room and stairway
• look at housing ads online to get an idea of price in preparation for the possibility of moving
• update my budget
• deposit a cheque that's been in my wallet for two weeks in the bank
• wash the sheets on my bed
• go for a walk
  

Here are the things I'm definitely going to do today:

• hang out with my baby brother before he leaves for two weeks or so on choir tour
• take a long, hot bath with nicely scented stuff in the water and lose myself in a novel
  
• catch up on some journaling
• read a bit more of my second time through Sara Miles' "Take This Bread"
• play Jason Upton very loudly in my house
• pray as I do laundry, and clean, and eat and walk and hang with my brother and possibly a friend
  
• eat some of the tea biscuits I purchased at the grocery store the other night
• do something creative (maybe make some cards, or clipping for future collage projects)
• Eat leftover chicken, couscous, asparagus and carrots from the other night.

Okay... I'm off to start my day! With some relaxation! Later!

With an openness of heart...

I came across this quote from Douglas Coupland's book "Life After God" tonight and found it quite profoundly descriptive of where I'm at at the moment.

I've really quite wanted in this last season to just walk away from God. To give up because it hurt too much to follow him. And yet, I haven't been able to walk away. And in the midst of that space I came across this quote.

“Now - here is my secret:
I tell it to you with an openness of heart
that I doubt I shall ever achieve again,
so I pray that you are in a quiet room as you hear these words.
My secret is that I need God –
that I am sick and can no longer make it alone.
I need God to help me give, because I no longer seem to be capable of giving;
to help me be kind, as I no longer seem capable of kindness;
to help me love, as I seem beyond being able to love”

(original source of the quote is here.)

2.5 Hours to Go

I'm really glad it's Friday.

I need this week to end.

A couple days break from my office.

Rest and relaxation.

Today has been more of a challenge than usual in some ways. The coworker with whom I laugh and vent about the ridiculous working situation we find ourselves in is out of the office. It's very patience stretching.

I did, however, have an encouraging conversation with my boss, who once again assured me that she is very aware of the difficulties of our present situation, and keeping a close eye on it. And, that she has some of the same frustrations I and others have expressed.

It's always nice when the people in charge are actually clued in.

Okay. 2 and a half hours left.

I can do this!

Secret Smile

She smiled the secret smile of one who found deep inner amusement that few would understand.

Henri Nouwen on Questions

The Answer to Our Questions

We spend a lot of time and energy raising questions. Is it worth it? It is always good to ask ourselves why we raise a question. Do we want to get useful information? Do we want to show that someone else is wrong? Do we want to conquer knowledge? Do we want to grow in wisdom? Do we want to find a way to sanctity?

When we ponder these questions before asking our questions, we may discover that we need less time and energy for our questions. Perhaps we already have the information. Perhaps we don't need to show that someone is wrong. For many questions we may learn that we already have the answers, at least if we listen carefully to our own hearts.

Relaxed

I'm oddly peaceful and at rest at the moment.

(Actually, I have been all day - underneath the frenetic frustration my job inspires at the moment.)

I went for a massage tonight. So nice.

I did have to laugh though. I've been far more stressed in the three or so months since I last had a massage than anytime in the last couple years. But my massage therapist commented that my muscles were actually quite a bit "looser" than normal. How does that work??

One more day until the weekend.

Today I can almost believe that spring (literally and figuratively) is coming.

Another Day, Another Try

I'm discovering that it's really hard to love someone who can take you from perfectly calm to spitting mad in less than two minutes.

I'm discovering that it takes a lot of concious thought to come up with positives about someone who can make you mad simply by existing.

I'm discovering that the best I can manage "pray for those who persecute you" at the moment is a growled "bless her" through clenched teeth.

And I'm grateful for the grace that means I get to keep trying, even after moments of failing miserably.

Cooking

I was in the mood to cook when I got home from work today.

So I made two separate meals. To feed me for the next couple of days.

The first, the one I'm eating for dinner tonight (and probably one more night), is apricot teriyaki chicken breast, with sesame orange carrots and asparagus, and couscous.

The second is one of my favorites. A sort of hash brown dish. Shredded spiced potatoes, with mango turkey sausage I buy at the farmer's market, and tonight I added some chunks of red and yellow peppers.

Now I'm settling in to hang out for the evening... maybe do a little housework and take a shower. Nothing too exciting. Just the way I like it!

You Should Read These

This post at "Just Sally". "I am God's poem."

This post that Faye wrote. Done with her usual stunning clarity, mixture of stories and personal reflection.

Confession (And a Smile List)

Will you all still read my blog if I make a confession here? A sordid admission of personal failings?

Here it is.

I have not been very Christ-like lately.

My work situation is slowly driving me crazy, sapping my energy, and destroying my ability to focus on the positive.

I find myself descending into the ranks of petty anger, rude (if unspoken) comments, and taking great delight in doing things that I know will frustrate (though they shouldn’t) the person with whom I am struggling to work.

This morning, within two minutes of the official beginning of the work day, my patience was shot, and my mental voice was getting nastier by the second.

It didn’t help that on the way to work this morning, as I was talking to Jesus about this mess, He quietly reminded me of the passage that goes, “love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” I could have taken this as gentle correction, and begun to try for a change of heart. Instead, I began arguing. “The Psalms are full of King David praying for those who persecuted him. Things like ‘if only you would slay the wicked, O God.’” Jesus is a rather infuriating argument partner. He just keeps repeating himself, over top of my mental objections. “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.”

I’m trying. It’s not easy. I’ve probably had to redirect my thoughts a dozen times in the last fifteen minutes. I want to respond to stupid questions like, “So, what do you do all day besides answering the phone?” with biting responses along the lines of, “Oh, nothing. I just sit here picking my nose all day.” I want to point out that the phone only rings 20-40 times over the course of an 8 hour work day, and yet, I somehow manage to be busy for 7 of those 8 hours (the 8th hour being when I take my lunch break). Instead, I’m working at redirecting my thoughts. At praying. It’s not easy.

And so, I’m in desperate need of a reminder list. A things I’m thankful for list. A change of attitude list. A list of the things that are making me smile today. Things like:

Dried apples.
Toppables crackers.
Passion tea.
A new t-shirt I bought on the weekend, with an image of a girl beautifully intertwined with waves and flowers.
A project list for work that is finally beginning to look manageable again.
Keeping plants alive at work, but not having to worry about that at home.
A weather forecast that promises a break from the frigid temperatures and snow we’ve been having as we move towards the weekend.
Encouragement from friends.
Gifts from a friend that arrived yesterday.
A pending massage appointment tomorrow night.
A work week that is now nearly half-over
Finding the “perfect journal” – the one I’ve looked all over Calgary and the internet for – at Chapters in Dalhousie on Monday night because of a random comment Rae made.
Buying two of the “perfect journal” so that I can rest easy for a while.
Daily pauses to write while I take the train in the morning.
That Jesus speaks even when it’s hard, and I argue, because I don’t want to hear what He’s saying.
Friends who let me vent as necessary.
That contrary to the weather, the calendar promises me that spring really IS coming.
Parents who introduced me to Jesus early on. (This past Sunday I celebrated 20 years since kneeling with my Mom and inviting Christ into my life.)
A mom who occasionally calls with an unexpected invitation to dinner – especially when she’s serving beef dip.
Daily emails from the Henri Nouwen society
Various photos that are serving to remind me of moments that were deep and beautiful, and full of peace and the presence of Jesus, while I walk through the midst of spaces where it is a stretch to find that peace and comforting presence.

Being Sent Into the World - Henri Nouwen

Henri Nouwen again...

Being Sent Into the World

Each of us has a mission in life. Jesus prays to his Father for his followers, saying: "As you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world" (John 17:18).

We seldom realise fully that we are sent to fulfill God-given tasks. We act as if we have to choose how, where, and with whom to live. We act as if we were simply plopped down in creation and have to decide how to entertain ourselves until we die. But we were sent into the world by God, just as Jesus was. Once we start living our lives with that conviction, we will soon know what we were sent to do.

Long Day

It was a very long day.

Very full.

Some very hard things. Some very good things.

Moments that were definitely explosive at work. Just glad when that was over.

I'm going to bed.

I'll start again tomorrow.

Sleep and Aramaic

Here are two news stories that caught my attention this morning.

According to this article, I should be sleeping beautifully. I'm female, single, childless, and am definitely in one of their lower income brackets. Somehow I don't think that the 3-5 hours of sleep I average a night is their definition of sleeping well.

And, in this article, you can read about the fact that Aramaic, the language of Jesus is still spoken in a small village in Syria. Fascinating stuff, really.

I Am...

I am...

• not having as productive a day as I had yesterday
• working on silencing the catty "inner voice" comments about various office happenings, which make me laugh, but are probably unneccessarily cruel
• photocopying and assembling training manuals
• essentially getting paid to kill trees on Earth Day
• incessantly thirsty lately
• annoyed and frustrated by the ongoing winter conditions - it's nearly the end of April!
• so glad to have a massage scheduled for later this week.
• wearing a minimum of two layers on all parts of my body
• very tired
• nibbling on grapes and crackers, and hoping my stomach will keep them down (it hasn't kept much down lately)
• loving the reminders of joy that this photo of myself is bringing, in the midst of some dark spaces

• in desperate need of spring
  

Relatively Productive

I’m having a relatively productive day.

Is it terrible if I say that this is at least in part due to the absence of two other staff members from the office today?

One in particular tends to make my days bog down in interruptions, because everything on her agenda must come first. This wouldn’t be a problem if she was my superior, or if I worked directly for her. But I don’t. I am the receptionist for the entire company, and the administrative assistant for four managers. I don’t have the time to bow to every whim of her agenda.

She is also extremely difficult to work with. As one co-worker rather colorfully and accurately described it recently, “When I’m around her I feel like she’s the bowling ball and I’m the pins.”

She was out of the office ill on Friday, and had car trouble that prevented her from coming in today.

Because of this, I’m having a much more peaceful and productive day than usual.

It’s definitely a nice change.

Freedom Attracts & Healing Contradictions - Henri Nouwen

More great thoughts from Henri Nouwen

Freedom Attracts

When you are interiorly free you call others to freedom, whether you know it or not. Freedom attracts wherever it appears. A free man or a free woman creates a space where others feel safe and want to dwell. Our world is so full of conditions, demands, requirements, and obligations that we often wonder what is expected of us. But when we meet a truly free person, there are no expectations, only an invitation to reach into ourselves and discover there our own freedom.

Where true inner freedom is, there is God. And where God is, there we want to be.


Healing Contradictions

The many contradictions in our lives - such as being home while feeling homeless, being busy while feeling bored, being popular while feeling lonely, being believers while feeling many doubts - can frustrate, irritate, and even discourage us. They make us feel that we are never fully present. Every door that opens for us makes us see how many more doors are closed.

But there is another response. These same contradictions can bring us into touch with a deeper longing, for the fulfillment of a desire that lives beneath all desires and that only God can satisfy. Contradictions, thus understood, create the friction that can help us move toward God.

Restoration Coming

A long hug from my roommate - mutually needed.

A few shared tears.

Conversations long distance with the people we trust.

A declaration of a temporary feast in the midst of a lengthy fast.

A quick trip to pick up cheesecake. Chocolate chip cookie dough for me. Mocha Kahlua for her.

A stupid movie, designed to make us laugh.

Hints of restoration coming.

So thankful.

I Hurt

I hurt.

In every way.

Something has to give.

There must be more.

Weeping with Those who Weep

I read this post today at "Ragamuffin Diva." It struck me deeply.

I particularly liked this prayer that she quoted:

May the angels lead you into paradise;

may the martyrs come to welcome you

and take you to the holy city,

the new and eternal Jerusalem.

May choirs of angels welcome you

and lead you to the bosom of Abraham;

and where Lazarus is poor no longer

may you find eternal rest.

Whoever believes in my, even though that person die, shall live.

I am the resurrection and the life.

Whoever lives and believes in me shall never die.

Purple Jewel

Would you believe me if I said that things got even harder only minutes after I wrote my last post last night?

I wouldn't have believed that they could.

But they did.

So.

This morning I was in need of a little encouragement. A little reminder that I am loved, that I am the daughter of the King.

I think you'll think I'm weird when I tell you what I'm doing to give myself that reminder. I'm comfortable with being weird. I just want to warn you that this may only be a reminder for me, and that you may not "get it"!

I changed the jewel in my nose piercing. To purple, the color of royalty. Because I need that reminder this morning. That my Abba is in control. That he loves me and will hold me. And a purple jewel in my nose is doing that for me!

Here is a very bad picture, taken on my macbook, in which you can sort of see the new jewel. You can also see the orange and purple in my new glasses very clearly. And my neck - well, the photo is not a particularly flattering angle for my neck, or any of the rest of me. So look at the jewel and the glasses.

Retail Therapy and a Late Night Snack

This was just a very hard day.

So I went shopping. Bought a new stud (purple!) to put in my nose piercing and a few other little things.

Retail therapy helped a little.

Wandering in the mall by myself, not having to make eye contact or talk with anyone about anything more serious than paying for my purchases and the bad weather we're having.

And I was hungry, so I'm eating. A grilled cheese sandwich. Because that's what I was craving.

Heading for bed soon. Praying for restful sleep.

Good night.

I'm Trying... (turn your eyes)

This is one of those days where I'm getting bombarded by the waves of emotion.

Where I feel as if I'm drowning.

I'm working on making it until the work day ends without crying. It's my major goal for the day.

When I get home tonight, to my empty house, I fully expect the tears to come.

I'm still haunted by this. It's stronger again today.

The sky is absolutely dumping snow.

I'm losing hope that winter will ever end. (in nature, or, more metaphorically, in me.)

I'm reminded of this hymn again. I'm weary and troubled, and light is nowhere to be seen.

(Turn Your Eyes and See His)

I'm trying to get there. Trying to trust that it's true.


O soul, are you weary and troubled?
No light in the darkness you see?
There’s light for a look at the Savior,
And life more abundant and free!

Refrain:
Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.

Through death into life everlasting
He passed, and we follow Him there;
O’er us sin no more hath dominion—
For more than conquerors we are!

His Word shall not fail you—He promised;
Believe Him, and all will be well:
Then go to a world that is dying,
His perfect salvation to tell!

Friday

I’m so glad it’s Friday.

I’m not having a particularly good day. It’s a “Thursday in Rome” sort of day. I know that doesn’t mean anything to the broader world, but it’s the best way I can think of to describe what I’m experiencing.

So, I’m glad it’s Friday.

I like Friday’s.

In spite of the schizophrenic weather we’re having. Last night I wore flip-flops and a t-shirt and a light weight windbreaker to go out grocery shopping. This morning, to get to work I wore a hoodie, a long sleeve t-shirt, a polar fleece jacket, and my down vest, with a toque and gloves. They’re predicting 10 cm of snow by the end of the day, and snow every day for the next 4-5 days.

Here are some of the reasons that Friday is my favorite day of the week.

It’s the last work day.

It’s always more laid back in the work arena.

It’s casual day. I love wearing jeans to the office.

I have a weekly Subway lunch date with a coworker. We look forward to it all week.

I love Friday evenings. My roommate is always out. Our house is empty, quiet, peaceful. Doesn’t matter what I do – talking on the phone to a friend, reading, watching a movie, taking a long bath – I love the quiet of my house on Friday evening after a full and stressful week.

So, here’s to the fact that there’s only 7 hours left until I get to Friday evening. And that I have an hour for lunch somewhere in there, and that, in spite of the weather, I’m wearing comfy jeans.

The Spirit Will Speak in Us - Henri Nouwen

More from Henri Nouwen

The Spirit Will Speak in Us

When we are spiritually free, we do not have to worry about what to say or do in unexpected, difficult circumstances. When we are not concerned about what others think of us or what we will get for what we do, the right words and actions will emerge from the center of our beings because the Spirit of God, who makes us children of God and sets us free, will speak and act through us.

Jesus says: "When you are handed over, do not worry about how to speak or what to say; what you are to say will be given to you when the time comes, because it is not you who will be speaking; the Spirit of your Father will be speaking in you" (Matthew 10:19-20).

Let's keep trusting the Spirit of God living within us, so that we can live freely in a world that keeps handing us over to judges and evalutators.

Enjoying

My plan for tonight is to rest. Maybe chat online or by phone with some friends. Maybe take a long bath later.

I'm eating dinner at the moment. Yes, it's a weird combo, but I like it. I made a huge bowl of fruit salad with mango, apple, kiwi, strawberries, blueberries, and blackberries. I also made a pot of couscous (of the plain variety at the moment).

I'm actually rather proud of my ability to cook couscous. I know it's maybe the simplest thing around to cook, but it feels gourmet. And it tastes good. And, since I'm not a fan of rice, it's a nice break from pasta or potatoes in the starch category.

So, I'm eating fruit salad, and couscous.

I'm burning lavender scented candles in my bedroom.

I'm planning to read a novel, or listen to a podcast I'm working on downloading - an interview with my friends Karla and Caleb about their band "Jacob and Lily". I bought a magazine when I was at the grocery store earlier. I may just curl up in my chair, and page through a magazine while I listen to the podcast.

This is my kind of night. Low key. Full of things I love. Restful.

AND

Tomorrow is casual day at the office, which always makes me happy!

Trust and Thankfulness

I’m thinking a lot about trust lately. About how I’m not very good at trusting. At trusting people. At trusting God.

I’m very good at believing. Even at hoping. But I stink at trusting. And I’ve been trying to get a little better at. To do it in spite of fears. To figure out the little ways to make steps that indicate trust.

And then, I realized something this morning, as I was making a mental list of things I’m thankful for. For me to be thankful means I have to trust that someone or something has provided the things for which I’m thankful.

So, here’s my “smile list” for the moment, my list of things I’m trusting have been provided as blessings for me in the space I currently occupy:

A cup of passion tea
Half a glass of red wine while out with a friend last night
Emails and facebook messages from friends spread out across the country and globe
A sense of peace today that has been lacking the last while
Oranges
Left-overs from dinner last night to be eaten for lunch
That my roommate will loan me her car so I can grocery shop tonight
Sermons preached by Sara Miles that I downloaded and listened to on the train this morning
David Crowder Band
Specifically the song “Come Awake”
A night that was a bit more restful
Feeling like I look “pretty” today
The scarf I’m wearing which my roommate brought from China
Comfy but cute shoes
Getting things accomplished from my pages long “to do” list at work
That I’m not feeling as sick today as I did yesterday
Plans to spend time with a few different friends this weekend
That there is only a day and half of work left in the week
Laughing with co-workers at coffee break
That in a little over two weeks I can eat chocolate and desserts again

I Liked This

I liked this blog post on "being healed" vs. "being cured"

Growing into our True Freedom - Henri Nouwen

More great stuff from Henri Nouwen...

Growing Into Our True Freedom

True freedom is the freedom of the children of God. To reach that freedom requires a lifelong discipline since so much in our world militates against it. The political, economic, social, and even religious powers surrounding us all want to keep us in bondage so that we will obey their commands and be dependent on their rewards.

But the spiritual truth that leads to freedom is the truth that we belong not to the world but to God, whose beloved children we are. By living lives in which we keep returning to that truth in word and deed, we will gradually grow into our true freedom.

Sarcastic Wednesday

I really needed the laugh this brought when a coworker played it for me this afternoon.

To Let the Word Become Flesh - Henri Nouwen

Another good thought from Henri Nouwen

To Let the Word Become Flesh

Spiritual reading is food for our souls. As we slowly let the words of the Bible or any spiritual book enter into our minds and descend into our hearts, we become different people. The Word gradually becomes flesh in us and thus transforms our whole beings. Thus spiritual reading is a continuing incarnation of the divine Word within us. In and through Jesus, the Christ, God became flesh long ago. In and through our reading of God's Word and our reflection on it, God becomes flesh in us now and thus makes us into living Christs for today.

Let's keep reading God's Word with love and great reverence.

Weeping and Longing

These days it seems I spend a lot of time weeping. I don't think I've occupied this sort of emotional space since the last year that I suffered from depression, when the desperation and longing to be set free was growing on a daily basis. When hope for that freedom seemed to diminish on an equally daily basis, in direct proportion to the growth of my longing for it. The further away the hope of release seemed, the more desperately I seemed to long for it.

I'm in that space again.

Let me be quick to say that I am not, in fact, depressed. But to an unschooled observer, my life these days must closely resemble what it looked like three years ago, as I longed to be freed from the darkness, that, over the course of seven years, had so consumed my life.

My nose piercing aches these days. While it certainly wasn't my intention five months ago, when I paid a stranger to put his finger in my nostril, drive a needle through the nostril, and fill the hole created by that needle with a jewel, it would seem that I paid to have a spiritual barometer of sorts punched directly into my face. It would seem that by making the decision, on the second anniversary of my healing from depression, to mark my freedom on my body in a visible way, I created a sort of measuring stick for that freedom. And so, in the moments when I feel most bound, in the moments when I am most keenly aware of my desperate need to be set free, my nose piercing aches, or even becomes infected.

And I spend a lot of time in tears, or close to tears, or just recovering from the most recent bout of tears. Last night a friend described new found freedoms in her life to me, and I wept. With joy that she has found that for which she has longed and wrestled. And with longing of my own, asking the Lord when my turn will come.

I long for release. For freedom from the graveclothes that bind. For life. To feel light and warmth on my face once again. And I find myself, in the midst of that longing, in the midst of begging the Lord for that freedom, asking for eyes that see, ears that hear, and a heart that understands, that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of sharing in His suffering, and the joy that His redemption brings.

Authority, Compassion, Shepherding, and Spiritual Reading

More good thoughts that have arrived over the last several days in my inbox from the Henri Nouwen society...

Authority and Obedience

Authority and obedience can never be divided, with some people having all the authority while others only have to obey. This separation causes authoritarian behaviour on the one side and doormat behaviour on the other. It perverts authority as well as obedience. A person with great authority who has nobody to be obedient to is in great spiritual danger. A very obedient person who has no authority over anyone is equally in danger.

Jesus spoke with great authority, but his whole life was complete obedience to his Father, and Jesus, who said to his Father, "Let it be as you, not I, would have it" (Matthew 26:39), has been given all authority in heaven and on earth (see Matthew 28:18). Let us ask ourselves: Do we live our authority in obedience and do we live our obedience with authority?

The Authority of Compassion

Mostly we think of people with great authority as higher up, far away, hard to reach. But spiritual authority comes from compassion and emerges from deep inner solidarity with those who are "subject" to authority. The one who is fully like us, who deeply understands our joys and pains or hopes and desires, and who is willing and able to walk with us, that is the one to whom we gladly give authority and whose "subjects" we are willing to be.

It is the compassionate authority that empowers, encourages, calls forth hidden gifts, and enables great things to happen. True spiritual authorities are located in the point of an upside-down triangle, supporting and holding into the light everyone they offer their leadership to.

The Shepherd and the Sheep

Spiritual leadership is the leadership of the Good Shepherd. As Jesus says, good shepherds know their sheep, and their sheep know them (see John 10:14). There must be a true mutuality between shepherds and their sheep. Good leaders know their own, and their own know them. Between them is mutual trust, mutual openness, mutual care, and mutual love. To follow our leaders we cannot be afraid of them, and to lead our followers we need their encouragement and support.

Jesus calls himself the Good Shepherd to show the great intimacy that must exist between leaders and those entrusted to them. Without such intimacy, leadership easily becomes oppressive.

Laying Down Your Life for Your Friends

Good Shepherds are willing to lay down their lives for their sheep (see John 10:11). As spiritual leaders walking in the footsteps of Jesus, we are called to lay down our lives for our people. This laying down might in special circumstances mean dying for others. But it means first of all making our own lives - our sorrows and joys, our despair and hope, our loneliness and experience of intimacy - available to others as sources of new life.

One of the greatest gifts we can give others is ourselves. We offer consolation and comfort, especially in moments of crisis, when we say: "Do not be afraid, I know what you are living and I am living it with you. You are not alone." Thus we become Christ-like shepherds.

Reading Spiritually About Spiritual Things

Reading often means gathering information, acquiring new insight and knowledge, and mastering a new field. It can lead us to degrees, diplomas, and certificates. Spiritual reading, however, is different. It means not simply reading about spiritual things but also reading about spiritual things in a spiritual way. That requires a willingness not just to read but to be read, not just to master but to be mastered by words. As long as we read the Bible or a spiritual book simply to acquire knowledge, our reading does not help us in our spiritual lives. We can become very knowledgeable about spiritual matters without becoming truly spiritual people.

As we read spiritually about spiritual things, we open our hearts to God's voice. Sometimes we must be willing to put down the book we are reading and just listen to what God is saying to us through its words.

Leaning In

Some thoughts from an email to a friend, and my journal, describing the experience of last evening:

I'd felt strongly all day that I really needed to make the effort to go to Centre Street tonight, to hear my brother’s choir, and for worship and whatever... almost didn't... after church this morning I slept for much of the afternoon on the couch, in and out of consciousness... so exhausted... but decided to go.

glad I did. I needed to be in that space. to be alone. to be someplace anonymous and let the music simply wash over me. to enter into worship (not completely freely but to at least enter in with my heart and begin to hear Jesus a little)... I needed to hear the sermon that the interim president of the college preached. I needed several pieces of my day to come together and make sense just a little. And I needed to talk with T. driving home, and have him "see" me in the midst of the messy and painful space I've been occupying these last months, and particularly this last week.

The sermon was from Acts 16 - where Paul and Silas are directed in a dream to go to Macedonia, and they land in Philippi, and then Paul casts the demon from the servant girl, and lands them ultimately in court, and then beaten and jailed. The challenge the speaker gave was to recognize these "interruptions" as things to lean into. God sent them to Macedonia through a dream. They went in obedience, and then they landed in jail. And in the midst of that, a jailer, his family, and many others were saved.

The speaker quoted someone (I missed the name) who said something like the following, "our spiritual life is always a frontier and we who live it must accept and rejoice that it remains untamed." Ouch. Not so much a fan of the untamed lately.

Anyway, came home and talked with Jesus for quite a while, and did some journalling... wrote the following:

I needed to hear the sermon tonight. I needed the reminder of the sudden change of direction that landed Paul and Silas in jail after they heard from the Lord so clearly to go to Macedonia, and after they did what would have seemed to be a good thing by casting the demon out of the girl. I needed the reminder to "lean into" the "frontier" experiences.

My tendency has been a bit to resent the havoc that has been wreaked in my life, and in so many relationships, by certain events in this season, despite the fact that I knew so clearly from the Lord that He'd directed me to be a part of them. It has been hard to trust the Lord to work things of beauty out of the midst of this experience. I have fought against the experience instead of leaning into it. I am being reminded on a regular basis at the moment of how truly bad I am at trust and surrender.

It's what Jesus was saying to me so incessantly in Jasper last weekend too, "My word does not return empty. Trust me. Rest in me. I sent you out and I will honor your obedience."

I can't see past this, or through it.

I taught a Sunday school lesson this morning on Judas' betrayal and Peter's denial. I am not a person who trusts easily, and it was a huge challenge to trust and be obedient to what the Lord was asking of me and I've felt a sense of betrayal as things have been so very difficult. At the same time, I've been guilty of a denial of Christ. Of denying my commitment to trust Him. Of denying that He will work in the ugly spaces - that He will give beauty for ashes, that His word will prosper, and won't return empty.

I was just looking a bit further in the Paul and Silas story that was preached tonight, and this line caught my attention, "Even at that hour of the night, the jailer cared for them and washed their wounds..." There is something hopeful to me in that. There is something hopeful in the idea that the man who imprisoned and was responsible for beating them had his heart so changed that he "cared for them and washed their wounds."

I started this morning sitting in a service at Hope for Life, and reflecting on the lines to the old hymn, "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus" that go, "Turn your eyes upon Jesus. Look full in his wonderful face..." I was thinking about seeing Jesus in a powerful dream last fall, and being unable/unwilling to look Him in the eyes.

Eye contact is not something I do lightly. It is always carefully considered, and I only meet the eyes of those whom I trust deeply for more than a moment. I hide my eyes quite deliberately, because to allow others to see into them makes me feel vulnerable and afraid.

I couldn't meet His eyes. But I want to.

I've sat here, confessing my denial, my lack of trust, and asking to start again. To enter His presence and show Him my eyes, even as filled with pain and tears as they've been lately. I want to meet His eyes, because I think that He is offering me comfort and healing there. A promise I can trust in the midst of my pain and confusion. Beauty for ashes. That his word will prosper and not return empty. That He really will hold me. That He really does love me. That I truly do belong to Him. That my heart, my life is safe in His hands. That in His presence there is freedom and healing and all my fears really are washed away.

I met Him

I met with Him tonight. Differently than I would have chosen, but still deeply, and much needed. And for that, I'm thankful.

Tired and other Sunday Afternoon Thoughts

I don't exactly understand how I can be nearing the end of three days in a row off of work, three days in which I cared for myself first, three days in which I rested and tried to restore my soul, and still be exhausted. I just don't get it. I even took a nap for an hour or so this afternoon on the couch. I never take naps if I can help it.

I'm going out in a hour or so to hear my brother's choir one last time for the year. They're performing at a church - a nice, big, anonymous church, where I can slip in for the service, sit by myself, and then meet my brother afterwards to get a ride home. It'll be an added bonus if I meet with Jesus in that time. I'd really like to meet with Jesus today. It seems, in some ways, that it has been a long time since I've managed to find myself in the presence of Jesus. It's not exactly true, but I'd like to meet with him to receive simply for me, rather than talking with him about the myriad of others for a bit.

There was a line in a novel I read this afternoon, "you artist types need to stop and refill the well sometimes." I feel like that today. I need Jesus to refill my energy and strength. I'm missing some dear friends, wishing for community nearby, and could just generally use an encounter with the Lord and his peace and rest tonight.

I taught Sunday school this morning. A lesson on Judas' betrayal, and Peter's denial. I'm not sure if my students found the questions the lesson posed to be challenging, but I certainly did, in light of things I've experienced and have been thinking about lately.

I'm actually really tired of teaching, and am counting the number of lessons left before summer, when I'm going to take a break from teaching and from church for a bit. However, I arrived at church this morning to discover that my dad's sermon was on "sexuality" and was extremely glad to be teaching. I've sat through the awkwardness of these sorts of sermons at least once in the past, and have sworn to never sit through my father speaking on said subject again. There are some things you just shouldn't have to endure as a pastor's kid, and listening to your father preach about sex is one of them. (Plus, because I sit with all of the youth kids, I not only have to endure my dad talking about sex, but the stares of all the youth, who are checking to see how awkward and embarrassed I'm feeling at the various comments.)

I'm trying to sort out my calendar for the next while. There are some friends I want to visit, and some commitments I'd like to be involved in. I'm still trying to figure out if I have the mental and emotional energy to be anything other than a hermit who sees only a select few people.

And with that, I'm going back to watching golf on television, to find some supper, and get ready to head out to hear my brother sing.

Sunburnt and Other Things...

Could someone tell me how I managed to spend a month in the Mediterranean in January without getting so much as a tan, and yet, when I spend a few hours outdoors on the first warmish and sunny spring day of the year, I manage to quite nicely sunburn my face and neck.

I watched the movie "Dan in Real Life" this afternoon. I liked it. A happy, family sort of movie. Predictable, but happy. I need some happy in my life these days.

I'm incessantly hungry. Seriously. I've been eating nearly constantly all day.

I bought pork buns in China Town today. I love pork buns. (Did I mention that I've been incessantly hungry today?)

I'm going to see a movie with my baby brother, T., tonight. I'm looking forward to hanging out with him too.

Later.

Miracle

I'm flipping through some papers from a while ago, looking for something I wrote down about 5 years back, and I came across this quote from a favorite novel, "Peace Like a River" by Leif Enger.

Here's the lines...

Let me say something about that word: miracle. For too long it's been used to characterize things or events that, though pleasant, are entirely normal. Peeping chicks at Easter time, spring generally, a clear sunrise after an overcast week - a miracle, people say, as if they've been educated from greeting cards. I'm sorry, but nope. Such things are worth our notice every day of the week, but to call them miracles evaporates the strength of the word.

Real miracles bother people, like strange sudden pains unknown in medical literature. It's true: they rebut every rule all we good citizens take comfort in. Lazarus obeying orders and climbing up out of the grave - now there's a miracle, and you can bet it upset a lot of folks who were standing around at the time. When a person dies, the earth is generally unwilling to cough him back up. A miracle contradicts the will of the earth.

My sister, Swede, who often sees to the nub, offered this: People fear miracles because they fear being changed - though ignoring them will change you also. Swede said another thing, too, and it rang in me like a bell: No miracle happens without a witness. Someone to declare, Here's what I saw. Here's how it went. Make of it what you will.
(Peace Like a River, Leif Enger, pg. 3)

Stopping In

I'm enjoying the second of three full days off in a row. This taking an extra day off work might actually pay off and see me sort of rested for the first time in months when I go back to work on Monday. Crazy!

I'm off to enjoy what may finally be weather that hints of spring by heading to the zoo and to China Town. I love both of those spots.

Then relaxing at home, and out with my brother later tonight.

New Eyes

I've been talking a lot with a friend about having "new eyes to see" lately. There's a post on that topic coming sometime in the near future. In the meantime, I thought you might like to see my actual "new eyes". My new glasses arrived this week. This first picture is me, with the old glasses - the one's I've worn for the last five years.



These are my new purple and orange eyes. I'm in love with them. But, they do clash a little with certain clothing. So, I also bought a pair of more "conservative" eyes.

These are my new "conservative" eyes. They're black. What you can't see in the picture is the hint of green in the frames, that catches the green in my eyes.

A Blog Link

I liked this post by Tony Campolo's son, Bart, on the Sojourner's Blog today. I relate to the things he says, just a little.

Keeping the Faith

In the news...

The headlines that are catching my attention today:

Attacks in Rwanda Genocide Week

Pakistan Drops Media Restrictions

Day Off

I took today off of work.

I've really needed the day.

After working through last weekend.

After the myriad of personal and emotional and spiritual stuff I've been wading through lately.

After months of never sleeping more than 3-5 hours a night.

It was nice to simply lay in bed, push for a bit extra sleep.

I made it until 8:20 in bed - a recent record!

This morning my plans involve lazing around the house. Watching a little bit of M*A*S*H*. Maybe doing a little cooking or baking. A long, hot shower. Maybe curling up with my journal, or walking to the mall to do a little browsing.

This afternoon I'm going to hang out with my best friend. Have coffee and maybe do a few errands together.

Tonight I'm going to enjoy an empty house. Maybe watch a movie or some bad television.

Tomorrow, I'm going to sleep in again.

Then go to either the zoo or China town or both. I love the zoo. And China town. Tomorrow night I'm going to hang out with T., my baby brother.

This is the kind of weekend I've needed for a while now.

Slow.

Restful.

Not a lot of tension.

Full of people I love.

Loving Our Spiritual Leaders - Henri Nouwen

Loving Our Spiritual Leaders

Religious leaders, priests, ministers, rabbis, and imams can be admired and revered but also hated and despised. We expect that our religious leaders will bring us closer to God through their prayers, teaching, and guidance. Therefore, we watch their behavior carefully and listen critically to their words. But precisely because we expect, often without fully realising it, to be superhuman, we are easily disappointed or even feel betrayed when they prove to be just as human as we are. Thus, our unmitigated admiration quickly turns into unrestrained anger.

Let's try to love our religious leaders, forgive them their faults, and see them as brothers and sisters. Then we will enable them, in their brokenness, to lead us closer to the heart of God.

In the News

Here are a few stories that caught my attention today:

Tourists Die in Peru Plane Crash

Four Prisoners Executed in Japan

In Search of Zawadi

It Won't Leave Me Alone

The image just won’t leave me alone.

She was lying facedown, perfectly still, on the edge of the street, in a pool of her own blood. I didn’t stop as I walked by – she was being tended to by three policemen and the paramedics were just arriving. The blood was garish and almost fake, reminding me of a child’s bright red tempera paints.

She wasn’t dirty, ragged, homeless. None of the things you would expect in a woman spotted in a pool of her own blood across the street from a corner commonly referred to as “crack alley”. Her jacket was khaki green, and contrasted with the dark pavement and bright red blood.

I walked by, but the image won’t leave me alone.

I’ve walked by that spot several times since. There’s little to indicate that someone lay there in the midst of an emergency less than a week ago. A dark, off-color stain remains on the pavement, looking more like a spill of oil from passing traffic than a remnant of the brassy blood that she lay in.

The image won’t leave me alone.

Being Handed Over to Suffering - Henri Nouwen

Another thought from Henri Nouwen

Being Handed Over to Suffering

People who live close together can be sources of great sorrow for one another. When Jesus chose his twelve apostles, Judas was one of them. Judas is called a traitor. A traitor, according to the literal meaning of the Greek word for "betraying," is someone who hands the other over to suffering.

The truth is that we all have something of the traitor in us because each of us hands our fellow human beings over to suffering somehow, somewhere, mostly without intending or even knowing it. Many children, even grown-up children, can experience deep anger toward their parents for having protected them too much or too little. When we are willing to confess that we often hand those we love over to suffering, even against our best intentions, we will be more ready to forgive those who, mostly against their will, are the causes of our pain.

Peace returning...

The following are portions of an email that I sent to a friend this morning. I felt that they rather nicely captured the space I find myself occupying today, and wanted to share them with the rest of you...

It's funny to me how sometimes it's such a struggle and a fight to slip into the presence of the Lord, and how other times, when I'm not even trying, I manage to get there quite inadvertently. This morning was one of those times. As I walked and took the train this morning I was listening to a Jason Upton album. Had to laugh at some of the lyrics… they stung a little (in a good way, I suppose).

I wrote in my journal on the train this morning "For the first time in days I feel some semblance of peace, of rest, of quiet in my heart. There is a faint possibility of hope that has been missing. This morning I believe that He will hold my heart. That He will shield me. That I will get through this season and find myself walking taller, stronger in the face of the waves. Intimacy with Him is less terrifying and more comforting a thought this morning. The pain exists, still, but this morning I believe that healing may be coming, for my heart and for so many others."

I am reminded of that line from Isaiah this morning, the one that says "a bruised reed he will not break" and am finding great comfort in that.

Just before I arrived at the office, a line from a Jason Upton song that I'm quite sure I've never heard before it played on my ipod this morning caught me, and I'm taking comfort in it as well… "In the midst of the presence/there is a stone/that the world rejected/and it kills the giant." Something comforting about that in the midst of a season where it has felt like I've faced an endless stream of "giants".

I'm relatively at peace. My heart feels quiet. It feels as if I've somehow managed surrender again (in a different way this time), and that, by managing it, I've managed to push through whatever it is that I've been swarmed with these last days and step into a clear space, an open space of rest for a little while. The waves are still there, but they're calmer and far less overwhelming at the moment. No more drowning or gasping for air in the fight to survive.

I've got plans to be still for a while later tonight, with that same Jason Upton album, and a candle or two. (stillness hasn't come easily or been very desired lately either.) I need to absorb some of the things that album offers in stillness instead of while I'm moving and commuting. This is a much better space to be occupying.

Bruised but not broken or crushed.

The Great Challenge - Henri Nouwen

Just a couple lines that caught me, from a longer passage from Henri Nouwen that arrived in my email inbox this morning...

"The great challenge is to acknowledge our hurts and claim our true selves as being more than the result of what other people do to us. Only when we can claim our God-made selves as the true source of our being will we be free to forgive those who have wounded us."

Pain, and the Unforced Rhythms of Grace.

I came across this quote from Frederick Buechner on Hope's Blog.

I was quite struck by it.

"I thought a lot about what the stewardship of pain means; the ways in which we deal with pain. Beside being a steward of it, there are alternatives. The most tempting is to forget it, to hide it, to cover it over, to pretend it never happened, because it is too hard to deal with. It is too unsettling to remember.

I think the world is always asking us to do it that way. Our families are always, in a way, part of the family system and so apt to say, "Don't talk about things that cause pain. You can't trust the world with those secrets. Those are family secrets. Keep them hidden. Keep them hidden from each other. Keep them hidden from yourself. Don't allow yourself to feel them."

I'm thinking tonight about this passage from "The Message" as well...

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly." (Matthew 11:28-30)

I'm needing that reminder. Needing the "unforced rhythms of grace" in my life these days. The lack of things heavy and ill-fitting. Desiring to live freely and lightly. Praying for all of those things.

Hunting for Motivation

I have now officially hit a point where I know that exhaustion has completely overtaken me.

I have a "to do" list of things I need to accomplish. It looks like this:

• sort through the papers on my desk
• update my budget
• fill out paperwork for an insurance claim for the glasses I ordered last week
• write a card for a friend
• make a grocery list
• grocery shop
• go to the library
• email a friend
• bake biscuits
• go through a phone bill
• make a credit card payment
• wash the dishes

When did I become the person who finds filling out a form and writing a card and making a credit card payment online to be a daunting set of tasks?

Crushed Grapes can Produce Tasty Wine

Another great thought from Henri Nouwen:

Friends as Reminders of Our Truth

Sometimes our sorrow overwhelms us so much that we no longer can believe in joy. Life just seems a cup filled to the brim with war, violence, rejection, loneliness, and endless disappointments.

At times like this we need our friends to remind us that crushed grapes can produce tasty wine. It might be hard for us to trust that any joy can come from our sorrow, but when we start taking steps in the direction of our friends' advice, even when we ourselves are not yet able to feel the truth of what they say, the joy that seemed to be lost may be found again and our sorrow may become livable.

Thoughts from Henri Nouwen on Receiving

Some great thoughts that have arrived over the last week or so from Henri Nouwen:

The Dignity to Give and Receive

"Nobody is so poor that he/she has nothing to give, and nobody is so rich that he/she has nothing to receive." These words by Pope John-Paul II, offer a powerful direction for all who want to work for peace. No peace is thinkable as long as the world remains divided into two groups: those who give and those who receive. Real human dignity is found in giving as well as receiving. This is true not only for individuals but for nations, cultures, and religious communities as well.

A true vision of peace sees a continuous mutuality between giving and receiving. Let's never give anything without asking ourselves what we are receiving from those to whom we give, and let's never receive anything without asking what we have to give to those from whom we receive.

The Importance of Receiving

Receiving often is harder than giving. Giving is very important: giving insight, giving hope, giving courage, giving advice, giving support, giving money, and, most of all, giving ourselves. Without giving there is no brotherhood and sisterhood.

But receiving is just as important, because by receiving we reveal to the givers that they have gifts to offer. When we say, "Thank you, you gave me hope; thank you, you gave me a reason to live; thank you, you allowed me to realise my dream," we make givers aware of their unique and precious gifts. Sometimes it is only in the eyes of the receivers that givers discover their gifts.

Daring to Become Dependent

When someone gives us a watch but we never wear it, the watch is not really received. When someone offers us an idea but we do not respond to it, that idea is not truly received. When someone introduces us to a friend but we ignore him or her, that friend does not feel well received.

Receiving is an art. It means allowing the other to become part of our lives. It means daring to become dependent on the other. It asks for the inner freedom to say: "Without you I wouldn't be who I am." Receiving with the heart is therefore a gesture of humility and love. So many people have been deeply hurt because their gifts were not well received. Let us be good receivers.

Deeply Rooted in God

Trees that grow tall have deep roots. Great height without great depth is dangerous. The great leaders of this world - like St. Francis, Gandhi, and Martin Luther King, Jr., - were all people who could live with public notoriety, influence, and power in a humble way because of their deep spiritual rootedness.

Without deep roots we easily let others determine who we are. But as we cling to our popularity, we may lose our true sense of self. Our clinging to the opinion of others reveals how superficial we are. We have little to stand on. We have to be kept alive by adulation and praise. Those who are deeply rooted in the love of God can enjoy human praise without being attached to it.

More lines from Rilke

This season seems unending at moments lately. Hard slogging, and crashing waves of emotion that feel as if they're drowning me.

I was flipping through "Rilke's Book of Hours" again tonight, and came across a few lines that speak to the way I'm feeling again lately.

I yearn to be held
in the great hands of your heart -
oh let them take me now.

Into them I place these fragments, my life,
and you, God - spend them however you want.
(pg. 139)

~~~

In deep nights I dig for you like treasure
For all I have seen
that clutters the surface of my world
is poor and paltry substitute
for the beauty of you
that has not happened yet....

My hands are bloody from digging.
I lift them, hold them open in the wind,
so they can branch like a tree.

Reaching, these hands would pull you out of the sky
as if you had shattered there,
dashed yourself to pieces in some wild impatience.

What is this I feel falling now,
falling on this parched earth,
softly,
like a spring rain?
(pg. 187)

~~~

Your first word of all was light,
and time began. Then for long you were silent.

Your second word was man, and fear began,
which grips us still.

Are you about to speak again?
I don't want your third word.

Sometimes I pray: Please don't talk.
Let all your doing be by gesture only.
Go on writing in faces and stone
what your silence means.

Be our refuge from the wrath
that drove us out of Paradise.

Be our shepherd, but never call us -
we can't bear to know what's ahead.
(pg. 103)

Home

I am so glad to report that I'm home.

It was a very long weekend.

The work stuff went more smoothly than I expected.

The personal stuff was way harder than I expected.

I'm home.

Back to work tomorrow.

Praying to survive until next weekend when I can rest properly.

Heading Out

I'm getting up at 4:30 tomorrow morning. I'm being picked up at 6:00. I've laid out mouse poison in various spots around our house. Here's hoping it works better than the traps have.

I'll be at a work conference for the weekend, and probably won't have access to the internet, so I probably won't be posting until at least Sunday night.

Picture nearly 300 mennonites converging on a 5 star hotel for a weekend. Now picture me in the middle of it. Now picture me spending my Saturday trying to corral somewhere between 30 and 50 Mennonite children, who speak varying degrees of English, while teaching them a craft project. Yeah. Really looking forward to it.

This has been a very long and hard day, and, given the fact that I don't sleep very well to start with, and the fact that I have to get up at 4:30, I'm heading for bed.

Headline that caught my eye

Pope Remembers John Paul as Sainthood Pleas Grow

How I've Been Feeling Lately...

I've been a little cranky and overwhelmed with life lately (okay, I can hear those of you who've talked to me in the last week or two dieing of laughter out there at my understatement. stop laughing at me!)

Anyway... I came across this cartoon on The Naked Pastor today, and had to laugh. Seems I've had this slightly cranky conversation with Jesus an awful lot lately. The "you do realize that even if you manage to keep me from drowning, it'll still take a miracle to get me to solid ground again" conversation.

You can see the cartoon here.

The Beauty of Shyness - Henri Nouwen

Another great thought from Henri Nouwen

The Beauty of Shyness

There is something beautiful about shyness, even though in our culture shyness is not considered a virtue. On the contrary, we are encouraged to be direct, look people straight in the eyes, tell them what is on our minds, and share our stories without a blush.

But this unflinching soul-baring, confessional attitude quickly becomes boring. It is like trees without shadows. Shy people have long shadows, where they keep much of their beauty hidden from intruders' eyes. Shy people remind us of the mystery of life that cannot be simply explained or expressed. They invite us to reverent and respectful friendships and to a wordless being together in love.

In the News...

I have a post on depression in the works. I've been thinking a lot about that topic again lately, exploring it and turning it over and over again in my thoughts.

In the meantime, here are some headlines that caught my eye in my morning perusal of the news:

India Sends Warning to Dalai Lama

Necklace Found in Peru Oldest in Americas

UN Workers Kidnapped in Somalia

Ugandan Rebel too Ill for Peace