Enjoying an Evening Alone

My roommate is working the evening shift tonight, and I am quite thoroughly enjoying an empty house for the evening.

I do love the peacefulness of an empty house.

I love the freedom to do whatever I feel like doing, without worrying that it will bother someone else.

I'm enjoying the ability to sit on my couch, watch West Wing on my laptop, do a little bit of work, and a little bit of fun stuff.

I'm going to do some reading, do some things that still need to be done in my bedroom... basically, chill out.

I'll probably wash the dishes that are sitting in my sink.

I might take a shower later and braid my hair before bed.

Ups and Downs

These lyrics, from a Kendall Payne song with the same title as this post are resonating with me today...

All that I've found through the ups and downs
Is that I'd have it no other way
Life in the raw is both fragile and strong
It's both lovely and ugly the same
Who can attest that when they're at their best
Oh their worst is still crouching close behind
It's coming to peace with the darkness in me
That allows the true light to shine inside
So let it go, for we are still far from home
Though you try and try to escape
To live and to love will always be dangerous
But it's better than playing it safe
We are composed of a symphony of notes
Every life is as music to His ears
I'll play my melody be it haunting be it sweet
Unashamed of what anyone might hear
So when the load breaks your back and your will
You must still keep your heart in the game
To live and to love will always be dangerous
But it's better than playing it safe
So let it go, when it don't feel like home
When inside is your only escape
To live and to love will always be dangerous
But would you want it any other way?

Young People, and Politics in China

I read this article in TIME magazine online this morning. It both fascinated and discouraged me. A huge and growing demographic of young people, and very little concern for the politics that govern their country, as long as their affluent lifestyle is maintained.

Check it out - definitely an interesting read.

The Soundtrack for a very LONG work day

This day has felt endless. I suppose it really will come to an end. In fact, it should draw to a close in just over half an hour. In the meantime, I have another installment of my "Soundtrack for the Day" for you.

These are the albums I listened to at work today:

1. Amanda Falk - Amanda Falk
2. My Dinner With Bruce - Steve Bell
3. Simon & Garfunkel's Greatest Hits - Simon & Garfunkel
4. Pain to Kill - Terri Clark
5. Songs - Rich Mullins

Spiritual Dryness - Henri Nouwen

Another bit from Henri Nouwen - an actual post from ME coming sometime later today or tomorrow.

Spiritual Dryness

Sometimes we experience a terrible dryness in our spiritual life. We feel no desire to pray, don't experience God's presence, get bored with worship services, and even think that everything we ever believed about God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit is little more than a childhood fairy tale.

Then it is important to realise that most of these feelings and thoughts are just feelings and thoughts, and that the Spirit of God dwells beyond our feelings and thoughts. It is a great grace to be able to experience God's presence in our feelings and thoughts, but when we don't, it does not mean that God is absent. It often means that God is calling us to a greater faithfulness. It is precisely in times of spiritual dryness that we must hold on to our spiritual discipline so that we can grow into new intimacy with God.

From my journal...

I was reading through portions of my journal a couple weeks ago, and flagged this bit to come back to. It so beautifully describes some of my dreams and goals for life - the places and things that are important to me, and the things I believe God has planted deeply within me.

It's from a journalling workshop I attended back in March. March 24th to be exact. Kim McMechan taught it, and while I can't remember the exact instructions for the exercise, the title of it is "Instinct".

I wrote:

I would live somewhere with lots of sun, but not too much heat. Somewhere where you feel wrapped in warmth. Somewhere kind of humid, because I don't care that humidity makes my hair curl - I love to wear it curly.

I'd wear skirts all the time, flowy things, and sometimes, just because I felt like it, I'd twirl like I did when I was a little girl - just to see what shape my skirt made as I spun.

I'd hang out with people who let the messy things in their life show, because that kind of honesty is beautiful.

I'd spend lots of time with people, listening, sharing stories, praying.

I'd spend lots of time alone, too, curled up in a blanket, with a cup of tea, slowing down to reflect on my day, and on the stories I'd heard while I was with people.

I'd find a way to see the world - all of the European history I studied but have never seen with my own eyes. Machu Picchu in Peru.

I'd live in a big, laid-back, coffee shop loving city, and embrace that sort of lifestyle for a while.

I'd pierce my nose, and get a tattoo.

I'd hang out in the mountains, listening and praying, and I'd spend time writing beside the ocean.

I'd spend more time with the friends you can just be quiet with.

Another Peruvian Headline

This article caught my eye just now...

Peruvian President Regrets Failings

A Good Day

I had a really good day today. Relaxing, slow... the sort that I truly love.

I went to the park this morning, and spent an hour and a half or so. I walked for a little while, then found a bench overlooking the creek, and sat to journal. I ended up watching a young deer wade through the creek, and help itself to some leaves off the bushes for lunch, for nearly 20 minutes. It was a lovely experience, and I truly felt the presence of God as I sat and wrote and prayed while watching this beautiful deer.

After that, I ran errands, and spent the afternoon at my parent's home, copying my favorite recipes from mom's recipe cards into a file on my laptop, for printing and adding to my own cookbook.

Mom fed me supper (steak dinner) and together we did a bit of grocery shopping before she drove me home.

Some time relaxing with tv on dvd, and I'll probably go to bed a bit early. All in all, a good day!

Tomorrow

I have officially survived one of the busiest weeks in recent history. I've been out for this or that scheduled event every night this week, and I'm tired.

I have great plans for tomorrow. I'm going to Fish Creek Park in the morning. I'm going to walk and pray, and then find a bench (probably in this spot I know that faces away from the homes on the edge of the park, and overlooks the forest and creek) and sit and read and think and maybe journal. I've been looking forward to the time away from everything all week - to the time to be out in nature and just "be."

After that, I'm going to come home, pick up a few things, and head to mom and dad's. I'll probably help out with some stuff around the house. I need to copy some recipes. I'm going to borrow a car and head to the library to return some books, and pick up an item that I'd requested that had now arrived. I'm also going to make a couple of phone calls - to my credit card company about some changes they're making to my account, and to my internet provider, since the bill seems rather larger than they told me it would be.

Then a quiet evening at home - maybe scrapbooking, maybe just reading or watching a dvd on my laptop. Something low key.

This is definitely my favorite kind of day.

A Window on our Spiritual Lives - Henri Nouwen

I know, I know. You're all wondering if I ever do any of the writing around here anymore. Well, I do. Or at least I will. Maybe later today, or maybe this weekend (which is full of plans for relaxing and reconnecting with bits of myself that have been neglected in this crazy month of moving and resettling, reorganizing, reprioritizing). But for now, I have this GREAT bit from Henri Nouwen that came to my email this morning as a follow-up to the bit that came to my email yesterday morning, and I thought I'd pass it along!

A Window on Our Spiritual Lives

Even though our emotional and spiritual lives are distinct, they do influence one another profoundly. Our feelings often give us a window on our spiritual journeys. When we cannot let go of jealousy, we may wonder if we are in touch with the Spirit in us that cries out "Abba." When we feel very peaceful and "centered," we may come to realise that this is a sign of our deep awareness of our belovedness.


Likewise our prayer lives, lived as faithful response to the presence of the Spirit within us, may open a window on our emotions, feelings, and passions and give us some indication of how to put them into the service of our long journey into the heart of God.

The Dynamics of the Spiritual Life - Henri Nouwen

Loved this one from Henri Nouwen that arrived in my inbox today.

The Dynamics of the Spiritual Life

Our emotional lives and our spiritual lives have different dynamics. The ups and downs of our emotional life depend a great deal on our past or present surroundings. We are happy, sad, angry, bored, excited, depressed, loving, caring, hateful, or vengeful because of what happened long ago or what is happening now.

The ups and downs of our spiritual lives depend on our obedience - that is, our attentive listening - to the movements of the Spirit of God within us. Without this listening our spiritual life eventually becomes subject to the windswept waves of our emotions.

Menu Planning

So, I'm going through menu options for a conference my company is hosting in the spring, and I've had to laugh.

We want to feed approximatly 200 down home, mostly farmers and ranchers, mennonites.

The hotel we're working with (very classy by the way) has menu options like "white bean and sweet garlic soup with wild boar bacon" and "celery root, candied pear, and cured salmon salad, citrus vinaigrette".

It's providing my colleagues and I with some very good laughs as we consider the reactions we would get if we served dishes such as these to our target demographic!

Not Alone

I was thinking this morning about an experience I had about a year and a half ago. I was sitting in church, and the formal time of teaching had split off into a time of worship, and praying over various people and needs. I had joined a small group of people to pray, but was keeping my eye on another group who were praying over a girl I knew a little bit. I was keeping tabs on the group because a new friend, one whose wisdom I’d rapidly grown to trust was there, and I needed to speak with him before he slipped out for the evening.

Finally, the group I had joined finished praying, and I was standing, chatting with them, still keeping an eye on the other group. I happened to glance over at the other group at the same time as my new friend was looking around. He immediately beckoned me to join them, and I moved in that direction, assuming they’d finished praying, and he was looking for me in the same way I was looking for him.

As I approached, he said, “I was just about to come looking for you.” When I asked why, he said something to the effect of, “the spirit told me you needed to pray for this girl.”

This was not a statement that made me happy. In fact, if I could have escaped at that moment, I absolutely would have. My mind was blank. I couldn’t help but think, “well, if the Spirit told you that I needed to pray over this person, you’d think the least He could have done was let me in on it!” However, instead of running, I sat down, and began asking the girl what was going on. As she began to share, Jesus very graciously stepped in, guided my thoughts, and gave me words of scripture, and words to pray over this young woman’s life. Words that confirmed things others had spoken over her earlier in the evening, and words that surprised me entirely by their sudden presence where there had been nothing only moments before. Throughout, the friend who had called me over in the first place provided guidance, leading both of us through this process.

And then, it was over, and I had absolutely no idea where that had come from.

As I sit here at my desk, and reflect back, the spirit is brushing against my spirit, and I shake just a little.

I didn’t realize the significance of that moment with that friend until nearly a year later. I was sitting in his living room early this spring, and we were chatting about a church situation I had found myself involved with. He spoke of the need for leadership to invite those in the church to step into their giftings, to help the young and inexperienced learn to walk out those things that God has placed in them. As he spoke, I suddenly realized that this friend was one of only two or three people (none of whom were in leadership) who had invited me into this space with God, and encouraged the growth of it in my life.

I let my mind drift back to that story this morning as I was taking the train to work. I have been feeling particularly alone and discouraged in some areas again lately, especially when it comes to the idea of learning to walk out the things that God has placed in me which are so very far outside the realm of my experience and comprehension. I found myself once again asking Jesus why it seems that so many of my friends have found spiritual parents and friends – people who live in close proximity and are able to share the stuff of life, and yet I continue to find myself walking this journey alone. I was asking Jesus for a cheerleader – for encouragement as I continued to walk out this journey. His response was varied and layered, it used the music I was listening to, and flashes of memories like this one, to remind me that I do have friends and cheerleaders, though they are often at a distance, that I hear his voice, that I am not alone.

On the Journey Towards Being Vulnerable

Not only does the Henri Nouwen society send me a daily reflection from Henri's writings, but once a week they send a longer reflection, written by someone who has ties with the society.

The longer reflection arrived in my mailbox today with the same title as this post, and, as I found it particularly timely to some things I've been thinking about and wrestling with again these last few days, I thought I'd put it up here for you all to share!

On the Journey Towards Being Vulnerable
written by STEVE IMBACH

Our media are saturated with images of individuals wearing the mask of "all togetherness". I rub shoulders daily with people quick to reassure me of the unreality "I'm fine, thanks". I find myself trapped in a superficial community, stuffed in my self-imposed cocoon of fear and shame, afraid to admit my brokenness and weakness. I can't face the possibility of rejection and loss, not making the cut, not fitting in. To break out of this prison, we are invited into the honesty of becoming vulnerable. Vulnerability dismantles our obsession with getting it right.

As I take off the mask of "all togetherness", I discover a vast world of freedom. In my vulnerability, I become accessible to fellow companions on the journey. My vulnerability invites others in, offers understanding and empathy, but also can be a cry for help. Even though vulnerability's path is often painful, its reward of deepening intimacy is welcome. Being vulnerable opens my heart to a larger worldview. I become free to explore beyond the exhausting self-focus of supporting my false image of "OKness". I find myself challenged to deeper transparency as I sing along with Leonard Cohen "Ring the bells that still can ring, forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in".

That Kind of Day

It was that kind of day.

It started as I was changing from my pyjamas into my clothes this morning. As I got ready to put my bra on, I noticed something dark, moving on the bra. Yep, there was a bug crawling around on my undergarment. So, I dropped the bra, killed the bug, and went back to getting ready for my day.

At the end of my day, I was walking through a tunnel underpass of a major road on my way home. Apparently there had been a major rainstorm. The one end of the tunnel was flooded four inches deep. I had no choice but to wade through it, and ended up with completely soaked running shoes and socks.

It was that kind of day. The kind where you have to just kind of give up and laugh.

Facebook Updates and Rabbit Trail Thoughts

I am a little bit obsessed with updating my facebook status lately - with boiling down my current state of mind into a "Lisa is..." sentence. It could be a number of different things all at once today:

• Lisa is fascinated by the things she's reading about Peru.
• Lisa is following fascinating mental rabbit trails.
• Lisa is impressed that she got a response from the Alderman's office so quickly.
• Lisa is wishing for the money to immediatly pursue some dreams.
• Lisa is dreaming of Incan ruins.
• Lisa is shocked by the concurrent way her thoughts are following those of some friends.
• Lisa is wishing she was sitting in the sun, with an iced tea, sunscreen, and a journal.
• Lisa is wondering if anyone has connections with praying people in Peru.

This post that Kirk put up is catching at the edges of some things for me. Triggering the things hanging out on the edges of my conciousness that I talked about yesterday.

Peru has been cropping up an awful lot again lately. I'm now almost positive that I will be making a trip there sometime in the next year. I'll post about all of that soon... just need to find some time to sit down, do some reading, and begin to process the multi-layered stuff that's coming up in regards to that trip.

The bus ride home yesterday was interesting. So interesting that I wrote a letter of complaint to Calgary transit this morning, that I also forwarded to the mayor and my alderman. Can I just say that I'm impressed with how quickly I got a response from the Alderman's office? I'm very pleased with that.

I grocery shopped at lunch today. Spent some money, even though it's super tight this week, because I just couldn't face the prospect of eating pb&j sandwiches for the rest of the week's lunches.

I have to stop and buy a wedding shower gift (for a shower that I'm attending more as a favor to my best friend who's hosting, than because I'm particularly close to the couple the shower is for) on my way home from work tonight. Another expense I'm not wild about in a week where money is a definite issue.

Tomorrow night I'm doing a pastor's kid sort of guilted into it favor, and taking someone's 16 year old niece from Germany (at least she speaks English fairly well) to see Shakespeare in the Park. I picked it because it's free. And we don't have to make a lot of conversation. I can pick her up, we chat in the car on the way over, we watch the play, we chat in the car on the way back to where I'm dropping her off.

This has been an incredibly slow workday. I have almost nothing to do, and I think I'm losing my mind with boredom. However, I guess I'll go back to pretending to have something to do now!

See you later!

Of Whimsical Depth

I’m taking a new route home for my commute tonight. I think it will take 20-30 minutes longer than my normal route. Those of you who know me well are howling just at the moment. “She complains about the normal length of her commute, and now she’s making it longer?” Yes. I’m making it longer. Not permanently, just occasionally. I’m going to take a bus instead of the walk and two trains I’ve been previously taking.

Why, you ask? Well, because I find myself in desperate need of space to simply sit and read, simply sit and think, to simply be, without dozens of things staring me in the face and muttering under their breath about how I should really be doing that laundry, or washing those dishes, or reading something constructive. And I’ve always found the bus a brilliant place to create space. You pop your headphones in (whether you turn them on is up to you!) and avoid making too much eye contact with those nearby, and people pretty much leave you alone. You can people watch, eavesdrop, read, stare out a window and think, write in a journal, or simply be.

I feel like many things in my life have been swirling around me at breakneck speeds, and it’s affecting my mental clarity. So tonight, I’m going to take an hour and a half or thereabouts on the bus and simply sit. I’m going to slow down all those other things clamoring to be done because I can’t do them from the seat of the bus anyway, and I’m going to read a novel, and I’m going to breathe, and I’m going to reflect on the things that have been swirling at the edges of my consciousness that I wrote about this morning. I’m going to watch people, and let my mind wander in a restful sort of way. (See, when I put it like that, you all want to spend an hour and a half on the bus too, don’t you?)

When I get home, I’m going to make myself dinner – either soup, or nachos – depends on what my stomach thinks – I’ll ask it when we’re getting close to home. The conversation will go something like this. I’ll say “What would you like for dinner tonight?” And my stomach, which has been debating the two options all day today will say either, “I’d really like some more of that soup you made last night, with the green beans and carrots in it, and maybe you could add some peas tonight.” Or it will say, “You know, I think a plate of nachos sounds great – with maybe some green onion and red and yellow peppers if there are still some in the fridge.” And then my very talkative stomach will probably suggest (I’m guessing here, but it’s a guess based in experience) that I might like to round the meal out with either an oatmeal raisin cookie, baked by my grandma, and stored in my freezer, or with something containing copious amounts of chocolate (of which I have a few different options stashed away.)

After dinner, I have plans that include lighting some candles, folding laundry while watching some tv on dvd, possibly hanging some art in my bedroom (finally!), calling a good friend in another city for a catching up and praying together sort of chat, and paging through either some scrapbooking magazines or a cookbook that I got at the library, to find ideas for future evenings.

Have I mentioned that I find great beauty, joy and peace in the most mundane and whimsical things of life? In the errands, the quiet evenings at home, the little moments of accomplishment, the conversations with my stomach, the extended commute designed to create space to breathe?

At the edge of conciousness

I’ve been noticing a lot lately how topics of conversation, transitions in the physical realm, these sorts of things, can stir things in the spiritual realm. I’m not sure I understand this, but am becoming very aware of it in my own life. I had some conversations over the weekend that stirred some things I don’t understand, and the very physical transition of moving has also stirred a great number of things – some that I understand and some I don’t.

These days I feel like I’m floating a bit around the edges of some things. Not even exactly sure what those things are. Random things, poking and prodding, rattling at the edge of my consciousness. I’m dreaming every morning, just before I wake again, and am back to praying with some degree of vigilance before I fall asleep each night – warding off the onslaught of fears that come as I begin to drift towards sleep. The morning dreams are once again the frustrating kind – the ones where I wake unsettled, knowing something of importance was going on in the dreams, but was/is just beyond my reach. This morning was particularly bad. I snapped awake from an intense dream when my alarm clock rang, but retained only the adrenaline and edgy fear from whatever was happening in the dream.

I’m praying that something will break, and clarity will emerge. That only Jesus will have access to my dreams, and that I will be able to receive that which He speaks.

I’m praying for safety – particularly in my home. For it is there that the onslaught of fear is the strongest.

I’m working to believe the promise spoken over me that was first spoken over Abram “Do not be afraid. I am your shield, your very great reward.”

I have to keep reminding myself that this promise does not mean a life without warfare (the shield an essential element of armor), or even without wounds (for a shield cannot usually cover a person in the entirety), but a life that is held fast, protected from the complete destruction of the evil one, covered by the hands of Jesus.

What We Feel is Not Who We Are - Henri Nouwen

Another great bit from Henri Nouwen:

What We Feel Is Not Who We Are

Our emotional lives move up and down constantly. Sometimes we experience great mood: swings from excitement to depression, from joy to sorrow, from inner harmony to inner chaos. A little event, a word from someone, a disappointment in work, many things can trigger such mood swings. Mostly we have little control over these changes. It seems that they happen to us rather than being created by us.

Thus it is important to know that our emotional life is not the same as our spiritual life. Our spiritual life is the life of the Spirit of God within us. As we feel our emotions shift we must connect our spirits with the Spirit of God and remind ourselves that what we feel is not who we are. We are and remain, whatever our moods, God's beloved children.

Unsettled

It's funny, this living on my own thing. I had a perfectly enjoyable evening - a birthday dinner for my grandma, held at Mom and Dad's house, and then my aunt came over to help my roommate and I hang some artwork (we have Paris on our living room walls). I drove my aunt home, and on the way back from her house, the unsettled, edgy, not quite fear settled in.

This feeling is becoming so very familiar. The sense of fear just waiting at the edges to take over. The unsettledness that comes with paranoia, and lack of comfort with my surroundings. The wondering if someone is creeping around outside my windows, who's nearby and who isn't.

The loneliness that comes from no longer having family immediately at hand to chat with, and the lack of really close friends living in the same city as me. I am lonely for people who share that portion of my heart - who are seeking a life that is deep and full. A Jesus life. I am hungry for that, lonely for the community of people who used to surround me, and have scattered to various spots across the world.

And with that, I'm going to bed. I have a long day tomorrow - one I'm not sure I'm totally excited for. I'm taking my roommate to Banff, Canmore, and Lake Louise to look around for the day. Should be fun, but I'm not into the tourist thing, and we're very opposite people. I still find her somewhat draining to be around, and wonder how well I'll handle a whole day with her. I'll enjoy the hike we've planned, and the coffee with a friend for a bit in Canmore. On Sunday, I'm going to hang out with just my family - no roommate. Coffee with my mom, time working on a budget. Those sorts of things.

Fear, and Moving Slow

I'm working to re-establish the rhythm of life that was so successfully holding me in a place of peace and reduced stress and close, listening relationship with Christ.

I'm battling sudden attacks of fear. Terror really. All kinds of out of control thought patterns that spiral into things completely irrational. I've battled against fear in various forms of attack since I was a tiny child. The first scripture verse I remember my parents teaching me goes, "When I am afraid, I will put my trust in you." I still cling to that one in moments when the fear comes fast and harsh.

I feel the need to take life very slowly these days, to not fill my calendar, to create a great deal of space for simply doing nothing. For pausing and listening. For time with those few people who are life-giving rather than draining.

I'm reading the Psalms these days - have been for almost a month now. One or two a night - just before I go to sleep. I'm finding I relate strongly to the deeply emotional cries of the Psalmists - particularly David.

My roommate has gone to bed, and I'm sitting alone in the living room, watching tv on dvd and typing this post. It's quiet, except for the noise from the dvd, and the movements of the neighbors upstairs, and I almost feel as if I could begin to like it here.

Tomorrow is Friday - casual day at work. It makes me happy to think of wearing jeans to the office! My roommate and I are going to my parents house for dinner, and to spend the evening. I'm looking forward to hanging out with my family for the evening.

And with that, I'm going back to devoting more attention to the dvd, and then, eventually to take a quick shower and head for bed.

Recognizing Christ in Suffering Communities

Another brilliant bit from Henri Nouwen

Recognizing Christ in Suffering Communities

Communities as well as individuals suffer. All over the world there are large groups of people who are persecuted, mistreated, abused, and made victims of horrendous crimes. There are suffering families, suffering circles of friends, suffering religious communities, suffering ethnic groups, and suffering nations. In these suffering bodies of people we must be able to recognise the suffering Christ. They too are chosen, blessed, broken and given to the world.

As we call one another to respond to the cries of these people and work together for justice and peace, we are caring for Christ, who suffered and died for the salvation of our world.

Homeless

I'm feeling a little adrift lately - it hit me this morning part of the reason. I'm feeling somewhat homeless - in limbo. Mom and Dad's house is not my home anymore, but my new place does not yet feel like home either.

I'm not loving this state at the moment.

I'm searching for genuine companionship at deep levels. I took a chance and shared some of my recent feelings, struggles, and frustrations with a small group of people last night. Turns out it was the old story. I spoke, and what came from within me was not what was heard by those around me. I came away feeling a bit judged, belittled, shamed. There are moments when I wonder if the kind of people I'm searching for exist, and then I'm reminded that though they don't live in Calgary, I know many believers of this sort, and am privileged to call them friends.

But still, at this moment I feel homeless, somewhat aimless, lonely. Overly emotional and hormonal, to be sure, but wondering if life will settle out any time soon.

Being Broken - Henri Nouwen

Received this in my email from the Henri Nouwen Society this morning, and thought I'd pass it along. A proper update coming sometime later today or tomorrow.

Being Broken

Jesus was broken on the cross. He lived his suffering and death not as an evil to avoid at all costs, but as a mission to embrace. We too are broken. We live with broken bodies, broken hearts, broken minds or broken spirits. We suffer from broken relationships.

How can we live our brokenness? Jesus invites us to embrace our brokenness as he embraced the cross and live it as part of our mission. He asks us not to reject our brokenness as a curse from God that reminds us of our sinfulness but to accept it and put it under God's blessing for our purification and sanctification. Thus our brokenness can become a gateway to new life.

Sunday Morning Musings

I'm pretty tired this morning. Went to bed LATE after going to watch the fireworks, and woke early. So, for the moment I'm curled up on the couch in the living room, writing a blog post. In a little while I'll get up properly, get dressed, and head for the kitchen. I need to make chicken salad for a trip to a local lake a little later this morning.

Right now there is loud ethnic music filtering through my ceiling, and I'm wondering if our new neighbors are going to be up and noisy this early every Sunday morning. I haven't met them yet, though my roommate met one of them, and my dad another. They're African, and the music I'm hearing would seem to reflect that - though different than you would exactly think. Oh well... I guess I'll just turn on music that I love to listen to quite loud too, and we'll all be happy!

Today is for relaxing. Leisurely cooking this morning, then I'll head to Mom and Dad's and catch a ride to the lake. A couple hours in the sun, then home. I think Dad is coming over again this afternoon to do a couple little things for us - hang a bulletin board, help me paint a lamp - that sort of stuff. Slow afternoon - maybe watching a movie or some tv on dvd on my laptop, packing for the trip tomorrow, leisurely evening - probably reading, maybe a trip to Kensington, bed at a decent hour.

I love days like this. Sort of scheduled, but with lots of time for doing almost nothing. Sometimes I find it so hard to slow down, but if the time is planned into my day, I do better.

Headline that Caught My Eye

Was just quickly perusing the international headlines, and the following article (as anything to do with Peru does these days) caught my eye.

Street Protests 'Paralyse' Peru

Melting

It's so hot here. I don't do heat very well. I'm tired, and it's zapping all of my energy. I think I'm melting.

In other news...

The internet in my new home is now up and running - thanks to a surprisingly competent technician from the telephone/internet provider.

My closet is now organized.

I got a half-hour massage today, and it was brilliant. If I had money I would totally be getting a full one-hour massage once a week. So relaxing.

Grocery shopped again tonight, and now I have to go through the receipt and divide up the bits that are shared, versus the bits that are just mine. Kind of gross, actually, all the extra math that this has added to my life.

My house is slowly starting to feel like it's mine. So far I still feel a bit like a visitor, and sometimes I wonder what my roommate thinks of me - we have such opposite tastes on so many things - we're shockingly different people, and sometimes I wonder how we're going to survive an entire year together.

Going to a private lake in town tomorrow, and I need to make chicken salad in the morning still. A couple hours in the sun will more than do me in, than a quiet afternoon at home, packing and in bed at a decent hour, since dad is picking me up at 5 am Monday morning for the trip to Idaho.

And with that, I'm off to finish up one or two quick things, and then we're headed out to watch the fireworks.

On the Weekend Agenda

Here are some of the things I'm hoping to accomplish this weekend:

• trip to the library
• grocery shopping
• packing for Idaho
• time at the Lake on Sunday
• packing up some items remaining at my parents house for storage
• a massage
• getting the internet in my home up and running
• watch the Stampede fireworks
• try a new chicken salad recipe
• sort out my closet so I know where my clothes are, and can find stuff again
• pick up my passport from Mom and Dad's in preparation for Idaho
• time hanging out with Megs
• sorting out some financial stuff
• read a chunk of non-fiction
• indulge in a novel
• avoid sunburn
• get some new music to put on my ipod from my brother

Busy, but fun, with down time built in, and a sense of accomplishment from finishing some of these tasks. This is the way I like my weekends to look.

Friday the 13th

So, it's Friday the 13th, and I'm once again sitting at my desk, munching on carrots. There are a few things on my to do list for the day, but not that many, making it a (hopefully) relaxing and easy day.

A couple random updates for you:

• I still don't have internet at my new place - the modem arrived yesterday, but when I called tech support to get it all set up, it turned out that there were some problems. So, a tech guy is coming to my house tomorrow afternoon to try to solve the issues, and hopefully by the end of the weekend I may have an internet connection going strong. In the meantime, if blogging is scarce around here, that's part of the reason why.
• The second reason that blogging may be scarce is that I'm leaving early Monday morning (like 5am early) to make a super-fast road trip to Idaho with my dad. He has to pick up a new boat for his fly-fishing business, and I've decided to tag along. We'll be back Tuesday evening, and I'll be back at my desk on Wednesday morning.
• The weather is sort of insufferably hot lately. I'm not a big fan of hot. I like nice middling sorts of temperatures. Low to mid twenties is just nice. However, thanks to the benefits of living in a basement suite, it hasn't been too bad in our house thus far.

I think that's all for now. I have some work to finish before coffee break - we're celebrating a coworker's birthday with cake... See you around!

Rearranging Plans

Okay, so my the "favorite person" who I was going to hang out with tonight has her car in the shop. Again. At least she called me first. She was going to take a problem with the electrical system to an autobody shop instead of her normal mechanic. I informed her that she didn't need an autobody man, she needed a mechanic. I know it's hard for all of you to imagine, but this friend, despite having owned a car for several years is even more car illiterate than me!

Since her car's in the shop, and I don't have a car, we're moving our hang out time to tomorrow night. Which leaves me with a very free evening, where my roommate is at work until close to ten. So, I'm going to run home after work to drop off my work stuff and change clothes, then I'm headed to the mall to do some errands, following which I'm going to enjoy an empty house for a couple of hours. Grey's Anatomy on my laptop while reclined on the couch is definitely figuring in to my evening plans!

Smiling

I woke up with a smile this morning.

It sort of shocks me how much better I'm doing these last couple of days. The fact that I've almost slept through the night two nights in a row is probably helping. Spent my first whole evening in my new place last night (the previous days I'd gone other places after work - errands or out with family/friends) and actually enjoyed it. I ended up stretching out on the couch with my laptop, and watching some old episodes of Gray's Anatomy on DVD (I'm working my way through season 2 again).

I'm really hoping my family members come through and pool their resources towards the purchase of a television for my birthday at the beginning of next month. It will be nice to be able to turn it on and do something mindless in the evenings. Even if we don't get cable, we can always hook my laptop up to it and watch movies/tv on dvd on the bigger screen.

Work remains somewhat slow, which is why I'm sitting at my desk writing a blog post rather than doing actual work. There are actually several things on my list to be accomplished today, but most of them will take more than 5 minutes each, which leaves a lot of time left in the day.

I think I only have about 5 more boxes of stuff to unpack, and a closet to organize. Then I can hang the rest of my art, and settle properly into my bedroom. I'm liking the way it's turning out so far, and am looking forward to the finished result. I could actually live with the mess for quite a while. I have no trouble living out of suitcases or boxes. In fact, when I travel, I never unpack immediately upon my return home. It's not uncommon for my stuff to be in a suitcase on the floor for up to a couple weeks after my return. However, my new roommate (as in many other things) is exactly the opposite of me in this matter. She unpacks immediately. So, my remaining boxes are now all in my bedroom, instead of our living room, which should help her state of mind, and will probably motivate me to finish settling in, if only to avoid tripping over boxes every morning!

I'm hoping the modem that will allow us an internet connection will arrive in the mail in the next day or so. It'd be nice to be able to surf the web at home again. I've found an open wireless network with just enough signal that I can SLOWLY download my emails most days, but can't seem to send outgoing mail. It will be nice once I'm all reconnected!

In the meantime, it's sunny outside, I'm hanging out with one of my favorite people tonight, I'm munching on carrots for a mid-morning snack, I'm wearing jeans at work (the only good thing about stampede other than mini-donuts!), and the office is quiet (allowing me the freedom to sit here writing a blog post!). These are all things that are adding to my smile.

Suddenly Sleepy

I’ve been hit by a sudden attack of that middle of the day exhaustion.

The sort where you find yourself staring blankly at the computer monitor in front of you on your desk, fighting to keep your eyes open, and to not drift off into happy oblivion.

Thankfully, there’s just over an hour left in my work day. I’m not sure I’d make it if it was much longer.

Just over an hour, than a ten minute walk to the train, 40 minutes or so on the train (probably a bit more given the stampede crowds that are having me transfer on the opposite end of downtown from where I normally do), a 15 minute walk to my house, and then supper, cleaning, and flopping down on the couch to watch Grey’s Anatomy or The West Wing on my laptop for a couple hours before bed.

Hope Rising

There is an inexplicable stirring of hope in the deep places of my soul today.

It is unexpected, but so very welcome after several days of seemingly hopeless darkness.

I needed to hear this

A Time to Receive and a Time to Give

It is important to know when we can give attention and when we need attention. Often we are inclined to give, give, and give without ever asking anything in return. We may think that this is a sign of generosity or even heroism. But it might be little else than a proud attitude that says: "I don't need help from others. I only want to give." When we keep giving without receiving we burn out quickly. Only when we pay careful attention to our own physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual needs can we be, and remain, joyful givers.

There is a time to give and a time to receive. We need equal time for both if we want to live healthy lives.

I really needed to hear these words from Henri Nouwen. The last several months I've come to a place of carefully limiting the amount of time in my life spent "giving." I've burnt out in the past from giving without having anywhere to receive. I've also learned that if I'm constantly giving I have no reserves left to walk through my own struggles, and usually end up in a puddle of tears, or sick in bed.

I love that we are designed to be reciprocal beings. Such a beautiful sense of balance designed into our very nature and into creation itself.

Something I'm Loving Right Now

Okay, so this may be the most trivial post ever, but you have to head for your local grocery store and see if you can find these:

Two-bit Trail-Mix Soft Baked Cookies.

Cranberries, walnuts, sunflower seeds, coconut, rolled oats, with yogurt drizzle.

So good.

Seriously. RUN out and buy these. Don't walk. Run. You'll love them.

Hiding

I've been trying for days to come up with words for what I've been thinking and feeling lately. I can't yet. I'm completely exhausted - physically, emotionally, spiritually. Most of the time I feel like I'm just barely clinging to my sanity. Just talking about some of the stuff going on in my life in casual conversation is enough to bring me to tears. My whole body is tense and achy, and I'm wondering about the merits of many, many decisions I've made in recent moments. My stomach has rebelled, and I'm eating in tiny amounts, maybe once or twice a day (with some snacks thrown in to keep my blood sugar up.) The last two times I've spoken with my mom, (once on the phone, once in person) I've burst out sobbing and taken several minutes to stop. Fear is running rampant, and I'm not even sure how to fight it anymore.

I should probably take an evening off, but I may have to go somewhere to do that in a relaxing fashion, as sitting in my new house just makes me look at all the boxes that still need to be unpacked, the organizing that still needs to be done, and I can't sit with it all staring me in the face.

I'm clinging desperately to Jesus. He feels distant, and my peace seems long gone.

I'm working to find the positive and beautiful things in this, but right now I'm having a hard time seeing them.

At least I've talked to a couple people in the last few days who experienced similar things the first time they were out on their own. One friend admitted to me that she rang up a $100 plus dollar long distance bill the first week after she moved away to university.

So, eventually, I'll write everything down, it'll be cathartic, and I'll be free. For the moment, I'm hiding a little bit, even from myself.

Listening With Our Wounds

To continue yesterday's thoughts from Henri Nouwen, this arrived in my inbox this morning.

Listening With Our Wounds

To enter into solidarity with a suffering person does not mean that we have to talk with that person about our own suffering. Speaking about our own pain is seldom helpful for someone who is in pain. A wounded healer is someone who can listen to a person in pain without having to speak about his or her own wounds. When we have lived through a painful depression, we can listen with great attentiveness and love to a depressed friend without mentioning our experience. Mostly it is better not to direct a suffering person's attention to ourselves. We have to trust that our own bandaged wounds will allow us to listen to others with our whole beings. That is healing.

Henri Nouwen on Woundedness and Healing

These were rather timely, given some of the stuff I've been going through lately. (more on that later today, or tomorrow.) Three bits from Henri Nouwen that arrived in my inbox over the weekend:

How Time Heals

"Time heals," people often say. This is not true when it means that we will eventually forget the wounds inflicted on us and be able to live on as if nothing happened. That is not really healing; it is simply ignoring reality. But when the expression "time heals" means that faithfulness in a difficult relationship can lead us to a deeper understanding of the ways we have hurt each other, then there is much truth in it. "Time heals" implies not passively waiting but actively working with our pain and trusting in the possibility of forgiveness and reconciliation.

The Wounded Healer

Nobody escapes being wounded. We all are wounded people, whether physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. The main question is not "How can we hide our wounds?" so we don't have to be embarrassed, but "How can we put our woundedness in the service of others?" When our wounds cease to be a source of shame, and become a source of healing, we have become wounded healers.

Jesus is God's wounded healer: through his wounds we are healed. Jesus' suffering and death brought joy and life. His humiliation brought glory; his rejection brought a community of love. As followers of Jesus we can also allow our wounds to bring healing to others.

Tending Our Own Wounds First

Our own experience with loneliness, depression, and fear can become a gift for others, especially when we have received good care. As long as our wounds are open and bleeding, we scare others away. But after someone has carefully tended to our wounds, they no longer frighten us or others.

When we experience the healing presence of another person, we can discover our own gifts of healing. Then our wounds allow us to enter into a deep solidarity with our wounded brothers and sisters.

Getting Closer

My dad came with my new roommate and I to our new house for an hour tonight.

We had a couch stuck in our stairwell since Monday, propped against a wall, because we couldn't get it down the stairs when we moved a lot of the furniture on Monday. With Dad's help, we now have a couch in our basement.

He helped Jo - my roommate - assemble her dresser, while I puttered around doing a few little organizational type things.

Our kitchen is basically set up, and on Sunday we're going to move my bed, and I'll officially be living there. Crazy!

It's getting closer. Things are coming together. We have a few more purchases to make - things like spices, a couple organizational items, that sort of thing, but then we're down to simply arranging things the way we want and setting up housekeeping. Just at this moment, the fears have mostly taken a hike and I'm feeling very excited. (Not to mention relieved that this process has a foreseeable end!)

With that done, I'm going to take a shower. Jo and I are tagging along with my brother T. and some of his friends to a comedy club tonight, and have plans to take in the Stampede tomorrow for a few hours before the rodeo.

I also need to run a couple quick errands in the morning, so I'm signing off!

Friday Afternoon Musings

I love my hair today, even though I’ve pulled it all back into a pony tail. I went to bed with it wet last night – quick late-night shower to get the aloe vera and sunscreen that were protecting me from further sunburn off of my skin – and woke up with wild crazy curls and waves this morning. I piled it back into a pony tail simply because I desperately need a haircut that I can’t afford and to leave it down wouldn’t have quite managed the “professional” appearance necessary for work. But I just glanced in a mirror, and I’m loving my hair.

I’m vacillating wildly today between moments of planning my new bedroom in my new house, and being completely discombobulated and frightened because after 24 years I have a new house.

I’ve been listening to Jacob and Lily’s “The Cathedral” all day at work again. Something about it just grabs the deeper parts of my heart right now. (I wrote about that yesterday if you’re interested.)

Jann Arden was great last night. We only stayed for an hour, but she is so funny, and played some of my favorites, so it was enjoyable all around.

I’ve been reading the July issue of “Vanity Fair” the last couple of days on the train and my lunch breaks. It’s guest edited by Bono, and all about Africa. Definitely worth picking up and reading. Not my usual quick read in a magazine, but worthwhile.

I ordered internet services for my new house today. They should be in place sometime the middle or end of next week.

I don’t like the way Stampede increases the number of public transit users. The trains were a bit of a disaster this morning thanks to the parade, and I’m dreading the afternoon commute as everyone heads to the grounds to kick off their weekend. Should be equally gross all of next week as well.

As much as I love being warm, there is a limit to how much heat I can tolerate, and we’ve reached it. I shall be extraordinarily glad if the predicted “chance of rain or thundershowers” occurs sometime today or tomorrow – just so the heaven’s don’t open in the middle of tomorrow afternoon while I’m sitting in bleachers watching the rodeo.

I do believe that I may actually be completely moved by the end of this weekend. Not settled yet, but moved. I think I’ll be relieved when that’s finally over. The strain of this transition must be showing in my face. People at work keep asking me how I’m doing, and if I’m okay.

I think we’ll have a big housewarming party in the fall – once some of my friends that are currently traveling on other continents are home, and can attend.

I’m dreaming of my ultimate someday home (assuming I’m still single). I’d like to have a two-bedroom place, filled with books, and warm colors. One room for a bedroom, the other for an office/library. Imagine – a whole room just for books and crafty sorts of things – I love this plan! Rich colors, blues and greens, reds and browns. Whimsical touches – things that stand out a little bit. Lots of sunlight, but great mood lighting at night… (dreaming is rather fun, isn’t it?)

And with that, I suppose I should get back to work… there are things on my desk with no particular deadline, that I need to stretch to fill most of next week as well, but I should at least make the attempt at accomplishing something in the hour and a half or so left before I head home for the weekend! (Filing here I come!)

The Current Soundtrack

I haven't been very tolerant of music lately. So much of the stuff I normally listen to has been grating on my nerves, adding edgyness and discomfort to the rest of the upheaval in my life just presently.

There are, however, two albums that I've been listening to over and over.

The first is a new release from Jason Upton titled “Beautiful People”. I love Jason’s heart for God, and I love the theme of this album. Some of it is stuff that I’ve felt God speaking to me over the last year, and I’m delighted to find someone else expressing the theme of finding Jesus in the broken, in the ashes. One line that sticks out to me from the album (which is at home, while I’m writing this at work, or I’d tell you what song it was from…) goes “You live in the tension, you live in the tension, you live in the tension of creation.” I love that. I’m experiencing on a number of levels again lately what it means to live in tension.

The second album is “The Cathedral” by Jacob and Lily. I think I could listen to Karla and Caleb sing and play pretty much all day. In fact, I know I could, because, on one particularly bleak day earlier this week, where the clouds of mental confusion had closed in and were threatening to overwhelm, I simply played their album over and over on my ipod, through the whole workday. And my soul felt soothed. I don’t know if I can even pick a favorite song off this album. I just know that Karla’s lyrics, and the music that brings them to life have been speaking to the deep parts of my soul lately, and that has been such a surprising, beautiful and calming thing in this space on my journey.

Where I'm At

Okay, so here’s where I’m at. I’m sunburnt – all across my upper chest and arms. My face less so, but also burnt. I’m going to have to go to the drugstore on my lunch break and pick up some aloe vera gel to sooth my aching skin.

I’m going to the stampede tonight to see Jann Arden play - $3 gate admission with the proceeds going to breast cancer, and then the concert is free. Marginal additional cost for the famous mini-donuts which will make the evening perfect. I’m still working to figure out what I can wear that will cover my very sensitive sunburnt skin appropriately to protect it from further damage, and won’t leave me roasting to death due to the heat wave we’re currently experiencing.

Hopefully by the weekend I will be fully living in my new house. At the moment we’re waiting to move my bed and mattress to the new house before I can sleep there. I remain of completely mixed feelings about this. I am completely terrified in that “Oh crap I’m an adult” sort of way, with deeper fear issues thrown in just for fun. At the same time I am totally excited to establish my own place, and live independently – which, by the way is expensive.

I’m having money issues. There is almost nothing on the planet that can stress me out the way that money does. I absolutely hate having to think about money, wondering if I have enough money from paycheck to paycheck, thinking about a budget, anything with numbers and dollar signs involved, really. My ideal job would be one where I made enough money to simply be able to purchase something I wanted, without weighing pros and cons of spending that amount ad infinitum. I would also be able to give a lot more generously to things and people whose ministries I would like to be able to support. I hate that right now when I become aware of a need, I have to think about whether or not I will be able to live for the upcoming week or month without whatever the amount is that I would like to give.

On Saturday, my mom, my new roommate and I are going to the Rodeo at the Stampede Grounds. I haven’t been to the rodeo for several years now, and I’m looking forward to taking it in. We’re also going to a stampede barbeque hosted by the church I’ve been a part of the last year that evening. Should be a busy weekend, but fun.

All of these things I’ve mentioned seem so surface level and boring as I look back over them. The trouble is that I’m having a great deal of trouble putting words around the things I’m feeling and wading through these days. I feel like so many things are shifting around me, and I’m struggling to keep my footing. There has been a definite onslaught of spiritual attack, and a corresponding drop in my emotional, mental and spiritual energy levels as I weather and fight the attack.

I’m reading through the Psalms again lately, identifying with so many of the emotions found there, and clinging to the promises. I read God’s covenant with Abram – a word that some friends spoke over me, and I have seen borne out in my life the last several months – on a nearly daily basis these days, to remind myself where my protection and worth lay.

“Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield, your very great reward.” (Gen. 15:1)

Becoming Fathers and Mothers

I got this email from the Henri Nouwen society in today, and found it a bit challenging, so I'm passing it along for the rest of you to enjoy.

Becoming Fathers and Mothers

What are we going to do when we get home? When the two sons of the parable of the prodigal son both have returned to their father, what then? The answer is simple: they have to become fathers themselves. Sons have to become fathers; daughters have to become mothers. Being children of God involves growing up and becoming like God. Jesus doesn't hesitate to say this: "Be perfect as your heavenly Father is perfect, be compassionate as your heavenly Father is compassionate." (See Matthew 5:48 and Luke 6:36). How? By welcoming home our lost brothers and sisters in the way our Father welcomed us home.

Headline for the Day

I found this article on a drug rehabilitation system that is an alternative to jail quite interesting.

Moving Day part 2

Okay, so after a day of moving boxes and furniture, with some major stuff left to go (when did I accumulate so many books?), I can't figure out why anyone in their right mind would actually LIKE moving.

I mean, this is the first time I've ever done it, and it's only about a five to seven minute drive from my parent's home, where I've lived since birth, but why would people LIKE this? It's exhausting, stressful, overwhelming, did I mention exhausting?

And with that, I'm going to go take a shower and read in bed or watch Gray's Anatomy in bed. Back to the working grind tomorrow morning early... and a busy week ahead between various personal and social commitments and finishing the move and settling in to our new home... pictures eventually.... I'll have to borrow a camera.

Moving Day

I'm spending most of the day today beginning to move to my new home.

It seems a little surreal to even write that sentence. I've lived in the same place since birth, and today I'm beginning to draw that to a close.

We won't be sleeping in the new place tonight, probably not tomorrow night either, but we're moving and beginning to set up our new place all day.

Crazy.

Blogging might be a little sparse over the course of the next week or two. My schedule is quite busy, and I'm not exactly sure when we'll have internet hooked up in our new place.

Pray for me - I'm finding this whole thing equal parts exciting and terrifying. And there are so many spiritual things attached to this whole process in my life.