I've been following the American presidential campaigns with a great deal of interest lately. I'm fascinated to see who eventually wins the nomination for each party, and who the "religious right" will ultimately vote for, affecting the outcome of the election.
I mean, from what I understand, two of the leading republican candidates are pro-choice, and both have had multiple marriages. The third leading candidate is pro-life, has strong family values, and has been married only once, but is a Mormon. So, the party that the religious right would normally vote for has a choice between two candidates with views that directly contradict their own, or someone who is a member of a cult. I think I'm going to take a somewhat perverse and cyncial pleasure in watching this one play out!
On the other side, two leading candidates would be historic - a black man, or a woman.
I hold dual citizenship - Canadian and American - and American politics have always fascinated me.
So, the election is over a year away, but I'm watching with baited breath to see what the outcome is.
(My grandma just called - returning a message I left. I'm taking her out for dinner, so I'll have to do the rest of my thinking later!)
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Friday, June 29, 2007
What I'm Thinking About (in no particular order)
There are a lot of seemingly random things on my mind at the moment, and I thought I'd take a stab at writing them down here before I head to bed. (And can I just say that I am absolutely in love with whichever genius made it possible for me to be laying in bed, typing a blog post on my laptop, which is connected to the wider world via a wireless connection...)
I've been thinking about those people who challenge my concept of what it means to live simply. I've been impacted again this week by Shane Claiborne and the Simple Way community in Philadelphia. Their home burnt to the ground last week in a seven alarm fire that started in an abandoned factory across the street. Several other homes in the community were also destroyed. If you go to their website you can watch a great video, showing footage of the fire, and find opportunities to donate money and help rebuild. You can find the website here.
I've been thinking about the times when it seems impossible to make a just choice. I was reminded this week that the little things count. I work for Mennonites. Because of their justice loving, and pacifist nature, when I chose the funds that the company will invest my RRSP contributions into, I had the option to choose what they call ethical investments. So I did. This means that my money is not supporting tobacco companies, and more importantly, that it is not supporting armament manufacturers.
I read a powerful book this week. The story of some guys about my age who travelled from the Southernmost tip of Africa to Egypt, primarily via dirt bikes. The story of what the author learned about himself over the course of the journey. It is ultimately a story of faith in the face of unspeakable tragedy, and I greatly enjoyed it. I also liked that the publishers allowed the story to not resolve - that they honored the questions instead of rushing for answers. The title? It's called "The Only Road North" and is by a guy named Erik Mirandette.
I watched a fun movie with Megs tonight. "Ratatouille". Very fun. A kids movie, but with lots of enjoyable humor and a feel good message about living to the fullness of who you are.
Ben and Jerry's makes a great raspberry sorbet. This is important news. Especially since it doesn't contain milk or milk extracts. I can eat as much of this as I want without paying for it in stomach ailments for the next three days.
Work was nearly unbearable today. Everyone was grouchy and stressed and it seemed to be catching. It was however, my weekly Subway lunch day with one of my coworkers and that as always was enjoyable.
I start moving on Monday. I started packing last night. Books mostly so far. I think I have five or six boxes of books packed, and two more bookcases left to empty.
I'm loving the music that Jacob and Lily are making these days. I listen to their album at least once ever couple days at work. I think I played it three times in a row this afternoon, since it was making me smile with fond memories, and was helping me work to avoid catching the grumpy mood floating around the office.
I'm going to do some more packing tomorrow, some church admin work, maybe watch a movie, do some errands, drive T. to and from work, and just generally hang out and enjoy a quiet house - I love when the house is empty.
I'm doing the Stampede thing in a big way this year, because my new roommate only gets one shot at it in the year she's here, and wants to see everything. So we're going to the cheap "sneak-a-peek" night - $3 admission, and Jann Arden is playing the Coke Stage. I like Jann Arden. We're also going to see the rodeo on the first Saturday afternoon, and the Grandstand show on a yet to be determined evening, as well as touring the barns, exhibits and grounds. I'm excited for the rodeo, not so much for the grandstand show, but think it'll be a good time.
I think I've found a Bible study group to hang out with for the next while. They eat together one meeting a month, make it a priority to be together every week in various people's homes, worship, pray and study the Word together. I like that. I like that right now there's no formal "pastor" figure. I like that these are simply people who have made it a priority to spend time together in the presence of God each week.
I am loving sending real mail these days. Send me you're mailing address and you'll get a card! Probably a funny card, as I have a slightly twisted sense of humor. I bought one the other day that was captioned "Amish Road Rage" - you can picture the scenes depicted.
And with that, I think I'm going to read for a bit and head to bed...
See you around!
I've been thinking about those people who challenge my concept of what it means to live simply. I've been impacted again this week by Shane Claiborne and the Simple Way community in Philadelphia. Their home burnt to the ground last week in a seven alarm fire that started in an abandoned factory across the street. Several other homes in the community were also destroyed. If you go to their website you can watch a great video, showing footage of the fire, and find opportunities to donate money and help rebuild. You can find the website here.
I've been thinking about the times when it seems impossible to make a just choice. I was reminded this week that the little things count. I work for Mennonites. Because of their justice loving, and pacifist nature, when I chose the funds that the company will invest my RRSP contributions into, I had the option to choose what they call ethical investments. So I did. This means that my money is not supporting tobacco companies, and more importantly, that it is not supporting armament manufacturers.
I read a powerful book this week. The story of some guys about my age who travelled from the Southernmost tip of Africa to Egypt, primarily via dirt bikes. The story of what the author learned about himself over the course of the journey. It is ultimately a story of faith in the face of unspeakable tragedy, and I greatly enjoyed it. I also liked that the publishers allowed the story to not resolve - that they honored the questions instead of rushing for answers. The title? It's called "The Only Road North" and is by a guy named Erik Mirandette.
I watched a fun movie with Megs tonight. "Ratatouille". Very fun. A kids movie, but with lots of enjoyable humor and a feel good message about living to the fullness of who you are.
Ben and Jerry's makes a great raspberry sorbet. This is important news. Especially since it doesn't contain milk or milk extracts. I can eat as much of this as I want without paying for it in stomach ailments for the next three days.
Work was nearly unbearable today. Everyone was grouchy and stressed and it seemed to be catching. It was however, my weekly Subway lunch day with one of my coworkers and that as always was enjoyable.
I start moving on Monday. I started packing last night. Books mostly so far. I think I have five or six boxes of books packed, and two more bookcases left to empty.
I'm loving the music that Jacob and Lily are making these days. I listen to their album at least once ever couple days at work. I think I played it three times in a row this afternoon, since it was making me smile with fond memories, and was helping me work to avoid catching the grumpy mood floating around the office.
I'm going to do some more packing tomorrow, some church admin work, maybe watch a movie, do some errands, drive T. to and from work, and just generally hang out and enjoy a quiet house - I love when the house is empty.
I'm doing the Stampede thing in a big way this year, because my new roommate only gets one shot at it in the year she's here, and wants to see everything. So we're going to the cheap "sneak-a-peek" night - $3 admission, and Jann Arden is playing the Coke Stage. I like Jann Arden. We're also going to see the rodeo on the first Saturday afternoon, and the Grandstand show on a yet to be determined evening, as well as touring the barns, exhibits and grounds. I'm excited for the rodeo, not so much for the grandstand show, but think it'll be a good time.
I think I've found a Bible study group to hang out with for the next while. They eat together one meeting a month, make it a priority to be together every week in various people's homes, worship, pray and study the Word together. I like that. I like that right now there's no formal "pastor" figure. I like that these are simply people who have made it a priority to spend time together in the presence of God each week.
I am loving sending real mail these days. Send me you're mailing address and you'll get a card! Probably a funny card, as I have a slightly twisted sense of humor. I bought one the other day that was captioned "Amish Road Rage" - you can picture the scenes depicted.
And with that, I think I'm going to read for a bit and head to bed...
See you around!
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Spiritual Courage - Henri Nouwen
Spiritual Courage
Courage is connected with taking risks. Jumping the Grand Canyon on a motorbike, coming over Niagara Falls in a barrel, walking on a tightrope between the towers of New York's World Trade Centre, or crossing the ocean in a rowboat are called courageous acts because people risk their lives by doing these things. But none of these daredevil acts comes from the centre of our being. They all come from the desire to test our physical limits and to become famous and popular.
Spiritual courage is something completely different. It is following the deepest desires of our hearts at the risk of losing fame and popularity. It asks of us the willingness to lose our temporal lives in order to gain eternal life.
Courage is connected with taking risks. Jumping the Grand Canyon on a motorbike, coming over Niagara Falls in a barrel, walking on a tightrope between the towers of New York's World Trade Centre, or crossing the ocean in a rowboat are called courageous acts because people risk their lives by doing these things. But none of these daredevil acts comes from the centre of our being. They all come from the desire to test our physical limits and to become famous and popular.
Spiritual courage is something completely different. It is following the deepest desires of our hearts at the risk of losing fame and popularity. It asks of us the willingness to lose our temporal lives in order to gain eternal life.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Donut Harrassment?
Okay... so I have a much more substantial post brewing inside my head, and I'll get around to writing it sometime today or tomorrow, but for now, this headline caught my eye in my morning perusal of the news. Who could resist a headline that involves Canada's national police force, and food from Canada's favorite coffee and donut shop?
Timbits Used in Drive-By Harrassment: RCMP
Timbits Used in Drive-By Harrassment: RCMP
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
A Courageous Life - Henri Nouwen
A Courageous Life
"Have courage," we often say to one another. Courage is a spiritual virtue. The word courage comes from the Latin word cor, which means "heart. A courageous act is an act coming from the heart. A courageous word is a word arising from the heart. The heart, however, is not just the place where our emotions are located. The heart is the centre of our being, the centre of all thoughts, feelings, passions, and decisions.
When the flesh - the lived human experience - becomes word, community can develop. When we say, "Let me tell you what we saw. Come and listen to what we did. Sit down and let me explain to you what happened to us. Wait until you hear whom we met," we call people together and make our lives into lives for others. The word brings us together and calls us into community. When the flesh becomes word, our bodies become part of a body of people.
"Have courage," we often say to one another. Courage is a spiritual virtue. The word courage comes from the Latin word cor, which means "heart. A courageous act is an act coming from the heart. A courageous word is a word arising from the heart. The heart, however, is not just the place where our emotions are located. The heart is the centre of our being, the centre of all thoughts, feelings, passions, and decisions.
When the flesh - the lived human experience - becomes word, community can develop. When we say, "Let me tell you what we saw. Come and listen to what we did. Sit down and let me explain to you what happened to us. Wait until you hear whom we met," we call people together and make our lives into lives for others. The word brings us together and calls us into community. When the flesh becomes word, our bodies become part of a body of people.
Monday, June 25, 2007
From My Journal...
I was reading some journal entries from the last couple months as I was curled up in bed late last night. I came across a passage that struck me as continuing to express great truths about where I find myself on this journey right now. So, without further ado, here's a peek into the private pages of my "paper journal"...
I remain continually overwhelmed by the complex and beautiful simplicity of the bargain Jesus offers - my messed up life for something so much fulfilling. My brokenness for His healing. This beautiful knowingness of being loved, accepted, gathered into the arms of someone who will not let anything separate me from Him.
I never believed it was possible to actually experience the love of Christ. To move from a theoretical head knowledge to a deep heart knowledge, and yet, I meet that love on a daily basis, and it convinces me that I have value - a beauty that is my own to offer to the world, and that, in itself, is a miracle.
I remain continually overwhelmed by the complex and beautiful simplicity of the bargain Jesus offers - my messed up life for something so much fulfilling. My brokenness for His healing. This beautiful knowingness of being loved, accepted, gathered into the arms of someone who will not let anything separate me from Him.
I never believed it was possible to actually experience the love of Christ. To move from a theoretical head knowledge to a deep heart knowledge, and yet, I meet that love on a daily basis, and it convinces me that I have value - a beauty that is my own to offer to the world, and that, in itself, is a miracle.
Henri Nouwen on Words
Words That Become Flesh
Words are important. Without them our actions lose meaning. And without meaning we cannot live. Words can offer perspective, insight, understanding, and vision. Words can bring consolation, comfort, encouragement and hope. Words can take away fear, isolation, shame, and guilt. Words can reconcile, unite, forgive, and heal. Words can bring peace and joy, inner freedom and deep gratitude. Words, in short, can carry love on their wings. A word of love can be the greatest act of love. That is because when our words become flesh in our own lives and the lives of others, we can change the world.
Jesus is the word made flesh. In him speaking and acting were one.
Flesh Become Word
The word must become flesh, but the flesh also must become word. It is not enough for us, as human beings, just to live. We also must give words to what we are living. If we do not speak what we are living, our lives lose their vitality and creativity. When we see a beautiful view, we search for words to express what we are seeing. When we meet a caring person, we want to speak about that meeting. When we are sorrowful or in great pain, we need to talk about it. When we are surprised by joy, we want to announce it!
Through the word, we appropriate and internalize what we are living. The word makes our experience truly human.
Words That Create Community
The word is always a word for others. Words need to be heard. When we give words to what we are living, these words need to be received and responded to. A speaker needs a listener. A writer needs a reader.
When the flesh - the lived human experience - becomes word, community can develop. When we say, "Let me tell you what we saw. Come and listen to what we did. Sit down and let me explain to you what happened to us. Wait until you hear whom we met," we call people together and make our lives into lives for others. The word brings us together and calls us into community. When the flesh becomes word, our bodies become part of a body of people.
Words are important. Without them our actions lose meaning. And without meaning we cannot live. Words can offer perspective, insight, understanding, and vision. Words can bring consolation, comfort, encouragement and hope. Words can take away fear, isolation, shame, and guilt. Words can reconcile, unite, forgive, and heal. Words can bring peace and joy, inner freedom and deep gratitude. Words, in short, can carry love on their wings. A word of love can be the greatest act of love. That is because when our words become flesh in our own lives and the lives of others, we can change the world.
Jesus is the word made flesh. In him speaking and acting were one.
Flesh Become Word
The word must become flesh, but the flesh also must become word. It is not enough for us, as human beings, just to live. We also must give words to what we are living. If we do not speak what we are living, our lives lose their vitality and creativity. When we see a beautiful view, we search for words to express what we are seeing. When we meet a caring person, we want to speak about that meeting. When we are sorrowful or in great pain, we need to talk about it. When we are surprised by joy, we want to announce it!
Through the word, we appropriate and internalize what we are living. The word makes our experience truly human.
Words That Create Community
The word is always a word for others. Words need to be heard. When we give words to what we are living, these words need to be received and responded to. A speaker needs a listener. A writer needs a reader.
When the flesh - the lived human experience - becomes word, community can develop. When we say, "Let me tell you what we saw. Come and listen to what we did. Sit down and let me explain to you what happened to us. Wait until you hear whom we met," we call people together and make our lives into lives for others. The word brings us together and calls us into community. When the flesh becomes word, our bodies become part of a body of people.
Saturday, June 23, 2007
A Pretty Good Day
I'm having a pretty good day.
My parents are home. They got home last night. It helped to talk through some of the stuff that's been going on for the last couple weeks with my mom. I'm feeling somewhat more confident and encouraged today.
I've been working on church administrative stuff today. Catching up on the stuff that I didn't get done over the week. Enjoying a quiet house. Snacking. Doing a couple of errands. Watching Grey's Anatomy Season 1 on DVD. Reading Harry Potter.
I have to cook supper soon. The meal I planned for last night - we ordered Vietnamese takeout instead.
I like these kinds of days. Slow, without massive amounts of direction. Lots of time to just breathe.
My parents are home. They got home last night. It helped to talk through some of the stuff that's been going on for the last couple weeks with my mom. I'm feeling somewhat more confident and encouraged today.
I've been working on church administrative stuff today. Catching up on the stuff that I didn't get done over the week. Enjoying a quiet house. Snacking. Doing a couple of errands. Watching Grey's Anatomy Season 1 on DVD. Reading Harry Potter.
I have to cook supper soon. The meal I planned for last night - we ordered Vietnamese takeout instead.
I like these kinds of days. Slow, without massive amounts of direction. Lots of time to just breathe.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Budgeting
I've spent the last little while looking at numbers. Trying to figure out a bit of an approximate budget for the next while, since I'm moving out and my expenses are increasing by quite a bit.
Honestly, I've gone out of my way for a very long time to avoid having to budget in a carefully planned fashion. I hate numbers of any sort. In fact, I'm on a quest to find a t-shirt I once saw in a store. It said "I'm too pretty to do math" on the front of it.
This is not easy budgeting to do, either, as I have no particular figures to base what the costs of things like food are going to be. I've never lived on my own - I don't know how to anticipate or figure out what the costs are going to be. I don't know what the incidentals are that I'm not expecting.
I'm hoping for a good raise at my job in September at my one year review. They're underpaying me quite a bit compated to the Calgary job market. I'd really like to stay - though I have a hard time with some of the people, I like my boss - we have a great working relationship. However, if I don't make a bit better money, I'll have to look elsewhere, a prospect I also don't relish...
Numbers are stressful. I think I'll probably talk through the whole budgeting thing with my mom when she gets home. This is ironic, as I've worked to keep her completely uninvolved in my finances over the last year. But, she's managed the family budget for years, and since this is very definitely not my strength, I'm going to get some help with it.
Honestly, I've gone out of my way for a very long time to avoid having to budget in a carefully planned fashion. I hate numbers of any sort. In fact, I'm on a quest to find a t-shirt I once saw in a store. It said "I'm too pretty to do math" on the front of it.
This is not easy budgeting to do, either, as I have no particular figures to base what the costs of things like food are going to be. I've never lived on my own - I don't know how to anticipate or figure out what the costs are going to be. I don't know what the incidentals are that I'm not expecting.
I'm hoping for a good raise at my job in September at my one year review. They're underpaying me quite a bit compated to the Calgary job market. I'd really like to stay - though I have a hard time with some of the people, I like my boss - we have a great working relationship. However, if I don't make a bit better money, I'll have to look elsewhere, a prospect I also don't relish...
Numbers are stressful. I think I'll probably talk through the whole budgeting thing with my mom when she gets home. This is ironic, as I've worked to keep her completely uninvolved in my finances over the last year. But, she's managed the family budget for years, and since this is very definitely not my strength, I'm going to get some help with it.
Off-Kilter
This has been a very disgruntled, off-kilter, uncertain couple of weeks, and this morning I’m feeling the effects of that.
I drank a cup of tea (passion tea from Starbucks – one of my favorites) and that seems to be helping.
My head feels stuffy – full of cotton batting. My brain is functioning very slowly, and I feel like I'm existing from one sugar rush to the next.
I am fighting off numerous little physical ailments – mostly stress related.
Overnight the poplar trees birthed cotton into the air, and my normal spring and summer allergies have stepped into high gear.
I’m moving in just over a week, and haven’t started packing. Time to get on that I guess. (Though the very idea of that is stressful at this moment.)
My parents come home tomorrow. One of the great ironies of my life is that I find it very difficult to live in my parents home, and yet, I can’t wait for them to be home this time. Partly because of the number of stressful life events that have gone on in the three weeks they’ve been overseas.
Because my parents come home tomorrow, my evening will be spent cleaning our house. It’s not terrible, but lots of little things. We’ve had company using their bed while they’ve been away, so I have to wash their sheets. I need to wash the towels in the bathroom, clean our fridge, put the clean dishes away, wipe the counters, clean the bathroom, and water the flower beds. I also need to clean my own space in preparation for packing and moving.
I’ve been hiding out in novels these last couple weeks. I think I’m on my fourth Harry Potter novel since a week ago today. Plus some other light reading and lots of mindless television in between.
I’m missing certain friends who are far away right now, and at the same time am kind of glad I don’t have to see them, as they tend to draw the honest things out of me, and the honest things in my life right now are pretty painful and ugly and fear-laced. They’re the reason I’ve been watching way more mindless television than normal and reading novels like they’re going out of style.
I’m having mood swings of immense proportions. From great excitement and jubilee to the pits of fear and exhaustion.
I’ve asked myself the “am I depressed” question with a lot more regularity these last two weeks.
I’ve worked to remind myself of the things that are beautiful, happy and good. It’s been hard to cling to them.
I’m hanging on to a promise that God gave to Abram in a vision – a promise that a friend prayed over me early this year, and that Jesus has confirmed over and over these last months. From this promise comes my tattoo idea (which is still being drawn.)
Genesis 15:1 – God’s Covenant with Abram
After this, the word of the Lord came to Abram in a vision: “Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield, your very great reward.”
I drank a cup of tea (passion tea from Starbucks – one of my favorites) and that seems to be helping.
My head feels stuffy – full of cotton batting. My brain is functioning very slowly, and I feel like I'm existing from one sugar rush to the next.
I am fighting off numerous little physical ailments – mostly stress related.
Overnight the poplar trees birthed cotton into the air, and my normal spring and summer allergies have stepped into high gear.
I’m moving in just over a week, and haven’t started packing. Time to get on that I guess. (Though the very idea of that is stressful at this moment.)
My parents come home tomorrow. One of the great ironies of my life is that I find it very difficult to live in my parents home, and yet, I can’t wait for them to be home this time. Partly because of the number of stressful life events that have gone on in the three weeks they’ve been overseas.
Because my parents come home tomorrow, my evening will be spent cleaning our house. It’s not terrible, but lots of little things. We’ve had company using their bed while they’ve been away, so I have to wash their sheets. I need to wash the towels in the bathroom, clean our fridge, put the clean dishes away, wipe the counters, clean the bathroom, and water the flower beds. I also need to clean my own space in preparation for packing and moving.
I’ve been hiding out in novels these last couple weeks. I think I’m on my fourth Harry Potter novel since a week ago today. Plus some other light reading and lots of mindless television in between.
I’m missing certain friends who are far away right now, and at the same time am kind of glad I don’t have to see them, as they tend to draw the honest things out of me, and the honest things in my life right now are pretty painful and ugly and fear-laced. They’re the reason I’ve been watching way more mindless television than normal and reading novels like they’re going out of style.
I’m having mood swings of immense proportions. From great excitement and jubilee to the pits of fear and exhaustion.
I’ve asked myself the “am I depressed” question with a lot more regularity these last two weeks.
I’ve worked to remind myself of the things that are beautiful, happy and good. It’s been hard to cling to them.
I’m hanging on to a promise that God gave to Abram in a vision – a promise that a friend prayed over me early this year, and that Jesus has confirmed over and over these last months. From this promise comes my tattoo idea (which is still being drawn.)
Genesis 15:1 – God’s Covenant with Abram
After this, the word of the Lord came to Abram in a vision: “Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield, your very great reward.”
Growing Into the Truth We Speak
From Henri Nouwen today:
Growing into the Truth We Speak
Can we only speak when we are fully living what we are saying? If all our words had to cover all our actions, we would be doomed to permanent silence! Sometimes we are called to proclaim God's love even when we are not yet fully able to live it. Does that mean we are hypocrites? Only when our own words no longer call us to conversion. Nobody completely lives up to his or her own ideals and visions. But by proclaiming our ideals and visions with great conviction and great humility, we may gradually grow into the truth we speak. As long as we know that our lives always will speak louder than our words, we can trust that our words will remain humble.
Growing into the Truth We Speak
Can we only speak when we are fully living what we are saying? If all our words had to cover all our actions, we would be doomed to permanent silence! Sometimes we are called to proclaim God's love even when we are not yet fully able to live it. Does that mean we are hypocrites? Only when our own words no longer call us to conversion. Nobody completely lives up to his or her own ideals and visions. But by proclaiming our ideals and visions with great conviction and great humility, we may gradually grow into the truth we speak. As long as we know that our lives always will speak louder than our words, we can trust that our words will remain humble.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Hanging with Rae
Rae is in town right now, staying with me for a couple of days. She brought my Christmas present - a beautiful painting that eventually I'll take a photo of and stick up here. We were messing with the photo booth software on my macbook, and the above photo is the result. Fun, no?
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
An Ongoing Relationship With Fear
I have an ongoing relationship with fear and panic. Most of the time over the last couple of years, I've managed to make it a distant relationship. These past couple of weeks, it's been a very intimate relationship.
I have been battling fears on a massive scale this past week, mostly alone. Some spiritual attack, some just an expression of my overthinking, worrying sort of personality, but strong and overwhelming in either case.
After the initial overwhelming onslaught, it has come in waves. There are moments when I wake up in the morning and think, "wow, I'm feeling really at peace again." and then something will trigger a thought that leads to a fear, that leads to panic symptoms, and suddenly I'm again fighting for the sanctity of my mind and the sanity of my soul. Things I haven't thought about in ages have sprung up - fears of loved ones dieing, fears surrounding things that I am actually greatly looking forward to and anticipating with great joy (most days!).
And they're making me tired, and a bit anti-social (which, by the way, is a terrible way to be when you're already introverted and in need of lots of alone time to process, and while you're hosting a house guest).
Sometimes I wonder if the close relationship with Jesus is worth the energy it has seemed to require to fight the battles necessary to retain that closeness this last while. I have clung to the promise of God as shield and protector, the promise that I am never alone, and yet have felt so desperately alone in the human realm, separated by physical distance from those who share my heart and uphold me with hugs and prayers. I find myself once again crying out for community - for spiritual parents and friends from whom I can seek advice and support, and with whom I can learn to walk out this journey.
I have been battling fears on a massive scale this past week, mostly alone. Some spiritual attack, some just an expression of my overthinking, worrying sort of personality, but strong and overwhelming in either case.
After the initial overwhelming onslaught, it has come in waves. There are moments when I wake up in the morning and think, "wow, I'm feeling really at peace again." and then something will trigger a thought that leads to a fear, that leads to panic symptoms, and suddenly I'm again fighting for the sanctity of my mind and the sanity of my soul. Things I haven't thought about in ages have sprung up - fears of loved ones dieing, fears surrounding things that I am actually greatly looking forward to and anticipating with great joy (most days!).
And they're making me tired, and a bit anti-social (which, by the way, is a terrible way to be when you're already introverted and in need of lots of alone time to process, and while you're hosting a house guest).
Sometimes I wonder if the close relationship with Jesus is worth the energy it has seemed to require to fight the battles necessary to retain that closeness this last while. I have clung to the promise of God as shield and protector, the promise that I am never alone, and yet have felt so desperately alone in the human realm, separated by physical distance from those who share my heart and uphold me with hugs and prayers. I find myself once again crying out for community - for spiritual parents and friends from whom I can seek advice and support, and with whom I can learn to walk out this journey.
In the News
It's been a while since I posted any news headlines, but here are some that caught my attention today (there would seem once again to be a bit of a theme):
Canadian Helped Crack International Child Abuse Ring
The Seamy Side of Donated Clothing
Used Clothing in Canada
A Tale of Sexual Slavery in China
Canadian Helped Crack International Child Abuse Ring
The Seamy Side of Donated Clothing
Used Clothing in Canada
A Tale of Sexual Slavery in China
Fruit of the Spirit
From Henri Nouwen:
The Fruit of the Spirit
How does the Spirit of God manifest itself through us? Often we think that to witness means to speak up in defense of God. This idea can make us very self-conscious. We wonder where and how we can make God the topic of our conversations and how to convince our families, friends, neighbors, and colleagues of God's presence in their lives. But this explicit missionary endeavour often comes from an insecure heart and, therefore, easily creates divisions.
The way God's Spirit manifests itself most convincingly is through its fruits: "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, trustfulness, gentleness and self-control" (Galatians 5:22). These fruits speak for themselves. It is therefore always better to raise the question "How can I grow in the Spirit?" than the question "How can I make others believe in the Spirit?"
The Fruit of the Spirit
How does the Spirit of God manifest itself through us? Often we think that to witness means to speak up in defense of God. This idea can make us very self-conscious. We wonder where and how we can make God the topic of our conversations and how to convince our families, friends, neighbors, and colleagues of God's presence in their lives. But this explicit missionary endeavour often comes from an insecure heart and, therefore, easily creates divisions.
The way God's Spirit manifests itself most convincingly is through its fruits: "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, trustfulness, gentleness and self-control" (Galatians 5:22). These fruits speak for themselves. It is therefore always better to raise the question "How can I grow in the Spirit?" than the question "How can I make others believe in the Spirit?"
Monday, June 18, 2007
Cartoon and Human Life
I saw this cartoon today on TIME magazine's website. You can find it here. Made me chuckle, but also made me kind of sad - the whole idea of a double standard of valuing human life. It's one of those social justice type issues I've been wrestling with this year.
Henri Nouwen...Again
I have a few more bits from my daily emails from the Henri Nouwen society to share with you.
Empowered to Receive Love
The Spirit reveals to us not only that God is "Abba, Father" but also that we belong to God as his beloved children. The Spirit thus restores in us the relationship from which all other relationships derive their meaning.
Abba is a very intimate word. The best translation for it is: "Daddy." The word Abba expresses trust, safety, confidence, belonging, and most of all intimacy. It does not have the connotation of authority, power, and control, that the word Father often evokes. On the contrary, Abba implies an embracing and nurturing love. This love includes and infinitely transcends all the love that comes to us from our fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, spouses, and lovers. It is the gift of the Spirit.
Doing Love
Often we speak about love as if it is a feeling. But if we wait for a feeling of love before loving, we may never learn to love well. The feeling of love is beautiful and life-giving, but our loving cannot be based in that feeling. To love is to think, speak, and act according to the spiritual knowledge that we are infinitely loved by God and called to make that love visible in this world.
Mostly we know what the loving thing to do is. When we "do" love, even if others are not able to respond with love, we will discover that our feelings catch up with our acts.
Witnesses of Love
How do we know that we are infinitely loved by God when our immediate surroundings keep telling us that we'd better prove our right to exist?
The knowledge of being loved in an unconditional way, before the world presents us with its conditions, cannot come from books, lectures, television programs, or workshops. This spiritual knowledge comes from people who witness to God's love for us through their words and deeds. These people can be close to us but they can also live far away or may even have lived long ago. Their witness announces the truth of God's love and calls us to act in accordance with it.
Empowered to Receive Love
The Spirit reveals to us not only that God is "Abba, Father" but also that we belong to God as his beloved children. The Spirit thus restores in us the relationship from which all other relationships derive their meaning.
Abba is a very intimate word. The best translation for it is: "Daddy." The word Abba expresses trust, safety, confidence, belonging, and most of all intimacy. It does not have the connotation of authority, power, and control, that the word Father often evokes. On the contrary, Abba implies an embracing and nurturing love. This love includes and infinitely transcends all the love that comes to us from our fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, spouses, and lovers. It is the gift of the Spirit.
Doing Love
Often we speak about love as if it is a feeling. But if we wait for a feeling of love before loving, we may never learn to love well. The feeling of love is beautiful and life-giving, but our loving cannot be based in that feeling. To love is to think, speak, and act according to the spiritual knowledge that we are infinitely loved by God and called to make that love visible in this world.
Mostly we know what the loving thing to do is. When we "do" love, even if others are not able to respond with love, we will discover that our feelings catch up with our acts.
Witnesses of Love
How do we know that we are infinitely loved by God when our immediate surroundings keep telling us that we'd better prove our right to exist?
The knowledge of being loved in an unconditional way, before the world presents us with its conditions, cannot come from books, lectures, television programs, or workshops. This spiritual knowledge comes from people who witness to God's love for us through their words and deeds. These people can be close to us but they can also live far away or may even have lived long ago. Their witness announces the truth of God's love and calls us to act in accordance with it.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Still thinking about rhythm
It's funny, how things can go so well for weeks, how I can seem to have a handle on life, how it feels smooth, and like I'm finally making progress with stuff, and then in one week it can all fall apart. I talked about that in my last post.
However, I'm still thinking about rhythms and the effects of losing them.
It has taken me a sick day, a full evening, a full day, and most of another day of doing nothing to begin to feel like I'm recovered and can face other human beings again. Crazy... I was thinking tonight about those moments during years of synchronized swimming where I would lose count in the middle of a figure or a routine as I was learning it. You'd pretty much have to wait until the next sequence came before you could jump back into the flow of the routine. That's what this week has felt like - those moments when I lost the beat of the music, the rhythm, and had to stop entirely.
Maybe this has been a valuable lesson... I certainly will guard my time and space more carefully in upcoming days and weeks...
And with that, I'm going to do a bit of vegging before going to bed soon.
However, I'm still thinking about rhythms and the effects of losing them.
It has taken me a sick day, a full evening, a full day, and most of another day of doing nothing to begin to feel like I'm recovered and can face other human beings again. Crazy... I was thinking tonight about those moments during years of synchronized swimming where I would lose count in the middle of a figure or a routine as I was learning it. You'd pretty much have to wait until the next sequence came before you could jump back into the flow of the routine. That's what this week has felt like - those moments when I lost the beat of the music, the rhythm, and had to stop entirely.
Maybe this has been a valuable lesson... I certainly will guard my time and space more carefully in upcoming days and weeks...
And with that, I'm going to do a bit of vegging before going to bed soon.
Saturday, June 16, 2007
When the rhythm disappears...
You know, after months of realizing that I was feeling far less stressed and far more at peace because I'd managed to develop a bit of a rhythm to living out my life, it can all fall apart in an enormous hurry.
I was so stressed this week that I became ill, because I ignored tendencies about myself and overcommitted myself in a number of ways. Some examples?
I know that I need to watch the balance of relational input/output in my life. I have come to realize that the various relationships in my life affect me one of three ways. They are either draining, neutral, or lifegiving. I have to work to make sure the time spent in draining relationships doesn't outweigh the life-giving relationships. I did a terrible job at this this week.
I also know that I need to make sure that I get a decent amount of sleep or my outlook on life becomes fairly dramatically skewed. Far too many late nights in a row caught up with me and took their toll this week.
I know that in order to recharge my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual reserves, I need to spend time by myself - away from all other people. This week I was with people for almost every moment of every day, waking to sleeping, and it drained the very life out of me.
When the rhythm disappears, my body tolerates it for the first little while, sending me warning messages that in this case the busyness of my schedule forced me to ignore. When I ignored them for two long, and made a major decision that will introduce a great deal of new freedom to my life, but is also rife with a minefield of unexplored fears, my body shut down. It woke me in the middle of the night, sick to my stomach, denied me the sleep I so desperately needed, and forced me to spend a day flat on my back, doing absolutely nothing.
You'd almost think a rhythm of rest had been input into the very design of the world and humans, at creation or something!
I was so stressed this week that I became ill, because I ignored tendencies about myself and overcommitted myself in a number of ways. Some examples?
I know that I need to watch the balance of relational input/output in my life. I have come to realize that the various relationships in my life affect me one of three ways. They are either draining, neutral, or lifegiving. I have to work to make sure the time spent in draining relationships doesn't outweigh the life-giving relationships. I did a terrible job at this this week.
I also know that I need to make sure that I get a decent amount of sleep or my outlook on life becomes fairly dramatically skewed. Far too many late nights in a row caught up with me and took their toll this week.
I know that in order to recharge my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual reserves, I need to spend time by myself - away from all other people. This week I was with people for almost every moment of every day, waking to sleeping, and it drained the very life out of me.
When the rhythm disappears, my body tolerates it for the first little while, sending me warning messages that in this case the busyness of my schedule forced me to ignore. When I ignored them for two long, and made a major decision that will introduce a great deal of new freedom to my life, but is also rife with a minefield of unexplored fears, my body shut down. It woke me in the middle of the night, sick to my stomach, denied me the sleep I so desperately needed, and forced me to spend a day flat on my back, doing absolutely nothing.
You'd almost think a rhythm of rest had been input into the very design of the world and humans, at creation or something!
Friday, June 15, 2007
Ruth Bell Graham
Billy Graham's wife, Ruth, died yesterday at the age of 87. To be honest, I've never been that interested in Billy, but I've been fascinated by Ruth since I was a little girl and my dad first read me some of her poetry.
Since then, I've read a few of her books, laughed at the descriptions of her feistyness in her son Franklin's autobiography, and purchased my own copy of her book of poetry, "Sitting by My Laughing Fire."
She was a very cool lady, I think. And now, heaven celebrates at this feisty addition!
I was flipping through her poetry tonight, and came across the following poem, untitled, as all of them in the book are, and paused, remembering why I love this book, these poems, and why I thought that Ruth was a very cool lady.
Not fears
I need deliverance from
today -
but nothingness;
inertia,
skies gray
and windless;
no sun,
no rain,
no stab of joy
or pain,
no strong regret,
no reaching after,
no tears,
no laughter,
no black despair,
no bliss.
Deliver me
today
...from this.
Since then, I've read a few of her books, laughed at the descriptions of her feistyness in her son Franklin's autobiography, and purchased my own copy of her book of poetry, "Sitting by My Laughing Fire."
She was a very cool lady, I think. And now, heaven celebrates at this feisty addition!
I was flipping through her poetry tonight, and came across the following poem, untitled, as all of them in the book are, and paused, remembering why I love this book, these poems, and why I thought that Ruth was a very cool lady.
Not fears
I need deliverance from
today -
but nothingness;
inertia,
skies gray
and windless;
no sun,
no rain,
no stab of joy
or pain,
no strong regret,
no reaching after,
no tears,
no laughter,
no black despair,
no bliss.
Deliver me
today
...from this.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Not just angst
Seems my middle of the night "oh crap I'm an adult angst" wasn't the only thing keeping me awake. I've developed a stomach bug. I'm out of bed just long enough to email my office and tell them I'm not coming to work today. Then I'll either be found crashed on a couch or in bed for the next quite a few hours.
3am
I just thought I'd mention that it is 3 am, and underlying the excitement is apparently quite a bit of "oh crap I'm an adult!" angst which has prevented much sleep in the last three hours. I'm feeling a bit better than I was when I got out of bed 10 minutes ago, and yawning, so I think I'll head for the bathroom and then back to bed... later...
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Success!
We found a place to live tonight! A God thing... thanks to those of you who prayed for us - both last night and over the last while. More details tomorrow or the next day.
Day off
I took today off work. I've called dozens of housing ads and left messages. We're looking at two places tonight. Not sure how I feel about the cost of the first one, or the neighborhood of the second one. I'm really hoping that we manage to locate something within walking distance of a train station. I'm starting to wonder about money, and if this is a financially good decision. Seems kind of overwhelming...
I'm tired, and a bit cranky just at the moment. I feel like I've been out and about far too often this week, instead of accomodating a slower rhythm that I've found helpful in controlling the level of exhaustion and stress in my life. I'm taking the next couple hours off - until we have to go look at these places.
I feel like there are a million and one things on my "to do" list that are not being accomplished this week because of having company of sorts here, and because of going out nearly every evening to one thing or another. I've been invited to see a movie with friends tomorrow night - one that I actually quite want to see - but I think I may stay home and vegetate instead... we'll have to see... Friday night is already scheduled, as is most of Saturday and Sunday... I might just need the time to breathe!
Anyhow... I'm off to watch a movie or read a book for an hour and a bit...
I'm tired, and a bit cranky just at the moment. I feel like I've been out and about far too often this week, instead of accomodating a slower rhythm that I've found helpful in controlling the level of exhaustion and stress in my life. I'm taking the next couple hours off - until we have to go look at these places.
I feel like there are a million and one things on my "to do" list that are not being accomplished this week because of having company of sorts here, and because of going out nearly every evening to one thing or another. I've been invited to see a movie with friends tomorrow night - one that I actually quite want to see - but I think I may stay home and vegetate instead... we'll have to see... Friday night is already scheduled, as is most of Saturday and Sunday... I might just need the time to breathe!
Anyhow... I'm off to watch a movie or read a book for an hour and a bit...
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Crisis of Self-doubt
I am just at this moment, having a massive crisis of self-doubt.
I have known for quite some time, and talked openly about my need to move out from under my parent’s roof. This fact has been underscored greatly these past few months, and there is a huge part of me desperately excited for the possibilities of coming freedom.
I picked up a complete stranger – someone whom I’d only met by email connections of my parents – at the airport on Sunday morning. We’d corresponded about the possibility of living together. She’s a year older than me, come to Canada from New Zealand to work for a year, and we both liked the easier financial drain of sharing a home rather than renting individually. Within 24 hours we were looking at our first basement suite. (which, by the way, we’re not taking – ask me about the lovely land-lady who’d be living upstairs sometime!)
We have an appointment to see another place tonight, and plans to hopefully see some more places tomorrow as I have taken the day off work.
But this morning, I find myself battling a resurgence of all sorts of fears. I am no stranger to fear, it has long been the biggest obstacle to walking in freedom in my life, and today those fears are running rampant.
I find myself wondering if it’s completely insane to have decided to live with a girl who I’ve known for a little more than 48 hours. I mean, I like her, she’s very sweet, but I know very little about her. I tell myself that it’s only for a year, and if it turns out terribly, it’s not that long, but I don’t know if I want to make a decision based on that? I find myself wondering if I should settle for an apartment I don’t like very much in order to get out of my parent’s house more quickly. I’m trying to decide what parts of the city I would feel comfortable living in, and whether I should push to find something in my favored neighborhoods, or if I should just simply pick something for the convenience of availability. I’m wishing my parents weren’t on a different continent so that I could run some of these thoughts past someone with experience in these sorts of things. I’m tired, and a little peopled out, with no particular end to that in sight. I’m wishing I could curl up in my bedroom and simply hide for several hours, but instead I’ve got dozens of plans for the next few days… things that must be accomplished. I’m wondering if I’m suddenly terrified because of spiritual attack, or if it’s actually a more cautioning voice of God, telling me not to move too quickly… augh… I’m going to have to phone a friend long-distance or something, find someone to chat some of this out with.
With that, I’m off to coffee break…
I have known for quite some time, and talked openly about my need to move out from under my parent’s roof. This fact has been underscored greatly these past few months, and there is a huge part of me desperately excited for the possibilities of coming freedom.
I picked up a complete stranger – someone whom I’d only met by email connections of my parents – at the airport on Sunday morning. We’d corresponded about the possibility of living together. She’s a year older than me, come to Canada from New Zealand to work for a year, and we both liked the easier financial drain of sharing a home rather than renting individually. Within 24 hours we were looking at our first basement suite. (which, by the way, we’re not taking – ask me about the lovely land-lady who’d be living upstairs sometime!)
We have an appointment to see another place tonight, and plans to hopefully see some more places tomorrow as I have taken the day off work.
But this morning, I find myself battling a resurgence of all sorts of fears. I am no stranger to fear, it has long been the biggest obstacle to walking in freedom in my life, and today those fears are running rampant.
I find myself wondering if it’s completely insane to have decided to live with a girl who I’ve known for a little more than 48 hours. I mean, I like her, she’s very sweet, but I know very little about her. I tell myself that it’s only for a year, and if it turns out terribly, it’s not that long, but I don’t know if I want to make a decision based on that? I find myself wondering if I should settle for an apartment I don’t like very much in order to get out of my parent’s house more quickly. I’m trying to decide what parts of the city I would feel comfortable living in, and whether I should push to find something in my favored neighborhoods, or if I should just simply pick something for the convenience of availability. I’m wishing my parents weren’t on a different continent so that I could run some of these thoughts past someone with experience in these sorts of things. I’m tired, and a little peopled out, with no particular end to that in sight. I’m wishing I could curl up in my bedroom and simply hide for several hours, but instead I’ve got dozens of plans for the next few days… things that must be accomplished. I’m wondering if I’m suddenly terrified because of spiritual attack, or if it’s actually a more cautioning voice of God, telling me not to move too quickly… augh… I’m going to have to phone a friend long-distance or something, find someone to chat some of this out with.
With that, I’m off to coffee break…
Monday, June 11, 2007
Empowered to Call God "Abba"
More from Henri Nouwen:
Empowered to Call God "Abba"
Calling God "Abba, Father" is different from giving God a familiar name. Calling God "Abba" is entering into the same intimate, fearless, trusting, and empowering relationship with God that Jesus had. That relationship is called Spirit, and that Spirit is given to us by Jesus and enables us to cry out with him, "Abba, Father.
"Calling God "Abba, Father" (see Roman 8:15; Galatians 4:6) is a cry of the heart, a prayer welling up from our innermost beings. It has nothing do with naming God but everything to do with claiming God as the source of who we are. This claim does not come from any sudden insight or acquired conviction; it is the claim that the Spirit of Jesus makes in communion with our spirits. It is the claim of love.
Empowered to Call God "Abba"
Calling God "Abba, Father" is different from giving God a familiar name. Calling God "Abba" is entering into the same intimate, fearless, trusting, and empowering relationship with God that Jesus had. That relationship is called Spirit, and that Spirit is given to us by Jesus and enables us to cry out with him, "Abba, Father.
"Calling God "Abba, Father" (see Roman 8:15; Galatians 4:6) is a cry of the heart, a prayer welling up from our innermost beings. It has nothing do with naming God but everything to do with claiming God as the source of who we are. This claim does not come from any sudden insight or acquired conviction; it is the claim that the Spirit of Jesus makes in communion with our spirits. It is the claim of love.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Sunday mish mash
Sorry for the odd weekend combination of thoughts, but here are a few more!
My fortune cookie on facebook right now says "You only think it's a crisis." This made me laugh, in that oddly too close to home sort of way... Feels like my life has been lived a bit in crisis mode in some areas this last while, and upon pausing and further reflection, I may only think they're crises!
On other fronts....
Everyone in the world wants to meet Bono. Except Stephen Harper. Yes, our illustrious prime minister, and my own personal member of parliament (since I'm "lucky" enough to live in his riding) is not interested in meeting the world's most famous rockstar and humanitarian. Go figure! You can read all about it here.
And with that, I'm off. Grocery shopping to do. Things to accomplish before the next week begins!
My fortune cookie on facebook right now says "You only think it's a crisis." This made me laugh, in that oddly too close to home sort of way... Feels like my life has been lived a bit in crisis mode in some areas this last while, and upon pausing and further reflection, I may only think they're crises!
On other fronts....
Everyone in the world wants to meet Bono. Except Stephen Harper. Yes, our illustrious prime minister, and my own personal member of parliament (since I'm "lucky" enough to live in his riding) is not interested in meeting the world's most famous rockstar and humanitarian. Go figure! You can read all about it here.
And with that, I'm off. Grocery shopping to do. Things to accomplish before the next week begins!
Saturday, June 09, 2007
Weekend Mish Mash
Well, it's Saturday evening, and I am just presently curled up in a reclined chair in the living room, watching television in the background. I'm comfy, warm, and really should get up off my butt and go back to the things left to be accomplished on my to do list for the week.
I just finished eating a couple of kiwi fruits. This is only important information because someone told me once that kiwi is one of the healthiest fruits you can eat. Also, I had a conversation this week with someone who told me that you can eat the skin of the kiwi fruit. This is kind of disgusting to me. I am texture girl when it comes to food, and eating something generally furry in nature is anathema!
M. and I went to see "Knocked Up" last night. I really don't know how to describe it to you. I'm afraid if I say nice things about it you'll think I'm endorsing it, and then you'll get mad when you see it and don't like it! Here's the deal - this is a movie that will offend tons of people, it has too much swearing, too much sex, too much crude humor. That being said, I liked the movie. It had a generally endearing set of characters, tons of laughs, and an enjoyable story line. So, see it, don't see it - but don't blame your choice on me!
I woke up this morning and was all ready to jump into the mile long list of things I needed to accomplish today. As I was laying in bed, prompting myself to get up, I felt God reminding me of the last couple Saturdays when I started my weekend by walking and praying in Fish Creek Park. It seemed He was prompting me to take time out and start this weekend that way too.
Some weeks I do better than others at integrating my relationship with Jesus into the stuff of my daily life - at seeing the spiritual in the mundane. This was not one of those weeks. As I walked, I couldn't help but be grateful for a God who loves me enough to pull me out of bed and strongly suggest that I might want to spend a bit of time hanging out with him before I dove into the routine of the day. It was so helpful to take that bit of time and space - that bit of quiet and reorient some stuff before I jumped into my list.
I worked an extra four hours this week - I'm doing admin stuff for the church while Mom and Dad are overseas.
I bought the greatest pair of jeans ever last night. I don't have to shorten them. This is what qualifies them as the greatest pair of jeans ever. At five foot two inches, every pair of pants I purchase requires time consuming alterations in order to be wearable. And where did I buy these marvelous jeans you ask? American Eagle Outfitters, that's where. Just to give you an idea of how short I really am, I bought jeans clearly labelled in a "short" length and, though they fit well, they could still be a bit shorter to really fit perfectly.
Okay... I think that's all I have for tonight. I pick up my potential roommate at the airport tomorrow morning after I drop the bulletins and other stuff at church.
I still have some cleaning and stuff to do to be ready for her to arrive, so I'm off to do that! See ya later!
I just finished eating a couple of kiwi fruits. This is only important information because someone told me once that kiwi is one of the healthiest fruits you can eat. Also, I had a conversation this week with someone who told me that you can eat the skin of the kiwi fruit. This is kind of disgusting to me. I am texture girl when it comes to food, and eating something generally furry in nature is anathema!
M. and I went to see "Knocked Up" last night. I really don't know how to describe it to you. I'm afraid if I say nice things about it you'll think I'm endorsing it, and then you'll get mad when you see it and don't like it! Here's the deal - this is a movie that will offend tons of people, it has too much swearing, too much sex, too much crude humor. That being said, I liked the movie. It had a generally endearing set of characters, tons of laughs, and an enjoyable story line. So, see it, don't see it - but don't blame your choice on me!
I woke up this morning and was all ready to jump into the mile long list of things I needed to accomplish today. As I was laying in bed, prompting myself to get up, I felt God reminding me of the last couple Saturdays when I started my weekend by walking and praying in Fish Creek Park. It seemed He was prompting me to take time out and start this weekend that way too.
Some weeks I do better than others at integrating my relationship with Jesus into the stuff of my daily life - at seeing the spiritual in the mundane. This was not one of those weeks. As I walked, I couldn't help but be grateful for a God who loves me enough to pull me out of bed and strongly suggest that I might want to spend a bit of time hanging out with him before I dove into the routine of the day. It was so helpful to take that bit of time and space - that bit of quiet and reorient some stuff before I jumped into my list.
I worked an extra four hours this week - I'm doing admin stuff for the church while Mom and Dad are overseas.
I bought the greatest pair of jeans ever last night. I don't have to shorten them. This is what qualifies them as the greatest pair of jeans ever. At five foot two inches, every pair of pants I purchase requires time consuming alterations in order to be wearable. And where did I buy these marvelous jeans you ask? American Eagle Outfitters, that's where. Just to give you an idea of how short I really am, I bought jeans clearly labelled in a "short" length and, though they fit well, they could still be a bit shorter to really fit perfectly.
Okay... I think that's all I have for tonight. I pick up my potential roommate at the airport tomorrow morning after I drop the bulletins and other stuff at church.
I still have some cleaning and stuff to do to be ready for her to arrive, so I'm off to do that! See ya later!
Friday, June 08, 2007
Empowered to Speak
Just popping in here quickly with a bit from Henri Nouwen. The work day (and week!) is almost over, and I have girls' night plans with M. tonight, that should hopefully not be compromised at the last minute with the presence of the guy she's interested in! Planning to go for dinner and see a chick flick... See you late tonight, or sometime on the weekend, and enjoy these thoughts from Henri!
Empowered to Speak
The Spirit that Jesus gives us empowers us to speak. Often when we are expected to speak in front of people who intimidate us, we are nervous and self-conscious. But if we live in the Spirit, we don't have to worry about what to say. We will find ourselves ready to speak when the need is there. "When they take you before ... authorities, do not worry about how to defend yourselves or what to say, because when the time comes, the Holy Spirit will teach you what you should say" (Luke 12:11-12).
We waste much of our time in anxious preparation. Let's claim the truth that the Spirit that Jesus gave us will speak in us and speak convincingly.
Empowered to Speak
The Spirit that Jesus gives us empowers us to speak. Often when we are expected to speak in front of people who intimidate us, we are nervous and self-conscious. But if we live in the Spirit, we don't have to worry about what to say. We will find ourselves ready to speak when the need is there. "When they take you before ... authorities, do not worry about how to defend yourselves or what to say, because when the time comes, the Holy Spirit will teach you what you should say" (Luke 12:11-12).
We waste much of our time in anxious preparation. Let's claim the truth that the Spirit that Jesus gave us will speak in us and speak convincingly.
Thursday, June 07, 2007
The Mostly Dark
I’m sitting here in the mostly dark, and the light from my laptop screen is reflecting off my glasses, catching on every speck of dust or smudge, and highlighting the fact that they need to be wiped clean. My chair is just below my window, and it’s open, letting in the cool late evening air, and the ambient noise from nearby streets. I’m at peace.
My life feels like that right now too… mostly dark, but at peace. No real illumination. Lots of places where I am paused, waiting for what comes next. Where I have taken every step that has thus far presented itself, and now I wait, in the mostly dark – just enough light to know that things beautiful and freeing are coming, but not enough light to yet claim them.
Maybe the mostly dark is what it’s all about anyway… just enough light to move from one step to the next. I’m thinking of a Bruce Cockburn lyric “…another step deeper into darkness/closer to the light…”
I’m thinking too about all the various scripture passages…
“Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path…”
“You will hear a voice behind you saying, ‘This is the way. Walk in it.”
“The Lord turns my darkness into light…”
“before I go…to the land of deepest night, of deep shadow and disorder, where even the light is like darkness…”
“He reveals the deep things of darkness and brings deep shadows into the light.”
“When I looked for light, then came darkness.”
“He redeemed my soul from going down to the pit and I will live to enjoy the light.”
“You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning. My god turns my darkness into light.”
“The people walking in darkness have seen a great light…”
Cockburn again:
Gone from mystery into mystery
Gone from daylight into night
Another step deeper into darkness
Closer to the light
My life feels like that right now too… mostly dark, but at peace. No real illumination. Lots of places where I am paused, waiting for what comes next. Where I have taken every step that has thus far presented itself, and now I wait, in the mostly dark – just enough light to know that things beautiful and freeing are coming, but not enough light to yet claim them.
Maybe the mostly dark is what it’s all about anyway… just enough light to move from one step to the next. I’m thinking of a Bruce Cockburn lyric “…another step deeper into darkness/closer to the light…”
I’m thinking too about all the various scripture passages…
“Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path…”
“You will hear a voice behind you saying, ‘This is the way. Walk in it.”
“The Lord turns my darkness into light…”
“before I go…to the land of deepest night, of deep shadow and disorder, where even the light is like darkness…”
“He reveals the deep things of darkness and brings deep shadows into the light.”
“When I looked for light, then came darkness.”
“He redeemed my soul from going down to the pit and I will live to enjoy the light.”
“You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning. My god turns my darkness into light.”
“The people walking in darkness have seen a great light…”
Cockburn again:
Gone from mystery into mystery
Gone from daylight into night
Another step deeper into darkness
Closer to the light
All's Quiet on the Office Front...
I am in between tasks, with a little free time while most of the staff are in meetings. I am sporadically busy these days. I’ve spent large chunks of each day over the course of the last week or so sticking return address labels on what will ultimately be 5000 envelopes. I have 1500 (3 boxes!) left to go.
I inadvertently played third wheel for most of last night, when M. invited a guy along to our girl’s night out. You really can’t take a boy to Ikea unless you’re married to him. It just doesn’t work. They mock the furniture, gasp at the prices, and just generally refuse to get into the spirit of the thing.
They talked me into accompanying them and another friend to see a late movie. “Hot Fuzz.” Very British. Quite funny. Very gory. Lots of somewhat extraneous violence. A send up of every bad cop movie ever made, done with a dry sense of humor. M. and I agreed about halfway through, while we were looking at each other, instead of a particularly gory on-screen sequence that the guys now owe us a VERY sappy chick flick out of the deal. Also, not something I’d recommend watching late at night, when you have to get up early and you suffer from nightmares. I figure I got off pretty easily by avoiding the nightmares this time, and sleeping quite restlessly.
Tonight I have plans to clean the house (we have company – my possible future roommate – arriving Sunday), maybe do an errand or two, and do a couple of hours of work for the church (they’re paying me to do some admin stuff while Dad is overseas this time – a nice way to pick up a bit of extra cash just in time for hopefully moving out…) Maybe a bit of television or a DVD thrown in for good measure.
And with that, I think I’ll go back to sticking labels… See you later!
I inadvertently played third wheel for most of last night, when M. invited a guy along to our girl’s night out. You really can’t take a boy to Ikea unless you’re married to him. It just doesn’t work. They mock the furniture, gasp at the prices, and just generally refuse to get into the spirit of the thing.
They talked me into accompanying them and another friend to see a late movie. “Hot Fuzz.” Very British. Quite funny. Very gory. Lots of somewhat extraneous violence. A send up of every bad cop movie ever made, done with a dry sense of humor. M. and I agreed about halfway through, while we were looking at each other, instead of a particularly gory on-screen sequence that the guys now owe us a VERY sappy chick flick out of the deal. Also, not something I’d recommend watching late at night, when you have to get up early and you suffer from nightmares. I figure I got off pretty easily by avoiding the nightmares this time, and sleeping quite restlessly.
Tonight I have plans to clean the house (we have company – my possible future roommate – arriving Sunday), maybe do an errand or two, and do a couple of hours of work for the church (they’re paying me to do some admin stuff while Dad is overseas this time – a nice way to pick up a bit of extra cash just in time for hopefully moving out…) Maybe a bit of television or a DVD thrown in for good measure.
And with that, I think I’ll go back to sticking labels… See you later!
The Power of the Spirit
More from Henri Nouwen...
The Power of the Spirit
In and through Jesus we come to know God as a powerless God, who becomes dependent on us. But it is precisely in this powerlessness that God's power reveals itself. This is not the power that controls, dictates, and commands. It is the power that heals, reconciles, and unites. It is the power of the Spirit. When Jesus appeared people wanted to be close to him and touch him because "power came out of him" (Luke 6:19).
It is this power of the divine Spirit that Jesus wants to give us. The Spirit indeed empowers us and allows us to be healing presences. When we are filled with that Spirit, we cannot be other than healers.
The Power of the Spirit
In and through Jesus we come to know God as a powerless God, who becomes dependent on us. But it is precisely in this powerlessness that God's power reveals itself. This is not the power that controls, dictates, and commands. It is the power that heals, reconciles, and unites. It is the power of the Spirit. When Jesus appeared people wanted to be close to him and touch him because "power came out of him" (Luke 6:19).
It is this power of the divine Spirit that Jesus wants to give us. The Spirit indeed empowers us and allows us to be healing presences. When we are filled with that Spirit, we cannot be other than healers.
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
Should have been a mental health day
I am having one of those days where I find myself completely unmotivated to exert my mental energies on any of the tasks on my daily list of things to be accomplished. There is nothing particularly time sensitive on the list, nothing that will cause the world to fall apart if it is delayed until tomorrow. I’m beginning to wish that I had given in to my initial impulse upon waking this morning, and declared today a “mental health day” and stayed home to enjoy the quiet of an empty house. Oh well… I have a quiet evening planned tonight… some chore type items from my to-do list, maybe an hour of admin work for the church, probably some television or curling up in a bath with a good book.
More from Henri
Got this in my email from Henri Nouwen society this morning, and thought I'd pass it along.
God's Breath Given to Us
Being the living Christ today means being filled with the same Spirit that filled Jesus. Jesus and his Father are breathing the same breath, the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is the intimate communion that makes Jesus and his Father one. Jesus says: "I am in the Father and the Father is in me" (John 14:10) and "The Father and I are one" (John 10:30). It is this unity that Jesus wants to give us. That is the gift of his Holy Spirit.
Living a spiritual life, therefore, means living in the same communion with the Father as Jesus did, and thus making God present in the world.
God's Breath Given to Us
Being the living Christ today means being filled with the same Spirit that filled Jesus. Jesus and his Father are breathing the same breath, the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is the intimate communion that makes Jesus and his Father one. Jesus says: "I am in the Father and the Father is in me" (John 14:10) and "The Father and I are one" (John 10:30). It is this unity that Jesus wants to give us. That is the gift of his Holy Spirit.
Living a spiritual life, therefore, means living in the same communion with the Father as Jesus did, and thus making God present in the world.
Monday, June 04, 2007
Monday
Today was one of those days that just felt like a Monday.
I didn't get enough sleep last night - mom and dad were up late packing (they left this morning to spend the next three weeks working in Ukraine). Add to that the noise from the street coming through my open window, and the ambient noise from the fan in my bedroom that I'm not yet used to, and sleep was limited and slow in coming.
It seems nearly everyone at work was feeling the same way. While my coworkers are not always the most congenial bunch, everyone seemed more out of sorts than normal today, and it was showing. Cranky conversations. Petty bickering. Childish gossip. These were staples in some of the offices surrounding my desk today. And me? I stuck nearly 1500 return address labels onto envelopes today, continued what is a most frustrating and difficult quest to locate a paper folding machine from a company in Canada rather than the US (for warranty reasons), and ate a horrifically bad imitation of a quesadilla for lunch.
However, thanks to having a car at my disposal for the next three weeks, as soon as I'd arrived home from work long enough to feed the dog and let him outside for a few minutes, I took off again, grocery shopping for the coming week or so. I bought some lunch staples, and a bunch of fresh fruit, and I'm quite looking forward to indulging myself for lunches the next couple of days.
I came home from the grocery store and sat on the patio while I barbequed chicken breasts for lunches this week. It was that windy, early summer storm on the way kind of weather. Warm, but with just a touch of wildness. I read a novel and ate fresh cherries and carrots. So good.
I wonder sometimes if other people derive such simple pleasures. A friend talked about eating cherries on the weekend, and it triggered a desire in me. I went to the grocery store, and less than an hour later found myself sitting on a patio with a bowlful of cherries and carrots, preparing food for future meals that I'm also looking forward to. It still seems funny to me, how the little things can make my day. All those years of depression where nothing was really enjoyed, and now, a stolen bite of chicken, a ripe cherry - spitting the pit into the grassy lawn, a good novel, sunlight warming my neck and wind whipping through my hair, a hot bath, a surprise drop by visit from an old friend, mozzarella cheese, a comfortable chair, and a good novel - all of these things bring me great joy and satisfaction.
I think that might be a good thing.
The last week or two have been filled with angst. I've mulled and wrestled. Been tormented and tormented myself. Asked questions that had been answered and answered questions that hadn't been asked. I'll tell you about it sometime this week. But for tonight? I'm heading for bed, with my novel in tow, and thinking about snagging another cherry or two on my way!
I didn't get enough sleep last night - mom and dad were up late packing (they left this morning to spend the next three weeks working in Ukraine). Add to that the noise from the street coming through my open window, and the ambient noise from the fan in my bedroom that I'm not yet used to, and sleep was limited and slow in coming.
It seems nearly everyone at work was feeling the same way. While my coworkers are not always the most congenial bunch, everyone seemed more out of sorts than normal today, and it was showing. Cranky conversations. Petty bickering. Childish gossip. These were staples in some of the offices surrounding my desk today. And me? I stuck nearly 1500 return address labels onto envelopes today, continued what is a most frustrating and difficult quest to locate a paper folding machine from a company in Canada rather than the US (for warranty reasons), and ate a horrifically bad imitation of a quesadilla for lunch.
However, thanks to having a car at my disposal for the next three weeks, as soon as I'd arrived home from work long enough to feed the dog and let him outside for a few minutes, I took off again, grocery shopping for the coming week or so. I bought some lunch staples, and a bunch of fresh fruit, and I'm quite looking forward to indulging myself for lunches the next couple of days.
I came home from the grocery store and sat on the patio while I barbequed chicken breasts for lunches this week. It was that windy, early summer storm on the way kind of weather. Warm, but with just a touch of wildness. I read a novel and ate fresh cherries and carrots. So good.
I wonder sometimes if other people derive such simple pleasures. A friend talked about eating cherries on the weekend, and it triggered a desire in me. I went to the grocery store, and less than an hour later found myself sitting on a patio with a bowlful of cherries and carrots, preparing food for future meals that I'm also looking forward to. It still seems funny to me, how the little things can make my day. All those years of depression where nothing was really enjoyed, and now, a stolen bite of chicken, a ripe cherry - spitting the pit into the grassy lawn, a good novel, sunlight warming my neck and wind whipping through my hair, a hot bath, a surprise drop by visit from an old friend, mozzarella cheese, a comfortable chair, and a good novel - all of these things bring me great joy and satisfaction.
I think that might be a good thing.
The last week or two have been filled with angst. I've mulled and wrestled. Been tormented and tormented myself. Asked questions that had been answered and answered questions that hadn't been asked. I'll tell you about it sometime this week. But for tonight? I'm heading for bed, with my novel in tow, and thinking about snagging another cherry or two on my way!
Friday, June 01, 2007
In and Not Of
Another bit from Henri Nouwen...
Jesus Is in the World Not of It
The Beatitudes offer us a self-portrait of Jesus. At first it might seem to be a most unappealing portrait - who wants to be poor, mourning and persecuted? Who can be truly gentle, merciful, pure in heart, a peacemaker, and always concerned about justice? Where is the realism here? Don't we have to survive in this world and use the ways of the world to do so?
Jesus shows us the way to be in the world without being of it. When we model our lives on his, a new world will open up for us. The Kingdom of Heaven will be ours, and the earth will be our inheritance. We will be comforted and have our fill; mercy will be shown to us. Yes, we will be recognised as God's children and truly see God, not just in an afterlife, but here and now (see Matthew 5:3-10). That is the reward of modelling our lives on the life of Jesus!
Jesus Is in the World Not of It
The Beatitudes offer us a self-portrait of Jesus. At first it might seem to be a most unappealing portrait - who wants to be poor, mourning and persecuted? Who can be truly gentle, merciful, pure in heart, a peacemaker, and always concerned about justice? Where is the realism here? Don't we have to survive in this world and use the ways of the world to do so?
Jesus shows us the way to be in the world without being of it. When we model our lives on his, a new world will open up for us. The Kingdom of Heaven will be ours, and the earth will be our inheritance. We will be comforted and have our fill; mercy will be shown to us. Yes, we will be recognised as God's children and truly see God, not just in an afterlife, but here and now (see Matthew 5:3-10). That is the reward of modelling our lives on the life of Jesus!
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