It Needed an Outlet

This has been one of those weeks where my emotions simply stewed. They bubbled, frothed, surfaced, buried themselves, and basically churned every which way, taking me along for the ride. Not so pleasant. My own stuff, and then both of the women I've been walking life with had semi-crisis, seventeen step back type moments this week. And I was tired, and I was stewing.

I spent all of last evening and most of today working on a creative project. I needed an outlet. So, I plopped myself in front of the television, with a variety of foods (chocolate creme oreos, corn chips, a desert our family fondly refers to as "creamy chocolate delight"), spread my scrapbooking and collage supplies out around me, tuned the tv to something mindless that I would really only need my ears for and not my eyes, and started creating. I've made a mini-book (almost - going to finish it tomorrow morning).

I had the house to myself for the evening last night, and for the day today, and I've simply been lazy and creative. And it was great. A cathartic release. I feel much more settled, together, peaceful, and rested than I did yesterday. Nothing like some good chocolate, and a project to baby.

So, it's a mini-book, full of quotes, single words - things to remind me what I want my outlook on life to be when it's not quite there. And it's green and brown - which just kind of happened, but which are also two of my favorite colors. My eyes are green, and they're my favorite physical feature. I think I may be the only scrapbooker in the world who could quite happily make books without ever using photographs - only words and phrases and quotations! And it's a thing of beauty, something I'm proud of, even though it's a bit more girly than I intended!

The only time I left the house was for a trip to the scrapbooking store. So, I got out of my pajamas, dressed myself in my favorite jeans, a green tank-top layered under a brown t-shirt, and my favorite cute brown suede shoes, grabbed a fleece and headed out into the snow.

I also tidied our kitchen today, and scrubbed our bathtub, but those were side things that I promised my mom I would do.

I like the speed of life around our house when my dad is away on a missions' trip. So much more relaxed - we cook what we want, and don't end up with leftovers that have to be eaten six more times. We chill, move at a slower pace, an easier schedule.

I'm going out tonight to see a movie. Some spoof of American Idol among other things. A friend called and asked if she could treat me to a movie in exchange for my company for the evening. Seems she turned down invitations to several different parties, deeming it unwise to attend, and so she decided to call me, and offered to pay for a movie in deference to my current state of unemployment, in exchange for giving her something to do for a portion of the evening and thus keeping her away from the parties. Works for me!

And so, I'm off to shower, and pamper myself a little, and then I'll find some dinner and head out to meet my friend. It's been a good day.

One Year Blogiversary!

One year ago today I wrote my first post on this blog. I started blogging here for a completely mundane reason. James was in Sri Lanka, and his blog didn't allow anonymous comments, so I created a blogger account, and the rest, as they (who are they anyway, and why are they talking about me?) say is history.

I could tell you so many things. But instead, I'm going to just link you to my favorite posts from the past year. For some of them I'll tell you why I picked them, and some of them I'll just let speak for themselves! There are quite a few - it's been a kind of crazy and significant year. So, pick a few and remember with me, or read them all and celebrate with me the incredible changes in my life since last April!

• May 18, 2005 - Disconnect, Crash, and a Jann Arden Song
• May 22, 2005 - Restless
• May 28, 2005 - A Call to Go Deeper - This post asked questions that had been on my heart for quite some time - How could God possibly be calling me to go deeper when I could barely survive in the shallows?
• June 22, 2005 - G. K. Chesterton on Sanity and Reason - Because this quote is one of my favorites of all time.
• July 20, 2005 - Quoting Clive Staples - Because Lewis asks good questions.
• August 12, 2005 - Stumbling Towards Faith - Because this book changed my life, and created a shift that led to a place of eventual healing.
• September 3, 2005 - Relational Highs and Lows
• September 24, 2005 - Stream of Consciousness - Because this was a moment to be marked.
• October 6, 2005 - Angry - Because it took me over a year to admit it, and admitting it was cathartic.
• October 18, 2005 - In That Moment - One of the most poignant moments of the year. A time in which I had no idea what to do, but was simply present. Something I've been thinking about this week because I held the same young woman as she wept at church again last week.
• November 2, 2005 - Those Who Hope in His Steadfast Love.... - The day after God healed my depression, before I even realized it, but simply knew that He had showed up and my life was changing.
• November 23, 2005 - Something Changed...Or I Just Showed Up
• November 30, 2005 - Whispers - Because God was speaking, and creating "vibrant harmonies".
• December 6, 2005 - The Woman's Creed - Because I am learning my value in God's eyes as a woman.
• December 12, 2005 - Practicality
• December 20, 2005 - I'm Done! - Because everyone should celebrate completing university.
• December 29, 2005 - The Silence of a Muddled Mind - Because this is one of the best titles I came up with all year, and because this post really does talk about some things that were very significant. I was "undone" in the words of a friend, and it turned out to be a very good place to live.
• January 4, 2006 - Listening to God is...
• January 24, 2006 - The Things I Need to Say
• February 1, 2006 - On Hold - Because this was a moment of desperation, and because Nolan's comment really encouraged me.
• March 2, 2006 - Mental Health - Because Stuart sent me this link on a day where I desperately needed a laugh!
• March 8, 2006 - The Kingdom Isn't Breaking Through - Because this is where my heart is, this is the place that God is speaking to me.
• March 13, 2006 - From the Ashes - Because it was a breakthrough.
• March 17, 2006 - Looking For Wisdom - Because it continues to be the cry of my heart.

I had a great time this morning, flipping through all the entries from the last year, and picking my favorites. This has been a crazy year, and I'm really glad James' no anonymous comments thing forced me to create my own blog - because if I hadn't, I'm not sure I would have such a strong chronicle of the changes that have happened in my life.

Hope is such a beautiful thing. A year ago, even six months ago I was in a place of praying something along the lines of, "God, release the tiny portion of my heart that you still hold, because I'm done. There is no reason for me to get out of bed in the mornings. There is nothing worth living for." And then, six months ago, God stepped in, and now I pray something along the lines of, "God, my life is open to you. I am yours, do whatever you want." And this new prayer is terrifying, but beautiful. There is an unexplainable, illogical and completely overwhelmingly beautiful hope that defines my life. People and things have tried to minimize it at times over the last months, but it is there and I want to shout from the rooftops the presence, the transforming presence of Jesus!

Love This Quote

I came across these lines from a poem by Gottfried Arnold, a radical eighteenth century pietist, as I was flipping through a textbook of pietist writings tonight. And they made me smile, because they have reflected things I have often felt of late.

The power of the Cross has made me a fool.
I marvel that men do not laugh in my face.

Things that Made Me Smile Today

• Chocolate Creme Oreos.
• Sitting in the sunshine on the front steps of my house, letting the sun bake my bare feet.
• Finishing a good novel.
• Finishing a non-fiction book - I buy a lot of these, and usually read 1/3 to 2/3 of them, before they get set aside in favor of a novel or the latest non-fiction purchase.
• An invitation for Vietnamese food for dinner with my mom and brother.
• A sleep last night that was restful instead of restless.
• Pasta salad for lunch. Homemade - the only thing that would have made it better was if we had had white pasta available instead of the slightly heavier whole wheat pasta.
• The public library actually having in stock a slightly obscure book that I've heard a lot about lately.
• A couple of different sermons by Donald Miller that I downloaded from here.
• The fact that the same church has an extensive sermon series on "The Kingdom of God" which I am hoping will clarify some things that I have been thinking about lately.

There were also a couple of cartoons that made me smile when I came across them in some notebooks where I keep these kinds of things that make me smile.

The first one has two characters. The first person says to the second person, "The problem with today's world is too much freedom. We need less freedom so we Christians can put an end to all the things we don't agree with. Who asked for a free society, anyhow?" The second person replies, "The church. We wanted to worship as we please without being persecuted." The first person looks disgruntled and responds, "Oh... there's nothing like a little historical perspective to ruin a good tirade." I love this. Of course, I am a history major, with an ironic sense of humor.

The next cartoon has two characters again, a child and an adult. The child says, "The pastor told our class that if we study our Bibles, we might grow up to be a minister like him. He also told us how much he makes, how many hours he puts in, and how much he's appreciated by the congregation." The adult then asks, "So what did we learn?" and the child replies, "Never go near a Bible!" Again - the pastor's kid in me couldn't resist the humor in this kind of statement.

There have been other things, but these are the main ones that made me smile. These, and plans to relax and watch television or a movie after dinner, preferably while wrapped cozily in the best throw blanket ever - a blanket that is basically a cable-knit sweater, but not a sweater, a blanket. And then, I've got writing to do - either a piece I'm tentatively calling "Who is this Jesus?" or continued research and work on some stuff on redemption that I'm pulling together. These are the ingredients to a good evening - especially when the dinner that kicks it off is Vietnamese food.

Slightly Fevered Quiet

I have had an interesting couple of days.

I spent Monday with two friends from YWAM Calgary that I met on the trip to Mexico - my "twin" (Sara) and Miriam. (Ironically enough, while sitting in a coffee shop in Mackenzie Townes with Sara and a couple other friends, someone who knew the other three, but not me came in and asked Sara if I was her sister. We laughed pretty hard over that one! Mexico all over again. "You'd really never even met before this trip? You're sure you're not sisters?") So much fun, relaxing, doing some shopping, and sitting in a coffee shop sharing life. I am grateful for new friends in my life right now.

Yesterday was also a unique day, that I can't really say a lot about. I did something I've needed to do for a while, something that God confirmed in Mexico, but that was very scary and difficult for me. I faced a situation that is hard, and spoke my heart, and the things I felt God was speaking.

Today, I am ill. I was going to spend the evening hanging out with my mom at a movie, but wasn't feeling that well, checked my temperature at dinnertime and discovered a 101.3 degree Fahrenheit fever. Nothing brilliant, just another cold and sore throat. This is what happens when you're sick for five months. You have no immune system left and spend a lot of time catching every bug that goes around.

So I'm blaming my slightly muddled state of mind on the fever (although it probably has more to do with the emotionally, relationally, and spiritually charged nature of the last four or five days!) And here's to hoping I'll be better tomorrow - I'm writing a really great piece on redemption, and I want to work on it and put it here, as well as the very basic fact that I need to spend some time job hunting.