A Call to Go Deeper

Over the past several months I have been priviledged to hear from a number of different sources a call to take faith and community to a deeper level. Particularly noteworthy in my mind was a talk given by Pete Greig at the 24-7 Prayer Canada Launch Weekend at the beginning of April.

The call has been couched in terms of committment, in terms of willingness to surrender even greater parts of one's self to Christ. I have come away inspired, but frustrated.

I am living in a place where I feel so entrenched that I seem to be completely unable to move. Greig spoke of a vow to go deeper, done in community with what the Celts referred to as "cymbrogi" - companions of the heart. I have longed for the depth of that sort of relationship, but have not found it often or easily.

I find it incredibly difficult to build relationships that are deep and meaningful. I am an introvert by nature. I am a pastor's daughter, exposed to the hypocrisy and mean spirited nature of parts of the church at large at a very young age. I find it nearly impossible to trust others. I am more than willing to share my heart, but I share it with very little expectation that it will remain confidential.

How can one be called to go deeper, when one can barely survive in the shallows? How can the longing of my heart continue be for something so much more, when my heart is nearly collapsing under the pain of the journey? How can a life lived in fear be overcome to allow for something more to occur?

My deep desire is to live in a community where I am known and valued, where I have a god-given role to play. I want to know and value others in the same way I want to be known and valued. My desire is to find cymbrogi to share life with, but I wonder who would want to share life with someone as broken and hurting as me.

I don't say this with any sort of levity. I want so badly to find my niche - the place in which God has uniquely called me to serve and exist. And yet, I feel that I have nothing to offer to God or others. Most days I have to work to get out of bed without feeling miserable. I have more questions about God than answers, and spend more time angry and frustrated with him than filled with his joy and peace. I very rarely volunteer myself to serve, because I have become convinced that I at this moment have little to offer. I told myself that it was time to take a break from always being the one doing the "ministering" and allow myself to be ministered to. The trouble with that is that I have now been sidelined for two years. I am in worse emotional and spiritual shape than when I first allowed myself time off.

Can God use someone as useless as I feel? And how, when he is so painfully silent do I find that place that he is calling me to serve? How do I respond from this place of pain to a challenge to "go deeper"?