Disconnect, Crash, and a Jann Arden Song

I realized something about myself last night. I can so completely involve myself in the life of another person, that I can forget about my own problems. I neglect my own life in favor of the life of a friend. I'm not sure that this is a totally healthy thing.

I spent a great portion of the last month with a very close friend who was preparing to leave at the beginning of May for two months doing HIV AIDS work in South Africa and Mozambique. I hung out with her, shopped with her, listened as she talked through some big issues in her life, let her vent frustrations and fears, and just spent time with her. Especially in the two weeks before she left, we were together nearly every other day for at least a couple of hours, and o­n the days we weren't together, we were emailing or talking o­n the phone. Add to that my work schedule and family committments, and you have a very busy month. It was a good investment of my time. I'm glad to have spent the time with her.

A week ago yesterday, she left. It took me until to realize that in the time I had spent caring for her, I had neglected to care for myself. Just before these weeks of time with her, I had a rather brutal nightmare again, o­ne that I believe has some degree of significance spiritually. In the frenzy of caring for my friend, I completely forgot that I had had the dream, until someone I had given a copy of it to reminded me of it. I've neglected personal devotions as well. This cannot be blamed fully o­n my involvement with her life, as it has been a struggle for months now.

So, last night I listened to someone share a story of deep depression, and God's intervention in their life, and my o­nly response was anger. I'm not sure exactly what I am angry at - God, for not intervening in my life, myself, for being continually susceptible to this depression, those around me for not understanding what I'm experiencing.

When I am vigilant, I am able to keep the depression to a dull roar. When I stop being vigilant my emotions spiral out of control.

Today I crashed. I feel a sense of disconnect with the world, a disconnect with myself. I cried at the simplest things, and longed to sob my eyes out, but couldn't quite find the emotional release necessary. I never thought that I would miss crying, but it has been at least a year since my last truly cathartic attack of tears, and I long for the release that they would bring. I fought a headache and an upset stomach - all signs of my own emotional crash. I know that the life I am living cannot be all that God has for me, and yet, I find myself still waiting for God to intervene, and wondering when he will show up in my life. "I love the Lord, for he heard my voice." (Psalm 116:1) I have clung to the simple consolation over the last months that God does indeed hear. I'm so grateful that God hears, but wish he would do more than hear - that he would intervene o­n my behalf.

Emotions are a volatile thing. For much of my life I believed that emotions were not to be trusted - that all emotions were liars. Then, as I began to explore a more emotional side of faith, it seemed that I was being told that my ability to reason was not to be trusted, that it was liar that kept me from experiencing God. So, here I am. Which o­ne is lying - my emotion or my reason? How do I navigate this balance?

So, the day is ending, and so is my time of crashing. I will take it easy again tomorrow, before I work again o­n Friday. This is how it works. I cycle downwards for a while, and then I have a day like today where I simply shut down, unable to believe that there is still good in the world. Tomorrow, I will pick up the pieces of my life, start looking for work again, and have coffee with a friend.

I've been listening to Jann Arden lately - mood music, I know! Anyway, o­n her "Greatest Hurts" album, she recorded a Leonard Cohen song with the following lyric that is my prayer tonight, from a place of pain and longing:
If it be your will
If there is a choice
Let the rivers fill
Let the hills rejoice
Let your mercy spill
On all these burning hearts in hell
If it be your will
To make us well
And draw us near
And bind us tight
All your children here
In their rags of light
In our rags of light
All dressed to kill
And end this night
If it be your will.