I was witness to a conversation on the train this morning that made me very sad.
Sitting in the seat behind me was a little boy and his uncle - a young man about my age or a bit older. As we rounded the corner to come out of downtown, we had a clear view of the drop-in center, a major homeless shelter in downtown Calgary. There was the usual crowd of people, milling around, sleeping along the fence. And this morning there was a larger than usual police presence.
As we rounded the corner and the little boy noticed the police cars, his uncle took it as a teaching moment. "Look at all the police cars. There's a lot of them. They have to get rid of all those bad guys."
The words didn't hit home until a few minutes later. The bad guys - these people who, for whatever reason, don't have a proper place to sleep at night, or a place to spend their days. And I was sad that we are teaching children from such an early age that these people are inherently bad because of their life circumstances.
I felt guilt, too. Because, to be honest, I wouldn't want to walk by myself in that neighborhood. It has a reputation for being very unsafe. I've wondered at times why the police don't clean the area up. Why these people can't just go get jobs in Calgary's booming job market.
This is an ongoing struggle for me. Both a calling to love those in the gutters, and a fear of that same thing.
And so, this morning, I'm a little sad, and a little convicted both.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Monday, August 27, 2007
Re-reading
I've been reading through some of my blog archives this morning. I'm putting links in this post to some of my favorites - things that are still so close to my heart, and things that seem to express the things I was thinking and praying about with poignancy and clarity that grabs at me all over again when I re-read them.
The first one is titled "In that moment" and it is still my favorite all-time blog post. I've been thinking about that moment a lot again lately. It still comes back to me with deep clarity. There was something profound and disturbing in that time. Something that was both deeply encouraging and entirely frustrating. So much has happened in my life since then. So much healing, so much knowledge gained, and yet, as I look back, I wonder if there is any way to handle that moment other than what I did. I hope and pray that the presence of Christ drew near to her that day as I spoke words of desperation over both of our lives.
The Silence of a Muddled Mind - in mid-wrestle, a pause for Hallelujah.
Preaching for My Ears to Hear - a breakthrough moment that I still hold dear.
Poets Don't Go Mad... a favorite passage from G.K. Chesterton
The Kingdom ISN'T breaking through - One of the most important pieces I ever wrote, and a message I still speak out regularly. God in the tiny things, not just the huge moments. God in the dirt and the broken and the gutters.
From the Ashes - this one came after a beautiful night full of art and music, during which my friend Kirk Bartha preached a sermon that I heard with my heart instead of my ears. Such a moment of relief in the midst of a crazy season of life - that flash of knowing granted by the Spirit to give strength to walk just a bit further.
Keep the Weight On - a brilliant excerpt from an article on redemption and the cross by Dan Haseltine that was published in Relevant Magazine. Worth reading. This contains one of my favorite quotes of all time. "We must confront our humanity and know ourselves as both the walking wounded and the perpetually healed."
The first one is titled "In that moment" and it is still my favorite all-time blog post. I've been thinking about that moment a lot again lately. It still comes back to me with deep clarity. There was something profound and disturbing in that time. Something that was both deeply encouraging and entirely frustrating. So much has happened in my life since then. So much healing, so much knowledge gained, and yet, as I look back, I wonder if there is any way to handle that moment other than what I did. I hope and pray that the presence of Christ drew near to her that day as I spoke words of desperation over both of our lives.
The Silence of a Muddled Mind - in mid-wrestle, a pause for Hallelujah.
Preaching for My Ears to Hear - a breakthrough moment that I still hold dear.
Poets Don't Go Mad... a favorite passage from G.K. Chesterton
The Kingdom ISN'T breaking through - One of the most important pieces I ever wrote, and a message I still speak out regularly. God in the tiny things, not just the huge moments. God in the dirt and the broken and the gutters.
From the Ashes - this one came after a beautiful night full of art and music, during which my friend Kirk Bartha preached a sermon that I heard with my heart instead of my ears. Such a moment of relief in the midst of a crazy season of life - that flash of knowing granted by the Spirit to give strength to walk just a bit further.
Keep the Weight On - a brilliant excerpt from an article on redemption and the cross by Dan Haseltine that was published in Relevant Magazine. Worth reading. This contains one of my favorite quotes of all time. "We must confront our humanity and know ourselves as both the walking wounded and the perpetually healed."
Monday Morning thoughts
I've had a cup of tea, and half a litre of water this morning. A cookie (of the pre-packaged variety) and a muffin that my grandma baked for me.
In the last day, I've had blog hits from all kinds of interesting locations - all over Canada, Sweden, Russia, the UK, a whole bunch from all over the US, Spain, and even one from Saudi Arabia. Leave me a comment the next time you stop by!
It's cold and wet outside, and I'm struggling to breathe again today. Feels like something is sitting in the center of my ribcage. It actually hurts quite a bit. There were moments as I was walking to the train this morning that I actually thought I was going to throw up in the effort to pull in a couple of deep breaths.
The quiet evening I was planning for last night didn't quite pan out. No tea. No reading or journalling on the couch. I watched a bit of tv on dvd - this time on my new television and dvd player. I ended up doing a bunch of stuff with my roommate. We moved a bunch of furniture around (hopefully for the last time) to accomodate the new tv. We did some errands - I bought a tv stand at walmart for $30, and then spent quite a while assembling it to a workable form. Some situps and stretching exercises, a quick shower, and my night drew to a close.
I've been sleeping restlessly again for the last week. This is what happens when things go haywire around me in the spiritual realm... There have been things going on since the trip I made last weekend - good things, but very difficult, and they're affecting my sleep.
I'm mulling over the line of what is and is not a sick day in my head these days. I get 10 paid sick days a year, and I've used 2 and a half. I'm feeling mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually drained at the moment. Feeling like I need time to regroup. A day off - no thinking unless I feel it, no wrestling or wondering, just sleep, and something brainless for activity - television, a movie.
However, this week has somehow filled up. Something every evening except one. I actually wrote "night at home" on my calendar for that evening. Seems I'm now scheduling time to rest. I'll probably take the bus home two or three times this week, instead of the train, because that, at least, gives me an hour and a half of uninterrupted time to simply be. I'm on my own, and don't have to talk with anyone. I can simply listen to music, read, pray, study, think, rest - whatever catches my fancy at that moment. I've learned to grab opportunities to build that time into my schedule whenever possible. If it's nice out on Wednesday night - the night I've scheduled to do nothing - I'll probably head for a park with my ipod and journal, and walk and pray and journal for a while - we'll see.
In the last day, I've had blog hits from all kinds of interesting locations - all over Canada, Sweden, Russia, the UK, a whole bunch from all over the US, Spain, and even one from Saudi Arabia. Leave me a comment the next time you stop by!
It's cold and wet outside, and I'm struggling to breathe again today. Feels like something is sitting in the center of my ribcage. It actually hurts quite a bit. There were moments as I was walking to the train this morning that I actually thought I was going to throw up in the effort to pull in a couple of deep breaths.
The quiet evening I was planning for last night didn't quite pan out. No tea. No reading or journalling on the couch. I watched a bit of tv on dvd - this time on my new television and dvd player. I ended up doing a bunch of stuff with my roommate. We moved a bunch of furniture around (hopefully for the last time) to accomodate the new tv. We did some errands - I bought a tv stand at walmart for $30, and then spent quite a while assembling it to a workable form. Some situps and stretching exercises, a quick shower, and my night drew to a close.
I've been sleeping restlessly again for the last week. This is what happens when things go haywire around me in the spiritual realm... There have been things going on since the trip I made last weekend - good things, but very difficult, and they're affecting my sleep.
I'm mulling over the line of what is and is not a sick day in my head these days. I get 10 paid sick days a year, and I've used 2 and a half. I'm feeling mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually drained at the moment. Feeling like I need time to regroup. A day off - no thinking unless I feel it, no wrestling or wondering, just sleep, and something brainless for activity - television, a movie.
However, this week has somehow filled up. Something every evening except one. I actually wrote "night at home" on my calendar for that evening. Seems I'm now scheduling time to rest. I'll probably take the bus home two or three times this week, instead of the train, because that, at least, gives me an hour and a half of uninterrupted time to simply be. I'm on my own, and don't have to talk with anyone. I can simply listen to music, read, pray, study, think, rest - whatever catches my fancy at that moment. I've learned to grab opportunities to build that time into my schedule whenever possible. If it's nice out on Wednesday night - the night I've scheduled to do nothing - I'll probably head for a park with my ipod and journal, and walk and pray and journal for a while - we'll see.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
A Grown-up sort of day...
This has thus far been a bitter-sweet sort of day.
One of those days that underscores the "oh crap I'm an adult" feeling that comes upon me from time to time.
There have been some special moments. Feeling comfortable enough in my own person to refuse a request at church this morning that I do something I didn't want to do today, and knew that I wasn't the right person to do. Hanging with my parents over lunch. Receiving a compliment from my dad. Going shopping with my mom and buying my first television and dvd player for my new house - that one made me feel very adult like!
There have been some slightly more painful moments. Knowing that I can't accept an offer of a place to live that I desperately want to accept because it doesn't fit well with the way I've structured my finances - it would cost too much, and I'd have to buy a car. I was praying earlier this week about the traveling I feel God has placed on my heart to do in the very near future, and as I was asking Him yet again how I was going to be able to afford it, feeling him increase a growing conviction on my heart that perhaps I didn't really need a car right now, and that, if I chose to forgo buying the car, I could use the significant chunk of savings I've put away for the car to do the traveling instead. Hurting, though to turn down the offer that was made to me. Trying to figure out how to be involved in an upcoming opportunity two nights a week without a car. Knowing though, that the traveling is from God and that it needs to be a priority. Grieving with a friend over some painful news she shared with me at a party last night.
A bit bittersweet today. And that's okay... the joys and sorrows co-mingled. "For the joy set before him, he endured the cross..." is the passage that comes to mind.
And with that, I'm off to make tea, light candles, and curl up to either read or watch a movie or both. I need to create some breathing space once again. There are some things I'm walking through right now which will probably never surface on this blog for public consumption, but which are drawing a great deal of energy and attention and care.
It's chilly in my basement home today, so I'm going to make tea and light candles, and breathe.
One of those days that underscores the "oh crap I'm an adult" feeling that comes upon me from time to time.
There have been some special moments. Feeling comfortable enough in my own person to refuse a request at church this morning that I do something I didn't want to do today, and knew that I wasn't the right person to do. Hanging with my parents over lunch. Receiving a compliment from my dad. Going shopping with my mom and buying my first television and dvd player for my new house - that one made me feel very adult like!
There have been some slightly more painful moments. Knowing that I can't accept an offer of a place to live that I desperately want to accept because it doesn't fit well with the way I've structured my finances - it would cost too much, and I'd have to buy a car. I was praying earlier this week about the traveling I feel God has placed on my heart to do in the very near future, and as I was asking Him yet again how I was going to be able to afford it, feeling him increase a growing conviction on my heart that perhaps I didn't really need a car right now, and that, if I chose to forgo buying the car, I could use the significant chunk of savings I've put away for the car to do the traveling instead. Hurting, though to turn down the offer that was made to me. Trying to figure out how to be involved in an upcoming opportunity two nights a week without a car. Knowing though, that the traveling is from God and that it needs to be a priority. Grieving with a friend over some painful news she shared with me at a party last night.
A bit bittersweet today. And that's okay... the joys and sorrows co-mingled. "For the joy set before him, he endured the cross..." is the passage that comes to mind.
And with that, I'm off to make tea, light candles, and curl up to either read or watch a movie or both. I need to create some breathing space once again. There are some things I'm walking through right now which will probably never surface on this blog for public consumption, but which are drawing a great deal of energy and attention and care.
It's chilly in my basement home today, so I'm going to make tea and light candles, and breathe.
Still working to breathe
It hit me as I was traveling home from work on Friday, how very true in so many ways this week my statements about "remembering to breathe" have been.
There has been a catch in my physical breath all week. A heavyness and pain in the center of my chest that has made it difficult to pull in a full and deep and healing breath. Plus, my allergies have ramped up all week, draining from my sinuses and making it hard to catch a breath - making me cough and choke as I try to breathe in.
I'm feeling it this morning, the need to breathe deeply both physically and emotionally. I'm feeling the pain in my chest, and the heavyness of heart.
I'm off to church this morning, and finding myself wishing that I could have the people, without all of the fixings - without the religion. I'm so tired of the religion.
Ok... well, I need to go get ready for the day. After church I'm hanging with my mom - we're going shopping for a television. I'm looking forward to spending time with her after the week we've both had.
Lisa is remembering to breathe. That's what I'm going to keep reminding myself of today.
There has been a catch in my physical breath all week. A heavyness and pain in the center of my chest that has made it difficult to pull in a full and deep and healing breath. Plus, my allergies have ramped up all week, draining from my sinuses and making it hard to catch a breath - making me cough and choke as I try to breathe in.
I'm feeling it this morning, the need to breathe deeply both physically and emotionally. I'm feeling the pain in my chest, and the heavyness of heart.
I'm off to church this morning, and finding myself wishing that I could have the people, without all of the fixings - without the religion. I'm so tired of the religion.
Ok... well, I need to go get ready for the day. After church I'm hanging with my mom - we're going shopping for a television. I'm looking forward to spending time with her after the week we've both had.
Lisa is remembering to breathe. That's what I'm going to keep reminding myself of today.
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