Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 76

Today's Daily 5:

1. That it wasn't cold when the bus was late this morning
2. Not feeling too bad after a particularly rough night of sleep
3. No line at Tim Horton's this morning, when I felt like stopping for breakfast
4. pomegranate green tea
5. arranging the week's flowers at work
6. the smell of eucalyptus leaves
7. chicken caesar salad
8. chocolate
9. time to write and reflect
10. finding a comfy black down jacket to see me through winter

Reformation Day

The church history geek in me much prefers to acknowledge reformation day than halloween on the 31st of October.  That said, this year, on the day when so many people are acknowledging one of these two "festivals", it occurs to me that neither is particularly in the spirit of where my heart is at.  On this day before one of the most significant anniversaries of my faith journey, I am pondering these two festivals, and reflecting on the places in my heart that thoughts of them are touching.

I don't like halloween.  There's something about a holiday that demands the use of costumes and masks to disguise oneself, and seems to embrace the imitation of evil that just doesn't do it for me.  This year I'm thinking particularly about the use of masks and costuming.  After spending the vast majority of workday on Friday listening and observing as two coworkers planned, shopped for, and then tried on their costumes for a Saturday night party, I am struck by the need to hide one's identity.  What sort of day requires the putting on of masks?  The hiding of who one is, and assuming an alternate identity.  There is something about this that seems beyond the child's play and fun the world seems to preach.  For me, it's simply this - when I have fought so long to find an place of joy and comfort within my own skin, why would I choose to embrace another identity, and particularly one that is evil?

And then there's Reformation Day.  Martin Luther nailed 95 Theses to a church door in Wittenburg, and the world changed.  In the past I've written posts about Reformation day, seeing it not so much as a reminder of the splintering of church factions, but as a reminder of the need to be constantly re-formed.  To be constantly open to being made new.  I still think about that.  I've thought about it a lot in this year where my One Little Word is "heal".

But this year I'm thinking too about the splintering.  I've seen much splintering of friendships that I'd thought were permanent over the past years, and it's nothing in comparison to the splintering set off by Luther's act.  And while I'm a member of a protestant church, in faith somewhat a daughter of Luther's act, this splintering grieves my heart deeply.

I am one who has spent a chunk of this year realizing that my heart loves deeply, and once it loves, is intensely loyal.  If you have found space within my heart, I will welcome you openly.  And yet, I've learned that at times that loyalty breaks me.  And so, today, I find myself thinking of the shattered body of Christ called the church, and grieving just a little that we would celebrate this day.  Mark it?  Yes, I think it's one that needs to be remembered, but celebrated?  No.  I am reminded again of a passage I've prayed often over the last years, as I've experienced some of those shattered relationships.  The words of Jesus, praying shortly before the crucifixion, "I pray that they will all be one, just as you and I are one - as you are in me, Father, and I am in you.  And may they be in us so that the world will believe you sent me...May they experience such perfect unity that the world will know that you sent me and that you love them as much as you love me."

So, October 31st.  I'm thinking about another Monday, October 31st, six years ago.  About how the events of that night led into the following day, and ultimately changed my life.  I'm thinking about the journey of the last six years, and coming from a place of not wanting to wear a mask, but not being comfortable without one to a place of celebrating the work of reforming that Jesus has done within me to make me more wholly present with Him, in my own unique role created for me by Him.  And I'm thinking about celebrating the process of being healed, of being made new, acknowledging that there are times that this process causes pain and splintering, and that my heart remains heavy to pray for unity - for the healed wholeness of my own spirit, and for the healed wholeness of Christ's body here on earth.

Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 75

Today's Daily 5:

1. watching Frasier on DVD
2. green grapes
3. knitting
4. lit candles
5. an ice cream drumstick
6. freshly washed sheets
7. golden oreos
8. being surrounded by books
9. hope
10. soft blankets

Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 74

Today's Daily 5:

1. A morning without alarm clock ringing waking me up
2. early morning errands with dad
3. an afternoon nap
4. knitting while chatting on skype for a couple hours with L. in England
5. stuffed crust Hawaiian pizza
6. reading a book in a hot bath
7. tackling a nagging task
8. making excellent progress on the things I needed to accomplish this weekend
9. that a crazy error with my laptop wasn't serious
10. finishing another one of the Mitford novels

Weekend To Do's

Amidst a rather strong need for rest, these are the things I'm going to try to tackle this weekend:

• muffin baking (supplies my breakfasts at work)
• skype with L.  (a couple of hours of catching up with one of my favorite people on the planet)
• winter coat shopping (because I live in a Northern climate, and I've been surviving without a proper winter jacket for years, and I'm tired of it.  this is the year for a jacket to enter my wardrobe)
• catch up on the Look at Jesus course I'm participating in (because I'm excited to be a part of it, but life has happened, and I haven't had a chance to participate the way I'd like)
• Knit (because something creative needs to happen)
• Fill out student loan documents to re-enter repayment (because the government will have their money, one way or another)
• catch up on emails (because there are several people that I owe replies to)
• play on pinterest (because it's restful, and resting is one of the goals for this weekend)
• groceries (because, well, I need to eat for the next week)
• write (because, well, it's kind of like breathing)

Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 73

Today's Daily 5:

1. An apple and cheese danish
2. hemp lip balm from The Body Shop
3. news from friends about the sex of the little one they will welcome early next year
4. savoring the memory of a sundae with friends last night
5. texting back and forth with a friend while I rode the bus home from work

Seriously? Seriously? (How I Know When God is Speaking)

We went around the circle, sharing ways we hear God speak, and how we know that it's God.

"It feels intoxicating."

"There is an echo within me - His spirit agreeing with my spirit."

"It matches up with scripture."

All of these pleasant ways of knowing.

I squirmed, just a little, wondering if I should add my voice to this conversation, knowing that what I would say wouldn't sound quite so pleasant.

Mentally sighing and shrugging just a little at the prideful realization that I cared what these people thought, and that I didn't particularly want to be the voice of dissent, and have that color their opinion of me, I began to speak.

"I know it's God when my response is 'Seriously?!?'  I've heard and experienced God in most all of the ways we've talked about, but the most common way that God speaks, and that I know it is really Him is when it is not something I could have ever come up with on my own.  Quite often it's the last thing I want to do.  It almost always drags me far beyond my comfort zone.  And most of the time it doesn't make any sense.  It's the thing that I will fight, and it won't go away.  The thing that causes me to fall immediately back on my favorite Grey's Anatomy explanation and cry 'Seriously! Seriously?'"

The circle was quiet for a moment, until the friend sitting to my left adamantly agreed and shared a bit of her own experience.  The group talked a little bit more about this - that often the things God calls us to are the ones that make very little sense.

I don't know if it colored their opinions of me, but that moment of sharing has stuck with me.  I've thought about it nearly daily in the week since the retreat where it happened.

It makes me smile, this God who mostly speaks to me in a way that arouses my sarcasm, in a way that leaves me wanting to fight, and cower in my safe place, rather than risk trusting.  It makes me smile that He knows that even despite this tendency to fight, I am generally willing to obey, and that He is continually determined to broaden my comfort zone, and my ability to love and trust deeply.

Today I'm asking you - how does God speak to you, and how do you know it's him?

Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 72

Today's Daily 5:

1. warm cozy feet
2. early morning laughter
3. filling my commute with words (a novel I'm reading for on the bus, and a fascinating audio book for while I'm walking)
4. Eau Claire Market
5. a pretty new purse, handmade from recycled raw silk by Tibetan refugees living in Nepal
6. the convenience of texting - when plans for tonight changed quickly, I could have conversations with three friends relatively simultaneously to communicate and re-schedule
7. laughing and wrestling with and tickling my favorite little boy
8. sharing dinner and ice cream with friends
9. Big Bang Theory
10. iphone games

Amazing to Others

Jon Acuff linked to this video yesterday, and I had to share it here as well.

Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 71

Today's Daily 5:

1. waking slightly more rested
2. my first big mug of tea in a while
3. bright colored clothing
4. knitting
5. escaping into the world of Mitford

Whimsical Wednesday, October 26, 2011

As always on these eclectic Whimsical Wednesdays, I'm interested to hear which image(s) caught your attention and why!

Source: bravegirlsclub.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Source: someecards.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Source: sacredbe.blogspot.com via Lisa on Pinterest

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Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 70

Today's Daily 5:

1. cozy boots
2. an empty office at lunch with quiet for peaceful reading
3. dinner and laughter with a good friend
4. an internal smile as I picture the thoughts that must go through the heads of anyone who decides to eavesdrop on conversations between that particular friend and I (tonight our conversation spanned the gamut from faith, church, mental health or lack thereof, work, various crises, right and left brains, and all of it done with sarcasm and irony blatantly mixed in!)
5. chocolate at the end of a long day

Until You and I Are One

It was last Saturday evening, and I found myself sitting on the floor against a wall in the library of a small Catholic retreat centre.  I'd gathered with other house church leaders for a retreat to plan, pray and dream for the coming year.

I'll be honest and say that I would have rather spent my weekend in other places, but I knew somehow that it was important that I attend, if only because I do provide leadership to one of the house churches and I felt it important for me to meet with the other leaders and get to know them a bit. So, we'd spent some time talking about hearing God speak, and now, now we were spread out across a few different rooms, listening.

I've spent years cultivating a nearly constant dialogue with Jesus, one that only seems to lag when it is suddenly forced to the center of my consciousness.  Saturday was that sort of occasion.  I sat there chafing and wrestling, fighting the distractions in the room - books, unfamiliar spaces, other people moving, breathing, kneeling, listening.  The only thing playing through my thoughts, through my listening, were some song lyrics.  Lines from Misty Edwards:

Come be the fire inside of me
Come be the flame upon my heart
Come be the fire inside of me
Until You and I are one

I was growing irritated with this incessant repetition when I felt the urging to kneel, face to the ground in a posture that has long significance in my conversations with Jesus.  I fought the urge for a bit, arguing with myself, assuming the urge was simply me trying to manufacture something (did I mention that my dialogue with Jesus flows easily until it is forced front and center, at which point it becomes stilted and I second guess it?).  Finally I knelt, and began to understand.

As I've lived in limbo for this last lengthy period of time, I've invited Jesus often into the quiet spaces as a bearer of peace.  I've spoken to him as one I trust to fix and resolve the many challenges of life I've faced.  But it's been quite some time since I've entered into the quiet spaces and felt the urge to simply beg for that love, that Jesus that I love to consume me, to set my heart afire.

Once I was on my knees, I understood.  This particular posture, one of surrender, is central to some deep promises Jesus has spoken over my life.  By entering again into that posture, by welcoming the repetitious song lyrics instead of fighting them, I was able to hear Jesus amidst the noise I'd created in obsessively worrying that this would be the time he wouldn't speak.

And so I invited him to again be the fire inside of me.  To consume my heart with love and passion for Him alone.  To consume the distractions.  And then finally, finally I was able to pray.  To admit again the struggles with life lived in limbo.  To surrender each of those things again to Him.  And to know a different peace than the one that He has constantly met me with.  It was needed, and I will remind myself of that consuming love as I continue to face the struggle with life in limbo over these coming weeks.

Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 69

Today's Daily 5:

1. Cookies for breakfast
2. laughter from a note from my former roommate
3. a beautiful glimpse of the moon still out this morning
4. re-reading the Mitford novels
5. curled up at home, in my own bed.

Daydreaming...

In seasons of limbo, when discontent strikes hard and deep, I daydream.  I think about the things I miss about a more stable living situation - showering in the same house where I sleep most nights, normal meal planning and cooking, not feeling confined to one small part of the space.  I dream about plants that fill a space - jasmine plants in every room, filling the air with their lovely scent.  Palms, Boston ferns, peace lilies, spider plants and rubber plants for their beauty and air purifying properties.  A cozy chair with cushions, an ottoman and soft blankets in which to wrap oneself while curling up to read.  I dream about coming home easily, not catching my breath and breathing a prayer for patience and grace before I open the door (or at least not doing that every. single. day.) I dream about a space with windows and sunlight, instead of a basement cave.  I dream about not having to plan and schedule things like laundry, showers, and other random tasks.

And then, in an effort to combat the discontent, I remind myself to count some blessings.

Today, as I head back to grandma's after a week of house-sitting, I'm reminding myself that I have the following to look forward to:

• access to my entire closet, instead of a suitcase for making daily wardrobe choices
• access to my entire stash of snacks, to supplement work lunches, not just what I packed to get me through the week
• being surrounded by my book collection
• curling up in my own bed.
• getting back to a regular nighttime routine, including a liturgical prayer book that I'm very much enjoying
• finding rhythm again
• access to my stash of creative supplies, tackling a couple of projects, and being free to be inspired for more
• lighting candles all around the room for warmth, atmosphere, and happy smells

Pondering

I feel very unsettled these days, and I honestly couldn't tell you if that's a good thing or not.

The retreat over the weekend left more questions than answers in my heart as we ponder moving forward.  The part of me that hates change is cringing and wanting to cry at the prospects of the need for shifts to happen in my beloved little house church.  The part of me that loves God's heart, and being a part of the places where he's working?  Well, that part of me is excited.

And those two parts of me are pretty much warring over large areas of internal heart real estate these days.

I'm finding this life lived in limbo, waiting and praying to see what steps come next, to be a life that chafes.

And so, tonight, after work, I'm heading to mom and dad's to pick up my things from house-sitting last week and grab some dinner, and then I'm heading home.  Last week was good, but crazy full. And tonight I need just a bit of quiet and rest.  And I'm going to avail myself of that as much as I can this week.  Avail myself of it, and try to sit patiently, and gracefully and with trust in the midst of the chafing and the unsettledness.

Daily 5 - Year 3, Days 67 & 68

Yesterday's Daily 5:

1. sleeping in
2. leftover pizza
3. hugs from friends
4. time to pray and meet with Jesus
5. late night conversation and a knitting lesson

Today's Daily 5:

1. another helpful retreat session
2. a local store having a book by an Irish philosopher/theologian that I'm looking forward to reading actually in stock
3. spending the afternoon with my brother, baking, shopping for books, talking, and cooking dinner
4. watching The Amazing Race
5. settling into bed with freshly washed sheets after showering, using a freshly washed towel, and dressing in clean pajamas

Resting and Heading Out

I thoroughly enjoyed spending last night in bed, resting.  I caught up on some of my favorite television online, ate pizza and chocolate in bed, took a bubble bath and wrote a few emails.  It was perfect.

I'm doing more of the same today, with some cleaning thrown in, until later this afternoon.

I'm heading out to spend about 24 hours at local Catholic retreat centre, meeting with leaders of the house church community that I'm a part of.  We will spend time enjoying each others company, dreaming, praying and eating together, as we look towards what the coming year will hold.  I'm excited that a few of the people with whom I share leadership of our house church are also attending.

What that means is that this space will be quiet.

I'll be back tomorrow night with the Daily 5 lists for today and tomorrow.

In the meantime, would you pray for our retreat - that it would be a time of refreshing and relationship building as we plan and pray for the year ahead.

Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 66

Today's Daily 5:

1. coke bottle candy
2. the fact that it's Friday
3. the smell of eucalyptus oil
4. macdonalds for lunch
5. enjoying a much anticipated evening of rest.

Friday Plans and Ponderings

Crawling out of bed this morning was PAINFUL.  It has not been a great week for sleep, and I'm exhausted.

My big plans for this evening include putting on my pajamas as soon as I get home, grabbing some leftover pizza, and crawling back into bed to watch last night's episode of Grey's Anatomy and perhaps a few other shows.

I'm pondering some of the situations I find bizarre - things like people who spend money to put their pets in "daycare", and people who won't participate in things that save money.  The deals I find are like a badge of honor for me!  In fact, I'm basically done my Christmas shopping, and I did it all at essentially half-price.  I guess I'm pondering materialism in general lately.

I'm thinking about an answer to prayer.  And about all the prayers left unspoken or as yet unanswered.

But mostly I'm thinking about how lovely it will be to crawl into bed tonight, eat pizza, and watch Greys.

Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 65

Today's Daily 5:

1. leftover stuffed crust pizza
2. reading on the bus
3. an audio book I'm really enjoying
4. an appointment that was helpful
5. studying and discussing a couple chapters of Mark, and then praying together with friends at house church

Jeremiah 29:4-7

This is a passage that has been heavily on my heart this week, as I consider my living and work situations among other things. I find myself praying that I will allow my heart to be continually soft to the things God is speaking (and/or repeating from the past) as I listen and seek to walk with Him.

Jeremiah 29:4-7

This is what the LORD of Heaven’s Armies, the God of Israel, says to all the captives he has exiled to Babylon from Jerusalem: “Build homes, and plan to stay. Plant gardens, and eat the food they produce. Marry and have children. Then find spouses for them so that you may have many grandchildren. Multiply! Do not dwindle away! And work for the peace and prosperity of the city where I sent you into exile. Pray to the LORD for it, for its welfare will determine your welfare.”

I'd love to hear what this passage stirs for each of you.

Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 64

Today's Daily 5:

1. Pizza for supper
2. a long hot shower
3. catching up on a few things that have needed doing all week
4. a kit-kat bar
5. finding words to express my heart
6. a phone call with some awaited happy news

Whimsical Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Another eclectic week of Whimsical Wednesday inspirations.  As always, I'm curious to know which image jumped out at you, and why?

Source: beaconhillstudios.us via Lisa on Pinterest

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Source: bravegirlsclub.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 63

Today's Daily 5:

1. iMessage
2. Texting with several different friends on topics ranging from the mundane to the deep heart stuff
3. sleeping in a few extra minutes (15 minutes is huge!) because I'm housesitting this week and the commute is a bit shorter
4. a pondering heart
5. supper at my favorite Vietnamese kiosk on the university campus
6. coffee and catching up with a very long time friend
7. seeing the blessings and miracles in a friend's life
8. a bit of bus reading on the way home
9. curling up into bed after two very long days
10. the beauty of a quiet house

Reasons to Fear Canada

This image made me chuckle when I came across it the other day:

found here.

Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 62

Today's Daily 5:

1. wearing jeans at work
2. purple orchids (some of the flowers I was arranging this morning)
3. the hug and attentive listening of a friend
4. hearing Jesus' truth and healing as a new friend shared her journey with a room full of strangers
5. being with people who felt a bit like my "tribe"
6. the quiet grace of spilled tears
7. spicy chai, and ethiopian stew
8. a late night bus ride home with time to pray and ponder
9. books I'm still enjoying
10. crawling into bed at the end of a very long day

Sometimes I Forget...

Sometimes I forget that Jesus loves and knows me.

That when I simply can't, He still knows.

I was reminded of that the other night, as I hung up my phone.

Despite being a (mostly raging) introvert, I have struggled often with loneliness, and lately have been attempting self-care in the form of making sure that I have quality time with people to feed that part of my heart.

The last week or so, though, I simply haven't had the energy to initiate, and to make sure that outings like this were on my calendar.

And yet, as I hung up my phone, I was reminded that Jesus knows my needs, often before I would even recognize them.

In the next week, I expected to have very little social interaction, simply because I had no energy to arrange for them.  I knew I needed it, but I just couldn't make it happen.

Instead, though, I've got several engagements on my calendar.

I unexpectedly shopped with a friend on the weekend.  Tonight I'm attending a local gathering of people passionate about missions.  I'm going with friends, to hear a mutual acquaintance speak about her time as a midwife overseas.  Tomorrow I'm having dinner with a long time friend.  And later this week I have house church.

And so, as I hung up the phone on an unexpected call the other night, asking if I wanted to have dinner, I was reminded that Jesus knows and sees and loves me, and that sometimes, when I just can't quite find the energy or strength to reach out, He takes care of that as well.  And there was joy and peace in that simple reminder.

Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 61

Today's Daily 5:

1. Quite Sunday morning
2. an afternoon of errands on my own
3. curled up reading, watching tv, resting
4. home-made nachos
5. 2 years and 61 days of making these lists

What I Love Best About Sunday Mornings

On Sunday mornings, because I camp out at Mom and Dad on weekends, I get the only chance in my whole week to be completely alone in a given space.

Their house empties as they go to church.

I sleep in, and then dress and head upstairs.

There is a recliner waiting for me, or maybe a kitchen.

On Sunday mornings I tend to do one of two things to enjoy my time alone.

I curl up in a comfy black recliner with my laptop and maybe a book or journal, and I catch up on blog reading, and on emails.  I maybe watch a little bit of television, or play some music.

OR

I putter in the kitchen, tackling a new recipe, or simply baking something that I really enjoy.  If I do this, then I pop in a dvd and laugh as it plays while I cook or bake.  (The kitchen is open concept, separated from the living room by an island, so I can watch in the living room while standing in the kitchen.)

But mostly I just love that whichever of these relaxing activities I choose, I'm alone.  No one else in the building.  The choice of noise vs. silence is mine.  The choice of activity vs. stillness is mine.  I love that.  There is something about that quiet aloneness that feeds my soul in ways that I need.  It's truly lovely.

Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 60

Today's Daily 5:

1. a view of the mountains
2. reading a novel on the train
3. a haircut (seriously - I love the whole having someone else wash my hair and massage my head thing)
4. spending the afternoon shopping with a friend
5. getting some errands done

Something Beautiful

I came across this video on several blogs this week, and knew I had to share it... It's such a lovely blessing and prayer...  May you know that you're an integral part of something beautiful this weekend!

Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 59

Today's Daily 5:

1. listening to a podcast of Rob Bell preaching on my ipod on the bus to work this morning
2. surprise deals that let me accomplish some Christmas shopping
3. grapes
4. a tasty cocktail with dinner
5. Indian food with my brother and his girlfriend
6. a long hot shower
7. curling up to watch some favorite television
8. Grey's Anatomy - seriously still loving both it and Private Practice
9. that when I caught my leg on a sharp stump from a broken off sapling last night, I walked away with only a scratch, and nothing more gory
10. settling in to house sit for a week for my folks again

Dear Extraordinary Girl...

This email from Brave Girls Club showed up in my inbox late Tuesday evening, containing a message I very much needed to hear this week.  And so, since this is my space, I'm sharing it here as well:

Dear Extraordinary Girl,

The path to the best places for us sometimes must take a trip through the muck to get to the other side of it. Sometimes that truly is the only way.

When we are in the middle of it, it feels senseless and like such a complete waste of time (let alone not very comfortable)When we are in painful places in life, or even just annoyingly uncomfortable places, it's important to remember that we are headed somewhere else if we want to be.

We do not have to stay stuck there. Sometimes it takes a while to work our way out of it, and sometimes we don't know how we got there in the first place, but mucky yucky places on the path of life are always temporary if we are willing to work our way out of them.

We are not meant to stay stuck. We are not meant to be stagnant. We are not meant to be in pain for any longer than it is necessary to teach us. We are meant to shine, to fly and to have joy. Even when we are in a place where it's nearly impossible to do this, there is always a way out of that mucky place. It is always temporary.

Please believe this, beautiful friend.

If you are in a mucky spot, just keep going, keep going 'til you get to the other side of it. It will be SO worth it.

Don't you dare give up now.

You are so loved.

xoxo

A message from your friends at the Brave Girls Club - www.bravegirlsclub.com

Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 58

Today's Daily 5:

1. Red shoes and a cozy scarf
2. lots of time to read blogs
3. lots and lots of laughter with friends from house church
4. a couple emails that made me smile
5. conversations around a table over Chinese take-out

Facing Forward

It's nearly mid-October, now, and I find myself staring at the onset of the weeks that seem to be the hardest every year, and wondering what they will hold this year.

They are the hardest weeks for many reasons, these weeks that lead up the anniversary of healing and freedom that I celebrate on November 1st.  This year will mark six years since that day, and even now, these weeks are hard.

Six years ago, they were weeks full of darkness, hopelessness, anger and despair.  They were weeks marked by the numbness of one who has been so assaulted that the blows no longer register.  In the years since, though the weeks remain hard, they are nothing in comparison to the weeks before that moment of healing in which I encountered God.

But that moment of healing is not what this post is about.  I'll talk about it, as I always do, in the days and weeks to come, but not today.  Today I'm facing forward, feeling the challenge presented by the coming weeks, and wondering what they will hold this year.

They are the weeks leading up to halloween.  Weeks that are challenging given my particular sensitivities to the spiritual realm.  Weeks where the heaviness that is invisible so much of the year seems suddenly visible, flaunted even.  Graveyards and witches and monsters abound as people decorate their yards.  Pumpkins leer and one house in my parent's neighborhood proudly displays bloody, severed, grasping hands reaching out of the soil of their flowerbeds.  Mall windows sprout spider webs and I shudder.  These are the weeks where I am tempted to hide indoors, to cocoon and avoid.

They are also the weeks full of memories of that darkness from years ago.  The weeks where I feel it try to encroach, and peace becomes just a bit harder to deeply rest in.

I feel it now, just the beginnings, and I wonder what these coming weeks that lead up to the anniversary I mark with joy and relief each year will hold.

And yet, as I pondered that earlier this week, my attention was caught by lyrics that played on my ipod as I walked:

high up on a rock

looking out at the horizon
watching as the storm rolls in
wondering if my heart will survive it


as the waves crash all around me
and can't remember what it feels like to be free

i know You're making me a mountain
making me a mountain
that cannot be shaken


oh You are making me a mountain
making me a mountain
that cannot be moved


You say, I've got you my baby
I've got you
it's quite the mess you're in
but it's nothing Love can't fix


so sit here upon my shoulders
and watch as it all unwinds


You are making me a mountain
making me a mountain
that cannot be shaken


i know You're making me a mountain
making me a mountain
that cannot be moved

And in those lyrics, in the reminder of the thing that Love fixed six years ago, and in the reminder that there is nothing that Love can't fix, I find the place I will choose (most likely daily, and even hourly) to rest for these weeks.  Facing forward, trusting, knowing that I am being made into a mountain that cannot be moved, even when shaken.
 

Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 57

Today's Daily 5:

1. spotting the moon behind clouds and the pretty light it made
2. stomping on crunchy leaves
3. a great novel series coming to a close
4. Tetley Infusions - great iced tea
5. Macdonalds for lunch
6. the view of the city from the windows on the top floor of a downtown skyscraper
7. a day that ended a bit early unexpectedly
8. pumpkin snickerdoodles
9. relaxing at home
10. America's Next Top Model - a fun escape at the end of the night

Whimsical Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Per usual, today's Whimsical Wednesday collection is a random and eclectic - just the way I like it!

Source: travelblog.org via Lisa on Pinterest

Source: miscfinds4u.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Source: 25.media.tumblr.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Source: littlebookshoparoundthecorner.tumblr.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Source: flickr.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Source: miscfinds4u.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Source: gypsypurplehome.tumblr.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 56

Today's Daily 5:

1. Breakfast sandwich from Tim Horton's
2. smiling at a picture of friends from another city that was in the local paper - nothing like friends dressed crazy making the national news
3. music that encouraged a heart that was flagging - "Trust" and "Less Like Scars"
4. flower arranging at work
5. iphone games

Stream of Consciousness

I've been staring at the screen for a while now, trying to figure out what on earth I would fill this space with.

So, I finally decided to just start writing...

And I still don't know what to say!

I'm thinking a lot lately:

• about the balance of what to say and what not to say - how to share my life in this space
• about how lovely it was to have a long weekend
• about how everyone raves about turkey, and I totally think it's overrated.
• about how lovely it's been to spend time reading lately
• about health
• about friendships
• about the challenges I find in navigating some family relationships
• about how lovely it has been to curl up, pop in a season of Frasier on DVD, and really laugh
• about the little things that I need to accomplish

It's been a bit loud inside my head lately.  That's not always a bad thing, but it's definitely something that I need to pay attention to.

So, that's what's on the plan for this week. Time doing creative things.  Time reading and resting.  Time spent honoring the thoughts circling, and letting them settle.  Time praying and studying.  And time with some friends.

Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 55

Today's Daily 5:

1. a restful morning
2. a thanksgiving feast
3. laughter 
4. curling up in pajamas
5. lit candles

Thanksgiving

I'll be sleeping (I hope anyway!) when this post goes live.  That is the beauty of a holiday long weekend.  No 5:30 am wake-up calls.

And for those of us in Canada, today is our Thanksgiving.  We space our big turkey dinners out a bit more up here!

And so, in the spirit of thanksgiving, let me just list a few things I'm thankful for:

• for healing that's happening
• for days that seem more settled
• for wise voices in my life
• for growing friendships
• for a house church I love
• for a job that's paying bills for the moment
• for television that's available online
• for time to read on the bus commute
• for text messages from house church friends
• for skype and hours spent chatting with people I love
• for reasons to laugh
• for a growing desire to indulge in creativity
• for new things
• for supplements and medications that make my days smoother because of health
• for happy memories
• for upcoming good things

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

What are you thankful for today?

Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 54

Today's Daily 5:

1. Some much needed extra sleep
2. a full afternoon of baking (2 new recipes - pumpkin snickerdoodles, and pumpkin cinnamon rolls with caramel frosting)
3. a late evening bookstore trip
4. a new prayer book
5. iced passion tea lemonade

Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 53

Today's Daily 5:

1. accomplishing a needed grocery trip (even on a busy Saturday at my least favorite store)
2. good quality chocolate
3. a day for resting
4. spider viewing/killing via skype (I was chatting with an overseas friend when she spotted a very large spider in her room, disappeared long enough to get a container to capture it in, reappeared, captured it for later disposal, and then displayed it to me!  I reminded her that I have had nightmares filled with spiders in the past.  She then reminded me that she felt I was safe, since a sealed container and about 8,000 kilometres separated me from this particular spider!)
5. the joy of laughing with a friend who knows me really well

Saturday at the Soul-Sucking Mega Store

Would you believe that I braved the soul-sucking mega store (my pet name for a local grocery chain) on the morning of Thanksgiving Saturday?  Crazy.  Not a well thought through plan.  I rarely shop at that store any more, but I found myself there today, picking up the groceries needed for the next couple weeks of work lunches.

It was, well, horrible.

I'm spending part of this afternoon hanging out on skype with one of my favorite people.

And I'm planning to spend most of the weekend simply resting.

It'll be good to rest.

Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 52

Today's Daily 5:

1. Turning off my 5:30 alarm and knowing I don't have to get up at that time again until Tuesday (Happy Thanksgiving!)
2. lots of time to read this week
3. a quieter day at the office (literally - I was still busy, but I was the only one there, and that was a mostly nice break)
4. trading texts and emails with friends
5. bubble bath, a big bowl of popcorn, and Grey's Anatomy

Hopeless Grief?

Late yesterday morning I posted the following on my twitter account:

"Pondering appropriate responses to grief in another when the person isn't a believer... Long story, but curious to know if you have thoughts"

The conversation didn't go very far on twitter (there's something limiting about 140 characters in a conversation of this nature!) though Christianne offered the helpful suggest of simply listening.

A day later, though, and no longer in the midst of the situation that inspired the tweet, and I'm still pondering.

Quite a number of people dear to me, and some that are acquaintances, have lost loved ones to untimely deaths in the last year or so.

It was that sort of situation I found myself in yesterday, as a coworker received news that someone they cared about had lost their battle to cancer.

There were tears and profanity (not unexpected or unusual - either the tears or the profanity - given the situation), and amidst that, I found myself wondering how to offer comfort.

Because the person who was grieving doesn't know Jesus, and to my knowledge, the person who passed away didn't either.

When faced with the death of someone who knows Jesus, death is at least not without hope.  Yes, that hope seems faint comfort, but it is there.

I am not one of those Christians who spends a lot of time thinking about heaven and hell.  "Fire insurance" as some term their reason for having faith in Christ, is pretty much at the bottom of my list of reasons for following Jesus.  I'm in love with a Savior who offers hope, healing, and joy here and now, amidst the chaos of life, and as a person I tend to be far more focused on the here and now than the eventualities of eternity.  (I tend to have a "I'll figure that one out when it actually comes" mentality about eternity, beyond the basic theological tenets of a belief that a relationship with Christ offers an eternity with him.)

I don't know how to find the hope and comfort in the death of someone who doesn't know Christ, and these last several months, as I've encountered several situations of death and grieving that fall into that category, I've been struck by the chord it has hit in my life.  By the contrast between those deaths and the deaths of those who I know I'll see again someday.

The chord continues to ring as I find myself unexpectedly grateful for the hope that a faith in Christ offers.  The hope of eternity, reunion, heaven.

I'm struggling to put words around it.  Struggling to name this shift within myself.  This wrestle.  These questions are touching deep places of wondering and faith in me, and so I'm thinking out loud in this space, even while I have more questions and uncertainties than answers and knowings.

I'm hesitating to throw out for the world to see that I have a belief in heaven and hell, knowing it's a controversial topic, and fearful of being pigeonholed when I'm not entirely certain that this is a belief and an understanding that will ever be fully defined for me.  When I'm fairly certain it is one that will change and grow with me in the days and years to come.

And so I'm inviting you into a dialogue about grief and comfort.  I'd like to know your thoughts on grieving and comfort.  Am I the only one who finds confronting grief in someone who didn't have a relationship with Christ, or confronting the death of one who didn't know Christ daunting?  As you've grieved, what has offered comfort?  It's an oddly macabre topic for the beginning of the Canadian Thanksgiving long weekend, but it's what's floating through my mind and heart - it's what I'm pondering, and I'd love to engage in a dialogue over this with all of you.

Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 51

Today's Daily 5:

1. Cozy new boots
2. wearing a coat I love
3. new jewelry ($.25 necklaces anyone???)
4. ice cream - seriously, after a pretty rough day, I can't explain how happy I was to discover a box of drumsticks that I'd forgotten in my freezer
5. finishing another novel on the bus

Finding Rhythm

I'm in my sixth week of this temp job, and last week was the first week where I began to feel like I was catching my breath, and finding a new normal.

I tend to forget that adaptation takes more time than I think it will.

This job starts earlier than anywhere I've ever worked.  I need to be in the office at 7:30 am.  That means I need to be at the bus stop at 6:30 am.  And that means that my alarm clock goes off at 5:30 am.

That's right, this avowed night person has been starting every day at 5:30 am!  That's a full two hours before the current sunrise, y'all.

It's pretty much horrible!

And it has definitely taken some adapting of schedules and rhythms.

You see, over the last year I've discovered that my much despised mornings are easier if I wake up with about an hour before I have to be out the door.  It really only takes me maybe 15-20 minutes of that hour to get out of bed and out the door.  The rest of it is spent waking VERY slowly.  Checking a few emails, or reading a few blog posts.  Anything that can be done from a prone, still curled up under the blankets, easing into the day kind of position.

Another newish rhythm has to do with sleep.  On weeknights I try to carve out the last hour before my lights need to be out as a time to wind down.  No television, no phone calls, no computer screens, or cell phone screens.  Just me and some time to write, read, pray and think.

That rhythm has been challenging since, with the early mornings, I need to have my lights out by 10pm, 10:30 at the latest.  That means I need to be done with emailing, blog reading, game playing, web surfing, and television watching by 9 pm.  Do you know how hard this early to bed thing is for me???  Let me just tell you - going to bed that early is almost worse than getting up so early!

Add in full days in an emotionally draining office environment, the need to juggle a family, church and social life, and the ongoing process of exploring my one word for the year, "heal", and it's been quite the struggle to adapt.

I feel like I'm starting to catch a second wind, finally, six weeks in.  Like I've made some strides in figuring out what does and what doesn't work.  Like I'm adapting to this crazy new schedule of sleeping and waking (or at least hating it a little bit less as I recognize that discipline in this area is paying dividends in physical and emotional health - and by extension my mental and spiritual stability).

It's a good thing, and a hard one all at once, these new rhythms.  Nothing I would have expected or chosen, but an encouragement to find footing even in this newest of spaces and challenges.  And that, my friends, is something I'm grateful for.

Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 50

Today's Daily 5:

1. A Tim Horton's with almost no line, thus the pleasure of a breakfast sandwich
2. oversleeping my alarm, but still waking up in time to make it out the door to catch my bus
3. post it notes (have I mentioned that I have a thing for stationary supplies?)
4. getting out of the office mid-afternoon to run a work errand
5. dark chocolate with raspberry - a gift brought back from a recent trip my brother and his girlfriend made to Las Vegas

Whimsical Wednesday, October 5, 2011

It's the usual eclectic collection on Whimsical Wednesday again this week.  As always, I'd love to hear which is your favorite image, or if you'd leave me a comment with a link to an image that has inspired you this week.

Source: icanread.tumblr.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Source: daddytypes.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Source: budddha.tumblr.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Source: etsy.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Source: bahava.wordpress.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Source: pixdaus.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 49

Today's Daily 5:

1. Skinny jeans, ballet flats, and my favorite white blouse
2. food I really enjoyed for lunch
3. the feeling of a hot shower after a really long (I worked a bit of overtime) day at work
4. finding boots that should serve me well for the winter
5. collapsing into bed at the end of an exhausting day

Switching Things Up

I'm changing things up in this space again.

For the last several months on Tuesdays and Thursdays this space has either hosted "You Ask, I Answer" or "If..."  At the moment, I'm out of "You Ask, I Answer" questions, and honestly, I'm bored with the "If..." questions.  I loved the "If..." book for conversation, but found many of the questions too inflexible or too personal to answer in this space.  I wasn't having any fun answering them, so I'm shelving the series for the moment.

In the meantime, I've missed writing about whatever I feel like in this space, instead of maintaining regular series.  So, for the next while, starting on Thursday, you can expect me to talk about whatever I feel like talking about on every day except Wednesday.  On Wednesdays you can still look for Whimsical Wednesday, because I'm still loving that!

Yay for new things!  Can't wait to see what we end up talking about in this space!

Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 48

Today's Daily 5:

1. nicely scented handcream
2. chapstick
3. eucalyptus oil for a cold I'm fighting off
4. having arranging flowers be part of my Monday morning work duties
5. pajamas, takeout Chinese, and a quiet evening at home in bed, resting

I Meant To Write a Post

I meant to write a post for today.  One of the many on a list I've been keeping.

And then, well, time got away from me.

Instead of writing I was eating cheese melted in wine with tasty stuff added, and chocolate mixed with coconut milk at a fondue birthday party.

Instead of writing I did an overdue load of laundry.

Instead of writing I sat and made conversations, and helped in the kitchen.

Instead of writing I watched a bit of TV on DVD that made me laugh.

And now it's Monday (or Sunday night, rather, since I'm writing this quickly before heading to bed!) and I don't have the time or energy to write something all profound like.  So... Check back.  I'm switching some things up again this week.  Because I can, you know... and because I want this space to fit me, and I think the changes will help with that all over again.

So check back.  I'll be back tomorrow.  I promise!

Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 47

Today's Daily 5:

1. Kicking the day off with a shower
2. crawling into bed with freshly washed sheets
3. a fondue birthday party for a friend
4. laughter and hugs from friends
5. pushing past some things that normally cause anxiety

A Letter to Women's Ministries Everywhere

Yesterday I read this beautiful post at Emerging Mummy.

You MUST go read it, and then come tell me what you think.

Let's talk about this - about building a church community of women (or men, but the context of the post is women) that loves, sharpens and challenges each other.  Let's talk about building a community that is full of depth and grace and joy.  That is the place we come when we need to wrestle, and the place we come to celebrate.  Not just the place for safe conversation and coffee cake.

I've been blessed to find a small house church community that has embodied this sort of place for me, and I'm curious about all of you - do you have this sort of place where you are both loved and sharpened?  I'd like to hear about it if you do, and to hear about your search for it, or thoughts about it if you don't.

Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 46

Today's Daily 5:

1. A tiny grin on being spotted
2. flowers from my "date" for the morning
3. a return to the zoo for the first time in a few months
4. A child's wonder over puddles, fish pools, trains and airplanes
5. lunch with a friend
6. Chinese dumplings
7. a hot bath with a book
8. taking an early evening nap
9. catching up on email
10. marking a few things off my list for the weekend