To Witness

It would seem that my role on this island, this team is simply to witness. Not even to always understand, but to simply witness the acts of those I'm traveling with. The moments in which they encounter the Lord, the prophetic moments.

This morning that's going to look like me walking with two or three other people from the home where we're staying to the highest point on the island (a cross, of all things). The others from our team will meet us there for a time of prayer around 10:30. Two hours of walking, simply as a witness to the things others on our team are feeling called to.

I'm okay with that.

I Need a Title...

Okay... I'm being harassed from 2 sides about my inability to title things...

The first photo is a painting from the prayer room... lots of significance to it, I'll explain sometime...

The second is Dar, Bethany and I sitting on a wall at the Citadel in Gozo. Loved Gozo. Very peaceful there.

Trip still going well. Internet access has been less than, well, accessible.

Tired. Very tired.... and giddy... and everyone sitting around me has been enjoying wine for most of the evening... not helping with the giddy thing.

So, I think I'll sign off now. Night!

bad connections

So... the internet connection has been sketchy the last week or so again. There are about 6 of us sitting in a cafe in Valetta at the moment, with our laptops out, catching up with the outside world.

We're a little stir crazy... working through some stuff... keep praying for us...

Hoping to sort out the internet situation on Wednesday.

Later!

argh...

There are some things going on with me that I am so NOT okay with right now.

I brought some baggage into this trip, hoping to leave it behind, and find myself healed and lighter. It's not happening, though I haven't completely given up hope that the healing is coming.

There are things that I am picking up here that I am able to carry, and there are things that I am picking up that I have no energy left to bear, but must carry anyway.

I'm tired (the storm the last couple nights has prevented much sleep), and that is not helping my perspective very much.

The spiritual atmosphere of this nation is having an incredible effect on my physical body. I am experiencing a vast magnification of certain manifestations that I have experienced at home in Canada from time to time. Things that are easy to ignore when they happen once every two or three days or even less often, but are far more difficult to ignore when they happen a half-dozen times in the space of ten minutes, and occur nearly constantly throughout the space of my days. The manifestations frustrate me, because I don't understand them. I can't explain them. They don't fit into my logical and controlled world. I am experiencing physical pains that seem to be strongly connected to various spiritual things at quite regular intervals as well...

I'm coping. Kind of. I continue to feel a deep sense of the peace and shielding of the Father over my life - promises that have been spoken over my life the last couple years, and are now being fulfilled. I do, however, have to remind myself of those promises at every turn, as they are easy to lose in the midst of the intensity of the moments that are filling my days.

Apparently we're going to visit one of the refugee camps tomorrow. Not sure I have the energy that that is going to require of me, but needing to go... Had to ask someone tonight for a logical reason for me to go to the camps tomorrow... cringed when she actually came up with one... guess I'm going...

Keep praying for us. For unity of hearts. For protection against fears.

Flashbacks

There are three of us sleeping in a laundry room on the roof of the house here.

Let's just say that we didn't get much sleep last night. Any of us.

I'm having flashbacks to a camping trip our family once made on the beach of Prince Edward Island. A trip that has become legendary in the Pippus family lore. A trip involving a tent, and gale force winds, and a thunder and lightning storm.

The doors of the room we were in last night were rattling in the wind. It howled and whipped and shook all night. I think I slept maybe two hours.

So, we're tired, and we're pushing through a lot of things. Keep praying for us. Things have been somewhat intense these last few days, and we could definitely use your prayers.

hmm...

So, we're all here now. The last two team members arrived at 2:30 this morning. Since they were jet-lagged and thought it was 11pm, and Marty and I were wide awake with a second wind, we did a little bit of touring. I've now seen the ancient city of Mdina in the middle of the night - very cool!

Yesterday was definitely a more intense day - not sure how I feel about that as I'm sitting here at the breakfast table this morning. Could definitely use a slower day, but not sure that's going to happen for the next little while.

Dar just headed out to enjoy a couple hours on her own in the prayer room, so Bree and Nate are hanging out with me for a while...

I need to get outside for at least a little while at some point today...

Okay... my brain is not very functional today, so I think that might be it.

Sleep is as rare here as it is at home, but the intensity level is higher, making less sleep a more draining sort of thing.

A Few Quick Pictures

Kari and I at the spot where the Magna Carta was signed - during our 10 hour layover in London.
The church in the centre of Siggiewi - the village where we're staying.

Andy, Kari, Dar and I at the Valletta City Gates. Bree took this photo for us.

With Bree and Luke at the Lower Gardens - Grand Harbor Valetta - a quick stop on a horse drawn carriage tour of the city that Dar and I took with the three kids....

More thoughts coming soon... Prayer room kicked off today - went great - looks great. Thought you might like to see a few pics in the meantime...

Kicking things off...

It's just about midnight Friday night here. Most of you will read this sometime on Friday during the day I would think - maybe Friday evening. How funny is that? I already know how Friday is going to look because it's 20 minutes from ending, and you're still in the midst of it.

Tomorrow at noon the prayer room opens. We're going to gather as a team for communion, and to pray together and celebrate the opening. Later, at 7, we'll gather again for worship and community prayer - we're expecting quite the crowd for that event. Then, down into the nitty-gritty of filling time slots and covering 13 straight days around the clock with prayer.

I'm excited - a few finishing touches tomorrow, and then we're there. Just the little "atmosphere" things - candles, final decorations.

Kari and I are covering the night shift on Sunday. So, with some combination of sleeping and waking, we'll fill the hours from midnight to 7 am, then drag ourselves out to catch a 7:30 bus back to our hosts home and catch some sleep. We're excited to do it though. Before coming, we had both toyed with the idea of letting the night shifts slide if no one expressed interest. We realized, though, that we were willing to let them slide because we really didn't want to do them. So, we've decided to do at least one, and probably two together. 3 and a half hours or so alone with God in the middle of the night - intense but so good.

I'm actually feeling pretty tired right now. Jet lag has worn off, I'm settled, and the exhaustion from the people and things I've carried so deeply these last six months or so has begun to surface. It's taking time and tears and long conversations, and moments of just sitting, and journal entries to slowly release them into the atmosphere and allow myself to be fully present here.

Lord, help me to be present here. Be present with me.

I'm finishing each day with the last several verses of Psalm 91 - promises that have become so deep and real to me over the course of these last months. Promises I need to remind myself of here.

"Because she loves me," says the Lord, "I will rescue her."
"I will protect her, for she acknowledges my name."
"She will call upon me and I will answer her."
"I will be with her in trouble."
"I will deliver her and honor her."
"With long life will I satisfy her, and show her my salvation."
(Psalm 91:14-16 - with personalized pronouns courtesy of Dana!)

In Malta!

Hey all - have you forgotten me around here yet?

I've arrived safely in Malta and am now mostly recovered from jetlag...

We've been busy, preparing to set up the prayer room, and meeting various people, as well as helping our hosts prepare for the arrival of the remainder of our team over the course of the next several days.

I probably won't blog on my site very often - internet access is a bit sketchy at the moment, and we're working to keep a blog at malta.untodeep.com updated for your enjoyment. Marty put a post there the other day, and I'll be adding to it occasionally as well.

Thanks for your prayers thus far, and please keep praying!

I feel a great sense of peace here, and for that I'm deeply thankful.

Underway...

I'm sitting at a computer in my friend's office...

I'm on my way... how crazy is that?

Tomorrow we get on a flight and get underway.

I'm spending the next month and a bit with friends, hanging out, living in community, praying.

The nerves and fears are finally starting to feel like they're under control, and are receding in the face of excitement - of this becoming real.

It'll probably be a few days before I can post again...

Later!

Battling through the fears...

I leave in the morning... just a two hour drive to a friend's home tomorrow, then another couple hours driving on Friday, followed by two flights.

My best friend, M. came over to help me pack this afternoon... she was invaluable, and made the process fun instead of stressful... helped me to have someone to talk through the decisions with - do I take this or that? the white or the beige? helped me that she's travelled all over the world for lengthy periods of time. Plus, she owed me. I packed her for a trip to Africa for 2 months a couple years ago, and a trip to Nepal and Pakistan for three months last year.

I went to Mom and Dad's for a bit this evening... Mom is a craniosacral and massage therapist, and she gave me a treatment/massage... it helped relieve a bit of the stress...

It's not news to anyone who knows me well that I struggle with fear issues in a major way. These last few days have been out of control fear wise.

In the spirit of being really honest here, let me just tell you some things.

I have been so stressed and afraid that my stomach has stopped tolerating food. I haven't eaten since Monday night. I'm existing on water and gatorade and fruit juice. I'd really like to tell you that this is the first time this has happened to me, but it's old hat.

I've been fighting off panic attacks at night. I'd like to tell you that I've never experienced that before either, but it's happened dozens of times.

In the spirit of describing exactly how huge it is that I'm flying across the ocean for the next month, let me just tell you that I have attacks of fear when I go to stay with very dear friends for the weekend in a town only an hour's drive away. I push through fear every time I meet a youth kid for coffee, every time I go somewhere new, step into a new situation. Unless the situation is perfectly familiar and predictable, I battle fear.

The thing about the fears is that I know they're irrational. I know that making this trip is making a step of obedience - that I am doing something God has called me to do. I know that I am doing this in the safest possible environment, with the best possible friends for this step. I even get frustrated with myself for being terrified, for having such irrational fears.

I know that in a day or two, once the trip is underway I'll be fine, but in the meantime, I'm fighting off the fears.

I'm dealing with panic, and nausea. I'm sleeping very little. I'm thinking irrationally. I'm feeling faint from not eating, and exhausted from the lack of sleep.

And underneath, I'm excited. I'm thrilled that I'm going to spend the next month with dear friends, praying for Malta, and the world. I'm thrilled that I'm going to spend Ash Wednesday in Rome with a dear friend. I'm thrilled at the prospects of a couple days in London with some other dear friends.

But until I'm there - until I push past the fear of stepping so completely outside of my comfort zone, so far from that which I can control, I need to face the fear, and I need to believe that the next time I decide to travel somewhere to pray, the fear will be a little bit less, and that each time after that, it will continue to lessen. I need to believe that there will come a point where I won't spend days puking and sleepless before making a step of obedience.

I know Jesus walks with me, and I need to believe that He is stronger than the fear, and that his strength and grace are more than sufficient in this space.

Here I go...

Home

The day finally ended.

I'm done work for something like the next 5 weeks.

I'm doing laundry so that I can pack tomorrow and laying on a couch, trying to recover from a day without eating.

Gatorade is a girl's best friend sometimes.

Tired is a good descriptor right now.

Needing to accomplish some stuff, but not entirely sure I have the energy to do it all. Going to have to push through.

I'm at home.

Last Day at the Office...

The stress has finally kicked in fully and made me ill.

I'm sitting at my desk, working to not think about how completely nauseaus I am. Working to not recall the "tossing my cookies" way my day ended last night, and started this morning.

My temp - the one for whom today is my last day to explain some important information about my job - hasn't shown up, or called, or given any indication whatsoever why she isn't sitting at my desk, taking on my job, with me here just to give some last minute instructions and answer some last minute questions.

This is my last day at work. It can't end soon enough.

Enough Light for the Next Step - Henri Nouwen

Enough Light for the Next Step

Often we want to be able to see into the future. We say, "How will next year be for me? Where will I be five or ten years from now?" There are no answers to these questions. Mostly we have just enough light to see the next step: what we have to do in the coming hour or the following day. The art of living is to enjoy what we can see and not complain about what remains in the dark. When we are able to take the next step with the trust that we will have enough light for the step that follows, we can walk through life with joy and be surprised at how far we go. Let's rejoice in the little light we carry and not ask for the great beam that would take all shadows away.

More from Henri Nouwen...

I got three more reflections in my email from Henri Nouwen today that I thought I'd share with you...

Living the Moment to the Fullest

Patience is a hard discipline. It is not just waiting until something happens over which we have no control: the arrival of the bus, the end of the rain, the return of a friend, the resolution of a conflict. Patience is not a waiting passivity until someone else does something. Patience asks us to live the moment to the fullest, to be completely present to the moment, to taste the here and now, to be where we are. When we are impatient we try to get away from where we are. We behave as if the real thing will happen tomorrow, later and somewhere else. Let's be patient and trust that the treasure we look for is hidden in the ground on which we stand.

Spiritual Choices

Choices. Choices make the difference. Two people are in the same accident and severely wounded. They did not choose to be in the accident. It happened to them. But one of them chose to live the experience in bitterness, the other in gratitude. Thesechoices radically influenced their lives and the lives of their families and friends. We have very little control over what happens in our lives, but we have a lot of control over how we integrate and remember what happens. It is precisely these spiritual choices that determine whether we live our lives with dignity.

The Gift of Friendship

Friendship is one of the greatest gifts a human being can receive. It is a bond beyond common goals, common interests, or common histories. It is a bond stronger than sexual union can create, deeper than a shared fate can solidify, and even more intimate than the bonds of marriage or community. Friendship is being with the other in joy and sorrow, even when we cannot increase the joy or decrease the sorrow. It is a unity of souls that gives nobility and sincerity to love. Friendship makes all of life shine brightly. Blessed are those who lay down their lives for their friends.

Monday

I have one day of work left. One day to finish teaching my temp how to do my job.

Then I have one day to pack, and see a couple of friends.

Then I leave.

oooffff....

I feel like I have no energy left.

I should be doing laundry right now, but I can't get off the couch. I'm working up to it.

I had dinner with my family tonight. Said goodbye to my brothers, since I won't see them again before I leave.

Came home and put my pajamas on and am crashed on the couch watching an episode of Grey's Anatomy on DVD and catching up on email.

Still on my radar...

I'm thinking a lot about Pakistan these days... praying for the situation there on a pretty regular basis.

Because, you see, one of my favorite people on the planet, the friend who I describe with the adjective "best", gave her heart to Pakistan back when she was sixteen and spent a summer there on a short term mission trip.

Then, last year, she went back, spent three months in a tiny rural hospital for women and children. Three months of helping bring new lives into the world. And she gave her heart away again - to this hospital that so desperately needs the skills she brings. To this hospital that keeps having to shut down for periods of time, because there is no one to cover the permanent missionary staff's home assignments.

In March, my friend is hoping to go back to Pakistan, to this tiny hospital. To give the next year and a half of her life to Jesus, and to keep helping to bring healthy new babies into the world.

So I find myself praying for this country that has stolen her heart. For peace, for stability, for light and love to overflow. For a visa to be granted, and safe travel for my friend. That it will work for me to visit her and pray with her there, sometime in the 18 months she'll be away.

This headline today caught my eye, and had me praying all over again... Pakistanis flee into Afghanistan

So I'm praying for her tonight...

De-Nile

Every so often, especially after a particularly wild or difficult night, I begin working to convince myself that all of the things I see, all of the things I experience, all of the things that feel inherently strange as I discover more about myself and the giftings God has placed within me, that all of these things are fake.

I tell myself that I'm crazy. Because losing my mind is somewhat preferable to the realities of spiritual warfare I occasionally encounter.

I tell myself that I must be mistaken, that I've imagined it. Because unreality is always preferable. False realities can be eliminated from the consciousness much more expediently than that which is reality.

I made a stab at this sort of denial tonight.

Trouble is, I made a stab at talking myself into the unreality while on the phone for a couple of hours with one of the very few people who have walked closely with me since August, when the Spirit of God showed up in new ways, and my life began spinning wildly out of control. And not only that, but this particular friend is the one I've called or emailed day after day and week after week, looking for the assurance that the things I was experiencing weren't so odd as they felt. And time after time she assured me that I wasn't slowly losing my mind. "The new normal" she called it. "Ruined for the ordinary," she said.

You can imagine how successful I was at talking myself into denial while on the phone with this particular friend!

So, I'm here, and I'm working once again at being okay with the crazier realities of my life. I'm still fighting the fears that tormented me through the night last night, but at the moment, I'm winning. I'm feeling peaceful, restored, glad for a restful afternoon, and thankful for a long phone conversation with my friend. I'm feeling like I can face the two days I have left at the office, and the myriad of people I need to see before I leave, and the tiny (and big) details that still need to be taken care of. I can do this. (At least I think I can!)

I'm off to do some tidying up - to sort what I need to put in the laundry tomorrow, so that I can pack Tuesday evening and Wednesday. And then, I'm going to crawl in bed with a novel... can't wait!

Walk On...

I'm sitting here, staring at the screen and wondering how to describe where I'm at this morning.

The time spent with friends yesterday was rich and beautiful, and ended with the community of praying people that the friends I'm traveling with are a part of in Canmore praying for our team as we went. I was glad for the opportunity to be there to be part of it.

Here's the thing, though. Yesterday made this trip real. Made it real how absolutely far outside of my comfort zone I've chosen to step over this next month and a bit. Made it real that in five days I'm getting on a plane and flying across the world to join friends to pray and live in community together, and to hopefully meet with Jesus.

I passed a restless night after arriving home. Sleep was fleeting. I woke often and battled the dreams and the middle of the night fears.

I knew this would come. It always does as I step into something I believe Jesus is calling me to, something outside my comfortable realm.

I have a friend who loves adventure - collects new opportunities wherever she can, can't handle life without change for very long. She once asked me, "Don' t you ever just want to burst out of your comfort zone? Doesn't it ever make you bored and you just long for change?" My answer was succinct. "No."

So I knew this would come, the onslaught of fears. I've been expecting it. And I know that I'll survive it and emerge relatively unscathed. But it never seems to get easier to make the journey through to the other side.

And so, this morning, I'm fighting the remnants of a tension headache I was hoping to sleep off. The tears are just below the surface, and I'm exhausted. I'm determined to fight back, to push through, but not sure where I'm going to find the strength and energy to accomplish that feat. So I'm sitting here, staring at a laptop screen, listening to the music I always listen to when I need to push through something - U2.

In a few minutes I'll get ready for church, and head out the door. I'm being commissioned this morning for my journey. A whole congregation gathered around myself and another girl who is also embarking on an adventure with Jesus for this next season, talking to Jesus about us.

In the meantime, I'm reminded of a line from Anne of Green Gables, "I'm feeling tired and provincial and about 10 years old..."

----------------
Now playing: U2 - Walk On
via FoxyTunes

Saturday

It's 7:50 am. And I'm up - have been for a bit over an hour. Not all that normal for a Saturday, but I woke up around 6:00, rolled over in that "no way in hell - I don't get up this early even for work" kind of way and slept another 30 minutes. At 6:30 I woke up with the urge to pray. Snippets of dreams clung to me, and various friends weighed heavy. So I lay there and talked with Jesus for a while, then turned on a light and finished my first book of the year. (I'll add it to my sidebar later today or tomorrow.)

Moved to the couch and have been catching up on blogs and emails for a while, with an episode of Grey's Anatomy season 3 playing quietly in the background.

Here's how today looks. In a minute or two, I'm going to shower, and then I'll get dressed, and do my hair. I'll probably make tea, and have a mandarin orange for breakfast. I'll figure out what I can wrap a gift in, and then I'll load my journal and Bible into my purse, grab the gift and head out the door.

With a quick stop for gas, I'm going to drive for just over an hour, to the small town of Canmore, right up in the rocky mountains. I'm headed for the home of some friends with a two-fold purpose. The first is to hang out. (the gift is for their kids - 3 of the 5 five children on the planet that I can handle being around for more than 10 minutes!)

The second is that earlier this week it was decided that it would be good for those of us who live relatively close (though in 3 different towns or cities) to each other, who are all headed for Malta within the next week, to gather and talk and pray for our upcoming trip.

Somewhere early this evening, I'll get back in my car and drive home.

I'm feeling relatively at peace this morning - a novelty after the last few days of exhaustion and stress. The temptation upon waking early was to settle right back into that same exhaustion, but peace seems to have won for the moment. This is a day that could be passed doing many things (and there are many things that need to be done before I leave Calgary on Thursday morning) but I am going to pass it with people I love, in a little town in the mountains that I love. I am going to pass it in prayer, and laughter, and relationship. And then, later this week, I'm going to join those same friends in embarking on a month long adventure of prayer and laughter and relationship on the tiny island nation of Malta.

The nerves about the trip have subsided (at least mostly) for a time, and today I'm just going to stand in awe of what Jesus has done in the last year. If you had told me a year ago that I would be preparing to spend a month overseas, with the growing possibilities of several more trips in the coming months and years, I probably would have laughed. I would have laughed at the idea that someone I've met in person only twice could become a dear and very important friend. I would have laughed at the idea that my heart would be opened to the nations and broken for the world beyond the North American borders. (Actually, if you had told me that last one, I probably wouldn't have laughed. I probably would have cringed.)

I'm sitting here in awe. In awe of the way my relationships have expanded. In awe of the way my world is expanding. In awe of the way my heart has expanded. In awe of the answers to many spoken (and unspoken) prayers are being answered.

I leave Calgary in 5 days to begin a whole new adventure with the things that my heart is passionate about, with the people my heart loves, accompanied by the God who has overwhelmed me with things for my heart to be passionate about, and people for my heart to love.

Headlines again...

I'm sitting here, taking a break for a little bit from the list of stuff I need to accomplish tonight - the cleaning, the chores, the laundry, watching Grey's Anatomy on dvd and reading the international news online again, and praying...

Here are some of the headlines catching my attention tonight:

Canada to Provide Emergency Assistance to Kenya

Where Kenya is on Fire

Kenya's Humanitarian Crisis Grows

Deadly Floods Hit Southern Africa

Can Tutu Heal Kenya's Wounds?

Burma Marks Independence Day

Still Tired

I'm still tired, though in a less soul-numbing exhausted sort of way...

Sleep remains an elusive thing, full of dreams and moments of wakefulness. I was explaining to someone today how, over the course of years of sleeping poorly, your body adapts, and you learn what it is to function at a competent level with only 4 or 5 hours of sleep a night.

I talked about how the periods in my life when sleep seems the least are always the ones where it seems I could use the sleep the most. The ones where I'm walking through intense things personally, or walking alongside some really broken and messy people.

I explained, too, how in the moments when I most need the strength to meet with someone who's broken, in those moments when I know that there is nothing of myself left to care for that person, the strength is always there. Just in that moment, Jesus always sends just enough energy, just enough words, just enough patience and wisdom and discernment. And when that moment ends, the strength usually goes with it... and that's okay too.

So, I'm tired, and I'm stressed, and trying to get 8 million things accomplished before my last day of work on Tuesday, and before I leave Calgary on Thursday and fly out on Friday, but I'm going to be okay. Because the strength is there in the moments when it's really important, and the rest of it, well, it's just stuff, and the world won't end if my laundry doesn't get folded immediately, or if my dishes aren't washed right this second.

Updates...

I've updated the list of "People and Things I Like" in my sidebar. I added a number of blogs I've been reading regularly the last while. I thought some of you might like to check them out too... but mostly, I put them there so it's easier for me to get to them!

Exhausted and Clouded Judgement

I'm completely spent again, and I can't really explain why. There's no particular reason, no particular thing that happened, I'm just spent, and I think tears are coming before the end of the night.

My judgement feels cloudy, my perspective warped. I'm tired, and nervous and over-emotional and over-thinking.

The fears are coming in hard and fast.

Funny how these sorts of nights happen.

I think I'm going to bed. Bed, a novel, maybe some tea. Then hopefully I'll sleep - the whole way through a night, preferably without dreaming.

I'm spent. And my judgement is clouded. I'm going to bed.

Crazyness!

Just stopping in for a minute on my lunch break. Life is looking a little crazy from now until the moment right up until I leave.

People to see. Errands to run. Dozens of things to accomplish at the office. My temporary replacement to start training tomorrow. All sorts of things that have sat by the wayside for the last few weeks of busyness to catch up on. Cleaning to do.

Feeling slightly frazzled, and like I'm moving in 17 directions at once. Not loving the feeling, but knowing that it's really short term!

Later!

Some Henri Nouwen Thoughts

I fell behind on sharing some thoughts from Henri Nouwen with you over the holidays, so here are several at once for you to chew on!

A Ministry that Never Ends
Reconciliation is much more than a one-time event by which a conflict is resolved and peace established. A ministry of reconciliation goes far beyond problem solving, mediation, and peace agreements. There is not a moment in our lives without the need for reconciliation. When we dare to look at the myriad hostile feelings and thoughts in our hearts and minds, we will immediately recognize the many little and big wars in which we take part. Our enemy can be a parent, a child, a "friendly" neighbor, people with different lifestyles, people who do not think as we think, speak as we speak, or act as we act. They all can become "them." Right there is where reconciliation is needed.

Reconciliation touches the most hidden parts of our souls. God gave reconciliation to us as a ministry that never ends.

Letting Go of Old Hurts

One of the hardest things in life is to let go of old hurts. We often say, or at least think: "What you did to me and my family, my ancestors, or my friends I cannot forget or forgive. ... One day you will have to pay for it." Sometimes our memories are decades, even centuries, old and keep asking for revenge.

Holding people's faults against them often creates an impenetrable wall. But listen to Paul: "For anyone who is in Christ, there is a new creation: the old order is gone and a new being is there to see. It is all God's work" (2 Corinthians 5:17-18). Indeed, we cannot let go of old hurts, but God can. Paul says: "God was in Christ reconciling the world to himself, not holding anyone's fault against them" (2 Corinthians 5:19). It is God's work, but we are God's ministers, because the God who reconciled the world to God entrusted to us "the message of reconciliation" (2 Corinthians 5:19). This message calls us to let go of old hurts in the Name of God. It is the message our world most needs to hear.

God's Imagination

So much of our energy, time, and money goes into maintaining distance from one another. Many if not most of the resources of the world are used to defend ourselves against each other, to maintain or increase our power, and to safeguard our own privileged position.

Imagine all that effort being put in the service of peace and reconciliation! Would there be any poverty? Would there be crimes and wars? Just imagine that there was no longer fear among people, no longer any rivalry, hostility, bitterness, or revenge. Just imagine all the people on this planet holding hands and forming one large circle of love. We say, "I can't imagine." But God says, "That's what I imagine, a whole world not only created but also living in my image."

Expecting a Surprise

Each day holds a surprise. But only if we expect it can we see, hear, or feel it when it comes to us. Let's not be afraid to receive each day's surprise, whether it comes to us as sorrow or as joy. It will open a new place in our hearts, a place where we can welcome new friends and celebrate more fully our shared humanity.

Our Spiritual Parents

Joy and sorrow are never separated. When our hearts rejoice at a spectacular view, we may miss our friends who cannot see it, and when we are overwhelmed with grief, we may discover what true friendship is all about. Joy is hidden in sorrow and sorrow in joy. If we try to avoid sorrow at all costs, we may never taste joy, and if we are suspicious of ecstasy, agony can never reach us either. Joy and sorrow are the parents of our spiritual growth.

January 1, 2008

I went to the park today. The park where I often go to think and pray. A sort of pilgrimage site for me. I couldn't stay very long - it was too cold to spend more than 15 or 20 minutes outside at a stretch this morning. It was short, but so needed. Hardly anyone else was in the park, so when I'd stop moving, there was a perfect silence. So peaceful and deep and filled with the presence of God.
I built a tiny altar near the river one day early this fall. A monument to some time spent praying and listening. Today I added these three stones - symbolizing nothing and so many things. Three stones as I let my heart wander and talked with Jesus.

After the park I ended up driving around the city. A weird pilgrimage of sorts. To a number of places I've gone over the years to pray. Along routes that were some of the first places where I began to hear the voice of the Father, where it became more than a one-sided conversation. Places I drove and screamed at God while I was depressed. Places I drove and prayed in wonderment those first few months after I was healed. Places where I drove with desperately broken people in my passenger seat, talking and praying. Places and routes full of memories and nostalgia. And as I drove, I let the memories float back, and I prayed for the future. It was such a special time, a great way to start a new year!

This is a picture of my baby brother, T. and I. We had a movie date tonight. (We saw quite possibly the worst movie on the planet, "Enchanted" on the recommendation of one of T's friends. Instead of mutually enjoying a movie, we ended up bonding over rolled eyes, glances at our watches and groans of almost physical pain at the ridiculously bad nature of the movie.) We're hoping to have dinner together on Monday night, but if we can't, well, then tonight was the last time we'll see each other until I get back from Malta.

There is joy in T's smile again these last few days that has been missing for quite a while. I'm still praying that his wrist will be healed - whether supernaturally or with another surgery. I'd love it if you would pray with me for that. That he'll fully get his music back one day. But it made me happy to see the joy in his eyes again.

I asked him to pray for me before we separated for the evening. My church is commissioning me for my trip to Malta on Sunday, but T. will be out of town. I really wanted to hear him pray for me, as the sibling and family member who is most able to hear and accept my heart, and my differences from the family and religious structure I grew up in. He agreed and prayed blessing and other beautiful things over my life, my trip, my relationships. Such a special moment, sitting there in the car, parked in front of my parent's house in the dark, and hearing my baby brother talk to Jesus about me.

This was a good way to start a new year.

Headlines to start the new year

I'll write something of my own later. I'm still mulling, waiting for the words to begin to form and spill out of my head and onto paper or a screen.

For the moment, though, I've been spending the last half-hour or so reading international news headlines from the various regions of the world that have begun to be on my radar as my heart is broadened to the world. It would seem that it hasn't been a particularly peaceful start to the new year. Here are some of the headlines that caught my eye and my heart today:

Kenyans Burned to Death in Church

US Diplomat Dies in Sudan Attack

Pakistan Early Poll 'Impossible'

Leading Sri Lanka Tamil MP Killed

Praying for the world tonight before heading out for a while with my baby brother...