De-Nile

Every so often, especially after a particularly wild or difficult night, I begin working to convince myself that all of the things I see, all of the things I experience, all of the things that feel inherently strange as I discover more about myself and the giftings God has placed within me, that all of these things are fake.

I tell myself that I'm crazy. Because losing my mind is somewhat preferable to the realities of spiritual warfare I occasionally encounter.

I tell myself that I must be mistaken, that I've imagined it. Because unreality is always preferable. False realities can be eliminated from the consciousness much more expediently than that which is reality.

I made a stab at this sort of denial tonight.

Trouble is, I made a stab at talking myself into the unreality while on the phone for a couple of hours with one of the very few people who have walked closely with me since August, when the Spirit of God showed up in new ways, and my life began spinning wildly out of control. And not only that, but this particular friend is the one I've called or emailed day after day and week after week, looking for the assurance that the things I was experiencing weren't so odd as they felt. And time after time she assured me that I wasn't slowly losing my mind. "The new normal" she called it. "Ruined for the ordinary," she said.

You can imagine how successful I was at talking myself into denial while on the phone with this particular friend!

So, I'm here, and I'm working once again at being okay with the crazier realities of my life. I'm still fighting the fears that tormented me through the night last night, but at the moment, I'm winning. I'm feeling peaceful, restored, glad for a restful afternoon, and thankful for a long phone conversation with my friend. I'm feeling like I can face the two days I have left at the office, and the myriad of people I need to see before I leave, and the tiny (and big) details that still need to be taken care of. I can do this. (At least I think I can!)

I'm off to do some tidying up - to sort what I need to put in the laundry tomorrow, so that I can pack Tuesday evening and Wednesday. And then, I'm going to crawl in bed with a novel... can't wait!