I was pretty sure when I wrote
my last post on this topic that the next post I would write in this series would be detailing the way I was managing to "control" my struggle with food and my body. How I was losing weight, changing my diet, and being successful at those things.
That's not the post I'm sitting down to write today.
The truth is, I think I have more questions than answers.
I read that last post to my therapist, and she asked me to take a break from the plan for weight loss that had been working for me for the first three months of the year. She asked me to take a break and spend some time learning how to honor my body.
In the month or so that I've been doing that, I've learned that I'm not very good at it. I've learned that discipline and willpower are not my strengths, and that an at times addictive personality just might another challenge I'll need to face. I'm fairly certain that I've gained back the weight I worked hard to lose (almost half of my goal) over those first three months of the year. I've been procrastinating on the homework she assigned, because I just can't quite figure out how to write a letter of appreciation and gratitude to my body. It hasn't been that hard to do as she asked and do one nice thing for my body each day. She set the limits wide, and since I live a generally healthy lifestyle, it wasn't hard to think of things like walking the stairs instead of taking the elevator, drinking lots of water, and using my SAD lamp as little gifts.
I could make excuses - that this was the worst month ever to remove limits. After all, it was the final month of the semester, and I was stressed beyond my limits by group work. Who could blame me if I had one cookie, or ten? Who would blame me for wanting to go for drinks with the girls after class, and deciding I needed a big juicy hamburger to go with the drink (after all, I'm a light weight when it comes to alcohol, and if I don't eat, well, half a drink can make me seriously tipsy.)
But the excuses ring hollow as I've pondered what I'd write here. They're just that - excuses for a lack of self-discipline. Excuses for not treating my body well. (Though I wonder if the guilt I feel for failing, and then making excuses is equally negative for this journey.)
I don't have any answers today.
I have a lot of questions.
How do I learn to see my body differently?
How long will it take?
Can I create limits without them being a mechanism for control? A mechanism for beating back fear? How do I do that?
What does healthy look like in my circumstances?
What are the lines between healthy choices and those self-care moments when chocolate or a drink with the girls really is a helpful thing?
Am I attractive?
Can I ever be attractive to others if I don't believe it about myself?
And most of all, what does Jesus think of all of this? How does he see me? How does he ask me to care for my body?
I don't have answers, just a lot of questions, and I'm inviting you into those today. I'd love to hear your questions, or just your thoughts about your own journeys with your body and food.
