- The blessing of an entire row to myself on an early morning flight Saturday
- The news of my roommate's engagement
- Long hugs from a dear friend
- Lunch with the wedding couple
- Prayer in a park
- Photos and laughter
- stained glass windows
- beautiful music made by friends
- driving around not sure exactly where we were
- stopping in the funniest of locations
- eating very little
- sleeping even less
- long conversations with wonderful new friends
- the princess suite
- two beautiful little girls who will stand out in my memory
- crisis averted, and becoming "unofficial flower girls"
- seeing and dreaming, and yet sort of being okay
- applesauce and crackers
- rooibos tea and hummus
- roses
- a "sprint" down the aisle
- words of blessing spoken
- My God is Mighty to Save
- joy and peace in the midst of it all
- a tearful goodbye
- answered prayers of the little sort - a non-chatty seat mate on the flight home
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
The Weekend That Was
Snapshots in point form from my weekend...
Headlines
Baptism and Eucharist Connected - Henri Nouwen
another thought, arrived just this morning from the Henri Nouwen society.
Eucharist, the Sacrament of Communion
Baptism opens the door to the Eucharist. The Eucharist is the sacrament through which Jesus enters into an intimate, permanent communion with us. It is the sacrament of the table. It is the sacrament of food and drink. It is the sacrament of daily nurture. While baptism is a once-in-a-lifetime event, the Eucharist can be a monthly, weekly, or even daily occurrence. Jesus gave us the Eucharist as a constant memory of his life and death. Not a memory that simply makes us think of him but a memory that makes us members of his body. That is why Jesus on the evening before he died took bread saying, "This is my Body," and took the cup saying, "This is my Blood." By eating the Body and drinking the Blood of Christ, we become one with him.
Eucharist, the Sacrament of Communion
Baptism opens the door to the Eucharist. The Eucharist is the sacrament through which Jesus enters into an intimate, permanent communion with us. It is the sacrament of the table. It is the sacrament of food and drink. It is the sacrament of daily nurture. While baptism is a once-in-a-lifetime event, the Eucharist can be a monthly, weekly, or even daily occurrence. Jesus gave us the Eucharist as a constant memory of his life and death. Not a memory that simply makes us think of him but a memory that makes us members of his body. That is why Jesus on the evening before he died took bread saying, "This is my Body," and took the cup saying, "This is my Blood." By eating the Body and drinking the Blood of Christ, we become one with him.
More thoughts on baptism from Henri Nouwen
Baptism is a topic I've been thinking a lot about lately. So I've been delighted to receive these observations from Henri Nouwen in my inbox the last little while...
Baptism, the Way to Freedom
When parents have their children baptised they indicate their desire to have their children grow up and live as children of God and brothers or sisters of Jesus, and be guided by the Holy Spirit.
Through birth a child is given to parents; through baptism a child is given to God. At baptism the parents acknowledge that their parenthood is a participation in God's parenthood, that all fatherhood and motherhood comes from God. Thus baptism frees the parents from a sense of owning their children. Children belong to God and are given to the parents to love and care for in God's name. It is the parents' vocation to welcome their children as honored guests in their home and bring them to the physical, emotional, and spiritual freedom that enables them to leave the home and become parents themselves. Baptism reminds parents of this vocation and sets children on the path of freedom.
Baptism, the Way to Community
Baptism is more than a way to spiritual freedom. It also is the way to community. Baptising a person, whether child or adult, is receiving that person into the community of faith.
Those who are reborn from above through baptism, and are called to live the life of sons and daughters of God, belong together as members of one spiritual family, the living body of Christ. When we baptise people, we welcome them into this family of God and offer them guidance, support, and formation, as they grow to the full maturity of the Christ-like life.
Baptism, a Call to Commitment
Baptism as a way to the freedom of the children of God and as a way to a life in community calls for a personal commitment. There is nothing magical or automatic about this sacrament. Having water poured over us while someone says, "I baptise you in the Name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit," has lasting significance when we are willing to claim and reclaim in all possible ways the spiritual truth of who we are as baptised people.
In this sense baptism is a call to parents of baptised children and to the baptised themselves to choose constantly for the light in the midst of a dark world and for life in the midst of a death-harbouring society.
Baptism, the Way to Freedom
When parents have their children baptised they indicate their desire to have their children grow up and live as children of God and brothers or sisters of Jesus, and be guided by the Holy Spirit.
Through birth a child is given to parents; through baptism a child is given to God. At baptism the parents acknowledge that their parenthood is a participation in God's parenthood, that all fatherhood and motherhood comes from God. Thus baptism frees the parents from a sense of owning their children. Children belong to God and are given to the parents to love and care for in God's name. It is the parents' vocation to welcome their children as honored guests in their home and bring them to the physical, emotional, and spiritual freedom that enables them to leave the home and become parents themselves. Baptism reminds parents of this vocation and sets children on the path of freedom.
Baptism, the Way to Community
Baptism is more than a way to spiritual freedom. It also is the way to community. Baptising a person, whether child or adult, is receiving that person into the community of faith.
Those who are reborn from above through baptism, and are called to live the life of sons and daughters of God, belong together as members of one spiritual family, the living body of Christ. When we baptise people, we welcome them into this family of God and offer them guidance, support, and formation, as they grow to the full maturity of the Christ-like life.
Baptism, a Call to Commitment
Baptism as a way to the freedom of the children of God and as a way to a life in community calls for a personal commitment. There is nothing magical or automatic about this sacrament. Having water poured over us while someone says, "I baptise you in the Name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit," has lasting significance when we are willing to claim and reclaim in all possible ways the spiritual truth of who we are as baptised people.
In this sense baptism is a call to parents of baptised children and to the baptised themselves to choose constantly for the light in the midst of a dark world and for life in the midst of a death-harbouring society.
Morning
After my flight home yesterday, I went almost straight to the office for a half-day at work.
Once work ended, I made a quick stop at the grocery store, drove home, got partially unpacked, cooked some dinner, and took a nice, long, hot shower.
I ate dinner curled up in bed, watching a dvd.
The plan for the rest of the evening was to watch a dvd, and then eventually get around to some reading and journalling. It didn't happen.
I was asleep by 7:30 p.m. I got up once, around 8pm to use the bathroom, and proceeded to mostly sleep for about the next 11.5 hours. I think I probably still had a parentally imposed bedtime the last time I was asleep that early. More importantly than the much needed hours of sleep was the fact that the sleep was mostly dreamless. The dreams have been gaining in intensity again lately and were particularly strong at a few points over the weekend. It was nice to have truly deep rest for a lengthy period of time.
And now, it's morning, and I'm back at work, just getting ready to start the day.
After work comes the weekly shopping trip with my roommates. Oh, and we're going out for dinner (during which we'll do our meal planning for the week) because we don't actually have any food in the house to cook and feed all three of us. So, there's a good Italian restaurant that has cheap pasta nights (dozens of selections for either $6.95 or $7.95 a plate) on Sundays, Mondays and Tuesdays. The plan is to do that as soon as we're home from work, then our groceries, and home again for an early night.
Once work ended, I made a quick stop at the grocery store, drove home, got partially unpacked, cooked some dinner, and took a nice, long, hot shower.
I ate dinner curled up in bed, watching a dvd.
The plan for the rest of the evening was to watch a dvd, and then eventually get around to some reading and journalling. It didn't happen.
I was asleep by 7:30 p.m. I got up once, around 8pm to use the bathroom, and proceeded to mostly sleep for about the next 11.5 hours. I think I probably still had a parentally imposed bedtime the last time I was asleep that early. More importantly than the much needed hours of sleep was the fact that the sleep was mostly dreamless. The dreams have been gaining in intensity again lately and were particularly strong at a few points over the weekend. It was nice to have truly deep rest for a lengthy period of time.
And now, it's morning, and I'm back at work, just getting ready to start the day.
After work comes the weekly shopping trip with my roommates. Oh, and we're going out for dinner (during which we'll do our meal planning for the week) because we don't actually have any food in the house to cook and feed all three of us. So, there's a good Italian restaurant that has cheap pasta nights (dozens of selections for either $6.95 or $7.95 a plate) on Sundays, Mondays and Tuesdays. The plan is to do that as soon as we're home from work, then our groceries, and home again for an early night.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Heading home
It's 6:45 am, and I'm sitting in the Winnipeg airport as I'm writing. I caved in and paid for some internet time.
I rode to the airport with a dear friend, but her flight left three hours before mine, so I'm killing time, and waiting to be home.
Sleep has been fleeting (2 hours for me in the last 24 - I'm hoping to pass out for a couple hours on my flight home), but the weekend has been good.
Some new friends. Connection with some dear friends. A beautiful wedding. A concert.
But now, I'm tired, and I'm ready to head for home. My brother is picking me up at the airport, and I'm looking forward to seeing his face. He'll drive me home, where I'll hopefully have time to sleep for an hour or two, before I have to be back at work this afternoon.
I'm ready to be home for a bit.
I rode to the airport with a dear friend, but her flight left three hours before mine, so I'm killing time, and waiting to be home.
Sleep has been fleeting (2 hours for me in the last 24 - I'm hoping to pass out for a couple hours on my flight home), but the weekend has been good.
Some new friends. Connection with some dear friends. A beautiful wedding. A concert.
But now, I'm tired, and I'm ready to head for home. My brother is picking me up at the airport, and I'm looking forward to seeing his face. He'll drive me home, where I'll hopefully have time to sleep for an hour or two, before I have to be back at work this afternoon.
I'm ready to be home for a bit.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Baptism, a rite of passage
Another great thought from Henri Nouwen...
Baptism, a Rite of Passage
Baptism is a rite of passage. The Jewish people passed through the Red Sea to the Promised Land in the great exodus. Jesus himself wanted to make this exodus by passing through suffering and death into the house of his heavenly Father. This was his baptism. He asked his disciples and now asks us us: "Can you ... be baptised with the baptism with which I shall be baptised?" (Mark 10:38). When the apostle Paul, therefore, speaks about our baptism, he calls it a baptism into Jesus' death (Romans 6:4).
To be baptised means to make the passage with the people of Israel and with Jesus from slavery to freedom and from death to new life. It is a commitment to a life in and through Jesus.
Baptism, a Rite of Passage
Baptism is a rite of passage. The Jewish people passed through the Red Sea to the Promised Land in the great exodus. Jesus himself wanted to make this exodus by passing through suffering and death into the house of his heavenly Father. This was his baptism. He asked his disciples and now asks us us: "Can you ... be baptised with the baptism with which I shall be baptised?" (Mark 10:38). When the apostle Paul, therefore, speaks about our baptism, he calls it a baptism into Jesus' death (Romans 6:4).
To be baptised means to make the passage with the people of Israel and with Jesus from slavery to freedom and from death to new life. It is a commitment to a life in and through Jesus.
Tolerance
I read this article today.
It would seem, that in France, many muslims are sending their children to the catholic schools rather than the public ones. It seems that they find the catholic schools display far greater religious tolerance than the state run secular schools.
Interesting.
It would seem, that in France, many muslims are sending their children to the catholic schools rather than the public ones. It seems that they find the catholic schools display far greater religious tolerance than the state run secular schools.
Interesting.
I am
Today I am...
- wearing a medal with St. Claire on a white gold chain around my neck
- wearing "sexy" new boots (can I say sexy in the sentence right after talking about wearing a saint medal??)
- glad it's "casual Friday" and wearing jeans
- getting super excited to see one of my absolute favorite people on the planet in less than 24 hours
- excited to have printed the boarding pass for my flight tomorrow morning, and finally, after quite a few trips by air this year, have a window seat
- sipping water, because I haven't made it to the staff room yet to make tea
- glad that I don't generally wander out to the kitchen in the mornings in my pj's. It seems my roommate's boyfriend flew in a day early to surprise her, and so the alternative sleeping arrangements we'd arranged for the weekend (he's staying with my parents) couldn't quite be put into effect, and he was sitting and chatting in the kitchen with my other two roommates when I emerged (fully dressed for the day)
- wearing a silver ring with a "blue lace agate" stone in it (that I bought a few weeks back at Lake Louise and really love)
- feeling some joy, some peace, lots of excitement, some fear, and some uncertainty
- wishing (just a little) that I wasn't one of those people who has bizarre dreams really often
- remembering the "Fountain Tire" commercial where the guy gets on the plane dressed for Hawaii, and realizes he's on the wrong plane "goin' to Winnipeg" (makes me laugh, since that's where I'm flying to tomorrow morning)
- going to fight with Best Buy about my ipod, and see if I can get them to replace it a week early, since they've provided absolutely terrible customer service, and it's now been seven weeks that it's been gone, and I'd really like to have an ipod for travelling this weekend.
- going to pick up some money my brother owes me, and a suitcase from my parent's house
- mostly smiling
- sporting really nicely done nails, thanks to a very girly evening last night watching the season premiere of grey's anatomy
- having a hard time getting warm
- really grateful for "George" and how much he's shortened my morning commute to work
- starting to get hungry, and thinking it's time to get on with some work that's sitting on my desk!
See you around!
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Roses
I never liked flowers until recently, but in the last while they've begun to speak to parts of my soul that I never expected. I've flowers - mostly roses - in my bedroom constantly for nearly two months now, and don't see an end to that plan in sight.
My roommate loves the color red, and she took a few photos of some of the current roses in my bedroom tonight. (I have to admit that this is one of my favorite bouquets yet!). I loved the way her photos turned out, and thought I'd share with all of you.
My roommate loves the color red, and she took a few photos of some of the current roses in my bedroom tonight. (I have to admit that this is one of my favorite bouquets yet!). I loved the way her photos turned out, and thought I'd share with all of you.
Thursday
It's Thursday night. Which means the week is almost over. I'm glad for that.
Tonight I have plans to rest and relax. I'm going to decadent girly things like painting my nails for the wedding I'm attending this weekend, giving myself a foot bath, eating chocolate and popcorn (not together), and watching the season premiere of Grey's Anatomy.
I'm missing my best friend. We normally watch Grey's together.
But I'm excited for the weekend, and the chance to see several dear friends while I'm in Winnipeg attending the wedding. I'm looking forward to hugs from some of those who know me best.
One more day of work, and it's a Friday - casual day. I LOVE wearing jeans to work, have I mentioned that in the last week or so? Then an evening of packing, and an early flight on Saturday morning. Here's to a fun weekend coming soon!
Tonight I have plans to rest and relax. I'm going to decadent girly things like painting my nails for the wedding I'm attending this weekend, giving myself a foot bath, eating chocolate and popcorn (not together), and watching the season premiere of Grey's Anatomy.
I'm missing my best friend. We normally watch Grey's together.
But I'm excited for the weekend, and the chance to see several dear friends while I'm in Winnipeg attending the wedding. I'm looking forward to hugs from some of those who know me best.
One more day of work, and it's a Friday - casual day. I LOVE wearing jeans to work, have I mentioned that in the last week or so? Then an evening of packing, and an early flight on Saturday morning. Here's to a fun weekend coming soon!
Thinking about race...
I have to admit that I usually give very little thought to matters of race. I'm not sure I'm giving it a lot of thought now, but two things have made me pause today.
The first was a phone call I answered at work this afternoon.
I gave the client the name of the agent he was trying to locate, and, upon hearing the obviously east indian name, the client inquired "is he a white fella?" when I answered in the negative, the client went on to reply, "oh dear. Does he know anything?" I'll be the first to admit that the particular colleague in question is not one of my favorite people, and is rather unbearable when it comes to inter-office communication, however, he always handles his clients quite professionally, and I quickly assured the client that this was the case, before putting him through.
I've worked in various service industries for a lot of years, and I can definitely say that I've never had a phone call quite like that before.
The second is this article on the God's Politics blog. It would seem that Barack Obama was hung in effigy on a university campus this week. A rather disturbing thought as well.
The first was a phone call I answered at work this afternoon.
I gave the client the name of the agent he was trying to locate, and, upon hearing the obviously east indian name, the client inquired "is he a white fella?" when I answered in the negative, the client went on to reply, "oh dear. Does he know anything?" I'll be the first to admit that the particular colleague in question is not one of my favorite people, and is rather unbearable when it comes to inter-office communication, however, he always handles his clients quite professionally, and I quickly assured the client that this was the case, before putting him through.
I've worked in various service industries for a lot of years, and I can definitely say that I've never had a phone call quite like that before.
The second is this article on the God's Politics blog. It would seem that Barack Obama was hung in effigy on a university campus this week. A rather disturbing thought as well.
Thoughts on Baptism and Eucharist - Henri Nouwen
A few more great thoughts from Henri Nouwen that are catching at me at the moment...
Baptism and Eucharist
Sacraments are very specific events in which God touches us through creation and transforms us into living Christs. The two main sacraments are baptism and the Eucharist. In baptism water is the way to transformation. In the Eucharist it is bread and wine. The most ordinary things in life - water, bread, and wine - become the sacred way by which God comes to us.
These sacraments are actual events. Water, bread, and wine are not simple reminders of God's love; they bring God to us. In baptism we are set free from the slavery of sin and dressed with Christ. In the Eucharist, Christ himself becomes our food and drink.
Baptism: Becoming Children of the Light
When Jesus appears for the last time to his disciples, he sends them out into the world saying: "Go, ... make disciples of all nations; baptise them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit" (Matthew 28:19).
Jesus offers us baptism as the way to enter into communion with God, Father, Son, and Spirit, and to live our lives as God's beloved children. Through baptism we say no to the world. We declare that we no longer want to remain children of the darkness but want to become children of the light, God's children. We do not want to escape the world, but we want to live in it without belonging to it. That is what baptism enables us to do.
Baptism and Eucharist
Sacraments are very specific events in which God touches us through creation and transforms us into living Christs. The two main sacraments are baptism and the Eucharist. In baptism water is the way to transformation. In the Eucharist it is bread and wine. The most ordinary things in life - water, bread, and wine - become the sacred way by which God comes to us.
These sacraments are actual events. Water, bread, and wine are not simple reminders of God's love; they bring God to us. In baptism we are set free from the slavery of sin and dressed with Christ. In the Eucharist, Christ himself becomes our food and drink.
Baptism: Becoming Children of the Light
When Jesus appears for the last time to his disciples, he sends them out into the world saying: "Go, ... make disciples of all nations; baptise them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit" (Matthew 28:19).
Jesus offers us baptism as the way to enter into communion with God, Father, Son, and Spirit, and to live our lives as God's beloved children. Through baptism we say no to the world. We declare that we no longer want to remain children of the darkness but want to become children of the light, God's children. We do not want to escape the world, but we want to live in it without belonging to it. That is what baptism enables us to do.
Pakistan in the News
My best friend M. is currently in Pakistan. She'll be there until May or so, working in a small mission hospital.
Needless to say, I'm following the news from Pakistan more closely these days.
And today, on a day when I'm eagerly anticipating an event we've traditionally shared, I'm thinking about her and praying for her.
And for Pakistan. The latest story to catch my attention can be found here.
Needless to say, I'm following the news from Pakistan more closely these days.
And today, on a day when I'm eagerly anticipating an event we've traditionally shared, I'm thinking about her and praying for her.
And for Pakistan. The latest story to catch my attention can be found here.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Daily Text
I found today's daily text and prayer from the Moravians encouraging...
You shall be called by a new name that the mouth of the Lord will give.Isaiah 62:2
It is no longer I who live, but it is Christ who lives in me. Galatians 2:20
Name us, Lord, and claim us for your own. Have complete authority over us. Call us for your purposes and we will hear you. Do not let our minds or hearts stray from you and we will make this day a living prayer. Amen.
You shall be called by a new name that the mouth of the Lord will give.Isaiah 62:2
It is no longer I who live, but it is Christ who lives in me. Galatians 2:20
Name us, Lord, and claim us for your own. Have complete authority over us. Call us for your purposes and we will hear you. Do not let our minds or hearts stray from you and we will make this day a living prayer. Amen.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Hurting
My heart aches tonight.
I've heard from three of my closest friends in the last day or so, and they're all hurting.
My heart aches with my own ongoing struggles, but also with the pain of those I love.
I re-read one of my favorite passages of scripture last night, just before sleeping, and from it comes the cry of my heart, and the breath of hope for healed lives, and the commitment to continue to press towards Jesus.
I love the LORD, for he heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy.
Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.
(Psalm 116:1-2)
I've heard from three of my closest friends in the last day or so, and they're all hurting.
My heart aches with my own ongoing struggles, but also with the pain of those I love.
I re-read one of my favorite passages of scripture last night, just before sleeping, and from it comes the cry of my heart, and the breath of hope for healed lives, and the commitment to continue to press towards Jesus.
I love the LORD, for he heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy.
Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.
(Psalm 116:1-2)
In the News
Monday, September 22, 2008
Evening
I went to church for the first time in a while tonight, with my brother, and a friend of ours.
I badly needed to meet with Jesus tonight.
I got home from work in a particularly bad mood.
Church was well.. ok.
But I did meet with Jesus, for a few fleeting moments, during the worship set, and again as the church prayed for a family that's been struggling mightily.
It was a non-eventful evening.
Non-eventful, but full.
My thoughts are racing. Not things that are ready for public consumption yet.
Goodnight.
I badly needed to meet with Jesus tonight.
I got home from work in a particularly bad mood.
Church was well.. ok.
But I did meet with Jesus, for a few fleeting moments, during the worship set, and again as the church prayed for a family that's been struggling mightily.
It was a non-eventful evening.
Non-eventful, but full.
My thoughts are racing. Not things that are ready for public consumption yet.
Goodnight.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
We became those people
I have to laugh. It's 2o past nine, and all of us in our house are in our bedrooms, with the doors shut, in bed. At 20 past nine.
We have become the people we used to mock. The ones who are quite young, but insistent on needing rest. "I need rest for work."
ah, well...
I'm okay with being one of those people for the moment!
We have become the people we used to mock. The ones who are quite young, but insistent on needing rest. "I need rest for work."
ah, well...
I'm okay with being one of those people for the moment!
Sunday
It's been a mostly quiet day.
I actually slept a bit last night. It took a while to get there - the fears from the previous night's nightmare were strong - but I eventually got there (and thankfully didn't have any more nightmare's either).
I got the oil changed in my car this morning.
I bought a new nose ring.
I picked up Chinese take-out and ate it curled up on my bed, wrapped in a blanket.
I went out to buy a birthday gift for my dad.
We have a big extended family party tonight. Never my favorite activity. We're celebrating something like 6 birthdays that have happened in the last 6 months or so. We used to be able to get together for all of the birthdays as they happened, but these days we just have two or three big parties a year.
I love my family, but they excel at the fine art of talking about nothing for hours on end. And I find I have little patience for that. But hey, there'll be fantastic food, and probably lots of laughter, and for a few hours I can definitely pretend to be interested in the random minutiae of the life of my grandma's sister's neighbor.
And then, hopefully early to bed, because tomorrow starts another busy week.
I actually slept a bit last night. It took a while to get there - the fears from the previous night's nightmare were strong - but I eventually got there (and thankfully didn't have any more nightmare's either).
I got the oil changed in my car this morning.
I bought a new nose ring.
I picked up Chinese take-out and ate it curled up on my bed, wrapped in a blanket.
I went out to buy a birthday gift for my dad.
We have a big extended family party tonight. Never my favorite activity. We're celebrating something like 6 birthdays that have happened in the last 6 months or so. We used to be able to get together for all of the birthdays as they happened, but these days we just have two or three big parties a year.
I love my family, but they excel at the fine art of talking about nothing for hours on end. And I find I have little patience for that. But hey, there'll be fantastic food, and probably lots of laughter, and for a few hours I can definitely pretend to be interested in the random minutiae of the life of my grandma's sister's neighbor.
And then, hopefully early to bed, because tomorrow starts another busy week.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Quiet Saturday
This has been a relatively good day.
I wasn't sure that would be the case. I woke out of the most vivid, violent and brutal nightmare I've had in quite some time.
Tea helped.
Dressing myself in clothes I loved, and putting on make-up helped.
Accomplishing all but one of the errands on my weekend list, and finding some surprise bargains in the mix helped.
Making a few pages in a scrapbook-style book of quotes that I keep helped.
Making a very cool pair of earrings (pewter look swallows) helped.
Errands with one of my roommates helped.
And now, we're waiting for a snack to finish heating up. When our other roommate gets home from her day of hiking, we're going to go our for dinner someplace. J and I have decided that cooking is overrated, and we'd had plans to do something as roommates for a week or so anyway. We're thinking Greek food. There's a Greek restaurant near our house that we've been wanting to try.
Here's to an unexpected, quiet, and restful Saturday, and to hoping tomorrow brings more of the same (minus the nightmare of course!).
I wasn't sure that would be the case. I woke out of the most vivid, violent and brutal nightmare I've had in quite some time.
Tea helped.
Dressing myself in clothes I loved, and putting on make-up helped.
Accomplishing all but one of the errands on my weekend list, and finding some surprise bargains in the mix helped.
Making a few pages in a scrapbook-style book of quotes that I keep helped.
Making a very cool pair of earrings (pewter look swallows) helped.
Errands with one of my roommates helped.
And now, we're waiting for a snack to finish heating up. When our other roommate gets home from her day of hiking, we're going to go our for dinner someplace. J and I have decided that cooking is overrated, and we'd had plans to do something as roommates for a week or so anyway. We're thinking Greek food. There's a Greek restaurant near our house that we've been wanting to try.
Here's to an unexpected, quiet, and restful Saturday, and to hoping tomorrow brings more of the same (minus the nightmare of course!).
Thursday, September 18, 2008
A Challenging Mission
I've been reading parts of Matthew in Eugene Peterson's "The Message" paraphrase the last few days, and I find myself challenged by these thoughts and words, from and about Jesus. (The copy I'm reading from is an old one, without verse numbers, so I'm not going to include the references for you, but just some of the bits and pieces that are catching at me.) They present an interesting sort of mission statement - for Jesus, but also for those of us who have chosen to follow him.
"Let me tell you why you are here. You're here to be salt-seasoning that brings out the God flavors of this earth."
"Here's another way to put it: You're here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world."
"Be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven."
"When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, fro then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves."
"In a word, what I'm saying is, GROW UP. You're kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives towards you."
"Find a quiet, secluded place so you won't be tempted to role-play before God. Just be there as simply and honestly as you can manage. The focus will shift from you to God, and you will begin to sense his grace."
"Your eyes are windows into your body. If you open your eyes wide in wonder and belief, your body fills up with light. If you live squinty-eyed in greed and distrust, your body is a dank cellar. If you pull the blinds on your windows, what a dark life you will have!"
"Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met."
"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."
"Don't be flip with the sacred."
"Don't bargain with God. Be direct. Ask for what you need."
"First things first. Your business is life, not death. Follow me. Pursue life."
"He taught in their meeting places, reported kingdom news, and healed their diseased bodies, healed their bruised and hurt lives."
"Don't begin by traveling to some faroff place to convert unbelievers. And don't try to be dramatic by tackling some public enemy. Go to the lost, confused people right here in the neighborhood. Tell them that the kingdom is here. Bring health to the sick. Raise the dead. Touch the untouchables. Kick out the demons. You have been treated generously, so live generously."
"Let me tell you why you are here. You're here to be salt-seasoning that brings out the God flavors of this earth."
"Here's another way to put it: You're here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world."
"Be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven."
"When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, fro then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves."
"In a word, what I'm saying is, GROW UP. You're kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives towards you."
"Find a quiet, secluded place so you won't be tempted to role-play before God. Just be there as simply and honestly as you can manage. The focus will shift from you to God, and you will begin to sense his grace."
"Your eyes are windows into your body. If you open your eyes wide in wonder and belief, your body fills up with light. If you live squinty-eyed in greed and distrust, your body is a dank cellar. If you pull the blinds on your windows, what a dark life you will have!"
"Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met."
"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."
"Don't be flip with the sacred."
"Don't bargain with God. Be direct. Ask for what you need."
"First things first. Your business is life, not death. Follow me. Pursue life."
"He taught in their meeting places, reported kingdom news, and healed their diseased bodies, healed their bruised and hurt lives."
"Don't begin by traveling to some faroff place to convert unbelievers. And don't try to be dramatic by tackling some public enemy. Go to the lost, confused people right here in the neighborhood. Tell them that the kingdom is here. Bring health to the sick. Raise the dead. Touch the untouchables. Kick out the demons. You have been treated generously, so live generously."
Feeling Better
I'm doing a bit better.
It's amazing to me sometimes what a really simple sense of having accomplished something can do for my mood.
I came home from work and made a list. All the things that need to get done that I've let slide because of the exhaustion and illness that have consumed so much of the last week.
I cooked dinner for myself and my roommates.
I worked through 2/3 of my list, and have the rest sorted into a couple of errands that need to be run tomorrow after work.
I've chatted with a friend.
I made the decision that's been bugging me for the last week or two. (the dreams I had last night, unsettling though they were, gave me an odd sense of peace about making this particular decision.) It feels good to have it off my chest.
And now? I'm eating a slice of blackforest cake (one of my favorites) left over from a weekend splurge, and then I'm headed for the shower.
After a nice hot shower, my plan is to curl up in bed with my bible, journal, and the book I'm currently reading and read for a while. Then I'm going to finish watching an episode of The West Wing and head for what will hopefully be an early bedtime.
Tomorrow is Friday. I like Friday's more than other days, not only because they proceed the weekend, but because I can wear jeans to work.
And George is saving me nearly an hour a day in commuting time this week, so that's fantastic too.
It's amazing to me sometimes what a really simple sense of having accomplished something can do for my mood.
I came home from work and made a list. All the things that need to get done that I've let slide because of the exhaustion and illness that have consumed so much of the last week.
I cooked dinner for myself and my roommates.
I worked through 2/3 of my list, and have the rest sorted into a couple of errands that need to be run tomorrow after work.
I've chatted with a friend.
I made the decision that's been bugging me for the last week or two. (the dreams I had last night, unsettling though they were, gave me an odd sense of peace about making this particular decision.) It feels good to have it off my chest.
And now? I'm eating a slice of blackforest cake (one of my favorites) left over from a weekend splurge, and then I'm headed for the shower.
After a nice hot shower, my plan is to curl up in bed with my bible, journal, and the book I'm currently reading and read for a while. Then I'm going to finish watching an episode of The West Wing and head for what will hopefully be an early bedtime.
Tomorrow is Friday. I like Friday's more than other days, not only because they proceed the weekend, but because I can wear jeans to work.
And George is saving me nearly an hour a day in commuting time this week, so that's fantastic too.
The Feeling's Mutual
Oh my. I may not be a pastor, but boy do I relate to this particular cartoon at the Naked Pastor today. Have I ever been dealing with that whole ball of self-love wax lately (and all the lies that have gone with it for years in my life.)
I'm glad that Jesus listens, and then reminds me that he not only loves me, he likes me, and desires my company.
Wow.
Not always something I can fully believe, but oh, am I working to keep believing it.
Especially on days like yesterday and today.
I'm glad that Jesus listens, and then reminds me that he not only loves me, he likes me, and desires my company.
Wow.
Not always something I can fully believe, but oh, am I working to keep believing it.
Especially on days like yesterday and today.
Tired, and Waiting
I feel a little bit like I've put parts of my life on hold this last week or so, while I've tried to make a decision.
I still haven't made it.
I'm lonely.
And exhausted.
Some people have bad Mondays. It seems lately that my Wednesdays and Thursdays are really rough. By Wednesday night I'm exhausted physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually, and it becomes a far bigger battle to fight off the fears, the lies, the things I know are unhealthy. They get bigger and more overwhelming, and I descend more easily into confusion and darkness.
I had odd dreams again last night. Things that seem significant, though I can't for the life of me imagine why.
I feel a bit defeated.
And quite ill again.
A friend sent me an email this morning - one line stood out - something she'd written about her own life, but equally true to mine. "something has to change"
Not sure what that change will be.
For now though, I keep repeating to myself:
I choose life.
This is the day that the Lord has made I will (somehow) rejoice and be glad in it.
I still haven't made it.
I'm lonely.
And exhausted.
Some people have bad Mondays. It seems lately that my Wednesdays and Thursdays are really rough. By Wednesday night I'm exhausted physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually, and it becomes a far bigger battle to fight off the fears, the lies, the things I know are unhealthy. They get bigger and more overwhelming, and I descend more easily into confusion and darkness.
I had odd dreams again last night. Things that seem significant, though I can't for the life of me imagine why.
I feel a bit defeated.
And quite ill again.
A friend sent me an email this morning - one line stood out - something she'd written about her own life, but equally true to mine. "something has to change"
Not sure what that change will be.
For now though, I keep repeating to myself:
I choose life.
This is the day that the Lord has made I will (somehow) rejoice and be glad in it.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Long Day
This was a very long day.
I wondered at times, again, if there is something about me that compels certain people to treat me like a particularly stupid and incompetent child. And then I wondered if I was just bumping into people particularly unskilled in the realm of dealing with people, or maybe just the "old boys club" mentality.
I had a particularly difficult conversation with someone today. A frank, honest, but difficult conversation, about a range of topics. The person shared some things with me that surprised me. The people who choose to confide things of a particularly personal nature in me always surprise me. And the things I talked about with this person were difficult too. Less personal and more professional in nature, but still difficult.
After work I came home briefly to change clothes, and then headed to my parents house for dinner. It was my middle brother's 23rd birthday today. Joel just moved out of our parent's home at the beginning of September, and my parents invited our immediate family, Joel's girlfriend, and his three roommates (all long-time good friends of his) for dinner. They are a boisterous crowd - full of humor and joy. We laughed a lot.
And now I'm home, already in my pajamas and in bed, at 9:30 p.m.
I've been around people all day - more at work than usual, and then an evening filled with my extroverted brother and his friends.
I felt lonely in the midst of a crowd.
I am missing dear friends scattered around the country and the globe. I miss the people who really "see" me. Those people with whom it is safe to be fully myself. There aren't many left in Calgary - maybe none at all right now.
I'm lonely, and tired and emotional.
I think my body is still recovering from being ill for most of the week. Today is the first day in a week that I've eaten two full meals, plus some snacks.
A little bit of scripture (I'm still fasting from novels, or I'd lose myself in one for a while). And then bed. Early to bed I hope.
Goodnight.
I wondered at times, again, if there is something about me that compels certain people to treat me like a particularly stupid and incompetent child. And then I wondered if I was just bumping into people particularly unskilled in the realm of dealing with people, or maybe just the "old boys club" mentality.
I had a particularly difficult conversation with someone today. A frank, honest, but difficult conversation, about a range of topics. The person shared some things with me that surprised me. The people who choose to confide things of a particularly personal nature in me always surprise me. And the things I talked about with this person were difficult too. Less personal and more professional in nature, but still difficult.
After work I came home briefly to change clothes, and then headed to my parents house for dinner. It was my middle brother's 23rd birthday today. Joel just moved out of our parent's home at the beginning of September, and my parents invited our immediate family, Joel's girlfriend, and his three roommates (all long-time good friends of his) for dinner. They are a boisterous crowd - full of humor and joy. We laughed a lot.
And now I'm home, already in my pajamas and in bed, at 9:30 p.m.
I've been around people all day - more at work than usual, and then an evening filled with my extroverted brother and his friends.
I felt lonely in the midst of a crowd.
I am missing dear friends scattered around the country and the globe. I miss the people who really "see" me. Those people with whom it is safe to be fully myself. There aren't many left in Calgary - maybe none at all right now.
I'm lonely, and tired and emotional.
I think my body is still recovering from being ill for most of the week. Today is the first day in a week that I've eaten two full meals, plus some snacks.
A little bit of scripture (I'm still fasting from novels, or I'd lose myself in one for a while). And then bed. Early to bed I hope.
Goodnight.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Smile List
Because I could use the reminders of things that make me thankful tonight, things that make me smile...
- mango body scrub from the body shop
- keeping a full meal down for the first time in almost a week
- homemade chocolate chip cookies
- mandarin oranges from the grocery store
- sheepskin lined slippers
- warm pajamas
- beautiful fall weather
- commutes to work via George instead of the train
- plans to rest in bed and read some Psalms tonight
- plans for an early bedtime
- the West Wing on dvd
- the season premiere of House
He was 21
Calgary bid farewell to the latest local soldier to be killed in the ongoing conflict in Afghanistan yesterday.
This one hit closer to home for me.
He was young, falling between my two younger brothers. And he attended the same high school that they did, in our neighborhood. I don't know if they knew him, or knew of him. It doesn't really matter all that much to me.
He was just a year older than my baby brother.
But what really catches my attention is the tattoo emblazoned across his back. The one of which countless pictures have appeared in the local media this last week. "For Those I Love I Will Sacrifice."
A life statement of sorts. A powerful one. One that challenges me. And one that becomes that much more poignant given that this young man gave his life serving his country.
This one hit closer to home for me.
He was young, falling between my two younger brothers. And he attended the same high school that they did, in our neighborhood. I don't know if they knew him, or knew of him. It doesn't really matter all that much to me.
He was just a year older than my baby brother.
But what really catches my attention is the tattoo emblazoned across his back. The one of which countless pictures have appeared in the local media this last week. "For Those I Love I Will Sacrifice."
A life statement of sorts. A powerful one. One that challenges me. And one that becomes that much more poignant given that this young man gave his life serving his country.
Monday, September 15, 2008
In the news...
It's been a while since I listed the headlines that were catching my attention, but here are a few:
Pope Holds Huge Mass in Lourdes
Rwandans Vote for New Parliament
Kampala's "Preacher Boy"
Haven't We Seen This Election Before?
Pope Holds Huge Mass in Lourdes
Rwandans Vote for New Parliament
Kampala's "Preacher Boy"
Haven't We Seen This Election Before?
Sunday, September 14, 2008
The Question
I suppose it was inevitable. I've been expecting it for at least a few months now - ever since I made the decision to take the summer off church, and made it clear that I would likely not be returning to the church I grew up in. THE QUESTION. It came somewhat unexpectedly from my mom as we were chatting on the phone this afternoon. She wanted to know what I'd done with my day, and I'd filled her in. Then, she asked "So, are you attending church somewhere?"
Not yet. I'll start looking soon, in fact I visited one option a few weeks back. But I haven't chosen a church community to "call home" yet.
And yet, that question had the power to make me feel quite guilty. That "I don't quite measure up to my parent's expectations" sinking feeling.
And then I remembered the slow lazy start to the morning... laying in bed and talking with Jesus about life, and about friends near and far.
I remembered driving to the farmer's market, buying one item, and beginning to get that inner "prompting" feeling that I'm slowly becoming familiar with to go to the zoo.
I remembered driving home to stow my farmer's market purchase in the refrigerator, and grab my camera, and then climbing back into George and heading for the zoo.
I remembered being so thankful for God's provision of a car as I drove to the zoo, and telling him so.
I remembered the sun on my face as I walked into the grounds of the zoo.
I remembered watching the inquisitive children, and then parents who didn't want to take the time for their children to interact with the things they'd spotted, and realizing that God has been so patient with my many questions and ranting these past weeks.
I remembered the delight of watching a tiny baby gorilla play in it's enclosure, and then, when it had wandered just a bit too far, be scooped up by it's mother and cuddled to itself. The deep joy that came as I sat surrounded by families and small children, and watched this adorable little animal, the size of an eight or nine month old human child wander in the enclosure.
I remembered that I am again beginning to feel delight in creation.
I remembered watching the sparrows play in the trees, and humming "his eye is on the sparrow, and I know he watches me..." as I walked back to my car.
I remembered the challenge of another set of song lyrics as I drove home.
And I realized that I met with Jesus in a myriad of life-giving ways, simply by going to the zoo for an hour this morning.
I choose life.
This is a day to remember in the future, on the low days.
There were many gifts of life within it.
Not yet. I'll start looking soon, in fact I visited one option a few weeks back. But I haven't chosen a church community to "call home" yet.
And yet, that question had the power to make me feel quite guilty. That "I don't quite measure up to my parent's expectations" sinking feeling.
And then I remembered the slow lazy start to the morning... laying in bed and talking with Jesus about life, and about friends near and far.
I remembered driving to the farmer's market, buying one item, and beginning to get that inner "prompting" feeling that I'm slowly becoming familiar with to go to the zoo.
I remembered driving home to stow my farmer's market purchase in the refrigerator, and grab my camera, and then climbing back into George and heading for the zoo.
I remembered being so thankful for God's provision of a car as I drove to the zoo, and telling him so.
I remembered the sun on my face as I walked into the grounds of the zoo.
I remembered watching the inquisitive children, and then parents who didn't want to take the time for their children to interact with the things they'd spotted, and realizing that God has been so patient with my many questions and ranting these past weeks.
I remembered the delight of watching a tiny baby gorilla play in it's enclosure, and then, when it had wandered just a bit too far, be scooped up by it's mother and cuddled to itself. The deep joy that came as I sat surrounded by families and small children, and watched this adorable little animal, the size of an eight or nine month old human child wander in the enclosure.
I remembered that I am again beginning to feel delight in creation.
I remembered watching the sparrows play in the trees, and humming "his eye is on the sparrow, and I know he watches me..." as I walked back to my car.
I remembered the challenge of another set of song lyrics as I drove home.
And I realized that I met with Jesus in a myriad of life-giving ways, simply by going to the zoo for an hour this morning.
I choose life.
This is a day to remember in the future, on the low days.
There were many gifts of life within it.
Sunday Morning
It's Sunday morning, and I have the house to myself for most of the day. That doesn't happen very often these days, and it's SO exciting! One roommate is visiting her out of town boyfriend, and the other one went hiking for the day.
So, what, you ask, am I doing with this freedom? Well, at the moment I'm lazing about in bed, writing a blog post.
I sent a few emails - one to my best friend, who I'm rather missing at the moment, but who I finally heard has arrived safely in Pakistan at the hospital where she's spending the next 8 months.
I've surfed the net a little.
Actually, I have plans to take George out for a bit and head to the farmer's market, and then, later I'm going to work on an art project. Should be good times.
Reading, quiet. Maybe a long hot bath. Maybe a bit of work in our yard.
Oh, and some groceries. I need to pick up some groceries later.
Basically, a quiet, unplanned day. They're my favorite sort.
So, what, you ask, am I doing with this freedom? Well, at the moment I'm lazing about in bed, writing a blog post.
I sent a few emails - one to my best friend, who I'm rather missing at the moment, but who I finally heard has arrived safely in Pakistan at the hospital where she's spending the next 8 months.
I've surfed the net a little.
Actually, I have plans to take George out for a bit and head to the farmer's market, and then, later I'm going to work on an art project. Should be good times.
Reading, quiet. Maybe a long hot bath. Maybe a bit of work in our yard.
Oh, and some groceries. I need to pick up some groceries later.
Basically, a quiet, unplanned day. They're my favorite sort.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
George
This is George. I named him in memory of one particularly odd afternoon in April, when one of my roommates and I needed some emotional release pretty badly, and went out to get cheesecake and then settled in for an afternoon of mindless laughter watching "George of the Jungle" on dvd.George is my new ride. My first car ever. I purchased him this morning for a very good price.
He's rather a provision from God - price and timing. I'd been having a bit of a hard-time since our move with feeling quite housebound, as our new house isn't nearly as accessible to public transit as our old place.
George is a gift that came at just the right time. And he'll bring me the freedom to get the places I need to go, and sometimes, just to be out of the city and breathe a bit.
So tonight, my smile list has one very large silver item on it, named George.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Images
A few images from this past year. Remembering the good things in the midst of the hard. And clinging to the moments when Jesus spoke.
I choose life.
I choose life.
Caught by this...
Just read these articles...
Child Murder Claim Shocks Israeli's
Israel river body is missing rose
oddly caught and moved by this. this tiny blue-eyed girl named Rose.
praying.
Child Murder Claim Shocks Israeli's
Israel river body is missing rose
oddly caught and moved by this. this tiny blue-eyed girl named Rose.
praying.
Laughing
I've spent an evening watching television and relaxing.
Laughing at the brides trying to choose wedding dresses on "Say Yes to the Dress".
Enjoying "What Not to Wear." (yes, a guilty Friday night pleasure.)
I managed to eat and keep down some food.
Shortly I'll head for my bedroom, and do some scripture reading before bed. A friend suggested some Psalms yesterday, and I want to re-read them again today, and maybe a bit more.
And tomorrow.
I've got big plans for tomorrow.
Life changing sorts of plans.
Details then!
Laughing at the brides trying to choose wedding dresses on "Say Yes to the Dress".
Enjoying "What Not to Wear." (yes, a guilty Friday night pleasure.)
I managed to eat and keep down some food.
Shortly I'll head for my bedroom, and do some scripture reading before bed. A friend suggested some Psalms yesterday, and I want to re-read them again today, and maybe a bit more.
And tomorrow.
I've got big plans for tomorrow.
Life changing sorts of plans.
Details then!
Voices Heard
Some quotes and things from various emails I've received in the last few weeks...
Jesus calls to himself those who are overburdened and offers them rest, but he does not blunt the cutting edge of his demands.
-Thaddee Matura (Franciscan scholar and theologian)
If we want to go deeper, however, desiring that as God's people we will grow together toward maturity, we must care enough to confront.
-Isabelo Magalit (Filipina theologian)
Trust in the Lord forever, for in the Lord God you have an everlasting rock. Isaiah 26:4
The church...cannot be content to play the part of a nurse looking after the casualties of the system. It must play an active part both in challenging the present unjust structures and in pioneering alternatives.
-Donald Dorr (Catholic missionary priest)
The only dream worth having... is to dream that you will live while you're alive and die only when you're dead... To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest place. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or to complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never to forget.
-Arundhati Roy (From her book, The Algebra of Infinite Justice)
Jesus calls to himself those who are overburdened and offers them rest, but he does not blunt the cutting edge of his demands.
-Thaddee Matura (Franciscan scholar and theologian)
If we want to go deeper, however, desiring that as God's people we will grow together toward maturity, we must care enough to confront.
-Isabelo Magalit (Filipina theologian)
Trust in the Lord forever, for in the Lord God you have an everlasting rock. Isaiah 26:4
The church...cannot be content to play the part of a nurse looking after the casualties of the system. It must play an active part both in challenging the present unjust structures and in pioneering alternatives.
-Donald Dorr (Catholic missionary priest)
Sometimes put yourself very simply before God, certain of his presence everywhere, and without any effort, whisper very softly to his sacred heart whatever your own heart prompts you to say
- St. Jeanne de Chantal (co-founder of the Order of the Visitation, 1572-1641)The only dream worth having... is to dream that you will live while you're alive and die only when you're dead... To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest place. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or to complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never to forget.
-Arundhati Roy (From her book, The Algebra of Infinite Justice)
Still Resting
At the moment I'm propped against pillows in bed, with another pillow under my knees. I've managed to keep a little bit of food down.
I've only been out of bed for about 3 hours in the last forty. But I'm starting to feel a bit better.
I've had a lot of time to simply relax. To rest. To sleep. To think.
I've needed this time.
And while being ill has been miserable, I think I'm glad for the chance to rest.
I've only been out of bed for about 3 hours in the last forty. But I'm starting to feel a bit better.
I've had a lot of time to simply relax. To rest. To sleep. To think.
I've needed this time.
And while being ill has been miserable, I think I'm glad for the chance to rest.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
No-Man's Land
I've been inhabiting this weird space for a couple of weeks now. Since I had a major emotional crash nearly two weeks ago.
This space that exists between life and death. This space that exists between well and unwell. This space that exists between joy and depression. This space that exists between blessings and curses.
No-man's land. Uninhabitable, and with what seem to be guns from either side pointed at me.
I've inhabited it through late night conversations with a dear friend (who's been very patient and gentle in pushing me towards life, and being well, and joy and blessing.)
I feel toxic again. Like just being around me or talking to me leaches life and joy from others. And I find myself wondering if I shouldn't just hole up alone until this sorts itself out. If I shouldn't avoid the very conversations I long for in the midst of this space where I feel so alone and helpless and angry and hurt.
I'm home sick from work today. Two weeks of this finally caught up with me and shut my body down entirely. I was up sick most of the night. It's now noon, and I'm just beginning to think about possibly getting out of bed. I drifted in and out of sleep for most of the morning, just glad that I wasn't anywhere where I was required to put on a happy face, to keep up the charade of wholeness.
I'm broken.
And alone. In no-man's land. Which is not exactly a place known for it's safety.
I'm not certain how to move forward from here.
The tears simply flow down my cheeks. Over and over and over again.
I don't know what to do with the questions that haunt me. I've asked more than one friend to defend Christ to me - something I've been asked to do in the past and always hated. Over and over I'm reminded to "just believe" - the voice of friends, and maybe even Jesus running through my head. I don't know how to come to Him without setting my mind aside. I don't know how to set my mind aside. And part of me says that if the questions exist, they must be valid, that they should be honored. And the other part says "just believe".
And so I exist here in no-man's land.
And the only thing I can think to do is to say over and over again:
I hurt. I want to be well. I choose life.
Pray, God, it works.
This space that exists between life and death. This space that exists between well and unwell. This space that exists between joy and depression. This space that exists between blessings and curses.
No-man's land. Uninhabitable, and with what seem to be guns from either side pointed at me.
I've inhabited it through late night conversations with a dear friend (who's been very patient and gentle in pushing me towards life, and being well, and joy and blessing.)
I feel toxic again. Like just being around me or talking to me leaches life and joy from others. And I find myself wondering if I shouldn't just hole up alone until this sorts itself out. If I shouldn't avoid the very conversations I long for in the midst of this space where I feel so alone and helpless and angry and hurt.
I'm home sick from work today. Two weeks of this finally caught up with me and shut my body down entirely. I was up sick most of the night. It's now noon, and I'm just beginning to think about possibly getting out of bed. I drifted in and out of sleep for most of the morning, just glad that I wasn't anywhere where I was required to put on a happy face, to keep up the charade of wholeness.
I'm broken.
And alone. In no-man's land. Which is not exactly a place known for it's safety.
I'm not certain how to move forward from here.
The tears simply flow down my cheeks. Over and over and over again.
I don't know what to do with the questions that haunt me. I've asked more than one friend to defend Christ to me - something I've been asked to do in the past and always hated. Over and over I'm reminded to "just believe" - the voice of friends, and maybe even Jesus running through my head. I don't know how to come to Him without setting my mind aside. I don't know how to set my mind aside. And part of me says that if the questions exist, they must be valid, that they should be honored. And the other part says "just believe".
And so I exist here in no-man's land.
And the only thing I can think to do is to say over and over again:
I hurt. I want to be well. I choose life.
Pray, God, it works.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
On Repeat
Over and over and over again. I need to keep saying this, in the midst of the dark places...
I choose life.
“Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, so that you and your descendants might live!" (Deuteronomy 30:19)
I want to be well.
When Jesus saw him and knew he had been ill for a long time, he asked him,“Would you like to get well?” (John 5:6)
I choose life. I want to be well. I choose life. I want to be well.
I choose life.
“Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, so that you and your descendants might live!" (Deuteronomy 30:19)
I want to be well.
When Jesus saw him and knew he had been ill for a long time, he asked him,
I choose life. I want to be well. I choose life. I want to be well.
Still
Still quiet.
Still tired.
Still waiting.
Still praying.
Still listening and loving.
Just still.
(Be still and know that I am God...)
Still tired.
Still waiting.
Still praying.
Still listening and loving.
Just still.
(Be still and know that I am God...)
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
Listening and Waiting
This has been an oddly off-kilter sort of day.
The kind of day where things poke at the edges of your conciousness but never quite become clear.
The kind of day where your body aches, and you're just not sure why.
Where things seen and things heard just don't seem to fit together.
Where I wake from dreams, and move, unsettled, into the day.
Where I listen and wait and pray.
For myself.
And for those I love.
The kind of day where things poke at the edges of your conciousness but never quite become clear.
The kind of day where your body aches, and you're just not sure why.
Where things seen and things heard just don't seem to fit together.
Where I wake from dreams, and move, unsettled, into the day.
Where I listen and wait and pray.
For myself.
And for those I love.
Looking Back and Being Encouraged
I was re-reading some older blog posts, and this one caught my attention today. I remember so clearly the struggle it describes, and, in some ways, needed the encouragement from that particular passage of scripture that was so encouraging three years ago again today.
More on Choosing Life from Henri
More great thoughts arrived by email the last several days from the Henri Nouwen society...
Speaking Words of Love
Often we remain silent when we need to speak. Without words, it is hard to love well. When we say to our parents, children, lovers, or friends: "I love you very much" or "I care for you" or "I think of you often" or "You are my greatest gift," we choose to give life.
It is not always easy to express our love directly in words. But whenever we do, we discover we have offered a blessing that will be long remembered. When a son can say to his father, "Dad, I love you," and when a mother can say to her daughter, "Child, I love you," a whole new blessed place can be opened up, a space where it is good to dwell. Indeed, words have the power to create life.
Blessing One Another
To bless means to say good things. We have to bless one another constantly. Parents need to bless their children, children their parents, husbands their wives, wives their husbands, friends their friends. In our society, so full of curses, we must fill each place we enter with our blessings. We forget so quickly that we are God's beloved children and allow the many curses of our world to darken our hearts. Therefore we have to be reminded of our belovedness and remind others of theirs. Whether the blessing is given in words or with gestures, in a solemn or an informal way, our lives need to be blessed lives.
Choosing the Blessings
It is an ongoing temptation to think of ourselves as living under a curse. The loss of a friend, an illness, an accident, a natural disaster, a war, or any failure can make us quickly think that we are no good and are being punished. This temptation to think of our lives as full of curses is even greater when all the media present us day after day with stories about human misery.
Jesus came to bless us, not to curse us. But we must choose to receive that blessing and hand it on to others. Blessings and curses are always placed in front of us. We are free to choose. God says, Choose the blessings!
Speaking Words of Love
Often we remain silent when we need to speak. Without words, it is hard to love well. When we say to our parents, children, lovers, or friends: "I love you very much" or "I care for you" or "I think of you often" or "You are my greatest gift," we choose to give life.
It is not always easy to express our love directly in words. But whenever we do, we discover we have offered a blessing that will be long remembered. When a son can say to his father, "Dad, I love you," and when a mother can say to her daughter, "Child, I love you," a whole new blessed place can be opened up, a space where it is good to dwell. Indeed, words have the power to create life.
Blessing One Another
To bless means to say good things. We have to bless one another constantly. Parents need to bless their children, children their parents, husbands their wives, wives their husbands, friends their friends. In our society, so full of curses, we must fill each place we enter with our blessings. We forget so quickly that we are God's beloved children and allow the many curses of our world to darken our hearts. Therefore we have to be reminded of our belovedness and remind others of theirs. Whether the blessing is given in words or with gestures, in a solemn or an informal way, our lives need to be blessed lives.
Choosing the Blessings
It is an ongoing temptation to think of ourselves as living under a curse. The loss of a friend, an illness, an accident, a natural disaster, a war, or any failure can make us quickly think that we are no good and are being punished. This temptation to think of our lives as full of curses is even greater when all the media present us day after day with stories about human misery.
Jesus came to bless us, not to curse us. But we must choose to receive that blessing and hand it on to others. Blessings and curses are always placed in front of us. We are free to choose. God says, Choose the blessings!
Sunday, September 07, 2008
Yesterday
This is yesterday... in images...
At Lake Louise
At Lake Louise
Because I loved this quote.
Wet Feet... a memory and a ritual of sorts
Minnewanka. Raining.
Smile List - September 7 Edition
Here is the list of things making me smile today. The things I love, and am thankful for.
- hot pink crocs that were a Christmas gift from my brothers a few years back, and that I pulled out of my closet this morning to use as convenient shoes to keep by our back door for tramping to and from the back yard and garbage bins in the alley.
- cozy Winnie the Pooh slipper socks
- the smell of banana bread baking in my kitchen
- a morning of enjoying the house to myself while my roommates are at church and running errands
- an unexpected phone call from a friend who was part of a really hard conversation a week ago, wanting to know how I was doing, how my heart was, and "was I choosing life?"
- a long list of things that I've accomplished around our house this morning, including, baking, washing dishes, sweeping and mopping the kitchen, sweeping the living room and my bedroom, canceling my cable service in favor of better service from a new company, and taking the garbage out. I never want to start cleaning, but always draw great satisfaction from doing it once I get started.
- the Mamma Mia movie soundtrack (an itunes purchase this morning) playing LOUDLY in my house while I baked and cleaned.
- singing along, and maybe even dancing (shock! horror!) a little to the aforementioned soundtrack, particularly "Mamma Mia" and "Dancing Queen" while cleaning and baking.
- 2 dozen red roses, still hanging in there, in my bedroom
- house plants
- that the cable installation from the new company didn't take as long this morning as they warned me it might, thus effectively giving me a morning alone at home
- a ring I bought in Lake Louise yesterday
- a medal with Clare of Assisi around my neck on a pretty white gold chain
- plans to spend the afternoon doing some more stuff that needs to be accomplished around my house, reading scripture, maybe taking a bath, and probably taking a nap.
- bottled water
- an emerald in my nose ring today
Saturday, September 06, 2008
Mountains
When you live in the part of the world I live in, it's fairly inevitable that you spend at least some time in the mountains as you're growing up.
I've always loved the mountains - I learned to meet God in creation when I spent time in them. Even during the years of depression, a day of hiking, or simply driving and spending time in the mountains could lift my spirits.
Until recently. The last couple of trips I've made out to the mountains have been pretty hard on me. And suddenly, I've had absolutely no desire to be in the places my heart has loved for years. In fact, the times have been so hard on me that I've been afraid to be in the mountains - wondering if it was simply the atmosphere of the places I visited that made it so difficult to enjoy what I'd always loved.
I'm going to the mountains today. And to be honest, I'm dreading it a bit. I'm serving as the driver of a rental car that will take myself, one of my roommate's, and a houseguest who's been staying with us for about a week to the mountains. Those of you who know me well will know that the fact that I'm driving is making it that much harder for me to do this.
But I'm going to do it. And I'm hopefully going to meet with Jesus. They're planning a two hour hike that my energy levels right now won't allow me to do. So I'll be sitting in the car and sleeping or reading. Or sitting in a hotel by a beautiful mountain lake and sipping tea and writing, or (if the weather permits) simply sitting by the lake.
I don't like being afraid of the places my heart loves.
So, as much as I'm laying here in bed, getting ready to get up and go pick up the rental car, and fighting panic, I'm going to do this.
I've always loved the mountains - I learned to meet God in creation when I spent time in them. Even during the years of depression, a day of hiking, or simply driving and spending time in the mountains could lift my spirits.
Until recently. The last couple of trips I've made out to the mountains have been pretty hard on me. And suddenly, I've had absolutely no desire to be in the places my heart has loved for years. In fact, the times have been so hard on me that I've been afraid to be in the mountains - wondering if it was simply the atmosphere of the places I visited that made it so difficult to enjoy what I'd always loved.
I'm going to the mountains today. And to be honest, I'm dreading it a bit. I'm serving as the driver of a rental car that will take myself, one of my roommate's, and a houseguest who's been staying with us for about a week to the mountains. Those of you who know me well will know that the fact that I'm driving is making it that much harder for me to do this.
But I'm going to do it. And I'm hopefully going to meet with Jesus. They're planning a two hour hike that my energy levels right now won't allow me to do. So I'll be sitting in the car and sleeping or reading. Or sitting in a hotel by a beautiful mountain lake and sipping tea and writing, or (if the weather permits) simply sitting by the lake.
I don't like being afraid of the places my heart loves.
So, as much as I'm laying here in bed, getting ready to get up and go pick up the rental car, and fighting panic, I'm going to do this.
Friday, September 05, 2008
Choosing Words Wisely - Choosing Life
another thought from Henri Nouwen:
Choosing Words Wisely
Words are very important. When we say to someone: "You are an ugly, useless, despicable person," we might have ruined the possibility for a relationship with that person for life. Words can continue to do harm for many years.
It is so important to choose our words wisely. When we are boiling with anger and eager to throw bitter words at our opponents, it is better to remain silent. Words spoken in rage will make reconciliation very hard. Choosing life and not death, blessings and not curses often starts by choosing to remain silent or choosing carefully the words that open the way to healing.
Choosing Words Wisely
Words are very important. When we say to someone: "You are an ugly, useless, despicable person," we might have ruined the possibility for a relationship with that person for life. Words can continue to do harm for many years.
It is so important to choose our words wisely. When we are boiling with anger and eager to throw bitter words at our opponents, it is better to remain silent. Words spoken in rage will make reconciliation very hard. Choosing life and not death, blessings and not curses often starts by choosing to remain silent or choosing carefully the words that open the way to healing.
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Smile List - Thursday Afternoon Edition
Been needing this all day, but only now finding the time to sit down and write one.
These are the things that I love, that I'm thankful for, that are making me smile right now:
These are the things that I love, that I'm thankful for, that are making me smile right now:
- soft, brown suede boots
- a multicolored tweed skirt, that incorporates several of my favorite colors including orange, brown, and turquoise
- my "bohemian" purse from the Tibetan shop
- a note from a dear friend last night, reminding me that she loves me
- the rosary I brought home from Rome
- that there are just under two hours left in this workday
- that tomorrow is casual Friday and I can wear jeans to the office
- Karla Adolphe's song "Hold Me Near"
- The Garden State movie soundtrack
- being back in the habit of writing in my paper journal daily
- plans for a quiet morning mostly alone in the house on Sunday
- five reminder stones sitting on my desk
- taco wraps with my roommates and a houseguest for dinner tonight
- plans for a quiet evening, holed up in my bedroom with lit candles, reading, writing, making a couple phone calls, and hopefully getting to bed early
- a truly tasteless (but quite funny) joke that a friend told me this morning
- remembering the great evening one of my roommates and I spent on my birthday about a month ago, watching the movie "Mamma Mia"
- 2 dozen red roses in a vase on my dressing table at home
- lovely smells emanating from an oil burner in my bedroom
- mango exfoliant scrub from The Body Shop
- roiibos tea
- sheepskin lined slippers with a kiwi fruit print (a gift from my roommate - sort of a joke since both of my roommates are from New Zealand)
More on choosing life...
Another thought on choosing life from Henri Nouwen
Waiting with Our Response
Choosing life instead of death demands an act of will that often contradicts our impulses. Our impulses want to take revenge, while our wills want to offer forgiveness. Our impulses push us to an immediate response: When someone hits us in the face, we impulsively want to hit back.
How then can we let our wills dominate our impulses? The key word is wait. Whatever happens, we must put some space between the hostile act directed toward us and our response. We must distance ourselves, take time to think, talk it over with friends, and wait until we are ready to respond in a life-giving way. Impulsive responses allow evil to master us, something we always will regret. But a well thought-through response will help us to "master evil with good" (Romans 12.21).
Waiting with Our Response
Choosing life instead of death demands an act of will that often contradicts our impulses. Our impulses want to take revenge, while our wills want to offer forgiveness. Our impulses push us to an immediate response: When someone hits us in the face, we impulsively want to hit back.
How then can we let our wills dominate our impulses? The key word is wait. Whatever happens, we must put some space between the hostile act directed toward us and our response. We must distance ourselves, take time to think, talk it over with friends, and wait until we are ready to respond in a life-giving way. Impulsive responses allow evil to master us, something we always will regret. But a well thought-through response will help us to "master evil with good" (Romans 12.21).
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Praying for M.
My best friend leaves for Pakistan tonight. She'll spend a few days in England with her fiancee (who's currently visiting friends and travelling in Europe on a bit of a pilgrimage of sorts), and then head on alone to Pakistan for the next eight months.
I'm praying hard for her today.
We said goodbye on Monday, since I'm unable to be at the airport when she flies out tonight. But today it's hitting me. The friend I laugh with, talk about boys with, harass mercilessly (and get harassed by), watch movies with, eat freezer cake with, talk about God and life and fear and joy with, and pray with is gone for the next eight months.
And she's going to a less than stable part of the world, because she visited there at 16, and it stole her heart. She's going to spend the next eight months doing some language learning, and putting her nursing training to use in a small mission hospital, delivering babies and doing pre-natal and post-partum care.
I read this article in the news this morning. Missile Attack Kills 2 Canadians in Pakistan. While I don't think the part of the country where she'll be is particularly unstable, the reality remains that she is traveling to a place where it is less than safe to be white, female, and north-american.
And so, today, my heart is praying for this friend that I love, and for her family as they also say goodbye to her. For her parents, who worry about this daughter of theirs that has fallen in love with a country that is far away, and hard to comprehend. For her brothers and sisters and their spouses. For her friends. But mostly for her. That she would know the deep peace of Jesus - the peace that comes from knowing that she is living out what He has called her heart to. And that all those of us who love her, and are left here to wait and pray, would also be able to rest in that peace.
I'm praying hard for her today.
We said goodbye on Monday, since I'm unable to be at the airport when she flies out tonight. But today it's hitting me. The friend I laugh with, talk about boys with, harass mercilessly (and get harassed by), watch movies with, eat freezer cake with, talk about God and life and fear and joy with, and pray with is gone for the next eight months.
And she's going to a less than stable part of the world, because she visited there at 16, and it stole her heart. She's going to spend the next eight months doing some language learning, and putting her nursing training to use in a small mission hospital, delivering babies and doing pre-natal and post-partum care.
I read this article in the news this morning. Missile Attack Kills 2 Canadians in Pakistan. While I don't think the part of the country where she'll be is particularly unstable, the reality remains that she is traveling to a place where it is less than safe to be white, female, and north-american.
And so, today, my heart is praying for this friend that I love, and for her family as they also say goodbye to her. For her parents, who worry about this daughter of theirs that has fallen in love with a country that is far away, and hard to comprehend. For her brothers and sisters and their spouses. For her friends. But mostly for her. That she would know the deep peace of Jesus - the peace that comes from knowing that she is living out what He has called her heart to. And that all those of us who love her, and are left here to wait and pray, would also be able to rest in that peace.
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
Non-Avoidance
I've been re-realizing these last few days, just how skilled at avoidance I really am.
Thankfully, in the midst of some of the worst avoidance I've entertained in a long while, a dear friend was with me, and pushing gently, and sometimes a bit less so for me to begin to face and deal with some stuff, and begin to heal again. I'm incredibly thankful for the several late nights she spent talking with me, in the midst of a weekend that I know wasn't easy for her either.
The truth is, I made a series of less than healthy decisions, and, over the weekend, hit a low point that was quite stunning. I haven't been that close to walking away from God, life and relationships since the last few months before my depression was healed, nearly 3 years ago now. And because of the bad choices, I began again to entertain lies in my life, and they grew until they overwhelmed and became my "truth".
It's likely going to take a while to pull out of that and be healthy again.
I've committed to non-avoidance, and am taking a number of steps to ensure that my usual avoidance techniques are not options.
And yet, I realized again tonight, while grocery shopping with my roommates, how easy it is to attempt to satisfy the hungry and aching places in my soul. Things that I would never normally buy - candy, comfort foods and so forth - were stunningly appealing, and I had to conciously remind myself of some of the decisions I've made and guidelines I've put in place for this next while.
I'm good at avoiding, but I'm hoping for better things. I'm longing for healing. Even though I know it means non-avoidance, and even though I know that for a while at least, non-avoidance is likely to be messy, hurtful, and somewhat miserable.
Two phrases stand out from the weekend. One a question posed by Jesus, another a reminder from a scripture my friend sent me. The first "Do you want to be well?" and the second "Today I have given you the choice between life and death..."
I want to be well.
I choose life.
(I think I'm going to have to repeat those things ad infinitum in a quest to begin to live them, but oh, does my heart long for them to be realized within me.)
Thankfully, in the midst of some of the worst avoidance I've entertained in a long while, a dear friend was with me, and pushing gently, and sometimes a bit less so for me to begin to face and deal with some stuff, and begin to heal again. I'm incredibly thankful for the several late nights she spent talking with me, in the midst of a weekend that I know wasn't easy for her either.
The truth is, I made a series of less than healthy decisions, and, over the weekend, hit a low point that was quite stunning. I haven't been that close to walking away from God, life and relationships since the last few months before my depression was healed, nearly 3 years ago now. And because of the bad choices, I began again to entertain lies in my life, and they grew until they overwhelmed and became my "truth".
It's likely going to take a while to pull out of that and be healthy again.
I've committed to non-avoidance, and am taking a number of steps to ensure that my usual avoidance techniques are not options.
And yet, I realized again tonight, while grocery shopping with my roommates, how easy it is to attempt to satisfy the hungry and aching places in my soul. Things that I would never normally buy - candy, comfort foods and so forth - were stunningly appealing, and I had to conciously remind myself of some of the decisions I've made and guidelines I've put in place for this next while.
I'm good at avoiding, but I'm hoping for better things. I'm longing for healing. Even though I know it means non-avoidance, and even though I know that for a while at least, non-avoidance is likely to be messy, hurtful, and somewhat miserable.
Two phrases stand out from the weekend. One a question posed by Jesus, another a reminder from a scripture my friend sent me. The first "Do you want to be well?" and the second "Today I have given you the choice between life and death..."
I want to be well.
I choose life.
(I think I'm going to have to repeat those things ad infinitum in a quest to begin to live them, but oh, does my heart long for them to be realized within me.)
Choosing Life (thoughts from Henri Nouwen)
If you had any idea what some of the conversations I've been having with friends and with God lately sounded like, you'd know that I when I arrived at work this morning to find these emails from the Henri Nouwen society waiting for me, I simultaneously laughed and cringed. God does indeed, have a sense of humor it would seem...
Choosing Life
God says, "I am offering you life or death, blessing or curse. Choose life, then, so that you and your descendants may live" (Deuteronomy 30:19).
"Choose life." That's God's call for us, and there is not a moment in which we do not have to make that choice. Life and death are always before us. In our imaginations, our thoughts, our words, our gestures, our actions ... even in our nonactions. This choice for life starts in a deep interior place. Underneath very life-affirming behaviour I can still harbour death-thoughts and death-feelings. The most important question is not "Do I kill?" but "Do I carry a blessing in my heart or a curse?" The bullet that kills is only the final instrument of the hatred that began being nurtured in the heart long before the gun was picked up.
A Choice Calling for Discipline
When we look critically at the many thoughts and feelings that fill our minds and hearts, we may come to the horrifying discovery that we often choose death instead of life, curse instead of blessing. Jealousy, envy, anger, resentment, greed, lust, vindictiveness, revenge, hatred ... they all float in that large reservoir of our inner life. Often we take them for granted and allow them to be there and do their destructive work.
But God asks us to choose life and to choose blessing. This choice requires an immense inner discipline. It requires a great attentiveness to the death-forces within us and a great commitment to let the forces of life come to dominate our thoughts and feelings. We cannot always do this alone; often we need a caring guide or a loving community to support us. But it is important that we both make the inner effort and seek the support we need from others to help us choose life.
Claiming Our God Given Selves
When we have been deeply hurt by another person, it is nearly impossible not to have hostile thoughts, feelings of anger or hatred, and even a desire to take revenge. All of this often happens spontaneously, without much inner control. We simply find ourselves brooding about what we are going to say or do to pay back the person who has hurt us. To choose blessings instead of curses in such a situation asks for an enormous leap of faith. It calls for a willingness to go beyond all our urges to get even and to choose a life-giving response.
Sometimes this seems impossible. Still, whenever we move beyond our wounded selves and claim our God-given selves, we give life not just to ourselves but also to the ones who have offended us.
Mastering Evil with Good
The apostle Paul writes to the Romans: "Bless your persecutors; never curse them, bless them. ... Never pay back evil with evil. ... Never try to get revenge. ... If your enemy is hungry, give him something to eat; if thirsty, something to drink. ... Do not be mastered by evil, but master evil with good" (Romans 12:14-21). These words cut to the heart of the spiritual life. They make it clear what it means to choose life, not death, to choose blessings not curses. But what is asked of us here goes against the grain of our human nature. We will only be able to act according to Paul's words by knowing with our whole beings that what we are asked to do for others is what God has done for us.
Choosing Life
God says, "I am offering you life or death, blessing or curse. Choose life, then, so that you and your descendants may live" (Deuteronomy 30:19).
"Choose life." That's God's call for us, and there is not a moment in which we do not have to make that choice. Life and death are always before us. In our imaginations, our thoughts, our words, our gestures, our actions ... even in our nonactions. This choice for life starts in a deep interior place. Underneath very life-affirming behaviour I can still harbour death-thoughts and death-feelings. The most important question is not "Do I kill?" but "Do I carry a blessing in my heart or a curse?" The bullet that kills is only the final instrument of the hatred that began being nurtured in the heart long before the gun was picked up.
A Choice Calling for Discipline
When we look critically at the many thoughts and feelings that fill our minds and hearts, we may come to the horrifying discovery that we often choose death instead of life, curse instead of blessing. Jealousy, envy, anger, resentment, greed, lust, vindictiveness, revenge, hatred ... they all float in that large reservoir of our inner life. Often we take them for granted and allow them to be there and do their destructive work.
But God asks us to choose life and to choose blessing. This choice requires an immense inner discipline. It requires a great attentiveness to the death-forces within us and a great commitment to let the forces of life come to dominate our thoughts and feelings. We cannot always do this alone; often we need a caring guide or a loving community to support us. But it is important that we both make the inner effort and seek the support we need from others to help us choose life.
Claiming Our God Given Selves
When we have been deeply hurt by another person, it is nearly impossible not to have hostile thoughts, feelings of anger or hatred, and even a desire to take revenge. All of this often happens spontaneously, without much inner control. We simply find ourselves brooding about what we are going to say or do to pay back the person who has hurt us. To choose blessings instead of curses in such a situation asks for an enormous leap of faith. It calls for a willingness to go beyond all our urges to get even and to choose a life-giving response.
Sometimes this seems impossible. Still, whenever we move beyond our wounded selves and claim our God-given selves, we give life not just to ourselves but also to the ones who have offended us.
Mastering Evil with Good
The apostle Paul writes to the Romans: "Bless your persecutors; never curse them, bless them. ... Never pay back evil with evil. ... Never try to get revenge. ... If your enemy is hungry, give him something to eat; if thirsty, something to drink. ... Do not be mastered by evil, but master evil with good" (Romans 12:14-21). These words cut to the heart of the spiritual life. They make it clear what it means to choose life, not death, to choose blessings not curses. But what is asked of us here goes against the grain of our human nature. We will only be able to act according to Paul's words by knowing with our whole beings that what we are asked to do for others is what God has done for us.
Monday, September 01, 2008
Fresh Start
It's a new month. Seems the weather changed instantaneously from summer to autumn over the weekend - they had 5 cm of snow in the mountains only an hour from here. A new season.
I need a fresh start. A do over if you will. A chance to choose life again. A shifting of season once again.
So I'm glad for a new month. A fresh start.
And I'm starting here:
"And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise." (Philippians 4:8)
I need a fresh start. A do over if you will. A chance to choose life again. A shifting of season once again.
So I'm glad for a new month. A fresh start.
And I'm starting here:
"And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise." (Philippians 4:8)
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